Dear Chump Lady,
A family member is divorcing her serial cheater and is attempting no contact. Below is a recent email from her not-soon-enough-to-be-ex that demands a trip through the Universal Bullshit Detector. She’d appreciate your take on it. Behold a masterpiece of crazy:
Subject: You asked for it
Draconian is an adjective meaning great severity, that derives from Draco, an Athenian law scribe under whom small offences had heavy punishments (Draconian laws). Sort of reminds me of only one person I have ever met. Funny thing with mental aberrations is that they do not resolve themselves, they only change tack. Shift focus if you like. The attached probably will be way over your head, but if not, it will be way over your objective understanding of this world. Of course this will anger you, but it is not my concern, experience have shown me time and again, that the biggest critics of professionals and achievers have been unfulfilled assholes who are essentially spectators. My handling of your situation, if you read the attached, is beyond fault. But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see. You would love to blame all your problems in your life on someone else, that being me….but I don’t buy it anymore. I do not have the energy or the inclination to talk to you about your paranoia about the past. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: I HAVE NOT SEEN JOAN SINCE OCTOBER LAST YEAR. I DID NOT GIVE HER ONE DIME, OR PAID HER FINES. Anyway that should be easy for you to check, having an insider at the traffic dept. By the way, have you heard of the PRIVACY ACT? I am going to cost your buddy at the traffic dept her job. She divulged information to an outsider in contravention of the law
As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain. You saw what happened last time I made a decent offer, you took it to the lawyer, and then it disappeared off the table.
True insanity is to try the same shit over and over again, expecting a different result (not that it would stop you!)
[2 attachments discussing mental illness]*
Joan is the first known OW, and apparently a repeat.
The attachments were articles on Schizophreniform disorders. When he speaks of “handling her situation,” what he is referring to is a period of time when he drugged her so she’d be more compliant. He claimed that her doctor phoned in a prescription to the pharmacy where he works (as a pharmacist), but it turns out that never happened. Basically, he wants her (and probably everyone else) to believe that she is mentally ill to justify his misconduct. Pretty creepy stuff.
Survivor
Dear Survivor,
Yeah, that is creepy. Drugging your wife and saying it was on doctor’s orders is the stuff of sociopathic Dateline specials. Sure it’s Ambien. Really. You can trust me… She’s fortunate she’s alive to divorce Mr. Scary Pharmacist.
Forgive the tangent, but Tom Lehrer’s My Home Town just sprung to mind.
I remember Sam
The druggist on the corner, he
Was never mean or orner-y,
He was swell!He killed his mother-in-law
And ground her up real well!
And sprinkled just a bit
Over each banana split.
A great satire about the dark side of the “super, special, just plain folk” like your sinister chemist there. I mean, goodness knows what he could’ve been slipping in those “doctor prescribed” meds. Yikes.
I think you need a police report more than you need the UBT, but here goes….
Subject: You asked for it
Isn’t that what people say before they hit you? “You asked for it!” must be the most common utterance of abusers. Not terribly original. This abuse I’m about to hurl at you? You asked for it. You make me hurt you.
Draconian is an adjective meaning great severity, that derives from Draco, an Athenian law scribe under whom small offences had heavy punishments (Draconian laws).
I’m erudite! I said draconian and Athenian and scribe! Behold my awesome historical references!
Notice too “severity,” “law,” and “punishments.” But, oh no, this isn’t a threat.
The UBT thinks this is a very weird way to begin an email, like it’s some academic lecture. He’d like to set the tone of superiority, of master and naughty disciple. You wicked girl! You dare object to a “small offense”?
Sort of reminds me of only one person I have ever met.
The UBT wants to guess! You met Draco the Athenian law scribe?! What’s he like? A real hard ass, huh? Don’t you wonder how some middle management scribe got so much power to punish? Who put him in charge anyway?
Oh. You mean the naughty girl. Must be that time of the month. Bitch be Draconian.
Funny thing with mental aberrations is that they do not resolve themselves, they only change tack. Shift focus if you like.
Word salad. (UBT is sputtering.)
Translation: The funny thing about mental illness is it doesn’t get better, it just manifests in other ways.
The UBT thinks it takes one to know one. Projection much?
I’m a sick abberent bastard. My problems will not get better. I will only change tactics and try and manipulate you harder. Right now I’m stuck on the rage channel.
The attached probably will be way over your head, but if not, it will be way over your objective understanding of this world.
I’m sending you trenchant, sophisticated literature, which you are congenitally incapable of understanding.
It’s like lining a guinea pig cage with pages from the Economist and then asking Mr. Squiffles his thoughts on the Romanian corruption scandal.
Mr. Squiffles has no objective understanding of Romanian corruption scandals. Such weighty matters of world affairs are over Mr. Squiffles’ fuzzy, little head.
Of course this will anger you, but it is not my concern,
I thrill to anger you.
experience have shown me time and again, that the biggest critics of professionals and achievers have been unfulfilled assholes who are essentially spectators.
No one can appreciate my greatness! MR. SQUIFFLES, YOU UNDERESTIMATE ME!
My handling of your situation, if you read the attached, is beyond fault.
I shall be explaining my faultless grandiosity in court.
But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see.
My blamelessness wears an invisibility cloak. It cannot be seen by unfulfilled, common guinea pigs such as yourself. Only the Great and Powerful can understand my handling of the situation. If they tune their mercury fillings into radio frequency 380-385 MHz we can communicate! Failing that, by tinfoil hat, but be careful — the squirrels are listening.
You would love to blame all your problems in your life on someone else, that being me….but I don’t buy it anymore. I do not have the energy or the inclination to talk to you about your paranoia about the past. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: I HAVE NOT SEEN JOAN SINCE OCTOBER LAST YEAR. I DID NOT GIVE HER ONE DIME, OR PAID HER FINES.
You accuse me unjustly. Stop being paranoid. Just because I drugged you, doesn’t mean I have to explain myself.
Anyway that should be easy for you to check, having an insider at the traffic dept. By the way, have you heard of the PRIVACY ACT? I am going to cost your buddy at the traffic dept her job. She divulged information to an outsider in contravention of the law
You’ve been talking to the SQUIRRELS, haven’t you! Watching us! Making reports! Covert squirrels have infiltrated the traffic department!
As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain. You saw what happened last time I made a decent offer, you took it to the lawyer, and then it disappeared off the table.
True insanity is to try the same shit over and over again, expecting a different result (not that it would stop you!)
[2 attachments discussing mental illness]*
If you’re reasonable, I’ll call you a bitch. That’s your Best Case Scenario, there. Go through your lawyer? Misery and pain! No deal!
The UBT cannot imagine anything more delightful than divorcing such a person. Misery and pain? That’s his balls in a vice and your lawyer’s hand on the crank.
So sad when abusive narcs face consequences. Mr. Squiffles knows way more than you think, dude. Enjoy your day in court.
“I Will deal with you man to bitch”… is that a threat or a promise?
Hah! Yes! Get a male lawyer, and deal with him man to bitch. Make your ex your bitch.
Kay, he exposed his biggest fear: lawyers! Get the best. And don’t read anything more from him. He’s told you he’s going draconian on you so believe him and don’t look at anything he sends. It’s like looking at the sun. He is on a mission to maim you so don’t give him access to your psyche. Everyday of NC is another day of healing and that’s the only way to build (or re-build) your mental and emotional strength. My x pig was in health care too and he dosed me, dangerously, after he ruptured two discs in my back. My first hope and healing came from CL, so visit often and soak in the good advice from all who have come before you. It’s a mighty group of strong survivors. You will be mighty again too! Hugs !
He thinks he is smarter than lawyers and you should harness this against him. Let him posture and when this crazy ends up in court, the judge should see right through it….a good lawyer, new locks, a PO. Keep safe, he sounds super scary. I would prob be paranoid and not drink or eat anything that isn’t fresh, no leftovers etc just because I can see this nut job sneaking in and drugging your food. But that’s just me, living with a scary person made me pretty paranoid…
I bet he is too good for lawyers and will go into Court as a litigant in person (if this is a feasible scenario). You could sell tickets.
No shit! I’ll take my bitch over your questionable man any day of the week!
Just send in Mr. Squiffles to bite his obnoxious draconian ass. Hot tea spewed from my nose and I nearly choked to death, I was laughing so hard! Would love to send this grandiose POS this translation and be a fly on the wall for the stellar show of self-righteous indignation. 3 cheers for Mr. Squiffles!
There are far too many horrible people in this world. Life is too short to have to deal with the vicious insanity these cheaters dole out. The writer of this letter sounds both crazy and scary.
Glad, that’s exactly what I thought = crazy AND scary. His rambling is a product of his distorted mind. Major creep.
Yea, crazy & scary! Oh shit! I hope he’s not my pharmacist!
He’s crazy and scary when he’s dealing with the woman he cheated on. If he had to face up to another man, he’d be a wuss. Guarantee it.
I’d put money on that.
That’s exactly who this guy is. Exactly.
Dear Lord! The mask done slipped and the whole shebang has melted! Those of us who had to keep a notebook of shitty things said to remind us that Hoovers be Hoovering could have just clipped this baby as Cliff Notes and been done with it. I hope the long suffering chump intended does several things with no reservations-
1. Document, document, document.
2. Lawyer up to the bejeezus and decorate the walls with nailed nracissistic balls.
3. When all is said and nearly done, show up to court with a support posse, look fabulous, smile sweetly, and refuse to even share the air in an elevator with that sweltering turd.
Wow. Just wow. CL, buy the UBT some WD-40 and a neat Scotch from me.
This guy is fricking dangerously silly, or so silly he is dangerous, Survivor. As my Narc lost his grip on me and DD, he lost his grip on reality. And got nastier…..keep your nerve. Change locks. If this guy drugged you, he may try worse as you start to get-or at least show-a bit of Meh.
And get help from professionals-your lawyer, his balls. End of. You can’t negotiate with terrorists.
It is really hard not to swing at ptiches like this, but don’t. I wouldn’t even acknowledge this. Sticking to business and business only, “Thanks for the info”. No Contact otherwise. Set up an email account to forward all this tripe to, and get on with your day. A restraining order would not be amiss.
