What Did Your Sad Sausage Want Sympathy For?
The sad sausage self-pity channel probably provokes more Stupid Shit Cheaters Say than the other two channels, rage and “charm.” It’s kind of absurd for chumps to expect succor from the cheaters who gutted us, but it’s exponentially more ridiculous that cheaters want sympathy from chumps.
Really, dude, you want me to understand that you’re grieving your affair partner?
Is this a hard time for you? You feel pain too? No, wait — MORE?
Somehow after discovery you’re called upon to understand They Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time. And don’t you feel just terrible the ways in which you’ve been an obstacle to their happiness? I think you should. They’ve suffered so much.
So today, CN, tell me the craziest thing your cheater wanted sympathy for.
(I usually save the participation threads for Friday, but that begins Valentine’s Day Infidelity Verse… so hang on for that one…)
Poor sausages.
My ex was a mental health nightmare just a few months prior to me leaving him. He cried, needed me to be with him as well as me working fulltime and looking after the kids and the house – turns out OW had dumped him. Chumpy me didn’t know what was wrong (he didnt tell me of course) and I nearly went crazy myself trying to help him. Turns out I was helping him grieve his secret affair.
I can empathize with racking up a history of personality disordered ex-partners and cheaters.
1 psychopath/narcissist
1 borderline/avoidant
1 borderline/psychopath
1 avoidant
Then there were 4 seemingly healthy people who cheated.
1 cheater gave me her email password, which I didn’t request and I only used once I heard rumors of cheating. Despite email evidence of cheating, she still denied it and then made pity posts on social media, wailing that she couldn’t trust her friends because ‘obviously someone told me lies about her cheating.’ Poor baby/liar!
Another ex had begged me to commit to being my girlfriend. She cheated on me with her ex boyfriend within 2 weeks. She came sobbing to me for support because the sex was horrible and he wouldn’t take her back. WTF?!
Then another ex was seemingly wonderful… I invite him to my house for sex and play. He said he’s visiting friends and would rather stay with them. I was offended but understanding… until I find out that he was watching an orgy involving a woman he had been pursuing. He didn’t understand why I was so offended and had dumped him instantly upon discovery. He wanted sympathy for being dumped when he ‘didn’t cheat at all. He just watched and masturbated.’ My heart bleeds.
The latest one… whoo.
I was in a committed relationship with Kicked Puppy for almost four years and we had been engaged for two of them. He became ‘severely depressed’ after about two years. He even got me to pay for his therapy and meds. I paid for rent and all expenses anyway. He had agreed to be the housekeeper… which stopped almost entirely when he became ‘depressed.’ He withdrew sex entirely. Chump here didn’t even consider that a person who was otherwise so sweet and considerate was actually just using me for my money. He claimed he wanted to attend anime conventions to alleviate his depression. I was happy to send him… on my dime, of course. Right before he left for the last one, I found text messages between him and some random person he casually had sex with at the conventions. I was mortified and utterly devastated.
He begged for money and all his possessions. I refused to give him any money, but I did return his meagre possessions. He whined that he was all alone and had to move in with his aunt and uncle because ‘they were the only ones who would help him in his time of need.’ “I have no savings, no education, no pension, and no home. Please don’t destroy all that is dear to me!”
I was flabbergasted. I’ve been in too many relationships with users and abusers. I gave him his crap and wished him well. No ‘pick me’ dance. It was and is such a difficult stance to take. No contact is painful because I still feel shell-shocked by the unforeseen betrayal. He was wonderful to be with and pretended to be so sadz. I find myself aching to contact him.
But I won’t. I’ve blocked him.
… and I had a frank conversation with his aunt and uncle about why he was so desperate for a place to crash. Now his family knows what he did. His uncle was very disappointed and explained that his (uncle’s) first wife cheated on him and it was my ex’s father who helped the uncle get through the betrayal.
That’s all the vindication I need. His family is saddled with him. We never married, so I owe my ex nothing, financially or otherwise. And now his parents and beloved aunt and uncle know what an exploitative, lying cheater he is. Sadly, he’s now exploiting them, but that’s not my problem.
But he feels sorry for himself! How the hell is he not aware that his active and long-term choices to betray me directly resulted in his now being homeless and without a chump paying for his rent, health care, and porking hobbies? He feels like the poor beleaguered victim who ‘made a mistake’ and is now discarded ‘so easily’ after ‘things went wrong.’
How the f*ck do these POS convince themselves that consequences are practically natural disasters in how unexpected they are? At the same time, it’s still all MY fault for ‘making him destitute and desperate.’ He cheated! For two years! At my expense! With at least two people and without protection!
At least he’s solidly out of my life, impoverished, and dependent upon his relatives for basic sustenance… and they know what he is.
So do I.
My picker is beyond busted. How many more demons will I inadvertently let into my life?!
Your story is so triggering – the memory of that insanity! It was a similar situation with me (except we weren’t married). After many weeks of gaslighting and suddenly making up reasons to not see me, our phone conversations were full of his doom and gloom but he wouldn’t reveal the source of his angst. I was worried that he was having some sort of breakdown. I offered to come over to console him (since I was also his “best friend”). That’s when he finally told me his GF of many months had broken up with him.
It was a strange emotional place to be – to want to help him with his upset and yet be blindsided and humiliated by his deception. He was completely oblivious to how he had hurt me during all this. He only told me about her because HE needed comforting, otherwise he would have kept up his lying charade with me. Everything is ALL about him and for himself only.
Friends and partners like that, I won’t need enemies. Please, if there is a god, don’t send me any more of these heartless narcissists. Thanks, Justine, for posting your story. It validates my experience and clarifies that I was with a very disordered person.
I can totally relate. I’ve had a few of them, but the last one was the worst. I pray to god that I have learned my lessons to self love, create boundaries, and trust my gut. Please let me be done with my lesson. Four narcs and two sociopaths (one with a comorbidity of borderline) is enough. I’m still not right.
I feel for you:( They are absolutely amazing in their ability to feel nothing for anyone other than themselves. Staggering.
Speaking of triggers, I thought of me hinting to him that I am discovering that he may be cheating. he obviously got the hint and remarked “let’s get on with it”, as in the break up. Makes me think there were so many secrets, he couldn’t take it anymore, but I had to be the one to put him out of his sad sausage misery of I can’t stop eating cake. Like everyone here has said… unbelievable what comes out of people’s mouths, as though they could give a crap about anything to do with your “relationship”. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I really didn’t mean sh-t to him at all nor anything I contributed to his life for the better. Just a placeholder for the here and now. I should have dumped that POS long before…
WTF!!!!!
Similar to me. Turns out her boyfriend, a good mate of mine back then, had dumped her (he decided to propose to his own, real gf only to be turned down). My wife took her angst out on me, blaming me for the breakup venting the worst psychological abuse onto me. Real borderline stuff. I had no idea what was going on. What kept me sane was from all the cold shouldering and gaslighting was keeping a journal which I would recommend to anyone going through something similar.
That sounds like a sad Bunnings snagger with dead horse!
Aussie chumps unite !!:)
Oy Oy Oy!
Holy crap!
During false reconciliation my cheating ex-wife told me a long rambling story about one AP she fucked for several years (she said 2, turned out it was more like 12) who treated her badly. When she broached him leaving his family to run off with her and our youngest son, he declined saying, “You know its always only been about sex.” She told me this, then, tearfull, “He was such an asshole!” And in that moment I knew she expected me to empathize, with the pain he’d caused her, for promises unfulfilled, emotional ties discarded. And, embarrassingly, I tried. “Yes, what an asshole,” I mumbled. But forming the words literally made my head swim. I thought, running him down for this–doesn’t that mean I’m mad he didn’t run off with my wife and child?Would that make him more–or less– of an asshole than using her for sex? That was a question I couldn’t really answer. And what about my pain at being lied to and used? What did I do with that? Again, no answer.
So glad I found out about some of the other affairs (ongoing) a few days later and filed. My head no longer swims with mindfuckery.
Same story here. My cheating ex was dumped by her affair partner of 18 months or so. When I uncovered it all her biggest focus was on how she’d apparently been used and betrayed by the AP. Yes she made a mistake (minimise, minimise, minimise), but she said “I can’t believe someone I thought was a friend used me and betrayed me…!” and then “Why can’t you feel sympathy for me?”. Makes your head spin.
OUCH! I am so glad you are far, far away from that!
That so clearly shows how they think. All about ME ME ME! It never even crossed her mind she had fucked you over much worse. What was she using you for? Bitch! I hope karma continues to bless her in all her relationships and she’s used continuously just for sex!
First wife: ” I felt no “connection” in our marriage ( well , that would have been a little tough with her out until after midnight about 2/3 of all nights while I took care of our two boys alone).
Also,” you would not believe the body of the young pro bike racer I spent the night with” _nice, eh? A true sadist.
Second wife : “You did not make me feel ” Special” and ” You turned me down for sex too much”.
