UBT: ‘I Am Alone Now and Want You Back’
Her abusive husband writes “I am alone now” and wants her back. He doesn’t apologize for cheating on her or hitting her. How can she stay strong and no contact against his continued manipulation?
***
Dear Chump Lady,
My husband of 16 years severely abused me physically, verbally, financially and emotionally.
He is 15 years older than me and getting into his late 60s. I stayed because of my son and because I wasn’t financially stable. I am an immigrant and he used that against me for years, threatening to have me deported and separated from my son. He wouldn’t let me work and whatever money I made from work-from-home jobs would go into the joint account.
Despite this, he would tell me that he was taking care of me financially, so I owed it to him to be respectful and not talk back when he was angry and aggressive. He did many other awful things to me (such as take all my savings and pay off the mortgage on his house, but refuse to put me on the title; and is now saying that all of the house belongs to him; verbally abuse my mother and threw her out of the house when she was visiting me after the birth of my son – for objecting to him hitting me 10 days after my c-section; breaking my nose after an argument, knocking me unconscious once; and the daily humiliations and verbal abuse for raising my voice or objecting to anything he said or did).
The last straw was when I found out he had been cheating on me for years with a former girlfriend.
(He cheated with her on his first two wives as well). I still stayed for most of the same reasons, but I refused to have sex with him anymore. We struggled to and fro for a year or so from D-Day. I left a couple of times and returned. He has never apologized or accepted responsibility for anything he has ever done.
One day, my dad passed away and I had to go to my home country for his funeral. The day I returned after burying my dad, we had an argument over something trivial and he assaulted me. My 15-year-old son intervened and got hit too, following which my husband called the police and threatened to have both of us arrested. I left.
Since then I have gone no contact with him.
Your blog and posts have been a complete lifesaver, helping me understand what I went through for the past 16 years. I never want to put myself back in that space again. I am now working on getting back on my feet financially and taking care of my son.
But my soon-to-be-ex keeps sending me messages from various phones and through friends and relatives. Here is his latest one. I still feel sorry for him. While I do not want to go back, I still feel the familiar haze of sympathy and compassion and feel bad about asking him for fair asset division. He says he is old and needs the money for his various ailments (he has a heart condition, suffered a stroke and has diabetes too).
Would you please put this message through the UBT so I can regain my sanity and not feel sorry for him?
‘I Am Alone Now…’
“Baby, I wont give up till the time the divorce is final. I am still asking you to come back and bring our son with you. I am going through a very rough time and God knows it. I know you are blaming me for what happened but that’s not true.
God is all knowing. You have a sharp tongue and I have a bad temper. In the process we ignored and didn’t understand the Consequences… I had plenty of time to think about this and am unwilling to take all the blame. I know there is a way out and a way to put this back together.
Simply put, we both were Immature in this regard and destroyed a beautiful thing like marriage and family. There is no way we can go back and fix things and for sure we cannot forget anything, but we can forgive each other for our immaturity and stupidity. And I know for sure that’s what it was. Stupidity.
I for one now understanding what beautiful thing marriage and family is… that I am about to lose especially my OUR SON. I WANT HIM BACK AND I WANT YOU BACK.
I know you are smart and I acknowledged that to you many times, but at the same time I am beginning to think that you are also stupid in some regards. Because I am just short of begging you to come back, but you think that you will be better off with out me, and in the process ignoring every one else in your life.. WHY? Because you are Stubborn and under the impression that the life will be better for you and (son).
But you are wrong. Think of the times when you were in (city). And imagine how lonely you were when you used to come back to your apartment after work, turn the lights on and find your self all alone. I am alone now. I only see the kids on Sundays. I am again feeling the torture of being alone by myself like before we got married. Being alone on holidays, eating out by myself.. These are very awful thoughts.. I am not wrong when I think that you will be reliving the past life.
Both of us will have to be matured and not be taken by our rough nature. I know we cannot change our character or what we are made of, but we can be mature and can manage our behaviors.
This is irrelevant, but I do want to mention it. I need a valve replacement of my heart. This can be tomorrow or in a year. It all depends on how I feel. With that said, you are abandoning me now that I am old and getting older, and perhaps needing to fix these old age issues. I will be holding this against you in the day of judgement. I am going through a rough time and not sure what I am doing. Trying to keep my self from going insane.”
I know he’s just manipulating my emotions, because every time he has done this before I have gone back to him, even after he has hit me physically. I just need your clear and practical comments so that I can see through the haze of my stupidity. Thanks!
Stupid or Selfish?
***
Editor’s note: In a follow-up email with OP, I learned she has a lawyer (paid for by credit card), has moved out to a location he is not aware of, has a ring camera, and does NOT have a protection from abuse order on the advice of her attorney. But does have a hearing coming up and is worried about the future.
***
Dear Very Strong Woman in a Domestic Abuse Situation,
You are neither stupid nor selfish. In fact, you’re incredibly mighty for leaving, and for enduring his crap to this point. Please stay strong on the no contact, and only communicate through your lawyer until you get that hearing. (At which point I hope law enforcement intervenes.)
I’m not a lawyer, just a lady with a blog, but I have been in a DV situation with a cheater and I absolutely could not have gotten out without the help of professionals. I really hope in addition to your attorney, you’re in touch with a women’s domestic violence organization. Womenslaw.org has a list of them in the U.S. as well as a legal help line staffed by law students. Often these groups can set you up with free or low-cost therapy, find temporary shelter, get you off waitlists for housing. Please, PLEASE research your options in your area. .
Because FWs want you to believe you have no options.
They’re your only option. Fuck that all the way to Sunday.
The Universal Bullshit Translator is a snarky machine that feeds on levity and Lebkuchen. Your creep is scary, but he’s no less ridiculous. So, we’ll throw his bullshit into the crushing mandibles of our favorite translation machine. Just promise me you WILL NOT go back to this fucknut, okay?
Baby, I won’t give up till the time the divorce is final.
I won’t give up until the heavy boot of the law is on my neck, or I find a new chump to distract me. But hey, aren’t my pathetic threats romantic?
I am still asking you to come back and bring our son with you.
I am still marveling that you have agency and my mindfuckery isn’t working.
