The Cheater Work Ethic

HiHo“Gotta work late” is the oldest cheater excuse in the book. The lamest. The most worn. And a line nearly every chump falls for.

Because, God, it sounds so virtuous. Who are you to call them on their shit when they are busting their ass for their family working over time? Aside from the fact that so many affairs are with co-workers, working late is the perfect front for cheaters — work phone, work email the spouse cannot access, work trips partners don’t often go on. The workplace is the ideal place for secret kibble production. Best of all, “working late” fits the cheater image of a Very Important Person with Very Important Things to Do.

You don’t understand that? Well, I think you fail to appreciate how hard they are working! Gee, don’t you have the cushy life. Perhaps you are not working hard enough. I think you missed a few things here at home. Could you pick the place up more? That’s NOT the way you make stewed tomatoes. Why are we out of coffee? Jesus, can’t you see the cheater is working over time for YOU? Can’t you be more understanding and helpful? You’re very selfish.

The “I gotta work late” excuse is such a mindfuck precisely because cheaters cloak themselves in the mantle of exactly what they are not — a team player. Someone who is going above and beyond for others at work and at home. Meanwhile, the truth of the matter is that they’re out whoring around, partying, drinking, “hiking the Appalachian trail,” doing what cheaters do — indulging themselves at the expense of others.

Do they really believe that they’re such hard workers? I would imagine what little work they do manage to do feels very unfair to them, unless it brings about mounds of kibbles (ego, monetary, and otherwise). But no one sufficiently appreciates them, of course. Funny thing about cheaters and work ethics — their entitlement often slops over into their working life. No surprise that narcissists tend to make poor employees — they just don’t think the rules apply to them. And work tends to have a lot of rules. It’s not uncommon that these are the people who can’t advance in their jobs, whose contracts don’t get renewed, who have a lot of bosses who don’t like them, and they have a lot of sad stories about that. Jealous coworkers, supervisors who have it in for them, batshit crazy women making allegations about harassment. They try so hard. There are just a lot of idiots in the workplace.

Then there are a whole host of cheaters who don’t work at all, or are under-employed, quite content to let the chump do all the heavy lifting of adult life. These people tend to overvalue their contribution to the marital home (“I shook something out of a bag and called it dinner — what’s your problem?”) and undervalue yours.

When D-Day hit, I found a certain amount of relief — oh, so THAT’s where you were! One of the great advantage of escaping a cheater is the peace that comes from not relying on these jerks. You’ll feel a burden has been lifted, because you realize quite quickly how much work you were doing to keep their chaotic, uninvested life whole. Direct that energy towards yourself. Let Mr/s Cheaterpants find a new personal assistant.

This column ran previously. Feel free to comment!

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startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago

I could never figure out how my cheater developed an affair with the french teacher? He’s the math teacher. He was always home when he said, I knew how long it took. He’s was with his family on weekends etc. There was no discrepancy in time. No warning. No red flags. After d-day I started to snoop and there it was, emails to her, sex sites and a whole host of other things. But he was good at hiding it. Or I was too trusting. Whatever.

justchumped
justchumped
8 years ago

Oh Startof, this is so much like my story. My husband and his Gloryhole are both elementary school teachers. He could carried on his affair and still made it home well before 5pm. He had us all thinking that he was grading papers and prepping lesson plans….while I was working part-time, busing our kids, taking them to their extracurriculars, helping with homework, running errands for all of us, cleaning the house, dr appointments and on and on. How did he manage this without a huge time discrepancy? Right after the bell rang, these two dirtbags would sneak on up to the bathroom in the teacher’s lounge, lock the door, and proceed to fuck, lick, and suck each other’s brains out….sans protection too!. Then, he’d come home and kiss my kids with that nasty mouth. The fucker!!!

startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago
Reply to  justchumped

OMG!!! Disgusting. I can only imagine what went on that I didn’t know about. The sad thing is that these freaks work with children!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  justchumped

Please tell me you reported those two nasty whores, just chumped. Fucking on taxpayer time/property/money. Disgusting.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

Mine, too, Startof. No red flags; he’s a professor and had ample time outside his 6 hours of teaching every week to chat up and seduce students, and to meet his fuckbuddies from adult websites for some afternoon delight, then come home and have dinner with me & the kids.

Red
Red
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My cheater is also a professor who always worked ridiculously late hours while all his colleagues went home for dinner with their families. When I asked him why that was, his response was always, “My work is more important than theirs. It requires more time and effort.” Um-hmm.

These days, he often leaves before 5pm – a “half day” compared to what he used to do. He was also demoted from director of a big university outreach program to “contributing professor.” I spent 25 years getting him to Associate Professor and now his career is over. He’ll never make full professor, because the woman he’s married to now (not OW) thinks she struck gold with him “as is” and will never challenge him to do more. So, he won’t. He’s lazy like that.

Meanwhile, he’s going to have a hissy fit one day when he learns that several Ivy League schools have invited D18 to apply based on her SAT scores. He always likes to think of himself as the smartest one in the room, but he’s being eclipsed by his own kids. I haven’t bothered to tell him, because he’ll turn it around to be all about HIM, about how his DNA is so fabulous, of course the best of the best would want his progeny. Nope. I’m going to keep it to myself for now, because it’s not about him, it’s about her.

Sad that I can’t share moments like that with her own father…

Mommy Chump
Mommy Chump
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My narc X is a professor and so am I!!!!! Yes, it is the perfect job for a NPD. All your comments describe my situation. He had plenty of time to screw around all day and be home in time for dinner.

Chumpita
Chumpita
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, mine is a professor too and all his OWs come from a “work group” he created with his first OW colleague. They present papers on Fridays once a month, and then go out to have a beer or dance. He would never come back home before 2 am when he had those presentations. I would stay at home with kids even though I am a professor too and could have participated in those events. Or he would invite his colleagues and students home to “work” so he could be closer to his family. Or he would work late on his computer because he was needed to finish an article or book or conference paper (now I know he was Skyping sex with his OW and watching porn).

I was always uncomfortable with having our home full of so many people I didn´t know, and having them know everything about our daily life.I figured out later that the women colleagues and students wanted him to replace me with them, so they could have my life because we shared work interest, travel, books, etc. I am so glad they have him now—they can share them with each other, for all I care- He got all the books, but also all the debt from the divorce and I kept our fabulous apartment that they all wanted to live in…There are so many professor-cheaters, because it is an ideal profession for a narc (no real bosses, lots of people to admire you permanently, conference travel). When I was married, however, it never occurred to me to flirt with my colleagues or have a conference- affair when I travelled. Now that I am divorced and feel single again, I notice how easy it is, because I sent out a completely different message (I am single-available). Now I understand that that was the message my cheater-ex ALWAYS sent out…No wonder…

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpita

Chumpita–I’m a professor, too, at the same university as my X. He conducted all his dalliances outside the house because our house is 15 miles outside the U. Only after the divorce did our friends start to reveal his overtly flirtatious behavior, the profession’s rumors about him at conferences, and details of the affair with grad-whore that I did not find out about for 8 years.

You’re right–ideal profession for cheater narcs, where they can receive lots of ego supply from adoring students and colleagues (and if they play their cards right, lots of blow jobs and horizontal dance lessons).

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

And I’ll bet every one of those little bitches thought they were the first student ever to bang their professor. He probably told them all how special they were and how mature for their age while they swooned and giggled. I picture them all smug around their friends –“I’ve got a seee-cret”. Shades of Tuesday’s post.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

I’ll bet you are right. The major grad-whore affair partner was a real doozy. She gave an ultimatum to now-X while they were at a conference in Mexico together to call and ask me for a divorce by phone (we had a 10 and 5 year old at the time), then STOOD IN THE ROOM to listen to the conversation. Bitch not only invaded my marriage, my family, but also what should have been a private moment. I had no idea he was having an affair when he asked for the divorce. Wish I’d known so I could have saved myself 8 years of hell. The one saving grace is that his narcissistic grad-whore got unceremoniously dumped herself a week later when he decided to return to the marriage.

Her response? 8 years later, she’s still painting herself a victim (true, I guess in terms of the power differential), and I recently found out she had tried to seduce ANOTHER married professor 5 months after getting dumped. Trying to marry her way to the top, perhaps?

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

hood rat is ALWAYS in the room with Diablo when he calls me. i can hear her whispering in the back ground telling him what to say. it is frustrating as hell. but apparently that is the kind of woman he wants and that is NOT the kind of woman i was or am.

now it just pisses me off that this home wrecker thinks she has any right to decide what happens with MY children. i no longer care what she does with diablo. that was his choice. but my boys are off limits when it comes to her. he let her make all the decisions for him, well, now he hasnt seen or talked to his boys in 6 months. his mistake. not mine. i see my kids everyday.

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That’s why reconciliation is impossible. It’s not that you could never ever get past what they did, it’s that you can’t get past who they are.

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

And it’s really infuriating that they strip you of your dignity like that. You don’t even know you’re in the game and they make a fool out the one person they vowed never to harm.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

So true, Carmella. After D-day, when I lamented how he had made a fool of me in front of all our friends, his response was a contemptuous, “Get off the ‘public humiliation’ kick!”

And I wonders why I hate him.

chumpita
chumpita
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Wow…we must be twins separated at birth! But I am so lucky that my cheater is not at my same university even though I tried to get him to change for many years because the salary and the prestige is much better. Now I know why he rejected changing universities: I could never run into him and his APs or get direct rumors. What is crazy though is how borderline these cheaters are with harassment claims, because, as you say, if they play their cards right, they can get away with a lot. I have several professor female friends with ex cheater spouses who are professors who went through the same ordeal, and in one case, the cheater got a student pregnant at the same time his wife was pregnant. It is so unfortunate that this environment is so attractive to narcs because I loved having a partner who was brilliant and had the similar interests, and I could travel and participate in projects with and was not intimidated by my academic achievements (or maybe he was?). It is not easy, specially in Latin America (where I am located) to find male partners who can deal with a woman with a PhD AND not be a cheater.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago

Work is where X met me. Work is where X met his OWs while married to me. I used to wonder how many other OWs there would be if X actually had a career instead of working in-between his unemployment stints. Then I remember that I don’t care anymore.

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago

“Then I remember I don’t care anymore.” Aren’t we blessed to be there, Chutes? While I visit here daily for “ongoing maintenance/fortification,” I believe I may have reached meh. I could write a book about the ho-worker, his work travel, excessive overtime….but I just don’t care anymore. I even ignored his rage over a recent issue with our child (who is figuring old Dad out) to navigate the situation and arrive at what I felt was the best path forward for the kiddo. I remained calm (which he called smug). I could have NEVER done that a year ago.

My hope and prayer for everyone here is to get here too. Believe me, I still have my days, but they are very few (and exclusively related to my son, not the ex). I beat myself up regularly for how long it was taking me to get here. But, by God’s grace, I eventually got here and you will too (by whatever source of grace you subscribe to).

Chumps, We Got This!!!

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

MovingOn, how far out are you from D-Day? I’m 14 months and I’ve come a long way, but for some reason I’m having a really bad week. Thoughts of OW and the lies stbx is telling people and the injustice of it all are plaguing me. Sometimes it’s so hard to keep the faith.

startofsomethingood
startofsomethingood
8 years ago
Reply to  Carmella1722

Carm, hang in there. I get those momentary lapses. I’m 28 months post d day and 2.5 months divorced. It DOES get easier everyday. Even if you feel like your healing is at a crawl. You are mighty! And so much better without the cheater!!!

Carmella1722
Carmella1722
8 years ago

Thanks StartOf.

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Holy cow, I just read down-thread. There are lots of meh folks here – yahoo!! New chumps, take heart!!

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

I still have my moments, but they’re farther and farther apart now. And like you, movin_on, they are always because he continues to treat our kids like shit.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Nobody finds any of this shit at work, unless they are looking for it. Some people where I work come in looking like full on tramps. And acting like it too. But I really see surprisingly little inappropriate activity between co workers. Maybe they save it for lunch/after hours.

moaklis
moaklis
8 years ago

My ex was “working” all the time too, but we were broke. My brother told me (after my 3rd DDay) that he knew the whole time the X was cheating because how could he work so much and have nothing to show for it?

I was a chump. I worked hard, advanced in my career, tried to make sure bills were paid and we had a savings account, all while he made my job sound insignificant, verbally abused me and the kids and destroyed our self-esteem, constantly told us how he “worked his ass off for us” while the house, cars and life fell apart because he needed his f*** buddies more. The only good thing about him constantly “working” was, with him being gone all the time, the boys and I had joy and peace.

