New Life With His Affair Partner Isn’t Enviable
In the years since her divorce, her ex’s new life with his affair partner has been an ongoing dumpster fire. Nothing to envy. Meanwhile, she’s thriving.
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Dear Chump Lady,
Finding your blog was one of the greatest accidents of my life. One of my experiences is featured on the podcast – Did anyone get pregnant during the affair? My ex FW impregnated his affair partner after I had experienced 5 miscarriages and I was 6 month postpartum myself with a rainbow baby. Well, it’s been hell grappling with this FW who has done everything humanly possible to demean me and my children.
Short recap:
He impregnated the affair partner.
Refused to take a paternity test, the boy is now 4 years old, my own kids are 5 and 3.
He withdrew a $6000 education policy for my daughter.
Then he used $3000 to hold a birthday for his son with his affair partner. Mind you the last time he did one for our kids my daughter she was 2 and my son 1. My son’s birthday is in September, AP’s son is in August. Yup, he ignored my son’s birthday as always. Spent the difference on alcohol and buying AP expensive things. For context, $6000 is a yearly salary for 90% of the population in my country if you are lucky. Blew it on one weekend.
Did a whole lot of shitty things I cannot even write about at the moment, but here is where things get juicy.
In the 5 years since he has:
a) Become an alcoholic.
He never took a sip of alcohol all the years we were together, got with AP and turned into an alcoholic, goes on 3-4 day drinking binges.
b) Is still selling marijuana as his primary source of income.
(It is illegal here) and he has had problems with the law, but the law here is corrupt so he always bribes his way out.
c) His affair partner has caught him cheating several times.
I know because she has the gall to let me know about it, with bartenders, random women, prostitutes you name it.
d) She caught an STI.
e) He’s been dropped at my door several times by an Uber driver, dead drunk.
And I have seen several of their texts — he is ghosting AP randomly, sometimes claiming he was visiting with my kids and that I had refused to allow him alone time. (Eye roll. How original.) She’s pick me dancing with shadows and women she knows nothing of. As the main chick now, she never figured that her being special would lead to a side chick vacancy, hey.
So, for anyone who envies the affair partner, pictures don’t tell a full story.
They have wonderful vacation pictures, family pictures, birthday pictures, kissing and sunset photos. From the outside, I was dying two years back when I saw this. She was getting everything I had been asking for.
What I didn’t see was the drinking. Now he smokes 4 to 5 packages of cigarettes a day (he never smoked). At times, he is on the run from the police, who are constantly looking for him. He spends days in custody, sees prostitutes, has cheated on her with her close neighbors.
Back in the day, she wrote me a scathing text about how I should mind my business and not look through his phone as I’d get hurt, that I’m a narcissist, that I’m a crazy ex.
Karma came for her too. She lost her job and is still living in her mother’s house. She had mocked me for being 30 and old when she was pregnant — she was 25. Surprise! Who’s 30 now, still living at home, no commitment, no job?
Anyway, in the meantime I have been slowly but surely fixing my picker.
It has not been easy, but great things are happening for me:
In December, I got a new job offer paying almost double my salary. And in March there’s a salary review so it’s bound to go higher. I do not have to worry about rent, expenses anytime soon. Also:
- I joined a run club.
- I was able to give my children a wonderful Christmas and we decorated our tree.
- I am happier and healthier now. I was perpetually stuck at 50 kgs, chronically fatigued and I have now gained 6 kgs, yaaay!
- I have cut off toxic members of his family, I am now working on myself.
- I have a European trip planned with my children for the Easter holidays 2026 that I am saving up for!!! My daughter has always wanted to see the Eiffel tower.
He came to my house one week before Christmas asking me to pray for him.
And could I help him recover from being an alcoholic?
Err… I guess that is a role l vacated and reserved for AP. She once snuck into the hospital to see him and was seething that I was still listed as spouse on his admission forms for insurance and out of pocket bills that I was paying for after she left him nearly for dead in his house.
I won’t be tracking their progress or lack of this coming year.
They can live wonderfully or miserably and I wouldn’t want to know going forward. He is adamant about taking my kids out of private schools and into the public education system. It’s extremely pathetic as he’s already paid for private education for AP’s son in November. But that is the way with these FWs.
He doesn’t know I have a new job and I am not planning on telling. I will just pay for my kids education and go no contact for good. He did refuse to show up for a child maintenance summons. So there is no custody or child support plan in place. I’m fine with that as long as he disappears from our lives.
For any chumps in the gutter of grief and despondency, it gets better.
