No More Divorce Shame. It’s Tuesday
It’s been four years and she feels no more divorce shame. Tuesday has arrived and she bought a cake to celebrate.
***
Hello Chump Lady,
I thought Tuesday would never come.
I kept focusing on the “Big Sad” of being rejected. Even though I knew his cheating showed his character not my worth; I had trouble embracing the “trust that he sucked.”
I printed out your post, “trust that they suck” and carried it around in my pocket to read at red lights in traffic. It didn’t help.
My whole focus was on the past, what if’s and why the hell? And WTF? And I was embarrassed, like something was wrong with me.
Then your post on divorce shame, on the eve on my fourth year anniversary of my lawyer submitting the paperwork for the judge to sign the divorce decree, totally flipped the switch from sad to joy.
No more shame.
“If you got chumped and loved with your whole heart and tried your damnedest? If your partner drove their life into a ditch and you had to jump away and save yourself? And you SURVIVED that shit? There is nothing to be ashamed of. NOTHING people! NOTHING.”
I love when your writing feels like a bitch slap from a best friend.
Yes, divorce is a loss.
It’s painful as hell and financially calamitous. But it can also be noble and brave.”
Yeah. That’s me now. Noble and brave. (Not weak and wobbly.)
For the past three years I set the time on my watch to go off at the exact time the judge signed the decree. It was a sad focus, on “when it ended.” On when I was free from the bonds of matrimony. With a side of shame.
But this year, I wanted to focus on when I had agency. To celebrate when I decided to submit the property settlement agreement to the judge. On April 1st. (Like you are a fool to not realize how amazing I am.)
The first of the month, so I had a full month on his health care before it ended.
After work today I bought a small chocolate cake, and a little number four candle. And focused on the joy of not being married to someone who was not kind, didn’t respect or appreciate me, and cheated on me, for the past four years.
It’s Tuesday, Tracy.
Thank you for your no-nonsense writing, with an occasional F bomb thrown in. Your writing has helped me survive.
“If you’re feeling any twinge of divorce shame, consider that you’re divorced exactly because you DO value marriage. You DO believe in commitment. You DO believe in love throughout sickness and health. And you DO believe in family. And you’re divorced because your spouse did not share those values and you refused to live a sham marriage.”
Yes, exactly. I value marriage. His cheating shows his character and not my worth.
No more shame. And as you said, “Fuck, em.”
xo
No More Shame.
P.S. I was married 30 years, and a stay-at-home mom, and now I work full-time.
****
Dear No More Shame,
I hope you enjoyed that chocolate cake with gusto! Thank you for the Tuesday gain-a-life inspiration.
Going forward, set that clock to remind yourself of your accomplishments and not your divorce date. Mark that Tuesday. Set it for the day you got that job. For Meh. For anything that’s not tied up with some shared FW identity. You’re so much more than a FW’s spousal appliance.
Thank you for setting a good example and for giving us all a shot in the arm today. You are MIGHTY!
Happy Tuesday!
It’s great to hear about a Chump hitting their own personal “Tuesday.” NMS is rocking her post-FW life.
LFTT
It is great. Way to go with letting go of that shame, NMS! May your future be very, very bright, without a fuckwit in your life.😊
TLR,
I often wonder whether, as Chumps, we let go of shame (which we have done nothing to earn) or come to the epiphany that the shame was not ours to bear in the first place.
LFTT
It is so important to live well and stand strong after the horrors of divorce. I want to be an example of thriving after abuse and not sinking into despair. If people ask, I do tell.them I was divorced twice..doesn’t that bring a shiver? And I folliw with a brief survival story and having two cheaters. Then I describe cheating as abuse. There are so many cheater apologists and cheaters, that I want to offset that ” you both had a part” and shake them up a bit. If I’m ashamed I play into that line of reasoning. ..yes it was me not trying hard enough. I act Tuesday until it sinks in…the truth sets me free.
NMS – So many of us made the leap after a 30-year marriage (add a bit of time for ending the pick me dance and getting through grief/shame.) I see myself as a long-distance swimmer who didn’t choose to jump into the water but arrived at a safe sandy shore. Cheers.
Congratulations, No More Shame! Thanks for summarizing the journey and some of Tracy’s greatest hits.
Despite Tracy’s advice, I like having a reminder in my electronic calendar for the divorce decree, because it’s a positive reminder that I filed and got away from a bad person. I also have a reminder for winning sole custody, which was a separate case. Both are worth celebrating.