Sad sausage self-pity channel
I am going through a very rough time and God knows it.
But let’s pivot back to me. Did I mention ME?
I know you are blaming me for what happened but that’s not true.
I know you’re blaming me for cheating on you and assaulting you, but I have no idea whose fists those are or whose dick that belongs to.
God is all knowing.
When in doubt, appeal to some patriarchal godhead to do your manipulation for you.
- It’s not me who wants you back, it’s ZEUS.
- Allah sees what you’re doing here and He does not like your attitude!
- I speak for Jesus when I say: return my rent deposit.
Holy false equivalence, Batman…
You have a sharp tongue and I have a bad temper.
We’re the same really. Me, a criminal fuckwit, and you, my punching bag. Were it not for your salty language I never would’ve shoved your head in that wall.
In the process we ignored and didn’t understand the Consequences.
I never thought you’d lawyer up and leave me. Let’s make this a “we” problem.
I had plenty of time to think about this and am unwilling to take all the blame. I know there is a way out and a way to put this back together.
If I keep the portals of communication open, I know there’s a way to get you to doubt yourself and take me back. Because, hey, I’m the total package. A disordered, wife-beating piece of shit who never takes responsibility for his actions. #dreamboat
Simply put, we both were Immature in this regard and destroyed a beautiful thing like marriage and family.
I destroyed my beautiful family. Let’s blame it on immaturity. I am nearly 70.
There is no way we can go back and fix things and for sure we cannot forget anything, but we can forgive each other for our immaturity and stupidity. And I know for sure that’s what it was. Stupidity.
We can’t fix this or forget it, but hey, you could give me a blank check on that forgiveness thing! #stupid
I for one now understanding what beautiful thing marriage and family is… that I am about to lose especially my OUR SON. I WANT HIM BACK AND I WANT YOU BACK.
Let me express my deep appreciation for the beauty of family by assaulting a 15-year-old child. Similarly, I revere the Constitution by suspending civil liberties. And admire my neighbors by defecating on their doorstep.
The important takeaway here is that I WANT things. And my grubby id is all that matters. Not your feelings.
Mr. Charm
I know you are smart and I acknowledged that to you many times, but at the same time I am beginning to think that you are also stupid in some regards.
I could not sustain a compliment through an entire sentence. Imagine how great I am at relationships.
Because I am just short of begging you to come back, but you think that you will be better off without me, and in the process ignoring every one else in your life.
You will be so better off without me. Ignore anyone who says otherwise, like me.
WHY?
I am having a very difficult time sitting with the uncomfortable feeling that I suck.
Because you are Stubborn and under the impression that the life will be better for you and (son).
Goddamn your lucidity.
And back to the self-pity channel.
But you are wrong. Think of the times when you were in (city). And imagine how lonely you were when you used to come back to your apartment after work, turn the lights on and find your self all alone. I am alone now.
It’s just me. And a cold can of sardines. And my limp dick. Aren’t you lonely thinking of all I could offer you? A punch in the face. Wage theft. Insults.
Can’t you imagine coming home to your apartment after work, turning on the lights and finding me gone? And the sweet, sweet freedom of that? COME BACK!
I only see the kids on Sundays. I am again feeling the torture of being alone by myself like before we got married. Being alone on holidays, eating out by myself.. These are very awful thoughts..
Heating up a Hot Pocket for Thanksgiving. Alone. Where is my wife appliance? Is she cooking a delicious meal without me? These are very awful thoughts.
I am not wrong when I think that you will be reliving the past life.
A life free of me. Imagine that.
Both of us will have to be matured and not be taken by our rough nature. I know we cannot change our character or what we are made of, but we can be mature and can manage our behaviors.
I am not mature, I cannot change my character. I cannot manage my behavior.
This is irrelevant, but I do want to mention it. I need a valve replacement of my heart.
This is irrelevant because I have no heart. Had I actually been in possession of a heart I would not be an abusive, cheating fuckwit. Nonetheless, you should care about me. Pity seems to work on chumps.
This can be tomorrow or in a year. It all depends on how I feel. With that said, you are abandoning me now that I am old and getting older, and perhaps needing to fix these old age issues.
It’s maybe kinda heart disease. Might stroke out, might live to punch another wall. Who knows? How can you abandon such a delightful person?
And now it’s the rage channel…
I will be holding this against you in the day of judgement. I am going through a rough time and not sure what I am doing. Trying to keep my self from going insane.
When I get to the pearly gates and Thor is there with his thunderbolts, and Saint Peter with his taser, I will be evening the score. Me and all my god bros.
I am insane. However, I know exactly what I’m doing: Manipulating you to take me back again.
***
Don’t take him back! Stay strong and let us know how the hearing goes. We’re here for you.
The OP here is neither stupid nor selfish.
The OP would do well to remember that the first principle of First Aid is to not become a casualty yourself; she can best look after their children if she takes whatever measures she needs to to look after herself. Her Cheater is an abuser who refuses to take responsibility for his choices and is clearly going out of his way to avoid the consequences of his actions/behaviour. The OP owes him nothing (to quote Henry V) but “slight regard and contempt.”
I can only hope that the OP’s upcoming hearing goes her way (and it’s great that she’s “Lawyered Up”), and that she gets both the support that she needs and the outcome that she and their children deserve .
LFTT
Oh lord. There’s no way this woman should entertain ever going back to someone who has to capacity to hit a woman 10 days after a C-section. Or someone who continues to assault her and her son. He’s not even taking any responsibility in his atrocious excuse making note. There’s also no way he’s ever going to change at nearly 70. His history with wives speaks loudly. He doesn’t deserve forgiveness or sympathy. He deserves divorce and asset splitting and heart attacks. Please stay safe
Thank you, CL, for following up with the letter writer and ensuring she has taken steps to help assure her safety.
Letter Writer, I grew up in a violent household, and, like your son, interposed myself between my father and my mother when he had her down on the floor strangling her. Please believe me when I say your son wants you safe, and your son needs you to be strong and stay no contact and divorce this man. If you find yourself wavering, find your courage in knowing that by staying away from this man you are protecting your son from the damage inflicted on children from living in a violent household. My mother left and divorced my father when she was 52, after thirty years of marriage, when he threatened to harm my sister (I had moved out by then). She told me that for years after she left, every night when she got into bed she was thankful she was free from my father’s violence. You deserve that same peace.