Yeah, well , as far as the “special” deal. I guess working three jobs to keep up with her spending, watching the kids two nights a week and one afternoon a week so she could have time away( from her difficult job of tanning and shopping), preparing all the dinners each night, and being a boring, beta male, was not enough to make her feel “special”.
As far as Sex goes, my XW never initiated, turned me down constantly, and had two kids sleeping in bed with her every single night. Guess I missed her signal that she was so into sex.
They just make stuff up to justify their conduct, Arnold. Funny we never hear about their complaints before the affairs, when they might be constructive. But, wait, if we fix A that they complain about post-hoc, then their affair would have been due to B or C. It’s lose-lose with the disordered.
Wish I would have known you were available! Instead I got the same thing you did. Talk about feeling unwanted. Then to find out why there was no spark… Too busy with everyone else.
Oh my … OMG Nomar, that is just horrific. No, that is sociopathically bad.
What a DOUCHE. How awful for the sadz she GOT USED!
Oh wow! That’s… that’s really classic! Good on you for coming to your senses and filing the divorce.
Mine told me he didn’t stop me from taking pleasure in reading for example. So having an (many?!) affair is his hobby.
As one Lola to another, that’s seriously pathetic.
It just goes to prove Lundy Bancroft right once again – it’s not what they feel, it’s what they THINK, that makes them unable to change.
Or not think, as the case may be, because there seems to be some serious cabbage between some people’s ears.
He said that he tought that I wouldn’t like it. Never occurred to him that it might be wrong, unfair. That I called his best thinking.
Mine was Church! He never stopped me from going to church or taking our kids to church!
Seriously? You can’t make this shit up!
And I love the cartoon. It captures all of the insanity and cruelty. It actually makes me smile, a rare thing these days.
He was trying to make me understand. He is not a drinker, a smoker, all those terrible things.
Give the prize a bitch cookie
No he was much worse he was a man whore with no moral compass. Sad sausage for sure. These assholes never cease to amaze me and I was unaware that having affairs was considered a hobby I will have to remember that screwing over your wife and family is kind of like taking up building model airplanes or golfing in their spare time. Ugh!!!
Arseface told me he had such a busy life as obs gynae consultant and he didn’t play golf so sex with multiple concurrent partners was his hobby.
Then when it ended with exit AP he asked for my’ friendship and support ‘as he transitioned from her to his next target,who of course was an overlap,already lined up and waiting in the wings.AP he was in process of discarding had no idea and he didn’t factor in my figuring it out.The universal MO of the sociopath…idealise,devalue,discard,hoover.Wasn’t hard to work out what he was up to.
He ‘needed all the friends he could muster ‘at this stressful time,don’t you know.Poor sad sausage.There are no words.
Arseface sounds like my ex-wife’s OBGYN.
I gave her numerous evidence (easily found) of his sexual deviance (ads for kinky sex with uni students, coworkers he had propisitioned for sex, lack of professional boundaries with my wife) but she ignored them all. That was all in his past she said. They were in love.
Less than a year later she comes to me devastated and bruised after he beat her up (something I also warned her of). She didn’t turn to her friends or family for support. Of course I did open my heart and home to her. No woman deserves that.
And she chumped me again, weeks later going back to him, because you know… the violence was all in the past now too!
Ewww he’s an obs gynae consultant. I’ve just been a bit sick in my mouth
Another Affair Sex hobby! These people are nuts!
Mine prided himself on being “honest” – which meant he got to torment me that he was unhappy and would be leaving at some point in the future if I didn’t do something about his state of mine. When I pleaded for him to tell me what I was doing wrong, how I’d made him unhappy, what I could change…. he had no suggestions. It really looked like his complaints were just a way for him to outsource his crappy inner life onto me. He refused couples counseling, date night, and every other way in which couples found ways to get closer. He’d go off on long day and weekend trips to wonderful locations on his own, as a way to fix “us,” and my job was to not-complain and take the blame for “us” being imperfect.
Later, when the OW insisted on being “the only one” he again prided himself on his “honesty” and confessed that he loved her more than he’d ever love me. I was supposed to be very grateful for this honesty (even though it only came about because she wanted it) and he couldn’t understand why I wasn’t very impressed with him.
After she got the things she wanted from him, she stopped sleeping with him and I was supposed to fit myself back into place as his unpaid assistant and main emotional support because he “loved” me. I was pretty sure that he was doing what she had told him to do here, too, because when I was with him then he was better able to continue helping her in various professional ways.
Whatever was going on in his life, my job was to be plundered. He was extremely resentful no matter how much I gave, and he always wanted more, and he always complained.
I asked my fiance of 23 yrs what I can do for this relationship? He responded “I’d just like a little trust.”
Funnnnnnyyyyyy
Sing sister! Sing! Its sadly ironic how similar these cheaters are, very little originality. I heard a very similar story. Mine was chasing his yoga dreams to the tune of over $15,000 and even had women in the yoga classes setting him up with their friends. Yep, they pimped out their friends. Nice gals, huh? So to say the least, I don’t care for the “yoga is the new panacea for anything that ails you” bullshit that is being sold everywhere. My way to handle it? I am no longer silent. I’m not mean or vindictive. I simply say the facts and yep, they are documented facts, to everyone who knows him. The looks on their faces are priceless!
He complained to you to give you a head’s up that when he finally left you for OW, he could justify by saying , “well I told you time and time again” that I was not happy, leaving , etc. Of course during that time he needed you as a back up plan, they always need a back up plan just in case things don’t work out. Such defects.
X is another honest cheater who claims to be “a man of integrity”. He only wanted something different, and he didn’t mess around until he moved out. Yeah right…,
I asked X how he could call himself a man of integrity after all his lies, he replied with “not to be concerned, my integrity is intact.”
In his warped mind he’s justified everything he’s done. How could I forget, X does nothing wrong, he’s perfect, just ask him.
TryingToCope — we were married to the same douche bag narc! I heard the exact same crap, and I bought into it (25 sunk investment years together and 4 kids) for exactly 18 weeks before I shut that shit down.
Mine also wanted kudos for coming clean. (One of) his AP told him he wasn’t a bad person but he was doing a bad thing and he chose to come clean. When I told him he wouldn’t have Said anything without her giving him an easy out he got VERY offended and said “I could have ignored her! I made the hard decision to tell you. Staying with you would be the easy thing to do and I don’t want to live my life that way.” So many eye rolls.
It would be easy to stay with you. To be fair and honest. To do the things he promised to do. To be a decent fucking human being. But where’s the fun in that? Plus he wouldn’t get to completely DESTROY another person OR have unlimited cake. And that’s the real shame in taking the easy way out.
I also got the “I cheated on you but I am actually an honest person” from my cheating ex-wife. Maybe CL could investigate why so many cheaters believe, really relieve that they are honest. That their affairs are actually an expression of honesty.
Aussie – CL has investigated it. It’s called self-centered and entitlement.
They ‘deserved’ it.
Aussie, could you go kick my cheater in the balls for me? He’s over there, at the time.
How about a couple of kicks and one on his arse to send him on his way.
I have no time for cheaters at all. They know what they are doing, the damage they cause, but really don’t care.
I’ll send my little boy over to do that for you QM, “accidentally”
Ooohhh! I had one of those! Also after he found out that one of his affair partners has been sleeping not only with him and her man but also about three managers at his work he was livid! He wanted to get revenge on her. I stood there stunned. I said to him if he wanted my forgiveness for what he had done he’d have to forgive her. But he seemed to expect her loyalty…
When we decided to give wreckconcilaition a try, exhole had to “break up” with AP. That night he told me while tears were streaming down his face that he did the deed so to speak.
A couple of weeks later he heard AP changed jobs and also learned she was still with her hubby. He was mad at her about that. No seriously. I just silently listened and didn’t try to rock the boat.
These days I find that absurdity pretty laughable but I’d love to go back in time and tell myself to pull my head out of my ass!
These folks , simply, cannot have normal intelligence. It is not possible to take these positions and have anywhere near normal ability to think.
My first XW, in response to being told that I could not understand why she was out all the time at night told me ” of course I get more time off than you. I have more friends (i.e . affair partners, apparently.
What a stupid, self centered asshole. How dis she ever get out of law school with high honors. I bet she was blowing professors or something.
I would bet money on that Arnold. Perhaps a few judges as well. I have seen it happen…
Mine told me breaking up with his affair partner was the hardest thing he ever had to do! I guess I was supposed to see his grand sacrifice and be so grateful. Of course he really didn’t stay away from her as he became her stalker and she loved it! He was distraught over HER! Such nibbles for both of them and misery for chumpy me. Well now they are married and some in his family actually don’t want to associate with them, so he is the “victim ” of their “meanness”. Such a sad sausage.
After cleaning out our retirement funds and running off with our best friends wife, x called me from another state to tell me he hadn’t taken enough money to keep ow in the style he had promised her….and wanted my sympathy cuz he didn’t know what to do. This was the first I had heard from him since I had come home from work to find him gone. I was speechless. Then I laughed and hung up on him. Apparently that was proof of how cold hearted I was.
