Why Can’t I Take the Divorce Slow?
She wants to know why she can’t take the divorce slow? She just had a D-Day after 30 years of marriage and it’s all she can do to get through the day without vomiting.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
Wow. I just discovered your site and spent all weekend reading your posts like it was my own diary! I’m not crazy and I’m not the only one! He’s been acting just like you said: rage, self pity, charm. Apparently I’ve been doing the pick me dance as if I’m the lead ballerina in the Nutcracker.
This summer I discovered my husband of 30 years, 4 grown children, 4 grandchildren, has been carrying on with the Other Woman for over 10 years.
They have a made-on-purpose 5 year old son and tried through 4 rounds of IVF to create a sibling. OW is the same age as our oldest son and my husband will be 80 when this son graduates high school!
I moved out, but only across the street. I have a lawyer who suggested we take it slow for a couple months because our state requires an attempt at mediation and I’m such a sobbing, vomiting mess I can’t even complete a sentence when trying to discuss divorce.
So, you say I need to go no contact. That had never occurred to me. I’ve been hopium/let’s be friends/just confused. Why do I have to do that all at once?
Why can’t I focus on getting through one day?
Then maybe next week get through two days? For some reason I feel emotionally closer to him now than I have been in the last decade of confusion.
Ballerina Chump
***
Dear Ballerina Chump,
You need to go no contact to keep you safe from emotional hallucinations like “I feel emotionally closer to him.”
That’s some serious hopium you’re toking. He is not, and has never been for at least a decade, a safe partner.
You’ve had a monumental shock. Now you’re in the bargaining stage of grief.
You think you could be friends? With the guy who concealed his OTHER FAMILY? For a DECADE?
I know if you think about it for more than a second you want to collapse with grief. How on earth can you onboard the fact that this man lied to your face every day for ten straight years as he was creating children with another woman? And Jesus, what does four rounds of IVF cost? Just the financial theft alone. (Please tell me your lawyer is on this dissipation of marital assets.)
It would make anyone vomit. So instead, you bargain. You think, okay, the marriage is over, but maybe I can salvage something, anything, from this clusterfuck. We could be friends! your addled brain thinks. He isn’t all bad! (He’s a DSM nut cluster, Ballerina.) Anything to avoid that giant wall of pain.
You cannot afford to be paralyzed now. Or underestimate your enemy.
This man has been conspiring against you for TEN YEARS. (That you know of.) It suits him very well to have you disoriented, and better yet, thinking well of him. All the better to manipulate you into a favorable settlement.
I have a lawyer who suggested we take it slow for a couple months because our state requires an attempt at mediation and I’m such a sobbing, vomiting mess I can’t even complete a sentence when trying to discuss divorce.
You won’t be discussing divorce. Your attorney will be representing you. I’m sorry your state requires you to mediate with a sociopath. But a person who concealed their 5 year old child IS NOT AN HONEST BROKER.
I’m not a lawyer, this is not legal advice. This is lived experience from someone who runs a blog with a bazillion stories of mediation with FWs — THEY ARE NOT HONEST BROKERS. Your husband obviously does not have your best interest in mind. I would figure out what you’re legally entitled to, ask for more, and start higher than that. Mediation will probably fail (good) and I prefer your chances with a judge. Let your FW explain the four rounds of IVF with his mistress to his Honor.
If you must attend mediation with a FW, do not sit in the same room as him. Be completely and utterly no contact with this freak. Also it’s okay to change lawyers if you don’t feel like you’re getting proper representation.
Go slow? What is your attorney doing to protect you in the interim? Are you freezing bank accounts and credit? Is there financial discovery? What benefit is it YOU? If you can’t ask those questions without puking, put it in an email.
Get medical help.
Let me repeat, you’re in shock. Summer may have been six months ago, but this is not trauma you bounce back from quickly. You need a support team — get STD tested and consider a sleeping aid temporarily. You need to have your wits about you, and that’s impossible if you’re not sleeping well or eating properly. Exercise to clear your head, even if it’s just walks around the block with a dog.
You’re living in this weird reality where you’re supposed to just recognize your obsolescence. Oh hey, he started a new family with a much younger woman! Exit Stage Left, Granny!
