The Mea Culpa Men
Recently, in two prominent infidelity scandals, the cheating men have come forward to explain their side, former “Try Guy” Ned Fulmer with a new podcast, and Jen Hatmaker’s ex-husband, Brandon Hatmaker, on a Substack. Is this accountability or genuine imitation naugahyde remorse?
***
In my inbox recently were requests to comment on different wayward men, but who are peddling a similar sad sausage narrative. Hey, they’re terrible sorry. Cheating was wrong…
But
Always the but. They were broken. This was hard on them, no harder really. This isn’t who they really are. Yet, instead of the usual self-serving non-apologies that most chumps receive (and are summarily fed to the Universal Bullshit Translator), these cheating men have platforms. So, what better way to recenter themselves and attempt to eclipse their ex-wive’s narratives, than to explain their unfaithfulness?
The two mea culpa men in question are former “Try Guy” podcaster Ned Fulmer and disgraced Jesus cheater and ex-pastor Brandon Hatmaker. (Whose website I just linked to, apparently run by Brandon Hatmaker himself, refers to itself as the “Brandon Hatmaker Fan Club.” Do not hate, haters. Brandon has imaginary friends.)
I would think if you were actually sorry, you might humbly respect no contact and keep a low profile. But no, these two cheating men must tell us all about how their affairs were hardest on them.
Ned Fulmer hits ‘rock bottom’
Ned Fulmer was part of the popular podcast and video empire “Try Guys.” Ned’s brand was Wife Guy. The loving dad who gushed about his family on Instagram. Posted holiday pix of his adorable children. Who called himself “@arielmfulmer’s husband” in his Instagram bio.
And… who had a double life schtupping the help. Fulmer was having an affair with a Try Guys staffer, Alex Herring. Internet sleuths sent Ariel pictures of the public canoodling. And to the other Try Guys’ credit, they shit canned Fulmer from his job.
Now it’s three years later, and he’s rebranded with his own podcast “Rock Bottom with Ned Fulmer.”
Everyone makes mistakes and podcasts
Everyone makes mistakes. Some of us – really big ones. But what comes next? Rock Bottom is a show that explores people’s lowest, most embarrassing, and challenging moments. Featuring raw, unfiltered conversations with comedians, creators, authors and celebrities, we talk about how they not only survived it all but transformed their lives. Hosted by Ned Fulmer, the ex-BuzzFeed Try Guys co-creator whose own Rock Bottom ranked #6 of Time’s Most Viral Moments of 2022, the show blends curiosity and empathy to tell stories of experience, strength and hope. Because sometimes the only way out is through…one podcast at a time
Ah, the healing power of podcasts! Forgive my churlishness, but ranking yourself #6 of Time’s Most Viral Moments doesn’t exactly telegraph remorse. But maybe Ned is on to something here. Maybe there are a lot more disgraced cheaters who need a forum to discuss how infidelity was a personal growth opportunity for them. Because we never see that IN THE REST OF THE ENTIRE MEDIA UNIVERSE.
Shameless. Anyway, the part I can’t figure out is why his chumped ex-wife Ariel was his first guest on his show. Why is she supporting this venture? Child support?
When asked if she’s forgiven Ned, Ariel’s response was brutal and rightfully so.
“The answer is no. Absolutely not. How can you forgive somebody for lying to you, for cheating on you? No, fuck no,” she said.
But you will appear on his podcast? Ariel then goes on to say that they’re “friends” for the children’s sake. Keep the checks coming, Ned.
Looking back, Ariel described their relationship as living in a “fantasy.”
“I trusted you so completely… We were just kids and it’s like, it really was a fantasy, and I think, how could you do that to me? Like, who are you?” she said.
In response, Ned spoke about why he cheated in the first place. And it’s… well, interesting.
“The dream started to break apart for me and rather than being able to talk about it or confront those feelings, I was too afraid to say how I was actually feeling and I chose to deal with the feelings I was experiencing that were really self-destructive and hurtful to you,” Ned said.
The timid forest creature. We know this mindfuck well.
At one point during the podcast, Ned described feeling “pigeon-holed” as the “Wife Guy” in the Try Guys.
“I guess I noticed that in my own work. It’s like the things that consistently drew people in were adorable family posts or talking about my wife, and then producers lean into that and like craft situations for me and over time it felt super pigeon-holed and just had to fulfil this one quadrant in a foursome to be this kind of caricature,” he shared.
