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Don’t Date This Person

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douchebaagBWDon’t you wish cheaters came with forehead stamps? Abandon Hope All Ye Who Date Me! Kibble Whore. Flaming Freak.

But no. We’re left to our own faulty powers of discernment.

After reading my umpteenth letter of Relationship Recitation with Waving Red Flags, I thought I should compile a list of People You Should Not Date. Feel free to add to the list. Maybe we can save the next generation of chumps.

Drama Doris. Life has been very unfair to Drama Doris, but you there (what’s your name?) You Understand. Could you bring her a cold compress for her forehead while she collapses on this fainting sofa? And maybe some snack crackers? You’re so sexy when you’re useful. All these other losers tried to bring her snack crackers and understand her pain, and failed! But you… you truly understand that she hates caraway seeds.

Sparkles Mc Gee. Incandescent in the 100-watt glow of his flaming ego, tap dancing his way into your affections, flattering the socks off you is Sparkles McGee. Yes YOU ARE THE CHOSEN ONE. Aren’t you lucky to win one so fabulous? Sparkles drops love bombs on you like you were Dresden. He thinks you should move into together! He’s picked out names for your future miniature schnauzers! It’s only been three weeks, but hey, you’re the one. (The one who will regret ever meeting him.)

You-Don’t-Mind Martha. Martha is still friends with all her ex-boyfriends. You don’t mind, do you? Tuesday – Saturday is Girl’s Night Out. Ronny is just a guy she works out with at the gym. A friend. No, you’re not invited to her Pilates class. You don’t mind, right?

Ambivalent Andrew. He could love you… if ONLY. If only his girlfriend wasn’t overseas right now. (He needs closure.) If only he wasn’t so tormented by his devotion to voting rights in Namibia. If only you tried a wee bit harder to win him. Ooh! So close! He feels something for you! But nope… it passed. Oh hang on! There it is again! Did anyone ever tell you what nice tits you have? You do. And so does that Sarah chick on Facebook. No, of course she doesn’t mean anything to him. He likes your tits better. He could even love you if ONLY…

Mourning Mona. No one can ever replace Ralph. Just don’t even try. He was the love of her life, but cruelly went to college on the other side of the state. Wouldn’t you like to know all about their break up? Or the funny hijinks they got up to on high school year book staff? You should’ve been there! But of course, you weren’t. It’s 15 years later, and thanks to Facebook she can see he’s married someone undeserving who really doesn’t get him the way she got him. They’ve reconnected! No, no. It’s just friends. She’s just getting some closure, so she can move on and focus on your relationship. And your inadequacies. Your not-Ralph inadequacies.

Two-Buck Chuck. Due to an Unfortunate Circumstance Utterly Beyond His Control, Two-Buck Chuck needs a loan. I mean, he wouldn’t ask, it’s just that he’s short because he’s spent all his money on something special for you. He can’t say, it’s a surprise. He’s also helping his widowed mother learn Esperanza. And he sponsored a couple orphans. He wouldn’t mention it but… Thanks. The orphans will really appreciate it.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
      • Sparkles is mine too, with a little Martha thrown in. There was always a rotating entourage of admirers, but in lo those many years I never met a childhood friend.

    • Come on, you guys. Did any of YOUR cheating exes make an entire CAREER (well, not that it ever made a speck of money) out of producing videos of themselves dancing and singing in a furry Sasquatch costume complete with blue face? Or claim that they are writing an entire SERIES of children’s books about this mysterious creature? The books have a HUGE marketing campaign coming in the fall of 2015, so I’m sure you’ll hear all about them (not kidding, he sent me a text saying that.) My ex Sparkles like nobody else, LOL! Of course, it is quite possible my ex was sleeping with all of you, so I guess we can share him. 😉

      • GIO – honestly, yours is a special kind all in itself, no doubt. I saw the videos when I first found this site almost a year and a half ago and it’s just sad. Just sad and pathetic. Makes for a good laugh for me but I can’t even begin to imagine how that might have been for you! I admire you, honestly. Your ex, as of today, is one that really stands out…literally. I mean, we all have fucktards, but that one is some kind of special, in a freakishly, ugly bad way!!! Just wrong. Just plain wrong. I want to hug you.

      • GIO, I understand. My husband (with no writing experience) was disappointed that I didn’t get super excited when he wasted a month on writing a script for a political satire — never mind that he didn’t know anything about American politics. But there’s a trailer for this non-existant sit com on YouTube somewhere. Also he wanted to republish all of Shakespeare’s works under the name “Anonymous” because he doesn’t believe Shakespeare is the true author of those works. These poor guys — you almost have to feel sorry for them. Almost. (I wanna see the sasquatch vids!)

        • Mine credits himself on his website as starring in a TV show. In reality, the “show” is three YouTube videos he made. If that’s all it takes, then my daughter is starring in her own long-running series.

    • Sparkles is mine, mine, mine! Or he was, was, was until I realised those sparkles covered up one holy hell of a messed up asshat.

  • You forgot the Jesus Cheater freak. The one where the planets aligned (genitals too) to fulfill their cosmic destiny as ordained by Our Lord, Jesus Christ. Because, ya know, God says we should love everybody…..even if we and those every bodies are legally committed to other people. Live!Laugh!Love!!!

    • I’m surprised that didn’t make the initial list. “God wants me to be happy.” “We’re all sinners.” “Be like Hosea!” “Turn the other cheek.” “Forgiveness!!!”

        • “I’ve already forgiven myself, and prayed to Jesus for forgiveness. If you can’t forgive me right now, then I just don’t see how this marriage has a chance.”

          • GladIt’sOver–I heard something similar about not being able to forgive. My response was, “you’re right, this marriage doesn’t have a chance.” I filed the next business day. 9 a.m.

          • I think you need to add the biggest Jesus cheater trump card, “If you were a good Christian, you’d forgive me…”.

            When cornered, those who use religion as both a club and a shield in their own warped war on reason resort to pointing out that you cannot be a good christian because you are still judging them.

            • TimeHeals – retort: “If YOU were a good Christian, you wouldn’t have fucked a skank and in the process broken all Ten Commandments”. Hypocrites!

              • Well, I look at it this way. People who are truly remorseful and who might deserve forgiveness don’t act like it’s owed to them by those they have wronged.

                Where’s the remorse and humility? If it isn’t there, all they are doing is using religion to shore up their sense of entitlement.

        • Oh crap. I heard that shit over and over. What a load of bullshit. My Jesus cheater has told my children that mama is going to hell for wearing jeans and divorcing daddy. God and his priest has forgiven him for throwing a frigging hand grenade of pornography addiction, financial irresponsibility and ruin along with some domestic violence into our family. Mama is soo bitter. Her anger is eating her alive. She needs to forgive daddy,or she is not being a good Catholic. We must all pray very very hard for her.I will never give mama a divorce. Arghhhhhhhhhhhh! What a psycho.. I think the Jesus cheaters are the most delusional.

          • OMG Irish. My husband EXACTLY. The only thing is we are not Catholic, and, my Ex was a “devoted” abuser. You know how they say that Narcissists “project” their unwanted characteristics and feelings on to others? My Ex projectile vomited his onto me and my son for years.

            The man did say he had “opportunities to step out on me” – shouldn’t I be so grateful he didn’t?? You mean I’m not kissing the ground he walked on because he didn’t??

            He is in “Christian-based” therapy (and, by the way, therapy was court-ordered).

            • Oh yeah. He did years of Catholic based “counseling” like that was going to magically change him from a lying, cheating, pornsturbater.. hmmmm ……Of course if I had been a better wife……or maybe a little more forgiving… and JUST EAT THE SHIT SANDWICH AND PRETEND ITS HAM AND CHEESE DAMMIT. But nope. I’m just stubborn that way I guess LOL.

    • Reverend Imaho helped my STBX “find” Jesus – I can only assume she believes Jesus lives in her vagina. And when Irish when you say the are probably the most delusional, I have to agree. The Righteous Reverend told me STBX that God had brought them together. Sure – God says thou shalt not commit adultery and thou shalt not covet, but he’s suddenly using those tools as matchmaking devices. These people are shit on a stick.

      • Apparently, I’m more tired than I realized. That should read: “And Irish when you say they.” My Kingdom for a proofreader!

      • Shortly after dday, my ex wrote to me that God brought him his OW and affair in answer to his prayers to remove his unquenchable desire for sex with other men. That’s so wrong on so many levels it makes my head spin. Plus, it didn’t work.

      • Chump Princess, I love “Reverend IMAHO,” I’m totally going to use this to refer to my exes new wife. They are both pastors and should have some sense of integrity but apparently not.

    • Oh my gosh! You married a “Jesus Cheater” too? My D-Day was last January with some revealing texts from a woman he had an affair with – a member in our church (and wife of an Elder – my husband is an Elder as well), He started the relationship long before we even met, and somehow managed to keep the embers going with her through our dating, engagement, and into our marriage without my knowledge because I was a Chump – I trusted him instead of my gut telling me “something’s not quite right, but I can’t identify it”. She wanted to be close friends with me – even made my bridal bouquet! Stunned and pressured spiritually, I forgave him….but continued my investigation (I’m a former news person). My results turned out he had , at one time or another within the past few years, slept with a handful of women in the church – calling it “Charity Sex – I went to bed with them to help them feel better about themselves” (his exact words). If the incident in January was like a baseball bat to the kneecaps, his attempt this last August at trying to arrange a foursome with some couple of strangers through Craigslist personals covertly/without my knowledge or consent (oh HELL NO would I EVER give him my consent) using private/provocative photos of me as bait – with my face in them (they were taken for HIS EYES only, and he knew it), was the Kill Shot. I moved out a week ago while he was at work, now living with family – three hours from him. What should be my next move? Chump Nation – I salute you!

      • I hope you took financial records with you (or can start downloading them from on-line). Lawyer up, Curlyharpgirl, lawyer up.

        • I don’t have money yet for an attorney. I plan on going to legal aid tomorrow morning to see what my rights are. He has taken my name off our joint bank account (without my knowledge – just discovered it a couple of days ago), and cancelled the auto insurance to the vehicle he drives, but the title is in both our names – he changed to another insurance company (and I just found out about this tonight). My next question is not naïve, but I would appreciate some validation/confirmation: does it sound like he’s getting ready to “Lawyer up”?

          • Yes, he’s already thought things through and will lawyer up soon. If you have cause to file (e.g., adultery), GO DO IT on your own, even without a lawyer (I did). NOW. Most states have some ability to pay less or none at all if you can’t afford the filing fee.

            You don’t have time to waste if he’s already taken your name off the bank account. But if you’re in a community property state, half of that money is yours. If you have his social security number, run a credit check to see where he has hidden money (technically illegal, but you’ll need the info.)

      • Nope. Not a Jesus Cheater, my spouse. His MOW is the Jesus Cheater. Scripture and Ass smacking, anal bead lovin’ Porn. Her favorite emails. (My retinas cannot unsee all of their crap.)

        It’s vile to be such a hypocrite. Apparently the Mary Kay cow of Corona CA in all of her grandiose religiosity forgot the 7th Commandment. It’s a shame her congregation does not get to know all the ways she “makes people feel good about themselves” in the biblical sense.

        Obviously I am not MEH about her fat ass hypocrisy in spewing her Christian Values via her prolapsed anus and gaping vagina….

        Hiding under the banner of God. Ya know, she and asshat would be stoned to death according to the Old Testament. Doubt she even read The Book.

        • ANC I don’t blame you for still being upset with her hypocrite ass! They make me sick talk all that God stuff and then doing so much wrong right under his nose! I had the Jesus cheaters too! I told her when I see her that God told me it was ok to destroy evil and I was going to wip her ass lol….of course I never see and she’s not worth going to jail for

  • OR the Sparkly, high-status guy with that enticing air of vulnerability, just destined to rope in proto-chumps–all the allure of Sparkles McGee, but he needs help and support and a lot of reassurances that you love him.

    barf.