“Sound and fury, signifying nothing.” Except maybe you are well away from this contumacious, chauvinist, nincompoop. Survivors know some big words, too. Difference is, we deploy them in truth, not attack. I used to teach humanities-I’d give this jackass a D- for composition….
Big hugs, Survivor!
Love to Chump Nation.
x-Meh.
Chaser the border collie knows more grammar than this bozo:
Mismatched Noun/Verb: “experience have [sic] shown me time and again”
Run on sentence: “As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain.”
Double adjectives, missing noun: “But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see.”
If this guy wasn’t such a scary nutcase, the wife should red line his email and send it back to him. With notes on grammer to help the Simpleton construct a proper message.
Here Here! If he’s so smart, why can’t he structure a sentence properly. Good grief that was hard to read.
Imagine how the UBT felt.
Yeah, I don’t know how you did it. That is one crazy MFer!!!
You know, the poor writing was hard for the copy-editing portion of my brain read. It is especially bizarre given that he is trying to school the recipient, acting like he is some great intellectual genius.
My next thought was that perhaps English is not his first language…but no. He’s too crazy across the board, so methinks he’s just another deluded asshole with overblown delusions of his own greatness.
There are some seriously crazy people out there. A girl at work, her friend and her husband were supposedly normal. A few years ago, the guy shoots the wife, chops her up, puts her in the freezer for a few days calls the police, tells them the wife is still alive, in the freezer. Runs from them, long pursuit, till they kill him. Crazy.
I noticed the problems with syntax and usage. That not only means he’s not as smart as he things he is, he’s not nearly as coherent as he wants people to believe.
I saved the emails calling me a crazy bitch and a cunt. Yes, document!
This asswipe is a straight up nutcase,yo…he’s self destructing…
This sounds like the shit my STBX sent me – sounds like he’s in the manic phase of bi-polar disorder. The grandiosity, the threats that your actions are “probably illegal”, the threats of misery to come if you don’t play by his rules…. Yup.
My attorney has 2 3″ binders full of screen shots of text messages. What genius doesn’t understand is that judges hate that shit. He has put down the shovel & started up a backhoe to keep digging that hole.
NC and absolutely no response is the only way to go, and absolutely do NOT communicate or try to negotiate directly, go through attorneys. Ugh, reading that was trigger-y.
Official diagnosis of letter writer: Cuckoo.
If I received such a letter, my next step would be to buy a Rottweiler, sign up for handgun lessons, and line the sidewalk to the front door with land mines (guests–enter at the back).
“Bitch” best be careful.
Make sure your sister saves this for her lawyer. I thimk having it could provide some decent leverage.
This email is chilling. I agree with CL. I would file a police report. This is one scary nutjob.
I think they only say, “You asked fro it” AFTER they hit you.
Self righteous, passive aggressive word salad bullshit. Thats all this is.
This letter (a copy of it, anyway) needs to be taken straight to your family member’s lawyer ASAP, as documented proof that he is a raging nutjob.
And she needs to sleep with one eye open, because this shithead seems capable of absolutely anything.
I am just loving the mental picture of his balls in a vice and her lawyers hand on the crank! Kind of like my lawyer did to my ex!!! I love it! This guy apparently knows he’s a burnt shish ka bob and now he’s trying to ramp up the threats! Judges and lawyers just love these nut balls! IGNOR the ass and forge forward with your demands, guaranteed he’ll fold!! Mine finally did! Oh and to the person who posted about having all their evidence in three ring binders, so did I! Along with an index and a great timeline! Worked very, very well!
I had tons of documentation. My x was not this scary violent, he was simmering …. just enough to make me scared the entire year. He could turn that shit on with a switch, sweet to neighbors and kids, ‘scary to me’ Awful. Anyway, the documentation is the way to go. Keep all documentation out of the house, hopefully at lawyers. Have a safe plan etc….in the end, they do usually negotiate. I walked out of negotiations. Her lawyer needs to be top notch! UGH, the fear…..
These guys see killing you as a valid option….having to pay anything makes them mental!!!!
Very scary! How is this dude still employed as a pharmacist after that stunt?! Yes, please get police involved. This guy sounds dangerous and willing to violate whatever to do what he wants. Very sick. Divorce is a good idea here!
This is one where the UBT’s job is mostly fairly straightforward; just switch the direction of each sentence, and bingo, there’s the reality! He says she’s crazy, but in reality, he’s crazy. This information about mental illness explains what’s wrong with you, but will probably be over your head? This info explains that I’m mentally il, but is actually too hard for me to understand! He says she’s extreme …. He says she’ll regret messing with him …..
I especially like that last bit, once it’s switched!
This is my sweet sister by marriage in the post. She checks in here sometimes, but I don’t think she’s posted. She can use some support from CN. Her court date is months away and this is the sort of thing she has to live with in the meantime. You can call her Kay.
.
Hugs and love to Kay.
Many Jedi Hugs going out to you Kay. If you have any evidence of the drugging, that should be followed up on and charges filed. That is some scary stuff, be watchful and keep safe
Survivor, thanks for sending this in on behalf of Kay! Please encourage her to talk to the police. That drugging her shit has me worried. That is a step or ten beyond simple crazy and as others have mentioned, he should not be a licensed pharmacist after that stunt.
Kay, if you’re reading this. Stay strong girl, CL and Chump Nation are standing with you.
Hugs,
Daisy
I have to wade through a lot of professional papers, where they use a lot of big words but don’t manage to say much of anything. That’s what happens when you are trying to demonstrate how smart you are.
This is an attempt to goad a chump who has gone NC on them. It REALLY pisses them off. If you continue with the NC, and refuse to engage with him, he will step up this bullshit giving you some REAL good crap for court.
Sit back and watch him make a complete ass of himself, and please share.
Get him reported to the pharmacy board for drugging you!
I’ve seen crueler letters but I have to say this is the creepiest.
Kay,
Best of luck in court! This man is cuckoo. I hope you protect yourself & never trust him with anything.
I was married to a nutcase too… A less verbal one. He painted me in his ugly colors and stole my ‘halo’.
These fucktards are so dangerous. I learned the hard way what happens when you try to expose a psychopath… He/she gets very vindictive and merciless and will not hold back.
Please stay safe! Getting a weapon for self defense is a good idea. Do not let this man near children if you have any.
So true, LittleLady. As my therapist says, “A wounded narcissist is a dangerous animal.”
So true! This man bleeds, no, hemorrhages narcissistic rage! Get a really good divorce attorney who specializes in high conflict cases. Also, because this wingnut looks like he would like to instigate a scorched-earth scenario on all of this, absolutely go NC and keep safe.
Tell everyone you know, Survivor. Everyone. Doesn’t matter how embarrassing it might be for Kay, you need to shine the spotlight on this guy and keep it there.
How do I know. This guy risked his professional license to DRUG HER. He has risked imprisonment for a FELONY to do it. He is confident in his psychopathy that he will not be caught, because she and others won’t tell. I’ve told the story before, and I won’t put anybody through it again, but a friend went through this same thing with a doctor she was involved with—and SHE IS DEAD.
Tell. Tell. Tell. Every single fucking time this asshole writes something like this? Publish it. On the internet. Make a blog just like this one that CL has—use wordpress or blogger and GET IT OUT THERE. Do NOT use this as “secret leverage”. It is a bad idea. Make copies and send them to every person you know—and then TELL HIM YOU DID IT. Don’t elaborate, just matter of fact, “Hey, STBXH, I cc’d every single person we know and some we don’t. Oh. And here’s the link to the website that I’ve published all of your emails on. From now on, you talk through my lawyer or I will sue you for harassment. Have a nice day.” (and mean it with the harassment part. he writes again, that is harassment. knock his ass to the ground for every single email that doesn’t go through her lawyer)
The more your sister holds this story close, the more this guy will harass her. The only thing that scares this kind of psychopath is daylight and a bully with a bigger stick. Make a police report. Tell everyone who will listen and let them read what he’s written—let them know that he drugged her. If she doesn’t want that, too bad. This man is beyond sick….he is evil.
Don’t fuck with this guy, no matter how amusing it might seem to make fun of him. These types don’t exact revenge when they feel the sting—they wait. They are predators and they are dangerous. I watched my XH exact revenge on people he thought had done him wrong—YEARS after the fact. They don’t forgive and they do not forget.
The only protection she has is to keep everyone informed of exactly what he has done and is doing.
Good luck to you both.
Sphinx, this is a great idea, UNLESS she is in direct physical contact, or has the potential to be in day to day life, with this fuckwit. In that case I wouldn’t show all of the cards in this manner, because he can and will get violent to prove a point.
I’m speaking from experience with this – I was nearly physically assaulted by an ex after I went full disclosure on their cheating. As in, backed against a wall, hands around the neck style. The only reason I got out of that situation unscathed is because I said, completely devoid of fear (and bear this in mind, he was twice my size and three times my weight): “I know 10 ways to kill you myself from this position, I suggest you back the fuck off NOW” and he thought that he himself was at risk of harm so he backed off.
SphinxMoth–I think it is worth writing your friend’s story again. There are new posters every day (and I’ve been here 8 months and don’t recall the story fully).
These people are not safe, and the most dangerous time to a spouse is when she/he leaves the sociopath. It is easy to minimize the danger, but stories like Tessie’s and Irish’s and Datdamwuf’s are worth repeating so that people take precautions.
I agree. Tell the story or bump the thread in the forum.
Boyfriend was a resident and friend was a tech that worked in the same hospital. She put him thru residency—pretty much paid for everything major because as you know, doctors are paid pretty much nothing during their 4-6 year stint.
They had a lot of financial entanglements–but not because he paid for much, it’s because she thought they were building a life together and purchased high ticket items for the both of them–a condo, nice furniture, etc. He took, and took and took. She gave freely and willingly because she loved him.
But don’t worry, he said, when I graduate, we’ll get married and I’ll be able to pay my share, do my share. It’ll be great.
