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UBT: The OW apologizes…. 2.5 years later

Dear Chump Lady,

After reading Amazon Chump’s UBT, I was “triggered” to recall a similarly bizarre and unsolicited email I received from Mr. Sparkles Other Woman #928 after she broke up with him when she found out he was still trolling Adult Friend Finder for sex with women, couples, groups in spite of their “twu wuv”. Yup, once a cheater, always a cheater.

Yes, he filled her head with lies and misgivings, cheaters will do that I suppose. But I think what pisses me off the most about this is that she isn’t even sorry for the RIGHT THING. When she started dating Mr. Sparkles, I hadn’t even had time to wash my sheets… and he didn’t file EVER… I had to. How could she have been so delusional for so long? Why does she just pick out three things to apologize for, but can’t seem to own up to contributing to the destruction of my marriage and my family? She even threatened to sue me for libel when I charged them with adultery! And contacting me 2.5 years after D-day… WTF?

So what do you say, can the UBT help me and others see through this bullshit to hear what we need to hear?

ICanSeeTheMehComing!

Dear ICSTMC!

I am not sure if this message will reach you, but I wanted to apologize to you for how I acted last Spring. I am sure you know by now that Mr. Sparkles and I are no longer in a relationship as I ended things with him several months ago. Also, please know that in no way am I trying to upset you further or stir up anything; I have no interest in any part of Mr. Sparkle’s life, and I am strongly opposed to any form of contact from him. Yet, as a result of some recent reflection, I realized how I misbehaved with regard to you. So, this is just a simple, yet sincere, apology to you for how I acted — for not listening; for being difficult and causing you stress; and for not heeding your warnings as I now see you tried to share. I should have paid more attention to what you were trying to show me.

I am sorry for the undeserved stress I caused you. It is important to me that you know that I did not know your week at the beach was a vacation as a family. Mr. Sparkles outright lied to me, telling me you had taken the children in July, and that this was his week and you would not be there because you both had agreed to begin to divorce right after that trip. Even so, I did not see him that week, and we barely talked because I was focused on vacationing with my children. If he saw anyone, it was someone else, which would now not be a surprise as I came to learn was his pattern. My deciding to even begin to actually “date” him that following Fall was based entirely on the lies he told me about his availability to date.

Also, please know that Mr. Sparkles “reassured” me you knew weeks in advance that I would be at that basketball game, but again, as with many things, it turned out to be just another untrue statement he told me. I would have never agreed to show up if I had known you were not ok with it. I was told you were.

I apologize for our communication exchanges last May. Please know that when those emails were sent, I was not myself. I am not trying to make excuses, but having reread through our (me and you) exchanges now with a clear mind, I see how far removed I was from anything resembling good sense, and for that disrespect, I am sorry.

For me, everything with Mr. Sparkles turned out to be severe misleadings, secrets and lies. I don’t mean to rehash things that happened, and I realize I am taking up your personal time; however, I felt you deserved to know some of these things after what you were put through. Again, my intent here is not to make excuses for what happened, but to own up to how I did not treat you properly when we communicated. Please do not feel pressure to respond, and I am not expecting you to put any more time or effort toward this. Also, I will not bother you again, but on the off-chance you had any questions or wanted to discuss anything with me, I would be happy to discuss in more detail any way you would like. I also completely understand if you just want this behind you. I just felt you deserved the respect of this apology.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Again, I am sorry.

Dear ICSTMC,

File this one under “The Futility of Communicating with Affair Partners.” You got an unsolicited quasi-apology. This is an apology the way airline food is a “meal.” It’s delivered at 2 a.m. It has faint note of chicken, raised in a laboratory. Served with a bread puck and some gelatinous caulk they call “trifle”.

It’s not a meal, it’s a farce, playacting at a meal. And if you weren’t strapped to an extremely uncomfortable chair 30,000 feet in the air, pretending that turbulence is normal, with only 7 hours left to go… you may eat it. With regret. But at NO POINT would you wish to replicate this experience or consider it dining.

The OW served you a plate of something. I’m not sure it’s an apology or some Monsanto apology-like substance. Before I poke at it, (or slide it into the slop bucket), let’s examine the No Win Situation that is receiving an apology from the OW.

1.) You don’t know what to do with it. Rejecting someone’s apology is never a good look. It’s very awkward and now you’re cast in the position of conferring absolution on someone you’ve worked very hard not to think about.

And freaks know this, which is why the faux high road is such a mindfuck. “Bob and I are SO MUCH HAPPIER since he left shrew you, I don’t know why we can’t just all get along for the CHILDREN! Mistakes were made! Move on!”

What? Don’t you want to BE FRIENDS or would you rather do BITTER?

Yeah, I don’t want to be straight man to your impression management. If forced to reply to such an apology, I’d say, “Thanks. I need some time to think about this.” And then no contact. You’re “thinking.”

2.) It doesn’t matter. The marriage is destroyed. If it wasn’t one fuckbuddy it would be another. Listening to her apology is to confer some special centrality and significance that you’d rather not give her, but she’d like to give herself.

Can she give you those years back? Pay your legal bills? No? She’s just “sorry”? Okay. That’s for her. Whatever. You’ve got pillows to fluff, and toenails to clip.

3.) It’s probably not sincere. Full of ifs ands or buts, explanations for how they’re a Victim Too! You’d have to parse all that out, and those toenails are not going to clip themselves.

4.) If it were sincere… meh. Okay, well that’s nice. I’m glad my suffering was a personal growth experience for you. All the best, Barbie! Go and sin no more.

See, none of these scenarios are about YOU, and your life has moved on in 2.5 years. Don’t let her flag you down on the road to Meh. However, to please you, I’ll UBT this in chunks.

Dear ICSTMC!

I am not sure if this message will reach you, but I wanted to apologize to you for how I acted last Spring. I am sure you know by now that Mr. Sparkles and I are no longer in a relationship as I ended things with him several months ago. Also, please know that in no way am I trying to upset you further or stir up anything; I have no interest in any part of Mr. Sparkle’s life, and I am strongly opposed to any form of contact from him. Yet, as a result of some recent reflection, I realized how I misbehaved with regard to you. So, this is just a simple, yet sincere, apology to you for how I acted — for not listening; for being difficult and causing you stress; and for not heeding your warnings as I now see you tried to share. I should have paid more attention to what you were trying to show me.

Having found my soul mate trolling on Adult Friend Finder — aka: “reflection” — I’m sorry. You can have Mr. Sparkles back now. All the shiny has worn off.

I misbehaved. I took your squeaky boy and hid behind the sofa with him. I was a naughty girl. I didn’t listen. Smack me with a newspaper and I shall heed your warnings.

#allthesqueakisgone

I am sorry for the undeserved stress I caused you. It is important to me that you know that I did not know your week at the beach was a vacation as a family. Mr. Sparkles outright lied to me, telling me you had taken the children in July, and that this was his week and you would not be there because you both had agreed to begin to divorce right after that trip. Even so, I did not see him that week, and we barely talked because I was focused on vacationing with my children. If he saw anyone, it was someone else, which would now not be a surprise as I came to learn was his pattern. My deciding to even begin to actually “date” him that following Fall was based entirely on the lies he told me about his availability to date.

Sorry about all the stress. Hope you took an Excedrin. It’s important to me that you know that I am a victim here too. He LIED to me! I was a-okay with him lying to YOU, but he lied to ME. The SPECIAL PERSON.

I am crushed! Staggered! Gobsmacked! Destroyed! For you, generic aspirin works fine too, if you’re out of Excedrin.

Also, please know that Mr. Sparkles “reassured” me you knew weeks in advance that I would be at that basketball game, but again, as with many things, it turned out to be just another untrue statement he told me. I would have never agreed to show up if I had known you were not ok with it. I was told you were.

I draw the line at basketball games. I am, however, totally okay fucking your husband. I’ll show up for that.

I apologize for our communication exchanges last May. Please know that when those emails were sent, I was not myself. I am not trying to make excuses, but having reread through our (me and you) exchanges now with a clear mind, I see how far removed I was from anything resembling good sense, and for that disrespect, I am sorry.

I am not trying to make excuses, I was not myself. A changeling fucked your husband and showed up at your children’s sports events. I wish I could go back in time and tackle that evil fairy who stole me from my cradle and replaced me with a skank, but I cannot.

Adult Friend Finder broke the spell, and I have returned to my mortal form — a pasty, middle-aged vessel of amorality.

I apologize on behalf of the changeling. Who is not me.

For me, everything with Mr. Sparkles turned out to be severe misleadings, secrets and lies. I don’t mean to rehash things that happened, and I realize I am taking up your personal time; however, I felt you deserved to know some of these things after what you were put through. Again, my intent here is not to make excuses for what happened, but to own up to how I did not treat you properly when we communicated. Please do not feel pressure to respond, and I am not expecting you to put any more time or effort toward this. Also, I will not bother you again, but on the off-chance you had any questions or wanted to discuss anything with me, I would be happy to discuss in more detail any way you would like. I also completely understand if you just want this behind you. I just felt you deserved the respect of this apology.

I felt you deserved to know these things that you already know — that we broke up. But I’d like to go further and explain how none of it was my fault. Nor was it THE REAL ME. I’ve been really hard done by Mr. Sparkles. We share that. But like, it was worse for me, because… basketball.

If you have any questions about me, or would like to discuss me, I’m available. I would be happy to discuss me in more detail.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. Again, I am sorry.

Advil’s good for stress too. Or maybe a warm compress.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Go away means nothing to some. They cannot accept that they’re not important, so clearly being told “go away” was a verbal foible on the part of the speaker. Clearly wasn’t meant to mean go away.

    • Why do these people think they are going to find a quality “love of my life ” magic partner on Adult Friend Finder”?

      • Why do these people think they are going to find a quality “love of my life” magic partner WHEN he is married, betraying and lying to his wife and children!?!?!

        i will never understand how a woman (or man) can look at someone who is STILL married and doing things that are amoral (like hitting on singles at a bar or at a friends house) and think.. “wow, he (she) is a really great person. and would make a wonderful boy/girl friend or husband/wife” .. .. .. in my case, wasband left me for the neighborhood party girl meth head troll who bail on her own husband who she is still married to and who abandoned her own 4 children, did not have a car, job or apartment, did not and could not pay her own bills, does not support her children much less herself, living with whoever will put up with her and begging for rides, meals, a place to sleep and somewhere to bath.. .. pathic .. .. . and yet he looked at her and thought she would be better then i was to him, he thought they were “meant to be” so he walked away from his children and his loving support wife of 15.5 years. .. .. now she beats the shit out of him and he is sending dick pics to anyone who is interested. .

    • I think CL nailed it (shocking, right?!)… the OW still needed a sense of centrality… that what she had with Mr. Sparkles was REAL and SPECIAL… all I had was a marriage with kids. She needed to know that she was different. Sadly, she was not.

      • right!!! she doesnt normally steal or fuck some husband.. .. she is not like that kind of person.. . it was just that he was oh so special. they had a connection. he made her think you were so horrible to him and treated him oh so badly. she thought you deserved to be left and she was going to save him .. .. .. until he wasnt so special after all. and she realized that you probably are not a horrible person he made you look like.. ..

        oh no. NOW she feels bad. he was the one who treated HER badly, he lied to HER, he betrayed HER.. .. oh NOW she realizes he did the same to YOU.. . oh, now she she feels like shit for being a husband fucking homewrecker.. .. you MUST forgive her, she just “DIDNT KNOW”… GAG.. . now that it has happened to her, she finally realized how messed up she was to you.. . you must not think badly of her, you know how blinded she was by the sparkles and glitter of wasband.. ..

        she STILL thinks she is oh so special. and if mr sparkles can do this to special her, well then she realizes what he did to not so special YOU.. . of course she doesnt want anyone to know she is a husband fucking homewrecker.. . please dont tell anyone what she did. look. she said she was sorry.. .. . UGH. YOU CANT LOGIC WITH CRAZY.. .. . NO COMMENT

  • Maybe he lied to her that he was separated at first but she clearly found out eventually and kept dating him anyway, so meh. Delete, not worth thinking about.

    Although, have you heard the song ‘Diane’, which is about someone finding out she was the unwitting other woman and immediately telling the wife (and then they both dump him)?

    • I don’t doubt that he lied to her. Before he’s anything else, he’s a liar.

      BUT… when the guy your dating is still living with his wife when you meet him at the gym and he hasn’t filed for his divorce after dating you for a year… wouldn’t your spidey sense start to tingle. OR, better yet, don’t date a man with kids who hasn’t filed. Surely there are better men to date… you know, single ones?

      UGH… wished women would lift each other up instead of competing for a married man.

  • I reckon she’s looking for an ally against the ex-husband / her ex. Both to piss him off, and for a bit of impression management for everyone else’s benefit.

    Why else would she suggest meeting up?!

    A highly manipulative skank.

      • This is why i need to read the comments all the way. It just does not automatically occur to me this is a motive…gang up against a common enemy… genius! I just wake up in the night realising yet another dastardly deed that ex fucktard dressed up as a nice gesture turned out to be impression management. No wonder i never knew what yhe hell was going on!@ he would turn it on and off depending on who was looking ! Duh.

    • Yeah… I felt like she was looking for absolution for fucking my husband. But I didn’t have it to give.

      One time, right after she found out he had been on AFF, we had an email exchange where I offered to show her proof of all the online stuff I was bringing to divorce court. Her response: “I know all about his past. I’m not concerned with that. I’m concerned with you.”

      So… she knowingly looked past a man who posted personal ads while married to “punish his wife for spying on his computer.” Too bad she didn’t want to see my proof… it showed that I found all those files in his HISTORY… long before I installed the spyware.

      • she was worried about YOU because you were the one who was still married to him and YOU were the only threat to her.. .. you have leverage and could possibly WIN HIM BACK if you danced hard enough.. .. . of course she was not concerned with all the “other” in the past.. .

        wasband cheated on me with her. i told her she was not the first and would not be the last. .. . the troll is so super worried about wasband coming back to ME (you know his wife, now exwife) she would literally throw a hissy fit if he came in my house for any reason. she would sit out in the car and blow up his phone the whole time he was in the house.. .. . i recently found out (4 years later) she did this because she was so so worried that he and i would have sex.. .. stupidity at its finest. my children were there, i guess she thought i would pull him into my bedroom, lock the door and rape him.. .. . like i said you cant logic with crazy

        he on the other hand, things she loves him so much. because she blows up his phone, because she is worried about him sleeping with me. because she has to go everywhere with him. he honestly thinks they were “meant to be”.. .. even after she literally beat the shit out of him, tells him he has a small dick and makes fun of him.. .. they were “meant to be” not his wife who stood by his side thru thick and thin for over 15.5 years (longer then any person has stood by his side in his whole life including his mom and dad). they were meant to be even thou she is still married and abandoned her own kids. .. again you cant logic with crazy

      • “I’m concerned with you.”

        Because, let me back into the “Sisterhood” pretty please.

        I’mma victim too (!) and we’re equivalent, and I need someone who will listen (no judging!) to me bitch about how Sparkles used me. Please tell me that you, ICSTMC, are that person. Please let me bitch your ear off. I have so much more bitching to do…

    • Only other reason I can think of would be to use your response against you. So.e people really are that scary.

      • I basically told her to look up “lovebombing”, “gaslighting”, and pathological liars… and to get an STD check… OH… and that I saw no further need for contact.

        • it would have been better if you did not respond at all.. .. .. she was looking for kibbles and you feed her. it really doesnt matter what you told her, she just wanted to poke you for some kibbles one more time. .. .

          no contact is the best revenge. i refuse to talk to wasbands girlfriend at all. if she gets on the phone, i hang up. .. i only talk to wasband regarding the children and even then he has not called in over a year so i stopped chasing him down to remind him he has 2 boys that care for him.

    • I suspect she’s reaching out to you because now she’s hurting from the breakup, and she wants a shoulder to cry on. Whose better than yours, ICSTMC? She probably imagines heart-to-hearts between the two of you, where she gets to talk about herself, intermingled with some satisfying Mr. Sparkles bashing.

      I see this as a ploy to use you in her own recovery process.

  • 50 ‘me’, ‘my’ and ‘I’ versus 27 ‘you’ or ‘your’ = 1,000,000,000,000 reasons why she sucks like frog water through a dirty sock and he’s raw sewage.

    I hope Meh comes along sooner than ever!

    • So far, meh has been a little elusive on a consistent basis. What sucks is that by the time I received this “apology”… he had already secured a new GF and had introduced our son to the new victim. Basketball 🙂

  • Not entirely related—so apologies in advance for hijacking this thread. But looking for advice or something…

    Separated 3.5 years, divorced 1.5 years. XH (the Reverend Cheaterpants) remarried 2 weeks ago (not any of OP, like that would have lasted this long!). Friend sends me a screen shot of his profile on Bumble last week. Can I tell him?

    Vague hopium that he didn’t know it was still active (I don’t know bumble, so no idea if that could happen) and he isn’t already/still trying to hook up like a weasel on viagra.

    Ok, even typing this I realize how delusional I am and that it is none of my business. The sticking point is that my DD12 and DD18 still have to deal with him and I’d like for them to not have to go through this type of betrayal again and have their relationship with him further strained.

    Keeping my mouth shut, then.

    • Tbone,

      Why do you care about what he does? Just sit back and enjoy the show. Do you really want your girls to believe that he isn’t who he really is – “trust that he sucks”. I think that you can’t shield them from the truth and you also can’t protect him from himself. As sad as it is to watch him self-destruct, you can’t fix it.

    • Tbone, you got it. HE is responsible for his relationship w/your kids. And your kids will eventually decide on that relationship based on HIS behaviour. You couldn’t make him act like a reasonable human being and a caring parent when you were married to him. It’s no longer your job to even try.

      BTW, come join the forums! Great place to get and offer advice, support….

    • There was nothing you could do to stop him cheating on you. There is even less than nothing you can do to stop him cheating on someone else.

      Try not to worry about it; nay, try not to even think about it.

      Only concern yourself with your own relationship with your children.

      • Sorry if that sounded a bit stern!

        Just don’t go there- don’t even worry about it.

        You can’t influence his behaviour, let alone control it. If your cheater messes up his relationship with his children, that then he does. But they have you.

        I would stay well away from your ex, if I were you. Nothing good can come from unnecessary contact.

    • T-Bone… you should be no contact. Not your monkey, not your circus.

      Mr. Sparkles just bought a huge mortgaged house with a pool with the new GF after only 18 months together. He still has personals on Tinder, Ashley Madison, Yahoo… and I’m sure a million other seedy places.

      Let go. He is not your problem anymore. Go help starving children if you’ve got some free time. Don’t give your X another precious second of your life. Revel in the Bumble validation and let go.

    • What an ahole! Just confirms cheaters cheat. Sorry for the kids. Recovery from cheating and divorce is a long hard process. Just had a family function-grandsons bday that HE was invited to. He showed up strutted around, bought everyone wine and acted like he was all that. Image management made me want to puke. Yep it still hurts and yep he still sucks. Hugs!

    • Trying to manage his impression with the kids won’t help them – it’ll just teach them to ignore their gut and spackle (“my gut tells me Dad’s being a cheater again, but mom assures me that…”). You can’t make him a better man by helpfully “reminding” him to stop looking for new fuckbuddies. He is who he is and you just have to stay out of that.

      • Yes. Good point! These cheaters have already made us doubt our gut feeling over and over. Let’s not teach our children they can’t trust their own guts. Their own intuition and experience of ours might keep them safe from being in this situation themselves, one day.

    • LOL… that is fantastic, katiedidnt… she was a bit of a boozer… loved taking Mr. Sparkles to wine and beer festivals on the weekends they were both “kid free”… packed margaritas for a single night away camping with the kids… always a wine glass in her hand. Of course, to be fair, Mr. Sparkles is much better looking and sounds more intelligent than he is after half a bottle of wine!

  • This reminds me of some prevention program run in middle school. The message is “This is what I did, don’t do it”, and then when the kids have been told the dangers of said substance/ activity, they are empowered to make the right choice.
    This is WHY we have prevention programs.

    The chumps of Chump nation are kind of like a D.A.R.E (destructive affairs ruin everything) program for adults. “We fucking told you what would happen, but you continued down Cheater Road and you chose not to listen!”

    Sorry the mission statement of chumps only includes prevention, not intervention! I’m sure cheaters can find other services for that, but not here cheater! Chumps are not a universal mental healthcare system for cheaters!

    #gofindaspecialist
    #toobadsosad
    #theresnogloryinIToldyouso
    #Idomeyoudoyou

    #MEH

    • mic drop Got-A-Brain… it’s like she was SURPRISED that a man who cheated on his wife would cheat on her too. (Not to mention I was the 2nd wife)…

      #ignoredredflags
      #thirdtimeisthecharm
      #immorespecialthanyou

    • that would have been the perfect response to this bullshit.. .

      “May i suggest you seek out therepy to find out why you seek out unavailable men to start a relationship with and feel justified in destroying marriages and childrens lives” hahaha

      *they just DONT GET IT, even when it happens to them.. .. YOU CANT FIX STUPID

  • My ex’s ow (one of them), tries to talk to me, I don’t communicate with her. My ex and het don’t know the difference between fact and fiction. You could say they deserve each other, incidentally he has a new girlfriend, lent her money, but buy his kids presents, he can’t do that. Apparently his new girlfriend cheated on him. I should tell the ow that.

    • Luckily, I don’t travel in the Craiglist personals or Gym cheaters circles, so I’m not likely to bump in to my cheater’s final OW or the current GF. #blessings

      We have to stop keeping our focus on the cheater…. and the past.

      I got a little involved with this OW because she had two young kids and I didn’t want them getting caught up in Mr. Sparkles path of destruction. The new GF has dogs and was once an OW. She’s going to have to figure this out on her own.

  • I know I shouldn’t reach out to AP, her “twu luv” and soulmate. The one who truly understands her. But I am pretty sure he dumped her after I asked her to move out (b/c she kept choosing him). CL, and CN, helped give me the sense to do that. A couple months down the road and we’re well separated and headed for divorce. I want to forgive her (that’s an important value for me), but I’m finding it hard to do so not knowing the whole story. Okay, truth, I think he broke it off b/c he decided she’s crazy and I want his confirmation she is. How f’d up is that?

    Also, to be clear, forgiveness isn’t reconciliation. Most days I spend some time hoping for a unicorn, but I want a divorce (lots of emotional abuse and manipulation over our 18 years together). I keep hoping she’ll come back changed, but I’m not expecting it nor would I believe her without some serious evidence of change.

    I guess I’m asking to be told why I shouldn’t contact the AP.

    • I’m so sorry you’re going through this – none of us wants to be here! Don’t contact the AP simply because doing so would just drag you back into the drama and emotionally-consuming vortex. Focus your energies on moving forward, self-care, getting the best (for you) possible deal in the divorce, etc. No contact will help in more ways than you can imagine.

    • OK – I’m telling you… Don’t contact the AP because she is covered in a viral bacteria that destroys marriages. You are not Mother Teresa. You do you… if you’re doing that right, you shouldn’t have any time for AP contact because your too busy living your own miracle.

    • Forgiveness means me letting go of trash that I don’t want stinking up my life. It is not condoning or ignoring unacceptable behavior. When a bank forgives a loan, it lets go of the money, AND IT WON’T GIVE YOU ANY MORE. I don’t need to get revenge either. The Universe always bats last and comes up with way better plans than me. Not always on my time but always with perfect timing. No more free rent in my head or life.

    • Stay away because you already know she’s a cheater, a liar, and an abuser. You don’t need confirmation of that, you need to work on moving on – away from her.

    • The worst thing you can do to punish a dog is IGNORE IT. Same here. Don’t validate or dignify the existence of the Lower Companion by responding.

    • I was also stuck because I am not willing to forgive a person who purposely abusived me and shit on my love for him and was a jerk to my kids.
      Can’t. do. it.

      I have sought spiritual counsel, read a variety of opinions on the topic. I think even CL has an article in archives on it.
      Still can’t do it. Especially since I am friends with his ex wife and still continue to hear about the bullshit he puts her through and how he manipulates their children and is a shitty father.

      I know the common thought is that “forgiveness isn’t for them, it’s for YOU, so that you are no longer shackled to them,” (and follows closely with “you are bitter if you don’t forgive”)

      I have searched my heart. The absolute best that I can do right now is ACCEPT. I fell in love with his potential and the mask he presented to me during love bombing.

      Accepting that Ex is a POS and isn’t sorry and happily uses and abuses people is
      Putting down the spackle about his potential and living in the reality that he will never change.

      And that’s ok. I am free and on my road to meh. Acceptance is as good as forgiveness on my path to healing.

      • Forgiveness, and acceptance (especially of ideas about her potential amd that she sucks), are both goals. I don’t have either. Thanks @ Chumpincananda.

      • Yes. This is where I stand on this issue also. Why would I forgive someone who only wishes he hadn’t waited so long to “try and tough it out”. Me too asshole!

      • I think your idea of focusing on acceptance is smart. In situations where someone has not asked for forgiveness, I now think of forgiveness simply as the idea “let go.” Someone once told me that one of the words for forgiveness in Ancient Greek meant “let go” (probably “aphesis,” based on some quick googling now), so I just held on to that. (I did not research this at the time, and haven’t really researched it now either, but I found/find it extremely helpful regardless.)

        My ex never asked for forgiveness, and he never felt he did anything wrong. There was no way I was going to forgive him in the traditional understanding usually pushed by society/the church/wherever. There was no relationship to make right, nothing to work with. And I don’t think that I’ve been held back by this “unwillingness to forgive.” I feel like it’s a reasonable response to the depths of pain. Letting go and acceptance both seem to fit with my understanding of meh. I had the image of cutting an anchor off and letting it drop behind me as I moved forward slowly. But for me, even the letting go idea was only only palatable after considered time had passed.

        • NorthernLight, that’s great about the anchor. What a great visualization.

          When I do Yoga and thoughts intrude, I always picture ex’s name on a baseball with me hitting far out to left field. Or a picture a big pair of scissors snipping the trauma bond.

    • Even if you did contact the AP, you will never know “the whole story”. An AP is a liar and they tell themselves and others lies to justify screwing someone else’s spouse. Anything they could tell you now is going to be covered in glittery paint they will use to cover their own lack of integrity.

    • Don’t contact the AP partner because it will only hurt your emotional equilibrium. It’s a form of breaking contact with her. He’s not a healthy person, and who knows what he might say. It might be partially true, making you need more information, more contact, and make you hurt more and creating more chaos. He won’t tell the whole truth: he doesn’t think like that, he doesn’t care what happens to you.

      I realized that my Liar / Cheater did actually tell me the truth, in one of his last emails to me. Maybe yours actually told you to. You have to cut away the blame-shifting and the doublespeak. Here’s a hand guide: What did he blame you for that you clearly did not do? She did that. What excuse did she give? That’s her reason.

      As Chumplady says, the best remedy is No Contact. Every day that goes by with No Contact gets a little bit better. ALSO, Chumplady has a GREAT article on forgiveness. It’s very healing.

    • A few general thoughts on forgiveness. I believe there are different levels. The first step is to not seek revenge. A second step might be to not angry and thinking about it all the time.

      One of the best paths to forgiveness in my opinion is building a good life for yourself/being happy.

      Forgiveness can not be rushed. Sometimes you have to go through a certain amount of anger to get there.

      In terms of your ex, it may be that she has some sort of mental illness or psychological problem. That might help you to feel compassion for her and forgive. However it’s not a good basis for a marriage. And even if she isn’t mentally ill, you can feel compassion for someone whose moral choices mean they won’t have real love.

    • You nailed it… “not only have you ruined my marriage, you’ve ruined my lunch…”

      I told the OW to get an STD check as my public service announcement.

  • Dear Meh, you should not have libeled the AP with this horrible adultery thing. After all, she DID NOT commit adultery. It’s your own fault she sued you!

    I never cease to wonder at how many idiots inhabit this planet …

    • Yeah… adultery as a cause of action in divorce is so “blamey”… I must be bitter and angry… if I weren’t I would just give Mr. Sparkles half of my 401K and shut up. 🙂

    • yes, she DID commit adultery.. .. the very definitions of Adultery is when a married person has sex with someone to whom he or she is not married. The act is called adultery, whether the married person is having sex with another married person or with a single person.

      please count YOURSELF as one of those idiots

  • So, is there ever a time when an apology can be accepted and not read into. Could it be accepted if there’s a sizable check involved?

    • I think what as insulting is that she didn’t write the apology for me… she did it for herself, so she could feel better. She dismissed me, my pain, and my kids pain for two year… TWO YEARS… no amount of money could make that right.

      • Exactly.

        His bad character isn’t what made her be awful directly to you. That’s on her. Apologies don’t fix that. Years of therapy is the only thing that can fix that, and the endgame of that would be that she would realize how cheap it would be to contact you for any reason.

        She’s mean. Ignore her.

        • SPOT ON… like they say in the 12 steps… make amends only if it won’t harm the other person… I’d say reaching out to the wife if you’re the OW is pretty harmful intent no matter how much you spin it. It is ego-driven, not self-less.

  • I saw a recent picture of my ex and he’s got a weave and had veneers. He’s got a bad heart and he drinks heavily. Stalks me on social media. 4 years today divorced and I can say it’s all good now. I’m glad to be out of the delusional marriage. He’s someone else’s husband now. Can’t thank the gods enought to be rid of him.

  • What a special snowflake she is. Victim mentality. Desperately seeking kibbles. From anyone. Even you, lowly chump.

  • This OW’s pathetically weak, self-absorbed missive reminds me of the unapologetic “apology“ I once received from my ex-MIL, a highly manipulative, racist and mean-spirited woman who decided less than two minutes after we met that I was not good enough for her special baby boy. She treated me like a pariah from that moment on; anything good in this world was attributed to her son and anything bad must’ve been connected to me. I’ll never forget when she blamed only me for having two second-trimester miscarriages, but praised only her son when we announced we were pregnant with triplets (as if he was going to push those babies out through his penis). I always felt sorry for my poor late ex-FIL; a dear sweet man who believed I was the best thing that ever happened to his son; he was always apologizing for his wife’s horrid behavior.

    One day, perhaps 30 years into our marriage — this was at least 20 years after I cut her off and refused to take her shit — the mailman delivered a card from my MIL. The message was short: “I’m sorry if I might have ever done or said anything that could have caused a problem for you.”

    Really? I’m sure it took her less than 1 minute to pen that drivel and toss it in the mailbox.

    Anyway, my XH couldn’t stop squawking about how much time and effort (and crow) it cost his mother to write that card. Needless to say, I was not impressed. I asked him why, after all this time, she felt it was necessary to write. He told me she was getting old and before she died, she wanted her entire family to be “united”. I guess she forgot that not only had she completely alienated me, but she’d done the exact same thing to the unfortunate people who’d married her other children. She had a lot of ground to cover to “make things right“.

    XH reiterated just how difficult for his mother to say she was sorry, and was I going to accept her apology? I said that his mother’s card was NOT an apology; she never acknowledged or took responsibility for a single act, and there didn’t seem to be a shred of remorse in her words. He was absolutely furious with me and told me we were going to “consult a professional“. So we sat down with a friend of ours who happened to be a very experienced marriage counselor. XH thought our friend would “straighten me out“ and I would be forced to accept her apology. I showed our friend the card, and he said “I don’t understand what this is. It’s certainly NOT an apology”. After some additional discussion, I think XH finally had a rational moment and was able to acknowledge that his mother’s effort was half-assed, at best. Too bad she never read “The Five Languages of Apology“ by Gary Chapman, an excellent guide on how to craft a sincere, thoughtful and personalized apology.

    • As Chump Lady always tells us… don’t look at the words… look at the actions. REMORSE is a verb.

    • Do ALL of these men have the same mother? I once cut my MIL off due to the fact that she did not call (nor send a card or gift) on my son’s 7th birthday (we were in the middle of an addition that had torn our house and lives apart.) At the time, my two sons were her only grandchildren and MIL lived 5 minutes away and did not work. When I later confronted her about not calling my son, she said “well, he could have called me”. I actually stated, I can do nothing about how you treat me, but, I will control how you treat my children! (By the way, 42 years together, has four sons, and the only birthday cakes EVER were for HER!)

      • NotMyFault, my MIL’s despicable behavior was such a page turner, I vowed that when I became a mother-in-law myself, I would keep my nose out of my kids’ business unless invited, be authentically generous toward my DIL (both in word and deed), respect our differences, and celebrate our commonalities. I now have 2 DIL’s, and they couldn’t be more different from one another. But I try to ebb and flow within those relationships and so far, I think (I hope) I’ve been doing a pretty good job.

  • How *dare* these skank cunt whores write to chumps. Makes my blood boil.

    I didn’t get an apology letter from the shitbag’s rat faced whore, but I got a letter describing their sex life, and blaming me because some times fucktard couldn’t get it up. I don’t know which is worse !

  • “some Monsanto apology-like substance” pretty much captures this pseudo-apology from the OW. It’s like Cheez-Wiz’s relation to a good cheddar.

    ICSTM–I hope you are disengaged enough to ignore this tripe and not dignify it with a response.

    • Tempest… you are so right… as is CL… this diatribe is all fluff no substance, kinda like life with Mr. Sparkles. As much as I hated her, I worried for her two young kids… the divorce ink on her papers was barely dry when she met my husband at the gym and she had her kids calling him for help with their xBox after only dating for six months. Amazing how these fuckwits forget about the kids.

      The letter has actually given me strength to know that No Contact is the only way to get through all this. He has a new live-in GF and my son is now around her every other weekend… until she discovers him cheating.

      I can’t save them all 🙂 So, I’ll just do me (and my son)… and stick to my triple cream brie with truffles 🙂

  • She probably “needs to feel better” and “work on forgiving herself so that she can move forward”. She isn’t sorry she hurt anyone – those sadz are all for her- but she’d love you to step into her story again so that “we can heal together as we are both victims” and so she can tell her sordid tale in a light that presents her as mistreated and not as a perpetrator.

    • I think you are right… which explains why I couldn’t FEEL her “sorry”.

      Maybe if she had sent the email to me, my lawyer, and Mr. Sparkles… then I might’ve believed.

  • I would chalk that up as a fishing expedition, with only win, win, win for OW.

    #1. You reply and supply dirt on XH – making you a third party supply for her kibbles. You and she are not equals, not hurt in the same manner, never will be.
    #2. You could actually “forgive her” and ease her public image. OR
    #3. You can ignore her and she has PROOF in her mind of what a bitter old hoyden you really are, thusly deserved the treatment you got.
    #4. She is going through a “personal transformation” possibly temporary guilt, or trying to prove to a new love interest that she is a changed soul and has extended an apology out of the goodness of her “brand new heart and enlightenment”.
    — Typical cheater entitlement and clap trap. If she had any shame or respect for you she would do you the favor of removing herself from your life fprever.

    Do any of the above results benefit you?

    • Magneto… thank you for “you and she are not equals”… I needed that insight today. When he first walked out of our marriage/family to pursue her all I could do was compare contrast us… looking for “what does she have that I don’t”… and then when he cheats on her, she thinks we now have something in common (our pain)… and thanks to CL and CN… I know in my heart that I am nothing like her and my story is my own.

      The email was purely for her. As my one friend said when she read it: “Ain’t that some shit.”

    • #5. she could have been reaching out to make sure that mr sparkles went back to you. after all she told you that you were the only one she was concerned about. she wanted to make sure she did not lose him back to YOU.. .. ..

  • LOL, it’s a-ok if he lies to YOU, but not to ME. So f’n true. OW and OM fail to see how sick and perverse their behaviours are. Rationalize, rationalize….they are an infestation in society.

  • I draw the line at basketball games….such a perfect shining example of such complete disordered thinking.
    Its like they suffer from constant brain trauma.

    • She even convinced Mr. Sparkles that my son would like to play street hockey… in the same league as her son… talk about triangulation… apparently we were both pick me dancing at that point… don’t know how she slept at night.

  • I told everyone except schmoopies husband to leave me alone.

    The OW certainly knows where I live. Doesn’t have a clue who I am as a person, only the twisted stuff my ex told her. She should apologize to me. Noting but I’m sorry is all that needs to be said. But she won’t I’m sure. I don’t care. And after all I said to leave me alone so ya know, it will be my fault she can’t apologize.

    • There really is no right apology for fucking another person’s spouse and blowing up their marriage.

      You’ll be happier without one. It was just one more mindfuck.

  • I really WISH I would get an apology from either/ both of them. I’ve gotten none… no acknowledgement whatsoever that they have any inclination at to what douchebags they are. Something.

    They aren’t sorry, they aren’t remorseful… and I still can’t wrap my brain around how people like this get through their lives that way.

    • It’s as though the last bastion of their honesty is failing to apologize because they aren’t sorry. It almost seems they would at least be COMPLETELY dishonest if they TRIED to PRETEND to be sorry…

      Ack… the mindfuck…

    • You don’t want an apology. You want them to acknowledge the damage they did to you and your family. And that will never happened. And you’re right. They aren’t sorry. And they won’t pretend to be sorry because they would have to care about other people. They don’t. Sincere apology is about being humble enough to admit you’re wrong and kind enough to care that you hurt someone. Cheaters and APs are 0 for 2 on those counts.

      • ^^^THIS^^^

        I’m sorry never fills the crater they leave behind… you have to fill it by moving forward with your life.

        • Y’all are right. It’s just more pain and me and my kids have been hurt so much already.

          We were a close family. We still are minus him. I hope they both can hurt as bad as the hurt they’ve caused others. Doubt it.

    • Exactly…they aren’t sorry and don’t feel like they did anything wrong. It’s mind-boggling, but there are people out there who think this way…. They’re probably able to because they lack any empathy at all.

  • This “letter” is a “whole lotta fucked up.” Don’t try to untangle the skein although it’s tempting. I remind myself that I can never understand X or his whores- by definition, anyone who can do what X and the OWs did, is beyond comprehension. I trust they all suck then try to carry on with that “build a life” focus. Glad Father’s Day is over – it triggered me to our first FD after GTFO day 3 years ago. The pain then was excruciating. Yesterday was much better— I’m no contact with X, he saw one of the kids, I spent the day hiking with BF and his son, then making BBQ for everyone including my son who came over after work, then paddleboarding with my youngest. Ended day watching a favorite TV show on PBS. X and his abuse and drama is a distant memory growing dimmer with each month of NC that passes. Meh is peaceful.

    • Sounds like you had an awesome day and your kids know who the sane parent is too 🙂

      Mr. Sparkles brought our son home by 5:00pm so he could go out to a concert. He’s 51.

  • Off the topic a bit….I would love a CHUMP acronym contest…here’s one I just came up with..
    Cheaters Have Ugly Mean Personalities
    (Use as a reminder to run?)
    Chump Lady, can we have a CHUMP acronym contest? 🤪

  • I think the 12 step recovery programs want the participants to acknowledge the harm and apologize for it — it is a step for the recovery. I doubt it ever really helps the one they apologize to. That said — the hardest thing I ever gave up on was that I was never, ever going to receive an apology from my Dad, nor would I ever, no matter what, do anything that would ever be good enough for him. So it is hard to give up on the belief that someone who has really harmed you, will someday see the light and sincerely offer an apology, realizing that they probably do not deserve any forgiveness.
    I think there are varieties of OW/OM, and some may be chumps just like we were all chumps in the beginning of the relationships. No doubt, lies were told, and willingly believed. Some knew going in, other’s reacted when they found out. Some really didn’t care at all, and then those who learned nothing from studying the history of mankind believe that the past doesn’t matter, they are special, and that stuff will never happen to them. Sorry for their stupidity — we can only hope Darwin was right about that survival of the fit thing.

    I spoke with one of the many OW for the 2nd EX. He was briefly married to her, after our divorce. I think she was number 5 or 6 — I could never be sure. I can’t throw stones, there, I thought I was number 3, but it turns out I was wrong, too. She really did not understand anything that happened to her, or ever grasp that he had lied and had other OW throughout their entire relationship. She thought he loved me, and had not been able to get over me. I explained to her that I was merely very useful to him, and he had a hard time giving up the life he had with me. There was no love, it was just the illusion of love, for me. I could tell she was never going to get it either, so I just faded out, and stopped the correspondence with her. I think I was delusional enough at the time she called me to think I might save her some avoidable pain — but I got over that thought process quickly enough. I couldn’t save myself, so perhaps I needed some pain to reinforce my backbone and keep my head on straight. At any rate, I paid the price for my own chump behavior, and I learned some hard lessons along the way.
    The nice thing about taking yourself on the journey to MEH is that those hard earned lessons tend to stay with you and alter your life for the better. I didn’t have to apologize to anyone, either. Except maybe my sons — but I tried to use it as a life lesson for them — please don’t make the same mistakes I made, because it hurts a lot and I don’t want to see you in that kind of pain. We’ll see if they listened, and or learned, only time will tell.

    • Portia – you’re right… we can only live our truth and hope our kids will learn from it. Peace to you.

    • I have been sober/AA/Al Anon since 1985….
      “Made amends to all persons we had harmed” is
      Step 9….’amend’ means ‘to change’….so apologizing is only the beginning…restitution is part of that….what that looks like in the case of infidelity I have no idea!!!…not being a liar and cheater anymore is first and foremost for sure.
      But there is no restitution in this universe I can think of for an emotional injury like infidelity…it is not accidental and it is not a paper cut. I hate that TV and movies make light of infidelty…only worse pain I can imagine is if something happened to my child. I have been through a parent dying and it was light years less painful.

  • All I read here is “I’m a GOOD person! I am! I was bamboozled! Tricked! Lied to! I would never have fucked a married man and rubbed his wife’s face in it if I knew I was just a Side Piece! I thought I was SPECIAL. I thought I was his Soul Mate and that we would be married and I could rub your face in it for eternity. Now here I am – just a mistress. No! I was Tricked! I am a GOOD person!”

    • I’d say that you have successfully completed the UBT Chump Certification course… well done!.. (And I think you are right… she actually wanted me to feel sorry for HER!)

    • The OW wrote me an email where she was not so subtle about that stating:

      “I am not really a bad person”

      “I do not have questionable morals”

      “ I entered a relationship with a man that was separated and in the process of divorce, everything was decided (this was my truth, what I was told). “

  • “I realized how I misbehaved with regard to you.”
    Misbehaved…
    MisBEHAVED??!
    What is she? Four?
    Truly I hope the OP replied with “Want absolution? Try a priest.” Like it’s your job to forgive her for her actions.

    • LOL… for sure that is why CL’s squeaktoy analogy resonated so strongly for me…

      And “the stress she caused me”… like all I need is a good back massage or some Excedrin…

      Ah well, alls well that ends well thanks to karma 🙂

    • “Misbehaved”! Exactly! The 15 year older, 3x divorced, professional divorce attorney who had a secret affair with my then-husband and wrote to me on Christmas Morning of our planned gender reveal for our 4th baby to inform me of their secret affair, named herself as a witness in our divorce and hired her own attorney (in an attempt to try to sway the results of the child custody and child support in my ex’s favor) managed to muster up “I did wrong”.

      This woman harassed me with PORNOGRAPHIC screen shots detailing every aspect of their sex life in minute detail, made fun of my pregnant figure, and bragged *in writing* about mocking me. My infant daughter had to spend her first 10 days in the NICU infectious disease unit being treated for a potentially life threatening STD. Thank goodness she is healthy, and it was a just a false alarm. My daughter and I alone paid a very high price though.

      This OW attorney provided legal aide to my abusive ex husband to try to prevent him from going to jail for stalking me, assaulting me, and sexually assaulting me. I will never, ever understand how either of them look in the mirror in the morning.

      • Stalked, name changed…I just REALLY want to see that OW disbarred from the practice of law. It would be a public service. She has to be a looney tunes lawyer. I feel badly for her clients.

  • UBTs are so important because they teach us to look carefully at what people are actually saying. CL uses satire and snark to reveal both the emptiness and the strong whiff of entitlement behind communications with Cheaters and APs. This UBT is a classic view into the faux apology that can come after the twu wuv fades.

    Here are the 3 moments that stand out in my mind.

    1. “how I acted last spring”–AP speak for “how I had an affair with your spouse; how I snuck around with him; how I planned to show up to vacation with your kids and go to their events even though I knew he was not divorced; for threatening to sue you for libel.”

    2. “So, this is just a simple, yet sincere, apology to you for how I acted — for not listening; for being difficult and causing you stress; and for not heeding your warnings as I now see you tried to share.” AP speak for “here is an apology but for not having sex with your spouse, for being high maintenance and not ‘heeding warnings.'”

    3. ” I realized how I misbehaved with regard to you.”—AP speak for “It struck me like a comet from outer space that I was having sex with someone else’s spouse and trying to hang out with their kids.”

    4. “…after what you were put through”–AP speak for “no way I am going to put an agent in that sentence because then I would be admitting that I actually did terrible things to you.”

    This one misses the triangle. She’s love to get you triangulating with her. She may be a Jackass type–loves to be the other woman but not to be the one cheated on.

    And I hate her for spoiling basketball.

    • “She may be a Jackass type–loves to be the other woman but not to be the one cheated on.”

      BINGO!
      So it’s ok when it happens to other people, right? As long as it doesn’t happen to her? What an entitled idiot.

      I curse the AP (not just mine but everyone’s) that they’d one day be on the receiving end of what they did to us.

    • You’re absolutely right… the UBT is about clarity… an unvarnished at the shit .

      Imagine an “I’m sorry” that went on to say for:
      – fucking your husband
      – demanding he move out to prove his love for me
      – demanding to meet your child (oh, and let me bring my great kids along too for the first meeting)
      – showing up at his events because I just wanted us to all get along
      – telling me he was a cheater – I BELIEVE YOU

      But they don’t, they can’t, they’re puddle deep…

  • Yeah… so there’s a lot of “I didn’t know you weren’t ok with X, Y and Z, and never would have done that if I had known how you felt,” but also “I apologize for our communication exchanges last May.” Somehow all that consideration she had for your feelings didn’t stop her from sending those emails in May. Now why is that?

    She was perfectly willing to be an OW and a bitch when there was something in it for her, but now that there’s nothing more to be gained, she wants to re-write the narrative to look better in the present light. When she had him the narrative was “it’s ok to be mean to his wife – she’s just trying to ruin our happiness because she’s a bitch and doesn’t understand him, and he’s great and truly in love with me.” This suited her purposes at the time because if you’re the bitch, she’s not an idiot or slut for dating a married man.

    But now he’s cheated on her as well, so all that former behavior makes her look like a stupid slut who deserves what happened to her. Hence, re-writing the story! She wasn’t mean to the wife! No! She was a kind soul who was always considerate of your feelings. She was tricked into being mean to you by that lying man – this is all his fault! Okay, so some of the emails can’t be written off as the result of him “tricking” her, but she didn’t really write those! It was her alter ego, Countess Boochie Flagrante!

    This sort of person always re-writes their history and personality to suit whatever narrative is most useful to them at the moment. Ignore her – you can’t reason with someone who writes their own reality.

    • WOW… Yes, Traffic-Spiral… THIS… and this is exactly why NO CONTACT is so important… even if you are only trying to warn the next victim… they don’t want to hear it… you’re just angry and bitter and jealous. But truth wills out… it always does in time.

      • Yup, now that she looks like an idiot as an OW, she’s trying to glom on to your “respectability.” “Look at us, two women done wrong by that cheating bastard.” Ain’t no “we” in this situation, shmoopie.

        • My husband’s AP co-worker at D-Day #1 (my husband had many APs, sexual partners while married, not separated from me) tried to create an ‘us against him (my husband) bond of the sisterhood. I wasn’t interested as I felt as though I had nothing in common with her–except for the fact that we had both studied clinical psychology in grad school (she was a DUI-earning psychotherapist who had sex with other women’s husbands). By 40, she had had multiple DUIs and multiple affairs with married men. What a wrap sheet. Oh yeah, she, like me, had practiced martial arts. She, childless adulteress, even had the balls to give one of my young kids, who then, at age eight, was interested in martial arts, a book on how to lead a zen, noble way of the warrior life (This after having instructed my husband to impregnate her and then get a vasectomy. How dare she?. Do these adulterers have a clue how ironic these situations are?

  • Does the email even deserve the dignity of a reply?

    “I don’t know if this message will reach you. . .” Okay. You can keep wondering the rest of your life.

    She only feels sorry because it didn’t work out and thinks you can empathize. Yet again, she is placing her needs above your own. Screw that.

    • Yup… she wanted one person that she could tell everything to because no way would she tell her sister or kids or Dad or Mom or Priest that she knowingly participated in the destruction of a marriage and a family.

      A woman of character would’ve said “Call me when you divorce is final”… instead, she said “I won’t date you until you move out of your marital home.”

  • Gawd, what a Blabbermouth 😂
    It seemed to be some form of apology, but at this point, who cares and go away, or I’ll have my lawyer speak to you. Is this considered harassment?

  • I don’t know why these OW/OM think that our spouses are/will be totally honest with them while they are witnessing our spouses totally lie to us and screw us over. I mean, I know why – they’re all totally convinced that they’re unique or special somehow and that our spouses would never do that to them. Heck, my ex thought her married OM would never screw her over – but he ended up running back to his wife.

    But for anyone with any common sense, how can you possibly be surprised at being screwed over by somebody who you just watched screw over their own spouse?

  • “I was not myself”
    I think we should have the right to shoot APs and cheaters who say that in self-defense. Ooops, I thought it was an intruder, I was scared for my life, I didn’t recognise him/her.

  • Uuuummmmmmmm, did the OW actually show up on a family vacation with sparkledick? Did I read that right?? How the OW made it back intact is extremely impressive impulse control ICSTMC!! Like not of this world super human strength control!!

    • Not quite, TAT, she was two towns away from where we had our family vacation. He spent HOURS on the phone with her and thousands of texts. One night during the week, Mr. Sparkles said he was driving home for work but then came back to our vacation rental 4 hours later. I accused him of seeing her, but he must’ve been with another woman.

      Did I mention Mr. Sparkles is a whore?

  • “Again, my intent here is not to make excuses for what happened, but to own up to how I did not treat you properly when we communicated.“

    Fuck, this troll believes there’s such a thing as the proper treatment of the cheaters wife. Hey, it’s a learning curve. Hell its all about being a proper slunt the next time around.

  • This was at the heart of it for me… she apologizes for being rude… but never for fucking my husband and knowingly contribute to blowing up my family.

    Truth is… she did me a favor. I was so numb by then, I was slowly dying married to him. It took a good two years to detox from him and the trauma-bonding. Now I’m working on me.

    End of the day… sorry is as sorry DOES.

  • I had the OW contact me when everything went pear-shaped between her and my still-husband saying: “I have seen too much of his ugly side and I don’t know how to get away from him. You HAVE to help me, as you know him best.” I felt like replying and saying: “Sort your own shit. You are the one who knows him best now – at least in the biblical sense.” But I resisted the urge to engage. The hide of these people is incredible.

  • The sad truth is, that it is no more accurate for his AP to think that she is special, than for a wife of a cheater to think they are special. “But we were MARRIED” means no more than “But he said he would finally leave his wife because he LOVED me”. NOPE. There is only one person that is special to a cheater and that is the cheater. It’s hard to hear it, and difficult to believe it, but it is the absolute truth.

  • Ok here is what to do.
    Hit Reply
    Delete “Re:” and replace with UNDELIVERABLE in caps
    Leave the rest of the subject line there
    Delete the body text and blank out the rest of the message
    Hit Send

    NOTHING makes kibblehunters crazier than thinking their missive didn’t go through.

    Have fun!

  • As I read this the relationship started after the husband moved out. Now that’s not a choice I agree with but it’s not the same as an affair.

    I didn’t see any blame shifting in the letter, any ‘it’s not what I did it’s your reaction’, or any ‘it’s actually all about me’. I thought she tried to take responsibility for things she did that she realised were wrong.

    I get that’s no help to ICSTMC. I get it’s just hurtful to even bring it up. I just think if someone is showing real remorse and none of the fake remorse blame shifting etc then that’s a different matter. I prefer to think that it’s not real remorse that’s the problem, it’s continuing the same abusive tactics under the guise of remorse that we need to see through, and what the UBT is so needed for.

    People can make mistakes and realise and then do better. It’s difficult, but they can.

    • Hi Pecan… Unfortunately, that just shows that she still didn’t grasp what happened.

      – My husband started chatting her up at the gym in June.
      – We took a family vacation in June (he told her I went alone with the kids)
      – We celebrated our wedding anniversary in July. He gave me a bronze sculpture of a couple in an embrace and a card that told me he wanted to “fix” our marriage and spend his life with me.
      – We took a family vacation in August to the beach (he told her he went alone with the kids and we were already discussing divorce)
      – He announced he was leaving – gave my stepkids 3 days notice to pack up – because he was ready to go full-on pursuit of the OW because I wouldn’t sign a student loan for my stepson and I was no longer of use to him… (Mr. Sparkles credit score was too low)

      Mr. Sparkles has a path of destruction a mile wide with personal ads, hotel room receipts, cell phones, he even fucked his first wife for 4 years during our marriage.

      Did he lie to this OW? Sure. But when she met him, he was living with his wife and family. End of story. She didn’t respect herself enough to say – call me when the divorce is final. So yes, she chose to be the other woman and believe his lies and then acts wounded when he turns around and cheats on her.

      Please.

      • For clarity, she was “dating” him during all that time (emotional affair), she just wasn’t fucking him until the minute he moved out.

        In fact, a year later… he came over our what would have been our wedding anniversary to have dinner with the kids and me and to go over the divorce papers I had put together. Instead, he proceeded to get drunk, not talk about divorce, tried to seduce me (laughingly saying to me as she was calling his cell phone at 1:00am, “Wouldn’t it be great if we got remarried after the divorce.” She knew she was with a married man, she was just in convenient denial.

  • The Evil One/exh2 has been with OWife/Mrs. Dumbass for three+ years now, and last year I was finally given her phone number “just in case” when DD was with them for summer visitation. Never once contacted her, though I suspect he was hoping I would go all “jaded, bitter bunny” and try to contact her so that I could either A) try to expose all of his bullshit; B) try to befriend her and slyly work my way into exposing his lies and bullshit. Nah. Neither-nor.
    Fast forward to now, a year later. DD has extended visitation for the summer with them, and again I find myself having to contact her about DD because she is doing the pick-up and drop-off with DD due to TEO’s “work schedule”
    My point is that I have no doubt that one of these days Mrs. Dumbass will contact me wanting to talk… We shall see…

    • YES – Mr. Sparkles asked me if I wanted to meet her since she was going to be around our son. To what end, I thought? Wouldn’t stop him from being with her if I didn’t like her. He did the same thing with his new girlfriend. He’s like a child with a toy that he wants to show off for some kind of weird validation.

      No contact.

  • Oh…now that she’s on the receiving end of his “faithfulness,” suddenly she’s all: Oh, look at me! I’ve been destroyed! Pity me because I know you know how I feel. Please, let’s rehash everything together, because I need someone to listen to me! And I’m on your team now…so you must want to bond with me over the horribleness of our now mutual ex, right?

    insert vomit emoji here

    • Yup – the only question I wanted to ask her was why didn’t you respect yourself more and protect your children from married male predators?

  • same with me ICanSeeTheMehComing!

    wasband and his troll tell anyone who cares that they did not cheat because they did not get together until after i kicked him out and he and i were “getting a divorce” already.. .. they conveniently leave out that they were spending a lot of time together for the past 3 months. they leave out that he was not coming home and would not talk to me about what was going on. they forgot how i begged him to just tell me what was going on and what was wrong so we can “fix it” (i bet she got a big laugh over that one at the time thou). they do not remember how many times he and i did things as a family where i foolishly thought we were going to be ok in the 3 months. of course they never say a word about meeting behind my back, and how he literally HID from me so that i would not find out about her. she never tells people how she knew he was married with children at home waiting for him, or how she encouraged him to leave his loving wife while i was going thru a depression over my first born passing away a year before. they do not tell people how the harassed me and enjoyed my pain over the loss of my marriage. they damn sure seem to forget that they were together months before i kicked him out on new years eve when he did not come home yet again and she even posted pictures of her wearing my husband jacket on halloween.. .. so ya. i divorced him because he was cheating with her. a full month after i kicked him out. i foolishly did not even know she existed until she made sure i knew.

    i recently found out that he tells people he met her when he was already going thru his divorce, he neglects to say SHE is the reason we were going thru a divorce in the first place. he told a friend (that he does not know is my friend) that he thought they were “meant to be”.. .. whatever that fucking means. because he met her when he was 21 and then again when he was 38.. .. right, because the wife that stayed by his side for 15.5 years in between and gave him 2 kids was not “meant to be”. apparently i was nothing. he never even missed me.

    she knew he was married. she knew i was trying to fix my marriage. she knew that my 25 years old daughter (my firstborn) past away a year before. she knew all we had.. .. she did not care. she wanted my husband to herself. and she manipulated, schemed, encouraged, supported and enabled him to leave us so she could have him.. .. now 4 years later, he is sending my friend mentioned above dick pictures while she is at work. they fight all the time. she literally beats him up, throws beer bottles at his face and breaks up at least 3 times a year. . .. yep, sounds like they were “meant to be” huh.

    i do not give the OTHER WOMAN a free pass. just because she did not “make the vow” to me. she is just as guilty as he is. especially if she knew and continued to get into a relationship with a man who is still married, still going home to his wife and kids. still paying the bills and living with his family.. .. in fact, woman who pursue a married men are lower then dog shit. the married men is the dog shit.. .

  • I’m with you Mrs. Vain…. they wanted to “win”… we wanted to save our marriages and protect our children. Big difference.

  • The part about the evil fairy robbing the cradle and replacing them with a skank….I am in fucking tears!!!
    For that one, I’m going to have to donate…

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