It took me 5 years but years do roll around rather quickly. Soon you will emerge onto that light at the end of the proverbial tunnel. You will have the last laugh. I might not have his millions but I have my peace, healthy kids, and a much happier regulated home.
Keep up with the good work, I’ll still be around to remind myself of everything I have learned and to encourage any newbies.
Happy New Year
Slow But Sure
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Dear Slow But Sure,
Congrats on building an amazing new life for you and your kids. And thanks for reminding CN what winning the turd looks like. The sparkles usually fall off pretty quickly. They don’t get character transplants. Be grateful for every day you’re not living a lie with a FW.
Let her live the lie.
It’s pretty sad that the woman who once mocked you is now calling you to complain that her boyfriend cheats with prostitutes.
Hey Schmoopie, you won this dreamboat. No tag backs.
Redirect that Uber driver to her door and dump his drunk ass there.
Do document all of this, should you wind up in court with Mr. Non-Support. I hope he leaves you and your kids alone for the low, low price of failure to adult. (But you never know. I’ve been sued for custody by a guy who owed me support. FWs gotta FW.)
Keep rocking your new life. And thanks for giving encouragement to the newbies still in the trenches. Everyone loves a comeuppance tale. Which is really just the law of natural consequences.
Happy Tuesday!
Yes, LET HER LIVE THE LIE. You can do this by forging ahead with a rational, reasonable life!
When my ex left after several decades together, he went to the area of the country where an old girlfriend lived. She had been “keeping in touch” at times throughout our entire marriage, saying that he was “the best man I’ve ever known.” He idolized her, especially as our marriage began to crack near the end. He’d tell me he wished I were like her, even though he supposedly hadn’t seen her in years and years; she moved and talked the way he liked. When she’d call the house, I’d actually talk to her. She had been married multiple times and had kids. She missed him. Well, don’t call again. Of course, she did.
His attorney was a blabbermouth, and she wasn’t the only one. He didn’t end up with her, but finally settled on a woman post-divorce, very much like her, but bleached blond. He always had a thing for blonds, which I am not. They went to a family wedding, and his very religious family was horrified. One of them called me. Well, I’m not surprised. They think she’s taking advantage of him financially. That’s his business. Just wanted you to know. OK, but not my committee. How are you doing these days? That was it.
I had an older attorney who became like a brother to me. He gave me so much more than the law and assured me that they trade down, not up, seeking someone they can control the narrative with. And no, they won’t tell them the truth. Let her live the lie!
Yes, further down the road they will realize that the FW is a turd and that they did you a favour by making exit faster albeit painful at the start
Elsie:
“He’d tell me he wished I were like her”.
My ex-FW said something similar to me as he was walking his ass out the door; “I need to be with someone who’s more like me“. It took you 40 YEARS to figure that out? You knew exactly who I was when you met me! But I suppose the Married Howorker from the office next-door qualifies as “someone like you”… she’s also a lying, cheating, attention-seeking clown. You’re right, FW, you two are well-suited for one another.
The first year after he left, admittedly, was hell. But then I remembered that before he homogenized me and gaslit me to within an inch of my life, I used to be a confident, purpose-driven woman with agency. I decided to go back to that “me” and since then, the trajectory has been straight up.
‘But then I remembered that before he homogenized me and gaslit me to within an inch of my life, I used to be a confident, purpose-driven woman with agency. I decided to go back to that “me”’
This has resonated with me so much. I had let his treatment of me my spark, esteem, confidence, oration skills and his new name for me was a whiner, or mummy and he’d laugh so much about it. I am reclaiming myself day by day
“Mummy”? Hey, when that memory comes to you, and you’re questioning yourself because of it, just remember Imhotep, the Egyptian high priest in the movie, “The Mummy”. He had extraordinary powers, including unleashing the biblical plagues of Egypt and conjuring up a magical sandstorm. He was no snowflake and neither are you!
VERY good point. No way would I want to be a woman with a lot of “mileage” who is high maintenance when it comes to her looks and the attention she demands. But that’s what my ex wanted. Well, there you go.
And the ordinary, hard-working ex-wife and mother moved on just fine.
The same thing happened to me. FW said “I need to be with someone bubbly! Like OW.” Bubbly? What EVER possessed you to marry me then? I am not and have never been “bubbly” (eew). He also had an affair with a married howorker, who was, like him, an immature, selfish, lying, alcoholic with anger issues (and deep seated insecurity).
I realized that the life we had was my doing (FW wasn’t the most responsible person, especially with money) and if I built it once I could build it again. This time for myself. And I have. My life is now better than before, in far more ways than being FW free.
