New Life With His Affair Partner Isn’t Enviable
In the years since her divorce, her ex’s new life with his affair partner has been an ongoing dumpster fire. Nothing to envy. Meanwhile, she’s thriving.
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Dear Chump Lady,
Finding your blog was one of the greatest accidents of my life. One of my experiences is featured on the podcast – Did anyone get pregnant during the affair? My ex FW impregnated his affair partner after I had experienced 5 miscarriages and I was 6 month postpartum myself with a rainbow baby. Well, it’s been hell grappling with this FW who has done everything humanly possible to demean me and my children.
Short recap:
He impregnated the affair partner.
Refused to take a paternity test, the boy is now 4 years old, my own kids are 5 and 3.
He withdrew a $6000 education policy for my daughter.
Then he used $3000 to hold a birthday for his son with his affair partner. Mind you the last time he did one for our kids my daughter she was 2 and my son 1. My son’s birthday is in September, AP’s son is in August. Yup, he ignored my son’s birthday as always. Spent the difference on alcohol and buying AP expensive things. For context, $6000 is a yearly salary for 90% of the population in my country if you are lucky. Blew it on one weekend.
Did a whole lot of shitty things I cannot even write about at the moment, but here is where things get juicy.
In the 5 years since he has:
a) Become an alcoholic.
He never took a sip of alcohol all the years we were together, got with AP and turned into an alcoholic, goes on 3-4 day drinking binges.
b) Is still selling marijuana as his primary source of income.
(It is illegal here) and he has had problems with the law, but the law here is corrupt so he always bribes his way out.
c) His affair partner has caught him cheating several times.
I know because she has the gall to let me know about it, with bartenders, random women, prostitutes you name it.
d) She caught an STI.
e) He’s been dropped at my door several times by an Uber driver, dead drunk.
And I have seen several of their texts — he is ghosting AP randomly, sometimes claiming he was visiting with my kids and that I had refused to allow him alone time. (Eye roll. How original.) She’s pick me dancing with shadows and women she knows nothing of. As the main chick now, she never figured that her being special would lead to a side chick vacancy, hey.
So, for anyone who envies the affair partner, pictures don’t tell a full story.
They have wonderful vacation pictures, family pictures, birthday pictures, kissing and sunset photos. From the outside, I was dying two years back when I saw this. She was getting everything I had been asking for.
What I didn’t see was the drinking. Now he smokes 4 to 5 packages of cigarettes a day (he never smoked). At times, he is on the run from the police, who are constantly looking for him. He spends days in custody, sees prostitutes, has cheated on her with her close neighbors.
Back in the day, she wrote me a scathing text about how I should mind my business and not look through his phone as I’d get hurt, that I’m a narcissist, that I’m a crazy ex.
Karma came for her too. She lost her job and is still living in her mother’s house. She had mocked me for being 30 and old when she was pregnant — she was 25. Surprise! Who’s 30 now, still living at home, no commitment, no job?
Anyway, in the meantime I have been slowly but surely fixing my picker.
It has not been easy, but great things are happening for me:
In December, I got a new job offer paying almost double my salary. And in March there’s a salary review so it’s bound to go higher. I do not have to worry about rent, expenses anytime soon. Also:
- I joined a run club.
- I was able to give my children a wonderful Christmas and we decorated our tree.
- I am happier and healthier now. I was perpetually stuck at 50 kgs, chronically fatigued and I have now gained 6 kgs, yaaay!
- I have cut off toxic members of his family, I am now working on myself.
- I have a European trip planned with my children for the Easter holidays 2026 that I am saving up for!!! My daughter has always wanted to see the Eiffel tower.
He came to my house one week before Christmas asking me to pray for him.
And could I help him recover from being an alcoholic?
Err… I guess that is a role l vacated and reserved for AP. She once snuck into the hospital to see him and was seething that I was still listed as spouse on his admission forms for insurance and out of pocket bills that I was paying for after she left him nearly for dead in his house.
I won’t be tracking their progress or lack of this coming year.
They can live wonderfully or miserably and I wouldn’t want to know going forward. He is adamant about taking my kids out of private schools and into the public education system. It’s extremely pathetic as he’s already paid for private education for AP’s son in November. But that is the way with these FWs.
He doesn’t know I have a new job and I am not planning on telling. I will just pay for my kids education and go no contact for good. He did refuse to show up for a child maintenance summons. So there is no custody or child support plan in place. I’m fine with that as long as he disappears from our lives.
For any chumps in the gutter of grief and despondency, it gets better.
It took me 5 years but years do roll around rather quickly. Soon you will emerge onto that light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You will have the last laugh. I might not have his millions but I have my peace, healthy kids, and a much happier regulated home.
Keep up with the good work, I’ll still be around to remind myself of everything I have learned and to encourage any newbies.
Happy New Year
Slow But Sure
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Dear Slow But Sure,
Congrats on building an amazing new life for you and your kids. And thanks for reminding CN what winning the turd looks like. The sparkles usually fall off pretty quickly. They don’t get character transplants. Be grateful for every day you’re not living a lie with a FW.
Let her live the lie.
It’s pretty sad that the woman who once mocked you is now calling you to complain that her boyfriend cheats with prostitutes.
Hey Schmoopie, you won this dreamboat. No tag backs.
Redirect that Uber driver to her door and dump his drunk ass there.