He had a few really nasty (to me, anyway) quirks that she let him get away with–he liked to grow pot in his little hydroponics set up in their spare room. She hated it, but he convinced her that it was “harmless” and that if he got caught, “they only give doctors a slap on the hand” for doing these things. She was never comfortable, and as far as I know, she never partook—but she let him get away with it. Because she loved him.
He graduates. Big money in his immediate future! The payoff for all of their hard work and sacrifice!!
She says, “Ok. Now it’s time to get married. I’ve been with you for 8 years, supported you through all of your lean times…and you said that we’d get married and things will be just as we planned.”
He says, “Uh….well….um…..did I say that? Well, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about all of that. I’m not sure we’re really compatible anymore. I think I need to go my own way for awhile.”
She spazzzzzed out, and I saw that personally. It was not pretty, it was heartbreaking. She’d put her “best years” into this asshole (that nobody liked anyway) —and now this?
One afternoon, everyone gets the call that she was brought into the emergency room of his hospital.
Here’s HIS story:
They were calmly discussing how to divide the assets. Nice, calm–he was telling her how he wanted her to “take everything” and he wanted small things, because he could now afford all of the “nice things” he’d always wanted (he apparently didn’t realize how assholish this sounded).
They have a bit of an argument over some things–SHE gets upset. She locks herself in the bathroom. FOR THREE HOURS.
He didn’t bother to check on her, because hey—she’s upset and he had to make a sandwich or something (being sarcastic here).
After 3 hours, he decides to go and check. She doesn’t answer the door. He bangs on the door. No answer. He “gets very worried”. He breaks down the door….and finds her there on the floor, with an empty bottle of Elavil (an antidepressant) by her side.
(here’s where things get downright stupid)
Now, he’s a DOCTOR. There is a hospital 2 miles down the road–but not the one he works for.
Instead of calling 9-1-1 (as any trained healthcare worker knows to do. EMS has the equipment to save a life within minutes)—-he decides to try and resuscitate her right there on the floor.
OD’s aren’t resuscitated with CPR—they need different care, like intubation.
He wastes some time. Then, he decides to put her IN HIS CAR and drive to HIS hospital—-30 minutes across town.
She was DOA.
When they pumped her stomach—they found absolutely no residual Elavil in her. Nothing. No pills, no higher blood levels that what she already had (she was taking the elavil, so she did have some normally in her blood).
Moral of the story: DEAD IS DEAD. He may have sleazed his way out of it, because they could never prove what it was that killed her—no murder weapon, no witnesses, just suspicion—but SHE IS DEAD.
He got to move on, with all of that nice “stuff” (he didn’t have to spend a dime getting new things)—moved a girlfriend into the condo within months—and my friend IS STILL DEAD.
Do NOT fuck with these types. In my humble opinion—you find out your SO is a cheater? ALWAYS look at them through the lens of the story I just told you. THEY ARE ALL CAPABLE OF DOING WHATEVER IT TAKES TO GET THEIR WAY AND COVER THEMSELVES.
If someone is ready, willing and able to risk your life through unprotected sex—do you honestly think that they would not harm you in some other way? Do you really, honestly believe that the person that brings potential crazy (think Fatal Attraction) into your home/life with you and your kids wouldn’t harm you in some other way?
If you do…..then perhaps….well…..I think anybody who believes that their cheating spouse, who did all of these horrendous things to them—would not harm them in more serious ways—is deluding themselves and needs professional help. I’m not trying to be hurtful, just blunt, because some people around here seem to fucking need it.
Sorry to say, those who believe in unicorns—unless you want to be the doormat forever (and if you’re honest with yourselves, you are turning yourself into a frazzled, freaky mess to “keep your marriage together” with a person who would RISK YOUR VERY LIFE)—-you need to go NO CONTACT and get professional help for yourself and your kids.
That’s the sad tale.
**post script—- And yes, he DID get away with it. He lives a very comfortable, cushy life now, with a girlfriend—not the one he moved into my friend’s condo, btw. He changes gfs like he changes clothes.
I want to make sure that nobody misunderstands me on this. If you think your cheater is “different”—-SO DID I. So did my friend. I have said those words….”But he’s different. He would NEVER do that.”
Yes, they would. You give them the opportunity—they will. They have ALREADY PROVEN IT.
Think of that. Think of how he (or she) came home, told you what a wonderful spouse you are, and ASKED FOR SEX. They just got done doing their AP UNPROTECTED—and they come home and ask you to put that thing in your mouth or they want you to “go south” after their man just did his thing there.
It’s crass and it’s disgusting—and IT IS THE TRUTH. It is the REALITY of cheating.
They come home and put their face next to yours or your kids’—smoochie kissy lovey—-when it’s been…..where?
They spend family resources without regard for “what if we can’t pay the bills next month”—who gets to feed and house your kids?? YOU DO. Oh yeah….you get to turn yourself into a crazy pretzel to make ends meet—
Because they are just soooooo wonderful. All the time. So nice and so friendly and always have your back. Well, they’re back there, all right, ready to drive the blade right between your shoulders.
The only reason that some cheaters don’t resort to this type of drastic measure? Because they are fearful of being caught—NOT BECAUSE THEY LOVE YOU OR CARE ABOUT YOU.
Think about that. The only reason they would not drop you off the side of the Grand Canyon is because THEY ARE FEARFUL THEY WILL GET CAUGHT.
Do NOT underestimate them. Ever. I did it—and I was sorry. I’m still living, but I have had serious health issues since.
Not just emotional scars. Towards the end of my marriage, when he was being an outright monster—-I started having problems with wound healing. Anything. A small cut or abrasion….would take weeks to heal. I began to become so fatigued, I couldn’t stand up.
I mean FATIGUE. Like walk across the room and then have to sleep for 4 hours.
Several days after I kicked him out, I went to the doctor. My hemoglobin was 8. They TRANSFUSE people at 10. Normal is above 12.
My red blood cells were being destroyed or lost because of something. I had a colonoscopy, an upper GI and an abdominal CT. NOTHING. There was absolutely zero way that I was losing them….so they must be getting destroyed.
I had to be hospitalized while they gave me high doses of iron to bring my RBC level back to normal. I stayed for 3 days—and then was released home (without fucktard there).
We never found out what was doing it—and within several weeks, and maintenance therapy—the anemia RESOLVED. Disease processes don’t do that.
There is another way for someone to have the symptoms that I did—-rat poison. Small doses of rat poison. It’s how d-con works. Rats/mice eat the arsenic….it destroys their blood cells….(well, in those cases, it’s a large dose)….and they die of hypoxia.
Say….sprinkle a little on someone’s food….day by day…..little by little…..the person slowly declines….it’s not a sudden, abrupt death.
Do I KNOW this is what happened? No. I don’t.
What I DO know? My XH was KNOWN to exact revenge on people he believed did him wrong or stood in his way. Even a slight insult like when a manager told him he was gaining weight one day—my XH turned around and stole this guy’s PDA (I was not married to him at the time)—which was this guy’s lifeline (as our cellphones are to us these days).
You see vindictive? You see brooding? You see little white lies? You see negativity?
RUN. These are precursors of what is to come. Believe me—you think…”He may do that to other people, but he would never do that to me.” or “Isn’t it wonderful how jealous my husband/wife is? It shows me how much they love me.”
No. They don’t love you. They are control freaks and when it’s your turn to be treated like shit, just how you see them treat other people…..it will burn you to the ground.
Sorry for the rant, folks. I am triggered today with this like I haven’t been for a very long time.
I’m tired of seeing people get hurt by these assholes and give excuses for them as to why “its different” with their cheater asshole.
Sphinx, this spoke volumes to me! Thank you for sharing, I NEEDED to hear it.
OH HOLY HELL! O…M…G! YES! Sphinx! they are capable…and willing…I am so thankful that you are o.k!…it is so bizarre to think of the person that shared your life and kissed you good morning…wants you dead behind their carefully constructed facade…it’s chilling…they are all the same…
I agree completely. I have some mind boggling stories sbout my XW. She is capable of anything.
SphinxMoth, I’m sorry that you have been triggered…but, I really needed to hear this today. My stbx has refused to settle our divorce and trial is next week. Married 21 years, he doesn’t think I deserve anything. To the point, he thinks he deserves EVERYTHING and is refusing to accept the reality that he will not get to keep everything. The truth is he lost it all when he decided fucking whores was more important than his family, but he refuses to acknowledge any responsibility. The biggest point of contention is the house…he’s hanging on for dear life. I’m very afraid of what he might do when he is eventually confronted with the reality he won’t be able to keep it. I think he will be very desperate. That house is his only status symbol left and losing it will make him look like a failure to all of his friends/acquaintances and he can’t handle that. It will contradict the narrative he’s been putting out there about why our marriage is ending and his responsibility in it. He also uses the house and his perceived “material success” in life to impress the women he’s trying so desperately to lure into his creepy life. He must be seen as the successful, big man. He can’t handle the truth that he’s a creepy, perverted, sick and twisted excuse for a human being.
Thanks for your timely warning. You’re right Sphinx…these disordered a-holes will do anything to have what they want. Please know that sharing your painful story and that of your friend has done me world of good today. I’m thinking of buying a gun after work.
A narcissist will kill you for one of two reasons (1) revenge (quite possibly over a perceived slight) and (2) because you are in their way.
And you’re right, the only difference between those who will and those who don’t is fear of getting caught.
It’s foolish to believe they are not dangerous.
Sphinx, OMW that’s exactly what happened to me, step by step…I kept getting sick and that was the exact time frame, he was trying to convince me to make him beneficiary to everything, and I mean everything that I own (instead of my minor son and I was 38 btw) when he didn’t have shit to his name, when he was a freeloading POS with everything. He was pretty sure I was going to die before my child reached 18 and was trying to convince me, by saying “make me the beneficiary to everything and when (not if) you die and when your son turns 18 I will turn over everything to your son, I am only thinking of him, so your ex-husband (my Childs father)doesn’t funnel everything into his own pocket and name before your son is 18” Mind you, he wasn’t just a serial cheating, pathological lying, freeloading pos mooch, he was/is also a thief! When he finally realized I wasn’t going to do that, for some reason my health got better. I think he realized if I died and since he wasn’t beneficiary to anything, he would’ve lost his meal ticket so he kept trying other cons. There is much much more, but it would take forever for me to write it. But looking back now and seeing his true colors, I know I wouldn’t be here writing this post if I was stupid enough to do what he wanted me to do back then..