If you leave yourself vulnerable to his rage, charm, self-pity cycle you’re going to feel like the crazy one. His entitlement is so deep, so ingrained — you cannot break that. You will break your brain trying. That’s why no contact is essential. Correct course to HOW DARE HE!
He behaves as if you do not matter and now you must disappear. You matter and you will gladly exit his life WITH ALL YOU ARE OWED. And then some. Because…
HOW DARE HE!
He is the freak here. Sort out your emotions about that later. Right now it’s time to get up and fight.
I just want to know what kind of woman does four rounds of IVF with a married man?
This in itself makes me want to vomit. What a sad, sad creature.
A manipulator who sees babies as 18 year check$. Unfortunately no shortage of dumb old FW whose behavior “reward” this type of skank
A goldigger thats who, she wants as many kids as possible so when he is old and grey he will be cutting her huge cheques every month. Men are so stupid.
A desperate pick-me skank – my ex’s side piece went through in vitro with him. Now he’s an old, fat, alcoholic father of a toddler. Sounds like a slice of heaven…
Take CL’s advice. Get a new lawyer. To the extent possible with options available to you, I would find a woman as close to your age as possible.I switched from a very nice,and experienced well meaning older man to a woman my own age.My entire experience changed for the better.I understand “better” means “least worst” in this ugly painful situation. It will get better and somehow easier to navigate your new normal.I promise.
Amen yes!!!!
Seconded. Something about the legal advice so far is giving me pause (to put it mildly). “Taking it slow” gives him even more time to manipulate the finances, hide the lies, etc. etc. He’s already got a 10-year jump.
Yes!!!!
BC,
I’m in the “Get a new lawyer” camp too.
LFTT
So agree with CL! Don’t lie down sis. Fight, fight, fight!
I’m so sorry, Ballerina Chump. Nobody deserves this level of betrayal. I know it’s absolutely impossible to understand how this person is capable of this level of abuse. It’s like being hit repeatedly over the head with a FW-shaped hammer.
My D-Day was June this year. A 24 year relationship two amazing children, good jobs, nice home, holidays abroad – on paper, we had everything anyone could want in life. But it just wasn’t good enough for him. Apparently, he deserved more. Whilst me and our daughters deserved less.
I say the following not out of jealousy, but to try to get you into fight mode – be thankful that you are in a position to have something to fight for (i.e. marital assets). My biggest regret is never marrying my FW. In England, a 24 year common law partnership means absolutely zero. We may as well be strangers who never met, according to law. I’m entitled to absolutely nothing (other than Child Maintenance). So me and my young children (7 and 12) will lose our home. It’s unlikely I’ll ever be able to buy again on my own. I’ll have no spousal maintenance, no claim to his pension, nothing that would come my way if we had married. Just half the equity of our house, which is very little as we bought comparatively late in life.
I know you want to just curl up and die – but you have to fight for your future self. Even if you think nothing matters anymore, that feeling will slowly ease, I promise. Think of it this way, whatever more he takes from you now, will go to the OW. Surely that’s enough to get angry. Make sure you trust your lawyer, and hopefully you can step back and let them take the reins.
Take care of yourself. Sending hugs.
What an awful situation. Maybe that’s why I have always instinctively side-eyed fathers who proclaim marriage is just a piece of paper and often get their partners to parrot this. Felt like brainwashing
You get left holding the bag of air. Never settle , never
So sorry Tranquil…. 😔 … that’s BackwardAF laws in The Motherland. Hugs to you too.
It really is – no idea what the laws are in the US or elsewhere if you’re not married, but totally archaic here and most people still don’t realise how black and white it is. But it’s also a sign of how secure I felt in our relationship that I just didn’t think marrying him was necessary (was almost smug about it – don’t I feel like the village idiot now!). I never believed he could throw me and our kids under the bus, but sure enough, separated 6 months and he won’t pay any more than he legally has to despite the fact he can afford to.
I keep wondering if he has made a will and left everything he owns to AP? Can you imagine that – if he died, I’d be in the ridiculous position of being joint owners of a house with the AP. That must happen more than we imagine!