      • Same with my ex, His go- to vulnerability act is convincing those around him that he is very sick.
        “Forget all the horrible things I’ve done to my family, I think I have Aids, Lou Gehrig’s, cancer etc.” Every 6 months it’s something different. He is sick…sick in the head.

        • All of my X’s family (including him the moment we got divorced) have been “so very sick” on and off for basically all the time I’ve been involved in the family and are going to have to have life-saving and/or threatening surgery at any moment! It’s scheduled! The doctors don’t give them good odds! And then you ask what happened when the surgery never happens, why it’s a miracle! Straight from God himself! They miraculously healed! It’s all very Drama Queen or Munchusen by Proxy.

    • I retract my Sparkles McGee claim and instead lay claim to this type, because this is my ex in a nutshell. He’s just so sensitive and needs so much assurance! And I didn’t devote myself to doing that 24/7 so OF COURSE he had to fill in the gaps with a variety of fresh vagina. New chump/final OW was so happy to listen to all his problems, not realising that she’s not saving him, she’s sacrificing her young self. I wish her well. 😉

      • Nord,

        Your ex may have been a bigamist because I swear this sounds eerily similar to Mr. Vulnerable Flaming Turd of Satan.

  • OMG! Sparkles McGee! That what I call my dog! LOL (His real name is Sparky McGee) He’s not a cheater though. He’s a super sweet border collie mix. Who’s been neutered. My STBXH…..he was also a Sparkles McGee. In the bad, not so cute way you meant it. Not neutered.

  • How about Hero Horace who only rescues damsels in distress so you don’t meet the low standards being as how you are an emotionally healthy woman.

    • Hero Horace!!!
      “Loves” and nurtures you while cheating the whole time..which of course you don’t believe because of course these OW’s just hate to see you happy, and he loves you! Then does it right in front of your face when you begin to be be strong and happy because you begin to love yourself…and he wants to make you pay. And so you pay, and pay…till you’re broke, financially, spiritually, physically, a crying, puking mess.
      Thank you Let Go!

      • Holy smokes, hopefully the last of picking a jackass. Hero Horace is my liar, cheater, faker’s MO. Opens the door, a kiss every day, a phone call at noon, pours your wine, saves the homeless dog, helpless enough to endear you to him, introduces you first, helps the lady in distress, takes out the trash, sucks you for every dime you have, uses it on massage parlors, opens the door, a kiss every day, pours your wine, fills himself with pornography 1-3PM, a phone call at noon, introduces you first, saves the homeless dog, helpless enough to endear you to him, sucks you for every dime, uses it on massage parlors, opens the door…. all while waiting, waiting, waiting to fuck you over when you feel good about yourself.

        MF used to say, “Timing is everything…”

        Manipulative, parasitic flea….I hosted a flea….WTF

        I am a fool…my next fellow with have to pass the ChumpNation “Cheater Check” before the second date and every date thereafter. I do not trust myself.

        • And THIS resembles mine too. He didn’t outright cheat – but loved that internet porn, and told me he had “opportunities to step out” – and everything else you mention. It fucks your brains up SO bad; because, you see that “wonderful” side of him and think – “That HAS to take over the bad shit at SOME point”.

          Where’s the Cheater Check?

          • I was actually approached recently by a very flashy Sparkles McGee and I am proud to say that I heard the alarm bells going off immediately… years ago my chump vision was cloudy and I didn’t recognize my husband as a version of Calamity Jane’s -‘Hero Horice’- but my chump eyes have been opened ( or rather intently piercingly narrowed) to those smarmy tricks now – and so I smiled and nodded listened to his grandiose stories and thought OMG I hope I never see you again as I walked away ….so It seems I’ve learnt more from this experience that I first thought.
            My cheater also told me he had resisted the approaches of young women…one in particular that he said had thought he could advance her career ….oh thanks for that dick-wad… so does that mean the other 15 years of fucking prostitutes and lying to me should be ignored or forgiven. Oh and the number of times men have flirted with me and I have told them to sod off – do I get bonus points because I simply wasn’t interested because I WAS MARRIED

            • Kristil, this story sounds so, so familiar. (Is there a cheater template in some factory? A Cheater Playbook?) Hope you are doing better now.

      • I’m beginning to believe STBX suffers from multiple personality disorder because every time I read a different one (Hero Horace) I can recognize aspects of his personality. Isn’t it sad that NONE of his personalities could be a faithful husband.

    • Excellent, Let Go!

      Yeah, ‘Hero Horace’! That is my cheaterpants!! Always ‘helping’ some ‘poor’ Drama Doris.

      Because we emotionally healthy individuals do not ‘need’ them / we scare them / we remind them how unhealthy they are!

      Always have to have someone near that is more unhealthy than they are to make them look ‘normal’.

      So, explain to me again how boinking them ‘helps’ improve their marriage?

      SICKOS!

      Splendid post, Tracy!

      ForgeOn, Nation!

      • Mine’s a Hero Horace. He loves to prey on vulnerable women. Presently he’s with someone who lives with Mom. I’d love to warn her but nah, she can figure that one out herself. If she knows he cheated on me and she’s cool with that, God help her.

    • Oh Hero Horace…with a side of Jesus Cheater that’s mine!! He has to help others in need because that’s what God would want him to do and now I should forgive him because that’s what God would want me to do! Geeesh! I keep asking him if God wanted him to cheat on his wife…he has yet to answer that question!

      • Mine is Sparkles McGee and Hero Horace with a large dose of Jesus Cheater. Because he’s SO fabulous, he ALWAYS helps damsels in distress…just like Jesus would!

        It’s like we were all married to the same guy. Ew!

        • Hey there Red! No, not the same guy (or girl). Clones!!! They are all just clones—Clones of Satan himself!! Perhaps a little BORG thrown in for good measure?

          And, actually, mine has few sparkles but lots of the ‘Jesus Cheater’. (Yes, he WAS an ordained Minister, by the way. Not No Mo’!! Spent too much time ‘helping’ the married females [you know, Drama Doris?] that came to him for counsel!)

          Hang tough, Red! You are here among the ‘best of the best of the best’!!

          PS to Nation: Love / Love / Love all the insightful comments, wisdom (and chuckles) posted today!

          ForgeOn, Wise Ones…….

          PS to Tracy: Perhaps a re-write of this topic, with the other types of ‘cheaters’ added to your amazing list, should become one of the featured posts, along side “Stupid (-bleep-) Cheaters Say”. What do you say, Nation?

  • All of these people/types seem to be lacking an ability to reflect on themselves, or to see themselves as others see them. That’s what my (soon to be ex) wife is like. I guess she might be called Self-Absorbed Suzie. She thinks she’s doing things that are independent and cool, but from an outside perspective they make her look like a lazy, spoiled, sometimes blatantly rude fool. She also had a long affair that helped to “wake her up” at midlife, something she really needed “for herself”!

    • Something “for herself,” like a massage or a pedicure!

      It’s ironic that these character disordered people are SOOO into impression management (see CL’s interview with George Simon), and yet SOOO bad at it.

      • You’re so right. I think that obsession with how they’re perceived is a symptom of Borderline Personality Disorder (to varying degrees). They need to appear flawless, and they do whatever they have to do to create that impression. But anyone with even a hint of perspicacity can see that they’re not flawless — just profoundly insecure. An insecure narcissist is a dangerous animal, especially when her chump husband is willing to fork out thousands of dollars for plastic surgery (of course I did this before D-day.)

        • Charles is spot on. My ex borrowed $5000 from his dad to get his teeth whitened with veneers. That very same week, he texted me in a rage that he would NOT pay his share of our son’s desperately needed braces, because his picking up son for their dinner visitations, then driving him home again (this was a distance of one MILE between homes) counted as his share of the money. All that mattered to my ex was his own shiny white teeth to impress people. His own son meant nothing.

          • My loser X can’t swing half the fees for our son’s college applications, but he was able to scrounge enough money for a 10-day trip to Hedonism with his skank in Jamaica last month.

            • Please talk to your son’s counselor at school. Fees for some can be waived. Also do not waste fees applying until your son knows for sure he wants to attend! Visit the schools first! Then apply. My ex walked out on three. Our firstborn scrambled to finish her junior and senior years of college on her own dime, child number two received $350. dollars for his first semester at University (The rest was my parent loan, that university didn’t know how to help “someone in my situation” but ones who do are what you and your son need) and our youngest pretty much did it all by herself. They all qualified for financial aid on my salary though and after the divorce the financial aid offices were a lot of help. I make 14k/yr part time teaching-am working on getting ft work! :)-and took a huge pay cut when I relocated. Their dad makes 127k and shows up to graduation ceremonies. Lol. Needless to say, my kids rock because (while the disordered will do anything to place roadblocks in the way of others) they refused to give up on their dreams!

        • Wow…just wow. That makes so much so clear. Basically, I was the best thing that he had going for him. 🙂 Not trying to toot my own horn, but it is a lot easier to see that now that the blinders are off. Thanks, Tracy!

  • Mine was a male Drama Doris. A Drama Dorito, if you will! Because gawd knows unless freshly showered his groin smelled like a bag of them. Amirite? Ladies! Get in Line! Who wouldn’t want a wheelbarrow of that? And you get to hear about all the Mene Wadies before you who were So Mene. But not you- You’re the One! Until next week. Mmmmm. Doritos!

        • now you just fucked with my favorite snack, I will never look at taco flavored doritos the same way again, dammit

          • Ohhhhh!!! Ladies / Ladies / Ladies!!! Am ROTFLMRO!!

            My (STBX) Cheaterpants’ favorite lunch includes Doritos!!

            Hey! Don’t let these scumbags take the good things of life away from you!! You still OWN those Doritos! Savor them! Do Not give them to the cheaters…….

            Personally, I think I will wet myself laughing every time I see a bag of Doritos from here on out!!

            Laugh on, Nation! Laugh on…..

  • It is good to find a way to laugh at these characters — the laughter diminishes their influence, and helps you to put perspective back into your world.

    I think it is sad that we are trained by so many cultural influences to be chumps. We don’t learn to take care of our safety and sanity first, before we start giving to and caring for others. We reach adulthood chock full of fairy tale characters, Prince Charming will fight our battles and save us, Beautiful Princess will always be sweet and compliant, True Love will cure all evils. None of this is helpful in the real world.

    The truth about dating in today’s world is that you cannot believe anything you are told, and very little of what you see. You have to check it all out, looking for facts instead of statements, and watching actions instead of listening to words. We don’t want to believe there are so many sordid evil minded people in our daily lives — but we rub shoulders with lower life forms every day. We have to get over the big fairy tale “Some enchanted evening, you will meet a stranger, ” and all stars will align and you will find new, true love, and all your problems will go away, and the stranger will be perfect and the answer to every desire you have ever had. What rubbish!!!!

    We need to expect that there will be problems and that irritating little issues from our past will follow us around. Real Life and Real Relationships require time and energy and work, and happiness is not guaranteed. People develop character over time, and people who have lived a life full of “mistakes” and “misunderstandings” are not suddenly going to have a revelation and change their entire character over night. Seriously, if there is a string of bad relationships and addictions, and abuse — why would we believe that the person would be changed for us? We have to learn from our own mistakes and bad judgement, and work on setting and enforcing our own boundaries. We have to learn to protect our heart and our possessions and accomplishments. We have to SLOW down, and trust that time and observations will lead us to the truth. No fairy god mother will waive a wand and make all our problems disappear. Illusion is not your friend.

    Watch out for Mr “I’m tired of being alone” — ask yourself why he is alone at this time in his life? Check out his story, don’t just believe it because he told it. Beware of Ms “I just want to make YOU happy” – ask yourself why she isn’t still making her former partner happy? If she is so willing to put your needs above her own — what is wrong with this picture? Do you really believe this attitude will last? All the games we play when we are “dating” cause us to have unrealistic expectations, and lead to disappointment. Try being honest, especially with yourself. Do not pretend to like something just because your date does. If you don’t like it, don’t act like you do just to “get along.” It is dishonest.

