Here I am, devastated again, and looking for insight and, well, quite frankly, a firm wake up.
I married my dream girl 8 years ago and was married for a short year. I noticed her distancing and withdrawing from me during that time. As a last resort (after repeatedly asking if something were wrong, etc) I looked at her phone. I found emails she placed from our honeymoon to another man. LONG LONG story short, I discovered a long affair that had been going on. Tons of emails, calls, texts, and secret trips. Signing into hotels with fake alias’s. The works. All through out engagement, wedding planning and short marriage. The guy has been married for 25 years, has two grown children and lives in another State. When I discovered all this, my “wife” basically ran off and gave me the silent treatment and moved to another state. And, she filed for divorce. This was a work relationship filled with hotel rendezvous and a lot of presents being sent. And of course, sex.
After she left, I tried to heal and date again. Low and behold, about 6 months later, she contacts me. Claims she misses me and never stopped loving me (HAHA). Another LONG story short, but we reconciled through counseling and she pushed hard to remarry. Which I did eventually. (I know, I know). She promised me she had changed and understood her actions. And that she had cut ties with the married man.
Well, after remarrying she was good to go for awhile. I had access to cell phone and all business travel itineraries. But, again, after a year or so after remarrying, I noticed the distancing again. Yes, affair back on. This thing had been going on since 2011. We met in 2008. Once I found out again, the same pattern occurred. She ran off, moved, and silent treatment only to file divorce. We never spoke again after D Day.
His wife has been in contact with me and she is trying everything to stop it. I’ve also seen a therapist that says its “crystal clear” there is a personality disorder at play. But honestly, aside the lying and cheating, she didn’t rage or anything. So I struggle with beating myself up in that I wasn’t good enough.
I need a wake up call please.
I always tell chumps to pay attention to actions over words. Your actions — taking her back time and again — tell me you don’t believe you’re good enough.
I’m not surprised you struggle with this. I could tell you Taylor, this has NOTHING to do with you, and EVERYTHING to do with what a disordered fuckwit she is. Your therapist can tell you. Chump Nation can tell you. I hope to God all the validation sinks in. Because the fact of the matter is, as long as you believe deep down that you don’t really deserve better than a lying, abandoning piece of shit woman — and she’s not all bad because she doesn’t rage (bitch cookie!), that picker isn’t fixed, sir. You’re going to be catnip to the next disordered nut job. Or worse, HER, when Schmoopie-fest #417 crashes and burns.
Abandonment is a terrible mindfuck. There’s no explanation, just absence. It’s totally natural to infer from this that you didn’t even deserve a goodbye. That you’re so horrible, this person simply can’t bear your presence. What’s going on here is a sane person’s natural inclination to self-reflect, and then bludgeoning yourself with recriminations. Add to that all the conventional false equivalencies — It Takes Two People to make a marriage, we never really knows what goes on, we both brought issues, etc. — and you’re looking to own SOMETHING about this cheater’s absence. It was YOU. You suck.
No, Taylor. Trust that SHE sucks. Cheating and abandonment are not victimless crimes. There is a right and a wrong way to end a relationship. You didn’t make her leave you or cheat on you. We do not compel people to abuse us. That’s on her, 100 percent.
Listen to your shrink. Read up on personality disorders. Understand that there are people who simply do. not. care. They aren’t that deep. Her “love” for you is about as deep as her “hate” of you. You were simply of use. Until you weren’t.
It really has nothing to do with you, I promise. If it weren’t you, it would be some other stand-in. That doesn’t mean you don’t matter — it means NO ONE MATTERS to a disordered person. Not you, and not the OMs either. They’ll enjoy some sparkles, like you did, and then it will probably end. The goal here is to be the sane person who walks away from the crazy.
To walk, you need to know your worth. Even if you don’t feel it right now, ACT like you know your worth. The self-respect will follow. That means, stay no contact. Don’t beg. Don’t ask her for explanations. Don’t fantasize about “closure.” Just ACCEPT that she sucks, and you deserve better than someone who sucks.
Surround yourself with those people who recognize your worth, who laugh at your jokes, who appreciate your efforts. VALUE those people. Don’t chase after hard-to-win sparkly people who may deign to cast a few kibbles your way. Expect MORE.
She doesn’t rage? The absence of a fault is not a virtue, Taylor. Fact is, a lot of sociopaths don’t rage. (Unless they think they can control you with it — and then their “anger” is about as deep as their “love”.) Sociopaths don’t have what shrinks call “adaptive anxiety” — they’re pretty chill about everything. Including shattering your heart.
Stick with the therapy, Taylor. Only you can set a price on your worth. We don’t have super powers. We can’t make people (especially disordered people) love us by being worthy enough. All we can do is know what we will and will not tolerate, and enforce our boundaries. Resist the mindfuck that says “You didn’t matter.”