UBT: 12 Lessons I Learned From Cheating

Yawn. Another article in which a cheater tells us the cheating was worth it because of the Valuable Life Lessons They Learned. Our UBT fodder for today comes from Scary Mommy as “12 Lessons I Learned from Cheating,” by Parker Barrett.

It’s simply too long to UBT the whole mess, so for the purposes of satire and brevity, I’m skipping the pre-amble and doing some of the lessons today and more on Wednesday. (You’ve got until NOON today EST to get me your Valentine’s poetry!)

Without further ado, the Universal Bullshit Translator…

here are some basic rules, both good and bad, that always apply.

ALWAYS? What are these, laws of physics?

I know it may be hard, but try to set all judgment aside (see No. 1 below) and look at some of the practical lessons I learned:

The UBT always (always!) loves it when cheaters PUBLISH things PUBLICLY and then demand that no one judges them. Behold! They have wisdom to impart!

If you’re going to be, or have been, an asshole, isn’t that something best kept to yourself? The UBT thinks the segment of cheaters who are actually sorry would not in fact publish self-serving treatises demanding total acceptance of their bullshit.

1. People Who Judge You for Cheating Have Never Cheated
My ego wants to say, “If you haven’t done it, don’t judge it,” but the fact is, I totally get it. Once upon a time, I thought I understood the rules of relationships. Eventually, some of my friends in committed relationships were unfaithful to their partners (often partners I had grown to love like my friends). When my friends shared their experiences with me, I saw that cheating—like relationships—has a good deal of gray area, and through that, I learned that life does too. There are two sides to every story.

If you haven’t committed incest, don’t judge it! If you haven’t stolen money from the collection plate, don’t judge it! If you haven’t bullied a few gay kids in your life, don’t judge it! You don’t know the secret pleasures of stuffy sissy boys in lockers. Suffocating ones victims has a good deal of gray area, and so does life itself. There are two sides to every story! You could ask the pansy yourself, but as he’s stuffed in a locker, he is unavailable for comment.

2. Yes, It’s the Best Sex of Your Life (But There’s a Twist)
Or, better said, it’ll seem like the best sex of your life at the time. Everyone says it’s the illicit rendezvous, the secrets, the newness that make the sex so amazing, and to a degree, that’s true. But that fades over time. What made the sex truly hot for me was the exploration and connection I found with my lover, both of us freed from inhibition. And that was golden, because it made me grow sexually. Here’s another bonus: You’ll take that with you into your current relationship or future one, making the sex, and your satisfaction, even better.

The UBT is certain that your ex, for whom you later profess such regret for cheating on, is simply thrilled to learn that cheating on him made you “grow sexually.” (Maturity and integrity-wise? Not so much.) What conveys your remorse better than a published article announcing The Best Sex of Your Life?

Lov-ahs! Freed from inhibition! Sex so amazing it’s cut off blood flow to your brain and made you unable to form original sentences! Must…. talk… in… cliches!

What made the sex totally hot for you was your sociopathy.

3. Mind-Blowing Sex Has Risks
Doing things you never knew you could (or never even knew existed) is enough reason to justify just about anything … in the moment. Yes, even the possible destruction of a marriage or family—because in the throes of passion that’s the furthest thing from your mind. But that lapse in judgment usually leads to sloppiness—leaving sexts on your phone that your wife finds or skipping birth control and getting knocked up, all of which often has one huge repercussion: getting caught. My affair, long ended, stayed a secret, but most don’t. So if you’re going to play the game, accept that you’re probably going to get caught, and it could very likely be the end of your relationship, or cause long-term alienation from your family. If that happens, I guarantee those mind-blowing orgasms will probably not feel like they were worth it.

But as I didn’t get caught (because I’m special like that), it was worth it.

The risks here are sloppiness and what people might think of you. (Don’t judge!) Breaking your partner’s heart and destroying children’s intact family? Their pain? Bitch, please.

The One Huge Repercussion? “Getting caught.”

4. A Cheating Spouse Is a Liar, But Their Spouse May Be Lying to Themselves, Too
If you and your partner don’t have sex anymore (sex drives don’t just disappear forever!), if your spouse becomes distant or starts working late or going out with new friends a lot, these are telltale signs of cheating. So is coming home showered from the gym or starting to use device passwords. I’m convinced my lover’s wife didn’t want to know he was having an affair, because he was guilty of many of the signs above. Did she know it in her gut? I’m not sure. You can shut off your instincts if you want to. But lying to yourself about your relationship will catch up to both of you. And sooner or later, one of you needs to find the courage to admit it so you can confront your problems, and ideally fix them. Your gut will thank you. It’s one of your best friends.

It’s okay to cheat on the dumb. If they believe the lies you tell them? And ignore their gut? That’s on THEM.

The lying you’re doing to yourself — what you chumps call “trust” — is totally equivalent to my cheating.

5. There’s Always Another Side to Your Lover’s (Crap) Marriage
Lying in each other’s arms, my lover and I shared stories about our relationships. This is what I heard him say about his marriage: “We’ve been unhappy for so long.” “We have no sex life anymore.” “All she does is argue with me.” No one was telling the other side of the story about what was still good about the relationship—what he still loved about his wife, how they were still deeply connected (which, P.S., is why your lover isn’t going to leave them no matter what they say otherwise). And God knows what his wife’s side of the story was. Maybe he enjoyed pushing her buttons more than she pushed his. But looking back, I realize if my lover had admitted the good stuff, it would’ve put the kibosh on the affair, because he needed to justify his actions—and I liked being his salvation. Letting him omit also allowed me to keep lying to myself. (And dreaming that he’d leave her for me.)

I got thrown under the bus. But that’s ZERO reflection on me! It’s because men NEVER leave their wives for the Other Woman. Even for the best sex in their lives and the super duper amazing connection they’ve never felt before!

It must be that Stupid Chump has some good qualities. I could never be played for cake. No sir. I am not a side-dish fuck. I’m a deeply introspective person who has learned twelve lessons.

6. Be Brave When It’s Time to End Your Relationship
For those of you whose relationship really is over, who really don’t have any positive, loving connection left with your spouse, it may be time to grow some fucking cojones and own up. “But we have kids …” “But he’ll be devastated …” Those are the reasons most unhappy couples stay together longer than they probably should. They’re totally good reasons. I believe your happiness is the foundation of your life. If you’re parents, no one can teach your kids how to be happy better than you can—and no one can see how unhappy you are better than they can. Will there be fallout? Most definitely, but it won’t last forever. If you need inspiration, listen to comedian Louis C.K., father of two daughters, who came out of the other side of his divorce extremely happy. He points out, “Divorce is always good news […] because no good marriage has ever ended in divorce.”

Be brave when it’s time to end your relationship… for the Other Woman. Find your fucking balls, man. LEAVE YOUR WIFE! “But we have kids…” CHILDREN ARE RESILIENT! Sure, there will be fallout, but it won’t last forever. You can teach them how to be happy! By being happy yourself, see? All that happiness will just slop over on to them!

I WAS THE BEST SEX YOU EVER HAD! You told me that! Remember that stolen night at the Motel 6 when you stared into my eyes and said “Happiness is the foundation of my life”? And I knew then that you meant ME! I was your happiness. But I guess you’d rather be tied to some drudge who believes your lies. Who suffocates your soul. And thwarts your true potential. But that’s FINE. Whatever, DESTROY MY HAPPINESS! Go back to your wife.

I don’t judge.

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seriously?
seriously?
7 years ago

Hmm. Bit depressing to hear of the mind blowing sex as the LBS copes with the fall out and new life of NO sex.
Lovely. More injustice laid at the altar of the great liar.
Ugh

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  seriously?

The most important lesson the traitor learned, and he was quite proud of it, is that he is a serial monogamist. Said while still in MC and wreckonciliation, while cheating. That came at the end of a 4 hour apparently deep heart to heart discussion together after months of discard, and refusing to have sex with me from 3 months after DD2 (DD1 was blamed on me being asexual so I had been pick me dancing like a pole dancer…).
Only PhD he finished is a Doctorate in Mindfuck.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

It’s just so difficult to keep coming up against this stuff and I’m new! How you keep fighting this deluge of delusion I do not know.
My fortune is not to have a sparkly malignant narc.
My other fortune is that he isn’t good at thinking up reasons for cheating beyond ‘I messed up’ ‘I know I’ve screwed everything up’. That’s it. The sudden idea of loneliness and boredom are easily batted away by pointing out I was the same but just stayed miserable with a side line in trying to enrich my life through courses and friends.
Beyond this he has no clue. No idea why or what happens next or what he may have learned.
It’s as if all his gears have stuck.
I think this is slightly better than listening to the drivel above.

Guest
Guest
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

If you ask a kid with chocolate smeared on her face, “did you eat the ice cream?”they will swear up and down it wasn’t them. Once they confess they might cry, and if continuously asked why, might tell a story about dragons and unicorns and using the ice cream to rescue a princess. Even expect you to be proud of their bravery!

At heart though, its an impulse. Ice cream or cake, adults should know better. Adults just tell more convincing fairy tales.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Capricorn,
I agree with you on the fact that he isn’t directly blaming you or doing any more gaslighting. It does make things a bit easier to deal with, so I’m glad for that. My XH was also like that after 7 years of BS telling me “I did a lot of stupid sh-t”. Geeeee thanks so much for pointing that out because it’s so helpful now that I know… I would like to help yours a bit more with his explanation though. I feel that like my XH, his explanation is a BIT HOLLOW…..