ISawTheLight:
Exactly! They knew who we were when they married us, and then after a year or two (or 40), they decide what they really wanted was “bubbly”.
Or in my case, FW wanted bright, shiny and RICH! The Married Howorker was married to an uber successful attorney and they lived a 1% lifestyle, while FW and I lived a pretty normal middle-class life… 2 working parents, a mortgage, 3 kids, a dog, and a budget. I guess driving his reliable Honda Civic (bought used in mint condition for $11,000) was just a bit too beggarly for him, and as soon as he and MH got married, her money enabled him to trade it in for a $100,000+ luxury SUV (and that was just the beginning of his journey into the high life with its puff-puff extravagance). OK, whatever… all those fancy accoutrements flaunted for image purposes don’t change the fact that you’re still a FW! Authenticity, not fakery, is so much more attractive.
Yes, my oldest (late twenties) and I have talked about that. I was just so determined to find a way after my ex left. I rallied everything I had and got to the other side. I had been holding everything together for years and let him go.
Then my ex seriously underestimated me, as his attorney told mine several times during the negotiations. I wasn’t the pushover that my husband said I would be in the divorce process. And I picked a powerhouse attorney because I knew I needed that.
In the end, I became what my closeout attorney called a “hard target.” Yea, don’t mess with me, dude.
I enjoyed reading this. I am 5 years out. This was the 6th Christmas without the FW. In the early days (while painshopping – yeah don’t do that anymore) I too would look at their life together and feel so sad. Many photos on social media of luxurious holidays, days out blah blah blah. It hurt, until the day it stopped. Those specs fell off. I truly saw them for what they are – shallow AF. I realised that my life with my children, grandchildren, extended family. true friends and some awesome work colleagues was very very rich. There is no more orchestrated drama in my life. I am me and I love it. Life on the other side is bloody fantastic. Yeah there’s still shadows occasionally and FW plays his silly little games with the adult children but FWs gotta FW cos that’s what they do.
To any newbie reading this, believe me, well all of us here when we say it gets sooooo much better. You will rise and shine like the light you are. You are mighty even if you don’t feel it,
” no more orchestrated drama in my life.” This! The peace and calm nervous system does something wonderful to the soul.
Thank you Claire. I’m 9 months post D-Day… seems like a lifetime ago I heard the devastating words “I have feelings for someone else”, but sometimes also seems not that long ago. I’ve a screenshot of your last paragraph to remind me, on days like today, that I will rise and shine again. X
Slow but Sure,
Reading your story I am struck by the extent that your Ex was a car crash waiting to happen and, once he no longer had you to keep him on the straight and narrow, the inevitable happened.
He traded down and his AP deserves every last thing that he puts her through.
LFTT
@LookingForwardsToTuesday
In hindsight, It was probably my naivete having known FW since I was 13 years old, I have never dated anyone else. It probably made me miss all the signs that he was headed in this direction. I used to mourn the years I had lost but when I found chump nation I realized I still have time, time to live a wonderful life without the chaos, time to model good behavior and healthy relationships for my children. You are right, every tactic he used to woo AP, the knowledge, places he took her, down to the music he’d sent her were things I would do with him, so this shell that remains, this is who he really is/was all along.
Congrats, Slow But Sure! You’ve made amazing gains in your five years without him. I hope you stopped paying his insurance and other bills long ago. Is there any way you or your daughter could pursue the $6000 education policy he stole from her? I don’t know how that works in your country.
What is with the fabulous vacations with Schmoopies? While we were married, ex refused to take any with me or child, claiming he had too much business travel, although he extended some business tips as sole vacations, and I think some of his business trips were covers for more sole vacations.
As soon as we separated, he started taking dates on fabulous vacations at five star resorts, including during the holidays at peak rates. He posted all his dates and vacations in our shared calendar, even though I had blocked him from seeing our entries.
We separated in November, and that December, for probably the first time ever, he bought tween Christmas presents himself–ornaments with the names of the resorts, a weapon clearly marked “not safe for children under 18,” and a Go-Pro camera. Tween thought the weapon was a threat or an attempt to have tween harm himself, and insisted we exchange it at a store. He smashed the ornaments on purpose—he didn’t want reminders of the places ex refused to take us.
Much later, when I asked about the go-pro camera, I learned that tween had noticed the box was already opened, so he looked at it in private and discovered ex had taken vacation pictures. He didn’t want to talk about it, just told me he got rid of it, so I don’t know if Schmoopie was in them too.
