Women Regrets Divorcing Her Cheating Husband After Watching New Fatal Attraction

Amanda Platell
Amanda Platell’s wedding day. Photo source: Daily Mail

I really can’t handle this much patriarchal, reconciliation bullshit before breakfast. The Daily Mail reports that Amanda Platell (whoever that is) regrets leaving her cheating husband. She was triggered by the Fatal Attraction remake.

Yes, they remade Fatal Attraction. Because nothing makes a marriage stronger than murdering the affair partner. That evil vixen! How dare she make my husband’s dick wander! 

Spoiler alert: In the original, and in the remake — the Gallaghers stay together. And isn’t that what’s important? Pledging allegiance to the man whose fuckbuddy kidnapped your child, stalked your family, and tried to stab you to death?

Some men just bring flowers. Dan Gallagher gives sociopaths. (And probably clap.) But hey, Alex is dead and he CHOSE YOU, Beth!

I cannot with Fatal Attraction. I’m trying to steel myself to watch the remake so I can snark here. But apparently Amanda has gone all weak in the knees for it.

Reader, she was once a frizzy-haired, ball-busting career woman in the 1980s. You know, like Alex, Glenn Close’s bunny boiler. Only poor Amanda was the chump. Lesson learned: never be a career woman.

She threw the cheater out, because… the 80s.

That’s what strong women of my generation did. We were bold, we were uncompromising. Back then, we all believed an affair was marriage-ending.

But were we right, or even wise, in taking that decision, when so much was at stake? Should an affair inevitably end a marriage?

Looking back more than three decades on, I wish my reaction hadn’t been so vengeful.

Right. Because boundaries are vengeful. And cheating is what? Oh just what men do, you silly goose.

I wish I had tried to remember the joyful day we wed, how much we loved each other. How, as my long gossamer bride’s veil wafted up into the blue sky in a gust of wind, I took it as a blessing from the heavens for a long and happy life together.

Had I been able to see in shades of grey rather than black and white, I might have responded differently. And I would not have changed the locks.

Boundaries are vengeful and fucking around on your partner is a fuzzy grey area. An unfortunate smudge on a blessing from heaven. You stupid girl, you changed the locks! Why can’t you be more like BETH, huh?

That’s what got me wondering if my pride had got in the way of a possible reconciliation. I had long been deaf to my husband’s pleas that my working around the clock made him feel abandoned, unheard and unseen. His adoring mistress, he later admitted, made him feel validated, like a man again.

Yes, the only way men feel like men is if women don’t work. And adore them all the time.

You and your pride, Amanda. Does Beth have pride? No, she does not. But what she does have is her husband. Who, okay, brought a homicidal maniac into the family. But let’s not be black and white about this. Schmoopie is dead. And if you’re not prepared to kill for your cheating husband, I don’t think you’re sufficiently committed.

At the time, everyone took sides. But now, as the new version is released, women find themselves in a different place.

What we have learnt is that it takes not three but just two to end a marriage, when partners stop seeing and nurturing each other. (Guilty as charged.)

What we’ve learnt is that if your husband cheats on you, it’s your fault. Oh hey, isn’t this the same misogyny from before? No?

But over time I did start to take him for granted. Whatever possessed me to think that a hot young guy would be happy for me to work non-stop and arrive home exhausted when his mistress, with her little job, could be at the bar by 6pm, all doe-eyed and adoring?

I have come to see that we stilettoed warrior women of the Eighties weren’t as strong as we seemed (and believed ourselves) to be. Every day we put on our armour to present an impenetrable front to the world, to be perfect, impervious. ‘Weakness’ of any sort — a tear in the eye — was considered career-ending.

Be the adoring barfly with the crap job, Ladies. Stillettoed warrior women never win! And their feet hurt.

It took me six months to tell my parents that my marriage had broken down.

Such was the shame, my Catholic mum swore me to secrecy when I went back to Australia. I was the first Platell ever to get divorced.

Your husband’s dick wanders and the Catholic shame is yours, Amanda? This didn’t strike you as kinda fucked up? Did your husband live under a black cloud of shame? Oh right, he’s at the bar being adored. You miss this. Huh.

I contrast my experience with that of female friends who stuck it out with a cheating husband. They are still bruised by the betrayal but genuinely happy they stayed the distance and, as one said, ‘saw off the mistress trying to steal my life’.

Another, after her husband left to live with his mistress, pursued a calm, calculated strategy. When they met to hand over the children, she was charming, smiling, looking casually gorgeous and glad to see him. No accusations, no tantrums, no rush for the divorce lawyers. She then had an affair with her own husband behind his mistress’s back — and within six months he was back with his wife and children.

THE PICK ME DANCE CAN BE WON. Stay in the game, women! Win fuckwit prizes!

Yes, husbands come back and they stay back and they never cheat again. Magic gumdrops cure antibiotic resistant gonorrhea! And unicorns frolic in the forest. Good girls never have tantrums. Bad, bad consequences are for stiletto-heeled career women whose vaginas shrivel up and are never loved again.

Now, these are not decisions many betrayed women would or could pursue, but at least today’s wronged wives find it easier to see they have a choice. In the end we’re all the same. We all have hearts that can be broken . . . but they can also be mended.

In fact, I would argue that thanks to feminism, women are now more likely to stay with their man and try to work it out. We no longer see ourselves as powerless in deciding the fate of our marriages, our children’s happiness, our own future.

Feminism’s like:

As for my marriage, after a very bitter divorce, we saw each other a couple of times but it was too painful for us both. He moved abroad; I met a lovely man, got engaged and moved on.

I have never set eyes on my ex-husband since. We had an email exchange a couple of years ago in which I said it wasn’t just him, it was me too who broke our marriage. We put some pain to rest, we forgave each other.

Lovely man can never hold a candle to the guy who cheated on you because you work too much. I’m so glad the cheater could forgive you for neglecting his dick by working past 6 p.m. It’s important to own that.

Okay, I need a shower now. Or a re-education camp. Or something.

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FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago

Oh dear god. I can’t believe I just had to read this line:

She then had an affair with her own husband behind his mistress’s back — and within six months he was back with his wife and children.

WTF? When I found out my husband was fucking strange for most of our 25 year marriage, that he’d been watching porn, going to sex clubs, buying hookers and then finally ‘had’ to have a permanent girlfriend because, you know, it’s just easier than all that whoring around- the last thing on my mind was trying to feel like a cheater myself by getting in on the action and trying to fuck my

HeReallyDoesSuck
HeReallyDoesSuck
1 year ago

Sounds like Fuckface…so friggen gross. How he didn’t give me an incurable STI is nothing short of miraculous, FFS. They are evil sociopathic monsters.

Guest Chump
Guest Chump
1 year ago

Same! Me and FW were having regular unprotected sex while he was having an affair because we were trying for a baby 🤦‍♀️
I THANK THE LORD GOD ALMIGHTY that I didn’t catch an STI. It truly was a miracle and I’m also thankful I never had a baby with him.

I just don’t understand these APs do they really think their boyfriend was not sleeping with his wife?? They are completely deluded.

Anyway, glad he’s gone from my life, they can have each other those two FWs.

All a Blur
All a Blur
1 year ago

So she cheated on herself?

Allright — back later. Gonna go back my car out forwards and run some errands.

Jewel
Jewel
1 year ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

When I read this article first thing in the Daily Mail, I just HAD to comment. Specially as Amanda was a journalist, did newspaper reviews on political shows, and currently is a regular on a late-night political show, often defending women’s rights! That’s why I couldn’t believe she actually thinks this way re her cheating ex-husband!