If ever we needed proof that they see their spouse in the parental role instead, here it is. We’re supposed to console them about the most ridiculous problems but they are always allowed to hurt us.
Newday
That has left me speechless! Omfg.
Proof of what a mighty bad ass you are!!
Wow new day. Wow. You have to laugh, but it’s just weird to laugh at some of the most painful moments. How screwed up.
I’m very sorry for all you guys predicaments! My worst was my ex told me she said ” I felt obliged to fuck him. !!! multiple times. Because he took attention.
Mine said she told him for months that she had to fuck him. So he waited until he picked enough fights with me to really resent me and sealed the deal with her. Ain’t love grand?
Their reasoning/justification is so stupid. You can’t even call it reasoning.
Even though I felt stupid and humiliated, you should have seen his face when he realized how many men she’d done this to/with/under/kneeling. The basis for the attraction was her making him feel so special and powerful and worth risking ger marriage for. Instead, he was just the latest. Doh!
My lying, cheating, thieving STBX wanted sympathy when, after taking 9 weeks to leave the house post d-day, it would take multiple trips to move his stuff into his new apartment!
I will never understand why it is so hard for them to move out when it was clearly what they wanted from the start. I sold the house I shared with my ex and moved all my stuff out and told him what was left was trash or his. He waited until the very last weekend before close to move the furniture and I had to get my realtor to bug him about it (she was a lifesaver oh my god!).
Mine wouldn’t move out, either, AND he left tons of his stuff behind. I think it’s all part of the cake-eating. He was fine w/my saying we were done, all ready to head off to a life of bliss w/his Twu Lurv. But he fucking wouldn’t go! I had to finally find him an apartment, take him there to get him to sign the lease, then make him move, THEN make him actually spend his time there, and take the kids there on his visitation time, THEN to stop coming over randomly to ‘do laundry’ (yeah, of course there was laundry at his new building ….).
I asked him to take his stuff; he took most of his clothes. A year later, after repeated requests, I packed up the rest of his stuff, had the kids take it to the basement storage room. It’s still there, of course. I noticed he didn’t take or ever ask for the little gifts the kids had made for him over the years, or any photos …..
I think he really thought I was going to let him come back. Plus he’s hugely lazy, I took such care of him over the years ….
Done now, though!
Mine was renting a 3 bedroom farmhouse when our divorce was finalized. Hooked back up with an old high school friend (not OW so I have no ax to grind there) then they tried to get her a permit to live over here in France. HALOOOO, not an EU citizen, no income, they weren’t married, plus no medical insurance over here. Yeah, why not let her in. So the next smart move was to move back to the US, except he did it with only 5 days’ notice. Left behind his dog (which he had only gotten 5 months earlier) and all his shit, including his washing in the washing machine. Everything. Guess who got to sort that crud out. I only did it to help my sons – I would never have done it to help him. We took the dog to the dog’s home and he was adopted pretty quick (asshole asked me if I wanted him – I told him I was gone working 12 hours a day so yeah why don’t I take your dog and make him miserable). My kids took what stuff they wanted and I am left with the rest of his crap in my basement, trying to get rid/sell as and when. Talk about entitlement!
Traitor complained via his lawyer that he didn’t have any money to leave, so my lawyer replied with an advance on a settlement and a car so he could leave immediately. So traitor complained I kicked him out.
I had the same. He was already moved in with Just-A-Friend/But-Really-A-Whore, when I moved out. We were already divorced and items remaining were his per decree. I had to hire an attorney (he had a RO against me and my attorney told me to “get off the grid” so that XH and whore could not find me) to tell him to get his crap out of the house so that it didn’t look like we were divorced and desperate to sell. I think my attorney had to send him multiple letters on that subject. He then used the contact to try to mess with me on remaining expenses (like paying $30 for his half of the landscaper). At that point, I just paid the landscaper and ended XH’s reign of terror. We have no children and no need to ever deal with each other again. I had the special kind of abandoning, conflict avoidant/passive aggressive sociopath. Such a blessing that he married his whore.
Mine wouldn’t leave either. According to the Divorce Letter he gave me, he didn’t have a plan for anything. LIAR! He already spoke with a mediator. So he didn’t have a plan and according to him, we were going to do things on his time schedule and the way he wanted. WRONG! No mediation. I got my own lawyer. I filed for divorce to protect myself financially. After me begging him to move out for five months. I moved out and I took the kids and dog with me. And it cost us a load of money to rent that apartment, when it could have been free for him to move to his parents. Every. Single. Fucking decision that assbrain made was self-centered like only a Narc can do.
They leave stuff behind because it still marks “their territory” literally and figuratively.
Mr. Sparkles had TWO YEARS to move out his remaining items (mechanic toolbox, record albums, bullshit stuff). Three weeks before divorce was to be final, I again told him to get his stuff out. SILENCE. So, after divorce was final on Dec 22, I told him he had until the end of the year or it would be put curb side.
He chose new years eve day… called me a bitch the whole time… yeah, cuz it was my fault he lied, cheated, broke up our family, and waited two years to get his shit gone from my house. He even through at me… “my name is still on the deed you know” (even though the house was declared mine in the divorce). So, I thanked him for the reminder and as of Wednesday, his name will be off the deed too.
Buh bye.
OMG! Flace slap! Marking their territory!!!!
Mine has so much of his crap in the barn. An antique truck too. I’ve even got his mom’s ashes (Gaslighter was an only child and didn’t even have a memorial service for his devoted Mother…). Wow. Now I get it…
Marks their territory! That makes SO much sense! Thank you for the wisdom and the mental image of STBX as a dog.
Yes. If they mark their territory, they can come back more. So my friend and I packed his sh*t so when he came to stomp through the house and toss my things around, his stuff was at the door in trash bags. He came with no boxes, tape or garbage bags. He was being a total *ss when the Sheriff’s deputy I requested showed up. It was amazing how he changed characters and apologized for me troubling him to show up on such a simple matter. He kept trying to make excuses why he needed to come back. I said, ” Once the divorce is finalized to the mediator I will be happy to allow him to have whatever sh*t is left of his fat *ss lazy butt.
He wouldn’t leave so I did. His words were “I don’t want us to be apart”. Right. Except when he’s screwing other women.
Ha Ha! Mine arrived at his new roach-infested apartment 5 days before his new king size mattress did. He had to sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag. It made his back hurt. Sniff.
Take two Tylenol and DON’T call me in the morning!
I have a status quo order in place which means I have to agree to any big expenditures beforehand. When he found a “cool” apartment in a “hip” part of town, I did not agree to the expense but he rented it anyway. Now he complains that the apartment is too small, too far away from my house, and doesn’t have a dishwasher. So, he apparently wants sympathy for both violating a court order and choosing a bad apartment.
Martha the Chump: My Sad Sausage curled up in the fetal position in our bed, crying like a baby and saying he was “so ashamed” after he told me he went to Canada over ten times while I was pregnant and got 100% naked lap dances (found out by a chump that touching is allowed, you can bj’s and sex for extra money which I’m confident in saying that my perverted ex would most certainly have done if he had the chance). Chumpy me hugged him. Wrapped my body around him. Told him I forgave him. And ended up having great “make-up sex” with him that very night. NEVER ONCE did he try to understand my pain over what he did. Even though he said he’d “make it up to me for the rest of my life”, he didn’t do one damn thing to make it up to me.
My daughter who I don’t think ever will be a chump (I hope and pray!): The night we told our kids that we were divorcing (ex lied to the kids and said we both wanted the divorce — I didn’t — and right away I set that record straight and said “your dad has just been pretending” — narc dad “didn’t like that I said that” — too bad lying jerk!), the kids and I were in a heap of hugging each other and crying while their dad was emotionless and didn’t care about the pain and suffering he was causing the family he supposedly loved. I told him to leave us alone as I didn’t want the person who was hurting my children near them anymore! Narc dad slept on the couch that night. My daughter decided to sleep in the room above our living room which is a loft with direct openings so you can look down into the living room. The next morning I asked her how she was doing and she said she didn’t sleep well, “because dad was crying and I just kept saying to myself ‘shut up!!'” See, narc daddy had all the sympathy and empathy for himself, because he was the victim I guess, but none at all for his family. Going forward he was totally cold and emotionless to what he was doing to us, but for himself — Sad Sausage and tears for himself.
Unchumping Martha: A few days later, I told my ex, “Since you no longer what me to be your wife. You are sleeping on the couch. I’m no longer making dinner for you or doing your laundry. I’m no longer doing anything for you that a wife would do.” He looked at me in disbelief. A few days later, the kids and I asked him to leave and move back in with his parents. Daughter was sobbing. Son was protecting me and saying, “Look what you are doing to mom.” And ex said robotically, “I understand, son. I understand, son.” Absolute no care or concern for the pain he was causing his children. He said he wasn’t going to move, because “he had his rights.” Didn’t give a shit that his presence was making us all miserable. Once again, life is all about him and his needs. That’s all that matters to him. Same night I come downstairs and he is nowhere to be found. I go down in the basement (it’s unfinished with concrete floors) and he’s sleeping on the floor! I’ll set the scene so you can picture what a big baby he is. Camping matt is on the floor. His nightlight of sorts from his grandma is plugged in and is near the top of his head. His Bible is there too. I think there were a few other things there, too. But the Baby Boy nightlight and Bible are all that stands out. He’s in his sleeping bag on top of the camping matt. I go up to him and he’s like a caterpillar in a cocoon. Even his head is in the sleeping bag, but just his face is sticking out. He’s also in the fetal position again. I gave him a small nudge with me foot and said, “What are you doing down here?” He’s all whimper noise. I got disgusted by his sad sausage infant/man behavior and walked away, turned off the basement light and went back upstairs. I told my sister (she was in town helping me get a backbone) where he was and she said, “Leave him” and I did.