Oh my word Ballerina Chump, hugs coming your way. You will be in complete shock – not only an OW, but for at least a DECADE?!! AND an Other Child ?!! AND IVF?!! That’s a complete mindf*ck! My eyebrows are still hitting my hairline! What a horrible thing to do this to you and your family.
I remember when I was trying to “be your best self” as the therapist said (aka The Pick Me Dance) and being brighter and cooking a nicer dinner and tidying better… and so STBXH was brigther too because life was grand for him with her at work and me at home, and I too felt closer emotionally… because I thought he was finally connecting with me and making an effort and that we had had a big wake up call and it got us holding on to our marriage for dear life. Nup. Turned out it was just me holding on for dear life. Your husband has completely disrespected you. In multiple ways over thousands of days. Don’t trust that you have an emotional connection with him. Listen to CL. She has your best interests at heart more than your STBX. Thank goodness you had the where withal to find this site! That’s some mighty right there Ballerina Chump. Believe in you. X
Hugs to you.
PS. And peace and goodwill to CN on this special day, my nine month D-Day anniversary (woop woop! Not…). With love and thanks.
Ugh! Your post brought me right back to wreckoncilliation where our marriage therapist told me to “be more feminine”. I was already the cook, the housecleaner, the nanny, the teacher (I homeschooled my children), how much more feminine could I get?!. It was infuriating and all it did was make me fall more into PickMe mode. Gross!!! What the therapist meant was for me to let him “lead the household”. Um…excuse me? Finally I came to my senses and kicked that mfer to the curb.
Good Lord how old was this therapist? Many decades ago it was de rigueur to blame the woman for everything, but I thought those days were gone.
Your story reminds me of “The Handmaid’s Tale” where you were the wife, the Martha, and the Handmaid all in one. And then you are told that, regardless of your responsibilities and position in the household, you have no power. “The Handmaid’s Tale”: NOT an instruction manual. (Full disclosure, I never read the book and am in the middle of the tv series right now.)
Nothing makes me want to wear combat boots more than being told to be fEmInInE.
Kismet comment this morning HOAC! As I posted to MollyWobbles above just now, I am in the middle of watching “The Handmaid’s Tale”, and just last night I was puzzling over the costume choice to dress the handmaids in what look like WWI combat boots, under the feminine red dress and white cap and “wings”. Your comment gives food for thought. The Handmaids are certainly at war with their captors.
ChumpLady is right. My ex was newly retired, and I hadn’t worked full-time in 20+ years. You have to kick off a plan with multiple professionals. The momentum of that will help you overall. I had an attorney who became like a big brother to me. In my case, he implemented what he called “appropriate shock-and-awe.” He also told me to go no contact because I was messing with things, so I agreed. He handled everything and gave me a lot of life advice along the way. I had a therapist and a life transitions coach. I went on anti-anxiety meds that also helped me sleep.
And yes, there was life after my wreck of a marriage. I got a fair, reasonably good settlement. I’m happily single, and our now-adult kids are doing great. They joined me in no-contact and have remained so. I haven’t heard from my ex in three years now.
Do not, do not, do not take it slow with moving toward protecting your financial future via the best possible divorce settlement you can achieve for yourself. I agree with others who have suggested you might want to change lawyers — I paid for one-hour consultations with two different women lawyers and went with the one who told me to be strategic and move quickly while my FW was still feeling guilty about his newly revealed affair. I am close to your age, with two adult kids and 20+ years of marriage, so lots of shared assets and not a long timeline to earn future income. It hurt like hell to move so quickly through the legal phase when I, too, was not sleeping and was worried I might self-harm — but I divorced the FW in five months, and he stupidly agreed to an 80/20 split of assets in my favor (I did not spell out to him that the agreement was an 80/20 split; he never got a lawyer and just went with what my lawyer and I meekly suggested). I am happiest that I was able to stay in our beloved house, even though I had to pay him half the home equity we had built up (our mortgage was almost paid off when he secretly packed up all his things and left while I was away on a trip, then smugly revealed his affair).