Seasoned chump
Seasoned chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

This is what Michelle Weiner-Davis, author of Divorce Busting peddles. Admittedly after D-Day #1, I tried it and it worked (make your spouse see that his wife and family are the better option aka ‘Pick ME’)!! I thought I had won a unicorn! But it didn’t last 2 years and he was right back at it again, this time with a different schmoops. I had wasted 2 more years of my precious life for what? Killing myself with marriage policing, trying to be the ‘perfect’ wife …generously giving him everything he ever wanted and felt he deserved (lots of sex, man toys, etc). It was exhausting. I learned 2 things: 1) I had rewarded his FW behavior, and 2) once your spouse cheats and betrays you the 1st time. Chumps can ‘pretend’ they are happy and all, but the marriage will NEVER be the same. You can genuinely forgive, but the TRUST is GONE. You will get shit on again, not if but when…. New Chumps, please don’t fall for it!!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
1 year ago
Reply to  Seasoned chump

Seasoned Chump-Amen and hear! Hear! Been there, done all that. The cheater won the FW lottery, when we ‘forgive’ and try to ‘save our family’. Of course the cheat again. It was so fun the first few times, and there were no consequences! Naked pick me dancing is so humiliating, ugh! Cut straight to the divorce lawyer, save yourself!

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Seasoned chump

I forgave my ex after D-Day 1, but I knew in my gut that I couldn’t trust him. So I snooped, and 4 years later found probable evidence of another affair. I tricked him into admitting it when I told him I got an anonymous call ratting him out. (To this day, he doesn’t know I duped him into a confession.) After D-Day 2, I couldn’t see a lifetime of marriage policing (and more affairs) after that and so I divorced him. But it took me years (wasted years) of self-doubt and regret before I got to meh. This was long before Chump Lady and Chump Nation, which I have no doubt could have helped me move on far more quickly.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago

Oops- fuck my own husband and try to steal him from his new relationship. I cannot get my head around this mindfuckery.

JA
JA
1 year ago

That is a whole new level of self-degradation they’re talking about. Talk about a complete lack of self-respect. Imagine unironically thinking that you should compete for your own spouse.

Because I have at or above a bare minimum of standards and class, I’m going to say “fuck that”, heave them out of my life, and go find someone worth my time.

When my ex wondered why “we can’t be friends?” I explained to them: “You have lost the privilege of having me in your life.”

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
1 year ago

It was shit trying to be a working women during the 80’s (a little bit better now) thanks to the patriarchy. The stress and mixed messages was horrendous. Ask me how I know. I can’t believe this drivel. Who wants a cheater baby man? Anything in that much hindsight can be made to look palatable.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

A cheater baby man she hasn’t seen in 30 years! And she’s remarried to someone else!! What the hell??

This woman needs therapy. Only solution I can come up with is she’s got serious unaddressed issues.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

Oh, I can’t even… 🤮
Reading about being “charming, smiling, looking casually gorgeous and glad to see him” got me so nauseous that I had to stop right there!

When I have to see the pathetic ex (think children’s wedding and grandkids’ birthdays) I try not to look or speak to him at all. Zero point and not my job.

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

When I told a close girlfriend that FW had invited me to ice cream with our dying friend who was visiting the week after I left because he assaulted me — which put me in the very sad and difficult position of saying no because I couldn’t possibly put our friend in the middle of it and also couldn’t stomach the sight of that abusive POS and still was holding onto a shred of self respect — she told me that in my place, she would’ve gotten all dolled up and gone and made him regret it. That was the beginning of the end of that friendship.

Shann
Shann
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

My husband says this
I just want someone who’s happy to see me and wants to kiss and hug me when I get home.
I guess that’s everything I was lacking when I didn’t even realize he was fucking around

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Well, I did try to be that way when I did child hand overs, but not the ‘glad to see him part’. I handled it with casual grace and hopefully left him thinking that maybe he didn’t get a better deal abandoning me for his latest fuck buddy. And with the knowledge that he’ll NEVER EVER have another chance at fabulous me.

Lully
Lully
1 year ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

I used to be Barbie Trophy Wife and then turned into Barbie Chumped Former Trophy Wife. AP in Plain Jane and zero sense of style/ charisma. Made no difference. He left me and my children to be with her. I used to do the pick me dance and get myself extra dolled up and happy when handling the children. Then I started to see a smirk on my ex’s face, or he would purposely ignore me and look at his phone. It was like the better I looked, the more he ignored me. He’s a covert narc and I read that whenever they leave you, they have to deeply reject everything about you in their minds.And then my friend told me that looking like that fed his ego as in “silly goose, look at her trying so hard to get me back”. Since my entire self worth revolved around my looks, it was hard for me to let go of that, even when it was just about “revenge dressing” and I had zero intention pf having him back. Then, one fine day I had just got out of the shower, no make up, mismatched pajamas/ hoodie frumpy outfit and he arrived to pick up the kids. I would have rather be dead then have him ever see me that way, but after years of humiliation and an amazing therapist I went out with the kids looking like that, pretended to have something to get on my car making sure he saw me with a smile on my face saying “byyyyeee luvvv u guyssss, have funnn” to my children. This was for me one of the most liberating moments in my life. I don’t give a f about how that monster see me anymore and knowing him, this was much more of a punch in his ego than anything else.

Orlando
Orlando
1 year ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

Great tactic, 🦨 🥬 !!! I am also doing the same 😂

Orchid Chump
Orchid Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Orlando

I love to wear dresses. I’m not a sweat pant fan (nothing wrong with sweats, just not my thing). My stbx used to call my dresses, house dresses because I’d get home after wearing scrubs all day and throw on a pretty dress. He also used to hate my jewelry. So now when I see him for events, I make sure to wear a house dress with a piece of jewelry he didn’t like. LOL.

He will never get another chance to touch me again!!!!

SecondSelf
SecondSelf
1 year ago
Reply to  Orlando

Is it bad that I think like this when I will be interacting with FW’s new girlfriend? I completely do dress a little nicer than I normally would. I want to feel attractive and better than the alternative. I definitely don’t want him back 🤮 But my confidence needs that extra boost of knowing I’m pretty damn hot. I still wobble on the inside a little, even if he doesn’t know it.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  SecondSelf

SecondSelf– Lol, go ahead and dress up if it amuses you. I just think of things like that as “traumatic memory re-engineering.” If you know an encounter is going to be traumatizing, always plant something funny in the middle of it that will make you laugh instead of trauma-flooding and cringing years later. Poachers and their typical appearance-contingent self esteem are pretty easy to prank. It can also be intimidating and might make them think twice about being aggressive in the future. Another way this can be strategic is that it can mess with FWs’ narratives and sabotage their usual PR campaigns against chumps– the idea that chumps are sexless drudges who “drove” FWs to cheat, etc. If all it takes to undercut FWs’ credibility in court or among social contacts is a leggy skirt and shiny hair, have at it.

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
1 year ago
Reply to  SecondSelf

Nope. Dressing in a way that gives you confidence is just putting on armor before you go into battle.

Exofanaddict
Exofanaddict
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yup he’s just another stranger

Bruno
Bruno
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Same here.
Now she is like that annoying classmate that shows up at every school reunion. You can’t entirely avoid them, but you sure as he’ll can ignore them.