He was the one who lied to me for 25 years about so much stuff. He was the one who cheated and lead a double life. But he was the victim. When I think about his night in the basement, I realize was a disordered person he is.
On the day my X finally moved out, he told my son, I will be at granny’s if you need me. Never told him what was going on, I had to tell them.
Coward!
Martha. My STBX cheater would not leave the home either. I had to move out. But! The one weekend we were still there together and I would not let him sleep in master bedroom, he slept in the basement on a sad sausage camping mat like yours. Sleeping bag and all. It was so bizarre! We have couches and two blow up mattresses. The adult children saw the basement bed and thought it was crazy too since our basement is unfinished. It’s a basement. Sad sausage!!!
He told me I did not let him heal from affair and I kept bringing it up. You know. My fault.
Thanks for sharing! We were a long term marriage like yours – 32 years.
OMG! I cannot believe your cheater was a sad sausage sleeping in a sleeping bag on the basement floor, too! Bizaare behavior is right! And we had a comfy couch and blow-up mattresses too. I think it was all a play for pitty. I gave him none. Thanks for sharing your story too, LiveForToday.
I gave him none too. The play for pity is so crazy. They were the cheaters! It makes zero sense. The mind of the disordered. I remember mine telling me he would be sad because he would never be in the house again. Poor sad cheater sausage. Of course poor sausage refused to move put. Entitled. House finally going on market. Such sad memories for me. Sex with whore in our bed! Just ugh
Mine has no place to live because he left me. So he goes from being a beach snowbird public drunk at his son’s home to being a fantastic Christian at his brother’s house in a nearby town while getting his bff to drive him to the liquor store for vodka, wine and beer and then, stalking me privately and publicly. Multiple Facebook accounts. I have to block a new one constantly. Now, he demanded to see the home before signing mediation papers and moving the divorce forward and did the typical where are my boots thing in front of the attorneys, I responded ask your children. There is an old pair in the barn. I will get them for you now. Of course, that was not the pair he was looking for and he knew what I had done with them. I just shrugged my shoulders in front of the attorneys and mediator. You want your drawer full of viagra?
Wow. Sounds like a winner! I’m sure you must be happy he’s gone.
Crikey I thought it was only mine who “knew his rights”. The twat moved in with the skank but given their joint maturity level (must have been about -15 on the richter scale) every 3 weeks or so they would have a playground spat and he would move back in because “I know my rights” (the paperwork hadn’t gone through for me to buy him out the house yet). Then the skank would start phoning (around pay day I guess) and he would move back out. One time when he had moved back in he came into our/my bedroom and tried to get into bed with me because “I’m cold”. I think the roof moved slightly when I yelled at him to get the f**k out! Another time, after another infant school spat with the skank he again moved back home. He said he was horny and wanted to have sex ‘cos yet again “he had rights you know”! I told him his rights ended where my rights began and he could piss off. It makes me so mad just writing this crap I tell you.
Not alone, exasshole also “knew his rights”. He refused to leave the house and it was a horror.
I, too, had “I’m not leaving; this is my house, too,” cheater. He finally left ‘for 2 days’ mid-October 2014 when I said one of us needed to go to clear my head (but never returned to the house).
His sad sausage moments:
1-“I thought I’d be home by Thanksgiving.”
2-After D-day about an affair 8 years prior, I moved to the guest room but did wait to see if he’d make things up to me before I filed (nope; naugahyde remorse only). Instead, he claimed I was at fault because I never once in that time said I loved him or gave him encouragement about the marriage. smh
3-“I’ll die alone.” (Actually, he’d started lining up his last AP to leave her husband for him.)
Oh this is going to be fun to share. There were so many reasons to feel sorry for poor little velveeta (I refer to him by synthetic things that seem good but are actually terrible and fake). Definitely created one of those – wait, aren’t I the victim here, type moments. Let’s see, predivorce there was: his parents didn’t love him, he ruins everything good because he’s scared, he just needed to “fuck someone like a slut” (his exact words as to ‘why’), and his ego gets the best of him sometimes. As if those weren’t wonderful enough, post divorce the ‘feel bad for me parade’ marches on. Now I hear: he’s so broke, no one loves him and my personal favorite – the universe is against him. All together now – awwwwwwwww pooooooooor splenda. Hahahah meh
yep i heard the same.. … he had such a bad childhood (not everyone had a wonderful childhood like you mrs vain)… he f*cks up everything good in his life (because he is what he is and can not change) .. .. plus i was asking TOO MUCH from him. (because it is sooOOooo hard to come home every night, pay bills, spend time and attention on your wife and children… and not have sex with people you are not married to)and then finally it is ALL MY FAULT for making him __(fill in the blank)… .. ..
after i kicked him out on New Years Day 2014 when he did not come home again (after literally MONTHS of his not coming home every weekend and trying to get him to understand how it is hurting me) and before i found out about his hood rat troll whore (Feb 9, 2014) he told me he had moved 7 times.. .. . and i was suppose to feel sorry for him because it is not HIS FAULT that his evil wife kicked him out and all his fair weather friends actually left him hanging so nobody wanted him or his whore in their house for long.. .. .
they seriously are all the same.. ..
Awwwww. Poooooor little spaaaaammm!
Little Velveeta. Love this!
Velveeta–love that nickname!
LOL “All together now – awwwwwwwww pooooooooor splenda. Hahahah meh.” Splenda — lol 🙂
“I’m upset because none of our friends [our?] have checked in to see how I’m doing through this”.
May I add that I was pregnant with our second child during this debacle so, no, he didn’t get anyone’s sympathy.
Or, before I knew of the affair and after refusing couples counselling, “I’m starting therapy for ME. This can’t happen to me again!” – turns out he’s cheated in all his past relationships too. How sad for him ?
The XH told a mutual friend that “he was disappointed in the lack of support from our friends!” Blahahahaha! The friend responded, “Perhaps they were disappointed in YOU!” Just AMAZING!!
Mine said this family life wasn’t satisfying to him. He wasn’t happy. He felt trapped. He needed to be free. He wanted to date. He needed to run away and start over. (Really he had an AP that he’s still with 1 year later) and the craziest—- He never got the big boat he’d wanted since he was 15 and I didn’t help him become a professional waterskier! Once I found out about his ho he’d tell me that she supports him and listens & I just put him in his place.
Say what now?! But seriously, is there no originality at all to these people? Mine said he needed to be free. That he just went to work and came home. I pointed out that was his choice. He said he’d have more money if he was not with us. That he’d be further in life without us. That he’d was pretty much destined for greatness but we were holding him back. That he hated his job, his life. That he was nobody’s priority. I was dumbfounded!
I said to him that I was never his priority. He always needed a bunch of needy women to bolster him. (I don’t do needy very well).
He was wasteful with money. He’d even spent some on the other women and their children while I tried to make do. ( I did not know at the time he was funding other people).
He would refuse to go out on family outings with the children and I. He’d agree,then pretend to forget or wait until the last minute then say he’d changed his mind. But he would expect us to go to his family functions where he behaved like he was a top notch husband and father.
He always wanted time to ‘work’ so I’d take the children so he could have peace and quiet or he’d work on weekends.
His job that he hated? He’s still at it. His family that he ‘loved’? He’s left us.
Now he’s running around again ‘helping’ needy women and their children but not his own. Our children are not impressed. They have a mix of disgust and love. I imagine that is a hard sentiment to manage.
OMG! I had no life. All I did was work home sleep repeat. Um, okay. Because I FORCED you to stay in the house? Because I never encouraged you to get outside hobbies? Take up a sport? Make new friends? I have no friends because I spent my time being with him because I was happy and the few friends I had felt like enough. Then I encourage him to go out with the guys from work because they are all married and he meets some fucking WHORE he decides to blow my life up with. And I had no idea. Because all his life he’s hated cheaters more than anything. Then that fucking CUNT (sorry all who hate that word) turns him into the thing he hates most in the world. Cheaters are so pathetic!
Mine was a knight in shining armor too. She NEEDED his help! Because she wasn’t a GROWN FUCKING WOMAN who could take care of herself?! She couldn’t tell an abusive husband to FUCK OFF without MY HUSBAND’S help? He could help her but he couldn’t pay any attention to his own life!
