UBT: “My handling of your situation is beyond fault.”

pompousDear Chump Lady,

A family member is divorcing her serial cheater and is attempting no contact. Below is a recent email from her not-soon-enough-to-be-ex that demands a trip through the Universal Bullshit Detector. She’d appreciate your take on it. Behold a masterpiece of crazy:

Subject: You asked for it

Draconian is an adjective meaning great severity, that derives from Draco, an Athenian law scribe under whom small offences had heavy punishments (Draconian laws). Sort of reminds me of only one person I have ever met. Funny thing with mental aberrations is that they do not resolve themselves, they only change tack. Shift focus if you like. The attached probably will be way over your head, but if not, it will be way over your objective understanding of this world. Of course this will anger you, but it is not my concern, experience have shown me time and again, that the biggest critics of professionals and achievers have been unfulfilled assholes who are essentially spectators. My handling of your situation, if you read the attached, is beyond fault. But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see. You would love to blame all your problems in your life on someone else, that being me….but I don’t buy it anymore. I do not have the energy or the inclination to talk to you about your paranoia about the past. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: I HAVE NOT SEEN JOAN SINCE OCTOBER LAST YEAR. I DID NOT GIVE HER ONE DIME, OR PAID HER FINES. Anyway that should be easy for you to check, having an insider at the traffic dept. By the way, have you heard of the PRIVACY ACT? I am going to cost your buddy at the traffic dept her job. She divulged information to an outsider in contravention of the law

As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain. You saw what happened last time I made a decent offer, you took it to the lawyer, and then it disappeared off the table.

True insanity is to try the same shit over and over again, expecting a different result (not that it would stop you!)

[2 attachments discussing mental illness]*

Joan is the first known OW, and apparently a repeat.

The attachments were articles on Schizophreniform disorders.  When he speaks of “handling her situation,” what he is referring to is a period of time when he drugged her so she’d be more compliant.  He claimed that her doctor phoned in a prescription to the pharmacy where he works (as a pharmacist), but it turns out that never happened.  Basically, he wants her (and probably everyone else) to believe that she is mentally ill to justify his misconduct.  Pretty creepy stuff.

Survivor

Dear Survivor,

Yeah, that is creepy. Drugging your wife and saying it was on doctor’s orders is the stuff of sociopathic Dateline specials. Sure it’s Ambien. Really. You can trust me… She’s fortunate she’s alive to divorce Mr. Scary Pharmacist.

Forgive the tangent, but Tom Lehrer’s My Home Town just sprung to mind.

I remember Sam
The druggist on the corner, he
Was never mean or orner-y,
He was swell!

He killed his mother-in-law
And ground her up real well!
And sprinkled just a bit
Over each banana split.

A great satire about the dark side of the “super, special, just plain folk” like your sinister chemist there. I mean, goodness knows what he could’ve been slipping in those “doctor prescribed” meds. Yikes.

I think you need a police report more than you need the UBT, but here goes….

Subject: You asked for it

Isn’t that what people say before they hit you? “You asked for it!” must be the most common utterance of abusers. Not terribly original. This abuse I’m about to hurl at you? You asked for it. You make me hurt you.

Draconian is an adjective meaning great severity, that derives from Draco, an Athenian law scribe under whom small offences had heavy punishments (Draconian laws).

I’m erudite! I said draconian and Athenian and scribe! Behold my awesome historical references!

Notice too “severity,” “law,” and “punishments.” But, oh no, this isn’t a threat.

The UBT thinks this is a very weird way to begin an email, like it’s some academic lecture. He’d like to set the tone of superiority, of master and naughty disciple. You wicked girl! You dare object to a “small offense”?

Sort of reminds me of only one person I have ever met.

The UBT wants to guess! You met Draco the Athenian law scribe?! What’s he like? A real hard ass, huh? Don’t you wonder how some middle management scribe got so much power to punish?  Who put him in charge anyway?

Oh. You mean the naughty girl. Must be that time of the month. Bitch be Draconian.

Funny thing with mental aberrations is that they do not resolve themselves, they only change tack. Shift focus if you like.

Word salad. (UBT is sputtering.)

Translation: The funny thing about mental illness is it doesn’t get better, it just manifests in other ways.

The UBT thinks it takes one to know one. Projection much?

I’m a sick abberent bastard. My problems will not get better. I will only change tactics and try and manipulate you harder. Right now I’m stuck on the rage channel.

The attached probably will be way over your head, but if not, it will be way over your objective understanding of this world.

I’m sending you trenchant, sophisticated literature, which you are congenitally incapable of understanding.

It’s like lining a guinea pig cage with pages from the Economist and then asking Mr. Squiffles his thoughts on the Romanian corruption scandal.

Mr. Squiffles has no objective understanding of Romanian corruption scandals. Such weighty matters of world affairs are over Mr. Squiffles’ fuzzy, little head.

Of course this will anger you, but it is not my concern,

I thrill to anger you.

experience have shown me time and again, that the biggest critics of professionals and achievers have been unfulfilled assholes who are essentially spectators.

No one can appreciate my greatness! MR. SQUIFFLES, YOU UNDERESTIMATE ME!

My handling of your situation, if you read the attached, is beyond fault.

I shall be explaining my faultless grandiosity in court.

But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see.

My blamelessness wears an invisibility cloak. It cannot be seen by unfulfilled, common guinea pigs such as yourself. Only the Great and Powerful can understand my handling of the situation. If they tune their mercury fillings into radio frequency 380-385 MHz we can communicate! Failing that, by tinfoil hat, but be careful — the squirrels are listening.

You would love to blame all your problems in your life on someone else, that being me….but I don’t buy it anymore. I do not have the energy or the inclination to talk to you about your paranoia about the past. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: I HAVE NOT SEEN JOAN SINCE OCTOBER LAST YEAR. I DID NOT GIVE HER ONE DIME, OR PAID HER FINES.

You accuse me unjustly. Stop being paranoid. Just because I drugged you, doesn’t mean I have to explain myself.

Anyway that should be easy for you to check, having an insider at the traffic dept. By the way, have you heard of the PRIVACY ACT? I am going to cost your buddy at the traffic dept her job. She divulged information to an outsider in contravention of the law

You’ve been talking to the SQUIRRELS, haven’t you! Watching us! Making reports! Covert squirrels have infiltrated the traffic department!

As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain. You saw what happened last time I made a decent offer, you took it to the lawyer, and then it disappeared off the table.

True insanity is to try the same shit over and over again, expecting a different result (not that it would stop you!)

[2 attachments discussing mental illness]*

If you’re reasonable, I’ll call you a bitch. That’s your Best Case Scenario, there. Go through your lawyer? Misery and pain! No deal!

The UBT cannot imagine anything more delightful than divorcing such a person. Misery and pain? That’s his balls in a vice and your lawyer’s hand on the crank.

So sad when abusive narcs face consequences. Mr. Squiffles knows way more than you think, dude. Enjoy your day in court.

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Nancy
Nancy
8 years ago

“I Will deal with you man to bitch”… is that a threat or a promise?

ChumpedUpChik
ChumpedUpChik
8 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

Just send in Mr. Squiffles to bite his obnoxious draconian ass. Hot tea spewed from my nose and I nearly choked to death, I was laughing so hard! Would love to send this grandiose POS this translation and be a fly on the wall for the stellar show of self-righteous indignation. 3 cheers for Mr. Squiffles!

