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UBT: “My Handling of Your Situation Is Beyond Fault”

Dear Chump Lady,

A family member is divorcing her serial cheater and is attempting no contact. Below is a recent email from her not-soon-enough-to-be-ex that demands a trip through the Universal Bullshit Detector. She’d appreciate your take on it. Behold a masterpiece of crazy:

Subject: You asked for it

Draconian is an adjective meaning great severity, that derives from Draco, an Athenian law scribe under whom small offences had heavy punishments (Draconian laws). Sort of reminds me of only one person I have ever met. Funny thing with mental aberrations is that they do not resolve themselves, they only change tack. Shift focus if you like. The attached probably will be way over your head, but if not, it will be way over your objective understanding of this world. Of course this will anger you, but it is not my concern, experience have shown me time and again, that the biggest critics of professionals and achievers have been unfulfilled assholes who are essentially spectators. My handling of your situation, if you read the attached, is beyond fault. But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see. You would love to blame all your problems in your life on someone else, that being me….but I don’t buy it anymore. I do not have the energy or the inclination to talk to you about your paranoia about the past. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: I HAVE NOT SEEN JOAN SINCE OCTOBER LAST YEAR. I DID NOT GIVE HER ONE DIME, OR PAID HER FINES. Anyway that should be easy for you to check, having an insider at the traffic dept. By the way, have you heard of the PRIVACY ACT? I am going to cost your buddy at the traffic dept her job. She divulged information to an outsider in contravention of the law

As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain. You saw what happened last time I made a decent offer, you took it to the lawyer, and then it disappeared off the table.

True insanity is to try the same shit over and over again, expecting a different result (not that it would stop you!)

[2 attachments discussing mental illness]*

Joan is the first known OW, and apparently a repeat.

The attachments were articles on Schizophreniform disorders.  When he speaks of “handling her situation,” what he is referring to is a period of time when he drugged her so she’d be more compliant.  He claimed that her doctor phoned in a prescription to the pharmacy where he works (as a pharmacist), but it turns out that never happened.  Basically, he wants her (and probably everyone else) to believe that she is mentally ill to justify his misconduct.  Pretty creepy stuff.

Survivor

Dear Survivor,

Very creepy! Drugging your wife and saying it was on doctor’s orders is the stuff of sociopathic Dateline specials. Sure it’s Ambien. Really. You can trust me… She’s fortunate she’s alive to divorce Mr. Scary Pharmacist.

Forgive the tangent, but Tom Lehrer’s My Home Town just sprung to mind.

I remember Sam
The druggist on the corner, he
Was never mean or orner-y,
He was swell!

He killed his mother-in-law
And ground her up real well!
And sprinkled just a bit
Over each banana split.

A great satire about the dark side of the “super, special, just plain folk” like your sinister chemist there. I mean, goodness knows what he could’ve been slipping in those “doctor prescribed” meds. Yikes.

I think you need a police report more than you need the UBT, but here goes….

Subject: You asked for it

Isn’t that what people say before they hit you? “You asked for it!” must be the most common utterance of abusers. Not terribly original. This abuse I’m about to hurl at you? You asked for it. You make me hurt you.

Draconian is an adjective meaning great severity, that derives from Draco, an Athenian law scribe under whom small offences had heavy punishments (Draconian laws).

I’m erudite! I said draconian and Athenian and scribe! Behold my awesome historical references!

Notice too “severity,” “law,” and “punishments.” But, oh no, this isn’t a threat.

The UBT thinks this is a very weird way to begin an email, like it’s some academic lecture. He’d like to set the tone of superiority, of master and naughty disciple. You wicked girl! You dare object to a “small offense”?

Sort of reminds me of only one person I have ever met.

The UBT wants to guess! You met Draco the Athenian law scribe?! What’s he like? A real hard ass, huh? Don’t you wonder how some middle management scribe got so much power to punish?  Who put him in charge anyway?

Oh. You mean the naughty girl. Must be that time of the month. Bitch be Draconian.

Funny thing with mental aberrations is that they do not resolve themselves, they only change tack. Shift focus if you like.

Word salad. (UBT is sputtering.)

Translation: The funny thing about mental illness is it doesn’t get better, it just manifests in other ways.

The UBT thinks it takes one to know one. Projection much?

I’m a sick abberent bastard. My problems will not get better. I will only change tactics and try and manipulate you harder. Right now I’m stuck on the rage channel.

The attached probably will be way over your head, but if not, it will be way over your objective understanding of this world.

I’m sending you trenchant, sophisticated literature, which you are congenitally incapable of understanding.

It’s like lining a guinea pig cage with pages from the Economist and then asking Mr. Squiffles his thoughts on the Romanian corruption scandal.

Mr. Squiffles has no objective understanding of Romanian corruption scandals. Such weighty matters of world affairs are over Mr. Squiffles’ fuzzy, little head.

Of course this will anger you, but it is not my concern,

I thrill to anger you.

experience have shown me time and again, that the biggest critics of professionals and achievers have been unfulfilled assholes who are essentially spectators.

