UBT: “You’re the one who still has my heart”

There’s a common trope in the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, that it doesn’t matter how many fuckbuddies one has, or for how long, the important thing is the cheater loved you all along. There was no pick me dance, because Babe, they came home to YOU. And don’t you feel special? Because you should!

“Lynn” sent this nugget of crazy to my Stupid Shit Cheaters Say inbox:

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

Yes, wherever his dick was, doesn’t matter. His heart comes home! Like those sea turtles who wander the ocean hundreds of miles only to return to their nests. Like that! If sea turtles could craft dating profiles.

Anyway, the important thing about this is how the cheater feels. It doesn’t matter if the chump gets hurt, or gets gonorrhea, what matters is that entitlement is preserved. Of course you have his heart! He LOVES cake.

The Universal Bullshit Translator wanted to take a crack at this fascinating duality of cheater love.

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

I was with a lot of women. You’re the only whose name I know.

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

You’re the one who can take half my retirement.

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

My heart needs a sandwich. Be a dear…

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

You don’t need to know “how many.” Let’s not get hung up on the details. It’s a number so insignificant, I can’t remember it… but it’s divisible by 7. Anyway, they only get my dick, but you get my heart! You refill my statin prescriptions, insist I eat salads, and if my arteries harden, you’ll only have yourself to blame. My heart is an awesome responsibility that I entrust to YOU.

I feel no such obligation to you, however. Keep everything in fine, humming order and don’t break down. Now about that sandwich…

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

I have a superpower. It’s called “compartmentalization.” All the sophisticated, evolved people have it.

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

Learn to share. You shouldn’t be so selfish.

“No matter how many women I was with, you’re the one who still has my heart.”

You’re the one who can impose consequences. So, here’s a shiny Valentine to distract you with!

***

Lynn, his “love” for you is irrelevant. Is this relationship acceptable to you? I say trash his heart the way he trashed yours.

***

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unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

It was right about 3 years ago when I found out that his penis went on many unscheduled field trips.

While the whole idea grosses me out to the extreme, I actually dwell more on the fact his penile cheating caused him to be a mean, selfish, angry, fault-finding, insincere, petty, horrible person and that is what sticks with me. His heart didn’t come home to me, it was destroyed.

Almostmeh
Almostmeh
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Mine said “I left her for you “, sure , being married for 29 years means nothing but thanks alot for leaving your fuckbuddy for me….

Carol
Carol
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Agreed!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

“His heart didn’t come home to me, it was destroyed.”

Exactly, UNM–the further entrenched cheaters get into their nefarious lifestyle of deception and getting a power-high from manipulating the chump, the more rancid their already-small hearts become.

Although I divorced Hannibal Lecher on the basis of an affair with a graduate student from 8 years prior, when I went in search of other affairs, I was able to tell the PI to look for data at very specific times because I now recognized “devalue” when he would behave even worse than usual. In particular, the 8 months prior to D-day over the gradwhore, Hannibal had been treating me horrifically (and I had already broached the subject of divorce numerous times). Turns out he was balls-deep in a very intense affair (with current live-in GF). With each of his affairs, the cruelty got worse and worse.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

The word “destroyed” implies that X had a “heart” (meaning true capacity to love deeply, to bond, to have compassion) to begin with. I believe in the narcissist-mask theory that X never was capable of any of those heart-based traits and it was all a long 26 year con and that is how X could so easily lead this secret nafarious life, then devalue and discard then caught without a shred of remorse for the devastation caused.

Chumpiest
Chumpiest
6 years ago

THIS

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicorn, Well said!!

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Exactly – great summation of where my head is today too. Why do I wake up everyday and that reptile is the first thing that I think of? I can’t wait for the day where that is no longer the case.

Zell
Zell
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

yeah 11 months out from Dday and I still get that also. When I’m trying to go to sleep at night and right when I wake up in the morning. Luckily I rarely dream about her.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

You can add me to that list. Why do I still waste so much time ruminating over the demise of my marriage when I have so many other things requiring my attention that are so much more important?

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

I think today is my day! I’m moving tomorrow with my Dd, BF, and his Ds. Its our dream home and a very happy move. I woke up with thoughts of the moving tasks and work stuff I need to get done today. I didn’t think of X for quite awhile and even then it’s like a dull intermittent ache, not front and center all consuming agony like it was for so long.

I’m 3.5 years out from DDay and 3 years from GTFO day. 14 months since D. Meh is wonderful ????

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

KA,
I feel your pain. My most ardent wish these days is for something else to be my first thought. I think of the painful thought that my exees never loved me (just used me) as an ugly radioactive plant (in the middle of my neighborhood) that I can’t remove but I can build around. I plan to build beautiful beneficial buildings and parks (thoughts) around the ugly, toxic. Also trying to label in my mind ‘bad, sad, tragic events’ as ”experience, enlightenment, and wisdom’ to reduce the pain the thoughts of them cause and remind me of their value–I lviscerally earned something from these events. I learned how it feels to be emotionally poisoned, which might help me make healthier choices which lead to a happier outcome. If I can’t create a better outcome for me, then at least I can impart my hard-won wisdom to my kids and possibly others to protect them.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago

“I will always love you as the mother of my children.”
Would I hate this statement as much if cheater had said “our” chldren? I doubt it.
These words make me feel like the first trimester of pregnancy, ( which I was in at DDay time-
nauseated and about to vomit).
????

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

One of the few apologyish things he ever said to me was “I should never have done this to the mother of my children”. I think I deserved to have been treated well even if had never birthed his children. Interesting is that he never elaborated on what “this” was.

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Yeah. Barf. “This” that I cannot mention…therefore it may not have happened.

Magneto
Magneto
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Wow. Your cheater was so… … nice about your kids. Mine shat all over our youngest kids prom, birthday and graduation by disclosure of OW and his BRAND new “start over” life.
He treated me like garbage, turned me into the villain – took ALL the savings – left kids.

Never paid a dime toward college. Says kids will be “happy” that he finally found someone to love.
once they accept the “adult” relationship he offered them. I take that to mean accept OW as stepmom.

But of course, his narrative is that the kids dislike him and refuse to talk to him because of the evil Magneto.

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Our daughter today texted stbx to stop texting her – she does not miss him.

He texted back: “Is that all you got?” So soulless and childish.

She was crying saying what an asshole he is. He played the alienation card. It’s like, no – that’s all your doing dummy.

He sent her a card for her birthday. No present. No present last Christmas as she ‘hurt his feelings’ telling him she didn’t like what he did to us and she doesn’t like his girlfriend (we are still married as he is stalling the final signing just to be vindictive). Her world was destroyed, but don’t ‘hurt his feelings.’

One night he told me, “I always come home to you.” I was like, oh great…… Writing on the wall. So glad he’s gone.

I’d be better off with an ice cube.

Thebestme
Thebestme
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Wow we were married to the same asshat! Actually told me after DDay “oh well I never really wanted kids anyway, my relationship was better with them than I had imagined while we were married, so I am ok if they do not talk to me.”

Now he is whining about how I managed to alienate them.

Stigofthechump
Stigofthechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Thebestme

I am speechless. He has an IceCube where his heart (and brain) should be.

Lania
Lania
6 years ago
Reply to  Stigofthechump

No he doesn’t, because ice cubes actually do have some use!