Wow, I’ve ready every CL post from the very beginning but this whackjob is probably the worst I can remember!!! Surely if the twat called the police on YOU AND YOUR son there is a record of just one of his violent outbursts. Honey, I think you hold all the cards here so lay them all out for your lawyer. Please, please, please do not go back to him. He needs a nurse and if by chance he gets better he WILL kill you next time! Good luck hon!
Right. He could kill her this time, meaning — she is in danger still, now, even if she doesn’t go back to him. It will of course be much, much more dangerous if she does go back to him, but she also needs to take serious precautions now. He’s unhinged.
True and he’s unhinged in a way that FBI profilers warn signifies risk of escalating violence, specifically this thing of “borrowing” justifications from moral authority– in this case scripture– which is part of something called “neutralization” or how serial offenders destigmatize and “neutralize guilt” for their offenses both retroactively and proactively. In other words, it sounds like he’s preemptively “destigmatizing” himself by borrowing from scripture so you’d have to wonder what he’s planning that needs to be spiritually laundered.
Also I would assume the more “righteous” the moral authority is that’s being borrowed from, the worse the threat might be. Some killers use scripture to justify their crimes before the fact, some “find God” after the fact to self-exonerate (Chris Watts, Manson killer Tex Watson, “Son of Sam,” etc.). In any case, it’s not just in the movies that killers design attacks around scripture to preemptively exonerate themselves. The movies were based on real cases.
There are a few weird word choices and irregularly capitalized words in the letter, including the ominously capitalized “Consequences,” which smack of scriptural reference as if this guy is channeling his inner Cotton Mather while writing the letter and thinking “I shall smite thee!” So, as a risk assessment exercise, here are the corresponding biblical condemnations and proscriptions associated with some of the things the OP is being accused of.
There are other red flags for escalation like the fact he describes himself and his present and future bleakly and without hope– i.e., he’s depressed or maybe even suicidal. I’ve heard veteran cops say they read certain signs in abusers like suddenly forgoing bathing and grooming, bleak rhapsodies over the hopelessness of life, etc., as “REDRUM” because the inward-turned aggression of suicidality tends to suddenly turn “outward” in violent individuals.
Because I don’t know if the guy has weapons or knows how to use them, I wouldn’t be able to guess what the official risk assessment would be on a scale of 1-10 but it seems a bit high. From the OPs story, this abuser engaged in every form of coercive control like financial abuse, weaponizing immigrant status, threatening kids, etc., and it’s coercive control itself that’s considered the “golden thread” that most accurately predicts risk of lethality.
I’m not just trying to be spooky for the fun of it but because I know first hand how, in the wake of trauma, a lot survivors tend to feel burdened by shameful avoidance of appearing like they’re over-catastrophizing or “over-reacting” probably because, along with other forms of emotional abuse, most abusers tend to weaponize accusations of victims being “crazy.” I think the OP would be perfectly sane and justified in taking every single measure possible to protect herself and children.
This phenomenon of erroneous capitalization is new as of (ahem) 2015. A certain politician (I can no longer say his name) thinks it telegraphs emphasis and authority, and now others are following suit. It indicates that the writer is both unhinged and unintelligent.
I always wondered if he-who-shall-go-nameless picked that up from corresponding with his radtrad evangelical advisors and backers. Because it started as verbal emphasis in religious sermons as as way to whip congregants into a frenzy, politicians in regions with particularly fanatical religious communities may do it for the same purpose. Because it supposedly signals that someone is “overtaken by the spirit” or “channeling God,” it’s can be semaphore for power within certain communities and provides a way to give a divine glow to completely unspiritual agendas.
I also suspect it’s a way to intimidate, kind of like flashing gang hand signs to the degree some of these religious communities are collectively violent. He-who-shall-go-nameless no doubt knows that some violent sects view him as anointed by the divine so I wouldn’t put it past him to play it up as part of dog whistling to his mob.
As I read this horrible Fw’s letter to the OP, all I could think was “What a THUNDERING CHEEK!”
” The CHEEK of him!”
Lord help us, he’s BRAZEN! He’s basically telling the OP it was HER fault he abused her all those years and yet still deluding himself that he can lure her back by blaming HER!
Un-feckin’- real!
Not one jot of compassion for the OP and her son, not one jot of genuine remorse!
Please don’t feel sorry for him OP, if he’s ill now, he’s only reaping what he has sewed really and it certainly is NOT your fault nor your son’s! He does not deserve either of ye!
Now he’s ill, he’ll end up in hospital and he’ll be looked after by paid professionals who get to go home at the end of a shift and have days off and holidays, and who know how to be firm with difficult patients! I was a nurse for years and I can tell you some patients would try the patience of Job, but as a nurse, you get breaks from them! Yourself and your son would be trapped with him 24/7 if you went back to him and all the hard work you’ve done to free the 2 of ye from his abuse would be undone!
Stay away from him OP I beg you! You are not being cruel or selfish to do that, you are protecting your son and yourself from a very toxic and I would say, evil person who only wants to use and abuse you again!
The most important thing I needed to get out of a violent relationship was to be in very frequent communication with my local domestic violence prevention organization. That meant calling the hot line before or after any communication from him.
Getting my mind and thinking in the right place and keeping it there required the assistance of experienced help. IT IS ESSENTIAL.
Here is the link with the phone number to my local resource.
https://centerfordomesticpeace.org
Please locate a similar organization closest to you.
Please call, keep calling, and keep talking.
XXOO
❤️
This is great advice. I agree: for getting past an abusive partner’s manipulations, it’s essential to have OTHER VOICES you can listen to–over and over again–to keep clearing the fog of psychological coercion. Calling a hotline is a fantastic idea.
PS…
DO NOT GO BACK.
He is on track to kill you and could also kill your son.
❤️
This is the kind of “man” who could kill you if he gets a chance. He knows that he’s on the hook for child support and maybe alimony and is furious about it.
When he married you he expected a compliant Wife Appliance who would give him a son, serve him regular meals, and keep his house clean. He thinks he owns you.