    In my life I have learned that it is much better to be alone and happy, instead of being in a relationship and unhappy. Dating is fine, and maybe some day I will meet someone I am compatible with, and we can keep each other company. I will not be singing “Fools rush in, where Angels fear to tread” while I do so.

    • Recently met a Sparkly Person. Intense eyes that attempted to gaze into mine with that, “You and me, baby, we know something special that the rest of these fools don’t know” expression. Attempted, but failed because I didn’t return the gaze. Took care of business and moved on, leaving him to try the gaze on more receptive prey.

      I have developed an acute allergy to people who can hurt me. I probably kind of overreact to them, but am trusting this as an early stage of growing my new superpower of discernment.

      Asked my therapist if recognizing the signs and reacting defensively to people who were behaving in ways that seemed potentially hurtful that meant I was paranoid. He asked if I reacted like that to everyone. I said no, and he said, “Then you’re not paranoid. That’s just normal behavior.” Wow! Who knew?

    • This comment is for Portia. Thanks for your insightful post. Should be required reading, not only for us chumps, but for all our children as they venture out in the dating world. Best piece that I have read in a while!

      • Agreed. I copied it and put it in a new folder called “dating” for that time many, many, many years hence when I may consider dating again

  • What about the “If Only Everyone Was Lucky Enough to Have Me Harold” (or Harriet)…the one that says stuff like, “All the soccer moms wish their husband was like me – their terrible men don’t pay ANY attention to them, so I offered to help them repair their car/fix their sink/cut their grass”…or “these kids don’t have dads who pay attention to them, so I’m their role model/male influence/hero.” Never mind the fact “If Only” never repairs his own car, fixes stuff at his house, cuts his own grass, or sees his own kids. He’s a HERO to others, and aren’t you a terrible bitchy wife for not seeing how IMPORTANT he is to these needy people. How dare you ask him to play with HIS kids for 5 minutes a day – OTHER KIDS NEED HIM! I can’t count the number of times I heard, “I don’t know why YOU can’t appreciate me more! All the women at work tell me how LUCKY you are to be married to me!” Yeah, lucky was not the work I would have used. Good riddance.

    • OMG, that sounds just like my ex as well. Constantly telling our son how son was obviously an angry, disturbed, foolish, immature, brainwashed individual who had to be on drugs because “everyone else” thinks ex is a gift from God, sent here to free the planet from bullying with his rainbow beams of positive energy. Ex can’t figure out why son now has him blocked on his phone and on Facebook.

    • One of the ho workers my STBX was f’ing, needed him to come over and fix things at her house. Their time was always planned when her 5 kids were with their dad. My cheater would treat her to dinner out, ‘fix’ whatever she needed done, then they would f’ck. It was his pre-planned reward for helping her out..

      During fake reconciliation and even recently when he’s offered to help me with something at the house, all I could think of was ‘there’s certainly no reward in it for you!”. I never accepted his help – I’d rather figure it out myself than think about his reward from her!

    • Wow, Redefining, my now ex said the same EXACT thing to me one night a few months before dday. It was that red flag that FINALLY got my attention….Sounds like our ex’s are cut from the same “special” cloth 🙁

      • His actual words were, “You don’t know how many women I’ve talked to at work that would love to be in your shoes!”

        • I got a similar comment and just to drive the point home, he likes to take her on trips that we’d always gone on: same places, same hotels, same restaurants. Since travel was our thing, this is something that really eats at me.

          She also stalked my Social media (I’m very active IRL and have a blog) and started using the memes/hashtags I use, posting similar pictures, etc. So yeah, I guess she did want, and is, getting my life.

          • Wait until she finds that the life she wanted (yours) is accompanied by cheating & deception, too. Karma!!

            (and love your icon–I had Gloria Gaynor’s “I will survive” on continuous loop for about 10 days after D-day.)

          • No ExpatChump, she is not getting your life, she is getting your cheating pos. YOU are getting your life…..getting it back, she’s just a bit of shit trying to be you. Jedi Hugs!

  • “Just Happened Jim.”

    Things in life “just happen.” Why can’t you understand that it “just happened?”

    “Just friends Fred”

    We are “just friends” Why can’t I have “friends?” You have friends, don’t you?

    • If anyone utters that phrase to me ever again I will brain them with a chair.
      It is the biggest red flag a man can wave at me after hearing it for years about MOW .

    • I was married
      My wife was involved in an accident at the workplace
      She was mistakenly impaled by a co-worker’s penis
      They were “just friends” and had taken all the precautions they could
      The workplace safety protocols are in place, but
      Sometimes no matter how careful you are things happen
      Before you know it someone gets stabbed with a penis

      Just Friends Don’t Just Fuck Co-workers

  • Mine ex-wife was a Sparkles McGee. On the third date, she said that a little voice inside her head, 6 months earlier when we first met, had told her we’d get married someday.

    Sigh.

    Instead of running from a crazy, love-bombing statement like that, I thought I could wait her out with time — yes, time would prove to her that a rational, sane relationship was what she was really after. 3 years later, I proposed. Another 5 years later, she was cheating on me with another “chosen one.”

    There is no such thing as a soul mate. Yes, we all connect with some people more than other people. But love takes time.

  • We need a Brooding Brad on this list. Best I can tell, he’s the male version of Drama Dorris. He loves you intensely at the outset. You’re the only one who “gets” him. He comes in a couple flavors: bad boy, liberal arts intellectual, and techno nerd. (Introverted nerdy chumpettes should be particularly wary of those last two categories.) Over time, the intense love focus shifts to criticism. You’re too needy. He LOVES you, but he needs his space (at the bar “alone”/in the bedroom on the computer for hours with the door locked/wandering aimlessly). Brooding Brad is essentially an attention whore. He’ll confound you with his numerous EAs that are “just friends”. Until one isn’t and it’s all your fault.

    Great list as always Chump Lady. 🙂

    • Ooh yes, mine was a kailedoscope of Sparkles and Brooding Brad and Drama Doris–the love bombing when he needed affection, then drama after he was misunderstood, followed by coldness, rejection & criticism. All aboard the F&cktard Express!

    • Oh yes – I have that one…. Brooding Brian, actually. Professor d’arte. Remember the line from Chicago? Cell Block Tango…

      “…a real artistic guy, sensitive, a painter
      But he was always trying to find himself
      He go out every night looking for himself
      And on the way, he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving

      I guess you can say we broke up because of artistic differences
      He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead

      The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum”

      He LOVED that part. Touche, Mr. Painter. Touche. 🙂
      Ugh. Yak.

    • Awesome KudzuGirl I had a bad boy Brooding Brian and then I was deemed needy, controlling and mean to not let him have any “friends.” Boo whaaa! From Sparkles McGee, huge ow Hero Horace, Just Friends Fred, You Dont mind Mark, with a sprinkle of Ambivalent Andrew to let me know “if only” then he could truly love me.

      – whoa no wonder my head was spinning!

  • I’d add “Fairy Tale Farrah”, like others were saying – sort of like a secular Jesus Cheater. “It was just meant to be! It’s fate! We’re soul mates! Everything happens for a reason! YOLO!”

    • Yeah, and sometimes the ‘reason’ is that they are stupid and make dumb decisions!!!

      sheesh…..cheaters are just SOOOO disgusting!!!! In so many ways / on so many levels………..barf…

      ForgeOn, Loyal ones…..

  • You forgot “I Have a Beautiful Mind” Michael. He’s way too complex for anyone to understand him. He had an unconventional upbringing because of his off the charts IQ score. He tries hard to be just a normal guy, but who is he kidding? What, fold the laundry? I’m afraid I wasn’t taught that at the developmentally appropriate time and I’ll never be able to learn it now. Is this right? No? See, I told you I couldn’t do it. But I make up for it with my amazing intellect, don’t worry. You want me to help the kids plant a tree in the backyard? I’m afraid my time is more valuable than that. I have a very high paying and important job where people would frown upon me getting my hands dirty. Did you forget to worship me today? That was a mistake. I’ll have to find someone else now, but could you do my laundry while I’m out looking for your replacement? You know I can’t do it. Please don’t question me anymore or I may have a mental breakdown and not be able to go to work for three days because I’m huddled in the fetal position. You wouldn’t want that, would you?

    • OMG, were we married to the same person? (and the name is eerie) Except for the fetal position–that would require admitting that he wasn’t in control, and we all know that he is.

      • Actually, I’m going with “Mercurial Michael”–one part charm, one part “I’m all that–now worship,” one part vulnerability, and two parts Mr. Psychological Control & Criticism. All jackass.

        • Mine really liked to play up his vulnerability and helplessness. In that way they were probably different. I could have gone on and on….but I like “Mercurial Michael.” ; ) I left out the part where all of his superiors at work were really jealous of him and made power plays to get rid of him-his excuse for having to leave so many jobs. Always for greener pastures, of course!

    • Part Cheapskate Charlie and part Half-truth Hal. The silent, brooding type (because he had no real personality) who insisted on paying the check (because he had a coupon and stiffed the waitress anyway) at the restaurant (where he foraged through the garbage one night to pull out all the top-shelf liquor bottles to pour his cheap hootch in for his home-built bar). He is a superior writer who has worked at all the best companies (until they realize he has no original thought and fire him) and is currently working on his next “project” (unemployment until that runs out). He owns his own house (because his parents footed the down payment to get him to finally launch at 37). He doesn’t like to talk about his former girlfriends (because they all hate him now, and some of the girls were guys) because you’re so special and on the pedestal now (briefly, and only to see if you are a worthy, doting appliance he can use).

    • Omg DoneNow did you ever hit Home!! “Did you forget to worship me today? That was a mistake. I’ll have to find someone else now” while you do My laundry so I’ll look sexy for her. I’m A God. Did you exercise today? You look like you gained a little weight. Look at my swoll. I killed it at the gym today. Oh and Buy us dinner when I come home I will be hungry. Ooh Stop being so negative. You are so depressing. Be happy. Haha!!

  • So after my train wreck of a divorce, I was contacted on FB by an old friend from high school who I always thought was cute but never had the courage to ask out on a date. I had always had thought she was pretty, smart and funny in high school. We went out for drinks at a sports bar and ended up making out like teenagers in the parking lot. I left that date thinking that I had finally met someone I could get into a relationship with and was excited.

    After speaking/calling/texting her a couple of other times in the following few weeks; something just wasn’t right. She told me that she wanted a deeper relationship and wanted to take the physical side slow but then would text me provocative pictures. She seemed to want to share bizarre details about her dating life after her break-up with her husband. Then she sent me unsolicited pictures which she had taken after an ex had supposedly physically abused her. I asked her why she had sent those to me and she apologized and said that she had sent me the wrong pictures.

    After a little bit of digging I found out she was a combination of Jesus Cheater, Drama Dorris and Bizarro Narcissist. I don’t care what anyone thinks, it is a serious red flag for me when a mother doesn’t have custody of her children. She actually told me that she enjoyed DOMINATING people without their knowledge. WTF? I ran away from that crazy.

    I am done with dating for a while.

  • I definitely had Sparkles McGee. Love Bombed the hell out of me. Dozens of sweet emails a week. A hundred little ‘I love you’s’ every where I looked. He taped all these love songs for me….Etta James ‘At Last!’ Called me ‘Special Person.’ Stickum notes full of love everywhere. Cards full of love. My friends were so jealous. Fast forward five years when my shelf life expired and the new ‘Special Person’ arrived in his life and she got the love bomb treatment by Sparky. Honest to dog…..I actually found emails where he called her ‘Special Person!!’ He couldn’t even be bothered to come up with a new pet name. One night he was in the office recording music and I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was making some music to take to work. Come to find out he was taping love songs for his new Schmoopie. Yup…you guessed it. Etta James ‘At Last!’ *gag*
    Not an original thought in his pea brain.

    • Mine is reliving our courtship with the same songs, same restaurants and almost the same trip to Jamaica. They went to Hedonism. We went to Sandals. Really skeevy and unoriginal; come to find out, I was merely a prop all along.