No one can appreciate my greatness! MR. SQUIFFLES, YOU UNDERESTIMATE ME!

My handling of your situation, if you read the attached, is beyond fault.

I shall be explaining my faultless grandiosity in court.

But that is not something an emotionally inadequate can see.

My blamelessness wears an invisibility cloak. It cannot be seen by unfulfilled, common guinea pigs such as yourself. Only the Great and Powerful can understand my handling of the situation. If they tune their mercury fillings into radio frequency 380-385 MHz we can communicate! Failing that, by tinfoil hat, but be careful — the squirrels are listening.

You would love to blame all your problems in your life on someone else, that being me….but I don’t buy it anymore. I do not have the energy or the inclination to talk to you about your paranoia about the past. FOR THE HUNDREDTH TIME: I HAVE NOT SEEN JOAN SINCE OCTOBER LAST YEAR. I DID NOT GIVE HER ONE DIME, OR PAID HER FINES.

You accuse me unjustly. Stop being paranoid. Just because I drugged you, doesn’t mean I have to explain myself.

Anyway that should be easy for you to check, having an insider at the traffic dept. By the way, have you heard of the PRIVACY ACT? I am going to cost your buddy at the traffic dept her job. She divulged information to an outsider in contravention of the law

You’ve been talking to the SQUIRRELS, haven’t you! Watching us! Making reports! Covert squirrels have infiltrated the traffic department!

As far as any settlement goes, like my sms, if you become reasonable, hhaaaa haa if that is possible, I will deal with you man to bitch; go through your lawyer, no deal, misery and pain. You saw what happened last time I made a decent offer, you took it to the lawyer, and then it disappeared off the table.

True insanity is to try the same shit over and over again, expecting a different result (not that it would stop you!)

[2 attachments discussing mental illness]*

If you’re reasonable, I’ll call you a bitch. That’s your Best Case Scenario, there. Go through your lawyer? Misery and pain! No deal!

The UBT cannot imagine anything more delightful than divorcing such a person. Misery and pain? That’s his balls in a vice and your lawyer’s hand on the crank.

So sad when abusive narcs face consequences. Mr. Squiffles knows way more than you think, dude. Enjoy your day in court.

This one ran before. I hope that woman survived divorcing him.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • This man’s cheese has slid right off the cracker!!!

    I hope she got far, far away from the squirrel whisperer.

    On that note-he is dangerous. I hope that she sent that letter to her lawyer. And unfortunately he probably continues to Hoover her, because he’s just that special.

    May he reincarnate as a tapeworm in the New York sewer system.

  • With this being a previously-ran, I hope she got out, but I’m also worried it got worse before it got better.

  • What a malignant narcissist and psychopath. Also, his attempts to make himself sound clever, culturally literate, and sophisticated, actually make him look like a complete fool when contrasted with his shitty grammar. I hope this woman is safe from this evil POS right now.

    • Klootzak would write something like this. After first D-day, he fired off an email to me with this same I’m-a-fucking-genius-and-how-dare-you-question-me tone. I have no idea how or why I allowed myself to be hoovered back. I hope this chump escaped and has gained a beautiful FW free life.

    • Yeah, there was at least one word used incorrectly (contravention is a noun, not a verb, dipshit). Jokes aside, this letter is quite chilling. On the other hand, it’s interesting how these types all sound the same. Unnecessary use of big words, thinly veiled threats, blame shifting, word salad. I too hope she got out alive.

      • Inadequate is an adjective, not a noun. There are lots of errors in verb tenses and subject-verb agreement also. I just love it when people make basic mistakes during sanctimonious lectures.

        • I had a boss who did this. “You need to genuflect on what has happened here,” and “the onerous is on you” are a small sample of the crap-tastic, bitch-slap worthy statements she would unleash when trying to scold her staff. She was a terrible manager and tried to sound smart to cover for her complete lack of talent.

          I laughed out loud– seriously, chortled right in her face — when she would start in with some six dollar words that only proved how utterly stupid she was. She didn’t like me.

          • I have a former boss who would hear corporate buzz words and then use them incorrectly, thinking she looked smart. They “promoted” her to a position in a different department where she doesn’t work with people. I remember leaving someone a voicemail message on a Thursday afternoon and setting a follow up in the computer to try reaching the person again on Monday. She put a nasty supervisor note in the computer saying that follow up on a voicemail should not be set for beyond 2 days. She didn’t comprehend that I was not going to come in over the weekend to work on it. She lacked both comprehension and communication skills. You can’t deal with people like that. Being married to one? Ugh!

          • I’ve worked for several supervisors who did not have an adequate vocabulary to do their work, and many who could not write a letter, or an e-mail which made any sense.

            The worst people to work for, IMHO, are those hired because they were family members, or neighbors, or cronies. Their actual qualifications and work experience would make them an entry level employee at best. Placing them as supervisors over people who do know how to do the job is asking for morale trouble. Unfortunately, I found this type of decision making to be quite common.