How about I’m a POS a-hole who doesn’t care about you or anyone else. Just me and my disgusting c-ck. The only reason I don’t know what to say to you is that would mean I would have to start confessing everything and I’d rather continue to keep my skeletons in the closet rather than when I open my mouth, some bones accidentally fly out. I know exactly why I did it and it isn’t as simple as “I messed up”. It’s more like, I gave myself permission to do whatever I feel like because after all, you are just a meaningless person who I just happen to be in a relationship with. As long as you don’t know, what’s the harm in me having a little fun elsewhere? If/When you find out, I will pretend like I’m all sad and pathetic so that you don’t really let me have it. Thanks for feeling sorry for me (because I’m good at manipulating) and understanding that I SUCK.
Now doesn’t that just feel better?? LOL

PhysicsGal
PhysicsGal
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Rather keep my skeletons in the closet so only I know about them and can interchange them at will. And keep you guessing about my secret life (power trip). I enjoy f*cking with your head.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Peaky, you nailed it. They are a-holes, they don’t want to confess anything, they did it on purpose, they liked keeping you in the dark, you were never really a factor, just s meanless person, and they just care about how the fall out affects them when they are found out.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

flutterby, if you could have been a fly on the wall while some of my ex’s friends dogged their women out and looked forward to getting away from them anytime they could. It was so sickening! I thought to myself… these are the (in this case) guys who have absolutely no remorse or compassion or empathy. These are the ones who take any opportunity to look for a new hole to climb in and then brag to their buddies. These are the ones who have other married or “taken” wingmen and pretend they missed their spouses and had just an “all right” time with the guys. These are the ones who can’t wait for the next time around to invite that “b-tch from last time” to come along or s-ck them off / give them a quickie in some bathroom, parking lot or join the wingmen with their newfound wh-res like they’re on some couples retreat/date night. These are the ones wondering if that “b-tch from last time” has some friends for me to share or for my friends. These are the ones experimenting with Viagra, Chinese erotic medicine, ecstasy, molly, coke, etc. These are the ones who buy their friends a h–ker for their bday or some special holiday occasion. They also don’t forget to buy one for themselves. These are the ones who did it on purpose. These are the same ones that only care about being caught and nothing else. When they do, it’s easy, just call that “b-tch from last time” up and see what her and her friends are up to and move on because life goes on. That’s who we all had. Pathetic losers and abusers.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Peaky, you are preaching to the choir with me. I finally got to the point that I realized that these kind of “people” don’t care about the chump at all. They were play acting the whole entire time for their own benefit, whether it was image management, trying to look “normal”, going with what was the “normal” path to take as a young person, whatever they felt they needed to do to look “normal” because they did not feel normal from the get go. I felt really bad when I realized that if you look at the actions of the cheater, truly look at them, that the cheater doesn’t give a flying f*ck about their chump and/or children. People who love or even just care about others won’t do the things that these creatures do to their own. If their lips are moving they are plotting, manipulating, just plain outright lying and no they don’t have anything in that black hole where their soul is to give to anyone else, so they don’t, they just say they do.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Sad but true… Emphasis on CREATURE. **THIS** “cheater doesn’t give a flying f*ck about their chump and/or children. People who love or even just care about others won’t do the things that these creatures do to their own. If their lips are moving they are plotting, manipulating, just plain outright lying and no they don’t have anything in that black hole where their soul is to give to anyone else, so they don’t, they just say they do.”

Chump Change
Chump Change
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

A couple of weeks before D-Day Gaslighter was showing me pictures of something and I scrolled through his phone photos and there was a picture of him with his arm around a very attractive young woman. I said “who’s that”? He said very nonchalantly “I met her in a bar, she’s a stripper, and I was counseling her to get out of that life”. I told that story to my therapist and said “who’s hanging out in bars taking a photo with a stripper? And she said “Guys that fuck strippers. That was a trophy shot.”

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

Peaky, I relate to having been married to the super-likeable, super affable fun guy too. He always paid respect, held open doors, called people sir/ma’am..all the things that we think we’re supposed to be happy to have in a mate. Those falsities end up being sickening to us once viewed after their mask falls off. It’s all for show, nothing more. Skin-crawling is right.

My nice guy met a stripper (who already had 2 kids with diff dads) in a strip club while out of town working, had an affair with her, moved across country for her, and married her. After she accidentally on purpose got pregnant and they had a son (just one more reason why our 1 & 2 year old babies will forever have to get in line in order of priority), she went back to stripping.

I have to wonder what Honey thought as he waved goodbye to her each night at 9pm, holding their newborn as her cloying perfume and F-me shoes disappeared into her purple SUV.

What exactly does a cheater ‘worry’ about? Are they even capable of that, or are they so delusional that they think it could NEVER happen to them? What kind of human is okay with his wife stripping for money? I suppose the same kind of character disordered waste of a human capable of dropping his first wife and babies to get there in the first place.

Is it wrong to fantasize about karma? It’s very un-meh, I know. But good god, for the love of all things holy, I would pay good money to see SOME kind of consequence befall these fools.

Maybe that’s an idea for Friday’s forum – delicious stories about how karma came to town and paid our cheaters a visit. It may have already been done before, but I’d gladly revisit that subject!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago

Honey,
I think that’s his Karma right there staring him in the face. He’s with a lady who has been plugged by numerous men for money. She has no life skills and one day, she won’t be able to continue her profession so he’ll be shelling out money for her left and right. You know good and well she doesn’t have a retirement fund…
I always love Karma, if it could be my middle name, I would gladly take it. Sure, it’s not MEH, but the personal satisfaction is worth that moment for me! We have definitely done the Karma thing, but no harm in hearing more stories! I LOVE Karma stories!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

He met her in a bar… somehow someone’s lips started moving and they started to chat. Then says, wow, you sure are a friendly young lady, I will take a photo with you. And lo and behold, she was a stripper! Too bad you weren’t there to help them chat and take the photo for them! Gee, what a FRIENDLY gaslighter you had! Mine was always sooooo nice to the waitresses/bartenders. So super sweet and funny! Just makes your skin crawl with warm fuzzies! Good thing your therapist told it like it was… A-holes the lot of them…

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

PeakyB
Yes! It really does help.
It all hurts a lot if I let myself think about it. My approach right now is to try and stay balanced between experiencing all the anger, devaluing, fear, grief etc when it hits but also trying to make my life better for me.
It’s so hard when the one person you could and would talk to about it is the one who has done it too you.
I know we were married and that’s important because of all the vows and stuff but more than that I thought we really were best friends. I thought he had my back.
And his utter inability to give any reason is frustrating. I know he did it because he could and that’s it but it’s not very much to be left with after 21 years. I suppose there never is a ‘good’ reason though. When I ask myself what would a good reason look like of course there are none. How can you justify the unjustifiable? It really can all be summed up by ‘trust that they suck’. I fucking hate him even as I can feel some pathetic ember of pity.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Cap, I’m glad it made you feel better. Not that any of this is really easy….. I’m also glad that even through the sh-t storm, you are finding the strength to pick yourself up and dust yourself off and work hard at your future. I’ve gone through periods of trying very hard not to think about the immense pain my many cheaters have caused because there is no good reason and what’s done is done. I find that crying until I can’t cry anymore helps… When you’re all cried out for that a-hole, Meh just seems closer. I can’t wait for it to come to you.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

“When I ask myself what would a good reason look like of course there are none.”
That’s it Capricorn, in a nutshell. I am glad you have the sense to know that and he is not trying to make one up. I am glad you are spared this bullshit, and that it will soon be over, so you are focused on resuming your career, and building your new life with your kids.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Cap it doesn’t hurt any less for you I’m sure and I’m glad he isn’t adding more gaslight to the firestorm he created. But if he did, it would make it easier to hate him rather than just shake your head in disbelief and wonder why or how.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

It’s called low emotional IQ. Mine had no depth of understanding about his motivations or consequences. Not exactly a whole lot deep thoughtful reflection and soul searching going on. Some cheaters are evil, some cheaters are stupid, but all cheaters suck.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago

‘It’s called low emotional IQ. Mine had no depth of understanding about his motivations or consequences. Not exactly a whole lot deep thoughtful reflection and soul searching going on. Some cheaters are evil, some cheaters are stupid, but all cheaters suck.’

This is the best summation on the subject ever. So simple. I get so mired in the ‘is he evil incarnate, or just a complete idiot?’ quandry. But I think it’s actually just as you said, a low emotional IQ. This nugget of truth is going with me, thanks!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

CL has a phrase to describe this–they have “crappy life skills.” And I think that makes them bad life partners, under any circumstances.

Susan Barnes
Susan Barnes
7 years ago

Amen!

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
7 years ago

You are kind, neverwouldhaveimagined, by using the term “low emotional IQ”. I simply refer to the cheater as LOSER and IDIOT. 🙂

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago

Yes I been learning about the low E I stuff, nothing seemed to make him happy, move him or say aaawww so cute or the like, just blank shallowness, Just a faint glimmer of a reaction. I mistook it for alouf coolness, umm no there’s just not much going on in there. Like an echo chamber.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

I’m not sure there’s much of a difference between lack of emotional intelligence and narcissism. Certainly go hand in hand. My cheater boy actually points to my obvious frustration, disdain, and all around chagrin in reaction to his affairs as reasons for the unhappiness that led him to more affairs. Pretty effing mind blowing. I’m at fault for affairs because affairs made me unhappy. The tautology of it alone is painful.

What’s most striking about the excuses and rationalizations of people having affairs is how cliche, how grim, and how empty they are. Always boils down to but I wanted it, it was fun, my happiness is the most important thing on planet earth, and possibly beyond. There’s no connection at all between sex and emotion, between sex and commitment, between sex and any moral or ethical consideration at all. What that says to me is that the sex really cannot be very earth shattering. No love is being made or expressed there. Even my teen knows the difference between a kiss and a kiss that is an actual expression of feelings.

FromChumpToChamp
FromChumpToChamp
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

I agree with you chumpionsahm sex isn’t about love to a cheater. I don’t think anything to cheaters is about love. It’s all about power and possessions. Chumps are their possessions, children are their possessions. They have power to mess with our lives, to cheat and have sex power, money power, love power, family power. We give our power to them to save our marriage and/or family. The Cheater loves that. Then we finally walk away, realize they are incapable of true human emotions, realize they aren’t wired like us, reach Meh, and they have no power.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago

Agreed!

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

NWHI, so true ” low emotional IQ”….. I would like to elaborate and say cheaters are emotionally immature.

