Why Can’t I Take the Divorce Slow?
She wants to know why she can’t take the divorce slow? She just had a D-Day after 30 years of marriage and it’s all she can do to get through the day without vomiting.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
Wow. I just discovered your site and spent all weekend reading your posts like it was my own diary! I’m not crazy and I’m not the only one! He’s been acting just like you said: rage, self pity, charm. Apparently I’ve been doing the pick me dance as if I’m the lead ballerina in the Nutcracker.
This summer I discovered my husband of 30 years, 4 grown children, 4 grandchildren, has been carrying on with the Other Woman for over 10 years.
They have a made-on-purpose 5 year old son and tried through 4 rounds of IVF to create a sibling. OW is the same age as our oldest son and my husband will be 80 when this son graduates high school!
I moved out, but only across the street. I have a lawyer who suggested we take it slow for a couple months because our state requires an attempt at mediation and I’m such a sobbing, vomiting mess I can’t even complete a sentence when trying to discuss divorce.
So, you say I need to go no contact. That had never occurred to me. I’ve been hopium/let’s be friends/just confused. Why do I have to do that all at once?
Why can’t I focus on getting through one day?
Then maybe next week get through two days? For some reason I feel emotionally closer to him now than I have been in the last decade of confusion.
Ballerina Chump
***
Dear Ballerina Chump,
You need to go no contact to keep you safe from emotional hallucinations like “I feel emotionally closer to him.”
That’s some serious hopium you’re toking. He is not, and has never been for at least a decade, a safe partner.
You’ve had a monumental shock. Now you’re in the bargaining stage of grief.
You think you could be friends? With the guy who concealed his OTHER FAMILY? For a DECADE?
I know if you think about it for more than a second you want to collapse with grief. How on earth can you onboard the fact that this man lied to your face every day for ten straight years as he was creating children with another woman? And Jesus, what does four rounds of IVF cost? Just the financial theft alone. (Please tell me your lawyer is on this dissipation of marital assets.)
It would make anyone vomit. So instead, you bargain. You think, okay, the marriage is over, but maybe I can salvage something, anything, from this clusterfuck. We could be friends! your addled brain thinks. He isn’t all bad! (He’s a DSM nut cluster, Ballerina.) Anything to avoid that giant wall of pain.
You cannot afford to be paralyzed now. Or underestimate your enemy.
This man has been conspiring against you for TEN YEARS. (That you know of.) It suits him very well to have you disoriented, and better yet, thinking well of him. All the better to manipulate you into a favorable settlement.
I have a lawyer who suggested we take it slow for a couple months because our state requires an attempt at mediation and I’m such a sobbing, vomiting mess I can’t even complete a sentence when trying to discuss divorce.
You won’t be discussing divorce. Your attorney will be representing you. I’m sorry your state requires you to mediate with a sociopath. But a person who concealed their 5 year old child IS NOT AN HONEST BROKER.
I’m not a lawyer, this is not legal advice. This is lived experience from someone who runs a blog with a bazillion stories of mediation with FWs — THEY ARE NOT HONEST BROKERS. Your husband obviously does not have your best interest in mind. I would figure out what you’re legally entitled to, ask for more, and start higher than that. Mediation will probably fail (good) and I prefer your chances with a judge. Let your FW explain the four rounds of IVF with his mistress to his Honor.
If you must attend mediation with a FW, do not sit in the same room as him. Be completely and utterly no contact with this freak. Also it’s okay to change lawyers if you don’t feel like you’re getting proper representation.
Go slow? What is your attorney doing to protect you in the interim? Are you freezing bank accounts and credit? Is there financial discovery? What benefit is it YOU? If you can’t ask those questions without puking, put it in an email.
Get medical help.
Let me repeat, you’re in shock. Summer may have been six months ago, but this is not trauma you bounce back from quickly. You need a support team — get STD tested and consider a sleeping aid temporarily. You need to have your wits about you, and that’s impossible if you’re not sleeping well or eating properly. Exercise to clear your head, even if it’s just walks around the block with a dog.
You’re living in this weird reality where you’re supposed to just recognize your obsolescence. Oh hey, he started a new family with a much younger woman! Exit Stage Left, Granny!
If you leave yourself vulnerable to his rage, charm, self-pity cycle you’re going to feel like the crazy one. His entitlement is so deep, so ingrained — you cannot break that. You will break your brain trying. That’s why no contact is essential. Correct course to HOW DARE HE!
He behaves as if you do not matter and now you must disappear. You matter and you will gladly exit his life WITH ALL YOU ARE OWED. And then some. Because…
HOW DARE HE!
He is the freak here. Sort out your emotions about that later. Right now it’s time to get up and fight.
I just want to know what kind of woman does four rounds of IVF with a married man?
This in itself makes me want to vomit. What a sad, sad creature.
A manipulator who sees babies as 18 year check$. Unfortunately no shortage of dumb old FW whose behavior “reward” this type of skank
What I was thinking.
A goldigger thats who, she wants as many kids as possible so when he is old and grey he will be cutting her huge cheques every month. Men are so stupid.
Please, let’s not be sexist. This pathetic charade occurs across the sexes. It’s personality types, not gender.
He might be an idiot, but the OW is an idiot, too. And, as CL says, the kids are the main losers. It’s not going to be fun trying to explain the parental stupidity of the dad down the road.
My FW XW left me for an older, richer man. She may have gotten a more financially stable partner than me (millions, I’m pretty damn sure, but he’s generally extremely cheap as hell, I gather), the vacation house on the island off Maine that she always wanted (just a vacation home, not the details), and originally, a brandy new apartment that morphed into a relatively new condo, all right around the corner from me, her XH.
It doesn’t play out well with our kids trying to explain that. As far as I know, none of our kids like her AP, now so-called new partner-for-life.
But, their mom has access to money, a much nicer living area than me (new appliances!) and a sort of stable life that my kids like. So it’s a weird mix.
But my FW XW and her current male partner? They’re equally stupid idiots.
Please forgive me I thought this was a safe space for women to vent without being judged and creeped on by the opposite sex, after all it is called ChumpLady, not Chumpman. I had no idea men even visited this site at all, why would they? Ask yourself that question.
https://www.chumplady.com/6-things-men-experience-when-theyre-cheated-on/
Note who wrote it and the topic.
Well, you were wrong and you owe him and every other male chump an apology. As well aa tendering an apology to Tracy, for believing her to be so lacking in imagination and empathy as to exclude fellow chumps.
Shame on you.
charmee, I’m going to make this relatively short (ha ha to those that are familiar with my posts).