Nord
Nord
8 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

No shit! I’ll take my bitch over your questionable man any day of the week!

deepbreaths
deepbreaths
8 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

Kay, he exposed his biggest fear: lawyers! Get the best. And don’t read anything more from him. He’s told you he’s going draconian on you so believe him and don’t look at anything he sends. It’s like looking at the sun. He is on a mission to maim you so don’t give him access to your psyche. Everyday of NC is another day of healing and that’s the only way to build (or re-build) your mental and emotional strength. My x pig was in health care too and he dosed me, dangerously, after he ruptured two discs in my back. My first hope and healing came from CL, so visit often and soak in the good advice from all who have come before you. It’s a mighty group of strong survivors. You will be mighty again too! Hugs !

OutWest
OutWest
8 years ago
Reply to  deepbreaths

He thinks he is smarter than lawyers and you should harness this against him. Let him posture and when this crazy ends up in court, the judge should see right through it….a good lawyer, new locks, a PO. Keep safe, he sounds super scary. I would prob be paranoid and not drink or eat anything that isn’t fresh, no leftovers etc just because I can see this nut job sneaking in and drugging your food. But that’s just me, living with a scary person made me pretty paranoid…

ElectricTulip
ElectricTulip
8 years ago
Reply to  OutWest

I bet he is too good for lawyers and will go into Court as a litigant in person (if this is a feasible scenario). You could sell tickets.

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

Hah! Yes! Get a male lawyer, and deal with him man to bitch. Make your ex your bitch.

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
8 years ago

There are far too many horrible people in this world. Life is too short to have to deal with the vicious insanity these cheaters dole out. The writer of this letter sounds both crazy and scary.

ken_doll
ken_doll
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

He’s crazy and scary when he’s dealing with the woman he cheated on. If he had to face up to another man, he’d be a wuss. Guarantee it.

Finally realized
Finally realized
8 years ago
Reply to  ken_doll

That’s exactly who this guy is. Exactly.

FoolMeTwice
FoolMeTwice
8 years ago
Reply to  ken_doll

I’d put money on that.

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Yea, crazy & scary! Oh shit! I hope he’s not my pharmacist!

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
8 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Glad, that’s exactly what I thought = crazy AND scary. His rambling is a product of his distorted mind. Major creep.

Luziana
Luziana
8 years ago

Dear Lord! The mask done slipped and the whole shebang has melted! Those of us who had to keep a notebook of shitty things said to remind us that Hoovers be Hoovering could have just clipped this baby as Cliff Notes and been done with it. I hope the long suffering chump intended does several things with no reservations-

1. Document, document, document.
2. Lawyer up to the bejeezus and decorate the walls with nailed nracissistic balls.
3. When all is said and nearly done, show up to court with a support posse, look fabulous, smile sweetly, and refuse to even share the air in an elevator with that sweltering turd.

Mehphista
Mehphista
8 years ago

Wow. Just wow. CL, buy the UBT some WD-40 and a neat Scotch from me.

This guy is fricking dangerously silly, or so silly he is dangerous, Survivor. As my Narc lost his grip on me and DD, he lost his grip on reality. And got nastier…..keep your nerve. Change locks. If this guy drugged you, he may try worse as you start to get-or at least show-a bit of Meh.

And get help from professionals-your lawyer, his balls. End of. You can’t negotiate with terrorists.

It is really hard not to swing at ptiches like this, but don’t. I wouldn’t even acknowledge this. Sticking to business and business only, “Thanks for the info”. No Contact otherwise. Set up an email account to forward all this tripe to, and get on with your day. A restraining order would not be amiss.

“Sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Except maybe you are well away from this contumacious, chauvinist, nincompoop. Survivors know some big words, too. Difference is, we deploy them in truth, not attack. I used to teach humanities-I’d give this jackass a D- for composition….

Big hugs, Survivor!
Love to Chump Nation.
x-Meh.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  Mehphista

Chaser the border collie knows more grammar than this bozo:

Mismatched Noun/Verb: “experience have [sic] shown me time and again”

Run on sentence: “As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain.”

Double adjectives, missing noun: “But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see.”

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I noticed the problems with syntax and usage. That not only means he’s not as smart as he things he is, he’s not nearly as coherent as he wants people to believe.

StrongerEveryday
StrongerEveryday
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

You know, the poor writing was hard for the copy-editing portion of my brain read. It is especially bizarre given that he is trying to school the recipient, acting like he is some great intellectual genius.

My next thought was that perhaps English is not his first language…but no. He’s too crazy across the board, so methinks he’s just another deluded asshole with overblown delusions of his own greatness.

not Juliet
not Juliet
8 years ago

There are some seriously crazy people out there. A girl at work, her friend and her husband were supposedly normal. A few years ago, the guy shoots the wife, chops her up, puts her in the freezer for a few days calls the police, tells them the wife is still alive, in the freezer. Runs from them, long pursuit, till they kill him. Crazy.

ChumpsOfHumanity
ChumpsOfHumanity
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

If this guy wasn’t such a scary nutcase, the wife should red line his email and send it back to him. With notes on grammer to help the Simpleton construct a proper message.

Freeatlast
Freeatlast
8 years ago

Here Here! If he’s so smart, why can’t he structure a sentence properly. Good grief that was hard to read.

Chumpy
Chumpy
8 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yeah, I don’t know how you did it. That is one crazy MFer!!!

Irene
Irene
8 years ago

I saved the emails calling me a crazy bitch and a cunt. Yes, document!

MissTwizzler
MissTwizzler
8 years ago

This asswipe is a straight up nutcase,yo…he’s self destructing…

whodathunk
whodathunk
8 years ago

This sounds like the shit my STBX sent me – sounds like he’s in the manic phase of bi-polar disorder. The grandiosity, the threats that your actions are “probably illegal”, the threats of misery to come if you don’t play by his rules…. Yup.
My attorney has 2 3″ binders full of screen shots of text messages. What genius doesn’t understand is that judges hate that shit. He has put down the shovel & started up a backhoe to keep digging that hole.
NC and absolutely no response is the only way to go, and absolutely do NOT communicate or try to negotiate directly, go through attorneys. Ugh, reading that was trigger-y.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago

Official diagnosis of letter writer: Cuckoo.

If I received such a letter, my next step would be to buy a Rottweiler, sign up for handgun lessons, and line the sidewalk to the front door with land mines (guests–enter at the back).

“Bitch” best be careful.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Make sure your sister saves this for her lawyer. I thimk having it could provide some decent leverage.

ChumpsOfHumanity
ChumpsOfHumanity
8 years ago

This email is chilling. I agree with CL. I would file a police report. This is one scary nutjob.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
8 years ago

I think they only say, “You asked fro it” AFTER they hit you.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago

Self righteous, passive aggressive word salad bullshit. Thats all this is.
This letter (a copy of it, anyway) needs to be taken straight to your family member’s lawyer ASAP, as documented proof that he is a raging nutjob.
And she needs to sleep with one eye open, because this shithead seems capable of absolutely anything.

Roberta
Roberta
8 years ago

I am just loving the mental picture of his balls in a vice and her lawyers hand on the crank! Kind of like my lawyer did to my ex!!! I love it! This guy apparently knows he’s a burnt shish ka bob and now he’s trying to ramp up the threats! Judges and lawyers just love these nut balls! IGNOR the ass and forge forward with your demands, guaranteed he’ll fold!! Mine finally did! Oh and to the person who posted about having all their evidence in three ring binders, so did I! Along with an index and a great timeline! Worked very, very well!

OutWest
OutWest
8 years ago
Reply to  Roberta

I had tons of documentation. My x was not this scary violent, he was simmering …. just enough to make me scared the entire year. He could turn that shit on with a switch, sweet to neighbors and kids, ‘scary to me’ Awful. Anyway, the documentation is the way to go. Keep all documentation out of the house, hopefully at lawyers. Have a safe plan etc….in the end, they do usually negotiate. I walked out of negotiations. Her lawyer needs to be top notch! UGH, the fear…..