The emotional weight of all this did eventually come crashing down on me, and I am still processing all that happened, 2+ years post-Dday — but I am here to attest that getting your legal and financial ducks in a row as quickly as possible can pay off in the long run, as much as it hurts and feels absolutely hellish to go through in the moment. Take care of your health, including mental health — I agree with taking a mild sleep aid if needed, because you need your wits about you right now. Stay strong.
I don’t know of course, but it seems like BallerinaChump’s STBX manipulated her into moving out of her home? Get. a. pitbull. lawyer.
Wow you rocked the divorce settlement! You can and should be proud. Go you.
What a git he was – smug and spineless… that would have been devastating to come home to an empty home 😔
Thanks and yes, it was brutal — I wouldn’t wish it on anyone; I was in total shock. When people (former in-laws, Switzerland friends, or clueless bystanders) ask me why I don’t want to be friends with him now, I remember the heartlessness of that moment. No contact is definitely the only way to heal, although it is still a long process.
FW narcopath lied during the mediation. Kept on spending during the divorce and lying about it.
Every word Tracy wrote to you is gold. It feels like this can’t be happening, an alien must have taken over your husband’s body or he has a brain tumor! Nope he’s the enemy combatant and you don’t want to face it.
Slow divorces are usually highly painful and stressful. It’s also giving him the opportunity to destroy evidence. If you are way past retirement age and FW is dying I would understand dragging it out so you can inherit it all. However your FW has an OW who is an active accomplice and they’d both love for you to keel over penniless.
We’ve been there ourselves and the trauma is unbearable at times because your reality has been destroyed. I invested nearly 30 years with a narcissistic sociopath and it is so disorienting not only to me even friends and neighbors who support me are at times astounded at the extent of FW secret double life.
Be careful of therapists find one who gets this is abuse and trauma.
You cannot be “friends” with a sociopathic abuser. The day I realized FW was thinking of a fatal accident for me, was the day I realized that he was a monster I should fear and fight like hell to escape from. Lawyers also said the guilt usually only lasts 3-9 months during which they’re more amenable to a decent settlement.
It’s deeply unfair but you must clear your head and fight! For yourself your children and grandkids if that helps motivate you. Imagine you are Russell Crowe’s character in Gladiator. Fight or die.
Amplifying your point that her FW has an active accomplice in the OW. OW has motivation in the form of that child to make sure FW gets as much as he can. It’s crucial that Ballerina shore up her defenses and go on the offense.
Yes, act now as the amenability and guilt does wear off… for me it’s gone from him saying I can have the house (for stability for the boys and me) and how “easy” rental apartment living is, to then wanting a percentage of proceeds whenever I sell the house (which has taken two more months of lawyering), to now missing having a nice house and being well set up (regret). We are now at the nine month post D-Day mark… a few more days and we should be all signed off…
CL is so right: course correct to HOW DARE HE.
If you can set aside the grief and compartmentalize for a moment, look at this objectively as if it were happening to a friend. You would be in shock at how egregious the situation is and you would immediately go into HOW DARE HE mode.
Put on that HOW DARE HE facade and let it be your mantra and your superpower. You took your ‘til death do us part’ vow seriously and death would have been deserving of grief. But deception calls for immediate and righteous anger. Let those words work for you.
(PS. I was ready to write a memoir because the things my ex did were so shocking. I found CL and came to realize it’s just regular, run of the mill stuff. So sorry it’s happened to you.)
How Dare He! That was not in my vocabulary until now. I will tape it to the bathroom mirror.
Dear Ballerina – I also left a 30 year marriage. The affair with his best friend’s wife/widow may have gone on for years. I relocated five blocks away, took six months to make final move and another year to file (during pandemic).
I lost 30 pounds in two months. I worked full time and pulled together a wreckconciliation getaway. He continued the affair. I had to tell our families.
There is nothing positive that can come out of contact with him. The longer you delay filing could jeopardize your fair settlement, so listen to your lawyer.
In retrospect, I should have seen a trauma therapist. Talk to your PCP about your physical symptoms. Consider protein drinks.
Get a walking buddy or two. Write in a journal to document the chaos. Volunteer with a cause that matters to you.
It takes years to heal, but you should move forward everyday starting now.
“The longer you delay filing could jeopardize your fair settlement, so listen to your –NEW- lawyer.” Current lawyer is advising delay, so shop around, Ballerina.