My friend, your soon-to-be-ex-husband is a monster.
I don’t know which God he claims to believe in, but I don’t know of any God who thinks it’s acceptable to hit a woman when she’s recovering from childbirth. If he really believed in God he would be terrified of receiving punishment for his evil deeds on the day of judgement. Instead he’s acting like God is his hired goon who will make you get back to work taking care of him and his son and his house.
Please stay safe. Never, ever go back to this monster.
Yes, and the way he invokes God to justify himself and his abusiveness is almost blasphemous IMO!
The sheer hubris of it is galling! The Deadly Sin of Pride? I’d say it might be!
OP, you asked if you are stupid or selfish, and Tracy replied you are neither, you are a strong woman.
My ex was much like yours, except for the two prior marriages. I was asleep during his initial violence, and he claimed he was too, dreaming of kicking soccer balls, when he kicked my ankle, then my knee, laming me for years at a time. Then after DD, he beat me unconscious, and like your FW, assaulted my tween when he tried to protect me.
I’m concerned for your son, who has to see his violent, abusive father weekly. Does son think he has to comply in order to keep YOU safe?
In many states, there are penalties and consequences when a child witnesses domestic violence. Sometimes it seems to have more consequences than being the victim of child abuse. Make sure you ask your lawyer and DV resources about this. Because of it, my ex was not allowed to see tween without a written apology approved by therapists, and it took him four months to write and acceptable one, with help from three therapists. After that, he was limited to supervised visits by Zoom. Throughout separation, he called tween secretly to threaten more violence. Then he filed false reports about me, which involved CPS, and they determined that HE should have no contact with tween, and the court agreed.
He recently told me he will never forgive me for not bringing tween to see him in the health facility during Covid, because he was lonely and frightened by the corpses stacked in the hall outside his door. You heard that right. HE won’t forgive ME for refusing to violate court orders and expose both tween and I to COVID fatalities because HE was lonely.
If you feel your resolve weakening, stay strong and prioritize your son. FW has multiple ex’s. Your son has only you as the sane parent. Don’t go back to FW and put your son in the position of fearing for your safety. Your resources can help your son get free or low cost therapy and support, and at his age, he should be able to choose not to see his father. Ask if his father is pressuring and/or threatening him, and report this to your lawyer.
You are strong. Stay strong! And stay safe. Life is happier when you aren’t constantly afraid for yourself or your child.
“He recently told me he will never forgive me for not bringing tween to see him in the health facility during Covid, because he was lonely and frightened by the corpses stacked in the hall outside his door. You heard that right.”
OMG. Just…. Words fail me, as they seldom do.
Gosh, they could seriously be brothers. My ex sometimes wrote things like this during our long-distance separation and in cards to our kids. FWIW, he had multiple mental health diagnoses and was also a dangerous person. A favorite refrain was that he “might not have much longer.”
What kept me on track was the trajectory of the marriage really hadn’t been “a beautiful thing” in a very long time. The last year together had been seriously damaging to me, and he truly didn’t care. It was all about him. If anything, he blamed me for struggling with how horrific things had become and even twisted things up, saying that I had broken my wedding vows when he was the one who had taken off. And he pulled the health card, wanting to reconcile before it was “too late for him.”
But here I am nearly five years post-divorce, and I have no regrets that the marriage ended. I might not be alive if I had reconciled, and I truly believe that he was incapable of being a decent marriage partner and parent. Reportedly, he’s in a longer-term relationship now, and we haven’t heard from him in several years. I know he’s still alive because I still get automatic payments from his pension. So much for not having much longer.
Dear Very Strong Woman in a Domestic Abuse Situation,
I agree with CL that you are an incredibly strong person. What you’ve had to do to survive all these years proves it. Part of that would naturally have been the residual “Stockholm syndrome/captor bonding” you’re still apparently feeling towards this violent abuser. That also kept you alive.
Veteran advocates and experts on domestic violence like Evan Stark don’t knock the “bonding” tendency and don’t paint it as pathological because sometimes it’s only because abusers believe their victims are 100% loyal that abusers will let these victims live. But Stockholm syndrome is not actually love or loyalty as much as it feels like it is: it’s actually the furthest thing from love– a deep ruse meant to promote survival within dangerous captive situations. It works because most abusers/captors aren’t entirely immune to displays of loyalty from victims/captives. Like most ruses, that appearance of loyalty is more credible if victims fully believe it themselves. It’s extremely effective until it outlives its necessity and captives either miss opportunities to escape or the bonding lingers for a time after victims escape.
From what I learned as a former advocate for domestic abuse survivors, the above is pretty much a given for most people in these kinds of circumstances, even for experienced professional intelligence specialists who are captured and subjected to certain interrogation tactics which, by the way, DV experts report are virtually indistinguishable from the tactics used by domestic abusers. It’s the reason spies are never given whole parcels of state secrets but only bits and pieces because it’s known that, if captured, everyone “cracks,” bonds with captors and spills whatever they know. It’s also why captured spies are “deprogrammed” after release– because, to survive, almost all will have bonded with their captors to some degree.
So please consider the strong chance that any remaining pangs of sympathy you have towards your STBX are simply remnants of your internalized survival ruse, not real. I know that a lot of abuse survivors initially find that idea rather unsettling to the degree that abusers typically base threats on victims being “unloving.” This kind of “You never loved me!” goading (which is typically followed by an attack) works as a powerful form of brainwashing where survivors defend themselves by saying “Oh yes I do love you!”… because, if they don’t claim this (and moreover believe it), there will be hell to pay. But chances are, you haven’t actually, truly loved this individual from the first time he laid a hand on you but, if he’d seen evidence of this, he might have taken the gloves further off and actually killed you.
In short, you are likely alive today because your brilliant subconscious mind played this ruse. But now that you’re taking steps to get free, the bonding tendency is only working against you. I agree with CL’s and everyone’s recommendations to contact survivor networks and see about getting support from therapists and advocates who specialize in domestic violence and post-traumatic stress. They’ll know exactly how this works for most people and how to loosen the lingering bond. I would also recommend the exercise of writing out every terrible thing this abuser ever did or said to you and your children over the years, keeping the list by your bedside and rereading it every time you wake up.