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  moaklis

Diablo was always working, or of course he was at a “friends” drinking because he needed to relax because he worked so hard. i used to have him deposit his pay check into our joint checking and i paid all the bills, vacations, clothes everything until he started telling everyone i took him check and never gave him any money. and he started his own checking account. i used to have him pay the utilities until they started getting shut off. i used to have him buy the groceries until he started complaining. he got me down to giving me 100 to 200 dollar a week in the end. i was too tired and messed up in the head to notice that i was paying for everything. he had a menial job getting paid 6.00 an hour so it wasnt like he was getting paid a hole lot anyway. he would tell me that he was only getting 200 a week. but then i found out he was getting 500 to 600 A WEEK with all the extra time. even when i questioned how could he make 200 a week when he worked 10 overtime hours and that was time and a half so should have gotten 90. just for overtime, he would say he didnt know, or they took it out for insurance or they didnt pay him. that worked for over a year (of course in my defense i was also working thru my grief of losing my oldest daughter so my head really wasnt on right). he would spend so much money and have nothing to show for it. he wasnt given me anything to help the household, even when i wrote all the bills down, and printed out both mine and his paychecks. he still didnt give me more money, he had bills to pay too. whatever

a year after the divorce, the crap weasel actually tried to tell me that he was working 6 JOBS for this (gesturing to the house and things in the yard)…. i was like 6 jobs? at the same time? really? of course the look on his face when he realized he was lying to the one person who knew better was priceless. so he came up with a weak, yes, all the side jobs i was doing at the time makes it 6 jobs. i just said well i didnt see a damn dime if you were working 6 jobs, it all went to yourself. which all he could do is shrug.

but i know that is the story he is telling everyone. how he worked 6 jobs to pay the bills and i STILL wasnt happy with him. how i treated him so bad even after he was working 6 jobs.

gag me. now he is not paying child support, and yep he has new clothes, new shoes, buys her clothes and shoes and phone bill and rent, takes her out to eat and out to visit family in other towns, staying in hotels, and has a new truck with a stereo system, new rims and tires. and has bought her a car too. meanwhile his children have holes in their shoes, holes in their pants (i sew them right away but it is hard to keep up with), we cant even afford to go to the movies or eat out. much less go on camping and over night hotel vacations the way we used to. we cant go out of town and my truck is on its last legs.

fucker.

chapterphoenix
chapterphoenix
8 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain

Similar situation to you. Love and hugs to you.
The kids know you’ve got their backs.

He is living a sad empty life full of stuff. The hole in his soul will never be satisfied with the stuff or the life he is living. Eventually the bailiffs will come knocking as will old age. See what that ‘good times’ life gets him then.

Monika
Monika
8 years ago
Reply to  moaklis

lol, yep, similar story here. Sociopath ex worked 12-14 days some weeks but accused me of not being able to manage our finances because I dared to question him about why his absence from home was not reflected in the bank account…. occasionally I got some irrational explanation, most of the time I got “YOU’LL NEVER BE HAPPY NO MATTER HOW MUCH I MAKE”, or “YOU’RE TOO MATERIALISTIC”, or “IF YOU DIDN’T HAVE SUCH EXPENSIVE TASTE”… toward the very end I got something along the lines of that maybe I should have worked more, even if I already did have 2 part time jobs, totaling 40 hours per week.

Lina
Lina
8 years ago
Reply to  Monika

Me too. He paid the rediculously low mortgage and cable and where the rest of his money went is beyond me. We never had new furniture, repairs were never done on the house, his car was paid off. Oh, he paid his car insurance too. Big whoop. He made good money. Then I heard, “You’re all about the money!” While I was wearing thrift shop and Walmart clothes he had $100.00 + pairs of sneakers, expensive gym clothes, Nike stuff, and spent hundreds a season on fantasy sports leagues. If he took me out to Applebee’s or a pizza he was a big spender.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  Lina

XW had 50 bikinis. Kids tell me she has 79 coats now. I worked 3 jobs to try to keep up.just could not do it.

Ami
Ami
8 years ago

My ex’s regular job was computer tech and his second “job” was playing in a band. That way he had an excuse to be unreachable and unlocateable morning, noon, and night most days, PLUS he had a pool of groupies from which to fish.

Even now, years later, one of the hardest things to cope with is how stupid I feel for ever believing one thing that exited his liar face.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

“Even now, years later, one of the hardest things to cope with is how stupid I feel for ever believing one thing that exited his liar face.”

Love it, Ami–that is exactly where I am at! Laughing, crying, and wanting to slap my former self all at once.

Ami
Ami
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

It helps to know others struggle with that. Except for that it’s all meh, easily, after many years, but that’s the thing I can’t shake.

Anita
Anita
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

Think we were married to the same person, Ami. The band was cover for his weekend fuck fests with the whore. Guess he couldn’t get enough of the slunt during the week. It also have him an excuse to avoid Playing Daddy on the weekend, . During the week, his excuse was work. On the weekend, he had to “rest” all weekend. You know, pregig, gig, and postgig. 48 hours, lol. Plus all that time in front of the mirror, primping, giddy with excitement , over seeing his lady love. And of course, if there is no gig, there’s always Practice, don’t you know?

ginger
ginger
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

Same!”practice”? Didn’t know what he was “practising”.

ginger
ginger
8 years ago
Reply to  ginger

On tour- some mix up with accommodation so had to share a bed with tour organiser.Didn’t have sex- until I got notification letter from a doctor. Then maybe had sex a few times. Deal was what happens on tour stays on tour. Deal broken when I got sick.

Ami
Ami
8 years ago
Reply to  ginger

EW EW EW!!! I feel for you all. YUCK!

Over and Out
Over and Out
8 years ago
Reply to  Ami

Ditto here… I, too, heard all the excuses and lies of a musician. Band gigs and practices provide an excellent cover and endless supply of groupies and kibble.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago

“The workplace is the ideal place for secret kibble production”

And yet, with all of my work travels, late nights, events, etc., I never once managed to fall in love with someone else, kiss someone else, or get naked with someone else! What’s wrong with me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve got character and integrity. 😉

God, I’m sick of thinking about how disordered these people are. To the point that, in IC, I cut my therapist off when she asked me how I though my stbxw felt or what she thought about certain things; I don’t know, because she’s a stranger to me now; I don’t care, because I quit that thankless job when I filed divorce papers; it’s time for me to focus on what I’m thinking and feeling. Therapist basically said “good point, I can understand that approach, it makes sense not to try to decipher the disordered too much.”

moxie
moxie
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

How are you supposed to decipher someone who lies all the time? My ex would lie about everything: the cost of the cable package he wanted, working late, out of town “business”, etc. Big lies. Small nefarious ones. Didn’t matter.

We’re adults & that means we can discuss our feelings, even the uncomfortable ones, not expect each other to decode & decipher. You don’t have to be one of the Hardy boys to have a successful relationship.

I’m glad you shut that down when your therapist asked that question.

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago
Reply to  moxie

well said. how can you decipher someone who lies all the time.

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Sephage…. “I quit that thankless job when I filed divorce papers” love that. Oh so true.
In quitting that job I realized how much of it I did on my own. I also saw once I was gone he didn’t have an effing clue how to relate to his own daughters. He was too busy getting his rocks off. He literally left coffee in the coffee pot for 3 weeks….it molded. My girls took photos. He ripped out all my flowers because he didn’t know what was what. He said he liked the look of mulch.
Well….the house is a dump. The slunt can’t decorate or cook. She definitely is not doing my former job.with the skill set I employed…but she has other skills…..

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy

Ah, you’re so far ahead of that OW slunt that you can’t even see her! 🙂

I feel compelled to add that my cheating STBXW always had work drama, none of it EVEAHHHH being her fault, of course. She cheated with one of her workplace bosses, a man-boy grandfather who is around the same age as STBXW’s cheating father.

It’s a good match: man-boy lives off of his mother’s (copious amounts of) money, has no male friends, and I can find not one person in our neighborhood who doesn’t think he’s an entitled doucheblossom. They are perfect for one another, IMHO.

Regarding work, not to sound like a narc, but in both of my careers (corporate, and then media):

– I advanced rapidly
– I won awards
– Parts of my work were recognized on global levels by industry leaders
– Saved money for the family’s future, and invested it like a champ, so that essentially I am retired early.

My cheating STBXW:

– Got laid off one corporate job, then fired from another job, and started a small business that immediately failed.
– Rang up secret debts and penalties to the tune of $100K.

Grandpop can have her. Funny how she went after the local man-ho with access to lots of cash when I got fed up of her secret destructive choices and told her to take responsibility for her debts once I found them out (incidentally, from what I have been able to unearth, her spending ways continued unabated after she begged and pleaded for me not to divorce her after uncovering the secret debt, and that she wouldn’t EVAHHHH do it again, blah-blah-lie-blah).

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Do I detect a Boston accent sephage?

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

Nope. But I am on the Right Coast. 🙂

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Thanks, all. In IC, my therapist and I kept checking one another on not untangling the skein, several times each, just in the latest session alone. It’s helped immensely. Just. Do. NOT. GO. THERE! 🙂

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

I agree seepage! It’s time to give up on trying to understand how other people think. What’s more important is what we’re willing to put up with in a relationship.

Rumblekitty
Rumblekitty
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

I’m glad you checked your therapist. The only way you can move past this shit is to concentrate on yourself and what you want. It doesn’t matter what makes the X tick. What matters is you.

Ohana
Ohana
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Sadly, she was always a stranger. That’s one of the most disorienting parts. Good for you for accepting that and moving on!

divorceat25
divorceat25
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

You are so right. When I travelled for work I somehow managed to never cheat, when he travelled he just made the most important connection with someone who was very very special. Blergh.

zyx321
zyx321
8 years ago
Reply to  divorceat25

During false MC, ex told me he was always hit on when he traveled/went to conferences, women would give him their numbers, etc. He asked if I ever was. Nope, dude, never. I think you put off a vibe in those situations.

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

i actually was hit on, asked for my phone number etc several times while i was married. and yet i never cheated. yes, there was one time i let the texting conversations get out of hand but i eventually realized what i was doing and i quit. blocked and never talked to again. AND i felt really really badly for it. which only gave diablo more power over me. ugh.

but somehow, i resisted ending up naked with some other man between my legs. go figure. even when felt my lowest and was very unhappy. it was easy for me to tell those men that i was not interested. because i honestly was not interested. just once i stumbled.

diablo was weak, he never hit on anyone, including me. i was the aggressor. he never put a move on me even when we were married. his idea of initiating sex was to poke my ass with his woody. lucky me. i used to think that he would never cheat on me since he was so scared to put a move on anyone. but a friend told me “you dont think there are women out there like you, who will put the move on him first?” and yep, it all fell into place. so the women did come on to him, and he did nothing to shoot them down. this hood rat he is with is very aggressive, in all manner of life. she is hostile to anyone and argues with everyone. she even called the movie rental place to tell them off saying she was me. stupid bitch.

but then he lets her. so *Shrugs*

mgirontree
mgirontree
8 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain13

Mrsvain13, I can’t count how many times I was hit on in the 23 years of marriage too. Not that I did’t fantasize about some of the really cute and sexy ones, I DID, but never in my wildest dreams did I think of taking it further then in my thoughts. We are only human and having fantasies is only human. I just always thought that my STBX thought that way too. We often talked about this since he is very attractive too and I knew women found him appealing, I just believed in our love and commitment and assumed that he did too. I am working on forgiving myself for my naiveté but I am finding that very hard to do.

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago
Reply to  zyx321

It’s probably BS zyx321, my STBXH did all the hitting on all the woman like he did with me when we met years ago. He was the aggressor.

K
K
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

You have arrived. 🙂
Your not a chump at all!
You “get it”.
Good for you; I’m with you… Tired of trying to decipher the disordered

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  K

I always say my ex fired me from the job of trying to figure out or care what he thinks.

As far as working – he was an extremely hard worker, or at least he seemed to be. He was gone all the time. He won tons of awards and accolades, but he also traveled with attractive and intelligent female coworkers all the time. In looking back, I realize that he worked even more after he fell in love with married OW coworker. He took on consultant jobs (in which OW went along with him) to earn extra money for the kids’ college expenses. The appearance of being a hard worker for our family gave him the perfect excuse to spend more time with her. What a sweet deal. When he left I told him that all his traveling and absence from our home was a major issue in our relationship. He immediately answered “No, it wasn’t.” End of discussion. That’s pretty typical of how our relationship discussions went. *Sigh.*

accubonded
accubonded
8 years ago

Yeah work, for those that have limited social skills work is their social life. Should have been a big red flag when she stopped bitching about her boss and instead ripped on every single woman that worked there also. Or never wanted to get together with any of our mutual friends, but instead just go out with those same women from work that she had been bitching about. Fuck that shit, always saying how hard you are working and how much you sacrifice, come on. The releif is real, things may be a bit harder now financially but I am glad to give up some of the extras in life to have some damn truth around me.

SnakebitNoMore
SnakebitNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

“Yeah work, for those that have limited social skills work is their social life”

True dat.

Snake did not have a single friend from outside the workplace. Not a single one. No old high school friends, zip.

And when he left one job he’d worked at for decades, he barely kept in touch with any of those people afterward.