Gail
Gail
8 years ago

These guys see killing you as a valid option….having to pay anything makes them mental!!!!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
8 years ago

Very scary! How is this dude still employed as a pharmacist after that stunt?! Yes, please get police involved. This guy sounds dangerous and willing to violate whatever to do what he wants. Very sick. Divorce is a good idea here!

KarenE
KarenE
8 years ago

This is one where the UBT’s job is mostly fairly straightforward; just switch the direction of each sentence, and bingo, there’s the reality! He says she’s crazy, but in reality, he’s crazy. This information about mental illness explains what’s wrong with you, but will probably be over your head? This info explains that I’m mentally il, but is actually too hard for me to understand! He says she’s extreme …. He says she’ll regret messing with him …..

I especially like that last bit, once it’s switched!

Survivor
Survivor
8 years ago

This is my sweet sister by marriage in the post. She checks in here sometimes, but I don’t think she’s posted. She can use some support from CN. Her court date is months away and this is the sort of thing she has to live with in the meantime. You can call her Kay.
.

DaisyDupedNoMore
DaisyDupedNoMore
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Survivor, thanks for sending this in on behalf of Kay! Please encourage her to talk to the police. That drugging her shit has me worried. That is a step or ten beyond simple crazy and as others have mentioned, he should not be a licensed pharmacist after that stunt.

Kay, if you’re reading this. Stay strong girl, CL and Chump Nation are standing with you.

Hugs,
Daisy

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Many Jedi Hugs going out to you Kay. If you have any evidence of the drugging, that should be followed up on and charges filed. That is some scary stuff, be watchful and keep safe

OutWest
OutWest
8 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Hugs and love to Kay.

Einstein
Einstein
8 years ago

I have to wade through a lot of professional papers, where they use a lot of big words but don’t manage to say much of anything. That’s what happens when you are trying to demonstrate how smart you are.

This is an attempt to goad a chump who has gone NC on them. It REALLY pisses them off. If you continue with the NC, and refuse to engage with him, he will step up this bullshit giving you some REAL good crap for court.

Sit back and watch him make a complete ass of himself, and please share.

Happily never after
Happily never after
8 years ago

Get him reported to the pharmacy board for drugging you!

linddykal
linddykal
8 years ago

I’ve seen crueler letters but I have to say this is the creepiest.

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago

Kay,
Best of luck in court! This man is cuckoo. I hope you protect yourself & never trust him with anything.
I was married to a nutcase too… A less verbal one. He painted me in his ugly colors and stole my ‘halo’.
These fucktards are so dangerous. I learned the hard way what happens when you try to expose a psychopath… He/she gets very vindictive and merciless and will not hold back.
Please stay safe! Getting a weapon for self defense is a good idea. Do not let this man near children if you have any.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  LittleLady

So true, LittleLady. As my therapist says, “A wounded narcissist is a dangerous animal.”

Boudica Reborn
Boudica Reborn
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

So true! This man bleeds, no, hemorrhages narcissistic rage! Get a really good divorce attorney who specializes in high conflict cases. Also, because this wingnut looks like he would like to instigate a scorched-earth scenario on all of this, absolutely go NC and keep safe.

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago

Tell everyone you know, Survivor. Everyone. Doesn’t matter how embarrassing it might be for Kay, you need to shine the spotlight on this guy and keep it there.

How do I know. This guy risked his professional license to DRUG HER. He has risked imprisonment for a FELONY to do it. He is confident in his psychopathy that he will not be caught, because she and others won’t tell. I’ve told the story before, and I won’t put anybody through it again, but a friend went through this same thing with a doctor she was involved with—and SHE IS DEAD.

Tell. Tell. Tell. Every single fucking time this asshole writes something like this? Publish it. On the internet. Make a blog just like this one that CL has—use wordpress or blogger and GET IT OUT THERE. Do NOT use this as “secret leverage”. It is a bad idea. Make copies and send them to every person you know—and then TELL HIM YOU DID IT. Don’t elaborate, just matter of fact, “Hey, STBXH, I cc’d every single person we know and some we don’t. Oh. And here’s the link to the website that I’ve published all of your emails on. From now on, you talk through my lawyer or I will sue you for harassment. Have a nice day.” (and mean it with the harassment part. he writes again, that is harassment. knock his ass to the ground for every single email that doesn’t go through her lawyer)

The more your sister holds this story close, the more this guy will harass her. The only thing that scares this kind of psychopath is daylight and a bully with a bigger stick. Make a police report. Tell everyone who will listen and let them read what he’s written—let them know that he drugged her. If she doesn’t want that, too bad. This man is beyond sick….he is evil.

Don’t fuck with this guy, no matter how amusing it might seem to make fun of him. These types don’t exact revenge when they feel the sting—they wait. They are predators and they are dangerous. I watched my XH exact revenge on people he thought had done him wrong—YEARS after the fact. They don’t forgive and they do not forget.

The only protection she has is to keep everyone informed of exactly what he has done and is doing.

Good luck to you both.

Donna
Donna
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

Kay get away from this scary monster. This is beyond rage and abuse. Anyone willing to jeopardize their livelihood to keep you in your place by drugging and threatening you into submission is dangerous. Report him and get a restraining order immediately. If you believe he will harm you go to a shelter. He sounds very explosive and reactive. Be safe first.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

I agree. Let folks know about this and the drugging. Not sure if anyone suggested hiding it and using it as leverage. Publishing it and still using it in court or negotiations are not mutually exclusive.

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

I did not know that, Arnold…I thought that perhaps if you tip your hand publicly like that–it “taints” the evidence in some way. I’m glad to hear that it may not.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

Should be useful regardless of publication if he and his lawrer fear the judge seeing it.

Tempest
Tempest
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

SphinxMoth–I think it is worth writing your friend’s story again. There are new posters every day (and I’ve been here 8 months and don’t recall the story fully).

These people are not safe, and the most dangerous time to a spouse is when she/he leaves the sociopath. It is easy to minimize the danger, but stories like Tessie’s and Irish’s and Datdamwuf’s are worth repeating so that people take precautions.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I agree, Sphinx. I don’t recall it in its entirety either and even at this stage (18 months out) it would be beneficial for me as I’m still dealing with my ex. This letter in this post today triggered some things for me and brought some things to light…even after all this time I’m still finding ways I’ve excused his behavior or didn’t have a name for it at the time and just shoved it to the back of my mind.

Constant reminders are always helpful.

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
8 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I agree. Tell the story or bump the thread in the forum.

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago
Reply to  EnoughAlready

Boyfriend was a resident and friend was a tech that worked in the same hospital. She put him thru residency—pretty much paid for everything major because as you know, doctors are paid pretty much nothing during their 4-6 year stint.

They had a lot of financial entanglements–but not because he paid for much, it’s because she thought they were building a life together and purchased high ticket items for the both of them–a condo, nice furniture, etc. He took, and took and took. She gave freely and willingly because she loved him.

But don’t worry, he said, when I graduate, we’ll get married and I’ll be able to pay my share, do my share. It’ll be great.

He had a few really nasty (to me, anyway) quirks that she let him get away with–he liked to grow pot in his little hydroponics set up in their spare room. She hated it, but he convinced her that it was “harmless” and that if he got caught, “they only give doctors a slap on the hand” for doing these things. She was never comfortable, and as far as I know, she never partook—but she let him get away with it. Because she loved him.

He graduates. Big money in his immediate future! The payoff for all of their hard work and sacrifice!!

She says, “Ok. Now it’s time to get married. I’ve been with you for 8 years, supported you through all of your lean times…and you said that we’d get married and things will be just as we planned.”

