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UBT: “Don’t Define Me”

Dear Chump Lady,

I ran off a list to my cheating fiancé about why I didn’t think he respected women and I included him cheating on me and leading the OW on and this is what he responded with. I shit you not. Now remember this is after I agreed to emotionally support him through his bullshit therapy.

i universally have no respect for women? i dont think theres any value in arguing with you on such faulty logic. if casting me as some kind of demon helps you cope better day to day then do what you have to do. i cannot stop you. i just hope that humanity doesnt define you universally for the mistakes you have made and will make in life, the way you are defining me. have a good night.

Tell me I’m not fucking crazy please. I gave this asshole a list of reasons that were all facts.

AJ

Dear AJ,

You’re not crazy. But you’re trying to win the wrong point. He doesn’t need to cop to not respecting all women — he didn’t respect YOU. Let the OW wage her own battle for self-respect. You’re about to be married, and he cheated on you. That’s either a deal breaker for you, or it is not.

I understand trying to get his thoughts on his shittiness (I am, after all, a chump), but you’re sticking your head in the mindfuck blender. He’s not responding with remorse or compassion. Instead he’s flipping through the manipulation channels of self-pity, rage, and charm. Nothing to work with here, AJ.

Well, the Universal Bullshit Translator can work with it. (It’s made of titanium alloys and the bullshit just slides right off). But I suggest you not devote your life to an endless supply of his self-serving excrement. You don’t need to “emotionally support” him through therapy. He needs to know how to be a decent human being out of the starting gate. He doesn’t have the basic skill set? Then he’s got no business marrying anyone, let alone demanding their hand-holding.

Now to the UBT.

i universally have no respect for women? i dont think theres any value in arguing with you on such faulty logic.

I could mansplain it for you, but your weak, baby girl brain couldn’t understand it.

if casting me as some kind of demon helps you cope better day to day then do what you have to do.

I answer to Beelzebub or Hank.

Pay no attention to my cheating on you, or my manipulations. I’ve been slandered as disrespectful! Next you’ll say I’m uncouth and don’t folder my pocket square just so. I can’t STAND this kind of trash talk!

I’m above such insults, but that’s how you roll — demonizing the man who betrayed you. During your engagement. Setting you up for tragic humiliation.

I fail to understand your hostility.

i cannot stop you.

But I’ll do my damnedest to confuse you first.

No, I cannot stop you from your crazy demonizing notions. Pity me for ever considering marrying such a delusional creature as yourself. The issue is not what I did (cheat and lie) — it’s your reaction to it.

i just hope that humanity doesnt define you universally for the mistakes you have made

(Hyperbole and false equivalency.)

Humanity will judge YOU! And how would you like that? Huh? HUH? You make mistakes too you know! Like that time you forgot the capital of South Dakota is PIERRE. And I was like, DUH, of course they speak French in South Dakota — didn’t you know that?

and will make in life, the way you are defining me.

I will not be defined! I will not have you define me by my actions and call them names like “cheater.” I AM SPLENDID.

You want a name? There it is — Maximillius Von Splendidpants!

have a good night.

(Flips to charm setting.) I can do pleasantries. Can demons do that?

AJ — please dump this condescending, sanctimonious asswipe. He’s showing you who he is — believe him.

This one ran before.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • This. Five years now – I refuse to stick my head in the blender. It is like he is dead to me. After 32 years. The few texts I get from him – he blames me. So nope not going there.

    • Im breaking with a partner of 31 years- It has only been 8 weeks and he had a 10+ year relationship with someone he worked with. I still can’t get my head around it. Its like a bomb dropped on my family. Hard to emotionally walk away and forget him although legally that’s exactly what Im going to do. Feeling like a chump. Advice?

      • So sorry Gruel. You’ve come to the right place. Keep reading. Chump Nation is here for you. The pain and confusion is finite once you’re finally free. Merry Christmas if you celebrate. Happy winter holidays if you celebrate something else.

      • Spend time reading through CN archives. You will have laughs, tears, light bulb moments. Alternate that with just trying to enjoy yourself as best you can.

        One of the things I did a few days after Dday (Christmas day) was push myself to go to a movie alone. It was so scary, but once done; it just gave me confidence that I can do this; and I will be ok.