Similar to what you mention but a bit of a twist. You are a very wise woman.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago

“Low emotional IQ?” Skankboy would be in the negative integers!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Mine blames me, saying we should have tried harder 4 years ago, he went to councelling and didn’t tell her, he’s a lying shit in denial because he doesn’t have a soul, just a black hole.
Hope he sits in his unfurnished flat on his own soon and feels fucking lonely with only Skype slut for company. Waiting patiently for the karma bus. Fucker
I’m in in the anger / depression pergatory.

ANC
ANC
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Lady B,
STAY angry. Use it as your fuel to move onto the best life for you (and your kids if you have any) imaginable.

Depression is normal. We all thought we had Partners. Grieve the loss of your marriage. If you don’t have a therapist, go to a support group or a chump meet-up.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  ANC

I agree, anger is a motivator to GTFO and dump the TRASH

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago

I read this on Fake Book as well. Stomach turning dribble that is portrayed as edgy and insightful.

I cannot understand why this woman thinks she needs to share this nugget of wisdom with the world – shouldn’t she be home shaping her pubic hair into a heart for Valentine’s Day or something useful to society ?!?

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Why does the personal pursuit of happiness trump all other things?! What about your vows? What about your kids? Cheaters are so completely self-absorbed.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

This is, I think, the core difference between me & XH. *I* was taught that Life serves up some pleasure and some pain. No life remains untouched by sadness, hard labor, etc., UNLESS one devotes all their energy to avoiding that hard work. Somehow, it has never occurred to me to discard something just because it has become a little bit of a chore — there’s value in working on repairing something that’s broken. Aren’t there enough trash heaps in the world? Reduce/reuse/recycle, right?

XH was never going to work on saving something, because nothing has value to him. All that matter is “shiny” and “new.” — And OW is not without her own problems, I’m sure, but to XH they’re probably okay because they’re “shiny, new” problems to him.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

I have always been poor my entire life. Single mom, dad left when I was basically born so I didn’t have the upbringing STBX had with both parents and a very successful mom. His dad took care of the kids and worked in a pool hall at night and on weekends. They weren’t RICH but never wanted for anything. I grew up an only child and always had that too old for my age fear of not enough money, we saved and lived a small and simple life. My mom couldn’t afford everything I wanted as a child but we got by comfortably enough. My mom was lovingly tough and called herself the meanest mom ever (she wasn’t!) and I was always a good kid. It makes me wonder looking at the response I got from STBX MIL saying that both he and I “deserve” to be happy and that maybe we can be friends and that maybe we were just never right for each other and blah blah blah all the other enabler BS, if MIL shaped him into an entitled ass or what happened. I wouldn’t say I had a HARD childhood by any stretch of the imagination but when you are an only child surrounded by adults you get treated with more maturity and end up exposed to more than children in families that are child centered. I feel like STBX never had any difficulties until he came here and we got married and had to work for everything we had. I always felt like he was okay with it and then this happened. I just don’t know. Nothing in my life makes sense anymore.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

The pursuit of happiness trumps all else because a cheaters definition of “happiness” is much much different that yours or mine doll.

Cheaters look for happiness in others when they should be looking for it in themselves. They truly believe that “others” will bring them the eternal happiness they seek. This is why cheating will *never* go away. Shallow people will *never* go away.

On the bright side though, noble people will also *never* go away. I’m sticking with my own.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Sure
This is true I think although I might replace the word ‘happiness’ with ‘validation’. I think my cheater picked OW who admired him, looked up to him, treated him as if he was a big shot. He was ‘the man’. I guess that’s why they cheat down.
I’m not sure they know what ‘happiness’ as we know it, is. They are looking for hits of validation IMO.
But at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what words we use does it. It all hurts the fucking same.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Or adoration

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
7 years ago

It’s written in the cheater charter – You only have one life on the Earth and you deserve to be happy.

Also written in their charter:
– You deserve to have your chump husband work to support you.
– You deserve to be entertained whilst your chump husband is out working.
– You deserve to fuck anybody you want because your chump husband is at work and unavailable when you get horny.
– You deserve to berate your chump husband when he gets home from working all day.
– You deserve to guilt your chump husband into cooking dinner when he gets home from work.
– You deserve to obligate your chump husband into spending his weekend cleaning your house and doing yard-work every weekend.
– You deserve to dress-up and look sexy for your twu-lurve fuckbuddies.
– You deserve to wear comfy sweats and go without makeup for your chump husband.
– You deserve to belittle your chump husband in public.
– You deserve to point out your chump husband’s every flaw so you don’t have to look in the mirror at your own imperfections.
– You deserve to embarrass your chump husband in social settings by making fun of him.
– You deserve to rip your chump husband a new asshole if he should quip back.
– You deserve to tell your chump husband he’s being too sensitive and can’t take a joke when he gets upset and angry with you.
– You deserve to share your inner-most secrets with whomever you want – especially your special twu-lurve fuckbuddies – not your chump husband.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Betrayed,
That’s a lot of deserving on the part of the cheater, but the question remains, what about the chump? When does the chump deserve and deserve and deserve. It’s so one sided that you just have to shake your head in wonder, what the f*ck are these things, because they are not mature adults.

BetrayedNoMore
BetrayedNoMore
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

That’s a lot of deserving on the part of the cheater, but the question remains, what about the chump?

I’m sorry… I accidentally missed the entire section that deals with their chumps:
– You deserve to have all your needs met before your chump husband (please refer to “Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs” for further inspiration and ammunition to throw back in your chump husband’s face if he starts getting snippy).
– You deserve to apply Fear, Obligation, and Guilt toward your chump husband whenever he starts whinging about what he wants.
– You deserve to show disdain, hatred, and contempt at your chump husband if he ever thinks about his needs, wants, or feelings before yours.
– You deserve to badmouth your chump husband if he does anything for you or the family as “not quite good enough” C+ (at best).
– You deserve to ignore your chump husband as punishment for demanding anything from you.

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  BetrayedNoMore

Hmmmm, and once again it is all about the cheater. Interesting isn’t it. Lesson learned: It Is All About Them, All The Time, Every Time!!!!! And now we know.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Some of the entitlement stuff I hear about the cheaters just scares me because when we were first married I wasn’t all that worried about STBX we kind of just did our thing together and I know I wasn’t a great wife. And now I feel like was I a narc and a terrible wife all along? Did I deserve this? Did I push him away? We had a bad patch in the marriage for me and I got over it and came back to full focus on the us and I thought literally about “us” and him but never me and then I got chumped. I KNOW logically in my head it’s not my fault but I just get so sad and upset it feels like maybe it was me. STBX can be SO ANGRY about past “transgressions” from the marriage and I see Betrayednomore and I can practically hear the laundry list of angry shit that my STBX used to justify what happened. I KNOW he had no justification for cheating. And that he’s blameshifitng to try to make me feel equally responsible but I’m just so scared I won’t be able to rebound from this and turn into a functional human even with all the time in the world! ?

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

We have all been there.

I read something once in a book about narcissists that basically said that because they project everything bad about them onto you, and because you are not a narcissist, you will stop to consider if maybe you were the narcissistic one.

Here’s the thing: If YOU were the narcissist, you wouldn’t have the conscience to ask yourself if you’re the narcissist in the relationship. And this proves you aren’t. It’s not your problem. It’s theirs. Rest assured. If you feel bad enough to ask, it’s not you!

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
7 years ago

The “happiness” part struck a nerve for me, too, because that’s one of the reasons my cheater gave me for his actions. He “just wanted to be happy”. Somehow, his version of “happy” requires breaking up a household, not seeing the kids every day of the week, losing touch with family members, etc. I’m not a prude, but is sex with a fresh, new person really worth all of that???

Truly balanced people find happiness through gratefulness for their present situation, not in “what might be” (the illusions that cheaters chase) or “what could have been” (the illusions we chumps hold onto). This new life isn’t what I planned, but I’m still happy because I’m authentic and true to my values of honesty and openness with those I love.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago

Let me tell you happiness was my STBX ultimate goal too. And now that all the things that help you be happy, a stable place to live, the fruits of your labors, the love of family, health, etc (all the stuff WE had together) are gone he’s not very impressed with his new life. A used up whore, some other dude’s abandoned child he gets to help raise, an apartment full of bugs, no TV, no Internet, being sick and getting fat after moving out and having to live with himself somehow aren’t making him “happy”. ? Weird! And he’s said multiple times he wishes he could go back to how UNHAPPY he was before all this started. Me too. Because I can tell you that the apathy and no feelings and asexuality and not love that I had for him caused me to lose 20 pounds and basically cry for multiple hours almost daily since d-day were REALLY worth him finding “true 100% happiness” in a relationship. Thank God he went on that happiness search. And ruined everything.

BlindsidedByEvilOnes
BlindsidedByEvilOnes
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Sad Shelby, YES, pretty much sums it up.
“Because I can tell you that the apathy and no feelings and asexuality and not love that I had for him caused me to lose 20 pounds and basically cry for multiple hours almost daily since d-day were REALLY worth him finding “true 100% happiness” in a relationship. Thank God he went on that happiness search. And ruined everything”.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

I love your sarcasm! We could be twins!

Shit bag wife
Shit bag wife
7 years ago

This is such a perfect response. Thank you for posting.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Skype sluts headline on g plus ‘life’s too short to be sad”
Profound, sums her up plastic tits and deep as a bird bath.
I could go on, life’s to short to be sad so I will steal some happiness from a bloke his partner and their kids”
Whore

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Thank fuck I’m not on f b. Don’t go there. Don’t look him up. Go on you tube and watch vids about NC and narcissists, please you are tortoring yourself and they get a thrill out of knowing you know, it’s like vourism it’s pervasive.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

How about the ones who think that you have a suspicion but can’t yet prove it or understand what the real situation is? For the people in this phase of killing their relationship with cheating, the thrill is that you have some idea but still haven’t been able to piece it together….and THEY KNOW ITTTTTT. They are watching your every reaction and are trying to anticipate your next move. Am I going to get caught this time or can I still do some more behind the back sh-t and then laugh quietly to myself at what a stupid sucker I think you are? What should I do differently to plan my next f-ck date and mistake proof everything? They’re just so creative and adventurous.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Spot on like teenagers sneaking around their parents, its all a game of cat and mouse and they get a hard on that fuels the affair with playing this game. Once the cover is blown and we kick their asses to the curb im sure it all becomes a bit mundane as the affair is then valid and the pleasure centres that are hit by doing something they shouldnt arent firing anymore. Diordered somes it up like my councillor said he kicked his alcohol addiction didnt replace it with anything meaningful then found cheating. Alcoholism and drug taking all involve a negation of the truth and self delusion. They are fuck up, mine even admits his in his weakest moments ‘ im just a f up’ sympathy poor md crap, fucking done over and out.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

Yep, calling them out with no proof is pointless. They drop that shit right back on you and 5 min later you are apologizing for accusing them.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Calling them out WITH AMPLE PROOF does not work either. I had all the proof in the world. Photos, e-mail accounts of what he was doing THAT HE WROTE TO HIS CRONY FRIENDS, bank books proving he stole money from our accounts and took it to another country.