He says, “Uh….well….um…..did I say that? Well, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about all of that. I’m not sure we’re really compatible anymore. I think I need to go my own way for awhile.”

She spazzzzzed out, and I saw that personally. It was not pretty, it was heartbreaking. She’d put her “best years” into this asshole (that nobody liked anyway) —and now this?

One afternoon, everyone gets the call that she was brought into the emergency room of his hospital.

Here’s HIS story:

They were calmly discussing how to divide the assets. Nice, calm–he was telling her how he wanted her to “take everything” and he wanted small things, because he could now afford all of the “nice things” he’d always wanted (he apparently didn’t realize how assholish this sounded).

They have a bit of an argument over some things–SHE gets upset. She locks herself in the bathroom. FOR THREE HOURS.

He didn’t bother to check on her, because hey—she’s upset and he had to make a sandwich or something (being sarcastic here).

After 3 hours, he decides to go and check. She doesn’t answer the door. He bangs on the door. No answer. He “gets very worried”. He breaks down the door….and finds her there on the floor, with an empty bottle of Elavil (an antidepressant) by her side.

(here’s where things get downright stupid)

Now, he’s a DOCTOR. There is a hospital 2 miles down the road–but not the one he works for.

Instead of calling 9-1-1 (as any trained healthcare worker knows to do. EMS has the equipment to save a life within minutes)—-he decides to try and resuscitate her right there on the floor.

OD’s aren’t resuscitated with CPR—they need different care, like intubation.

He wastes some time. Then, he decides to put her IN HIS CAR and drive to HIS hospital—-30 minutes across town.

She was DOA.

When they pumped her stomach—they found absolutely no residual Elavil in her. Nothing. No pills, no higher blood levels that what she already had (she was taking the elavil, so she did have some normally in her blood).

Moral of the story: DEAD IS DEAD. He may have sleazed his way out of it, because they could never prove what it was that killed her—no murder weapon, no witnesses, just suspicion—but SHE IS DEAD.

He got to move on, with all of that nice “stuff” (he didn’t have to spend a dime getting new things)—moved a girlfriend into the condo within months—and my friend IS STILL DEAD.

Do NOT fuck with these types. In my humble opinion—you find out your SO is a cheater? ALWAYS look at them through the lens of the story I just told you. THEY ARE ALL CAPABLE OF DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THEIR WAY AND COVER THEMSELVES.

If someone is ready, willing and able to risk your life through unprotected sex—do you honestly think that they would not harm you in some other way? Do you really, honestly believe that the person that brings potential crazy (think Fatal Attraction) into your home/life with you and your kids wouldn’t harm you in some other way?

If you do…..then perhaps….well…..I think anybody who believes that their cheating spouse, who did all of these horrendous things to them—would not harm them in more serious ways—is deluding themselves and needs professional help. I’m not trying to be hurtful, just blunt, because some people around here seem to fucking need it.

Sorry to say, those who believe in unicorns—unless you want to be the doormat forever (and if you’re honest with yourselves, you are turning yourself into a frazzled, freaky mess to “keep your marriage together” with a person who would RISK YOUR VERY LIFE)—-you need to go NO CONTACT and get professional help for yourself and your kids.

That’s the sad tale.

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

**post script—- And yes, he DID get away with it. He lives a very comfortable, cushy life now, with a girlfriend—not the one he moved into my friend’s condo, btw. He changes gfs like he changes clothes.

I want to make sure that nobody misunderstands me on this. If you think your cheater is “different”—-SO DID I. So did my friend. I have said those words….”But he’s different. He would NEVER do that.”

Yes, they would. You give them the opportunity—they will. They have ALREADY PROVEN IT.

Think of that. Think of how he (or she) came home, told you what a wonderful spouse you are, and ASKED FOR SEX. They just got done doing their AP UNPROTECTED—and they come home and ask you to put that thing in your mouth or they want you to “go south” after their man just did his thing there.

It’s crass and it’s disgusting—and IT IS THE TRUTH. It is the REALITY of cheating.

They come home and put their face next to yours or your kids’—smoochie kissy lovey—-when it’s been…..where?

They spend family resources without regard for “what if we can’t pay the bills next month”—who gets to feed and house your kids?? YOU DO. Oh yeah….you get to turn yourself into a crazy pretzel to make ends meet—

Because they are just soooooo wonderful. All the time. So nice and so friendly and always have your back. Well, they’re back there, all right, ready to drive the blade right between your shoulders.

The only reason that some cheaters don’t resort to this type of drastic measure? Because they are fearful of being caught—NOT BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU OR CARE ABOUT YOU.

Think about that. The only reason they would not drop you off the side of the Grand Canyon is because THEY ARE FEARFUL THEY WILL GET CAUGHT.

Do NOT underestimate them. Ever. I did it—and I was sorry. I’m still living, but I have had serious health issues since.

Not just emotional scars. Towards the end of my marriage, when he was being an outright monster—-I started having problems with wound healing. Anything. A small cut or abrasion….would take weeks to heal. I began to become so fatigued, I couldn’t stand up.

I mean FATIGUE. Like walk across the room and then have to sleep for 4 hours.

Several days after I kicked him out, I went to the doctor. My hemoglobin was 8. They TRANSFUSE people at 10. Normal is above 12.

My red blood cells were being destroyed or lost because of something. I had a colonoscopy, an upper GI and an abdominal CT. NOTHING. There was absolutely zero way that I was losing them….so they must be getting destroyed.

I had to be hospitalized while they gave me high doses of iron to bring my RBC level back to normal. I stayed for 3 days—and then was released home (without fucktard there).

We never found out what was doing it—and within several weeks, and maintenance therapy—the anemia RESOLVED. Disease processes don’t do that.

There is another way for someone to have the symptoms that I did—-rat poison. Small doses of rat poison. It’s how d-con works. Rats/mice eat the arsenic….it destroys their blood cells….(well, in those cases, it’s a large dose)….and they die of hypoxia.

Say….sprinkle a little on someone’s food….day by day…..little by little…..the person slowly declines….it’s not a sudden, abrupt death.

Do I KNOW this is what happened? No. I don’t.

What I DO know? My XH was KNOWN to exact revenge on people he believed did him wrong or stood in his way. Even a slight insult like when a manager told him he was gaining weight one day—my XH turned around and stole this guy’s PDA (I was not married to him at the time)—which was this guy’s lifeline (as our cellphones are to us these days).

You see vindictive? You see brooding? You see little white lies? You see negativity?

RUN. These are precursors of what is to come. Believe me—you think…”He may do that to other people, but he would never do that to me.” or “Isn’t it wonderful how jealous my husband/wife is? It shows me how much they love me.”

No. They don’t love you. They are control freaks and when it’s your turn to be treated like shit, just how you see them treat other people…..it will burn you to the ground.

Sorry for the rant, folks. I am triggered today with this like I haven’t been for a very long time.

I’m tired of seeing people get hurt by these assholes and give excuses for them as to why “its different” with their cheater asshole.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

High regards for you SphinxMoth! My heart doth swell with pain for you. Cyber hugs.

nicolette14
nicolette14
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

Sphinx, OMW that’s exactly what happened to me, step by step…I kept getting sick and that was the exact time frame, he was trying to convince me to make him beneficiary to everything, and I mean everything that I own (instead of my minor son and I was 38 btw) when he didn’t have shit to his name, when he was a freeloading POS with everything. He was pretty sure I was going to die before my child reached 18 and was trying to convince me, by saying “make me the beneficiary to everything and when (not if) you die and when your son turns 18 I will turn over everything to your son, I am only thinking of him, so your ex-husband (my Childs father)doesn’t funnel everything into his own pocket and name before your son is 18” Mind you, he wasn’t just a serial cheating, pathological lying, freeloading pos mooch, he was/is also a thief! When he finally realized I wasn’t going to do that, for some reason my health got better. I think he realized if I died and since he wasn’t beneficiary to anything, he would’ve lost his meal ticket so he kept trying other cons. There is much much more, but it would take forever for me to write it. But looking back now and seeing his true colors, I know I wouldn’t be here writing this post if I was stupid enough to do what he wanted me to do back then..