  • Maybe I’m crazy but this reads like someone who’s actually terrified of what’s to come in the divorce.

    There’s probably evidence to criminally charge him and strip his license and he knows it.

    Have a pit bull lawyer go for his jugular and watch what happens. I think she has all of the power here.

      • You are absolutely correct. This could be charged as a crime. I hope he was charged. I hope he lost his license. I hope he went to jail.

    • Typical batterer thing to do to drug his victim. If he lost his license, I think he’d be jonesing like mad. This sounds like a pharmacist who regularly dips into the happy pills.

    • Exactly what I thought. “Don’t you dare take this through lawyers or you’ll be sorry!” means he’s pissing himself at the thought of lawyers (either because he knows he’ll lose in court or he can’t afford an attorney). Narcissists tip their hand too much.

      I dated a malignant narcissist like this guy in college. He wrote me hate mail just like this, complete with word salad and lofty words he’d stolen from a thesaurus. He also stalked me for years.

      I feel for the wife and hope she escaped him. People really don’t understand how unhinged narcissists are until you meet one in the flesh.

  • I read this and think this letter must be parody. Nobody can be this much of a textbook narcissist. Then I think of cheater x, LTC Fuckface. Nope, this isn’t parody. This is a real letter and there are monsters among us.

    I hope Survivor’s family member survived that monster.

    • Oh, I agree– it is real. I have plenty of emails from my EX employing the same psychology, grandiosity, and patterns of threats. My EX would define terms, diagnose me, express pity and contempt in the same sentence in regard to whatever mental health condition he had just decided I suffered (deservingly) from, etc. He would demand I do things, and tell me to be grateful he wasn’t demanding more or “turning me in to the authorities” etc. He would cite legal terms and assure me that I was engaged in illegal behavior since I was defying the law (his interpretation of the law!) With a snap of his fingers, the sheriff or the IRS or my employer would be notified and I’d be “finished” or the kids would be removed from my custody permanently. He would claim I was utterly predictable and that he was invincible.

      I could both know these words were lies and find them very scary. They were projections, but I feared he would do his best to realize his projections.

      I knew better than to use my lawyer as a therapist, but it was missives like these that would send me running for assurance that I didn’t need to worry because nothing he was claiming or demanding was legitimate.

      • Ex has no authority to diagnose anyone but he took it upon himself to diagnose me with a number of mental illnesses, only because “he was seriously concerned for my mental well being,” said in a slow, deep, whisper… with a fake overly concerned look on his face..
        I found out later he had been confiding in our neighbors, portraying himself as a victim, while pretending to wipe tears from his eyes, that I was mentally ill and he wasn’t sure how much longer he could put up with me.

        Ex was so concerned he refused to go to marriage counseling because he knew that after talking to the therapist they would have me put away.

        Then he’d suddenly be menacing, following me around the house, getting in my face, repeating, Brit, I’m a Pilot, what are you? I’m a Pilot what are you? Brit, I’m a Pilot, what are you??

        Yes, ex is a Captain for a major airline.
        Scary.. .

        • My ex was also a captain on a major airline – and, he used similar tactics. He had a history of cheating on me, and I kept believing he would change. The last time, I found out he was cheating with a flight attendant and I shared my suspicion. He told me I was a paranoid crazy jealous person and that he would rather cut off his arm than cheat again. He also told me that because I didn’t trust him made him feel like I didn’t really love him. Well, I discovered from a friend (another FA) that the AP – Flight Attendant (FA) would be on my husband’s (now, ex) next flight to London. So, I told my husband that I wanted to fly with him to London on the trip. His face looked ashen and he made excuses why I couldn’t go with him on the trip; then, I told him that I knew about this current affair with the FA and I knew that snoopie was working his flight, and his only response was, “So you’re spying on me now? Who’s the spy?”

          • Chumped, ex would come home from trips with stories about all the “other” crew members cheating. Some married pilots had girlfriends in cities around the world so they would bid for those trips. Others pick up what ever is available at the hotel bar or hotel gym.

            I never actually caught ex cheating while on a trip but I could tell when he had cheated on a trip as soon as he walked into the house. I’m not sure what it was but I could feel it. One afternoon when he got home from a trip he was babbling on about the trip, and I just knew. I surprised myself and came out and asked if he had been without someone while he was away. He chuckled, then said, Brit, you have quite the imagination, you should write novels, or be a.writer for a soap opera, you know I’m not that kind of guy.., Brit you’re insecure, Brit you need a hobby..he listed all these scenarios to explain away my question. The more he’d talk the more I knew I had cheated. It sounded like he had been thinking of things to say on his way home if I were to suspect and he laundry listed every one. I had no actual evidence, I wanted to believe him, but my gut feeling was telling me other wise.

            There were other incidents, stories he’d told about the same trip but the version was different from the original. Stories that didn’t add up.. coming home with new clothes when he never shops. He brought his laundry down and I noticed a new shirt, I asked where it came from, his face went white, and he didn’t answer right away, then said he bought it when he and the first officer (male) went shopping…two men, crew members of an airline, on a trip, don’t go out shopping. They go to bars, out to dinner, the gym.. They don’t go clothes shopping together.