I’m gathering you’re new here, and it seems likely you’re a female chump terribly wronged/betrayed by your male husband or partner. I’m very sorry you’re dealing with that, as I’m sure all of CN is. Nobody wishes you were pressed into this club like the rest of us were, believe me.
But, as ISawTheLight said, she’s Chumplady because she’s a lady (Tracy), not because only women are welcomed here. Any chump: female, male or anybody else on the gender spectrum is welcome here. Any race, religion, creed, sexual orientation is welcome here (I’m sure I’m forgetting something, so please forgive me).
Cheaters are basically certain personality types and are also known for poor or nonexistent morals and character. What they’re not known for is where they land on the gender spectrum.
So, my earlier point to you is simple: I’m asking you not to reduce all men to only being cheaters or cheaters-in-waiting. There’s a wide variety of men.
Many of us are actually possessed of some good morals and character. Some of us had good parents, of which good mothers factor in majorly.
I don’t think you’d want me to label all women as shallow, morally-challenged, gold-digging, immature fuckwits like my FW XW. And I don’t. All I’m asking for is the same consideration for men.
This is a safe place for chumps, period. Who come in a WIDE variety.
Wishing you well, charmee.😊
Charmee posted as early as 2023, possibly earlier, so I doubt Charmee is truly unaware that chumped men read and post here.
Wow. You really don’t know this blog, then.
Old broad here. Saw two beloved male relatives snookered by faithless wives. Jaw on floor: “Christian women don’t do that!” How naive can one be? Wish I’d known about the character/personality disturbed/disordered when I was a young broad.
Chump LADY is *Tracy*, who started the blog, not an indicator that this space is restricted to women only. Men are and have always been welcome. Men can be chumped too. No one is “creeping” on anyone. The only person I see judging anyone here is you.
Whoa! This site is for chumps, men and women, so you are misinformed. There are many, many men who regularly visit and post on this site. They come here for the same reasons that women do — to get support in the middle of devastating betrayal. Please read the archives and see all the letters from men.
It is a safe space for people who have been cheated on, so please allow all of them to be welcome here.
A desperate pick-me skank – my ex’s side piece went through in vitro with him. Now he’s an old, fat, alcoholic father of a toddler. Sounds like a slice of heaven…
That poor kid. At least kids of chumps have one sane parent. http://www.chumplady.com/the-long-arc-of-sane-parenting
100%. All three of them are living on the money I earned, which rankles, but I do feel sorry for the kid – she was conceived by awful people, for terrible reasons.
Take CL’s advice. Get a new lawyer. To the extent possible with options available to you, I would find a woman as close to your age as possible.I switched from a very nice,and experienced well meaning older man to a woman my own age.My entire experience changed for the better.I understand “better” means “least worst” in this ugly painful situation. It will get better and somehow easier to navigate your new normal.I promise.
I (female) went with exactly what you describe, female, younger than me because I’m old. She has not represented me well. But I agree that the law is mostly weighted against women. Go with whoever you feel responds to your needs. I should have looked around more but I was drowning and clung onto the nearest available raft. Rip the band aid off. Limit contact but absolutely strip it down to the bare minimum facts if you have to. He has been lying to you for more than ten years. Lying for More Than Ten Years. You can also call a crisis hotline if you don’t have anyone to lean on. You have been abused. All of that was abuse. The less you engage with your abuser the easier (not easy in any way) the sooner your had will work its way out of this chaos. All the best!
Amen yes!!!!
Seconded. Something about the legal advice so far is giving me pause (to put it mildly). “Taking it slow” gives him even more time to manipulate the finances, hide the lies, etc. etc. He’s already got a 10-year jump.
I was trying to think of any “good” reason a lawyer might give this advice.
As many pointed out, the general concensus is that waiting gives someone who is already proven untrustworthy more time to hide/steal/deplete assets. Also, some chumps moved fast and were able to get better settlements bc the cheater was anxious to be out of the marriage and off to start a life with the AP. Waiting to start the process could mean the affair ends and then FW wants back in on the marriage and fights you on the divorce.
For a moment I thought, maybe her lawyer wants to wait because, as she admitted herself, she is NOT in a calm place at all and the lawyer is concerned that she will not look good in court.
But I kind of feel like even if that was the case, the advice wouldn’t be “let’s take it slow”. It would be, “we need to get this moving now. I understand that you are going through an emotional hellscape. Find a good therapist, and do whatever it takes to pull yourself together enough to get this moving.”
She doesn’t have to be at “meh”. She doesn’t even have to be in a good place all the time. She needs to be functional for her lawyer appoitments and time in court. That’s it.
So given that, this lawyer seems sady as hell.
I mean, D-Day was six months ago. How much slower does the lawyer want to go?
Ballerina, I am really, really not trying to scare you — I know you don’t need that — but this is an important window you’re in. Be stealthy about your strategy. Your ex is not your friend. He is your betrayer.
Yes!!!!
BC,
I’m in the “Get a new lawyer” camp too.
LFTT
So agree with CL! Don’t lie down sis. Fight, fight, fight!
I’m so sorry, Ballerina Chump. Nobody deserves this level of betrayal. I know it’s absolutely impossible to understand how this person is capable of this level of abuse. It’s like being hit repeatedly over the head with a FW-shaped hammer.
My D-Day was June this year. A 24 year relationship two amazing children, good jobs, nice home, holidays abroad – on paper, we had everything anyone could want in life. But it just wasn’t good enough for him. Apparently, he deserved more. Whilst me and our daughters deserved less.
I say the following not out of jealousy, but to try to get you into fight mode – be thankful that you are in a position to have something to fight for (i.e. marital assets). My biggest regret is never marrying my FW. In England, a 24 year common law partnership means absolutely zero. We may as well be strangers who never met, according to law. I’m entitled to absolutely nothing (other than Child Maintenance). So me and my young children (7 and 12) will lose our home. It’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to buy again on my own. I’ll have no spousal maintenance, no claim to his pension, nothing that would come my way if we had married. Just half the equity of our house, which is very little as we bought comparatively late in life.
I know you want to just curl up and die – but you have to fight for your future self. Even if you think nothing matters anymore, that feeling will slowly ease, I promise. Think of it this way, whatever more he takes from you now, will go to the OW. Surely that’s enough to get angry. Make sure you trust your lawyer, and hopefully you can step back and let them take the reins.
Take care of yourself. Sending hugs.
How awful. I wonder if your FW deliberately didn’t marry you with the thought that he could exit at any time and keep the majority of his assets?