Yes – defintely look for lawyer who will protect Chump’s well being.
Ballerina, I don’t understand why you’re the one who left the marital home. Get a new lawyer and ask about taking it back, preferably without notice. You need access to all of his and your financial records and other documentation he may have there. I don’t know how you found out about the more recent four rounds of IVF but there may have been more to conceive his current child. Has he been supporting her all this time? Also theft of marital assets.
You’re in shock and after decades of marriage, and it’s normal to want your partner of decades to continue to support you emotionally. With a little time and perspective, you will probably see him much differently. And quite likely discover that what you now know is just trickle truth of him admitting to what you know or suspect. You may find he had other APs previously or even currently. Most of us here have been shocked by discovery, then over time discovered even more misdeeds than we can imagine.
I don’t know what kind of people can try to conceive while at least one of them is married to someone else. I think there’s a question of medical ethics here too, although they probably lied to the medical provider who did the IVF. Since those are HER medical records, you should try to get copies of his checking, debit and credit card statements, which may show what he paid for this, and other expenses related to his other family.
Ballerina, I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Ballerina, This is not time to take things slow!!!! You need to make sure you get an aggressive lawyer and possibly a forensic accountant (ask e how I know). This guy has totally violated your trust for over 10 years (that you know of). He is dissipating money like there is no tomorrow. You have to act now!!! If that means a pitbull lawyer then by all means. I tried the pick me dancing and the RIC for 60 days but I could not see why I should take the accountability for FW being a serial cheater. That ended rather quickly because I decided it was time for a fight for my future!!!!
I hired a great attorney and a forensic accountant since I found that FW was sending Schmoopie a lot of money each month. I eventually became so good with the accounting piece that it was not funny. This is no longer about fighting for the friendship of a FW (because people who lie, cheat and steal are not friendship material). I went no contact and anything that he tried to communicate with me was met a a very simple response of “you will have to go through the attorney with that”. Yep, he took almost everything through the attorney until he discovered that they bill in six minute increments and that can be expensive!
I won’t tell you that this will be easy because I had to fight for almost two years. Finally, the court ordered a settlement conference which was presided over by a retired judge. It was just like a trial would have been. I was able to sit in a separate room with my lawyer as the judge went from room to room. FW tried everything he could do accuse me of cheating, dissipating assets and anything else he could think of but could offer no proof. Fortunately, my side had our act together and we showed evidence of everything (thanks FW for not being tech savvy and letting everything save to the family cloud drive). We had receipts for travel, monthly payments, vacation and other stuff. We showed his home grown porn with Schmoopie as well. Finally because FW had so many lies, he tracked them on a spreadsheet because he evidently experienced problems with remembering what he had told and to him he had told what story. The retired judge was very happy with our organization and collection of evidence and told FW and his attorney that he would advise settling or it would probably get worse for them at trial (perjury, etc.). FW raged but within a couple of days settled for everything I had asked for including a complete lump some payment of the money he had dissipated on Schmoopie. This left him a very sad sausage but there was still ample money left that he could support Schmoopie after the divorce.
I got an excellent settlement and was able to purchase and pay for a cute townhome in a gated community. I have an excellent relationship with my son (he is NC with FW). I have great former Chump boyfriend and a few very close authentic, true friends. I was also able to retire this year and have a secure future. Ballerina, please secure your future before FW can blow through all your assets. I know it is hard but this is your future that is at stake. It is rough and it seems like a long uphill battle but you can do this!!!!! Life is better on the other side. I have been divorced for just over three years now and everything is peaceful. You will get there. Just get through this period and you can really heal once it is finished. It sucks right now, so get the help you need (therapy, meds or whatever it takes). You can do this!!! Just be strong. Your first steps needs to be no contact (this will give you some relief). Good luck!!!!
Dear Ballerina Chump,
I think you might be dancing in “The Red Shoes” more than the Nutcracker. But I like the imagery of the latter because it’s certainly time to crack some nuts– get into your predatory inner beast mode and take no prisoners. But to allow this life-saving mental and emotional transition to happen, you’ll need to get out of the mind-fuck range of this psychopath. So I’m with the others who are recommending changing lawyers. You need an experienced pit bull who understands the stakes here, who knows how psychopaths roll and will support you getting out of his orbit. It sounds like your current lawyer is one of those types who believe that infidelity is not a form of domestic abuse, otherwise they couldn’t possibly have given such dangerous advice.