NMS, Congrats and I hope you enjoyed your version of cake eating. I was also in a long term marriage to a cheater and found out that he was actively cheating and had been throughout the marriage. This year I will celebrate my third year of freedom from a FW. Not sure how I will do it but that cake sounds wonderful!!
Keep being Mighty!!!!!!
You are my heroine, NMS! You’re mighty, brave, and free. You’ve got integrity. You’re a woman of action. You have shown the world that you respect yourself. You’re setting an example of courage for chumps like me. Last year was our 30th wedding anniversary. I was a stay at home mom. D-day was 4 months ago…his affair had gone on nearly 2 years, and of course that’s probably the tip of the cheating iceberg. The rocky ride to divorce has just started in my world. It’s daunting, and you give me hope. Tuesday–and meh–will be mine one day. Big hugs.
Congrats! Happy Tuesday!
Congrats NMS, and doesn’t the fresh air smell sweet?
Congratulations, NMS!
Your post and Tracy’s response remind me that it’s important to give myself credit for having “loved with my full heart,” not just in the sense of having brought a deep love to the marriage but also in the sense of NOT HAVING BEEN A CHEATER MYSELF.
When my first husband was secretly conducting his 6-year affair, our sex life shrank to almost nothing, and I was mystified and devastated. But in spite of being sexually deprived, rebuffed, and thus humiliated for all those years, I never would have started an affair of my own to get my self-esteem back. (I wish I hadn’t waited 6 years to put real pressure on this unsatisfying marriage, but that’s another story.)
And really, my integrity is my true wealth. My ex is doing “better” than I am in many senses; he has remarried, and he and his current wife are super-successful professionally, while my life is more modest. And sadly, my own second marriage ended in (aaagh) my being chumped again! But whatever my own weaknesses may be, I am not character-disordered. I am so lucky in this! My adult daughter sees this difference between me and her father. There’s just a penumbra of betrayal around him, which makes her feel unsafe with him, much as she loves him.
We human beings can’t even choose whether to have character disorders or not, but those of us who are lucky enough not to have to go to our graves leaving a trail of betrayals behind us should remember to give ourselves a pat on the back for all the times we sacrificed some kind of gratification in the service of faithfulness.
Leedy! Just didn’t know you were also in the 2x cheater club. I did the infidelity survey x2 and it registered both my offenders..took about 3 hours as I went fast, but oh the abuse and heart💔💔 break that is involved. My last X told me I had Integrity and I was loyal. I wondered how he knew what those words even meant…and coming from him, they meant nothing. 1-1/2 years from my second cheaters divorce I am not at Tuesday yet like NMS but I’m so proud of us for how we have been faithful to our families and stayed as sober as possible. I wanted to say how sorry i am for the devastating of 2x. Once was horrific, two was unspeakable. My heart is with us as we keep taking the next step to true freedom. But for me, each night I sleep alone, not being coerced, manhandled, gropped,manipulated, insulted, the silent treatment well the list is endless…me and my mind and body are moving closer to meh and Tuesday. Thank you for your share…after 30 years if being an object I am thrilled to find me again.
Thank you for the solidarity, 2xchump! Yes, for me too, the fact that both my marriages ended with my being chumped is devastating. (And I still can’t fathom how husband #2, knowing how traumatized I had been by husband #1’s cheating, persuaded himself that it would be okay for him to do the same thing to me.) But like you, I am clearly getting closer to meh every month. Cheers to you!
I waited over 25 years ago and was sexually deprived all that time
Oh wow, I’m so sorry!
I add my congrats on your Tuesday, NMS. 🥂
Isn’t it great. It’s a night and day difference from the traumatized mess I was before.
I do my bit to spread Tracy’s message that infidelity is abuse, especially the serial ones. It’s sexual assault, theft of marital assets plus cheating on the kids through theft of time and energy. Hey it’s the multi pack ABUSE BUNDLE! I never let anyone brush it off as just cheating or being unhappy. I’m spreading the message! Oh and at Tuesday long time ago because I had a murderous FW.
I love this post. I was really ashamed for a long time – and sometimes still feel like I wasn’t good enough.
But I think I’m getting closer. Last time I was asked why my marriage ended, I surprised myself with the answer. Instead I simply said
I was married to someone who didn’t like me.
And that was so true. And for me, puts the shame where it should be. I am easy to get along with, and someone who didn’t like me had no place getting married to me and starting a family. And I truly think that FW only liked how I made him feel, and how I maintained his human-mask. I don’t think he ever saw me.