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UBT: “Found Myself and Had an Affair”

findmyselfAn alert chump sent me this letter to “Meredith” an advice columnist, that ran in the Boston Globe’s Love Letters. In it, a cheater laments his pain since his affair partner moved away and how the affair was a chance for him to Find Himself. (Look in the file under “Douchebag.”) Meredith handled it pretty admirably with “Self-exploration doesn’t entitle you to betray your spouse.” But then fumbled the ball when she recommended couples counseling. (Lawyers and credit checks, Meredith!) The chump requested I put the letter through the UBT.

Without further ado:

Found Myself And Had An Affair

I have tried to write this letter many times. I usually give up because I feel it’s impossible to describe the full story. Bottom line is I had an affair and fell in love with a woman I used to work with. We are both married and she has since moved out of state (previously planned). Our affair began in the same way I have read many affairs do. We were both missing things we needed from our marriages and filled that void for each other.

Our inadequate spouses made us cheat.

We filled voids for each other — pressed against the copier, bent over in the broom closet, and spread eagle on the conference table.

Bottom line, I’m missing the way she filled my void.

Well before the affair began, I started seeing a therapist for stress, but eventually started a journey of self-discovery.

I discovered that if I want something, I should have it. Cookies, motorboats, co-workers… I like self-discovery!

A little over a year later, I have realized that I went to therapy because I wanted to learn how to love myself.

Then I learned that I am splendid. If I did Bad Things it was only because I didn’t understand self love. (Actually I understand self love just fine, I’m not so good with self-respect and empathy, but who gives a whoop?)

Throughout my entire life, I have hidden aspects of personality from others or withheld parts of the truth because I am so worried about what others will think of me. This includes my parents, friends, and wife.

This is a sad sausage way of saying “I lie to people.”

What has made this affair so difficult to end is that I was finally able to bear my soul to someone.

By soul I mean “trouser snake.”

I have never been as honest and truthful about myself as I was with her. I revealed things about my past and present that I have never been able to share with anyone.

She knows I am a cheater and a liar because she is cheating and lying along with me. We share that. It makes us special and unlike ordinary people.

When I was with her, I was able to love myself because I knew I could fully be myself.

One sentence, six references to myself. I’ve nailed this self-love thing!

We have recently decided to stop talking (again) for a variety of reasons…

We got busted and she moved away.

…but the most important for me is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me.

I wouldn’t feel comfortable without cake and giving my wife the chance to do the Pick Me Dance and provide more cake. I miss cake.

My hope is to find a balance between explaining who I truly am and a confessional.

The UBT is confused — isn’t a confessional confessing the truth? Of who you really are? That’s why it’s a confessional?

sadzTranslation: I’d like to explain my affair and still have people see me as a Splendid Person.

Per usual, I am in a lot of pain but now I finally understand where the pain comes from.

I has a sadz! My pain isn’t because I’m a total fuckwit, it’s because I don’t love myself enough. I’ll screw a few more co-workers endanger my company with a few more sexual harassment lawsuits and see if my mood doesn’t improve.

I have a million questions but it basically boils down to, what do I do?

– Now what

Give your wife a generous divorce settlement? Quit with the operatic self-pity? Shove it up your Void? I’ll leave it to Chump Nation to tell you what to do.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Oh, the obfuscation. I still have to deal with it sometimes, but I do not miss daily doses of THIS. He couldn’t be honest about who he is? Why? Because he’s a douche and people won’t like him if he admits to being a douche? Is he hinting at some deep, dark, painful secret that makes it OK to be a douche? If he is, he doesn’t say what it is or give any clues. He’d just like you to imagine that its something you’d feel pretty sorry for him about. Poor cheater.

    Great translation.

      • I am so grateful CL for your UBT articles. I have drunk each and every one of them in since I found your site existed and I can confirm that they have helped me in my verbal as well as my written communications with my Cheater FF ex. Nowadays I pretty much shut him down each and every time, by calling him on his bullshit, naming the facts only and not dredging up past crap (like he always does and used to do while i was married to him).

        My three kids today are 6, 4 and 2 years old (he took up with his girlfriend two years ago). He’s such a self-centred ass, and he’s doing all he can to absolve himself of his guilt for walking out, by being ‘nice’. He proceeded to lecture me this evening, on being ‘nice’ for the sake of our kids (because it is so much ‘easier’) – his words, in quotation marks. He then went on to tell me what a good person and mother I am.


        I replied saying that I could not care any less about what he thinks of me, and that I know who I am.

        Nice? Not really. Blunt (from someone like me) is not usually my thing, but I’m learning and growing every day. Blunt feels really good.

    • Do your wife a favor and admit to being an unworthy husband and then leave her alone. Go out and find the scintillating pussy whom will make you feel alive. However I think this is an impossible task since you can t rely on someone for inner peace and happiness, You seem to have an identity issue and are doing really dishonest things in order to “find yourself”. Also you seem at a loss because you have no more affair partner to do the horizontal mambo with, if she had not moved away you would not be considering coming clean! Yes you do need help, not just therapy but a psychiatrist.

    • Yup. Nothing more attractive than a calculating, deceptive soul. He’s even managed to deceive himself into believing that he’s a good guy! So attractive!

      • It would be so cool if people like this would come with a warning label! If his wife does in deed divorce him (and hopefully she will), he will be back on the market trolling for unsuspecting chumps! Just one more giant reminder that before you even attempt to date again, fix your picker!!

    • Here, here! Best UBT ever!

      If I could have a superpower, I think I’d like to have UBT right in the moment.

      • Roaring.. that may very well happen if you stick around CL/CN long enough. 😉
        I notice the inner UBT gears turning whenever I interact with most people these days! It’s quite awesome! Thanks, CL/CN!

  • I need a barf emoji………. This guy could be my ex husbands clone…….I love that his wife was like an after thought. Well I am really upset so I guess I can give my wife another go. Hopefully she sets all his shit on fire and walks away…..

    • His wife is barely even an afterthought! He only brings her up, because he wants to give her a chance to understand him. WTF? Lucky girl, she gets played, and then she gets to dig deep to understand Mr Now What. He’s floundering, and drifting, because his AP left town. Now What?
      I bet he’s already scoping out her replacement, because heaven forbid he pays attention to the woman he married. I was gagging on how self-absorbed his letter was, nothing but me,me,me.

  • Give me your wife’s phone number. There’s a book I want her to read with a new addition of it coming out in the Spring.

  • He can take a long walk on a short pier and leave his family a nice life insurance payout. And rid the world of another sub human, worthless oxygen converter. (Sorry, my bitterness is showing)

  • Okay, first of all, Chump Lady, you are frickin’ hilarious!!

    “My hope is to find a balance between explaining who I truly am and a confessional.”

    I want to reveal to her the depths of my important, philosophical, and special soul (and have her lap it up with a spoon), and yet leave out that sticky little bit about fucking my coworker.

  • That is too funny….because it is a very accurate outlook for many cheaters!

  • So this is what masturbating looks like on paper.

    Thanks, CL. Out of the ball park.

    • “So this is what masturbating looks like on paper”.


      OMfriggin’G! CJ, that was HYSTERICAL!

    • “So this is what masturbating looks like on paper.”

      I literally choked on my coffee – this is frigging PERFECT!!!!!

    • Out-of-park Calamity!!!
      I was thinking the very same thing… How many strokes does this guy need????

      • Great… I am at work hearing Billy Squire song ?Stroke me Stroke me? in my head…..

    • OMG–this just reminded me of something that I had completely forgotten—-

      The piece of shit XBF, when confronted with words from his personal whore’s mouth to me about what he had just been up to with her, told me that I had completely made it up…..

      He said that everything I had just told him was a result of MY ‘mental masturbation’.

      Yeah, right.

      What a dumbfuck thing to say straight from a dumbfuck’s mouth.

  • >> what do I do?

