You Might Be a Chump If…

Time for another rousing round of You Might Be a Chump If… !

In the vein of comedian Jeff Foxworthy’s “You Might Be a Redneck If “… tell me how you might be a chump. What are the signs?

Ever wonder what quirks are particular to chumps?

You might be a chump (YMBAC) if … instead of a happy marriage you have 80 perfectly tended rose bushes.

YMBAC if… you’ve bought the entire infidelity oeuvre on Amazon and underlined passages for your cheater, only to find them unread.

YMBAC if… you actually sort of believed he was sleeping in his car in Vermont in January.

YMBAC if… you received a tie-dyed license plate cover for Christmas… and that was the best present.

If your cheater has three cars, three motorcycles, four kayaks, and more boxes coming from eBay each day…. and his gift to you is a tie-dyed license plate cover? YMBAC.

If your children don’t really look anything like you… YMBAC.

YMBAC if… you book all your marriage counseling sessions… and pay for them.

Your turn chumps! I’m sure you’ve got material.

Forward without chumpiness! And TGIF!

 

 

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Grady
Grady
2 years ago

YMBAC: if you believe that sex problems are strictly related to your lack of attractiveness ( somehow before the marriage, after child nr1,2,3,4) not him being an asshole and narc.
YMBAC: if you end up in fight every time you organize overnight “ fun time” away from kids
YMBAC: if you believe that being “ better” in any way may actually help your marriage
YMBAC: if you believe in sex addiction

Venba
Venba
2 years ago
Reply to  Grady

YMBAC: if you believe all the stories about how his friends, coworkers are having affairs and flirt with women in parties, but he has always been the good guy

ChumpDownUnder
ChumpDownUnder
2 years ago
Reply to  Grady

YMBAC if you pass off his flirting with your friends as him in touch with his feminine side.
YMAC if he brings random women home that he met in the dog park and you laugh it off as him being socially awkward
YMAC if you believe his story about a workmate lying about him sexually harassing her. A month before the wedding.
YMAC if he flirts with waitresses and you blame yourself when he gets angry when you point out the inappropriateness of it.
I have a hundred more. As I’m sure everyone else on here does.

Downtoearth
Downtoearth
2 years ago
Reply to  Grady

You reminded me… YMBAC if you just start to assume that packing for family vacations is too stressful for an adult male/father in the family and that you should just make his life easier by doing it all so he won’t freak out… but he does every time anyway (and gets really mad when you laugh at him being so upset at doing nothing to get ready).

Phoenix
Phoenix
2 years ago
Reply to  Grady

YMBAC if your usual Xmas gift from the husband is jewelry or clothing you love, but on this Xmas you receive a pair of oven mits and a random coffee table book from the bargain section at Barnes and Noble.

LostMyNice
LostMyNice
2 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix

OMG, I actually received oven mitts this year (I’m not even kidding).. And a paper towel holder and some sink sponge holder thingy.. Yep, true love.

Muthachumper
Muthachumper
2 years ago

Ymbac If you’re saved his job multiple times by jumping in with excuses for his unexcusable behavior.

Ymbac If you’re never able to live off of your combined income and you don’t seem to know where all of the money goes even though your budget and track your money.

I’m now no longer making excuses for his behavior. And even though his income is gone and I’m just living on my income, I’m doing so much better. I don’t run out of money at the end of the month anymore.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

I don’t think my ex was spending money on the OWs – too cheap and self absorbed for that. However, life with him was a black hole. I spent so much of my money and time on him and his family and property, and I passed up countless opportunities. Life was always precarious thanks to his dramas, and I blindly accommodated like a chump. I didn’t look out for my own best interests.

I’ve always been independent and hardworking, and I live simply and am happy to; I’m also educated and open-minded and highly employable. I was looking to purchase land when I was 25 and met my ex. Now he’s sitting pretty and, fifteen years later, I’m somehow worse off than I was when we met. I got nothing because we weren’t married (that’s another story) and I was incredibly naive.

After seven months in my new life and a few months 100% NC, and even with a modest salary and paying for a new car and all expenses from a single salary, I am so much more secure and am making slow but steady gains – financially and professionally. Fortunately, I was starting from almost zero but not in debt. Doors are opening (always were, I just never walked through) and I’m starting to feel safe enough to set goals and make plans – something that felt, and was, impossible when I was in an abusive relationship. I know I have a long way to go before I have my own home and land and community, and this sometimes overwhelms me with rage, regret, hopelessness, panic or sadness. Doesn’t matter, because I know I stand a far better chance now than I ever did with an abusive cheater.

I feel so much affection and admiration for the chumps who share their stories here. Of course you all are doing better on your own, in so many ways. Chumps aren’t failures – proof is that we can turn turds to gold. We just learned later than many that you have to invest in yourself as well as others – and entitled jerks are terrible investments.

Doing the most
Doing the most
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

Amazing how much energy we finally have when we are out of shitty situations to better ourselves.
I cant decide what was worse.
Was it the car loan i had to take with negative equity because of his constant car trading (just like women trading…huh!)? Or the balance he transferred to my card while driving a car in my name with *one* of the OW?
Or my bonuses I spent on things for him?
I have struggled but Ive slowly seen the payoffs. It never even dawned on me that I would be able to save and put myself in the right direction.
So grateful to have control of my own finances.

Beans
Beans
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

Can relate. When me and asshole split I got half of our savings, 10k. After I paid for the divorce and set myself up in an apartment I had about $8k. Seventeen months later I have $35k in savings….and I lost 40 percent of my household income when he left. But when you don’t have someone spending 70 percent of the money….

AimingforMeh
AimingforMeh
2 years ago
Reply to  Beans

I love this, and congrats on cultivating some serious savings ????

Chumpful
Chumpful
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

This is totally me as well.

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

Oh my gosh, yes to the income issue! I make a third what he does but my money stress is gone. It blows my mind!

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

Same here. On 60% of our previous income (I made slightly more than him) and 200% more disposable income!

Peregrine
Peregrine
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

Totally!!! Cheater has other activities to spend money on…

ChumpToTheMax
ChumpToTheMax
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

Muthachumper, I can relate! Xhole spent money like it was on fire, but I actually made good money and kept a separate savings account from him. He would come crying needing money every time I had a nice sum saved up with stupid excuses like speeding tickets, or he’s going to jail if he doesn’t pay off his leased BMW…at least now I can save money and I know where all of it goes.

I made plenty of excuses for him too, with the kids, family, friends to myself…but he really was just an abusive, lying jerk.

ChumpDownUnder
ChumpDownUnder
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpToTheMax

Our combined income was $10k per month. Our mortgage was $4k. I have no idea why we were continually broke.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDownUnder

He was making about 45 thousand a year, (back in those days, that wasn’t bad) I was working full time and making just above minimum wage. My job provided good inexpensive insurance for the times. Yet, there was never any money for anything I wanted. We had several investment properties that he was renting out. He hid a lot of his spending in those, telling me that the properties would pay off in a few years but was sucking up a lot of money now.

After the asshole left I pulled a couple years of credit card history and bam, there it was. And that was likely just the tip of the iceberg. Who knows how much of the cash withdrawals went to her, likely most of them.

I am thinking when they got married her life style dropped quite a bit, since I wasn’t contributing anymore, and he certainly didn’t have to keep gifting her to keep the pussy flowing and her mouth shut.

Because of those records I was able to get a little over a year of full maintenance, in a no fault 50/50 state. Luckily my judge didn’t like lying ass police officers. (he had to pay my house payment, my car payment and the heating bill). I could have gotten three years, but after a year I was done with it, and I hated staying in that marriage house.

So I was able to recoup a lot of the money he had stolen from me, though likely not near all of it. It enabled me to pay for a kick ass lawyer and save a lot of money in that year.

Also, i am I guess one of the lucky ones, as I got to know he got his just deserts early on in his “marriage” as did she. They truly did deserve each other.

Christina
Christina
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

I could have written this myself! ????????‍♀️

Muthachumper
Muthachumper
2 years ago

YMBAC If you’ve laid in bed next year husband knowing that he was on the phone looking at p0rn or possibly texting other women and you try to engage him in sex to redirect him.

YMBAC If when you find evidence electronically you excuse it away calling it boys will be boys or emotional cheating. Cheating is cheating.