None of it mattered. His ex-fiance from before me (who was probably shtooping him again at the time) told me “All men are like that, deal with it.” His mother is afraid of him, and he’s her only son, so despite being told I was like a daughter to her, when push came to shove it didn’t matter.

As for him, he didn’t say a word. Just let others do his bidding for him.

Proof or not, they are so deluded they will deny. They may even believe it. Who cares.

Trust they suck.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

You both got it! No proof or plenty of proof is just words to them. The last line says it all. They SUCK. And so do their families, friends and other enablers.

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

That’s why it’s so helpful to live by the adage, “You know enough.” Enough to know that you’re not being respected, that you’ve been lied to, that your partner has no concern for how their behavior is hurting you, that instead of being met with reassurance, your suspicions are met with accusations about your own mental health/stability . . . the list goes on.

AllaLie
AllaLie
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

I read this last night on Fake Book too. I had been following that page. I decided to unfollow the page after reading that. And from reading some of the comments, thankfully many others had a problem with that article, and hopefully they will unfollow as well.

Lol, I agree, she certainly has better things to do to get ready for V Day, no?

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

Downright predatory. Ick.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago

Predatory. Check.

Looking for validation. Check

Self justifying. Check

Surpresses empathy for spouse and kids. Check

Selfishness. Check

Entitlement. Check

Lack of controlling impulses. Check

Narc. Check

Chump Change
Chump Change
7 years ago

You know, one of my oldest girlfriends said “but Men never leave their wives for the other woman… don’t let her win! You can keep him! He hasn’t left you!” I said “She can have him. I don’t want him”. I had to explain to her that Schmoopie hadn’t won anything worth having. She’s got a pathological liar, serial cheater, alcoholic, porn addicted, 67 year old father of two sons. These two wonderful young man have lost all respect for their father yet of course, they love him. He is defending his very dishonest business dealings in a huge protracted lawsuit (lost 2 other lawsuits in the last 5 years that were kept hidden from me) and is paying (stringing along) 3 lawyers. He is seriously in debt up to his eyeballs and has a credit score of 540 something. He’s also a selfish aging lover with a small, less than rock hard you know what. Good luck with that. It really pisses me off to think that people might assume that he left me for Schmoopie, when Gaslighter was fake fighting to keep me and have cake. It took me 35 years to realize he was a serial cheater who loved getting away with anything and everything he could. I kicked his sorry Cluster B Ass to the curb. Yep I still care about what people think. Thanks mom.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

“Why, yes, I would like to fight over that salmonella-laced pizza!”

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, love it.

Chumpchange,
I too used to care about what people thought. It was very hard for me to say that “x left me for schmoopie”, but I finally did it. I finally said it out loud because that is what happened, we didn’t grow apart, we didn’t fall out of love, he wasn’t depressed, I wasn’t frigid, he just left me for another woman. I got traded in for a newer, very used, model, but that was it. There was no great conflict on the part of the cheater, he just decided that he was going to do this and I had no part in that decision at all. The drama and soul searching of the cheater is just plain bullshit. They decide that, for whatever reason, they want to do what they want to do and then they just do it, no thought about anyone else. No thought about what it was going to do to his family, no thought about how ridiculous his choice of schmoopie was, he was not going to be told what to do anymore, not by his vows to me, definitely not by me and definitely not by any type of moral standards. He must be happy at all costs, no matter what the cost is to those that he claimed to “love”.

His shame is not my shame. I was left behind, but it was actually a blessing in disguise. I won’t claim to be completely over this thing, but I’m a lot better off than I was before. I just didn’t realize that I was leading such a hard life with the cheater x. He was slowly killing me, body and soul, and I just didn’t realize it until he left. The road to meh is hard but at least it’s honest.

Blown Away
Blown Away
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Yes.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Oh, I told everyone I could get my hands on, immediately when I found out (well, on the 2nd d-day, not the first), and that polarized people real quick.

It certainly weeded out the good, supportive ones from the bad, and made it easier for me to know who to trust and hang around for support when I was going through the process.

None of us likes to be chumped, but if it happens, there’s no denying it. Once you say it, you get that part over with and can start healing faster.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Flutterby.
Love all your posts today. ❤

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Thanks Cap, this post brought up a lot of things but it also gave me a bit more clarity into the insights of the cheater and the similar, to them , “people” they choose to get with. It’s not us, it never was and it will never be us. We were, as others on here have said “appliances”. I was as important as the toaster or the fridge. I was useful, I was competent, but when he needed to trade me in or replace me, there were no true feelings attached to me. I just needed to be gone and I was, in his limited mind, just gone and replaceable.

Chump chlCange
Chump chlCange
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump Change

It’s sadly funny when I read my post and wonder WTF did it take me so long to really see the man I spent almost 40 years with. The sickos wear a mask of sanity and pretend to be so wonderful and when you see who they really are, it’s the face of evil

Beryl
Beryl
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump chlCange

Yes Chump chlCange! They are quite practiced at keeping the mask on. Like we are practiced at breathing… Seeing a person who pretended to be someone they were not – sometimes for decades – exposed for who they really are is life altering. I will never be the same. Better of course, no regrets about being away from him. But I am forever changed. I am free but I lost my innocence in the escape.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Chump chlCange

This is where I am at, too. I have seen behind the mask and am no longer letting him determine my reality. He is truly sick.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yes! Truly sick. My divorce is finally coming to an end. He is 77 and now realizing he has lost his charm, looks and his children don’t want him only his money. I soon as the divorce is finalized and I am gone, they will place his *ss in a nursing home. DTs will be rough for a time. I am not sure that insurance covers DTs anymore.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

Blown Away doesn’t that sound like a DREAM COME TRUE?! ? Glad you dodged that bullet!

Blown Away
Blown Away
7 years ago
Reply to  saw

Saw…I cannot wait for the XSAH to hit 77. He made the 71 marker with his 45 y/o live in. They are living LARGE right now, however Me thinks she is working her *** off cooking, cleaning, laundry and taking care of his 96 y/o mother. (She is in assisted living, but I understand calls 10 times a day.) They are very close (distance) to her, so I know her demands are many. He doesn’t lift a finger and sits in his leather chair all day long watching any ball that flies in the air. Wonder how long she will hang on?

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago

No empathy to suppress.

SureChumpedAlot
SureChumpedAlot
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

Check! 🙂

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

“I’m convinced my lover’s wife didn’t want to know he was having an affair, because he was guilty of many of the signs above. Did she know it in her gut? I’m not sure. You can shut off your instincts if you want to. But lying to yourself about your relationship will catch up to both of you. ”

You can set your watch that at some point, they circle around and blame us that our spouses and they are having selfish, lie requiring/inducing, abusive to everyone they have commitments to sex. To the disordered, its never THEM…no, its me ignoring my gut. Alrighty then…OK on judgement day you go tell your Maker that it was all Uni and her refusal to admit the truth, so how that works for you.

Me, personally, my new life’s goal is to use a line from “The Walking Dead” last night …”we both had sex with the same dead guy, that doesn’t make us friends”…Im never going to have a chance, am I ? dang

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I LOVED when Rosita said that on TWD last night. Because she was basically on the verge of being chumped. I know Sasha didn’t go after Abraham specifically but he tossed Rosita out on her ass in about 2.7 seconds. And she’s so torn up over his death even though he’d moved on I feel her!

The part about the lover’s (fucking GAG!) wife not wanting to know he’s having an affair. I’m sorry but do all women and men run around like chicken little constantly terrified their spouse is fucking a whore (of either sex)? Because the ONE thing my STBX ALWAYS said was that cheating made him SO SICK! He would NEVER CHEAT. He couldn’t even stomach people cheating in movies or on TV. So OF COURSE I had literally ZERO fear of that EVER happening! And from day one of our marriage I ALWAYS said if you EVER have the slightest temptation SAY SOMETHING TO ME!!!!!!!!!!!! so we can figure it out! Then bam “sorry. I fucked a whore and now she’s pregnant with my bastard love child” yeah. There’s a reason why women don’t WANT to know they are being cheated on. Because who wants to know their happiness, safety, stability, ability to trust, love, future and even past are all trash, lies, a big joke, and over all at once? I’ve never met someone that WANTED to know they mean less than nothing to someone they were devoted to or that their life/existence as they know it was not reality. It’s awful!

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

We discussed things to the point where I really thought we had “affair proofed” our marriage(Ive come to hate that term) with honestly…that is a massive joke when I look back on it now…I always expected that a CHANGE would cue me in that he was having an affair…there was no “change” because during various phases, cheating was prob the norm.

The change I saw when he was fucking Susan of Seattle was that he thought he was in love…with all the prior ones, it was “just about the sex” as I was told my his confidante after he died. His perception of love made him want to leave me/kids…no more cake, he wanted to dump and run.

Honest to God, I never ever had a moment when I thought he was screwing around…he did odd things now and again, I honestly thought he was a slightly odd person…even from when we dated, he didnt want to take me to certain places…he acted like he hated his military colleagues, around them he claimed he was totally antisocial (and it was consistent) …if he went to an event he looked like he was chewing glass and poison every second we were there, I now think he was concerned that fuckbuddies would misbehave …but he was like that from the start, so it didnt look different 5, 10, 20 years in.