What an awful situation. Maybe that’s why I have always instinctively side-eyed fathers who proclaim marriage is just a piece of paper and often get their partners to parrot this. Felt like brainwashing
Whenever I hear someone say, ‘A marriage license is just a piece of paper, I snap, ‘So is money! But I don’t see you turning that down!”
As for the Ballerina, she should change lawyers.
You get left holding the bag of air. Never settle , never
So sorry Tranquil…. 😔 … that’s BackwardAF laws in The Motherland. Hugs to you too.
It really is – no idea what the laws are in the US or elsewhere if you’re not married, but totally archaic here and most people still don’t realise how black and white it is. But it’s also a sign of how secure I felt in our relationship that I just didn’t think marrying him was necessary (was almost smug about it – don’t I feel like the village idiot now!). I never believed he could throw me and our kids under the bus, but sure enough, separated 6 months and he won’t pay any more than he legally has to despite the fact he can afford to.
I keep wondering if he has made a will and left everything he owns to AP? Can you imagine that – if he died, I’d be in the ridiculous position of being joint owners of a house with the AP. That must happen more than we imagine!
That could happen to me. Sort of. Not the AP, but his new much younger gf. I mean, he isn’t likely to die anytime soon. But I am more saying that when you say this “must happen more than we imagine”, I am an example of where that could potentially happen. I agree that it probably is more common than we think, at least in a theoretical way. There are probably a lot of chumnps that are at risk for this, and it just doesnt’t come to fruition.
Oh my word Ballerina Chump, hugs coming your way. You will be in complete shock – not only an OW, but for at least a DECADE?!! AND an Other Child ?!! AND IVF?!! That’s a complete mindf*ck! My eyebrows are still hitting my hairline! What a horrible thing to do this to you and your family.
I remember when I was trying to “be your best self” as the therapist said (aka The Pick Me Dance) and being brighter and cooking a nicer dinner and tidying better… and so STBXH was brigther too because life was grand for him with her at work and me at home, and I too felt closer emotionally… because I thought he was finally connecting with me and making an effort and that we had had a big wake up call and it got us holding on to our marriage for dear life. Nup. Turned out it was just me holding on for dear life. Your husband has completely disrespected you. In multiple ways over thousands of days. Don’t trust that you have an emotional connection with him. Listen to CL. She has your best interests at heart more than your STBX. Thank goodness you had the where withal to find this site! That’s some mighty right there Ballerina Chump. Believe in you. X
Hugs to you.
PS. And peace and goodwill to CN on this special day, my nine month D-Day anniversary (woop woop! Not…). With love and thanks.
Ugh! Your post brought me right back to wreckoncilliation where our marriage therapist told me to “be more feminine”. I was already the cook, the housecleaner, the nanny, the teacher (I homeschooled my children), how much more feminine could I get?!. It was infuriating and all it did was make me fall more into PickMe mode. Gross!!! What the therapist meant was for me to let him “lead the household”. Um…excuse me? Finally I came to my senses and kicked that mfer to the curb.
Loads of crap therapists out there as I’ve often posted, including the dumbf**k family systems one Ballerina has been seeing.
Good Lord how old was this therapist? Many decades ago it was de rigueur to blame the woman for everything, but I thought those days were gone.
Your story reminds me of “The Handmaid’s Tale” where you were the wife, the Martha, and the Handmaid all in one. And then you are told that, regardless of your responsibilities and position in the household, you have no power. “The Handmaid’s Tale”: NOT an instruction manual. (Full disclosure, I never read the book and am in the middle of the tv series right now.)
The joys of being an EconoWife!
Nothing makes me want to wear combat boots more than being told to be fEmInInE.
Kismet comment this morning HOAC! As I posted to MollyWobbles above just now, I am in the middle of watching “The Handmaid’s Tale”, and just last night I was puzzling over the costume choice to dress the handmaids in what look like WWI combat boots, under the feminine red dress and white cap and “wings”. Your comment gives food for thought. The Handmaids are certainly at war with their captors.
Oooh, you have great attention for detail!
I never read Handmaid’s Tale all the way through so I don’t know if Atwood had the handmaids dressed in work boots in the original novel. But I studied fashion from a feminist perspective so I find this really interesting.
When I went back to review the original Handmaids film that I watched with my parents back in the day, Handmaids wore practical shoes that bespeak a kind of puritanical modesty which contrasts with the whore-gear that the “Jezebels” of Gilead are forced to wear. But it seems the quasi-Amish garb of the handmaids in the original film didn’t involve anything as rugged as “combat boots” (if you haven’t seen the first film directed by Volker Schlöndorff, it’s an incredible cast: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oTnhx_N7nro).
Anyway, combat boots are a really interesting costume choice so thanks for pointing this out. Now I’m looking up interviews with costume designers Ane Crabtree and Natalie Bronfman for clues.
So were the boots possibly meant to symbolize that hard labor typically underlies the demureness that women are forced to exude sort of like swans whose grace above the water is afforded by a lot of exhausting thrashing under the surface?
ChumpLady is right. My ex was newly retired, and I hadn’t worked full-time in 20+ years. You have to kick off a plan with multiple professionals. The momentum of that will help you overall. I had an attorney who became like a big brother to me. In my case, he implemented what he called “appropriate shock-and-awe.” He also told me to go no contact because I was messing with things, so I agreed. He handled everything and gave me a lot of life advice along the way. I had a therapist and a life transitions coach. I went on anti-anxiety meds that also helped me sleep.
And yes, there was life after my wreck of a marriage. I got a fair, reasonably good settlement. I’m happily single, and our now-adult kids are doing great. They joined me in no-contact and have remained so. I haven’t heard from my ex in three years now.
Do not, do not, do not take it slow with moving toward protecting your financial future via the best possible divorce settlement you can achieve for yourself. I agree with others who have suggested you might want to change lawyers — I paid for one-hour consultations with two different women lawyers and went with the one who told me to be strategic and move quickly while my FW was still feeling guilty about his newly revealed affair. I am close to your age, with two adult kids and 20+ years of marriage, so lots of shared assets and not a long timeline to earn future income. It hurt like hell to move so quickly through the legal phase when I, too, was not sleeping and was worried I might self-harm — but I divorced the FW in five months, and he stupidly agreed to an 80/20 split of assets in my favor (I did not spell out to him that the agreement was an 80/20 split; he never got a lawyer and just went with what my lawyer and I meekly suggested). I am happiest that I was able to stay in our beloved house, even though I had to pay him half the home equity we had built up (our mortgage was almost paid off when he secretly packed up all his things and left while I was away on a trip, then smugly revealed his affair).