YMHBBAC (You might have been a chump) If you get into your life as a single person and suddenly some of the terror goes away, some of the feelings of insecurity and gradually bit by bit you start to feel a sense of well-being just because that infected splinter under your skin has been removed. That was me. That is me.

Downtoearth
Downtoearth
2 years ago
Reply to  Muthachumper

Oh yeah… YMBAC if after D-Day you start cleaning out his drawers and find about 10 pairs of your(?) silky underwear covered and stiff with disgusting man-juice.

Chumpy
Chumpy
2 years ago

YMBAC if you wanted to be his “safe space” so he would choose you while he was struggling with his emotions
YMBAC if you were willing to be a stepmom to his affair child
YMBAC if you believed she was just a friend
YMBAC if you watched the other woman’s dogs while she was on vacation with her family because she had no one else and her and your husband were such good friends.
YMBAC if you believed they weren’t cheating because she’s married and pregnant with her husbands child
YMBAC if you took them back 3 times

I could go on and on and on

the.truth.is.out.there
the.truth.is.out.there
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy

ouch!

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago

Hope this inspires everyone to post . . .

—————–

(music by Village People, lyrics by UXworld)

Chumpy, if he groveled and cried — I said
Chumpy, if she gaslit and lied — I said
Chumpy, if your pleas were denied
There’s no need to be unhappy

Chumpy, if he thought with his cock — I said
Chumpy, if she put you in hock – you can
Face it, and I’m sure you will see
Making fun is like ther-a-py

It’s fun to play the game
YMBA . . . a chump, a chump, a chump
YMBA . . .
It’s a barrel of fun, I am sure you’ll agree
It’s like being Jeff Foxworthy

It’s fun to play the game
YMBA . . . a chump, a chump, a chump
YMBA . . .
You can make yourself laugh, you can free up your mind
You can leave all that shit behind . . .

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

OMG – brilliant!!!

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UXworld BEST EVAH!!!

The whole of Chump Nation up there on stage with you doing the actions.

(Oh my, can you see it, what fun “thought with is cock”)

Chumpster
Chumpster
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Totally digging this!

Chumpydance
Chumpydance
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

ROFL

Magnolia
Magnolia
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Brilliant!

Phoenix
Phoenix
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

AWESOME!!

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I love doing this kind of thing on a daily basis, but you, sir, are an artist! Thank you for sharing your humor with us.

Shintoga
Shintoga
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Best ever song and that’s saying something!

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Brilliant!!

Hurt1
Hurt1
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I’ll never not sing your version every time I hear that song. Thx.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Love this!!! Genius! Thanks for the morning chuckle, UXworld.

Iloveplants
Iloveplants
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

You might be a chump if you were given cat and dog asshole colouring books for your birthday. ( these are real. They are Amazon). I made him pack them when he moved out.

wasjustanotherchump
wasjustanotherchump
2 years ago
Reply to  Iloveplants

I had to google this! OMG…

HunnyBadger
HunnyBadger
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You just made my day! Maybe even my week. Keep the lyrics coming!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

YMBAC if:

You take his mother to her doctor’s appointment after Dday because he’s too busy. You don’t realize until later he’s on a road trip (woohoo) with the OW.

You participate in all of his interests but he doesn’t do any of yours. Oh, and then you forget what your interests are.

You mistake sex for love.

You really believe he’s working from 5:30 am-8:30 pm. You don’t question this because he’s a busy doc. You sometimes wait til he returns at 9 pm to eat the meal you lovingly prepared. He eats with you. You don’t notice anything amiss. You don’t smell the other woman.

You believe his excuses about that weird text he accidentally sent your daughter.

You actually believe you have a good marriage because…breadcrumbs.

You think the silent treatment is normal. You say he’s just shy.

You google, “Loss of libido in 60-year-old men.”

You say “sorry” a lot.

You accept blame for things.

You become so damn small.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

This is me……still trying to get up the energy to figure out what my interests are. Happy first day of Spring!

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Spinach, yes. You become so. Damn. Small.

Journalist.

You believe that he “went to the bookshop” for hours after his city appointment. Or the beach etc. And turns up in time for dinner, same same. You make sure you “let him have his space”.

You believe that the rash around his mouth has something to do with shaving (ten years of gay clubs. Ew!)

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  MamaMeh

Oh ???? Glory hole mouth ????

Macauly D
Macauly D
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

‘You become so damn small’ … oh man, that is so heartbreakingly true. X

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

So many of these I could have written. Mine had so many f-ups but I missed them because I’m a chump and trusted him. I remember the “if you’re not nicer to me, I’m going to cheat on you” argument. I think I knew then he was cheating, but didn’t want to see it or was just so worn down that I was too tired to figure it out.

The participating in his interest but he never participates in yours, that was my first red flag. I remember thinking isn’t it odd we always do his things for “dates”. He now does the same thing to the children.

Peregrine
Peregrine
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I have made myself so very small for so many people. Not anymore

Queen of Chumps
Queen of Chumps
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

So much this. Yes!!! Specially the sorry part, how do we end up apologizing for What they did? Mindfkry at its finest.

Phoenix
Phoenix
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I have a cheating doc too. We need to talk, my friend.

Intothelight
Intothelight
2 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix

YMBAC if he tells you he has to work on Saturday because everyone else is showing up to meet a big deadline and if he doesn’t, he’ll look bad, and he leaves at 5 am and you feel sorry for him and get donuts and go to his work and sit out on a dark parking lot for 20 minutes looking at a completely dark building and when he comes home you say, “I tried to bring you guys donuts but there was no one there, the building was dark!” and he says, “Oh that must have been when I was out getting coffee” and you BELIEVE him.

DOCTOR's1stWeek&3Kids
DOCTOR's1stWeek&3Kids
2 years ago
Reply to  Phoenix

YMBAC if you believe he’s too tired to have sex and is angry at you for “trying to KILL” him when all you wanted to do was keep HIM satisfied at home.

– If you think his hiding the grains/pastas on the top shelf was to help you get in shape because he cared about you,

(and was not a controlling critical asshole)

— if you watch him START his 2nd career (to become a physician) when your first born child is 8 weeks old and he doesn’t even fucking ask you how you feel about it…(SMH)

— if your needs become so infintesimally small, and you embrace so many of his, you lose yourself

— you believe you have a good marriage b/c of the sacrifices YOU made which, without any supporting evidence,
YOU inexplicably ASSUME he’d do for you…

–you “reframe” his shitty treatment into something that feels almost acceptable and you

KEEP HIDING FROM THE REALITY your kids see….and DEFEND HIM when they say he’s nasty and absent…

until finally, he practically dares you to file and your chumpdom glows in the dark.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

This. This is me. So much of it.

xmaschump
xmaschump
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

me too!

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

You say “sorry” a lot.
You accept blame for things.

THIS

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
2 years ago

I recently came across an article pointing out red flags in a relationship and one of them is that you find yourself saying sorry and not quite knowing why. It really hit home for me just how toxic things had gotten.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

All familiar, and the same, swapping doc for lawyer!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

Swapping in “professor” for doc and lawyer…

I swear Spinach, our lives are eerily similar.

Patty
Patty
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Add cheating “ engineer “ to the list.
6 year affair with the office slut.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Patty

Add consultant to the list! You know, he had to wine and dine clients in the evening so I needed to stop complaining that he was never home.

Renee
Renee
2 years ago

Add landscaper to that list.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Renee

And Police Officers.

I think the pattern we are seeing is that there is no pattern in terms of occupations, there is however a huge pattern in cheater behaviors.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I agree, Adelante. I suspect we could talk well into the evening, comparing notes!

We married two winners.

kathy
kathy
2 years ago

YMBAC, if 12 years ago, after finding the craigslist personal post, you believed all the crying, begging and lies that it would never happen again…now, finding an AFF acct, MSM, and so much more, I asked him if it ever stopped. His response, “I’d like to think so, but don’t really know”…. this chump is out the door.