High regards for you SphinxMoth! My heart doth swell with pain for you. Cyber hugs.
I agree, Sphinx. I don’t recall it in its entirety either and even at this stage (18 months out) it would be beneficial for me as I’m still dealing with my ex. This letter in this post today triggered some things for me and brought some things to light…even after all this time I’m still finding ways I’ve excused his behavior or didn’t have a name for it at the time and just shoved it to the back of my mind.
Constant reminders are always helpful.
I agree. Let folks know about this and the drugging. Not sure if anyone suggested hiding it and using it as leverage. Publishing it and still using it in court or negotiations are not mutually exclusive.
I did not know that, Arnold…I thought that perhaps if you tip your hand publicly like that–it “taints” the evidence in some way. I’m glad to hear that it may not.
Should be useful regardless of publication if he and his lawrer fear the judge seeing it.
Kay get away from this scary monster. This is beyond rage and abuse. Anyone willing to jeopardize their livelihood to keep you in your place by drugging and threatening you into submission is dangerous. Report him and get a restraining order immediately. If you believe he will harm you go to a shelter. He sounds very explosive and reactive. Be safe first.
Hi Kay,
I understand the fear that this kind of crap (although your nutjob takes it to a very special level) can engender.
When my husband (STBX) faced the possibility of having to divide a portion of the marital assets (after refusing to pay any child support for our kids), he warned me that I would not ever see a penny of money from him and that my lawyer and I would run sobbing from the courtroom. When I told my lawyer that, her first response was to laugh–then she asked if it was a physical threat, and I told her no.
She’s seen this before. CN has seen this before. CL has seen this before. (Okay, maybe not the part about drugging you.) That’s why this isn’t as scary to them, because they have seen people bluster, and then fold. My settlement conference is next month, and so far, I’m the one who’s looking like I’m in a stronger position.
You just have to go through this crap and keep facing it to get to the point where you find your courage again. Meanwhile, know that you don’t have to walk through this alone. Assemble Team Kay: lawyer, therapist, CN, your sister-by-marriage. It starts getting better from here. Be sure to tell your lawyer you’d like to have your doctor’s statement deposed as part of the divorce. He thinks he understand the concept of Draconian? Ain’t seen nothing yet.
Just wow! There is an elevator that doesn’t go all the way to the top floor and if it does, there are lots of crazy people partying with him. That is some scary shit! I’m not sure what kind of action you can get from law enforcement with just the ramblings of a certified wackadoodle but it can’t hurt to explore it!
I used to feel bad that the exhole in my life rarely read and if he wrote anything it was two sentences (and both of those sentences were probably grammatically incorrect with several spelling errors). I prefer that over the musings of a psychopath any day of the week.
The bummer thing is that I’m guessing this whack job probably takes his scary up a notch or two if he is ignored. At the very least I’d get a giant dog that isn’t afraid of protecting its owner!!!
I’ll take two of whatever that fuck wit was smoking…. I would love a trip to Athens and thru time! maybe he should put down the pipe when he is watching 300 or was it Troy? Trippy.
Mine loves to quote archiac methods of totrure and like pleasantries…. Its a mind fuck. I tread lightly around my nut job. I sleep wih one eye open. Its a balancing act and i count the days off onthe calander that I never have to deal with him again.
Becareful. I dont have more to offer.
He could be a loud mouth schnook… Who loves to hear himself and gets off on the fear factor or he can be the biggest threat to yr life. Have a plan. Document well.
I am sorry u are going thru this.
Ohhh… And what Sphinx said….. Tell everybody! Document. Have witnesses. Its solid advice
Ahhhh – Kay must be expecting half of the marital assets. Yep – going through this bullshit myself. My stbx tried to ‘deal’ with me and was constantly texting me on his ‘great’ offers. Then he would sit and explain how his offers were to great. Something I just COULDN’T pass up. Silly jackass must have thought I forgot about that Pension he has. Or the cashing in of that Roth. Or the fact he has 13000 more in his 401k than I do. Once he figured out that yes – I will be taking half that pension, roth, and 401k – he got nasty. Very nasty. I have kept all his texts and have showed them to all my friends and family. The thing is, my lawyer doesn’t seem to be giving them much weight, which I think is bullshit. I am asking for dissipation, but I was told judges don’t care to hear about these little ‘threats.’ WOW – I just can’t believe the judge wouldn’t award more assets to someone going through this abuse. I don’t give my stbx the time of day unless I have to. He has been an asshole and like Kay, I am blamed for our divorce. He is the psycho. His threats don’t work so today he texts me and asks me to come for dinner. I said no. Then he asks if I would like to come over for a drink. NO! his last response then was “Well I am just trying to be nice and see how you were doing.” Ya -go fuck yourself asswipe. I didn’t respond to his last text.
My therapist told me the other day that she thinks she is counseling the wrong patient. No shit?
Lady, think what you want but never answer those emails with anything he can use against you in court. If the emails are threatening the judge may care, by that I mean physically threatening, otherwise it’s likely the judge won’t care, they’ve seen too much crazy in divorce cases
When you stay in a text-messaging relationship with these abusers, you give them a direct portal into your head and your life. And it is way to easy to fire off a response. Much better to be as No Contact as possible and use email or snail mail.
Here’s how I interpret the letter:
[Ramblings of a narcissistic lunatic, peppered with threats.] I am superior, you are inferior, also I am fancy and use big words. Why, I am practical a doctor (see attached, not that you would understand it.) The drugs I used on you, in fact, appear in said literature, and I can pronounce them all can you?
I’m scared of lawyers because they can make me do things, so I am using mind tricks that you cannot understand, in order to make you afraid of retaining the services of an attorney, because that would be an inconvenient for me, even though I am smarter than a lawyers, since I could have been a lawyer. I can outwit your lawyer, but don’t get one! I shall be the decider if you are not a bitch.
[Note, I Googled something about delusional paranoia, which I know a lot about first-hand; there are big words in the articles, all of which I can pronounce. You cannot, therefore I am correct!]
Oh Miss Sunshine, best interpretation ever! Sadly, very accurate. What we are dealing with is personality disordered people who are master manipulators using mind-fuck as a trauma weapon.
Dear Survivor, and ultimately, Kay —
Mr. Pharmacist has a Draco Malfoy potion pushing complex. Beware!
(Harry Potter reference there)
He “diagnosed” schizotypal disorder?
That means he would have “prescribed” an anti-psychotic or tranquilizer?
This is what needs to be reported. Was it documented? How did you find out he had done this? Is he still in physical proximity? Nil by mouth! Do not take any meds in capsule form. Identify tablets via online reference photos.
Really everything he has said is about himself. Dr. Draconian is the only one here dispensing punishments. He is dangerously stupid to self-congratulate his malpractice in a threatening email to you.
In ‘Harry Potter’, Draco Malfoy is a Death Eater. I believe your Draco Malpharmacist wants you to take him down.
Please take this issue to wise counsel.
Please cloak yourselves as Grey Rocks.
May The Force Be With You!
I would advise Gavin DeBecker’s The Gift Of Fear. When you are dealing with someone this disordered and delusional, I think one cannot be too careful. This guy sounds dangerous, please don’t take any chances. Document, document, document. Get in touch with the local domestic violence organization. Please understand that these narcissistic nut jobs can be utterly ruthless in their quest to win at any cost. Yes, they are cowards, but it is impossible to tell the moment they cross that line into narcissistic rageful insanity and become willing to do the unthinkable to win. Past a certain point, they just don’t care about the consequences.
Please stay safe.
Yeah. ‘The Gift of Fear’ is one of the books I would HIGHLY recommend reading. It has lots of practical advice for deranged nutjobs who mean you real harm.
I love the “The Gift of Fear”; great book. I am also a new fan of an older book called “Women who Run with the Wolves.” Very empowering, helps to heal our soul injuries by not initially seeing what was behind the closed doors of the Narc disordered (spackling). This book has been life-changing for me and resonates deeply with not only what happened to me, but how to turn things around by acknowledging our birthright: intuition. For example, the day I married my Narc, we got into a fight at the courthouse and looking back I believe my vulnerable soul was knocking on the door of my psyche trying to give me a message, but unfortunately, I spackled it away. This book is helping me to get back to my real self. I think it is a must read.
I’m normally just a lurking chump but I have to give my opinion. Please make sure your friend has good personal security measures in place. This guy definitely has a personality disorder along with a huge need for control. In a divorce, he is losing that control and this causes some men like him to do violence. He sounds like a sociopath. Even if he has NEVER lifted a finger toward you, please consider that it’s a possibility and act accordingly. Don’t let him in your house. If there is some compelling reason he must be in your house, have several people with you. Keep your doors secure with new locks. Don’t meet him alone, anywhere, under any circumstances. When you leave and enter your home and workplace, keep a watchful eye of your surroundings. Consider getting a restraining order; use that email for justification. I have indirect experience with this type of man and he murdered a wonderful woman and devastated everyone who cared for her. That email sounded eerily like him……..
There is a lot of good advice here, but it bares repeating, document document document, maintain no contact, beef up security and tell everyone you know, share his emails and text messages so he knows everyone knows. Never doubt how evil these son of a bitches can be or how long they will carry a grudge. i am sure the only reason i am alive is because i spoke out and he knows damn well he would be the first person on the suspect list if something happened to me., I told him as much when we split. i have told my whole family that if something happens to me, mysterious mechanical failure on my vehicle, freak explosion, suicide…. look no further than james.
It sounds to me like he is scared and nothing worse than a psychopath who is afraid he is going to lose money or be exposed for what he is.
i have a free download on my website(ladywithatruck.com) for a safety plan, things you can do to stay safe when leaving a narcissist, there are some good basic easy to do things that will increase your safety. It has been 5 years and my ex still haunts me.
judges love documents, proof, hard evidence, pictures, letters, emails, the narcissist can say anything he wants but the judge will look at hard evidence. he is trying to intimidate and he is panicking, don’t succumb to the threats, use them against him. let him nail himself to the cross, but watch your back.