Livingmybestlifenow
Livingmybestlifenow
1 year ago
Reply to  Bruno

I have see my ex and his girlfriend at my daughters graduation next week and I am probably going to have to cooperate with him to help my other daughter relocate to a new state for her dream job next month. I think I will have to just grin and bear it because my ex is a schmoozer and I know he is going act all friendly.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
1 year ago

Just treat him like ‘someone you used to know’. Don’t respond to his schmoozing and BS. When he tries to talk to me, I look at him like he asked me a complicated question and then just walk off. He’s a stranger, but a nasty stranger so don’t give him any time or energy.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago

I do my best to never tell people how to feel nor dismiss others’ experiences, so I share this simply as my experience and I choose to share it because I never ever ever ever thought I would feel like I eventually did.

I took Cheaters “twu wuv ” with his Schmoopie very hard and stayed in the “vomit everyday, obsess, think of nothing else” stage for a rather long time. I was truly convinced that if he left me for Schmoopie, it would be The Worst Thing in The World”. He did live with her for a while but I didnt know because there was a ruse of a long distance job and he was lying lying lying. I stayed in the marriage and in a dreadful wreconsillyation, he died. I later learned there had been previous betrayals.

Anyhoo. The day my daughter graduated from college, I was there with my new husband and watched my daughter suffer through grieving her dads absence deeply. It was worsened knowing that he missed her HS grad, and would miss her wedding, kids and everything else.

The huge shock for me was that deep in my guts, in that secret place where you can think anything you like and no one knows, I wished that he and Schmoopie were there, sitting (and annoyingly cuddling) in some nearby set of bleachers. Years earlier, I would have sworn on everything I owned that there was no possibility that I would ever feel that way.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

I recommend the classic modern anti-hoovering tactic of suddenly getting fake important phone calls and raising a “Just a sec” finger as you walk away to find better reception.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yep, we didn’t see each other much as I had moved several states away for my job. When I did have to see the liar, it was a cursory nod and keep on walking.

I remember once he came in a fast food place as I was walking out at lunch time. He smiled and stopped I assume to shoot the breeze. I just said hi, and kept walking.

I oft wondered if that was the moment when he realized that hey chump really meant it when she said she would never be friends with me.

weedfree
weedfree
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Why do I read “once he came in a fast food restaurant” differently to how it is intended. Because nothing would surprise me with these FWs.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Hu Susie, good to see you commenting again. I hope everything’s OK with you. Xxx

FYI
FYI
1 year ago

“In the end we’re all the same.”

Uh, no. No, we are most definitely not all the same. Some of us do not lead double lives. Some of us do not steal from those closest to us. Some of us do not invent vicious accusations to throw family off the scent of our wretched behavior. I could go on.

We are definitely not all the same.

ChumpedMomof4
ChumpedMomof4
1 year ago

How about the special place in hell for those who cheat on their pregnant wives? Oh, our fault for carrying our child? And twins for me. Also while taking care of the other two and being the breadwinnner. I’m the working warrior woman of the 2020s except the difference is that we are also expected to do be the super mom too. As a single mom of 4 I have less housework now that he’s gone. Raising newborn twins (started the divorce 5 mo pregnant) was easier without him. How did he make more of a mess and still barely contribute to the family both taking care of our home and children as well as financially. Maybe I’d work less if you worked more. Maybe I wouldn’t be so tired at the end of the day if you fucking helped more. And no I shouldn’t have to micromanage you by making a list of things for you to do. Look up and look around. And be a fucking adult. Oh and then after I did make the list, I’m nagging and controlling. Fuuuuuck off. I’m good. He sucks.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpedMomof4

Yeah I see this on Reddit all the time “Make him a list”. WHAT??? Does his boss have to make him a list at work? No, he freaking doesn’t. Be a freaking adult MF!

Marcia
Marcia
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpedMomof4

You’re so right!

Anarchyintheukok
Anarchyintheukok
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpedMomof4

👏👏👏👏👏

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpedMomof4

Yep! So familiar! “Just tell me what you need me to do.” “Why do you tell me what to do?!” There was nothing I could do right. I’m also flabbergasted by how much easier my life is without him. Full time job, full time student, four pets, and my house is clean and I have tons of free time and feel relaxed nearly all the time. It’s unreal. A partner shouldn’t make your life 100x harder.

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

“I can’t read your mind. How am I supposed to know what you want?” “Sorry, I’m not going to just do and say everything you want me to say.”

Reminds me of another cheater refrain: “I just want you to be happy.” Bahahaha. But don’t even think about asking them not to do things that make you miserable.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpedMomof4

Chumped mom of 4— from another chumped mom of 4 kids — you are fucking MIGHTY!!!!!

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpedMomof4

Yep! I only have one child and I was utterly broken down from working a big job, doing all the childcare, cooking, laundry, cleaning etc. He was super bummed out when I couldn’t be a porn star in the bedroom. I told him I’d feel better about sex if I had time to think about it and wasn’t exhausted. He laughed in my face. Clearly he had heaps of time for porn, hookers and girlfriends. But gee, I guess I should have tried harder 🙄

Attie
Attie
1 year ago
Reply to  ChumpedMomof4

Couldn’t have said it better ChumpedMom!

chumped48
chumped48
1 year ago

Show of hands: who is “genuinely happy they … stuck it out with a cheating husband” ???!! (vomit noises)

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  chumped48

I stuck it out. Im here now. Enough said.

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Ditto. I stuck it out to get dumped. Nobody talks about how often that happens.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Sorry-sticking it out to get dumped is the worst. I saw the writing in the way at my DDay. He basically offered me a chance to share him with Schmoops. Like he’d be with her half the time and me and our daughter the other half. Somewhere in my traumatized brain I thought, “yeah, that’s gonna last a few months and then he’ll leave me.” I couldn’t have competed with a woman 20 years younger than me and doing exactly what he wanted all the time. He was looking for, and found someone else. At least in my case he made it quite obvious I was only plan B. I had nothing to work

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
1 year ago

Every word of that sounds like it was actually written by a very immature cheating ex fantasizing that the person who kicked them out 30 years ago regretted it now.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
1 year ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yeah, the writer can’t name a single thing they liked about her husband, just how good “she” looked in her veil and wedding dress. Oh and husband is a “hot young guy,” who can’t be expected to be faithful because his wife has a job other than adoring him all day… and though the wife remarried, she still wants the cheating ex?

Yeah, written by the ex.

CakeEaters'Daughter
CakeEaters'Daughter
1 year ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

I also had the reaction, “Is this real? Or some kind of propaganda?”

If it were true, what happened to the fine second husband? Is he reading this? Did he die, and is the writer off her head with loneliness and possibly-drunken fantasy? Something not adding up.

Speaking of films, anyone else, btw, startle at the reference to “shades of gray”?

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago

Yes, CED. I startled at that phrase, raged, gagged and rolled my eyes so far back inside my head that they almost didn’t come back right again.

Thankfully I can still see to write this post but I’m not sure my dinner will be digested at this point.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
1 year ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Oh, wait, 40 years… Holy bejeezus it has been 40 years since the 80s, LOL!

Erin
Erin
1 year ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

At my recent 40th high school reunion, I wondered who all those “old” people were!

Marianne
Marianne
1 year ago
Reply to  Erin

Mine is coming in a few years. I don’t live in the area so may not make it but the occasional social media post by an old classmate still can make me think the same thing!

srfrgrl
srfrgrl
1 year ago

“It takes two to end a marriage”.

NOT TRUE.

JannaG
JannaG
1 year ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

Right?! The only two who ended the marriage are the ex and AP. NOT the ex and the chump. That being said being the one to choose to divorce a cheater shouldn’t be a mark of shame.

Exofanaddict
Exofanaddict
1 year ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

It takes 2 to make a marriage work, only one to end it. That’s how I explained it simply to my adult son.