Beans
Beans
2 years ago
Reply to  kathy

Ten years prior for me, and it was dirty emails (they were only drafts! I didn’t actually send them!) to his ex boss. I told myself that since she lived three states away and I knew they weren’t doing anything physically it was forgivable. Never mind that he was talking shit about me to her.

kathy
kathy
2 years ago
Reply to  Beans

“Never mind that he was talking shit about me to her”

Exactly! my FW was talking shit about me to complete strangers for 10 years. I read so many emails..”she hasn’t been anywhere in awhile, I am sorry, she just called to say she is coming back today..I was so looking forward to tonight, maybe she will start going back to the beach now that the baby is born” (our 1st grandchild), and my favorite, apologizing for taking so long to respond…it was his birthday and I had prepared a great meal with cake and presents! what a dumbass chump I was..how did I not know what was going on!?! Lying, cheating and having sex with men, I never even knew he was bisexual. some days I just want to crawl in a hole and never come out..

Beans
Beans
2 years ago
Reply to  kathy

That betrayal was worse than the sex. I was obviously humiliated at his words but the fact that he couldn’t even pull pussy without running me down and making himself into a sob story made me feel even worse, if that makes sense. The whole thing was so pathetic, he was so damn pathetic!

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  kathy

The shit talking we’ve discovered in emails and texts could be a Friday challenge – if it wasn’t so far beneath us.

I’m not ashamed, but I refuse to dignify the mean, immature and blatantly untrue things that my ex wrote (and surely said) about me behind my back to young idiots who certainly relished in the meanness, attention and “power.” So fucked up that this was happening for years while I was going about my own chumpy little life, not the slightest bit aware of the duplicity and betrayal. These people didn’t even exist, and I never would have befriended them, yet they were intimately involved in my life.

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago

YMBAC if you throw him out, but give him a bag of his specialty allergen free food to take with him.

Downtoearth
Downtoearth
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

LOL – you packed him a bag of special food?! This takes the dairy free, nut free, gluten free CAKE! LOL

Chumpupthejam
Chumpupthejam
2 years ago
Reply to  Downtoearth

I am ashamed to admit that I gloriously kicked out my STBX at 1 am (clothes flying out of the front door kind of scenario), then texted him soon after that he forgot his CPAP so I will leave it on the front door for him to pick-up.

Gru
Gru
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Mitz

Packing Allergens free food ????
I’m laughing ???? you are a good person:)
Someone will appreciate your sweet heart

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago
Reply to  Gru

Thanks, I look back at it and think what the hell was I thinking ? 😉

InnocenceLost
InnocenceLost
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

I actually gave him a letter thanking him for some specific good things about me that came from our time together. ????

Geden
Geden
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

I’m pretty sure my trainwreck of a ex-wife said the same thing after she lost everything….

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

That’s funny. Old habits die hard. I made mine chocolate chip cookies when I knew he’d be coming to the house to clean out his stuff. ????

I had filed for divorce and had post-it notes in my car about how he was the enemy, but there I was, baking cookies. ????

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

For myself there was this desire to remind him of all the stuff he was going to be missing out on. It’s weird to be pick-me dancing while separating and yet…

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

LC,

Honestly, I think this was it for me. “See what you’re missing.”

Pathetic!

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yup. Sigh…

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

Oh I remember that one. I tried to remind him of our future grandchildren and how we were supposed to enjoy them together. Gahhh. He literally had no interest in his grandchildren when they did come. He was too wrapped up in gambling and trying to amass a fortune, so he could buy a bigger boast. For the record he lost his ass, and had to file bankruptcy because of over 250 grand in gambling debts. She gambled right along beside him, honestly I never get tired of that story.

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Caretaking habits 🙁

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

Yup!

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Steak and chips dinner for his birthday, 2 weeks after he told me he was leaving me. Didn’t know about the affair then! But what was I thinking. I can laugh about it 18 months later.

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Raises hand. Mine was a roast he requested for the Sunday he got home from a “boys trip” to our cottage. He refused to eat it.,

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I made his favorite- chicken tetrazzini – and packed a few bags of “extras” from my pantry. Ugh.

AimingforMeh
AimingforMeh
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

I cooked mine dinner when he dropped in to ‘suprise’ our child and then left the house so they could have alone time together. WTAF. ????????‍♀️

Hcard
Hcard
2 years ago

YMBAC if after making your needs to tiny to notice, being treated cruelly, being gaslighted, money disappearing and giving your all. You wonder why , he couldn’t just love you and have a happy life, marriage.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
2 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

Ouch Hcard, this sounds like me.

Layne Myer
Layne Myer
2 years ago

YMBAC if you’re home naively babysitting your wife’s affair partner’s child while the two “life long friends” are out in engaging in their affair.

Formerly Prwnkl
Formerly Prwnkl
2 years ago
Reply to  Layne Myer

You might be a chump

If you and your sibling on vacation as children babysat a small child, while your father, unbeknownst to you, was having an affair with the mother of said small child, the woman being a family friend.

If your father, unbeknownst to you, went stark raving mad and murderous towards you and your mother, blame-shifting, aka discharging his guilt onto you —after all, his father and brother had died broken hearted. By the way, madness, not so apparent, because he re-seduced you with kindness at every turn, and his was victim-intimidation-kindness. But kindness it was. It must have been fear, if not terror, you lived in, but you did not know.

If, all this not being truly available to you because of secrets, you married a very kind man, and you were discarded, and you are a divorced woman now.

Felice
Felice
2 years ago

YMBAC if you develop three autoimmune diseases within the first two years of marriage.

Renee
Renee
2 years ago
Reply to  Felice

Check!

Boudicca
Boudicca
2 years ago
Reply to  Felice

YMBAC
If you develop 3 autoimmunes in the course of your marriage, and then apologize for that (like you have any control over it ????)

chumpchange007
chumpchange007
2 years ago
Reply to  Boudicca

I developed two auto-immune diseases within three years of the date I kicked him out.

Boudicca
Boudicca
2 years ago
Reply to  Boudicca

Oh, and your husband half convinced you that the only way HE can cope with YOUR illness is to cheat. And you apologize.
Yeah, I might be a chump…

Lulu
Lulu
2 years ago

YMBAC if you supported him through all his business failures and his abusive mother forover20 years only to one day become the one that needs help and poof he moves on.

Ms. RancHER Chump
Ms. RancHER Chump
2 years ago

You might be a chump if believe when he says – she is my assistant and the fiance to my best friend, I can’t believe you would think anything is going on. – Gut was right – four months Right!

when you find a new text messaging app and he says it’s for work, but you know it isn’t because you work at the. same. damn. place.

When you are getting ready to move to the new home in a different state because you stayed behind to finish up the old home repairs/finances/moving (and WHY was I the one to do that?) and he announces that he likes “living alone” and “there’s no one else” in the same sentence. ME: ah what? we have been married for 23 years and you what? Your living “alone” was 9 months of ME traveling everything three weeks to spend one week with you and travel back and work full-time, and do the ranch…. BTW – I was exhausted but such a chump.

When you take him back after the first affair and then he does the above—^

Yah, I am a big fat chump….. The BEST advice I ever heard from Tracy was….. Is this acceptable to you? Period…. no one else, just you – is it acceptable? I have said that in various dating scenarios and when it wasn’t, I was out in a heartbeat. Guess what? I really do like living alone at my beautiful ranch. It has taken me six years, but I feel so good in life and myself. I am the star in my movie not supporting wife/chump.

Thank you to Tracy for your book, this website (and soon the new one!).

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago

Ms. RancHER …. I love your happy ending!!!! I am at 6 years too and life is grand! I’m thinking about buying a farm (I get up on one so it’s not just a fantasy) too!

Another MIGHTY Chump prevails!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

“Is this acceptable to you.” Wise words from CL. Thanks for the reminder.

And kudos to you!! So glad you’re happy as the protagonist in your new life!????

Ready to Move On
Ready to Move On
2 years ago

YMBAC if:

Even though he completely cut you off sexually, you still don’t leave him.
He treats you like you are invisible and does not speak to you when you are both in the same house and when you need to discuss something with him you apologize for speaking to him.
You blame yourself— because he does- for everything wrong with your relationship
You spend lots of time and money on books, advice columns and watching you tube videos trying to figure him out
Even though he goes to counseling, you are the only one that actually does any of the homework given by the counselor to help work on your relationship
Even though he has been laid off or fired so many times you keep supporting him.
When he refuses to get a job,you still keep supporting him and are paying for his college tuition!
There are so many more!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
2 years ago

You might be a chump if you fell for the line “of course I’d never sleep with her – she’s too big” and didn’t realise how many different headfucks are in that one sentence.