      • My ex took his whore to the same concerts *gag* places to eat *gag* and installed her in our lovely little county. The one he didn’t want to live in because it was too far from his fitness club *gag*.

        • My STBX took his whore to a concert that we’d talked about going to but I couldn’t go (because I was away with the kids). It was even marked on our calendar. And sent me texts and pix from the concert. Classy, huh? This sh** will be so funny oneday.

  • Your forgot Clam Tight Charlie. He’s the guy that’s so funny at family gatherings, everyone loves to hear his stories. He wows them at work with his super sparkles, but at home with you he never really discusses how he feels about anything. He’ll talk about work, or sports, but don’t ask him to even admit he has feelings about anything personal. Attempting to discuss relationship concerns causes him to clam up. You are not the boss of him! You aren’t going to make him talk about anything, or work out anything, or even admit there are any issues. In fact, he has no issues so they must be yours. You are just too sensitive. However, when he leaves it’s your fault for not knowing how he felt! In fact, you feel exactly the way he does and you are just as glad he’s abandoning you as he is. And he’s not all angry and hurt like you are, he wishes you well so he’s the better person!

    • Seriously I think we were married to the same person! Ask him a sports stat and he is all over it. Ask him how he felt when his kids were born, you get “happy” (and not with a capital h) Never needed to discuss a problem, wouldn’t talk with a therapist or marriage counselor, he didn’t need it. We’d figure it out. Turns out figuring it out is becoming a serial cheater for the majority of the marriage. He gaslighted and blamed me for 20 years. I thought I was the one that was crazy, expected too much from our marriage. I actually took a test to find out if I had NPD because he said it always had to be about me. I was the unhappy one. Things were fine in his world.

      Being his ever charming self, hoped that I was as happy in my life as he is with his schmoopie. What an asshole.

    • OMG – as I’ve been reading all these descriptions, I’ve been thinking none fit my cheater – until Clam Tight Charlie! Seems like a great, stand up guy to everyone else. The life we had was a front for him because it made him look good while behind the scenes he was lying, deceiving, gaslighting, ignoring, avoiding, etc. me. When I told our neighbors we had split (I didn’t say why), they said ‘you guys seemed perfect together’ and my response was ‘well, that just proves that people really don’t know what goes on behind closed doors’.

    • That’s similar to my asshat. But I want to add his middle name too: Prolapse Paul. Just because. It’s been his go to get off with his girlfriend, prolapse Pauline.

    • this also describes my ex husband. I’ve got a great group of friends that know he’s the biggest bullshitter alive so it makes it easier on me when he spewes that it was all my fault.

    • Clam Tight Charlie with a side of Porno Pete. Excellent for others, sparkling at work, sociable with friends, mute at home. Addicted to Porn and finally finds his tru wuv online, playing Farmville on Facebook.

  • Gotta be honest here (no, really?!?)… I think we need one for the guy (or gal) who says “we just grew apart.” I know that’s the tale tale my Ex spews, and it’s 100% grade-A bullshit.

    I would need the mighty superpowers of CL to discern the next steps of understanding that little red flag, but red flag it is. for me, anyway.

  • Put me down for one Sparkles McGee with a side order of vulnerability. Just like Tempest describes.

    This particular Sparkles has a public side that is powered by megawatt charisma. He can make an outing to Walmart seem like The Most Fun You’ve Had in Years. Everything he sees is material for his act – which at the moment has as its audience only special, chosen YOU.

    You find him dazzling. He’s unlike anyone you’ve ever known. Everyone else seems so…boring in comparison. He operates on a level of playfulness, goofiness and wittiness that is set at Steve Martin – if all you knew of Steve Martin was from his comedy albums and appearances on Saturday Night Live.

    But if you start to think that Sparkles McGee might be just surface glitter, that’s where the carefully crafted private side comes in. Because when he lets you into his hidden world to see it, you realize that beneath that charming, hilarious, ultra cool exterior, he is wounded. Vulnerable. He needs the love and support of someone who understands him. He needs someone to be his admiring, unsung hero. The one who makes it possible for him to have the full, successful life he’s always wanted. The one who takes care of all the tedious, mundane stuff so he can shine. There’s no telling where someone with his natural entertainment value could go if he just had the right woman backing him up.

    You’re it.

    Until you start to make ordinary, grown-up demands on him. Because he can’t meet them in any sustainable way. He’s all about swooping in, dazzling, basking in the applause and getting out. Those demands – the ones he can’t meet – they make him feel bad about himself. Then they make him feel resentful toward you for setting the bar so high. (It never occurs to him that his bar is at about 3 feet, while your own bar is more than twice that height, and you regularly clear it.) Here’s a news flash: You’re not the boss of him. Nobody is.

    You must not have been the one after all.

    I wish the ladies well — the ones who might think of dating him. If they can get past the red flags flying around his large bobblehead collection of characters from his favorite shows (Family Guy, South Park) and his entire living room wall of framed album covers from the late ’80s, when he was in high school, one of them might gain access to the Green Room of his narkly heart.

    • Wow, that is just about an exact description of my ex. Who by the way, had bobble-heads made of his dancing Sasquatch character. He sent out mass emails to everyone saying what valuable collector items they were going to be when the character became a huge world-wide sensation. He also had underwear made with the character’s face on them. I’m not even kidding.

      • GIO, the similarities of our exes are shudder-inducing. Except mine has none of the narcissistic good looks. He will never wow someone with his physical attractiveness — he has to do it with other kinds of sparkle instead.

        Bobblehead collections are now a very triggery issue with me. They seem to be the preferred collector’s item of the man-child. And no thank you hugely much to that. Ex had a bobblehead made of himself as his on-stage persona. It wasn’t a sasquatch, but it might as well have been.

        Although I might make an exception for someone who had just one bobblehead — Carl Sagan, Dwight Schrute, Maya Angelou or Scott Simon would do.

        • Actually the underwear weren’t for kids, they were boxers for adult men. LOL! I’m pretty sure he never managed to sell any, though. Can’t imagine why!

  • Mine was two buck Chuck, and Sparkles McGhee, lucky me! A broke, charming man whore! Well, money is tough to budget with a job most high schoolers hold, as well as 200 dollars plus a week on weed. Don’t be jealous ladies, there’s enough of him to go around 🙂 two months out, and I feel better ever single day from the weight lifted!

  • Lonely Lauren. She can’t be alone. Lonely Lauren prefers the company of the opposite sex. And she always stays “friends” with her exes. That’s ok, right? Gotta have a plan b, c …. x, y, z in case one feels lonely! Hey, you’ll do….for now (then we can be “friends”).

    • Your post struck a nerve, I can sympathise entirely. My cheater has all his ex’s and playthings on his Facebook. If they’re not family, he’s slept with them, some from decades ago, even!
      I refuse to be part of his backup rainy-day harem, and he’s never stopped trying to get me to sign up 🙁
      What is it with collectors and their fallbacks?!

    • LOL. I always thought of people that keep a stable of exes around as being kind of transparent.. just like those cases with fire extinquishers that say, “In case of emergency, break glass”, only…

      It’s more like “In case of kibble withdrawal, call up an orbitting ex”.

    • I can definitely relate. My ex repeatedly called me controlling, insecure and jealous because I wasn’t fond of her relationships with other men, including ex-boyfriends and other guys that admitted their love/crushes to her. And when that didn’t work, she’d just lie about their history together or buy a burner phone to talk with them. I long for the day when I start dating again and find a woman who shares the same feelings I do regarding ex’s.

      • Hey CHC – I feel the same way about the exes as you. My STBX would often bring up the exes and how they were all still friends (“they have no reason to hate me!”) and how any of them would take him back in a second, given the chance. Well, the OW was an ex so he proved himself correct on that one. I actually thought he used to bring them up to me just to make me jealous and although I hated it, I didn’t bite on the acting jealous thing. I guess he had to go all the way to really get a good reaction out of me!
        He also used to think it was strange I had no interest in anything my exes were up to. He had much more interest in that than I did. He is soon to be part of the club of dudes I have no interest in catching up with.

        • Here’s where I USED to stand on exes right up until last yr: We all have them. If you by chance run into one, by all means be polite. Want to meet up with them for a drink, OK! You’re friends with your exes from high school and college and they are in town for a conference? Ok, yea. Go meet them for dinner!

          I really truly have always felt that way with other SO’s and their past relationships because I trusted that they were mature adults- I was confident in my relationship and believed they would never cross the line/boundary that would become disrespectful to me. Because I would never do that to my SO.

          My cheating husband is the ONLY man I’ve been with who had kept up with a lot of his exes. I believed and trusted this asshole. He had been making out, dining with and fucking his exes throughout my 20 yr marriage. The guy is so fucking duplicitous-I had no clue. His exes knew he was married. I even met a few.

          NOW the whole idea of being friends with exes is a huge fucking red flag for me. My asshole of a husband always wanted to know if I kept in touch with my exes. I remember telling him NO, that’s why they are exes!

  • Hero Horace has a cousin, Tool-Belt Tommy. He can fix anything, anywhere, for anyone. He knows plumbing, electrical, heating and cooling, construction, engineering, roofing and lawn care. He can operate and fix cars, trucks, heavy equipment and could tow a battleship with an old Yugo. He is every damsel with a busted car’s dream come true. He will fix the car and do it right, not like those slackers at the dealer. And he will hug you and kiss your forehead and give you advice about that dental surgery you’ve been putting off. He will promise to take care of every mechanical problem you will ever have. No worries! Until he sees a real commitment on the horizon, at which time he keeps his eyes peeled for another woman, preferably married, to rescue. Tommy is reputed to be very bright, almost genius level, although he’s quit or failed out of every school experience above high school or community college Voc-Ed that he ever started. And once he’s disappeared and left you with a giant list of disasters he’s identified at your house, hire a professional to take a look at those so-called problems, because Tool-Belt Tommy was no doubt wrong about everything he told you.

      • Ugh. This reminds me of my ex. But he knew ACTUALLY fixed or repaired anything. He just hoarded all the tools (expensive power tools showed up all the time) and supplies but never did a damn thing with them. How’s Horatio the Hoarder?

  • There’s the marriage counselor Martha/Manny, who touts “you need to work on your issues, what did you do to cause the affair? Oh, AP? AP has no effect on our relationship as a married couple. You left gaps for another person to fill. If you just do the love dare and overlook everything I’ve done the affair will disappear. I’m finding myself and have never been so alive.”

    Or Spreadsheet Steven. Let’s see, column B runs the total list of blow jobs you gave me. Gee, that’s not high enough. Oh and I noticed in column C that you owe me $65.26 for coffee over the past few weeks. “Column F, hmmm, I’m such a good husband to provide for you and buy our phones. Your phone contribution is $110 for the month btw and I’m gonna need that right now. Oh hey look! Column J is what I’ve got going towards the new corvette I’m gonna buy. I’m only $500 away from it! Oh yea, almost forgot column H. You owe me $6,115 for this semester’s tuition that I paid.”

  • Of course my STBX is a Sparkles McGhee big time. He is also a Blaming Bobby. Nothing that has ever transpired in his entire life is his fault. In fact this is a genetic defect in the family because when they get together they all stand pointing at one another blaming:

    “It’s your fault I didn’t complete my PhD.”
    “It’s your fault I married my first wife.”
    “It’s your fault I didn’t raise my children.”
    It’s your fault I’m not a successful business owner.”
    “It’s your fault I’m broke.”
    It’s your fault I didn’t get that job.”
    “Everything is your fault.”

    • Oh wow… Mine def. has a side of Blaming Bobby thrown in for good measure. The part about his family is also spot on. Everything is everyone else’s fault, always. That includes him “having to lie”. You know, because the truth would piss me (his wife) off. If I was just more understanding I might get the truth from him, but, well, you know how I get about yet another secret email account. (A man has to have his personal life, after all, but that’s where Brooding Brad takes over.)