I suspect that FW wanted to flaunt his wonderful lifestyle without us. He weaponized those Christmas presents. Many months later, he “gave” tween a gift card, which he mailed. Oddly enough, the sleeve and card were Christmas themed, and when tween took out the gift card, on the back was “To tween from Aunt X.” FW withheld his family’s gift to tween, then tried to pass it off as his own.
@GoodFriend, Thank you and Yes I kicked him off my insurance after that visit from schmoopie. As for the $6000 I have yet to consult on whether there can be any remedies.
FW justified the holidays by saying that I did not give him peace or room to let the affair die naturally and that the AP was patient, loving despite ‘everything he had put her through’. A typical FW , gaslighting response.
The vacations are about keeping the high going. It’s inevitable that the grind of everyday life ruins the pleasure FWs get out of their replacement appliances. The shine dulls. So they perk it up temporarily with new surroundings.
My FW, pathetic as always, used to be envious of people in his social circle who were going on a lot of vacations to prop up their unhappy marriages. The worst example was his serial cheater brother, who would haul his wife off to “romantic” new destinations to get her to ease off holding him accountable. My own parents did this sort of dance for decades. They did not get along, but they enjoyed travelling together. It took them away from their daily frustrations with each other by introducing a novel experience. It’s a distraction. It’s an adventure together that makes you feel bonded by a shared experience, but the bond is illusory because it has no depth.
I’ve seen research that showed that if you bring two strangers together into a novel, shared experience for as little as a few days, they often believe they have fallen in love. This pattern held whether the experience was positive or negative. Whether the two people have known each other for days or have been partners for years, the bond from that experience starts to fall apart when the experience ends, eventually requiring other experiences to keep the feeling alive.
So to sum up, it’s really just a way of keeping the twu wuv lie alive for FWs and their enablers.
Very insightful, although FW seemed to use vacations to wine and dine brand new schmoopies. He had fallen for a catfish scammer, proposing after about two months of emails and texts (no in-person) and seemed desperate to find a new “life partner,” as he introduced one after a few weeks of meeting her. He later proposed to a woman he’d known for a week.
GoodFriend – it’s stories like yours that really make me think “OMG – run. Everybody run and take cover.” To mess with a kid like that is unconscionable. Your FW is over the moon disordered. Congrats on getting away – and good on your kid for having the sense at such a young age to nope out.
IKR. What an amazing kid!
He IS an amazing kid. Very insightful and perceptive. Thanks, @Best Thing @Slowbutsure @OHFFS
It’s belatedly occurred to me that FW may have used the camera to take pictures of the Schmoopie, expecting them to get back to tween and me, and that’s why tween was so quick to discard the camera. It wouldn’t surprise me if FW did that. After FW left, I found his emails from his online catfisher, some with full page, full color pornographic photos. He deliberately put these where tween sat–tween’s bathroom next to the toilet and sink, where he did his homework, etc. He set up tween’s phone to get photos supposedly of the AP/scammer/catfisher, which were actually photos of a hooker for hire. Tween told me and we got someone to block them.
All of this was shared with the Parental Responsibility Evaluator. FW did far worse as well, so the court ordered no contact ever.
Looking back it was apparent that I provided the guard rails that kept Cheaty McLiarface in his social lane. He took his cues from me on how to appear like a devoted family man. Obviously it didn’t stop him from developing his double life in which excessive drinking became a part of. I wonder if he ever figured out that you can’t escape from yourself?
S.B.S. Thank you for reminding us that no matter where we are in the process
“but years do roll around rather quickly.” We chumps need to make them count for our benefit and the benefit of those we love.
And they use the very qualities you instill in them to woo and act like they an original thought or idea. They eventually can’t escape themselves, Like Tracy says, everywhere they go, there they are
My attorney said the same about our family keeping my STBX within certain bounds. He had seen it countless times in over four decades of family law. They start mishaving, hiding their tracks, and then take off to “freedom.” But they’re just going down an ugly hole of no return. Best to cut them loose and not follow.
Yes, celebrating my true freedom and living an own-up-show-up life.
Decades ago, I was frequently warned that my life would become a complete failure if I didn’t get married to a man while I was still young and looked sufficiently “hot”. As it turns out, it is often the guys who need a wife to keep them on track rather than the other way around.
It’s good to hear from chumps farther down the road to meh.
That’s interesting about the drugs and alcohol. FW almost never drank while married to me even though I was not preventing him in any way.