Elsie
Elsie
1 year ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

I’m so weary of hearing that. As if I hadn’t given my all trying to turn it around? He put in almost no effort while having the time of his life.

There are certain people on the outskirts of my life who still talk that way to me. One asked me three years post-divorce how my ex was doing and said to tell him hello the next time I talked to him, as if my ex was just off on a long vacation by himself. In retrospect, he’s really messed up, as is his wife. So I just avoid them.

Orlando
Orlando
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

I have former friends that did this too. They would ask if I’ve seen FW, even ask me if he’s still with the OW. WTF?! I started avoiding them & eventually they disappeared.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  srfrgrl

It takes two to make a successful marriage, but one can easily end it by any number of means, and there is not a dammed thing the other can do about it.

Alexandra
Alexandra
1 year ago

Let me get this straight….
FATAL ATTRACTION gave this woman warm, fuzzy memories of her marriage?
FATAL ATTRACTION.

I can’t. I just can’t.

Apidae
Apidae
1 year ago

It’s the Daily Mail. Of course they’re going to publish this kind of reactionary swill, which I wouldn’t be surprised is totally made up because Amanda has a deadline to meet.

Fatal Attraction was originally a lot less sympathetic toward the protagonist. Then the director decided that was too mean and he had to be a flawed hero. Dude has also made a LOT of movies about cheating.

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
1 year ago
Reply to  Apidae

Amanda had a deadline to meet. Only thing we know for sure is true 😅

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago

Her poor new husband. I don’t understand this at all. I guess maybe when she destroys this marriage by pinning away for the man who cheated on her THEN she’ll miss this husband?

I’ve met women like this before. I don’t understand them and i don’t want to. I just want them to stay away from me. I bet she’s never happy with anything in her life… until she has something else, then she misses the old thing while shitting all over the new thing. Even if the old thing was actually trying to give her AIDS and the new thing is “lovely.”

Seasoned chump
Seasoned chump
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

It’s called FOMO (fear of missing out), an inherent human condition that some find very hard to resist. It’s the same tactic that Michelle Weiner recommends chumps employ against wandering spouses.

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago
Reply to  Seasoned chump

Oh wow. I had someone accuse me of that when I was going through my divorce and I had no idea what they were talking about. I was so confused, “what am I afraid of missing out on? I’m just trying to get through this.” I didn’t know it was an acronym thing. Thank you for sharing that.

I just looked it up. It’s so interesting because I don’t have it at all, I don’t care at all about social media or competing with others but it sounds exactly like my ex husband.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

And this is all predicated on the minimization and trivialization of cheating. You must first conflate cheating with forgetting to put the milk back in the fridge.

She doesn’t seem aware that she was not the only one who forgot the joyful day she wed. Maybe when her gossamer wedding veil took off in the wind up in the sky like an untethered bouncy house, it was an omen. Of the Damien variety.

If you don’t look closely and don’t think about it, you can accept all kinds of unacceptable. But calling a horse a zebra does not make it so.

The Instagram comments on Charles and Camilla are a great place to see what people think about cheating. I’m extremely grateful I do not share most people’s opinions about it.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

In addition to forgetting the joyful day that she wed, she also forgot this:

“To my surprise, the friend gave me a huge hug and said, ‘Poor you, no wonder you’re devastated after what you’re going through . . .’ She added that she was glad I finally ‘knew’. ‘Knew what?’ I asked.

‘That your husband is having an affair. Everyone knows.’

Well, I didn’t until that moment. And it felt as if she’d unloaded both barrels of a sawn-off shotgun into my gut. After something terrible happening to their children, betrayal is many women’s greatest fear.

Whether personally or through friends, we have all experienced the fallout: the grief, anxiety, panic attacks, sleepless nights, lack of self-confidence, weight loss, depression and, all too frequently, the self-medicating, before realising peace is not found at the bottom of a bottle of Chablis.”

I think she forgot it wasn’t the friend who made her feel like this. And the Chablis wasn’t helping her remember. I don’t believe love feels like this, or that someone who intentionally makes anyone feel like this is capable of love. I think it’s an omen, and the biggest one there is, that you are wedded to someone very bad for you. Of the Damien variety.

Shann
Shann
1 year ago

I have ALWAYS admired your input here:)
I still drop in once a week or two… I started feeling like I didn’t belong because only half of me has left the marriage. I think I’m a genuine person but then I just keep dredging along while my true needs aren’t met.
He’s not cheating why would I leave now… would it appear I was “digging up” something?
It’s true I never got my healing together like he promised and now it just seems on the outside we’re fine. But it’s not fine. Fear has just grabbed me once again and I’m trying to decipher through my truth. Is anyone like this? Or have been?
Therapy helps and wears off because 1. He’s not involved in my sessions or doing any work and 2. He doesn’t think there should be a problem anymore and that it just takes time

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

Shann, I’m glad you still post & read here. What stuck out to me are your words: “He’s not cheating why would I leave now… my true needs aren’t met.”
I changed the order of your sentences.
It seems like you want justification for divorce from some concrete action, such as evidence of cheating. I was like that too. I was in limbo for years.
Now that I am divorced, it’s easier for me to recognize that many positive aspects of marriage were NOT happening in mine. For instance, he never apologized for anything. And he was so nice all the time I never could recognize that. Now I see that it was a subtle form of blameshifting . I took on the blame for any problems, irritations, faux pas, etc., and he let me! Even when it truly was his fault!
I never felt the freedom to ask myself, is this marriage working for me, right now, and not just appearing to have potential? It sure was working well for FW, who didn’t tell me that the cheating continued.

You’ll get to peace sometime, Shann. It’s your decision to make & you’ll know when it’s time.

Shann
Shann
1 year ago
Reply to  UpAndOut

Thank you so much your response means so very much!
Sometimes I can’t believe I’m still here
Waiting.
Him being “so nice all the time”… it’s true! And if I am frustrated because we aren’t making any moves it IS my problem. Thanks again!

babyelephant
babyelephant
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

I was in limbo for a while, too. There was no Chumplady at the time and it was incredibly isolating. I kept trying to fix him. I began searching for anger management books online because he seemed to always be angry. That’s when i found Lundy Bancroft’s book, “why does he do that?”. it changed everything for me. I highly recommend it. I’m so much happier now, so much more self-assured. my daughter is 13 now, and i’m thinking about having her read it since her father is a complete asshole, coercively controlling prick to her. Big hugs Shann. Being far out from in now, I know I didn’t love him or even like him. I was trauma bonded to him with absolutely no self-esteem or agency. They do that to you. Like the baby elephants that are tied by a chain to a stake–they try to get away and can’t. Eventually they switch to a rope and the elephant doesn’t even try anymore. Elephants are sweet, kind, wonderful creatures—and people take advantage of that. I hope you read Lundy’s book and that it helps you as much as it helped me!

Fern
Fern
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

Shann, you sure do belong here. I check every day and look for you sometimes. I know you are on the fence and I can relate because I sat there for years and years and years. I totally understand and do not judge. We do not judge. If you find words of wisdom here please don’t hesitate to post.
You matter. Your feelings matter. What other people think of your marriage does.not.matter. Do what is best for you. I’m so glad you have a therapist you work with IRL. Mine wanted to throttle me somedays – I could tell. But she hung in there with me and I could not have gotten through it without her.

You belong. You belong. You belong. Say it with me

Shann
Shann
1 year ago
Reply to  Fern

Thank you FERN!!! I belong:) and I appreciate you and your response very much!!