      • Same here, Eilonwy, even after the divorce. I am constantly double checking with my lawyer, and I feel very stupid sometimes, but truth is my FW’s anger still scares the shit out of me, even if I know it is mostly idle threats. Interestingly enough, I can’t think of another human being that has the same effect on me.

      • Every once in a while, my lawyer would send something to CheaterX that scared him. He, of course, didn’t have a lawyer. Instead, he had a twice-divorced Schmoopie giving him legal advice. Her legal expertise involved looking things up on google, and then copy/pasting the results without changing a word and without considering context. It made me laugh. I am sure they thought that they were standing up to my lawyer, lol!

      • My ex is a successful defense attorney and regularly “schooled” me on the law regarding our divorce, custody, and finances. He even condescendingly tried to reinterpret IRS regs in his favor. He was always threatening me with consequences, and he was always wrong. Dumbass.

        • Gawd, this guy sounds exactly like my narc brother, always “schooling” his very young, naive, not book-smart 2nd wife because he thought he was so superior to her, and most of the time he was just flat out f’ing WRONG. And it’s not even that he wasn’t smart, well read, etc because he -was-, it was the classic narc arrogance that they know more about everything than anyone else and there’s not the slightest possibility they could ever be wrong.

          He HATED it when my BF & I moved in with them to help them with rent/the new baby after he’d blown all the money on drugs, and was nominally “getting sober” (just “dry”, he didn’t drink/use, but a narcs gonna narc), and every time he tried to pull this BS on her, I called him on his shit (like I’d done all my life, lol), or my BF did.

    • Same here, my ex would also threaten to put me and everyone else in jail. Then there was the cognitive dissonance, I was evil and abusive to him, not driven enough to find a job that paid enough money, not confident, not social enough and I thought I was superior to him. When I attempted a reconciliation, he drove me around in the car for an hour lecturing me about everything I had ever done wrong and everything I needed to improve in order for him to take me back. Thankfully, I left that day and never went back.

      • “Same here, my ex would also threaten to put me and everyone else in jail. Then there was the cognitive dissonance, I was evil and abusive to him, not driven enough to find a job that paid enough money, not confident, not social enough and I thought I was superior to him.”

        If my FW wasn’t a she instead of a he, I would think we were married to the same person, Wormfree.

    • There was a murder, I believe in Texas, where a man hired two ex-marines. (I read, on here?) that many specops guys are sociopaths. This guy is so dangerous. I hoped she bailed.

      • Not a fair brush. I have many close friends in that community and they are among the most sincere, emotionally intelligent and giving people out there.

        My ex wife was a horrible cheater. Not all women are.

        • And considering how many people go into the military because it’s the only viable career opportunity available to them, it’s even more gross to think that if they’re successful, they must be sociopaths. YUCK. 😠

    • I dated a guy like this in college who wrote me almost identical hate letters. I assure you these people exist. Horrifying but true.

    • And that’s the thing- people see or hear things like this, think “this can’t possibly be true, nobody’s that way in real life”, and then stop believing victims or assume that anyone saying “my ex did [this]” is exaggerating for sympathy or just flat out lying.

      MEANWHILE, those of us who are familiar with narcs & sociopaths through previous relationships w/romantic partners, family members, social or work relationships, etc are scrunching our shoulders up around our ears because not only do we know that this is absolutely real, we know that as scary, horrifying, and truly threatening as this is, it can and DOES get much, *much* worse. 😢

  • I started to write how grateful I am that I didn’t experience the rage channel. But like all cheaters, FW had a sense of entitlement and irritation/annoyance when his “plans” were questioned.

    I suspect this particular monster was just as verbose with his charm and self-pity.

    Best argument for No Contact. Hope the over the top example makes it clearer for current chumps.

    • I escaped rage, but got the not-at-all veiled irritation that I continued to exist on the planet, expressed in word salad pseudo-formal missives like the one in the post. Once he left me I was supposed to disappear, grateful for the 26 years of bounty that he had bestowed upon me. I believe that he was put out that I did not thank him for all of the nothing he had ever done for me. Such an ungrateful wretch am I. 😂 It was inconvenient of me not just to die once I had outlived my purpose. I do recall his annoyance that he had to find out that I had received a high-profile appointment from an acquaintance. He said (last time I saw him in real life nearly 2 years ago), ‘congratulations, I had to find out from X that you’ve got a new role’. I adopted a puzzled expressions and replied ‘I have no obligation to tell you what I’m doing any more, we’re not friends’. Two years later I can laugh about it. This morning, while out walking the pup, I had one of those sudden flashbacks that still pop up occasionally. This was of a shrivelled, mean little man spouting endless rubbish. Not for the first time I wondered why I ever thought he was an acceptable life partner. The soulless, vindictive texts and emails summed up that shrivelled meanness. He was, in short, a nasty piece of work. And I have now learnt not to let nasty pieces of work into my personal space. It’s a blessing.