Do document all of this, should you wind up in court with Mr. Non-Support. I hope he leaves you and your kids alone for the low, low price of failure to adult. (But you never know. I’ve been sued for custody by a guy who owed me support. FWs gotta FW.)
Keep rocking your new life. And thanks for giving encouragement to the newbies still in the trenches. Everyone loves a comeuppance tale. Which is really just the law of natural consequences.
Happy Tuesday!
Yes, LET HER LIVE THE LIE. You can do this by forging ahead with a rational, reasonable life!
When my ex left after several decades together, he went to the area of the country where an old girlfriend lived. She had been “keeping in touch” at times throughout our entire marriage, saying that he was “the best man I’ve ever known.” He idolized her, especially as our marriage began to crack near the end. He’d tell me he wished I were like her, even though he supposedly hadn’t seen her in years and years; she moved and talked the way he liked. When she’d call the house, I’d actually talk to her. She had been married multiple times and had kids. She missed him. Well, don’t call again. Of course, she did.
His attorney was a blabbermouth, and she wasn’t the only one. He didn’t end up with her, but finally settled on a woman post-divorce, very much like her, but bleached blond. He always had a thing for blonds, which I am not. They went to a family wedding, and his very religious family was horrified. One of them called me. Well, I’m not surprised. They think she’s taking advantage of him financially. That’s his business. Just wanted you to know. OK, but not my committee. How are you doing these days? That was it.
I had an older attorney who became like a brother to me. He gave me so much more than the law and assured me that they trade down, not up, seeking someone they can control the narrative with. And no, they won’t tell them the truth. Let her live the lie!
I enjoyed reading this. I am 5 years out. This was the 6th Christmas without the FW. In the early days (while painshopping – yeah don’t do that anymore) I too would look at their life together and feel so sad. Many photos on social media of luxurious holidays, days out blah blah blah. It hurt, until the day it stopped. Those specs fell off. I truly saw them for what they are – shallow AF. I realised that my life with my children, grandchildren, extended family. true friends and some awesome work colleagues was very very rich. There is no more orchestrated drama in my life. I am me and I love it. Life on the other side is bloody fantastic. Yeah there’s still shadows occasionally and FW plays his silly little games with the adult children but FWs gotta FW cos that’s what they do.
To any newbie reading this, believe me, well all of us here when we say it gets sooooo much better. You will rise and shine like the light you are. You are mighty even if you don’t feel it,
Slow but Sure,
Reading your story I am struck by the extent that your Ex was a car crash waiting to happen and, once he no longer had you to keep him on the straight and narrow, the inevitable happened.
He traded down and his AP deserves every last thing that he puts her through.
LFTT
Congrats, Slow But Sure! You’ve made amazing gains in your five years without him. I hope you stopped paying his insurance and other bills long ago. Is there any way you or your daughter could pursue the $6000 education policy he stole from her? I don’t know how that works in your country.
What is with the fabulous vacations with Schmoopies? While we were married, ex refused to take any with me or child, claiming he had too much business travel, although he extended some business tips as sole vacations, and I think some of his business trips were covers for more sole vacations.
As soon as we separated, he started taking dates on fabulous vacations at five star resorts, including during the holidays at peak rates. He posted all his dates and vacations in our shared calendar, even though I had blocked him from seeing our entries.
We separated in November, and that December, for probably the first time ever, he bought tween Christmas presents himself–ornaments with the names of the resorts, a weapon clearly marked “not safe for children under 18,” and a Go-Pro camera. Tween thought the weapon was a threat or an attempt to have tween harm himself, and insisted we exchange it at a store. He smashed the ornaments on purpose—he didn’t want reminders of the places ex refused to take us.
Much later, when I asked about the go-pro camera, I learned that tween had noticed the box was already opened, so he looked at it in private and discovered ex had taken vacation pictures. He didn’t want to talk about it, just told me he got rid of it, so I don’t know if Schmoopie was in them too.
I suspect that FW wanted to flaunt his wonderful lifestyle without us. He weaponized those Christmas presents. Many months later, he “gave” tween a gift card, which he mailed. Oddly enough, the sleeve and card were Christmas themed, and when tween took out the gift card, on the back was “To tween from Aunt X.” FW withheld his family’s gift to tween, then tried to pass it off as his own.
Looking back it was apparent that I provided the guard rails that kept Cheaty McLiarface in his social lane. He took his cues from me on how to appear like a devoted family man. Obviously it didn’t stop him from developing his double life in which excessive drinking became a part of. I wonder if he ever figured out that you can’t escape from yourself?
S.B.S. Thank you for reminding us that no matter where we are in the process
“but years do roll around rather quickly.” We chumps need to make them count for our benefit and the benefit of those we love.
My attorney said the same about our family keeping my STBX within certain bounds. He had seen it countless times in over four decades of family law. They start mishaving, hiding their tracks, and then take off to “freedom.” But they’re just going down an ugly hole of no return. Best to cut them loose and not follow.
Yes, celebrating my true freedom and living an own-up-show-up life.
It’s good to hear from chumps farther down the road to meh.
That’s interesting about the drugs and alcohol. FW almost never drank while married to me even though I was not preventing him in any way.
Based on what he took from the house (no kids photos or his family mementos but took the alcohol) and his spreading nose plus DD observations about his house, I gather FW’s much more of a drinker now. Hope he gets liver cirrhosis
And as you probably know, it can have subtle effects even before it gets to your liver. Always an individual choice, of course.
I went 100% sober this year because of my age and concerns in that way. I haven’t missed it.