Like once he didn’t have to suck up to everyone to convince them he was such a great guy, he had no use for them anymore…

That’s a good part of why his continued contact with a former co-worker was so out of the ordinary that I knew it wasn’t “just friends”. Aside from the discussion itself, that is. The content was incriminating, but his past history sealed it.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

“work, for those that have limited social skills work is their social life” This is SO true! Asshat just lurved all the drug reps, assistants, scheduling ladies, nurses bc they roperly appreciated how awesome he is, unlike his business partners or administration who are just always nitpicking about how much outstanding paperwork he had. Couldn’t they see he is just the best? Best bedside manner? All the patients and staff say they love him the best. Barf.

And I will not miss being his personal assistant. In one of our last discussions about the latest affair, he spit out that I was so lazy bc I never planned our social life. That was true for a few years when our son was very young but after some discussion, I realized I needed to step it up so I had lots of dates planned. His work schedule is so hectic and he didn’t think to inform me of his out-of-hours meetings in advance so I would choose several days and options. I told him I needed a week or two lead time to secure a sitter. He still nixed every date. SO HE COULD GO OUT WITH HIS WHORE! :angry:

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

oh damn i forgot about that one. how diablo would whine that i never wanted to go ANYWHERE. so i would plan an outing, for the family (because that is how i think a good time is, with my husband and the children we created). i would plan going to the movies, going to the park, going out of town, whatever and he would find some way out of it. so we went without him. and yet he keep crying about my not wanting to do anything. it wasnt that at all, i just didnt want to do the things HE WANTED to do which was go to his druggie cousins house and drink beer all night. in the end that is where he found his hood rat. he is cousin by the dad side, she is cousin by the mom side. they both were at the cousins house drinking beer all night and talking about their “bad” marriages. they have so much in common donchaknow. (her husband is at home, working and taking care of her 4 kids in another town, while she was here, staying up all night, sleeping all day, mooching food, showers, rides, a place to sleep, no apartment of her own, no job, no car. but she was FUN!!!!!) an easy hole, ready, willing, and available with the added benefit that she can match him beer for beer. THAT is tru luv. gag

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain13

oh and he was spending so much time there with her that he was NEVER home. staying out all night even when i was begging him to come home. begging him to tell what was wrong, how can i fix it, what was i doing wrong etc…..

excuse me while i vomit

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  accubonded

“I am glad to give up some of the extras in life to have some damn truth around me.”

Amen to that!

Kate50
Kate50
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

“I am glad to give up some of the extras in life to have some damn truth around me.”

Biggest relief ever to have that gone from my life!

ANC
ANC
8 years ago

“Hey. I’m taking the client out for dinner. I’ll be home late.”

Jeez. Got this a lot and since I had also worked for the same company, who was I to doubt this statement. Little did I know that the MOWhad flown in from Orange Cty, was interned at the Hyatt on Lake Cook Rd and he was heading out for the beginning of a weekend fuckfest.

Or…”look! At the XYZ conference, me and the guys saw PDQ band!” These were the times that asshat had internal conferences, got drunk with the “guys” and managed to find his body parts filling those of a female co-worker. The one I knew somewhat well and somehow could never look me in the eye when we talked in person.

Or how about, “What I really want for Christmas is a binder for all my Broadway playbills. Can you get that for me?” Oh, yes…ALL of the Broadway musicals where he spent a weekend celebrating the ANNIVERSARY OF MEETING THE MOW IN A BAR. Complete with photos that he would show me at home wherein the MOW was in the background. Those fucking weeks in January where he would miss the birthdays the younger two children so it would not conflict with the anniversary celebrations with the childless MOW.

BUT WAIT! None of this would be complete without the requisite, “ANC, you are not doing enough to meet my needs to feel special. You must hit these objectives that I have set in this relationship or else something bad will happen. ANC, you spend too much time addressing the needs of the kids and not enough focus on me.” Blah blah blah. That’s verbatim, pretty much. Enormous mindfuckery. The threats. The hoop jumping.

Even the asshat has admitted that his job really does not require a lot of real work. He has been passed over for promotions which has upset him over the past 5-8yrs. Can not anyone simply see how great he is?!!!

New chumps: their cheating HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. It’s not you. It’s not you. Don’t let them blameshift their crapola on you.

chump-ness
chump-ness
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Anc, I agree. I’m one month post final divorced (YAY) but still am astounded by realizations surrounding work. like a good wife I believed the ‘work late ‘ line. On Tuesdays work colleagues played squash until 7pm….. Sure, it ‘ran late’ until 9pm.(god I hate to think) I can’t help feeling dumb about this. Not to understand it, but the fact that I ‘spackled’ to be the understanding wife. It makes me sick. I can’t help but think its part my own fault for spakling… Xh chose to go to his work xmas party over our 5th wedding anniversary dinner for God’s sake. How dumb am i. Still not ‘meh’ Tuesday… Hurry up.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  chump-ness

Chump-ness, no one can fool you more than someone you love, because normal people trust those they love. Narcissistic people abuse that trust. It’s not you, it’s him.

sephage
sephage
8 years ago
Reply to  chump-ness

Chump-ness, you cannot find fault with yourself for trusting your spouse; that is what normal, well-adjusted people do when they are married.

chump-ness
chump-ness
8 years ago
Reply to  sephage

Thanks Sephage, working on it, but xh has done a lot of damage ?

kar marie
kar marie
8 years ago
Reply to  chump-ness

Chumpness, I know how you feel so much damage done by asswipe he almost broke me. But not quite. I’m stuck here for 6 months til asshole buys the house. I’m playing the great actress until then. Divorce final next week but his business is still here. He’s been given 6 months to buy the house or move his business so I can sell it. After that bye bye motherfucker! Only way I will ever heal is to get away from him. He doesn’t want that, wants us to stay close friends. He and whore broke up. She wants him back he says no. But he wanted to be close friends even when he was living with her. He’s nuts. I bide my time till I can disappear. He is still in love with me but wants to be free. How many of you have gotten this best friends right shit. Its maddening! He says it all the time. What the hell is wrong with him? Who the hell wants friends like that?! He’s the only guy I ever loved or trusted completely. Been together 30 years. I’m pretty badly damaged and shaken up. Its gonna take a good long while. A retired lady therapist told me when I asked her when will it stop hurting and when will the crying stop? She told me you will cry until you can’t anymore and then the hurt will be less. Anyone who tells you just get over it and find another guy. Tell them to go fuck themselves!! She is 86. Wise woman. Her first and only husband broke her heart, left her after 20 years. After she got to meh, she became a therapist to help chumps like us.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

I have the crazy like you Kar. Asswipe wants to be friends – oh wait no. He wants to “Date” after the divorce. What? Date as in – fuck buddies? live together? be committed? What the FUCK? I also get the asshole bash texting me. After a few hours of of not responding to his previous 18 texts – he will ask me what I am doing that night! He thinks he can just bitch text me and then say “Hey, lets have sex.” Yep – that is my crazy…..

moose
moose
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Mine said the same…divorce and date others and then see about getting back together…maybe.

Not a chance, asshat.

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

What the hell is with the “best friend” thing? I got the same bullshit. With friends like him I sure don’t need enemies!

ANC
ANC
8 years ago
Reply to  kar marie

Do not and NEVER let these people break you. We are warriors. Otherwise we would be relating to each other via RIC sites swirling around the limbo drain for eternity.

SnakebitNoMore
SnakebitNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

When I left, it was the first time in a long time I didn’t feel “broken”.

I was damaged by the marriage, but I wasn’t defective right out of the box.

I left the marriage because he voided the warranty.

With the psychological abuse ending, I can finally fix what can be fixed, and at least be functional again. That wasn’t going to happen when he was finding new and different ways to destroy every last component of what made me ME.

There will be love and trust again in my life, even if it is just loving my dogs and trusting myself.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

They can’t break us we are warriors. Yes to this. When our world shifts and we get them out of out lives we MEND. To be discarded like trash shows us in the end just why we NEED to detox and have no contact. These are sick entitled fuckers. Time, therapy, and building our own identity happens as a result. Trust this.

Lara
Lara
8 years ago
Reply to  ANC

I feel broken too 🙁 Each day is a struggle and although I am on depression medication, what I really would like to have is some kind of KARMA to punish the fucker fro his deeds. I know it would lift my depression a little, I just know it.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

I think I fell for this one, too. That said, it makes sense looking back about my own dis-ease regarding how late my xW (now) was spending out “working” or “relaxing” with the “girls” at the local bars. So chumpy be me then!

happily never after
happily never after
8 years ago

We had “tennis matches” on the weekends. We were so disconnected that I looked at that as free time away from the uncaring SOB.

Logistically it never seemed possible that an affair was going on as he came home at same time each night and was there on weekends, except for the fictitious tennis matches. But take a look at the phone records! Even my lawyer said there’s not enough time in the day to do this much talking, texting, and picture sending of who knows what. Oh and I found in the “love letters” reference to sneaking up to the 7th floor. And a write up for the schmoopie for missing a client call. And the lawyer new firm they are both working now doesn’t think he has to be “babysat.” What do you think CN, should I send head lawyer a “wake up alert?”

Keep in mind that I am now 2 mo. post final D. Not meh but…..so delicious thinking about it…..

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago

Nope. Let him fall on his ass on his own. Don’t meddle. NC is for you, not him. He needs a job so he can pay for his terrible life choices.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

My Idiot had the perfect cover… He was/is an undercover Narc. Multiple IDs to match the multiple personalities. Hanging with prositutes and drug dealers. Gone for days at a time. Months of waiting out a ‘hit ‘ on his life when we couldnt beseen in public together( for our daughters safety of course! ) You have to be a strong spouse to live like that. And I was.
When he moved inside the operations and wasnt doing field work anymore… But still living like he was… That was the flag for me. And then I asked the question and all hell broke loose.
I try, I do, to not dwell or revisit those years of him being undercover. It fucks with my head. Years sitting wondering if he was alive… When he was probably getting his balls licked by some whore. Sitting in restaurants where he insists on sitting facing the door of the restaurant because he needed to case the joint. RIGHT! Mother fucker.
The more I think of this shit… The more sick I feel. Just when I think I am approaching Meh… BAM!! Road block. Where is the fucking detour?

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I am starting to wonder whether Meh is a destination, or merely a long, never-ending journey? Even among long-timers here, it doesn’t seem a stable state (and rightfully so). Perhaps we’re thinking of it wrongly? Perhaps meh is a road trip, with lots of unforeseen elements–car breaks down, credit card won’t work, you leave your purse in a roadside restaurant and it’s gone when you turn around to get it.

And part of me doesn’t fully want meh–dammit, a great wrong was perpetrated on all of us, that permeated our very beings and our identities. Why *shouldn’t* we stay mad or enraged? why shouldn’t the injustice of it gall us for decades? I can still get myself into a tither about the Tuskegee experiments that started in the 30s. Isn’t it logical to be miffed about a personal injustice until my death bed? (and don’t even get me started on forgiveness) As long as I, we, don’t stop our lives to relish our resentments, isn’t it justifiable, and even intelligent, to remember what was done to our marriages and families with malice aforethought?

Just my musings…. (go ahead, call me bitter. Bitter is the smart response, IMHO).

Ami
Ami
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, thank you. I am totally in harmony with this. I agree with CL about meh and I don’t feel admonished here. In the larger world, though, I frequently feel like some people won’t accept.that it’s reasonable that we never completely move past it when someone is harmful to us, that the harm doesn’t just disappear into some inexplicable fog. People use the word “jaded” as though it’s somehow unreasonable for us to let experience teach us to avoid future harm. (Of course, that’s probably mostly coming from people.who want us to let our walls down so they can exploit us, truth be told.)

Thank you for this support!

Moving Liquid
Moving Liquid
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Agreed, Tempest. Meh is a journey. You can’t “get over” that sort of betrayal. It doesn’t mean we won’t go on to have fulfilling lives. It means we’ve been forever affected, like a victim of any major crime.

You’re not bitter. You’re a crime victim.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Moving Liquid

movingliquid you know this pain well.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest + TheClip, I am massively struggling with the same feelings and questions.

Apart from kid-related logistics, I have been NC with my STBX for over a year and don’t even look at him at drop off/pick up.

If Meh is the certainty that I know I will be fine, that I I know I will build a great life for myself, and that I will do my very best to be a sane, respectful and fair parent for our kid, then I am there.

But I can’t help myself from fuming when I think that my STBX’s selfish choices to live out his pseudo mid-life crisis put our kid in the inevitable situation to have to digest at some point growing up the indelible fact that the same person who is currently doing a masterful job at coming across as an involved, charming dad, turns out to also be a cheating, lying coward.