I also recommend finding a therapist trained in coercive control because I’m 1000% sure that your hopefully soon-to-be-ex has been conditioning you heavily– Pavlovian random reward and punishment style, aka “frog-boiling”– since the beginning in order to paralyze your agency, prune your self esteem and ensure you “put no god before him.”
So in order to get those cursed red shoes off your feet, I think you need to be surrounded by people who put ALL the blame on the abuser and ZERO on you, the victim, at this moment. Unfortunately, as CL and CN were discussing several weeks ago, most traditionally trained therapists apply the “family systems” approach to domestic abuse where the responsibility is split between both parties. This “takes two to tango” view of abuse is not only outdated but scientifically debunked and is typically disastrous (which is why it’s against the law in some states for state-funded therapy practices to apply it but sadly remains dirt common in private practice). This is why I think only those versed in coercive control really understand how the most skilled abusers operate and how they can turn formerly perfectly normal, healthy individuals into a terrified shells of themselves without even raising their fists.
The Psychology Today website has state-by-state lists of therapists according to specialty. Also coercive control expert Dr. Christine Cocchiola’s network has a state-by-state list of therapists she personally trained around the country. Personally I think this is a reassuring therapeutic “bloodline” because Dr. Cocciola was trained by the late, great Dr. Evan Stark who is the author of many books and academic studies on coercive control and one of the spearheads of the original shelter movement as well as the global movement to criminalize coercive control. She and others in her network can also perform “coaching” rather than therapy which allows them to practice outside the states where they reside. Either way, people with this background are trained to understand and help deprogram from the kind of Jedi-level psychological and emotional abuse you’re being subjected to. For instance, people with this training wouldn’t be surprised at all that the same abuser who seems to be callously discarding you today may be stalking you and clinging to your windowsill vowing vengeance tomorrow.
A tip for interviewing lawyers is to find out what their usual retainer is before you ask them if they’re trained in coercive control because lawyers will often raise the retainer if “coercive control” or other forms of abuse are mentioned. This is because coercively controlling abusers will almost invariably engage in post-separation abuse and make things contentious if not dangerous. So in order to keep your initial costs down as you get your money ducks in a row, get the numbers first before you get into too much detail about what you’re dealing with.
It’s always darkest before the dawn when first breaking free of abuse so I hope you stick around forums like this to get support and surround yourself with people who can remind you how much better it is on the other side. Wishing you strength, safety and peace.
I’ve had a therapist for a few years now who does family systems therapy. I will follow your suggestion to find a new therapist. I don’t feel like I have anything in me to fight with but you all are telling me the lawyer should do the fighting for me. Guess I gotta get a new lawyer too. Uggh. Ok.
He is playing all nice nice so you don’t take him to the cleaners in the divorce. It is and always will be about him. He was probably waiting for you to die so there wouldn’t have to be a division of assets at all and his mistress was buying into tit, because she would be just as greedy. She is in it for the money and she wants every nickel she can get her hands on, think about that the next time he gives you some crumbs. No younger woman is with an older man unless he has money, he can think whatever he wants but its the truth.
Lawyer up and make his worst nightmare a reality, take everything you are entitled to as quickly and efficiently as you can. Hire the best divorce lawyer possible you need a shark and in my experience, female lawyers are just that. Its hard to face the fact that he isn’t who you thought he was, but most men aren’t. Stay strong, a year from now it will all look different.
While you are taking it slow he is hiding assets, my ex had his brother come up and handed him thousands of dollars unknown to me, cash.
This. This is why he has fooled you into remaining “close.” He doesn’t want to lose money.
That is because HE IS MANIPULATING YOU. omg, I gasped.
Get far away from this monster. YOU moved out!?!? Whose idea was that!? He stays in the home that he obliterated?!?! I don’t want to send you into panic, but you may need to interview more lawyers. Ask around for the sharkiest lawyer in your area. Are you sure mediation is required by your state? — because that is typically a requirement only for child custody issues. CO is one exception, but I don’t know any others.