Good luck!!
Carrie, can you link that Interview on The Sociopath Next Door here so that people actually get an idea of why trying to change/understand a person who is sociopathic is futile? Thanks.
“The Sociopath Next Door” by Martha Stout is my Bible. When I start feeling even a twinge of regret or doubt about XH (or anyone else I cut off at the knees for showing these signs/symptoms)—-I reach for that book.
A guy I briefly dated is “Poor Luke”. Get the book.
Have a plan, NO MATTER WHO YOU ARE WITH. Doesn’t matter if you are “happily married to a former chump” or single or whatever. Everybody needs to be aware of their surroundings, what is going on and what to do if something goes sideways. ALWAYS.
This isn’t just an abusive spouse thing. This is a LIFE thing. You always hear people say at a crime scene or accident—“I never saw it coming” or “Where did that come from”—when all it might have taken was a few minutes to scope out the area or plan a little differently. Like, who the hell goes jogging at 3 a.m.? Be reasonable folks. Just because you CAN, doesn’t mean you SHOULD. Just because it smacks you as “unfair” and “constricting”—do you want the alternative to being just a little more cautious?
Sorry. Here comes another rant….gonna sign off now. :/
The thing that drives me crazy is people jogging with headphones or earbuds in. Might as well hang an “I’m not paying attention to my surroundings” sign around your neck. People who are alert and aware of what goes on around them are far less likely to be victims. Can’t act on red flags if we refuse to see them.
I love your web page Carrie! and I totally admire your spirit…It is YOUR page that inspired me to be able to leave with nothing…no clothes, car, job…I admire your spirit…and am so thankful I found you! CL is the best therapy I have ever had…Lady with a Truck? the best inspiration!
Chumpaloney, thank you for letting me know, that means more than you can know! I hope life is getting better and better! HUgs
Wow – that’s just plain scary.
Any judge worth his salt we see right through these ramblings of someone who has lost control of the situation and is panicking.
My exH stood in the hallway of our house after reading the divorce papers he had been served with and yelled “I won’t let you divorce me !!!” at the top of his voice. When I calmly said “I can and I will.” he ran out of the house slamming the front door so hard that I thought all the glass would fall out.
The lady should pass this to the lawyer/solicitor and let them deal with it – and it goes without saying she should take all necessary steps to keep herself safe.
sorry – line 1 after “salt” – “will” not “we”. !
I’m not sure, but tampering with prescriptions sounds like a felony in itself. Was he ever reported?
We really need to have someone do dramatic readings of these letters.
Tell your sister to get out. Quickly. Just get out.
this creepiness hits home. the night of d-day my cheater tried to force me to take some of my prescription valium that were prescribed for a medical condition. looking back, i am so glad that i refused. that is just so wrong on so many levels… i was righteously angry at him because i had trusted him implicitly for sixteen years… he turned on me that night and then tried to drug me? i am very scared for Kay. Kay, if you are reading everyone’s messages here, please please, get away from this scary dude asap.
My EX wrote emails of exactly this sort (complete with esoteric vocabulary, email attachments about medical studies, and insults to my intelligence and character). I saved them and gave my lawyer copies. Once my lawyer was managing the negotiations, he shifted to writing her emails threatening to have her disbarred, quoting from various statutes to show how he would decimate her professionally, etc.
Everyone I spoke to suggested I never see him alone. I took a family member with me to court; I had a friend with me at child pick-ups when I couldn’t do them in a public place; and I had a phone recording our interactions when I had to get the kids alone. I spoke with my neighbors, and they knew that I wanted them to call the police first and ask questions later at any time his car was in my driveway, and they heard him raise his voice. (He wasn’t allowed in the house either, for obvious reasons.) Or if they had ANY concerns. I had to alert my employer as well. Sometimes people are reluctant to make scenes or call the police because they don’t want to make trouble unnecessarily. I let those around me know that if they were uncomfortable with anything they saw, then it was time to call for help. I feared being alarmist and melodramatic and making my private matters public, but as a friend told me, he knew this about me and leveled his threats accordingly.
It was all stressful and tedious, but the only way out is through. Please tell your family member to rally her troops.
My EX intermittently continued to engage in this kind of harassment for about 2 years after all property and custody issues were settled. The third and fourth year out have been much better, but there have been flares of misbehavior. This kind of crazy is not an act; it is who the person is or has become, and it is exactly why your family member needs courts, law enforcement, and third party help.
Most people who write crap of this sort won’t shift to physical violence, but a few will, and the time for giving him the benefit of the doubt is over.
Most people don’t break many laws by drugging you and put their career and freedom at risk.
Serious mal-wiring issues are involved with this creeptacular asshole.
I agree, but that information about the drugging is in the notes from CL not the documents that this disordered Jackass has sent his abuse victim. My own experience with legal people of various stripes is that they dismiss undocumented claims, not because they necessarily disbelieve them, but because they can’t often be prosecuted or used in court. And, of course, some people just think you are elaborating when you tell them about the unverifiables.
If it happened there would be pharmacy records, a prescription with no order from the doc.
One would hope, but as a pharmacist it seems possible that he could also finagle and falsify things pretty easily. Remember one of the mantras, “If his mouth is moving, he’s lying.” She’d explain he was drugging her. He’d say it never happened. There would be no order from the doc and no pharmacy record either. And he or his lawyer would just claim she was delusional or viciously trying to ruin his reputation. If she has the bottle from the medication, she should certainly keep it, and if she can get him on tape talking about how he’s medicated her, that would be great! My lawyer advised me to stick to the documented abuse or misbehavior–proving the other ones would just be a sink hole for time and cash. The fact that he “gave” me documented abuses was a gift, of sorts.
But then since he is the sort of person who brags he can get another person fired, he may well be too arrogant to realize he can be fired too, so he may have left plenty of evidence, and if so, it should go straight to the police, the lawyer, and any employer.
Hi Kay,
I’m sorry. Projection is such a hard thing to deal with. It’s especially hard if you’ve been subjected to it for years, and started to buy into it. My angry Ex with repeatedly diagnosed anxiety disorders and other mental illnesses claims I have an anxiety disorder and anger issues. It’s scary the way they use exactly what they feel to describe your behavior. It is absolutely crazy making. I hope you have an excellent support team to keep you on track.
As everyone else has said, I hope you will protect yourself. This guy has an extra layer of nutty badness. Stay strong!
Sweet Jesus, please have your family member save this email and make sure her lawyer gets a copy. He’s delusional to believe anyone would read that and not see the undertone (or blatant overtone) of threats, aggression and oppression. What a sick monster.
I’ll admit that his ramblings, although more “eloquent”, remind me of my ex, Gollum. The projection was always Gollums favorite tactic. It’s so fascinatingly crazy to see someone write out projection in plain sight like in this letter…it displays their delusion so perfectly.
Gollum also made threats to sue, take to court, contact their boss & have fired every person that he viewed as a threat to expose him or that got in his way; therapists, my friends, my father, clients & employees from his work that he thought might’ve been blowing his cover….what a nut…most people don’t care enough to expose that you’re looney in the first place. But one therapist told me, upon him no showing for our couples appointment, that his actions prove where he is and he went nuts over that. Lol. Like that was a big mystery? He said he’d report her and have her stripped of her license for making slanderous comments about him. Hahaha.
Lastly, when I read things like this I realize how much more extreme my situation was than I realized. It was so normal for him to be crazy and I guess it became my normal, too. That’s so scary to think.
Why isn’t he in prison yet? Heck, what does it take? And please tell me he is no longer practicing pharmacology.
So true the mask has really slipped off.To think you loved somebody so much and they truly couldn’t love you back the same way.Cheaters are spiteful ,controlling,lack empathy,lie and are bullies.Not to mention sick in the head.They can never give you anything meaningful in life.They are fake.This letter just proves this.I hope your sis follows though with the divorce.Her stbxh is a nut job.
I’m going to echo the many others on here who say that your friend should report him drugging her to the police as well as the state licensing board for pharmacists. This man is a danger not just to her, but to society.
I, too, have one of the nutcakes…I have a protection order…actually, I have had 4 in the last 5 years…it is the reason I went back, the police refused to arrest him for violation…keep your friends close and your enemies closer, mentality….they don’t stop…they just get worse…I was so isolated the first 3 times and was terrorized by him and his family…the 4th time, I got on the news and told my story…I exposed him to the Sheriff Victim Witness program…and now? had him arrested for throwing me out of vehicle…it takes a while…but EXPOSE HIM! to anyone and everyone that may be able to help you…and go NO CONTACT…it is easy to be lackadaisical…you still, after knowing his games and abuse…don’t believe anyone could be that bad…I have been there…it is because YOU are NOT a nut! We can’t comprehend what these psycho people are capable of…
My cheating, lying, abuser almost killed me…SAID he was going to kill me…this is only the tip of the iceberg…he WILL get worse when he gets the fact that you are serious…and his usual tactics don’t work any more…
File a police report…keep family and friends close…and get a protection order…
You are so right Chumpaloney, when we love someone we make excuses, we think they won’t really hurt us even when our intuition is screaming we want believe at core they won’t harm us, until they do. I always say, “don’t be me, listen to your gut, remember your dreams, act on the fear, it’s real”. I’m glad you made it out, Jedi hugs!
Datdamwuf…yes…even in light of all…your mind cannot accept evil if you are a kind, loving, giving person…it just doesn’t register…The Gift of Fear was given to me by a Victim’s Witness Advocate…she recognized what I was up against…the book is worth it’s weight in gold…your hugs brought tears to my eyes…most of the folks that hear my story, don’t believe me…how could this kind, loving husband possibly do anything like that? I must be the crazy one…I am making it all up… I can show them pictures of my mutilated face and body…the texts he sent admitting it…”Google” him! I tell them…but no…disbelief…and then I am ostracized and ignored…
Chump Nation is the best therapy I have ever had.. worth more than gold…those Jedi hugs were physically felt…THANK YOU! Thank you for them…and the validation…I needed them so bad…
Come on the forums, you’ll find plenty of support there, and you will find peeps again, it’s hard to rebuild and find new friends but it will happen. I wishThe Gift of Fear was required reading in school at about 7th grade, it would save so many people a world of hurt. I’ve read it twice, also the Lundy book Why Does He Do That.