Giving our only child that kind of mindfuck as a legacy is so disgusting it burns me deep every time I think of it.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Chumpitude
I hope I didnt take the nation back a few steps away from Meh. I am just trying to keep it real. I want to be a bad ass… Strut my stuff down Meh Blvd but i aint there. Pointed in the right direction… But not there. And I think thats ok to tell the Nation… That I am having troubles getting there or doubting that it even exists. Somedays Meh is that fairy tale place where Chumps have big steal toe boots on from kicking so much ass and wear Teflon suits .I want big steal toe boots. I got ass to kick.
I have silly thoughts sometimes…. I have this image of CL running like Forrest Gump… Down the road to Meh… And just like Forrest she suddenly stops and says she is done. She is tired. We all stand around and go huh? WTF? Where have I been trying to get to? And God I hope not cause this is the first time I have felt sane in a long time… I just wanna make sure that Meh is a real place.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

No setback at all TheClip, I so very much value the quality and depth of your contributions to CN.

And I can relate to the experience of the treacherous journey that Meh is, I wanted to acknowledge that there might be different levels of Meh, some related to triggers about how we feel about our cheaters, and quite another, more challenging to me, about the consequences of his selfish actions on me and our kid.

We are all on this recovery journey together, and yep, being Meh bound might be more accurate than arriving at Meh.

(((TheClip)))

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Count me as someone who also loves your posts Clip – but I pretty much love everyone on this site. We are all different people with different frames of reference and however similar our circumstances, there are variations which will affect how “meh” shows up in our lives. I agree with Tempest that it is probably more of a journey. However, with time and perspective, the pain, reminders, memories show up differently in our lives and emotional space. Part of the problem is we recognize what was done to us as “harm” and recognize that you cannot and should not respond to harm and people who intentionally harm you (to harm someone is to be intentional) in the same way you respond to a situation in which you were hurt or respond to someone who hurt you (implicit in “hurt” is not intentional). I also believe that’s from where that bullshit “forgiveness” chatter comes – the not understanding (either willful or not) of the difference between harm and hurt. We have been harmed in ways large and small – not just hurt. What was done to us was willful, malicious and intentional and an ultimate act of betrayal. Even when the wound heals, the scar will remain, and just like any scar, it may ache from time to time as a reminder. I think of meh as that scar – a healing that carries a reminder which may ache from time to time. It is important to remember that you were harmed, who harmed you and what it taught you. Understanding the meaning of things is crucial in understanding the meaning of things.

Hugs to you Clip.

Uneffingbelievable
Uneffingbelievable
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

I sometimes think that Meh is not about how you feel about your Ex, but it’s more about how you feel about what all of this has done to you as a person. We can look at these soul-suckers and really understand the evil that they are and say “Meh” to them. It’s a whole different ballgame when we meet our own eyes in the mirror and it takes a second to recognize ourselves. I never wanted to be the cynical, hard, sarcastic, bitter person I am today, but it’s who I am now. I didn’t ask for any of this. And I did what I needed to do in my life, what was in MY power to, do to ensure I’d have an intact family and a real partner in this life. That was all stolen from me and no one asked my permission. The open and kind person I was has been erased and replaced with a suspicious and cynical woman that I barely recognize. On the one hand I like her because no one will ever be able to hurt her again, but I kind of miss the old me who trusted people and allowed them to get close. Having that disordered douche out of my life is addition by subtraction. I’m way Meh about him. I just can’t get to Meh about who I’ve become because of him.

ChutesandLadders
ChutesandLadders
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I can gauge my progress to meh in moments when I’m not profoundly sad about the years wasted on a loon, or full of self loathing because I ignored the signs he was a lazy, nut-job loser all along the journey to D-Day.

Those moments are fewer and farther between these days, and the very sight of him no longer elicits fear on a primal level. Now it’s just disgust for a miserable excuse of a man who not only threw me away but also had to financially and emotionally rip me and our kids to shreds in the process. He keeps his kids out of sight and out of mind so he could go be taken care of by a skanky, creepy, cross-eyed, psuedo-mommy with money.

Am I jealous that he is living a life of supposed coupled bliss and vacations and dinners out while his kids and I are scrimping for groceries and trying to figure out the dynamics of our “new and improved” family? You bet. But then it hits me that he is the cheapest, most joyless person on the planet. Skanko is now essentially throwing money into a black-holed heart; someone who is going to rob her blind and then toss her on a garbage heap just as soon as she is no longer useful to him. She’ll deserve it, too. Especially for the mindfuckery crap she tried out on my kids (who nicknamed her Scarol and call her that to her face).

Oh, and he’s a plank of wood in bed, too. No amount of money, hair plugs, Viagra or alcohol is going to change that!

To me, the road to meh isn’t smooth. There are some massive sinkholes that take time and a ridiculous amount of sheer tenacity to navigate. But what keeps me moving forward is the fear of failing my sons, refusal to believe my life story ends without me as the triumphant heroine victor, and the horizon in the distance that appears have a sunrise just over next hill, just waiting for me to show up.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago

Like!

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

“Meh” is the state where you may find the pain has abated to the point where you just don’t give a fuck anymore – but you always watching like a hawk for shitty behaviour on the part of others. Doesn’t need to be a partner – its anyone.
To be fair – I find I’m a richer person for that – where the rose coloured glasses have been shattered and healthy cynicism has taken its place. Where you realise that it isn’t all sunshine and roses with arseholes.

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

You nailed it Lania…I’m right there with you.

movin_on
movin_on
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

TheClip, Please add me to your list of admirers. You ability to maintain your considerable wit through this sh*tstorm is amazing to me. You are truly mighty.

I hope my comments about “meh” (above) didn’t come off differently from how it sounded in my head. I am sorry if I expressed myself poorly. I’ve been coming here for a couple years (read my Match.com story – hilarity) and I do think that it’s possible to reach a form of “meh.” It’s probably different for all, but what I’m calling “meh” is not allowing myself to be provoked by the crazy. Or jealous because, from all outward appearances, he “won.”

Don’t get me wrong. I am forever changed. I have no desire to date four years post D-Day because I can’t imagine trusting a man again. And when my son says “I wish things were how they used to be,” I completely fall apart. I will never be the same.

But I do feel like not giving a crap about how he’s doing or ruminating over what he did is my form of meh, probably because I am a world-class ruminator (and have my old companions depression and anxiety to prove it). Again, I hope I didn’t sound like a jackass above. I would never want to offend anyone here.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  movin_on

Movin_on
I love everyones comments and stories… sometimes I wish there was a like button because I would absorb a lot of space on this site if I commented on everything. I am glad for your cheering leading and thanks for the kind words!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest
I will never be the same, I’ve forever changed.

My mother died in my arms minutes after my narcissistic abusive father uttered the words, “When will they come for the body”. I took her in my arms and told her it was time to go and she would forever be safe without abuse. I told her she was a great mother and we all loved her. Within a few months X made his announcement.
I chose no contact with X and my father. The impact of what these two completely different sociopaths have done to me in my lifetime made me vow to never let ANYONE have power or control over my life or emotions. They are pure evil.

My daughters are 36 and 33 and while they GET it, they too learned to live and function in chaos. We are here to shape them and model our strength in living a better life. Do I resent the fucker, hell yeah. Will I ever have contact or pretend he loves anyone but himself? No. Will I resist the urge to spray paint his gravestone, no.
Keeping them first and foremost in our thoughts for years gives continues to feed their importance. They are not important, just fucktards living a sleazy superficial illusion.

I prayed every day of my life that my father would die or my mother would stop sacrificing herself and live better. She never did. And all she was to him was a body.

We get to do whatever we want! We wasted enough. Meh may be a journey with ups and downs. We can choose the direction.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

Two weeks after my dad died, my first XW woke me yo brag about the body of the man she had been with that night. She also announced she was going to Chicago with a guy from her AA group and sharing a hotel room so they could visit museums. Left me alone to czre fof our 2 boys while I WAS STILL GRIE
VING!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Arnold this is why I have moved on with my life. They are heartless assholes. I wouldn’t treat anyone the way I was treated.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest… Jesus, Amen and HALLELUJAH!!!
I swear i am trying to get on that fucking road… But maybe just maybe I need to stay angry… Maybe something in the universe is saying ‘ you need to stay angry right now’
He is fucking crazy and dangerous .. So maybe , just maybe the universe is saying ‘ Clip be a bad ass mother fucker and stay righteously angry cause u need to’
Its more than bitter for me… Its more than angry. Is there a word in the english language that would some up it up… I feel fucking jilted … fucked over… robbed … Defrauded. I am a victim of fraud.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip–you do need to stay one bad-assed mother fucker, cuz your X is a psychopath, pure and simple. You haven’t just been robbed or defrauded, you’ve had your life-earnings stripped from you on a stagecoach ride, had the shit kicked out of you, and been left for the horses to run over. But you got up, screamed a few expletives, and now have to make the journey to daughter-turns-18, looking over your shoulder for the robbers to show up again. Good thing you’re sassy, and passersby will give you what you need to keep hiking.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I am still plenty pissed off at both XWs, after all these years.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I need to learn to be my own hero…. With a stun gun.

chumpita
chumpita
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I agree. Meh seems to be a stage thing, sometimes it lasts a full month, but I feel “unmeh” very frequently, it can be triggered by anything: like hearing my daughter´s comment on how they miss our family, or when I hear his voice, or find something that reminds me of the happy moments. Maybe after daughters are grown up and many years have past, meh will be more permanent, but for now, I am constantly reminded that the person I most loved and trusted betrayed me with no regrets.

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpita

well said. there will ALWAYS be triggers. when your child asks where daddy is. why doesnt daddy love them. why is he helping hood rats kids? or can we ask daddy to go with us like that one time. or remember when daddy did this for us. a song, a picture, a memory.

i was triggered a few days ago by a picture i found on an old hard drive. a picture of my youngest when he was 3 years old on a family outing. he was dirty for playing in the sand, sun burnt, wearing his daddys hat and tired. he was sitting on his dads lap, with his head on his dads shoulder with his eyes closed and his little arms around his daddy neck. diablo had his arms around the boy and was looking at the camera with this face, this happy joyful face and his hair all a mess by the wind.

it crushed me.i cried at work. how the fuck did that go wrong. he was happy. he was a good day (at least in the beginning) where the hell did it go wrong? to the point that the same man doesnt even talk to me, much less look at me. and now hates me so much he doesnt even want to be around his flesh and blood children. and how the hell was i to know he would become the hateful cruel man he is now?

i dont think you EVER get over. i think you just learn how to live with the pain. just like the pain of losing my daughter only this pain happens over and over and stays fresh.

fucking assholes!!!

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpita

What is weird is it’s been over 4 years since my D-day, but last night I had a dream in which my ex hugged me. It felt good. I sometimes feel I’ll be connected to him forever. It’s really hard when you were with someone from the age of 16 – 53 to just forget about them. In many ways I feel there was no closure.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn
For me it was 16 to 58 and in my dreams I’m physically hurting him.

Syringa
Syringa
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest…I completely agree with you and your analogies. It’s been YEARS since Cheaterpants screwed me over and yeah, I’m at Meh most days but I honestly don’t think you EVER get over that kind of betrayal. I honestly think it will haunt me forever. On Dday I felt something break inside of me and I know it will never completely heal. It was the day I learned that the person I trusted the most was the biggest liar, cheat and thief on earth and I was completely fooled and made a fool of. How do you get over things like that? I don’t have an answer to that.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

Syringa…. I am broken in places that I cant reach and i dont think there is any adhesive or replacement part. I trusted a man of the law, a decorated Marine. A man that i would have bet my childs life on…
Its all bullshit.

Syringa
Syringa
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

TheClip..It is ALL bullshit when we’re dealing with these types of sociopaths who don’t feel a thing. I love your posts and read every word. You’re a brilliant mighty woman and I know someday you can reach a sort of Meh. My greatest wish is that everyone here can heal enough to find peace someday. Hugs darlin’

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Syringa

For me, meh comes and goes. I think that is the best we can hope. Even with ex husbands of decades gone by, once in a while I get a hair up my ass about how he treated me or the children who are now in their later twenties and thirties. But, it goes away just as fast as it comes.

I feel I am really at meh this time sooner then I ever was with the others. First, because of this site and second, because I knew what to expect.

Syringa, your wish that everyone here “heal enough to find peace someday” is the best that can happen. Knowing the peace that comes from within gets you back to meh real quick when you get off track.

I used to think everyone can be fixed. I know better, now. More importantly, I know the only one who can fix you is YOU. As for me, it was grace from God above.

