I just walked away from a 17-year marriage. He admitted to his second one-night stand in our marriage. I’m not chumpy enough to think there wasn’t more. He thinks because “It was just one night. A whole year ago!” and “It’s been 10 years since he last slipped up” that he somehow gets brownie points. The simple version is; he cheated a year ago, admitted it 3 months ago, after a little waffling from me and some insensitive moves from him during a separation; I said I’m done.
I just never realized how done. I don’t miss him…at all. Not. One. Bit. It’s actually kind of scary. He was THE main character in my life for 17 years and I adored him. But his actions flipped a switch in my brain that I didn’t realize I had. I honestly wonder though. Is there something wrong with me? Shouldn’t I feel something when he’s bawling and begging me to come back? Or is this what people mean when they say “Harden your heart”? My friends say it’s just self-preservation.
I’m so genuinely confused. I feel bad that I don’t feel bad. I feel bad when I lay down at night, and realize I didn’t think of him all day. So, is this semi- normal?
Maybe you’re just really sick of his shit. Like bone tired. Like you’ve been puking on that carnival ride for 17 years and you’ve got no puke left to puke. Or fucks left to give.
Maybe after your umpteenth stomach-dropping loopity loop of his psychodrama you’re DONE. And having been separated for a few months, you realized peace and terra firma and a calm stomach are preferable to puking. And goddamn it, you deserve peace.
Should you feel bad? No. You just got to “Trust That They Suck” sooner than the rest of the class. That makes you in the top percentile. I swear a gazillion chumps will read your letter and wish they were you. They long for the flipped switch, and the self-worth that is stronger than the self-pitying laments of cheaters. Consider yourself fortunate.
I can’t tell you how “normal” this is, because most people who write me are here to get help in letting go and leaving. Those secure in the path of Gain a Life probably don’t need the same validation.
Why should you miss someone who deceived you for ten straight years? And had two affairs (that he’ll admit to)? Why would you miss someone who returned your “adoration” with gut-wrenching betrayal? You don’t have a hard heart, you have lucidity. It’s a gift. You can see him for who he is, and because you value your heart, you’re shielding it from anyone who would abuse it.
I would guess going forward, you might miss the husband-shaped space he used to occupy — but God bless, you know the difference between a figment and a fuckwit. I think you’re going to be just fine, DMH. Rock on!