      • I hear you. I get little contact and I only ever need/want to contact him about something that might pertain to our child so hell you know, nothing that doesn’t warrant a response. He takes ages to respond and if he does want something he writes in this condescending fashion putting certain bits in italics like I won’t understand what they mean.

        If he were stood in front of me while I read them I would slap in across the face.

        However, my friends and I have quite a laugh at the tone. Absolutely though, would be easier if the past just went away, and that includes me. I can only imagine the stories he’s come up with to the OW about how awful I was to him. More fool her if she believes them.

        It does make it a lot easier to truly dislike them when you get spoken like this – that’s the only blessing.

      • So inconsiderate of you not to die when he no longer had a use for you. (/s)

        Wow, narcissists are incredible!

      • “ And I have now learnt not to let nasty pieces of work into my personal space. It’s a blessing.”

        YES! Boundaries are a beautiful thing!

  • This is a very mean man:

    1. “The attached probably will be way over your head, but if not, it will be way over your objective understanding of this world” –> You’re stupid. You’re naive.
    2. “…the biggest critics of professionals and achievers have been unfulfilled assholes who are essentially spectators.” –> If you criticize me, a professional and an achiever, you are an “unfulfilled asshole” and “essentially [a] spectator” in life.
    3. You are “emotionally inadequate.”
    4. You blame your problems in life on me.
    5.I deal with you “man to bitch” if you don’t cross me. If you do, you’ll pay.
    6. You’re insane.

    It’s pretty hard to imagine a more abusive letter. We can take some satisfaction in knowing that his utter inadequacy as a writer and thinker and his self-indulgence, pretension, arrogance, and utter meanness have been exposed to the world and will be on the internet forever. I hope the person who sent the letter in sends him a copy.

    • And just what is so professional about a pharmacist giving his wife a drug, without a prescription, against her will, and lying about it? OMG, I think that’s the worst FW crime I’ve read on here, and this guy is terrified of being found out. Hope he got punished properly, and she got cleanly away!

      • If this occurred in the United States, I believe it’s a violation of federal law to distribute a prescription drug without a prescription. Also, it could be a violation of state laws. Drugging someone against their will…battery? Assault? Possibly a felony depending on the state? I’m not an attorney, and I don’t know where this occurred, so I can’t even look it up on the Internet.

        I hope the pharmacist lost, or will lose, his license over this, and faced criminal charges.

    • I noted the line, of course this will anger you, but it is not my concern.. To me, this indicated that the Cheater knew that he was deliberately trying to provoke a reaction.

      I know this column ran previously, but it’s a great example to newer Chumps who want to understand just why they need to practice Gray/Yellow Rock or No Contact. Cheaters will poke you deliberately just to try to get you to act out of impulse. It’s just another form of manipulation.

  • I agree with with what has already has been said; I hope and pray she is free and safe.

    This is very disturbing and threatening, turning it over to her lawyer for criminal prosecution and reporting to his licensing board is necessary. With most of these cases, his behavior toward her has spilled over into his professional relationship. Likely he has done this to his colleagues and patients and they probably have not reported it. Once she reports it, numerous incidents will come to light.

  • And yet, when Survivor’s family member married this patronising, grandiose, abusive idiot she probably thought he was great, reliable, probably she was in love. Just goes to show how well these criminally selfish, insensitive and cruel monsters hide themselves. Very scary to know that apparent human beings can be like this. I never believed it until it happened to me.

  • I REALLY hope she got away! That being said I would have been SOOOOO tempted to cut and paste CL’s UBT of the Pompous Prick’s pontifications! But you’re all right, he sounds MORE than dangerous and I hope she reported him!

  • Cheating was the very least of her problems with this deranged narcissist. This bozo fancies himself as part of the Intelligentsia class. Good riddance.

    • I agree. I suspect others couldn’t see this abuse for a long time. But once she had evidence he was cheating, she could make a move to leave the marriage that others would understand. Getting support when leaving a manipulative abuser can be tough if others only see the charm.

      • The letter was a doozy but definitely exposed this nutcase. Anyone that would justify his letter is as crazy as the cheater.

  • The day before my physician x fessed up to his multi year affair, I was suffering with back pains. He handed me a bunch of pills before bed, and, bc I trusted him, I swallowed them all. The next day I woke up at around 2pm!!! He called and asked how I was. I said that I felt drugged. His response? “You were drugged.”

    😳😳😳😳

    It scares me in retrospect. It might have looked like a suicide had I died. He could have then skipped off with the AP. He could’ve avoided the messiness of a divorce. He could have kept all his money and his good-guy reputation. It must have been tempting for him. I don’t know. Maybe I’m imagining things. But damn.

    • I never was given reason to fear for my life from my FW

      *and yet*

      after the final AP was revealed and the final bomb was dropped, even though I still (stupidly) loved him, I never let him be alone in a private space with me ever again. When we conducted any business of separation face to face, it was always in a parking lot or a food court. What a weird space to be in: I loved this man and I did not feel safe with him.