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

i used to feel bad for divorced woman. i mean even if they found someone else and remarried. it seemed to me that there was something missing in their eyes. you can look at pictures of them with their first husband and see a sparkle there that seems to be gone forever. i have never met a divorced woman who has that sparkle. i believe it is because something is broken in them forever when the person you trusted, loved, honored, believed in, gave so much to and had dreams with fucks you over, something dies inside you. on the other hand, i see woman who have been married all their lives, never divorced and even in bad times, they have a sparkle when they look at their husbands, even if he is an asshole, the sparkle is there.
(maybe sparkle is not the right word, maybe it is life showing)

now i am one of those. i lost something when my daughter died and before i could get my head on right, i lost the man i love more then anything. i know people argue that they would rather be divorced then to have their spouse die (in cases where they were close to divorce anyways, not in cases where they had a good marriage) but i have been threw both with people i loved with all my heart. and i say, death is way easier.

yes, it is sad and hurtful that you will never see that loved one again. you can never hear their voice or see them in person. but you KNOW that is the reason you cant see them, you can believe they are in a better place and are not in pain. i WISH my husband died instead of betrayed me. yes, i can still see him (kissing on another woman and doing all these things for her that he should be doing for me), i can hear his voice and talk to him (and hear his anger and hate and all the cruel things he is saying just to hurt me over and over and over), yes, maybe someday in the extreme future we can get along (which i doubt since he seems to enjoy the pain he causes me, and i doubt i can ever GET OVER the shitty things he did to me and my boys). but at least if he had died, then i wouldnt have to see him act this way, do these things. the most painful thing was to accept that when it came down to it my husband choice a hood rat over me and his sons. every single day, he makes that decision over and over. i would much rather grief his life is over then to witness the destruction and downfall of the man i loved and thought was a good husband, good dad and good man. my boys would have healed knowing that daddy died and can not be with them, then knowing that daddy bailed on them and abandoned them.

Lara
Lara
8 years ago
Reply to  mrsvain13

I also wish my ex death. But before death, I wish him years of physical and mental suffering.

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Clip, I’m so sorry you had to deal with such an asshole. There’s a special place in hell reserved for your ex. (Satan as the unholy host: “How many in your party? Right this way, a table right in the middle of our eternal flesh-melting acid vat.”)

My father (deceased) was a Police Major and Homicide Detective. I have mentioned this before, but he made EVERYONE he hired sign an infidelity clause that stated in no uncertain terms if infidelity was suspected and confirmed, that person was dismissed. No pleading, no deals, they were done. He would launch a full investigation regarding any allegations of an affair. Dad was a polygraph administrator, forensics expert and master interrogator. His mindset? If your own spouse or romantic partner can’t trust you, then what makes you think that we can? If they resisted putting their signature on that particular document? Sorry, but they had no place on his staff. He didn’t care if it wasn’t politically correct. It was all about character to him.

I have special place in my heart for honorable people who work in Law Enforcement. I despise ones who, in any way, take advantage of their vocation.

I absolutely love your posts, and I’m sending hugs your way.

mrsvain13
mrsvain13
8 years ago
Reply to  Boudica Reborn

OMG!! and infidelity clause!! that is awesome. your dad rocks!!! i never thought i had to explain to my husband that infidelity was a no go for me. i mean it was in the vows we took at the church we got married in. i never considered having to teach him that infidelity was bad. even after the first time. i never said, you know if this happens again we are divorcing. i just figured it was a given. dumb ass me, i should have told him. poor little sausage just didnt know. not everyone had a great childhood like i did. i mean i had to explain EVERYTHING else to him. you cant drink a vehicle without insurance, you have to pay your bills BEFORE the due date, you have to pay your bills first THEN spend money on stupid shit. you cant yell at the baby then get mad that he is crying. you are not helping when you only wash half the dishes or clean half the living room. ugh. so it must have been MY fault that he cheated, i never told him not to stick his dick in someone else. (sarcastism there if you missed it)

but i think i will put in an infidelity clause on all future dates. please sign the dotted line. hahaha
you have to admit it is a good idea

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Clip,

What a life. Your humor is still intact and your comments have been inspiring. I don’t know why you were delivered this mother fucker as a spouse, but I just have to believe it was for some bigger reason unbeknownst to us.

Forge on.

newlifeahead
newlifeahead
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

Clip, my STBX did the same thing! He is a major in law enforcement and would always want to sit facing the door so he could check everyone that walked in! Now I know what he was checking for!

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  newlifeahead

Its a whole different kinda hurt and fuckedupedness… It really is. When the good guy is the enemy… Except ya dont know it until its too late.
I cringe at the things I believed and endured for the law.

Phi Slama Jama Mama
Phi Slama Jama Mama
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Soldiers, too. Cops are bad, so are military.

nic
nic
8 years ago

Yup, mine worked his ass off too. Fucking a married coworker is exhausting – thank goodness for those paid-for hotel rooms at conferences where they could rest and recharge their batteries. Then the work became harder – is my wife going to find out? Is the mow going to sue me for harassment? Poor poppet was pooped. And he had to work twice as hard! And like Batman, he was often so important he was unavailable. My h the super hero. Who to blame when sahm/wife scratches her head/pukes uncontrollably/develops feminine health issues? Himself? No, kept the family in coin. Mow? No because even though an entire industry referred to her as Skippy (she spreads so easily), she was a good person and she can cause some major consequences for the bread winner. Blame the 3d party in the triangle – st Nic – and get back-up and proof of her inadequacies on the job so her possible termination is guilt free and justified.

His was a 4 month pa with a willing wet hole at work and 2 years later the ripples continue. He said getting empty but enthusiastic validation from her was like grabbing candy from the cubicle next to his. Easy, meaningless, devoid of nutrition and became a habit. To say he’s humiliated himself by digging into a very frequented, crowded and unhygienic candy jar would be an understatement. But he’s given me material that’s pure gold.

Pearshaped
Pearshaped
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

He sure has! Poor Skippy-popped poopet,. “digging into a very frequented, crowded and unhygienic candy jar “….eeuurrgghh!

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

nic, my cheater was doing no more work than ever yet started behaving like he was bring run ragged. For a few years, he started showing up to work, disheveled and glum. He was so stressed out about having to manage two women and his job, when he can’t manage even without the extra woman. He would cry at his desk, pull his hair out in clumps and every single woman at work felt sorry for him. I think he had his partner snowed for awhile too. Jackhole. Magically, though barely anything has changed, he is back to his regular self again. I want to use his skull to hammer nails.

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyElf

Mine was the boss, and for several weeks the mow was going to carry the company into the next period of growth, he was so proud of her. Except she’s inept – she’s done the same job for 20 yrs and people continue to climb past her on the ladder. For a reason. She couldn’t earn, manage and produce her way into the next tax bracket, so she thought she could take the spot I’d been keeping warm for a very long time. So she caused him even more work and serious damage control when he figured out she was no better than a masturbation tool. He’s got narc tendencies and seems to fall for people (both sexes) who are full of shit in business a lot. It’s like success hopium, he just wants so much to believe them. It’s work chumpiness. It even applies to unskilled labourers who are clearly unhinged and possibly could be dangerous upon termination – he always gives them too many chances and the benefit of the doubt. I think in his case he wants success and progress so badly he’s blind to the bullshit. Just like I wanted the marriage and family so badly I ate the bullshit by the shovel full.

ChumpyElf
ChumpyElf
8 years ago
Reply to  nic

Yikes. Asshat used to be an owner/partner of a practice and now he’s an employee of a large hospital system. He is never satisfied with either arrangement. He, of course, could not think of an alternative. Freelance, contract specialist? He trusts all these women and, even men, who are clearly sparkly BSers but also overreacts sometimes and makes snap judgments I don’t see any logic in. I have a nagging fear he is a neurological thing going on so I need to get us out before it all goes to hell in a handcart.

BetrayedFriend
BetrayedFriend
8 years ago

Work is where my EX met OW – (20 years younger, newly married, 2 Ft. Taller)
Always came home in time for my gourmet dinner – around 6:00ish – except that he didn’t have to stay after 4:30, but I was told that he was either finishing up a job or that he was jogging around his workplace. NOT!! This was the time he Fucking OW in the Guest Suite of his workplace.

OW befriended me, and used to come to my house for dinner often, I’m pretty sure that she was in my home right after their little fuck fest at work. SICK SICK – both of them!!

This was why I was in denial for so long, because he was always home for dinner, always with me on the weekends, Except when he was “on-call” – and had to go in. Yes, she was working too on those days.
Such a fool I was. No, I was a trusting soul, and that’s what I’m supposed to do – Trust my husband!

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedFriend

yes, trusting the asshat. but then he trusted me too. trusted me to take care of everything he fucked up and I did a damn good job at it too. now he trusts her. it burns my ass that he is now letting her make the decisions that I used to be good enough for. so much so that everything I say now is twisted and obscured into something I never even thought of.

so when mrsvain says “Diablo, It would be better for the children if you came to our house for visitations. they want your undivided attention plus there are things here that they want to show you and do with you”. Diablo says “hold on” then comes back saying “no, I am not going to YOUR house, you just want to control me. you want to supervise my visits. you just want me to go over so you can get me back”
hmmm, I wonder where all that came from. knowing that diablo is not smart enough to put so many complete sentences in a row like that.

bitch ass sucks

SayNoToSparkles
SayNoToSparkles
8 years ago

“When D-Day hit, I found a certain amount of relief — oh, so THAT’s where you were! One of the great advantage of escaping a cheater is the peace that comes from not relying on these jerks. You’ll feel a burden has been lifted, because you realize quite quickly how much work you were doing to keep their chaotic, uninvested life whole. Direct that energy towards yourself. Let Mr/s Cheaterpants find a new personal assistant.”

Yes. This.

I relish in the thought that he now has OW as his new assistant. She was his subordinate so she has no clue what it took to run my household with 3 small kids and never doing anything “right” or “good enough”. Since the affair was exposed he was moved and she saw the writing on the wall and got a work from home job. He’s got her right where he wants her. Being his most awesome assistant. At the moment she is better than I ever was. A true team player and a real partner in their relationship. (barf) I’m having bouts of deja vu. Same shit he told ex wife #1 about me. History always repeats itself.

Deedee
Deedee
8 years ago

My ex is a consultant in obs and gynae.The hospital provided him with the perfect hunting ground for an eclectic mix of sexual conquests….nurses,other doctors,patients,secretaries….and he had them all,women who worked together,knew each other.They,nor I,had any clue they were members of a narcissist’s harem.
He was able to juggle it all for years before he was busted and of course his erratic working hours provided perfect cover…and the fact that he’s got a room with a bed in it in the hospital….for when he had to do those middle of night deliveries ….not.Stone cold sociopath.
I also feel stupid for believing he was who he pretended to be,for buying the glib,superficial charm.

namedforvera
namedforvera
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

FWIW, the OW who I ended my marriage over, the nefarious Dr.Ho, is also an OB/GYN. I feel so much pity for her patients! And Gawd, she is stupid. And mean. And of course, racist. An unbeatable combo.

Crapweasel, on the other hand, had recently been hired into one of the best jobs of his life, as VP in a really interesting startup. Of course, he couldn’t stop (visibly) texting Dr.Ho, and he was actually fired over his behavior… and I would have said his one redeeming characteristic is his talent and commitment to work.

Narcs.

Natalie Can Have Him
Natalie Can Have Him
8 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

Oh yes, the hospital settings are tailor made for nefarious goings on! Mine was a medical student at the time, and had no shortage of nurses and other medical workers to pick from. (Surprisingly, none of the female med students ever seemed interested, but I think maybe it was because this was the early eighties, when they were still relatively rare and had to work twice as hard for half the recognition of the guys.)

His main AP was a nurse. That would be our dear Natalie! I guess in all fairness, she was a pretty good one, as she wound up at the same nationally recognized medical center as did my ex, years later. He was anxious to tell me about it!)

The long hours at a teaching hospital provided great cover!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

Guess that’s why all those soap operas are set in hospitals, lol. I remember watching General Hospital with my grand mother, decades ago.

Solange
Solange
8 years ago

Small town New Hampshire
My soon to be X told me he was going to the town’s Zoning Board Meeting…well the minutes of these are public, and posted on line. The Zoning Board Meeting adjourned at 7:45PM and he did not get home until after 11PM.

I was a fool.
I was lost.
Now I am found.
He is in the rear view mirror!
I am at peace.
Thank goodness!

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago

Mine has the PERFECT job for a cheating narcissist – news reporter. Oh, he’s so exciting, travelling the world and hobnobbing with the rich and powerful. The mundane “peasants” just can’t understand how amazing and important he is.

And frankly, everywhere we’d go, strangers would feed his ego, recognizing him and singling him out for special treatment – free stuff, better service, the best table, etc. He put in very little effort with the typical narcissistic entitlement because it came naturally to him due to his career.

He made a lot of money – which constantly burned a hole in his pocket – and worked long hours, which enabled his lying and cheating, as did the travel. I never knew where he was and even learned much of the time he wasn’t where he said he was or with whom he was supposed to be.

All that to say, his next partner – and I’m sure he has one on the hook already, no matter his sad sausage “please come back to me” games – will have the same problems. That’s the way he rolls and my only consolation.

creativerational
creativerational
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

SIS… Are you a little relieved? Fixing your picker and looking for someone who won’t spend All his time being dotted upon?