OMG, I think my husband fucked the same woman! 45 y.o. grown-ass woman, but she NEEDED him because she was married to a (supposedly) abusive husband. And then he tells me, “she’s a good person, and doesn’t deserve this!” I only wish they had scampered off into the sunset together instead of him wanting to “work on the marriage” which apparently meant continuing to fuck her while going to marriage counseling… Ugh.
In my experience…they all have “abusive husbands.” That’a their little damsel in distress “SAVE MEEEE” ploy. My husband’s affair partners were supposed to have abusive husbands, and he claimed to believe it, but he’d go over to their house while said supposed abusive husbands were at work to do it. Not too bright, that one.
Exact story here. “We’re officially out of money!” Was a text I got one day. Um, ok. I’ve been living like we’re out of money for 5 years, this is not news to me. The rent you’re paying for one of your AP’s while re furnishing another AP’s home because ,” her child shouldn’t live like that!”. Well, that was news to me…why in fucks name do they surround themselves with such needy women?! I do not understand.
Because that’s the only way they can feel like a man. They can’t deal with a woman who has her shit remotely together. There’s no ego boost there.
Beans, you are absolutely right.
Aha! I can see clearly now. I wasn’t needy enough. Mine left. One day he came by I allowed him in and he saw I had the yard cleaned up and some plants . He says to me ” you have a nice homestead here. All you need now is a man.” Another time I turned down his offer for help and he became irate muttering you’re always okay.
All his other women… Needed ‘ help’.
What can I say. I so suck at damsel in distress.I don’t need a man. I want one. Frankly for any man I’m with its better if I’m wanty and not needy.?
As a fellow woman who also keeps her shit together, I gotta say that the damsel in distress act makes me want to vomit. If that’s the grade of man you reel in by pulling that shit, I think I’ll keep my job.
I remember deciding that we hadn’t had sex in so long that I should do something to spice things up. I bought the sexy bra and panties, the little apron with matching gloves. I set the table with China, wine glasses. I put rose petals in heart shaped containers and lit candles and had dinner ready. Everything done for the evening. He came in and I waited for his response and as he walked pass me he glanced and said, “I have had a hard day and I am tired “. Okay, I won’t do that again. Later, he tried to spark things up to no avail because despite viagra, too much drinking makes one very limp . I gave up.
Mandie
I think mine would say the same if he ever had brain surgery and could suddenly vocalise his feelings. I feel like someone trying to make sense of tea leaves. I know I can’t trust what he says, he acts like nothing has changed, he agrees with most things I say about why or how this could have happened even if it’s contradictory. I don’t have much to go on. He is one slippery fucker is mine. I think it’s the perfect defence. Look sad. Say yes a lot. Look sadder. Take out trash. Look hopeful. Nope look sad again. Agree with sentiment expressed. Shake head sorrowfully at self. Shrug shoulders. Do a grocery shop. Look hopeful again. Nope. Sit and watch tv. Be oblivious- oh yes. That works.
All I know is I fell in love with him. Married him. Had three boys. Raised them. He had three long affairs over four years. He isn’t who I thought he was. He has no idea why, how or what to do next. I file for divorce. End of.
you just nailed my exhusband to a T.. .. . he would mope around like a poor little kicked dog.. .. poor little sad sausage.. .. nobody understands him. nobody loves him.. .. .. he is just one big f*ck up.. .. he tries so hard and just cant get it right.. .
took me YEARS to figure out that he was doing all that hateful, selfish, egocentertic stuff ON PURPOSE.. .. and a few more years to realize he did not CARE if he hurt me or his boys and he was NOT going to change… .. i loved him unconditionally. i gave him everything i had. i tried to help him. i cleaned up after him. i supported and forgave him. i believed in him.. .. .. gave him 15 years and 2 boys only to have him leave my bed and climb into hers and never looked back.. .. replaced and forgotten at the drop of a hate…
like you. He isn’t who i thought or rather BELIEVED he was.. .
Yes and yes!
Hahaha oh gosh some of the stuff they say is so ridiculous in hindsight!
It sounds like he never grew up and is still the 15-year old who wants to be a professional water skier (I didn’t realize there was such a thing! — lol).
Oh sure there are, SOMEONE has to be eaten in mutant shark movies.
Wowwwww. I will giggle about that all day!
Lol. That sounds like a sexy job until you think about it further. That’s a pretty funny shattered dream, I’m sorry.
My ex was so upset that I wanted my dad’s car back after we split that he’d been driving to shag the slut. He said “how will I get to work? How will i live without a car?” His suggestion to rectify the situation was
“I know, how about I give you the car back, then I don’t give you child maintenance for 3 months and buy a new one with the money” he was outraged when I didn’t agree to that and couldn’t see at all how that would be me buying him a car ? Absolutely on another planet… So having a roof over your children’s heads and them having food and drink is no way near as important as him having a car- twat!!!
Xhole wanted to keep my cat, who I’d had for 9 years, 10 months & 2 weeks of his 10 years. Meanwhile, the puppy I’d gotten him, the one he’d “always wanted”, would be locked screaming in her crate for hours at a time, so he could talk on the phone w/OW5. We’d had her for 3 weeks before he foisted her off on me. After leaving him, he dognapped her, solely to punish me. I told him he was hurting her to get even me. He says dog doesn’t love me that much, anyway. :/ Fucktard neglected the pet he wanted so badly, and he wanted to keep mine? Nope. FTG. ALWAYS about him.
Mine was pissed when I told him to leave the key for my car that I had brought into the marriage. He had rented a place well off the bus route so he obviously intended to use the car. About a week later he messages me to say that he is trying to build a house for the children and me and I want back my car. No pity from me did he get. I was trying to build a family with him but he was shitting on it… Telling me about a house. FACK the house!
This entitlement its too much. When my ex fuctard announced he was over the marriage out of the blue he came back a week later to take furniture and was affronted that I wouldn’t let him take my grandparents antique table because ‘ it would fit in his apartment better ‘ . can’t make it up . I was in total shock but still managed to tell him to fuck off.
During wreckonciliation, cheater installed a keypad lock for the front door, told me we had to change all of our phone numbers immediately, said OW had a gun, and claimed she had lured him back the first time with a false pregnancy. I was thrilled to hear him say,”I’m so glad you took me back and saved me from the trap,”
This drama seemed completely crazy to me so I thought he meant that he was glad he had escaped from a truly crazy woman and that we were going to be okay now. I also believed many other lies and that it was all over.
Imagine my surprise at yet another DDay, and he is still with HER. I simply could not understand this at all. Well, when I kicked him out, he moved right in with her, and now his family tells me they are madly in love.
Who’s crazy? Him? Her? No, me for believing he was somehow victimized by her and I had saved him.
In reality, she was not the first affair, she was just the one disordered enough that she would take him in, and he never cared enough about his family to stop his deliberately dishonest behavior. Who knows how many lies he told to me and other women? I know he’s not telling them to me anymore and that’s what matters.
Hahahaha — my ex put in a keypad lock in his new house. I’m guessing so my kids wouldn’t have keys, which means if they had keys I’d have access to his house? Sorry. But I have no desire or need to go into that ghetto of a house. The only time I have been to the ghetto was to drop one of my kids off or if they needed to run into the slum house in order to get something. I’ve never gone there by myself. He’s a delusional narc who thinks I’m stalking him I guess and wants to get into his house? I have no fucking clue! Next up I guess is a moat with alligators and a drawbridge access to his lordships humble abode.
You’re singing my song, Martha. X has the nastiest hole of a house ever (I escaped from that Hoarders paradise) and he found himself a ghetto chick to live there with him. May they live happily ever after!
Hoarders Paradise. LOL! 🙂
I can totally relate Martha! Ex installed keypad entry and cameras at the front door of our marital home where he still lives. Primary reason appeared to be so that he can watch comings and goings from his phone…. particularly me as I drop off or pick up our son. Creepy. I have no desire to re-enter the house of ill repute.
The X and his whore did this. Lights, camera action! Really is it to watch coming and goings or to keep check on each other because you know there is that thing called trust that is important in a relationship which my guess is neither one trust each other since they both cheated numerous times.
Probably to keep track of each other, hey? That’s so strange. There is absolutely no way these cheaters can ever fully trust each other. Never ever!
That is creepy, Dee. Like you are being filmed as if he thinks you are going to do something illegal.
A couple of weeks after I finally squeezed out the truth about my ex and OW (my son’s school music teacher) he actually confided to me “poor OW is having a hard time at school, the parents are giving her cold stares”. Unbelievable – a teacher has an affair with a married parent, resulting in a divorce, gets to keep her job, but has the gall to complain about a few glares.
Oh, Vastra. I just had to share. My STBX and his married OW were both teachers in the same school…..where my children attended. They were fucking in a pink tiled bathroom (daily) in the teacher’s lounge….all while I was working and taking care of our kids. Same for her poor unsuspecting spouse. If I didn’t need the financial support from STBX, I would hang them both so high. Think about it….teachers fucking in an elementary school with kids still in the building. Oh, and this crazy bitch made her way into my child’s classroom to question my child about her “mommy and daddy’s” whereabouts on the weekends. Disgusting. If your ex has no ties to the school, I say go for the jugular!
