I have been following for almost a year now and this has seriously helped me grow some balls to leave my cheating lying ex-husband. It has been a little over a year from the first D-Day. We tried to work it out after and he begged me not to leave and he would show me how much he loved me etc., etc.
Well he didn’t… his actions showed me he was all talk and I suspected he met yet another woman. Mind you — the OW from the first D-Day now worked in my building and was semi stalking me. I felt like I was going through some Lifetime movie shit and I should write you the entire story.
I finally had enough lies and manipulation after crying every day and I filed. So, now two weeks after our divorce is finalized I find out that there was another affair that I suspected, but was made out to be crazy to think there was someone else. It still gave me that chest pumping crippling feeling that I never wanted him to have on me ever again!!
Why do I care? Why do I care that he has proven to be an even worse human than I thought? Why am I letting this derail my progress of feeling strong for leaving? Is it just because I am a better person all around? I don’t understand why I deserved this. I am throwing myself a pity party and I shouldn’t be.
Dear Feeling Humiliated,
Please give yourself a break. It’s been two weeks. Your D-Day was only a YEAR ago, and you’ve already found your mightiness and divorced this jerk. It takes some time for your heart to catch up. There will come a day where if I told you he was a white slaver with a goat fetish who holds orgies at Sunday schools you would shrug. (Okay, you might be intrigued at first. Goats? But then the meh settles back in.)
This is an early days Trust That They Suck problem. You’re still grieving who you thought he was. One betrayal is hard enough to wrap your mind around, another confirmed affair solidifies the suck. As a chump, someone who wholly invests themselves, it’s very difficult to internalize our utter insignificance to the person who is fronting as our life partner. Yes, they’re that mendacious. They’re that shallow. They’re that selfish.
Why do I care?
Because you invested yourself in this person. You bonded. You’re human. Your new life hasn’t eclipsed your old life yet, and the Gain a Life portion of recovery has just begun. It’s totally understandable that your fuckwit ex has some centrality still. But the good news is, that’s curable.
Why do I care that he has proven to be an even worse human than I thought?
Consider reframing this: He just gave you further validation that your decision to divorce him was correct. Also I give you permission to enjoy a tingle of schadenfreude that he was cheating on Stalker Girl.
Next conclude: No one is special. It’s nothing personal. He’s ruled by his dick.
Why am I letting this derail my progress of feeling strong for leaving?
Did you take him back? Did you egg her house? Did you write him a mortifying 14-page document demanding answers? No? Then he didn’t derail your progress. (And even if you did those things, slap yourself and get back on the wagon.)
You have feelings. Understandable feelings. They are survivable. The important thing to do is have a goal. Think, “I will NOT give a fuckwit my mental energy.” And then throw yourself at whatever’s in your life. Your job. Weeding the garden beds. Book club Zoom calls. Anything that’s not him. He’s a fuckwit. We’ve concluded this.
Is it just because I am a better person all around?
Clearly. Do you have multiple secret fuckbuddies? Do you stalk anyone?
I don’t understand why I deserved this.
You didn’t deserve this, but the world is full of undeserved shit and injustice. Learn from it. Grow mightier. Be kind to anyone who crosses your path who is going through undeserved shit.
I am throwing myself a pity party and I shouldn’t be.
You’re processing a new betrayal by someone you loved. Who you were married to. You’ve had to pivot your entire life because of his treachery. It’s a LOT to absorb.
I know there is a lot of Just Get Over It discourse out there about infidelity. That being cheated on is a rejection on par with not being asked to the prom. That people who divorce over it are just “bitter” (read “overreacting.”) This whole blog is evidence that no, being used this way, having your health risked, the control and lack of consent, the mindfucking, the theft of our time and resources — is ABUSE.
You’re not having a “pity party” healing from abuse. You’re PROCESSING it. That takes time. But I promise you, the mightiness to overcome it is a powerful force. You’ve already saved yourself by divorcing him. Keep saving yourself each day at a time. Deny him the centrality he craves.
If by “pity party” you mean focusing on the Tragic Loss of Him? No, stop that. If you’re blaming yourself, if you think his wandering dick has anything to do with you? STOP IT.
But you are absolutely allowed to feel grief over the life you lost. The future you invested in. What you thought it all was. Feel it, acknowledge it, punch some pillows, puke, cry in showers, spend time on boards like mine discussing it with others, and then get back to those weedy garden beds. They need you. There is a real life out here that needs your attention. There are people who will blossom from your investment in them. Who aren’t takers. There are problems to solve far worthier than “Why doesn’t a fuckwit love me?”
Move toward the new life.
He gaslighted you about his affairs, plural not singular. Okay. Now you know the truth. It doesn’t alter the fundamental truth that he’s unworthy of you.