        • I hate that shit. Depends on what the truth is and your definition of “well.” No, I don’t smile and kiss your hand when you tell me you’ve had an affair. Sorry I don’t handle things well. I’ll never forget my ex wailing to me in therapy. I told him how painful it was to have him choose to cheat on me when he knew how important it was for me to avoid putting my children through the cheating parent scenario that I had lived through as a child. All I ever asked was that he was honest and just leave instead of cheating. “That’s why I couldn’t tell you!!!!!Waaaa!!!” No, that’s why you don’t do it, asshole.

        • ML: Yeah, that “you don’t handle the truth well” is a classic blameshift that deflects the question of whether anyone should or would be happy and on-board with that particular truth. Like anyone would “handle well” something like “Hey, I had sex in our daughter’s bed” or “I spent the college fun taking my secret MOW to Hawaii” or “I got an STD from one of my numerous sex partners.”

          Clearly, it is all our fault since we don’t just rubber stamp whatever despicable thing they get into (literally).

    • Ah, yes, blaming Bobby. Days before D-day, I was told it was my fault the dogs were whining at us to play with them while we watched TV because I “pamper them too much.” That’s when I knew our days were numbered (even without knowledge of his affair). It’s almost like D-day was a gift dropped down from heaven to necessitate a rapid break. (Who thought I’d have said that 2 months ago?!)

    • Yes, ML, I was going to say this!

      Actually a divorce counselor I talked to said that the biggest tip-off of someone who will cheat in their marriage (aside from a history of infidelity) is that they blame others for their own problems, and I think this may well be true.

      My XH blamed me for every little thing that went wrong at work, because we were only in this city because of my family and my career, and if he were working in another city, none of these stresses at work would happen.

      He was a 45 year old man who was still blaming his parents for his career choices, saying he never wanted to be a doctor.

      He blamed me for his mother criticizing him, because if it weren’t for me, his parents would not be living with us (even though I didn’t even want his parents living with us, but he said that was the only way that I could have a career with children, though I’m doing quite fine now working and raising the children without his mother around).

      He blamed his first girlfriend for “forcing” him to be in a 5-year relationship when he wasn’t in love with her by doing all this stuff for him and making him feel guilty.

      He blamed me for his long commute, for someone bumping into him on the subway, for his boss yelling at him, for a patient suing him, because these things wouldn’t happen were it not for my desire to live in the city we lived in.

      He blamed me for the clutter in the apartment (when it was mostly his and his parents’ stuff, as his parents were hoarders).

      He blamed me for his parents getting sick, for his sister’s depression, his mother’s arthritis, because all the help they provided us was affecting their health (when I never asked or wanted their “help,” and am doing fine and happier without it).

      And of course he blamed me for his misery, saying that if it weren’t for me, he could have true love and happiness. Funny, after I went NC and filed for divorce, he then said he was miserable without me.

      I think Lundy Bancroft says that habitually blaming someone else for your own problems is just another form of abuse.

      • Young, I’m glad (sorry) that others have been through this blaming thing. It’s astonished me since I met him. I thought maybe it was a cultural thing, but I had never seen adults stand around pointing at one another and not one among them willing to take blame. I’d run if I ever saw that behavior again. And yes, near the end I, too, started being blamed by him for all our failures. It’s ridiculous. Oh, and the weirdest part is I started to do it too!

      • Indeed Young, hahahah. Oh my. It was my fault his Dad didn’t leave him anything because I’m part Jewish. It was my fault his brother didn’t give him “his fair share” of his Dad’s shit because brother is upset that I lied to him, so brother says ex hurt me, it makes my head hurt to even remember the crazy ass blame shit ex slung

      • Lundy Bancroft, great researcher/therapist/writer that he is, calls a spade a spade and a cheater a cheater. Wish that there were more people like him to combat all the Reconciliation Industrial Complex garbage that is so prevalent.

        • I found this impressive site last night, that takes a strong line against infidelity & the character of the person who would engage in such an act

          http://www.selfgrowth.com/articles/there-is-no-recovery-from-infidelity:

          loved the following quote:
          “Here’s the deal – there are NO excuses for infidelity! There is no way to excuse infidelity. Being unfaithful to the one you love is the most unpardonable of all sins. To violate the “core of trust” in your marriage or loving relationship is, simply put, to destroy the relationship.

          It is our considered opinion – based on many years of research on six continents of the world and 45 countries – that the notion of character in marriage is real. To suggest otherwise is to ignore the basic tenets of successful relationships. We guess that it is time to say, “The buck stops here!” Literally translated – there are no excuses for disloyalty and infidelity to your spouse – to your lover.

            • Great article,Dat, I sent it to myself to forward to my children.

              One difference is, I do try to continue to forgive my transgressors as humanly possible. Forgiving does not mean I accept the bad behavior or want to take them back, it was the last step toward meh. Forgiving is really a selfish act. It is for me. Their horrible deeds no longer held power over me when I practice this. I also ask forgiveness for my selfish acts toward my children to keep the cheater in my home while ignoring their needs. This pains me the most.

              I can look at the cheater for the damaged people they are. Looking for true intimacy with your dick or vagina will NEVER, NEVER happen.

              I realized maybe I had the same problem, although I am a faithful person. Thinking I could get this damaged person to love me through my sexuality. Trying to make him whole when the one who needed it was me. My own confusion of sex and intimacy.

              Once in a while, anger rears it’s ugly head and I start the process of forgiveness again.

              I needed this site to help me remember to self nurture. I great term I just picked up. What an unusual concept–self nurture. Also, to see I was not alone in my choices of partners and maybe find a pattern.

              This column really hit home.

      • “the biggest tip-off of someone who will cheat in their marriage (aside from a history of infidelity) is that they blame others for their own problems”

        I wish I had this information almost 30 years ago. STBX put the “Blame” in “Blaming Bobby.” Everything wrong in his life was always someone else’s fault – particularly me. He blamed his mother, his father, his siblings – everyone. He never took responsibility for his own feelings or failings. I believe I became the composite target for all that angst and anger. That’s why he had to cheat dontcha know. What a shit stain.

  • My cheater is the You Don’t Mind type.

    He has absolutely no boundaries of any sort, because that’s a totally outdated thing, man, and only holds people back from “zeh feels” and he’s a waaay enlightened and highly evolved bohemian!

    It’s perfectly okay for him to huggy bear and kissy face all his (female) Just Friends ’cause it’s, like, natural, y’know. Sure, sometimes stuff “just happens” (especially when he’s been drinking and I’m out of town) but hey, “it just popped up” (*cringe*) but it doesn’t mean he ever stopped loving me, he’s just naturally affectionate and stuff, in a new age hippie way.

    He keeps his ex’s and affair partners on a string, and lemme tellya, it’s quite the line-up.

    If only I’d “let the anger go” so HE can “heal up the hurt” we can all be friends and maaaaan, wouldn’t that just be so damn cool?! (Who’s he kidding, we’d look like the freakin’ Manson family – no thanks).

    This is what the end of fourteen years looks like. Midlife crisis, my ass.

    (Just re-read this before I hit the Post button – surprised my eyes haven’t rolled out of my damn head to go bouncing down the street!)

  • Ahem ….. My maiden name is McGee …. (imagine small, sad text) 🙁

    …. Oh, alright then, not ALL McGee’s are lovely people – I’m hoping you’re citing the ‘Other Clan’ of McGee’s than my one! 😀

      • It’s OK…My name is Ferguson…I was always mighty proud of the fine Scots name…until recently 🙁 Then a good pal named Lynch pointed out what she’s dealt with all her life. I b’lieve these are what teh yoots call ‘first world problems’.

        With cheaters, call them what you like, THEY STILL SUCK DONKEY BALLS. (sorry for yelling….and apologies to donkeys everywhere.)

        • Hey, my BFF is a Fergus. It mean’s “large hearted man”, so be proud of your moniker, “Truth descended from the largehearted.!

          x-Meh.

  • Low Self Esteem Lou–He’s oh so humble and unsure of himself. But of course you can see all of his good qualities. He is accomplished but never seems sure of himself, definitely not a player or ladies man. You find it cute, endearing. So you shower him with kibbles. He appreciates you–it is so mutual! But then you realize the only thing mutual is that both of you are constantly focused on him, his feelings, his wants, it is all about him. And then after a while, your kibbles aren’t enough–he has to go online and once again be that sincere humble loveable guy. Casting his net among thousands of strange women on the internet in search of more kibbles, different kibbles. But Honey, he hasn’t done anything REALLY, he just has problems, you know, his low self esteem. It is you he loves. It is all just fantasy. Until he meets up with six strangers in a month, has sex with them and gets herpes.
    Yeah, stay away from Low Self Esteem Low!

    • Oh this one…that’s my exH! I couldn’t pin point it but here it is! He wandered off to someone else (multiple times) bc of his low self esteem and well, needed the late night chats and sexts. ALL bs of course…he’s a VP in the marketing world. Low self esteem my ass! Ughhhh…just thinking about it makes me vomit in my mouth!

      • Of course not…Low Self Esteem Lou only surfaced AFTER he got caught!!! Don’t they all? Never in our 20 year marriage did this come up…imagine my surprise.

  • How about Exhibitionist Ernie? I recently dated one for about nine minutes. I had met him a couple of years ago and thought I had got to know him well enough to move him up to boyfriend status. As soon as we started getting serious I was inundated with unsolicited pictures of his penis. I would delete them and not comment thinking he would get the hint. While I was at my beautiful god daughter’s funeral (everyone who knew me, knew how devastated I was about her death) he sent me a video of him jacking off. For fuck’s sake. Wanna know how fast I dumped him? He told me he forgot I was there. I refuse to speak to him now.
    If that isn’t the grossest thing ever. Done dating for now. It was almost enough to make me miss my lying, cheating piece of shit ex husband. GAH!

    • THAT IS SO GROSS!

      During bogus reconciliation, my ex sent me a pic of his nipple (WTF I would want to see that, I have no idea) but he accidentally sent it to our teen son by accident.

      Back in the days of film cameras, my ex loved to secretly take photos of his dick. I would have no idea until I picked up the developed film from the photo lab and looked at the pictures. Some were just closeups of his dick but some were “artistic” type photos — I remember one that was his dick posed next to an apple, and another with feathers.

        • I don’t think there are too many blogs where the side topics range from bobble head sasquatches to artistic penis selfies. LOL! Gotta like it!

          • And GiO’s ex is responsible for BOTH the bobble-head sasquatch and the artistic penis pics! I know that all of us are better off without our cheating ex’s, but it is quite something to learn of what some of us had to put up with.

            • I could not make up my ex if I tried. He is a terrible blend of insanity, wickedness and personality disorder. With a heaping dose of pathetic on top.

              • all that, and a laugh-a-minute, too (from the safety of distance, of course. I feel terrible for what you had to go through)

              • Glad,

                While I’m sorry that this was your life – OMG and (((HUGS))) – you really ought to shop this story around. I think Hollywood is looking for your story. I always end up both horrified and hysterical reading your posts. Your story is the best evidence yet that truth surely is stranger than fiction.

      • I cannot get the dick+feathers image out of my head, and now I’m hearing soft, sexy music playing in the background (or is that the theme song from Pink Panther?).

      • Well, I guess everybody has a hobby, but … remind me to cut and run as fast as possible if I ever date in the future and discover the woman is posing her breasts next to cantalopes for pictures or something.

        On second though, no need to remind me. I’ve got this.

        • On the subject of penis selfies, I dated a guy for a while who CEO of a big company…seemingly respectable when we first met. After a while though the weirdo habits surfaced, and to my creeped out disappointment, he sent me a dick selfie in the middle of the day, while I was at work. At first I was just revolted…it seemed so utterly juvenile, but then I imagined him in the executive office with his pants down, and thought hey, if he’d take that sort of risk, I bet he’d do a lot of other things in his office.

          He never did seem to understand why I finished things. But thanks to CL and some other good folks who have given me the courage to keep my picker finely tuned, I’m cycling through the dating riff raff with efficiency.