You poor man. Compelled by forces greater than yourself to praise your wife and children on Instagram. No one puts Ned in a pigeonhole! Now he has his own podcast. Perhaps he’ll invite Brandon Hatmaker?
Brandon Hatmaker ‘We Are All Bigger Than Our Lowest Moment’
Brandon’s ex, Christian author Jen Hatmaker, wrote a memoir “Awake” about how her marriage fell apart after revelations of her husband’s cheating. It’s getting a lot of buzz, which must be infuriating to Brandon, who clapped back in a Substack that has 158 likes. (Which isn’t a lot for a man who has an entire fan club, but I digress.)
It’s long and the UBT isn’t awake. But I’ll hit some highlights for you.
The lowest moment of my life was my very public affair five years ago. I caused so much pain and I brought so much humiliation into the lives of people that I loved. It was the culmination of a three-year personal spiral in which I had lost my anchor, felt no hope, and was the loneliest I’ve ever been in my life.
Brandon Hatmaker
Hey, Brandon was in a lonely spiral. And whose fault is this? Can you guess?
I worried about us every day for years. I have lists still on my phone of things I tried to do daily, I initiated conversations but we just couldn’t find a common language, I went to counseling (alone) for three years prior to my affair, I felt invisible in my marriage, and I kept spiraling until there was no lower place to go. Jen and I eventually went to a handful of therapy sessions together – but to be honest – it was too late.
To have an affair was extremely new to me and not who I truly am. I had completely lost myself. My anger had turned to resentment, which turned to entitlement. There’s no affair story that isn’t gross, or secret, or deceptive. Mine was no different. I was in the middle of giving up and trying not to. And then I did.
If you guessed, Jen, his wife, you guessed correctly. This isn’t who he IS! He’s a guy who goes to therapy for three years BEFORE he cheats. As shouldn’t he get some credit for that? He tried, but he was invisible, like a ghost passing through walls. Who wants to reach out, but doesn’t live on this material plane.
Anyway, Brandon is just trying to give you guys CONTEXT.
Let me be clear about something, I understand what it means to sit in the consequences of my actions. In no way do my circumstances excuse my actions. The purpose of this article is not to make excuses or rationalize anything, The purpose is to simply add context to a handful of areas where the vast majority, and nearly every new follower, is missing.
So much context. So very little sorry.
Why is everyone suddenly “sitting” in or with their feelings and “sitting” in consequences these days? Chat GPT Essay Checker?
Whatever the case, I can’t get the image of a full diaper out of my mind. Just in case CL is looking for new cartoon inspiration… 😉
LOL me too. The baby imagery is as apt as the large steaming pile of poo imagery of the FWs and all that they reap.
Right? 😀
When will these people learn that the path to redemption lies through taking responsibility for your actions, accepting the consequences without complaint, acknowledging the harm that you have done, making amends and becoming (and staying) a better person? Starting a Podcast and whining like a selfish, self-centred little b*tch is not the path that they should be looking for, even if it is the only way that you can monetise your miserable existence.
Also, anyone who uses the phrases “It’s not what it looks like” or “That’s not who I am” can f*ck right off; it is exactly what it looks like and that is exactly who you are.
Morons.
LFTT
The cheaters who really get steam erupting from.my ears are the Jesus Cheaters who spin forgiveness as a duty and the ” Devil” as the cause of their indulgence at the sex buffet, and the subcategory of cheaters, most often men, who cloak themselves in performative good works, uber religiosity and a clear message that they deserve forgiveness and reconciliation. My effwit wife’s affair partner took it to extremes with spending.most of his retirement years doing every kind of labor in the grounds of his church, taught Sunday school, was on every committee imaginable and, wonder of wonders was a marriage counselor to couples planning to.marry. I wonder how that went??!! However, he never reached out to seek my forgiveness as part of his atonement. In my book, you make a clear, unambiguous apology to the person you harmed as the most.important step in penance on the path to forgiveness.
The whole Jesus cheating thing just fries me. It’s as if they just decide some of those commandments about adultery, bearing false witness and coveting JuSt DoN’T AppLY to MEEEEEE because Jesus forgives all sinners. Um, maybe.
Don’t want to take the ride, don’t buy the ticket. One of the most perplexing things about this is how they ever justify crossing that line. Coming up against the line, sure. But crossing it? Different story.