Based on what he took from the house (no kids photos or his family mementos but took the alcohol) and his spreading nose plus DD observations about his house, I gather FW’s much more of a drinker now. Hope he gets liver cirrhosis
The last hearing FW and I had was on Zoom. He looked awful, fat and old with a new Col Sanders beard. He was in his home office, surrounded by glamor shots of his side piece and their unfortunate infant – clearly an attempt to goad me (ha!). And behind him was a complete bar set-up with several bottles of liquor. I thought, who the heck thinks this is a good look for a court hearing?
Perhaps, they drink away to escape what they did to become this version of who they now are. They can’t face themselves.
Another strange FW go-to. Mine started drinking as well, at the age of 60. He would come home from a Schmoop-fest, get out of his car which he parked in the driveway next to the recycling bin, yet carry his empties into the house and line them up on the kitchen counter. Next to the recycling basket, not in the recycling basket. I believe he either was trying to brag about his new, fun life of booze and sex, or maybe it was a cry for help. Either way, not my problem.
Was his AP a big drinker? My FW became a drunk mostly because schmoopie was a drunk. His friends were also drunks, so that was a factor as well.
He was also proud of his drinking, thought it made him a cool guy, a rebel. After one particularly scary incident in which he crashed his bike and blacked out on the street, after which he could not remember the events that led up to the crash, my daughter and I finally convinced him he was an alcoholic and he stopped drinking, went to AA, got therapy, the whole nine yards, eventually insisting repeatedly that the one thing he was 100% sure of is that he would never, ever take a drink again. He actually kept sober for quite some time.
When I left I told him that without DD and me around to hold him accountable he had at most six months before he would start drinking again. He was outraged by this, naturally. How dare I! He was a changed man, destined for lifelong sobriety. 🙄
DD later caught him out and confirmed he had indeed started again. He tried to tell her it was only “a glass of wine a day at dinner” so it didn’t really count as drinking. Yeah, right.
I don’t know your FW, but I will say that his behavior with the bottles could be both a display of his lifestyle (a way to needle you about all the fun he was having) and an unconscious plea for help. I don’t think they’re mutually exclusive. At any rate, as you say, it’s not your circus and his problems are thankfully now irrelevant to your life.
Mrs. Bendover had no drinking problem that I know of, but FW did say she “really liked her beer on their dates”. Just the fact of being around her made him start drinking (and can you blame the poor bastard – wocka wocka and rim shot!). HIs normal for 37 years was 1 to maybe 3 drinks per month; from that he went to carrying what I called his “booze bag” in the car. It was one of those plastic coated reusable grocery bags filled with beer, wine, and hard liquor. He kept it in the garage on work nights when not seeing Mrs. B, and when I wondered if he would be coming home any certain night or weekend, I only had to look to see if the booze bag was missing. When the booze bag was gone on a Friday I could look forward to a peaceful weekend at home alone.
One mindfuck I experienced is that when I met my cheater she was a heavy drinker, but over the course of our relationship stopped. She also made huge diet and exercise lifestyle changes and was overall much mentally healthier.
So when she decided to cheat on me it wasn’t alcohol and it wasn’t mental illness – she made a sober, rational decision to do it. I guess it came from just pure bad character.
That really is a kick in the ass, knowing that she made all those positive changes, but her negative, disordered nature was set in stone. So while she stopped the self-destruction, she started being destructive to you instead. These people are chaos machines. If they start cheating while drunk as my FW did, they repeatedly make the decision to keep on doing it while sober. So in the final analysis it really has little to nothing to do with drinking.
For my FW at least, I think the drinking was a symptom, not the root cause. He just couldn’t live with who he was, and wouldn’t try to make real changes. So he drank.
Maybe you’re right. I sometimes go around and around with wondering if my father would have cheated on my mother and treated us both badly if he hadn’t been drinking heavily. But that’s untangling the skein. For all I knew, or my mom, he may have been cheating before he started drinking so much. He was running his own business as well as working his day job, and going to classes at night to get his master’s degree. Both excellent excuses not to be at home.
He often wasn’t around for the last couple of years I was in high school. So who knows Anyway, it’s ancient history, and I try not to obsess about it.
And as you probably know, it can have subtle effects even before it gets to your liver. Always an individual choice, of course.
I went 100% sober this year because of my age and concerns in that way. I haven’t missed it.
Thank you for the update! Standing ovation here! (Cue Rihanna Take a Bow….)
Traitor Ex is a liar, a cheater, a thief, and a criminal. So is the primary side piece. There is no loyalty, no integrity, no trust, no safety, no monogamy in their world. Disordered thinking, crap for character, and self-centered to the core behavior. The trash got taken out.
I advocate steering clear of cheaters and side pieces and leaving them to do what they do best…f**king over those they call their nearest and dearest….and limiting my associates to only actual safe and trustworthy people. My life has a sign on the door; No Jerks Allowed.