Downtoearth
Downtoearth
2 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Similar… YMBAC if he says he loves your ass and wishes it were bigger, but also complains about your weight post kids and at the height of his gaslighting when you are depressed (unknowingly), but muscling through.

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

Did you all ever hear “so do you think I’m having an affair with x now?”
This was a mindfuck game mine used to play. He would like to say I irrationally accused him of cheating. In truth I rarely accused him, or said much about all of his many inappropriate relationships. I’m not sure if it meant he was or wasn’t in hindsight.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Longtime Chump

I do remember once about 6ish months before Dday. He accused me of making him feel guilty whenever he walked in the house. I said, “but I didn’t say anything” He just huffed off. Of course I made him feel guilty, he was guilty as sin.

I never questioned anything he did.

I never even flinched when the asshole would come in the bedroom and tell me he was going out to ride around with one of the guys.

no-way
no-way
2 years ago
Reply to  MidlifeBlast

I got “she’s too skinny to f%&# properly”!

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  no-way

Ha! I got one of each – for each special lady I knew about. I was just right. Used to think of FW as Princess and the Pea for being so “particular,” or Grumplestiltskin for being so “moody. Adding Goldilocks.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

follow

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago

YMBAC if you believe that the attaché case in his car filled with condoms, viagra, dildo, cockrings, wine bottle opener and porn dvd are for him to use on himself when he travels. Because that was what he told you it was for. (He only travels maybe once a year)

YMBAC if you believe he actually has work related dinners EVERY week (pre-COVID) while you are home with the kids. (As well as all the other sports, activities of his)

YMBAC if you except the excuse that he really needs a passcode on his phone again because he needs to use Apple Pay at Whole Foods. Even though you already made the RULE of No More Passcodes.

YMBAC if you are NEVER ALLOWED TO TOUCH HIS CELL PHONE.

YMBAC if after removing sex toys, etc from his car, new ones keep appearing in hidden pockets every few weeks.

YMBAC if you cannot connect with your spouse on anything deeper than the weather.

YMBAC if you’ve been aware of all these things for 5 years, but thinking you could keep your family together for the kids.

Finally leaving, filed in January. Doing my happy dance. Thank you CL and CN for all of your guidance ????

Marathon Chump
Marathon Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

YMBAC if you find a bag of sex toys in his trunk, he lies and says they are from an ex-relationship, and that he left them in his car because “you are nosy”…YMBAC if you drive your cheater to the airport to go live with his AP in order to make sure he’s really gone.

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

These really confirm many of my suspicions and what I experienced. While I never found any toys.. not that I would even know what a cockring looks like. I did find condoms, wine opener (I didn’t travel with him and he doesn’t drink wine), extra cell phone. He kept things so locked, phone, vehicle, safe thing in his vehicle that it was enough to walk away. I did the same as you, taking care of the children while he’s away on these “work trips”.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

It’s Over,
His attaché case was a detach case, like a serial killer’s murder kit, to destroy the marriage.
Good riddance to all those fuckwits !

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago

I think this is like the one my has in his vehicle. I thought it was for a gun, but I found the gun in the console (that’s another issue). But I have lots of lingering questions over what in the actual hell he had in a password protected safe in his vehicle. It is smallish would fit under a seat. You are the only other person that I’ve heard mention anything like this.

On the kid issue, the exhaustion of being the sole parent of little ones created an extra layer of fog for me. Plus extra insulated with c.d., there were so many “red flags” d-days but I couldn’t face it. At least you are leaving now!

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago

Sure was Saffa . At the time I found it I had a preschooler and a toddler and was a stay at home mom. I was terrified. Now they are 7 and 9 and I’m ready for a better life. Wish I’d found Chumplady back then. I was a mess.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

Better late than never. Tracy is slowly changing the reason/narrative cheaters cheat. It’s abuse plain and simple. Once I get my vaccination and dare to get on a plane, I’m going to pack copies of her book. Somebody in CN has a brilliant idea of leaving copies in the book exchange kiosks in front of houses. I even saw such a bin in Venice, Italy (in the park near the Arsenale) when I visited a few years ago. Here’s to spreading the word to counteract the entitlement ????!
I will write a dedication to the unknown recipient “Your spouse/partner cheating on you is domestic violence. You do not deserve to be treated this way. Here’s your escape guide. Thinking of you from across the world.”

AimingforMeh
AimingforMeh
2 years ago

????

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago

Saffa – I love this ^^^ !!!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

Maybe I’ll even place a copy in the self help/psychology section of library stacks when I start traveling again for work in the US. Don’t know if my donation to a branch would be approved by the local library board ????

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

“YMBAC if you are NEVER ALLOWED TO TOUCH HIS CELL PHONE.”
^^^
Yep, and you’re definitely one if every time you happen to be near his phone, he snatches it away – and eventually, you think to yourself, “Geez, I guess he’s always been pretty private, but this is verging on paranoid and controlling. I hope he’s ok.”

Related YMBAC if: the computer is under lock and key (password-protected, in a room with a padlock!) and you aren’t suspicious – even when he refuses to let you look through his photo album to find the images of your artwork you need to upload to an application.

AimingforMeh
AimingforMeh
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

I laughed reading this, I can so relate. My loser ex also did this with his online bank accounts (which theoretically were all joint accounts). He’d need help to transfer something but then become full of rage if I dared approach him when he was looking at his accounts. Ugh- so many burning red flags.

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

Well done

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

In hindsight, I’m amazed at how the mind does crazy things on its own. I did not truly believe that the sex toys, etc. were for my spouse to use on himself. Nothing about that excuse ever made sense for so many reasons. But when the mind really doesn’t want to believe something it can really twist itself into wanting to believe something else. Just silly that so much time was wasted for this.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

I think this is why so much clarity comes from the wild dreams so many of us have after the trauma. Especially in the first few weeks I had some dreams that showed me exactly what was going on and what I needed to do, and other dreams were just horrible nightmares but they cemented my feelings of disgust with him. Even now, nearly 4 years later, I will catch a dream that shows me a new detail, and the occasional nightmare reminds me to never ever let him hoover back.

My adult daughters are going through the same. I think the conscious is exhausted but the dream state continues to do the grief processing.

Martha
Martha
2 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

A few years before D-day, I started having a recurring nightmare. The nightmare was pretty much the same each time. In the dream I was all alone in the world. I would then wake-up around 1:15ish and my heart would be racing. I then wouldn’t be able to get back to bed and missed a few days of work due to those sleepless nights.

On D-day night, I went to bed around 10:00 pm. Prior to going to bed, the adulterer texted me and said he was so sorry he was still out, but “I feel like I need to be here.” The adulterer was supposedly out with out-of-town work colleagues and coworkers for business. I woke-up from a deep sleep around midnight and I knew instantly something was wrong. My first thought is that he was at the strip clubs with the out-of-towners (X is a perv and went to 100% naked strip clubs in the past when I was at home pregnant and we had a one-year-old child). In reality, he was on a date with a newly divorced whore that he used to work with. The adulterer got home around 1:15 am., the same time I used to wake-up from my nightmares.

I have not had any nightmares like those since D-day. Coincidence? I think not!

I too am interested in others cheating related dreams.

Gabby
Gabby
2 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Dream:

I had a dream of seeing my h walking away in some hotel- like building. I was trying to reach him, I was a total mess- crying and calling him. He looked back but kept walking.
For some reason I thought that due to his moral standards – that would be his reaction if I ever cheat on him.
The joke was on me.
He started fucking around before we married, cheating throughout our marriage.
No OnE suspected or believed.
He was an A class actor

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

My nightmares all focus on one thing: He’s in the same room with me but doesn’t acknowledge my presence. I try to speak to him but lose my voice, and no matter how hard I try to scream, nothing comes out. Then I wake up.

Yas
Yas
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

I would love to see a post on the dreams we have. I found out through a dream. Dreams kept warning me throughout wreckonciliation. 1 year out and I notice an indifference towards him dream and real life. Maybe I’ll post of the FB group to hear about your dreams. Very interested.

