UBT: “The explanations were never good enough.”
Hey, it’s UBT narcissistic rage week here at Chump Lady! We seem to be getting a spate of UBT submissions in the dumped-cheater-feels-hard-done-by category. The poor sausages.
Yesterday, I got this letter from a chump whose cheating ex (surprise) is not a fan of Chump Lady. I found it so toddler-in-a-fit-of-pique-esque that I asked to UBT it.
Dear Chump Lady
I recently dumped my cheating husband. I told him about your amazing book and gave him a copy. I also told him that you are smartest person on the planet because, not only were you a Watson fellow (like my daughter), but after buying and reading every “adultery” book on Amazon, your book was the only one that made any sense and actually helped me. Here is his reply:
“Throughout it all I have tried to make amends. I have examined what I did, and admitted that I was horribly wrong. My words fell on deaf ears. I tried to explain, but the explanations were never good enough. Meanwhile, you gave your version of the truth to your shrinks, who of course had to believe you—and so they affirmed your interpretation of the ‘truth,’ and concluded that I am a bad apple. Finally, one of your shrinks introduced you to the Chump/Chink/Crank/Chimp/Chunk, a bitter woman who stupidly married (twice!) deceitful men. After receiving the consequences for such stupidity, She wrote a book designed to condemn all adulterers—without regard to the circumstances. She is largely correct—but her extreme bitterness leaks through, and she slanders otherwise good people. Nothing, but nothing in this world is as absolute as she makes them out to be. The only absolute that I can say about the book is that the author is a cunning, mistaken, foul-mouthed, conniving, bitter, vicious bitch. I don’t give a shit that she was a Watson fellow. Being smart and accomplished has nothing to do with being a nice person.”
I thought you would get a hoot from his rant.
Suzy
P.S. My cheater tells me that you are also lesbian. Be sure to tell your husband!
Dear Suzy,
Calling me a lesbian is not an insult, as I find the lesbians I know to be very pleasant. It’s simply inaccurate. Tell your husband I think he’s a nice piece of buttered toast.
Now to UBT his rant.
Throughout it all I have tried to make amends. I have examined what I did, and admitted that I was horribly wrong.
This is HUGE, having to admit that cheating was wrong. And that I cheated, and so ergo I might be wrong. As in mistaken. Like when you try to solve the puzzle on Wheel of Fortune but you choose the wrong vowel? Like that. Horribly wrong!
My words fell on deaf ears.
I humiliate myself by admitting a mistake, an imperfection, a speck of lint on my otherwise unassailable suit of narcissism, and YOU DON’T CARE!
I tried to explain, but the explanations were never good enough.
UBT: Because there are no explanations for cheating. Every “explanation” is just a rationalization or excuse or attempt to blameshift and mindfuck.
They’re not “good enough” because they’re beside the point. They’re not actions.
Which, now that you mention it, the UBT notices you failed to apologize.
Meanwhile, you gave your version of the truth to your shrinks, who of course had to believe you
There is no truth, only “versions” of the truth. The truth is situational. Your truth is that I cheated on you. Well, that’s one version. If you would’ve listened to any of my handy explanations, you would’ve understood MY truth (which is that you drove me to it).
—and so they affirmed your interpretation of the ‘truth,’
YEAH. Air quotes, baby! “Truth”! Only in your version of the “truth” am I horribly wrong. But in MY version of the truth, I am splendid!
and concluded that I am a bad apple.
I hate shrinks. They’re so judge-y. They fail to consider explanations.
Finally, one of your shrinks introduced you to the Chump/Chink/Crank/Chimp/Chunk,
UBT is flummoxed. This must be some text equivalent of flying spittle.
Does the cheater think Chump Lady is an Asian primate? Racial slurs generally only pertain to humans. The cheater will be gratified to learn that Chump Lady is a Methodist of WASPy Midwestern extraction and not Chinese. Cranky? Occasionally. Chump? Recovering. Chunk? Well, I am quite solid, thank you.
a bitter woman who stupidly married (twice!) deceitful men. After receiving the consequences for such stupidity,
UBT: So your greatest insult is that Chump Lady was stupid enough to marry men Just Like You?
She wrote a book designed to condemn all adulterers—without regard to the circumstances.
Because sometimes there is a very good explanation for cheating! Under some circumstances, cheating is perfectly okay. If I said it was “horribly wrong” earlier, well, I didn’t mean always wrong.
By condemning adulterers, Chump Lady argues to leave them. Death by kibble cut-off! The injustice!
She is largely correct
You’ll notice I don’t take issue with a single substantive argument Chump Lady has made, I just insult her.
—but her extreme bitterness leaks through,
UBT: Ah, the bitter card. Bitter is kind of cheater spackle. Chumps say something you don’t want to hear? BITTER! That will cover it up!
The beloved writer and humorist Nora Ephron was recently called “unrelentingly bitter” for writing Heartburn. Chump Lady is flattered to be in such good, embittered company.
and she slanders otherwise good people.
UBT: It’s not slander if it’s true.
Nothing, but nothing in this world is as absolute as she makes them out to be.
Cheating is wrong? That’s an ABSOLUTE. We can’t make these kind of black and white arguments and be taken seriously as a gifted intellectual. We need fuzzy, moral ambiguity and word salad! Obfuscation! I hate clarity and imperative sentence structure! DAMN Chump Lady! Damn her!
The only absolute that I can say about the book is that the author is a cunning, mistaken, foul-mouthed, conniving, bitter, vicious bitch. I don’t give a shit that she was a Watson fellow.
UBT: Chump Lady is not a credit to Thomas J. Watson and his fellowship.
If Chump Lady could do her fellowship over again, she’d travel to southern Africa and study mistaken, foul-mouthed, conniving, bitter, vicious bitches. My guess is they’re probably running the place.
Being smart and accomplished has nothing to do with being a nice person.
UBT: Ain’t that the truth? Being a nice person has everything to do with character.
I love how there is always one tiny little nugget of truth spewed out when a lying ass goes on a rant
“She is largely correct”
Of course she is 🙂
BTW, Tom Watson, recently, shot a sub par round in the Masters. Oldest competitor to have ever done so.
So, if CL, is a buddy of Tom Watson, she is okay with me (Well, there are rumors that Tom was messing with the wife of another pro, coincidentally , Dennis Watson from South Africa, before her divorce and marriage to Tom. So, maybe you should dissociate yourself from him, CL, until I clear this up.)
Tom Watson appears to have traded his wife for one much younger. Greg Norman, don’t get me started on him and Chris Evert. Then Tiger. I don’t like golf anymore.
Oh fuck, Norman. NPD to the max. Andy Mill was his friend. Evert is a piece of shit, too.
You left out Arnold Palmer and Phil Michelson. But I love LOVE how tiger has deterioted and become nolo contender after cheating on Elin.
Phil? A cheater? So disappointed.
The Watson is after his father, I believe. I met the junior one at the end of the year get together at his summer home in Maine. Nice person as I recall. But what did I know, I was 21 years old.
I like this Thomas J Watson, Sr. quote!
Follow the path of the unsafe, independent thinker. Expose your ideas to the danger of controversy. Speak your mind and fear less the label of ‘crackpot’ than the stigma of conformity.
Thomas J. Watson
Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/t/thomas_j_watson.html#hlUv2mo0piwzEm2t.99
Oh, and, if this is true about Watson, I feel he is a lesbian ( must ask him how things are in Beirut.)
Inconsistant word salad, full of contradictions.
This guy needs his ass handed to him. What a piece of hobo shit.
He “explained” what he did!!! Sheesh! He cheated, no further explaination necessary.
He hates the book because it was like reading his biography and it ain’t pretty.
Yes, he probably explained why he ‘had’ to have an affair. It was really the only solution to whatever was making him unhappy. Honesty, talking to his spouse, filing for divorce…nope, not options. Banging some strange was the only thing he could think of to solve his problems and whoops! Sorry people got hurt!
Explanation. when I need spell check it is on a coffee break
my X says things like, i just wanted things to go back to normal but i wont given him that, then sits and crys about his life and how sorry he is and how much he really does love me, i just laugh at this sad sausage game and next thing he wont talk about sorting the house out and ignores me cause his with the OW, although he still says his not seeing her 9 months later, the chump lady book saved my life and i have read it cover to cover at least once a week to re confirm that am doing good x
Saralou1972……that’s is exactly my story, word for word! Jeez Louise these cheater are all the same, entitled, selfish sausages. Thank goodness for CL or I would still be listening to his bullshit!
It’s like they all have the same little book and a secret code that only cheaters know about lol am amazed me how many of us on here have similar stories to tell, it’s unbelievable x
I am envious of CL; I have always wanted to be called a “cunning, mistaken, foul-mouthed, conniving, bitter, vicious bitch.”
Can we get that on a CL t-shirt? perhaps with a picture of the bunny?
Or how about a wine? A Cabernet? After all, they have “Skinny Bitch” and “Iconoclast” and “Three Sisters” wine. Why not “Cunning, Foul-Mouthed, Conniving, Bitter, Vicious Bitch” wine?
Tempest, I always knew you were my kind of a woman!! I, too, would like the T-shirt! An insult from some folks is actually a compliment. If they actually liked you, you should be afraid, very afraid!
I agree to adding vindictive and vengeful — don’t want to leave out important words like that!
We could wear it proudly — Once I was a Chump. Then I improved my lot in life and became a . . . “
Superwoman
Awesome!
You are embracing a (new?) more open sexuality.
See you at Oil Can Harry’s
i want a shirt too…… can I add vindictive, vengeful, and of course stupid.
My shirt would say “Wicked Bitch of the West,” I heard.
oh definitely add vindictive to the list…hah
and “emasculating”
Can we put ‘harsh, judgmental and self-righteous’???
Guys, you keep adding descriptors, the only size the t-shirt can be will be XXXL.
Kinda like our cheaters’ egos. Just sayin’.
I am a mere “heartless bitch.”
Ha ha…. when i get my Xhole REALLY pissed off he likes the “C” word…. and I don’t mean “cold hearted”. Last time he raged and spewed that one at me I did it right back to him….should have seen his face!!! LMAO… I doubt if he has ever been called that!! Priceless!!
“Cold hearted bitch”. We’re the words my daughter said her father called me.
The marketing possibilities are endless…
This Chump needs one of those T-Shirts.
To be honest, I think that the beer possibilities are better. After all, there’s already sour ale and extra strength bitter ale.
Ha! On the night my BIL took me out to advise me to divorce his sister, I got shit-faced on several pints of “Raging Bitch” beer! It is brewed by Flying Dog out of Fredrick, MD. Really good beer! But the next day, ouch!
ha ha. My cheating ex had a beer he liked that was called “Arrogant Bastard Ale.”
Mine liked the „Better Than Sex“ Ale
And then there’s “Toss Off” ale for the cheaters–both for what they do to their spouses, and ….. (look up British slang for the second meaning).
Yes Tempest! How about a “Bitter” Bitter for the beer/ale folks, and a “Big” red wine (like a Cabernet, Zinfandel, Chianti, Barolo, or Merlot) because of their high tongue-curling tannin content?
(I worked in a winery in my youth.)
Possible names? How about Bitter-With-A-Bite, Call me a Cab(ernet), Zen-fandel, Fava Bean Chianti, Bitchin’ Barolo, and Maven Merlot?
Boudica R–Fabulous! You are definitely in charge of Marketing if we ever get the Bitch beers/wines business up and running.
Haha! Mine too. I fucking introduced him to the brewer at a ‘beer meal’ dinner (stone brewery beers paired with food or cooked with the food.) what did the asshole do?? He took the fat-assed MOW from Orange Cty to the fucking Stone Brewery and THEN….took pictures of the tour and dinner and brews, carefully editing out the MOW, and shared them with me! Fucker.
Personally, I love me some Raging Bitch from Frederick MD. I’m not bitter. Just freaking pissed off…still.
i love the Marlot from Mad HOusewife!!! it is my favorite
I would happily lift a glass of “Raging Bitch” with you, ANC!
Ditto!
haha. I bought the “Arrogant Bastard” beer glasses and gave them to my STBX in his Christmas stocking as a thinly veiled insult. I don’t think he got it…
So, the REAL “explanation” as to why he cheated was because he was wearing his “beer goggles”?
Cheating’s on God’s top 10 don’t do list, in fact it’s kind of there twice. Don’t covet and don’t cheat. Funny how that works. God sees it as something more than just a slip up, or mistake…there’s even references in the bible to cheaters being condemned to hell. So I’m wondering, when you’re condemned to hell, is it all bets are off at that point? Kind of like the murderer who kills, then decides, well, I’m gonna get the chair, so why not go all the way and kill everyone I can? This guy must just want to double down on his abusive behaviors. Seriously, if you don’t care for CL’s book, just say, I agreed with some of it, but not all, and I just didn’t care for it.
He’s a nice guy, not a bad apple, but he gets to rant, rave, cover up, blame his wife for being honest with therapists (another cheater trick of course, only tell the therapists a few things, not the actual truth) and play the victim. No wonder she dumped his cheating a&&.
And really, is it a crime to be bitter anyhow? Not saying Tracy is, but c’mon, if some horrible injustice has befallen you, you would be bitter for a while. And the most bitter people I’ve ever met are cheaters. They can’t handle a single issue without running away or dodging truth and then they get furious because the world isn’t their oyster. Hey, bad stuff happens, and when it does, the Karma bus hits the cheater right where it hurts, their ego. The only good thing about him calling people bitter is at some point, when he’s hurting, his soon to be ex wife can look at him and say, “you sound so bitter.”
This is apropos Scott’s comment about cheating involving 2 of the 10 Commandments, Thou Shalt Not Covet and Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery. I would include Thou Shalt Not Lie. That’s 3.
Actually it is “not bear false witness” but I think that means don’t lie. And I would also consider “Thou Shall Have No Other Gods Before Me” as one that narcissists break every day.
I doubt too many cheaters are terribly worried about God’s top ten list. Most see themselves as God.
Lol! Oh Arnold…
When people used to ask me WHY I was divorcing my late husband, I told them that we are divorcing because of ‘religious differences’.
I then went on to say, “Late husband thought he was God. *I* didn’t agree”!
Excellent stuff ladies.
You’ll like this one, Arnold: What’s the difference between God and a narcissist?
God doesn’t think he’s a narcissist.
: )
LOL…great one Arnold…
“Cheating’s on God’s top 10 don’t do list, in fact it’s kind of there twice. Don’t covet and don’t cheat.”
This never caused an issue for my cheating ex, and he bases nearly his entire facade on being a “good Christian.” He simply “forgave himself” every time he banged another man in the gay bath house, and once he started banging married women as well, then he forgave himself because the real problem was that I am not Christian, and he needed a Christian woman to take to church.
Glad, you nailed it. One of the most frustrating things about being religious is seeing the narcissistic scum of the earth pervert faith for their own uses. These jesus cheaters are so great at telling everyone, “I broke the word of God, but God forgave me”. I call Bullshit. Seriously, what an arrogance to believe God stopped what he was doing and picked them out of the 5 billion plus suffering souls, blessed them, fixed them, forgave them, but conveniently washed his hands of their victims by allowing them to suffer horrors, anger, frustration, loss, and grief.
Right. God did that for them. *scoff* Don’t think so.
What God did was put a path in front of them, and they chose to swim in the sewer with the rest of the rats.
Then God looked at them and said, “Hey! Have a good swim.”
Amen! I think my STBX believes that God brought the OW into his life because she is his true love and they will be together forever. He made a choice that had nothing to do with God and everything to do with being selfish. Cheaters will say anything to justify their actions and help themselves sleep better at night.
My ex told me and others that God had brought the OW into his life in answer to his prayers that he no longer have gay urges. Um, yeah dude, whatever you say. No surprise, that OW is long gone from his life and he (as far as I can tell) is even gayer than ever, but still denying it. Oh well, no longer my monkey or my circus.
Yep, God is a convenience for them. They use Him when it works them. God is about real (agape) love and they are NEVER going to get this. It is the type of “Christian” that gives real Christians a bad name.
Yeah, my ex was pretty pissed off when I told the therapist the whole story, not just the sanitised version he was peddling. He was even more pissed when I told my friends (once I figured out I had nothing to be embarrassed about). Poor sausage really didn’t like me being honest with people.
It bugs me when cheater apologists use adultery being listed twice in the 10 commandments as proof that divorce is viewed as the socially acceptable path when in fact there IS societal pressure for the chump to examine their role, forgive, and reconcile.
I agree there is a lot of pressure on chumped spouses to make it work. Too much in fact. Whether it’s Dr. Phil, or the gaggle of websites promoting reconciliation, everyone seems to have a “rule” about when it is or isn’t acceptable to divorce. I thought the rule was if you cheat you broke your vow and you had to eat your consequences. Somehow that has turned into if your spouse cheats, you have to go to counseling, you have to forgive, you have to get over it, and then if your cheater spouse doesn’t stop cheating, then you regretfully should divorce. I tend to be optimistic about this stuff, so I say, when your spouse cheats, leave, go live life, rediscover yourself, and if you want to, find someone that has actual values and morals and not some sex starved maniac. If anything, state laws are too forgiving of the cheater and allow way too much leniency in the way cheaters are treated by the court. The court looks at divorce purely as division of assets in most cases. If you want to stop cheating, want to reduce divorce rates, then make divorce painful for the OFFENDER of the vows, not those that kept their vows. You beat your wife, you get nothing and pay for a long time. You cheat on your husband, you hit the streets with nothing but your new boyfriend. Simple stuff.
wise words, Scott 🙂
I agree with everything you say here Scott! I admire the courage and conviction of your words and wished more people would think this way. Like you, I wished our courts had higher standards for human beings.
I whole heartedly agree with Scott also. I divorced my cheater after giving him plenty of time to consider what he was doing and the consequences he would surely face if I divorced him! For some odd reason, he thought he was “in control” and he would be able to get the judge and lawyers to see he was being really generous to me! OMG, nothing could have been further from the truth! He would also invoke God in texts to the MOW, such as “God is guiding us”, “God is testing our love and patience.” Pure vomit worthy crap! Well, in the end if God was really in control then he found out how angry he was with these cheaters because he ended up losing nearly everything he had worked for all during our marriage. I guess God felt I needed it more than his new squeeze! A 60 year old fool who is now broke, but still heading towards that brick wall at warp speed! It’s actually funny to me because the HO has to support the old fart now!
Well, Scott, some cheaters can even weasel their way out from under God’s golden rules. See, my lifetime catholic ex couldn’t find a successful way around neglecting the commandments, they are pretty straight forward list, after all. They don’t leave much wiggle room. So he fashioned himself a new aged scientific type, after cheating, of course. He began questioning his catholic roots:
Yes, yes…those commandments are just so strict and unwavering….I think I’ll believe in a purely scientific existence now and exonerate myself from the sin that is infidelity by ceasing my belief in religion. That’ll surely get me off the hook. Of course I’ll still be present at mass for Christmas and Easter and other times where unpolished my image to be present. But outside of that church, I’m a science man.
That’s one way to get out of the guilt, I suppose. Quiet a balancing act. I figure if they want to live like there’s no consequences then they better be right.
Don’t feel bad Jamie, God’s quite a fan of science. I’m sure he’ll have a nice discussion with your cheating ex about that…
I’m Catholic, didn’t need to renounce my religion because of my ex, and wouldn’t do it anyhow. The sad thing is, all they need to do is confess the sin. The problem is, they don’t want to hear a priest tell them they’ve sinned against God and hurt their spouse horribly. It’s just more running from themselves and not wanting to hear they were wrong.
Just like everything else, the Narc is ______ when it serves them.
When graduating from a prestigious Catholic school looks good on his resume, he’s Catholic.
When planning a wedding and holding a grand Catholic Mass for his ceremony, he’s Catholic.
When it’s his year with our daughter for Easter and he can parade her around his childhood congregation, appearing like a devoted father with his priorities straight, he’s Catholic.
But when it comes to upholding his vows, being an honest man or confessing his sins….he’s void of all religious entrapments. Convenient.
They have no shame and hold nothing sacred.
Exactly TBJ.
Out of respect for him and his religion I really wanted his priest to participate as our wedding was at my church. And then he turns around and tells me he’s not really Catholic when he wants out.
Oh, and he hasn’t been to confession in years.
Oh, that was the first time in 25 years X went to confession! And then proudly told me about it, and how ashamed of his affair he was, with a little tear in his eye…
But he never gave her up, and now she was his friend! He still hung with her all the time, and brought her in our house while I was working. Yes, oh so sorry.
Mine just announced that he “wasn’t really a Catholic” right before he walked. Funny, he never mentioned it through all the meetings with his priest and church deacon we had before the wedding so that his priest would participate in the ceremony (I’m Protestant) or at all those masses where he genuflected and crossed himself and received holy communion. And I’m certain he’s still doing so whenever he attends mass. Hypocrite.
*I’ll polish my image
And
*quite a balancing act
Blah…autocorrect
OMG, yes! He’s such a pot! Calls wife out on being a liar (telling ‘truth’), calls CL foul-mouthed, calls CL bitter, calls her cunning and conniving and calls her out for not learning from the “consequences of her stupidity”. He so needs to look in the mirror.
I was thinking the same thing!
Pot, meet kettle.
It is said that cheaters project. And that rant is all full of it.
It is said that cheaters project….please explain. I’ve never heard that before, but it makes perfect sense!
Cheaters project like mad. My ex called me crazy and accused me of all sorts of stuff – most of which were really about him. I got to the point where if he started texting me crap about my ‘faults’ I’d simply answer ‘projection’ and cut off the texts for awhile.
I had my fair share of projections. I am not Sherlock Holmes, but I did finally figure out that in the worst way he was trying to persuade me to take responsibility for his inadequacies. The coward never admitted any mistakes, absolutely incapable to „man up“ and take responsibility for his shortcomings and mistakes. It drove me crazy seeing him doing shit and the next moment turning around and accusing me of it. Once I had figured the pattern out, I tried really hard not to validate any projection type behavior anymore, knowing there is no truth to what he was saying. I simply would look at him and waited. If one set of projection didn’t work, he would try another one, that was also about him and not me. Mind Blowing
But don’t forget, we project too! We think they have good hearts, that they’re decent people, that they have a conscience and feel guilt or shame about what they’ve done …..
The big difference, I guess, is that whether it’s us projecting, or them, the cheater usually comes out ahead. Sigh.
Verrrry good point!!
So true Karen. So true!
For our entire marriage, the ex would go on wild tangents and accuse me of cheating. It wasn’t every day, but if he got a wild hair up his ass, he’d go through all my stuff (including my purse which made me more mad than anything) my cell phone and once he even showed up where I worked and yelled at me like I was 12.
At first i just thought he was insecure but after while it started to bother me. He never found anything because there wasn’t anything to find.
The night I found out about his affair I instantly remembered all the times he accused me of cheating and I said as much to him the next day. Along the years a few (smart) people asked me if I thought he might be cheating because it was “a classic cheater move”. I never thought anything of it until that night.
So yeah, they project all their shitty behavior on you; including cheating I guess. Of course now I’m convinced he was probably cheating our entire marriage.
It happens to me ALL THE TIME! He is constantly accusing me of doing the exact thing that he is doing. And I’m not talking about anything abstract or subjective here. I’m talking actual, verifiable actions. Like taking the kids to school late. He does it and then accuses me, with sincerity, of doing it (when I haven’t). It’s so infuriating to be faced with that kind of insanity!
OMG JBaby! Don’t get me started! ‘The Great I Am’ is a black belt in projection – he could open his own dojo! All through our relationship (way before I D Day) he’d suddenly, out of nowhere it seemed, accuse me of all sorts of stuff I’d be thinking ‘where the hell did that come from’? ‘What in my behaviour or my words have ever led you to believe I would say, do, believe that thing you are accusing me of’? It drove me crazy! I’d heard about projection, had even observed it in the past, but never anything so blatantly mismatched with reality as the stuff that came out of his mouth! I totally agree with you – it was infuriating and absolutely crazy-making!
“OMG JBaby! Don’t get me started! ‘The Great I Am’ is a black belt in projection – he could open his own dojo!”
THIS!!!
All through the marriage, I would be accused of doing certain things or meaning certain things or having certain motivations (i.e., coming on to other men, being attracted to other men, being manipulative, etc.) which I knew were not true, and actually better described the behavior of Cheater McDogass (toward other women). I would frequently stop and consider how my behavior or something I said could cause him to think that way. If I felt something I had said or done could have been misinterpreted, I attempted not to say or do it again. He even commented on my clothing, so I began altering my style of dress. All of this was about him being a projecting, controlling, abusive flaming piece of shit from Satan’s hell hound.
I was flabbergasted when he recently accused me of “lacking empathy.” WTF Asshole! Really? Did you just catch a glimpse of your reflection somewhere?
I’m a big defender of “bitter” (as long as it’s not eating the chump up inside). As NWB points out, rage is a proper response to injustice. Hey, in the face of cruelty, do you want to lay down and dissolve into a puddle or go all Braveheart on the offenders?
Plus, lots of things that are good for you are bitter–broccoli, brussel sprouts, chicory, arugula, tonic water with gin (okay, the last one may not be good for you).
Let us not forget…. The one definitive reason for divorce in the bible is adultery. I have read that Jesus actually looked at adultery as being one or the worst of the top 10. Because it is a direct attack on LOVE! Me I would rather she put a bullet between my eyes than have a 4 year affair!
Yes David, I asked him: couldn’t you and OW just arranged to have me killed? [we lived in South Africa, easy and cheap to do] – it would have hurt less.
“i would rather” well I don’t know. I lived with a man imagining I loved him, he was the father of my children, I imagined him to be kind. He made me believe I was horrible. He killed my spirit. I would rather ….in the end….that I’d never met him. I can’t help but believe somehow we were destined, our kids are testiment to that. I would rather….he left when he knew he wS “bored and lonely”…..imagine all the boredom and lonliness that I would have been saved from. I would rather….he had died than gotten that 22 year old pregnant! There is no proof they are happy…..but I hope they aren’t…….and I actually am nearly ok!
DavidB, I would have preferred honesty. Then I could have had the option to move on with my life. Their selfishness won’t allow a level playing field. They enjoy their dirty game. I overlooked his limitations and tried my best to be supportive. Unfortunately for chumps who are loving and giving the character disordered cannot change. We become contortionist to their illogical thinking and behavior. What I know is they can’t love. Such simplicity and yet they pul it off for years. Let them rage on alone in their distorted reality. Better to leave them to their own destruction. We already took the bullet. The pain and suffering of the discard lessens over time.
Yes! Love. Destroying it is a terrible sin. It is what makes us human! Not having it makes our narcs sub-human. They look and act real, but they’re not. It’s all a show.
I agree. Had I still owned my guns, I would have beat her to the trigger, right between my eyes. The pain was that unbearable. I just wanted it to stop.
And Dante puts the betrayers in the ninth circle … The very pit if hell and furthest from God’s light. Betrayal kills the soul.
Oh no Tempest, we don’t go all Braveheart on people, that ends in a drawing and quartering. We go Jedi Ninja out this way!
Tempest – Gin is very good for you when drunk in moderation with tonic and a slice of lemon for extra bitterness…I will sip one tonight as I follow the UK general election as a toast to all my fellow chumps.
Mary–I’ll join you! You’ve reminded me that my British mother-in-law always had a lovely gin and tonic before dinner. (Wonderful woman, jackass for a son)
Scott, ‘This guy must just want to double down on his abusive behaviors.’ – this line has made me laugh so hard – laughing is such good medicine – thanks. We’ve got to laugh or we are going to cry.
adjective, bitterer, bitterest.
1.
having a harsh, disagreeably acrid taste, like that of aspirin, quinine, wormwood, or aloes.
2.
producing one of the four basic taste sensations; not sour, sweet, or salt.
3.
hard to bear; grievous; distressful:
a bitter sorrow.
4.
causing pain; piercing; stinging:
a bitter chill.
5.
characterized by intense antagonism or hostility:
bitter hatred.
6.
hard to admit or accept:
a bitter lesson.
7.
resentful or cynical:
bitter words.
Excellent, Magicrain! Chumps get 3, 4, and 6; cheaters do 5 & 7.
I am dismayed that shouting “Bitch” is this guy’s response for a difference of opinion. Or that you must be a lesbian because you are bitter, as if either is a bad thing.
Misogyny is another marker for these narcissists.
Not to mention misandry for the female ones.
Oh, I’m dying of laughter here! My poor tree-pollen soaked lungs may never recover.
And dontcha just kinda love how you manage to rile up these disordered folks so much that their masks slip? There is a certain satisfaction in that.
LOL! StrongerEveryday, your joyfulness is showing! I love that the disordered just don’t get it! And it’s funny to look back on all they did and know that we can move forward. Yeah, my heart still hurts but I am moving forward, bitter bitch that I am.
Wow, Drew–that feels like such a great compliment! Thank you. We bitter bitches need to stick together. 🙂
I’m joining this club! 😉
Yayyyyyy!! I’ll join as long as there is no hazing! lol And I love Gin and Tonics! Bitter Bitches Unite!!!
Add me to the bitter bitch club! My ex loved calling me that! I always told him, “you say that like its a bad thing, you bet I’m a bitch and you’ll see just how smart this bitch is! ” he can call me whatever he pleases now, just don’t forget to pay me my alimony and half of your military retirement asshole!
chumped (though there are days when chomped feels appropriate too)
Oh and P.S., guess who is my bitch now? He’ll work for me till he falls into the grave!
Roberta: “Oh and P.S., guess who is my bitch now?”
lol! You are an inspiration to chomped people everywhere!
The Bitter Bitches Club. Gotta love it. Can I run for president? I promise gin and tonics at every meeting!
I think “Bitter Bitches” condenses it down to the essence (and will fit on a S or M t-shirt).
Her Blondeness-you have my vote for the presidency (but I’ll fight you for Spock).
I have always wanted to join a Bitter Bitch club. It is very daunting being a Bitter Bitch all by yourself. Having Bitter Bitch compatriots – as part of a club no less! – is a truly wonderful gift. I will bring food to enjoy with the drinks. 🙂
Bitter B(eing) I(n) T(otal) C(ontrol) of H(erself).
My T-shirt will have to be size xlarge, cause I’m Fat and Lazy, you know. My two main flaws, and only one of them is true. Course the person who told me that possesses both flaws himself. ..
You’ve got my vote!
The guy who wrote that letter? Asshole! The truth smacked him right in the balls! Bang, boom, out of the park. So just like my asshole line up the defense and hit the truth tellers hard as you can. Why? Cause they are right! And so is chump lady. This place has saved my sanity and helped make me stronger. Mine lied, cheated and left. His life is not good right now. ha!!! I would have felt so much better if he had simply respected me enough to tell the truth! But no! Hurting your wife of thirty years is so much more fun! The letter writer and people like him are low life scum their brains just ain’t right.
“Reverting to name-calling suggests you are defensive and therefore find my objections valid.” – Spock in Star Trek Into Darkness
i have to cut and paste that HM and make that my auto reply……loveeeeeeeeeee
<3 <3 there is no arguing with Spock – he is logical!
Love the Spock come back!
And, besides, Spock is my recreational crush, too.
“Being smart and accomplished has nothing to do with being a nice person.”
It’s hysterical for a lying cheater to talk about what it is to be nice.
Signed,
Pissed & Powerful Amazon Warrior With Bouts of Rage & Bitterness
ML–my heart sings that you are calling yourself a Powerful Amazon Warrior!
Yes, our ML is doing so well.
Mine too ML – Ah, life is GOOD today! 😀
xoxoxoxo!
And we should all aspire to be nice. Because ‘nice’ got us so far in our marriages with these D-bags.
“Nice”=eat the shit sandwich, and smile, bitch.
There is a huge difference between being “nice” and being KIND. There’s also a difference between being “nice” and being RESPECTFUL.
We can be a$$holes and still be kind and/or respectful.
Cheaters are neither.
There’s something I’ve noted about cheaters. Their consciences do ‘irritate’ them from time to time – I guess because they try to keep them suppressed. So they will tell truth – to soothe the conscience – but in a way that you won’t benefit from it. That truth will be followed by obfuscation, a lie, or an accusation. A cheater’s burden is not to tell the truth – it is to win at all costs.
This ‘truth-followed-by-lie’ dynamic was done twice in the letter.
(1) “I have examined what I did, and admitted that I was horribly wrong.” quickly followed by “My words fell on deaf ears. I tried to explain…”
(2) “[Chumplady] is largely correct” quickly followed by “…but her extreme bitterness leaks through…”
A cheater will dangle truth in front of a chump, like a carrot on a stick. The thing that makes us chumps is that we believe that truth will be followed by more truth (this is a healthy expectation, btw). In our heart of hearts, when we hear truth from a cheater, we hope that it will lead to more truth.
But alas… looking out for truth from a cheater is like looking through a front-loading washing machine for that small dark item of clothing that got mixed in with the whites by mistake. You’ll see it briefly… but it will quickly disappear. If you value your sanity, take out the ‘item’, or leave the washroom.
I don’t think it’s “conscience” at all; I think it’s that they are irritated by consequences so they cycle through a list of strategies, one of which resembles “truth” telling. If that doesn’t work, they go back to what they really think and start hurling the insults.
Cheaters hate it when confronted with being labeled. Following DDay I made the mistake of confronting him with the fact that my therapist said he was disordered and a narcissist. The rage that followed was unimaginable. When his mask came off everything finally fit. X didn’t have a conscience. His entire existence was based on entitlement. His BP mother always told him to do what made him happy regardless of the fall out. The lies are second nature and I never knew he gained pleasure in telling me the details of his cheating until the final discard. He left phone numbers, names, hotel receipts over the previous year, poems, and gifts in full view for me to find. He took pleasure in bragging about his girlfriends and how much he ENJOYED picking up women. He was meeting up with women on craigs list and getting hotel rooms weekly for years. And all if this was summed up in typical narc style–I didn’t give him affection. Yes he’s a psychopath. Bitter bitch, hell yeah.
I got that too…not affectionate enough.
Yep. Was awakened from a sound sleep and regaled with a detailed description of one guy’s physique. Fuck in sadist.
its the whole “trickle truth” thing….they tell you just a little of the truth to keep you holding on but it is NEVER the whole truth, or the absolute truth. usually whatever little truth they tell you is something you already found out or knew in the first place. so after the “fess up” to what you already knew as the truth, then they continue to lie to hide the shit you dont know or they twist the rest of it so you cant figure out what the fuck is going on.
Don’t you know those are “white lies”, not real lies. At least that’s what the liar told me.
Yes Tempest… cycling through strategies. I’ve seen this over and over. It was rather disorienting at first, but now that I realize what’s going on I can see the manipulation and lack of conscience.
“Conscience” may not be the right term. I do agree that truth-telling is used as part of the cheater’s arsenal – namely the “carrot-on-a-stick”/bait-and-switch tactic.
Okay, so either of the posts from the last two days could have been written by me in regards to my ex. This one too –> “Meanwhile, you gave your version of the truth to your shrinks, who of course had to believe you”
He told me that he ‘didn’t care what my shrink thought of course I only told her my side of the story…wasn’t honest’ etc. Meanwhile a year later (yes, you read that correctly, he stalked and harassed me for AN ENTIRE YEAR after we split (no marriage, no kids, just an asshole)) he told me the same thing: ‘my shrink thinks you are [FILLINTHEBLANK]’. So I’m supposed to believe he was honest with his shrink when he didn’t believe the same about mine??
Do as I say not as I do. That is their motto. Lucky for me I just walked out. I told him I’d call the cops on him if he ever contacted me again and that seems to have worked for the last 4 months. But I’ve got a killer DV counselor up my sleeve who will go ‘pitbull’ on him should he ever contact me again. This is how I am mighty (missed that post a few months back). 😀
exhole said that he wanted to “tell the kids” so that they got “both sides of the story”……is there another story about how you cheated, lied, betrayed, broke your vows and did not support the family?
to this day, i have NO IDEA what “his” side of the story could possibly be. he never did talk to the kids. i know he has “forgotten” or “rewrote” a lot of our history together. he even admitted to only thinking of the bad shit i did and purposely forgetting the good shit…..
it doesnt bother me anymore because the people he is telling HIS side of the story to, i dont care about and try not to associate with. and the people i do care what they think of me, do not talk to him. so it is all good.
HM, when my ex started threatening to kill himself I called his therapist because it scared me at the time. I didn’t realize it was a control tactic. After I talked to her, ex said he couldn’t see her anymore because she had talked to me and wasn’t trustworthy…you can’t make this shit up.
I married my first husband at 21 because he attempted suicide. Young chump I was.
The excuses they give will never make up for what they did. It seriously only makes it worse. According to my Stbxh I was sexless, boring, and only thought of our three young kids. Of course He needed to feel wanted and he was very lonely. Sounds good right? Makes sense that could be a serial cheater. I drove him to it!!
Never mind that if I was doing EVERYTHING! I worked, did all the dishes and laundry. Was nursing and potty training when the first affair with my best friend happened. I have never had any family around to help or his sorry ass either. I was exhausted!! He did nothing to help me. So his excuses above are so very fucking insulting!! Not to mention a very warped sense of “truth”.
Going into Mother’s Day weekend only 4 months from D Day the irony that he wants to take me to dinner with the kids. Impression management?? Also 3 years ago on the eve of Mother’s Day I found out that he hooked up with another mom from a fundraiser in the back of our car.
Here is the TRUTH… He was a shitty husband with or without the affairs. I was keeping our marriage together for the kids and for the hope that one day we could make it work because (silly me) I Believed in marriage! I made excuses for his behavior, his gambling, his laziness. Now that I know that he cheating too…I had to step out the fog and realize that I would rather be alone then live like this the rest of my life like this. Now how is that for the truth!!
Leolion. you just told my story too. change 3 kids to 5, change mothers day to thanksgiving and change gambling to alcoholic…..
he cheated on me before, i forgave him, in fact i washed it under the bridge, never brought it up, never threw it in his face, forgot it so well that it completely shocked me when it happened again. but that was the ONLY thing that he could have done to make me well…done. i could go thru that over and over. now i have no IDEA what he thinks the story is. i have no clue the reasons he was doing what he was doing, he was pushing me away all 2013, he hooked up with MOW around OCT. i would have stood by his side for everything else BUT the cheating.
the monster he became after the divorce, after he figured out i was NOT “fighting” for him was a man i never seen in all the 14 years we were together. the hate, the cruelty, the evilness….shocks me.
the truth is “he was a shitty husband…with or without the cheating” but it was the cheating that was the last straw. now i am FREE…..i have my TRUTH and i can live with myself. i feel like God was directing me to a better life. it all happened so fast, it all happened so out of my control, there MUST be a reason for it.
i am in a better place now
I’m pressing the ‘like’ button!!!! YEP Me too Leolion!!
That sounds like my STBX, his excuses to me were similar, I didn’t like sex, I did to much for the kids, I didn’t appreciate him, he hadn’t loved me in a long time, I didn’t make him feel like a big strong man, etc! Never mind that I did everything for the kids, ages 13,11,7 & 3, cooked, did laundry, house cleaning, usually on only a few hours of sleep because my 3 year old did not sleep and still doesn’t sleep very much. Never mind that I kept the kids quiet so he could rest and made excuses about why he couldn’t be at their events. Never mind that I worked two jobs several years ago, when my older kids were small, so he could go back to school full time, I never did anything for him. He cheated on me two years ago and told me he would never do it again, I took him back. He didn’t do anything to make me want to trust him again, he never wore his wedding ring again, never said he loved me, never said he appreciated me. Guess he was just biding his time with me till he found a much younger, better replacement, who is the best thing that ever happened to him, appreciates everything about him, loves everything about him, can’t wait to marry him, etc. Gag!
Let’ s keep it clean, Tempest.
It’s tough, Arnold, when you describe yourself as a Brad Pitt body-double earlier this week, and then force us to picture you in fishnet stockings & high heels. (bites hand)
Indeed. I sympathize.
tossedaway–He treats you that way and then wonders why you aren’t enthused about having sex with him. I hope someday you are ready to change your name here to MightyMotherof4.
I always wondered how he expected me to want sex with zero romance. Of course he is all romance all the time with his latest OW. It amazes me how cheaters will put so much effort into new relationships and just throw the old ones away. Assholes!
Same here tossed away. I got go get cleaned up for our sat night sex. Pried himself away from TV long enough for quickie then right back to TV. No romance no nothing. And ain’t it funny how he cleaned up really nice for ow. Everything I tried to encourage him to do for years. Bah! He’s not happy in his new life aw poor baby! Hardest part for me is how they throw away their own kids and sister ignores them unless its convenient for him but is all up in her family and her two daughters. So very very sad.
TossedAway, your life paralleled mine. There will never be another person that can replace you because you take responsibility for the important aspects of your life. You are loving and kind. You may not realize this now because of the painful discard, but you are strong. Put your energy into yourself and use your anger to make him pay. Believe he is an asshole and have minimal contact. I was strong when my children were young and he cheated. There was no one for me to turn to for support. I danced and danced, ate shit sandwiches, sparkled the fuck out if him and repeatedly reconciled. YOU DESERVE BETTER!!! Your experience touched me because here we are with Chump Nation and my biggest regret in life was wasting it on someone who never respected his family.
You will live better and your children will be better off without the disordered.
Thank you for your words of encouragement, Donna! I was mired in pain and self loathing when I found out about his latest affair. I stumbled onto CL’s blog and it has helped me so much. I am part of a large club of chumps, and although I didn’t want to be part of this club and would not wish the pain and humiliation on anyone else, it helps to know that I am not alone. Everyone here has helped me realize that I will be ok, my kids will be ok, and we do deserve better! I still have bad days, where I feel depressed and worthless, but they are definitely getting farther apart.
TossedAway, now you can redefine yourself. That pain comes and goes. And you are still taking care of your children and their emotional needs. Know this was not your fault. I needed medication for the depression and found a great therapist that understood narc relationships. The discard is unacceptable and cruel. Don’t doubt yourself. I had one friend that was very supportive. It’s been a year now and life is brighter without a cheater.
Sounds so familiar. Mine also said I was boring and sexless.. didn’t wear high heels, all of a sudden obsessed with his looks. All the signs are there. So funny how they use the same language.
I did wear high heels and the MFer still stepped out on me…repeatedly. It’s their nature.
I tried the heels , too. No luck. But, I got sort of used to them now. So, I got that going for me…
I’m sure you look fab in them, Arnold. Fishnets, too?
Only on Friidays during Lent.
@Tempest–but they can have fish(nets). 🙂
You do realize people are supposed to abstain from meat on Lenten Fridays?
I have Bruce Jenner’s tinder profile if you need it
Leolion – your story sounds very similar to mine. And yes a very ‘warped sense of “TRUTH”‘ is a very good description… And I too resinate with your statement “He was a shitty husband with or without the affairs.” My stbx is not only a cheater, a liar, and a theif, but an alcoholic as well. I have shielded my kids from many of their father’s ‘craziness,’ so they really don’t have a handle on the situation at hand. It is sad that my kids have such a loser for a father and they don’t see it …… YET!
“According to my Stbxh I was sexless, boring, and only thought of our three young kids. Of course He needed to feel wanted and he was very lonely. Sounds good right?”
THEN WHY THE F**K DIDN’T HE JUST L-E-A-V-E if you were so “bad” ???????????
I think my head just spun all the way around….
My daughter and I were talking the other day and she said to me, If Dad is so obsessed with the OW calling her twice a day almost every day why is he still here? Good question darling, but let me explain to you, despite me neglecting his precious needs so callously, he feels quite provided for and has a nice little nest made in our home. He sure is thriving on getting whipped cream on top of his cake from someone that is way too far away to be a realistic relationship. No real intimacy needed, no responsibility needed just pure joy and fantasy and some sexting here and there. Wow must be nice to be able to fool yourself and enjoy the little bonbons every day, or maybe he is smarter than I think he is and knows that they would never survive if they would share fucking responsibilities. Time for me to get my ducks lined up, I am almost there the last two ducks are heading into position. Swim little faster ducky, ducky, ducky…
I asked my serial cheating Ex why he didn’t just leave all those many years ago he was supposedly miserably unhappy and he said, “You needed me to take care of you! I couldn’t leave you!” but he could cheat on me with three different women. Reality was and is that HE needed ME to take care of HIM. He cannot support himself and that is why he lives with OW now. What a joke.
That’s always the question I come back to. If it was so bad, if the marriage had ‘been crumbling for years’ then why stick around? Oh, because he liked having side pieces and a dumbass at home who was clueless. No wonder my ex remains pissed. He lost his easy to handle wife and now has a young thing on his arm who keeps him on an extremely short leash.
I asked my STBX why he didn’t just leave if he was so unhappy with me, if I was so bad? Was he waiting for someone better to along’ waiting until I turmed 40, so I would feel even worse about myself? He just looked at me dumbfounded and said he didn’t know. When things get uncomfortable, that is his stock answer, I don’t know.
George Simon talks about the, “I don’t know” line in his books. In the covert aggressives it’s obfuscation. They know EXACTLY what they are doing. It’s another example of gaslighting behaviour
I want to scream every time I hear “I don’t know” or ” I don’t know what I want”!! Aaggghhh!!!! Well I did know what I wanted and still do. And i dont want him in my life in any form ever again. 58 years old in a 5 year old body. Unreal!
“The only good thing about him calling people bitter is at some point, when he’s hurting, his soon to be ex wife can look at him and say, “you sound so bitter.””
Scott, I was thinking the same thing as I was reading his–*ahem*–response. He sounds positively BITTER!
Project much, dude?
Every time I read/hear a cheater like this (and most of them ARE like this!), I keep thinking how THEY would respond if the shoe was on the other foot. In some cases, I’ve read that the cheater would smugly approach the situation ‘logically’…
…until it actually happens. Suddenly, in one fell swoop, all that ‘logic’ goes out the window.
If only we would ALL practice the Golden Rule…
“After receiving the consequences for such stupidity”
This one statement proves he has not amended that which is broken.
Poor fucker still believes someone can deserve such an intimate betrayal.
Chump Lady’s book and blog (though obviously not pro-reconciliation) offers the most sound advice out there for how truly remorseful cheaters (few though they may be in the wild) can try make amends to their spouse: Confess all, take polygraph, view reconciliation as a gift and not an entitlement, welcome scrutiny, sign a post-nup, and most importantly of all, STOP CHEATING!
What do all these things have in common: They are ACTIONS not WORDS.
I’m sure you figured this out already, Suzy, but judging by that letter, all your ex offered you were WORDS (or, more specifically, EXCUSES). You are very fortunate that you were able to find therapists that were actually interested in helping you, rather than raking in thousands of dollars over the course of many years while you slogged through false R with this asshole
Why do these losers always want to convince you they are “Good People”? Pretty is as pretty does, losers.
That’s my STBX. He just wants someone to think he’s a “good guy”…um, you cheated on your wife and ran out on your kids. Who in their right mind would think you were a “good guy?!?!”
Same here. My ex hates that his good guy image has been shattered and of course, this is all my fault because I actually had the nerve to tell people he was a serial cheater. Poor dude, how ever will he repair his reputation? By finding new chumps!
Oh if I had a nickel for every time I heard, “I’m not a bad person…” at the beginning of a sentence. Or the famous, “It wasn’t all bad (during the affair)”…to of course justify dating someone when you’re married. Why not just say, “Hey, just because we sat together and watched a movie or went for a ride in his car doesn’t mean we had sex.”
But the cheaters again miss the point. Part of the betrayal is the time, energy, focus, effort, and attention put into the AP…but trying to explain that, in a few sentences, might as well be teaching philosophy in arabic to a cheater. They only hear what they want, when they want. Part of the narcissism.
Yes he always said he was a simple guy. He simply screwed around and lied.
I wish the OW could smell his penetrant socks, see his shitted underwear and smell his foul farts after drinking beer and eating too much processed cheese, oh and of course try to get some sleep at night listening to his wall shaking snores with the gasping of air, nice little rhythms going honey. I think I make a precious little video for her so she gets to know that gem of a cheater bastard better – Bahaaahaaaa
You will love being single.
You’d think, right, Moose. He apparently was able to convince the OWhore that he was a Good Person by some miracle. He spent a significant amount of time and effort demonstrating that he was a Good Person and a Good Father. I’m not sure which one if then was more delusional, him for saying or her for listening to it. I’m the only bad person in the scenario.
that is what i was going to say…
SHE thinks he is a great guy. i am not sure which one if them is more delusional. they both are ghetto rats, so their idea of “great” and “good” are waaAAAaayy different then mine.
MrsVain,yes the fucked up see good in one another. They are both delusional!! She has a history of mental illness and my children fear for his safety as he is seeing someone. It’s all great and good now that we are clear of the fallout.
My UBT parses the Poor Sausage rant as follows:
I went through the entire playbook to keep you in the FOG. I even gaslighted you by telling you that I was Wrong–God! Do you know how hard that was for me?–as a way to keep the kibble coming. Now I’m playing the “You Owe Me Forgivness” card, with a side-dish of rage. The ad hominem attacks on Chump Lady are part of the Pick Me Dance invitation. After all, not only do you owe me reconciliation, but you also need to reconcile lest you become some “cunning, mistaken, foul-mouthed, conniving, bitter, vicious bitch.”
Of course, the really funny thing is how he blames the victim–and thereby reveals himself. Remember how he says that Chump Lady stupidly married (twice!) deceitful men? Well, he goes on to say that she received the consequences for such stupidity..
So, here’s the deal. If you’re so stupid that you married a cheater, you deserve to be cheated on. But if you leave your cheater, and refuse to do the Pick Me Dance or reconcile with his/her Poor Sausage pinings, then you are a “cunning, mistaken, foul-mouthed, conniving, bitter, vicious bitch” (male chumps will have to insert the appropriate gender slur–“bastard” doesn’t seem to fit).
That’s all clear now. 🙂
CL only married one cheater. Other guy was mentally ill.
Kb you unmasked it! It almost got by me too. The “she got what she deserved” comment about CL was telling indeed, but you cut through like a laser when you point out the logical conclusion that if Susie gives him another chance, then she’ll get the same (undeserved) betrayal. Good one!