I’m so pissed on your behalf.
Ballerina,
Leaving the marital home can be construed as abandonment legally. Is there nobody competent and trustworthy advising you? You need a new team stat and get free consultations of lawyers, divorce accountants.
Your FW husband is extra dangerous because he is teamed up with his OW to take you down. I agree with the commenter that they’re likely hoping you’d die.
I am immediately alarmed at the lawyer’s advice, and consider it a huge, waving red flag that says you need a different lawyer. Find someone who will not just facilitate a divorce but is angry on your behalf at your spouse’s deception and who wants to fight for you. I am furious on your behalf! Stories like yours make me wish I’d gotten a law degree instead of a PhD!
I was married to my now-ex for 32 years at his disclosure of his secret sexual basement of long residence, and I understand the post-disclosure feeling of being blindsided, gutted, in need of head-clearing time and space. I also understand the feeling you have when a secret of long standing has been revealed, and the advent of barren hope that now that it’s out, maybe, just maybe, he has freed himself and can be honest with you, which, even if you divorcing, means you perversely feel closer to him and mistakenly believe you can be friends. You’ve probably been hoping for that closeness for many years! I also understand the futile desire to seek comfort from the person who has dealt you the injury. Three decades of marriage will do this to you.
BUT: You have one shot at divorce, and whatever assets you emerge with are going to help fund–maybe to a very large part–your post-divorce life and old age. You can’t afford to “go slow” now. You need your lawyer working on your behalf, and that means that you need to be gathering information and passing that on to your lawyer. Your stbx would be very happy for you to “go slow,” because, as CL says, that gives him time and space to manipulate you into a settlement more favorable to him. Fight now, grieve later.
Fight now grieve later. Okay, I can do that. As many of you have suggested, I will get a new attorney.
Dear Ballerina Chump,
We are socialized to believe that strong negative emotions are “bad” and to be avoided or overcome. That is a load of unmitigated BS.
Negative emotions are emotions, and all emotions have a purpose. All emotions are good.
I kindly suggest you tap into your emotion of anger. Feel that rage burn! Accept it! Embrace it! It is that anger that will help propel you through the next steps to get you to an equitable divorce.
If you are like me, it felt so odd to be in an adversarial position with my FW during the Separation Agreement stage. It was so hard for me to not put him first. As chumps – this is often our natural orientation.
You need to set aside your natural inclinations to soothe him, appease him, even protect him. This man was and is a monster to you. He is a real threat to your health, sanity and wealth. Treat him like the enemy that he is.
Own your anger. Nurture it and suckle it. Let it propel you through this difficult stage. And please get a lawyer who will savage him as he deserves to be.
Ballerina, I am so sorry for everything you are going through right now. Your story is right up there with some of the worst I’ve heard. I can only imagine that you’re trying to hang on to hope right now in order to not lose your mind.
I can relate to some of your story as well. Married thirty years. ExFW had a secret life (no kids that I know about) of sex workers, affairs and even stalking. It took me awhile after the first Dday (there were many) to actually snap out of the fog and realize that he wasn’t worth the fight.
I smartened up and divorced him. Got everything I asked for. Only now, it’s two years post divorce, and he’s suing me. Taking it all away.
Being nice gets you absolutely nothing. It feels scary to do it in the moment. To go no contact. But, it’s for the best. I wish I had gone no contact the moment I hired a lawyer to divorce him. But he was playing nice (charm) and I thought it was a good thing for us to be “friends”. Turns out this “friend” was still playing me. Still plotting behind my back. Working to sue me, forcing me to sell my house and to stop paying me alimony.
Once a FW, always a FW. You can’t trust him. You can’t be nice. You need to go no contact and assume that everything he said and does is a lie. Because it is.
Four rounds of IVF can cost as much as $120,000 in my state, and that does NOT include some extra fees or the initial workups to determine the cause of fertility problems, which can be several thousand for each partner.
Somehow he hid this from you, unless he conned his insurance company into covering it, which might be fraud since this was not his partner. That’s something your attorney should look into.
If your state requires mediation, don’t delay, other than to get yourself a pitbull or shark of a lawyer. They may be able to use the mediation to get more incriminating info out of your cheater, although my attorney told me that we couldn’t use anything from mediation in court. I don’t know if that was correct or state specific.
You don’t have to face him in mediation and you don’t have to face the judge. At least in my state, my attorney and I were in one room, he and his attorney were in another, and the mediator went back and forth. I doubt there will be much to discuss in your case: he started another family, conceived a child and attempted to conceive another. It seems pretty obvious that the marriage is irreparably broken. And for one session, I believe the mediator spoke only to the attorneys and the attorneys then spoke to us. This might have been the mediation over division of assets.
Best of luck, and don’t let him or your current attorney paralyze you.
I am in a similar boat to yours: 34 years married, 2 adult children, 5 years (that I know of) of strippers and financial waste. Hell, I just found where he was translating into Spanish, for one of the strippers, I assume, “I can’t have more children. I have had a vasectomy.” (Thank god.)
Best advice I have received:
“Process your emotions later. Get all the documents and information you can now.”
Also:
“Get a good lawyer, get a good therapist, get as much money as you can, and get out as quickly as you can.”
Ballerina, get mad.
I hope she’s reading these comments. To add, let me emphasize how absolutely important it is to NOT believe anything your cheater says right now. As I described it once, if he said the sun rose in the east and set in the west, I wouldn’t believe him. Listen to those of us who have been in your shoes. Get a complete STD check and do it again in 6 months.In my state, if your spouse had extramarital unprotected sex and gave you a disease, it’s a crime. Some things take a while to show up. Do extensive forensic financials no matter how you feel about it. I felt guilty until I saw the amount of marital assets that were used and diverted for his “soulmate”. It’s important to identify every single cent that was used for his extra-marital fun. Hotels, food, IVF, all gifts. Like my lawyer dad used to say, follow the money. My attorney told me once to put all my feelings in a box and save them for another day, but during this time, focus on being rational and business-like, totally not how I was feeling, but it helped so much. He also encouraged me to go no contact and he was my gatekeeper so that I wouldn’t be manipulated. Sure, the cheater tried and almost succeeded, but a great therapist and attorney made sure I was protected.
Oh I am extremely sorry,so under this cheater creeps quick sand of lies. Everything. Is. A . Lie. If your husband’s lips are moving, he is lying. In order to break the spell you must go no contact. There is NO OTHER WAY. It is a spell like in magic fog. No other way. Your brain is zapped into HIS BLENDER. For all the money in the world, I would not talk to or go back to my 32 year marriage with my cheater #2 and my cheater #1, no contact for 38 years. These are in your face abusers. In your face. You did not have a 30 year marriage, you had a 30 year SCAM and it’s still going on to this second. Would you stay on the phone with someone who wants your credit card number and 2000$ in gift cards. You are staying on the phone,negotiating with a terrorist..a financial, physical, spiritual terrorist. You might not be strong enough to take the needed steps so delicate to your lawyer, negotiate in separate rooms to help break the spell of 30 years of lies. Therapy as a couple I would never recommend. Would you go to therapy with a scam artist from Russia? Someone who could locate your credit card and financially decimate you?? I am so so sorry but unless you get red hot angry and stand up, this creep will take you down. Keep reading Chump lady abs BELIEVE HER!! I.am the oldest person on this blog who was chumped twice, at least ftom my 2.5 years of being here and 3 years post divorce after 32 years with one cheater. Please believe me, you must move your body, get checked for STDs, negotiating your safety at every step and stop talking to this disgusting liar. He’s a Shakespearean actor and he does not love you. NOT AT ALL.I’m sorry.
Channel Kathleen Kennedy who was married to Arnold and watched his APs son for his entire youth, grow up under her nose.Thats a scam, a pick me dance, a horror show, not a Marriage
And a Happy Holiday season to CL who sticks her neck out for us, and to all of you still here. I love you in a special way that only a Chump could, with my while heart. How did we break away?? God truly was my strength for my mind, but you all were my feet. Thank you🎄🎁💕💗💞💕❤️‼️
Whole ❤️ heart