The emotional weight of all this did eventually come crashing down on me, and I am still processing all that happened, 2+ years post-Dday — but I am here to attest that getting your legal and financial ducks in a row as quickly as possible can pay off in the long run, as much as it hurts and feels absolutely hellish to go through in the moment. Take care of your health, including mental health — I agree with taking a mild sleep aid if needed, because you need your wits about you right now. Stay strong.
I don’t know of course, but it seems like BallerinaChump’s STBX manipulated her into moving out of her home? Get. a. pitbull. lawyer.
Wow you rocked the divorce settlement! You can and should be proud. Go you.
What a git he was – smug and spineless… that would have been devastating to come home to an empty home 😔
Thanks and yes, it was brutal — I wouldn’t wish it on anyone; I was in total shock. When people (former in-laws, Switzerland friends, or clueless bystanders) ask me why I don’t want to be friends with him now, I remember the heartlessness of that moment. No contact is definitely the only way to heal, although it is still a long process.
FW narcopath lied during the mediation. Kept on spending during the divorce and lying about it.
Every word Tracy wrote to you is gold. It feels like this can’t be happening, an alien must have taken over your husband’s body or he has a brain tumor! Nope he’s the enemy combatant and you don’t want to face it.
Slow divorces are usually highly painful and stressful. It’s also giving him the opportunity to destroy evidence. If you are way past retirement age and FW is dying I would understand dragging it out so you can inherit it all. However your FW has an OW who is an active accomplice and they’d both love for you to keel over penniless.
We’ve been there ourselves and the trauma is unbearable at times because your reality has been destroyed. I invested nearly 30 years with a narcissistic sociopath and it is so disorienting not only to me even friends and neighbors who support me are at times astounded at the extent of FW secret double life.
Be careful of therapists find one who gets this is abuse and trauma.
You cannot be “friends” with a sociopathic abuser. The day I realized FW was thinking of a fatal accident for me, was the day I realized that he was a monster I should fear and fight like hell to escape from. Lawyers also said the guilt usually only lasts 3-9 months during which they’re more amenable to a decent settlement.
It’s deeply unfair but you must clear your head and fight! For yourself your children and grandkids if that helps motivate you. Imagine you are Russell Crowe’s character in Gladiator. Fight or die.
Amplifying your point that her FW has an active accomplice in the OW. OW has motivation in the form of that child to make sure FW gets as much as he can. It’s crucial that Ballerina shore up her defenses and go on the offense.
Yes, act now as the amenability and guilt does wear off… for me it’s gone from him saying I can have the house (for stability for the boys and me) and how “easy” rental apartment living is, to then wanting a percentage of proceeds whenever I sell the house (which has taken two more months of lawyering), to now missing having a nice house and being well set up (regret). We are now at the nine month post D-Day mark… a few more days and we should be all signed off…
CL is so right: course correct to HOW DARE HE.
If you can set aside the grief and compartmentalize for a moment, look at this objectively as if it were happening to a friend. You would be in shock at how egregious the situation is and you would immediately go into HOW DARE HE mode.
Put on that HOW DARE HE facade and let it be your mantra and your superpower. You took your ‘til death do us part’ vow seriously and death would have been deserving of grief. But deception calls for immediate and righteous anger. Let those words work for you.
(PS. I was ready to write a memoir because the things my ex did were so shocking. I found CL and came to realize it’s just regular, run of the mill stuff. So sorry it’s happened to you.)
How Dare He! That was not in my vocabulary until now. I will tape it to the bathroom mirror.
Write it on in lipstick!!🙌
(Just don’t use lipstick on exes or Ap cars – apparently it damages paintwork! Glad I googled that in time!😂)
Dear Ballerina – I also left a 30 year marriage. The affair with his best friend’s wife/widow may have gone on for years. I relocated five blocks away, took six months to make final move and another year to file (during pandemic).
I lost 30 pounds in two months. I worked full time and pulled together a wreckconciliation getaway. He continued the affair. I had to tell our families.
There is nothing positive that can come out of contact with him. The longer you delay filing could jeopardize your fair settlement, so listen to your lawyer.
In retrospect, I should have seen a trauma therapist. Talk to your PCP about your physical symptoms. Consider protein drinks.
Get a walking buddy or two. Write in a journal to document the chaos. Volunteer with a cause that matters to you.
It takes years to heal, but you should move forward everyday starting now.
“The longer you delay filing could jeopardize your fair settlement, so listen to your –NEW- lawyer.” Current lawyer is advising delay, so shop around, Ballerina.
Yes – defintely look for lawyer who will protect Chump’s well being.
Ballerina, I don’t understand why you’re the one who left the marital home. Get a new lawyer and ask about taking it back, preferably without notice. You need access to all of his and your financial records and other documentation he may have there. I don’t know how you found out about the more recent four rounds of IVF but there may have been more to conceive his current child. Has he been supporting her all this time? Also theft of marital assets.
You’re in shock and after decades of marriage, and it’s normal to want your partner of decades to continue to support you emotionally. With a little time and perspective, you will probably see him much differently. And quite likely discover that what you now know is just trickle truth of him admitting to what you know or suspect. You may find he had other APs previously or even currently. Most of us here have been shocked by discovery, then over time discovered even more misdeeds than we can imagine.
I don’t know what kind of people can try to conceive while at least one of them is married to someone else. I think there’s a question of medical ethics here too, although they probably lied to the medical provider who did the IVF. Since those are HER medical records, you should try to get copies of his checking, debit and credit card statements, which may show what he paid for this, and other expenses related to his other family.
Ballerina, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Ballerina, This is not time to take things slow!!!! You need to make sure you get an aggressive lawyer and possibly a forensic accountant (ask e how I know). This guy has totally violated your trust for over 10 years (that you know of). He is dissipating money like there is no tomorrow. You have to act now!!! If that means a pitbull lawyer then by all means. I tried the pick me dancing and the RIC for 60 days but I could not see why I should take the accountability for FW being a serial cheater. That ended rather quickly because I decided it was time for a fight for my future!!!!
I hired a great attorney and a forensic accountant since I found that FW was sending Schmoopie a lot of money each month. I eventually became so good with the accounting piece that it was not funny. This is no longer about fighting for the friendship of a FW (because people who lie, cheat and steal are not friendship material). I went no contact and anything that he tried to communicate with me was met a a very simple response of “you will have to go through the attorney with that”. Yep, he took almost everything through the attorney until he discovered that they bill in six minute increments and that can be expensive!
