Happy late pride.
I have been reading your website for a while. It really helped me get through a lot of grief I felt, but I have made a decision to file for a divorce no matter what. I am still currently stuck in a same sex marriage due to a seriously lousy ex-wife (Satan). We were together 10 years and in those years she was given nothing but the best, though we did have some tough times with jobs, etc. 19-year-old me met her and saw the love of my life, she was 8 years older than me and very much a proper adult. Sometimes I think back and wonder how a 27-year-old found a teenager attractive! Was this a red flag?
Anyhow, she has had multiple “online affairs” and potentially a few in real life over the years. I found the kiss me type texts in her phone, which to this day she refuses to admit. (She hated kissing me and said I was clingy and too romantic.) She started and stopped these affairs over the years, promising to be better, but this was hopeless. The last straw was when she also cheated on me whilst I was going through IVF for the baby she now never wanted, as soon as I found out I stopped the IVF but did manage to freeze my embryos. The idea of me not having a baby and future is what hurt me most, she was not affected at all.
She mostly lives on her phone pretending to be single and exciting (catfish). Her excuse for all these affairs was the fact that she had to move from the East Asia to the UK and this caused her a lot of pain? Not sure what exactly this means as she can be very cruel to her own family abroad… Aside from the obvious of citizenship gains etc she now refuses to understand that we are over. I have said this multiple times and she has already seen the paperwork for our mortgage buyout and finances. She goes into full denial mode and says she will make my future hellish if I file for a divorce. Her idea is to never leave and slob around at home. Her excuse for not moving out is that no one will rent to her because of her pet cat. I cannot leave as I will be buying her out of the property.
Moving onto today. Guess what? She now wants us to go on a “holiday as friends” to Casablanca and go to spas together. Nothing in my daily life shows affection or love towards her, but I treat like a friend or sister. I am respectful and vice versa most of the time. Due to finances we are still living in our shared home, but not together romantically. I have separated my money.
Why is she suggesting holidays after this shitshow… I am scared that if I do not agree to this holiday I will be strung along and she will not sign divorce papers. I feel sick when I look at her, but I am also spooked by the power she holds over the embryos which are legally half hers… She does have crazy moments and she has tries to hit me in the past.
Please help me understand the sudden need for a holiday!!
Dear Casablanca Lez,
she now refuses to understand that we are over
She doesn’t have to understand it. It’s not open for discussion. Quit trying to achieve consensus with this wingnut.
I have said this multiple times
How’s that working for you? It’s not. Time to lawyer up hard and figure out what your legal options are in this hostage situation. Getting her to agree and play nice are NOT on the table. Cake works for her.
I am scared that if I do not agree to this holiday I will be strung along and she will not sign divorce papers.
She’s not going to sign the divorce papers because cake is working for her.
She has zero interest in doing the honorable thing because she’s not an honorable person. So stop expecting that goldfish to knit you a sweater. Your pain is kibbles, she thrills to the power trip.
People who thrill to power trips understand power — not your salty tears. She’ll understand eviction, divorce summons, restraining orders, the heavy boot of the law on her neck. She won’t LIKE it, (cue the three stages of mindfuckery — rage, self-pity, and charm), but these people have big streaks of self-preservation. Make the price of fucking with you HIGH.
I treat her like a friend or sister. I am respectful
That’s a very low price of admission for someone who cheated on you. And hit you. And continues to use you.
She is NOT your friend or your sister or deserving of your respect. She’s someone you used to know. Behave civilly but decisively.
Her: “Let’s go to Casablanca!”
You (internally): “Go fuck yourself.”
You (externally): “No. That’s not appropriate. We’re divorcing.”
And then TAKE ACTIONS to divorce her. No pandering, no pleas for consensus, no pick-me dancing, no relationship autopsies, no long talks, no spa days. Just stone cold decisiveness.
Get immediate help from a legal professional. While it would be nice to have an uncontested divorce in which everyone is reasonable and fair, YOU ARE NOT DEALING WITH THAT KIND OF PERSON. You cannot nice her into being that sort of person. This is why we have divorce professionals. They deal with these sorts of situations every day.
She goes into full denial mode and says she will make my future hellish if I file for a divorce.
Good lawyers eat people like her for breakfast.
Look, the hellishness goes both ways. You’re a loving partner who brings a lot to the table. She’s a loser with a cat no one will rent to. She needs you WAY more than you need her. Call her fucking bluff. It will be scary. It may be that a judge will decide the division of assets and who gets the embryos. I don’t know that particularly of your property situation, but I do know from personal, painful experience and that of a bazillion people on this blog, that pulling your punches never works.
The best way to get rid of one of these people is gather a support team and go on the offensive. Narcissists never expect it, because they’re so accustomed to their entitlement. So line up your ducks and serve those papers. She cannot force you to stay married to her.
I’d also advise you to not be alone with her, as she’s been violent in the past. She could accuse you of abuse (a sadly common DARVO tactic). People here have survived in-house separation, but I don’t recommend it. I don’t know how recent her abuse of you is, threats to make your future hellish count as abuse, hitting counts — look into a protection from abuse order and get her evicted with a temporary restraining order.
Yes, it’s come to that. Not hot mud massages in Morocco.
Of all the gin joints in all the towns in all the world, she had to walk into….
No, she doesn’t walk in, she gets thrown out. Stick up for yourself, Lez. We’re here for you.