They will never learn, as they are incapable of self reflection and self recrimination like healthy people. And I use “healthy” with a grain of salt. None of us are perfect, but you don’t have to be perfect to choose NOT to betray your partner and family, if that applies. Everyone knows it’s wrong to do, but the people that choose to do that…something seriously wrong with them.
“None of us are perfect, but you don’t have to be perfect to choose NOT to betray your partner and family, if that applies.”
In hindsight, the FW was so emotionally abusive long before I knew he was cheating. He wasn’t a great husband. He had his good days, but overall, he truly made my life worse on the daily because he had me walking on eggshells and I just had NO peace at home. Technically, you’d think all it would take to completely woo me would be for someone to just be moderately nice. Like oh hey, the mailman smiles and says hello everyday and never raises his voice at me? I’m in love. Yet, somehow *I* never cheated on that absolute nightmare of a human.
Well said!
you are what you do. simple as.
this morning i woke to a memory of how, in the final months of my mirage, the X, a barbeque guy, refused to even close the BBQ after a session. you know how you leave the lid open until it cools, then clean and close the BBQ up after dinner?
“i will grill the meat, i am a man, but i will not clean/close the BBQ because i’m so much better than that.”
#entitled
I opened the pricey smoker that he wanted and used exclusively early this BBQ season and discovered that he hadn’t cleaned it at the end of last season. He’s gone now and so is the (cleaned by me) smoker.
Damnit….
My father taught me that if ever I used a tool or implement (regardless of what kind of tool it was), then it should be cleaned meticulously and then put back where it belonged once they had finished with it ….by the person who used used it.
By contrast, I suspect that your X/BBQ Guy was relying on the “Cleany Uppy Fairies.”
LFTT
Yep – lazy twat. I work with a load of older guys in an industrial setting who would tear him a new one for that kind of shite.
I learned from my artist parents how to repair, repurpose or recycle almost everything. I think it was their idea of service to God to leave any place and the world in general in better shape than they found it. Consequently, my creative conception of purgatory is having to spend a thousand years or eternity personally cleaning up the pollution and mess we contributed to during our time on earth.
Basically I could be richer than Croesus but I’d still be programmed to think that letting things go to ruin and unnecessarily replacing is a crime. It just seems spoiled, trashy and ecologically destructive.
But this wasn’t because my parents didn’t like high end things. The good stuff lasts forever and usually comes back in vogue every few decades.
HoaC,
My Father (and his Father before him) were not wealthy by any means. Both worked with tools (Grandfather was a builder and Father was a Cabinet Maker and Draftsman) and one of the few “luxuries” that they allowed themselves was to buy the best tools that they could afford and then look after them.
In their minds, not looking after a good tool would be plain disrespectful to the tool itself and the person that made it.
LFTT
Hah, I used to say FW acted like the fairies cleaned up after him.
At least they are admitting their actions. In my case, the FW’s double life has remained secret. He has never acknowledged his harmful behavior, let alone had to defend it. He has played the victim since chucking his family, by lying. He has denied me and his children even simple acknowledgment that we exist or that we have a right to speak in the world. His narrative prevailed and there has been no debate or opportunity to defend myself or for people to choose a side. Our family and friends swallowed his lies whole.
Same.I found the dating apps, found the messages setting up the dates, found the date blocked off on the calendar…but he is still lying. Now he says that he cannot be married to me because I’ve “crossed the line” so many times since DDay, and just because he did “one thing” (serial cheating and lying throughout the entirety of our marriage is the ‘one thing’) I don’t have the right to say and do whatever I want. What I did was tell his mom, which infuriated him. But she suffered the same treatment from his father, so she wasn’t surprised. Over time she’ll hate me and blame me as he turns everyone against me, but I’m zen with that, it’s a small price to pay for my freedom from him.
How are you and your kids unable to poke holes in his lies? Did you sign a NDA or gag order?
I’m honestly asking because I’m out there speaking the truth about my life no matter how badly exH wants me to shut up and cover for him.
I had very few people to tell my story to. He waited until we’d moved to a new country to abandon us, so we weren’t in a familiar community and were isolated. I couldn’t exactly lead off with my abandonment story when meeting new friends.
He persuaded his family never to talk to me or answer my texts or emails. I tried writing to them all! They — all but one — stopped writing to or seeing the children as well. Other friends, he got to first, and they stopped having anything to do with me and I never have seen or heard from them since. Others couldn’t deal with the effort of sifting through two completely different narratives and having to decide who was telling the truth, so they distanced themselves. The children were in new schools. So first we were isolated by a move to a different country, then the smear campaign delivered the coup de grace. People turned their backs on us and just didn’t want to listen to my crazy and upsetting story.
In the beginning, the first two years or so, I tried to tell people what had happened, but very few of them could let go of his story that they’d heard first. At best they became very confused.
Yes, his lawyer also tried to get me to sign an NDA. I didn’t, though.
And he abandoned us soon after moving the family and took off, so he wasn’t around for people to observe what he was doing or question him.
The reality of his years of sex workers and “embezzling” money—he lived large on imaginary “business trips” while I was the primary wage earner and raised the kids— is a secret no one but Chump Nation and my lawyer know. After D-day He went full sad sausage, blamed the drinking, went to AA & met someone then bought a giant house in her home town—-across the country! Our culture supports the narrative of I love you I’m not in love with you, so I deserve to be free. He gets a younger wife appliance and a giant mansion and I have to give up 1/2 my home and 1/2 my retirement bc we are divorcing in a community property state. He didn’t save for his retirement and I never knew. The betrayal is absolute: emotionally, sexually, financially
That’s the model I had too.
No admission of anything let alone any faked regret.
And yep- people believed it all.
Unless you’re standing next to them and filling in the blanks/actively editing the narrative, having the FW acknowledge what they did doesn’t always deliver the impact and justice that it should. Ex gets around it by trickle and out-of-context truths from what I heard from one ex gf he talked his way into post divorce. That tracks, since it was his MO when we were married. Honestly, it’s the best and most convincing way to lie, since it’s not entirely a lie and can be said with conviction. Say enough and leave out the most vile parts, and unfortunately there will always be someone around to say “aw, you poor thing”.
Urg, if it weren’t for kids in common, in your shoes I’d be so sorely tempted to invent evidence of the most absurd offenses like, “Don’t believe me? You can look at the stash of animal stag films he had stored in a vault app. Seriously– hours and hours of goats and baboons fucking. Have you ever heard of such a thing? Then there were the circus animal mating videos and insect bestiality… men ejaculating into ant farms and termite hills. I can’t even…”
I’d let the Swiss goon squad decide I was nuts until someone finally confronted me over these tall tales and then I’d laugh my head off and say, “Yeah, they believed my ex that I fabricate allegations so why not be hung for a sheep?”
Anyway, if it feels good don’t do it. But oh my that would feel good. 😉
Oh my gosh, yes! I would have given anything for my husband to go public with an admission of what he did when we were separated. I would still like for him to own up to what he did, now 2 years divorced. We led a very public life but instead of acknowledging his betrayal en masse he went individually, quietly to key people to get ahead of the narrative first, painting me out as bitter and crazy.
No way he would admit to his culpability. It all got covered up and he’s still working in the same role, and about to marry someone new – whom he started dating the minute our divorce was final. Life is good for weasels who are super good at wearing masks!
Mine never admitted anything and told his family and his attorney that I was a dangerous nutjob.
Ultimately, his own attorney figured it all out and, in some ways, turned against his client. That was my closure.
Add Kristin Cabot — the Coldplay concert OW — to the mix. A “friend” is telling the media that it wasn’t an affair at all, that she was separated, that she was just buddies with that guy who had his hands all over her chest.
Her kids are traumatized,
sheher friend wants us to know. And that’s everyone else’s fault, not hers. I guess she won’t be doing the mea culpa, but the result is the same: it’s always everyone else that’s to blame.Yeah, just couldn’t wait until her divorce was final to start screwing her married boss…
Despicable
SHE is responsible to her children (and their Father) NO ONE ELSE1
The way they contort themselves to blame others is ridiculous. And so many of them do it. If you are cheating, you might get caught. If you get caught, it is likely to harm your children.
Now, I will allow that most people don’t go to a concert expecting to be on the jumbotron AND then have that footage go viral overnight. But they went to a concert at a venue that holds roughly 70,000 people. And they canoodled. Nevermind the jumbotron, anyone could have seen them. I go to concerts sometimes. Sometimes I run into someone I know. More frequently, the next day I see lots of posts on social media that alert me that a bunch of people I know were there.
All this to say don’t cheat on your spouse and your kids won’t be traumatized by finding out that you cheated on your spouse.