        It has been many years for me, and I only found CN when I was doing some research after my long ago FW recently blew up his relationship with our son. I wish I had CN when I was in the heat of the battle. But, the good news is; you do have CN, and there are other good sites out there too.

        Take your time to get strong, if you have children at home; focus on them as much as you can.

        Also, the women and men on this site are amazing folks.

      • Not just emotionally walk away, but physically walk away. You don’t still live with this fucktard, do you? Oh, and by the way… you’re awesome!

  • AJ,

    This man is going to Olympic levels to avoid owning his own sh*t; nothing more, nothing less. As CL says, nothing to work with here.

    It sucks, but one day you’ll thank thank your lucky stars you found out before the big day.

    LFTT

    PS – as far as “emotionally supporting him through his therapy” …. f*ck that noise; it’s a “him problem” not a “you problem.”

    Now, I’d best get back to poaching the pears for tomorrow’s pudding (a Winter Pavlova).

    • Oh man, I wish I found out before the big day. Instead, a found out just a year and three months after the big day. There’s something about being betrayed when your wedding is so close in your memory. You replay it in your head over and over. What a performance he gave.

      • Fair. I was supposed to get married Oct. 24. The wedding was cancelled due to COVID. I found out Nov. 10. I am so grateful we didn’t get married. I honestly can’t wrap my mind around the fact that they walk down the isle with absolutely no intention to be a loving or true spouse.

    • And while I’m at it, someone who fails to capitalise either the start of a sentence or the first person singular is clearly beyond help. He can go and boil his head.

      LFTT

      • My ex would do that all the time, use ‘i’ in sentences. It comes across as lazy and disrespectful to me, like he can’t be bothered using proper punctuation.

  • Well, this ran before, so I won’t speak directly to AJ, but I would love to know whether she left this guy and how she’s doing now.

    This letter brings up a cheater tactic that hits close to him: “The issue is not what I did (cheat and lie) — it’s your reaction to it.”

    Do they actually believe this? Are they aware of the craziness of this logic? Are they know they are manipulating and creating a false equivalency?

    My covert-narc ex had the ability to remain eerily calm and dead-eyed while basically shitting on me.

    There was the time he led me to believe that he would kill himself, so I drove three hours late at night to check on him. When he yelled at me for doing so, I reacted angrily. I looked like the crazed one! He sat back and watched, loving the show.

    What I would say to anyone out there who still interacts with their cheater is to try to remain calm….always. Don’t let the cheater force a reaction from you. Cheaters love that and will not only feel superior but will use your (appropriately) angry reaction to mindfuck you and justify their shitty acts.

    They will say that it proves that we are both at fault. I cheat. You react badly. It’s equivalent.

    • Spinach, your ‘reaction to it ‘ comment reminds me of one I got. I had told him to leave our home after I finally found out he discarded me for an OW – (Mr. entitled 0 empathy was still planning on still living in our home until all the details were worked out).
      Anyway, he would come back and just come right in the house with his key – for months- never knocked. I was in trauma and pick me dancing in my own way even though I had been discarded and said ‘ when you just walk in like that, it feels like you’re just coming home or back from work.’ He said ’ if that’s how you choose to see it.’
      They have 0 empathy, and it makes us crazy dealing with crazy .

      • Public Service Announcement: My lawyer told me it was perfectly OK to change the locks on the house while we worked out the details. I did — the morning after he moved out and I moved back in. (I had been staying in a hotel and at our son’s since the ultimate D-day.) He was furious, but it was the only way I could feel safe in my own home at that point.

        Check with your lawyer, but you often can do things like transfer 1/2 your joint savings into a separate account that only you have access to or change the locks on the house as a way to make sure that you and your financial resources are safe and secure during the divorce process.

        • I know a woman who “ lost” her keys down a storm drain so she could change the locks. Her husband was coming and going as he pleased during their divorce proceedings.
          Check with your attorney.

        • I was like you, I had the locks changed as soon as he moved his shit out. I had to to feel safe. Technically it was illegal. He told me I had no right to do it. I said call a cop. (he was one).

          He knew if he caused a fuss it would become a public nightmare for him and the mayor. He stayed away. He called me a few times, but never tried to force the lock issue. Soon after that, I convinced him to go ahead and file (he wanted me to) but I thought he should since he was the one that wanted the divorce. It also worked out better for me, though I didn’t know it until I hired a lawyer.

