UBT: “I’m Not a Terrible Person”

Dear Chump Lady,

I confronted my husband about his affair just before Christmas. He has been carrying on with a coworker who was also supposed to be my friend WHILE I WAS PREGNANT and continued the affair after I gave birth. I have kicked him out and am in the process of filing for divorce. But his dumbassery continues. Here are some of his best one-liners thus far:

“I stepped outside the boundaries once or twice”
“I am not feeling the things a husband should feel.”
“It’s not “an affair” in that sense of the word.”
“We are just friends. I didn’t tell you I slept over at her house cause that would have made you mad.”
“I’m not a terrible person, despite what you may think.”
“I am scared my body is wrong.”
“I have had periodic feelings of falling out of love and in my darkest moments I went to her for support.”
“I have had a periodic emotional affair”
“Your private investigator is impacting my pysche and making me a hermit”
“You should have the decency to tell me who your private investigator is”

Leah

Dear Leah,

That is quite an assemblage of mindfuckery you have there. Congratulations on being so MIGHTY as to throw him out after giving birth — and then having the anthropological presence of mind to catalog his idiocy. This could be life-saving research. I bet a hundred chumps will raise their hands in solidarity at “I am not a terrible person.”

The UBT is still recovering from the last Esther Perel article, but would like a crack at it. Get the ol’ transponders moving…

“I stepped outside the boundaries once or twice”

Hey, I came close to monogamy. It’s a numbers game and my overall average was pretty good. Are you so unreasonable as to expect a perfect score?

Whatever. It was trifling. One cannot be expected to remember if fucking a co-worker while you were pregnant was a singular occurrence. Could’ve been twice.

“I am not feeling the things a husband should feel.”

Because what matters is FEELINGS not behavior. If you don’t feel like a husband, then you don’t have to act like one.

The UBT is feeling particularly homicidal today, and not its usual perky self. Guess it’s okay to go drown some kittens.

“It’s not “an affair” in that sense of the word.”

It’s a jabberwocky. King’s X! Doesn’t count!

“We are just friends. I didn’t tell you I slept over at her house cause that would have made you mad.”

You’re irrationally angry about my friendships, so I must sleep away and take shelter from your unreasonableness.

The problem is not what I did, it’s how I perceived you might react.

“I’m not a terrible person, despite what you may think.”

I feel that I am a splendidly awesome person! And my feelings make it so! (Not my behavior).

Your thoughts do not factor into my self-regard.

“I am scared my body is wrong.”

I am incontinent.

“I have had periodic feelings of falling out of love and in my darkest moments I went to her for support.”

Who can best understand my fleeting feelings of ennui more than my co-worker who will fuck me?

This is not an affair. It’s a support group of two. Our affliction is you.

“I have had a periodic emotional affair”

There might’ve been a scintilla of a whiff of an iota of fucking around. It was periodic. Nothing to concern yourself with!

“Your private investigator is impacting my pysche and making me a hermit”

I use “impact” as a verb. I should hide myself from polite society as hermits do.

“You should have the decency to tell me who your private investigator is”

How DARE you investigate me! Just because I cheated and harmed you does NOT give you permission to find out about it!

You should have more decency, Madam!

****

Enjoy your new fuckwit-free life, Leah. May the coworker enjoy his “periodic” fidelity.

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UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

Hands way up here on the “I’m not a terrible person.” Got that several times early on, when she was briefly trying out all three channels of mindfuckery (before becoming permanently stuck on rage).

KK has a Greatest Hits album that she played over and over again as I was building and perfecting my gray rock shield. But the one I heard most was:

“Go ahead and judge me. Just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life.”

Because … lacking perfection, every human flaw is equal. Loading the dishwasher ‘incorrectly’ is as much cause for anger and destructive rebellion as falsely setting your husband up for charges of domestic assault.

Jessica
Jessica
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

That, and “You should give me credit!” (that he wouldn’t do it again, while still kept lying about what he’d done)

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Exasshole constantly told me “I’m not a monster”. Yes, yes he is.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

I called Dancing Dick a monster! His response: I’m not a monster!
Just like Peter Boyle on Mel Brooks’ Young Frankenstein!

There is no other word to describe someone who intentionally deceives you, lies to you, gas lights you. Monster fits the bill.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Mine said that too. “I’m not a monster”. What the hell? He’s a total monster!

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  Flowerlady

They really are stupid and pathetic creatures. Mine would say, sarcastically, actually taunting me, do you think I’m a bastard?? Just say it, I’m a bastard…,

Me, being the Mega Chump, (cringe) would say, no, not wanting to hurts feelings..
Foolishly expecting us to have an intelligent discussion this time..

The answer is an absolute yes, without question.

Arnold
Arnold
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

The more I read of these things they say, the more I realize how pathetically dumb some people are. I must admit that one of the main impediments to my ever considering reconciling with my first wife, who I had really loved and been good to, was the embarrassment I now felt about being with someone so pitifully dumb.

Ozziechump
Ozziechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Yes; if I had truly known how stupid he was; I would never have hitched up and wasted 36 years of my life on my one woman team! He took up a good mans seat! But no more!

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Ozziechump

Like the way you put that, Ozziechump – MIGHTY!

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Well said, Arnold.

And, nice to see you pop in again.

Kate50
Kate50
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I got the “I’m not a terrible person” too, then I got, “why are you trying to crucify me, I didn’t murder anyone”. I didn’t even know how to respond after that statement.

Caroline Bowman
Caroline Bowman
6 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

No you didn’t, it was a different commandment you broke. Well. Actually hang on, now… if you commit adultery and lie about it, is that two commandments or do we roll it into one?

Gosh I’m not sure. Hey ho, never mind.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

After extracting and listing facts from a self-serving email he sent me, I got “why do you want to vilify me?” Poor sausage… Knowing what I know today, I’d reply “your actions speak for themselves.”

But I’m grey rock , no more putting my head in that blender :)!!

Bud
Bud
6 years ago
Reply to  Kate50

What a stupid thing to say. On my D-Day my cheating ex-wife said the same thing. “It’s not like I killed someone”.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Bud

Only someone’s heart,

That counts!

AC
AC
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

No, the cheater didn’t literally murder someONE. That would have been easy.

Cheater did something WORSE. Cheater left his/her victims alive to suffer!

And yes, cheater DID commit murder. Murder of trust. Murder of fidelity. Murder of integrity. Murder of respect.

Some years back there was an anti-drunk driving TV campaign. The spokespersons were people who had been in a drunk driving accident and lived to tell the tale. Their faces were scarred. Burned. Teeth knocked out. Major broken bones. They were crippled. Yes, they lived, but…

The ad campaign was potent, but it didn’t last long enough. People don’t like seeing the truth when it’s visceral and ugly.

No, the drunk driver didn’t literally commit murder. Would have been easier if he/she had.
No, the cheating spouse didn’t literally commit murder. No, s/he did something harsher and uglier, something that the chump and kids are going to have to live with for a VERY long time.

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  AC

Perfectly put, AC – and my feelings precisely. Thank you,

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I also got to hear the word “perfect” thrown around a lot.
“I guess everyone expects me to be perfect.”
No, actually the bar was a lot lower. But I do expect you to be faithful.
“YOU’RE not perfect, either, Mr. High and Mighty.”
Yet, I still managed to be faithful, the ACTUAL standard being applied.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

It’s like they never matured emotionally past junior high.