On my own is light years better than spending my precious non-refundable time with anybody who is cool with knifing me in the back.
I too keep coming here for reminders, to feel the extreme gratitude that I am divorced from him, and to help the newbies. And also to get that last and very loudest laugh.
♥️ XXOO
If I recall correctly, you were stuck sharing a business with your ex. If that was you, is that still the case? I marveled at how strong and how positive you could be in your situation.
Yes…and I am currently in the process of exiting. Unfortunately it’s like another divorce…not quick and easy but a complicated process.
Missed seeing you, (reading you?) Hope all is going well for you. Your name reminds me of someone who used to post on an WW site. She also was a very wise and kind person.
Hi there! I’ve never been on WW…not a fan….but very nice to hear my presence here has been noticed. ♥️
I just realized I should have wrote it out, by WW I meant Weight Watchers. Which by the way is a good learning program, but I am also not a fan anymore; way too expensive.
I have read so much of your posting, and just so much good advice and kindness.
It was weird, my ex prided him self in our 20 years together re not drinking. He drank in the first year, then stopped because he didn’t want to end up an alcoholic like his dad. Weirdly, he gambled and chased whores (unknown to me, and I assume many others).
It was like he thought the not drinking entitled him to the other stuff. At least it seems that way. As far as I know he never went back to drinking, but he did continue cheating and his gambling became public knowledge because he and whore had to file bankruptcy to get out of their gambling debts. Drinking may have been cheaper, I don’t know.
I need a shirt that says “I ❤️ natural consequences.”
Thank you for sharing your story, slow but sure! It couldn’t have come at a better time for me. Today is the 5th anniversary of my D-Day. The app I use to delete old photos from my phone helpfully reminded me of this by including the evidence in its “on this day” review, so I just re-read their messages and proof of the affair is fresh in my mind.
At the time, their messages were particularly hurtful because while some were sexual, the majority were romantic. Now that I have some distance from the situation, I was struck by how insanely corny they read.
Anyway, five years later these two have (1) moved to my hometown and bought a house, (2) tried and failed to sell the house at a loss, (3) gotten married, and (4) gotten divorced after less than a year married. Time not only heals wounds, but it also has a funny sense of humor.
Hugs. I had a huge folder of those, texts, photos, screenshots etc. that I had kept and would pain shop from time to time. You can look once to remind yourself that you lost a FW that is better gone, then forever delete. Rooting for you
I keep it as evidence because I know he’s smearing me and denying to his shitty relatives and my kids might need it someday
I better find a way to retrieve mine!
I’m in favor of keeping the evidence because it may become relevant again, particularly if children and assets are involved.
Oh yes, had not thought of this!
Always keep the dirt on file. It could come in handy in case of a future assault or stalking investigation. Better to have it and not need it than to need it and not have it.
I’ll take one of those shirts lol!
Some cheater couples do go on to more enviable lives. My matra is to mind my own business and look to my own recovery. It has taken me 2 years of therapy, good food, doctor visits, lawyer visits, exercise, mote therapy and prayer. Every time I hear about cheater couple good or bad, it sets Me back. Don’t look in the rear view mirror all the time or you’ll crash. Go move forward. Who cares how they are doing? I lost nothing— no love and no care and lots of underhanded abuse. I know it now. Eyes front
This is my mantra going forward to never be bothered by what they do, good, bad or downright ugly
Nah- it might look that way, but she can never trust him and probably vice versa.
it was built on lies and won’t improve, no matter how good it looks on the outside- there’s always a reckoning.
Too true, mine is wining and dining whomever he pleases after stealing a 7 figure sum from his family.
Even if the FW is living the seemingly good life, would anyone want to be the marriage policing partner? Cheaters gonna cheat, use and abuse!
In the case of my former FW FIL, after divorcing his affair partner, he then continued using women by marrying a much younger one dumb and arrogant enough to buy his BS. I don’t know if he cheats on wife #3 but he certainly uses her for income, health insurance, chauffeur and general wife appliance duties. Meanwhile she gets an aging narcissist husband.
Is it enviable to never be able to tell the truth to anyone close to you ever again? To me, this sounds like a maddening form of mental solitary confinement.