Questioning your child? Oh hell no. Nope, nope, nope. I would have f’ed her up after that.
I hope they both got sacked Onward Chump, and how dare she ask your child those questions.!.. I held back on a complaint at the time as I was negotiating our settlement and he was agreeing to everything I asked. By the time gold-digger found out and exploded, it was too late, so that was better revenge. The local cello teaching community and her church friends also heard about it quickly so her reputation is trash wherever she goes.
I kicked ShiTBoX out on D-Day. He stayed with friends, but apparently having to ring the door bell to get people to let him in (as opposed to having his own key), was becoming “intolerable”.
still gobsmacked.
There have been a few, one of the most ridiculous statements from Cheater was, “you never loved me.”
Poor guy.., how did he know? Was it when I stayed married to him when he didn’t have a job for over three years? or maybe it was when I sacrificed my career and moved across the country, away from my family and friends. Living miles away from civilization with a toddler while he traveled the world?
Satan told me just recently after his failed attempted suicide in Oct (i know, i had a weak moment and called him).. .. that he was having the same problem with his girlfriend (who is still married) that he had with me.. .. . when i asked what that was he said “she doesnt believe that i love her either” and i was gob smacked.. .. so i repeated the vital information (to me) i said “you love her” he got all flustered, started stuttering (which is always a good sign he is lying) and said “just like i loved you.. .. but she doesnt believe me either just like you did not believe me”
and he almost had me again with that.. .. . because i almost fell for the “poor me” story, i almost believed that he did love me and it was me who just did not see it.. …
only that is NOT how it happened.. .. i actually DID BELIEVE he loved me and that was why i was so confused as to why he was doing this to me and his kids… ..
nice try but not today satan.
Mine said the same. Also said he can’t believe he chose me. I wanted to laugh to his face. He treated the relationship like shit and seems surprised that I am distrustful and disgusted. I own my humaness. God may forgive him but I won’t.
The day after DDay I was sobbing in our kitchen and I looked at him straight in the eyes; response to my “do you understand how completely devastated I am”? I got: I do know because I suffered the same: every day, coming home, pretending everything was fine and that I was (deep sob) happy..it was so painful.
I was so shocked that I actually stopped crying.
Barf!
Just barf!
Yes same . I got ….’ I’ve done all my crying already ‘ ( in the years he apparently had all his sadness but failed to mention it to me. ) however he did say he was going to miss my cooking which cheered me up no end .
Makes me want to say…How about a ‘last supper’ fucker?
I’m so glad you’ll miss my pot roast after devoting half my life to you you FUCK HEAD! ?
Well, you know, people only cry to manipulate other people, sayeth the Holy Narcissist.
Gr.
People only cry to manipulate; CLASSIC PROJECTION. THEY only cry to manipulate, so they assume it’s the same about everybody.
Although my ex did cry a few times quite genuinely, about how badly HIS life was going after he fucked me and the kids over royally.
I got those too! I was told people only cry to get what they want (that was a LONG time ago though YEARS before this drama) Also that he wasn’t happy for SO LONG but he couldn’t say anything because he didn’t want to hurt me. My response was to scream in his face, “So you thought that by FUCKING SOME WHORE that would make it better?! DESTROYING my life and making me FUCKED UP FOREVER was better than saying you weren’t happy or things needed to change? Or ANYTHING other than fucking a whore?!”
That got quite a look. Like maybe whore fucking ISN’T the answer.
I also got that I didn’t love him because I didn’t initiate sex enough. We had sex when he initiated it but it was all a job to me and that proved I didn’t love him. All the shit I did for ten years and the 1,000 times a day I told him I loved him wasn’t love. But that fucking whore saying “I love you” then opening her fucking whore hole to him WAS love. ESPECIALLY when she was trying to “help him with his marriage” by initiating a divorce from her own husband and then telling mine “I love you.” THAT’S how a “friend” “helps” with someone else’s “marital problems”. Well no wonder I’ve never helped anyone’s marriage get back on track.
I also got I feel like I’ve changed since then. And not in a good personal growth way. In a fucked up forever, don’t know who I am or what to believe type way. So, telling yourself your wife was like a buddy or a family member and that it was NBD to fuck a lying whore and ruining your life and your wife’s life WASN’T a big personal growth experience? It made you feel BAD?! Like you are a BAD PERSON?!
I also got I’m so fucked up becsuse I feel like it’s all lies. I was SURE you didn’t love me like THAT. Like a wife loves her husband. I thought it was just like friends. Or companionship. Or family. (Because love for your husband doesn’t include all of those types of love too?!) I don’t know what love is anymore! I’m so confused! Well I can say fucking secret texting with a WHORE that says “I love you.” And basically tries to steal away a married man to be the next daddy for her illegitimate child with someone else ISN’T love. Especially after 4 months of texting and not actually being IN A RELATIONSHIP. ?
The latest is he’s tired of the drama and that he wishes he didn’t feel sick to his stomach every time he thought of the future and that he wishes he could forget about all of this or go back to before he ever met her. BUT right after d-day he said I was boring. And that our life was boring. And he was unhappy. And that he needed a change. NOW I guess I’m NOT boring and that change had NOTHING to do with me. Hmmm like maybe it seemed SO FUN to get the kibbles but once you realized you’ve RUINED yourself and me for your own selfishness, kibbles weren’t worth it?! Maybe instead of blaming me for your “unhappiness” you should have looked at yourself?!
i lived everything you just said.. .. they purposely twist anything you say. they purposely talk in double speak just to confuse you.
that last 9 months of our marriage.. .. .. my ex was staying out all weekend every weekend. out drinking and God knows what. not answering my calls or texts. letting me sit up all night worried and wondering about him. i would even call the hospitals and police stations a couple of times.. . thinking he was in an accident or got pulled over.. .. but nope. he was just ignoring me. probably feeling oh so special that i was scared for him.. .. ..
he also stopped paying the bills. and there i as struggling to pay the water, elec. gas and house payment plus buy food because he was telling me his paychecks were only 200 a week.. .. (and if that is not love then nothing is) .. ended up he was getting paid 550 a week and just did not want to give me money or help me pay the bills or feed his children… ..i STILL have no idea what he spent all that money on for all that time
he started hiding shit, and sneaking around. lying and stealing from me (stole my 40 one night because he got in an argument over a boxing fight.. … he did not even bet or watch boxing!!!!).. things started disappearing from my house and yard (he stole my scoop hood off my truck that i had before our marriage, he took my rear end off my other truck, he stole my rims etc)
but after i filed for divorce he started telling me IT IS MY FAULT and how i wasnt treating HIM right.. .. i wasnt the one cheating, lying, stealing, hiding, and not coming home.. .. but right. i wasnt treating HIM right… .
one of the last things he said that really messed me up was “YOU GOT BORING MRS VAIN”.. .. ..
let me say that he was doing all this that last year and more. and stupid me kept trying to TALK to him. to FIX it and to understand what HE WAS going thru.. .. i also was doing all this while grieving my 25 years first born daughters death the year before from an aorta ansuersym .. …
it took me over a year to stop blaming myself.. .. (18 months actually) and then another year to focus on healing myself.. .. it does get better
What a rough road for you and your family, Mrs. Vain! I wish you much well-deserved peace and happiness.
It’s crazy making: they hurt you, but suddenly you’re Mean and Butter for reacting to their bs. Unreal!
These jerks are so heartless. Here you are sobbing on the floor and it’s still about him.
I was sobbing on the bedroom floor and he walks in as he wanted to ask me something. He saw me sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. What does he do? He walks right back out of the room. And this is supposedly a good Christian man LOL. What a big joke!
Mine was also a “Christian”. When I found out he had been with many women during our 33 year marriage, I , at one point, asked him how he felt God would react to this (or something along that line). He said “This has nothing to do with God”. So, his so-called faith was not a factor in any of the decisions he made.
Another stupid thing he did after we separated – also reported by others – he ended up living with a succession of women and I guess he really liked one of them because he bought her a house. Well, when she dumped him he was devastated. We were still speaking way back then and he called me and wanted my support as he handled this horrible situation. It wasn’t long after that I finally set boundaries and went no contact. But, it is unbelievable that he had absolutely no idea that he had done worse to me and that I had feelings. Yes, they are all the same. They are the only ones who feel and their deserted spouse and children are nothing to them.
It’s frightening how they can completely ignore that you have feelings when they are trying to get what they want. I know CL says to stay away from the skein but as a real fix it magic fairy I LIKE to know WTF happened. I’m one of those people. I want to know everything there is to know. So I went on a skein untangling mission and after many many many many conversations about how this all made me feel STBX seems to realize that I am a human being and I have feelings. I don’t believe that he didn’t know about this all along because he seems to have been a functional human before this but something in them changes once they get that magical golden kibble and they turn into scary robots. It’s like he had NO IDEA how terrible I felt. I don’t know if it’s real but he has been saying to me that he understands how hurt I could be. He’s probably just like a parrot. Saying what he hears to get a good boy cracker of the evil wife not screaming in his face non-stop ?