I won’t tell you that this will be easy because I had to fight for almost two years. Finally, the court ordered a settlement conference which was presided over by a retired judge. It was just like a trial would have been. I was able to sit in a separate room with my lawyer as the judge went from room to room. FW tried everything he could do accuse me of cheating, dissipating assets and anything else he could think of but could offer no proof. Fortunately, my side had our act together and we showed evidence of everything (thanks FW for not being tech savvy and letting everything save to the family cloud drive). We had receipts for travel, monthly payments, vacation and other stuff. We showed his home grown porn with Schmoopie as well. Finally because FW had so many lies, he tracked them on a spreadsheet because he evidently experienced problems with remembering what he had told and to him he had told what story. The retired judge was very happy with our organization and collection of evidence and told FW and his attorney that he would advise settling or it would probably get worse for them at trial (perjury, etc.). FW raged but within a couple of days settled for everything I had asked for including a complete lump some payment of the money he had dissipated on Schmoopie. This left him a very sad sausage but there was still ample money left that he could support Schmoopie after the divorce.
I got an excellent settlement and was able to purchase and pay for a cute townhome in a gated community. I have an excellent relationship with my son (he is NC with FW). I have great former Chump boyfriend and a few very close authentic, true friends. I was also able to retire this year and have a secure future. Ballerina, please secure your future before FW can blow through all your assets. I know it is hard but this is your future that is at stake. It is rough and it seems like a long uphill battle but you can do this!!!!! Life is better on the other side. I have been divorced for just over three years now and everything is peaceful. You will get there. Just get through this period and you can really heal once it is finished. It sucks right now, so get the help you need (therapy, meds or whatever it takes). You can do this!!! Just be strong. Your first steps needs to be no contact (this will give you some relief). Good luck!!!!
Dear Ballerina Chump,
I think you might be dancing in “The Red Shoes” more than the Nutcracker. But I like the imagery of the latter because it’s certainly time to crack some nuts– get into your predatory inner beast mode and take no prisoners. But to allow this life-saving mental and emotional transition to happen, you’ll need to get out of the mind-fuck range of this psychopath. So I’m with the others who are recommending changing lawyers. You need an experienced pit bull who understands the stakes here, who knows how psychopaths roll and will support you getting out of his orbit. It sounds like your current lawyer is one of those types who believe that infidelity is not a form of domestic abuse, otherwise they couldn’t possibly have given such dangerous advice.
I also recommend finding a therapist trained in coercive control because I’m 1000% sure that your hopefully soon-to-be-ex has been conditioning you heavily– Pavlovian random reward and punishment style, aka “frog-boiling”– since the beginning in order to paralyze your agency, prune your self esteem and ensure you “put no god before him.”
So in order to get those cursed red shoes off your feet, I think you need to be surrounded by people who put ALL the blame on the abuser and ZERO on you, the victim, at this moment. Unfortunately, as CL and CN were discussing several weeks ago, most traditionally trained therapists apply the “family systems” approach to domestic abuse where the responsibility is split between both parties. This “takes two to tango” view of abuse is not only outdated but scientifically debunked and is typically disastrous (which is why it’s against the law in some states for state-funded therapy practices to apply it but sadly remains dirt common in private practice). This is why I think only those versed in coercive control really understand how the most skilled abusers operate and how they can turn formerly perfectly normal, healthy individuals into a terrified shells of themselves without even raising their fists.
The Psychology Today website has state-by-state lists of therapists according to specialty. Also coercive control expert Dr. Christine Cocchiola’s network has a state-by-state list of therapists she personally trained around the country. Personally I think this is a reassuring therapeutic “bloodline” because Dr. Cocciola was trained by the late, great Dr. Evan Stark who is the author of many books and academic studies on coercive control and one of the spearheads of the original shelter movement as well as the global movement to criminalize coercive control. She and others in her network can also perform “coaching” rather than therapy which allows them to practice outside the states where they reside. Either way, people with this background are trained to understand and help deprogram from the kind of Jedi-level psychological and emotional abuse you’re being subjected to. For instance, people with this training wouldn’t be surprised at all that the same abuser who seems to be callously discarding you today may be stalking you and clinging to your windowsill vowing vengeance tomorrow.
A tip for interviewing lawyers is to find out what their usual retainer is before you ask them if they’re trained in coercive control because lawyers will often raise the retainer if “coercive control” or other forms of abuse are mentioned. This is because coercively controlling abusers will almost invariably engage in post-separation abuse and make things contentious if not dangerous. So in order to keep your initial costs down as you get your money ducks in a row, get the numbers first before you get into too much detail about what you’re dealing with.
It’s always darkest before the dawn when first breaking free of abuse so I hope you stick around forums like this to get support and surround yourself with people who can remind you how much better it is on the other side. Wishing you strength, safety and peace.
I’ve had a therapist for a few years now who does family systems therapy. I will follow your suggestion to find a new therapist. I don’t feel like I have anything in me to fight with but you all are telling me the lawyer should do the fighting for me. Guess I gotta get a new lawyer too. Uggh. Ok.
Noooo, not the dreaded family systems/dyadic thing. In the immortal words of Monty Python, “Run away!”
I swear that women are the only living creatures to which mainstream science traditionally tries to ascribe a wish NOT to survive. Meanwhile even single cell amoebas are credited with the drive to live. But, nope, not human females. We just draw abuse, suffering, punishment and extremely high rates of violent death to ourselves on our self-defeating Voodoo tractor beams!
The idea that all or even most domestic abuse victims had preexisting psychological issues that made them especially violence-prone has been statistically debunked over and over again for decades but, all the same, this idea has been foisted in sciency-sounding drag since the Victorian era.
A therapist wrote to CL about four years ago to warn about that moldy old approach: https://www.chumplady.com/the-dual-accountability-therapy-fallacy/
The advocacy service I worked for in college would fire any advocate who tried to push the “split blame” view because the organization followed the principles and research of the late Dr. Stark. Stark and his wife and fellow veteran advocate/researcher Ann Flitcraft were the ones who really definitively stomped the family systems approach to death almost forty years ago in their chapter on DV in one of the bibles of PTSD treatment compiled by founding psychotraumatologist Frank M. Ochberg, Post-traumatic Therapy and the Victims of Violence (if you can snag one of the cheap pre-owned copies, the chapter on DV is the mic-drop argument: https://www.amazon.com/Post-Traumatic-Therapy-Victims-Violence-Psychosocial/dp/0876304900).