Violet
Violet
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

” … Fear has just grabbed me once again and I’m just trying to decipher … ”

Your fear is trying to tell you something. Please allow a stranger on the internet to attempt to decipher the message for you: GET OUT NOW.

Shann
Shann
1 year ago
Reply to  Violet

Thank you Violet:)!!

SecondSelf
SecondSelf
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

Shann – We were all there once, stuck in the middle and trying to figure out if you should go or stay. Very few of us had a single DDay and then filed for divorce. You totally belong here.

Here’s what I would say: Find a way to create a boundary with you husband. Something that would make you feel safe or protect something of value to you. See if he graciously respects your boundary. Bet that he doesn’t and gets angry instead. And then you know. He has no intention of changing his behavior to support and care for you, if that requires him to change his behavior. He doesn’t truly value you. I could be wrong, but you won’t know if you don’t try, and you should know.

Shann
Shann
1 year ago
Reply to  SecondSelf

I agree and will try this- thank you for the advice
I appreciate your response:)!

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

When I left the overtly abusive relationship I was in prior to Traitor Ex Fake Husband (and when I say “overtly”, I mean the experience ce of what society in general unanimously agrees what abuse is), I made DAILY phone calls to my local domestic violence assistance organization hotline phone counselors. It kept the fog of denial from rolling in and clouding my perception. I learned from them that that fog of denial is a coping mechanism common to people in abusive relationships. It’s a survival mechanism. The human psyche develops crafty unconscious methods to survive, but they ultimately are NOT helpful as they keep my feelings and reality from connecting and keep me stuck. It was amazing to me how quickly that fog rolled in after some category of violent episode and things didn’t feel so bad…..

So in addition to my weekly therapy, I made DAILY calls to the hotline to keep my appropriate perspective anchored and back-up anchored in place. That’s the same reason I come here DAILY and read and post.

Shann, come here DAILY. Call a domestic violence hotline DAILY. Like taking a prescription medication that your life depends on. Because it does.

Here’s a link to who helped me. Anyone can call no matter where you are.

http://www.centerfordomesticpeace.org

Shann
Shann
1 year ago

Thank you so very much
Sounds ridiculous but, aside from the cheating, I’d like to know if I’ve been abused. Fog is real

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

No one saw what happened to Shanann Watts and her children coming. No one. Since hearing about that case, I have elevated cheating to a Code Blue warning.

M1
M1
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

Oh Shann, you belong here if we can give you any comfort or perspective. Please don’t second guess that.

Shann
Shann
1 year ago
Reply to  M1

You definitely DO!!!
I found this site almost 3 years ago.
Since then I have started my bachelors degree and started taking small trips with my daughter (he doesn’t plan anything except the Hawaii trip that he thought was a save your marriage trip)
I got a puppy and I try and focus on healing and pray for direction.
Some days I know I’m leaving and others I think it’s not so bad, but it’s like living half a life

M1
M1
1 year ago
Reply to  Shann

So you are Gaining a Life! If I remember correctly, she’s your stepdaughter, yes? If so, retaining custody of her after a divorce would complicate things so I imagine you’re staying married, and trying to build a new life within it, with and for HER. You ARE mighty, Shann. You’re faced with a tough situation and making choices for the greater good – for now. You’re like an amoeba splitting in two: there’s the marriage with the three of you while at the same time you’re putting your attention and energy into creating a new life with you and your daughter alone. It must be exhausting but it’s also pretty creative. He probably doesn’t even notice. You’ve chosen a hard road, Shann, but you’re not alone. We’re right here with you.

anuthatch
anuthatch
1 year ago

She may have had fond memories of her wedding day. But I can guarantee his mind was on something else while cheating. It wasn’t on any fond wedding memories. Geez, I feel like my brain is bleeding reading that crap.

CakeEaters'Daughter
CakeEaters'Daughter
1 year ago
Reply to  anuthatch

You can even see in the wedding picture that she is leaning toward him all enthusiastic and he…isn’t.

Orlando
Orlando
1 year ago
Reply to  anuthatch

“Geez, I feel like my brain is bleeding reading that crap”. Me too. 🤪😩🤯

KatiePig
KatiePig
1 year ago

Also, I watched something about the original end of fatal attraction. Glen Close kills herself, frames Michael Douglas for it and either the wife knows and lets it happen or the movie ends with her still deciding if she’s going to let him go to prison for a crime she knows he didn’t commit. Because the asshole cheated on her and nearly got her and her child killed.

It was changed because it tested so badly. Movies are still about making money. The thing I watched said everyone involved thought the original ending was better but test audiences didn’t like it.

FYI
FYI
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

THIS.
God forbid Hollywood (or anyone, really) actually show consequences for cheating.

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  KatiePig

I’ll bet it was the male contingent of those audiences who didn’t like it.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
1 year ago

Barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf barf!!!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
1 year ago

I read it too and was horrified.

Thank you for your snark and UBT.

I hope some amazing kickass female friend bitch-slaps her back to reality soon.

Elsie
Elsie
1 year ago

Just ick. There are plenty of people who are faithful and committed to their spouses. They resolve their differences, turn off their wandering eyes, and enjoy each other. I assumed that would be the case in my marriage, but it wasn’t.

It’s true in many of my friends, some of which are celebrating milestone anniversaries. I’m going to a 50th party this weekend. What I know of their marriage from 20+ years of being around them is that they are lively, engaged partners. They don’t play games with each other, and problems are resolved amicably.

Accepting chaos and creating chaos just isn’t it, no matter how you slice it. Hoping to get past chaos together is a pipedream. I’ve been around for a while now with grown children, and I haven’t seen any true unicorns yet.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  Elsie

Milestone anniversaries are overrated. Cheaters parents “celebrated” their 50th anniversary not long before Cheater died. His father was as shitty to his mom on that day as he was every other.

I was banished from my family by a cluster B/alcoholic mom. It lasted a blissful, quiet 5 years until she realized that her only grandkids wouldn’t be at her 70th bday party or 50th anniversary party if she didnt invite us back into the family. We attended and I had video of the event I finally erased because I give no fucks about it. She was well on her way to dementia from drinking.

My dad (at around that time) told me he was considering divorcing her because she drove drunk. I let him know that you cant just divorce an impaired / handicapped spouse; it would be legally fraught and expensive. He was stuck with her and still is. Collectively, they are a train wreck.

Shortly before Cheater died, I tried to explain (for the 600th time since I thought that actual understanding would bring real change and I was terribly wrong) that he hurt me regularly. On that particular day, I said “if our grandkids come up to me on our 50th anniversary and ask me when I know that you loved me, I would tell them that I never really did”. He didnt care.

My Forever Husband was married 9 years before his wife ran off seeking greener grass (which wasn’t there) he has told me how good it will feel when we pass the 9 year milestone, so someday we will celebrate our 10th as if we were the longest married couple in the world.

sleepyhead
sleepyhead
1 year ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Yeah, I got fed up with idiot ex-husband at just about the 7-year mark – I’ve been remarried for 5 years now and can’t wait to get to 7 years. I’ll be loudly celebrating that anniversary because in my mind, that will erase all the crap from marriage #1.

CatsAreBetter
CatsAreBetter
1 year ago
Reply to  sleepyhead

I got fed up with my XH at around the seven year mark, too. It’s either the Jubilee Year of freedom or a sabbatical 🎉

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
1 year ago

Big wow on that one.
As if women dont cheat? Misogyny at its best. Big media trying to spoon feed another story to women to accept patriarchy. We get f-ed as women from the left, trying to take the word woman away from us, and the right, to be subjugated. Perhaps in the future society can just get rid of all women and have reproductive cloning and robots.

marissachump
marissachump
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpolicious

This is your daily reminder that trans people are among us. I’m AFAB non binary and a chump. Transphobia is unacceptable in this or any space.

CakeEaters'Daughter
CakeEaters'Daughter
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpolicious

“the left, trying to take the word woman away from us”

I don’t want to start an extended off-topic discussion here, but the current, hot political conflict over the existence, rights, and legal status of trans individuals is irrelevant to the subject of cheating. Which can happen in any relationship.

Someone trans could be reading this blog right now for all we know. And I believe, would be welcomed by CL and most of us here.

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
1 year ago

We had an email exchange a couple of years ago in which I said it wasn’t just him, it was me too who broke our marriage. We put some pain to rest, we forgave each other.”
Holy Fuuuucccccckkkkk, that was hard to read!!!!!🤮🤢🤮
It’s even harder for me to believe a real live chump even wrote that high a level of horse shit!
My brain feels better thinking it was written by some struggling RIC therapist trying to drum up some new clients for their continually dwindling practice.
Jeez, that was a cringy read!
I now need the Men in Black’s neuralyzer to wipe my brain clear so I can enjoy my coffee and hummingbirds in peace again!

UpAndOut
UpAndOut
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Yes, cringy read. I suspect Amanda may be a cheater herself.
Cheaters tend to have sympathy and excuses for each other.

HeReallyDoesSuck
HeReallyDoesSuck
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

Yup. There are people who say you have to take responsibility for YOUR PART in the ending of your relationships.

FUCK. THAT. SHIT. My marriages ended because Fucknuts (the narcissist) and Fuckface (the sociopath) devalued and abused me and couldn’t keep it in their pants.

I will NEVER take once iota of responsibility for what they did TO ME. I’d that makes me “emotionally immature” by someone’s standards, so be it. And also, go fuck yourself.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

For real.

That whole line of thinking is fucked.

Reenie
Reenie
1 year ago

This is what “choice feminism” does to a motherfucka.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
1 year ago

The joys of being in the UK right now! Amanda! The rehabilitation of Camilla! Many of us here abhor cheaters and their sidekicks. And our voices are being heard the tiniest of bits. The word is integrity. No matter how high your perceived status, without integrity you are nothing. And Amanda has, in my opinion, made a decent living out of rubbish. Sadly people believe what she says. She too lacks integrity.

Orlando
Orlando
1 year ago

Oh good grief, Amanda! Is your new husband gaslighting you? Getting you to suck up the guilt from your first husband cheating so that you’ll give him a pass if he does? Or taking advantage of your misguided guilt trip so that you will put his needs above your own? Or are you just gaslighting yourself?? Because let me tell you when I didn’t work “enough” to get ahead, my ex-husband pushed me to. When I was working “enough”, my ex-husband bitched about that too! So maybe, Amanda, just maybe, my ex-husband was just a bitch who would’ve made up ANYTHING to justify his screwing around???!!! I think this ⬆️ is the winner winner chicken dinner right here!! You were 100% smart to divorce that cheater & if you hadn’t you would’ve been here on Chump Lady blog wondering why you hadn’t left him 30 years ago when he first started cheating!! Oh & those friends of yours that stayed with Cheaters? They sucked up, chewed, and swallowed big shit sandwiches that caused them to lose a big piece of their soul. So you can just fuck off with your epiphany there, Amanda.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
1 year ago

Blech…. I feel sick. I suspect a mysogynist wrote this. Someone who is mediocre and blames women. Fuck this noise. Thank God I had a career to resurrect after Dday (nothing felt more powerless than when I was a SAHM with a baby and financially dependent on XH). The thought of going back with my narcissistic, BPD (diagnosed) XH of 25 years is horrifying. Hell to the no! He’s disgusting. Never! I don’t regret divorcing him 6 years ago for one second. I regret ever marrying him, though.

Trudy
Trudy
1 year ago

remember the ‘bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never let him forget he’s a man…cause I’m a woman’ jingle to sell perfume or cancer rods? Yeah. Good ol Don Draper Madison Ave drivel.

M1
M1
1 year ago
Reply to  Trudy

My answer to the ’80’s is, yes, you can have it all…just not all at the same time. Trying to keep it all going at the simultaneously is crazymaking.

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
1 year ago
Reply to  Trudy

Enjolie!
Lol Trudy, that jingle will be in my head all day now!

Hcard
Hcard
1 year ago

That’s the kind of crazy thinking I grew up with. I finally realized facts, reality even basic civility doesn’t exist with these people. Cutting them out of your life is the only path to follow.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
1 year ago
Reply to  Hcard

I once asked abusive Cheater if we could agree on a priitive level of civility that he would commit to. He said “no”.

Reenie
Reenie
1 year ago

I like this fairy tale so many people have convinced themselves of that before the rise of feminism, dudes were all these nicely suited gentlemen who held open doors and fully dedicated themselves to serving their family and slow dancing with their wife on the weekends, but then the feminists made women be strong which TURNED all these men into these lazy, feckless, disloyal bastards. As if having a mistress wasn’t just standard practice for centuries, as if suffragettes didn’t pass prohibition because there was an epidemic of men drinking away the family money at a time when women couldn’t get jobs to support the kids themselves.

No ladies, men like this were always around and fucking everything up. Your grandmothers just didn’t talk about it because of attitudes like the one you’re trying to bring back now (“Don’t be mean to him when he fucks up, he needs to be ADORED!”). Feminism just made it acceptable to finally talk about, and do something about. Be fucking grateful.

If he has the ability to be that guy, he’s gonna be that guy regardless of what you do. You can’t “simpering doe-eye” a douchebag into being a gentlemen.

StraightOuttaChumpton
StraightOuttaChumpton
1 year ago
Reply to  Reenie

“If he has the ability to be that guy, he’s gonna be that guy regardless of what you do.”

I truly believe that 99% of men that have ever lived will do absolutely anything they think they can get away with. That’s why family men, church-going, community-oriented men with kids and wives back home, can go to war overseas and end up committing the most horrendous acts imaginable (torture, child-rape, etc) because 1) they think/know they won’t get caught 2) they’re surrounded by like-minded animals egging them on, and they are weak-minded.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Reenie

Standing ovation, Reenie!

TooManyTears
TooManyTears
1 year ago

Content aside, as in, “so much drivel, so little time,” i’m just going to be snarky and comment on the wedding photograph. It looks like she pulled an entire rose bush straight up out of the ground.

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
1 year ago
Reply to  TooManyTears

You called it. I went back, can’t unsee it. Also, he’s pulling back and away from her. Is it the roses, or her?

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
1 year ago
Reply to  TooManyTears

Too Many Tears, I laughed so hard over your rose bush comment! HAHAHA!!!😂🤣😂

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago

This reads like every other apologia for cheating, as if the same person wrote it. Maybe there’s a demon (cheater) editor out there somewhere…

Ali
Ali
1 year ago

My father was a serial cheater — many affairs throughout his 51 year marriage to my mother. My mother knew about this, and late in life she told me that she had “triumphed” because she knew he would never leave her — because he needed her — “he couldn’t find his socks in the morning without her.” She told me that her friends who divorced their cheating husbands were lonely and sad and regretful. She told me that men are weaker than women and that we “have to take them one.” I have left my cheater husband. I am alone, but I’m very happy with my decision to leave him.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  Ali

I meant this as a general sad comment about how we’re taught suffering is a virtue especially if we’re doing it for a husband (not as a criticism, and I hope it didn’t come across that way). My grandmother made similar comments, unfortunately.