Drew
Drew
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yes, this! Ex was heavily into those 866 numbers (later porn, and “working” long hours, and time spent at the racquetball club) and our long distance relationship in those early college years was probably a perfect set up for his preference later in living a double life. What I don’t understand is who the fuck are they? Not normal, that’s for sure. I loved his independence and wasn’t the girl who needed to hear from him whenever he was away, I did my own thing and trusted he loved me. Now I may think twice about men who travel and don’t communicate, or who spend a great deal of time away from family, who are on phones/computers, up late at night, who spend a lot of time “at the fitness club,” who work long hours, or two jobs, or talk about massages (cause that’s what mediocre athletes do, right?), whose neck swivels whenever someone of the opposite sex walks by, who dated shallow women in his youth, or hung out with sketchy men(read divorced/unhappy/complaining about their families). I do believe the disordered are incapable of loving deeply, my relationship never grew more intimate with ex and I always felt like I was missing something.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Drew

Mine was always (I thought!) open we spent almost every waking second together when we weren’t at work and when we were we sent each other funny texts and such. The day it happened I knew something was wrong because he RAN off to “meet Tom” (his boss at work) for lunch on a Sunday and was out of contact for about 5 hours. Then he came home and ran directly to the shower and didn’t really talk about the ENTIRE DAY he was gone. I spent the whole day crying intermittently because we had had a conversation a few months before about how he wanted more sex in the marriage and I was freaking out that he was telling Tom he wasn’t happy and wanted out. Too bad he was FUCKING the WHORE instead. I’m so ANGRY because all he had to say was what he REALLY felt. Instead of pretending he was happy he could have said ANYTHING to me. Maybe instead of telling EVERYONE else we’ve ever met in life how TERRIBLE everything is he should have just spoken to me directly? Because speaking to someone that isn’t “the problem” somehow doesn’t communicate to that person that there even IS a problem. But you know where’s the fun in that? The whore is so sad and sympathetic! She really “gets” him! And in my case the whoremat had a TERRIBLE, EVIL, abusive, alcoholic husband that she was married to for a decade before she suddenly decided she was done with him after my STBX came along (THAT was convenient). He never told me he was SO unhappy he wanted to divorce. He was fine until he started talking to her. It’s so true when they hang out with people unhappy in a relationship suddenly they become unhappy too. Especially when it’s some slut that feeds their ego! All he had to do at ANY POINT was say “when you don’t initiate sex very much I feel rejected and think you don’t care”. Even though real adults know that when you choose to make a life with someone and spend all your time with them and tell them “I love you” and do shit specifically for them THAT is love. But instead he gave himself permission to fuck a skank and blow my life up. It wouldn’t be so bad if he wrecked himself and I could basically go on as before, then even with my broken heart it would be a sort of justice but it’s the fact that they act like such an ass and ruin EVERYTHING for the chump that sucks so hard!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Yes ss it does suck bad. If asswipe had only respected me enough to be honest. He didnt. It was too much fun avoiding getting caught and seeing how long he could get away with it. You know how long can i put it over on kar marie. 30 years 30 fucking years didnt warrent enough respect to tell me the truth!!! And even when it no longer mattered continued to lie! I could have a bit of respect for that pod if he had told me the truth before he cheated but no. And now hes upset i have a very low opinion of him and wont talk to him except a rare email. Were all those years a waste of course not but he withheld who he really was taking away my choices. I hope his dick rots and falls off. Im away from him now its not easy taking all those years good or bad and just get over it but im getting better every day! And so will you!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I loved that line.
Fitting for this purpose as well.

violet
violet
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

If someone were to dare tell me “You must have known”, they would find themselves quite shocked by my reaction. No, asshole, I was being gaslighted by the master of deception. Yes, something definitely seemed off, but my X was very ill and was recovering from a serious medical condition. I thought he was worried about whether he was going to live! No, he was worried that the bunny boiler he hooked up with was going to do something crazy to hurt my family, which, of course, she did.

I never, ever dreamed he would even consider an affair with that crazy bitch and believe me when I say he did everything under the sun to prevent me from learning the truth. At one point, I truly thought I was losing my mind. Surely, my partner of almost 30 years would not lie to me. I never, ever looked the other way; if anything, I was hyper-vigilant because she was such a strange ranger. I thought she was a crazy stalker (she was), and my X certainly was content to let me believe SHE was the problem, not his wandering dick. Whenever I hear someone claim that the innocent spouse somehow “knew”, my first thought is that they are a cheater. Who blames the innocent spouse? Cheaters, that’s who!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Anyone dealing with cognitive dissonance. Sometimes it is also friends and family members who blame the innocent spouse as well. No way this person I hang out with or love could do this to their spouse and family unless there was a reason. That is why I am cutting these people out of my life or at least limiting their time.

Shit bag wife
Shit bag wife
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Mine says his family and my family could see his affair coming because of the way I was.
OK…so that makes it ok.

If I hear how I drove him to this one more time, I swear.

So, if I had a gun in my house, and he used it to shoot someone, it would be my fault?

I need him OUT of my house and out of my sight.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
7 years ago
Reply to  Shit bag wife

I threw mine OUT and he calledy mother to advocate for him!

Since she is a narc who cheated on my father, of course she called me up with the old “men are just like that” … ad nauseum.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Shit bag wife

Fuck him for trying to speak for other people. It’s very damaging, typically not true, and merely used to gain power over chumps who are already hypersensitive to people’s opinions of us. My X did the same thing, and it was the worst night of my life (worse even than D-day)–to gang up on someone they’ve already hurt by piling other people on top of the hurt is cruel. Fuck him.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest. that is JACKED UP. It’s enough to wonder what’s real, if you’re going crazy, what’s just happened to your life, and have thousands of excruciating emotions going on after d-day…but to have the cheater then twist the narrative and preemptively line up his defense team against you? Horrifying.

I have a little analogy about that very thing that I refer to as ‘selective victimization’. Here’s my blog post about it:

Selective Victimization: This occurs when an aggressor selectively chooses what part of the narrative to display to the world in order to appear the victim, while omitting the critically important part of the narrative that reveals their true role as perpetrator.

Example 1: A wolf, while chasing a rabbit to eat for its dinner, cuts its paw on a rock. The wolf then goes back to the den and tells 87 other wolves that there’s this rabbit that was mean to him and gave him an owie for no good reason while he was minding his own business in the woods. The other wolves then unknowingly provide sympathy and support that isn’t deserved.

Example 2: A homewrecker, while knowingly crushing a family under her stripper shoes, got her feelings hurt when the wife pointed out what kind of person that makes her. Homewrecker then goes back to her laptop and tells 87 other people on Facebook that there’s this woman that was mean to her and hurt her feelings for no good reason while she was minding her own business living with her married boyfriend. The other FaceBookers then unknowingly provide sympathy and support that isn’t deserved.

Other Kat
Other Kat
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

So true, they love to cite third parties as being in agreement with their perspective on us, even better if those third parties aren’t people we can typically approach and ask if what they’re supposedly saying about us is true. Even better if said third parties are dead (“Mom always said she couldn’t understand how I put up with you.”)

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Other Kat

I have a true one of those myself (though I wouldn’t be so unkind as to use it)–my X’s own mother expressed concern about my marrying him and having children, knowing he was not the fatherly type.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  violet

Who blames the innocent spouse? Cheaters, that’s who! **THIS**

Soyouseeit2
Soyouseeit2
7 years ago

I want to email this to my ex

Soyouseeit2
Soyouseeit2
7 years ago

I want to email this to my ex

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Soyouseeit2

Please do not give your ex the satisfaction. Not knowing your story just assuming you had a cheating ex-I would not send anything as most cheaters will just be smug with delight thinking you cannot get over them and won’t have a sudden epiphany that they are pond scum.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Word!!!!! ^^^^ THIS^^^^^^
Anytime I tried to share anything about how I felt or anything insightful about what I thought had happened or what was wrong with him it was met with some comment back like ” Mary, it’s over. You have to quit obsessing about me”
It was enough to make me want to smash my phone.
I won’t say one thing to him or her ever again…..hear me, EVER!! They don’t hear it, and I have better things to do……like be happy, collect alimony, and dream of a meteor hitting his house.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

‘It was enough to make me want to smash my phone.
I won’t say one thing to him or her ever again…..hear me, EVER!! They don’t hear it, and I have better things to do……like be happy, collect alimony, and dream of a meteor hitting his house.’

Hahaha!!! Love this so much. I hope you get your happiness, your alimony, and he gets his meteor, in that order.

When I would confront Honey in an effort to get to the bottom of WTF just happened to my life, he would always don a robotic voice and say ‘We’re getting a DIVORCE, wife.’ What that says to me is ‘Sit down and be quiet, wife-appliance. Divorce magically means I am not OBLIGATED to explain.’

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I bet if most chumps had a do over D-Day, they would just pack up, leave or throw the cheater out without a word. The lawyer would be called and divorce papers filed immediately. They wouldn’t try and make the cheater “see the light” or try and extract explanations. Such a waste of time and energy.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

That’s what I did. As soon as he told me there was this other woman and she was (voice cracking under emotional strain) “important,” I told him to be out by the end of the day. Filed papers and never reconsidered my decision to split. (Admittedly, he’d brought the box of coffin nails by saying he’d never loved me from the very beginning, so really what am I supposed to do with that kind of information: “I never loved you, but I love love love this other woman”?) I felt so disrespected and devalued — never mind that my love & devotion didn’t mean anything, what about everything I DID for him?

Still, there were times (even though I knew better) I felt a bit guilty that I didn’t even try to convince him he was mistaken. It’s reaffirming (even after all this time) to read that my instincts were correct to kick him out at the first go-round.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Yes, completely! One and done. I wasted years in disbelief and strung out on hopium.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Raises HAND

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  Peakyblinders

I definitely wouldn’t get out right away.

Instead, I would start lining up my ducks properly. Get the advice from the lawyer. Start craftily moving as much joint money to an offshore account, or ready that process for my getaway day, so I could take it all (possession is 9/10, as you know), get EVERY DUCK LINED UP all the time playing the chumpity chump to keep him not suspicious.