To Chumps, it’s so straightforward. You’re either faithful or you’re not. Why the endless word salad and justification overflow? Image. Gotta keep the image.

Glad you’re free and traveling the world. May everything good and beautiful come your way.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

>>”“Go ahead and judge me. Just remember to be perfect for the rest of your life.” Because … lacking perfection, every human flaw is equal.”

I always felt knee-capped when the jackass serial cheater threw the “Like you’re so fucking perfect” line at me. No. I absolutely was not (and am not) perfect. That is so completely beside the point, though. Not only did I not lie, gaslight, and abuse the jackass — but, I also took accountability quite seriously, so seriously that I even took accountability for the blameshifting crap he threw at me.

I would dare to bring up his decades of lies and cheating and BAM! — suddenly, I was defending myself from the “you’re too much of a goody too shoes, you are being unfair” routine.

My mind was in that blender for far too long. Happy happy happy to be away from the perpetual mindfuckery.

Hollywood Chump
Hollywood Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Sometimes with the added twist that I was “not mature enough” and “needed to evolve” so that I could understand the very enlightened and mature world of infidelity and gaslighting.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Jesssmom!

“…but, I also took accountability quite seriously, so seriously that I even took accountability for the blameshifting crap he threw at me.”

Yes!!

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I don’t take the perfection bait. It’s not about perfection . It’s about decency, integrity and honesty.

Struggling
Struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

“Well I guess you’re a better person than me”

Why yes, I am!

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Struggling

I got: You think you’re morally superior to me! Well- yes I am!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Struggling

“I apparently do not deserve you.”

In the past this flipped statement would have made me defend why that was not true and I would spend time building him up. Once I went gray rock for a few months and the fog started to lift, my response became “no, you don’t. You don’t deserve any of this (meaning the family or home, too)”

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

**“Well I guess you’re a better person than me”

Why yes, I am!**

Galdamn that is brilliant!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

*goody TWO shoes

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I always got the, “Oohhh, you’re just a SAINT, aren’t you!” in a sing-songy, snarky voice. So abusive. When abuse is pointed out, the response is more abuse. Fuckers.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

When abuse is pointed out, the response is more abuse.
BINGO, Full Card, Jackpot Winner!!!!
????????????????????????????????????????????

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I.C.
Sorry, I failed to put your right on phrase in quotes
” When abuse is pointed out, the response is more abuse.”
Worth repeating.
Right on!

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

KK smells like teen petulance.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

““We are just friends. I didn’t tell you I slept over at her house cause that would have made you mad.”

I had to laugh at this statement. It sounds like something an eleven year old might say to a friend about a sleepover.

When I confronted the Limited about the hotel receipt he said, “What if I was just too drunk to drive?” Um…dude you booked the hotel the day before.

Leah, you did good putting yourself and child first. And congratulations on your new baby!

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago

Raising my hand high Leah!! Pretty much verbatim on a lot of the word salad coming out of the mouths of your stbx and my x when I discovered his “dumbassery”. I can tell you a year out from now you will be raising your head high at how you have handled yourself, especially if you do not engage with the shite coming out of the wanker’s mouth. Keep on being MIGHTY!

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Me, too. My cheater STILL says “I know you think I’m evil, but I’m not.”
She’s half right.

theotherwhitemansburden
theotherwhitemansburden
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Yes. Exact same crap, almost verbatim, from my ex. Minus the private investigator stuff, that is — but I suspect that’s simply because I did not hire a private investigator. For all the specialness, they don’t have much in the way of original thoughts, do they?

Portia
Portia
6 years ago

Mine thought I had hired a PI too — because they couldn’t conceive that they were so stupid and inept that I could discover what I discovered, or that I was that good at being Chief Detective of the Marriage Police. After all — they are so brilliant!!! Just ask them!

Incidentally — I never said I did hire a PI, and I never said I didn’t. I figured if they had secrets I was entitled to a few myself. I really enjoyed the discomfort level they experienced. Poor Sad Sausages!

Goaheadandjump
Goaheadandjump
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Haha, I love that, maybe I’ll make it up that I hired a PI, just to fuck with them. I’ll tell him I wanted some nudie shots so I can check out her young tight 28 year old body!!!! That should ruffle a few feathers. Barf!

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia – one of my sweetest moments after the divorce was signed….I told him I knew where he was all the times he cheated. He sounded horrified and asked if I was working for NSA! I said….nope, it’s called ‘Find my iPad” and he borrowed mine. I could hear his forehead hitting the desk and now, he doesn’t know what I knew or didn’t know and I like it that way. He realized he didn’t get away with a damn thing and he thought he was SO clever! bwahah

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

SheChump – I am LUAGHING OUT LOUD! Hahahahaha

OutDamnedSpot
OutDamnedSpot
6 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Amazing how all chumps work for government agencies! I found out by a series of coincidences (there are only seven people in the world, it’s all done with mirrors) that the Village Idiot had married again overseas (legal in his country, but uncommon among his people & VERY bad form to do so without the first wife’s consent), without the little formality of getting divorced first or even asking my consent (fun fact: I’d have given it … long strange story, but not quite as bad as it sounds). Now I am rather sweary & can make sailors blush when really annoyed, but what I said at top volume to him & his brother was undoubtedly my finest rant, & included cursing in several languages, some of which they didn’t know. They denied it, of course (turned out they had just told everyone back there that I’d consented, & they were the only two people who knew I hadn’t even been asked — the person who let it slip thought I had agreed).

But as it happened, I had some entirely different kinds of contacts in his home country, & I made use of them. When I got confirmation, I asked him over to chat (I’d thrown him out to live with his brother, but they were still professing total innocence — “this other family wants us to look bad & tells stories”). I asked if he had anything to say. “I TOLD YOU! I DO NOT HAVE ANOTHER WIFE!” I then recited his second wife’s name, the date of that marriage, the name & date of birth of his first child, the name of his other father-in-law … & he caved. Only for a moment, though. Then it was all false outrage & fury: “What are you, CIA?”

By then I was laughing too hard to speak, but when I got my breath, I told him that I was, in fact, high up in the CIA.

He never was quite sure, & the divorce went very, very smoothly.

We are all secret agents (with superpowers)!

Finallyfree
Finallyfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Shechump

Way to go Shechump. That is incredibly mighty. Serves him right.

JC
JC
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Yep. Same shit, same story.

Not an original thought in their heads. Every cheater’s affair is different/batter than all the others.

They should all go piss up a rope.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

yep the explanation was basically how special their “friendship” was. He actually told me he wished everyday she wasn’t a woman so he didn’t have to keep his once in a lifetime special friend on the side. But they are also just friends and nothing special.

Finallyfree
Finallyfree
6 years ago

^^^^THIS! As of 5:45pm I am divorced! I survived. At the hearing my X said I had ruined his perfectly good friendship by outing him and his ho-worker “friend” for their inappropriate relationship. Thank you CL and CN! It’s OVER. Finally OVER.

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Finallyfree

FinallyFREE –
YES!!!!!
Congratulations. Oh, damn, we need a party to celebrate!
What a relief it must be. Thanks for sharing.

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
6 years ago
Reply to  Finallyfree

Congratulations! The boulder that was on your shoulders has been lifted!