    Wank. Just wank, in the garden shed, holding your phone in one hand.

  • Hmmm….’Give his wife a chance to understand him’. Well, la di fucking da, what a champ to let the chump get that golden opportunity. Best way for her to ‘understand him’ is to find out that he’s been cheating on her so that she can move on with her life, sans him.

    • ‘Give his wife a chance to understand him’ — that burned me up. He wants to make his wife understand his newly-discovered sexual ‘awesomeness’, is all. This is for HER benefit, so that she can well and truly know what a Stud of the Stable her husband really is. And like night follows day follows night follows day, that knowledge is going to lead to the understanding that her husband must live his life forevermore with the sweet, sweet taste of cake in his mouth.

      I hope he ends up with the slightly metallic taste of kitchen-chair-leg in his mouth instead.

    • Yeah, I want her to understand him, too, understand he is lying to her about his agreements about relationship, endangering her well being, and wasting years of her life she will never get back for absolutely no useful reason whatsoever. I totally want her to understand what she has in him so she can go start living a life that she deserves instead of wasting her energy.

    • Yeah. This bit is the worst because you just KNOW that his wife will be wined, dined and sweet-talked while he’s amping himself up to drop the “I love you, but am IN LUUUVVVVV with my co-worker!!” BS sometime in the near future. That is, IF he ever gets the balls to even tell her. Chances are, this letter will allow him just enough relief that he won’t ever tell his wife, and she’ll be loving and sleeping with this twat til his next affair, where she’ll discover it via phone bill. Ugh..

  • “Bottom line, I’m missing the way she filled my void.”

    LOL, love it! I haven’t had my “void” filled in years, but I didn’t cheat.

  • Now What,

    Grow a conscience. Try to put yourself in your spouse’s shoes and imagine the soul shattering pain you have gifted her. Then DO RIGHT BY HER.

    Give your wife the facts – no yelling or blameshifting, NO RAGING – and let her make an informed choice for the rest of her life. And if that means divorcing you, RESPECT THAT and DO RIGHT BY HER.

    Ugh…you could be satan…go feel sorry for yourself out of sight.

  • “Throughout my entire life, I have hidden aspects of personality from others or withheld parts of the truth because I am so worried about what others will think of me. This includes my parents, friends, and wife.”

    Well of COURSE you hide “aspects of your personality/parts of the truth from others”! Of COURSE you do it because you’re “worried about what others will think of you”…

    …because you SUCK!

    You want to cheat and lie and have everyone still think that you’re a “great guy”. Yet, if your WIFE cheated on YOU, you would be DEVASTATED!!!


    • Of course he’s worried. Lying and cheating go hand in hand. Can’t have one without the other. Wouldn’t want to do the right thing and give the wife a chance to save herself! Wouldn’t want to risk actually being alone and figuring out his own shit! That would be….taking responsibility. Much better to fuck over his family so he can have a little more cake.

  • “One sentence, six references to myself. I’ve nailed this self-love thing!” — this applies pretty much to every communication with my ex.

    • Exactly TheOtherWhiteMansBurden: “One sentence, six references to myself. I’ve nailed this self-love thing!” — this applies pretty much to every communication with my ex.

      Last time I was forced to speak to the x, at our daughter’s wedding, he couldn’t speak of anything but himself. I got to the point that I just wanted to tell him I Don’t Fucking Care, but I told my daughter that I would be civil through the whole thing. He never once mentioned my daughter or their marriage or any type of happiness at the success of their wedding, nothing, nada…… What the f*ck is wrong with these “people”…..

  • This is so reminiscent of Gollum…
    He decided that he was “finding himself and becoming who he really is” when I questioned him about why he had become so angry, abusive, neglectful & cruel. His domineering mother also claimed this, she said I needed to support him transitioning into his adult form of himself.

    Well, I’d already put him first and had been supporting him for the first 5 years of our relationship and was the first woman in his life who actually allowed him to have an opinion, an individual thought and a voice (again, domineering mother & 2 aggressive sisters). So I guess that support finally gave him the green light to expose his true self now that he wasn’t under his mommy’s thumb anymore….a pathologically lying, maniacal, calculating sociopathic narcissist. Yes! A good wife should support that!

    But he always claimed his hasty exit from our marriage, errrr….terrible behavior and cheating (that he’s never admitted to) was just him finding himself.

    Well, if that’s who your true self is then please, leave immediately because I’m not interested. And also, if that’s who your true self is, why are you doing the same old lying and manipulating in your new relationship?

    • Oh shit TheBetterJamie! a pathologically lying, maniacal, calculating sociopathic narcissist I WAS MARRIED TO HIM TOO!!!!

      …they really are all the same!!!!!

    • If I wanted to assist someone developing into the adult version of themselves, I’d adopt a 16-year old foster kid.

  • I hate that: “missing things in our marriages” crap. Did he talk to his wife about what he thought he was missing? Is he such a delicate little flower that he wouldn’t want to risk hurting himself by discussing his needs with his wife. Like CL points out, he had 6 references to himself in one sentence. I think he would have no problem asking for what he needed every minute of everyday from every person he meets.

    It’s more fun to run off to schmoopie fairyland and fill schmoopie’s “void”. How convenient that the spouses take the fall for the lack of cheater character.

    BTW, what makes him think that he meets his wife’s needs? Same thing for ol’ schmoops.

    Cheaters are such scumbags.

    • YUP. This was my situation exactly. When you need to justify your cheating with the fact that your wife didn’t meet your needs (specifically, in my case, that he wasn’t sexually attracted to me despite my appearance remaining virtually unchanged since the day we met), it’s very convenient to never let your wife know what needs aren’t being met. And as for any needs of mine that aren’t being met? That’s even easier, because then, see, it’s like, we just aren’t right together!

      • stbxisgross, yes! I got that I was not physically or emotionally attractive! Good grief – I’m ugly on the outside and inside according to him – the guy that was fucking his whore departmental manager. I was obviously devastated until I saw what SHE looked like! Holy crap – talk about unattractive – an ugly whore that fucks married men. She’s the one thats unattractive physically and emotionally to every sane person out there.

        • Mine said I was beautiful on the outside but very ugly on the inside???he then went on how lazy I was which was the real shocker seeing I was doing everything……projection…..projection….projection..Sick motherfic..ear!

  • You were trying to find yourself? Dude, I found you this weekend at a neighbor’s backyard cookout. You were on the bottom of my shoe. See, the neighbors have three big Labrador Retrievers. I wiped you off on some long grass, but I’m pretty sure some of you might still be there if you hurry.

    • ???

      That’s awesome. I hope someone alerts him to this Chump Lady post. Whether it does anything to change him is doubtful, but I like the idea of him reading everyone dressing him down like this.

      • LIL,

        I too hope that “What Next” happens upon CL and takes some of the constructive criticism we’ve given him to heart. Namely – taking a dirt nap.

        I read some of the 2000+! comments over on the Meredith site. What strikes me is how the cheaters and RIC-drones stick out. Their apologetic spackling is so obvious.

        Thank you Chump Lady. Thank you Chump Nation. Fuck you you stupid cheaters.

        • On the contrary, i headed over to the link, read pages upon pages of the comments and have found no cheater apologists thus far.

          Oh I àm DELIGHTING in reading the comments over on Bostonians are hands down some of the funniest f@%#ers on the planet!

      • Lastinline, he wouldn’t care, unfortunately. We’re all just a bunch of bitter, nasty whiners who deserved to be cheated on because clearly, we’re so mean! He would completely dismiss this site; it’s clear how much he loves himself, isn’t the least bit remorseful, and sees himself as the victim of his awful wife and his passionate love for the COW that knows no bounds! *vomit*

      • I hope so too, Lastinline. If he does find this site, how about if all us chumps all give him the one-finger salute in unison.