They really can’t hide what they are, no matter how hard they try.
yeah, not sure of a good male replacement, maybe blame the mom for raising a son with good character?
… bitter, vicious son-of-a-bitch…
dickhead? m####r-f####r? (hmm again the mom-angle?)
Mine has mommy issues. Really. He sent his schmoopie a picture of his mother, saying, “I miss my mother. She would tell me what to do.” I could hear his little “I’m so lost and confused. I need my mommy” voice.
The man is in his mid-50s. His mother has been dead for about 7-8 years.
On the other hand, his father cheated on his mother, and now the son is following his father’s footsteps.
There is all sorts of weird and creepy going on, especially if I think about how OW bears some sorts of physical resemblance to his mother (red hair, though his mother’s was chestnut, long face, and a heavy build)…
oooh kb – Patsy posted a link below that really addresses what you’ve written here – you should go read it, if you haven’t done already! 🙂
A-hole writes: “the explanations were never good enough.”
Truer words were never spoken.
After crickets, the best response I could come up with would be:
That’s right.
The explanations were never good enough to make it a sane and responsible choice for me to trust you again.
The explanations were never good enough to stop your children from crying through the night.
The explanations were never good enough to relieve me of the need to get STD testing after 22 years of monogamy.
The explanations were never good enough to make it unnecessary to paternity test my children.
The explanations were never good enough to put our finances back where they were before the separation, the two households, the money you spent pretending to be young and free.
The explanations were never good enough to erase the memories of all those “explanations” you gave me for where you were so many nights and why you couldn’t answer your phone.
The explanations were never good enough to make your family whole and healthy and a safe place to be.
Explanations are just words. And words mean nothing compared to actions. And your actions? Your actions sucked.
So, yeah. It’s true. “The explanations were never good enough.”
Nomar, there’s no explanation other than actions speak louder than words. However, his words in this case matched his actions. Together his words and actions demonstrate his abusive core. I am still amazed how they can take on the appearance of ‘normalcy’ within a relationship, have children, and maintain a double life. I never knew the depth and breadth of his deceit. There are no words to express the horror associated with living a lie. The day we see them for what they are is the very first day we can live an honest life without the disordered.
love this!!!!
it is a much better way to see it when you put it like that…….The explanations REALLY are never good enough”…..i keep referring to the “i’m sorry” wasnt good enough.
Like! Like!
Like.
Me too.
Ad Hominen (to the man). The fallacy of reasoning where you attack the person and not the argument to discredit it. They call it an error in reasoning as it is sloppy thinking. As CL pointed out, he even admits that CL is “largely correct.” He just can’t handle the truth. And yes, the truth is not as subjective as he would like us to believe.
BOOM!
Truth–preach it, DM.
Ahhh yes, “your version of the truth”. One of my all time favorite lines from the cheater handbook. That’s a real gem.
How about this?
My “version” of the truth is: you went outside your marriage and had a relationship with another person.
That doesn’t sound much like a version, it’s sounds like the damn facts.
Instead of “your version of the truth” I got “your twisted truth” and “Why would I lie to you I have zero!! to gain!! 🙁 I’m sorry” “You treat me like garbage!!! BS” and the longest text “The stuff you made up about me is pure garbage !!! speculation !! It’s just awful what you’ve done to me !! And now us!!! It’s just terrible!!!! And sad!!!!” That’s some texts he was sending to me till I blocked his ASS.
My ex is also about “versions of the truth.” My version, of course, he considers wrong and no doubt bitter. His version has changed several times over the years. Currently, his version has completely erased all the cheating from the equation, and says that our marriage ended because he was very depressed (believe me, no he was not) and becoming an actor was what he needed to end the depression.
i dont have a clue what HIS version of the story is because he never told me. not that i didnt try. i talked and asked and retalked and reasked. the whole 2013 year long as he continued to do things that would push me away. until he found the ghetto rat he is with now who was strong enough to “help” him out of his marriage. it was HER who called me and told me that “he just doesnt want you anymore”…..huh well that is news to me.
my reasons are simple, i divorced him because he was with HER. i have yet to hear what his reason is. i am not even going to ask him. i found out that HIS story is always different then MY story. i learned this 9 years ago when my eldest daughter reached out to her bio dad. my story for all her life was that we really loved each other but were just to young and immature to make a relationship work. she found out that HIS story was we were just fuck buddies….. i was delusional for over 22 years about that relationship apparently. i wish i never found out what HIS version was…i liked my version much better.
so this time around. i will keep MY version and i am not open to listen to HIS version. he can keep that to himself. thank you very much. i have no problem sleeping at night.
Valuable perspective, Mrs.Vain. I’ll keep my version of the truth, too: he lied, he went outside our marriage, I was done being treated like a sack of shit and I deserve much better. That about sums it up.
yep, me too
If we could all rewrite history, imagine how splendidly we could paint ourselves after the fact. ~Narc delusional theories
Lol
“Hey, it’s narcissistic rage week here at Chump Lady!”
A lot like Shark Week on the Discovery Channel!
You know the difference between sharks and narcissists, don’t you? One is a ruthless, monstrous, dangerous, insatiable predator that devours everything in its path without conscience or remorse, and the other is a fish that swims in the ocean.
I think keep this in mind and run it during the TV shark week…
Hilarious.
LOL. I guess I need to draw a JAWS cartoon.
It should probably say “You’re gonna need a bigger chump”.
Just a suggestion…
on a t-shirt!! More marketing possibilities!!
Does anyone else see that the “bitter” card is always played against the Chump who “got wise?” I think bitter is just a synonym for “smarter/wiser” in cheater-speak. “He/She won’t fall for my lines of cheater reasoning anymore! Calls me as he/she sees it! Has taken control of his/her life and it doesn’t include ME! BITTER!!!!!!!!!”
“Bitter” just means “you see through my mask and won’t pretend or spackle.”
I was told I was ‘conniving’ because, you know, I found out when he left his Skype bubble up and discovered they had just fucked on her bday 8 hours before. I was conniving because I googled the clown.
I call that Transference. His 17 yrs of lies and deceit xfered onto me, or his attempt to do that. Coward.
Well, this vicious bitch right here was bitter AND vindictive.
So there, mm-hm.
That must really suck for a cheater, when the chump is all bitter. Bitter kibbles: no fun. Sad sausage.
Bitter is nothing more than code for “my spouse stood up and decided he/she was nottaking my shit anymore.
Bitter
Best Damn thing about you was ME
Integrity in ALL aspects of my life
Truthteller, Truth hurts doesn’t it, buddy
Time not wasted on you, your disorder or your shit
Ethical, Yup always, helpful, sweet, kind, hardworking, loving, understanding, empathetic too.
Rewarding is life you without a disordered POS.
Add to this “he/she is no longer sugar coating my shit and has no problems telling the truth about what I’ve done.”
BOOM.
A long time ago, there was a gay activist who claimed the pejorative “faggot”. He maintained that if he used it, made it his and proudly copped to it, the pejorative lost its power. Based on this, I claimed “bitter ex wife” back in, oh, 2004 after Cheater #1 pulled his stunts. I also claimed bitch a long time ago too. Amazing how it takes the wind out of their sails when you agree with them.
Or, if you’re not ready for the harsh labeling, you could just try the tactic of my mother’s genteel southern belle friend, who would smile sweetly and say, “Takes one to know one”. Sorta different take on bless your heart.