I once heard that there’s always a flower and a gardener in relationships. One who waters, one who is the one who needs watering. I don’t know about you guys but that to me is ducked up. (Yep. Ducked like a slough. Trying to swear less). What I want is someone who wants to lean, and be leaned on. A gosh darn symbiotic relationship… Why the hell would anyone want to be a gardener alllllll the damn time? Of course being the flower sounds amazing- you don’t have to do anything … And I often think it makes total sense…. People who are selfish generally assume the flower and chumps assume the Gardener position (bending over the barrel for their rake) (or a hoe, not the type the flower wants) … But it’s not healthy. It’s gross. Let’s change this.

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago

Hi creativerational: I’m working on fixing it. Like all of us, I accepted a lot of very, very unacceptable things for many years, making my needs smaller and smaller until they were nonexistent. He frequently said things like “there’s something fundamentally wrong with you,” etc. and I believed it because, well, deep down I thought the exact same thing!

I’m thinking about starting to date, seeing who else is out there. It might take my mind off things and help me move forward. My ex was such a horrible person – from withholding affection to screaming obscenities at me on a regular basis – that I feel pretty broken.

However, this experience has made my boundaries really, really strong so it might be a good time to start. Even though I’m still sad, I’m starting to watch the world go by from my window and wondering why I’m giving my ex any more mental real estate via my grief.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

Sad in Seattle, my ex traveled so much it got to be where I didn’t even care where he was. The kids stopped noticing when he was gone. He also considered his job as his life, it was changing the world and going to be famous for his contributions to society. Lots of adoration from female coworkers. Sounds similar to your ex!

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Yes – very similar!

It’s especially challenging when the rest of world – including the fawning public and pretty young girls who just want to be on TV – validate his amazingness!

Someone will be in for a massive surprise when he starts banging hookers, over spending, drinking too much, withholding sex, and generally making her feel like the problem. Little do they know… Mwahahahaha.

SheChump
SheChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

I had a ‘super-star’ businessman. All his peers called him The King, or something. (I’m sure in jest) He worked from home and there was no way he had a chance to find another woman..as I did work along side him. Until, we started to travel to dog shows, where he could work from the m/h. Well, he met the horse-face there – where else would he meet one since he didn’t work in a cubicle in a normal downtown office? Grabbed the first chance he got. Her and I were ‘great buddies’ too, for 5 yrs traveling together. That’s when all these business trips started coming up…and he couldn’t wait for me to leave for a dog show for the weekend. And dammit – I didn’t expect a thing and kept ignoring my gut .. and she apparently spent every weekend at my house while I was gone. I went thru garbage one night getting home, thinking I was hitting bottom of the barrel on my suspicions….because he put it out early, and all I found was a bunch of cigarette butts – like lots of them. pew. I knew X liked the odd smoke but it looked like 2 packs. Doh me for closing up the bag quickly. He said there were fruit flys in it and why he put it out early.

The mind-fuck relating that means I’m definitely at meh these days and glad to reach it. It’s worth the trip up the mountain!!

Meg
Meg
8 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

Remember the words of the Carly Simon song: “he’s a legend in his own mind…a hero.” This is the hallmark of the narcissist, the grandiosity. They are the bestest! Until they’re not. My XH lost a job he’d had for 6 years and felt important in, and that’s when the cheating started. He suddenly couldn’t find work in our state, and then couldn’t come home except one weekend a month. So easy to cheat, with arrogance and entitlement because he’s “all that!” But then in the next 10 years he had 8 more “I’m the star!” Jobs. All out of state or even country. I worked full time and raised 4 kids while his AP was available to live & vacation with him. Now, meh is easier because he lives 3000 miles away & I’ve never had to see much of him or the APs. Oh yeah, cheated on them too. One called me when she found out he’d been living with her & cheating with a high school friend. She couldn’t believe he would cheat on Her! Funny but sad.

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

Speaking of the perfect jobs for a cheater, airline pilot, X is Capt. for a major airline.
He would be eager to tell me stories of the other married pilots and their indiscretions,
some had girlfriends in other countries, or how blatantly “other” pilots flirted with waitresses,
or picked up some girl.
Afterwards X would tell me how honest his is and I’m lucky I was to be married to
someone with so much integrity.
An example of what a Chump I am, when the book “The Pilots Wife” was popular
friends would ask me if I was concerned about X being unfaithful.
My response was, “no, not at all, X loves us too much and values his family.”

You’re right Seattle when he’s asked what his occupation is the usual reaction
of people is admiration and the barrage of questions is more validation to his
amazingness. You can see it in his face.., See everyone else adores me..
His words when he left, “I’m a pilot,” what are you?
This is my appreciation after supporting him and “our” career for over 20 years.

Other Kat
Other Kat
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

My STBX is also of the “sparkly big-shot” variety, only in the arts. The constant round of travel to meetings and gallery openings all over the country, the “feminist” commitment to mentoring female artists (all of whom are built like boys, keep reading), the inconsistent hours coupled with being his own boss–as well as the opportunity to hook up with lots of other closeted cake-eaters–converged to create the Perfect-Storm Big Bang from which his narcissistic cheater’s paradise was born.

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

I suppose for me the best revenge – aside from living well – is knowing this will happen over and over with every woman he aims his laser beam of sparkles at. There’s only so long he will be able to keep up the act.

If I’d had more self esteem when we first met – and had I not been so impressed that this dashing, successful, handsome man was interested in little ‘ol me – I would have run, not walked, from him. He was selfish and had a reputation from the very start.

He’s probably gotten his black belt in deception since we got together so it will likely take a while but a leopard doesn’t change its spots!

Chumpness in Seattle
Chumpness in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  Sad in Seattle

SIS, I wonder if our Ex’s know each other? Got ideas and encouragement from each other? Exchanged the name of the (in my opinion) bottom feeding, combative, bi polar lawyer to use? My Long term lying, cheating, financially deceptive, std carrying Ex was the sparkly big shot executive at “a major telecommunications industry”, adored by literally thousands of employees whose livelihoods he controlled, sitting on various art and education boards, appearing in the media at various times looking like quite the stand up guy… Or at least he was until he quite unexpectedly got terminated this summer, just seven months after our divorce was finally gaveled to a close! This may be a major city, but it’s pretty tight within industry segments.. And mine too hunted for sexual conquests from the work pool. Didn’t stop even with several sexual harassment charges brought against him in his long term career with this company. Just curious… We should have coffee sometime….

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
8 years ago

Oh yes, I have so much I could say on this topic but I’ll focus on my exH’s amazing ability to be underemployed for a good part of our marriage, yet have the gall to call me out when I could not balance the finances. He made out like I’d been holding him back somehow from some sort of financial greatness? So he left me paying two mortgages completely alone to move in directly with Schmoopie who already had a larger home than ours. In my devastation I believed that he’d become the breadwinner for her he rarely ever was for us. Fast forward to today when he is a year behind on spousal support, and 2 months behind on a vehicle he owes more on than it is worth. Who knows what else. Trust they SUCK!!

FeralBlue
FeralBlue
8 years ago

My ex was always “jipped on his paycheck, again” when he was working. Construction season, so summer only. Jipped meaning calling in sick to work and driving to the mistress’s house. I found out exactly how often he did this after d-day (you know, when we were in wreckonciliaton) when I got 2 tickets to the tune of $300 for unpaid tolls and fines for said unpaid tolls. Couldn’t even be bothered to pay the freaking tolls, he was in such a hurry to get to her house.

At least I got reimbursement from him in the divorce settlement.

During the winter while he was getting a decent sized check from unemployment (seasonal work and all), he was constantly complaining to everyone about how hard it was to not be working and how hard I was on him for it. You mean, the hours of internet pork and trolling for hookups before leaving 20 minutes before I got home from that factory job he never respected?

This factory job has done quite nicely after I got rid of that drain on my soul.

divorceat25
divorceat25
8 years ago

Obviously, this doesn’t address the portion of cheating narcissistic who are actually good at their jobs. My ex is still in school and just starting off so there is plenty of time for him to mess up, but he has a 4.0 GPA and has done quite well in grad school. His work at the internship where his met his AP was very highly praised. Of course, he has a tendency to consider himself and “expert” on things that he has studied for 2 months (i.e. Somehow at 27 years old and without even finishing is master’s he is an expert in both Chinese domestic policy and Nepalese response to natural disasters). He tends to undervalue the skills he lacks, like speaking Chinese. But it seems to me at least that everyone is more than willing to supply him with all his kibble.

I get frustrated because people treat him like a super star, and like they can totally count on him. When I know that he is a selfish narcissist and he will turn his back and walk away when things get hard. People on his life don’t seem to see it though, and since it is all covered in a veil of actual competence I guess I can’t really blame them.

Of course, I was with him and supporting him when he wasn’t doing quite as well. I stood by him, and even rejected better offers to do my PhD because they were in universities that my ex had not gotten into (I got into some impressive places, but I didn’t consider going there because my ex couldn’t come with me). So I sacrificed a little for our marriage, and we came here and I still got a fully funded lab in a Tier 1 research University, just without very flashy name. Then, I supported us financially for the first year while he waited to get in. He finally got in, and started being a little super star and suddenly I wasn’t ambitious enough and I didn’t support him enough.

Pearshaped
Pearshaped
8 years ago
Reply to  divorceat25

I’m pretty sure CL did one of these on the super-sparkly people who are actual achievers, but I can’t remember when it was. Research time!

Sad in Seattle
Sad in Seattle
8 years ago
Reply to  Pearshaped

Mine was a super sparkly high achiever. Didn’t make him a good person deep down!

Ohana
Ohana
8 years ago

Yes, the relief of finally getting off the disordered treadmill!

My x started a side business which was the perfect cover. I encouraged him because it was his dream. What a useful source of drama and pity-inducing “stress.” Except that the seduction letter I found that triggered the third and final DDay was written on the very Saturday afternoon he had to prepare for a presentation, looked like he was going to have a breakdown and sequestered himself away for hours “working.” I remember comforting him and encouraging him that day.

Even after the truth came out, people would still express concern to me about all the stress x was under with the demands of his side business. When I said he always found time to cheat, so I wasn’t sure how much stress it really caused, they would give me looks like they were surprised I wasn’t willing to give him the consideration he deserved.

Oh, well. Not my circus any more, thank goodness!

LiningUpDucks
LiningUpDucks
8 years ago

Yes, working late….I got that, too. And all of those calls from his coworkers that he claimed were about work…..but were just him flirting and sexting.

NoFaultVictim
NoFaultVictim
8 years ago

I had the opposite problem. My STBE said I was “married to my job” because I spent 11-12 hours/day at my medical practice, and looked at work-related emails after dinner (I am my large group’s treasurer). Nevermind we went out to eat dinner together 3-4 nights/week, took luxury vacations every 2 months, and she had an unlimited allowance from my successful practice which she utilized to the fullest. My long days allowed her to shack up with her long-distance AP at mid-point cheap hotels 120 miles away. Now that’s she gone I realize how easy it is to make a decent meal for my daughter and me (I have full custody) despite working long hours, and how little my ex actual did except complain about being ignored and living “parallel lives”. (She rarely cooked; if we didn’t eat out we had takeout or frozen pizzas.) It sucks though how the “no-fault” idiocy treats breadwinning chumps as a chump all over again.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago
Reply to  NoFaultVictim

Oh how I agree! I’m paying 1/3rd of my income to the ex-ho even though she has a decent job in a cheaper place right near her AP who is paying for many of her costs. She’s also using some of the money to pay her half of our daughters college, which means I’m funding the whole education but she gets credit for it. Mine turned out to be a serious Gold Digging Leach.

Snowflake
Snowflake
8 years ago

My ahole cheater never would take any pto. I thought that strange but you cant force someone to participate in your life. After dday found out he would use pto for his affair. He would say he was off to work but never went. I never called him at work. He would come home as usual the next day. I also came to realize that him getting home an hour after he got off work probably was cheating too. Now his preferred time method of cheating is his lunch hour. It happens to be in the middle of the night! F**er!

With Brave Wings
With Brave Wings
8 years ago
Reply to  Snowflake

Snowflake, the ex could NEVER take any PTO either for anything until he started the affair. Just made me realize that he had been lying the whole time, so I wasn’t really shocked because, get this, HE IS A LIAR. That’s exactly who he is and he will never change. Her problem now.

newlifeahead
newlifeahead
8 years ago

WOW, mine had so much PTO time built up he was not earning it anymore, Why take PTO when you can get all the time you need with HOworker while you are at work and BJ under the desk or on top of the desk in her private office!

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago
Reply to  Snowflake

Snowflake, I know the pain of this all too well! He could not take even one day for his family or me, but managed to run off at the drop of a hat to spend 10 days with Schmoopie! Then it was long weekends, then it became apparent he didn’t give a shit about work and would only actually be at his workplace maybe 2 days out of the week! I feel cheated! I would make reservations for a holiday planned in advance and would have to cancel, losing money because he just couldn’t get the time off! Fucker! It stings!

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Roberta

Years I wasted waiting and wondering why he couldn’t plan a fucking thing with me and he led a double life all along.

SheChump
SheChump
8 years ago
Reply to  donna

My first red flag should have been when we quit planning trips together.
He just said…you go alone. I’m too busy working.

Tracy
Tracy
8 years ago

My husband met his whore on the proverbial out of town work trip. He went to Indiana to drop off a cattle trailer and headed to Chicago for the business trip. He met her, night one…stayed 4 EXTRA nights. Company paid for it all. He came home, amped up….I was finalizing our family vacation. Needless to say he became VERY busy at work after that. So busy he missed our family vacation. And now was working weekends. I cut hair for people he worked with…the company was very busy. I had no reason to question him. I worked from home.
Once DDay came….I got the bank statements…..the airfares, the hotels, rental cars…..all paid for by his company to get his weekly suck and swallow.
He did get stuck in Chicago one weekend. Had no money, had maxed out the company credit card and asked his company to Western Union him money to get back home. Needless to say the company grounded him for a while. Not long….from the President on down….it’s a club of cheaters. Every manager in his company had cheated on their wives and divorced and married their whores. So it’s not frowned upon. I later found out he had screwed several of his coworkers as well….
I blindly trusted him.. he was always a good provider, worked 30 years in the same company. I used to be proud of him for that. Now I realize he is just good at bullshit ting them like he was me. Faithful to a company…..nope….lied…stole….worked from home when he was really hunting….or later….screwing her.

I appreciate his job…..I get a nice alimony check for the next 4 years and the company 401K has produced BIG. Soooooo…… Keep up the good work honey!!!!

Anita
Anita
8 years ago

Yes, Whoremonger worked about 30 minutes away. Got off at six. Managed to drag home by eight or nine. Not only did that give him time to yap/stop at the whores for a fuck fest, it has the added benefit of me getting off work, picking up our preschooler, fixing dinner, cleaning, etc for three hours by myself. She was about ready for bed by the time he graced us with his presence. And despite working a full time job and taking care of our child pretty much single handedly, he and whore loved to discuss how LAZY I am. Fuck you both.

mrsvain
mrsvain
8 years ago
Reply to  Anita

damn, another thing I forgot. diablo worked every Saturday for the last 2 years at that job he got after my daughters death. I did not find out until after the divorce papers were filed that on Saturdays he got off at 2:00pm (went in at 6, left the house at 5am) but he wouldn’t get home until 6 or 7 pm at night. To this day I have NO IDEA what he did during that time. 4 hours every Saturday. until he just stopped coming home all together on Saturdays.

Michael
Michael
8 years ago

The first time my cheater cheated on me, she was jobless and I was in class getting my bachelors degree. The second time, she called in sick and cheated on me while I was at work.

When D-Day hit, I too found a certain amount of relief knowing that she had been plotting behind my back and that she cannot hurt me anymore.

Scott
Scott
8 years ago

My ex told a coworker, “what goes on at work stays at work”. Nah. I found out. Shame on her. And I made damn sure people knew her shame too. It wasn’t my issue or decision so I wasn’t going to live with it.

Kim
Kim
8 years ago

I have another “working late” cheater. He was banging his married coworker. I never got all the details but I’m pretty sure it involved a lot of quickies in her house (near their office) on lunch breaks. I’m pretty sure the physical part of the affair began on a business trip. I even remember how unavailable he was on one week-long business trip to Florida. I texted him in the evening after the days work should have been done and he didn’t respond until 2am. I asked him the next day why he responded so late, something pinged within me at that point, and he said the reception in the hotel was really bad and he didn’t even get the text until 2am. So I asked why on earth he was awake so late. He ignored the question.

I remember how he would usually arrive home at a certain time. I worked, too, but I would always be the one to pick up and drop off our daughter at daycare. He usually arrived home about the same time as me. When the affair was going on he would arrive an hour late or more, which messed up dinner plans. Never called or texted but I assumed he was stuck in traffic. I asked him to let me know if he was running late, he said he would, but it took a lot of reminding to get him to start telling me. Then a few weeks before D-Day he started telling me how late he was going to be and to do dinner on my own so I would stop at a restaurant with my daughter on the way home and eat dinner. I distinctly remember thinking “so this is what it might feel like to be a single parent. This is what it would be like to be divorced.” I don’t know why I thought that, but something deep inside probably knew.

My daughter and I do a lot of dinner dates, and it’s actually really nice to get to spend the time with her. For a 4 year old she’s a pretty adventurous eater.

SheChump
SheChump
8 years ago
Reply to  Kim

I can so relate to you, Kim. It was all those missed dinners I found eating alone (no kids). Or lunch dates quit happening. And, the traveling we used to do was gone and I was traveling alone when he used to go with me. So much was telling me there was something going on and I also felt….hmmm…I feel single (HOW AWFUL!) and it just got worse from there. Now that I’m single, well, the world is my oyster and, through this site, I found out he lost a great thing with me. His friend for 36 yrs, companion, lover, besties for sure..what a damn shame to throw all that history and family away.

Nord
Nord
8 years ago

Yep, ex trolled for women mostly at work, although he did not limit it to work – he liked to try and fuck my friends as well, it seems. But this is my fault because he was unhappy, I didn’t notice/ask enough/just wasn’t all that great at making him feel like a special bunny. Hahaha… what a twat I married. 🙂

He also was always complaining about ‘idiots at work’. Nope, they didn’t understand his greatness, his wonderfulness, his unique and unusual talents. So he kept quitting or getting fired. Oddly, he remains successful, mainly because his snow job game is top notch.

Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
Get Out Yo Seat and Chump Around
8 years ago
Reply to  Nord

“…this is my fault because he was unhappy, I didn’t notice/ask enough/just wasn’t all that great at making him feel like a special bunny…”

I love this 🙂

TP
TP
8 years ago

Working late was a common excuse but the really big excuse was “I am going out with my two friends”. They “the minions” covered for him. One minion gave me marriage advice on how to my dick head happier countless times. Now…no dick head, no minions!!!

StrongerEveryday
StrongerEveryday
8 years ago

Oh boy…every single word of this post fits. I would only add the constant play for sympathy because, you know, he was “working” so hard. Sick.

He never admitted that he wasn’t working all that time he spent away from home, even in the face of concrete evidence I had to the contrary. It continues to be one of the most maddening aspects in all of this. He refused to let go of this fake image even though we both knew the truth. Crazymaking 101.

The upside is that I was so used to doing 99.9% of child and home care that my day-to-day responsibilities changed very little when he moved out. Meanwhile, my sense of peace went through the roof. Funny how that worked out.

Nord
Nord
8 years ago

I noticed that as well. I was already doing pretty much everything so to be honest it wasn’t any extra work. If anything, it was less because he wasn’t around creating more laundry, etc.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago

Saw X last night. He came back from a long trip. He spoke to me as if he was now a genius mathematician who is going to make the next significant discovery in the realm of Big Data applied to Homeland Security. Quite an interesting conversation we had, although what I wanted to hear were news of the family, and what were his wishes regarding our relationship. I wanted to know why he still comes around once a week and acts as if he still owns the refrigerator. He behaves as the Russian Mathematician with Autism who refused the medals and $1 million…well, he surely is as impolite as him. But his workplace does not seem to appreciate his genius. That’s why he made a trip, to be interviewed for new job positions. He did not think they were good enough. He is probably going to stay where he is, and where he has been for the past 15 years. Oh, and he almost had a fight with two different people, while in the metro, and is proud to tell about it. And he wears the same old clothes over and over, he does not buy anything new.
I can’t help but feel sorry for him. What if he is unable to relate to people normally ? Or maybe he is merely a jerk.

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

ChumpfromF, he could be a high-functioning autistic person. Maybe Asperger’s? That’s what my IC suggested could be the issue with my ex, who was also very scientifically minded.

Nord
Nord
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Weird. My shrink also suggested my ex was autistic.

jenny unchained
jenny unchained
8 years ago
Reply to  Nord

My stbx wondered aloud to one of our daughters if he could be autistic because he felt no empathy for people.
There is definitely something off about him but it isn’t autism.

When our daughter asked her uncle, who is very close with his brother, if he thought her Dad was a narcissist, he replied, “no, worse than that”. When she ventured sociopath, he agreed. This, from his brother who is a lawyer experienced in dealing with criminals.

Monika
Monika
8 years ago

Jenny, that something “off” and not having empathy (or faking empathy) is called SOCIOPATHY. Ask me how I know.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I have wondered all along. But the Aspies I know are honest, not manipulative or vicious. He is definitely not kind to people.

donna
donna
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

Aspies aren’t prone to lying or cheating. While they may be highly intelligent, they are rule bound. Sociopaths, on the other hand .,.,,,

Lyn
Lyn
8 years ago
Reply to  ChumpFromF

ChumpFromF, that’s a good point. I have an Aspie family member and come to think of it, I don’t think she could be manipulative. However, there was definitely something wrong with my ex in the emotional department. Not sure if he was repressed by very strict, emotionless father from an early age, or had brain damage from multiple concussions playing sports in high school. Definitely some disconnect, didn’t really understand the concept of empathy. Very bright, though. Very hard worker. Very manipulative.

Marked711
Marked711
8 years ago

Mine was a SAHM. Even when our girls were in high school and when one went off to college. She had WAY too much time on her hands. And she really didn’t do much in the way of house work. I was the ultimate chump. She asked for the divorce two weeks after dropping our youngest at college. She had it all planned and timed exactly as she wanted. It/she sucks!

JC
JC
8 years ago

Yes, my ex worked late. She’s in public service, so there were required night meetings with the public for local projects. However, there sure were MANY such meetings the first few months of her affair…until I realized what was going on. Her AP, also in public service, was stationed down in the same location as the “public meetings.” Whether the meetings happened or not, it sure was a good way to meet up!

Also, no one would confuse my ex for a hard worker. We all have to put in extra hours (some of us all the time; others of us when the job demands extra effort.) She complained about extra effort whenever she was required to do it, and even moreso when I was required to do it at my own job. And I’d agree that we could work less and earn less — just as soon as she agreed to leave the most expensive housing market in the country.

When I complained to her about her staying up late texting her colleague (or, in her parlance, “playing card games on her phone”), she’d say that she was responding to work texts because “the work is new, and I love it, and I really really want to do a good job.”

It turned out to be doing a good job at seducing another man.
And doing a bad job at hiding her affair.
And a bad job at keeping me married to her.

To my ex, and her job well done!

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
8 years ago
Reply to  JC

They were engaging in a different kind of “service.”

5jumpchump
5jumpchump
8 years ago

I got the total work mind fuck. My ex POS whore was always ‘working’ late, overseas facility crisis, and I never saw much of her. On days when she would be home, I wanted to maximize our time together by staying in, and simply enjoying her company/dote on her, etc… Yep, after D-day a reason she gave why she cheated; I never wanted to go anywhere!!! She also took great pleasure it seems, standing over me while I booked her ‘work’ hotel reservations on my laptop… Every one of them were connected to work sponsored hook-ups. Boy the sick thrill that must have given her.

One day, she left a company newspaper open to the page that her and her co-cheaters photos were right next to each other, saying it was just coincidence. Even after D-day, she gaslit the shit out of me a bunch of times in front of my daughter, saying “mom was only going to dinner with a co-worker” (translated dad is a crazy, jealous, controlling asshole). But what do you expect from a POS who used to joke on the phone with her fellow cheater mom that my daughter called her a homewrecker… Ex POS would yuk it up with slut mom, calling herself “the happy homewrecker”… No fucking lie. Sick fucker.

I hate thinking about this. Even after 23 years of marriage, I was still excited to see her get up on weekends, help her with every aspect of her career advancement, cherish her accomplishments, support her fully because I thought we were a team. Now, if she dropped dead, the world is better off for it.

SeeTheLight
SeeTheLight
8 years ago

“The workplace is the ideal place for secret kibble production” This really resonates with me this morning. Yesterday at work, I witnessed a subordinate female employee heavily flirting up a superior married male employee with kids at home. It was almost predatory and He was eating it up. He often mentions how happy he is working 2nd shift to get away from his home. I thought, “so this is how it’s done…this is how it starts….” The married male did nothing to rebuff or re-establish the required professional code of conduct. In fact, I am sure my presence there, just toned down their antics. It made me sick, triggering thoughts of my philandering father and cheater spouse.

DeeL
DeeL
8 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

I’m watching the blossoming of an affair at work too. It’s disgusting,and it’s making me trigger badly. What I noticed was how nice the male co-worker is now. He’s happier and more apt to be a team player, whereas before it was like pulling teeth for him to do something for someone else. Ah the blush of new, butterfly in the stomach love. I think I will get him some sparkly markers so he can make little hearts on his notebook while writing the ow name all over. GAG!!!!

It’s sad to see it all play out, knowing that this is more than likely how x played it at work. I got all the left over, shitty moods at home. But at least he was happy at work. Sick motherf*ers. They deserve each other. Female co-worker is a cheater too, so it’s a match made in hell. They really do deserve each other.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

This is when I find out their wife’s details and give her a heads up. Fuck the both of those philandering pricks. Its fucking sick.

nic
nic
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

It’s so easy for a cheater to find another person with no boundaries. I was never approached at work (I was cute & much younger) because I didn’t send out the vibe. My colleague did. And she got some action. She ended up being a cheater in her marriage. She just figured men wanted her more than they wanted me, but they were cads, married and single.

There’s no skill or courting ritual needed to get laid at work – just be ready for some ruttin after the open bar at the sales meeting.

Monika
Monika
8 years ago
Reply to  SeeTheLight

oh boy, this is such psychological trigger for me! I’ve watched various co-workers and even acquaintances, do this and it’s sick to see this unfold right in front of our eyes. The first time it happened, shortly after my DD, it was almost interesting to observe how these things are indeed conducted. Both married co-workers were flirting openly in front of the entire office at a informal get together. It dawned on me then: they didn’t care who saw and heard. They just didn’t care. There was no subtle context. It was done in the open in front of the World to see.

Portia
Portia
8 years ago

If there was a way to calculate the actual $ value of a spouse I think we would all be amazed. It is hard to calculate a value for all the services a stay at home spouse provides if the working spouse had to pay for them because of the wide variety of services. Anyone who has ever spent 24/7 with an infant or toddler knows that accomplishing even small tasks is challenging. Have you ever tried to cook while comforting a sick child who wants your undivided attention and who might just require immediate attention no matter what you are doing? There was a time when my boys were small that it was a big deal to be able to take a shower, or have a minute to myself in the bathroom. So nanny, cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, accountant, personal shopper, administrative assistant and mistress in the boudoir — all those roles, and no direct paycheck or benefits. In addition — when it is time to retire, the years without income and retirement plan contributions — plus (often) unequal pay, and yet spouses that provide these benefits — some while they are working another job — are lazy? Not providing for the other spouse’s needs? Really?

Only a completely selfish ass would say “My work is MORE important” or, “What are you doing for ME, right now, and how can you do more?” I remember an argument where I was told my job was insignificant, and I had to point out that my job had paid the mortgage, utilities and groceries during the time we were “waiting” for his deals to close and his commission to come. Some of those deals never did show up. Just how can anyone be THAT self important?

Working late? Working to provide for the family? How about the travel and entertainment expense for the affair partner? How about the family and school events that were missed for the children? What was the cost of all that? How do you ever get it back?

What does a lie cost, really? Is there any compensation for the loss of trust? How do you ever reconcile the cost of a marriage dissolution? Yes, I know we “settle”. But there is never true restitution.

chumpinfrance
chumpinfrance
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia “Working late? Working to provide for the family? How about the travel and entertainment expense for the affair partner? How about the family and school events that were missed for the children? What was the cost of all that? How do you ever get it back?”

You really said it all for me with this. Me in France with our three small children watching their end of year show by myself while he was working “late shift”, and I was having to explain to the children why Daddy couldn’t be there to see them. He was with whore number four in SPAIN for two days! Fucking bastard.

What did I get from that day? The pure joy of seeing my lovely boys’ smiling faces at their show, and massive hugs and kisses from them afterwards.

And what did he get from it? Food poisoning at the hotel in Spain and a night spent shitting himself on the bathroom floor. He even had the nerve to tell me (after I’d found out everything, including photos of them on holiday together) that “it was really embarrassing”. I laughed so hard, I nearly soiled myself too. Karma, don’t you just love it?

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia –

I was a SAHM, did all the above, and also worked at different times in my life. Much, much easier to drop the kids off and go to work.

You receive immediate gratification for a job well done in the office and a paycheck to spend as you please. SAHM’s have to be patient for their rewards and account for the finances.

I commend any woman in the home. I admit there were many days at the office that I would have given up the money and the accolades for a mop and a kid.

Any person, other than a construction worker, who complained of a hard day and used it as an excuse to do nothing in the home was never a SAH mother or father. It takes grit to raise children.

Portia
Portia
8 years ago
Reply to  CalamityJane

I took care of both of my children for their 1st year — I nursed them, so I couldn’t be far away. I also ran a family business, taking them into work with me, and sometimes I had help. Those were two of the hardest years of my life — and two of the most personally rewarding. I cannot imagine how hard life was for SAHM when there was no electricity, no personal transportation, no quick trip’s to the grocery or drug store, no indoor plumbing — I don’t think I would have survived the frontier! I have great regard and respect for anyone doing that job, too!

I enjoy working outside of the home because I can have an identity of my own, and a sense of accomplishment. I also like having my own check and benefits. I could never have done it without help — and I am NOT talking about my spouse. I thank God for the babysitters, and family and friends who pitched in when I needed it most. To think that the spouse not only did not help, but also used that time (and numerous other occasions) to cheat is the worst thing to me. I was working in good faith, thinking our future was going to be provided for through a joint effort, and that we were both doing the best that we could to provide for our children and our future together. What a chump!

The betrayal is not a search for personal growth — it is a fundamentally selfish act and a pervasion of any sense of fairness. Anyone who “works late” for the family and is actually cheating deserves the karma bus. Until someone does that to them, they will never know how devastating that is.

brittneyk
brittneyk
8 years ago

If I werent no contact with my cheater, I would have copied and pasted this email to him. In the beginning of our marriage he did work over time because we needed the money. But in the end he used that excuse to spend money on his mistress in disgusting motel six. He always told me I didnt work enough hours and always found things to complain about…. The kicker? He works for a very successful factory here in the PNW and almost got canned, he had to transfer to somewhere else… and what did he say, “his supervisor was harassing him.” Little did he know my uncle working at the same place had looked at his file….. harrassment of other employees and out of his area with his affair partner…….. Isnt that always how it works with a NARC? everyone else’s fault? I think it was then I realized what a complete and total psycho he was…. nothing but a pathological liar.. and I cant figure it out… do they believe these lies? Because they certainly run with them for ridiculous amounts of time.

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
8 years ago

This is the topic I feel the chumpiest. My ex was in IT and always had to work on the network after everyone was logged off so he did a lot of work in the evening/weekend in the the basement while I took care of the kids, the house, etc. I left him sequestered in his own little porn/EA world in my own dang house for years! His infamous line that I am so glad to be rid of is”but when have I got time?” He spent our entire marriage cheating/trying to find a virtual fuck buddy so he could make money shot videos etc. He likes to claim to be married, stable family man – in reality, he sees his AP/wife for 2-3 weeks a year while on vacation (he lives in Canada/ she is in USA) and rarely sees his own children that live in the same city. Still, 6 years out, I prefer raising my children in my own but I can’t shake the “I failed my children miserably” mindset.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  PhysicsGal

PhysicsGal–I have struggled with this, too. I had an inability to focus, or to be happy, and was often so stressed from trying to please He-who-could-not-be-pleased for much of our marriage, that I have berated myself from the effect my stress had on the kids. And yet…a few months back when CL had a column about what our patronus would be, my daughter suggested mine should be “mama grizzly.” Kids appreciate more than you realize.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My kids don’t Tempest. My son actually told me in a text in January this year that he was “appalled at what I am”. That very statement brought me to my knees, in fact it is one of the many I have had thrown at me by my son. I did ask him “what am I” and he never responded because he knew he had no where to go with that absolute rot. I know that my heart will never heal over my 2 children. They were the reason I got out of bed everyday and gave 110% of myself to everything for their benefit. I hope they remember that one day. Sorry for the rant but I still cry over my kids.

brit
brit
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, I have a similar situation with my son. I devoted my life to him. Stay at home mom, volunteered in his classrooms, chaperoned school trips, sigh him up for sports, music lessons, etc. he was my life. We were close all his life until X walked out.
Ex had little to do with him until he left when our son was 16. Ex talked son into living with him and alienated our son from me. Son actually lied in court for his Dad. One lie that hurt was
the expensive luxury car X bought me for my birthday. Son lied and said he didn’t know it was my gift. I had to buy my own gift which I didn’t want which cost me over $60,000.00.
It’s been an absolute nightmare.
He has called when he’s needed something or he and his father aren’t getting along
and I’ve always been there for him financially and emotionally.
X will win him over financially or derogatory remarks regarding me, then
I won’t hear from him for months. He doesn’t return my calls or texts until the next time he needs, me.
I’ve tried everything to build a relationship with him.
After reading some of the information on this site I realized I’ve been dancing like a fool for his love and that is no way to have a relationship with anyone. There’s not doubt he knows I’m dancing, he senses my excitement when he calls, and my willingness to please and make him happy. Much like his father. I’m done dancing. I’ve been doing some serious thinking.
My relationship with my son will be distant if we have one.
The last incident in my home has opened my eyes to the ugly truth.
My dancing days are over.
Training myself now to redirect my attention on myself. So much heartache.
Sadly it’s becoming clear to me he is following in his father’s footsteps.
No respect for me, no empathy.
Hope it helps to know you aren’t alone with ungrateful children.

ItsAJourney
ItsAJourney
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

Marie and Brit, I don’t have firsthand experience of what you’re going through with your kids, but it sounds very similar to what we’ve all been through with our spouses… entitlement and selfishness. I loved my husband so much that I couldn’t fathom what he’d done; couldn’t figure out how to help him out of the pit he’d gotten into. One day, must have been when reading this blog, I realized that if I wanted to help him I had to leave him. Of course I wanted to help myself too, but it made it easier for me to move forward knowing that (by not dancing) I was providing him with the best conditions for fixing his f’d up self.

I imagine it would be the same for our children as well… or a complete stranger for that matter! By allowing the disordered to walk all over us, we are condoning and reinforcing their behavior, and downgrading our worth. If you stop dancing for your kids they will have a better chance of seeing things clearly, and developing some compassion. If they still don’t change, at least you’ll know you didn’t reinforce their abhorrent behavior. I feel so bad for you… I can’t imagine the pain. Two of my children are indifferent, and that’s painful enough. ((hugs))

Melbourne
Melbourne
8 years ago
Reply to  brit

brit, I am really very sorry to read your story. It seems many parents are being treated like us and it is sad. You are correct about the lack of respect and empathy. I do hope that your son like my 2 kids come around eventually. If not, life will still go on as it has been doing.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Melbourne

Sorry but why I typed ‘Melbourne’ is beyond me!! I should have typed Maree.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Maree, I’d be appalled at who HE is – a derelict piece of shit who thinks that his father being with a third world prostitute mail order bride is even SLIGHTLY acceptable. Projection, much?
Its the fact that no Aussie woman would want him at this current stage. And yet, your children think that’s acceptable? They are morons, and any decent person would laugh in their face at how fucking pathetic they are.

He couldn’t respond because he really DOESN’T have anything to respond with. When asked to clarify their lies further – they know damn well they are full of shit – and can’t come up with anything, because there IS nothing.
But, to narcs, its all about them and everyone orbits around them, or they rage at them. Fuck him. He’s a disgusting piece of shit.
Us decent people know that you’re a kind hard working and decent woman. Anyone who says otherwise, can go die in a hole.

He’s fucking lucky that we aren’t closer to you in real life – he’d have hell to pay if he even thought about repeating that sentence, or any other negative bullshit, in our company.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

Dear Lania, you are a gem and I appreciate your support. I don’t have a lot to say other than, I miss my kids unbelievably but when I get a young person’s perspective like yours, it actually gives me hope. I can be a cock eyed optimist at times but very rarely. I hope that one day I can post on this site that I have sorted everything out with my 2 children and that we are happy once more. I hope so.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Of course. I wish they would grow the fuck up, too. 30-somethings with toddlers’ mentality, indeed!
Thing is though, they are devoid of morals and disgusting human beings – and these types are rarely the ones who have any sort of self-introspection or think that they’re doing anything wrong – and correct their shitty behaviour.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Maree

Your children are entitled jerks who obviously take more after their father; your genes must have evaporated during their puberty. I don’t blame you for crying; their betrayal is IMHO even worse than that of your X because of your tremendous investment and love for them.

I wish you were state-side so we could chat over a margarita; it is unbelievable what you have endured. Hugs, Maree.

Maree
Maree
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh Tempest, you had me at margarita. One of my favourite drinks !!! 🙂 Yes it is a pity I live in Australia which is so far away. I went on a trip last May 2014 and there were 100 Americans and about 50 Aussies. I genuinely have never met a nice group of people than the ‘Yanks’ as you are affectionately referred to here down under. One of the loveliest young women on the trip was about 50 who I have ever had the pleasure of meeting was from California and was travelling with an elderly aunt and we would catch up at the end of the day for our gin and tonic. She was just the loveliest girl who unfortunately passed away in August. Broke my heart because life just is not fair. Excuse my ramblings but it is one of those days!!

SheChump
SheChump
8 years ago