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  Thebestme

Tools, every one of them. Nothing but gigantic scum sucking tools.

We are so much better off without them.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Holy moley magento. We literally have the same story. They are bastards because they enjoy ruining things not just for their spouse but also for their kids. That is what makes me really really hate him. It was totally unneeded and cruel.
And i also got blamed. But kids have a way of putting two and two together. Especially if they are in high school.
I hate what they realize though. I hate him for taking away their innocence. Bastard.

Suzanne
Suzanne
6 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Exactly how it’s played out for me. Our kids (MY kids now, I guess) have nothing to do with him or his enabling parents. Must be my fault because he eventually (3 years later) semi-apologized (insincerely) but never acknowledged fucking up their senior years, graduation, nor did he contribute once his forced payment of child support was over and done with. Even though I’m at meh and preparing to get married, I will always hate him.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Oh, Peacekeeper–as if you aren’t worthy of love purely because you are you.

(Your H makes me nauseous and I don’t even know him.)

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

❤️~Tempest,
Your kindness to me never goes unnoticed.
Thank You!

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Yeah…..

The only thing is when I signed up for being married I signed up for not just the heart but fidelity too.

It wasn’t this “here have some hand-drawn facsimile of my heart while my dick goes in the sharing circle” arrangement.

I truly believe that where ones Dick, dime and time goes is where ones heart ends up anyway. Best to keep them all going to the same place.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

That last line is exactly why I was never ok with the idea of ex having an affair even if it would have been “just sex”. In fact I get the impression that is what he was seeking when he first started to stray but then he fell for number 2. Either way he failed to protect his marriage and his heart. He threw his heart into a cesspool and since mine was tied to his mine got dragged in too. I am still in the process of extracting mine.

Lania
Lania
6 years ago

Sex is one of the most sacred gifts you can give to someone – it’s not something that should be given out to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

The fact that gift was given to someone else not yourself? Instant dealbreaker – do not pass Go, do not collect $200.

This also extends to priorities involving yourself and other people outside the marriage – that is also a dealbreaker. It’s about loyalty to your spouse/partner, no matter what. And these fuckers don’t respect that at all.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

Great quote. My experience has also been where’s their d–k, dime and time goes their heart goes. Hence, I am alone.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

They don’t have “hearts” as you think of that concept.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Lola, Lania, and LAJ,

Thank you for writing and reminding me that I have many friends here.

I am working on developing a deep enduring friendship–with me.

Lania
Lania
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

You’re welcome.

Sometimes we just need a reminder (or a swift kick up the behind if you’re so inclined) to realise some things.

They are scumbags of the highest order and they will never amount to anything worthwhile. Oh yes, they parade around like they are king shithead, but they are merely trying to convince their empty selves that they are.

Lania
Lania
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

You’re not alone.

Even if you had nobody in real life – you have us.

And even if you had nobody, you yourself have a far more authentic, honest and loyal life than the poisonous fuckwits who tried to trample you. They tried to conquer you – but you fought back and told them to fuck off (if you hadn’t, you wouldn’t be here today talking with us). That there in itself is mighty.

Those bastards were wired wrong from birth and no amount of help will fix them.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  Lania

That^^^^^^^

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

No you’re not. You have all of us, plus your kids, plus there are a bunch of people around you who would probably love to be your friend – genuine friend, or at least acquaintance.

Give the rest of us a chance! Loneliness is not solved by having one other person, but by having lots.

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Yeah I got that one too.

Nice to know how much he cared about his children’s stability too.

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
6 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Oh wow @peacekeeper, that was said to me too (and I took it to mean there was always hope that he could love me wholly once he would just figure out how much I was devoted to him too). Looking back, I feel like once I became a mother to his children (he said that was attracted him most to me – he knew I’d be a great mom), I lost my usefulness as a partner in my own right. From that point on, the flirtations, EAs and PAs ensued.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

What? And I’ve always found your small dick as a Summers Eves sample! ( love a 2for 1 sale)

Chumpedelic
Chumpedelic
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Makes me think of Henry VIII!

Geode
Geode
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpedelic

This is a great Friday challenge.

Card Outside: “Without you and three months of sex addiction therapy…”

Card Inside: “I might still be fucking prostitutes”

SlowLearnerChump
SlowLearnerChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

I would create a card with a scholarly looking elderly Asian man on the front.

The message inside would read:

Confucius say that
Limp dick not a problem if
Money three bags full.

Happy Anniversary, pr*ck!

Geode
Geode
6 years ago

I don’t know what that means but it’s hilarious!
????????????

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago

Ha ha!! I just metaphorically clutched my pearls.

Sorry it’s your anniversary, SLC. Hope it went by without too much fanfare or pain.

honeyandthehomewrecker
honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  Geode

Geode: That’s romantic as hell.

What subsection will this card be found under? They’ll have to make new tabs for the store displays. You know how now they have things like ‘Birthday from Kids’ and ‘Mother’s Day Religious’? They’ll need to add ‘Gaslighting’ and ‘Half-Assed Adultery Apologies’. However, your card will be found squarely under ‘Thank You: Ironic”.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago

Honeyandthehomewrecker, I would suggest that the new Mother’s Day section be entitled: Adulterous Ex’s: Impression Management

Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Friday challenge? Hallmark cards that should be a thing.

‘Thanks for the the frito casseroles and the parking spot for my progeny.’

Outside of card: ‘Love: what does it mean?’ Inside of card: ‘No, really. Can someone explain this? I do not understand what love means.’

Outside of card: ‘What are you freaking out about?’ Inside of card: ‘It was just the tip.’

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I would give him one right back—“I found your penis useful—at least twice????

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I like that Newlady. And I’d add “though I have had better since.”

MissDeltaGirl
MissDeltaGirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

Bwahaha

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

I think in some weird ways you become their mother too, as they never had one
Gross, just gross

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Ex accused me of “mothering him”. I didn’t mean to. I thought I was showing love and affection but evidently I wasn’t doing it right.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

@Let it Snow — this! Exactly! X’s mother is the worst narcissist-BPD person I’ve ever known who laughingly talked about how much he resented X and his needs from the moment he was born. Evil bitch. She always resented our kids too and they HATE her and refuse to have anything to do with her.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago

Aww. Now that’s true love. After all those women he screws, still goes home to the one he loves. He truly is Prince Charming. All those fairytales we heard growing up had it all wrong.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  ImAPhool

Yeah, home is where his dick rests. “I no longer need porn”,he exclaimed with a grin.

Let me tell you if THAT was the best lover (loser) she ever had she’s a bigger liar than his dick is small.

It cracks me up to think he has to ask if it’s in. The biggest conundrum she faces is wondering if it’s actually in while faking an orgasm. Yes, dear it was wonderful.

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

Cheater Ex-
King of compartmentalization- I can sleep with you and her- after all, you’re still my wife… I’m not doing anything wrong.

chumpluscious
chumpluscious
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

I said to him “I bet you haven’t told your girlfriend that you are having sex with me” and he said “I can have sex with my wife if I want”. WTF?????

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpluscious

SHES not the boss of me either. hum

chumpluscious
chumpluscious
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpluscious

I was dumb as a bag of nails for having sex with him (pick me dance).

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

I got “I only can get ‘hard’ with you” – um, thanks? At the first go-round of pick-me dancing, I thought “oh then that means I must be his one true love”. I should’ve know that the Viagra that came into this house (without a word) meant something last summer.

NotAgain
NotAgain
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

Gee how nice of him.

I got similar “When I was kissing and making out with her I didn’t even get hard. Not even a little bit. That means something right?”

Sure. It means you’re a jerk knowingly cheating on your wife and kids with a married howorker.

It matters that you lied directly to your wife’s face about what you were doing and who you were actually with for years all while discarding her during the worst time of her life being chronically sick due to undiagnosed genetic conditions.

Gee thanks so much!

Recently I got “I’m a nice guy because I buy you food at the grocery store.”. I’d love to put that through the UBT. I’m trying not to look disparaged.

oldcrone
oldcrone
6 years ago
Reply to  NotAgain

I got something similar – “when I was giving them (men from Craigslist) oral sex, I did not get an erection”. Wow, so that’s why you had sex with strangers without using protection. Everyone knows that you can’t get any STDs from sex with strange men if you don’t have an erection!?! Now I guess I DON’T need the testing my doctor suggested I have!?! Fuck you, you entitled jerk. You gave me numerous sexually transmitted diseases over the years we were (I was) married. There are over 30 STDs out there according to my doctor, but there are only tests for 8 of them. I don’t feel safe knowing what I was potentially exposed to over the 44 years we were together. The LEAST he could have done was use a condom. And that alone is reason enough to end this charade of a marriage.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  oldcrone

oldcrone, I am truly sorry for what you endured. My husband gave me herpes. I was diagnosed when our daughter was 1 year old and my son 4 years old. I was tandem nursing them both when I found out. This is what ‘Wreckonciliation’ gives you 2 years after his affair with the Ho-worker? All your forgiveness, tears, emotional hell but staying married to preserve the family, right? Today, my son is 22 and my daughter 19. I put up with more of his shit only to discover that he had been fucking a 28 year- old prostitute and a 40 year old prostitute last year. Having to get yourself checked for STDs on 3 separate discoveries over the course of a 26 years of marriage? NOPE! I was done. Gone Black rock and Grey rock on him since August 2017. I am DONE with him. Please take care of yourself. May God bless you and give you a good life.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

Kibbled Again-
Your comment reminded me of Douchebag McGee’s statement to me, “sex with her is fun and energetic but I cannot finish because I am thinking about you. I tell her it’s my meds but it’s because of you”. While I was still playing the pick me dance I actually thought that that meant something. He’s thinking about me during sex, he loves me. Disgusting now when I think about it. Who says that?

lemonbirch
lemonbirch
6 years ago

CheaterPrick says that. To quote: Why is it that I can’t climax with anybody but you?

What I think: Why the fuck are you speaking to me about your orgasms + HaHa bastard, serves you right + Who the fuck says “climax” when they mean “come”?

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

And in my house, it was changed to Cialis…again, no words!

ironhardempress
ironhardempress
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

WOW ^^^ !!! What planet did he come from?

Pret
Pret
6 years ago

This is the guy who’s going to fly 900+ miles to come and see his only child for Father’s Day because HE is her father…. meanwhile he practically ignores her the other 364 days of the year. Well to be fair… he calls her once a week and talks for 2 minutes at most…. give the guy his World’s Greatest Dad prize now please….He’s the King of Planet “Fucked Up Disordered Asshole”

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
6 years ago

Whatever planet that is let’s send all these fucktards there.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

Other stupid shot cheaters say…

I want you to love and accept me for who I am, flaws and all.

Uh, well if I knew I was signing up for a marriage with a porn crazed, Misogynistic, entitled cheater, I would have likely opted to skip the marriage and not fall in love.

Flaws! I love flaws! If I was married to perfection (which ironically fuckface’s superiority complex implied) I might as well have thrown in the towel because I couldn’t measure up. Oh wait, that was his narrative was throughout our marriage.

What he actually wanted was a robot with no opinions of her own, no one to call him out on his shit, no one to challenge the promise he made to fidelity. That’s not accepting flaws, that’s putting up with abuse.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Gotabrain your comment on them wanting a robot with no opinion who will never challenge them is so true. ow sent x text messages that said “ you told me to trust you always and I do. You told me not to question you and I don’t”. x basically wanted a hero worshipping slave.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

My cheater tried for years to get me to throw him out (but I was smoking hopium).

One day I told him that he had reach my end with his emotionally violent rages and when I told him I could not accept him “as he was” (rages and all) he was nearly giddy…he saw his long awaited opportunity of “My wife threw me out, what was I to do?” as coming soon.

That split second memory of his smirk and momentary glee over learning I might dump him makes me incredulous…he and I never ever had the same definition of marriage.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Unicornnomore,
Sometimes I felt as though my ex-boyfriend, Mr. Calm Nice Guy Best Man at Everbody’s Wedding Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, was ’emotionally violent.’ I thought those exact words as he sometimes out of the blue tore me apart. A bit like a jumbo jet crashing into your house and impaling you while you’re minding your own business (watching TV, reading, cooking). It is the strangest sensation I’ve experienced in half a century.

Bel
Bel
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I’m gonna take a guess that A LOT of our exes have some Dark Triad traits about them…evil is the only word I have.

Chumpawumpa
Chumpawumpa
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Yep. It’s a thing. He wouldn’t tear into me while I was ready for it. I would be doing something I love or kindly offering something and then get blindsided, absolutely disoriented and speechless by an attack on my character. Such a cheap but easy way to screw someone up. My saving grace was that he left the country for 4 weeks and I realized how much better I felt when he wasn’t around.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpawumpa

I got to the point where I could anticipate many (not all) of the things that would set him off. I would try to avoid those conditions but there were so many I couldn’t avoid all of them all of the time., Often it involved the kids behavior and I would end up being a tyrant trying to keep the kids in line so that he wouldn’t be upset over whatever they were doing when he got home. I was routinely blamed for their imperfections as well as my own.

Chumplanta
Chumplanta
6 years ago

This type of accommodation was my constant companion. At one point, I realized that I was enabling the shit out of him. I actually instituted a weekly meeting with each kid when they were in high school so he would only yell at them in disappointment over their B’s one day a week.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I am ashamed to admit that this still happens sometimes. The other day the youngest wanted to play an online game with one of his friends. I told him he could have 30 min but he needed to be off before his Dad came to get him. I was doing chores and lost track of time. Of course youngest wasn’t off yet when ex showed up. Ex looks disgustedly at me and says “are there no rules about screens in this house?” Instead of telling him to mind his own business I fell into the old habit of trying to defend myself. “of course there are, I only gave him 30 min”. Why do I still care what he thinks?

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
6 years ago

Mighterthanhethought – We have the same ex. I turned into a Banshee yeller. Happy to say I’m all better now. But stbx had turned our daughter against me and she was almost downright nasty to me – it freaked me out. He told me I was pushing her away. Well, daughter and I are so much better. Now she doesn’t want to see him because he’s an asshole. I am no contact even as he does mean tricky things through his weird nasty lawyer stalling, etc. I know it’s driving him crazy. He is now directing his narc behavior at our daughter and she is like what is wrong with him – he won’t stop being a dick. Now HE has pushed her away. She hasn’t wanted to see him for months. He is pathetic at trying to be her dad. And she is disgusted. Just like with my first narc mental husband (yep, I did it a second time – no more men for me. Just pets) – when I stopped reacting and got calm – their crazy comes out big time.

Mightierthanhethought
Mightierthanhethought
6 years ago

Oh I hear you on all levels Chumpinrecovery. Once in my own house (of peace and tranquillity), I was so much calmer, however when my 11 year old said “Mum, you haven’t raised your voice at me all week!”, I was happy and heartbroken all at the same time. Why did I allow him to make me become Banshee yelling mother, and still somehow fall into the trap of justifying myself even though we are divorced. I am no contact as much as possible, which he just can’t cope with. So he has redirected his narcissistic behaviour toward his 17 year old daughter, as she isn’t playing the happy accepting daughter and therefore ruining his fairytale engagement to his ho-worker.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Conditioning over the years. It takes awhile to change a habit.
Please be kind to yourself. (I know what it’s like to spend many years with an abuser or two or more.) You deserve the gift of loving kindness.

Gentle reader
Gentle reader
6 years ago

Why let him in the house? Have him wait in the car. He has no business saying anything to you. You should not have to be fighting with him.

Let go
Let go
6 years ago

Just say, “Fuck off”. It absolutely is the only reaction you should ever give him unless you give him silence. Don’t let him goad you. He is an expert.

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
6 years ago

I would have said, “ did I ask for your fuckin’ opinion? Why NO, I didn’t! Now go wait in the fuckin’ car!

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

That weird giddiness is repulsive. A normal person would just leave!!! I swear its like they are all programmed to avoid detection at all costs. I just imagine they are always thinking mulst not be the bad one.
I experienced this.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Yeah, my ex-boyfriend said progressively more outrageous, insulting, hurtful things over time. I think that he was trying to get me to pull the trigger on our relationship to help assuage his guilt over discarding me. I should have pulled the trigger instead of waiting for him to insult me even more and act giddy about discarding me for my replacement.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

The only thing holding my X back from wanting me to throw him out (he clearly didn’t want to be married to me by the end), was (a) child support and (b) his 401K. The 9 months prior to D-day were so horrific, I now see he was willing to force me into a nervous breakdown rather than pay me any marital money.

Pret
Pret
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Mine gave me permission to take child out of state if I didn’t touch his 401 K…

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Such an asshole.

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Pret

Wow, that is so sickening! I hope your child is old enough to know and understand this!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
These ‘spouses’ are evil.

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Ok your second post @unicornnomore has me convinced we were married to the same man. What cowards. Even now I can’t wait till he has to tell me who his AP is (I know her true identity already) – he will try to integrate her into our kids lives – I’ve got good money on it that he can’t even muster the courage to do that.

Chumpawumpa
Chumpawumpa
6 years ago
Reply to  Kibbled Again

The whole last year in which I thought we were working on things? All of it was just an attempt to bait me into a storyline that kept him the victim. Blows my mind that an individual will waste a whole year of life on a personal PR campaign. He kept waiting for me to turn into a bitch. One time when I was asking why did he did something horrible, he asked, “Doesn’t that make you **and with so much glee in his voice** MAAAD at me?” In true chump fashion, I just said, “No, it just hurts. Why are you doing this?” I remember the look of exasperation on his face that he could not turn me into a mean person he could point at and easily label “bitch who deserved to be left.”

JC
JC
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

This is him calling your bluff–you say his cheating is unacceptable, and his response is to claim you don’t love him when you consider his flaws.

My ex did the same. She said that she was “being her real self” and I needed to accept that and love her for who she is.

I accepted it, all the way to the couthouse, through the divorce, and to this day. But love her for it? No.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

THIS^^^ I accept that Mr. Sparkles is a pathological lying bisexual whore. I don’t judge. But, I also don’t stay married to it/him.

My heart only twitches a little now for the new GF who just sunk her life savings into a house with him after only 18 months of “knowing” him. But, not my monkey – not my circus.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Also, accepting is not equivalent to tolerating. I accept that my ex needs to be a cheater because that’s the nature of his character. I get that he is entitled to his own opinion of his deceit, his attachment to a constant stream of novelty, and his entitlement in general. That doesn’t mean I have to tolerate that behavior in my own life. So, I don’t.

Even when love is unconditional (which is it’s own topic), relationships still need conditions. Marriages aren’t an exception to that rule, especially when a person lies about what s/he will offer in the relationship.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
6 years ago

Response: We must have incompatible definitions of love! Mine does not include soul raping my spouse.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago

DM
^^^^this! Going into my badassery quotes notebook.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

Yes, DM, this.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago

These freaks really believe they can somehow suspend the inevitability of consequences by telling you this garbage. Why else tell you they are still in love with you while they are living with some whore they are also madly in love with. Emphasis on the madly part.
I had broken up with boyfriends and i didn’t continue to tell them i was still in love with them when i was with someone else. I mean,why would i? That is seriously f#cked up.
What these people do is truly evil. Playing with someones heart for your own monetary reasons is deserving of a one way ticket straight to hell.

crushedfifi
crushedfifi
6 years ago

Even tho I am now cheater free – he still tells me he loves me. He did it while he was in a full blown relationship. (That I found out later during what he told me was a “break” for us- didn’t know he had started dating) also he can tell me he loves me in one sentence and then 5 mins later tell me that I’m _______ and _______. (Fill in the blank of some manipulative put down words but usually along the lines of what a bad person I am.

Stacy T
Stacy T
6 years ago
Reply to  crushedfifi

My ex-husband continued to tell me that he loved me on a regular basis until I found out he was marrying one of the mistresses (#7 for all that I know, she could be #17 on the list of OW.)

And I found out that he was getting married because I Googled his name, not because he told me.

The good news is that I got the closure that I needed, finally.

Meg
Meg
6 years ago
Reply to  Stacy T

They don’t know what love is. It’s jusr a word, not an action!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  crushedfifi

My boyfriend told me, ‘I love you’ half an hour after he told me, ‘I don’t see you in my future.’ Half a day later, he told me that I could hang around him if I didn’t expect any ‘lovey dovey’ (weird to hear a middle-aged man talk that way). I still feel confused by the mind f–kery. Is he mentally ill. Does he really think that I would believe that he loved me? Was he lying to himself, impulsively spewing verbal diarrhea to deal with his own cognitive dissonance? I have no idea.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Eh, don’t untangle the skein. He’s unkind. He’s cruel. He was a fake friend. And he’s a manipulative jackass. Not near good enough for you or your kids.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Mandie, Chumpawumpa, Leaving, and LAJ,
Thank you for your support. Sounds as though you’ve experienced very similar.
LAJ, although my ex-boyfriend sometimes took kids out with us and occasionally bought them gifts, I don’t think that he was good enough for my kids. He once told me that he wasn’t around for kids, that he was around for me. I tjouhh that that was a really strange statement. When he discarded me for the last time, he mentioned some activity I was doing with the kids but seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he was leaving not only me but Los the kids–almost as if they didn’t exist or weee just an impediment to his happiness. And this was the guy who I thought would counterbalance the monster (father of my children) I married. I thought that my ex-boyfriend would be a great role model of how to be a not only ‘successful,’ educated, diligent man, but also an honorable one. Boy was I wrong! At least I’ve shown my kids who NOT to choose (not that I’m perfect, but for decades I have tried to treat all other sentient beings well).

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Probably didn’t help that although my ex-boyfriend had wanted to become a father, st close to fifty he said he hadn’t had any and didn’t think.that he ever would at his advanced paternal age (afraid of birth defects and didn’t want to have to delay early retirement to support offspring). So although he had godchildren and nephews of whom he seemed fond, I don’t think he fully ‘got’ parenthood.

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Rockstarwife i know how horrible it is. I’m sure you truly loved him and couldn’t imagine that anyone,especially him, could be so cruel.
I felt that way 100%. That’s what made it so traumatic for me.
I really do think these people are completely deranged. When i look back i see how dark he was inside. There was a cruelty to him that was always right below the surface. And once he found someone else he had no reason to hide it like he had for years!!! I became a target. He had nothing to lose. Its so hard to realize all these things. But it wasn’t you . we really are too good for these creatures.

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Mine would flip flop alot. One day he said he just says whatever to see what sticks. Gotta love’em.
He’d blast me off then message late to say he thinks we need to make it work ‘for the children’ . I knew the routine. Typical abuser behavior cycle. Lest we forget that we are dealing with abuse. Because in most cases it’s not physical doesn’t mean the abuse cycle does not occur.

Chumpawumpa
Chumpawumpa
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

They have convinced themselves that it is a privilege for you to be involved in their life in any way. They still believe their mama’s BS. I got a similar line when I wanted to talk about developing emotional depth: “Can’t you keep your heart involved but leave mine alone?” Ugh.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago

It’s just ONE MORE manipulation.
he can make ME a sandwich.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

Well, I guess if it really is “my” heart, I’ll be within my rights to rip it still beating from his chest, smile smugly, wipe my ass with it, throw it down the garbage disposal and then ask what’s for dinner–I mean after all, he had mine and that’s what he did with it.

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Jojobee…. great minds think alike! I am still laughing at that one… I know this is childish and petty but so what… I spit on the dickslingers car just about everyday.. He loves his vehicles more than me and the kids.. I have also used his toothbrush to clean the bathroom…he doesn’t do toilets.. that’s my job… but I would love to wipe my ass with that shriveled blackened mass he calls a heart…!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

This makes me happy for you. Sometimes petty is what we got. Meh is great I hear, but all I can really manage to this day is a kind of gallows humor and not actively seeking revenge…

Whiteybird The Rooster
Whiteybird The Rooster
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

word!

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Johobee,
Thanks for making me laugh (in sympathy), something I rarely do these days.

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Hilarious – but sadly true – I once described betrayal as akin to having my heart ripped out of my chest without anesthesia

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Great imagery, Jojobee. It is an accurate way to capture the effects of betrayal on a loyal, loving spouse. Enemies can’t hit that hard because they aren’t close enough. Cheaters are soulless.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

Rhys and I were curled up in bed, and I was half-jokingly being possessive, i.e. “You’re mine, you know that?” and being extra kissy – and he said “You have my heart too.”

In a rare moment of lucidity, I said, “That last part really isn’t up to me, is it?”

…blech.

Blee
Blee
6 years ago

“My heart needs a sandwich. Be a dear…”

Hmmm –

Do you want a plain ‘shit sandwich’ or
A ‘shit sandwich with mayo’ or
A ‘shit sandwich with pickles and mayo’ or
A ‘shit sandwich with the works and a side serve of divorce papers’

Blee
Blee
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

And a cold beer to wash it all down

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  Blee

More like piss warm….

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
6 years ago
Reply to  Golfgrrl

I suggest a glass of warm piss

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

Pretty sure cheaters get it backwards: in love, you carry the heart of your beloved within you – and protect your beloved’s heart at all costs.
Instead, cheaters “give their heart” (and sperm) to others …..
Maybe the fact that cheaters are “heartless” is the root cause of this confusion

left him at the airport
left him at the airport
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Ooooh, nicely said, TiredChump ????????

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago

Translation: “This is my pathetic, last gasp attempt to have you not think ill of me and/or expose me as a selfish invertebrate.”

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

UX

We are talking serious mental health issues with KK. She doesn’t need you to expose her; she does it all by herself.

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
6 years ago

Perhaps a distant cousin to “You will never know how much I love you.”

Dance everyone! Dance for my awesomeness!

Survivor
Survivor
6 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

“You were always the only one for me.”

Dude, I can count.

oldcrone
oldcrone
6 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

????????????????

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

Haha, what’s the magic number?

Love that line!

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

One of my cheater’s top 10 lines; after leaving me, wife of 30-plus years for his ho-worker (28 years old) and having actively lied to me for 2 years – making me feel crazy about my suspicions.

“If you don’t think I still love you – then you don’t even know me.”

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

This is so triggering, I heard so many of these types of lines after the truth came forward and he dropped the whore
Doesn’t really MATTER what he said to me after that, more lies
This line goes in the category with “it was a slippery slope” and “ I made a mistake”
When I didn’t buy it, he raged with “ you can’t put my dick in your purse!”
Now there’s the truth
Like living with a 16 yo boy

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

On the topic of dicks in purses ( and I can’t believe the shite we post here from these people) , mine sent me a pic of of male chastity belt. Translation: the only way I’m going to tame this ‘bad’ boy is with a lock and key.
I thought about encouraging him to get it, locking it and hiding the key.

Instead I sent him on his merry way!

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

Mine sent me a video of him masturbating. We mediated so that didn’t go into evidence during a trial….I was kind of looking forward to it as he said I stalked him (thus the bogus restraining order)…..do you normally send masturbation videos to someone that is stalking you? Or maybe that is why I started stalking him? Because of that masturbation video. Must…..have……masturbating man with penis…… ahhhhh, Douchebag McGee did some ridiculous shit.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago

Lost220#Deadweight, that masturbation video is exactly why your ex mediated. His attorney likely learned about it through Discovery and said, uh…you are going to want to mediate this divorce- or look like a liar in trial.

BlueChumparoo
BlueChumparoo
6 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Letitsnow! OMG! “you can’t put my dick in your purse”?! WTabsoluteF?
That is so inviting and enticing!
Oh how I would have loved to put his old half-cocked dick in my purse, drive it to the nearest cemetery and bury it!
Of course IN the purse….cuz….evidence…..

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Letitsnow,
I heard similar (‘I made a mistake’ but no true apology.)
Unfortunately, hiding our legitimate relationship from other women for years was no mistake on his part. Wish I had realized at the beginning–I wouldn’t have wasted my money, my time, my body, and my heart on this undeserving, opportunistic manipulator.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

There is zero reason to hide a relationship. Unless there is another relationship going on at the same time that you don’t know about.

David2016
David2016
6 years ago

I’ve posted this pleasant little episode before because it illustrates so many horrific cheater traits and scripts, but here it is again:

She got pregnant. We agonized over keeping it or terminating. (We already had two.) We terminated. I stayed with her before, during and after, cried with her, took care of her, grieved…

A year later after her affair was busted, she told me the baby was probably the OM’s and he was “really angry” at her decision.

Her manner dripping with a scary combo of self-pity and arrogance, she said, “You see how much I love you? You see what sacrifices I make for you?”

I was staggered. More at her attitude and words than the fact that it was not my child. If that makes sense. I Filed not long after. She’s still with the OM: broke off their engagement, no baby with him, and she’s miserable.

I’m not.

Hope49
Hope49
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

David2016,

Wow…you dodged a bullet for sure. I am glad you have your two children and got the HELL out of the marriage immediately. Dang…

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Cruel Bitch
Sorry you went through this David
Become invisible…

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

What a MONSTER.

Chumpawumpa
Chumpawumpa
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

I think all of us who have been in relationship with the personality disordered have one of those big eye-popping memories where the asshole turns to us with complete certainty that we should be thankful to them for doing/not doing some heinous thing. While I was crying horrified about his heartlessness, my ex calmly said to me, “Hey, some guys marry and have kids with you before we’re like this. I didn’t do that to you.” Well, yes, THANK YOU.

BlueChumparoo
BlueChumparoo
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

That is simply cruel. No other reason to unload that “truth” that can never be proven. She SUCKS! I’m delighted she is miserable and you are not, warms my heart.

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

First time hearing – worst story ever – unfathomable and psychologically sick behavior

Kibbled Again
Kibbled Again
6 years ago
Reply to  David2016

Jeebus.

Dianne
Dianne
6 years ago

Here is another variation: as he was packing to leave, he threw one of his fits, on his knees, groveling on the floor, pretend crying, screaming, “I am a terrible man and a terrible person! I always have been and will be until the day I die! Without YOU, I have nooo hope of goodness!! You are my goodness! You are my heart!!!”

I prodded him with my toe and told him to GO.

Translation: I am old and need you to continue to cover for me and let me hide behind your goodness!! Without you, everyone can see what a POS I really am!! Hide me! Hide me!!

I did not have his heart because he did not have one. I WAS his heart. I chuckle at his last hurrah.

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  Dianne

I think for many of them we are indeed their “hearts”. Or important evidence of a heart. Many cheaters are essentially Siamese twins internally. Two distinct personalities, the cheater and the aspirational self, coexisting in one body, and unlike some dissociative identity disorder, each identity is fully aware of the other and yet not burdened by any sense of self contradiction. Just as one Siamese twin wouldn’t be contradicted by the varying identity of the other. So used to each other the duality-in-one is simply a given. When push comes to shove the cheater is the dominant power, but day to day life goes easier with some degree of the false-aspirational self presenting its presentation. But they believe they “are” this false aspirational self too when they are in it. In the moment, as the aspirational self tells its tales, they are that person and they believe what that person is saying, even as the other Siamese twin knows that it’s a lie or at least an effective cover for its lies. And for that aspirational twin we are a central piece of evidence that justifies their belief that they are real. They need to believe this. They need others to believe this. And they need to maintain its existence. But it is just a construct. It can go on for decades, but it has no durability or depth. It holds no sway in determining what’s meaningful or true or important. These things are the purview of the other twin. The one that’s real. When we deliver consequences, and treat them as a whole, accountable for all its actions, instead of simply as the good twin, they can’t endure the forced de-compartmentalization. To accept this would mean to them something they already know but don’t ever accept: they aren’t the aspirational self. They don’t get to be the aspirational self. You can’t be X when you are -X. This realization would be like a supposed Siamese twin realizing it actually isn’t a Siamese twin, but instead it is a pathetic shriveled weakling holding tightly onto an attractive mannequin which it holds out before itself to the world. An existential crisis. For most of them. The really extremely sick ones, don’t seek to believe in the aspirational self that they put out to the world. They know fully what they really are and like it.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Genius TKO

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

And the evil ones know that aspirational self is a tool to use to manipulate people.

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

And hence their expertise at compartmentalizing. So they can avoid the cognitive dissonance of realizing they can’t be the aspirational self (their ideas of who they would like to think they are and tell us they are) and the real self (as defined by their acts). Words vs. actions, once again.

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Thank you TKO. That so reflects my experience. I married two different men and the hidden one was so well hidden for 33 years. When I “met” this other person, he proudly shared stories that were devastating. He was proud that despite all the other women, he never left me. That made him a “good” man in his eyes.

Getting there
Getting there
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

This is absolutely brilliant.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  TKO

Wow, extremely well-said, TKO. I believe this is true for a certain subset of these a-holes, my ex included. We were their “proof” to themselves that they were really, deep down inside, actually good people, no matter what their secret behavior. They practice a kind of amalgam of denial and image management even within their own heads, and we are important in maintaining their ability to do that.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

I, for one, am glad that I am no longer there to do that!

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Dianne

I like this idea that we chumps give the cheaters our very own oversized hearts – and our associated “chumpy” goodness – and then mistakenly think our betrayers/ bots have their own ability to love/empathize/feel and connect. It’s really just a projection

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

I tried to love for both of us–and discovered that that doesn’t, can’t, work.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

Looking back, I see so clearly that Mr. Sparkles saying “I love you” (which he rarely said, but wrote feverishly in hallmark cards to give me some kibbles)… he was really saying:

I love who I am when I’m with you.

I love how you look at me with love and crave me.

I love how you take care of everything and make me look normal to the outside world.

I love that you keep taking me back and accepting my abuse (now about that sandwich)

You have my heart until you catch me. Then, I just pretend you have it until I have a new victim and all my ducks in a row and discard you in the most brutal way possible.

Don’t need it that bad 🙂

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago

Well said. My ex-husband and ex-boyfriend did that until they brutally discarded me. My ex-boyfriend didn’t love me; he loved my adoration of him, the fact that unlike his adulterous abusive ex-wife, who he worshiped, I adored him and bent over backward for him–kibble.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

I believed Jackass’s XW was adulterous and abusive because he said so, right up to the moment I realized that he was doing those things to me. He was projecting his own actions onto her. I don’t know her, but I do know that he lies. So she gets the benefit of the doubt. So your XBF’s wife may or may not be those things. And his apparent “worship” of her is a very effective way of avoiding intimacy–real, emotional intimacy–with you. I see you getting stronger, day by day, and as you learn how dangerous it is to see the world through the BF’s eyes, you’ll get even stronger.

And boy, howdy, this is a great reason not to “worship” or “adore” anyone. People aren’t gods. A relationship between equals can be about love, “like,” respect, admire, trust…but not worship.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LAJ,
My ex-husband also told me that his ex-wife cheated on him. Sucker that I was, for over a decade, I believed that he wa the wronged party. I later found out that he had at least one (gay) affair while with her. I seriously starting to question a lot of what my ex-boyfriend told me about his intimate relationships. Yeah, I met him 30 years earlier amdxwould socialize with him sometimes over the years, but I didn’t know what went on behind closed doors…I sometimes wonder if both he and his ex-wife mistreated each other. I also wonder based on things he sometimes said to me, if he transferred his anger toward her onto me (the mad at your boss but afraid to retaliate against boss so kick the dog at home phenomenon). He even alluded to that type of thought process to some degree.

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
6 years ago

The Worm’s go to lines were “But I come home every night” and “I put money in the bank every two weeks”…….
In his mind, those things absolved him of his bad behavior, beating the crap out of me, giving me an std and cheating with multiple howorkers.
Flash forward to his first settlement payment, he gives me an extra $500.
I know he’s thinking that it makes everything all better and I will come skipping back to him but it’s not going to happen…..ever.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

The female versions of that (at least the ones I heard from KK) were:

“But I gave birth to your children!”
“But I raised your children!” (as if I was nowhere to be found for 15 years)
“But I supported you when you got your master’s degree!” (this despite the fact that we made no lifestyle changes to accommodate it — my job paid for the degree through reimbursement, and she remained a stay-at-home mom)

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree2017

I feel like mine threw me off a cliff (at Schmoopie’s request). The kids were attached to me so they went over the edge too. Now he is paying the medical bills and visiting the kids in the hospital so he thinks that makes it all ok. No, it doesn’t make it all ok. I would rather have him admit to behaving badly and take responsibility for that than have his $. It won’t ever happen, however, because that would require humility.

bostonirisher
bostonirisher
6 years ago

Yup.. Just last week, I was told:
“It was just sex. I love you. You, my dear, do not know the difference between sex and love.
You are my anchor. I only love you.”

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  bostonirisher

Nothing a weighted vest won’t cure.

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  bostonirisher

Reply:

It was just evil. You my dear, do not know the difference between love and evil.

—————-
This is like the evil of a child abuser. One who not only terrorizes and harms the innocent, but then tells them that their harm is “love”.

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago

After the Affair has this passage where one of the spouses is making the other breakfast and it says something in the vein of “setting up rituals like these, the mundane, shows true intimacy and knowing someone possibly more than the physical ever could.”

It felt so insulting, enraging.

I just thought “fuck This, I’ll fry myself an egg.” You know, A&W does breakfast too. I don’t feel particularly “intimately attached to them because they would get the toast just right.

I hate how the physical has been so tainted that these RIC bastards try to sub in whatever straw they can grasp at to say “the real relationship is behind Door number 2, it’s not the whole sexual intimacy / being able to trust thing you thought it was.”

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

The thing about getting back with these freaks is they are so good at faking intimacy. It does seem real and normal. To normal people. But it *never* is real with them. Because they do not bond the same. They do not possess the ability to. Genetically and physically they are different and respond in different ways.

Langele
Langele
6 years ago

Genetically.
I have also drawn this conclusion.

Kar marie
Kar marie
6 years ago

Asswioe…….I still love you but its 80 percent guilt 20 percent love.

Me……yep and maybe this fast food hamburger you brought me is 20 percent beef.

Asswipe….i wish i could combine you both into one women.

Me…..really? Are we living in the matrix or something.

Asswipe complete with sadz face and sadz sighing….i can not believe how little you think of me my feelings are so hurt!

Me after falling on the floor in hysterical laughter could only sputter……seriously? Your feelings? First time in 30 years he said his feelings were hurt. I say…..news flash pal you have no feelings!!

Yes there is life on the other side. 5 years out 2 years divorced hours away my own little home the way i want it. Im not a super girly girl but very femenine i dont have to worry about nutural gender decorating i have a pink bathroom! Oooo la la! Everything different so no triggers. My own of my choice car and flaming yellow color! My home my way dont need anyones permission or held back. Money a bit tight but i am free to be me!!!!! Almost at meh! It feels damn good. To newbies its a long road but you will get there. A better paying job and my life would would be better. But it was better the day i left that fucking pod in my dust!!

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

KM so great to see you here.
You helped me so much over the last 3 years.
Thank you
LIS

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Yup, life on the other side.

Occasionally, I shake my head and can’t inagine what I was thinking.

Nice job KM! You deserve peace.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

KM,
Sorry you went though that!
I got from ex-boyfriend at one discard of me, ‘I love you as a friend.’ Sure. That explains why you never posted photos of us on social media for years, telling me years into our intimate relationship that you were afraid to be seen with me, and now have blocked me from all communication with you after 30 years. Never knew friendship like that before!

Lania
Lania
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

Lol, I got the “I love you like a sister, not a girlfriend” when I was discarded by one of my long-term boyfriends. I have a feeling he was cheating on me with a woman who he introduced to me as a “cousin” – though I don’t give a fuck either way.

No self-respecting person says that shit.

marissathechump
marissathechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Lania

I would have maybe felt like I had a higher status if serial cheater had introduced me as her cousin. She attempted multiple affairs with her various cousins and used them in her triangulation schemes towards me….

Leavealyingloser
Leavealyingloser
6 years ago
Reply to  Lania

That is the truth. No self respecting person does any of this shit. Everyone is looking at them horrified. They are so incredibly clueless its embarrassing.

QueenBee
QueenBee
6 years ago

Hate to sound like a recording but words mean nothing…pay attention to actions..it’s oversimplification but if they cheat they don’t love or respect you…and if you are already thinking but, but… that’s spackle not reality…

repulsedandbreathless
repulsedandbreathless
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenBee

QUEEN BEE,
thank you darlin , for the facts of life . this post today has just triggered me over and over , remembering all the horrible things he has said to me over the decades . and it all boils down to your statement “IF THEY CHEAT THEY DON’T LOVE OR RESPECT YOU” , ITS THAT SIMPLE .

Sammy
Sammy
6 years ago

My last bf divorced guy recounted the story of his marriage – it was during our breakup conversation and I think my interest in monogamy was one of the reasons for the breakup. He said sex and love are different and sex is not about emotions. This is probably a standard cheater line similar to my heart is yours, just my body goes wandering sometimes. He had cheated on his spouse on the regular including with men. I didn’t know till the breakup. Of course his spouse didn’t get the memo because she went ahead and cheated *with* emotion and left him for another man. Sex surely is about emotions – the last night we spent together he was uncaring and anxious and I felt sad and miserable. Who said sex is not about emotions?

Lania
Lania
6 years ago
Reply to  Sammy

Sex is not about emotions when the person lacks emotions.

It is the most intimate thing regarding emotions for people who actually do give a fuck.

This guy is a fuckwit.

Kiminator
Kiminator
6 years ago
Reply to  Sammy

Sammy, go to the straight spouse forum and read up on bisexuality. I learned a lot there. For instance, many men who identify as bi are actually gay but in denial.They marry woman for the emotional bond, but then cheat with men for the sex.

ChumpDiva
ChumpDiva
6 years ago

Great imagery, Jojobee. It is an accurate way to capture the effects of betrayal on a loyal, loving spouse. Enemies can’t hit that hard because they aren’t close enough. Cheaters are soulless.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago

I got all of that before DDay but not after. I remember finding a Christmas gift tag that said “to Chumpinrecovery from the man whose heart you will always have”. I left it in ex’s mail pile hoping it would spark some kind of feeling in him. Nothing of course. He ignored it as completely irrelevant. At the time finding those little notes and things (they were numerous and I had kept them all) made me sad. Now I find it comforting to know that I wasn’t crazy for being blindsided by all of this. I had good reason to think I had a solid marriage. He went out of his way to make me think that.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Glitterballs said something to that effect: I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, ClearWaters. I want to take you to Argentina (we live next to Argentina… Big deal. It’s a poor man’s honeymoon in my country. No ofense to Argentinian chumps, I admire your country; but the point is, he was taking flatterfuck on more expensive trips.). IfvI come home this weekend Will you make my banana cake?” I swear this is what he said. Entitled Bastard.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

I got the full list of trite-isms, including:

“I came back to the marriage for you.”

“I always thought of you as the love of my life.” (apparently I had LOTS of competition, and this was said as he was actively trying to talk his final AP into leaving her husband once it became clear I wanted a divorce.)

Gettingonwith life
Gettingonwith life
6 years ago

Every time I log in I find that everything my ex has said has been said by other cheaters. It is amazing.
My husband of 28 years (58 years old) is now with a. 25 year old howorker. We are divorced after 11/2 tears of Hopium and pick me dance. He still talks of a future together. The last one I got was “I still dream of us retired and on the beach together. Also, “if I never talk to her I wouldn’t care. If I never talk to you I would be upset”. These Lines are said
All the time. I finally told him I don’t want to be with someone whose penis wants to be in two places.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago

She leave him for someone her own age, and then he’ll get it

nomorecamping
nomorecamping
6 years ago

My 50 y.o. is living with 24 y.o coworker. How do these women stay with these old men? It’s so gross. When I was in my 20s I couldn’t even imagine going with a 50+ y.o.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Doing the math is laughable. When she’s 45 he will be 78. I’m predicting he’ll be spending his later life alone.

Carol39
Carol39
6 years ago

Well, mostly, it’s a lie. If I truly had Cheater’s heart, he wouldn’t have cheated on me, lied to me, and stolen from me. He wouldn’t have put me in danger of going to prison by using my name on fraudulent documents.

I don’t do that sort of thing to people in general, and especially not to ones who have my heart. When someone has your heart, so that you feel as though it is walking around outside your body, you do whatever you can to protect them and preserve the bond.

I don’t even know what Cheater’s mean when they say “I love you.” I can’t even imagine what goes through their minds. How can you do that to someone you love? You can’t. I don’t think they know what love means.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

How can they even say it? I would feel foolish…

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

Mine said the day before the divorce was final that there was a part of him that still loved me. He also told daughter that he still loved me but “she (Schmoopie) means the world to me”. I was there first. If he had truly loved me he never would have allowed someone else to mean the world to him. He would have avoided that and focused on me. He doesn’t love me and he never really did. At best he doesn’t hate me and doesn’t want me to hate him.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

Carol39-
Replace LOVE with NEED. I think they are so insecure that they seek validation and purpose from everything around them. Douchebag McGee is very successful in his field and from outward appearances seems to have it together. Inside he’s depressed, sad, lonely and seeks validation from everyone else in his life to fill the emptiness. Here’s the catch: the void never gets filled. It just looks that way through a variety of things: nice cars, spending money, sleeping with homeslice (who is very similar in the sense that she is very insecure and wants to be taken care of and to be needed), having a wedding with her (#4 marriage…..’til death do us part for sure!!) and all the other things that people do to not feel pain and focus on their own inadequacies.

I get wanting to be loved and loving someone, however I NEVER ever want to be needed by someone again, it is exhausting and is a lot of pressure. I always say you shouldn’t have to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm…..I think a lot of us chumps have done that for way too long.

Miyuki
Miyuki
6 years ago

This is so true Lost 220# Deadweight

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

Don’t even try to untangle that skein. It doesn’t matter.

They just say stuff. It doesn’t mean anything.

I think all of us here learned that one the hard way.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

My kids tell me that their father, years after falsely accusing me of committing crimes and filing for divorce, misses me and still loves me. I feel bad for my kids getting lied to and manipulated by their father.

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3WGkx1MYDQ

But I’m always true to you darling, in my fashion!
Yes I’m always true to you darling, in my way!

Granny K
Granny K
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Nice earworm!

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
6 years ago

He told me I was his soulmate.

Turned out he had told that to a number of women.

Perhaps he’s one of those complicated Hindu god things with multiple souls that transmigrate. Or something.

Meh.

Free Vix
Free Vix
6 years ago

A laptop always comes home to it’s docking station. That doesn’t mean it loves the station, just that it’s necessary. Chumps, our cheaters view us as docking stations. Don’t project emotion that does not exist.

QueenBee
QueenBee
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

This is the absolute truth!!!

TKO
TKO
6 years ago
Reply to  Free Vix

Very good!!!

BlueChumparoo
BlueChumparoo
6 years ago

Dr Dickwad McCheaterpants extraordinaire told me he “never loved me”, “should not have married me”, “was tired of pretending to be what I wanted”, complained his erection/penis was having issues maintaining…….and we hadn’t had sex for 2 years? (Not my choice)
So……I was his buddy he could complain to about his limp dick?

Fun factoid….ol’Blue got her divorce papers by surprise in the mail. Didn’t know what to do, so did nothing.
Best decision of the divorce so far, as I watched him for a whole week……I couldn’t see any difference in him AT ALL!
Blew my mind that HE knew he filed, knew it was coming in the mail and still came home for dinner……actually started coming home on time since forever, hanging around the house, sitting with me…….really creepy and strange.
Pretended straight through Valentines Day….made a fancy dinner, got him a sappy card, candy, you know, the usual stuff…..
THEN I asked him if he loved me, he said yes, I said “can you tell me”? And he did! Then hugged and kisses me.
I could not tell any difference, none, nada, zilch.
So ol’Blue said to herself……he has lied to you your whole relationship……it was never real.
The truth hurt, but I would much rather deal with a painful truth than a soul destroying lie.

It shows me they lie, always, say whatever they want, when they want, and it all hurts like hell and fucks your brain neurons into dysfunction.

BlueChumparoo
BlueChumparoo
6 years ago
Reply to  BlueChumparoo

Also funny towards the end of the week he would rifle through the stack of mail on the kitchen counter……..that was fun to watch!

Chumplanta
Chumplanta
6 years ago
Reply to  BlueChumparoo

Ol Blue – Hope you are getting happier mail now!

HM
HM
6 years ago

He’s a man-child who wants a mommy to take care of him while he fucks around with other women.

A common theme among these fuckwits.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
6 years ago
Reply to  HM

That.

A Survivor
A Survivor
6 years ago

Can somebody please get an article to chump lady by daily express titled “I’ll Never Give My Married Man”. I was floored by the absolute cruelty to the wife after she expressed suicidal tendencies.

StigOfTheChump
StigOfTheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  A Survivor

What an awful delusional creature. She derides the wife for having emotions, but that’s just because she doesn’t understand what it is to have any. She might, on an intellectual level had known it was wrong to begin with, but doesn’t really give a fuck as long as her needs are foremost. Instead of working on her own marriage she just decided to be a shit and take the lazy way out, and go looking for kibbles.

thoughtsoffluency
thoughtsoffluency
6 years ago
Reply to  A Survivor

Desperate OW word salad.
Ludicrous that she calls the faithful wife’s suicide ideation “emotional blackmail”. Fuck that LIE.
Then later: “If I force him to leave [his wife] he may ultimately resent me for it”. Manipulative much?
But what an angel she is for not forcing him to choose.

Oddot
Oddot
6 years ago
Reply to  A Survivor

Oh man, that was hard to read. That fucker will eat cake forever because both women are willing to let him… This is exactly why you **always** let the “Other” have them. Leave that flaming bag of dogshit on OW/OMs porch, ring the doorbell, and run away laughing!!!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  A Survivor

Oh my f—ing god. I need a shower.

newdaydawning
newdaydawning
6 years ago