An alert chump sent me this letter to “Meredith” an advice columnist, that ran in the Boston Globe’s Love Letters. In it, a cheater laments his pain since his affair partner moved away and how the affair was a chance for him to Find Himself. (Look in the file under “Douchebag.”) Meredith handled it pretty admirably with “Self-exploration doesn’t entitle you to betray your spouse.” But then fumbled the ball when she recommended couples counseling. (Lawyers and credit checks, Meredith!) The chump requested I put the letter through the UBT.
Without further ado:
Found Myself And Had An Affair
I have tried to write this letter many times. I usually give up because I feel it’s impossible to describe the full story. Bottom line is I had an affair and fell in love with a woman I used to work with. We are both married and she has since moved out of state (previously planned). Our affair began in the same way I have read many affairs do. We were both missing things we needed from our marriages and filled that void for each other.
Our inadequate spouses made us cheat.
We filled voids for each other — pressed against the copier, bent over in the broom closet, and spread eagle on the conference table.
Bottom line, I’m missing the way she filled my void.
Well before the affair began, I started seeing a therapist for stress, but eventually started a journey of self-discovery.
I discovered that if I want something, I should have it. Cookies, motorboats, co-workers… I like self-discovery!
A little over a year later, I have realized that I went to therapy because I wanted to learn how to love myself.
Then I learned that I am splendid. If I did Bad Things it was only because I didn’t understand self love. (Actually I understand self love just fine, I’m not so good with self-respect and empathy, but who gives a whoop?)
Throughout my entire life, I have hidden aspects of personality from others or withheld parts of the truth because I am so worried about what others will think of me. This includes my parents, friends, and wife.
This is a sad sausage way of saying “I lie to people.”
What has made this affair so difficult to end is that I was finally able to bear my soul to someone.
By soul I mean “trouser snake.”
I have never been as honest and truthful about myself as I was with her. I revealed things about my past and present that I have never been able to share with anyone.
She knows I am a cheater and a liar because she is cheating and lying along with me. We share that. It makes us special and unlike ordinary people.
When I was with her, I was able to love myself because I knew I could fully be myself.
One sentence, six references to myself. I’ve nailed this self-love thing!
We have recently decided to stop talking (again) for a variety of reasons…
We got busted and she moved away.
…but the most important for me is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me.
I wouldn’t feel comfortable without cake and giving my wife the chance to do the Pick Me Dance and provide more cake. I miss cake.
My hope is to find a balance between explaining who I truly am and a confessional.
The UBT is confused — isn’t a confessional confessing the truth? Of who you really are? That’s why it’s a confessional?
Per usual, I am in a lot of pain but now I finally understand where the pain comes from.
I has a sadz! My pain isn’t because I’m a total fuckwit, it’s because I don’t love myself enough. I’ll screw a few more co-workers
endanger my company with a few more sexual harassment lawsuits and see if my mood doesn’t improve.
I have a million questions but it basically boils down to, what do I do?
– Now what
Give your wife a generous divorce settlement? Quit with the operatic self-pity? Shove it up your Void? I’ll leave it to Chump Nation to tell you what to do.