Being the marriage police is the worst! It the AP such a thrill when I would discover their text messages. She loved it! Stealing from the home is painful but with time you realize that you have all the tools within you to start making a better life for yourself. It might be modest, but it is lived on your terms
I’m glad you keep looking forward. I’m going to agree and disagree about “some go onto enviable lives”. Maybe on the surface. But I don’t think people that hurt their spouses and families are in any way good at their core type of people. Therefore, they’re incapable of being truly happy and satisfied, only materialistically and superficially. And we don’t want those types. I always go back to Jeff Bezos. With his first wife, he seemed normal, calm & peacefully happy with her & their kids. Contrast that with the pictures of his life now with the 2nd hootchy mama wife. It’s all ego & showboating. No love there except for money & power. They’re not an example of true love or deep happiness despite his billions or her millions. That’s just a house of cards.
I give that marriage 2 years, at most. Seems to be the case with so many of those high profile celebrity marriages with big, fancy weddings: they last 2 years, or less. Case in point: Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck.
I agree with your take on it.
This is so true..shallow attracts shallow and who is ever truly happy.? You need high points and when it gers boring..out you go. My Ex loved new things but within 2 years he was done…on to new. He needed oooooohhhhS and ahhhhhS..if none and no attention, then …NEXT…!!!!! That is why MEH is so powerful…they can FEEL you don’t care, even over the miles. It deflates their egos and they must move on! Tracy has that down
Exactly!
It’s a pile of shit, no matter how much gold leaf they try to cover it with.
It’ll still stink and rot over time.
Thank you Slow but Sure for sharing your story and reminding us that Fuckwits bring their game (and often a worse one) to the next team (OM/OW).
My friend sent me a picture Schmoopie recently & publicly posted of herself & FW photoshopped (obvious). We had a good laugh so it’s not pain shopping anymore. Schmoopie’s head is on a teensy mini show girl type costume -she’s 59- seemingly delusional that she still looks 25 and FW looks stupidly awkward with a blotchy red nose & skin. His mother is an alcoholic but like you and all of us chumps, my straight and narrow life kept him from going into the abyss. When he wanted me to have a beer or two with him when we got home everyday, I refused. I wasn’t a prude, a weekend drink or two was fine. Well, he wanted to be free from his first wife (me) so I hope his drinking is giving him all the comfort that he needs now after blowing up his close & loving family. 5 years on and only 1 out of 3 kids talk to him, and even that’s barely. I hope it was all worth it. And if it was, well that’s a Fuckwit for ya.
They all emanate from the same script. My children, like your children, though in years want hardly anything to do with him, they know that mum is the one who gets things done. Afterschool activities, homework, outings, clothes, fun days. Never dad. That also sends him on his binge drinking, when the kids tell him they don’t want to go to his house.. He is now free to love those he chose over us.
That guy is a complete dirtbag. Sounds like you’re still too involved. Paying his hospital bills? WTAF?!! Still married to him?? Communicating with the AP? Letting him see your kids?? Opening the door to him and the Uber driver???
Good job on making a lot of progress. Go No Contact with FW and AP.
And do not continue to be his nurse with a purse. Alcoholic and five packs a day…it’s only going to get much worse.
If he was delivered to my doorstep drunk, he could stay on the doorstep and sleep it off. I certainly wouldn’t let him in.
@ThreeTimesAChump
Just to clarify these are all a series of things that have happened in the 5 years since he impregnated the AP, not things that are currently happening. The hospital bill was when we were still together and I was on hopium trying to reconcile. The AP randomly sends messages using different number or emails that I ignore and don’t respond to. The Uber driver incidences are honestly out of the drivers’ hands. Random drivers have dropped him at my door step as that is the destination he sets when he has gone binge drinking for days. I used to ‘help and shield him when security guards would see him and knock at my door. Security works differently here and cops laugh off domestic issues. Restraining orders are a novelty here not the norm and is essentially useless in my country. I am moving to a new location next week so these random harassing stops will cease.
Thank you for the encouragement too. I have mostly been contact but with my new income capacity I am going full No contact as I won’t need his conditional/seasonal support anymore.
Slowbutsure, thanks for the added info and great to hear that you are taking control and able to purge him from your life. It’s bad here in the US, so I can only imagine how bad it could be elsewhere. You are strong.
Fly be free!! <3
Yes on the financial independence. It will really help set you free
Aholes be as aholes do.
Ex ahole did stupid stuff, cheating, gambling, drinking, domestic abuse, coercive control and taking out loans in my name.
Then proceeded to try to claim 50% of my assets. I took a law qualification to prepare the admin on my divorce myself We had lived together for a few years before I married this ahole and that counts towards time married here.
It all changed on our wedding day when he felt he had entitlement. He even dipped his schlong with the wedding planner at the wedding venue in the wine cupboard. He was seen and eventually the person who saw him told me.
After that no bad behaviour was beyond him including theft from my business.