Ah, the monetization of poor life choices. I can’t listen to podcasts or any of this self-help, positive psych stuff. Using therapy speak that is devoid of context and understanding makes my skin crawl. Save your trauma and insights for the therapist’s office.
“monetization of poor life choices…” That’s a good one! Bravo!
Why don’t these guys just own it? Deep down inside, they’re proud of what they did. They got off on it. It was the ultimate ego boost. I think that’s why they lie and deny. It’s their special moment and they don’t want to share that with some lowly chump. They bask in their centrality. These public apologies are clearly PR stunts and attempts to rebrand to keep the money rolling in. For ordinary chumps, fuckwits’ attempts at taking responsibility or going to therapy are no different. They are a means to an end, and the end is always about the fuckwit reclaiming their centrality.
Yeah, the couples therapist we saw (not for long because of course my FW stopped going to therapy, he had his reasons for cheating and don’t judge him, just understand it!) told him early on, when he was sitting there in all his shame and remorse and making some grandiose excuse #200, “I think it was all about your ego.” He stopped what he was trying to say and just gave her the deer in headlight look. Blink Blink. He didn’t know what to say. It’s all about impression management and having fun…while hurting those you claim to “love”. 100% self serving behavior and they don’t give a damn who they hurt, Cheater Just Want To Have Fun!
Fuck cheaters. Male or female, these people are diabolical, self serving jerks!
(If there is a rare cheater out there that has truly repented, been truly remorseful and changed their ways to be a good person and has never done that again, then you are excluded from my rant above. Those people are rare, but I suppose there are some out there.)
Pardon my spiel but what you wrote just set off some “deep thoughts” on a Tuesday lol.
I don’t think abusers even know why they do it. Yes, the crotch wants what the crotch wants but whenever I see the state of the typical garden variety AP, I end up scratching my head and asking why the crotch wants– ick– that? And when you learn the real details of most affairs (the fighting, the mutual manipulation, lying, blackmail and abuse, etc.), it’s even more mystifying.
But I think that’s the mistake I’ve always made in viewing abusive personalities– the idea that they go from victim to victim to victim and that victimizing is the main theme in their existences. But what if, instead, the more constant theme in the lives of abusers is being eaten by bigger sharks than themselves or at least seeking out those bigger sharks?
In that sense, abusers’ spells of partnering with and abusing relatively innocent people are like “breaks” or vacations from their overall careers of eating shit. it would also explain why they have so little empathy for their victims’ suffering. It’s like the dark side of the Golden Rule where the abuser reasons,”Hey, if I can eat mountains of shit, so can you…”
If you think about it, it may not even be explicit masochism that drives abusers to seek out bigger abusers but the fact that they require “love bombing” and, as it happens, the only people who are good at love bombing are abusers. But, on the other hand, I think abusive types are seeking out the entire drama cycle because it feels familiar.
In any case, the choices of affair partners so often don’t make any sense that I’m convinced it’s some kind of reenactment compulsion where they’re driven to enmesh themselves with people who closely resemble whatever childhood role model turned them into walking abortions to begin with. And what better place to find a sick and twisted f*ck than among the types who’d bang a married or committed person, especially one with children? The side piece market is pretty much a “Dysfunctional Sick F*ck” certification system (lol, a bit like USDA’s National Organic Program except for guaranteed arsenic, lead and chromium 6 content).
Traditionally, the above was the general theory about victims of abuse– that they subconsciously “seek out” or “draw in” abusers who resemble some abusive role model from childhood. The problem with applying this theory to victims of abuse is that, statistically speaking, survivors of domestic abuse come from all walks and all backgrounds and, all told, tend to be indistinguishable from the general population.
But I figure the moldy old blamey theory is a projection fabricated by misogynistic/abusive social scientists (abusive personalities tend to cluster in helping/rescuing professions) when, in fact, it’s mostly true of abusers themselves. Statistically speaking, the “Looking for Mr./Ms. Goodbar” fits abusers who overwhelmingly come from abusive and dysfunctional backgrounds. But, since many abusive personalities are actually aware their backgrounds sucked, I suspect that many abusers tend to waffle back and forth between repeating past mistakes and trying to change generational patterns.
For instance, choosing a genuinely loyal, reliable chump as a partner may be a passing attempt to break the cycle by partnering with someone who’s the most extreme departure from an abusive past role model. But the problem is that trying to live up to that healthier model and suppressing toxic impulses would become taxing after a time.. It gets tiring wearing that mask and these types eventually long to let their hair down and “be themselves” and, consequently, start hunting for others with the Sick F*ck certification stamp again.
But, of course, if you lie down with dogs you invariably get up with fleas and these abusive types eventually get tired of being burned and, rinse repeat, start hunting for the loyal chump type again.
Anyway, food for thought. I don’t think most abusers can really face the idea that, deep down, they’re trying to fuck their toxic dads or mommies or pervy Uncle Earnies in order to make those past scenarios work out differently. I don’t think they can face how they themselves have become carbon copies of the worst people from their pasts either because they internalized the abuse.
That’s not a sad sausage bid for amnesty since I don’t think of people like this as real survivors. I think they’re just trauma zombies who lurch around eating brains and tormenting the living.
Jesus called it when he said, “Ye shall know them by their fruits…”
Weeds don’t produce roses.
And there it is. He went to counseling for three years and still chose to destroy his marriage and family. His anger turned into resentment and his resentment into entitlement. He, him, and himself.
This explains why the four years of therapy I endured with Cheaty had no effect. He felt entitled to his anger and resentment because he has zero ability to self assess. All of his issues are external. And when I stopped fawning and started demanding accountability, I became issue number one.
To FWs and other narcissistic types, therapy just gives them the language to become better manipulators.
“It’s not who they are??” It’s EXACTLY who they are! All ego, all ‘them’.
A few days ago, I stepped back into my old church santuary where Ex holds court… to watch my grandchildren singing. I don’t go in there and joined another community…but then GRANDMA!! I did not spot cheater and wife tress…
After the service, happy to be in the old crowd, surrounded by friends and family…chatting it up in the back row…suddenly I feel a chill, and theee 2 feet behind me and right behind my daughter- in – law is my restraining orders, No CONTACT for 3 years…with a plastic bag in his hand. I glancedans turned back to my friend who told me to breathe and look at her, but not to run away. I did what she said until she said he was GONE. He had brought a bag of apples to my DIL from the 2 apple trees in my former houses garden….THEY NEVER GO AWAY just reinvent themselves as wounded warriors and NOT THATAWFULGUY. Don’t believe the lies. Cover your ears and your eyes. Snakes bring apples too.
How creepy! I’m glad you had a friend there to help you deal with that.
At face value I see the simple beauty of something like these-“here’s what I did, don’t mess up like I did.” The cautionary tale-the real locker room “here’s my sorry tale and why I deserve this hell.” If it could keep ONE person from making a bigger mistake than they were going to take…
Sadly neither of these really qualify.
As my Grandmother liked to remind me, “Everything before ‘but’ is bullshit.”
Let’s start with Mr. Hatmaker here.
He went to therapy for three years…and still cheated! I will assume for a second that his therapist was worth their salt (it’s easier to imagine that he washed out of new therapists every 3 months “when they weren’t helping him” when he was singularly focused on himself and his gratification, but I digress.) Was that just three years’ worth of co-pays bitching about why he wasn’t happy in his marriage? No homework? No books to read? No strides toward better communication/self-improvement?
The information is for “added context.” Look buddy, if you have remorse, if you want to chance? We don’t need your context. We need you to sit with your discomfort and tell us why every day is a struggle because of a choice that you selfishly made to traumatize other people. Why three years of therapy didn’t work because you were dodging accountability somewhere else in your life already. Add THAT context, not “here are the reasons it was justified and why I thought I was special enough to get away with it”. Criminals do that.
Trust me-you aren’t at rock bottom. Where you are and have been you can’t even imagine what the bottom looks like. This idiot clearly remembers what sunlight looks like. People at rock bottom can’t afford podcasting equipment or have the cognition needed for guest speakers.
As for the “Try Guys”(the HELL is a Try Guy? Sounds like a Bible Camp Rap Group…)..guy…”he was pigeonholed into being that guy that loved his family.” I was actually buying his narrative until THAT part. (Chris Rock voice) “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE YOUR FAMILY, YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER!” Seriously, I was almost excited at the premise of what he was doing until “the producers of our web show thing MADE ME CHEAT because I was tired of being ‘the nice one.'” That actually made what you did, you know…worse. On reframe, “I was good at something at work and that made me get divorced.” What kind of weak willed narrative is that? If nothing else there goes your credibility on…anything you do publicly.
You know, I’m not a typical consumer by any means. My time is valuable (so is yours!)-my leisure/drive time is more so-I do not picture myself cutting into my East Asian Hip hop playlists to listen to these morons rationalize their bad decision making…just doesn’t sound like a good use of my time. Trying to get into the headspace of somebody who might listen to them…”guy that got kicked off of a podcast that started another to explain why they ruined their homelives” is a still a little bit of a hard sell. If I wanted to see dipshits lie…(insert sarcastic comment about current affairs here.)
Stay Mighty!
My marriage was a mess for years. My ex was an addict with significant mental health issues for over half of the twenty-seven years we were married. His go-to strategy when we were fighting was to say that he was going to leave and/or divorce me. Needless to say, the conflict resolution skills weren’t there. He was a workaholic on top of everything and really wasn’t engaged much. I did what I could to involve him, but he was mostly in his own world. After he left and the first graduation came around, my oldest said that Dad wasn’t invited, saying, “After all, you were the one who raised me.”
And I didn’t cheat. Any thoughts of that were immediately rejected because I was committed and am not a liar. My attorney probed all that early on, and so it was. I am an own-up, show-up person, period.
So I don’t get these people who cheated and then wallow around in it publicly. Context really doesn’t matter to me. You cheated, deal with it and be decent to your STBX/ex and your kids.
Wallow publicly = impression management opportunity. It’s SHOWTIME!
I think he had AI write it.
Oh no- consequences.
But but those are for those really bad people- not for me.
I wasn’t myself.
I had whatever bs I’m going to make up wrong with me.
I lost my favourite pair of polka dot socks.
I had my shirt on backwards.
Everyone was being mean to me.
I’m a good guy- HONEST.
“The purpose of this article is to make excuses and rationalize everything. In fact, it’s the purpose of my life. So my life does have purpose and meaning after all. I am no longer the invisible man.”
Fixed it for him.
Ah yes. Context is so vital to understand why the FW had any particular transaction or encounter with any particular betrayal object. My two personal faves were: She wanted to see what my hotel room looked like.(so of course, we went to my hotel room) And this one: We had a laptop in the car with us, so that 500 mile road trip up the California coast and the late – night dinner in Sausalito was for work. Context makes it all so understandable, right? News flash: You chose to do what you did and now there are consequences. And you do not like the consequences. You are cast in a poor light. You chose this when you did what you did. No sympathy from me. So glad I stopped buying those cons and don’t have him in my life or head anymore.
I read that Ned and his wife are separated but “are not focused on a piece of paper right now.” I want to warn chumps that this is a very risky way to think of things. If you don’t get divorced you can be liable for any financial misdeeds of your spouse. I found this out the hard way. Someone who is a liar is generally dishonest in multiple areas of their life. I found out that my ex hid assets during the marriage and even after we were divorced, the IRS came after me for nearly $90,000 in back taxes! All for money I never saw or knew about. It took years and much of my savings paid to attorneys to fight the case. Luckily I won my case, but it has been a horrible experience. My hard-won advice is get divorced when you find out that your marriage is over. Things only get worse when you stay and give your spouse an opportunity to screw you over further.
“In no way do my circumstances excuse my actions.”
Such expert distancing language. “My circumstances”. Oh brother.
This is one of the very few times I’ve commented on this site but it was a daily read and a saving grace for me during my absolute darkest times many years ago. My mind was obsessed with making sense of the insanity I was experiencing in real time and reading the material here over and over again was not only necessary but soothed me to sleep for years…and I do mean YEARS! The snarky humor was my only real source of laughter. Incredibly hard times.
As someone who experienced the reality of a personality type much like this Hatmaker manchild (self-consumed and sad sausage!), I could not help myself but follow the storyline of his nonsense over the past few years as the similarities to my own experience are uncanny. They all really do follow the same scripts and patterns (to varying degrees) that Chumplady outlines and explains so brilliantly. They do not change and their pathology is ZERO reflection upon us.
But here is the gem!! After many years of working through my own experience and clearing my traumatized lense (ex marrying the OW lesbian gym rat, my own childhood, marrying my mother, yada, yada), I am liberated beyond words!
I would have NEVER believed that I would feel the way I do today when I was literally fighting to pick myself up from rock bottom! PLEASE keep the faith, choose yourself daily, get a fantastic therapist, read this blog and know that Tuesday is coming! I promise.
I so appreciate Chumplady and all of the Chumps here who literally saved me so many times for so long. Thank you all!