Sad Shelby, don’t worry, he’ll soon forget all about this moment of insight. My ex had several of those over the years, about me and the kids, but it never lasted more than a few weeks. Unfortunately, those flashes of understanding just fed my feeling that if I could just somehow find the right words to explain it to him, he’d somehow ‘get it’ and start behaving differently.
Remember Bancroft’s and Simon’s explanation; it’s not that they don’t understand. It’s that they don’t CARE.
Yep! As someone who can feel people’s pain or show empathy towards them, this disorder is so foreign to me. Years ago, I would be upset or crying about something, most likely not related to my ex. He’d “make a joke” in order to cheer me up? It was so inappropriate. I eventually stopped sharing stuff with him, because it just didn’t seem like he cared by his weird reactions to my sadness or anger.
I had something similar. I was sobbing on the kitchen floor after an argument. He comes in, steps right over me, retrieves something from the kitchen cupboard, steps over me again and leaves the room. So cold.
My shame is that this was early on in our relationship and still I stayed.
Off the crazy train, give yourself a break. Don’t be ashamed. We didn’t know what or who we were dealing with. I put up with a lot of crap even before we got married. I stayed too. I probably would have stayed forever, because of the trauma bonding and the love bombing, devalue discard stages that went on for our entire relationship. Now you know better so you’ll do better. (((HUGS))) to you. There’s nothing to be ashamed about.
Thank you Martha
Ugh they’re all such assholes. Mine told me he waited so long to tell me he wasn’t in love with me anymore because he was afraid of my reaction. He had assumed I would be sobbing uncontrollably in front of him when he told me and then went “and see? Here you are doing exactly that. I was right.”
Mine said the same thing. In what universe would someone ever take that news well?
He also told me at one of my favorite restaurants while we were out on a “date.” Because he was afraid I would upset the kids.
Ugh! At one of your favorite restaurants on a date?!
My ex took me out on a date to see a movie when I thought we were working on our marriage. He already decided he wanted a divorce, but was lying to my face as usual. What movie did he take me to? “This is where I Leave You.” A movie about a guy who gets cheated on and his wife leaves him! You can’t make this shit up!!!
I bought a copy of the movie and left it in the movie drawer WHEN I LEFT HIM!
We never made it to the movie. I left him at the restaurant.
Love that you bought the movie! And that you left him!!!
They. Are. So. Twisted.
Good for you for leaving the restaurant, louisvilleflower!
In all honesty, I didn’t want the divorce. I didn’t want to leave him. I wanted to keep our family intact. My kids were as blind-sided as I was. 🙁
But I couldn’t live in that home with him any longer. It was so toxic when he was around. If he only would have left when I asked him, but he refused because of “his rights.”
I’ve had over two years to think about our life together. In the beginning of my thinking, my memories were all the good times together as a couple and as a family. There were so many good times. But after what I witnessed with him being a fake and twisted person who could kissed me passionately in the morning and tell me he loved me. To him telling me seven hours later that he wanted a divorce. And all the times he pretended to be working on our marriage. The passionate kiss in front of family on Thanksgiving Day where is aunt said, “Get a room!” So much other stuff. It makes me realize it was all an act the entire time. And he not only does this with me, but he does this with everyone else. He’s incapable of loving someone. Just totally incapable. Our son being born was all about him. He downplayed anything to do with me. He constantly wanted me to take pictures of him with our son. He lapped up the attention of his mommy when she said, “Oh, you look so tired!” Yeah, I was the one who actually did the work, but I was brushed off, but her baby boy was just so tired for being up all night. Poor baby. lol. I can constantly now see why he turned into a narc!
So, I didn’t want the divorce, but I’m happy to be free of him and all his lies and cheating. And his family who think they are perfect Christians, but they lie. Break a lot of the Commandments. Gossip about each other behind my back. Constantly made me feel like my only purpose was to serve them and listen to them. Little do they know that my ex has talked shit about all of them. He acts like the good son and nephew with everyone. I was fooled for 20+ years and I lived with the monster and didn’t see it until I FINALLLY SAW IT. They’ll never see it. It’s easier for them to put the blame on me instead of believing the truth about Mr. Perfect and Special. I’m thankful for the divorce. It’s freed me up to not be a slave/wife. It’s freed me up to pursue my own goals, as scary as it is to do so. I no longer have a liar and cheater in my life. THAT IS A TRUE BLESSING!
ASS
I got “you love me but I only like you, who do you think had to work harder in this relationship?”
OMG. There are no words, UNM.
UNM – I don’t know how you didn’t just go insane on him at that statement. OMG! What a f’ing asshole!
I think delusional fits everything to a t.
Unicornomore, what an asshole!
I got from my Mindfucker, “I worked hard on our marriage BY GOING TO WORK.” Yes, work as in his job. So when he was at work, he’d spend a good portion of his day walking around the company and flirting it up with all the company ho-workers. And since he wasted time at work filling up his bottomless pit for attention and admiration — he’d work for three hours after dinner and pretty much ignore me and the kids each night. That’s how hard he worked on our marriage. He’s delusional.
This! STBX worked “so hard for our family!” As soon as we moved here and he started his job, he built time into his schedule for cheating. Dude, fucking other people isn’t “work” unless you are a sex worker or porn star…
“Fucking other people isn’t work unless you are a sex worker or porn star.” LOL. So true!
On D Day, my sad sausage wanted me to sympathize with his Schmoopie because “she will. be grieving the loss of the relationship if you say we can’t see each other anymore.” (Schmoopie was a close friend to our family – well known to me and my children.) WTF?!?
When I confronted Schmoopie, she was sitting on a kitchen chair. She curled her body best she could into the fetal position and stared at her feet while I let her have it. In the end, she had nothing to say for herself except, “I don’t know what to say. I didn’t intend to hurt you.” Later, Ex said I shouldn’t expect any apology from her. “She’s hurting too, and she doesn’t know what to say in these types of situations.” Seriously?!? All I could think was – so how often does she find herself in ‘these types of situations’? Yep. Can’t make this shit up.
Saddam cried because “it hurts me so bad to know I’m hurting her”. Notice, he wasn’t upset that his OW was in pain, but only because he was in pain. Maybe, he’s so fucked up I think this was him trying to get me to say it was OK for them to “be friends” given what else he said that particular time. Assholes.
“so how often does she find herself in ‘these types of situations’? ” That was my first thought too when I read what you wrote.
Nope. Can’t make this stuff up. So freaking disordered.
Ha 2 days ago was truly a meh moment for me. My now “EX” can easily say that ha. Came to me saying she was having a bad day, after two years of mind fuckery, I had heard it all, luckily my intuition is pretty good , and my chump zone is weak . She tried telling me she was having a mental breakdown and how she should go to the hospital. I said ok , well that’s no good, how about I look after the children and feed them and make sure they are ok. I threw her the car keys and said maybe you should call AP, or sister or your mum. My first concern are for the children. Well didn’t that go down well , she called me everything under the sun, as usual I stayed calm, I refuse to argue in front of the children or at all. Fortunately for me I’m loyal , and you can’t buy that. Anyways turns out she’s breaking up with the AP partner, and that my fellow chumps is not only none of my business , but zero of my concern. Might be a bit of Karma ha:-).
Omg! I got the whole “I think I’m having a breakdown” thing, too! He says he thinks he needs to check himself in for a 72-hour stay. I said, “well – tell them I said hi! And say goodbye to your phone and belt for three days,” – next time he pulls his ‘I’m suicidal’ crap, I’ll offer to send the cops. That ought to snap him out of it.
Mine told me he thought about suicide but that it would mean I wouldn’t get life insurance. I said “concern for me hasn’t stopped you from doing anything so far – do what you gotta do…”
My STBX mentioned seriously thinking about suicide (not induced by my filing for divorce as he filed) but decided not to do it because one day he looked in the mirror and told himself, ‘How could you kill this beautiful person (himself)?’ And he says that I am the disordered one.
Geez, that takes the cake… He even throws kibbles to himself!!!
????
Louisvilleflower, lol! Yeah, do what you must! I’m used to it!!
This idiot has tried to get sympathy from both me and our daughter. When he kept trying to get me to Pick Me Dance (and I would still try to tango and trot for him), I would mention that I was very hurt and he would say, “Either way, I get hurt,” — are you kidding me? Then wanted praise as he confided that his longtime online AP had turned to Christ “because of him” —-are you freaking Kidding me????
Then, during a breakup not too long ago with Smoochie (short -lived because he reigned her back in with his suicidal sad-sausageness) he had the gall to reach out not only to our daughter -but to me!! Yes, me! And ask me to “pray for him”. Are you Freaking Kidding Me Right Now?? That’s what went through my mind, but I meh’d out and scurried further away from his crazy. I want to vomit right now just reminiscing.
I’d pray for him. Just not the prayers he thinks I’d be praying…
Freak memories, right? The ex also wanted praise as he had miraculously broken the affair off right before I caught him because he knew in his heart it was the right thing to do and he did tell her that he was a Christian and that what they were doing was wrong and she was raised in atheist Russia and so needed to know this and so he was a hero, right? Then he was all so, so sad that I didn’t see how wonderful and sacrificial he’d been. Then he said how hard it had been at work (she was a subordinate) because his boss was looking askance at him.
He too, suggested that this was so devastating to him that he was maybe, probably thinking about killling himself so he took his guns out of storage and put the cases next to the television so I would see them. I left and went to a womens’ shelter.
So glad to be free. Life is so amazing and peaceful when the disordered aren’t around.
Wow! The crazy was strong with this one…..Glad you are safe!
You did the smart thing going to a women’s shelter.
“suicidal sad-sausageness” — lol. Someone needs to make a meme or cartoon out of this one! 🙂
Don’t you love how they bring Christ and God into it? Someday I’m going to submit the Divorce Letter to the UBT and maybe CL would think it would be worthy deciphering it. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but however her phrased it, he made it sound like his “healthy female friends” were just women he was just trying to lead to Christ. I kid you not! Once again, you can’t make this shit up!
That makes me SO SICK! I’m not a big religious believer. And I think TERRIBLE SHIT HAPPENS whether you deserve it or not. BUT using God or religion to justify what you’ve done is SICK! It’s so wrong! “God will forgive me.” That’s GREAT for you. God will forgive you if you are repentant, BUT God isn’t into you just doing whatever the fuck you feel like then going “It’s okay. I get a free pass. Homie JC is on my side. It’s cool. I’m forgiven.” God forgives is NOT a justification for ruining people’s lives!
Amen, sister!
Exactly! If you follow God, be an example. And he’s far from repentant!
Exactly, Martha!! Where does it say in the Bible that Christ asked his Disciples to seduce followers and convert them with adultery? It’s a skein I won’t touch with a ten foot pole! I laugh but it’s serious. They really don’t fear God or (wo)men, but The Day will come.
I’ll pray for him… To stop being a douchebag who leaves destruction in his wake and stop making the world a crappier place just by being in it.
Amen
That is my prayer too. Jeez.
She also wanted sympathy for how much it pained her to give him up while we worked on our marriage (she didn’t really give him up or work on the marriage). “Because he’s so wonderful.”
Yeah, wonderful not wonderful.
Yep, got that too. He even wrote in the MC exercise during wreckconciliation that the number one thing I did that upset him was: “calls OW whore”. WTF.
Yeah, the cheater defending/praising the AP in reconciliation marital counseling. Should be a HUGE RED FLAG that prompts every counselor to tell the chump there’s nothing to work with. Like counseling someone at Weight Watchers who won’t take the jelly donut out of their mouth when they talk about their weight loss goals.
Um, true, this. But I didn’t understand at the time. Penultimate sesh w me saw my Mistake describing Whore. I know he looked a bit dreamy and, referred to her as “bubbly” (when I demanded to know what the big appeal had been).
Counselor dismissed us next sesh, saying he couldn’t help us. We never have ven made it past the 3 month mark.
I didn’t understand.
I do now.
Dat, I told my Ex that I call ’em like I see ‘me and if it walks like a whore, talks like a whore and screws my husband like a whore…….well then, Captain Obvious! It must be a whore!!
Hahaha!! I called AP “dumb cunt.” I love to curse but hate that word. It popped out of my mouth right away. I think I kept using it because it made him cringe.
I still refer to “it” as scumbalina, cunt, slut,slunt, cuntzilla and now “whorenoccio” which I borrow from a fellow chump.?
Also “the criminal”
The Ex is, petet pan, Judas, ass, do over dad…
Grandpadaddy….
To be continued…..
Hard to choose really:
–after the first dday when we wreckonciled and I told him he couldn’t ever speak to her or see her again and he said “but she’s my friend!”
–after the second dday when he was going between her place and ours after the separation and still grabbing my boobs hugging and kissing me and was upset when my counselor said it was sexual abuse so I shut that shit down, he raged about that
–after that he spent 2 nights sleeping in our camper trailer in the barn telling my daughter I made him(no I didn’t)
–when he came home for Christmas day(yes I’m chumpy) after moving in with her and we were all unhappy, and he gave our daughter a jar of olives for Christmas (funny not funny) he walked out sending me a text”I know when I’m not welcome” Poor sad sausage…
–now he has signed the separation agreement and I’m a bitch for holding his money(I’m not) because he has done none of his requirements to fulfil his part of the agreement. Poor baby…. his life is just so difficult..
My STBX blames me for lack of bifurcation he requested (and everything else he thinks is wrong with the world) although he was the one who incorrectly filled in the paperwork for the bifurcated divorce. My legal team even told him before deadline to submit the request that he had incorrectly filled it in.
My XH was caught wailing in the initial stages ” who is going to want me after what I have done” boooooooooohooooooooo sniffle sniffle sniffle etc. etc.
This gradually changed to a wail about how he was so upset because although ” I could forgive him for his cheating and shitty behaviour ………….he couldn’t forgive himself ” …………….boo frickity hoo – they don’t give a flying fuck about anyone other than themselves.
I also got a lame “that’s not fair, I DO understand what it feels like to end a relationship – it’s hurting me too!!!!!!obviously not as much as you feel or from your perspective but I do understand ” WaaaaaaAAAAA
When he tried to explain how wonderful OW was, he said that he felt really bad for her because
“she was cheated on”…..yea.
Over and over throughout our life together, whenever his stress caused him to act like a giant asshole, it was brought up (by him and his parents) that he never got over being cut from the basketball team in High School. (he was nearly 50 the last time I heard that one).
LOL. Mine still carts around this little 8 inch plastic tennis trophy from 9th grade. All hail the mighty tennis pro. Bunch of Peter Pans who can’t get past high school memories, good or bad.
OMG! Mine too! When he walked out he didn’t take the $250 worth of diabetes testing supplies I just paid for. Nope, he took the coronet he played in high school – 45 years ago – and hasn’t touched since. And all his little car club trophies he won 35 years ago.
That was one of my pet peeves with him – he’d never look forward, always looked at the past. Same clothes (I resorted to stealing them from the laundry and throwing them out), same music, would watch the same episodes of the same TV shows repeatedly, same movies on DVD – repeatedly – same restaurants, same meals. Never anything new. Drove me nuts!
I think we are all divorcing the same man-baby.
Okay, this sub-thread is totally spot on and side-splitting funny. Ex kept all his participation trophies from pine derby in Scouts. Totally non-emotional about children being born or family getting married–never saw a family photo he liked–but those trophies!–height of his success and feeling connected I guess. Hard to top that.
That’s so funny! I didn’t keep any of that stuff. X even saved bike racing trophies I got over the years. I trashed them after she moved out. High school glory is so so sad!
Mine wouldn’t come get his Boy Scout badges. Trash. Suddenly wanted them months later. Gone.
Hahahahaha! So spot on. Mine had a trophy shrine in our basement of his “accomplishments”. My personal fav was a “mma champion” belt. I use the term loosely as he was fighting local drunks. ‘Twas not a UFC type venture. Big fish, super small pond kind of thing. Best part is, I later found an email with one of the OW about how he was “probably gonna go pro this summer”. That was 2 days before our first son was born. He’s so cool haha just ask him!
King shit on turd island…every one of them!
OMG!! I also got the “she needed a shoulder to cry on because she was going through a horrible divorce…..her husband CHEATED on her”
So she decided to fuck a married man to make her feel better. Of course THAT was different.
That one fucking killed me too. The whoremat’s husband ALSO cheated on her. And she walked in on it happening. Because if that had ACTUALLY happened to her she wouldn’t be so fucking BROKEN and DEVASTATED that she’d think it was okay to do to someone else?!
She told my STBX that he was the nicest person she’d ever met. And her mother always told her to do anything she could to keep a good man around. And then she fucked him and now he’s a lying broken piece of shit just like her and all her exes. Thank God she got “one of the good ones”. And somehow he can’t see that SHE helped ruin him to get what she wanted. I’m fucked but she was going through a hard time.
Hah! Since I was taught to ice skate on actual ice, I should be a serial killer. This thread is hilarious.
So true Nic! What crap in our lives could we justify using cheater logic or excuses? I think those extra pounds I’m carrying are because I learned to skate on real ice too! Calories are just an invention of some big meanie who doesn’t want me to live my life to maximize my happiness. See how that works? I’m free to order more dessert now.
Well my XH and his brother ( on his 3rd wife, serial cheater, wife must have clean house by time he gets in from work, tins lined up in cupboards etc.) both have gone crying to a shrink about how their parents traumatised them because they made them both learn to roller skate on the patterned carpet at home rather than the street/ pavement in case they hurt themselves. This event came up again and again over the years and was cited in his brother’s affair marraige breakup drama and my XH’s low self esteem = his justification for fucking other women.
So that 1970s rollerskating trauma resulted in two brothers fucking their way out of 4 marriages between them and attending a shrink in their 30s claiming they were never really loved.