NotThisGirl
NotThisGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Finallyfree

Yay!! Congrats, such a relief. Enjoy your new freedom!!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Finallyfree

YAY Congratulations on finalizing your divorce!!

flutterby
flutterby
6 years ago
Reply to  Finallyfree

Yay finally free!!!

Dee
Dee
6 years ago

I got the same thing from ex: “I can’t help it that my best friend is a woman! If Schmoopie were a man, we could still be best friends and you wouldn’t even care!” Ummm yeah…. Pretty sure I would still be upset because it would just mean that you are fucking another MAN behind my back!

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Hahahahahaha!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Strange, I’ve had a best friend for 40 years–I’ve never felt the urge to fuck her. They are massively confused if they can’t have friends without getting horizontal. It’s the same old smoke and mirrors: I call her a ‘friend’ over here and while you are looking at that, I am fucking her every Tuesday lunch hour. Wizard of Oz level misdirection. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

My closest adult friends have been men, flatmates from my late teens and twenties. Never fucked any of them, still friends, and that never threatened their wives because they never got that nasty gut feeling that something is off, because nothing IS off. But the friendships have evolved with all of us ageing: we all put our partners and spouses, then children first, without giving up or damaging the friendships.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Razor sharp this morning, Dee! Thanks for the laugh.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Ha! First good belly laugh of the day.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

“You should have the decency to tell me who your private investigator is” – is it bad that this genuinely scared me? Leah has hired a PI for her own protection and Cheat-head wants to know who it is? That smacks of….well, something violent.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

“We are JUST friends” makes my blood boil. I got pretty much the same list. In addition to “I’m wild. I walked up to the line a few times but I didn’t cross it.” I asked him to define wild. Apparently there’s is no definition of wild. He just kept repeating “wild”. Such an interesting word.

Twitching
Twitching
6 years ago

AP kept saying she was wild too. I think it means I do whatever I want with no regard for the consequences, and I don’t care who I hurt. I think the idea came from Pinterest. It’s very childish to have that mindset.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

I heard “free spirit,” like they were sitting in a field picking flowers and listening to sitar music and not screwing in $40 an hour hotels.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

OMG this made me laugh out loud with tears streaming down my face.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

Doughboy said “they had a special bond” so I refer to them as Doughboy and Bondo. Ha, what a joke! He also denied sleeping with her ” I’m not sleeping with “Bondo”and she’s not sleeping with me” ??? He actually sent this out to his bridge friends after I outed them in an email. I mean not that I’m condoning affairs of any kind, but if your hell bent on blowing up your entire life, for some sex fantasy, wouldn’t you think you might want to give it s go, first? What if it’s just horrible sex! These EA freaks don’t even know how to have an affair. not that I believe he wasn’t fucking her, but then again he is crazy! Glad to be out of that circus!

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I love the nicknames. Something about that shorthand just helps you cope with the ridiculousness.

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndyloo – I agree COMPLETELY. EA my ASS. Here’s your emotional divorce – suck on that, fuckwit.
My only response was,”I hope she was worth it.”
Worth tanking a 30 year marriage. Worth destroying trust. Worth losing your kids’ respect. Worth losing your “normal family guy” beard/mask. Worth child support, alimony and losing your home. If he didn’t tap that “everybody’s skank” ass, it was his own poor call. Back to Rosy Palm for all your fantasy needs, douchebag.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago

My ex actually came whining later, saying ‘none of this was worth it, I wish I could go back and change what I did’ (note the STILL not owning or stating ‘what he did’).

Funny, I knew it wasn’t worth it, as first affair was beginning (I actually thought he realized that, while reconciling, chumpy me!) as well as second. Why did it take him so long to figure out?

I finally realized that it didn’t matter whether he was evil or just stupid. Not good enough for me, either way.

NotToday
NotToday
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

“I finally realized that it didn’t matter whether he was evil or just stupid. Not good enough for me, either way.”

Yes! I don’t always recognize my STBX in the rhetoric on here about narcs and cluster B’s, but I’ve realized it doesn’t matter. The main thing I’ve realized is that his arc always leans against me, that he will always tend toward treating me as poorly as I allow him to, even if there are moments when he treats me very well. And it doesn’t matter if it’s deliberate, carefully calculated manipulation or him just being emotionally stunted. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life pushing back against him.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Karen,
Interesting your X didn’t figure that out the first time but had to give it another try? Same with Doughboy, after first so called EA,he admitted to me that he couldn’t believe how stupid he was, thinking he was in love with OW#1. Of course I spackled and went on with the charade for 20 more years.
It’s just a matter of time before Bondo tires of him and when the money’s gone she’ll kick his ass out. It’s not rocket science he’s 68 years old, wants to be 40 again, she’s a Drama Queen with huge family issues and no money! Sounds like a great start to a relationship, right? These guys just don’t get it they are obtuse!
Having said all this, I really don’t give a rat’s ass about him, having a good time with my new life!

Ever_the_Empath
Ever_the_Empath
6 years ago

i know that one…my ex didn’t use it but I know he saw himself that way, as a wild bada$$ harley riding rebel. I believe “I’m wild” translates to, “I’m above the rules, rules are for boring pions like you, not glorious free spirits like me”

Jj
Jj
6 years ago

Aha ha ha my ex used to say he was different to most people likening himself to a lone wolf that didn’t travel in packs. ????

NoMoreShitSandwiches
NoMoreShitSandwiches
6 years ago
Reply to  Jj

Hahaha! They are such pathetic twats! ???? No darling, not a lone wolf, just a dirty dawg.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago

Hahahaha! Yes, so true. I got, “I am passionate!” as well when I first met X…turns out passionate, like “wild” is just a cover word for I am prone to rage when I don’t get my way because I am so wild (otherwise known as “above any rules meant for all you lesser people”.)
I am so happy that I am starting to find the humor (albeit bitter humor) in their ridiculousness.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Nejla ☝️all of this. agree passionate/wild same thing. sorry you had a freak too. “You light my fire… i play with fire… lots of fire! We are now finding the pathetic humor in it because it’s so f’ed up and we finally have the decoder ring!

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago

I think these guys are confusing “passionate” with “fucking idiot”

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

CanadianDad – I like your translation! Fucking idiots, indeed.
To misquote The Beatles:
All the f’d up cheates/
Where DO they all come from?/
All the f’d up people/
Where do they all belong?
(W each other, please!)

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

I think you’re correct Ever_the_empath. He thinks he’s above the law and gets aroused when he gets away with crimes. Extra bonus when his followers don’t expose him… especially me. Weak people follow the rules. He “plays with fire” and he can’t sit still. He’s so badass that he cheats on his wife and calls it ‘wild’. So provocative! The thrill he gets by “his word against mine” in a position of authority is disgusting.

Winddrinker
Winddrinker
6 years ago

My favorite line after the “she’s my best friend”, was “You can’t put my dick in your purse”
Turns out I’m not the boss of him.
Turns out I don’t want to be.

ChumpinAintEasy
ChumpinAintEasy
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

holy fucking hell… if my STBX said that to me I would be on deathrow by now.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

Sometimes I feel like the STBX’s behavior is one long drawn out temper tantrum. You are not the boss of me. You can’t tell me what to do.

LookingForPeace
LookingForPeace
6 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Has it lasted a full year? My stbx is acting like a 3 yr old potty mouth holding on to a blanket screaming- you didn’t believe my lies-you must be crazy! While blaming me for everything- while running around with AP. Then posting all the crazy makin all over facebook and sending it to me in messages. His behavior has been so absured, I haven’t found a sane person anywhere that wants near him. Still looking for the peace.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago

Bad news – I believed my x was having a mid life crisis. Lasted for 10 years.

He came out the other side, but not as somebody I ever knew.

The point is – there is no sight in end. RUN

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

Hmm. I don’t think your cheater knows about Lorena Bobbit, who demonstrated that she could, in fact, but a dick in her purse. I’m not advocating for her approach, but perhaps, given her example, he should rethink his choice of phrases.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Hahaha! Last thing I recall hearing about the sorry Mr. Bobbitt, he was working in a whorehouse about 40 miles south of here. What he did there is anyone’s guess.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

Getting his mutilated knob shined for free from the hookers !

Sunny
Sunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

While you’re thinking about Lorena Bobbitt, you can go to YouTube and look up King Missile’s Immortal hit, “Detachable Penis”. It was one of X#1’s favourite songs, ironically enough.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

That is funny!!!!

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy – I lost my breath laughing at THIS – HA! Lorena Bobbit!! HAHAHAHA!
Who wants their sorry packages, disease-ridden as they might be.

TorontoChump
TorontoChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

First belly laugh of the day. Thank you.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

I got the best friend line as well. He even introduced her to our 3 year old as that. It turns out that this friendship was not so strong after all. DS came home one day and said ex and OW had a fight and they are not best friends anymore.

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

They are SO pathetically identical. Yeah – she was a friend… I was his best friend. I told him he wasn’t MINE, because even a shitty friend wouldn’t do what he had done. PregnantChump – of COURSE it wasn’t that strong. No fun without the triangle. Kibbles become boring old meals then.
Mine not only introduced his to our kids – skanky MOW came on to our teenage son. And fuckwit was trying to arrange for our DD15 to WORK WITH skank for the summer just days before DDay. Feathering that nest? They have unmitigated gall and epic stupidity – what a charming combo!
It IS good to find the humor in the horrors. But they are still marital crimes, a horror show, the ultimate nightmare. We are SO MIGHTY my chump friends. Thanks CL1 And I love you ALL, CN!

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago

What is the deal with them saying they you are their best friend???? It is so creepy!!! And also saying they are adults. Who goes around talking about how adult they are??? I wonder if they were always this creepy and i just missed it. How could i have missed it????

FeelingDuped
FeelingDuped
6 years ago

I know this as well!! I asked myself this 1000x the week that he was moving out. How did I not see this! How did I live with someone for 5 years and not realize they are like a child who needs to be told on how to live life with integrity. What was creepy and finally ended all emotions was when I caught him in one more lie. He didn’t even flinch.

brit
brit
6 years ago

Same, said those same things often too. I always thought it was weird then thought maybe it was just me thinking it was weird that X would feel he had to say, you’re my best friend, I’m an adult, and a man of integrity.. which makes me burst out laughing today. Integrity and X are at two ends of the spectrum.

Whatringhellisthis, you’re right, it’s like a child telling you, “I’m a big kid now.”

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

seriously! what is this shit? constantly told me I’m a child and an immature non-wife. whats a non-wife? Constantly told me he’s an adult grown ass man.
Like a toddler saying – I’m not a baby I’m a big boy.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

and yes exactly! we wanted a partner. not a naughty teenager. I’m not his mommy. please accept my resignation lol.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago

Naughty teenager about sums it up. I feel like he’s playing out his keeping secrets from Mummy about wagging school and drinking issues with me. Mummies so mean and expects things from me, stamp feet! Fucking over these idiots.

JC
JC
6 years ago

Exactly. My XW said, “Looks like you just want me to have NO male friends.”

I was still chump enough then to be distracted be this. I tried to have a calm conversation with her about how she CAN have male friends; that I just have the right to meet them and get to know them, as her husband.

And from her side, problem solved!! My curiousity and prying were squelched for another couple of weeks…even if she never intended for me to meet her OM.

It’s all the same playbook on their part: distract, delay, denounce.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

They are so messed up. I never tried to control who my STBXW was friends with. She works in a male dominated field. The point wasn’t that she couldn’t have male friends, the point was that the AP wasn’t a friend. He wanted more, she wanted more and that is what it became. The point is that she broke trust with me and her kids. I have female friends and I didn’t cross boundaries.

ASSHATS!!!

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

This.

I worked around a lot of men. I’ve never thought about cheating. Back when I was dating CheaterX, a neighbor was interested in me. CheaterX lived in another state. The neighbor asked if we had an exclusive relationship. I said yes and the neighbor never raised the issue again.

We still had the occasional beer together, though.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

I got – you’ll never put my balls in your purse like my p@ssy friends. You thought you could slow me down but you never will! I’m too much for you.
**vomit**

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago

Geeez Chumps, you answered a question that’s been bugging me.
So THAT is what that extra compartment is for in my new purse, for dicks and balls.
Hard day today and you made me smile!
Thank you!!
Rock on CN.
You are Mighty!

jumper
jumper
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Peacekeeper, I am sorry you had a hard day. Let me give you a (((hug))). You are always such a positive, supportive voice on CN. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  jumper

jumper,
You are so kind,
your hug really worked,
Thank you and I send hugs right back to you.
Xxxxxx
peacekeeper

brit
brit
6 years ago

Natalie, I heard similar comments from X, “you’re not going to make me jump through hoops,” which in translation means, you’re not going to tell me what to do.
That was his response to my questions or asking him to do something insignificant such as take out the trash.

X would make fun of husbands who would do what their wives asked. If someone mentioned their wedding anniversary or they were getting married X would ridicule the couple and marriage. X would say turned him against marriage, that if we were to ever get divorced he would stay single and never marry. Knowing what I know now, I believe that was said to divert any suspicions I might have and to give me a false sense of security. A safety net for X.

Being married to me must not have been so bad as he is remarried.
I hope he finds his new marriage to be his worst nightmare.

brit
brit
6 years ago
Reply to  brit

I turned him against marriage~I forgot the “I”

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago

Then wife said: “you don’t own my vagina.” Yeah, well I thought the terms of our marriage could be likened to a long-term lease at least – or some such. Bitch.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Wow!! Never in my life would I say that to my husband!

To have and to hold til death do us part… just not my vag… that’s for everyone.

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago

“you’ll never put my balls in your purse like my p@ssy friends. You thought you could slow me down but you never will! I’m too much for you.”

WOW!! He said this to his own wife? What a truly reprehensible human being!!

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

he’s a disgusting creature. it’s all in his head. he’s so hyper focused on control that he tells me not to control him when I’m not. this is his answer to me when he would disrespect me. immediately just you can’t control me.

WisedUp
WisedUp
6 years ago

My ex had a disgusting vulgar vocabulary with me too after D-day. He was enraged at being exposed. I’d been a submissive, stepford wife up until then and when I stood up for myself he was VILE to me. After he blamed his fucking OW on HER, I simply said, “so what? did she hold a gun to your head?” and he screamed at the top of his lungs: “No, it was like that! it’s not like she wagged her pussy in my face and stuck her big tits in my face!” (she is flatchested, I discovered later). But in his emails I later found he spoke to OW in junior high level sweet talk, “you are a warm and wonderful woman. Thank you for letting me into your world.” But in reality he is a vile, pig.

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago

I must have married his twin sister.

Winddrinker
Winddrinker
6 years ago

Why in the living hell do they get married? They could live a single player life which would create less drama.
Love the head in the blender, it’s me for one year after.

kb
kb
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

Part of the allure of the affair is the drama that it creates. If you’re single, you can sleep with any other single person but the relationship is about only the two of you. The affair allows you to triangulate, to bond with your AP over the need to deceive; it allows you to create narratives of Forbidden Love, etc.

Blargh!

Certainly that was what happened in my case. CheaterX and Schmoopie’s relationship quickly went downhill once I was out of the picture.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Winddrinker

I wonder the same thing. Satan needs gold medals for everything and I think the dry spells between whores when you’re single is really scary lol. He also thinks he will never lose. When I escaped he threatened to kill me if I didn’t just walk with nothing. He also wanted my income. He also wants to be saved and thinks ‘perfect women’ are the answer to his empty black pit… there is no perfect woman so inevitably I fell from grace. As all women will for the rest of his life. In summary He’s dumb.

Kelli
Kelli
6 years ago

I love the “It’s not an affair; it’s a support group for two.” We are really exclusive. Like those secret dance clubs that you need a decorative key to get past the bouncers. And our hugs are really…vigorous.

LongingforMeh-ca
LongingforMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Kelli

BEST laugh of the morning – and I’ve been watching Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee, so the competition was stiff! LAUGHED OUT LOUD!
The whole “emotional affair” smokescreen was Boss Hogg’s top 10 hit. “She’s like a sister to me.” You know, a sister for whom I buy thongs and she sends me selfies of them. A sister I bought a jackrabbit vibrator for (special Christmas present – nothing says “happy birthday, Jesus” like a high-priced sex toy). Sisterly love. Mmmmm. Makes me feel all warm & fuzzy.
They have NO originality.
Clearly I chose wrong. Glad for a chance for a do-over. Fuckwit-free!
You all are hilarious! Thank you for the laughs – much needed!

Kelli
Kelli
6 years ago

And don’t get me started on our anonymity rule…

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago

Jesus loves me this I know/Married Man Orgasms for this Ho/Tell Little Ones Dad Will Be Late/Thongs for Me/For You just Hate/

Yes Cheater Loves Me
Yes Cheater Loves Me
Yes Cheater Loves Me
A Bunny Dildo Told Me So…

Imbroken2
Imbroken2
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Omg….I think I peed myself… Best laugh in forever

Sunny
Sunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

You owe me a new keyboard 🙂

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago

I remember from another great support sight somebody saying ” if their lips are moving – they are lying “.

It is amazing that their brains seem to disconnect reality from their perceived reality.

I stomp on kittens, but I gave $20 to the Salvation Army kettle at Christmas = I am a swell guy.

Love your cartoon Tracy !!!

Rebecca
Rebecca
6 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

I LOVE this cartoon!!

It is perfect to share with one of my adult children who, on the rare occasions he sees his father, gets confused by statements such as “you don’t know the whole story”. Yeah, I’d like to know that whole story too ????…

You managed to draw into a cartoon the true definition of mind-fuckery, gaslighting, lying, manipulation and everything else that can come out of a cheater’s mouth.

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

“you don’t know the whole story” = loyal spouse is so mean / sexless / controlling / insert excuse here that I *had* to cheat. Just a little something to keep ME going as I martyr myself to this horrid marriage and these terrible demanding kids. See, I am the REAL victim. I’m sacrificing for the greater good of the family. Really, I am the HERO in this story. I’m putting EVERYBODY ELSE’S happiness over mine.

Khris
Khris
6 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca, my ex keeps saying the same thing to the kids. “you don’t know the whole story”, but when they ask what is the story, she says “that’s not something I am going to tell you”.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

Mine tells everyone that “there are two sides to every story” including his kids (by text). He has not sat down with kids in over 2 years to ever tell them his story. It is just a way to create the impression that he had a reason to cheat.

That’s okay…I tell the basic facts of what he did without any details and that’s plenty. There is no other side of the story to justify treating your wife and kids that way. And anyone who wants to give him the benefit of the doubt or overlook it is not someone I want in my life anyway.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

My future life. I’m preparing- especially since I have a daughter. Cheater wife does NOT want her to know what she did.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

Oh, yes. The “there are two sides to every story” BS. HE got to sad sausage his tale of what a frigid bitch I was to God only knows how many people, but he wants to control whatever I have to say to anybody. Because, you know, it will completely contradict his “frigid bitch” narrative. He told people I never tried to lose the weight I gained when pregnant, while I have photographic evidence which proves him absolutely wrong. We had sex 2-3 times per week, which is pretty darned good for people in their 50s.
HIS side of the story is that he made a decision to cheat, pure and simple.

feelingit
feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

The “there are two sides to every story” BS. and We had sex 2-3 times per week, which is pretty darned good for people in their 50s.
HIS side of the story is that he made a decision to cheat, pure and simple.

My cheater fuckwit to a tee.

I have a new theory, his attachment to his iPad altered his fragile brain.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

Kris, they say these thing like “you don’t know the whole story” and they can’t reply when asked what the story is, because they don’t know. They just do this shit without any thought to why. Shortly after I kicked Doughboy out I asked him to explain what happened that he could walk away after 40 good years, without so much as a look back? He started to reply ( I could see his email) something about looking at his own mortality and that was it. Never finished the sentence after several days he deleted it. Then he sent some tripe about “your mother and I had no common ground” to adult kids. Wished them well and told them to take care of me. They were horrified and have disowned him. No mention of any reason for the affair, no apology, nothing just me me me. So this is just like CL says you can’t figure out their skein of fuckupedness. They don’t know why they destroy their lives and they don’t give a damn about the collateral damage to kids, grandkids, friends, extended family. It’s just about them and it always will be!

Susannah
Susannah
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

That mortality line reminds me of when my Dad told me not to call him anymore, because he was “too busy growing old in America.” He didn’t even tell me this over the phone, this was in an *email.* At the time, I was a single mom with three small kids, working full time and going to school full time. The loss of my Dad (we never spoke on the phone again, it’s been seven years and my number is the same) was devastating.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

The “you don’t know the whole story”and the blaming us for the “things” we did without specific, real crimes identified are simply ways to keep the goalposts on wheels. If we figured out anything or had specifics to work with then it might actually require that they address the true problems and not have a way to flee the jail cells they claim their marriages have become. Leaving big mysterious chunks omitted and ambiguous always allows them to act like their burden is so, so great. They have suffered for soooo long and deserve happiness. Because reasons.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago
Reply to  Khris

By saying crap like that they are trying to introduce a bit of doubt about the situation. They, of course, don’t really want to explain, because of course it would just expose that they really are shitty. By throwing it out there though, they want to suggest that there really was an excellent reason to fuck up the family that was created over decades.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

Exactly! Our four teenagers are so very frustrated with SirLiesALot’s constant stonewalling them. We are three YEARS out, and he just expects them to be so happy for him that he is “happy and thriving.” He so does not get that, if he can be happy and thrive without seeing his kids that he “loves so much,” what are they supposed to think about that?! And with regard to not being willing to discuss with them how and why he blew up the family, well duh, he apparently discussed it with everybody else when he was slandering me to friends, family and the Mate-Poacher, who pretended to be my friend. How is it okay to discuss it with everyone BUT the five people it would impact the most?! Cheater just doesn’t get why the kids won’t just accept everything and respect him and treat him as the “same great dad” he’s always been to them…except for all the lying and deception with other women over the course of half their lives. Dick!

NoMoreShitSandwiches
NoMoreShitSandwiches
6 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Sir LiesALot, OMG, that made me laugh so hard! ????

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago

I can’t take credit for that one, NoMore, saw someone use it when I first found CL last year and co-opted it cuz it fit so well 😉

And thanks, FindingBliss. There was no reply button directly under your comment so I will say here that I so appreciate your encouraging words…really needed them today. I am a long way from finding my mighty, but you all inspire me so to keep looking!

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

Oh, and Fuckwit keeps telling our kids that he won’t discuss it because he’s “taken responsibility” for his affairs. When they ask him HOW he’s taken responsibility…crickets. He has not seen any of our kids and three years, made no efforts to visit them (800 mile trip), and just does the occasional, superficial “hi” and “I love you,” and “I’m your biggest fan!” texts that drive them all crazy. When his affairs were discovered, he abandoned his faithful wife, blamed all his affairs on me, filed for divorce, made sure the rest of the family shunned our kids for not accepting his affair partner, and left me with all of our joint debt, forced a sale of our kids’ home that they were devastated to lose, and intentionally blocked me for a full year when I tried to get an enforceable child support order. He’s taken responsibility, my ass!

I feel so stuck in a negative thought loop that is just crushing me today, sorry for the rant, CN. :/

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

He’s disgusting! Uggggh!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Owlbaby

I can’t tell you how sorry I am that you were married to this POS. Thank God you’re free of him.

Hugs.

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

Mine had reasons he couldn’t tell me about because it would hurt my feelings. WTF? DDays and abandonment was easier on my feelings? He also loves to be very cryptic. He would say “you know what you did.” No not so much. He’s a big ridiculous bald baby man.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Oh yes, I got told I needed to see my part in it. Like what? No real answers and of course my asking for reasons just means I am Controlling and Judgmental. Examples pleaded for (because Chumpy me can FIX IT while I dance the pick-me two step) but examples provided were so stoopid and unreal that they were clearly just lies. It is so important for him to insist that this is all my fault but the reasons provided don’t compute. And in the end it was all just so he could escape to his Schmoopie who is our daughter’s age. He would say anything while the divining rod that his dick had become pointed relentlessly outside the marriage, to someone else, anyone else, away from being 50 years old and away from his boring life.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago

Site – duh – need more coffee

Prison Chump
Prison Chump
6 years ago

My favorite was….”I swear I did not stick my dick in her.” Really what did you stick in her?

Chumpachump
Chumpachump
6 years ago
Reply to  Prison Chump

Oh, I got this beauty too. Quickly followed by ‘I didn’t stick my dick in any of them’. WTF?!

Gorillapoop
Gorillapoop
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpachump

I got, “it was not cheating. It was anal and genital stimulation.” Sheesh! TMI!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Prison Chump

Prison chump, this is too funny! It’s reminds me of another cheater ‘ I did not have sexy ith that women’ Ha!

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago

Twatty VanDick actually like to say, “Right, I’m a terrible person.” I used to tell her she wasn’t. Now I just say, “if you say so, who am I to diaagree?”

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Oh, I’ve heard this before. After I got to Not Giving a Fuck anymore, I’d just give him the look, the one with the raised eyebrow. The one that has kids squirming because they know Mom isn’t falling for the BS. Then he’d get pissed and say, “I don’t need you to ……” fill in the blank – nag, bitch at him, control him, tell him what to do, etc. And then storm out.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

I never got the “I’m not a terrible person” probably because I was so f@&k*ng nice, I didn’t tell him that he was but I did tell him you are not the person I know. His response was I am still the same person more than you know- I guffawed that at the time, now I see it was way more telling than I ever imagined.

The other quandary I found myself in was defending myself. When I received his hate journal in which he referred to me as an evil bitch several times, I confronted him and tried to get him to retract these statements and acknowledge that was not the case. I got a blank stare in return. He is a monster.

Leah, he is a terrible person. Don’t let him fool you again.

ChumpedupChik
ChumpedupChik
6 years ago

Hand up with a slight change in semantics “I am NOT a monster!”???? And similarly, “I might’ve crossed a few lines, but not THAT one!” His huffy snort following each declaration of idiocy. The unbelievable mindfuckery. It makes me mad all over again???? Another one I got, “I didn’t really DO anything.” WtfH? So I guess he’s just gaslighting the fuck out of me to cover up for all the things he didn’t really DO? Wtf ? I think I could muster no words in response as it was beyond my grasp at that time. My anger didn’t take hold soon enough, so you’re way mighty Leah! Hang onto that anger and don’t let him suck you back in with that blathering nonsense.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpedupChik

Sneaking around behind your back is doing something.

Telling lies is doing something.

Deliberately refusing to either attempt to communicate with your partner or accept that you don’t feel committed anymore and act to leave the relationship is doing something.

Even if the rest of that BS is true, it seems like that person did quite a lot, actually.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

^^YES to this

Patman
Patman
6 years ago

Thank you for this site.

Yes, I’ve heard this one used as an attack…”but you’re trying to make me out to be a terrible person. I’m not a terrible person”…

It was my problem.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Patman

Oh, this. The problem isn’t his behavior, it is MY reaction to it. He has actually said this.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Patman

It’s a false equivalency. If they twist what you say into something judge, then they can deem you judgmental and make you the problem.

I told my ex “it’s not for me to decide what kind of person you are in general. It is for me to decide what kind of partner you are to me. The way you have treated me is terrible, so you are a terrible partner to me.” He was fairly easy to shut down, so this sort of thing worked well to back him off some dramatic rant.

TwinsDad
TwinsDad
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

That’s a good one Amiisfree. Wish I’d thought of it back when.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Patman

It’s unbelievable how cheaters think their good people.
They are evil, selfish creatures who think nothing of destroying us & our family just for “feelings” for a whore.

(CL.. no offense but when you use the term “ drowning kittens” it upsets some of us.)

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Dancing Dick ran and hid in the church after I booted him. A man who did the most insidious things possible including sending my neighbor unwanted lewd texts (Anthony Wiener style)- is now a “good person.”

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Blah ha ha ha that’s awesome

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago

Mine was completely mentally deranged. Hiding his OW while laundry listing all my faults, up to can including abuse of him. (really?) As he was insisting that I sign over the house, because he could afford it, for free plus other montsering tactics, he would put his hand on his chest and say. “Because I’m just a nice guy!”
I actually think he really believes it.

Never mind abandoning those pesky children and stealing and stuff. We all should be doormats because he deserves to behave as he sees fit.

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

* up to and including

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Remembered another. After 30 years of me working full time, providing all medical, dental, food, clothing, house wares and child rearing/daycare costs for the entire family, XH had the audacity to write in his divorce deposition that I had NOT contributed “to the family” for 30 years.

This from a man who never even drove himself to his kids sporting event. Never paid a babysitter, ever.

The audacity. I actually think the putz believes it.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

I gave up a good deal of pay to move across country so that X could have a better job. I then took care of 90%+ of the parenting, plus 70% of all household chores so that X could become more successful in his field.

But when he had to acquiesce to our state’s community property laws at divorce, he said to my DD1, “Your mother took half MY money.” At first I was angry that was how he characterized the settlement, but then I got happy–if he thinks he gave up HIS money, it must have hurt more ; ).

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My STBXW made more money during our marriage than I did. She has a very good paying career, and I always supported her in this. I was fully employed for all of our marriage, and contributed with a more than average wage. I happily took a year off of work to stay at home with our youngest child as well. The separation of assets was very difficult for her. I think it was very hard for her to have to give up any of “her money”. She would make comments about how she might have to go live in a box. I suppose that was supposed to make me feel bad, but the argument just didn’t stand up to any real examination. It’s sad though that after all the years, the money seemed more important than the loss of a partner and family.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

I was just commenting the other day that as soon as I filed for divorce from cheater wife she went from begging me not to divorce her to caring only about the money. It was like a mask had come off.

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  Zell

Yes, the mask falls off uber-fast when they realize you see right through them, and it is SO not pretty then.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

Yup,things are more important to narcs than relationships. Things like money,stamp collections, paintings, jewelry…Going through the joint possessions with a fine toothed comb to compile a multi page list of “what I deserve in the settlement” for the attorneys takes precedence. Funny how he never took any of the photos of the kids growing up and didn’t ask to make copies for himself but wanted the engagement diamond back. Imagine that !

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago

Material things, shinny objects, possessions are more important to cheater types than the real diamonds, the real jewels, the precious Children.
I got me those, my two gems of a daughter, even though cheater stayed, he was never there for them. They don’t know of his affair, but they know, they have lived with, his character traits. They love him because he is their Dad, but that loving, trusting, bonding thing, that is what they share with me, their Mother, the present, sane, loving parent!
Sucker Punched By a Saffa, you got the real diamonds, the genuine treasures, your Children!
I have read your posts!
YOU are Mighty!

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

This, Canadian Dad! Spot on! My Fuckwit is so very upset because, now that we are three years out from him abandoning me, and the divorce settlement decision is looming, he is realizing that he actually owes me a LOT, since he refused to pay on any marital debt, the house stuff, etc. He is absolutely livid over this perceived injustice, and just keeps saying, “I’m not a wealthy man…, blah blah blah.” The finances are definitely what they care about most. Cheaters are definitely self-deludingly talented!

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

It always comes back to the money! That’s why you have to lawyer up ASAP and get what’s rightfully yours before the guilt wears off. That is, if they have any guilt. I always made more money than Doughboy mainly because he had no ambition. He had a university degree but never put it to good use. He was too busy fucking around at work in a cushy job and when he wasn’ at work he was playing with his hobbies and chatting up all the ladies! God I was blind. Fortunately, I did well with my high school education and became an AGM for one of Canada’s largest bank, who now provide me with a decent pension that enables me to live a comfortable life! Yahoo!

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

I got that I worked ‘sporadically’ umm yeah pretty much worked from when my first child was 9 months old and worked full time despite my eldest having chronic and I mean chronic exzcema, he was in child care. What was I thinking while he puffed around in his barely full time low paid job! I was a fucking zombie but wanted something more than extreme poverty for my kids. Fucker what am I supposed to drop a baby and work oh and forget those pesky school holidays just lock them kids in the cupboard and go to work, we had no family support either as we lived interstate. I was fucking mighty then and am finding it again now. Fuck him .

Rebecca the second
Rebecca the second
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Good that everything you’re speaking of comes with receipts ;). Well except the other many loving chores of cooking, laundry, home repair, giving daily voice lessons to a VERY special pet, a side-job as PI, landscapingvwith a lavender garden.
I don’t know what I like better about your story which really should be told at Moth like UXWorld said)… is it best that that you were such a successful detective as you found the cheater, OW and Tango? Or is it even better that you had so much chutzpah so fast?
I love your story today too…you’d think one would notice that every freaking thing in his life just appears to be magically financed and maintained. You rock oh mighty one!

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago

Mine tells me that I always have “held grudges” as if blowing up our family and leaving me and our son for a married whore is just some minor indiscretion, like he dinged my car with his shopping cart and I just won’t get over it! It was windy! The ground was angled and it just rolled away from him! He had to let go, there was a poisonous spider on the handle! Anyway it’s just a ding, get over it! Never mind what he actually did was take me for a ride in the car, open the door, put it in neutral and pushed it down a cliff with me inside. Yeah, I hold grudges. Asshole.

Sweetsunny
Sweetsunny
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

I’ve been told I “burn bridges”, “too prideful” and “too full of drama”. I’m glad I burnt those bridges, no regrets because it was a matter of pride to not be part of the cheater pants triangle. ????

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

I was called “unforgiving,” and thus inferior to Hannibal Lecher who “could forgive anything in people he loves.” [scratches head] And yet, my perceived deficiencies (which he could not forgive at the time) were supposedly what drove him into the crotch of gradwhore repeatedly.

Hannibal also had a literary bent, and encouraged me to forgive his infidelity by just ‘deciding’ to do so, the way that Dolly does in Anna Karenina. smh

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Anna karenina! That is quite the literary cheatin’ heart reference!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Oh the good ol’ unforgiving line…

“I’d rather be remembered as unforgiving than unfaithful.” That shut my X down real quick…

The whole thread on that “I’d rather be” best comebacks is one of my all time CN favorite – https://www.chumplady.com/2016/08/snappy-id-rather-cheater-comebacks/

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Such shit! Were supposed to forgive multiple infidelities without a moment’s hesitation, but they cannot seem to get over us not rotating the clean socks in their drawer or purchasing the wrong brand of sour cream.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

All the same these cheater. I hold grudges and when he doesn’t like my critec of him I’m ‘just like my dad’ who he hates, yeah whatever, hang up

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

Yup, “holding grudges” here too . . . coupled with proclamations of her “I get over things quickly and move on!” superpower. (I call it the ‘Rage/Lovebombing Cycle of Mindfuck,” but whatever.)

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Divorce counseling – first session:

Shrink to me: “Why are you here?”
Me: “I just found out my husband has been having an affair with a gradwhore behind my back for over a year. We share a kiddo, I’m here to find a way to make custody work for the next decade.”

Shrink to then-husband: Why are you here?”
X: “I’m here to help chumptitude get over her trust issues.”

I HEART custody software.

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yes, exactly! He said I need to “let shit go!” Oh Lawd, please.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

12 years.
You did let Shit Go! And doesn’t it feel good without him! Ha!

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Haha, dropped 180 lbs in one day! New diet trend for sure!

Owlbaby
Owlbaby
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

HaHa, lyndaloo! So true!

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

The funny thing about this is that when I was trying to figure out what was going on with our marriage, and was upset about her behaviour, I was “bullying her” about what she called a glitch in her otherwise excellent record as a wife. The thing is, she could not let things go. She would throw things that happened more than twenty years ago in my face.

Also, I’m not sure, but I tend of a glitch being a small problem. I suppose a cheater might want to call their affair a glitch if they wanted their spouse to pretend it didn’t happen, but would you call it a glitch if you are now deciding that a thirty-year relationship now has to end?

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

They “get over things quickly and move on” because all of their feelings are extremely shallow. The can go off to the next thing quickly without batting an eye because they were never heavily infested in us in the first place.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Yes. My STBX’s feelings are only on the surface. He reacts to things in the moment and counts those as his feelings. Doesn’t go any deeper than that. Normal human beings form attachments. They would not want to move with OW into the home he shared with his wife and kids for 20 years after we move out. He wouldn’t start the exact same traditions with OW that he had with us. He wouldn’t leave behind all 3 of the pets and then go out and immediately buy a new dog. He would want to take at least one of the with him when he left. Etc…..

Those things would remind a normal feeling human being of what they lost and it would hurt. Not them. Anyone and everything is simply replaceable.

Left In Vegas
Left In Vegas
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Heavily INFESTED in us! I love this Freudian slip so much !

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Left In Vegas

Oops! It does work either way. Cheaters are like head lice you can’t get rid of!

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago
Reply to  Left In Vegas

It certainly feels like they’re an infestation 😛

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

12YearsWasted, you rock!!! Love your comparison!!

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Yes, that’s exactly how it felt 12 years.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

This analogy is perfection.

12YearsWasted
12YearsWasted
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

Coming from the queen of metaphors and eloquent imagery, this is quite the compliment 😀

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

“Holding grudges”=holding him accountable.

CanadianDad
CanadianDad
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

NOT holding Grudgy and Judgy

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  CanadianDad

Lol!! Better than pudgy I guess.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  12YearsWasted

I’ve been accused of the same. Grudgy and judgy. Maybe that’s what I should name my boobs.

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

A night on the town with grudgy and judgy sounds like my kind of party!

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

@hollowbunny: Laughed so hard I scared the dogs! Thank you for the laugh in what has been a really shitty week.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Crushing on @hollowbunny. Smiling for the rest of the day on this one.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Holy Moly–I’ve heard of sinister stories on this site, but that one ranks right up there with Tess’s sadness. Would you mind expanding on your tale, if it’s not too hard for you?

We all need to remember that sometimes the laughable crap they feed us is bordered by the criminal.

If not, I fully understand.

Thanks,

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

“I’m a Nice Guy!!”, as told to a 3rd party after stating his entitlement to having ‘caveats’ in a marriage.

This was the lead up to the long and short list of how I failed to meet his ‘NEEDS!!!!!’.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago

I am a good person. We are good people. What we are doing doesn’t make us bad people. We help people every day in our field and improve lives so we are good people. We help people more than most. This is what I read in the awesome correspondence I found, from her, to her etc. They were definitely in agreement about their own awesomeness. Funny, when I was in the court8ng stage of any relationship I don’t remember those words ever being said. Or thought. Or pertinent. We never discussed it in so many years of marriage either. When I’m love I tell my partner why I love him, not why he should love me.

Oddly, when he was confessing and didn’t know what I had read, he told me that she talked a lot (that’s a relative term because his dick was usually in her mouth) about what a good person she was. In these hotel rooms away from spouses and children. He thought that was weird, which makes sense since the topic at hand/mouth should have only been him and his awesomeness or shut it already or use the mouth only for blow jobs. All her talk about her goodness ended up being a turnoff and her self serving selfishness selfie self self was why he ultimately ended it. Which was, he said, proof that he was good!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Gawd, what a narcissist!!
Stop talking about what a good woman you are, and blow me. A poster child for USER

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Yeah it was mutual using. She thought his penis was attached to an atm. Total soulmates. Spoiler alert: it lasted 6 months.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Shallow souls don’t need much, apparently.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Good at being a self serving douchebag, yes. He’s clearly quite skilled at that.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Good people never go around proclaiming their own goodness. They don’t have to. Other people recognize and acknowledge it.

hollowbunny
hollowbunny
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

If you have to say you is, you ain’t.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  hollowbunny

Like that scene in Game of Thrones where Tywin Lannister tells Joffrey that if you’re a real king you don’t have to remind everyone. They work hard to try to justify bad behavior. Nope. Bad behavior? Bad people. Poor character reveals itself like that.

Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
Chumpy Chumpy Chump Chump (uk edition)
6 years ago

After DD#1 – You’re not such a good wife you know… why?…. because you buy mature cheddar and I like mild cheddar, you don’t care what I like (so I’m justified in having an affair). So spackle spackle I start buy mature AND mild cheddar…. he eats all the mature cheddar first.

You don’t care what I think… why? Because all our furniture is antique pine and I don’t like pine. But you help me pick it all up for years, in fact you chose that big dresser in the kitchen…. yes I know but I only did that because I thought you would like it (btw – it’s OK but not a must have item). What style of wood would you like then… dunno!!

It’s all bollox that they spew – just trust that! They will justify an affair with a load of made-up nonsense they thought of at that time. It means nothing.

After DD#2
Bye… once financial separation agreed and signed in front of lawyer strict NC.

NotMehYet2
NotMehYet2
6 years ago

Apparently the way I cleaned the stair case banister wasn’t correct. Didn’t matter about the results, ‘her’ way was correct.

A banister. On a staircase {shakes head at the absurdity}.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

chump chump etc.

One thing I have noticed is when I go the fridge for some cheese there, is some actually there. Doughboy was the same complaining about some food I bought that he didn’t like and then proceed to eat the whole bloody thing. He had real food issues had to have the biggest piece of pie always first at the buffet, no hesitation. More than once I had to quietly mention he might want to leave some of the hors d’oeuvres for the other guests. Of course he’d be terribly offended! Ugh!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Yep, this too. The biggest piece, the first in line, the best of the best. What was his was his, but what was yours was his too.

Every single day for the first three years of our marriage he would run into the bathroom shouting, “I get the hot water first!” Every single morning.

Wow did I spackle.

Michelle
Michelle
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

All the comments here are so horrifying, (and hilarious!) to the point of seeming ridiculous, (if it weren’t for the fact that I’ve witnessed so much of the same in my own marriage, LOL), but for some reason your husband racing to be first for the hot water EVERY SINGLE MORNING, just stopped me in my tracks. Its such a perfect example of a complete lack of thought for their spouse, just pure unchecked selfishness. And, yes, it’s disgusting, pathetic, all those things, but mostly…… it’s effing hurtful, to get that same little message to begin your every Damn day! Gah! I’m new here, so I know you don’t know me, but I wanted to say I’m sorry you went thru that.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

My fuckwit hated tequila, that was my drink. He proceeded to choke it down though just to spite me. He was always cleaning out the liquor cabinet like that, had to “clean this up” as he made sure to gobble every drop of anything I preferred and he was more meh about. Piggy little passive aggressive boy.

Also, I could never have leftover restaurant food in the fridge without coming back to find huge amounts missing. If it was mine he thought he could just help himself, and would stand at the fridge picking through styrofoam containers with his fingers. Jeebus, I will NOT miss the constant picking at food! Picking at the common serving platter instead of taking a serving, picking food from the just-opened can of whatever before it went into the pot, picking the chicken skin 100% off the bird for himself while carving. licking popcorn directly from the big shared bowl instead of taking some. Such a goddam baby.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Oh, I forgot one— when going to a “light eats” kind of buffet party where the plates were just 6” (a clear indication that this is not a meal), fuckwit proceeded to pile that little disk so high it was taller than wide. Then he went back again, and again, and again and do the same. After the third trip I gave him the stink eye about it because I was getting a real sense that it was being noticed. He had a tantrum and we had to leave.

He was being so rude to eat like he was at the freaking Kountry Kitchen Buffet when it was supposed to be a higher class little wine tasting with friends. Of course he will remember it as me being a horrid nagging bitch. So embarrassing.

Kiwichump
Kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Sounds like the Traitor, another selfish glutton.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago