UBT: 7 Reasons Your Husband Left You For His Emotional Affair Partner

I think family therapist Lisa Bahar might be trolling us. I’ve read some asinine relationship listicles in my day (HuffPo I’m talking to you), but this one takes the biscuit — 7 Reasons Your Husband Left You for His Emotional Affair Partner. (Spoiler alert: It was you. You suck.)

“She filled the gap and was willing to be a part of your relationship knowing all too well the troubles he had with you.” (Is this a naughty double entrendre? Filled the GAP? Or has divorcedmoms.com no editor?)

Anyway, it’s nice of Lisa to put it so plainly. Other articles by Lisa include:

7 Reasons Your Sexy Skirt Prompted That Rape

5 Ways Your Inadequacies Force Others to Drown Kittens … and

13 Crazy Ways Cancer Cells Divide to Punish You

The common denominator here, of course, is YOU. I don’t think that’s a coincidence. The Universal Bullshit Translator was curious to learn all 7 ways you suck, so here goes:

1. What he felt: He felt inadequate and insecure and needed your praise of what he is doing right versus what he is doing wrong in the relationship.

What the emotional affair provided him: Emotional validation that he is good and adequate, she understood his frustrations with you. She most likely provided suggestions such as flowers, gifts, what to say or not say to help make things better in the marriage.

The result: He felt heard, understood and calmer, and he associated these good feelings to the EA.

The missing link in the marriage: Both spouses were unskilled in how to validate one another daily, despite the differences, being able to identify how you are both doing and being something positive in the relationship.

She was just there making polite bouquet suggestions “Avoid carnations!” and that’s why he had to fuck her. Excuse me, form a chaste, personal bond of the sort that compels one to leave his marriage.

Women, don’t leave your men alone with daffodils and total strangers who care deeply about your marital satisfaction. He might associate good feelings with daffodils. Or strangers. Or mailboxes. Anyway, the world is a psychedelic kaleidoscope of sensory stimulation. He could bond at any moment. Remain vigilant.

2. What he felt: He wanted sex and wasn’t sexually satisfied.

What the emotional affair provided him: She made him feel desired sexually and responded with flirting and innuendos and most likely gave him some ideas on how to please you.

The result: He felt more desired as a sexual partner and more attractive, most likely leading to working out and buying new clothing as well as trying to please his spouse, but, at the same time, thinking of her. He associates the other woman’s sexual openness to his need to be desired as a sex partner. He associates these feelings to her when he is with his spouse and confusion may occur leading to obsessiveness and need for more contact with his emotional affair partner.

The missing link in the marriage: Intimacy and sexual desire weren’t consistently worked on and protected in the relationship.

There she is again, just offering your husband “ideas on how to please you” and YOU REFUSE TO BE PLEASED, frigid cow that you are.

She desires him. She is sexually open. And she is also trying to save your marriage, if you’d let her. But of course you won’t, because he’s at the gym/working late/and is listed as “Bob” in his cellphone.

You failed to protect him.

3. What he felt: Bored in the relationship, like they were “roommates,” instead of a married couple.

What the emotional affair provided: A sense of fun and play, even coordinating an event that she may be present at with her own spouse or significant other.

The result: He arrives at the social gathering, eager to have fun, however, preoccupied with the emotional affair partner. When his spouse questions his preoccupation with her he brushes off the concerns by telling his wife, “she is just a friend.

He shares with his affair partner, how the time went, and they both find a common theme, generally leading to a thought, if not said verbally, that they could have had fun together if the spouses were not involved. The fantasy of meeting and being together appeals to them both.

The missing link in the marriage: Enjoying pleasant activities together and doing the “clichéd” but effective date night. You both needed to protect and make time for one another, invest in a sitter, nanny, in-law, older sibling to watch the kids if necessary, but you failed to keep those times alive and nourished.

You failed to enjoy pleasant activities together, like that social gathering he just arrived at. You need to make time for him, even though he’s in the corner chatting with his “friend” plotting to leave you. (A friend with whom he has NEVER had sex. He plots to leave you with all his friends.)

Had you only invested in a sitter… he would’ve fucked her too.

4. What he felt: He wanted to talk to his spouse, but when he tries she is always busy with the children, work, commitments and can’t talk or find time for conversation with him.

What the emotional affair provided him: She was available and provided him company and a listening ear. This happens many times with those that travel.

The result: She becomes his companion and he feels connected to someone that does not make demands on him. He may, given the circumstances, have her join him on a trip at some point.

The missing link in the marriage: Not being mindful of when you call one another and when you are both drifting apart or disconnecting. It takes active participation to notice, remember and follow up on the call or his need to communicate if you were not able to talk at the time he reached out.

Her ears were available. This happens many times with those who travel.

Call him! Reach out! Cellphone service is not available in his area. Follow up! No, still can’t reach him. No, it’s a dead spot. No really, talk to Verizon. St. Louis is VERY patchy. What are you insinuating? HE WAS IN A HOTEL ROOM DISCUSSING DAFFODILS! FOR YOU!

5. What he felt: Controlled and not trusted due to your questioning and checking his phone, iPad, etc.

What the emotional affair provided: He may have decided to now escalate into using “burner numbers.” He gets more strategic to protect his connection with his affair partner. (question, in a situation like this, wouldn’t the EA affair partner offer him the trust that is missing in the marriage?)

The result: Adrenaline, the rush of secrecy and a feeling of being alive occurs. The addictive mind starts to obsess with the fear of not being found out, which fuels the feeling of being desired, not being bored, understood and validated.

The missing link in the marriage: It’s time for couple’s therapy. There is a need for someone to help with what is happening in the marriage, go to therapy each week. Commit to regular therapy times and protect that time will have a positive effect on the relationship. When you find, yourself checking computer use, cell phone calls and social media accounts, there is a reason for that, use your wisdom, be mindful and listen to your gut.

Commit to regular therapy so Lisa can tell you this is all your fault. It may not be immediately obvious to you that this is all your fault, so you need a trained professional.

Are you mindful and listening to your gut? Is it telling you to check his phone? That makes you a distrustful shrew who compels men to cheat on her. #yourewelcome #thatwillbe$120

6. What he felt: Guilt over the emotional affair. “I don’t want to hurt her, I should not be doing this.”

What the emotional affair provided him: His affair partner is understanding and may even make the suggestion they stop corresponding.

The result: The emotional affair most likely renews the need for a connection with random unnecessary excuses to continue to see and talk to each other. He feels guiltier which spurs on the adrenaline rush he gets from engaging in the affair.

The missing link in the marriage: Remain aware of how you are responding to his odd behavior during his affair. Odd behavior which is usually projection and accusations of you doing something. Counseling is essential at this point.

Is he acting oddly? Has cell phone reception been particularly patchy in St. Louis? Whatever chaste, not-sex thing he’s doing (looking at gardening catalogs with women who only want the best for you), he feels guilty about it. (He hides bulb catalogs under his bed, and when you’re not around he jerks off to dahlia tubers.) Remain aware of how you are responding to this. Call Lisa.

7. What he felt: Anxious and distressed about being in the marriage and desiring the emotional affair.

What the emotional affair provides him: An ultimatum or need for him to leave his spouse. The emotional affair partner desires control and wants him to divorce his wife.

The result: He tries to find ways to make his wife leave him first to relieve the guilt he feels over the affair. Perhaps this has happened to you, you may have argued, stood your ground, asked him to leave. He may go, and you separate, or he stays at a friend’s house. In these situations, divorce is in your future.

The missing link in the marriage: If this is the case, time for personal reflection, counseling, self-care, support and a willingness to look at your part in the demise of your marriage. Stick to your values, avoid generating an emotional affair as well to get back at him or relieve your own pain.

She needs him to leave you. This woman, so concerned for your marital happiness and welfare. Who cares about the quality of your floral bouquets and the sex you’re having. A woman who only listens and provides fun, but never sex! Anyway, she requires your husband to leave you. And because he is easily stimulated (mailbox! daffodil! hamburger!) he considers it.

Look at your part in the demise of your marriage. Did you express pain at his plotting to leave you? Did you ask him to choose? If so, divorce (DIVORCE!!!! SHAME! FAILURE! DIVIDED 401KS!) is in your future. He will go to her ears. Those listening ears and all the sweet, stolen nights they spent together listening in St. Louis.

He will leave for her, because you suck. Practice self care. Reflect. Call Lisa.

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Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago

Well, by Lisa’s reasoning ( why are they always named Lisa? This is my X’s new baby mama’s name too) I should have left my X sons ago! I got ZERO of my needs met during my marriage. But some of that was my responsibility, as I did not make some of my needs known or did not enforce boundaries well enough.

News flash Lisa, they should talk to their spouses about needs not get filled. If they are talking to someone else about those needs, odds are they have never even mentioned them to the spouse and are therefore themselves THE PROBLEM!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Mine was Tracy, complete tramp

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Mine was Tracy she helped destroy my marriage, lovely slut she was the right after the 4 day sex romp at sleezebag motel he came home and blamed her for everything!

Anotherchump
Anotherchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Wow!! This right here. Thank you, CL for clarifying all this for me!! I wish I could send to the ex… Wait a minute, nothing helps them to understand how much they suck!!

OhLawd
OhLawd
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Just wondering…I wonder if Lisa or Esther Perel for that matter, has been or is in what is a decidedly monogamous relationship and been cheated on. I would think that it would change their views markedly. Especially, (not that I wish this on anyone), if they realize their partner is a serial cheating, character disordered type. I think that a large majority of people think that cheating is either an “it takes two to tango thing”, or in their fear of ever being in the same situation, mistakenly think that us chumps could have done things differently that would have not lead to the affair(s). In my experience, nothing could be farther from the truth. We bend over backwards trying. I know I tried to address problems I felt; and my cheating ex, the day before Dday, had told me that he was “great” and I am the one that needs to go to counseling myself, cause he was perfectly happy. People not touched by infidelity mistakenly think that this is something preventable. Maybe so with a person of integrity. But you can be the best damn wife (or husband) in the world, and if it’s in the spouse’s nature to cheat, they’ll do it. People want reassurances in life, and these rules give spouses false reassurances that fidelity is somehow within their control. Unfortunately, we are only in control of ourselves.

YouDoYou
YouDoYou
6 years ago
Reply to  OhLawd

“People want reassurances in life, and these rules give spouses false reassurances that fidelity is somehow within THEIR control. Unfortunately, we are only in control of ourselves.”

STANDING OVATION! This needs to be a PSA on billboards, subway signs, commercials #chumpnation

Finally Awake
Finally Awake
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Hey some of us chumps are called Lisa and I have definitely never engaged in an affair, emotional or otherwise with anyone.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Finally Awake

Sorry! No offense meant.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Same here!!!!

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago

——I got ZERO of my needs met during my marriage. But some of that was my responsibility, as I did not make some of my needs known or did not enforce boundaries well enough.—–

^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago

Enforcing boundaries you are so right [getting your needs met – losing wicket, give up on that one]. But we should have enforced boundaries.

Even now during the separation of our assets, there is a problem that mutually harms us both, and I will automatically get ‘you are not the boss of me’ when I offer my [actually vitally needed] help. I will say, which I should have said in marriage ‘It is happening’.

Its a memory from marriage (resistance to taking on board anything from me, to the point of destruction) that I am looking forward to not having in my life, ever again.

OhLawd
OhLawd
6 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Yes, yes, yes, to your comment. The divorce made me realize Boundaries are something I have had to learn to implement big time, and I am slowly learning the art of assertiveness (not just with Bozo, but in life all around). But I have also realized how my ex Bozo would sooner destroy himself and everyone around him then be told what to do. He is arrogance at its finest. I’ve told people close to me a million times through our divorce, that if we were on the Golden Gate Bridge together and I told him not to jump, he would, just to “defy” me and show me I’m wrong.

Kara
Kara
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Nooes! My sister’s name is Lisa. She’s a good Lisa I promise!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

As a man, I have to agree about feeling inadequate and not getting praise for the things I do right.

For instance, I once spent an hour unclogging the toilet after the youngest flushed Barney down it. Since I didn’t get any praise for a job well done, I immediately felt the need to go fuck my co-worker.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Your GROSSE, lol

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Ah, those bitch cookie moments.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

And that whole line is a lie anyway. Ex got plenty of praise from me both in private and in public. It didn’t stop him from feeling “:unloved and unwanted” so he just had to go fuck strange. Every thing “lacking” in the marriage on that list were things the cheater was doing wrong, not the faithful spouse. I certainly didn’t get much praise from ex on anything ever.

2days19hours
2days19hours
6 years ago

Right? I was always wrong. Always mean, not kind, not encouraging. He didn’t want to do anything. But I had to praise his stupid face for the simplest stuff.

OhLawd
OhLawd
6 years ago
Reply to  2days19hours

Omg, yes I think some of our guys definitely fall into a pattern of traits, (from being a Narcissist or BPD). Mine couldn’t get enough praise from me either apparently. Nevermind he never threw an ounce my way for everything I had done. (Like go to work and pay for our nanny while he stayed home to work on getting his business started- though it was really hard to make progress…but I found out later it is hard to work when you’re talking to OW and then some all day). He was always “right” as well- could never be wrong!! Even if I googled the correct answer proving I was correct about something as little as a movie fact, he would tell me his “opinion” on a “fact” was still true. So you can only imagine how arguing on real topics went. After the divorce, I remember looking at my brother and sister in law talking at their table one day, and I told them, “it’s amazing you guys can talk to each other and he respects your opinion and you can talk back and forth about anything ”. With my Bozo, it was a one way street. No one else’s opinion mattered.

ally
ally
6 years ago
Reply to  OhLawd

Exactly same convo situation with my XH. He was always right and I was always wrong despite pure physical evidence on many an ocassion. He even spouted regular and repeated bollocks such as ‘I’m the real deal ’, and ‘you’ll never find anyone else like me’ etc. Looking back I now recognise he came out with this crap roughly every 6 weeks in our 24 year marriage thus drip feeding me this bollocks on a regular basis. And despite my working full time, bringing up kids, doing all the housework and paying all the bills, he still expected me to say well done on the odd ocassion he washed up. I never got any thanks or gratefulness for anything I did.
And while I was running around chasing my tail doing all this shit for our family? He was making sex videos with over 250 people while I was at work and kids at school. Including bringing some of these strangers into our family home for sex.
The week before I left he had the fucking nerve to claim that he had been loyal and committed to this relationship! And also that he had put every spare penny into this family – although it turned out he had a £400+ a month hooker habit.
What a total fucking bastard.
If he is the ‘real deal’ then it seems the real deal is a fucking nightmare and I don’t want it! If I ‘won’t find anyone else like him’ then thank fuck for that!
.

OhLawd
OhLawd
6 years ago
Reply to  ally

Ally,

Holy Crap!!! 250 sex videos?!?!? That’s why I say these narcs really are like bottomless pits. There is NOTHING you could do, short of, say, turning yourself into a porn star that would ever fill the void in this guy (or the other narcs). Even if you won porn star awards for best anal scene, etc., he would probably still be there telling you you didn’t do it good enough! And yes, they have a huge problem with reality- mine actually told me at one point (after I initiated the divorce) that he was the only person in my life that never betrayed me. I don’t know what his idea of betrayal is, but..then again after it came out that he cheated and he admitted to it, he still told me he wasn’t a cheater. Literally told me “I am not a cheater”. When I questioned him further about the BS, he said, “Well that’s what I did, it’s not who I am.” Ahh, to be able to parse reality like that and believe it! Your ex sounds like he is the “real deal” when it comes to being pathological, that’s for sure. Your last line there cracked me up. I wish you lots of love and happiness from here on out. I figure if we still got our sense of humor after it all, we’re half way there…..

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago

That’s exactly what I was thinking as I read that list. What a bunch of dragon snot. But it is straight out of the mouths of cheaters. She’s listening to them. She’s just not thinking critically about what it all adds up to.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago

THIS x1,000,000,000.

All that dbag got from me working full-time, caring for both kids, taking care of our home, fixing his his f-ups, me running his failed rental property business, me telling him how great/wonderful/talented his was ALL the freaking time, but somehow, got NOTHING in return.

So glad to be free of that idiot.

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago

Gotta get paid, mr. piper!

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

*eons
That X sons is supposed to be eons. Darn autocorrect

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

“If they are talking to someone else about those needs, odds are they have never even mentioned them to the spouse and are therefore themselves THE PROBLEM!”

Thank you! Mine wanted to present the divorce as “We grew apart” and said to my face that our problem was that we had insoluble “communication problems,” while insisting “I never felt like I could talk to you,” thus neatly making our “communication problems” and therefore the need for divorce my fault. Never mind that for years I was the caretaker of his emotions and emotional health and needs, often saying things like “You seem unhappy or stressed. What’s going on?”
Never mind that he had no problem at all “communicating” to me precisely and exactly down to the smallest and most explicit detail what he expected from me in the way of supporting his newfound sexual turn on of dressing in women’s lingerie and acting out the fantasy of a sexually submissive woman.

oldcrone
oldcrone
6 years ago

Ahaha! Mine, too, was quick to school me on how to have sex with him while he was a submissive woman. He even had me call him a by woman’s name and he gave me a man’s name. Knowing how unimaginative he is in general, both names were probably previous sex partners. Funny, not funny.????

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago

What the actual fuck? Did not see that coming. Well, at least you probably won’t have to deal with doubt if dumping his ass was the right choice, or did you?

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

LMAO!!!! Whoa!

Cheater would say he can’t talk to me. He said I was the only person he lied to. I called his bluff on that shit when I pointed out that he sure has no problem insulting, cussing and disrespecting me to my face. Yet his ,’apologies’ came behind a veil of text.
No…they communicate alright. We need to look at what they are communicating.

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Mine never apologized for ANYTHING. Never. Not one thing. I never heard sorry from him for anything that happened during our marriage. He was (and still is) extremely offended if any hint of accountability is directed towards him. I do occasionally get a sorry now, but it’s a sorry you misunderstood me or sorry that wasn’t my intention.

When he left, he dumped a list of offenses on me that went back years. He was angry at me for not going to his brothers wedding 2 years ago because my cousin got married on the same day and I thought we would split the events. Never once did he tell me it bothered him. All he had to do is say I would prefer you come to my brothers wedding. He held onto that anger for 2 years without ever mentioning that I hurt his feelings. How am I to correct a behavior when I’m not aware that I did anything wrong?

Snowbell
Snowbell
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

CancerChump – top of my ex’s list of my “Unforgiveable Sins of Yours That Made Me Cheat” was – 20 years previously when he was a student and I was working full-time to support us, he decided to spend a sunny day studying in the park and felt intimidated by some local yobs.
And? That’s it. I was at work miles away. But it was my fault that some local yobs intimidated him in a public park.
And he held this against me secretly, for 20 years.
Poor lamb

Sydneychump
Sydneychump
5 years ago
Reply to  Snowbell

Some of those reasons are just crazy – the things they come up with!

Yeah, my STBXW’s list of reasons for cheated including – wait for it – that I “didn’t take her out for coffees”. Seriously!

#1 – I am a Brit and drink tea, don’t like coffee, never have (don’t hate me). Been like this for the entire 13 years we were married.
#2 – We always had coffee/drinks before or after a movie, after going out for dinner etc. But apparently *that wasn’t enough*. No, it had to be a specific outing for coffee.
#3 – How could I anyway? I was the one looking after the kids whenever she went out for coffee “with her sister” (i.e. AP). Her family were useless and provided no support; mine live half a world away.

It’s mind boggling.

2days19hours
2days19hours
6 years ago
Reply to  Snowbell

X was angry we moved back to the USA (from the place we had lived and that our last baby had died at on my birthday.) I was pregnant again and in fear for my rainbow baby’s life and preferred to have her in The US. He held on to that lie forever, and I felt bad but also like wtf? We lost a real child! Later I put 2 and 50 together and realized he was a serial cheating narcissist. He’d been cheating since day one but when I found out he claimed it was the move. I just didn’t know at the time it was a pattern. He was never faithful.

BaselChump
BaselChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Sorry you feel that way is what I get

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Exactly! Every word.

CakelessinKalamazoo
CakelessinKalamazoo
6 years ago

Wow. This should have been called 7 reasons it’s all your fault your husband left you for his emotional affair partner, or 7 reasons she’s so much better than you. What a load and kick to the gut rolled up into one lovely package. And I just love how the poor husband is pretty much exempt from being a reason why the affair happened. Like he was just ensnared and held hostage by feelings and hormones, with no sense of responsibility at all. Nice.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Exactly this is what happened to me my lawyer said we see this garbage everyday

Char21
Char21
6 years ago

It infantalizes husbands, like they’re incapable of having mature, adult thoughts, and responsibilities. Give them some credit and treat them like the adults they are (with all of the consequences). Nobody is giving me snaps over doing the laundry or cleaning the toilette, it’s called ‘adulting’, and I’m certainly never ever considered having an affair, especially before actually talking about my needs to my SO!

My STBX would likely have at least some of those things on his list of reasons. But they are just poor excuses for his inability to be mature and responsible adult (avoiding stressful conversations, avoiding consequences, being selfish, and taking the easy route). Sorry, but I don’t want to teach a 40 year old child how to behave like an adult.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Char21

Exactly these types of people haven’t matured to being able to handle adult relationships and dealing with troubles like lack of intimacy

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Char21

Amen, Char21,
In my case it would have been teaching morals to a 64 year old man! He pleaded with me when I kicked him out, “I need your help to know [right from wrong]”. Um,.. sorry. That ship has sailed. If your mama couldn’t do it, I sure as hell can’t. School’s out m**F**er

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Char21

Amen!!!
I feel the exact same way!!!

struggling
struggling
6 years ago

Fuck you, Lisa.

Mary
Mary
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

????????
Right?! Who IS this babbling twat?! I hope she never has kids.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Mary

My ex husband his mistress had three children all taken away

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Yep, fuck you, Lisa!!!

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Lisa sounds like an OW.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

Tracy and Elaine

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

And a SHIT writer too.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

And a SHIT writer too.

Not making fun, I just love the echo. ????

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

And a shit writer, too.

(one more chorus from the grammar geeks)

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

Cheater herself. And a SHIT writer too.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Yep, fuck you, Lisa.

GracieD
GracieD
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Glad I’m not the only one thinking “is this clusterfuck for real!” I guess the answer is yes, and it’s name is Lisa.

Keepin’ Calm
Keepin’ Calm
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

That was exactly my thought, as well.

This is victim blaming, pure and simple.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Keepin’ Calm

Blame the victim. DARVO: deny, attack, reverse victim and offender…

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago

Yup, guaranteed that this is exactly what went though ex’s mind AND ow’s mind…and probably still does.
Their own reality and justification for fucking each other and blowing up a long marriage and ruining his relationship with his kids.
And I’m sure they feel quite smug about their choices.
Well, god bless them and their deranged minds.
Thanks, Lisa, for making people like them feel good!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Not exactly these types feel regret I know because I have seen my ex husband around town and he has aged HORRIBLY from stress

Ninon
Ninon
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Same. This, in essence, is my STBX’s narrative. Also that the end was “inevitable.” Also that he’s really sorry, he just can’t express his remorse out of his own need for “self preservation.”

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

“We only get one life and we deserve to be happy. It is unfortunate that we destroyed the happiness of so many other people, but we only get one life and we deserve to be happy.” Repeat loop as many times as needed.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

My ex told me that after he got OW#1 pregnant that it was OW#2 that convinced him to work on saving his marriage and family. Then 18months later she became OW#2.

It just let me know that while he was screwing one woman, he was confiding in another, all while lying to me. It became easier after that conversation to trust he sucks and go gray rock.

And I am disgusted with the normalizing of this behavior by society.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Hey me too the worst is the police they do NOTHING about anything. Our Canadian RCMP told me they cannot judge “MORALLY” I have been in the fight of my life for 16 months now here in Canada my kids caught in the middle. Even the judge did nothing to help, he just said it’s filthy yes but NOT illegal!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

This is why these problems are escalating my lawyer also said “DATING” sites are a huge problem. Many people on dating sites are not single

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Yep. And when I told the widow (of a serial cheating arsehole) he has taken off to be with (she thought he was single) AND another of the women (single mother) he was still (and maybe still is) talking to just a short while ago that he was not single, they both sounded shocked. Then carried on anyway. There are a fuck load of faulty pickers out there!

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Therefore if you have a wife or husband with a wondering eye, “BEWARE”!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

That last line says it all.

Canyoufeelthemehtonight
Canyoufeelthemehtonight
6 years ago

I don’t normally recommend reading the comments but well over half of them refute the article itself. Hooray!

Previously chumps just sat back and ate the shit sandwiches handed out in spades by cheaters/therapists/neutralcountrieslocatedinEuropefriends. Wondering what they had done wrong to cause another person to treat them badly. Maybe I’m being overly optimistic, but I feel the narrative is changing. We’re fighting back, knowing how many of us are out there.

And fuck you, Lisa.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
6 years ago

We need to fight back, to tell the chump’s side. But so often the comments sections of these type of articles are disabled, probably because of chumps fighting back, refuting the narrative.

Lisa, it ISN’T OK. It ISN’T the chump’s fault.

How dare you imply it is. Fuck you.

Fool me once...
Fool me once...
6 years ago

Hahaha ???? I couldn’t keep my laughter in with that last line!

Super chill
Super chill
6 years ago

I love number 4. What he felt – he suddenly wants to talk but his selfish spouse is too busy with the kids and commitments. Here’s an idea instead of screwing your “”friend”. How’s about HELPING with the shit that has to get done??
These articles just KILL me. It’s all my fault AND if only I were supper chill and didn’t get so bent out of shape about someone I loved and trusted lying to my face. Ahhhhh

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Super chill

BINGO! Mine was always complaining that the meals were not good enough, then hire a chef if you don’t like it

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago
Reply to  Super chill

This! If you’ve got the free time to sit around and pout over how your spouse is too busy with kids and housework, you’ve got the free time to do some goddamn childcare and housework! Maybe s/he’d be done with the dishes sooner if you would help instead of sit your ass on the couch sulking about it.

Kettle
Kettle
6 years ago
Reply to  Super chill

I love it. My wife was too busy with the kiiiiiids I’M SORRY, do the kids not have a father? Someone who enjoyed making them? Someone who should realise it’s not 1957 any more and fathering doesn’t mean hiding behind a newspaper when not doling out allowances and spankings?

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Kettle

PREEEEEEEACH!!!!!!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Did someone say kids? Fuckwit told me they raised themselves. Am I missing something?

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

The kids get raised by the local wolf pack. Really.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  kb

All marriages would work out if we all had servants to look after the kids and clean up and cook for all of us. There would be no infidelity, just like in royal families…

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Well technically, they can’t raise themselves given their small size and lack of skills but clearly Lisa believes YOU shouldn’t be the one to take care of them.

nomar
nomar
6 years ago

This is mainstream thought within infidelity counseling and exactly what I got in MC after D-day 1: “Figure out what was missing in the marriage, that she had to go outside the marriage to find, then work to supply that within the marriage, so she won’t feel compelled to cheat.”
#fuckthatnoise
#changethenarrative

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Pray tell what can be missing that causes a person to become a liar , cheat and thief? Pray tell what is missing from a relationship that causes a person to be verbally, emotionally and physically abusive? Pray tell what is missing?!

The answer is nothing! There is nothing missing from the relationship. There is something missing from the cheater.

Despite their ill-treatment their lying, cheating,stealing, volatility,etc…we are not driven to do the same to them.

I despise cheaters with a passion even more so now I know what they are truly made of.

ally
ally
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Absolutely spot on.
None of us chumps ever even considered cheating.
We have integrity and good characters.
All cheaters have shitty characters and a sense of entitlement.
Nothing we chumps did was wrong.
We were the backbones of the relationships and the cheaters gave zero fucks about any vows they made to us and just did anything they liked. Then they turn around and blame us for the consequences. This totally sucks.

Lisa sucks.
Lisa sucks big time.
Lisa is enabling cheaters.
Lisa can fuck off.
Lisa can fuck right off.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Agreed mine had a toxic mother and I believe that hit him big time in his 50s!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Exactly what I think.
No matter what exh2 did or said, I never even thought of cheating.
He may have shitty character, but I damn sure don’t.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I still remember Dday marriage counselor #1. Cheater Wife was sitting there lying. My gut feeling was that the marriage counselor (also cheater’s individual therapist) could tell that she was lying, but instead of pushing her she instead focused on me “sure you do all the cooking and cleaning and taking care of the baby but Cheater needs attention also”. F U lady. Some of these marriage therapists feed the monster.

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Because the monsters pay for the validation.

Geode
Geode
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

Exactly. Dr. Crazy spent several thousand dollars on “sex addict” therapy for him, me (partner) and us designed to make his prostitutes, neighborhood hookers, old flames and online dating seem not so bad.

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

YES!!!!!!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I had already been doing all of that for several years after the EA that got cut short before it could become a PA only to have the PA’s happen anyway eight years later. There is no way to affair proof the marriage. It is impossible to meet all of the needs of someone who doesn’t really want you to because he/she wants to stray and will look for any excuse to justify doing so no matter how awesome a spouse you try to be.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Agreed 200% I just gave up mine is a malignant narcissist who looks for perfection well good luck!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Yeah. My six-figure earning childless executive boyfriend told me at the end that I didn’t have enough vacation (I had 14 weeks per year) and didn’t have a good enough career, although I have a professional one and multiple degrees (interpretation: enough income for his taste). I guess that he had envisioned a childless, jobless multimillionaires to knock on his door and prostrate herself at his feet. Oh well, I guess that his work subordinate will do!

I don’t even remember what my abusive, adulterous ex-husband wanted–and don’t care.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Omg are you serious???

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

14 weeks a year! That is fucking incredible. Watch out, the disordered always move the goal posts further and further out. RockStar, you could be all kinds of incredible, which I suspect you are!-even without a SO????????, and it still wouldn’t be enough. Here’s the thing, I knew I deserved a good man (human though: I read too much, procrastinate when it comes to chores I don’t like, and struggle with my weight) even when X’s belittling and discard phase occurred. I just didn’t know why he was behaving like an asshole until I figured out he was fucking another woman. Hard to be married and cheating. Those two words just never belong in the same sentence.

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  Drew

Agreed these types are trash and remember what goes around come around

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

Agree 100%

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I heard the same thing from the ‘therapist’, the same therapist that I later learned was related to the OW. Just my luck! She actually told me that she did not want us to discuss X’s cheating. She wanted to discuss what led to his cheating. Well, that was an easy one. He is a self-entitled prick ,who thinks only of himself, and OW is a gold digger, who thought she had boarded the money train. Needless to say, I did not stick around for more. Why would I waste my money?

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Found out later that she as related to the OW??? Hope you reported her to the local governing body and that she lost her license…

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

If someone took a blank sheet of computer paper and shit on it, this would be the result. What in the hell did I just read!?

Adrenaline rush from guilt? Ha. Nooo. Its an adrenaline rush from deception.
He actually told me that she told him to buy me flowers numerous times. (spoiler: I never got the flowers) I said well if she is texting you 4000 times a month to give you “marital advice” that you needed sooo badly, then why the fuck did you not do any of the things your GURU supposedly told you to do?!!??
I have 7 reasons why… 1-7: I married a lying cheating son-of-a-bitch

Carol
Carol
6 years ago

Yuppers you and me both

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

Susan of Seattle told nowdeadcheater that maybe her role was to helpnhim learn to love me more.

Im wondering if “missionary “” or “doggy style” fucking was going to accomplish this goal most efficiently.

FTR, Lisa, i about fell over myself giving that man endless affirmations and encouragement… something he never reciprocated.

duped
duped
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I may not have kids but I never got any affirmations. The focus was on the howorker so it’s no wonder that there was not one utterance of affirmation out of cheaters mouth. And when I read the article I could just see the Howorker saying all of that to him. I bet he said plenty of sweet things to That Ho though, did not want to waste it on me. That dog face woman. He probably told her she was beautiful Bahaha ha …where’s my barf bag Oh, and the OW tramp definitely was NOT telling him to be nice to me….what a f joke that article is…it was all about her and how much she could get by probably most likely lying about how greaaaat the sex was….haha She was play acting for money…cheater fell for all the accolades. I saw the emails asking how his format was…’work speak’ for his bed performance…to which Whore replied “it was great !!!!! Thanks !!! Ca ching Ca ching.. The sound of Howorker being paid for being laid…
I hope she is suffering from the loss of now dead cheater awwww,

Patsy
Patsy
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Snort.

I never got affirmations either

Out West
Out West
6 years ago

The OW in my case most definitely was not encouraging my x to send flowers or be nice to me in any way. She was too busy screwing him in his fathers bed at my in laws house, going on business trips with him and prank calling me. As the Parkland student, Emma Gonzalez eloquently stated ‘we call BS’

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago

I had to stop reading half way through. It is so infuriating!!!! I told him i loved him everyday(and he told me.) We had sex(often.) I would like to read an article entitled “how the ow brings out your husbands dark side.” really. I would love to read that. And when i say dark i mean demon from hell dark.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

“How to Meet the Needs of a Cluster B Demon Husband”
1. Don’t have any needs
2. Don’t ask questions
3. Understand rules are only meant for you
4. Give unlimited attention but also be invisible
5. Give and give until you die

ozchic
ozchic
6 years ago

Perfect ????????????

Chumpawumpa
Chumpawumpa
6 years ago

????????????

IndigoBlues
IndigoBlues
6 years ago

OMG
Whatringofhellthisis

EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

kb
kb
6 years ago

This is the very description of the Spouse Appliance.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago

Omg! This!!!!! Ding ding ding we have a winner ????????????????????

NoMo
NoMo
6 years ago

That’s the real list all right! The twit himself even said that’s what he wanted: praise, unquestioned loyalty and respect, no questions and most of all no complaints. Oh and perverse sex and for me to make more money for him to squander. Right after I served him dinner and cleaned the house of course.

This isn’t an exaggeration either he actually demanded these things. Took me 22 years to finally walk ????

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

In the immediate wake of dday, my nowdeadcheater told me that men most want “to be admired” by their partner.

I suggested that a good first step was him behaving in an admirable manner.

Jayne
Jayne
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore, I thought ‘The Great I Am’ hung the moon, and I made no secret of that. Attention, praise, ‘listening ears’ – he had it all. Maybe too much – maybe it swelled his head so much he thought he was entitled to an intimate fan club of adoring groupies, all telling him how great he was.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Mine took the marriage counselor’s line of ” men need respect and women need love” . I said to him that respect is not for men alone. Women need respect too!

I have a son and a daughter, they both want attention, to be admired , respected and loved. Why do cheaters think it is a one way street with these things? Sorry…we know why already.

ally
ally
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

The only thing my XH respected about me was my salary. I was paying for everything, working full time, bringing up kids, doing all housework. He was working part time, holding swingers parties in local hotels, seeing hookers, inviting strangers into our home for sex whilst me and kids were at work/school and making sex videos of this secret sex life he was having. Me and the kids were a perfect cover. Everyone thought he was a family man!
He would frequently push me to get more and more higher paid jobs so he could reduce his work hours even more – more time for sex partners!
Yep, my salary was all he ever respected.
So glad to be rid of this douchebag.

AC
AC
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

It took a while, but I finally realized that it wasn’t possible for him to respect me.

The reason was because he had no respect for himself.

AC
AC
6 years ago
Reply to  AC

Example = broken glass. In my opinion broken glass is way up on the “Urgent” scale, so high that only “bona fide emergency” is cause for briefly postponing a thorough sweeping job. In his opinion, broken glass is only a nuisance priority.

Me: Why is there broken glass on the floor?
Him: Oh. I knocked over a drinking glass. I should get the vacuum and sweep it up.
He went back to surfing the internet.

An hour later he went to bed. The broken glass was still on the floor. I cleaned it up myself. I’ve got an issue with broken glass, ever since I had a slice of glass embedded in the bottom of my foot for about 10 days. The last thing I needed was for THIS broken glass to get spread across the floor.

Next evening:
Him: Why did you do clean it up? I told you I’d do it.
Me: Remember when I had the glass embedded my foot?
Him: Well, all you had to do was avoid that part of the floor. I’d have gotten to it.

Sausalito
Sausalito
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Right. Mine said he wanted to be treated like a rock star. The kids and I would be his groupies. And he said this in MC with a straight face.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnmore that would take actual work!!!

Chump Princess
Chump Princess
6 years ago

6. How to Waste Your Life Trying to Please an Entitled Fuckwit Who Cannot Be Pleased (A Memoir by Chump Princess)

7. The Care of Feeding of the Eternal ManBaby

8. I Thought It Was Me Until I Realized You’re An Asshole

Excellent UBT as always Chump Lady! Lisa needs to stop providing therapy and seek it.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

OMG! Friday challenge? In Relationships/Marriage: “I Thought It Was Me Until I Realized You’re An Asshole” ????Chump Princess for the win!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Chump Princess

I agree she should stop providing therapy, but as for getting it, well, she is incurable.

Hopeful
Hopeful
6 years ago

^^^THIS!!!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Whatringof hell,

Love it, perfect how to be a chump list!

wildcat
wildcat
6 years ago

I can’t believe that editors actually approve these types of shit-spewing articles, and just proves once again, DO NOT BELIEVE everything you read online. I believe I played the pick me dance for much longer because of this kind of deception promoted by the RIC. Victim-blaming and shaming the highest degree.

Why couldn’t this husband be an adult and talk to his wife before the talked to the AP? Why couldn’t he ask his wife for a divorce before he embarked on an affair? Why? because that would take courage and maturity – both of which these lying cheaters have none of.

Trust they suck, and fuck you, Lisa

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
6 years ago

Except they left off the end of the story. Emotional affair partner and ex spouse begin the grind of real life daily living. The excitement cools into a domestic dead zone. Emotional affair partner needs ex to stop leaving dishes in the sink and dirty underwear on the floor. Where did these four kids come from? You mean we have to take care of the offspring from the previous marriage? They are so needy and demanding! There’s no time for us! We both look so haggard and run down! Where did our 401k’s go? Ex starts looking for a new Emotional Affair support person – old EA lady starts checking his cell phone for suspicious calls. The cycle starts anew.
Fade out…

UnsinkableMollyX
UnsinkableMollyX
6 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

Hahahhhaaahahahaa, yep!!!!

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

Yup! Love it when they turn on each other. The narrative goes from “they rescued me from an awful marriage/family life” to “they took me away from a great life, great spouse & my wonderful kids”. They always have to place the blame anywhere but themselves.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Does this narrative really end up occurring. God I hope so. I have to admit that I’m having a really hard time these days reconciling the fact that my husband actually left me to be with the OW. He left just after Christmas, and I know that it’s just been a few months and that it’s still raw, but I’m going through bouts of anxiety. My husband is keeping her out of the kids’ lives for now. He’s also denying any real relationship with her when he speaks to his family. He’s not bringing her around any of his good friends yet (except one who was his enabler in the affair and that’s because he’s the only one without a wife that I am friends with).

I wish for the relationship to end. If my husband wants to leave me, that’s fine. But, to leave for another woman whom he’s been with for over a year while I was in the fight of my life to save this marriage for nothing, is just devastating. Please let this relationship end, even if it means there is no marriage anyways. Let him be on his own, figure out his shit, even meet someone else down the road in a right way. At least then, I can feel that the woman might be a good person. However, there is no way I can ever feel good about this woman (or him for that matter under these circumstances).

Doesn’t she wonder after 3.5 months why she hasn’t met any of his real friends? Hey, she waited a year during the affair and now he’s left me, so what’s the hold up? What is he telling her about his family, all of whom have made it very clear that they will never accept this woman if he is seeing her? His Facebook page is still full of pictures of us as a couple and our kids. Doesn’t she check it out and wonder why he hasn’t cleaned it out? Is she really that patient and understanding?

I know I need to let it go. I know that there is no use dwelling. It’s been a bad week.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

I know, in my case, that PoorMeBPD the OW had told Mr Cheaterpants that she expected them to lay low for a year, meeting out of the public eye, so that they could pretend that their affair had nothing to do with our breakup. They met through a mutual interest which has a very small community in our area, with everyone knowing everyone else, and she was afraid that her ‘reputation’ would be ruined if it got out what had happened, especially as she wanted to be able to use certain contacts of Mr Cheaterpants to further her cause in that community. She was totally self-serving, she didn’t give a fuck about blowing up our family, but was worried about how it would look to others and how that might affect her prospects. When Mr Cheaterpants told her that it was okay for me to talk to my friends for support (as if he really had a say) she threw an absolute tantrum, and he seemed very bewildered as she ripped a strip off him for risking her reputation. Even in the thick of DDay shenanigans that made me giggle.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  StigOfTheChump

As soon as we have settled our legal separation agreement, I have every intention of letting everyone know the truth about why he left. I will not let them get away with trying to sell their image to the world. It will be know that she is indeed an AP who was an interloper for over a year.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

One of our Chumps here states that “water seeks its own level.” When Cheaters hook up with one another that’s exactly what happens. Fucktard X didn’t turn into a bad person over night. It happened over time, just like his affair. It was a million and one small crap decisions, and choosing his dick over family. As simple as that.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  Drew

You got it! He certainly has not traded up in this affair relationship. What he thinks he’s found is an easier woman to manage, who isn’t very strong, is simpler. He can rule the roost with her so that he can feel better about himself. She is a desperate women who has been very understanding of his comings and goings. So, he sees that as much easier to work with, that she gets him.

I let him know when he left that I will never understand how going to be with a weak woman is what it takes for him to feel like a man. He did not respond.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Three years out now, and I STILL feel the same way about the OWife. If he had been open and honest with me about his desire to leave, then I would have been better about the whole thing.
Instead, he chose to be a lying, cheating, stealing piece of shit

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago

Do you have to maintain contact with him because of children? That’s the worst shit-sandwich of all, knowing that the kids are exposed to all that.

KB22
KB22
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

You are going through hell right now and I won’t lie to you it will not be easy for some time. However, you will get over it even though some days it won’t seem like that will ever happen. You are still in the early stages. Give your husband a wide berth……meaning no contact or very little. You need to be very clear, VERY CLEAR that he’s a piece of shit and the OW is a skank that deliberately set out to blow up your family. I don’t know how old your children are but I would let them know that their father is a disappointment and you wish they had a better father figure. Say it with kindness and little emotion. They need to know this is not acceptable. They also need to know the OW is a trouble making skank and unfortunately there are some nasty people in this world. Again try to state this with little emotion. To answer your question in regard to the cheaters ending up together and being miserable. All the couples that I know that left their spouses for the OW, the marriages failed. Some really blew up. The relationship was dysfunctional from the get go, hard to sustain dysfunction. I would say that less than two years in (could have been sooner) the cheater was miserable and wanted out. Some lasted a couple of years and two that I know of lasted 8 years and one over 10 years but only due to OWife hanging on for dear life. It’s a vicious cycle. On one hand it seems the cheater loves the drama and the excitement but when it wears off they are not happy. If the OWife is still in the drama phase or a crazy borderline (they live to break up homes) that gets old too. Then the financial ramifications become a reality and then comes the stress. When it wears off with the OWife they turn to their kids. Some kids are receptive and grateful to finally get the attention some kids are like, “piss off I can’t be bothered”. Again, I stress no contact and no emotion with your ex. Cheater & OW feed off the drama & your misery. It bonds them.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Thank you for excellent advice. I’ve gone as grey as possible. We have a young son with autism who has derailed since his father left. Now the kids are in family counselling and my son is starting ABA therapy again. My STBX is attending the family counselling sessions so I try to use that avenue to address issues. All conversation in person is strictly about the kids. Very little text/email except for business about the kids. I share absolutely nothing about what I’m up to in life. I ask nothing from him.

Last night, we attended the last communion preparation meeting for our kids at our church. He tells me that he’s just been offered a permanent position at his job, something that typically takes people 4-5 years, while he has done it in 1.5 years. I offer him congratulations and nothing more.

I keep all contact pleasant but limited. If he starts to share when he drops of the kids, I just say that’s nice and move him out the door to leave.

I am still attending major family functions with his family because I am close to them, they still consider me family, and they are all in complete disagreement with what he has done. I ignore him at the functions and focus on having a good time with family members. They wish he wasn’t there.

Cleopatra
Cleopatra
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

You can’t see it now because it’s too soon but you are going to be happy again. I know exactly how you feel about wanting the AP to go away and for there to be a new person in place. I used to want that too. But then I realized that my ex staying with the OW was actually protecting some unknowing good woman – the kind of person he doesn’t deserve. This helps me- to know that two characterless selfish assholes are coupled up. Meanwhile I’m at meh and I just don’t really care anymore because their lives and choices are not central to my life- they don’t matter to me. And they won’t matter to you either once you determine to make it so. It helped me to stop looking back at the pictures and asking the questions and being curious about what’s being said because those thoughts kept me from moving forward. Avoiding writing myself into his narritave and working on making my life so interesting that his story bored me to pieces was work that I not only found I enjoyed but it helped more than anything in “letting go”. It takes practice and it takes time but the hurt stops eventually. The cracks you feel in your heart create more space for the light to come in and the light illuminates and burns away all the shame and heartache. So hold on. There are better days – wonderful days- ahead.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  Cleopatra

I envy that you have achieved MEH. Do you share children? How does MEH get achieved knowing that the children are exposed to this OW and this immoral relationship? It’s so contradictory to the values in which they are being raised.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  Cleopatra

I envy you having reached MEH. Have you got children? How does MEH get achieved when you share children who are exposed to this relationship with OW? It’s so contradictory to the value system in which the children have been raised.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

I felt like you a year ago. Alas, he is still with slutface schmoopie (their affair started about two years ago so I had hoped their relationship would be struggling by now). He waited a few months and then did eventually introduce her around to his family who are at least outwardly polite and he now has her hanging around the kids as well. He wanted everybody to meet her so they could see that she “Isn’t that bad”. I still have a hard time with this because in my opinion she is in fact “that bad”. She fucked somebody else’s husband and encouraged him to tear his family apart to benefit her. Good people don’t do that. I hate that she is still in his life and that their relationship has not yet imploded. Now he wants me to stop being “petty” and be cordial to her instead of avoiding her like the plague (which is as cordial as I can be). I would love for him to go find a different girlfriend (after breaking up with this one). I would be friendly to that one. Unfortunately, I don’t have any control over who he choses to fuck and unfortunately you don’t either. Maybe your STBX’s relationship with his schmoopie will crash or maybe it won’t. The bad news is that you don’t control that. The good news is that you don’t have to ever accept it or be ok with it to move forward and live a good life without the fuckwit in it no matter how desperately he clings to the POS who conspired with him to tear your family apart. The only thing you have to accept in order to move on is that he sucks.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago

Thank you for sharing your experience. It makes me ill that my STBX will defend this woman, claiming that she’s just a “really nice person who has only ever been a good friend to him.” He’s said to me that she’s a good person who has just made some poor decisions in her life. I think he just loves being a knight in shining armor for her, and I think that she’s easily influenced so he feels like a “man.” He left me because I was too strong, and I emasculated him. He told me that he needed to be with someone who wasn’t so strong. I guess he found that someone. However, she’s a mess. This is what I have learned:

– Summer 2015: While still married to her husband, another woman writes a series of posts on cheating and homewrecking websites reporting the OW as sleeping with her boyfriend while married. Taking the boyfriend to her home while the husband was away and in the presence of their three children.

– Winter 2015-2016: She claims that her and ex were separated but living in the same house in their own bedrooms. Claims that he was aware that she was seeing other people. But she also claims that he’s controlling. Makes her work part-time in his business. Meanwhile, she is drinking and partying. There is an incidence of her driving drunk with the children in the car.

– Spring 2016: She attacks her husband when drunk. It was done in front of the children. She is arrested for assault and spends the night in jail. For the next four months, she is gone from the home (it’s put up for sale and sold). She is living no where in particular. I suspect that she took off somewhere with a man. The children stay with their father.

– Fall 2016: Court date for assault charge. Charge dropped and peace bond for 12 months put in place. No contact with husband except through writing to discuss matters with the kids. Kids stay with father. She only sees them on Thursday evenings and every other weekend. She now back in town, has her own place and is steadily working. She is seeing an “alcohol advisor” (whatever that is) and attended anger management classes. She agrees to sign a legal separation agreement negotiated through a mediation service (although the agreement has never been filed in family law court so her access to her children was not court ordered but negotiated between her and ex). She meets my husband around this time, and he’s her sounding board for all her issues. He believes that this is all about a controlling, vengeful ex-husband who is now keeping her from her children.

2017: Has affair with my husband. At first, he sleeps with her at her place and then comes home to me. She seems okay with that. Then, I find out about the relationship. Hubbie claims it’s only an emotional affair and starts MC with me. He stops seeing her but I later find out he kept up text communication. Through summer, he boomerangs in and of the marital home claiming that he feels anxiety at home, hasn’t been in love with me in a long time, revisionist history of entire marriage (even saying that he doesn’t know if he’s ever loved me), asking for time to figure himself out and crashes at a friend’s house, keeps asking for patience and forgiveness. In the meantime, he goes on dates with OW and even spends a weekend at her family’s cottage with her three children (misses our daughter’s birthday for this). He spends some nights at her place, and she even complains at some point that he treats her place like a hotel.

Fall 2017: He tell her that he needs to leave her to figure himself out. Claims to me that he’s left her and made it very clear that he’s committed to working thing out with his wife. Claims that he told her that he hasn’t been fair to me as I’ve been working so hard to save the marriage and that there can be no future for them. He comes home wholly committed. But, creates a new email account and send her the first email to reconnect within two weeks of coming home. For three months, he sends her one longing email after another. She responds cautiously at first but then starts to join him in the longing conversations. They don’t see each other, but hubbie keeps her in the loop about how he is dismantling the marriage so that he leaves me because it’s what “he wants” as opposed to “leaving me for another woman.” That’s bullshit! Leaving me on his own would have meant not being in touch with her at all, having her not in the picture at all. She seems satisfied to wait in the wings until he’s properly left. He doesn’t know that I know about these emails. I’ve also shared some with his family members to they know the truth.

Early 2018: Hubbie leaves just after Christmas. Has secured his own place. Spends new year’s eve with the OW after having paid her a visit the day after Christmas to officially reconnect. Within weeks, he is pretty much sleeping over at her house every night that he doesn’t have the kids. He’s paying for a townhouse that he can’t afford, not contributing anything financially to the kids or the marital home that is still shared. He figures that because I make more money and that we split the kids fairly evenly, that he doesn’t owe child support. They go from 1-100 miles an hour on their relationship. His emails to her over the final months of the year tell her that she’s the only person he has met in his life that he can be his real self with. Tells her that he never measured up to his “perfect” family and that he married a woman that he felt he was never enough for and so he’s been controlled by others his whole life. He explains that he fell so hard for her the moment he met her that he was initially worried he might be obsessed with her, but he now knows that by taking time away from her that it’s actually real love. She has yet to be introduced that anyone of significance in his life.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Abusers isolate. He is grooming her to expect very little.
I get you on your preference that he get a fresh person. And he well might.

Mine is very sneaky with his new person but it’s because he is running game on her.

Fill your life with new things. Empty it of him. Build new good memories. Slow and steady.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Thank you for your reply. Slow and steady is key. However, I live in perpetual anxiety of the day that the OW is brought into my children’s lives. They are young. I’m sick of the bomb’s being dropped in our lives.

Fool me once...
Fool me once...
6 years ago
Reply to  Ugh no...

^^this!

Leisa Richardson
Leisa Richardson
6 years ago

Bottom line is these people are not wired right.
Their brain is NOT normal.
And it never will be.
They leave a path of destruction with their former wives, girlfriends, affair partners and especially for their own children.
They truly do suck.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago

^^^^ Wouldn’t it be great if more marriage therapists said this out right, tell you to get a divorce pronto, and then come back to see me as an individual therapist. Too many drag it out.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Guess they got to make a buck.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago

Complaining about your spouse is a pick-up line to cheaters. Someone here said that a few weeks back and they are so right! People need to understand how slime attracts fellow slime.

KAF
KAF
6 years ago

That was the final straw. He admitted he told her that our marriage had been bad for a while (while sitting on the sofa I picked out for him in my house) That’s the only thing he actually ever apologized for but that was my cue to walk. It’s definitely the cheater pick up line

Kettle
Kettle
6 years ago

Yep. Huuuuuge red flag if a married/partnered person who’s attracted to your gender starts talking about what a shit their partner is.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

Ah, the old “feelings as justification”. I wish that strategy worked in every day life, think of all the pickles we could get ourself out of.

“Excuse me judge, you can not hold me responsible for robbing that bank! I was feeling poor and wanted to feel rich. It was in fact the IRS’s failure to predict my need to be rich that is the real issue here.”

“I had this need to be valued as an employee and my employer didn’t recognize it, so I took it upon myself to embezzle what I thought I was worth. It’s simply a matter of unmet needs.”

“I tried communicating my unhappiness to my neighbor; his lack of attention to his fence was stirring feelings in me every time i looked at it. I sent smoke signals every day, and they went unread! Since my obvious communications were ignored, my only option was to bring the smoke signals closer, so I lit his house on fire.”

“My other neighbor has a beautiful garden, that made me feel happy, but I had to walk all the way upstairs to have an unobstructed view of it – that was really too much work to do every day, so I took it upon myself to relocate it to a more convenient location… my back yard! Now I have a beautiful new garden and that old ugly fence is gone! #lifeisgood #sosorryyoumademedoit”

This is literally the type of logic that this article uses. Which of course is NOT logic, but justification. I swear I’m living in a world where half the adults in it are mentally and morally 5 years old!

“Virtue is debased by self-justification. ~ Voltaire

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities” ~ Voltaire

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

This bears repeating:

“Virtue is debased by self-justification. ~ Voltaire

“Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities” ~ Voltaire

Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

I think my situation is a case study for voltaire!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Excellent Got-a-Brain!

JustWondering
JustWondering
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Got-a-brain, you just made me laugh tea through my nose! How true!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Two words come to mind after reading each point: GROW UP!

We all have feelings but as adults we make choices as to how to respond.

Mature people don’t need validation to do the right thing. We may like validation but it is not a need.

Mature people also counter feelings with empathy for the other’s feelings.

She is promoting the ME centered universe. Mature adults do not need centrality.

I feel angry right now, I have a choice with what to do with that. I choose to write my opinion here not keep it bottled up and then go plot with an outsider on getting Lisa fired from her job and laughing at her.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“Mature people also counter feelings with empathy for the other’s feelings.” – This. God knows I had to do this often in my marriage.

Blindside
Blindside
6 years ago

Anymore, I read this kind of stuff and laugh. Not at CL’s posts (which also make me laugh all the time, but in a good way) – but articles like this you see on places like HuffPo and Your Tango. Maybe it’s another confirmation that I’m at meh that my reaction to these articles is way more laughter than anger.

While we’re at it though, when does somebody (other than CL) write an article on one of these sites directed at cheaters that says “7 Things That You Fucked Up by Having an Affair”:

1) Your marriage and any possibility of an amicable relationship with your former spouse post-marriage
2) Your children’s lives (they now live out of a suitcase)
3) Your ability to see your children (best case scenario is you’ll now see them half as much as you did before for the rest of their childhoods)
4) Your career (particularly if you slept with a COW)
5) Yours and your spouse’s financial prosperity
6) Your reputation (whether you want to realize it or not)
7) Your ability to be taken seriously by anybody that knows about your affair

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Blindside

Great list. This is why I sometimes feel sorry for ex until I realize that 2, 3 and 5 affect me and the kids as well. For some 6 applies when the cheater launches a smear campaign. Number 4 can also affect the faithful spouse as it is hard to be productive at work when your life is suddenly thrown into turmoil.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago

Oh and i do believe the part about the ow suggesting he buy me flowers. But it was only as an attempt to further deceive me. It was all part of the fun of plotting and planning. And *that* is truly where things get evil. These people get off on deception and power. That is their “special connection.” Hurting others.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

In my case Schmoopie evidently is the one who first suggested marriage counseling and even provided a reference for the MC that she and her husband had worked with a few years earlier. I have to say that MC doesn’t have a very good track record. Of course once ex actually tried to follow through on her suggestion she was hurt and upset and then made it her mission to make sure that it had no chance to succeed. “no way am I going to accept no contact”. Bitch.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago

Total bitch.

middlefingersup
middlefingersup
6 years ago

As far as I know (yeah yeah), my ex only had an EA. He contends he never cheated at all, and I struggle with that, like that what happened or my perceptions are invalid. I know that if she was just a friend, he wouldn’t have ended our marriage 1 month after she moved back here, nor taken her out to one of the fanciest restaurants in town for her bday two weeks after saying we’re getting a divorce. Nor taken her to fancy events w/o telling me. But since I don’t think he banged her until that dinner, it feels like he has some sort of argument and I hate that.

KB22
KB22
6 years ago

He obviously had a plan that he was going to dump you for the “EA” OW. Maybe she refused sex until he was separated….who knows but they can dress it up all they want he’s a cheater and she’s an OW.

Ugh no...
Ugh no...
6 years ago

My husband had an emotional affair that blossomed into a ukulele playing, bad song writing date with destiny- where she became his muse, inspiration and super sexy girlfriend!
They were able to sustain that fantasy for about one month- then the financial steamroller of divorce and the reality of what leaving their respective spouses and kids behind actually meant, blew their minds.
Emotional affairs require the same boundary crossing techniques as physical ones.

Valerie
Valerie
6 years ago

My ex told me that it was only an EA. He drove 80 miles to meet her (meat her?) in a motel on a Friday, then did it again on Monday. Swears he didn’t have sex with her. My attorney told me that he and ex’s attorney laughed about it, they didn’t believe him for a nano-second. Actions speak louder than words. My ex had cheated in the past (when we were engaged) and he knew it was a deal breaker going forward. I was NOT going to be a marriage policewoman ever again. So when I found out about the motel 2 days after he first met her there, I took 3 days to get my ducks lined up (meanwhile he met her again) and I filed. Your ex has no argument. Just because you don’t have a picture of them banging doesn’t mean he didn’t, when everything else screams he did.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

“Meat her” hahahahahaha that’s my guffaw for the day. Thanks!

middlefingersup
middlefingersup
6 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

“She’s married!” he told me (but he also told me she was divorced). Also, they are *christians* guys.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago

“She’s married too … we would NEVER cross that line, Dixie!” says BAM with much indignation. I mean, how utterly crass I was to even suggest that either of the two morally upstanding (shitty) persons would even consider such a thing much less follow through! ha ha ha … their lies are completely transparent.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

Middle, looking at your timeline objectively I think it’s pretty clear he was cheating. Sex isn’t the defining factor that makes it cheating – having ANY inappropriate contact with someone – contact that requires you to sneak around and hide things from your spouse is cheating. I’m guessing that they had been inappropriately “in touch” for quite some time, which led her to move back to where you live and probably an ultimatum from her that he had to end your marriage before she’d screw him. See: Henry VIII and Anne Boleyn for historical context. He has absolutely no moral high ground so don’t give him any. What he did was wrong and you are better off without him, no matter how it seems at the moment.

P.S. I have a very good friend I’ve known since high school who is male and married. His wife ALWAYS knows when I spend time with him. She has my email and my cell number. I use the same email and cell phone to contact him as the rest of the world. Everything is exactly the same as it is with any married female friend of mine. The last time I was in town (we live in different cities), my friend and I went out to dinner and he went with me to see a singer I like – with his wife’s blessing. I know this for sure because I stayed at their house. That is what it’s supposed to look like if you are really “just a friend” with someone who is married.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

I have a very good male friend – he is married to another friend of mine – who is like my “brother from another mother”. He was my XH’s BFF for 20 years; BFF/wife lived in the same small town and went to the same church as XH and I did, he (with and without wife) was at our home often for impromptu conversation and/or meals, and vice versa.

When XH dumped me for his married Howorker, BFF valiantly tried to convince XH that his decision to destroy our 40-year marriage was a huge (and ungodly) mistake and to come home, all to no avail. One night, 15 months into our 3-year separation and just 1 month after BFF officiated the wedding of our first son and his wife, XH invited BFF to join him for dinner “to talk”. But when BFF showed up at the restaurant, XH was on a date with Howorker; this ambush was supposed to be an opportunity for the two to meet and “become friends”… a chance for BFF to see exactly what a “great person“ Howorker was, and to “prove” that I was a far less superior specimen than she and that I had somehow “earned” being cheated on and dumped. That’s when BFF completely cut all ties with XH, but XH made it clear he didn’t care; apparently, their 20-year “bromance” was completely disposable.

Flash forward 2 years… XH and I are now divorced, both BFF and I are Zero Contact with XH, XH and Howorker are still together, Howorker is divorcing her own husband of 40+ years (much to the chagrin of her 2 children and 6 grandchildren), and our second son is getting married, with the wedding to be officiated by none other than BFF. Incredibly awkward at first, but thanks to a very creative seating chart put together by my new DIL, I had a fantastic evening!

I am happy to say that BFF and I continue with our friendship, all with his wife’s wholehearted consent and blessing. The thought of elevating our sister-brother relationship to the next level has NEVER come up; not only is there zero sexual attraction between us, but I know that BFF is completely devoted to his wife. BFF is a smart man… he knows his wife’s worth and I’m convinced he’d do anything to keep his marriage happy and healthy, especially after seeing what happened between me and XH. Smart men do exist!

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Hmmmmmmm, interested in DIL’s creative seating chart.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

That’s a GREAT story! It really is possible for normal, regular, non-disordered people to be friends with the opposite sex. It’s all about having and recognizing boundaries. As long as everything is open and above board there’s nothing to fear. When secrecy is involved you know there’s a problem.

middlefingersup
middlefingersup
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Thank you, Beth! I appreciate this. I do think she ultimately dumped him, which makes me lol.

DavidB
DavidB
6 years ago

Well then. I guess I missed out! Being a guy who never did anything right, sex 4-6 times a year, kids always were first and I had no friends because she didn’t want me going anywhere. Even taking all that in to construction, I never had an emotional friend or any type of affair! It’s character and moral flaws that lead to adultery not the spouse!

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  DavidB

that’s the crappiest part- when they get jealous that you give attention to the kid. My daughter and I are much happier now without Cheater Wife around.

NoMo
NoMo
6 years ago

That bit at the end tho…now don’t you go out and find your own little slice of happy on the side!! That would be wrong!!

Omfg

thebestme
thebestme
6 years ago

This works if cheating was a marriage problem. She fails to address the fact that it is a character issue, and you can be a perfect mate and still not meet the needs of a cluster B disordered person. All she is doing is heaping stress and anxiety on the true victim.

I know the one issue for me after 2 years divorced is the repeated abuse of society in regards to his affair. It must be my housekeeping, weight, listening skills and parenting skills that caused him to slelep around at work.

The upside is that it has helped me grow some thicker skin and the desire to please myself and do what I feel is right in my life. Surround myself with people of the same values and ability to love as myself. I am working on being the best me!

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago
Reply to  thebestme

“The repeated abuse of society in regards to his affair. It must be my housekeeping, weight, listening skills and parenting skills that caused him to sleep around at work.” This is a major point you got there, TBM. As if cluster B abuse were not enough, we’re revictimized even by our own families. But we’re Mighty!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

God forbid that I get anywhere near “Newport Beach and Southern California Psychiatric Associates located in Laguna Niguel” where this dishonest Lisa Bahar quack has a “practice”.

What a pompous ass. To thinks she gets paid to write this shit. What a waste of resources.

Speaking of unmet needs, I am at the Vet with my old dog, aggressive cancer. The third dog in a row. Sparkledick was NEVER available for these situations. Not even when middle son (a human beings) was hospitalized in psychiatric clinic. Criticized all my decisions, but NEVER changed a dog diaper. Now I know why he was too busy.

It’s much less work to look good than to be good.

Fuck you Lisa Bahar.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

Did Lisa just come back from London?

mindthegap

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The only gap evident is the intellectual gap between Lisa and CL.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

And moral gap…

SomeWhereOutThere
SomeWhereOutThere
6 years ago

Lisa, you’re an absolute turd! Guess you’ve never been betrayed, emotional or otherwise… How dare you blame the deceived spouse! Walk in our shoes for a while, bitch!!

nodancing
nodancing
6 years ago

The OW that gives marriage advice is a real phenomenon. They use the innocent bystander/good friend of the couple persona all the way to the alter.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
6 years ago
Reply to  nodancing

I once read an article that described different kinds of OW. I recognized my husband’s other woman as the one that starts out as a friend who listens with empathy to the issues that man describes in his marriage. My husband’s OW even offered the information for the marriage counsellor that she and her ex-husband used. Somehow, he thought that made her a good person.

That personality was called the “Manipulative.” She comes off as being a friend, even a social worker type who will help you save your marriage, however she does it to convince herself that she is a good person even though she’s desiring this man.

But, I also think the OW is a “Desperate” woman. Although my husband thinks that she is the most desirable woman that is wanted by many men, my response has been that if she really had men lined up the door, then why did she want my husband? No offence (or maybe some offence) to him. But, why would any woman with options choose a married guy who boomerangs in and out of his marital home for a year? Who comes to you claiming he’s separated from his wife but is just carrying a few changes of clothes in a duffle bag and is treating your place like a hotel? Move on to greener pastures honey.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  OptionNoMore

Ex’s AP was a family and marriage counselor and then wasn’t. Hmmmm. Might be a pattern there.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

“What the emotional affair provided him: She was available and provided him company and a listening ear. This happens many times with those that travel.

The result: She becomes his companion and he feels connected to someone that does not make demands on him. He may, given the circumstances, have her join him on a trip at some point.”

Hahahahahahahahaha, oh boy…it’s nice to be at the point where I can read bullshit like this and laugh. The Edgar Suit traveled to a neighboring state once a month on business. We talked on the phone every day – texting, calls, emails every. fucking. day. And I mean fucking literally because he managed to bang a whole bunch of strippers between the calls, emails and texts to and from me. So yeah, those strippers provided him “companionship” and a “listening ear” while traveling – as long as he kept PAYING them with family funds. And Lisa darling, lest you think this is different because they weren’t “emotional affairs”, to his mind they were exactly that. They were his friends, don’tcha know. It wasn’t ALL about the thousands of dollars he paid them. Nosir. Bless your heart, Lisa. You are every bit as delusional as my ex. Probably for the same reason – you’re a disordered freak too.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago

GOOD ONES, LISA! Now can you rationalize why The Almighty He impregnated the affair partner while saying it was only an EA, then left her for a third lady, then tortured the third lady through the pregnancy and three year custody battle, all the while cheating on the third lady with the second lady?

Because that shit kind of blows the chunks out of your “Unmet Needs of a Rational Sad Sausage Narrative.”

It should be a law that every sanctimonious pundit who writes this shit about her AFFAIRPROOF BECAUSE marriage should also have to their spouses submit audited credit card statements with pesky massage parlor and Bunny Ranch charges annotated. The whole of Chump Nation is not keeping Ashley Madison and Sex Workers solvent. Some of their clientele is YOU, whether you know it or not. When the time comes, welcome to the tent, Lisa!

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Luz – you ALWAYS crack me up!

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDiva

Me too!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

We only need one:

What he felt: Self-pity and entitlement

What the emotional affair provided him: A hole (or two or three)

The result: Broken homes, STDs, heartbreak and financial insecurity

The missing link in the marriage: The cheaters soul

Any area in which the faithful partner may have been lacking, the cheater was equally lacking and the faithful partner was equally neglected, but only the cheater chose to deal with it in a selfish, cowardly and harmful way. Why go through the trouble to fix what’s broken when you can just throw your family off a cliff and run off into the sunset with Schmoopie.

Triumphafterterror
Triumphafterterror
6 years ago

YES!!!! That is absolutely perfect.

NoMo
NoMo
6 years ago

Spot on. After all he deserves to be happy does he not? A flying monkey actually asked me that question and I couldn’t think of an answer

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago

Hmm, “Doctor Lisa” seems just a bit too familiar with all of the thoughts, feelings, behaviors and motivations of the Emotional Affair Partner for my liking. Me thinks she’s been one herself at least a time or 10, and continues to hone her skills (gotta love those sweet tips and tricks associated with daffodils!) with every marital counseling session she facilitates.

Fuck you, Doctor Lisa.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

I thought that same thing. Isn’t this a Mortified Nation podcast? Lisa’s journal entry from 1996 “articl-ified?”

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Spot on

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago

Mine said to me on the phone, right after leaving the OW bed at the loveshack;
“YES! I LOVE having SEX two times a day! AND she treats me like the ROCK STAR I am!!!”

Apparently, wives need to treat husbands like rock stars now.

Sagefemme
Sagefemme
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

I heard a version of this. We should be each other’s FANTASIES. Which meant I needed yoga and laser hair removal and tattoos. I needed to wear thong underwear and dress sexier. Those were his NEEDS and I didn’t care about his needs. I used to worry they would have children together. Now I sort of hope for it. Let’s see if she’s still your fantasy after two kids asshole.

NoMo
NoMo
6 years ago
Reply to  Sagefemme

He demanded things like that but there was never any money left in the budget to even try. Had to have the newest phone and a brand new quad and be gone almost every weekend having his “me” time o.O

TKO
TKO
6 years ago

I think Lisa is just a failed dog trainer who decided to apply her skills to couples therapy.

The cheater for her is simply an innocent untrained puppy who poops on the carpet. What else would he do? He wasn’t given enough positive associations with controlling bodily functions by his adult human spouse.

She lays all her interpretations, directions and responsibilities for whatever bad behavior exists upon the human owner – because it would be ridiculous to expect a puppy to train itself.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

I think I might have hired her as a dog trainer a few years back. I had this women who was supposed to be a great dog trainer (recommended by a friend of a friend) come to my house to help me train my two new puppies. In our first session she told me that I needed to keep the puppies separated as much as possible because otherwise they would grow to love each other and become attached and would be sad when one of them died. Uh…………. So, should I apply that logic to the other members of my family as well?? Okay thanks. I will get back to you about scheduling another session (not). Sounds like the same kind of logic ol’ Lisa would apply.

PrisonChump
PrisonChump
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

So funny and sadly true! Thanks for the laugh TKO!

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

when I read it I thought the same thing. It seemed like the cheater was some sort of pet that needed to be fed and patted on the head.

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago

@Lisa, I hope you are familiar with cognitive dissonance, being a family therapist. I hope you do know what you are echoing here are the cognitive dissonant responses of men and woman who cheated that were given as justification to their betrayed spouses, and not really reasons that actually had any value other than to soothe the cheaters’ conscience? If not, please leave your license at the door and leave.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  OneDaySomeDay

BOOOOM!