To summarize the chapter, Stark and Flitcraft credit that split-blame view (whether it’s called the dyadic or family systems theory or “psychological deficiency” or “codependency” theory of battered women) for causing what they call the “second injury of domestic abuse.” Basically they argue that it grinds in the trauma of DV far more deeply.
For what it’s worth, here’s Dr. Cocchiola’s directory: https://www.coercivecontrolconsulting.com/clinician-directory/
Some of the therapists in the directory also have listings in Psychology Today database. I have no investment in this network but, from everything I’ve read and viewed, they seem to be the “anti-RIC” and “anti-victim-blaming” faction and are basing approaches on the best available science.
The only good insight from “family systems theory” is, when you change your behavior, others tend to change theirs. When you stand up for yourself, be prepared for your estranged hubby to crank up his chaos. The charm/rage/self-pity will cycle so fast, you’ll swear he is possessed by demons. If you’re not swearing that already! http://www.chumplady.com/mindfuck-three-channels
But, er der, according to split-blamers, ceasing to be a doormat is supposed to magically improve the behavior of abusive partners.
I’ve never seen that. Has anyone ever seen that? No, asserting oneself leads to hissy fits. Weeping and wailing and rage and retaliation. The abusive partner metes out punishment because you punished ’em by protecting yourself.
I’ve never seen that.
He is playing all nice nice so you don’t take him to the cleaners in the divorce. It is and always will be about him. He was probably waiting for you to die so there wouldn’t have to be a division of assets at all and his mistress was buying into tit, because she would be just as greedy. She is in it for the money and she wants every nickel she can get her hands on, think about that the next time he gives you some crumbs. No younger woman is with an older man unless he has money, he can think whatever he wants but its the truth.
Lawyer up and make his worst nightmare a reality, take everything you are entitled to as quickly and efficiently as you can. Hire the best divorce lawyer possible you need a shark and in my experience, female lawyers are just that. Its hard to face the fact that he isn’t who you thought he was, but most men aren’t. Stay strong, a year from now it will all look different.
While you are taking it slow he is hiding assets, my ex had his brother come up and handed him thousands of dollars unknown to me, cash.
This. This is why he has fooled you into remaining “close.” He doesn’t want to lose money.
That is because HE IS MANIPULATING YOU. omg, I gasped.
Get far away from this monster. YOU moved out!?!? Whose idea was that!? He stays in the home that he obliterated?!?! I don’t want to send you into panic, but you may need to interview more lawyers. Ask around for the sharkiest lawyer in your area. Are you sure mediation is required by your state? — because that is typically a requirement only for child custody issues. CO is one exception, but I don’t know any others.
I’m so pissed on your behalf.
Ballerina,
Leaving the marital home can be construed as abandonment legally. Is there nobody competent and trustworthy advising you? You need a new team stat and get free consultations of lawyers, divorce accountants.
Your FW husband is extra dangerous because he is teamed up with his OW to take you down. I agree with the commenter that they’re likely hoping you’d die.
I am immediately alarmed at the lawyer’s advice, and consider it a huge, waving red flag that says you need a different lawyer. Find someone who will not just facilitate a divorce but is angry on your behalf at your spouse’s deception and who wants to fight for you. I am furious on your behalf! Stories like yours make me wish I’d gotten a law degree instead of a PhD!
I was married to my now-ex for 32 years at his disclosure of his secret sexual basement of long residence, and I understand the post-disclosure feeling of being blindsided, gutted, in need of head-clearing time and space. I also understand the feeling you have when a secret of long standing has been revealed, and the advent of barren hope that now that it’s out, maybe, just maybe, he has freed himself and can be honest with you, which, even if you divorcing, means you perversely feel closer to him and mistakenly believe you can be friends. You’ve probably been hoping for that closeness for many years! I also understand the futile desire to seek comfort from the person who has dealt you the injury. Three decades of marriage will do this to you.
BUT: You have one shot at divorce, and whatever assets you emerge with are going to help fund–maybe to a very large part–your post-divorce life and old age. You can’t afford to “go slow” now. You need your lawyer working on your behalf, and that means that you need to be gathering information and passing that on to your lawyer. Your stbx would be very happy for you to “go slow,” because, as CL says, that gives him time and space to manipulate you into a settlement more favorable to him. Fight now, grieve later.
Fight now grieve later. Okay, I can do that. As many of you have suggested, I will get a new attorney.
Interview several, I made the mistake of choosing a woman only interested in trial level $$$ but the free advice of a few male ones were invaluable
Dear Ballerina Chump,
We are socialized to believe that strong negative emotions are “bad” and to be avoided or overcome. That is a load of unmitigated BS.
Negative emotions are emotions, and all emotions have a purpose. All emotions are good.
I kindly suggest you tap into your emotion of anger. Feel that rage burn! Accept it! Embrace it! It is that anger that will help propel you through the next steps to get you to an equitable divorce.
If you are like me, it felt so odd to be in an adversarial position with my FW during the Separation Agreement stage. It was so hard for me to not put him first. As chumps – this is often our natural orientation.
You need to set aside your natural inclinations to soothe him, appease him, even protect him. This man was and is a monster to you. He is a real threat to your health, sanity and wealth. Treat him like the enemy that he is.
Own your anger. Nurture it and suckle it. Let it propel you through this difficult stage. And please get a lawyer who will savage him as he deserves to be.
Yes to this. To paraphrase the director of the advocacy service I worked for, “Emotions are like colors in a paintbox. Whether any are good or bad all depends on what picture you paint with them.”
So by that token, using rage to, say, liberate oneself or others from danger paints something on the level of Vermeer or Van Gogh while abusers using rage to terrorize and further entrap victims is like a really shitty velvet Elvis.
Besides, I don’t even think anger is an “emotion” per se but more like combination rocket fuel/painkiller which, in the best sense, evolved to propel creatures under attack to safety by temporarily suppressing pain and paralyzing terror or grief with huge jolts of adrenaline and the brain’s natural heroin.
But that’s theoretically why abusers deliberately try to launch themselves into states of manufactured rage: because it makes them feel powerful and even pleasantly stoned. Studies of aggressive men in the throes of abusive rages have found that their heart rates actually go down, not up, which suggests that the are not, in fact, “losing control” but getting off on taking control through rage displays.
But just because terrible people use these states to facilitate evil doesn’t make the states “evil” in themselves. I’ve been in situations where I had to fight to literally survive (such as prosecuting a violent workplace stalker) and there were moments when I and the allies who put themselves in the line of fire to support me were cackling with schadenfreude every time the “bad guys” got theirs. This didn’t make us bad people for allowing ourselves to enter some kind of badass warrior mentality. It just meant we were at war. When the “war” was over, we didn’t end up becoming somehow callous and cruel towards the harmless, probably the reverse.
You’re so right and I wish I never “protected him” from the drunk driving tantrums during our false reconciliation.
Ballerina, I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. Your story is right up there with some of the worst I’ve heard. I can only imagine that you’re trying to hang on to hope right now in order to not lose your mind.
I can relate to some of your story as well. Married thirty years. ExFW had a secret life (no kids that I know about) of sex workers, affairs and even stalking. It took me awhile after the first Dday (there were many) to actually snap out of the fog and realize that he wasn’t worth the fight.
I smartened up and divorced him. Got everything I asked for. Only now, it’s two years post divorce, and he’s suing me. Taking it all away.
Being nice gets you absolutely nothing. It feels scary to do it in the moment. To go no contact. But, it’s for the best. I wish I had gone no contact the moment I hired a lawyer to divorce him. But he was playing nice (charm) and I thought it was a good thing for us to be “friends”. Turns out this “friend” was still playing me. Still plotting behind my back. Working to sue me, forcing me to sell my house and to stop paying me alimony.
Once a FW, always a FW. You can’t trust him. You can’t be nice. You need to go no contact and assume that everything he said and does is a lie. Because it is.
Can you please explain how FW is suing you and taking things back? I’m terrified of something like that but was thinking of suing FW myself for more child support.
In my state ex spouses are allowed to take the other to court to adjust alimony, child support, etc. My exFW doesn’t want to pay alimony anymore so he is claiming financial hardship. What was supposed to be a lifetime of alimony payments (after a 30 year marriage) has turned into less than two years before we’re back in court. FW always gonna FW. I should have known this was coming but, sadly, I’m still stupidly chumpy in many ways.
Four rounds of IVF can cost as much as $120,000 in my state, and that does NOT include some extra fees or the initial workups to determine the cause of fertility problems, which can be several thousand for each partner.
Somehow he hid this from you, unless he conned his insurance company into covering it, which might be fraud since this was not his partner. That’s something your attorney should look into.
If your state requires mediation, don’t delay, other than to get yourself a pitbull or shark of a lawyer. They may be able to use the mediation to get more incriminating info out of your cheater, although my attorney told me that we couldn’t use anything from mediation in court. I don’t know if that was correct or state specific.
You don’t have to face him in mediation and you don’t have to face the judge. At least in my state, my attorney and I were in one room, he and his attorney were in another, and the mediator went back and forth. I doubt there will be much to discuss in your case: he started another family, conceived a child and attempted to conceive another. It seems pretty obvious that the marriage is irreparably broken. And for one session, I believe the mediator spoke only to the attorneys and the attorneys then spoke to us. This might have been the mediation over division of assets.
Best of luck, and don’t let him or your current attorney paralyze you.
I am in a similar boat to yours: 34 years married, 2 adult children, 5 years (that I know of) of strippers and financial waste. Hell, I just found where he was translating into Spanish, for one of the strippers, I assume, “I can’t have more children. I have had a vasectomy.” (Thank god.)
Best advice I have received:
“Process your emotions later. Get all the documents and information you can now.”
Also:
“Get a good lawyer, get a good therapist, get as much money as you can, and get out as quickly as you can.”
Ballerina, get mad.
I hope she’s reading these comments. To add, let me emphasize how absolutely important it is to NOT believe anything your cheater says right now. As I described it once, if he said the sun rose in the east and set in the west, I wouldn’t believe him. Listen to those of us who have been in your shoes. Get a complete STD check and do it again in 6 months.In my state, if your spouse had extramarital unprotected sex and gave you a disease, it’s a crime. Some things take a while to show up. Do extensive forensic financials no matter how you feel about it. I felt guilty until I saw the amount of marital assets that were used and diverted for his “soulmate”. It’s important to identify every single cent that was used for his extra-marital fun. Hotels, food, IVF, all gifts. Like my lawyer dad used to say, follow the money. My attorney told me once to put all my feelings in a box and save them for another day, but during this time, focus on being rational and business-like, totally not how I was feeling, but it helped so much. He also encouraged me to go no contact and he was my gatekeeper so that I wouldn’t be manipulated. Sure, the cheater tried and almost succeeded, but a great therapist and attorney made sure I was protected.
Oh I am extremely sorry,so under this cheater creeps quick sand of lies. Everything. Is. A . Lie. If your husband’s lips are moving, he is lying. In order to break the spell you must go no contact. There is NO OTHER WAY. It is a spell like in magic fog. No other way. Your brain is zapped into HIS BLENDER. For all the money in the world, I would not talk to or go back to my 32 year marriage with my cheater #2 and my cheater #1, no contact for 38 years. These are in your face abusers. In your face. You did not have a 30 year marriage, you had a 30 year SCAM and it’s still going on to this second. Would you stay on the phone with someone who wants your credit card number and 2000$ in gift cards. You are staying on the phone,negotiating with a terrorist..a financial, physical, spiritual terrorist. You might not be strong enough to take the needed steps so delicate to your lawyer, negotiate in separate rooms to help break the spell of 30 years of lies. Therapy as a couple I would never recommend. Would you go to therapy with a scam artist from Russia? Someone who could locate your credit card and financially decimate you?? I am so so sorry but unless you get red hot angry and stand up, this creep will take you down. Keep reading Chump lady abs BELIEVE HER!! I.am the oldest person on this blog who was chumped twice, at least ftom my 2.5 years of being here and 3 years post divorce after 32 years with one cheater. Please believe me, you must move your body, get checked for STDs, negotiating your safety at every step and stop talking to this disgusting liar. He’s a Shakespearean actor and he does not love you. NOT AT ALL.I’m sorry.
Every word of this!
Ballerina I hope you are reading. We all thought we had a long time marriage and it’s traumatic to understand it was all a MIRAGE as CL says.
Another example of a MIRAGE marriage is a greencard marriage, for some to obtain citizenship they’ll advertise secretly and pay a citizen for to pretend for a few years, a transaction for both.
However there are ones that seek to entrap a more devoted partner into a fake “love marriage” while they themselves knew they’re in it to use the person for citizenship and bail when they feel like it. They don’t even pay anything upfront just fake the romance. A distant relative in fact was bragging to my father about this scheme. The chumps here essentially fell into an infidelity version of greencard fake marriage believing it was a a real partnership.
Ballerina do not grieve for someone who never truly loved you. He and OW are DANGEROUS.
Get mad and get even!
Archer, you hit the nail on the head, but what do you call those marriages ( illusions, scams)where the partner bounces if
1. You get cancer
2. Get pregnant
3. Have a baby
4 get sick
5 retire
6 need them for anything!!!
7 have more kids than them for centrality
8 age out
I had one bounce for a 2nd pregnancy and the other bounced after I retired and his dad died leaving him not needing my funding for his unstable job status.
There are a million skeins to untangle but primarily, you are no longe4 of use and ….you need them
Channel Kathleen Kennedy who was married to Arnold and watched his APs son for his entire youth, grow up under her nose.Thats a scam, a pick me dance, a horror show, not a Marriage
And a Happy Holiday season to CL who sticks her neck out for us, and to all of you still here. I love you in a special way that only a Chump could, with my while heart. How did we break away?? God truly was my strength for my mind, but you all were my feet. Thank you🎄🎁💕💗💞💕❤️‼️
Whole ❤️ heart
BC – There is excellent advice in all of the comments here. The only thing I can add is that you should become aware of your two states of mind: the emotional side of you and the reasonable, practical side. Both of these states of mind are valid to you right now, but only the rational side will protect you from future ruin. For now, dedicate your time and brain space to the practical, and protect yourself as if you are being attacked, because you are being attacked. Yes, you are frightened, and knocked off balance, and you can’t shut your emotions down, but you can think clearly throughout. Try techniques like journaling, and learn to focus. For example, if your chore for the day is to gather five years of financial documents (as I had to do- ugh), promise yourself that you will focus on that task and then later, before bedtime or whatever, you will spend 1/2 hour writing in a journal about everything that is in your head. And as time goes on, and you find yourself handling this situation to your own benefit, you will find yourself stronger, capable, confident. You are going through the worst of it now, it won’t always be like this.
Yes, and a friend suggested to me, when you are gathering all those documents (which somehow manages to be both tedious and upsetting), have a time, like 5 o’clock, when you knock off and have an evening free of this crap.
Tedious and upsetting, yes. I found myself crying over 5 year old charge card statements with expenses related to a nice vacation, or a hospital stay. So bizarre when I look back at it, but I felt what I felt at the time.
Never underestimate your enemy. No truer words. Kick that mediation and divorce into high gear. Get it over with asap. Medicate yourself if needed. You need a pit bull lawyer. The longer it goes on the more entitled they get, any guilt and remorse wears off. If you do it early on they are less likely to fight you on every little thing. Otherwise he will dig in his heals. That candlestick holder you got from Aunt Zelda for your 12 yr anniversary? Its now the most important thing to him he will not let it go with out a fight in court. IVF is super expensive. You need to fight for that money. I feel bad for all the kids in that situation. What a FW!
Hi Ballerina Chump:
Please, please be so careful. Your STBX and babymomma would be thrilled if you dropped dead, and second in line in terms of their wishes is that they can bilk you out of everything you are due. I am worried that you are out of the marital home, as you want to be sure you can’t be charged with abandonment…I think the advice from other chumps to seek new counsel is spot on.
The day my stbx told me he wanted a divorce…earlier in the day he, in a therapy session…had demanded we be sexual, which took me off guard because it had been 4 years of sexless marriage. And he snarled it at me, his face contorted with hate. I could not figure out why he wanted sex, and figured it was him trying to humiliate me by sex and then dumping me. But yesterday I leaned that his depriving me of sex is “constructive abandonment” and shows that he abandoned me and the marriage long ago. Had I had sex with him I wouldn’t have been able to claim that.
Please assume everything he says is a lie, any closeness you feel is based on trickery, and treat him like the worst enemy you ever had. Because he is.
How frighteningly cold and calculating. Sleeping with the Enemy
Hi Ballerina, I just wanted to tell you how much I resonate with your feelings of not being ready. It is as if you’ve just been hit by a train and are lying in the ICU and everyone is urging you to try out for the football team. It seems insane. And especially since your ex is the one driving the train, and he’s been planning this for years…
I’ve said this before but it bears repeating. In Dante’s Inferno, the author put people who betrayed those who love and trust them, in the lowest rung of hell, right next to Satan himself. And that seems about right…only because there is no lower rung, of course.
All the excitement advice about dissipating assets I hope Ballerina takes to heart. You’re playing checkers and they’re playing 3D chess.
After jaw dropping price tags for forensic accountants and a free session where I was told that I was going to have to suss out the accounts for them to dig I will tell you it’s a sh*show unless your FW isn’t tech savvy and you grabbed records which is doubtful given you moved out. Wasted 6 months.
Since your FW is rich enough for secretly funding ivf rounds and secret mistress + kid there are probably a lot of assets. Which OW and FW have had ample time to steal for 10 years and destroy the evidence past 6 months.
If tracking down every penny means dragging this out because now the lawyer and accountant love the billable hours it could be detrimental to you. This OW is ruthless and she wants to USURP your place in the marriage and home and live your lifestyle. FW is a monster who is on HER SIDE.
If there’s plenty of money then grab at least half/enough for retirement and run based on good estimate from a financial advisor.
That’s the sh*t sandwich I had to choke down because FW narcopath was clever and actively destroying evidence while stealing, his criminal pregnant escort wanted MY LIFE and he thought about a fatal accident for me.
It would have taken years to track down every penny because of FW active obstruction and cost me my health and sanity as well as $200k in attorneys fees. I estimated the marital theft, got FW to agree to more than 50% during the critical window of guilty feelings and ESCAPED with my life and decent settlement. Didn’t get EVERY penny but enough to keep the home for my children.
It’s horrible but anger and self-preservation guided me.
I don’t mean to sound harsh Ballerina. It’s scary to me what a sitting duck you’ve been, FW and OW have you in their target. A long protracted divorce will make them wish you dead all the more!
Get moving on the divorce immediately! The divorce will take a lot longer than you anticipate. Find a different attorney who wants to make things happen right away. I promise you that you will want the divorce done already before it is done and wish you had filed sooner. HUGS. You can do this!
I’m sorry but I’m not the one who’s going to give you an empathetic reply wrapped in sweetness. I am going to give you a kick in the pants and say “bitch, grow a backbone & stand up for yourself!” Your husband is gone, in his place is some douchey prick. Full stop. Your lawyer needs a fire lit under his ass or be fired! If you’re going to be a helpless wet noodle, then enlist a real life friend/relative who can help you do all the above! Pick yourself up & go! And hugs to you.