      Looking back now, I’m glad I started listening to my gut, even when my heart wasn’t quite hearing it yet.

      • Amen, sister.

        I went through a period when I was married where I was consuming a lot of true crime entertainment, fascinated by family men who turned out to be murderous wolves in sheep’s clothing. I wanted to know what signs the wife missed and how these sociopaths were able to hide their true nature. Now, I know.

        I later discovered fantasies of violent rape that my ex had written and posted online.

        Whenever we had a difference of agreement after separation, he would encourage me to come over to his house to talk it over. One time he even offered to have his insane parents participate. Oh hell no.

        I finally mastered gray-rock, I negotiate everything through attorneys, and have moved further away from him. His focus is now on all the new victims he is finding in the BDSM community.

        If the police ever come to my door and tell me my ex or his family are suspected of committing a violent heinous crime, I would not be at all surprised.

  • This man is a monster. The letter writer doesn’t say, but I suspect this man began drugging his wife when she twigged to his affair, and he decided to paint her as mentally ill so that no one would believe her and that wouldn’t be able to come after her share of their marital assets. His sense of entitlement is off the charts, as is his self-regard.

    I very much hope that he was exposed and lost his license as a pharmacist. (And that his wife didn’t need his income for child support.) I don’t know if drugging your spouse is a criminal offense, but he either forged a prescription from a physician to get those drugs, or he stole them from the pharmacy, and both of those things are indeed criminal offenses. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he was drugging himself with something, either–he sure sounds unhinged.

    What stellar leverage that wife had! I hope she used it to get herself an equally stellar settlement.

    • “I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he was drugging himself with something, either–he sure sounds unhinged.”

      An excellent point, Adelante, that I hadn’t considered until you brought it up. I just thought “brain tumor,” which is what I had originally suspected in my exH’s case.

    • While my dear friend’s mother lay dying in the hospital (due to an iatrogenic or doctor-caused condition) screaming in pain, she was given no more than Tylenol unless the family signed her over to hospice to be drugged to wordless oblivion and hastened towards death because, as the family were told by nurses, “There’s an opioid crisis in the US!”

      Yeah, 80 year old women with failing hearts are holding up minimarts for drug funds all over the US. Meanwhile medical professionals divert (known as “clinical drug diversion”– 3rd degree felony) about a half billion USD worth of drugs per year.

      As a a pharmacist, he could apparently be charged with prescription drug fraud, possession and distribution of a controlled substance and prescription drug theft. This can include falsification of records and could result in years and years in prison and loss of license.

      This guy’s goose was so cooked. It explains the manic DARVO and gaslighting. He also seems to riding the “zeitgeist” (bet he’d love that word so much he’d use it as a verb!) of general medical industry insanity.

  • The very first quote on my list in my notes is:
    🚩As a child I never dreamed that all the real monsters of the world would be human. 🚩

    That’s one frightening Narc psychopath she’s dealing with there!! Like from one of the movies I simply refuse to watch because once it’s in my head, I can’t get it out. Scary stuff!
    I wouldn’t spend too much time poking that bear, he sounds like he’s a tiny rip away from total disconnection with reality.
    I hope she’s okay too and has an address he has no way of knowing or finding.
    He’s evil and he is not done.

  • The email is typical of an abuser

    The character assassination, the threats, the bragging about their superiority

    My ex would email/text insults about me, my lawyer. Also the threats to have innocent people charged is typical

    He would threaten to have my therapist’s license taken away. He would verbally attack any friends or family who had the nerve to support me. Warnings that he just ‘has’ to tell our kids who I really am.

    They are truly evil conniving ogres

  • Ok, my jaw is off the floor and the bone chills have subsided.

    Some thoughts….

    At the end of the email:

    ……said the liar, cheater, traitor, thief, abuser.

    Can you say “projection?”

    I am always amused by anyone reaching out to someone to inform them they aren’t going to talk to them anymore. I don’t call or email anyone to tell them I am not going to talk to them anymore.

    It’s always helpful to get missives like these to send straight to the lawyer, and in this case, the police. This reads like he is related to the Unabomber. Broadcasting your insanity in an attempt to pin it on someone else is the other definition of insanity. Maybe the real one. The truly insane don’t know they are insane.

    Joan is a dope. Enjoy, Joan!

    The wise learn more from fools than fools ever learn from the wise. Anyone who treats their spouse like garbage and uses a marriage certificate for toilet paper is best given a wide berth. Affair accomplices deserve everything they sign up for, especially the front row seat in the Extra Crispy section of Hell Stadium where I was unknowingly sitting.

    Joan gets the Darwin Award of the Day.

  • Oofta! I’m so thankful my cheating Ex cut and ran when I found out. Don’t get me wrong, pain is pain. Reality shifting in a mere moment is traumatizing. Realizing you’ve fallen for BS for 27 years has a horrible host of thoughts, emotions and challenges.
    THIS is a whole different kind of trauma and complete terror.
    People who work themselves out of this kind of relationship are A-FREAKING-AMAZING.
    This is chilling.
    What kind of strength a person has to live through this… it’s difficult for me to wrap my head around and incredibly awe inspiring.
    No matter the circumstances you folks are all heroes.
    Thank you for your (mostly unknowing) help over the years.
    Wishes for peace and meh!