          • “but then I imagined him in the executive office with his pants down, and thought hey, if he’d take that sort of risk, I bet he’d do a lot of other things in his office.”

            Okay, I realize I’m hogging the bandwidth today, but this thread is bringing up so many memories.

            My ex actually had an excellent career in the banking industry before going totally batshit crazy. Long after dday, I heard that he had bragged to his sister about getting blowjobs from other guys in his office at the bank. Talk about living dangerously. And no, this did not bother his sister in the least.

      • I’m dying laughing over here… There are no words…

        Reminds me of the time I nearly discovered my husband’s profile on an online adult’s only site. I say “nearly” because I found the pictures he used to set the profile up but didn’t realize why he took them. In one picture, he had to hold a sign up with the site name written on it to prove he was real. Well, he couldn’t figure out how to write the site name so that it appeared correctly in the mirror where he took the selfie, so that was a real head scratcher. Then, there was another picture of his had (yes, wedding ring in place) giving the middle finger. Finally, a shot of his naked white ass. We’re talking a bad early macbook webcam shot here with light reflection and a green tint. I asked him why he felt the need to take a shot of his butt and he just looked at me sheepishly. It was such a bad picture I never considered he would post it for pornographic purposes. Little did I know… :-/

        • There’s no worse feeling than discovering those creepy selfies they take … then experiencing the slow, nauseating realisation that yes, this man, my partner, is actually doing this so he can cheat on me. Been there.

        • I wish I could erase those photos from my memory, but although most are from more than 20 years ago, I can still vividly remember many of them. In another good one, he was sitting naked on the couch with a hard on. He had one leg bent up so that he could use the foot to prop his dick out at an odd angle. Keep in mind that employees at photo labs back then actually LOOKED at these pictures while they were developing. I can’t imagine what they thought about my rolls of film. There would be pics of our son’s birthday party, and then there would be a shot of my ex posed like “The Thinker,” but with a woody.

          • ahahahahahaha oh my word that’s icing on the cake! I’m surprised they actually developed them!! Oh man, I would have totally been back there quietly nudging my coworkers like “hey, hey, c’mere! It’s the dude with the penis photos!”

  • I thought of another one, Martyr Mark/Mariah. They are a cousin of Blaming Bobby.

    Why everything they do is “just trying to make YOU happy or make things easier on YOU.” They just don’t ask anything for themselves, oh no no no. Where would YOU like to go eat? There? Oh, they don’t like There. But if we MUST eat There… No, no, no. We can’t go somewhere else. YOU want to eat there. Why would you even ask if they want to suggest somewhere? They just said YOU could pick, they want to make things easier on YOU.

    And let’s not forget about all the things they gave up for YOU. Why, Mariah stayed home with the kids for YOU! I know she said that’s what she wanted to do even before you had kids, but she gave up her hopes of a career for YOU. And Mark? Why he could have had a fabulous, well-paying job if it wasn’t for YOU not wanting to move to across the country! OK, so, he never actually had a job offer. Or a job interview. Or even a job lead. But he gave up on an imaginary job for YOU. To make YOU happy. Oh, that vice they had? Drugs/alcoholism/gambling/porn? Whatever that dealbreaker was that you mentioned on your very first date that you weren’t interested in? They gave that up for YOU. To make YOU happy. Well, except, no they really didn’t actually give it up. They just hid it. Because they wanted to make things easier on YOU.

    • Isn’t Martyr Mark related to Passive Aggressive Pete?

      Always deferring to what YOU want to make YOU happy: where he’d like to go for dinner (where YOU like); which road to take to get there (which YOU like); what place to holiday this summer (where YOU like) etc… SO FRUSTRATING.

      He also holds on to personal grudges without communicating them: wont repair that shower that he has said he would; wont light a candle when he insists on taking a shit when dinner is almost on the table and the toilet is right next to the kitchen so we dine to the smell (also despite there is another toilet on the other side of the house); wont stop that annoying personal habit you can’t stand and beg him to at least do it where you can’t see. Passively involves himself in your family life, doesn’t keep in touch with people, never buys gifts for anyone, and thinks everyone loves him and his inflated sense of ego. You get everything you want though, why are you complaining, you always have control, I’m hard done by here.

      • Yes, and then Marytr Mark/Mariah blames you because the wait is long at the restaurant you chose. the traffic was backed up on the route you selected, etc. He/she wants you make the decisions so everything can be your fault!

        • And don’t forget so he/she can rage later that YOU make all the decisions! You just don’t “let” them do anything!

          It has taken A LOT of therapy to realize that is sick, insidious control.

          • Wowzer…my first husband (not the cheater) was Martyr Mark. He would insist I choose everything so he could blame me for whatever went wrong afterwards. He would pout and sulk for days then rage and explode and tear the house apart. Always looking for an excuse to go nutso mad. Ugh. Seventeen years of that shit. Single for ten then married Mr. Cheater Pants Befuddled Man. Happily single now. (<;

    • Great description, Kira. Too bad a lot of people, including marriage counselors and psychotherapists see through this garbage.

  • Marital Bed Martin

    “Yes, i did have 3 different women in our bed, but come on, it is just a bed. You always make a mountain out of a mole hill!

  • How about ‘I was weak, I never loved her, but I thought it would be too cruel to tell her that, so instead, I wasted 17 years of her life, fathered (at my instigation) 2 special needs children on her, then plotted with a MOW to leave the lot of them, only to be foiled by MOW kicking my ass to the kerb’ Peter.

    Not so much a ‘red flag’ as a huge red parachute expanse with the words ‘RUN AWAY. RUN AWAY VERY VERY FAST’.

    God, I was a twerp! Suffice it to say, I fell for the ‘But I LOVE YOU’ shite – but I must admit, it bothered me that he could do that to the poor woman before me (I wasn’t an AP, I want to be clear, he was living with his sister when I met him – a blind date set up by his brother-in-law, … but then again, why wouldn’t he have been still stringing along the mother of his children and lying to me and his family)? Gah! Damn my stupidity and my willingness to forgive people their ‘mistakes’ in life!

  • You forgot Humbly Bumbly Boris. He feigns humility and incompetance and disinterst in most every aspect of life, like family, children, chores, helping around the house, being sociable with people and YOU because you know, they are just not interesting… to his incrediblely pathetic but magnificent brain. He is only interseted in SEX with ‘lesser beings’ because they make his brain feel good. And you know being pathetic is SEXY.

  • I always called mine ‘The Befuddled Man’….he never knew when the bills were due or what they were for. Had no idea how to balance a check book or figure interest on credit cards. Knew nothing about over draft fees or credit limits. He couldn’t figure out the simplest paper work but they let him run a large department with over a million dollar budget and paid him six figures to do it.

    • Syringa – mine too! And he’s skimming money from that company too. I’m hoping he’ll get caught – but on what? skimming or f’ing ho workers? Doesn’t really matter to me as long as they can him and he loses his I’m so important position.

  • “My Sh!t don’t stink Sam” speaks to my cheater’s grandiose sense of self and entitlement. As a major germaphobe, he would recoil in disgust if someone so much as cleared their throat in his presence. Our honeymoon was all but sexless because he didn’t want to get my cold. But, you guessed it, at any given moment you’d find his fingers up his nose, pulling out ear wax, scratching his privates, or flicking off residue from parts unknown. Sex with Prostitutes, massage parlor encounters, BDSM players? – They’re his peeps! …No germs there…..

    • You just described my ex but I have one more little gem. Pulling his toe nails off whilst in bed and leaving them on the bedside table!! We had 3 pairs of nail scissors in the bathroom cabinet. Oh it is nice to be free of that. By the way, our wedding night was sexless because he had a major headache. How I wish I could speak to my younger self before all of this crap went down.

      • Oh Maree, how could I have forgot his gnarly toe nail clippings strewn about the place! Dare I hope the nightmare that is him, is starting to fade into the ether? However, now that you mention it, I too remember his headache excuse: especially the frequent and convenient bedtime ones.
        Sad, that in our youth, we naively took things at face value or spackled over idiosyncrasies that we had no understanding of and thought were just benign quirks. Dumb, dumb, dumb….

      • Ah, the personal hygiene issues of cheaters! I called the wife of my ex-wife’s final affair partner to make sure she knew her husband was cheating (she did, though not the full extent). Even at that early, devastated stage she confessed that she was relieved at the prospect of not having to live with his disgusting habits, like . . . WIPING HIS BOOGERS ON HIS BED CLOTHES. She said she was tired of finding those stringy, slimey ropes smeared all over the sheets, pillows, and comforter. She loved the idea of my cheating wife (now ex) having to deal with that from now on. Even writing this years later, I have to smile.

        And my ex-wife was awful about using the same towel over and over until it mildewed and when I hugged her I practically gagged from the transferred odor. ACK!!!! COUGH!!!! SPUTTER!!! BLECH!!! That rare fragrance is now his to savor.

        Guess it’s part of the cheater mentality that the rules don’t apply to them. Even rules of basic personal cleanliness.

        • My ex only changed his underwear every other day. It disgusted me to no end and I begged him to get a fresh pair every day, to no avail. And he wonders why I wasn’t all over him physically. Ewwww… Well, that’s Schmoopie’s problem now.

        • LOL… mine has a thing about brushing his teeth… I am an oral hygiene fanatic. When we first got married, I noticed he didn’t brush his teeth… He said he didn’t have to, that eating an apple was the same as brushing. I kid you not. He hates the dentist too. When he worked with dusty stuff, he used to get this gross black line of goo from the dust on his front teeth. I couldn’t even look at him. 30 years later, he has lost most of his gums, the tartar on his teeth has turned a sort of orange and when he smiles, not that he ever really does, you can see the bone from where his gums have receded. He hasn’t been to the dentist for 10 years. Ha! Not my circus! Not my monkeys… I no longer have to kiss smegma mouth.

  • I think the most difficult cheater to discern is “you-dont-mind-Marty” who can come in different degrees and who sometimes hides behind being Mr Friendly & Social. The guy who is friends with all his ex’s…but who makes sure the current woman never actually MEETS those ex’s.

    I got so sick of hearing about how wonderful Ex #1 was that I started asking to meet her…after all, he had dinner with her at least once every couple of months…and those were the ones he told me about. His indignant refusal: “why would I want you to meet people I’ve slept with”…ahem, before I met you of course!

    Then there was Ex #2… “She and I get on because she appreciates kink, and I enjoy reminiscing with her”.

    And then there was his old fuck buddy, who was so dirt poor that he “couldnt just stop talking to her, she likes to come round and have a square meal”.

    Now, you’d think, why didn’t Marci just hoof it out of that relationship? Spackle. Hoping it would all just stop. I did finally chuck him out the door but he then tried to make me an “Ex but friends”. Rest assured I have successfully stayed NC despite him resorting to texting me relentlessly, mocking my “intolerance of his lifestyle” and “being jealous of his wide range of Friends”. Hopeless schmuck. At least I didnt get anywhere near a serious relationship with that.

    • Here I am replying to my own post…just saw the bright red flag “all his ex’s”. Gotta wonder why so many.

  • Mine is definitely Drama Doris. “My life is so hawwrd someone, anyone, please come and rescue me. give me a little attention, distract me from my troubles and I ll spread my legs for you.”

    That so reminds me of when she said “He gave me a break from all the worrying” I guess ia m chopped liver.

    • “He gave me a break from all the worrying”

      Reminds me of something my cheating ex-wife, addicted to online video games, said to me about her attraction to the final affair partner: “He makes me feel like life is a game you can play on easy mode.” Yeah, because life with kids and family businesses and responsibilities is supposed to be easy. Turns out the only thing that was truly easy . . . was her!

      • Oh my GOD!. You should submit that to the “Stupid Shit Cheater’s Say” page.

        That sounds so right on. “GAME” “IRRESPONSIBLE” That’s exactly what I believe cheaters are. Emotionally immature and incapable of comprehending adult reason and logic or responsibility, They are little kids in adult bodies.