Something else that often helps kill any lingering bits of captor bonding is when survivors catch wind of the character assassinating lies their abusers are telling everyone who will listen. Even if every victim of abuse is unique and individualistic, abusers are virtually all the same. They all do and say the same things, think alike, pull the same vicious tactics, commit the same blameshifting. They might only differ in terms of level of violence or lethality.
Speaking of which, this strikes me as an extremely high risk situation according to typical “lethality checklists” used by law enforcement:
Another red flag for violent escalation is when abusers indicate they’re depressed and see themselves as being “at the end of their ropes.” This is why I’m a bit mystified by the lawyer’s advice not to get an order of protection. Consequently CL’s recommendation to reach out to pro-bono DV legal specialists is a great idea if those resources are available. And, depending on the statute of limitations for domestic assault and child abuse charge in your area, I would consider the possibility of getting this dangerous abuser criminally charged.
Even if the statute of limitations has run out on past assaults, please don’t pull another legal punch in that regard if he tries anything again. Unleash the full wrath of the law on him if possible because once he’s in the criminal system it’s going to be easier to get police protection from him. Your son is a victim and witness, your mother is a witness. I’m sure there are medical records of your past injuries. Consider gathering all of this evidence together and being prepared to use the evidence to strengthen a criminal case in the case your STBX goes rogue again.
I hope that the feedback you’re getting today helps boost your resolve and helps to convince you that everything this abuser says about you is a lie. Not only are you not weak, immature, selfish or stupid, you’re actually quite extraordinary. Not only is your future not a barren lonely wasteland without this thug but you have legions on your side. Please stay safe.
P.S. Something else I learned as an advocate is that virtually all batterers cheat and that the discovery of cheating is frequently the “last straw” for victims which prompts attempts to escape. Unfortunately this is often misinterpreted by bystanders and even some legal professionals either as a) a sign the victim is a pathological masochist (because they were “jealous” of the cheating) or b) proof that the victim made up the abuse out of jealous revenge.
But the above interpretations miss the fact that most victims deeply intuit that their abusers may only be letting them live to the degree that victims are still “sexually useful” to abusers. Consequently, however bad the abuse was before the cheating, victims sense (quite accurately in a lot of cases) that being “sexually replaced” is a signal that the gloves will fully come off and the abuse will escalate, sometimes to lethal degrees.
It’s usually only when the danger of remaining in an abuse situation starts to exceed the very considerable risks of leaving (75-fold risk of being killed upon escape for the first four months, then a remaining elevated risk for the next two years) that most survivors make a break for it. Cheating seems to be universally read by people’s lizard brains as a signal that the danger of remaining just skyrocketed.
When Cheater wanted to dump me and start a new life with Susan of Seattle, it wasn’t that I was sexually useful, but I was the Child Tending Drone that he needed. I love my kids, but 2 of them were teens and Im sure that Susan wanted absolutely noting to do with raising my then teenagers. That alone probably kept me alive.He had alluded to the fact that he could easily kill me from time to time.
It may be so. I can’t speak for your situation at all because I wasn’t there but, just in a purely logical sense, the only way there would have been to test your exFW’s sense of “sexual dominion” over you is if you’d suddenly met the love in the middle of the discard.
If your ex was like most batterers, he would have sensed this telepathically the second it happened. And if he’s like a lot of batterers, he might have instantly shifted from detached contempt, total sexual disinterest and sneering devaluing into rabidly murderous territoriality.
According to the “masked dependency” theory of domestic batterers, part of the reason for devaluing victims is for abusers to spellbind not only their victims that they lack “mate value” (in order to keep victims faithful by default by destroying self esteem and hope for a better future) but also to convince themselves that no one will ever want their victims because abusers find the idea of a rival replacing them so life-threateningly catastrophic. Personally I think it’s kind of a no-brainer that one of the motives to cheat instead of simply ending a relationship the second the randy FW encounters a willing extradyadic bonk prospect is that they don’t want their partners doing the same. It’s enforcement of one-sided monogamy.
It can get confusing because some murderous cheaters like Fotis Dulos seem to be “triggered” to murder former partners by custody disputes after they’ve already appeared to “move on” with some OW or other. But I think what some forensic analyses of these situations miss is the fact that these characters never really cared about their kids at all (like, duh, proof being they were willing to permanently traumatize their kids by murdering their children’s mother). They only value children as tools of maintaining control over former partners and, maybe particularly, the power to keep sowing so much chaos in their victims’ lives that it’s nearly impossible for the latter to construct new and better lives with new and better partners. One hint of this is that, like a dog with two bones, Fotis Dulos had originally tried to force his ex-wife Jennifer to accept the OW and even demand that they all live together in one house. Then things began escalating from the moment Jennifer said “fuck that noise” and filed for divorce.
Of course there are all sorts of logistical problems with victims of domestic abuse and cheating trying to test the “masked dependency” theory, one of which is the fact that one could very well end up getting murdered in the process. Then there’s also the fact that mate-poachers are the worst and the fact that– no matter how horrific someone’s primary relationship was– it wouldn’t be wise to fall in love with anyone who’d even consider taking up with an individual who was still married/attached. And then, statistically, it’s mostly serious abusers who like to play “rescuer” for damsels in distress.
In any case, it’s hard to know if it was really only your broodmare/nanny-bot skills that kept you alive. It might also have been his demented perception that, if he whimsically changed his mind, he could always claim you as sexual property again.
I really want to read all your stuff HOAC but sometimes my brain is fried and I can’t take any more coercive control content, like rn. I don’t wanna miss any of it, is best of HOAC available somewhere (I know there were some links to articles)? I know you’ve got nothing better to do than devote your time to giving away free content to ransoms on the internet.
Eta Freudian slip – of course i meant randoms
I’ve now got images of HOAC being held hostage in a dark room being forced to produce coercive control content round the clock in some sort of ironic stockholm syndrome dystopian nightmare. “Tell them why their ex husband and Ted Bundy are essentially the same person and then you can have a sandwich”.
Yep brain fried.
OMG, that image is hilarious… possibly partly because there’s a wee bit truth in it. Even if I’m not starving in a gulag and having to think and write about this stuff at gunpoint, I do kind of feel “compelled” to do it.
As my kids are getting ready to launch for college, I’ve been both fantasizing about all the things I might be able to do with all that future free time as well as wringing my hands over the economics and logistics of funding the kids’ educations while going back to school myself to get an advanced degree in forensic psych for the purpose of writing and agitating about… coercive control.
So maybe there’s no literal “gun” pointed at my head making me do this but, especially after the recent US election, I feel all fired up on the issue.
When you are coercively controlled by coercive control.
Lol, I’m a slave to passion. 😉
My ex FW had me apologize for what I made him do, after punching me in the face five times with a closed fist. That was over 30 years ago. I can still feel the scar of my split lip with my tongue, it reminds me.
This guy sounds SO much like my ex. I also was new to the United States when I met my 10-years-old-than-me husband. I was only eighteen years old at the time, and I was trying to make it in a new country all alone. These guys know how to exploit vulnerability.
For years, he had sole control of the money, while I faithfully handed over my paychecks. I insisted he open a savings account, and I made sure we deposited some of my money in it every month. Well, finally, I got suspicious enough to go to the bank and get statements. The money was all gone. He had been draining my money out of the savings account as soon as I put it in every month. I still don’t know where it all went, but based on his gambling habit that has emerged since we divorced, I strongly suspect he was spending time in casinos when he was “working” those extra hours that never seemed to produce more money. I also discovered he was paying for sexual services. Furthermore, he was stealing money all over the place–from the church, the school, the government… He was even still getting a subsidy for a foster child who no longer lived in our house.
When I left (after he bashed the windows out of my car in a rage over me taking control of the finances and refusing to let him steal anymore), he ran off with most of the assets and left me with the kids.
Now he has the sadz because the kids don’t talk to him, and it’s all my fault, of course–the fact that he rages on the phone every time they have talked to him is their fault, not his (the way he tells it).
He sent me a letter that said that we need to put the past behind us and work out our problem. He said I needed to get a better attitude toward him and let him have his freedom to do what he wants, or I would “keep being miserable forever.”
I laughed so hard. It was such obvious projection. I am not miserable. I have more money than I ever had in my life now because he isn’t spending me into oblivion. The kids are doing great. I enjoy my job. I have lots of friends, and I’ve reconnected with some old friends that he isolated me from. I’ve been able to travel back to my home country for visits, which I love.
My ex told me also that what he did was just “immaturity.” I said to him, “Well, you are sixty years old. When were you planning to grow up?”
OP, I’m telling you all this so that you know that life gets better on the other side. These guys are vampires–they suck everything they can get out of you. If you take him back, you will just lose more of your time, money, and health. He is not going to mature. He just wants a free nurse maid and cook. Move on with your life. Stop reading his whiny letters. He can go find another chump to support him. For you, the grass can be greener.
Good gravy I couldn’t even finish that drek text message from the STBX. What drivel!
To the OP: stay the course and this Nation is behind you all the way. I do know how hard it is to not sucumb to that pity party. I did more than once. The ex-fw in my story also was older just by a bit but had numerous health issues. I was more worried about who would save him during his next heart attack than my own health.. both physically and mentally/emotionally…
and oh yeah… the next schoompie will… trust me.
And even if there isn’t a schoompie to call 911… it’s no longer your problem. It’s his issue because he made choices to put himself in that position. He also has agency and he made those choices all on his own.
We have a heart and we were human to enough to actually care for someone. He however, it not and does not. That is not about us but about them. They can go pound sand.
The last time I left… with the knowledge from this blog… I firmly went no conact. Miraculously I have stayed out this time! I did experience a couple of moments where I wanted to break that no contact because our brains get addicted to those stress hormones… it is just like any other withdrawal. I knew that so when those moments happened I just started making lists of ALL the reasons why I left … starting with the most henious. Most of the time I didn’t have to list too many others because you know… they’re henious acts that we don’t need in our lives anymore and we have the space to make those rational choices now.
I hope you keep us updated and sending much love and positive vibes for a speedy resolution to this situation so you can move on in peace and freedom.
” I did experience a couple of moments where I wanted to break that no contact because our brains get addicted to those stress hormones…”
Excellent point! Every time my phone dinged with FW’s ringtone (the clown car horn) or I saw his name in my email queue I would startle and get a flood of adrenaline. When the abuse started to die down I actually missed the drama. You’ve hit on a great explanation for that.
It’s actual scientific fact… we over produce cortisol and adrenaline when we’re in those high stress environments. Our body/brain get used to them so when we leave the situation and those levels go down, our body first thinks something wrong rather than different. Our brain and body then creates the dysregulation and the feelings of being upset and out of sorts. So when the fw enters back into your sphere again… bam! those levels go back up and we “feel better” … only it’s not “feeling better” or ” this *must* be loooove” kinda thing.. it’s about sustaining the unusual levels of cortisol and adrenaline.
As a former addict 2 decades ago, once I figured that out… I *knew* how to withdraw.. I have that down … so when I left for the final and last time… I treated myself like I was in rehab/withdrawing again and did all the things that go with that. Even went back to some recovery meetings for about a year just to keep stablized and on track. I’ve been fw free for almost 3 years and it’s been the most peaceful time of my entire life. This group was key to me finding my way and understanding so much of why I stayed stuck and kept going back. This Chump Nation is where the real work is done! <3
Every time I think “Okay, this one is the most psycho one ever” — another new candidate emerges from the ooze.
This guy is an absolute jackhole. He is trying to get Very Strong Woman back by insulting her? That’s his move? The only stupid one here is this idiot liar.
Very Strong Woman, you will be okay — as long as you stay far, far away from this dangerous person. Absolutely get in touch with a domestic violence organization, because abusers become even more enraged and (yes) murderous when a woman leaves. Please get advice and protect yourself. Be prepared for him to get much more ugly than this b.s. text.
Mine thought he could get me back by insulting me as well, a whole host of fabrications. Then he approached the divorce with his attorney as though I was a child, “Poor Elsie, she’ll never make it without me, but this is what she wants. I’ll be kind and good.” That lasted a matter of weeks, and then it was an all-out war to put me in my place. In time, his attorney got sick of that, though, and began telling my ex that it was a waste of time to push in certain ways because I wasn’t going to budge.
Much later when we were finally down to negotiating a few remaining issues, his attorney told mine, “My client was convinced that your client was a pushover, but when you called to say that you were representing her, I knew that was a lie. Elsie knew to hire a heavy hitter and did.”
I am amazed by that too–that they think they can win you over by insulting you. My ex sent me an ranting letter about how I needed a better attitude, and then ended by saying he wanted to get back together. I showed it to my therapist and she laughed and said, “What part of that letter is supposed to be romantic?” He alienated his kids the same way–yelling at them that they are bad Christians because they don’t forgive him, ranting about their mom and calling me “evil” to them.. and then he wonders why they never call. Must be my fault. It just shows the level of entitlement that they cannot fathom why insulting someone might result in them not wanting to be together.
This man is a potential killer like mine was. My therapist told me to FILE and get a PROTECTION order STAT and not to return to his office until I had followed his instructions. There is no time to waste in handwriting. I did what he said and in 5 days with careful planning,I had my husband locked out and served.
Maybe his diabetes and heart issues will get to him before his sad, broken heart does. What a sad, pathetic sausage.
One can hope but even a dying snake can give a fatal bite as they say.
Today’s letter has shown me in very graphic ways, the potency of smoking the Hopium pipe with added hallucinogenic drugs and a sprinkling of memory loss. Not to mention the brain washing of YEARS AND YEARS OF ABUSE to be the scape goat of a mentally ill man. Abuse and blame becomes normal everyday. It is shocking the mind games they play. You must leave as I did at 69, because dementia and abuse do not get better with age. ED sets in and the push is Harder to blame and hurt you and your child. You have zero time to waste. I’m sorry you had this horrific person as a husband. Many like you are out there, prisoners of abuse.i pray for us all.
I vote that he has his valve replacement now so that he either 1) strokes out on the table and leaves everything to wife or 2) regains enough strength to answer all the needed documents for the divorce that he cant stop.
I appreciate CLs wit in how the UBT cut through the bullshit for us, but Holy Nightmare, Batman…this woman has been through IT.
Dear lady, stay strong, circle the wagons of support you have and stay as far from that monster as you can get.
Blessings to you and your son. You are mighty and will triumph in the end.
There are a ton of ‘I’s and ‘me’s from him in this letter, which makes sense because his griping is of course all about poor old him. Most telling about a main point he is trying to make is “I am unwilling to accept all of the blame”.
The ‘you’s: you are blaming me, you have a sharp tongue, you are smart (the lone positive thing), you are stupid, stubborn, and wrong. Wow, what a charmer! 😅
What irks me, because it’s all too familiar with my abusive cheater, are the ‘both’s and the ‘we’s and ‘our’s that he uses. It’s a perverse tactic to tug at your heartstrings and any guilt you may be dabbling with (I think all chumps do to one degree or another).
If he can get you to believe that you are also to blame, he can control you. And continue to act like he’s the victim. Sister chump, please don’t take on one tiny slice of blame. The problem is NOT YOU.
But it’s a very real, dangerous problem in him. Stay strong and mighty and seek experienced professional DV help like Tracy and others advise. Cheering you on!
Yes, people like this are incapable behind all the talk. You can’t expected anything but same-old-same-old from them, period.
Dear letter writer (and yes, you are very strong),
I’m so glad you wrote, as your husband has pulled you into a deep whirlpool of manipulation that will continue to be effective only if you don’t hear the voices of others who can see through him. Please reread the comments on this page every time you find yourself doubting your own resolve to stay away from this dangerous man. And advice like Velvet Hammer’s–to find a hotline to call whenever you feel vulnerable–is great.
To this end of hearing other voices, I’ve also found it helpful to watch videos, over and over again, that decode the special techniques abusive people use to get you to do their bidding. It’s very freeing to see that it’s all just a bunch of manipulative tricks! What’s helped me most, though it only deals with narcissism (without the added dimension of physical violence) is the YouTube channel of Dr. Ramani (she’s so smart, and such a friendly ally!): https://www.youtube.com/doctorramani
And finally, what most stuck out for me in your letter was one word: “selfish.” That little word controlled me for a long time, even though it’s a total lie to think a person shouldn’t make a choice FOR HERSELF to get away from someone who is gravely hurting and menacing her. Your husband tries to push the “selfish” button when he says “You are abandoning me.” It may be helpful just to realize that when words like “abandoning” and “selfish” pop into your mind, they are just tiny little words that used to push a button in you but don’t need to any more.
What worked for me, in this regard–and I say this just in case this tactic might help you too–was to turn this kind of horrible manipulation on its head, and to reply, just in my head, “Yep, you abusive FW. I am abandoning you. You harmed me, over and over again, and now, as the inevitable consequence, I’m abandoning you.”
We each find out own mental tactics for talking back to the manipulation, but anyway, keep coming back to this site! And again, I’m so glad you wrote.
I just want to add, if you do feel lonely–and you doubtless will (I’m dealing with the loneliness myself!)–remember that the loneliness isn’t some kind of punishment or proof that your decision to leave was “stupid” or “selfish.” It’s just a price you are willing to pay so that you won’t get beaten up anymore.
Just want to note his typo/incomplete delete:
“…my OUR SON.”
He thinks of OP and their child as his property to do with as he wishes. As CL notes repeatedly he doesn’t believe OP truly has agency and is finally breaking free of his abuse.
I dealt with this too, the “you can’t possibly survive without me and you’ll come to your senses soon” attitude. Of course we all fear at some point that we can’t do it all alone, but that doesn’t make it true. FW saying it definitely doesn’t make it true.
OP, do not believe anything he says about you. I know you are in a vulnerable position but none of that reflects on what YOU are capable of.
Also what might be a typo: “I only see the kids on Sundays.” More than just the one son? Maybe the others are girls, or boys that are too young to be of use to him? Idk.
Holy narcissistic snake from dark hell🤮. Except this one’s only got 2 channels, Rage and Self-pity. Not even a fake generic copy-paste attempt at charm …uurgghh. And the sheer entitlement and contempt dripping from every word…
I can tell you OP after my own experience with an abusive ex: No Contact is the answer. You’ll heal. You’ll thrive. Even your worst, hardest, loneliest day will be a walk in the park compared to another moment with this jerk.
Also as someone mentioned above, This type can be very dangerous. He’s old, sick, getting desperate, and probably realizes he has little left to lose. He can harm you and your son. Don’t even dream of meeting with him ever. Any communication strictly by your lawyer. Prayers for you.
Very Strong Woman – the major point of No Contact is to deny the abuser any ability to manipulate you. You won’t have to resist his manipulation if you have no knowledge of it. However, it’s very important for someone you trust to read his letters in order to give you and your lawyer information, and to suss out credible threats to your safety. CL is spot on as usual: “I really hope in addition to your attorney, you’re in touch with a women’s domestic violence organization.”
Please use all of the resources available to you; it’s obvious this man is bat-shit. Meanwhile, stay strictly NC and when you remember the crazy shite he has written to you just think in your head #kthxbye.
We all know that people with psychopathic traits don’t learn from our kindness. We can’t police our tone so they don’t feel threatened. We can’t teach them how to love us if they don’t see us as people.
There is an article out today that shows people with psychopathic traits don’t even learn from painful consequences.
If they can’t or won’t learn, the best we can do is detach with love and protect ourselves. I would argue that someone in their sixties is highly unlikely to change, Never go back.
https://www.psypost.org/people-with-psychopathic-traits-fail-to-learn-from-painful-outcomes/
Who could resist; “You’re stupid and it’s your fault I beat you. I’m an old dirty bastard who needs a caregiver, so get your ass back here pronto and tend to my every need.”
That’s my 30 second UBT.
Very Strong, in addition to telling yourself not to feel sorry for violent sociopaths anymore, please also go NC with any relatives who allow him to send messages through them. They obviously don’t have your back.
This FW is scary – but its interesting that he still is trying to play all the same fuckwit cards – the letter write is seen as an aspect of himself…we are both not mature, your rough nature(!) = my violence- even the term rough nature which is ridiculous is really his nature…and then if all else fails invoke divine authority….God, juidgment day…..blah blah hes worried about judgment day for his behavior ….essentially its the same story of so many disordered people – weak people always try to invoke God on their side to give their weak irrational arguments seemingly more validity – good luck to the letter writer and her son – she will be happy to be free of that FW who so obviously sees her and her son as property …hope she never has to talk to him in any setting again….the feeling sorry for him thing – even if misplaced takes longer to go away , im pretty sure its just brainwashing from our past – when you feel sory for him reread your letter again above ^
“I will be holding this against you in the day of judgement.” It’s a well known trait of cult leaders. They really believe they’re directly channeling God and feel the right to control their follower’s lives, punish dissenters or threaten them with hell etc. And when it all falls apart they tend to wanna mass-slaughter their flock too.
That’s why most recent current events terrify me.
God is indeed all-knowing, so he knows everything he’s done.
I hope your lawyer and the police will know it too, so he will really feel all those consequences. Because he knows as well as we do that a judge is not going to see this as a conflict where all parts are equally to blame. At. All.
As everyone has said, I do think you’re in danger now, because he feels threatened. Do not contact him except through your lawyer.
I hope you get everything you need in your hearing and wish you all the best.
God really is not going to think about this extremely violent abuser twice.
I think you’re putting too much faith in the justice system. Most judges, prosecutors and law enforcement officers are male, and many of them do not see this as a conflict where all parties are equally to blame. They see it as a conflict that can be settled by slapping the little woman down when she gets too uppity. Ask me how I know this.
Agreed Ruby. From working in the Domestic Abuse field and from talking to, in great part, women survivors I know that perpetrators often wear a uniform or otherwise interesting garb to work.
This is one of the most brilliant deconstructions by the UBT yet.
“Me and all my God Bros” 🤣
As you say, Fucknut is a, repeatedly, abusive and dangerous person, toward you and your son. He is toxic. He will never change.
Reading his letter as an outsider, I can feel the insanity, thinly veiled venom and disrespect – And that’s him ‘playing nice’!
Your actions to remove yourself and your son from this destruction show how mighty and wonderful you are.
You’re also made of different stuff to him (and he knows this).
You are compassionate. He’s desperately pressing all the buttons and pulling all the levers he can find to leverage that beautiful trait in you – but only in order to benefit himself.
I made the mistake with FW1 and to a lesser degree with FW2, in allowing my compassion to be manipulated.
Now that I look back I can see that whenever that happened, Inevitably it would be to my detriment. Always.
I wish I had known then what I’ve only learnt now. That you can leave (no contact btw) someone and that this can still be an act of compassion. It can still sit with your values:
Leaving and staying no contact is an act of deep compassion for yourself and your son.
You can also compassionately release this person to the workings of God and the universe – with the authentic wish that you don’t wish them harm.
In other words, you don’t have to hate him in order to recognise that he is disordered and to protect yourself from his poison.
His issues are baked in for life. You’re allowed to give yourself permission to close the door on this.
My ex, when she finally talked to me about divorce after 2 years of playing house with the cousin, said that she had “all these problems”.
Really, you don’t say.
And what did she want me to do about them?
Don’t know, don’t care.
Her cousin can take care of it, he was supposedly SO much better and smarter than me so it’s his problem.
She wanted him do bad, according to her own texts and journal.
Can’t blame me for the marriage breaking down, I tried hard to keep it together and actually get things done.
She stepped out of bounds, and refused to actually do anything to work on it.
But she has all these (self inflicted) problems.
I know the solution, more cousin humping.
That should do the trick.
Basically she now has a problem with the consequences of her actions.
Too bad.
I warned her years ago, “don’t put out the fires of the heart”.
She raced to piss on the fire and complain about the sudden cold.
Thank you Tracy and all those who commented. You all have no idea how helpful your comments have been. Things are hard for me right now in all ways – financially, emotionally; but I am moving forward – one step at a time and one day at a time. I do not wish him or anyone else any harm – and I hope that he finds the guidance and sense to repair his broken character and life. I just want to be free of all the abuse. Please send up a small prayer for me and my son as we move forward in our new lives – alone and hopefully peaceful, content and looking forward to whatever comes next.