Chumbelina
Chumbelina
2 years ago
Reply to  Yas

That’s so interesting. About 2 wks before DDay, I was sleeping in bed next to my Ex. All of a sudden I woke up as I was dreaming about a gigantic hand coming down from above me, and ripping my heart out. It felt so real that I sat up in bed and gasped for air. Asshole’s back was turned to me, in the bed beside me and he never even reacted, let alone ask me if I was okay. But something was telling me I was about to have my heart ripped out.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  Yas

I’m interested in this too, Yas. I’m now well aware of chumps’ insomnia, weight loss, etc, but I haven’t read much about recurrent nightmares. I’ve woken up the past two nights now, terrified. It’s always the same kinds of nightmares – the same patterns I lived for years, repeating themselves. The good news is that in my subconscious mind, I now recognize FW as dangerous and damaging – already a stranger, even though it’s only been a handful of months and we were together for 15 years. I think now that I’m more settled and safely on my own, and a return to general post-pandemic safety is on the horizon (I had friends to my new apartment for the first time – ever!), my nervous system is finally turning the corner and calming down. I also think that CL, with her snark and UBT, is working her way into my brain and taking the edge off. When I wake up, I remember what a pathetic fool this character is. I recall other chumps’ similarly funny-not-funny stories. I wouldn’t want to go near any of the cheaters I read about here, exposed for the losers that they are. My ex is the same – just another sparkly turd to be mocked and avoided.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

It’s Over,

That’s so true of my experience as well. The mind plays tricks, accepts the cognitive dissonance. In retrospect, it’s unsettling, as if I wasn’t always in control of my thoughts.

I think my conscious mind was protecting me from what it knew subconsciously to be true.

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

>>The mind plays tricks, accepts the cognitive dissonance.

I’ve heard the “mind protecting itself” explanation, but that never rang true for me, or rather not the whole truth. I think other things add into it. Things don’t add up, but that doesn’t mean you recognize a pattern of malicious deceit or have any idea what that means. We have fire drills to recognize and know what to do when in a life threatening emergency. I dream of the day we have drills for recongizing and responding to “character disorder”.

Also, my own experience is that the mental muscles of “being in control of your mind” are exactly what blocks creativity and the ability to hear intuition tell us the unexpected. The book “Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain” explains most of what I mean here. A strong left-brain can block the ability to see. I’m an analytical sort, who gets stuck on theories and explanations.

Formerly Prwnkl
Formerly Prwnkl
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpkins

Chumpkins,
Thanks to your suggestion in an earlier post regarding Don Hennessy, I got his books. In “Steps to Freedom, Escaping Intimate Control”, he explains that the skilled intimate abuser is able to split the two functions in the mind of the individual he wishes to seduce, “the instant, quick thinking function, where many of us make the majority of our decisions, and the slow and reflective part of our mind, where we examine the issues and find reasons for our responses”. The intimate abuser is capable of splitting the two functions in the mind of the individual he wishes to seduce. “Once he can split the instinctive and the reflective minds, he will invade the reflective function and fill it with his own rationale. ”

Having been under intimate control in FOO and then in my marriage I am finding this information most useful.
For the life of me, I could not understand how these people can control you without your noticing, and Hennessy explains that one is targeted, set up, and groomed. Now in FOO this is even sadder because this is done to you as a child.

Formerly Prwnkl
Formerly Prwnkl
2 years ago

This said, in many instances one “does not see” because it is very dangerous to see. So one protects oneself. In any instance of domestic violence, the person is actually the expert on the situation, whether and when it is safe to do anything. Self-preservation and survival come first. And often it is about the preservation of other members of the family.

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago

I didn’t see (or know) consciously, but my dreams kept warning me. Starting in our 5th year of marriage, I kept having dreams that our house was collapsing around me. Then I dreamt that I walked in on him with someone else. The month before he left, I dreamed that he replaced our kitchen oven without telling me. So I was smarter asleep than awake.

Dare
Dare
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I believe my brain was doing it’s best to protect my sanity. I remember things being so obvious but my brain wouldn’t let me grasp the true depth of the betrayal or what it actually meant: he didn’t care about me.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Dare

“I believe my brain was doing it’s best to protect my sanity.”

Same here. If I hadn’t notice them in real time, when it all hit the fan; I wouldn’t have been able to remember the red flags with such clarity. It all just came rushing back to me. I don’t know which way is better. Either way is a horror.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I agree about the mind protecting us.

I lament sometimes that I wish the split had come earlier, but then I think of all the things that just kind of fell in my lap after he left, to me I have to believe the timing was perfect for me to have it happen. If I back track then I miss out on some really wonderful people and events that just unfolded for me.

Or, no matter when it happened I would have made the best of it, as most of us do. So I don’t know.

I am just so happy that new chumps have CL and a couple other resources to help them. There are a couple things I would have done differently with more knowledge.

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I totally agree Spinach. Your last sentence explains it perfectly.

susan devlin
susan devlin
2 years ago

you believed he had cystitis when in fact sti. he pretended to commit suicide. pretended to be mugged but spent it on ow and drugs. you thought that was bad, had surgery heart stopped told not to do anything for 2 weeks he refused to help with kids, but still fucked off with ow. of course a proud moment in his life. now have heart problems left foot is 3 times the size of right foot. has he asked how I am has he fuck, he’s complaining of cystitis.
thank you ex

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago

YMBAC: if you and your kids constantly walk on eggshells to ensure that you don’t inadvertently upset cheater; if you and your kids always put cheater’s wants and needs before your own; if only your paycheck goes into the joint account and you have no visibility of what happens to the money that cheater earns; if cheater’s constant search for a grievance means that you and the kids are always in the wrong; if you find that cheater constantly sabotage any suggestion that you or the kids might make about what to do as a family tomorrow; if cheater believes and acts as if they have the right to look at your phone or the kids’ phones at any time they chooses, but their phone is private and thus off limits; if you and the kids find cheater withdrawing attention as a means of punishing any perceived slight; if cheater holds herself to a different standard of truth to the one that they hold you and the kids to.

Yup; sad to say, I did all of that and more.

Not now though; she left to be with her AP and the kids and I grew mighty in her absence.

LFTT

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
2 years ago

Oh, the walking on eggshells. So true. I sincerely hope it didn’t permanently damage my daughter. THAT is what I feel guilty about.

RaffNoMore
RaffNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Don’t feel guilty, I left so my children didn’t think this is how they should be treated (daughter) or how to treat women (son) and yet the live in girlfriend is treated the same way so they see it and bring it home. I shut that shit down though but still a struggle.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

ILC,

I have gone as far as apologising to our 3 kids for not doing a better job of protecting them and for not having got them out of the craziness sooner. They took it really well; eldest daughter said “But Dad, our Mother is the one person that you should never have had to protect us from ….. this is on her not you.”

LFTT

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Walking on eggshells!! And enlisting the kids in that fine/dark art. Ugh. Same!!!

I apologized, too.

That’s very sweet of your daughter.

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yep, I have apologized to my older kid (DD18) for walking on eggshells, and preemptively trying to get her to do things (or not do things) before STBX had a chance to jump in her about them. Unfortunately, DD18 was not able to go away to college in fall 2020 due to Covid, and has been living full-time with STBX in the family home. I try not to worry about the eggshells she’s still walking on. I will probably make the same apology to DD9 when she’s older, but my focus for now is to work on relevant issues (screen addiction during Covid, anyone?) without making DD9 feel like they’re walking on eggshells over at this house as well as at the other one. At least now, I’m not constantly anticipating STBX’s responses and can be more present for DD9.

The only other thing I have to say is that I once made the mistake of bringing up the eggshell issue with STBX, back when I was still doing the ultimate chumpy thing of trying to get her to understand my experience. Like probably every cheater ever, STBX just DARVOed me, saying “I felt like I was walking on eggshells, too!” Translation: she was so full of toxic shame and a crippling inability to make adult decisions, that she felt she couldn’t be honest with me about her feelings and actions, for fear that I would actually make adult decisions that might involve consequences for her. That’s NOT the same thing as walking on eggshells in constant fear of criticism. Although I think STBX has created a revised history in which I was very critical of her (newsflash: I Really Wasn’t!), because I was very circumspect in my reactions and often took time to think before I spoke. To her, my diplomatic mode of speaking felt “inauthentic,” and I think she believed (in a paranoid sort of way) that I had contempt for her all the time, or something.