  • He tried to show how truly “deep” he is. I guarantee-damn-tee his wife knows him. She is probably a very nice person who doesn’t tell him he is full of himself. Those deep thoughts and feelings he has kept to himself……..he wants to be a chef but hates cooking, he thought he was smart enough to be a physicist but those tricky tests kept him from following his dream, he wanted to have sex while hanging from a trapeze but his wife is scared of heights. Deep, meaningful conversations. Well, cheater, she, the ow, dumped your sorry ass so you are forced to fall back on plan b. Go fuck yourself you lowlife piece of shit.

  • I’m so fucking tired of cheaters and their excuses. Seriously. I think I’d have at least a morsel of respect for them if they’d just tell the damned truth instead of coming up with all these ridiculous reasons and excuses for why they won’t keep their pants up.

    From what I’ve seen and heard, there’s no shortage of people who are okay with open marriages, swinging, polyandry, etc. If the issue is REALLY that you’re not cut out for monogamy, that’s FINE. Just find a like minded partner or don’t even get involved in serious relationships instead of stringing someone along, taking advantage of how stable and upstanding a marriage makes you look. But I guess it’s no fun when you aren’t getting one over on someone.

    • Exactly! My advice to Mr. Sadz Zaucheses is to go ahead and embrace his inner evil. Stop hiding it from everyone. Stop aspiring for the “good” image. He yearns to be honest with himself? Great, setup ashleycraighookup profiles and let his freak-flag fly. Go have peel-the-paint-off-the-wall sex with other morally ambiguous assholes.

      There are plenty of women who are more than happy to listen to his post-coital ramblings about how wonderful he thinks he is. (Take my cheater wife… Please!) Go be evil. I won’t judge – much. And why should he even give a shit if I or anyone else judges the hedonistic lifestyle he desires? He wants to be honest with himself? Easy. Stop with the lying and triangulation.

    • Woe is me, finally he found someone who understands him in his coworker and they have so much in common “trouser snake.” she moved away, what a shame to waste all that self-dicovery in this continuing journey to find himself.
      Self love is finding someone who really understands and appreciates his trouser snake
      All they know is self love,

      • Makes you wonder if she moved away to avoid him, ’cause if she was that much in love with him she’d “find a way”, wouldn’t she?

        • Hee Hee- She ran away from all that constant talking about himself, what he needs, what he wants…..No room for Schmoopie in that relationship, either!

  • Per usual, I am in a lot of pain but now I finally understand where the pain comes from.
    WTF????? Screw your pain pal!
    Get in your douchecanoe and paddle away from your faithful spouse as fast as possible.
    And you don’t want a confessional? Why not? Scared your wife will see what a shitty human being you are and leave your entitled ass? Yup, coward, just like the rest.

  • One of the reasons my ex said he had a long-term affair with his coworker and left our marriage is because I wouldn’t let him be himself. LOL.

    • Lyn, is it because you expected him to be a man and a grown up as well? Gee you were a hard on the poor bugger !! Now he is just the old loser he has always been.

    • Be himself? Go ahead and be himself, nasty, cheating lying conniving, sneaky bastards and bitches. Go ahead hook up with sluts for unprotected bondage sex, just be honest, tell your spouse and then let the spouse go peacefully. How in the fuck would we ever know their inner most sick needs if they don’t reveal them. Just suck us in, use us up and spit us out when our services are no longer required. Lots of these guys are in their 50s and 60s and they want to discover themselves now and still look like great human beings. Scum is what they are, looking to score what all they can before they die. And the people who loved them and knew them longest now look at them with disgust. While the children you claimed you would die for don’t even want to be around you with your five year old temper tantrums and your disgusting ways. Shudder, shake. Just look good to strangers at first and then when the damage is done move on to the next slut. They just don’t care.

    • I wouldn’t let my wife be herself either… me with all those boundaries, not letting her have boyfriends and expecting her to tell the truth and stuff. What monsters we are, expecting fidelity and honesty from our spouses. Forcing them underground.

  • Golly Gee, they ain’t cheating…they’s just all finding themself cause of them darn voids. The gosh darned voids cans only be filled through the groins area, cause will alls knows that’s the only entry that’s a go direct to fill dem awful voids.

    It’s like being all spiritratual and intelacktualism, opening up about deep tings dat only cheating can bring y’all. This dude probably never done told his wife about the time he nearly almost cried once. Dat kind of codfishion is smething only an’s affairy partner cans understood.

    They’s ain’t cheating, they’s all just filing that gosh darn void. Dis cheating folk is only goona fills that voidatiation in’s the only’s way dthey’s can.

    Namaste Y’all

      • I think the only “void” they’re trying to “fill” is the one between the OW’s legs….

    • Omg PF that was brilliant! Lurch was SHOCKED that he actually cried once I made him break up with his affairy partner. It must be cuz it was tru wuv! Oh his affairy partner is the only one who kin understand his tinkin pattern. It’s very complicateded and only skanks have the magic spackle that will fill dat void fer evah! Lol, good thing that’s where his sorry ass is now, cuz I am all out of spackle and it feels good.

  • The determination of our “guest” contributor to CL’s well-oiled UBT resonates with the vast majority of us at Chump Nation. My ex was astute at baring his “soul” (trouser snake) and “filling voids” in all manner of venues. And he thought he should be commended for performing what he referred to as “charity sex” (his exact words when he finally fessed up) for these vulnerable women. What a devoted pubic servant!

    • When do the Nobel Peace Prize nominations commence? Your X needs a nod for all that charity work. Do I have a second?

    • BR, charity sex, ugh. Cheater said that whore asked him to help out with a few things around the house that she needed a man to do. I guess that was code for FUCK her. Yeah I needed a man at my house too – not the lying cheating bastard I had.

  • He wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving his marriage without his wife getting to know the real him????? Got news for you, Douchebag, I think that’s one amazing reveal she can live without. (Although she probably has a clue seeing how she has to duck when she’s around you to avoid your ginormous head!).

    P.S. “I Has a Sad”. *snort!*

  • I’m surprised this guy was able to tear himself away from himself long enough to cheat, or get married in the first place.

  • I am sitting here in starbucks reading when i read TROUSER SNAKE the coffee came out through my nose. What a glorious name for a cheater soul mate. BWAHAHAHA

  • I think the most telling message from his letter here is: *I’m finally able to be myself when I’m cheating on my spouse with someone who’s also cheating on their spouse.*

    Congratulations on figuring out that the “real you” is an asshole. Champagne for everyone!

  • The cognitive dissonance is strong in this douchebag. He wants the “good” label but then brags about his cheater sex. Poor sadz sausage indeed.

  • This could be my ex as well!
    He told our daughter that he spent his life doing what others expected him to do, he did not want to let us all down (his family, my family, me),
    Blah blah blah. Poor whittle baby. forced into a life he did not want.
    What a crock! although high school sweethearts, we attend colleges in different states. He had every opportunity to break up with me and “live the life he wanted.” I choose not to go down the path of “did he cheat while we were dating?”

    Not that the letter writer will ever see this, but he asked what to do:
    Tell your wife. Get a divorce. Make a generous (more than you need to) settlement.Take all responsibility.

    • My spouse, too. He was a people pleaser. He told me that he spent all his time doing what his parents wanted him to do, and what his friends wanted him to do, and what I wanted him to do. He had to leave the marriage (with two young children) so that he could do what he wanted to do. More accurately, so that he could do “who” he wanted to do without repercussions. Selfish, entitled, shitbag.

      • So did Asswipe, wanted to be free to do whatever he wanted but now hose bag has him on a very short leash and he does what she wants. How did that work out for you, huh asshole?

    • Augh! Same with me– we were long-distance for over a year when I was in grad school (and got asked out by a couple of guys who I stupidly, in hindsight, turned down since I’m not a cheater). He could have dumped me then. He moved up to be near me, and we lived separately for an entire year, during which we did almost break up– I actually gave him back the ring– and instead of accepting the ring, he wanted me back. We were married for six years before we had kids (almost two of those while we were still renting and had little to no shared financial anything), but he kept me around. He waits until we have three kids, shared everything, and a fun, messy divorce ahead. But, I’m sure that the poor muffin felt the same way– he did what I wanted and couldn’t really be himself. Well… if that was true, you had several opportunities to dump me quite easily!

      However, he continues to prove how stupid he is by marrying his Ashley Madison bimbo, buying a house with her, etc. Have fun with that divorce. I was nice when we divorced because I’m a chump. She will destroy you, and I will enjoy it. 😀

    • This shit is so aggravating.

      They weren’t free to do what they wanted? WHAT? They were obviously able to do whatever the fuck they wanted in secret! Why do none of these damn soul-finding douchebags come out with accomplishments instead of betrayal? Huh?

      Like, “Hey! I know I said I was working late but really, I’ve been going to night classes for my Masters, I’m done! You always said I never could and I DID do it!”

      Noooo… they always “find themselves” balls deep in some insecure twat. Effing hymen hunters.

      • ” Why do none of these damn soul-finding douchebags come out with accomplishments instead of betrayal? ”


      • They don’t have hobbies or meaningful friends. My h’s friends when he did have them were alcoholics and cheaters. Those friendships broke apart when their wives said stay the f*ck away from my h. H then turns to whores. These people are so one dimensional!

  • OMG, I has a sadz just reading about the adversity in this poor sausage’s life. Totally understandable, my XW found herself the same way — in someone else’s genitals. Secretly fooling around outside of your relationship is part of the self discovery journey in which you learn to love yourself! Cake; sparkles…. I mean enlightenment!!!


  • Appalling, yes, but I find Now What’s letter an intriguing glimpse into the cheater mind. The rationalization, the subtle blameshifting, the shallowness, the my-pecker-is-king mentality, the middle-school “somebody finally understands me because they are as deceptive and awful as me!” mindset. Fascinating. These idiots BELIEVE this crap, thereby entitling them to win a game with a stacked deck. smh

    • Ugh, yes. My h could have written this, too, and I often feel like I’m caught in a rigged game, with all the emotional (im)maturity of middle school.

    • What bugs me about this guy’s post is the typical “needs were not being met in either of our marriages.”

      The typical excuse.

      I can guarantee you some of my needs were not being met in my marriage, but I didn’t go looking to fill them with other people. I tried talking to my husband, going to counseling, looking into my own behaviors, trying over and over to be there for him, to connect with him, etc.

      • Meanwhile, in this episode of Eat, Pray, Disordered!
        That’s pretty much how you can sum this entire bullshit rationale up.

  • Me…me…me…me….always about them, what they NEED and justification for doing so by ANY means necessary regardless of how it affects anyone or everyone else (including and mainly their children).

    I’ve often wondered IF the reason he chose (repeatedly evidently) married AP’s because of the shared LACK of conscience and remorse. Since they are equally selfish and shallow disloyal cheating liars they feel a connection and aren’t all “judgy” nor seek any accountability from each other. One cheating ass liar can’t hold another cheating ass liar accountable for being a cheating ass liar right?

    X-holes cheater was married with three young boys, her hubby said he should have known because evidently she was engaged to someone else when they met. X-hole had a live-in girlfriend when I met him, I would NOT date him while she was still living with him and he discarded her abruptly and instantaneously. I have to admit that it puzzled me that it didn’t seem to bother him much but I didn’t dig too deep.

    They really do just continue the cycle over and over and over. My X and his cheater deserve each other and I told him so. Assholes belong together. Bye Felicia…

    • “I’ve often wondered IF the reason he chose (repeatedly evidently) married AP’s because of the shared LACK of conscience and remorse. Since they are equally selfish and shallow disloyal cheating liars they feel a connection and aren’t all “judgy” nor seek any accountability from each other. One cheating ass liar can’t hold another cheating ass liar accountable for being a cheating ass liar right?”

      I think that’s very true. My ex and the Owife are both crappy parents. They both blew up their families, hurt their young children, and felt that the kids and all family members should just joyfully go along with their marriage (based in twue wuv, of course) and blended family. I mentioned above that I will enjoy their divorce some day, but maybe it won’t happen– they’re both so shitty, they probably justify each other’s shitty behavior instead of expecting accountability and maturity from each other.

      • I think married AP choose each other because they think there is less chance of exposure, jealousy, etc. I think single affair partners have just as shitty character as married ones. Possibly shittier cause they are choosing adultery when they could be in a real relationship.

        • Anita – agreed, and it makes it easier for them to tell themselves that it’s just them against the world/two people in unhappy marriages who found each other/yadda yadda. I think, at least for my stbx, it could make him avoid the shame that much more to know that OW was married too.

      • MovingOn- I think a lot of what you said was true but I don’t think for two seconds that two APs that marry ever really trust each other. How can they?

        The ex accused me of cheating on him several times throughout my 27 year sentence, err marriage. He would check my purse, my phone, show up at places he knew I’d be “to catch me” cheating. He never did because I wasn’t but I always thought it was because he was so insecure.

        I learned in counseling (for $150.00 and hour) and here (for free) that it was about projecting, not insecurity. He cheated so he just figured everyone else did. Can you say Eureka moment!?

        Anyway my point is that if he didn’t trust me, when I never gave him a reason not to, then good luck with him OWife! I was so pleased to learn that they reunited and eventually married! The absolute best gift you can give to a cheater is another cheater. If I could’ve put a bow on her and had her delivered I would have!

        They may stay together for the rest of their miserable lives but that’s exactly what their lives will be: Miserable!

        • SAME thing happened in my marriage, CS! I was 100% sure my husband would never cheat on me. He accused me of all kinds of sneaky things, and if I ever mentioned another man’s name…..BAM! Explosion of jealousy! I thought it was because he adored me so, DUUUH.
          He was a serial cheater, and one of the most accomplished liars I’ve ever met. I guess that was his life’s goal, to be the best liar! He won that prize!

          • Oh yeah. Heaven forbid another man’s name should come into the conversation!

            He treated me like a possession for the entirety of our time together. One of those nifty wife appliances I suppose. When I outlived my usefulness I was discarded. He didn’t leave at first because I was still providing kibbles and cake and the awesome pick me dance. Plus he was holding on to his retirement funds.

            It’s amazing the clarity you get when you get out of hell and start looking at it from the outside! Thank god I finally got my head out of my ass and my ass away from that total loser!!

  • My cheater ex described it to me as being in a dark place. Of course I thought at the time he must be experiencing some depression so I did what I could to encourage him and be kind. But later, I found out this dark place was code for a strange vagina he was planning to leave me for and these days it seems he has in fact found himself. Woe is me for having been inadequate.

  • My stbx could have written this. Nauseating! Mine told me he was a “people pleaser” so that made him a sad sausage. He was trying to please so many people! So many identities to keep track of…

  • The only vagina in which you’ll ever find yourself is your mother’s the day you were born.

    Not your co-worker. Not the woman at the end of the bar. Not that tall chick in the go-go boots on the corner (that one may not even have a vagina).

    Did someone leave a copy of Penthouse in the self-help section of the library, leading you to think strange pussy was at the end of the road to enlightenment?

    I hope this woman recognizes this pathetic excuse for a human being from his bloated self-serving prose, and dumps his cheating ass. Let him “find himself” at the bottom of a bag of Bachelor Chow.

  • This story triggered me today.

    My ex told me that he wanted to get a divorce so that he could be single. The moron that wrote about filling his void and hiding his true self is probably not much different from my ex.

    EX sent this email to me when I asked him to provide more information as to why he wanted to divorce. He denied he was having an affair, but had admitted to looking at women – especially a co-worker – that had one of her friends stalk us in a restaurant and had been sending flirtatious texts and going to lunch with him (read bunny boiler).

    “I know that I hurt you more than can ever by repaired but I do care about you and your future. I have never been good at sharing feelings and emotions which I have no doubt was a major cause of crippling our marriage. I tried to be a good husband and when I realized that I was not being the person you married, I knew there had to be a change. I thought I could solve all problems by keeping everything inside but obviously I failed. You need someone that is going to care for you and treat you well and I don’t feel I can be that person.

    I want nothing more than an amicable divorce. I will be very fair but I cannot let you “crush me” financially. I am only willing to give up the dog because I know you love him and will take great care of him. Also, he is a great protector and a great companion for you. We can meet Thursday to discuss after work”.

    The blame shifting and gas lighting came after discovery of the whore. I was controlling and angry. Physically and emotionally unattractive. He wouldn’t tell me where he lived etc… Well, his being single didn’t last. He married the whore within 1 1/2 years of our quickee divorce. Doubt his sharing of emotions and feelings improved with her. Sorry for the rant.

    • omg Cindy, seriously your ex and my stbx are the same! That letter sounds exactly like the stuff he said to me, and even down to the not telling you where he lived. This is a recent development—stbx is for some reason being really secretive about his new address. I suspect that he and OW may be indulging in deluded paranoid fantasies that her husband and I would show up on the doorstep doing the PMD. In which case I’d really like to ask him if that’s his fear so I can tell him not to flatter himself. (But I won’t engage.)

    • Cindy,

      No apology necessary. You are not ranting, you are working toward Meh.

      The idea that these infidels work from the same “script” is constantly being affirmed for me.

      “I want nothing more than an amicable divorce” UBT = please don’t tell anyone what a cheating asshole I am.

      “I cannot let you ‘crush me’ financially” UBT = I’m accidentally telling you the truth. It’s all about the money.

      “…willing to give up the dog…” UBT= I can’t stand this fucking mutt, and I want to foist him off on you.


      The above quotes could have come directly from the mind of my STBX. The only difference? My ex is a woman (well, female human in the guise of a five-year-old princess.)

      Cheaters are self-centered violent perpetrators.

      I’m sorry he hurt you. Trust he sucks. Chump Nation to the rescue.

      • I’ve said it many times, adultery should be a criminal offense with criminal consequences especially how the courts treat lots of chumps. If I did what he did by lying, cheating, stealing or breaking a contract I would have been fired or put in jail but no in the cheater world they are right and good and chumps are wrong and crazy. Cheaters should have to give up most everything if they cheat and bring about divorce. But no society accepts a lot of this bullshit as the chumps fault as in why didn’t I try harder for him not to do this. Well whore juice has money and is dancing her whore ass off and he cheats on her so what did I do wring to cause Asswipe to cheat, not a damn thing that’s on him. Fucking whores problem now, not mine. His wonderful self will show through soon and that will be over too, off course they are both fucked in the head so there you go…. Thank god for chumplady and chump nation we have a voice and it needs to be heard by everyone!!!

        • I am 100% in agreement that adultery should be a criminal offense.

          I also think we should bring back “scarlet letters” in some form and I think those who commit adultery should have to get a psychological examination before they are allowed ANY child custody or visitation.

          WAY too many of these cheaters are, as you said “fucked in the head.”As a society we do NOT need them raising or influencing children…nor running governments, I might add!

          Yeah. I realize I live in a dream world. 🙁

          But as a member of chump nation, I’m all in when it comes to making our voices heard.
          I’d like to see us start a “temperance-like” movement against adultery!

          I just haven’t come up with any ideas for how to do it! Although perhaps getting as much press as possible for CL’s new book, might be a start!

          I think way too many people buy into the “soulmate” “swept away” “isn’t it romantic” or “my marriage wasn’t filling my needs” crap–when all of us know that’s a facade.

          Adultery is a symptom of a entire library of mental disorders. (I didn’t know that until I became a chump.)

          I’d like THAT to be the story out there. These people are screwed up and they are messing up our society. There needs to be a heck of a lot more shaming–public shaming, especially–involved in all of this.

          Just call me the “Carrie Nation” of Adultery! 😉

          • It needs to be more public and told as it is. Unacceptable behavior!!! Its sickening that so many accept this as the norm and don’t call people out on being this way. This kind of behavior and its acceptance just makes our society sicker. You want to be a player don’t fucking get married or committed and then bring kids into your fucked up mess. Or at the very least be honest and tell your spouse it ain’t working and end the relationship in a much better way. Fucking assholes.

            • This right here is my issue, kar marie, all the fakery to have a ‘marriage’, and an AP. I’m sure I’m not the only Chump who told my spouse – if you ever lose your feelings for me, or don’t want me, or want someone else, just say so! I also told him- I don’t want a guy that doesn’t want me! And still, he had affairs for decades, and hid it like a pro, until the last one (he got lazy, and just cheated openly).
              I know now, my instincts were trying to tell me something, but I wasn’t listening!
              To kind of explain
              , he gave me just enough love to keep me hanging on. I would never accept that today, but I didn’t know much about relationships when I was young.

              • Whoa, FreeWoman!!!!

                EXACTLY what I told him too!!! Of course, rather than be a real man and stand up and admit to his feelings, he played me, used me for years, despite what my instincts were telling me.

                Live and Learn.

    • I’m sorry, Cindy. The pain, when it comes back, sucks. Just realize that once caught (or once OM/OW issues an ultimatum), cheaters come up with every rationale in the book to blame us and let themselves off the hook. They’d have done it no matter who their spouse was, and they target our weaknesses because they are nothing more than bullies seeking power.

  • CL, loved LOVED the UBT and the cartoon, lol!

    Gagh…sounds like a disordered cluster B type personality with the “therapy because of stress”, and the “per usual, I am in a lot of pain but now I finally understand where the pain comes from”…and ‘I have so many questions’…

    My hope is that his wife does go to counseling with him — so that she can get the help she needs.

  • Dear what do I do…

    Congratulations. You realized that when you behave badly, you are treated badly and when you are a good person you get treated nice, and you have hidden (controlled) the parts of you that yearn to behave poorly, and behaved well.

    Admonishments that you have mistaken common sense and having character with ‘hiding your true self’.

    Congratulations. You have embraced that your id, your desire for just selfish, self serving things, is what you value and hold dear. Your ego and super ego are not invited to your table and you’re going to gorge on whatever you want, because that’s who you really are.

    Admonishments that your ego and superego are still along for the ride and are very aware of this thing called consequences, for which your id has no mind. They will warn and maintain a facade of character for the smidgen that exists in you, and for the hope that you won’t be deserted (since the id only consumes it doesn’t take care of anything) and also to protect you from ruin which would leave them picking up the peices while your id continues to burn this mother fucker down.

    Congratulations that you found this enlightenment inside of a forbidden tunnel of nature. Who knew that such illustrious actualization hid just below the flaps of privacy on someone with no scruples and self control. You’re one lucky pirate happening upon that rare treasure. It’s not often you can jump into a dung pile and emerge with a pearl.

    Admonishments for sharing that potentially disease ridden ratchet garbage with the person you hid yourself from (obviously because you had to…) and yet also promised to care for and protect.

    Congratulations on allowing your id to write in and brag about your new found ability to tell people about you. Now you can tell your wife! You were the stud who bagged two ladies while also having all this baggage (undisclosed but obviously soooo terrible it doesn’t even bear explanation and has never been discussed even in therapy where you maybe went to learn to love yourself…)

    Admonishments, for if you had truly learned to just ‘love’ yourself you would have grabbed the KY and wouldn’t have gone looking for some work cohort to fall into.

    ugh. It goes on. But that’s what I would tell him.

  • Boo fucking hoo. Little creepy man misses his no commitment blow jobs in the parking lot. Oh, I meant his true love soul (less) mate.

    • IanD, I love this song along with all of the Eagles songs. This was one of my younger brother’s favourites and he was the biggest cheater of all because from birth our mother called him ‘Mr.Wonderful’. You see I am the 2nd of 4 children, my sister being the eldest, then me, then ‘Mr.Wonderful’ and our younger brother who will be 60 soon. But ‘Mr.Wonderful’ always dedicated this song to the women in his life. There was never a reason for this because the girls just seemed to love him regardless. He now lives in Bali at the grand old age of 62 with some young Asian girl just like my ex husband who is 63 years old lives with his tart is 23 years old in Cambodia. By the way, my brother and my ex were best mates once and that is how I met the ex. Oh to go back 46 years and to start over again. Too late now!! I still love the song though.

      • Wow, Maree! Your story is un-fucking-believable! How do you feel about your brother? Did your parents ever catch on to these guys?

        • Roaring, I have no time for mr brother ‘Mr.Wonderful’. He is a user who only goes after females with money. He is a user and he uses everyone for their money, even his own children. I don’t know what the women see in him but obviously there must be some very lonely and gullible females around. My sister and I call him out on everything and he doesn’t like it one little bit. As I have said, he could do no wrong in Mum’s eyes and he was ruined. It is a long story but I do understand how these creeps are made so to speak as I was married to one who was raised exactly like my brother.

          • He goes after people with money….then shacks up with a 3rd world slut. Even his morality is completely fucked – LOL.

            • Lania, why do you think that he was best mates with my ex? They are both losers and they only live in 3rd world countries for the cheap cost of living and how many girls they can get although my ex has found his twu wuv most definitely !! They both have a minimum of AUD$1,000,000 so you can imagine they live like kings and the little girls flock around them. As I have said, I have absolutely no time for that brother. The other brother is a roughy but he is loyal to his wife of 35 years and his family.

              • Yeah, I figured that. We can also extrapolate from that – that no decent woman would have either of them – because they think they need to ‘buy’ love from people.
                In regards to your other brother, theres nothing wrong with being roughy – they don’t tolerate shit and when it flies at them, they will punch it apart. 😀
                Hope ya had a great birthday!

  • I guarantee while this guy was off “finding himself”….his wife (who is never mentioned or considered in his woe is me post, other than in one instance as relates solely to HIM) was doing the grown up things of raising the kids, scrubbing floors, buying groceries, making costumes, finishing homework, getting bills paid, cooking chicken ….you know all that pesky GROWN UP STUFF…..while poor lil sausage just wonders the rainy streets trying to ponder life’s complexities and figure out Why Am I Here and What Does it All Mean and How Can I Get Some NEW Vajina. The stuff this POS wants to avoid on his Discovery of Me…aka Ways I Can Avoid Responsibilities and Consequences Yet Still Maintain My Family Image and Home.

    Oh and this. This is rich: “My hope is to find a balance between explaining who I truly am and a confessional.”

    IE My hope is to somehow explain my newly found “true self” to my wife without having to face any actual consequences for betraying her…..

    Hmmm such a kernundrum sad lil sausage. Clearly you need to just keep lying. Clearly you are not MAN ENOUGH to face any GWOWN UP CONSEQWENCES

    Either that or this guy has some serious fetish/habit/peculiarity that only Schmoopie (in her desperate pathetic state) would spackle and tolerate….and to bring this fetish to Wife’s table would raise a few eyebrows from her, or perhaps have her calling the authorities.

    POS cheater, epitome of self-centered entitlement.

  • “…but the most important for me is that I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving my marriage without giving my wife a chance to understand the real me.”

    This line alone is all you need to know about this asshole. Simply mind boggling.

    • Yes, how generous of him. Because his actions are all about giving other people chances. Except the chance to know the truth. Or the chance to protect oneself from STDs. Or the chance to have an authentic marriage. Or, or, or, . . . .

      But who wouldn’t be devastated to miss out on the opportunity to know this fuck-chop’s “real me?”

      Dude, you told us enough to know “the real you.” And he’s a douche-nozzle.

      • Exactly.

        If only I’d have had the chance the chance to really *SEE* my STBXW… to bask in the glory of her financial infidelities… the glow of her bizarre daddy issues… the wonderfulness of her gold-digging cheating…

        Err… on second thought…

    • Let’s keep it simple okay? Just tell your wife about your adultery FIRST and skip the “understanding who you are” part. Your wife will clearly understand who you really are without any further ado. Easy peasy…no need to say another word. Life’s simple pleasures.

      • Sweetz, tremendous response.

        It helps me realize that treating us like shit is part of the thrill.

        I think I’ve been trying to believe that STBX didn’t want to hurt me – but I now think it was part of the plan.

        Fuck him and fuck this guy.

        • Ah, the gambles they’ll have to take…will she curl up into a ball on the kitchen floor and do the pick me dance whilst I skip gleefully through the Settlement Agreement…OR will she become my biggest nightmare and rip my portfolio into shreds while outing me to all our family and friends?

          Best bet for THEM is found in their preemptive acting skills…. to be a sad sausage and appear remorseful whilst they get THEIR ducks (and you) in a row before the shit hits the fan and you wise up. Keeps you sucking on the hopium pipe long enough for them to hide assets and arrange their exit on their terms.

          Life’s simple choices.

    • Yeah, his partner needs an “extra chance” to experience cheater awesomeness.

  • Strange…all the times in my life when I “found myself,” I managed to do so without cheating on my partner at the time (if I had one.). In fact, in every case, my significant other helped me explore my issues, myself and my new awareness. Isn’t that one of the benefits of being in a relationship in the first place?

    • Well said jc. What i cant get over is their INCREDIBLE shallowness. His epic journey of self discovery is simply a series of cheap booty calls. What does fucking some whore behind his wifes back have to do with finding his authentic self?..or whatever grandiose label he puts on his depravity.

    • That’s something I struggle with. For the last year of our relationship I was going through some tumultuous finding myself and working out FOO issues. I was scared and broke down in tears often. I thought my ex was supportive, but at the end she kind of threw it all back in my face. I’m pretty sure she lost all respect for me (if she ever had any, natch). I guess I took too long in the search.

      I’m really concerned that I’ll never want to be so raw and vulnerable with someone again. Not that I’ve had any luck at all in even going on a date, but I’m trying to remain optimistic.

      • I’ve had trust issues my whole life and the only person I trusted ever in a relationship screwed me the worst I’m pretty sure I will never again trust another guy totally. I will prefer to date maybe in the far away future if I ever do decide to date again not feeling it now I have to heal and make myself happy first with a no strings policy. I will live the rest of my days single. I’m sure there are lots of nice guys out there who are great people and won’t cheat but I won’t trust them I’m to old for this shit to happen again.

        • Me, too, Kar Marie. Due to my family situation, and first marriage, the last thing I needed was to get fucked over by Mr. Nice Guy. I damn sure would have had nothing to do with him if he’d presented himself as the lying, cheating, whoremonger he really is. But who would? Oh, I forgot, the affair partners do. Dumb bitches !

  • Hey you still trying to find yourself? Here’s a hint: Try Calling 1-800-GO-TO-HELL

  • Find himself….hmmmm….isn’t that what we do from 16 to 24? If u find yourself trying to find yourself ,ya might wanna ask…how the fuck did I get here? That’s insight mother fucker.

  • My ex-douchecanoe told me after that we split that he did this because I wouldn’t let him go to therapy so he sought comfort with her. This is such a load of crap because I’d been in therapy for years myself and when he told me he wanted to go I said that he should take his time and shop around for one that fits him well and one way to do that is to think about what his ultimate therapy goals were. He got mad and accused me of not being supportive of him and controlling him. I was so confused, why did he lose it on me, I wasn’t critical of him attending therapy at all, but offering a suggestion to get the most out of it? In hindsight it made perfect sense. He wanted to cheat, he was probably already having an emotional affair and he didn’t want to tell me that so he just accused me of not supporting his therapy. I do often wonder how things might have turned out if he had gone to therapy. Probably like this fool who wrote in for advice.

    • Oh this. This off balance, accusatory bullshit web of fucked up that seems to spring up especially when you’re being actually supportive. This here’s the gaslighting I hate. HATE. You’re just giving advice since he hasn’t done the therapist juggle. Jesus. Good riddance.

      • That happened with me a lot. I was too controlling, I stepped back. Then I wasn’t supportive. I didn’t contribute enough financially (sahm), so started back to work. That made me selfish. My income was peanuts, for sure, but I spent it all on Christmas one year and I was so proud. Then I was ridiculed. There was no winning. Just as there was absolutely nothing I could have done to stop him from cheating. He changed our whole story and history in order to make his affair the only possible option for himself. He twisted it all so cheating became the noble response to his problems. Of course a married serial cheating co worker who allows her face to be used for masturbating isnt a noble choice. Or a discreet one. Or a good employee. I told my son, who’s leaving home soon, don’t stick your dick in crazy, which may qualify me for parental demerits, but whatever. Since his father was never taught that (my in laws are seriously fucked up) I thought I should tell him. The cheater now says he was self loathing and lacking self respect, and so was the ow. He said any woman with half a brain would have told him to deal with his shit, but this one just told him he was awesome. All shiny. Like 2 broken halves trying to make a whole in their horrific employed, healthy, insured, white North American hellish lives. They deserved more! Upper middle class is a slog! Multiple homes is not enough! Cocktail parties with other successful white guys to make more money is really really hard! And obviously being married to me was the worst part.

    • When a cheater wants to pick a fight with you, they’ll make up some nonsense to justify why you’re a jerk and why it’s okay to treat you like crap. They hate it when you’re nice, or supportive, because then it makes them feel bad for being such dirtbags… if you fight with them, then they can say they’re cheating because you’re ‘too controlling’ or ‘fill in blank from stupid things cheaters say section’. He was already planning on how to twist whatever you said into you not being supportive, so he could use it later as one of his ‘reasons’. They compile a list that they’ll run off for you as soon as they get busted.

    • I repeated something my therapist said to me regarding couples counseling: 50% of the time it’s a waste of time because one person has already decided to move on and they’re faking through the sessions or using them for justification.

      6 months later when my ex left me and I begged for her to go to couples counseling instead, she said “you said it was a waste of time”. Yeah, I never said that. And when I corrected her, she said, “well, I wish I had known that”. See, it was my fault!

  • “We were both missing things we needed from our marriages” so we thought cheating would improve things. Let’s try this logic elsewhere: We were missing a working refrigerator in our kitchen so we went out and bought a TV.

    • LOL.

      But I think you meant to write, “We were missing a refrigerator that truly knew our deepest selves and accepted our frozen foods without criticism or disapproval so we went out and bought (or stole) a TV that provided us with unconditional porn.”


      I almost spit tea all over the place!!!! LMAO!!!! I cannot stop laughing my ass off!!!!! THANK YOU!!!!! I love it!!!!!

    • It’s like “I was bored with our old fridge, so I lied – and told you it was broken, and that you broke it.. but really I had a secret fridge I bought and hid years ago, so I could still get cold drinks and food that wasn’t bad, while I watched you and the kids starve.. “

  • “What has made this affair so difficult to end is that I was finally able to bear my soul to someone. I have never been as honest and truthful about myself as I was with her. I revealed things about my past and present that I have never been able to share with anyone. When I was with her, I was able to love myself because I knew I could fully be myself. ”

    This is exactly the sort of drivel H1.0 would have spewed if he had ever written a letter. Im sure he thought that Susan of Seattle was the one he could “be himself” with – oh wait…he was RIGHT!!! They WERE themselves since they were both selfish assholes.

    • and I will add…I am now married to a wonderful man…many good traits, helpful, trustworthy, attractive and generous lover—-but no one ever fulfills EVERY need for another person – nor do I think we were ever intended to.

      If you and a partner fill in a lot of each others gaps (I have no sense of time, he has no sense of direction…it requires both of us to get us where we need to be on time) then you are doing well.

      I would be a weasel if I ever knit-picked his small failings, bundled them together then decided I needed a new lover to fill the voids. What part of “he buys too much canned meat and washes his clothes too frequently” would justify me coping by having sex with another man?

    • Absolutely! These fucktard fuckers tell their “secrets” cause they know they don’t have to look at that person day in and day out. They get that magical combo of unpaid therapist/free whore. It’s a win/win. Guess what, dumb shits, they spill your secrets like a canary, lol. No oath of privacy there.

    • That bit got me too. “I have never been as honest and truthful about myself as I was with her. I revealed things about my past and present that I have never been able to share with anyone.”

      Ok look. If you have a past that’s chock-a-block with shameful shit you’ve done, shit that’s so shameful and embarrassing and heinous that you dared never mention it in polite company for fear of making everyone who heard about it vomit and run from you like you’ve got the plague, how does that somehow equate to your wife not fulfilling your needs?

      • The whores will listen to anything as long as they get that coveted attention in return. They are bottomless pits of bullshit, no one normal would listen to that mess.

  • I have never read such a piece of self-serving drivel. Of course this guy does not realize the issue in the marriage is his huge ego!

    He needs to confess his misdeeds to his wife, quietly leave and give her a comfortable settlement. He needs to not fight for custody if there is children in the marriage.

    However, given what I read, he will probably lie, lie, lie, deny, deny, deny. Declare the wife crazy for confronting him and drag the divorce out and make his ex wife and children’s life a living hell.

    Man up. Treat your soon to be ex decent and make it as painless as possible. Do right by your kids. Apologize profusely. (probably not going to happen)

  • You know, this douchebag could simply have told his wife that he wanted a divorce after meeting his “soul mate” and before banging his “soul mate.”

    Woe-is-me problem solved.

    But, hey, that’s just too darned simple, right?

    I hate, hate, HATE how these people so predictably assume so much (that their specialness is actually special, that the faithful spouse doesn’t want out of the marriage, that they could never open up to anyone else besides schmoopie despite never actually having tried to open up to anyone, etc., etc., etc.). Consummate A-holes.

    • sephage – I dunno. I kind of agree with this, because the actual physical affair can never, ever be reversed, obviously, but it doesn’t change the fact, for these types (types like my stbx), that they never said anything. The sex is added insult.

      • stbxisgross – Indeed. My point was only that, if it in fact was really a meeting of soul mates (hardly likely in this case), that the responsible thing to do would have been to admit as much to his spouse. Of course, the odds of that being a real meeting of soul mates is something like 9 billion to 0.0001…

        • Gotcha. And agreed. Especially since, after a decade with me, my stbx knew OW for a couple months and—wait for it—had spent just a few days with her in person, as they didn’t even live in the same place, when he decided true love and happiness were with her. I’ve had to look at our wedding pictures (from a mere three years ago) and look at his beaming face to remind myself that I’m not crazy and wasn’t just missing his misery all this time.

          Or maybe they are soul mates, in the sense that two married cheaters deserve each other.

          • I’m surprised that dating sites are so popular. I mean, all the soulmates were in the house next door, the cubicle at work, your spouse’s friend… Soulmates are not difficult to find at all. They are just all over the damn place. Especially if you are already married.

            • HA!!! I tripped over a soul mate today when cleaning my basement. Totally stubbed my toe, and it HURT! Gonna have to remember that when I meet my *next* soul mate, so that I can hold it against soul mate #1 and blame cheating with soul mate #2 on my stubbed toe… 😉

              • sephage, I guess I better get down to my basement and I see what I’m missing. My workplace is sorely lacking in cubicle soulmates. I have been there over twenty years, and nothing. I’ve been robbed.

      • I go around in circles on this. My ex left me suddenly, didn’t have my step-son tell me goodbye, and took a third of the money in the bank account that she only access to so that she and my stepson could have the good health insurance provided with a domestic partnership. She denied leaving for anyone else and I didn’t have the heart to go digging. The situation isn’t exactly rosy with having someone I loved and thought loved me pull a 180 and claim that our reality for the last 8 months (at least) was nowhere near what I thought it was. Sex with someone else would have been insult to injury, icing on the cake.

        We had a commitment to one another and she suddenly thew it away without a backward glance. Cheating certainly makes things worse, but I don’t see that there’s any honorable way to not share your concerns and then suddenly leave, blaming the other person for the whole thing.

        I realize I’m trying to compete in the pain olympics. Stupid brain.

        • WhichWay – my stbx also denied there being anyone else at first—and I asked him directly when he announced he was leaving me. It wasn’t until I called him on the fact that the “reasons” he was giving made no sense that he admitted it. My dad had said immediately that there had to be another person involved for him to drop it on me so suddenly, and I defended him and said there wasn’t since I’d asked him directly. Ever the cynic, he was exactly right!

          • Yeah, my parents had warned me a few times that I shouldn’t be so giving with money I had before I was with her and that I shouldn’t let her son disrespect me. In the interest of being generous, loving, and naive, I argued against them. Oops.

            Even my mom asked her if there was someone else. She both denied it and said that she couldn’t talk to my mom because my mom was trying to guilt trip her. My therapist is of the opinion that there was someone else, as your father did, because of the sudden abandonment and lack of looking back.

            • “My therapist is of the opinion that there was someone else, as your father did, because of the sudden abandonment and lack of looking back.”

              Yeah, I’d have to agree. I’m actually not convinced that my stbx was totally, consciously lying about it—I think it truly convinced himself that his AP had nothing to do with it, because he actually said, “I mean, it’s not like I’m leaving you FOR someone else because the other stuff [his “realizing” after 10 years that he’s not physically attracted to me] still applies.” The self-denial and motive of preserving their self-image is really strong for some people, I think. He didn’t want to see himself as a cheater.

  • So the affair fills the void of what was missing in your marriages? Luckily it helped you find yourself. You said you kept this part of yourself hidden from your family including your parents. I believe you are finally being honest.

    What you already knew was that you were indeed hiding behind all that decency and normalcy your family provided. Let’s call that your cover. I’ve read that many narcissists pretend to be undercover agents who lead a double life. There is a great deal of excitement when you are able to reveal your true self to someone who completely understands your darkness. That would be the OW who doesn’t share intamacy, rather the joy of living with out the mask. As an empathetic person I understand the VOID completely. You are empty of caring about anyone’s needs but your own. You growth is like a cancerous tumor. You want to share you toxic lack of character with those who love you. All that fucking pretending has become a burden. With the mentality of an 11 year old you want to shed your past and live as your true self. It really sucks. File for a divorce and live as you are, an asshole.

    • Donna, you hit the nail on the head! My xh was a fraud his whole life I believe, while pretending to be normal and acting as normal, he was always hiding his real self. I, his friends, and all his family believed only in what we were shown never knowing the real him but thinking we did. I on the other hand despite my good and faulty aspects of character always lived “authentically”, I didn’t fake my way around friends and family, they knew me well and I might even have a few secrets from them, but have always been honest and upfront in my relationships. I’ve even been criticized by some as too honest, and yet praised by others for being too honest. lol But you are correct in that life should be lived being who you are and not just portraying a lie. This may be why it’s such a shock when we get the BD, because we have been open hearted in our relationship but they have been hiding the whole time.

      • SpiritWoman, you’ve described my STBX. I think I’ve always known he lives behind a “persona” but I just thought we lived with that fact TOGETHER.

        I didn’t realize until D-day that his persona was fooling me, too.

        I suspect he doesn’t realize he hurts others (just by being himself) because he’s ALWAYS lived a double life. He’s always been a dirty old man. He’s a true creep.


  • What to do asshole? Leave your wife, give her a generous settlement and go marry the OW. That way, two assholes can be together while giving your wife and the OW’s husband a chance to have lives free of abuse.

  • Ugh. Does this make anyone else just incredibly sad? Reading these blubbering, woe is me, ‘give me more cake’ letters just make me furious that there are fuckwits in this world with such a selfish, disordered and disturbing mindsets. It painfully gives me a direct window into my now ex husband’s excuses and absolute dispicable attitude/behaviors. It’s appalling what these people do willing to their families, spouses, children. It just makes me so so sad… Obviously I’m not at “Meh”.

  • Before i gound this site i would watch discovery tv and see where someone would have an affair and then kill their spouse. I would wonder HOW could they be so cruel and callous…well, here ya go. When someone has this mindset…that its all about ME and MY satisfaction…Nobody else matters, only ME. I will get My satisfaction no matter the cost…well there it is. It makes sense now. Awful isnt it?

  • I like that part of the letter where this asswipe says that the ow moved, but it was planned. Working on that huge ego still, huh. ow didn’t want to leave, it was planned. Probably by the poor chumped husband in a futile attempt to get his pos wife out of the affair. Or maybe as some others have suggested, she just wanted to get away from the “sadz” too and he’s just too full of himself to see it.

    This is exactly what these cheaters think, that it’s all about them and the whole world revolves around them and their precious “feelings”. What about his wife and children, oh yeah they get an honorable mention and yay for the wife, she will get a second chance with a big time loser, wins for everyone involved. Barf emoji!!!

    Oh please, let there be karma for these kinds of fuckwits!!!!!!!

    • I know, I love that after revealing that his true self is actually a huge douchebag, he still seems to think that it’s an awesome prize for his wife and he’s doing her a favor by giving her a chance to see it. Well, he would actually be doing her a favor, but not the way he intends it.

  • Sounds like my STBXH – who retired early and sat on the computer sending the OW money via PayPal while I worked. To create more of a monetary problem, while I was out of state for the birth of my nephew, he came up with a phony need to fly to China to see his daughter (who worked for the State Dept.). The real reason for the trip was so he could stop in the UK on the way and see the OW. When his daughter revealed on FB that he was not yet in China, I called him on it. He said he did love me and would go to counseling with me, as long as we talked about HIS gripes, “not just an interrogation of him.”

  • This asshole will eventually “find himself”, I assure you! I got all the same BS from my Ex about “being in a dark place”, “doing what was expected of him”, blah fucking blah, blah, blah, blah! So I gave him the divorce he wanted so he could “be himself” with the wonderful sparkly Schmoopie! Guess how that panned out? Once they were “free?” To be together it turned out to NOT be the magical fantasy they thought it would be! He left to return to me and she was actually relieved according to him! Seems the so-called new man he was supposed to have become due to her magical vagina turned out to be a fake persona he could not live up to 24/7! And I guess her sweet, understanding persona changed back to a demanding, pushy, selfish bitch over night! He couldn’t find any place to hide from her! I say this guest poster should tell his wife the truth about his new enlightenment and let her give him the gate! Once he loses that safety net along with most of his assets, he’ll find his “real self” is just some case of arrested development, broke and not nearly as irresistible as he thought! His wife should then permanently seal the gaps around the rock this asshole lives under so he can not come back(like mine has) and try to get back his old position of fake ass caring husband! Fuck this idiot! Hope his wife knows and retains a very good attorney! This guy, in my opinion, is just like my Ex. He hasn’t fully “discovered” the real person he is quite yet! Once the divorce is final and he finds his wife has EVERYTHING, then the transformation will be complete! He’ll see the total IDIOT he really is and that my friends IS the REAL person he is!

  • If you feel that way, why not just leave your marriage first, heal then begin new relationdhips. Because pieces of shit lie, cheat, steal and boo hoo about how they just found themselves and oh the pain.. the pain. So AP is gone lets go back and drain wife then rinse and repeat.

  • Well, at least the public are tearing him a new one!!! Love this one: “Me, me, myself, myself, me, I, myself, myself, my inner child, me.

    Rationalization, excuse, excuse, rationalization, pop-psychology, excuse, excuse, rationalization.

    I’m sorry. Were you saying something?”

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