  • This is a great post today. Thanks, Tracy. Humor helps so much 🙂 Mine X was (“if only”) Ambivalent Andrew…

    The good news is that my picker is improving. I spotted not one but two Narcs – a Mr. Sparkles and a Lonesome Larry. I said, “Thanks, but no” with my oh so chumpy heart.

  • For me, STBX has been a bit of a Spreadsheet Steven in that he has always had a hard time simply accepting gifts and goodwill. He has to feel the ledger is balanced. This is why, prior to my Divorce Day Announcement, if he did something nice for Schmoopie, he’d get me some kind of cheapo consolation prize. He’s also a Smarter than Sam–the guy who is oh so smart, but whose intelligence is ignored by the management team.

    Honestly, I keep asking myself why I was attracted to him. We met while we were both active in a physical fitness activity. We were both keen, and a group of us keener participants got permission to use the studio to host additional group classes to work on specific issues. Then it turned out he liked Star Trek, and we went to some kabuki plays and some other fun cultural events. He had a broad range of interests and was a funny guy. I also liked that he did housework, but that’s because I didn’t realize he was also OCD Oliver!

    With respect to the dynamics between STBX and Schmoopie, I think he sees himself as a bit of Hero Horace and Tool-Belt Tommy. She is Fairy-Tale Farrah, with a bit of Drama Doris. She is a damsel in distress. He is her Knight in Shining Armor. It is fate; they are soulmates!

  • I’d like to introduce you to my former beloved, Bacchanal Bart: the Life of the Party Who Will Destroy Your Life.

    Life with Bacchanal Bart starts out soooo fun – he is a blast, friendly, charming…and surely, he’ll grow out of it. But watch out…he turns into an alcoholic right before your very eyes. Ta-da! You’ll spend precious years of your life “helping” him get better. But his secret is, you’re not the boss of him, and your efforts will be met with resentment. Salud!

    • My Bacchanal Bart/Sad Sausage/Sparkles McGee (he was a chameleon), said at first he didn’t have a problem with alcohol. Next, he said he drank too much accidentally because he drank absentmindedly, didn’t count his drinks, then whammo he was drunk, so could I please watch and remind him when to stop? After that, I got his stinkeye and “you’re not the boss of me” when I did as he asked. After we had more history, his damn drinking was my fault – go figure – because I was such a bitch he had to drink. I howled with laughter and ditched him asap.

  • My x definitely is split evenly 3 ways. Hero Horace, clam tight Charlie and Sparkles McGhee. He is a paramedic who IV mainlines entitlement and ta da the hero is here!…coursing thru his veins. He has God complex cephalomegaly, allowing only the few and the chosen to enter his “circle of special”. This is his burden (sigh) as he unwittingly attracts bucket loads of pick me commoners he occasionally with benevolence will show up and sparkle radiant for some dessert kibbles! At home he was clam tight charlie-you are just supposed to read his mind and if you get it wrong he puts the “cloak of invisibility” on you until you grovelled sufficiently. He did suffer an accident at work and ended up with his penis in a coworker for 2 years before realising he and I got married too young, had nothing in common and just grew apart…oh and since his penis was still in his co-ho, he married her cause she felt married couples should be able to do what they want…who knew!

  • My ex was New-Age Norton. Weekly attendee of the men’s group “New Warriors” (where they channel their inner king, warrior, magician, and lover and ask “how may I be of service?” when they have wronged someone). Yearly attendee of a self-improvement retreat (free hug with every latte!). Regular attendee of yoga. Native of the Left Coast.

    Apparently didn’t stand the test of time with me, Realistic Rita. Weekly attendee of the grocery store and laundromat. Answered the question, “How may I be of service?” with, “Well, you could start by doing the dishes.” Native of the agricultural heartland.

    Guess it was only natural that New-Age Norton would find his soulmate Schmoopie at the self-improvement retreat, where they formed a sparkly emotional connection of spontaneity, vibrancy, and passion after seven days. May their chakras and feng shui misalign.

    • KarmaExpress–New Age Norton, indeed. Your description was hysterical. I’m picturing Greg Kinnear-type, connoisseur of chai, Enya on continuous loop, weaseling out of dinner dishes to finish a biography of Mario Savio or Che Guevera.

      • Chai indeed! He drank bucketfuls. He left behind a half-dozen tins of the stuff after his sudden departure. Luckily he didn’t take all of my heart with him, so I feel capable of loving again. Like they say: if at first you don’t succeed, chai, chai again.

      • ML, yet more crap you had to deal with from that weasel. I certainly think that two people in a relationship can be different–the realist and idealist can get along and actually complement each other, but neither should swing too much in either direction. I like to think I’m realistic but still have a fanciful, dreamy side. Unfortunately, my New-Age Norton either had his head in the clouds or up his ass.

    • “New Age Norton”–hilarious!

      Realistic midwestern women rock. Though after being married to a lazy, lost-in-the-Internet loon for many years I would argue that realism over time is its own kind of magic. Wondrous and amazing!

  • Now that I’ve read all the comments, I have to add, mine was Super Sparkly, cause you know, he was a fireman. Could have been on the calendar. He was worshiped from near and far, cause you know, fireman are special! He could put out a fire and rescuse a kitten in the same day. I guess when he retired, he wasn’t so sparkly, so he had to get in good with our insurance agent so she could sprinkle extra sparkles on him. I’m such a bitch cause I spoiled their Sparkle Party, wives are like that.

  • How about Chameleon Carl/Carla? You know the one that shifts from one to another. Mine alternated between:

    Sparkles Mc Gee – “I just met you but you are my perfect match. You’re wonderful. In fact, I’d drive 500 miles just for one of your hugs. Let’s buy a house, move in together and get married.”

    Mourning Mona – “Why can’t you be perfect like my ex-fiancee (Pedestal Girl), in fact, why can’t you BE her or just like her in every way? Why can’t you morph yourself into HER? I want HER!!! She left me.I was going to have a perfect life with HER. Wah, wah, wah.”

    You-Don’t-Mind Martha – “You don’t mind if all my exes are my FB friends, right? I just went for a walk in the woods with a friend and then went over to her place and we spent the day together. What’s wrong with that? After all, she’s ‘just a friend’ Do I tell you what you can do with YOUR friends?”

    Ambivalent Andrew -“You’re the 70% solution.Long distance relationships are only for those who are super serious. I started out wanting a relationship but ended up just having fun. If only I didn’t have all these political issues to champion. If only you had been more like my perfect Pedestal Girl. If only you weren’t such an aggressive corporate woman. If only you were more compassionate. If only you weren’t so annoying. I thought I felt something but then it disappeared.”

    and of course, we can’t forget:

    Returning Ralph – “I shouldn’t have let you go. We’re perfect together. We’re just alike. We’re going to buy that house and fix it up together. I’m going to give you a token of my affections. We should give it another try. We’ve gotten closer by going through those troubled times. Let’s get back together and we’ll make it work this time.”

  • Entitlement Ernie… I am way to special to be available for my family, I just do what I want when I want and throw you little snippets of love every once in a while. Of course its your fault that I went out and got really drunk and came home with bites on my neck but YOU must get over it because nothing happened. Of course I can go away again for the 4th time this month because I need space but hey you can deal with everyday life of working, running the house and looking after our kids. Oh yeah, I’m heading out for the night again with some female work colleague but hey your not invited because it wouldn’t be fair on the kids to leave them with a babysitter. That’s your job right?? Oh and finally when another work colleague comes along, I’ll run off with her, she’s the one but that’s your fault too because you wore me down but you must be best buds with her…

  • Drunken David — because he just cant help but drink. problems with your job, go out and drink. problems with your wife, go out and drink, dont like your life, go out and drink. cant pay the bills, go out and drink. kids being too demanding, go out and drink. wife mad cuz you never come home, go out and drink…

    whiny willy or sad sack sam — never happy with anything. nothing he ever does is good enough. nothing is ever his fault. nobody every listens to him. he tries sooOOOooo hard but nobody understands him. his childhood was not as good as yours. his parents were never there, always drunk, always fighting. he has been in ever domestic violence shelter in 4 towns, he is just so sad. he just doesnt know what to do….sob sob….he just want to fit in, to belong to something, its not his fault….

  • I’ve always had a weak spot for Melancholy Mikes, those sad, troubled guys whose mother/father/dog didn’t like them, and all the girls were mean to them in high school, but they are really DEEP with profound, poetic souls (because they tell you so) and down in there somewhere is a terrific guy but life has been cruel and they’ve suffered so much… and how lucky I am that I will be the ONE WOMAN to fix their little broken hearts and bring out their wonderful-ness! Which, by the way, is an exhausting and thankless task because it’s impossible to fill this vacant cavern – there’s nothing in there but cobwebs of subtle narcissism because their suffering is SO SPECIAL. Once they’ve drained you of all your compassion and you see them for the energy vampires they are, then you are accused of being heartless and unfeeling. Their endless depression and self-loathing are really disguised forms of egotism and they never have anything to give – but have no problem taking everything you have and then dumping you for someone who can feed them much better mothering/Florence Nightingale kibbles.

  • CL, the Two-Buck Chuck here in Australia meant back in the 70’s and 80’s buying a bottle of Cold Duck (red sparkling wine for $2 a bottle) and vomiting after drinking too much!!

  • You’re fantastic CL, and your “do not date characters” are hilarious.

    I’d like to add a few more “do not date” characters.

    Conscious Uncoupling Ursula

    Monogamish Michelle

    Word Salad Sally

    Vagina Village Vivian

    Finding Myself Fiona

    Bathroom Selfie Sylvia

    Brazilian Wax Wanda

  • How about the ones that start out as Intensity Tim and turn into Martyr Man ©. Intensity Tim is what soul mates are made of, he listens to you and he remembers every word you say. Did you mention a favorite food? He gets a local chef to make it just for you. Oh, and Intensity Tim looks deeply into your eyes a lot, is awesome at sex and cuddling. He shares your views on politics, religion, marriage and every motherfucking thing…and he’s so grateful you like him. He doesn’t push you, he’s polite and respectful. The clue to Intensity Tim is that he shares ALL your values EXACTLY. You’ve told him so much about you, your vulnerable bits too, but if you *really* think about it, you’ll notice you don’t actually know a damn thing about HIM. Of course he’s so good at lying you won’t realize either of these things for years, you won’t realize he’s simply mirroring you. But! once you commit you will be introduced to Martyr Man ©, little by little. Soon you find out Intensity Tim is clinically depressed (or some other equally difficult issue). Martyr Man © !!! He needs you, hey Martyr Man © loves you and only you can make him feel better. Oh, and about being a recovered alcoholic? Well, Martyr Man © actually started drinking in secret as soon as you moved in together. He did that at the same time he got “laid off” his job. Martyr Man © will work if you threaten to throw him out but he will complain endlessly about every job he ever holds.

    I can’t trademark Martyr Man ©, all the various permutations of him are on this other site, a lot of things resonated, here: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/martyr.shtml

  • How about High School Hal or College Cal who reconnected with his “first love” who had broken his heart and he never got over her. Happened to my neighbor. Three teenage kids kept her from going to his high school reunion. While there he found his true love and came home long enough to pack up his stuff and leave. What kind of person abandons his family like that? How could he hide his personality that long? Beyond me!

    • Interesting. One of the many women my cheater hooked up with was a HS scank he met up with at a reunion. He actually left our beach trip 2 days early to go to that reunion. After that, he would schedule flights for his work trips through the city where she lived. She worked at the airport there so they would hook up during his layovers. Gives a whole new meaning to the word ‘layover’, right?

  • How about Reformed Ronnie…my ex fits a few of them but I have added this one as a special tribute to him to make up for the hurt I must have caused by inferring that he is less than honest nowadays. We were discussing our forthcoming divorce mediation meeting.
    He would like it to be recognised that he is fully truthful and upfront since his character transplant and is indignant that doubt should allowed to creep in and insult his integrity.
    The six and a half years he spent leading a complete double life is all in the past now…it was just a slight relapse really. He actually became honest after his year long affair a decade before that started. He would have owned up but kept quiet as he did not feel strong enough to do that. He is an honest but weak person.
    Anyway that stuff was not about finances….I really have no reason to infer that he might lie in the divorce just cause he did in the marriage…my suspicion is unfair and hurtful.
    Perhaps all he ever needed was a trusting woman who believed in him.