This is why having these conversations is like putting our heads in the mindfuck blender: fuckwits live in a terrifying world of funhouse mirrors, where you can’t trust anyone and have to hurt others to meet your “needs.” I would feel sorry for them, if it weren’t for the damage they cause. Needless to say, I didn’t bring up the eggshell thing again, and eventually learned that SBTX is never going to understand my perspective.

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

LezChump – same! Mine said he felt like he was walking on eggshells all the time because (and get this, now) I always demanded that he leave work on time, and he felt so anxious about staying too long and was sooo nervous driving home. He worked 6 – 7 days a week, left at 7 a.m. and often didn’t return until 8 p.m. Yeah, those are some eggshells he was walking on! Like CL says, trust that they suck.

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

Right. And of course our fuckwits never thought to tell us how very *unhappy* they were, walking on eggshells all the time. (Eye roll) Here’s the thing: I *did* try to talk to STBX about the eggshells before D-Day #2, and then I took micro-nano-changes as a sign that maybe she actually heard me, and that things might change. But I didn’t press the issue hard, because I sensed the fuckwittedness and did not have high expectations for change. Like many of us chumps, I spackled really hard.

But ultimately, the thing that makes their DARVO about the eggshells unfair is that *they* made the choice to cheat under those conditions, not us. If they really felt so unhappy, they needed to figure that out and deal with it in a way that didn’t involve abusing and traumatizing their partners. Like therapy, boundaries, and/or divorce. Smdh

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago

Your oldest is very smart. She sees it so clearly. Good for you and her!

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

IO,

I’ll be honest; it helped, but I still beat myself up about it – I can’t but help think I should have done more and sooner.

🙁

LFTT

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago

I had a therapist who made me feel better about the whole staying so long part of things as it pertains to my kids. She asked me to think about what damage FW would have done if he had 50% custody – in my state children are treated like property – I could never have stopped it. (Several members of his family have a proven track record of destroying the kids after the divorce to prove they are “right” about what I don’t know, so staying made sense to me.) That said, I have apologized to my kids as well…fortunately they have been very understanding.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

My state will give him 50% custody. It kills me to think about. I have felt like at least with me here 100% of the time I can protect and defend. FW has now twice said he will drop papers so my back is against the wall. All I can do is prepare and if I am ready before he follows through, then I’ll file. He wants to move closer to his schmoopie. I am sure he has one. When he starts looking at jobs in her area and talking seriously about selling the house and moving, that would also force my hand. I’m not making us leave for his selfish needs. And then he can decide to stay to keep 50% or go be near schmoopie and settle for less. I’m betting he will go for schmoopie. That may oddly save me from a 50/50 situation.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

My mother seriously considered my father twice during their 20+ year marriage. When my father ramped up the abuse with blatant cheating, we kids were entering adolescence. But she didn’t to leave us alone with him;nothing benign about his neglect.

Ps I meant to post the preceding comment up thread. Oops !

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

I’m bilingual (French) and could also do a simple translation of my words of support from American English to Italian and Spanish.
Thanks to the internet, so many younger people are now fluent in English. It wasn’t the case when I lived abroad during my twenties decades ago. Paying forward hope and a plan for fellow chumps.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

Believe me when I say that what matters is that you saw it, admitted it, corrected, are honest with your kids now, and are making sure they can self-correct from what they experienced.

My mother never left my cheating, violent, mentally ill father, even after I pulled him off of her when he was strangling her, and pleaded with her to leave and get us to safety, because she was worried about him. Her example surely led to my being the chump I became. I don’t let my father off the hook, but I sure wish my mother had done what you have.

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago

I hear you. I have regrets too. Regarding the things the children had to be around. It’s okay though. You got it right, the kids are with you and love you. The time it took to get here still shows the goodness of your character. It’s not easy to believe that the person you married and said vows to is an awful person. But they are and you’ve improved your family’s situation for all involved.????

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

IO,

You are too kind.

LFTT

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago

It is as if you have lived my life. These FWs are all the same. My son having to deal with his madness is a big reason why I’m leaving and I am kicking myself for putting up with it for so long.

Lulu
Lulu
2 years ago

You might be a chump if you think his tears are for you and not himself.

Yas
Yas
2 years ago
Reply to  Lulu

Very true. Never saw him cry, not even for the death of his beloved grandmom. But when I asked him to break contact with ap, cried like a baby.

NotTodayFuckwit
NotTodayFuckwit
2 years ago

Two words: Hysterical bonding.

Ugh. Not my proudest moment(s). Summa Cum Laude Chump here.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
2 years ago

Yup. I even knew the affair was still active. I’ve read of other couples on SI doing it after d-day but presumably after the affair had ended. My FW was the last person who deserved getting some.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago

Yup???????????????????????????????? Magma Cum Laude in this one!

Ya
Ya
2 years ago

Ugh. I hold a lot of shame for that. I asked him to hit me during sex so he could release whatever anger he had. I’m sorry to myself for allowing this to happen.

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago

YMBAC if you’ve confused D-days with just red flags.

YMBAC if you married him/her AFTER they already cheated on you. Because you still believed they were a great person who just screwed up.
DON’T EVER MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS ALREADY CHEATED ON YOU!

YMBAC if you let a couples therapist convince you that you were not meeting his needs and that is why he cheated on you 4 WEEKS after asking you to marry him!! (Then why did he want to spend the rest of his life with me??)

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

“You’ve confused D-days with just red flags”. I still do this!
A discovery is made and rather than seeing it as a “discovery”, its just another little thing on my very long list of “little things”. Then I have questioned, is this enough?
Which thanks to CL and CN I realized, yes it is more than enough!

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

YMBAC if you correctly identify red flags and then allow yourself to be gaslighted out of taking them at face value.

Dare
Dare
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

Yup— that was me all the way.

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

That too B&R! Same here.

NoMoreMusicians
NoMoreMusicians
2 years ago

YMBAC if you’r pregnant, it’s your birthday and he spends all morning at Walmart “shopping”. Upon return, he hands you a plastic bag with the receipt and your gift inside: a garden hose AND a rolling pin! Happy Birthday!

YMBAC if he spends the whole afternoon of your child’s 6th birthday party in the garage drinking beer mourning a dead rock star and on the phone with a “friend”. He gets mad at you for making such a big fuss over the party.

YMBAC if he declines to take you to your ultrasound appointment because he needs to make sure no one steals the claw foot tub he just hauled into the backyard.

YMBAC if on the night of your miscarriage, he takes his friend to see Judas Priest at the Casino an hour away and is so drunk when he comes home, blames you for his “friend” going because you were not able to go.

YMBAC if on that same night he claims that you have nothing in common and you don’t even know any of the words to his songs.

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago

NMM,
Happy Birthday, that is so awful! Mine pulled a stunt on my birthday while pregnant and basically cancelled out date because he had a work thing, and couldn’t possibly ask ho-worker to do it. That one hurt for a long time.
Your miscarriage night is awful, so sorry he did that. What a pos.

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago

NMM,
I’m so sorry to hear all of that. You are mighty to have survived it! I bet you didn’t know the words to his songs *because they suck.* All the professional and semi-professional musicians I know are narcissists. (Apologies to any musicians in CN – I’d be happy to learn if there are exceptions!)

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago

NMM,

I’m so sorry about the loss of your baby. What an awful thing to go through alone. Your ex is awful. Fuckwits are insanely selfish. Sending hugs to you.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

NoMoewMusicians,

I’m so sorry he did that to you and that you lost the baby. It’s too much. He’s a monster.

I hope you’re doing ok.

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
2 years ago

YMBAC if even though you had a sneaking suspicion you were introduced prior to d-day and made to shake hands with the varmint. Then told he was only trying to help us get our family back on track. Then the confrontation and it’s fall out made everything clear

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago

Realizing your life partner put you in the position of interacting with an AP when you were completely clueless is chilling and violating. Sorry you went through that, too, NYN. Even approaching Meh, this still creeps me out because it was so cold blooded and such a personal betrayal.