Problem is though, with the true sociopaths in life, at that age they would read that book and then proceed to find ways to ‘refine their craft’ – so it makes them even worse.
Chumpaloney, I really get what you are saying, being a crime victim carries with it all sorts of tough baggage. Been there, done that. More hugs to you Sweetie.
These dipwads’ favorite thing to do is shift the conversation from their whoring to your “craziness”. Ex asshole never failed to do this.
I don’t think I’ve ever read a communication like that, within 4 WORDS I was ready to choke this pompous thing that pretends to be human. What is that Jerry MacGuire romantic quote? “You had me at hello”? With this one, you had me at “I am going to define a word to you that you already know the meaning of because I simply vomit out words”
It’s just manipulative BS. The guy belongs in prison if he illegally drugged his wife in his effort to control her and make her more “compliant”.
That’s some serious shit.
He’s calling her draconian? Heck, the fact that he’s free to write letters from anywhere but a state prison is proof not enough has been done to hold him accountable.
He minimizes his cheating, he says drugging her “is beyond fault”? Report this freak.
Holy Shit Balls !!! This guy is at least 50 shades of fucked up !!! He sounds delusional and scary. He drugged her. Get that PO NOW!
Side Note: I love it when these intellectual creeps think they are so smart, yet can’t even put together a coherent sentence. My X is like this too. So smart, so intelligent, but really dumb as a box of rocks, underestimating everyone, especially his chump. Ha ha ha
Psychotic break, anyone? Seriously. And he can’t decide if she is crazily suspicious or if she really IS violating his rights by checking with the killer squirrels in the traffic department. I would not want this man around my Crestor let alone anything stronger….
This is a prime example of verbal abuse — actually it reminds me of my father. One of the many strange things about our relationship was that I did admire him for getting out of a terrible, poor family with no education, and sticking it out to get a fairly decent one, becoming a teacher — but he could never quite make it in the socialization part of the change. He would abuse his education with displays like this, and always acted like he was superior in every way. It was simply an “unfortunate” circumstance that his wife (who also came from a poor background, and went on to educated herself and become a teacher) just never did make the same brilliant intellectual jumps dad did. Even though she made better grades, and kept pace with him while she worked and went to school, and delivered and raised 5 children and kept the house and kept everyone fed and laundered. He was just so much more brilliant than everyone else. Smarter than doctors, and lawyers and other teachers, by far. Able to leap tall buildings in a single bound — oops, sorry, that was someone else.
Of course, all five children were a source of disappointment as well. Even though all 5 finished at least 2 years of college and other training, 4 of the 5 finished a bachelors, and 2 of the five went on to finish masters degrees plus. We were just not worth consideration — actually could never make a good decision and were just too stubborn to follow his excellent ideas regarding our careers, our educations, our choice of friends, our politics, In fact, you name it and we ALL did it wrong! So discouraging to have his brilliance and expertise just wasted — much like throwing pearls before swine (one of his favorite sayings. )
There were many times I wondered about his capacity for actual violence. I was really worried when my mother finally did divorce him, after 40 years of that kind of abuse. But she did and we all have moved on with our lives, my siblings and I just content to wallow in our mediocrity. Away from his observations. I wonder sometimes if he will be able to cough up a simple statement like “I love you because you are my child, and I am proud of you, just as you are.” I think not, I don’t believe he even realizes how important those words would be, even if they were uttered from his death bed and produced because of his fear of dying. I stopped believing he could change years ago — but I am not sure all my siblings have made it to the place I have, and so I hope he will say the words, even if he chokes on the lie as he utters it.
This kind of person is malignant. The only way to deal with them is to get away from them. Time and distance help to mitigate the bitter memories, but there is nothing to be done about the scars that are left behind. Survival is success after you have been exposed to this — any other material gains have really already been bought and paid for, and I think most would agree that the price paid in damage to your psyche is way too high.
Portia-
yes, little words go a long way. I have a stbx m-i-l who is an absolutely horrible person. I often pray that in her next life, she will be a decent person. Anyway – her grandchildren hate her. She favors one particular grand-child (my dead (from addiction) brother-in-laws child) so obviously and it is pathetic – all the other grandchildren see it and it is absolutely astonishing. I could give a million stories and examples of what that woman has done to her grandchildren. Anyway….. my 18-year old daughter and I speak of her grandmother often and what a horrible person she is. It’s funny in a way, but very sad for my kids – and the other grandchildren. I said to my daughter one day “Geez – I hope you and your dad don’t get together like we do and bash my mother the way we bash his mother.” My daughter said NO WAY – she said “my other grandma (my mother) is great. Everytime I see or talk to her she tells me she loves me. My other grandma has NEVER told me she loves me.” Yep – I beleive that. I think that may be partly why my stbx is so heartless – he was never told he was loved…. Something so simple as “I love you” goes a long way….
After WWII, some people did studies on the differences between those who resisted Hitler & those who aided him. The ONLY common denominator that these psychologists found was: the good helpers felt loved as children. Food for thought.
Oh my gosh! This translation has me laughing in tears! When the UBT got to the “covert squirrels” I may or may not have had to cross my legs … tightly.
Just never ever doubt that a Cheater will go to any length to obliterate you. I have told this story here in the past.
My cheating Ex DID poison me with powdered paint mixed into curry sauce. He did it gradually, they figure over several weeks, until I began to show fairly severe symptoms. The OW was putting pressure on him to leave me, and I (and the police) believe she was complicit in the poisoning plan.
Fortunately one of his colleagues at the time outed the affair to me and I dumped him and changed the locks. After a few days my health began to improve and it was only then that I went for blood tests. Lead levels were high and pointed to deliberate poisonong.
I can only think it was for the insurance money. I would have likely not survived if that colleague had not talked. Cops did a number on the Ex.
I’m just saying to you…when a guy shows you his evil side, take it VERY seriously and act to protect yourself.
Marci, I’m so glad he’s evil plan was foiled. Your story is terrifying and you are so strong to have gotten yourself out of it! Thanks for sharing
MARCI!…OH SO FREAKIN’ GLAD YOU ARE ALRIGHT! After going thru years of abuse…you would think nothing would shock me….yes..I am still shocked.. at the lengths a psycho will go to hurt you…wish I could hug you right now!
I hope his ass and her ass is in prison for attempted murder!!!!! Thankfully you are ok. Wow – I really didn’t think that happened in ‘true’ life!
I read “blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah” Sounds like a scared pansy to me. Lashing out because he’s afraid he’s going to pay for all his sins. Heck, he even threatens her friends. Back off or else your friend gets it.
Now’s the time to really go for the kill on this guy. Let the lawyers screw him over royally. Please please please….
Kay,
Someday I pray this will all seem so very foreign and far away for you. But it’s become almost normal to you, and no contact will begin giving you the space to see that this is NOT normal, and you are worthy and wonderful – and he is the broken one.
I too have a scary exH story – with an exH who can be wonderful and charming and so very believable. But when he was almost caught – the primary OW was suspecting that the stories he was telling – that he had left me and our child – were not true, he ramped up some real crazy stuff. The very worst story – one that I cannot even tell my family, because it is truly crazy, and I hate to admit I lived this – is that exH successfully caused me to have at least 3 miscarraiges. We’d both been cleared as having no medical issues (the only issue is that he really didn’t want to have children – that would be inconvenient to explain to the primary OW who was in the scene for our entire 10 year marraige), so when I would get pregnant, as soon as I told him, about a week later, I would lose the baby. And my doctor was stumped, since everything seemed fine. With our one biological child, I was so wary of losing her, that I waited quite a bit longer to tell him (I didn’t want him to be upset..ha), and for whatever reason – he didn’t do anything that time – maybe seeing the heartbeat – I don’t know. He just claimed that she wasn’t HIS, but that’s another story.
One pregnancy, I was about 15 weeks, and we’d gone on a little vacation, and at the end of the trip, he handed me a drink, telling me it was “special – I’d like it” It tasted like a Pina Colada – I reminded him I was pregnant – no alcohol – and he insisted it didn’t have any…but I remember thinking how odd it tasted. Sure enough, about 12 hours later…and he wouldn’t even wake up to help me downstairs, and refused to drive me to the doctor. Ice cold. I crawled down the steps and laid on the bathroom floor all night, alone and crying. Thinking something was very, very wrong.
The week he left for good, he was very agitated, He come over one night, and was rambling on about how he “made sure I didn’t have those babies” – when I asked what he meant, he got the cold, dead eyes, and said that I shouldn’t ask questions – that he never wanted children, and I was a selfish bitch for not listening and “making him hurt me”. Later, I was able to figure out that during the time I had those miscarriages, he had consulted with a friend/girlfriend of his from his home country who’d been a pharmacist there – birth control had been forbidden for years there, and there were a number of ways women were able to induce miscarriages using herbal/other medical means. He’d told her about his predicament – that he didn’t want children and I did, and she advised him and provided him with whatever it was that he put in my tea and that “special drink”. And he admitted it. He killed his own children, because the OW would know that he hadn’t left me. So when he looked at our kids the week he left with no emotion and a flat voice and said, “I feel absolutely NOTHING for them.” – that was the only one fucking time in 10+ years that he ever told the truth about anything.
Be safe Kay – he is capable of anything – he is evil. Believe it.
Redefining, that is a horrendous story. I’m so sorry you went through that and am so glad you’re away from him. You are lucky to have escaped with your own life!
Redefining,
My sincere sympathies for your experiences. I can relate somewhat. My evil Ex, the one who fed me lead paint, was so angry when I exposed his cheating that he attacked me with a kitchen knife…when I had my back turned and was crying. He held that knife to my throat for a very long time and raged about all sorts of things, because he knew his free ride was over, and inconveniently, I was still alive. It was a neighbour who heard my screams, called the cops then pounded on our door, that finally made him stop.
Of course, before this, he had been the “nicest” guy on earth. These crazy people, they do wave the red flags, but it is SO important for chumps not to ignore it. When someone starts crazy-making, including ignoring your feelings, just walk….away. Sometimes you may be mistaken, but I’d rather be wrong than dead.
Marci, that goes ditto for you! So sorry you went through that trauma. I hope you’re living a peaceful life now, far away from him.
Me too…for all…how terrifying…my brain is still trying to comprehend…I am so glad you all are alright!
Yes, what Lyn said. RDM and Marci, wow. You are phenomenally strong people. Thank you for sharing your stories. As painful as they are to read, it’s worth it to prevent it from happening to one more chump. Blessings to you both.
Hugs from me too, RDM and Marci.
Thank you for sharing your painful stories. I am so glad you are all well and alive. Such horrendous ordeals. My heartfelt compassion sent your way.
pure evil. I hope kharma comes knocking on his door. You are lucky he didn’t try to kill you
Thank you all. It’s been a long road, but this place has helped so very much. It does get better.
Jesus, Mary & Joseph! What a letter. What it all boils down to is — he is a big whiny bully.
To add to the chorus…there is really good advice listed here Kaye.
1. Do NOT take the bait.
We don’t know your relationship dynamic, but we can assume he is pushing all of your buttons here — wanting you to react. Keep going NC.
2. Lawyer Up.
Yep – he is angry that you went to a lawyer. But, guess what — we have LAWS.
I find it really interesting that these kinds of disordered people – don’t believe in the law. In fact, they usually don’t even know the law. They make up their own rules!
3. Document. Document. Document.
This letter is so beautiful. It shows:
– admission of adultery — acknowledgement of a Joan/OW
– admission of a crime — my handling of your situation
– proof of wanting to harm you — my handling of your situation, you asked for it, if you go to a lawyer there is will be pain
4. Go to the Police
Really, you know this. Go and talk to someone. Maybe there is nothing they can do, but they will be aware and that is important.
5. Remember you are the Sane One
Who knows what other lunacy you have endured. You know you are sane and within your rights. Someone who honesty cares about their spouse/family/friend and is worried they are mentally ill — gets them help from trained professionals.
Be safe but never ever be afraid!
“I find it really interesting that these kinds of disordered people – don’t believe in the law. In fact, they usually don’t even know the law. They make up their own rules!”
This is so true! After my ex left I found some evidence of his affair on a laptop he left. He actually wrote, “I don’t have to follow society’s rules, I can make up my own rules.”
That is such a classic feature of narcissism. So sick!
Tracy, this is your blog so I am stepping way over bounds here. Could you leave this one up for a couple of days and allow CN to give details of their abusers? I have finally come to realize that my former SIL is probably sociopathic. Her behavior after she deserted her children reeks of no conscience. I think the idea of sociopaths across the wide spectrum of personality disorders holds true. I have an ex “friend” whose life history is one of small/large issues but she never learned from her “mistakes” which makes me believe she never got why they were wrong. She cheated on her husbands, waltzed in and out of her exes’ lives even though told many times to stay away. On the other hand she presents herself as “poor widdle me” over and over again. She sees nothing wrong in a little minor theft or falsification if the needs should arise. The problem is she left a trail of human debris behind her a mile wide. When she began telling lies about me at work, minor though they were, my husband wondered just what she was saying that I never heard about. When I finally stopped all interactions with her I saw just how facile she is and how manipulative. If I had this much trouble with her I wonder what her marriage was like. I saw enough of it to realize her second one is as disordered as she.
I couldn’t get through the post due to this Mitch trying to sound so smart, yet using wrong words in the wrong context. “Tack”? Do you know when to use “have” and “has”? Kick rocks…ROFL….
RedefiningMe,
What a crazy beast! To think we trusted these losers. This redefines crazy. It is greedy, selfish and abusive. Hope he has to eat his own shit one day, without sprinkles.
#1 Restraining order. #2 The absolute best lawyer you can hire.
#3. Home security system.
#4 surveillance cameras, the only thing such a freak fears is getting caught
#5 a dog? If nothing else, a dog is an alert.
This is terrifying, especially the use of pharmaceuticals in such a way. My heart breaks for the person who received this letter. Please join me on my journey out of the inferno. The fuckedupedness is mind-blowing but I know deep down when everything is signed I will be in a better place, and you will too.
As I read this letter, it struck me that not enough people are intimidated by the consequences of breaking laws anymore. With a computer and thesaurus, everyone is a lawyer now.
This letter/threat is a perfect example of why we so desperately need divorce law reform. Until people are accountable for their bad behavior in terms of consequences, the UBT will always have fodder and attorneys will always make money hand over fist.
Rule reform #1: If you cheat, you pay for the chumps legal fees. That would stop so much of this hateful, time-sucking bullshit that drags out divorce just for spite and in a narcs eyes, fun.
My ex was pursuing a career in the medical field but failed out of school. Pharmacy was actually his first plan until he switched it multiple times.
But this letter makes me so happy for the world that he was never in a position of that much power. This guy^ up here….perfect example of how scary these creatures can be when they have power and they want to maintain it.
Mine majored in psychology!
Ha, same here! Disgusting.
I was thinking about becoming a pharmacist. But then – I couldn’t pronounce half the names of the classes. I became an accountant instead. I can say/read “cost” and “management” without a problem 🙂
I can’t tell you how much I thoroughly enjoyed today’s installment. What a fucking loon! He makes my X positively angelic by comparison, and that’s saying something!
This guy is a crazy son of a bitch. Save all these entertaining messages . . . they will be mighty handy come court time.
Do you think she could coax him into confessing that he drugged her? If she could get it on tape she could put an end to his craziness really quick. I’d start with the police report, and pharmacy licensing board…. then let him give his sob story to a judge. He’s dangerous. I’d get a dog, a gun, new locks, and security cameras. This is the stuff 60 Minutes is made of.
This may might be one of the worst CL comment threads ive ever read. Two attempted poisonings and three forced miscarriages? No horror movie is as scary as some of these creeps.
The good thing is I doubt she will be “but I love him” or “I want to reconcile” because that some serious crazy and some serious meanness. That has got to kill all the good memories and love that once was. If he were my husband, I’d definitely be cured and deadset on divorce after that email
Kay, this man is too many levels of crazy for any sane person to try to comprehend. Please follow the sage advice given here. I’ve made a note of some quotes of experiences I’ve read here which have really hit home and one was, ‘The longer you stay trying to negotiate with the disordered the weaker you get and the stronger they get. ‘
Stay away from this lunatic. First and foremost, keep yourself safe and well protected. There are no levels of depravity the disordered will not sink to to try to justify and vindicate themselves. Stay NC. Do not respond to any communication from him unless it’s through a lawyer. Report his drugging to the police and any other relevant authorities, like yesterday. Divorce his ass and set yourself free of crazy. Keep the focus on you. Be kind to yourself. Take care of yourself. Rally your support system. Your sister already has your back. What about other family members, friends, colleagues, strangers, CL?
ReDefiningMe, your experience touched my heart. It was heart wrenching. You are so much better off now on the road to recovery without crazy in your life. Big hugs. X
The Maya Angelou quote rings so true, ‘When someone shows you who they are believe them; the first time.’
In other deadly narc news, Oscar Pistorius is being released.
I know, that’s crazy! right?
Wow, reading some of these stories, it’s like these exes just forget how to be human beings. Even beyond lower than subhuman. Or predator unknown species in disguise.
Key to dealing with crazythings to remember here is to #1 protect yourself and go NO CONTACT. #2 share this info with a lawyer who has dealt with abusive/violent/disordered exes because some of these lawyers(and small town judges) think nothing of sitting back and letting you figure out what needs to be done (all while charging you money that would have been better spent on making ends meet). So you need a lawyer who is very focused on a fast fair settlement and timing is everything #3 Document, document, document. My ex was a peace officer that worked a second job part time for a family court closely affiliated with ours. He spent four years controlling the narrative the entire time he was engaged in his last affair. I was fucking clueless. I let him file because I.paid.attention.to.my.gut. He became a threatening entitled POS and all I could focus on was that settlement. Aside from abandoning his family he ran out on paying our mortgage-we had never missed a mortgage payment in 25 years– left the entire twenty eight years worth of work (furniture, vehicles, pets, house, and property) with me his discarded wife, fucked with pedente lite support, ran our savings out, used his children as pawns, and all I had left was his pension. So you can be sure his behavior as crazy as it was did not allow me to lose my focus on the one good thing from that marriage, a fair half. Make sure your lawyer doesn’t drag it out. Most family courts are not set up to deal with crazy. I think another strategy may be to speak with local law enforcement. I felt threatened for two years-the entire time it took asswipe to settle, but it wasn’t until he vandalized the house that I began to really worry over my personal safety. Small town. And gotta hand it to him he planned well. Show those emails to both lawyers involved. I sent my ex an email that stated I did not want to end up dead just cause he had to get his dick wet –and really I was fine with the divorce ;)–I just felt that the settlement should have reflected a fair division. Be sure to educate your lawyer on pay too. There are a lot of perks in many jobs that are never addressed in family court. #4 if you have the opportunity MOVE away.
Okay, I will put my story out too as a warning of just how crazy these cheater narcissistic jerks can get.
Cheater ex was diagnosed as bipolar and put on lithium. It worked. Problem was, he liked being manic. The meds went down the toilet, courtesy of cheater ex. We were still married and living together at the time. One day, we’re sitting at the kitchen table and he looks at me with those dead shark eyes ….he says….”When I feel depressed, I feel like getting a gun and killing you and the kids, and then myself.” He only said it once, but I believed him. The very next day I started working extra shifts, telling him I was saving for Christmas. I also took his gun apart and hid all the pieces in different locations. Then I put the ammunition down in the wettest corner of the basement and filled the plastic bag the box of ammo was in up with water.
I prayed like hell and worked my butt off to get enough money together to be able to rent another place for my boys and I. There were no savings, and he had totally trashed our credit rating.
When I had enough money I went to a domestic abuse program. They assigned me a wonderful woman’s advocate who helped me get a temporary restraining order. My friends stepped in and helped my boys and I move in just one afternoon. Cheater ex was served at work while we got outta Dodge… so to speak.
I won’t go into all the ways cheater ex tried to screw me over, just that all his grand plans seemed to backfire. He got angrier and angrier. When the divorce was done, I definitely came out on top….with one exception. I couldn’t convince the judge cheater ex was dangerous. He refused to order supervised visitation for my boys.
Approximately 5 months later cheater ex kidnapped my youngest boy, age 14, bound him hand and foot, strangled my precious child to death, and put my boy’s body into a sleeping bag with 72 # of boat anchors. Then cheater ex drove to the state next door and dumped him in a shallow lake in the middle of nowhere about 100 miles away.
After that, he and his equally disordered buddy drove to Arizona where they both committed suicide at the edge of a canyon. They left his car by the side of an interstate with the door ajar and the keys in the ignition in hopes that someone would steal the car. Their aim was to erase all signs of who they were. That way I would never know what became of cheater ex or my son.
It was almost 2 weeks before I knew what happened to my precious son. Two weeks of agony and terror. Cheater ex and his buddy were found first and identified fairly quickly. Nobody stole the car. The police notified me first. At 3 in the morning. Alone. They thought cheater ex was my son until they identified him correctly.
Meanwhile, week later, a woman who was walking her dog got the most horrific surprise of her life. Cheater ex had discarded my poor child’s body in only 2 feet of water. It eventually began to float enough to be discovered. The police had to use dental records to identify my boy.
They came to my house to tell me the next day. My life as I knew it ended at that moment. Nothing would ever be the same after that. I am a very different person from what I once was. So is my remaining amazing son. We have moved forward with our lives, and yes we have healed to the extent that we can. But there is huge hole in our hearts and lives that will never be completely healed.
Please, please, please, never underestimate what the cluster B’s may be capable of. Murderers don’t walk around with it tattooed on their forehead. Abusers can hide very well in plain sight. Who knows what will make them snap to such an extent that they will commit a horrendous act? Please do whatever it takes to safeguard yourselves and your loved ones.
You are all precious and irreplaceable. Please stay safe.
Oops, make that cheater ex’s buddy was mistaken for my son, briefly.
Tessie, it’s amazing you’re still standing. I can’t conceive of such a loss. I don’t know how a person could come back from that, let alone have the resilience to lend support to other people in pain. He was evil.
It helps to be stubborn as all get out….too stubborn to self destructive the way cheater ex and his family wanted me to. Also I had another child to try to nurture through all this shit. I couldn’t afford to lose it.
Tessie, you are so strong. I love that you speak of the unspeakable. The untrustworthy should have no access to the rest of us, even their own families. Especially children. I hope the judge got word that he or she killed a child, because giving a defenseless child over to a madman is reprehensible. Hugs to you and your living breathing child. You both need that, I expect every day.
Ok one more time….dang tablet…cheater ex’s buddy was mistaken for my son, briefly.
Tessie…no words could possibly articulate how big your loss is…my God…I agree with you…I could have never imagined that my disordered nut case would try to kill me…but he did…and he wanted to…if they show you who they are…believe them…it is such a tragedy…that your beautiful child was a casualty of disbelief from a total stranger that was supposed to uphold justice…and the law…my heart bleeds for your boy..and for you…I am so sorry…
Tessie – I am speechless. My eyes are watering as I think about what I just read. You are a STRONG woman! I am so so sorry for what you have endured. My heart goes out to you and your son…
Thank you, Tessie, for sharing your painful story again. My heart breaks anew every time I read it.
But we all need to realize that many of these cluster B types are not as benign as we think. We project good qualities on them to stay married to them, and then continue to minimize their pathology after separation/divorce because we cannot wrap our head around the fact that we loved monsters.
But women and men DIE when they don’t pay attention to certain signs and take steps to protect themselves.
From a website on stalking and spousal murder, “Separation is also a powerful trigger for murder. According to a study of homicides in Chicago, 50 percent of wife killings took place within the first two months of the separation, and an astonishing 85 percent of these women were killed within the first year. In contrast, among the women who contemplated killing their mates, getting dumped accounted for only 13 percent.”
Do not underestimate danger when you see warning signs of it. And the most dangerous sign of potential danger is when one spouse stalks the other.
Tessie,
i have started this comment at least 9 times because I dont know what I could possibly say to you. Sorry doesnt seem to cover it. It just doesnt. Yr painful story is a tragedy and it hits me hard in the chest. There are days when This type of scenario plays out in my head… And I suffocate on the fear.
I want to believe my ex would never harm our daughter… But there is a fear in me… An impending doom. I wake in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. Hypervigliant. Every creak in the settling house has the hairs on my arms erect. And yet there is nothing there. He planted the seed of fear in me and I hate him for that. But something in my gut tells me something isnt right and he is just the kinda crazy to do something. Part of me thinks that the game for him. He just has to keep me afraid… Toy with me. The other part of me is worried sick.
I have some things in place. Living with a miltary nut job did teach me a few things… But I am no match for him.
I have no family here. They are 2000 miles away in another country. I just want to run. I never thought my life would be like this. I never thought in a million fucking years my life would be like this.
TheClip, Do you have an exit plan? Some strategy to get away? There is no need to live in fear indefinitely. People can endure almost anything for a finite time. Set a timeline and budget and contact your family and involve them in your plans. Then maybe you can look to tomorrow instead of being part of his game. Wave buh-bye! Is that possible?
I cant take my child out of the country. If i could I wouldnt even pack. He knows where my family is. And he has all their contact information. Theyndont speak to nor engage him.
I think a lot of it is in my head. He did a good job of cultivating fear. Like building a good story. Years i have watched him learn tactics and manouvers… I know what he is capable of. He knows that. I dont poke the bear.
I had hoped that after a year he would be tripping down the garden path with Tweeny but that doesnt seem to be working? Or keeping him occupied. And thats what frightens me. He left. He persued her and other women. He petitioned. Yet he tries to keep some kinda foothold in my life… And he does it it with threats.
Maybe its all in my head but I dont want to be wrong.
Tessie, your story hits me in such a deep, raw place every time, and as Clip said, how do you even begin to articulate a response to something so incomprehensible? That a parent could kill their own child especially for revenge is just pure evil. But the judge was also culpable, IMO. My God, why is it so hard for people who’ve been victimized by these Cluster B fuckers to be believed by the people who could offer protection and support yet choose not to? Thank God you and your other son have each other. Please tell me there’s no contact with your POS ex’s family?
TheClip, I agree with Survivor–listen to your gut. You’ve shown in your posts that you’re a very intuitive, straight-shooting kind of person, not the type to be leaping at shadows. Can you seek legal counsel? What would your options be if you went to your family?
Tessie
Thank you for sharing this with CN. I cried reading about your beautiful child. There is no greater pain.
Thank you everyone for your kind words. It means a lot to me that there are wonderful people out there who care.
The Clip, I understand your fear. I knew cheater ex was going to do something, but I thought that he would come after me when he lost his shit. I thought that I could hopefully handle the attack in whatever form it took. We had been in a few nose to nose confrontations in our marriage and he had always backed down, coward that he was. I was smoking the hopium pipe. He was too cowardly to strike at me. He went for the most vulnerable, the smallest and weakest, the child who still loved him unconditionally. He knew that was the best way to exact his revenge on me. I don’t envy cheater ex his karma. He earned it, every bit and then some.
His family were every bit as disordered as him. 2 1/2 years later someone burned my house down. I’m pretty sure it was them. I came home from work one morning and my home was just a burnt out shell. All my fur babies died in the fire. All I had left was the clothes I was wearing and my car. Because his family had been successful in smearing me to the local police department, the only person they investigated for arson was me.
At that point my eldest son told me that if something happened to me, he was going after cheater ex’s family. He was 20 at the time. I knew he meant it. I told him not to worry. I was going to make sure that didn’t happen. This peace loving woman went out and bought herself a .357 Magnum, and took a gun safety course, and practiced regularly. I also rebuilt my home in exactly the same place with steel doors, sturdy locks, bars on the basement windows, and good outside lights. I lost friends over my not moving away, but I knew if I ran, I would be running the rest of my life. That wasn’t going to be. I also got myself a big dog.
The Clip, Honey, I know there are no guarantees in life, but I do believe it’s important to prepare for bad possibilities the best way we can. To this day good locks on my doors and windows, my dog and my .357 magnum are my peace of mind. I’m prepared to the best of my ability. I did eventually sell my house and move to another place, but on my timetable, and not out of fear. All this was done with lots of prayer.
What I’m saying The Clip Honey, is that you can lay the best groundwork of protection you can, and leave the results up to Spirit. That is what has helped me deal with the fear. I will be praying for you Honey. Do what you can to stay safe, you and your little ones.
Hugs Tessie. What you have been through is horrific. Simply horrific. If I went through even half the shit you did, I probably would have murdered the disordered fucks myself.
I’m not religious – but I hope there is a special kind of hell for these pricks after they kick the bucket. Its people like this, who should have been aborted in the 40th trimester.
OMG, Tessie I am so very sorry for your loss. Words can’t explain it. Sending you prayers and blessings and thank you for sharing your story with us. It was very honest and brave of you.
about original letter
If no one has suggested it yet please report the incident of his dispensing prescription meds without a prescription to the state licensing board for pharmacists in your state. At a minimum it will be placed on his report on the national database. Maybe talk to your states attorney general distributing meds without a script is a felony. Doing it to control another person I am certain is probably assault.
Hi all. “Kay” will get here to speak when she can. She lives in another time zone from most of us, and in a place where the power can go down for hours, and did again today. Just another frustration. She did read some of your posts and hopes to read more. The idea that she has support is a happy one. Keep up the love. She needs it. Thank you so much!
Tessie, you are an amazing woman. Your experiences have touched me to the core. Your strength, determination and love for your children remind me of my dear mum who passed away 4 years ago. Your son must be so proud to have you for his mum. I’m so glad you have each other. Thank you so much for sharing this with CN. X
Tessie, I just don’t know what to say. Please know your post touched me to the core and helped me tremendously. I am in awe of your resiliency. My sincerest and warmest best to you and family.