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  Ali

She told me that men are weaker than women

So men simultaneously run the world but are too stupid to function and need us to mommy them or else they’ll piss on the toilet seat?

Patriarchy really head fucks us into thinking we’re rehab centers for crap men.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Ali

Ye Gods, Ali. I’m happy you didn’t follow your mom’s example. What a sad life she must have had. My grandmother was the same way. Grandpa was both a serial cheater and a drunk, but she believed in standing by your man. She warned me that I might lose FW because I won’t put up with crap like that. Perhaps because of her experience she saw early signs in him which I didn’t, because at middle age FW did start drinking and cheating. I lost him quite voluntarily, and it’s the best decision I ever made.

Reenie
Reenie
1 year ago
Reply to  Ali

“Nooooo, I’m the smart one! I am! That Tom Sawyer kid was too stupid to realize that painting the fence really is the most fun game in the world, and it’s mine to play, all mine!”

Ali
Ali
1 year ago
Reply to  Ali

We “have to take them on.”

Shann
Shann
1 year ago

I don’t see a time frame difference between 180 and today doesn’t it hurt the same? Diseases are the same. Nasty people are the same. Good ones like us are as well.
Regretting leaving while married to a nice man. That’s sad. Also sounds like a lie and that she’s not finished healing (?)
Staying looks like this:
Feeling like you’re carrying a virus(physically) aches pains etc
Settling for less than what you deserved as far a “healing”
Getting bulldozed by regular life and his half ass conversations while you swallow your true needs and how you thought it would go…
(Intense therapy sessions, moving to a new home, doing family things again, etc) btw he says his daughter(now15) misses doing family things and I responded that I understand she does need those things and I expected to be working on us more (it’s been 3 years)… he responded that he thought we did “a lot” of that. 😔
We had a handful of sessions with a few therapists over the last 3 years and I am supposed to be getting over and letting this go by now.
Some of you may remember that he cheated with my step daughters bio mom.
That she calls me mom and I feel so stuck(I realize I am not) I hate hurting others and being hurt

chumpedlindyhopper
chumpedlindyhopper
1 year ago

It is self-hatred and internalized self-misogyny, that’s what it is. She is reflecting on her life and hating herself and her values (working hard, trying to have a career, having clear boundaries, not accepting to be cheated on). She has low self-worth and this is why she second-guesses her healthy decision and derides all the achievements women have been striving for (being strong, being independent, working hard). Instead, she is wishing for “traditional roles” that she herself does not adhere to. Please don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with wanting a traditional role. But if she didn’t do it for 40 years, then it was not her value system.
I wish I could find her and give her a big hug and tell her “instead of reflecting positively on your wedding day and how your veil floated, reflect positively on the time you changed locks and how you took a risk, preferring to be lonely than to be alone in a relationship where your partner cheats on you, deprives you of your most precious resource (autonomy, ability to make decisions for yourself) and exposes you to diseases without your consent)”. These are the true blessings times.

I just read this and relate to her, as this was my mindset post D-day. I had to go to therapy and reflect and develop self-love and self-compassion. I don’t go down the road of “what if I pick-me-danced” because I stop everytime at “what if I pick-me”. I pick me. I love me. I respect me and stand by me.

btw, this is all very much part of my reflections today as I am set to see FW for the first time since 2020 at a conference tomorrow. Since it is a workplace event, I am a bit uncomfortable but I will grey-rock all the way

hush
hush
1 year ago

“I don’t go down the road of “what if I pick-me-danced” because I stop everytime at “what if I pick-me”. I pick me. I love me. I respect me and stand by me.” 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏

Brilliantly said, @chumpedlindyhopper!! Brava!!! Good luck today!

AristocraticChump
AristocraticChump
1 year ago

Goodluck tomorrow, hope you get through it ok

Orlando
Orlando
1 year ago

Beautifully & Wisely said, CLH!

Kara
Kara
1 year ago

I wonder how her new husband feels about this. <_<

2xchump🚫again
2xchump🚫again
1 year ago

OK so this book later movie was written by a man about a cake eating festival where it ends in death to the crazy person who needed psychiatric treatment STAT! Men have been murdering each other for centuries over stray woman. Call in the Gladiators and pick a woman with flowers who blows a kiss to any hero left standing alive. So we need to find a woman willing to do the same as a female gladiator? How good it must feel to be fought over to the point of life in prison ?Really? Men or woman cheaters need to be more alert but who is worth this effort?Not one of my 2 cheaters ever matured. They made choices and then blamed me. Not perfect me but the “I loved you” me. Maybe this movie will ruffle a few cheaters feathers and bring up regrets, but this looking back and wishing you’d danced harder should just be a lesson to change your future. It’s pathetic otherwise and takes whatever dignity you have left, and shreds it. I’m not going there. Cheating is a pattern and there is no solid cure.You are of use as a spouse until you are not.Believe that they are awful and don’t forget it. Take care of your future and leave the blood bath on the screen for the cake eaters…they take their slices with frosting and a scoop of dance faster. I’m off that plate.

JustWondering
JustWondering
1 year ago

A much better remake of Fatal Attraction would have had Beth not staying with her FW, getting the beautiful house, FW’s daughter never speaking to him again and mother and daughter going on to have a happy life.

portia
portia
1 year ago

I have read many books and seen a lot of movies in my life. I never liked some of them, and I loved others, but I always learned something by the experience. I think that sometimes you have to examine what the enemy believes and how they think to understand how to deal with them. I have listened to some amazing BS in my time, being married to cheaters and working in a predominantly male workplace.
I completely misunderstood what porn was and how it affected the mind until I saw the results in my real-life ex’s. When I researched, I was amazed and appalled. Dysfunctional personality disorders were not a part of my education, until I needed to know about them to understand what was going on in my world. When I watched Fatal Attraction, with Glenn Close, I considered her the star of the movie. I thought Michael Douglass was a jerk in his part. But she taught me a lot about how the OW thinks, and what they are capable of doing. Nothing about that movie made me believe in reconciliation.
I love CL’s snark because she does an accurate and deadly analysis of the BS behind the RI thought process. When you actually listen to their malarky and think it through to a logical conclusion, you cut through to the heart of the matter. It is always about entitlement and power and abuse.
I never had a moment of regret about my divorces. They were life affirming actions on my part. I do regret how long it took me to do what needed to be done. Those marriages wasted my precious time. When I left the courthouse after my divorce from the father of my sons, I was singing (in my head) “Free at last, free at last . . .” When I divorced the last one, I left thinking “Never again, why did I think that would ever work?”!

I just don’t believe you ever truly forget about being cheated on. I doubt you ever really forgive it. Maybe some people are able to find a form of acceptance and move on with their lives, but I am not one of those folks. I don’t care about drivel written by RI advocates. If I read any of it, I usually think, sarcastically, “good luck with that.” When I observe the people around me in their marriages, I usually hear a lot of complaining about their SO. I just have not observed anyone being “happy” over the long term. Some are more supportive and functional than others, and I have not completely discarded the idea that a happy marriage is possible, but I wonder if it is like looking for a unicorn.

I would really like to see a follow up, several years later, of an RI compromise, and see how well that experiment worked. My bet would be things did not go well. Great expectations often lead to great disappointments.

OutButNotDown
OutButNotDown
1 year ago

“I said it wasn’t just him, it was me too who broke our marriage.” I HATE these types of statements with every fiber of my being. It’s a seriously false equivalency to compare whatever imperfections chumps bring to the marriage to the deceit, lies, and double-lives from the one you were so happy with on your wedding day – ya know, the day when you vowed to forsake all others.