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago
Reply to  bread&roses

My FW & OW were cheating together and made plans to go to dinner with the spouses. Yep, I attended several dinners out with my husband, other woman, and her husband. I wonder if it wasn’t some kind of twisted foreplay for them. How sick can you be to do that?

Zip
Zip
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

ChumpQueen, Very sick. Inhuman. From another planet. Incomprehensible.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpQueen

Oh yeah. Getting me to feel sorry for and donate some kitchen items to his favorite waitress who supposedly had to move out of a bad marital home situation quickly; have us all meet in the parking lot of the restaurant so I can give the stuff to her and she can hug and thank me.

D-Day #2 was a few days later.

Makes me want to hurl.

Formerly Prwnkl
Formerly Prwnkl
2 years ago
Reply to  Hopium4years

25 years of this stuff with my father and his compartmentalized life with his affair partner and children.
I know now this stuff seeps into you like invisible poison.
Ongoing passive-aggressive fuel for him and affair partner turned controller in chief. We were trapped, and that was their fun. Their coercive control was the game of let’s see how long they can take it. Sooner or later they’ll die. Father died instead. Because playing such games does get to you and your heart, particularly if in the process you had your own father and brother die broken-hearted. He was a shell of a man. Oh, do I think demons exist. And they were in his narc mother who plotted vengeance against his wife and children. She who had been coercive controlling her own husband and children all their lives. How much pain, how many deaths did those demons bring about.
Never mind that I had a coercive controlling narc grandmother on the other side as well. And causing similar damage. It is hardly to be believed.
What is to be believed is that I married a coercive controlling man who lived on the same passive-aggressive fuel. But came across as being so so considerate.

Hazel
Hazel
2 years ago

YMBAC if your favourite film is The Shawshank Redemption and you find yourself inexplicably drawn to books about people who survive the Holocaust, or being imprisoned in sex dungeons.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Hazel

HAHAHAHA My home office is in the basement in a little storage area. FW’s is on the 2nd floor with big windows overlooking the front yard. I just told my best friend that one of these days he will come into my office to find I chiseled my way out with a spoon. And I never used to care much about that movie.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

OMG!! That’s hysterical. Thanks for the laugh.

It’s Over
It’s Over
2 years ago

YMBAC if they conduct most of their life in the other half of the county from where you conduct yours.

YMBAC if they freak out thinking the motion sensor put in the master bedroom is actually a camera when you have your alarm system installed.

YMBAC if your devices and passwords are community devices and passwords for the whole family and theirs are all private.

YMBAC if when you unpack their suitcase after a business trip, their underwear have women’s makeup on them as well as a tiny feather and a piece of tinsel. Hmmmm

So pathetic. The list goes on. At this point, I use it to laugh at. No sense wasting sadness on a fuckwit.

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
2 years ago
Reply to  It’s Over

^THIS!!
“YMBAC if they conduct most of their life in the other half of the county from where you conduct yours.” Not just traveling for business, but establishing a life and ‘friends’, so many new ‘friends’.
Ooof, I was such a Chump!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

You might be a chump if:

On Mother’s Day he says, “I’m not doing anything for you because you’re not my mother”–and you tell yourself he’s got a point.

You have the same (professional) job he does, but while you leave every day early enough to get home and make dinner, he comes in two hours later (expecting dinner), and then makes you feel inadequate by saying such long hours are necessary to be good at the job (even though you are as good at the job as he is).

When he proclaims “Some things have to change around here,” but never specifies what, exactly, you know that what he means is that you’re inadequate in some unspecified way and you begin pick-me dancing.

So many more…sigh. So glad to leave all that behind!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Oh god, yeah. Same!!!

I got “You’re not MY mother,” too. So I decided I wouldn’t get him a Father’s Day gift. He sulked. #doublestandards

While driving home after a trip together, he would say (without irony), “What’s for dinner?” WTF?? And, chump that I am, I thought it was my job to whip something up quickly even though we were both on vacation.

He once sat on the floor in front of the toilet, stared at a stain under the rim that was only visible from that angle, and seemed almost on the verge of tears because I hadn’t cleaned the toilet better.

When we golfed (chumpy me doing one of his activities), and I said, “Good shot,” he would get angry because, in his mind, it wasn’t his best shot. He was a great golfer. I was a beginner. It was a good shot to me. And who the hell gets upset when someone says, “Good shot.” JFC!

What a miserable man!! And I keep having to remind myself that he’s still a miserable FW, even with the OW. The thought comforts me.

I wonder who’s cleaning those toilets now?

Informal
Informal
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I got the not my mother shit too but always celebrated Father’s Day. I would find music they chose for him unopened. Gifts that they knew were his interests that I took them shopping for or helped them make were tossed and sometimes broken. My dad actually always bought a card for me and had the kids sign it or signed their names when they couldn’t write. I miss him.
DD is an adult and has nothing to do with him. The only time in the past year he reached out was Fathers Day that I’m aware of. Not her birthdays, Christmas etc. We know that’s his pathology. No adoration from you = nothing from me unless you are useful.

You also may be a chump if you have to google- can you become allergic to your husbands sperm? That’s one of the craziest things I had to do. I would immediately experience burning and was in the dr office within 24 hours. I know he wasn’t consistent with condoms (stds) but now think it was either latex allergy because I have that or just my smart body yelling at me. It happened often enough I would go to walk in clinics closer to my home than my intern who didn’t question the amount of times I needed treatment. I still resent him too. I never had an issue after I stopped sleeping with him.

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

Oh boy, I was googling if my husband could become allergic to my vagina. He claimed I was “burning” him during sex. Sometimes he’d even have sores and super red irritated skin and we’d have to go without sex until it could heal. It was months a few times.

Insert head smacking meme here.

I swear I’m not stupid and I know what stds are. I made him go get tested several times and went with him, wasn’t an std. It was so weird.

One of the women he was dating, I saw on her social media she’s “dominant” and likes to give men Bengay hand jobs. Never entered my mind he was doing screwed up things to damage his dick.

Informal
Informal
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

Yet, he seemed to enjoy telling me repeatedly how non sexual I was and he just had no idea how non sexual I was. I finally said I was sexual enough to catch every disease you had which only gave him pause before moving to the next thing of well you use to be pretty etc. Thank God he’s an ex.

Informal
Informal
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

I keep breaking this down in my head and it’s been 7 ys this year. I do have a laytex allergy but never connected it to the “burning” until recently. The nurse used some after a recent procedure and it was the same sensation except vaginally. We never had to use condoms since I was chemo paused at 33. He must not have cleaned himself after using them on others then had sex with me.
Those memories and experiences get less intense over time but puzzle pieces continue to fall into place.

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

Wow, the mess they leave chumps with just keeps on amazing me.

I hope at some point we’ll be over it and won’t need to think of them again! Hope you’re in good health now though.

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  Informal

Yuk! That’s horrific.

My ex also constantly made me feel I wasn’t sexual enough, just because I wasn’t into swinging and sexually surprising him on a daily basis. Sigh.. (and the worst, I actually believed it for a while)

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“And I keep having to remind myself that he’s still a miserable FW, even with the OW. The thought comforts me.”

I just wish more chumps would realize that. They.Do.Not.Change. Yes they do the initial love bombing of the AP; but they will revert to themselves as soon as the thrill subsides. They.Do.Not.Change.

Beans
Beans
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

I hang on to this and repeat it myself like a prayer. Especially when he’s still with the whore he left me for, who knew he was married and living with me when she started a relationship with him. Hell we had a romantic getaway with lots of sex three days before he left me for her! Bet he never told her that lmao.

I just know they both in their secret heart-of-hearts look at each other sometimes and think “……would they? Surely not.” Oh yes, they would!

Nothing like knowing your relationship started out with the utmost trust and fidelity, and nothing like knowing your partner is a cheater or homewrecker, huh?

Zip
Zip
2 years ago
Reply to  Beans

I think a lot of them are too narcissistic to think that maybe they will be cheated on too.
They’re so special.
But eventually the drugs wear off… and that’s when I hope they look at each other and realize the person they’re looking at was absolutely not worth all the costs. And hopefully resentment sets in. Because one poached the other, and the other went along for the ride. I’m hoping their cheating partner eventually represents the financial loss, the damage they did to families / children, how they’ve made a fool out of themselves and the respect they’ve lost. But they are not critical thinkers… so who knows.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Beans

True, but it won’t just be them not trusting each other, they will mistreat each other, they are who they are.

Because we share a son, I know how his life played out. He likely got some enjoyment out of his life because he went on to cheat on her a lot, (evidently her magic twat wasn’t as magical as she thought) and he was extremely selfish and only spent money on what he wanted. None of this is different than when we were together, he just didn’t bother to hide it with her.

Within the first year after he did an early retirement, they both gambled up over 250 thousand dollars of gambling debt, had to file bankruptcy. Lost their house. Blew up his relationship with his son, really the only one he had left.

He left her in extreme debt when he died. He didn’t care, and she knew he didn’t care; he made no bones about it. When my son asked him how he was going to pay of his latest huge ass RV, he said “I won’t, I will be dead so I don’t care” He said this right in front of her. This was a year before he died.

She is 68 now, so maybe there is an 80 year old codger in her trailer park whose wife doesn’t understand him. I doubt it though because if he has any money he can get a 30 year old in this day and age.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I did the same with Father’s Day, and yup, #doublestandards.

My ex left terrible sh-t splashes in the toilet, rim, and seat, which got worse after D-day, almost as if he were doing it on purpose (and I think he might have been), and got angry when I complained about it. I actually took a picture of the worst one, so I could remind myself when I got nostalgic.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

My GOD!! You took a picture! Love it.

Mine had an issue with the splashes, we well. I finally asked him to clean after he went. He reluctantly did a half-ass job.

Now that I’m alone, my toilet stays so clean. It’s remarkable.

I escaped a shitty situation in more ways than one.

Langele
Langele
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Just a comment on the toilet bowl story.

Poopy diaper face X was perpetually displeased.

I kept our house pretty clean with all the kids and dogs and activities and farm work and such.

Of course it was never good enough for X.

So during the separation stage (after 35 years of serial cheating) which I won’t go into but it took five years or more to get divorced-iamchumpiknow, I only returned to the house occasionally from working a lot of the year out of state.

The house was so dirty and the bathroom so disgusting – the toilet was like one of those old gas station toilets in the bad part of town that hadn’t been cleaned since the last time I had visited like four months prior.

I never cleaned the toilet again.

I’m suure that impressed Schmoopie #18 & #19. Good times, good times.

Langele
Langele
2 years ago
Reply to  Langele

My farm work, not his.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

*as well (I got so excited that I didn’t proofread. lol)

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

The Mother’s Day one. That’s me. After he pulled that when my son was 3 months old, the next year my 15 month old “told” me 😉 to drive us to Tiffany’s so he could buy me a lovely “Mom” pendant and chain. FW started freaking out because then I would have little guy “buy” me things. He caved in and started buying things for me with our son because he didn’t want me spending extravagantly. He doesn’t ask my son for input and just buys me a chia pet now or something similarly dumb. My son has caught on to these weird gifts when I compare them to the nice things I help him buy for FW for Father’s Day. So I have returned to also buying stuff for myself. He can suck my toe if he doesn’t like it. I’m buying everything I ever want before I drop papers, making up for lost time. Eff him.

RaffNoMore
RaffNoMore
2 years ago

My sister takes my kids shopping for me. For Mother’s Day I take them to buy plants or flowers. Hand them the money, find a clerk to help them to make sure they don’t over spend, then stand away with my back turned. They then present me with the gifts. It is so sweet because unlike the sperm that contributed to creat them, they are super thoughtful gift givers!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  RaffNoMore

Before my ex got to the “you’re not my mother” stage, when our son was small, he would ask what I wanted, and for three years I told him I wanted a lilac for the back yard. So he’d go to the nursery and buy one, and he and my son would bring it up the stairs to the bedroom in the morning to present it to me, but then it would be my job to get it downstairs, out the door, and dig the hole to get it into the ground.
Talk about red flags (and repression).

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago

YMBAC if you ….
-believe those late night phone notifications are actually news alerts.
– believe the work trips are actually work trips
-believed he like to man groom to hunt (even I have to laugh about that)!
-find lipgloss in his vehicle and it’s no big deal, he and howorker “have” to work in his vehicle
-if you believe they have to work in his vehicle
-if you find a jewelry box and are never given the gift
-your Mother’s Day flowers get sent to another address (not his mom’s)
-he starts exercising just to be healthy
-he starts sleeping on the couch
-money disappears or the budget doesn’t make sense
– you find unrecognizable apps on their phone
-if they have an extra phone
-if they lock things like a vault
-if your children start mentioning another woman/man
-you find changes of clothes, underwear, swimsuits in their vehicle
-you grew up with a toxic family system that gave you a screwed up view of reality and you’re voice was silenced, also this silences your intuition. FW prey on that shit.

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago
Reply to  Longtime Chump

Man groom to go hunting? ???? I must remember to shave my balls next time I go fishing.

Queen of Chumps
Queen of Chumps
2 years ago
Reply to  Longtime Chump

The manual of what my husband did. Are we married to the same “man”???

Word by word. Those fws are not very creative lol!

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago

Lol! Maybe so, they all work from the same manual. So thankful that I finally saw through his lies, he still denies everything! Which is laughable. Glad you saw through too!

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago

YMBAC if you believe the bullshit that he wants to work on the marriage and actually accept his proposal to renew wedding vows in Central Park on the day of your 30th anniversary( and fail to get a post nup). Gag.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Why on earth do they want to renew vows when they know what they are doing.

My fw the year before Dday suggested it for our 20th anniversary. I said no, we haven’t broken our first vows yet. (HA) He was balls deep in strange and had been at it for years.

When I think that I gave my heart and body to that low life, I still want to vomit.

Beans
Beans
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

My ex tattooed my name on his arm in 1.5 inch block print the day after he spent the afternoon screwing his mistress while I was out of town. So I have questions like this myself. ????????????????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Beans

Cheaters are bat shit crazy.

I don’t really buy affair fog, but sometimes I think it has to be something that is cutting off their brain usage.

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Susie Lee. I had to conclude it was because those vows meant nothing to him while I took mine seriously. Wackjob.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

True, I had wondered when he went to Vegas to marry the whore if it crossed his mind that he had done this before and didn’t keep his vows. Nah, they meant nothing when he said them to me, and they meant nothing when he said them to her. He proved that less than two years later, well he got caught cheating on her less than two years later, he likely started cheating while he was in Vegas.

bread&roses
bread&roses
2 years ago

-The “little something” you open for Christmas is not the sentimental gift you thought your partner had been secretly arranging. (That mysterious business was clandestine meetings with an OW.) It’s a safety vest and a car filter. ‘Oh, I guess he really did mean a little something.’
-You say, “I really value how we can be so independent and also committed in our relationship. It makes me feel both free and secure.” (Several years into being cheated on and having NO CLUE.)
-You feel guilty, jealous and controlling for requesting that he get rid of mementos and emails from APs because he’s sentimental and doesn’t want to destroy his personal history. You earnestly ask friends if it’s unreasonable for you to feel uncomfortable about this.
-You make a list of your strengths and all of the things you have to offer as a partner.
-You apologize in MC for being hesitant to trust your cheating, lying partner.
-When you discover CL, you are amazed to learn how many others have heard/experienced almost the exact same things!

The following end with, “…and you stay anyway.”:
-Your MC says, “I’m hearing you say Chump is closer to you than anyone in the world,” to which he responds, “Yet.”
-Your MC asks him to talk about what he wants in your future relationship, and he responds, “We argued that time eight years ago on a bike trip.”

Sarah
Sarah
2 years ago

You give him your appt for a massage even though you set that up for yourself after chemo because his neck hurt and he was going skiing with his “brother”. Aka as his girlfriend. While our son was in the hospital.

Langele
Langele
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah

I would gave done that for X fuckwit back then. What the hell was wrong with me.

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah

They are so awful. Sorry you experienced that.

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago
Reply to  Sarah

That’s truly dreadful. I’m sorry you experienced that.

Lori
Lori
2 years ago

You didn’t ask for anything in the divorce you were entitled to like alimony because you wanted him to think you were sweet and come back. Thank you reconciliation industry. Just another pick me dance….

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago