Dear Chump Lady
Please help me. My husband has had an affair with his co-worker for almost two years. I found out 12 months ago when she texted anonymously to tell me my husband had to tell me something.
I guess she thought I would kick him out then and there (I should have), but I didn’t based on 20 years of a loving and happy marriage, our children and that he’d never lied/cheated before. I was in shock. I was devastated. I was scared.
So off I went to do what I now know was the pick me dance.
OW uped the ante and announced she was pregnant. This later ended on miscarriage or so I was told. I was beside myself thinking my kids would be subjected to a half sibling with this horrible deceitful woman. I had never felt such pain or despair.
My husband assured me the whole time I was his best friend and soul mate. He convinced me it was all a giant mistake.
I desperately wanted to believe him but this strange sick feeling never left me. I was so hurt and betrayed.
He reassured me and our kids he was never leaving. Until I found out by seeing photos that he’d spent Mother’s Day on a secret holiday. I kicked him out. He cried and promised he’d never hurt me again. I let him back. I found OW in my bed a few weeks later. Once again he cried, I cried, I kicked him out, I let him back.
Things had been ok for the last 8 months or so. I thought perhaps I could stuff my hurt feelings down and get on with life. I loved my family and my husband deeply. I could get over this eventually!
I faked my way through Christmas and a family holiday. It was nice being all together.
Then the nuclear bomb dropped. She’s 6-plus months pregnant. He made a mistake several months ago and felt taken advantage of. That was it. He said last time he would see her. It was a “turning point that this shit was over and done with.”
How do I accept this is it? She’s chipped away at my front door for two years. He never locked it. I feel she has purposely gotten pregnant as a way to force his hand. She doesn’t believe in termination because you know, Christian values and all.
So now despite my husband saying he loves me, I have to divorce him. How do I face the unbearable reality that my husband has fathered a child with another woman. My kids share a sibling with the woman who destroyed their family. I am so broken. After two years I am a shell. I miss my life before this nightmare. How do I pick myself up and cope with this??
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
Dear Chump Baby,
You don’t divorce him because the OW “forced his hand” — that’s pick-me dance thinking — you divorce him because he’s a cruel, unrepentant motherfucker with a double live and you’ll be goddamned if you’ll model this dysfunction to your children another second.
Find your mighty and GO.
Your D-Day was a year ago. Since that time your “best friend and soul mate” has continued the affair, with grand flourishes of sick abusiveness. Vacations with DramaTwat on Mother’s Day? Fucking in YOUR BED?
You might think this is all the OW — it was HER idea! She put him up to it! And she may well have — but he is a willing participant in this flagrant ONGOING abuse of you.
And DramaTwat didn’t get herself pregnant. He’s having unprotected sex, and having it AFTER a pregnancy scare. He lives in a magical reality of how babies are made and diseases are spread.
He convinced me it was all a giant mistake.
This sentence is its own column. He convinced me. Sorry people don’t try to convince you. They DO better. Manipulators try to convince you.
He knew you wanted to believe. He knew that you were vulnerable — a deep investment in him, a long marriage, your family, your stability. He knew this hope was deep, and he PLAYED you with that knowledge. And of course, his abuse made you MORE vulnerable. More in need of stability and security.
it was all a giant mistake
Mistake singular. Always the solitary whoops.
No, it was a deliberate and protracted campaign of abuse. His wandering dick comes first. His entitlement is supreme. He doesn’t care about you or DramaTwat or his children, or this pregnancy. It’s all about HIM. Everything else is lies and impression management.
How do I know? By his actions.
He’s continued his double life and given you the window dressing of a fancy vacation. As if you could be easily bought.
It was nice being all together.
Was it? Was it really? Or was it the momentarily cessation of abuse. Was it the lifting out of acute trauma and being fed the dream, so you’d invest further. Oh, here’s our intact family doing family things! I WANT THIS! Here’s my devoted husband! I WANT THIS!
The price? Stuffing all that abuse down into the recesses of your soul and being hypervigilant until the next episode.
Aka, the Cycle of Abuse. Incident, Honeymoon, Tension, Incident. Rinse, repeat.
The rewards are every bit as calculated as the abuse. Stop thinking of this as a poor formerly honest man caught up in a whirlwind love affair with a wily temptress and starting seeing the ABUSE. He’s not confused — he’s doing EXACTLY WHAT HE WANTS and he doesn’t care who gets hurt.
How do I accept this is it?
By recognizing that the relationship is NOT acceptable. You’ll be goddamned he’ll treat you this way. Find your anger. Let it motivate you out the door to a lawyer.
How do I face the unbearable reality that my husband has fathered a child with another woman. My kids share a sibling with the woman who destroyed their family.
Stop thinking of him as your husband. Soon he’ll be your ex husband so his relationships won’t be your problem. So get him on the hook for child support before DramaTwat gets there first.
I know, you’re in the early super painful days, and my GET MAD advice isn’t what you want to hear, but I’m telling it to you straight. I don’t want you to suffer. So the sooner you get yourself to safety and go no contact with the Clusterfucks, the better for you and your kids.
How they navigate the relationship with their half-sibling is their lifelong business. It’s not that child’s fault it’s being born. Poor thing, it will have a couple of fuckwits for parents. At least your kids have you, so be the sane parent and model resilience. Sticking around for more Clusterfuck drama is NOT the sane parent path.
Take yourself out of the equation — then the OW will have to painfully learn what life is like without you as the hypotenuse. Let her have the unfettered joy of a cheater. A man who doesn’t give two shits about her kid, any more than he gives two shits about yours. (You don’t believe me? Tell me how the divorce talks go on child support. Also, good fathers don’t live double lives.) But, but! 20 years! I know you’re reading this reviewing all the happy times.
He’s a stranger. A man with a double life. You have no idea what he was up to during those 20 years and it’s probably worse that you know. People just don’t morph into double-life freaks in midlife. This is his character. It’s who he is — a giant Id of pure entitlement. He’s okay hurting you. That’s who he IS. He feeds you pretty words of sorry so he can keep hurting you. That’s who he IS.
My kids share a sibling with the woman who destroyed their family.
With their father. Who destroyed the family. Because he doesn’t care about family. Yours or hers.
If your kids have any bond with this sibling, it will be solidarity in having a piece of shit as a father.
I miss my life before this nightmare. How do I pick myself up and cope with this??
We all miss the lie. The dream we bought in to. You cope by building a new life and dreaming new dreams. The whole Gain a Life thing is a ways off, first you need to work through the Leave a Cheater part.
He broke you. He likes you broken. Reject him. Go see a lawyer today. (((Hugs))