I am still reeling from this gem from my (now former) counselor, the LPC who helped awaken me to abuse and once advocated for me to leave my cheating, abusive husband…She wrote “While Cheater has brought things [i.e. workaholism] and people [!] into the marriage, you have also brought baggage in from your past.” I trusted her for over 2 years when she helped me through the very worst times of my life, and now she’s telling me that I should go for couples’ counseling where ALL contributing factors to the marriage breakdown will be addressed?!! It’s another betrayal from yet another whom I had trusted to be in my corner.

I’m starting to see why others in Chump Nation say “ditch the therapists, and just read LACGAL and this blog.”

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
1 year ago
Reply to  OutButNotDown

After LACGAL, you might want to read this one- it explains a lot “Cheating, In a Nutshell: What Infidelity Does to the Victim” https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/53023667

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago

A great way to get lots of hits and comments is to troll with this shit. This letter can’t possibly be real. A man probably wrote it and is gaslighting us all into believing that women need to go back to being 1950s housewives and tend to their man’s every need. I’m calling BS

CatsAreBetter
CatsAreBetter
1 year ago

I think you may be right, MichelleShocked. This “letter” could be a promotion for the unnecessary remake. Glenn Close wanted the original ending back where the chump wife let the cheater husband go to jail for the murder of the AP knowing he had been framed by the AP.

I despised the original in the 80s. What this culture really needs is a reboot of “Diabolique” where the wife plays both the cheating husband and the mistress into removing each other while she boards a train to a new life with her newfound strength and all the money.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
1 year ago

Just telling CL know on my iPhone and computer I still can’t read/post comments easily. Every few minutes the site jumps to the top of the comments section no matter what I do. Posting or reading is like a race against the clock

KADawn
KADawn
1 year ago

I couldn’t even read most of that. Thank you, CL, for wading into all the hideous BS.

Goodfriend
Goodfriend
1 year ago

Looks like this weird wording was a smokescreen: “He moved abroad; I met a lovely man, got engaged and moved on.”
Doesn’t look like she ever married Lovely man. Per IMDB, she’s been married and divorced ONCE .

Per wikipedia, (not the best source) in 1999 she published a novel Scandal, about women in the newspaper industry. The cover summarised the plots as “Two editors, one paper, may the best woman win.”

Probably wasn’t her. She’s a real gem of a journalist. Outed a gay politician. And, “In 2020 the Daily Mail paid damages of £25,000 to the Cambridge academic Professor Priyamvada Gopal and agreed to pay her legal costs after Platell libellously claimed, citing fake tweets, that she was “attempting to incite an aggressive and potentially violent race war”

CakeEaters'Daughter
CakeEaters'Daughter
1 year ago
Reply to  Goodfriend
OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago
Reply to  Goodfriend

😡 What an evil fucking bitch.

IcanseeTuesday
IcanseeTuesday
1 year ago

I’m not planning to watch the re-make but am kind of glad that 21st century society will get another crack at this.

I have to believe that decades of pop psychology and conversation around narcissism will result in a big “thumbs down” on the storyline. Maybe, just maybe, there will be an international conversation about identifying red flags and holding cheaters accountable.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
1 year ago

Alas, what could have been had she just swallowed hard, admitted her part in his cheating, and been big enough to forgive? What indeed. Her mind can see all the beautiful, romantic, Hallmark versions of what might have been, but seems unable to consider the more likely outcome. Pretty much everyone here has lived that more likely outcome. You know, the one where cheater gets a bit tired of having to look sorry so you can no longer bring “the incident” up. And cheater continues on cheating (this time with a bit more carefulness), often with the original AP because cheater is also too lazy to go find new strange. Until finally, the whole betrayal discovery pain fest cycle happens again. And again. Slap some flannel clothing and a small town setting on that delight, Hallmark. Never second-guess setting a boundary against a proven fuckwit.

Anarchyintheukok
Anarchyintheukok
1 year ago

Oh no bleurgh. Of course it’s the Daily Fucking Mail. The most racist, misogynistic paper in the universe

They love a ‘cautionary tale’ for shocking women who have children too late or have a family and work. That’s when they’re not blaming all the UK’s problems on migrants

The Daily Fail we call it. It spews thinly disguised hatred

marissachump
marissachump
1 year ago

Antibiotic resistant gonorrhea?? Jesus. I’m so glad I left my loser cheater.

Luziana
Luziana
1 year ago

YAY!!!! YOU WON THE EXTRENE PICK ME DANCE-OFF, GLADIATOR EDITION! You won a sparkly turd! No givebacksies!

Redkd
Redkd
1 year ago

Oh good God…isn’t this the year 2023? Be afraid. Very afraid, y’all!

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
1 year ago

And who uses a movie as a model for life?

SortOfOverIt
SortOfOverIt
1 year ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Exactly! It’s a movie. And sure, the ending implies chump and cheater live happily ever after. It doesn’t show the part where the chump has bursts of rage for the rest of their lives over the affair. My stbx “just” had an affair. And I repress the unhinged raging part of my brain daily to get by. And his AP didn’t kidnap my kid or kill our family pet. Please. The original ending that someone mentioned above where the chump allows cheater to go to jail for a murder he didn’t commit? Sounds way more realistic.

OHFFS
OHFFS
1 year ago

That much bad writing and internalized misogyny is making my head hurt. Amanda certainly proves the CL axiom that you might suck, but you’re still a chump.

“In fact, I would argue that thanks to feminism, women are now more likely to stay with their man and try to work it out. We no longer see ourselves as powerless in deciding the fate of our marriages, our children’s happiness, our own future.”

This is a pitch perfect example of silly, twisted libfem rationalization- packaging cowardly capitulation as a new form of “empowerment.” In the same vein, I would expect she tells herself pornography is healthy. She’s probably knee-jerk kink positive. I would also bet her current guy will cheat too, since she didn’t fix her picker from the last time. She seems to go for gross narcs like her ex, turds who demand women look at them with adoring doe eyes and have no needs of their own.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

I made myself watch Fatal Attraction and several other Adrian Lyne films because Fatal Attraction is featured as an example of Madonna/whore misogyny in Susan Faludi’s Backlash. What I mostly remember from the films– aside from the usual hysterically hateful feminazi tropes– is Peter Biziou’s cinematography which really captured a long-gone 80s/90s NYC. What a waste. Lyne’s films also have some good performances like Gere crying in the bathtub in Unfaithful or Kim Basinger’s realistic “paralytic trauma” reaction to abuse in 9 1/2 Weeks (apparently it wasn’t acting since the director and Mickey Rourke psychologically tortured and even physically assaulted the actress to “extract” the proper amount of terror and humiliation). But I tend to resent it even more when decent artists who don’t need the money lend their work to disgusting messages. Fortunately the new series has nothing to inspire that kind of resentment! Other than a few sturdy character actors in supporting roles, the drably filmed series seems to star a bunch of bland no-names and has-beens who’d do anything for a paycheck. The remake obviously requires heavy marketing to get any attention at all so who better to shill it than some desperate, misogynistic, racist hack like Platell?

Condolences to CL for mustering the courage to sit through this dreck. Bring the Maalox.

Stig
Stig
1 year ago

Hork…why let your cheating spouse gaslight you, when you can do it to yourself first? This is all kinds of wrong, and I wonder how her ‘new’ husband feels about this, but also how much joy her cheating ex must be feeling hearing about her everlasting regret.