Einstein
Einstein
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

A narcissist will kill you for one of two reasons (1) revenge (quite possibly over a perceived slight) and (2) because you are in their way.

And you’re right, the only difference between those who will and those who don’t is fear of getting caught.

It’s foolish to believe they are not dangerous.

Mighty Mite
Mighty Mite
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

SphinxMoth, I’m sorry that you have been triggered…but, I really needed to hear this today. My stbx has refused to settle our divorce and trial is next week. Married 21 years, he doesn’t think I deserve anything. To the point, he thinks he deserves EVERYTHING and is refusing to accept the reality that he will not get to keep everything. The truth is he lost it all when he decided fucking whores was more important than his family, but he refuses to acknowledge any responsibility. The biggest point of contention is the house…he’s hanging on for dear life. I’m very afraid of what he might do when he is eventually confronted with the reality he won’t be able to keep it. I think he will be very desperate. That house is his only status symbol left and losing it will make him look like a failure to all of his friends/acquaintances and he can’t handle that. It will contradict the narrative he’s been putting out there about why our marriage is ending and his responsibility in it. He also uses the house and his perceived “material success” in life to impress the women he’s trying so desperately to lure into his creepy life. He must be seen as the successful, big man. He can’t handle the truth that he’s a creepy, perverted, sick and twisted excuse for a human being.
Thanks for your timely warning. You’re right Sphinx…these disordered a-holes will do anything to have what they want. Please know that sharing your painful story and that of your friend has done me world of good today. I’m thinking of buying a gun after work.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

Sphinx, this spoke volumes to me! Thank you for sharing, I NEEDED to hear it.

Arnold
Arnold
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

I agree completely. I have some mind boggling stories sbout my XW. She is capable of anything.

chumpaloney
chumpaloney
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

OH HOLY HELL! O…M…G! YES! Sphinx! they are capable…and willing…I am so thankful that you are o.k!…it is so bizarre to think of the person that shared your life and kissed you good morning…wants you dead behind their carefully constructed facade…it’s chilling…they are all the same…

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

Sphinx, this is a great idea, UNLESS she is in direct physical contact, or has the potential to be in day to day life, with this fuckwit. In that case I wouldn’t show all of the cards in this manner, because he can and will get violent to prove a point.
I’m speaking from experience with this – I was nearly physically assaulted by an ex after I went full disclosure on their cheating. As in, backed against a wall, hands around the neck style. The only reason I got out of that situation unscathed is because I said, completely devoid of fear (and bear this in mind, he was twice my size and three times my weight): “I know 10 ways to kill you myself from this position, I suggest you back the fuck off NOW” and he thought that he himself was at risk of harm so he backed off.

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
8 years ago

Hi Kay,

I understand the fear that this kind of crap (although your nutjob takes it to a very special level) can engender.

When my husband (STBX) faced the possibility of having to divide a portion of the marital assets (after refusing to pay any child support for our kids), he warned me that I would not ever see a penny of money from him and that my lawyer and I would run sobbing from the courtroom. When I told my lawyer that, her first response was to laugh–then she asked if it was a physical threat, and I told her no.

She’s seen this before. CN has seen this before. CL has seen this before. (Okay, maybe not the part about drugging you.) That’s why this isn’t as scary to them, because they have seen people bluster, and then fold. My settlement conference is next month, and so far, I’m the one who’s looking like I’m in a stronger position.

You just have to go through this crap and keep facing it to get to the point where you find your courage again. Meanwhile, know that you don’t have to walk through this alone. Assemble Team Kay: lawyer, therapist, CN, your sister-by-marriage. It starts getting better from here. Be sure to tell your lawyer you’d like to have your doctor’s statement deposed as part of the divorce. He thinks he understand the concept of Draconian? Ain’t seen nothing yet.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
8 years ago

Just wow! There is an elevator that doesn’t go all the way to the top floor and if it does, there are lots of crazy people partying with him. That is some scary shit! I’m not sure what kind of action you can get from law enforcement with just the ramblings of a certified wackadoodle but it can’t hurt to explore it!

I used to feel bad that the exhole in my life rarely read and if he wrote anything it was two sentences (and both of those sentences were probably grammatically incorrect with several spelling errors). I prefer that over the musings of a psychopath any day of the week.

The bummer thing is that I’m guessing this whack job probably takes his scary up a notch or two if he is ignored. At the very least I’d get a giant dog that isn’t afraid of protecting its owner!!!

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago

I’ll take two of whatever that fuck wit was smoking…. I would love a trip to Athens and thru time! maybe he should put down the pipe when he is watching 300 or was it Troy? Trippy.
Mine loves to quote archiac methods of totrure and like pleasantries…. Its a mind fuck. I tread lightly around my nut job. I sleep wih one eye open. Its a balancing act and i count the days off onthe calander that I never have to deal with him again.
Becareful. I dont have more to offer.
He could be a loud mouth schnook… Who loves to hear himself and gets off on the fear factor or he can be the biggest threat to yr life. Have a plan. Document well.
I am sorry u are going thru this.

TheClip
TheClip
8 years ago
Reply to  TheClip

Ohhh… And what Sphinx said….. Tell everybody! Document. Have witnesses. Its solid advice

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago

Ahhhh – Kay must be expecting half of the marital assets. Yep – going through this bullshit myself. My stbx tried to ‘deal’ with me and was constantly texting me on his ‘great’ offers. Then he would sit and explain how his offers were to great. Something I just COULDN’T pass up. Silly jackass must have thought I forgot about that Pension he has. Or the cashing in of that Roth. Or the fact he has 13000 more in his 401k than I do. Once he figured out that yes – I will be taking half that pension, roth, and 401k – he got nasty. Very nasty. I have kept all his texts and have showed them to all my friends and family. The thing is, my lawyer doesn’t seem to be giving them much weight, which I think is bullshit. I am asking for dissipation, but I was told judges don’t care to hear about these little ‘threats.’ WOW – I just can’t believe the judge wouldn’t award more assets to someone going through this abuse. I don’t give my stbx the time of day unless I have to. He has been an asshole and like Kay, I am blamed for our divorce. He is the psycho. His threats don’t work so today he texts me and asks me to come for dinner. I said no. Then he asks if I would like to come over for a drink. NO! his last response then was “Well I am just trying to be nice and see how you were doing.” Ya -go fuck yourself asswipe. I didn’t respond to his last text.
My therapist told me the other day that she thinks she is counseling the wrong patient. No shit?

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

When you stay in a text-messaging relationship with these abusers, you give them a direct portal into your head and your life. And it is way to easy to fire off a response. Much better to be as No Contact as possible and use email or snail mail.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Lady, think what you want but never answer those emails with anything he can use against you in court. If the emails are threatening the judge may care, by that I mean physically threatening, otherwise it’s likely the judge won’t care, they’ve seen too much crazy in divorce cases

Miss Sunshine
Miss Sunshine
8 years ago

Here’s how I interpret the letter:

[Ramblings of a narcissistic lunatic, peppered with threats.] I am superior, you are inferior, also I am fancy and use big words. Why, I am practical a doctor (see attached, not that you would understand it.) The drugs I used on you, in fact, appear in said literature, and I can pronounce them all can you?