Then I’d dump his ass and take off with as much loot as possible.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
7 years ago
Reply to  KB22

All the settlements that could of been so much bigger if it went that way.
Just hire the kick ass atty and change your phone #.
I would of thrown the words of my dick cheater ex back at him…
” It’ll be better this way”.
Tee hee hee….

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

Get the first offer and get out. Don’t linger for more. Move on with your life.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
7 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I gave up, too. They don’t hear anything and it just drains emotionally to keep banging your head against a brick wall.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

So glad that I went full no contact and have stayed the course because of the videos and folks like y’all.

WTFhappened
WTFhappened
7 years ago

One might assume that Parker Barrett is still in cheater mode thinking. Her insightful drool nearly made me vomit in my mouth.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  WTFhappened

As CL said and I laughed so hard… “Behold! They have wisdom to impart!”

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  WTFhappened

She should post this stupid article next to her online dating profile…

Roberta
Roberta
7 years ago

Lucky, she still has loads of time to “design” her pubic area. Remember, her lying, cheating lover has to pretend he still loves his wife and take her to the IHOP for a romantic quick dinner, then drop by the drugstore to find an appropriate “gift” in the “as seen on TV” aisle! Schmoopie will get her own time slot the day after Valentines Day!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

Nothing says romance like a microfiber duster! Nothing! Then the SOB will feel all indignant and justified to cheat because that duster didn’t earn him an immediate “reward” …

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Truthfully? A microduster from a man who genuinely loves me would be heaven. It’s not the gift, it’s the man. The sluttress who wrote this selfish nasty justification for cheating will never know true love. Her loss.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie–If there is a rash of Valentine’s Day gifts of microdusters because of what you wrote, there are going to be a lot of pissed off people tomorrow ; ).

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Ha Ha! “I really thought I’d finally found the man of my dreams … then he showed up with wine and flowers. I apparently wasn’t worthy of a microduster, so we’re through!”

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

That! Yesssssssss! The best gifts are the ones that are spontaneous and heartfelt. That’s why every mom proudly displays that fistful of wilting dandelions. Great reminders, Dixie.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

???

Cannot tell you how many last minute drugstore gifts I received, interspersed with wildly expensive things of the sort that do not suit me at all, and that I never lust after. Undoubtedly, the contrast was meant to keep me guessing. At least this year the dozen long stemmed red roses that used to show up every Valentine’s Day–yes, even when cheater boy had to phone that in from the shack up house–will not arrive, with that terse, “Love, Cheater Boy” card attached. I do not, for the record, like red roses very much at all. Pretty sure the slut was sometimes assigned the task of sending those, which would certainly fit his approach to life. Better her than me.

Bought myself a dozen short stems in a lovely orangish yellow hue. Enjoying them. ❤️

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago

I read a lot of articles like this after DDay. I devoured them. They should come with a warning sign: This will not explain anything and will not make you feel better.
This article still made me nauseated. Because clearly this person thinks she is doing a public service by spreading her “wisdom.” But, I no longer read these articles the same way. (Truth be told, I don’t really read articles like this at all anymore because I know how worthless they are.) I now see that these articles align closely with many of my cheater’s excuses: our marriage had no passion and he NEEDED passion, the other woman is really actually very nice and she and I would totally be friends in other circumstances, and, my favorite, I MUST have known that he was cheating and my silence about it was tacit approval.
I find it annoying that some pages and websites continue to post this dreck, acting like it is reasonable to hear “the other side” of cheating. Grow some balls, take a stand against this self promotion. Stop romanticizing cheating.
Funny thing, I once spouted off on the comments section of a similar post. My comments caught the eye of a Facebook friend from my hometown who was chumped too. He reached out to offer support because he figured out from my comments that I was going through some shit. Several months later, it led to the best sex of my life, no twists or repercussions involved. So, for that, cheater-splainers, I sincerely thank you.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago

There’s only one way to confirm approval. Inform the other party directly and ask for permission.

Aw, that takes all the fun out of it? So you wouldn’t be doing it if you really believed I knew then. Right.

Excuses. Everything they say, excuses.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

I’ve thought about that scenario when I was in “What if?” mode. What if: XH had come to me and said, “Look there’s this girl who works for me and I have just got the biggest hard-on for her. Can I sleep with her?” — My reply would have certainly included, “Well, only if *I* then get to go out and sleep with someone, as well.” — Hmm, can’t imagine how that would have gone over.

Besides, if it devolves to that, then why even bother to BE married? So I can continue to do all the housework and pay for everything? Umm, no.

DancesWithMeh
DancesWithMeh
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

Well, I was only saying that in theory. You’re right, what would have happened is he would have asked, you would have said no, and he would have slept with said slut anyway. Same same.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  DancesWithMeh

I Think I mostly meant that XH wouldn’t have liked it at all if i wanted the same level playing field as him. Like, it’s ok for him to pursue HIS bliss but it wouldn’t be okay if we kept it fair and I got to do it, too.

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
7 years ago
Reply to  NWBiblio

No they don’t. When I asked mine what he would do if I was the one cheating, he said “I’d leave you!” with a look on his face surprised that I’d even ask such a thing.

happyhausfrau
happyhausfrau
7 years ago

Ha!! I got that same comment from mine: “She’s a lot like you. I bet you’d be friends under different circumstances.”

A lot like me, except a dozen years younger and I have a conscience. Other than that, yeah, BFF material 😀

And bravo for getting a benefit from FB commenting!

WTFhappened
WTFhappened
7 years ago
Reply to  happyhausfrau

Ditto, Fucktard said the same about being friends with OW under different circumstances and that I’d really like her. OW also said the same thing to me “if circumstances were different I think we’d be friends”, she then tried to charm me with “I think you’re really interesting and interesting people are hard to come by” Esoteric bullshit!
Ex is a writer, never said anything original throughout the entire ordeal that wasn’t out of the cheaters handbook.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  WTFhappened

OW has had the common sense not to even try to approach me (I have no kids with XH), but I did have Switzerland friends say something similar to me about how they really appreciate my depth and reliability. I said, “You know what gives me that? Integrity. But it comes with a price, as well, as I expect my friends to have integrity, too.” — that was the last I saw of them. And, y’know what? All my friends now? The most honorable line-up you could ever ask for. Strong core values to the very bone.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  WTFhappened

Wow. OW actually said that to you?
I never spoke to OW, but after stalking my FB page she supposedly said the same thing to my cheater. She also told him that we had friends in common, which was a lie. I think she was trying to tell him that she was like me, but version 2.0.

WTFhappened
WTFhappened
7 years ago

OW tried desperately to befriend me. I talked to her a few times before removing myself from the weird fucked up triangulation that was taking place. When I walked away she got all upset!. I mean, I could I walk away when she is so super special and interesting.

She’s a manipulative, conniving bitch who wanted me to know she was the one with the influence over fucktard, and I ( a mere mortal) was sidelined.

Everyone thinks she is awesome and charming, she’s a serial cheater who knows how to play people. Comes across well reasoned, I’m sure she’s a cluster B.

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  WTFhappened

Wow, wasn’t enough she broke up your marriage she wanted to stay friendly so she could rub your face in their twu luv. Talk about taking the knife and twisting it. She’s a special kinda sick freak. Anyway, be satisfied in knowing you lost a weak, loser cheater and sooner or later their relationship will combust. Always does.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  WTFhappened

Before I realized my cheater was a narcissist and learned about narcissism, I had no understanding that people like this existed. I thought they were characters in soap operas.

saw
saw
7 years ago

If we were at a public engagement, cheater would actually ask me who the (trashy) dressed woman was in front of everyone. I knew he was scoping the room. I was dressed clean, sexy . Not trashy whore sexy. If I went to the bathroom, when I came out he was talking to that trashy woman. I could tell that she had been drinking by her speech, so I told her to get back to the bar for more. She was furious and I walked out on my X as he quickly followed to tell me that it was her fault and I replied than why did you ask me about her before I went to the bathroom. I told him if he continued with his former behavior I would walk out on him. He did and I did. He had to call the Sheriff’s Dept. to do a search for me. I walked 12 miles to our farm. He cried because he was embarrassed that he had to call them back to call the search off because I was home. He tried to fight with me and I would have nothing to do with him. After that, I refused to be a part of any public events. A snake can shed it’s skin, but it is still a snake.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
7 years ago

Ow was my friend and no I don’t like her. We are nothing alike. The only thing we had in common was my husband apparently.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  happyhausfrau

Just want to say I’m reading your blog and am a huge fan. I’m in April 2013 and feeling hopeful for you. Lol. Thanks for sharing your life with – well, with everyone.

happyhausfrau
happyhausfrau
7 years ago

Ha! This just made my day. Thank you so much. <3

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  happyhausfrau

Omg, I am totally fangirling! Love you Happyhausfrau!!

happyhausfrau
happyhausfrau
7 years ago

Awww!! Love right back to you.

WTFhappened
WTFhappened
7 years ago

The notion that good sex can only come from illicit liaisons is so spurious.

Loved your reply Louisvilleflower

happyhausfrau
happyhausfrau
7 years ago

Yay! I’m thrilled to read your response to this. Even though my shitstorm was a decade ago, reading drivel like this still chaps my hide.

And I absolutely laugh at the “he won’t leave for the other woman”. That’s what countless people told me, too. Imagine my surprise when he did. He was always one to challenge the status quo 😀

A lot of the women (and men) who read my blog and comment on the FB page eventually come to the conclusion that we’ve been done a massive favor by our cheaters and their partners-in-crime. It takes some of us a long time to get there, but most of us do.

IntegrityIntact
IntegrityIntact
7 years ago
Reply to  happyhausfrau

That was one of my problems when I first found out…I immediately called a marriage counselor and found all of the RIC sites first. SO many said they rarely leave for the other woman…I was trying so hard to convince myself that it was true. That we were going to make it through this. But I KNEW…I just KNEW, in my gut, he was going to leave me for her.

And he did.

And he’s still with her.

Even though he said “it wasn’t real” and “I’m not just going to run off with her…and what, ruin her life, too?” Guess it was ok to ruin our life, but how dare he ruin his precious little princess-whore.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

Speaking of flashbacks, just remember this: The day after Dday (maybe even the day itself?), I was quizzing XH about his sudden unilateral decision that our marriage was over (I didn’t yet know about OW, but would within days, so I still call it Dday) since it came so much out of the blue, and I asked, “Is anyone around you going through a divorce, maybe influencing you and telling you how great it is? — How about OW [who I knew, because she worked for XH, and somehow I knew she was also getting a divorce]?” And he said, “OW’s divorce is nothing like this situation.” And since he’d told me not long before that OW was “not [his] type,” it never occurred to me. — Surprise!! And, yes, they’re getting married.

Also, another thing I kept hearing is “He’ll come begging you to take him back, you’ll see!” but he never did. I always sort of wanted him to, y’know, even if it was false. But he didn’t. I tell myself it’s because I think he was always a little bit afraid of me. You know that scene in Lord of the Rings when Gandalf gets angry and goes from being a stooped old man to a towering god with a booming voice? I’m a little bit like that, and I think XH knew better than to try sniffing around.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Integrity
That line about princess whore just about gave me a flashback. 12 hours after discovering evidence of some kind of relationship with two women, he was still denying they were anything but friends. Maybe they were closer than I was comfortable with but nothing bad was happening. He wasn’t going to fess up despite promising his sincere truthfulness. So I waited until 3am (I wasn’t sleeping but of course in the spare room he was sleeping like a baby) woke him up and said “hey. I have a plan, let me what’s app her on your phone. (turned out to be OW #3) and chat as if I’m you. Then I can see you are just friends. And we can get back to our lives.”
He really didn’t want to do that. I just can’t do that. I don’t want you to upset her. She may feel defensive. She might be upset.
I was putting it as a straight out choice between us, his wife of 21 years or this woman he had known for five months. He wouldn’t do it. And I pushed. And he admitted to sleeping with her that’s why he couldn’t let me text her.
Later I found a warning text he had sent her just after that conversation “I may send you ugly texts. Please understand. Don’t reply”.

That said it all. Her feelings must be spared. Wife of 21 years, not so much.

That’s when it all snapped for me.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Ouch, Cap!! In addition to soundly sleeping, mine also whistled cheerfully the morning after the last DDay while preparing breakfast. He thought I was asleep. I watched him carelessly going around the kitchen and preparing fruit smoothies and tra-la-la-ing just a few hours after the conversation that totally broke my heart and the life I thought I have. I have been NC over 1.5 months except a few child related texts. He whattsapp’ed me a rose today and a text: You are my life.

The first reaction was to reply with sth sarcastic like ” The life you broke apart?” But I decided to keep my NC course. How long do you have to endure your cheater before he is back? Mine plans to come over beginning of March for spring break. He’ll stay over at his mom’s which is next door building. I will have to see him to discuss the separation. Not looking forward to it.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Cap, I’ve heard cops say that guilty suspects sleep soundly in custody whereas the innocent can’t sleep. In fact they said that’s a clue to someone’s guilt if they sleep soundly when under suspicion…Seems like cheaters are quite similar to criminals.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Oh, OUCH, Cap! What a colossal asshole! De didn’t deserve you!

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Ooops, make that He didn’t deserve you!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago

And when they leave, it’s our fault, the problem is our reaction to their cheating and lying, not that they are cheaters and liars. We’re not forgiving, we don’t love them unconditionally, we don’t trust them, we no longer look at them with admiration and trust. We’re sad, we’re harsh, we’re judgemental, we’re not open-minded and evolved. No wonder they leave…How could they stand this unbearable chump any longer. They just must escape this abuse, don’t you get it?!

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  happyhausfrau

MC said men don’t leave, it’s usually the woman who leaves. News to me. Made me feel even worse because I was not only getting cheated but also discarded and dumped.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Statistically, women initiate over 60% of divorces (but that doesn’t tell us anything about the causes of the divorce).

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Probably, because some of those women were the only ones that had any b*lls in the “relationship”. Cheaters are only going to go the easy way and divorce is not easy, it takes guts.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

I was aware of the statistics. I think the MC said it to prove that the traitor was really serious about leaving and that it must be a horrible relationship for him to leave, i.e. you drove him away Kiwichump.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

It has NOTHING to do with you. You didn’t drive him away. Even if you were the worst wife in the world (I’ve heard your story and you weren’t!) He left because he deluded himself into thinking he’d “be happier” with the OW. It had NOTHING to do with you. Don’t listen to that bullshit! It’s all him and not you. If they had one cell in their bodies that WASN’T made of selfishness none of us would be here! IT WASN’T YOU!

NoMoreEvil
NoMoreEvil
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Kiwi, that’s crazy that the MC would say that because these cheater/narc men will definitely leave as long as they feel they have a good/better source of supply lined up. Even though I was the one who kicked my XH out for the final time before divorcing him, I knew he was plotting and planning to escape with Schmoopie (you know a loving marriage is such a horrible prison!!!, insert sarcasm). I am glad I beat him to the punch before he could actually discard me, but the fact still remains that he was planning to leave me.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreEvil

Yeah, it’s statistical semantics: It’s possible XH would have remained roommates with me forever and ever, never even bothering with the whole “divorce” thing, so I am officially the one who filed. But only because of his actions. — Still, on paper, it says I initiated the action.

saw
saw
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Lol! Never happens!

Well Chumped
Well Chumped
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Same shock here when my Ex immediately moved on with her affair partner after DDay. Didn’t make any sense that she pretended she was still invested in our 20 year marriage during her 18 month affair, only to completely disengage when caught and remarry only9nths later just following his second infidelity caused divorce. I’ve since learned more about personality disorders, so that helps. Lol. My favorite part of the accompanying mindfuck is that the affair partner turned husband has my same name, which makes things much easier for her. Of course it’s awkward for my children, but who really cares about them? Right?

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My STBX was just waiting for the “right” OW to come along before leaving. He did a lot of test driving.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

My ex left (actually accepted my kicking him out) the first year he made more money than I did (except when I was home w/babies). He left for OW #2, who made at least as much as him at that point. Apparently never thought about leaving for OW#1; she was ‘juste’ a secretary, no money…. Good enough to suck his sick, though!!!

flutterby
flutterby
7 years ago

X was waiting for “the right” one too, after much test driving. He just didn’t count on her being even more cold blooded than he was. She left him after 6 blissful months of schmoopie lurvr.

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  flutterby

Hahaaa! Sucker!

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago

Cool for you Louiseville. I hope my future involves going hard with a fellow chump!

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

Oh, my gosh, you guys are cracking me up this morning, and I totally need it. Thank you.

Never really thought about it before, but a fellow chump would be kind of the ideal partner, but only if the cheater is thoroughly history. Having to add yet another cheater, even by association, to the life mix? That would not rock.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

This guy gets it. And, he is 12 years out of his divorce. They share custody but he has pretty good boundaries. It isn’t serious at this point, but I am having fun!
I don’t know that anyone but a fellow chump could understand why and how much I hate my STBX. He has talked me down a few times.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago

He sounds awesome. You have earned this enjoyment! ?❤️

UXworld
UXworld
7 years ago

SO many triggers here, if I tried to get to all of them I’d hijack the post. So here are just a few:

1. “People Who Judge You for Cheating Have Never Cheated” On the one hand, I will always wear this as a badge of honor. I never cheated. I was true to the promise I made to her — and more importantly to myself — that I would be the stand-up person I had always expected of myself. On the other hand, is the writer seriously suggesting that if we as people are willing to abandon the principles of honesty and integrity for the sake of self-indulgence, that we’d all be better off? I’d like to think we’re capable of better.

2. “In that way, I think affairs can be really useful, because let’s face it, life is fucking scary, and it’s hard to make big changes all by yourself.” This is spelled C-O-W-A-R-D-I-C-E. Cowardice is never useful, no matter how much you delude yourself into thinking otherwise.

3. Items 2 & 3, about all of that mind-blowing sex that can only happen when you pull away from the person you’ve committed to: this is personal because the Kunty Kibbler used the lure of exploration and fantasy fulfillment early on in our courtship — when we first met, and later when she successfully tried to lure me back in when I broke things off after seeing some big red flags (I’ll always kick myself for not taking them more seriously). The cycle began again when the open cheating started, and at that point is was totally about the sex. It became NOT about the sex the moment I discovered that she told the Carrot Singer that I was beating her — that’s when my head cleared and revealed exactly what I was dealing with.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Wonderfully put ux! I too kept my promise to asswipe and more importantly to myself. I walked away finanally after three and a half years of torture. But i am now free! In my head im still not where i want to be but getting closer to full meh every day! I escaped his miserable lying ass life he didnt.

chumpionsahm
chumpionsahm
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Well, we have to live in this skin of ours, so doing the right thing is the only way. It was ridiculously painful to honor my vows, but I was never once even tempted to do otherwise. I used to think that somewhere, deep down, cheater boy must feel guilty–after dday, he said he was in endless torture the WHOLE TIME, snort–but now I finally see my mistake. He has no “deep down”. Just none. Wading pool all the way across.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

I was tempted, once, but I walked away and shut the guy down. And so don’t talk to ME about temptation, XH, because I know how it feels, but I made a promise to dedicate my life to being your partner and it’s monogamy or nothing.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  chumpionsahm

Plenty of triggers for me too UX. But actually I’m glad CL posted this because it helps me to deal with this crap. And all these comments are so powerful. It takes the power away from articles like this and gives it back to us. The only the sex is “really mind blowing” is if they have no depth from the beginning.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

I read this whole article and what drival! Seems like the parker poodle is trying to glorify herself and condone what happened. stupid bitch. May the sun never shine on her again.

coolbreezeout
coolbreezeout
7 years ago

True signs of the narc in that she states pregnancy (and, by extension, a sexually transmitted disease) only lead to one “big problem”, and that is getting caught. Really? The only “big problem” is getting caught. And, if you are caught and alienated from your family (i.e. alienated from your own children you produced in a marriage) – the supposedly ming blowing orgasm only “probably won’t feel worth it”. As in, there is a change that there is an orgasm so great it will be worth losing your wife, your children, and maybe even the rest of your family. Really?

Skinwalker
Skinwalker
7 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

She’s probably hoping some married men reading it who are thinking of cheating will look her up. Why else are two of her pointless points about supposedly mind blowing sex that only cheating and lying can bring?

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Yep, a true narc, she didn’t have this happen to her so she can’t really relate. No empathy. The narc glosses over profound loss anyway because he/she just doesn’t feel it. They quickly move on (to the next victim) and continue to cause destruction in people’s lives.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

And just to add for any newbies … the above attitude I posted makes me physically ill. Ugh.

PuraVida
PuraVida
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Lol, Dixie Chump. I followed you. 🙂

All kidding aside, I think what’s most disturbing about this article (and there are a lot of low-hanging, disturbing fruits) is the fact that it appears to be some sort of guide for someone else to not only follow her example, but improve upon it. “Learn from my mistakes, newbie OW and do better!”

…F*ck this woman and her insane cheating entitled mind.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  PuraVida

I think the problem is really no one wants to hear it. The people that live “normal” lives are happy and they KNOW their spouse would NEVER CHEAT. I would have staked my life on it (and I did. I just didn’t know it at the time). The day of d-day, before he admitted what happened (he told me he wasn’t found out), if you had put a gun to my head 2 minutes before he said he cheated, and you asked me if my husband would ever cheat for any reason EVER I would 100% have said NO! (And then been shot. At least that would have been painless!)

“Normal, happy” people don’t want to hear that. It could NEVER happen to them. And cheaters don’t have the mental wherewithal to look into “what would happen if I cheated”? Before they do it. Because they DGAF about anything. They do it because they can, because they’ve given themselves permission, because why not? Because “life’s too short” and I’m a fucking walking cliché of idiocy and selfishness. Because YOLO! Because I’m a middle aged douchebag trying to recapture my youth with my dick. Because my life and wife and everything else has let ME down and it’s all that other stuff’s fault I’m not happy.

They have a million reasons why they did it, why they deserved it and if they thought AT ALL they would have seen one million reasons or even just ONE to stop themselves. They are so selfish you’d think “well I’ll loose half of everything” would be enough. But not if they are “SO SMART” they’ll NEVER GET CAUGHT! Ha ha! Really got one over on the chump! ?

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Preach it, Shelby! I agree to all of the above!!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

She was super smart. She didn’t get caught. People who get caught are not super smart, so they deserve the harsh consequences. Super smart people are entitled to do whatever they like without worrying about consequences to themselves, whereas dumb people deserve what they get.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

I weep for humanity. That’s all I’ve got after that.

Kay
Kay
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Me too. ?

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I do too. Well the ‘humanity’ that is cheaters.

Then I remember I’m a chump and so part of the other good part of humanity. So I’ll raise a glass to you tonight as you and all of CL are worth celebrating. A more caring, selfless and supportive bunch you would be hard pushed to find.

The above drivel isn’t worth your tears. May I suggest some more therapeutic limericks…..

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Good advice, Capricorn. I’ll attempt a few more before the noon deadline.

louisvilleflower
louisvilleflower
7 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I don’t consider cheaters part of humanity. And I don’t weep for them. I weep for their victims – partners and kids. I weep for people who weep because of them.
(It is Monday morning and I am in a “take no prisoners” mood.??)
Can’t wait for the limericks!! ❤❤❤

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago

Fuckwits calling my landline as we speak, Hang up, delete v mail, crickets, tundra, dust!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

I learned one lesson from this article: people who are OK with cheating on others enjoy the risk, so it follows, logically, that it’s actually food for them to receive the consequences. If the risk of losing this relationship is the thing that makes the sex with the AP so exciting, then actually losing the relationship must be downright scintillating, the best imaginable magical orgasm ever, the culmination of fantasy becoming reality.

Here, cheaters, let us help you get there. Bye, Douchebag!

Peakyblinders
Peakyblinders
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

One of my many cheaters enjoyed the risk, much before being caught. HOW EXCITING! There’s a place in hell….

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Well, Good for them, but probably food, too. Hey, a Douchebag’s gotta eat…

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

Where are the insightful, poignant articles from those who were faithful about the damage their careless, indulging cheaters caused? Chumps endure an intimate betrayal and continue to hold fast to integrity and honor. No one writes about the fallout or the betrayed. Thank you CL for your book, your posts, and this site.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago

Gosh, Never, you’re such a DOWNER, y’know?? Like, I mean, … like [Can you hear the Valley Girl accent, and visualize me chomping gum and twirling my hair??? 🙂 ], let’s just all have FUN, y’know? Like, just, y’know… GO for it, y’know???”

Besides, at least half the movies & films & TV shows would evaporate, since they all expect us to side with the cheater who is pursuing their TRUE selves, while old ugly frumpy boring nagging spouses are tucked into their twin bed by 9pm wearing their boring pajamas buttoned all the way up to the neck!

Sometimes I just fucking hate the world.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago

No one wants to hear that! Because it would mean that the cheater is a TERRIBLE FUCKING PERSON! And NO ONE is allowed to judge anyone anymore! We’re ALL perfect amazing unique beautiful snowflakes and there is no right and wrong. Just I want. I want. I want! If people had to hear about how fucking awful the chump felt about being cheated on then that would infringe on the rights of people that enjoy fucking strange and fucking over devoted families/partners. How DARE you use your puny emotions and an entire life built on loving trust and sacrifice to try to control me and STEAL my DESERVED HAPPINESS AWAY! You don’t know what it’s like for me to SUFFER endlessly while I pretend that I’m happy and have to say “I love you” daily to the evoke female Hitler of marriage. And how I have to sleep with my EVIL/MEAN/STUPID/FRIGID wife AND my amazing secret girlfriend! You’re SO awful and boring/bad in bed/too loving/too monogamous/not WONDERFUL FABULOUS AMAZING MEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!! so you deserved whatever I deigned to give you. Not truth or happiness yourself!

That’s what I assume is going on in the cheater’s head. Chumps are an annoying inconvenience and if they had to think about how it would feel for them if the same thing happened to them they couldn’t stand themselves and would probably kill themselves. So deflect and blame and then you were in the right.

That woman is so disgusting I actually feel physically ILL after reading that article.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Sad Shelby, you answered my question. Narcs think, talk, and write about only themselves!

Meanwhile, chumps are so others-focused and caring, they might write about their children or other interests before they’d write about themselves and their personal pain.

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

I mean if the CHEATER had to reflect on what they did to the chump they’d probably want to die

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

They don’t care. They think we brought it on ourselves.

brit
brit
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Exactly, they don’t care, and think we brought it on ourselves.

Shit bag wife
Shit bag wife
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest – nailed it. We really are all married to a PERSONALITY disorder, not even a person. They are all the same. This is unbelievable. Thank you for posting.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Sad Shelby

Sad Shelby, no they wouldn’t, at least not the Cluster Bs.

Capricorn
Capricorn
7 years ago

Never
That’s very true. It seems that cheating is seem as titillating. The combination of lies, secrecy, risk and sex. The other side of the story has not yet been told widely enough or disappointingly may not be as ‘interesting’ or ‘sexy’. Reading about the consequences of betrayal is neither of these things. Plus maybe half of all readers may be or have been or are contemplating cheating and they are unlikely to take note.
I think the more chumps speak out the more things will change. Educating the therapy and legal professions would be a good place to start too.

Lady B
Lady B
7 years ago

I’m pretty sure the sex become regular once their cover is blown no more sneaking around like teenagers. The intelligence on this site blows my mind.

NWBiblio
NWBiblio
7 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

I actually said that to XH once, “Let’s just get this all out in the open so all that titillating [yes, I actually used the word titillating] sneaking around is over with and you can have a real relationship in the harsh light of day like everyone else!”

of course, he still snuck around with her for a while so as not to appear that he left me for her, which he did, but you know these narcs and their image-management. Ha ha, XH, the joke’s on you! Society has devolved enough that now everything is justifiable and no one gives a shit!!

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
7 years ago

Once I got my head out of the toilet from vomiting I had to laugh. The delusions these people use to make themselves feel better is amazing. We can add to this dumb list one my cheater started using at some point that he thought was so clever – he started saying things like “this is the best thing that ever happened to us because it has made us stronger” and “I really should than the OW because this has brought us closer”! Barf! Oh did I mention he was still boffing the OW while saying this garbage. He thought it made him sound deep, it only furthered making himself look like the asshole he was.

kiwichump
kiwichump
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

“I really should than the OW because this has brought us closer” If I am honest, I wish I was in a position to say that, just to stick the knife in the whore…

Sad Shelby
Sad Shelby
7 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Hey STBX bring the OW over here so I can thank her for “fixing our relationship!” ? I could totally get behind that one!

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

I thought the same thing BARF….
On a lighter note and an amusing FYI, The Worm is in self pity mode; I’m having more fun without him, I don’t have time for him, could I make some time? Hilarious!???

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago
Reply to  Beachgirl

He will never hurt another person again. Lots of love, Beachgirl. You are majorly mighty.

Beachgirl
Beachgirl
7 years ago

PF
PF
7 years ago

The Fifty Shades of POOP

Don’t be judging me while I judge people who disagree with me

The sex was hot, I never knew I liked it up my poop hole. Cheating liberated my poop hole and I’m a porn star soccer mom in the suburbs.

Bathroom selfies with the toillet in the background is self actualization ART, being a cheater opened my artistic expression, cheating is an avenue to finding your inner expression and being real like margarine.

Being desired whether in the backseat of the family van, an alley behind the Walmart, or the pay per hour motel, or even better doing it in the martial bed while the spouse is at work is Desire of maximum proportion. *warning don’t be Judgy* if you judge you’re cold and anti-desire.

Cheating is not wrong….getting caught is wrong.

Shiny things are Shiny!!!

You want what you want…the heart wants what it wants and the knee bone is connected to the Boner!!!

Monogamy is unnatural, unnatural like soap, toillet paper, stop signs and deodorant.

To be continued I’m pooped tired from over thinking….ahhh I just saw something shiny.

HEIDI
HEIDI
7 years ago