    • “Why don’t you trust me?” He asked me in the middle of divorce negotiations…after he had threaten me in a few ways, bullied me, insulted me, and offered less and less and the list goes on and on…I almost laughed at such absurdity when he hasn’t even shown a bit of remorse and has made all types of excuses…

      • Mine argued for trust by fiat. Yesterday (after months of Naugahyde Remorse), he remarked “You’re the only person who doesn’t believe that I won’t cheat again.”

        I should have asked him to take a poll of those same people on who would want to live with him for 24 years. (Answer: zero)

  • Y’all are really on it today lol….thanks for the laughs! But it really has me thinking….there is no telling the things he has done that I have no idea about?

    • I thought I knew my ex right up till dday. He is a great actor with no real depth. When life became hard then it was easier for him to hook up with someone new and throw our entire life and family away. I found his HIV test dated two years previous to dday in our financial records (dissipating assets are par for the course for Narcs, so I was scrambling in those early days). I don’t know many people this good at keeping horrible secrets. I had one thought going through my head, WHO DOES THIS!?!?. That was enough for me not to love him any more. I deserved better.

      • Oh drew I know…who does do this horrible stuff? Mine was suppose to be a man of God and teaching others right from wrong? And during his affair he did unimaginable things! And I have thought several times what has he done I don’t know about? I’m even pretty sure now this wasn’t his first affair? His ass just got caught this time! Damn cheaters!

        • (((Hugs))) broken hearts are overrated. I am hopeful, always have been, even when life throws me a curve…. I suspect all Chumps are brave and resilient, if a bit blind at times. At least we are capable of love….

  • Okay how about Scorched Earth Scott. He’s the guy who has everything, until he blows it apart. He starts out young and doesn’t know what he wants. Sex…yes! Ummm…commitment, not so much. So you date…for YEARS. He’s on the fence. He proposes because you are ready to grow up. He does well in most things. Good job. Great kids. Good Dad although that becomes less so as the kids grow up. Then Finances are an issue. He begins to want MORE. His life and hobbies pull rank on his family’s, his wife,extremely competent and supports him unconditionally is trusting but finally begins to see that he is disengaged. Facade starts to crack. One day he announces, “I want a divorce.” And all of a sudden everything makes a sad kind of sense. Especially the financial decisions. He is now with his “soulmate” and they have so “much in common” and he’s ditched the woman he’s known for twenty eight years (and had three babies with) because he “wants to be happy!” And he has totally destroyed her financially. What a total piece of lying, sabotaging, shit!

    • I’ll see that Scorched Earth Scott and raise you a Peaceful Paul: “I really hope we can still be friends after this. I mean, I know I just told you I don’t love you and never really have, so I’m moving on to my new fabulous life with Schmoopie, but I really appreciate all you did for me like buying me my business and supporting me for years and years and trying to turn me into a reasonable facsimile of a functional adult human being (fail!) and I’d still like to do stuff with you like hike and travel and go skiing and stuff. I just don’t want you to be my wife or lover anymore. — Wait, why are you crying? What do you mean we can’t be friends??”
      Not sure how you spot these guys from the first date though — maybe because they AREN’T friends with their exes? But, wait, that’s me. — Hmmmm…..

      • NWBiblio, lol! Gosh, but you are witty! 🙂 yes, my POS has an article online with his Schmoopie in which their narrative says they were both sadly married for nineteen years because of the children and that meeting one another and having “so much in common!” led them to TRUE LOVE! I shit you not. *Barf*

      • Mine has a little Peaceful Paul in him too. Except no Schmoopie – he had no intention of a permanent relationship with any of the scanks he was screwing. I was supposed to be OK with it and let him do whoever and still come home to me to take care of him. Instead, I kicked his arse to the curb and now he ‘just wants me to like him again so we can be friends’. Of course, he’s not going to put any effort into mending our relationship but I’m supposed to just let everything go and be his friend. Not!

  • I was definitely with a Martyr Mark/Passive Aggressive Pete but I also married Anal Alan, or Procrastinating Pete

    Anal Alan- this passive aggressive mindfucker who appeared to be the most loving and fun guy ever (“still hearing people say but he was such a nice guy….”)

    Anal Alan helps you unpack the groceries – so he can put them away in the cupboards in the order he wants, (think sleeping with the enemy) the whole family have OCD issues…………

    Thinking of cooking dinner? Anal Al assists by regularly turning down/up the heat when u ain’t looking, adding or suggesting to add spices/other ingredients……..after 10/15+ yrs you just give up and let him do all the cooking cos that’s what he wanted all along, control 🙂

    Going on holiday, he takes the entire contents of the medicine cabinet with him- just in case, spends a fortune at the chemist so he can have every pill to hand,especially suppositories????? His parents were also hypochondriacs.

    Anal Al hangs his clothes up rather than put them in the laundry basket- on one holiday I counted 10 t-shirts draped/hanging around the hotel room – what on earth did the chamber maid think?

    Anal Alan takes 10 yrs to paint the magnolia walls of your new home because he disagrees with you choice of tester pot colour……………. It takes a further 6/12 mths for him to get the ‘right’ paint brush/masking tape once he agrees to your colour. After DD day I got up one morning and repainted the spare room in half a day….did the other room the next day…why did I ever wait so long.

    Always has to go to the loo at the most inconvenient times/locations, once leaving me in a restaurant for 45 mins, I paid the bill and left to sit in the hotel reception as I was so embarrassed, nearly missed several flights n trains because he refuses to be on time for anyone/anything!

    Anal Al- Halloween- don’t think you can out carve the pumpkin king, he would ask the kids who knocked on the door whose pumpkin was the best? I have the Art Degree………….and guess which one the kids always preferred…………that really pissed him off.

    Anal Al, takes 6 weeks to choose kitchen furniture with you- dragging out torturous measuring……zzzzz……. etc. Anal Al stands there whilst you order and pay for it and then walks out on you the next day after your 16 years together – 2 weeks before Xmas, he suggests that you cancel the order.

  • Oh my goodness Digbert, I don’t believe this, we must’ve married cousins !! I gather you have also observed a PP in action or should i say “non-action”.

    A very similar species is Procrastinating Paddy who is seldom observed in upright mode as he is usually asleep or resting. PP works to his own time-frame, but as this is in a parallel universe no-one else knows exactly what that is.
    His favourite cry is “I was just going to do that!” followed by a hangdog expression with bottom lip stuck out.

    Of course he is always just going to do everything.

    He was just going to cut the grass, mend the gate, pick up his laundry, and tell me about his affair.

    He was just going to tell slutpants it was over/back on/on hold, see his solicitor, move out his stuff and sign the divorce papers.

    He was going to do all these things, as soon as I stopped nagging him, next week, when he had some time, the 12th of Never, when Nelson got his eye back.

    He and slutpants were getting married as soon as he was sure about it. 5 years after the divorce she contrived to get pregnant to push him into that decision and has probably been pushing him ever since.

    PP needs to grow up, get organised and take charge of his life but he won’t change from his state of non-action as long as he has a chump to pick up after him. This chump relinquished that role years and feels much lighter for doing so. OW (now the wife) continues with a losing battle against inertia – so suck it up sweetie, I gave you the man of your dreams and he’s still asleep !!!

  • ah yes Juliet, my Procrastinating Paddy took 6 years to propose and then a further 7 to actually take the final step and get hitched, he bailed less than 4 years later and I never ever got an anniversary card/present cos he forgot, and we only got married after I nearly died in hospital- so he thought we should take the plunge……..but………only after he had bought himself a new car ( he was ENTITLED doncha know????) to cope with my ‘traumatic’ ( for him- I was on morphine so it don’t count) hospital stay.

    The car purchase took several painful weeks to process and he ended up buying a car that he took back after less than one week cos his head kept hitting the ceiling……………..only to finally settle on a car similar to what we had in the first place.

    Mine bailed and ran demanding a divorce (such an entitled child), I obviously filed after nearly a year of the pick me dance when I realised he was talking shite like all his DIY projects that failed to happen after 16 years…………..he allegedly told his skank whore they were finished but still asked me if they could be friends cos she was ‘a good mate’ I am still laughing at his audacity today………………….

    Just sold the house 🙁 I hope the new owners finally connect up some garden lights, the cable has been sitting there for 12 years waiting to be connected……………………….

  • My kid’s dad is every single one of these. $@&% how I wish there was someone like CL around when I was dating him. I wasn’t desperate to get married and actually broke up with him 5 times and would crawl back every time. I moved 3 states to be with him. Gave up my California lifestyle and high paying job based on his promises and his vision of us. I cringe of all the hours wasted talking to girlfriends, family and others about his head spins and what to do. I wanted the relationship to work out with the sacrifices I made. Major lesson learned. And I am happy well educated in sociopaths – will make me a better mom and can help me kids way through their relationship with their father (ie sperm donor). My kids are 4 & 5 and he already plays his pity card with them and when he starts the pick me dance I have to shut that down. He is very pathetic.

  • CL, how about the “fragile narcissist”, “depressed” and with “FOO” issues…you know, he is arrogant and treats everyone as inferior but gets on “anti depressants” from doctor when seeking therapy for cheating. Didn’t want to stay in our marriage because he did not want to be in an unhappy relationship like his parents (das was an alcoholic and had two children out of wedlock while married to mom. Mom stayed with him but kept “dads other kids” secret from “their” kids (until son left me…)…this is my ex “short” story who left me pregnant and kids and got married to OW on the weekend after divorce…they had a wedding but not sure if she is a “Jesus cheater” trying to “legitimize” their relationship …I guess I’m still trying to figure out what type of cheater or “person” he (my ex) is….he is all over the spectrum…and Im trying to untangle the skein…he acts as is nothing happened but “looks” depressed when I see him but claims he is now happy with her…he has told me he doesn’t care…after all he told me he left me “Because I can” he said

    • No such thing as a Plain Chump, PlainChump, you just got played, like all of us here, by a person who is “all flavors of fucked up!” The best thing we can all do is to move forward. Our exes are train wrecks and nobody can stop or fix that! (((Hugs))) and best wishes on your journey forward. One thing I know for sure, you were way too good for him.

      • Funny Smart Drew 🙂 -“all flavors of fucked up!” is exactly right! jaja You just made me realize maybe Ive been minimizing (as he does and so it is more bearable perhaps?) and maybe should change my name to something more accurate…

  • Disengaged Damaged Dick, the guy who spends more time at the fitness club than at home, works long hours (anything to get away from that family of his!), is a shithead on vacation, ruins holidays, presents, what present?, wacks off to porn instead of making love to his wife, hangs out with questionable coworkers and friends(5/5 are now divorced WOW!), has shaky boundaries, is a chameleon because he doesn’t know what he believes, and runs away when life gets hard.

  • How about Ice Cold Igor?

    His superior air of authority and cool headedness fool you but it actually masks years of indifference towards his family and a complete lack of compassion or concern. He calmly walks out of your life after 30 years because he’s “had enough”and “I’m done”. No reason, no explanation, no discussion. He stares with dead eyes as you sob, broken and bruised and walks away. He moves to a secret address, takes ALL his possessions and goes No Contact with you and the kids. He demands you sell your home so he can “have his half”.

    Add a dash of Rescuer Ronnie who is ‘saving’ a damsel in distress, the poor grief stricken widow of his best friend and there you have him.

    After 3 years there’s also been a gram or two of Apologetic Andy…. and Why Can’t We Be Friends Willy…..

    By then I was Happier Without You In My Life Hattie

    • CL, “damsel in distress”…reminded me, do you have a list of the OW/OM spectrum? I know you rather focus on ourselves or the cheater but could you shed some light into who these people are?

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