I’m scared of lawyers because they can make me do things, so I am using mind tricks that you cannot understand, in order to make you afraid of retaining the services of an attorney, because that would be an inconvenient for me, even though I am smarter than a lawyers, since I could have been a lawyer. I can outwit your lawyer, but don’t get one! I shall be the decider if you are not a bitch.

[Note, I Googled something about delusional paranoia, which I know a lot about first-hand; there are big words in the articles, all of which I can pronounce. You cannot, therefore I am correct!]

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Miss Sunshine

Oh Miss Sunshine, best interpretation ever! Sadly, very accurate. What we are dealing with is personality disordered people who are master manipulators using mind-fuck as a trauma weapon.

Mighty Sparrow
Mighty Sparrow
8 years ago

Dear Survivor, and ultimately, Kay —

Mr. Pharmacist has a Draco Malfoy potion pushing complex. Beware!
(Harry Potter reference there)

He “diagnosed” schizotypal disorder?
That means he would have “prescribed” an anti-psychotic or tranquilizer?
This is what needs to be reported. Was it documented? How did you find out he had done this? Is he still in physical proximity? Nil by mouth! Do not take any meds in capsule form. Identify tablets via online reference photos.

Really everything he has said is about himself. Dr. Draconian is the only one here dispensing punishments. He is dangerously stupid to self-congratulate his malpractice in a threatening email to you.

In ‘Harry Potter’, Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater. I believe your Draco Malpharmacist wants you to take him down.

Please take this issue to wise counsel.
Please cloak yourselves as Grey Rocks.
May The Force Be With You!

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago

I would advise Gavin DeBecker’s The Gift Of Fear. When you are dealing with someone this disordered and delusional, I think one cannot be too careful. This guy sounds dangerous, please don’t take any chances. Document, document, document. Get in touch with the local domestic violence organization. Please understand that these narcissistic nut jobs can be utterly ruthless in their quest to win at any cost. Yes, they are cowards, but it is impossible to tell the moment they cross that line into narcissistic rageful insanity and become willing to do the unthinkable to win. Past a certain point, they just don’t care about the consequences.

Please stay safe.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Yeah. ‘The Gift of Fear’ is one of the books I would HIGHLY recommend reading. It has lots of practical advice for deranged nutjobs who mean you real harm.

ChumpB
ChumpB
8 years ago
Reply to  Lania

I love the “The Gift of Fear”; great book. I am also a new fan of an older book called “Women who Run with the Wolves.” Very empowering, helps to heal our soul injuries by not initially seeing what was behind the closed doors of the Narc disordered (spackling). This book has been life-changing for me and resonates deeply with not only what happened to me, but how to turn things around by acknowledging our birthright: intuition. For example, the day I married my Narc, we got into a fight at the courthouse and looking back I believe my vulnerable soul was knocking on the door of my psyche trying to give me a message, but unfortunately, I spackled it away. This book is helping me to get back to my real self. I think it is a must read.

Jen
Jen
8 years ago

I’m normally just a lurking chump but I have to give my opinion. Please make sure your friend has good personal security measures in place. This guy definitely has a personality disorder along with a huge need for control. In a divorce, he is losing that control and this causes some men like him to do violence. He sounds like a sociopath. Even if he has NEVER lifted a finger toward you, please consider that it’s a possibility and act accordingly. Don’t let him in your house. If there is some compelling reason he must be in your house, have several people with you. Keep your doors secure with new locks. Don’t meet him alone, anywhere, under any circumstances. When you leave and enter your home and workplace, keep a watchful eye of your surroundings. Consider getting a restraining order; use that email for justification. I have indirect experience with this type of man and he murdered a wonderful woman and devastated everyone who cared for her. That email sounded eerily like him……..

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer
8 years ago

There is a lot of good advice here, but it bares repeating, document document document, maintain no contact, beef up security and tell everyone you know, share his emails and text messages so he knows everyone knows. Never doubt how evil these son of a bitches can be or how long they will carry a grudge. i am sure the only reason i am alive is because i spoke out and he knows damn well he would be the first person on the suspect list if something happened to me., I told him as much when we split. i have told my whole family that if something happens to me, mysterious mechanical failure on my vehicle, freak explosion, suicide…. look no further than james.
It sounds to me like he is scared and nothing worse than a psychopath who is afraid he is going to lose money or be exposed for what he is.
i have a free download on my website(ladywithatruck.com) for a safety plan, things you can do to stay safe when leaving a narcissist, there are some good basic easy to do things that will increase your safety. It has been 5 years and my ex still haunts me.
judges love documents, proof, hard evidence, pictures, letters, emails, the narcissist can say anything he wants but the judge will look at hard evidence. he is trying to intimidate and he is panicking, don’t succumb to the threats, use them against him. let him nail himself to the cross, but watch your back.
Good luck!!

chumpaloney
chumpaloney
8 years ago
Reply to  Carrie Reimer

I love your web page Carrie! and I totally admire your spirit…It is YOUR page that inspired me to be able to leave with nothing…no clothes, car, job…I admire your spirit…and am so thankful I found you! CL is the best therapy I have ever had…Lady with a Truck? the best inspiration!

Carrie Reimer
Carrie Reimer
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpaloney

Chumpaloney, thank you for letting me know, that means more than you can know! I hope life is getting better and better! HUgs

Let go
Let go
8 years ago
Reply to  Carrie Reimer

Carrie, can you link that Interview on The Sociopath Next Door here so that people actually get an idea of why trying to change/understand a person who is sociopathic is futile? Thanks.

SphinxMoth
SphinxMoth
8 years ago
Reply to  Let go

“The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout is my Bible. When I start feeling even a twinge of regret or doubt about XH (or anyone else I cut off at the knees for showing these signs/symptoms)—-I reach for that book.

A guy I briefly dated is “Poor Luke”. Get the book.

Have a plan, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE WITH. Doesn’t matter if you are “happily married to a former chump” or single or whatever. Everybody needs to be aware of their surroundings, what is going on and what to do if something goes sideways. ALWAYS.

This isn’t just an abusive spouse thing. This is a LIFE thing. You always hear people say at a crime scene or accident—“I never saw it coming” or “Where did that come from”—when all it might have taken was a few minutes to scope out the area or plan a little differently. Like, who the hell goes jogging at 3 a.m.? Be reasonable folks. Just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Just because it smacks you as “unfair” and “constricting”—do you want the alternative to being just a little more cautious?

Sorry. Here comes another rant….gonna sign off now. :/

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
8 years ago
Reply to  SphinxMoth

The thing that drives me crazy is people jogging with headphones or earbuds in. Might as well hang an “I’m not paying attention to my surroundings” sign around your neck. People who are alert and aware of what goes on around them are far less likely to be victims. Can’t act on red flags if we refuse to see them.

Kimberly
Kimberly
8 years ago

Wow – that’s just plain scary.

juliet
juliet
8 years ago

Any judge worth his salt we see right through these ramblings of someone who has lost control of the situation and is panicking.

My exH stood in the hallway of our house after reading the divorce papers he had been served with and yelled “I won’t let you divorce me !!!” at the top of his voice. When I calmly said “I can and I will.” he ran out of the house slamming the front door so hard that I thought all the glass would fall out.

The lady should pass this to the lawyer/solicitor and let them deal with it – and it goes without saying she should take all necessary steps to keep herself safe.

juliet
juliet
8 years ago
Reply to  juliet

sorry – line 1 after “salt” – “will” not “we”. !

Not Juliet
Not Juliet
8 years ago

I’m not sure, but tampering with prescriptions sounds like a felony in itself. Was he ever reported?

Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
Dr. I Can't Believe I'm a Chump
8 years ago

We really need to have someone do dramatic readings of these letters.

Tell your sister to get out. Quickly. Just get out.

TheMuse
TheMuse
8 years ago

this creepiness hits home. the night of d-day my cheater tried to force me to take some of my prescription valium that were prescribed for a medical condition. looking back, i am so glad that i refused. that is just so wrong on so many levels… i was righteously angry at him because i had trusted him implicitly for sixteen years… he turned on me that night and then tried to drug me? i am very scared for Kay. Kay, if you are reading everyone’s messages here, please please, get away from this scary dude asap.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago

My EX wrote emails of exactly this sort (complete with esoteric vocabulary, email attachments about medical studies, and insults to my intelligence and character). I saved them and gave my lawyer copies. Once my lawyer was managing the negotiations, he shifted to writing her emails threatening to have her disbarred, quoting from various statutes to show how he would decimate her professionally, etc.

Everyone I spoke to suggested I never see him alone. I took a family member with me to court; I had a friend with me at child pick-ups when I couldn’t do them in a public place; and I had a phone recording our interactions when I had to get the kids alone. I spoke with my neighbors, and they knew that I wanted them to call the police first and ask questions later at any time his car was in my driveway, and they heard him raise his voice. (He wasn’t allowed in the house either, for obvious reasons.) Or if they had ANY concerns. I had to alert my employer as well. Sometimes people are reluctant to make scenes or call the police because they don’t want to make trouble unnecessarily. I let those around me know that if they were uncomfortable with anything they saw, then it was time to call for help. I feared being alarmist and melodramatic and making my private matters public, but as a friend told me, he knew this about me and leveled his threats accordingly.

It was all stressful and tedious, but the only way out is through. Please tell your family member to rally her troops.

My EX intermittently continued to engage in this kind of harassment for about 2 years after all property and custody issues were settled. The third and fourth year out have been much better, but there have been flares of misbehavior. This kind of crazy is not an act; it is who the person is or has become, and it is exactly why your family member needs courts, law enforcement, and third party help.

Most people who write crap of this sort won’t shift to physical violence, but a few will, and the time for giving him the benefit of the doubt is over.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Most people don’t break many laws by drugging you and put their career and freedom at risk.

Serious mal-wiring issues are involved with this creeptacular asshole.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  TimeHeals

I agree, but that information about the drugging is in the notes from CL not the documents that this disordered Jackass has sent his abuse victim. My own experience with legal people of various stripes is that they dismiss undocumented claims, not because they necessarily disbelieve them, but because they can’t often be prosecuted or used in court. And, of course, some people just think you are elaborating when you tell them about the unverifiables.

not Juliet
not Juliet
8 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

If it happened there would be pharmacy records, a prescription with no order from the doc.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
8 years ago
Reply to  not Juliet

One would hope, but as a pharmacist it seems possible that he could also finagle and falsify things pretty easily. Remember one of the mantras, “If his mouth is moving, he’s lying.” She’d explain he was drugging her. He’d say it never happened. There would be no order from the doc and no pharmacy record either. And he or his lawyer would just claim she was delusional or viciously trying to ruin his reputation. If she has the bottle from the medication, she should certainly keep it, and if she can get him on tape talking about how he’s medicated her, that would be great! My lawyer advised me to stick to the documented abuse or misbehavior–proving the other ones would just be a sink hole for time and cash. The fact that he “gave” me documented abuses was a gift, of sorts.

But then since he is the sort of person who brags he can get another person fired, he may well be too arrogant to realize he can be fired too, so he may have left plenty of evidence, and if so, it should go straight to the police, the lawyer, and any employer.

DoneNow
DoneNow
8 years ago

Hi Kay,
I’m sorry. Projection is such a hard thing to deal with. It’s especially hard if you’ve been subjected to it for years, and started to buy into it. My angry Ex with repeatedly diagnosed anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses claims I have an anxiety disorder and anger issues. It’s scary the way they use exactly what they feel to describe your behavior. It is absolutely crazy making. I hope you have an excellent support team to keep you on track.

As everyone else has said, I hope you will protect yourself. This guy has an extra layer of nutty badness. Stay strong!

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago

Sweet Jesus, please have your family member save this email and make sure her lawyer gets a copy. He’s delusional to believe anyone would read that and not see the undertone (or blatant overtone) of threats, aggression and oppression. What a sick monster.

I’ll admit that his ramblings, although more “eloquent”, remind me of my ex, Gollum. The projection was always Gollums favorite tactic. It’s so fascinatingly crazy to see someone write out projection in plain sight like in this letter…it displays their delusion so perfectly.

TheBetterJamie
TheBetterJamie
8 years ago
Reply to  TheBetterJamie

Gollum also made threats to sue, take to court, contact their boss & have fired every person that he viewed as a threat to expose him or that got in his way; therapists, my friends, my father, clients & employees from his work that he thought might’ve been blowing his cover….what a nut…most people don’t care enough to expose that you’re looney in the first place. But one therapist told me, upon him no showing for our couples appointment, that his actions prove where he is and he went nuts over that. Lol. Like that was a big mystery? He said he’d report her and have her stripped of her license for making slanderous comments about him. Hahaha.

Lastly, when I read things like this I realize how much more extreme my situation was than I realized. It was so normal for him to be crazy and I guess it became my normal, too. That’s so scary to think.

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
8 years ago

Why isn’t he in prison yet? Heck, what does it take? And please tell me he is no longer practicing pharmacology.

Grace
Grace
8 years ago

So true the mask has really slipped off.To think you loved somebody so much and they truly couldn’t love you back the same way.Cheaters are spiteful ,controlling,lack empathy,lie and are bullies.Not to mention sick in the head.They can never give you anything meaningful in life.They are fake.This letter just proves this.I hope your sis follows though with the divorce.Her stbxh is a nut job.

Lulu
Lulu
8 years ago

I’m going to echo the many others on here who say that your friend should report him drugging her to the police as well as the state licensing board for pharmacists. This man is a danger not just to her, but to society.

chumpaloney
chumpaloney
8 years ago

I, too, have one of the nutcakes…I have a protection order…actually, I have had 4 in the last 5 years…it is the reason I went back, the police refused to arrest him for violation…keep your friends close and your enemies closer, mentality….they don’t stop…they just get worse…I was so isolated the first 3 times and was terrorized by him and his family…the 4th time, I got on the news and told my story…I exposed him to the Sheriff Victim Witness program…and now? had him arrested for throwing me out of vehicle…it takes a while…but EXPOSE HIM! to anyone and everyone that may be able to help you…and go NO CONTACT…it is easy to be lackadaisical…you still, after knowing his games and abuse…don’t believe anyone could be that bad…I have been there…it is because YOU are NOT a nut! We can’t comprehend what these psycho people are capable of…

My cheating, lying, abuser almost killed me…SAID he was going to kill me…this is only the tip of the iceberg…he WILL get worse when he gets the fact that you are serious…and his usual tactics don’t work any more…

File a police report…keep family and friends close…and get a protection order…

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpaloney

You are so right Chumpaloney, when we love someone we make excuses, we think they won’t really hurt us even when our intuition is screaming we want believe at core they won’t harm us, until they do. I always say, “don’t be me, listen to your gut, remember your dreams, act on the fear, it’s real”. I’m glad you made it out, Jedi hugs!

chumpaloney
chumpaloney
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Datdamwuf…yes…even in light of all…your mind cannot accept evil if you are a kind, loving, giving person…it just doesn’t register…The Gift of Fear was given to me by a Victim’s Witness Advocate…she recognized what I was up against…the book is worth it’s weight in gold…your hugs brought tears to my eyes…most of the folks that hear my story, don’t believe me…how could this kind, loving husband possibly do anything like that? I must be the crazy one…I am making it all up… I can show them pictures of my mutilated face and body…the texts he sent admitting it…”Google” him! I tell them…but no…disbelief…and then I am ostracized and ignored…

Chump Nation is the best therapy I have ever had.. worth more than gold…those Jedi hugs were physically felt…THANK YOU! Thank you for them…and the validation…I needed them so bad…

Tessie
Tessie
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpaloney

Chumpaloney, I really get what you are saying, being a crime victim carries with it all sorts of tough baggage. Been there, done that. More hugs to you Sweetie.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
8 years ago
Reply to  chumpaloney

Come on the forums, you’ll find plenty of support there, and you will find peeps again, it’s hard to rebuild and find new friends but it will happen. I wishThe Gift of Fear was required reading in school at about 7th grade, it would save so many people a world of hurt. I’ve read it twice, also the Lundy book Why Does He Do That.

Lania
Lania
8 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Problem is though, with the true sociopaths in life, at that age they would read that book and then proceed to find ways to ‘refine their craft’ – so it makes them even worse.

not Juliet
not Juliet
8 years ago

These dipwads’ favorite thing to do is shift the conversation from their whoring to your “craziness”. Ex asshole never failed to do this.

Chumpion
Chumpion
8 years ago

I don’t think I’ve ever read a communication like that, within 4 WORDS I was ready to choke this pompous thing that pretends to be human. What is that Jerry MacGuire romantic quote? “You had me at hello”? With this one, you had me at “I am going to define a word to you that you already know the meaning of because I simply vomit out words”

TimeHeals
TimeHeals
8 years ago
Reply to  Chumpion

It’s just manipulative BS. The guy belongs in prison if he illegally drugged his wife in his effort to control her and make her more “compliant”.

That’s some serious shit.

He’s calling her draconian? Heck, the fact that he’s free to write letters from anywhere but a state prison is proof not enough has been done to hold him accountable.

He minimizes his cheating, he says drugging her “is beyond fault”? Report this freak.

Freeatlast
Freeatlast
8 years ago

Holy Shit Balls !!! This guy is at least 50 shades of fucked up !!! He sounds delusional and scary. He drugged her. Get that PO NOW!

Side Note: I love it when these intellectual creeps think they are so smart, yet can’t even put together a coherent sentence. My X is like this too. So smart, so intelligent, but really dumb as a box of rocks, underestimating everyone, especially his chump. Ha ha ha

Kelly
Kelly
8 years ago

Psychotic break, anyone? Seriously. And he can’t decide if she is crazily suspicious or if she really IS violating his rights by checking with the killer squirrels in the traffic department. I would not want this man around my Crestor let alone anything stronger….

Portia
Portia
8 years ago

This is a prime example of verbal abuse — actually it reminds me of my father. One of the many strange things about our relationship was that I did admire him for getting out of a terrible, poor family with no education, and sticking it out to get a fairly decent one, becoming a teacher — but he could never quite make it in the socialization part of the change. He would abuse his education with displays like this, and always acted like he was superior in every way. It was simply an “unfortunate” circumstance that his wife (who also came from a poor background, and went on to educated herself and become a teacher) just never did make the same brilliant intellectual jumps dad did. Even though she made better grades, and kept pace with him while she worked and went to school, and delivered and raised 5 children and kept the house and kept everyone fed and laundered. He was just so much more brilliant than everyone else. Smarter than doctors, and lawyers and other teachers, by far. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound — oops, sorry, that was someone else.

Of course, all five children were a source of disappointment as well. Even though all 5 finished at least 2 years of college and other training, 4 of the 5 finished a bachelors, and 2 of the five went on to finish masters degrees plus. We were just not worth consideration — actually could never make a good decision and were just too stubborn to follow his excellent ideas regarding our careers, our educations, our choice of friends, our politics, In fact, you name it and we ALL did it wrong! So discouraging to have his brilliance and expertise just wasted — much like throwing pearls before swine (one of his favorite sayings. )

There were many times I wondered about his capacity for actual violence. I was really worried when my mother finally did divorce him, after 40 years of that kind of abuse. But she did and we all have moved on with our lives, my siblings and I just content to wallow in our mediocrity. Away from his observations. I wonder sometimes if he will be able to cough up a simple statement like “I love you because you are my child, and I am proud of you, just as you are.” I think not, I don’t believe he even realizes how important those words would be, even if they were uttered from his death bed and produced because of his fear of dying. I stopped believing he could change years ago — but I am not sure all my siblings have made it to the place I have, and so I hope he will say the words, even if he chokes on the lie as he utters it.

This kind of person is malignant. The only way to deal with them is to get away from them. Time and distance help to mitigate the bitter memories, but there is nothing to be done about the scars that are left behind. Survival is success after you have been exposed to this — any other material gains have really already been bought and paid for, and I think most would agree that the price paid in damage to your psyche is way too high.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago
Reply to  Portia

Portia-
yes, little words go a long way. I have a stbx m-i-l who is an absolutely horrible person. I often pray that in her next life, she will be a decent person. Anyway – her grandchildren hate her. She favors one particular grand-child (my dead (from addiction) brother-in-laws child) so obviously and it is pathetic – all the other grandchildren see it and it is absolutely astonishing. I could give a million stories and examples of what that woman has done to her grandchildren. Anyway….. my 18-year old daughter and I speak of her grandmother often and what a horrible person she is. It’s funny in a way, but very sad for my kids – and the other grandchildren. I said to my daughter one day “Geez – I hope you and your dad don’t get together like we do and bash my mother the way we bash his mother.” My daughter said NO WAY – she said “my other grandma (my mother) is great. Everytime I see or talk to her she tells me she loves me. My other grandma has NEVER told me she loves me.” Yep – I beleive that. I think that may be partly why my stbx is so heartless – he was never told he was loved…. Something so simple as “I love you” goes a long way….

LittleLady
LittleLady
8 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

After WWII, some people did studies on the differences between those who resisted Hitler & those who aided him. The ONLY common denominator that these psychologists found was: the good helpers felt loved as children. Food for thought.

Resa
Resa
8 years ago

Oh my gosh! This translation has me laughing in tears! When the UBT got to the “covert squirrels” I may or may not have had to cross my legs … tightly.

marci
marci
8 years ago

Just never ever doubt that a Cheater will go to any length to obliterate you. I have told this story here in the past.

My cheating Ex DID poison me with powdered paint mixed into curry sauce. He did it gradually, they figure over several weeks, until I began to show fairly severe symptoms. The OW was putting pressure on him to leave me, and I (and the police) believe she was complicit in the poisoning plan.

Fortunately one of his colleagues at the time outed the affair to me and I dumped him and changed the locks. After a few days my health began to improve and it was only then that I went for blood tests. Lead levels were high and pointed to deliberate poisonong.

I can only think it was for the insurance money. I would have likely not survived if that colleague had not talked. Cops did a number on the Ex.

I’m just saying to you…when a guy shows you his evil side, take it VERY seriously and act to protect yourself.

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
8 years ago
Reply to  marci

Marci, I’m so glad he’s evil plan was foiled. Your story is terrifying and you are so strong to have gotten yourself out of it! Thanks for sharing

chumpaloney
chumpaloney
8 years ago
Reply to  NoMoreNarcs

MARCI!…OH SO FREAKIN’ GLAD YOU ARE ALRIGHT! After going thru years of abuse…you would think nothing would shock me….yes..I am still shocked.. at the lengths a psycho will go to hurt you…wish I could hug you right now!

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
8 years ago

I hope his ass and her ass is in prison for attempted murder!!!!! Thankfully you are ok. Wow – I really didn’t think that happened in ‘true’ life!