          Once the legal separation kicked in, it was moot.

          • I had to change the locks because “I had to let the cleaner go because I couldn’t afford her anymore and was worried she’d copied a key”.

            • Sadly me changing the locks also locked his mom out. She was hurt, I tried to explain that I needed my sanctuary. She turned against me after that. I get it, but still sad. She tried to tell me she wouldn’t let him have a key, but first of all I knew better. Second, I didn’t want anyone but me to have access.

          • Mine found an attorney then refused to file! He told me to file with the one he found?! It is baffling. He cheated lied and left. But wouldn’t file? Still baffled by this. Was he trying to make me look “bad” even tho he cheated, ran off w my cc’s running up thousands, then not filing somehow makes him look “nicer?” Help me understand this weird tactic, I’m utterly lost.

            • I don’t know. I am wondering if it depends on the state. Where I was, the one who filed had to produce all the financial stuff and had more of the burden. I didn’t know that when I asked him to file, I just thought it was only fair that he filed since he wanted the divorce.

              Plus, even though we lived in a 50/50 no fault state, his leaving and filing allowed my lawyer to use some abandonment laws to my favor.

              I have since figure out that 50/50 no fault is basically the starting point. That 50/50 can be figured out a lot of different ways depending on circumstances.

              In my case we were legally separated for a year and he paid all my bills including the car payment during that time. That allowed me to get enough money back to pay my lawyer, and recoup some of the money he stole from marital funds for the whore. My lawyer could have gotten me three years under that plan, but a year was all I could take. I asked for the first six months and asshole drug his feet for the second six months. He kept paying though, because he had to.

              In the actual settlement he got more of the property; but I didn’t want it as I couldn’t pay for it anyway. I did get the one property that was free and clear. He also had to pay off marital debts, he could have fought it of course; but he didn’t because he knew I had a kick ass lawyer and he better take it and run. Aside from the rental properties the only debt we had was about five thousand dollars on credit cards. Since he ran those up buying shit for schmoopie (I had the proof) and some of it was to pay for stuff for our river front property, which he conned me into buying just six months before he discarded me.

              I hope you didn’t use the lawyer he found. It always amazes me that these FWs screw us over then think they are going to control the divorce proceedings and outcome. My asshole was really frustrated that I wouldn’t use his lawyer to represent us both. Think again asshole.

          • To this day, I am convinced that changing the locks and the alarm code and telling him telephonically what I had done, probably saved my life.

      • I think my cheater had planned on living at home until the details were worked out too. Only in his version; he kept me in the dark while he and the schmoops got it all worked out. Then someone outed him, and all hell broke loose.

        Luckily for me, because I am betting had he not been outed, he would have used me for at least a year longer.

        I think he and schmoops were bumping uglies for a while before he got his promotion, and they likely kept it secret so as not to jeopardize that. Then when he got promoted, he needed to get her a raise, then someone dropped a dime.

        Likely a fellow police officer. I found out later he was not liked by a bunch of them. He had gained some power and evidently let it go to his head.

        The reason I think he got outed is he basically went into a panic. He couldn’t remember what he was saying to me from one minute to the next. It was so weird.

    • Oh the “it isn’t what I did, it is your reaction to it.” That’s right. I CHOSE to be upset. Enlightened women should understand blah-blah-blah Esther Perel blah-blah-blah. He was shocked, SHOCKED, at my response to his coming clean with a 7 year (main) affair, hookers, additional OW that even Schmoopie was unaware of, the poor enlightened thing.

      This is such BS. If he didn’t think I would be upset, why keep it a secret? Why not tell me before he decided unilaterally to expose me to STDs? We agreed to monogamy and fidelity. He broke the promise. The false equivalency is that I gained weight and can’t do anal.

      Hey, I lost my extra pounds (40), but there is NO WAY he is going to lose his entitled character. Good luck to whomever he charms into being the next appliance.

    • “Do they actually believe this?”

      Well, think of it from their point of view. They have no real morality or concience, so obviously nothing they do in pursuit of their own gratification can be wrong. “Wrong” is simply whatever causes them trouble. You being upset with them causes them trouble, and so it is wrong.

      • I hope no one ever blames their weight on this! I’m skinny – didn’t change a thing!! I got cheated on for years- even when I was younger and hotter. Means nothing!

        • Thanks for this, FormerlyKnownAs! It’s so true! I weigh the same as I did on the day FW met me 17 yrs ago, but he was “bothered” by my mom belly (diastasis, yeah an actual injury). No matter what you do, you’ll never be worthy of their splendor.

          Oh, and he also wanted me to carry a third baby. So the things they think they are entitled to are literally opposites and impossible. Trust me, don’t waste your time beating yourself up because you didn’t meet someone else’s standard. You could waste lifetimes throwing yourself on that altar.

        • Absolutely true.

          I was evidently cheated on for most of the years I was young and hot. I had gained about 15 pounds by the time I was 40. Still given my build those 15 pounds didn’t look bad on me. He left me for a woman who was shorter and heavier than I was.

          Honestly, they have their own deluded reasons and none of those reasons are a reflections on the betrayed spouse male or female.

          Shoot my ex (at age 40 when he discarded me) was fifty pounds’ heavier than he was when we married, if weight was a reason to cheat; I should have been the cheater.

          It hurts me to the core to see any chump blame their looks for these losers actions.

    • I used to get the BS about my reaction to the cheating being the issue. It’s all nonsense. Her common line was “I need to feel safe” “You are ruled by your anger.” “Your need to dig for dirt did this.” “You’re scary” this one was in response to me investigating on my own and catching her in her web of lies.

      No contact works wonders to stop the mindeffery and allow yourself to start to heal. When you stop playing their BS game, you take back power over your own life and they start the rage and projection crap. God I could help so many people now after enduring this shit show.

      They love the attention. They love the power over you. Their ego is enormous and when you stop trying to save this dumpster fire, they often rage and do everything they can to keep the saga of drama going.

  • I really, sincerely don’t understand why would anybody stay with a person who cheated while dating/ being engaged/ early relationship/ no children. What do you expect for the future???

    If a person is in therapy and doesn’t have major mental illness, then they have their THERAPIST to support them through. That’s what you’re paying a therapist for, to support you going through the issues.

  • Run! Cut your losses now. My ex had an “emotional affair” during our engagement. Begged for forgiveness, which I stupidly granted, and the had another affair three years into our marriage when our son was a newborn. She blew up our new family for that AP. They don’t change. Good luck to you! You deserve more.

  • Maximillius Von Splendidpants! 😆😆😆

    Anytime I find myself tempted to explain to a person why what they are doing is so hurtful, I find it’s time to consider why I’m bothering to speak at all. A person who is willing to be that hurtful generally isn’t also a person whose conscience is fully engaged. It’s often a fool’s errand to give my energy to attempting resolution.

    If it’s truly that important to the person to resolve their behaviors, the person will try to work it out on their own because the issue will bother the person enough to keep their attention and motivate outreach (for more than a week).

    Until I see that sort of personal commitment, I’m reluctant to bother wasting my energy. Even when I can see it, I’ll join the conversation, but I won’t commit proactively to pursue full resolution. That depends on how the conversation goes.

    It took 20 years to get here post-divorce and I’m not giving an inch on the solid foundation my life now rests on. Period.

    • “A person who is willing to be that hurtful generally isn’t also a person whose conscience is fully engaged. ”

      Yep and assuming full mental capacity there are only two reason why this can be. 1) they never developed a healthy conscience, 2) they have allowed their conscience to be seared by their own lies/sins.

      In either situation you/we are just talking into an empty vessel.

      • Honestly, I’m thankful I do not possess the evil or character issues that a cheater does because I could not live with the guilt of cheating on a spouse and blowing up my family. Couldn’t do it. Never even put myself in a position where it could happen or where I could even be accused of it.

        Little did I know that my ex (“Christian” wife) was a huge cheater.

  • “Don’t stick your head in the mindfuck blender” is one of the most useful concepts I got from Chump Lady. My ex, who has a PhD (as do I) with a specialty in critical theory, unsurprisingly also mastered the discourse and theory of Mindfuck Blender. Because I believed for most of our 35-year marriage that he was a rational, logical, even brilliant thinker, I believed his mindfuck statements (disquisitions, even) were legitimate, and responded to them in the spirit of rationality. After lessons from Chump Lady, I could finally see them as nothing more than the self-serving spinning of bullshit that they were, designed to keep me off balance and questioning myself.

  • Dear AJ,
    What your fiancé had said, his words reminded me of this video that I’ve recently came across on YouTube: “Translating The Injured Narcissist: 22 Things Narcissists Say In Narcissistic Injury” by Angie Atkinson (blond lady with glasses). When I was watching that video, it immediately reminded me of chump lady very similar echoing to what she’d say.

    I’m familiar with your pain of what it’s like from being betrayed, because I was married to & had children with such individual, close to 2 decades – who turned out to be a cheater. Now going through grueling divorce process. AJ, there is beneficial side to all your heartache – is that you’ve had this in time chance to discover of who this really person is BEFORE you actually got married to him. IF you were to not find out this info and were to end up legally marrying, or having children with him – you’d be in a whole lot more overload of crap to deal with & your children having a father who’s got low moral standards, that isn’t something to be want to be associated with afterwards. Although this isn’t a Christmas that you’ve originally imagined out for be, but… you still get a valuable treasure under the wrapped up gift of: a better life that you are deserving of WITHOUT the betrayer. You get this opportunity of freedom to get away from toxic person in time & never having any obligations, any ties, any associations with him in your life.

  • In the blame your reaction to the cheating mode, on dday when ex listed all my “faults” as a reason for cheating I asked him why he never addressed them with me – some went back years – he said I would just get upset, yell & scream & he didn’t want to deal with that. I remember saying something like how dare you condemn any reactions to YOUR behavior.
    For the record I’m not a yeller or screamer. Whatever.

    • My ex wife suddenly wanted to separate and wasn’t happy. She was telling me how we need to separate and revamp to be better for the kids. She started listing off so many complaints about me, listing arguments from four years prior, just really over the top stuff. I had this moment of clarity where her list of complaints raised a red flag internally and told me “There’s someone else.”

      I found out there was someone else just days later, confirmed who the next week, and caught her. If I didn’t trust my gut, this awful woman would have been content on me thinking I lost my family over trivial stuff like “you were on Twitter too much.”

  • Mine was fond of saying I shouldn’t define him by his worst acts, because after all, he’s kind to animals and regularly gives blood, so how can he be a bad person. I call his line of illogic the Hitler Liked Dogs Defense. The fuckwit in this case presented by CL seems to be applying a variant of this mindfuck.

    We are indeed defined by our worst acts, if they are bad enough.

    • My ex also gave blood often. He’s O neg so that’s a good thing. BUT, there was a time that we were banned from giving blood because we had lived in Germany during the ’80s when they had mad cow disease.
      Yet, he continued to donate. I was upset but he insisted that he couldn’t have mad cow disease.
      Years later I discovered the real reason he gave blood. It was because they tested for HIV and he was living a secret life as a gay man. Unfortunately it took me 40+ years to find that out.
      Anyway, I agree that we are defined by our worst acts (if they are not truly repented) and that liking furry animals in no way exonerates anyone for evil deeds.

      • OMG. What a horrid man.

        Mine continued to give blood while having unprotected sex with a skank who engaged in unprotected sex with multiple men, so I called the blood services people and reported him as a risky donor.

    • The “Hitler Likes Dogs Defense”! That’s spot on!

      Mine was a physician and helped many people. “One lie,” which he called his multiyear affair, paled in comparison to all his good deeds!

      Similarly, the OW was supposedly a caring nurse. He said that they “bonded over taking care of sick people,” which, he explained, I wouldn’t understand. Patronizing prick.

      I think they first hugged (and no doubt kissed) when a patient died after coding, which is really sick if you think about it–a weird combo of death and sex.

      This woman who’d just died was a “favorite patient,” he explained. I was supposed to understand that this excused his breaking our vows and fucking the OW. It’s as if he was saying, “What’s wrong with you, Spinach? Someone died. This nurse and I helped her and felt so sad when she died. We connected because of our mutual caring for others and goodness! Don’t you have any compassion and understanding? You’re such a vindictive bitch. You’re so unforgiving.”

      Many good deeds don’t cancel out a terrible one (betrayal and lies for years). It doesn’t work that way.

      Bastard!

      • Bastard indeed! What ridiculous and cruel mindfuckery.
        I’m so sorry he did that to you. Since he clearly has no humanity, I’m pretty sure they didn’t actually give a rat’s ass about that patient but just used it as a handy excuse. They were probably fucking before that happened anyway.

        • Actually, yeah. They were probably fucking well before that. Who the hell knows? Clearly, he glommed on to that little story to make his betrayal seem reasonable and justifiable.

          Another version of sparkling a turd. “Look how pretty our affair is! What smell?”

      • Spinach@35,
        I swear, you are writing my life story verbatim. My STBX is an ICU doc, AP is an ICU nurse. Same Hitler likes dogs defense. In fact, just yesterday, he sent an email to the kids describing how many lives he is saving from COVID and even attached a photograph of a card from a grateful patient. The centrality of the whole “I’m a health care hero/essential worker” is giving him such a high. My daughter was sobbing after reading it and said, “The patient said that there needs to be more people like him in the world. He helps a lot of people, Mom. I am so confused.” I could see my daughter’s head sucked into the mindfuck blender right before my eyes and I was livid. I told her, “I’m sure Hitler helped a lot of people too but we are not confused about him. You know the facts about your dad’s character. The patient doesn’t. So don’t let yourself be confused.”

      • Doctors and nurses, supervisors and secretaries, women and their high school boyfriends—God what a cliche these people are.

    • “We are indeed defined by our worst acts, if they are bad enough.”

      Yep, one of my old supervisors (retired Navy) used to say “years of “atta boys” can be wiped out by one “Oh shit”.

    • “We are indeed defined by our worst acts, if they are bad enough.”

      Reminds me of the bawdy joke

      A large Scotsman is sitting at the local pub, downing pint after pint. A backpacking tourist sits down next to him to order a drink and the Scotsman begins to speak, “you see this bar? Built it with my bare hands. But do they call me Angus, the bar builder? Nooooo.” He points out the window and says, “you see that stone wall? Built it myself in the pouring rain, stone over stone. But do they call me Angus, the wall builder? Nooo.” He points out the other window, “see that bridge over there? Built it myself, spent an entire year risking my life. But do they call me Angus, the bridge builder? Noooo.” The man shifts in his chair and stairs down at his pint, “you fuck one sheep…”

  • Here’s my response to this situation:

    Two people are engaged.
    One of them cheats and gets caught at it.
    The engagement should be over.

    The whole point of dating and engagement is to make sure you’re joining your life to a person you can trust for a lifetime. The engagement is the period where you get to change your mind with minimal consequences if you discover a deal breaker. The wedding dress may hang in the closet for a few years and you may lose a deposit on a wedding venue (although I’d negotiate getting it back if the venue re-books the space). That’s still a lot cheaper than a divorce and a lot of less heartbreak and worry when your kids’ lives are disrupted.

  • Ok, dude. I don’t define you.

    Let me define “mistake” instead.

    “A wrong action attributable to bad judgement, ignorance, or inattention. An understanding of something that is not correct.”

    Affairs are not mistakes. Everyone knows it’s wrong and that’s why they lie about it and hide it. If you thought it was OK and didn’t know? You come from a different Galactic Federation or are insane.

    Everyone has issues. Not everyone has the issue of doing things they know will hurt others and are wrong (as evidenced by efforts to conceal). The willingness to do that defines one as a “perpetrator” of a “crime”, a “traitor” who committed “treason”, who hired a “hitwoman” to help him.

    “Affairs” are also “abuse”.

    You don’t need to define him. The definitions of what he did according to the facts are enough evidence for you to leave due to “breach of contract”, “fraud”, and “intentional infliction of emotional distress”.

    • PS…what we do is who we are. If you want to be thought of well, you have to do the right thing.

      Ignorance of the law is no defense…..
      and we do get to make judgements about people, places, things, and situations.

      As for people who believe in “alternative facts”? They can go hang with like-minded people.

      Stick with the winners. Cheaters, by definition, are NOT.

  • Ha ha ha….that sounds exactly like something my ex would say, though he’s a little too conflict avoidant and phony for that much.

    But he would accuse me of being hateful and wanting to be miserable. And of course all of his nasty, phony shit was followed by “have a good day”.

    This was while he’s trying to manage his image so he can claim that he doesn’t understand the problem….I mean, he wished me a good day and I’m still mean! How come kim isn’t nice?

    😅😅😅

  • “(Flips to charm setting.) I can do pleasantries. Can demons do that?”

    NO, no, no! That’s not charm, that’s a politely veiled Fuck You! You’re just not hearing the inflection.

    Mine used to call me “Darling” and it sounded like “Bitch”.

    Case in point: I recently emailed XAss to politely request that the next stimulus check that he will receive on behalf of our son (because he claimed custody on his 2019 taxes though the kid will be with me when checks are sent out.) to please be deposited in the college savings account we have set up for him. The reply I received never acknowledged my request, or answered it. Instead I got a screed on how he has been guarding that $ (implied ‘from me’) all these years and has even created other (super secret) bank accounts for college and have I done as much??? And have I been contributing to any of them???? (I make 1/3 of what XAss makes (he pays no alimony, and very little CS) and have no $’s left over at the end of the month to put into savings.) And then he ends the single run-on sentence paragraph with “Merry Christmas, Happy New Year”. Which really means “I hope you die slowly you nosy, interfering bitch”.

    Took me a few years to learn how to interpret these FuckWit messages correctly.

  • No person acts haughtier and superior like a cheating, lying, scum sucker.

    How can miserable peasants dare to find fault with these exaulted beings ?

    Revolting arrogant POS SOB’s

  • I find this letter to be more about the toxic dynamic between these two than about seeking advice. She even goes so far as to create an equivalency between herself and the OW, victims of his selfish behavior, and is now trying to rope CN in her campaign to prove how right she is. She did not create a laundry list of her finance’s boorish, sexist behaviors and hand it to him while simultaneously throwing her ring in his face and yelling at him, “You are a fuckwit. I never want to see or hear from you again and here’s why.” His response proves that he’s a misogynistic jerk, but she’s not really asking whether she should stay or go. She just wants the outrage here to confront him with the “truth” and confirm to herself that she’s right. That’s very different than feeling torn about staying in a relationship with a cheater.

    • >>but she’s not really asking whether she should stay or go. She just wants the outrage here to confront him with the “truth” and confirm to herself that she’s right. That’s very different than feeling torn about staying in a relationship with a cheater.

      Damn! That’s exactly the difference I couldn’t put my finger on. Thanks!

  • First mistake was writing him a list of anything.

    All that does is give him a reason to do exactly what he just did: not listen and then turn it around on you as if it’s you who has the real problem.

    You cannot convince someone who doesn’t think they did anything wrong to feel sorry. Letters, lists, texts, emails detailing your pain and begging them to see the error of their ways, it fuel on their ego fire. You just tossed on a Duraflame.

    Step away from the computer, block him contacts. Go no contact. His burning ego is not your Yule Log. Even the Grinch would tell you his heart won’t grow.

  • Yep. I found out 8 days into our honeymoon. It feels like I never had a chance to sit with being married. I also stayed with him because I believed in him. He faked it for 5 more years. Now he’s married to one of “them” living less than a mile from where we used to be. What. An. Ass.

    • I am so sorry.

      If it helps (which it doesn’t) the only difference between you and a lot of us is; we didn’t know.

      My ex told me as he walked out the door after 21 years, I never loved you, so he likely cheated throughout the whole marriage. Or maybe he was lying, who knows. Later when he wanted to come back, he said he just lied about it to make me hate him.

      • Umm..I am unclear on what you mean. I stayed after the honeymoon because he showed and told me he wanted to work on his sex addiction. Then at some point he figured it was too much work but he began lying to every one- me and several highly experienced therapists. I didn’t know til last year.
        Can we not compare our pains to try to put them in some sort of ranking? Hurt and pain all suck, let’s not be judgy here.

  • Cheaters only know how to deflect and blame you. I’ve never seen a single one not pull the same shit. They’re not sorry. They rage and play the “woe is me” “you drove me to do this” “I’m messed up” bullshit.

    You’re also blessed to have your cheater be exposed BEFORE marriage and no kids. Easy walkaway.

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