    • You have such a lovely way of looking at things. Mostly people heap the most blame on victims who endured the worst. To offer extra credit for survival is a rare perspective but I think the most helpful and accurate one, at least in my experience advocating for dv survivors. I also noticed people who are kind to the powerless– as much as it might make them suffer much more in the short term when betrayed– tend to advocate for themselves in the end, taking their own (good) medicine.

  • this reads like a bad soderbergh movie EXCEPT it’s real life, and the X is a fucking pharmacist with access to A LOT of drugs. i hope he has no access to her home whatsoever. i’m thinking passive poisoning–he could mix digoxin into her toothpaste and she’d never know it.

    i’d go to the police and get a restraining order.

    i struggle to find humour in this situation. it’s too frightening.

    • Agree, but I’d go further. I think she should run away and change her identity so he can never find her. He is that dangerous.
      No, there’s no way to make this humorous and it’s the first UBT I’ve been unable to enjoy.

  • This letter could be part of the screenplay for Hitchcock’s “Gaslight”
    Truly terrifying –
    That moment when you realize, you’re married to a monster.

    I wonder how long ago this letter was originally sent?
    I, along with all of you, hope she got out, and he got everything that he deserves.

  • “Beyond Fault” is some word salad shit, gibberish. It is either illiteracy (he means beyond reproach?) or an expression of narcissistic exceptionalism (the rules of fault do not apply to him). Either way it’s best ignored.

    • I noticed that too, nomar, and wondered if the phrase “beyond fault” was some regionalism I didn’t recognize, as the letter writer also wrote “small offenCes.”. Reminds me of my exH and his highfalutin’ prose which always made me cock my head, question his misuse of a word, and then be accused of caring more about his errors than his message. He refused to accept my argument that I couldn’t possibly understand his intent if he were speaking gibberish.

      • I read it as, “beyond fault,” like no one would blame him, but I was thinking of my own ex as I read the letter. It’s been over 13 years, but the blinding rage was triggered like it was yesterday.
        My ex’s crazy letter (he wrote it, but in the letter he was pretending to be a woman, apparently one who had been pining away in the wings and had access to his email. Level 10 crazy. His letter backfired- all I could think was, “how dare you” and “what an idiot”.
        I hope the recipient of the letter in the post is safe, that guy is dangerous.

    • Thank you, thank you for posting that link. I’ve known about Dr. Minwalla’s work for many years. He used to do workshops for partners of sex addicts and a couple of friends of mine attended and were greatly helped by him. This article was very on point and validated so many things for me. I’m happily divorced and completely meh about ex but I am still dealing with long term fall out from the years of the type of relationship abuse that Dr. Minwalla described in this white paper. So again, thank you.

  • I struggled to even read that, as it reminded me too much of the EX. He drugged me up too, claiming I was mentally ill. Specifically, he accused me of being paranoid about him, and said it was a sign of depression and anxiety and PTSD from my childhood trauma. He insisted I go to the doctor, where I was prescribed various meds. It turns out I was right the whole time. When I asked him later why he did it, he said, “Well, of COURSE I did that. If you found out, you would have made me stop!”

  • Wow. That is one seriously, dangerously disturbed person. He needs to lose his license as a pharmacist and to go to jail. But I suppose the chump is counting on his income and so won’t report for that reason? What a position to be in. I’m thinking this guy is liable to do her serious physical harm and she needs to do whatever she can to go somewhere he can’t find her. It might be worth going on welfare if she has to just to get away from this terrifying psychopath.
    This is the most disturbing fw letter I’ve ever seen.

  • At least this is in writing. Most asshole cheaters spew threats and DARVO the shit out of their Chumps and then deny, deny, deny it all, usually at the top of their lungs. Who me? Look over there at the red faced Chump, sucking on gaslighting fumes. Poor thing.

    They declare that obviously the Chump is mentally ill to even suggest they would be anything but kind and looking out for everyone’s best interest, and isn’t it unfortunate that they had abandon the marriage to save themselves. Alas.

  • As a general rule: any time anyone threatens you for wanting to consult a lawyer … stop the conversation immediately and get that lawyer.

    A person who wants to offer a fair deal would have said “Here’s my offer, please feel free to take it to your lawyer. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns.”

  • This type of manipulating person should be taken so seriously, be very cautious, keep your distance. My experience was my now ex put on such a fake front it was breathtaking. Only one time did I have a look at the real person behind the mask. I am very analytical person, not prone to fancy but one time I saw the look in his eyes and it was like looking into the depths of hell. From then on it was no contact for any reason. Guard yourself, stay safe.

  • If this psychopathic narcissist isn’t now a convicted felon in prison, and without a pharmacy license for life, then someone let the ball drop, hard. And this dangerous criminal should be put on blast to his work, profession, and community.

  • Wow. I was married to so like that. Ugh

    He’s projecting so hard. PRIVACY ACT? Hmmm. And I think he’d better kiss his pharmaceutical license BYE BYE.

    We peons can’t handle his greatness so let’s flush this turd. It smells

  • This letter reminded me of an incident that happened over 30 years ago. I accidentally hit another carin a parking lot, leaving a small dent. I left a note on the windshield apologizing with my name and phone number and asking the owner to contact me. I received a call from a man thanking me for taking responsibility for my mistake. He told me that he knew me. He was my pharmacist! He was supposed to get back to me with insurance information and an estimate for damages. I never heard back from him. I later read in our local paper that he had been arrested for beating his girlfriend into a coma. What is it with psychotic pharmacists?

  • LMAO…..”I did not pay her fines”. Wow, she sounds like a real treasure. All the eloquent linguistics and then he say’s that. Well, he got an A in English and an F in life choices. I’ll take the opposite any day.

  • I just have to say, as a trained Classicist and ancient historian: the letter writer is not just a sociopathic douche, he’s also WRONG. Draco was not some random scribe – he was a legislator or “law-giver.” So he did, in fact, wield enough power to institute the “Draconian” laws for which he is known. And those Draconian punishments often involved death or dismemberment, so it’s hyperbolic (at the very least) to compare them with a Chump establishing healthy boundaries and Leaving A Cheater. The funny thing about minimizing cheating is that it often goes hand-in-hand with maximizing the chump’s “abusive” response: classic Draconian DARVO.

    That whole introductory section (badly invoking literal ancient history) is just bizarre, disrespectful, and condescending. I hope that Chump ran for the hills like her hair was on fire. Accompanied by her lawyer.

  • I TRULY hope she did not breed with this FW, or she is in for an awful time with co-parenting. This clown makes my ex’s nonsense look like sanity and that says a lot. She absolutely needs to use a lawyer, have zero contact with him, and get far away from him as fast as she can. He is indeed dangerous.

  • It is ok to disagree with someone’s opinion. You can see some worth in some points in another person’s argument, understand their feelings or conclusions, and still come to a different conclusion than they have. You can agree to disagree. But one of the lowest things you can do when you are in an argument is to argue against the other person’s personal traits or background. I experienced this many times arguing with my spouse’s. If it became clear that the irrefutable facts were on my side, rather than admit they were wrong, they would attack me personally. Some of my favorites were: “How can you have an advanced degree in communication and not know how to communicate?” and “You don’t know anything about the real world because you were raised by hillbilly’s” and “Why did you go on a dating site and find my post unless you are a cheater yourself?”

    When you join the marriage police and gather evidence, you have “invaded privacy, and there are laws against that.” When you audit credit cards and bank accounts, and review phone bills, “you are a stalker.” When you question their whereabouts, or why they chose to do something idiotic, “you obviously don’t have the capacity to understand how you drove me to do that!” All of these arguments ignore the fact you are legally bound to this person and have a marital interest in knowing where your spouse and your money is at any given moment.

    This guy is beyond creepy. I sincerely hope she did take this threatening letter to her attorney. I would like him to provide his credentials as a historian, and a psychiatrist to the court, and I would love to hear a judge explain that a court of law decides what a marital settlement will be. I am not sure a restraining order would be enough to stop this creep. She might need additional protections.

    • On a side note, I would really appreciate it if politicians would stop calling each other names, and if the media sources would stop reporting that the politicians call each other names. Is this really news? I don’t think so. I also believe it sets a really bad example for our children and people in other countries to see people in charge of legislation and carrying out the laws of our country act this way.

      • I agree. Unfortunately, they likely won’t as it seems to work for them.

        Quite frankly all sides are horrible at it.

  • Draconian is as Draconian does and this man is fitting that profile. If the cap fits etc
    It’s probably too much to hope he was charged and jailed. A practising pharmacist who sounds so unhinged is likely indulging in some of his own medicine, no? Let alone actually drugging his wife and trying to present her as insane / mentally ill which is scary and disordered af. It’s beyond. The UBT shows the letter as a masterclass in ‘projection’ and DARVO regardless. I really hope this chump escaped this narcopath and is living her best life now.

  • This reads kind of like scarface ranting at the end of the movie while he inhales a mountain of cocaine and I would not be surprised to learn similar drug habits were involved…

  • I’m not prepared to put this under my own name as I don’t want my children to see, but this style sounds so familiar.
    What I received:
    Ok, I’ve got all my eggs lined up,
    sorry to be so late, some of us work
    real jobs.
    For your sake come to the table.
    If not, I don’t mind an argument
    either.
    I can’t see why you can’t listen,
    except your worried.
    It would save a lot of time and money
    if you would listen just listen to what I
    have to say please.
    Your not as clever as you think you
    are. Everything I write is reserved so
    you can’t miss represent me.
    Your attitude is going to be your
    downfall.
    Good night

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