One of his OW was an ex exotic dancer (wealthy) from Bratislava living in Italy (the BIT).
He got a minimal sum from me because I booted him after 9 months of marriage.
Here is what I discovered :
He had kept the ashes of his deceased first wife (died of cancer) in the boot of his car. (I arranged and paid for her interment).
Gambled everything including his pension, the proceeds of the sale of his previous marital house, his redundancy (yep lost his job- his qualifications were bogus so never worked again).
He moved to Italy to be with the BIT. No idea if they are still together. He said he hated pasta and pizza. I cooked the wrong pasta every time so guess thats now his favourite thing.
Comes to my village every Xmas to go to an annual reunion and parks his car in front of my home. I have moved house but its always where I live.
Wonder how thats going for him?
Not sure but aholes are as aholes do.
As for me :
I have a home and two holiday flats. A business with its own office, a career even though I am beyond retirement age.
I am fit, active and pack muscle. If I say so myself not too bad for my age.
Life is amazing and ahole free.
It can be done and despite how awful it is as you go through it then other side is awesome.
Go gf you are mighty.
Hmm. So, I guess he’s never had a flat tire while parked in front of your house? 😉 Or maybe more than one? 😉
I hope you can preempt his next “reunion” and have a brigade of trucks parked in front of your house for the occasion.
I also read about someone who “trained” the local crow population to shit all over a nasty neighbor’s car but that sounded like a rather elaborate process. 😀
Hugs! You are mighty too! And we can indeed rebuild our life bit by bit everyday. P.S I do tend to think he parks there as a hoovering technique or as means of trying to get under your skin. Continue ignoring.
😁 Just desserts do taste sweet.
This just goes to show that you should never go by how things look on social media. The more aggressively shiny the SM presents a person’s life as, the more miserable the person actually is. Happy people don’t have a motive or the inclination to ostentatiously display their good fortune online. To have that inclination is to be a joyless person by nature, unable to even comprehend that happiness isn’t about surface level pleasures like vacations, parties, material things, etcetera. Genuinely happy people don’t have to front as such and they don’t care whether or not other people think they’re happy.
Congrats, SBS! Great success story.
Thank you. The Holidays were an especially painful thing for me back then as I had started out with FW when we were 19 and s since we were 13. So those posts would send me to the darkest pits until I realized it is all impression management and for a while it was places we had gone to together or I had on my Wishlist
Great post- and congratulations on building your life without a giant arsehole clinging to your ankles stinking up the joint.
They don’t get rid of us because they want to change- they just want someone who will swallow their bullshit and not question them or demand accountability.
It came around for Ballbag McGee’s ‘love of his life’- she’s been cheated on as I knew she eventually would and her knight in cheap Temu armour is now some crusty old guy who dresses like a basement dwelling incel and has somehow managed to look older than his father.
Dickhead McCluggage has hooked up with a fellow crappy human – it’s been almost a year to the day since he burnt our house down during court proceedings and had to move in with her .
I can’t imagine that’s going well unless she too likes to dwell in filth and have a shiftless alcoholic whining like a teenager when he doesn’t get his own way- I wonder if he’s pissed in her kitchen sink yet while looking her in the eye daring her to complain.
I’m nowhere near through the trauma – but next year I will be heading off alone on an at least six month solo travel adventure.
4 months and counting down- I’m ready to live MY life again.
Burnt your house down literally? If so, I hope he was caught and convicted. What a horrible person.
Yep- but being a volunteer firefighter he knew how to make it look accidental.
Justice will be served eventually.
Your story reminds me of Peter Greenaway’s The Cook, the Thief, His Wife and Her Lover. You’re like the tasteful Georgina finally liberated from thugs and pigs.
Thank you- may that be true for us all. 😊
I know the film centers on a cheating theme but it never bothered me much because Helen Mirren’s character is a severely battered woman (the only ethical exemption for monkey branching aside from coerced child bride that I can think of) and the film is probably the least victim-blaming presentation in cinema history to date.
It’s pretty obvious why this film put Helen Mirren on the map.
All the very best on your solo adventure! Do carry a vacation photobook that you can stick printed pictures on and a journal! We all don’t have the route to healing figured out but we can start. And this trip is a great start!
Thank you so much- I’ll be sure to do that.
May 2026 bring you all you’ve ever wanted.
Absolutely love this Slowbutsure, thank you.
“We all don’t have the route to healing figured out but we can make a start.”
I had already pre-named 2026 “The Year of Healing”. I might have to use this sentence as my subtitle (referenced of course!). Definitely the encouragement I needed today. X