Apology Fails
If you’ve been chumped, either a) you received no apology, or b) you got a really lame apology. The best lame apology you got was sincere and devoid of blameshifting, but it was lame because 99.9 times out of 100 it didn’t come with an iota of recompense. The worst lame apology you got was lame because it was a thinly veiled mindfuck.
“Well we’re HAPPIER now. I know I am, and that’s what matters!”
“I’m sorry, BUT… “(Followed by PowerPoint presentation of your inadequacies that Drove Them to Cheat.)
“Mistakes were made.” (No pronouns, no responsibility!)
Think I’m making this up? Do you read the Universal Bullshit Translator? Here’s a real cheater apology I dissected awhile back on HuffPo:
Ultimately, I don’t regret what I did, though I do deeply regret the hurt I caused. As a result of the affair, and then later, our divorce, my ex gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity, finally, to find my happiness within myself.
And that’s what matters, chumps — the transgressor’s happiness.
Ultimately, I don’t regret stealing opiates from cancer patients, although I do deeply regret that someone woke up from surgery without painkillers. That must’ve been a bummer. Um… whatever. But hey, that patient gave me the best gift you can give anyone — the opportunity to get high! On hospital grade morphine. The really good shit.
Ultimately, I don’t regret robbing banks, though I do deeply regret duct-taping that bank teller to a chair, holding a gun to her head, and pistol whipping her. It was ill considered. Immature. Selfish. However, as a result of my bank robbery, that heist gave me the best gift you can give anyone — easy money!
Pro tip: If you don’t regret your actions, it’s NOT an apology! You don’t get all the spoils of your affair and get to disassociate yourself from the pain you caused. Because you’re just saying the spoils (your ephemeral “happiness”) were worth hurting someone.
Apology FAIL.
So your Fun Friday challenge, CN, is to share your lame cheater apologies. Bitch cookies to them all! TGIF!
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Every time you support Chump Nation on Patreon, a cheater apology belly flops and everyone points and laughs.
I never got any apologies from Rhys, and Mac’s apology was summed up as “I’m a fucking idiot”.
I got from him, “I’m sorry I should have left years ago like I wanted then this wouldn’t have happened. I really should have left before all this.”
I was confused as to WTH he was talking about! He still says he wasn’t happy for years and years. Unbeknownst to me, his wife since he still gave me cards, presents and flowers on a regular basis. Apparently everyone else knew he wanted a divorce but me. He’s not sorry for his affair or lying to me, he’s only sorry he got caught because I require trustworthiness in a relationship.
Yes I received hand written love letters a month before he told our children he had not loved me for 15 years. Cheaters handbook. One child was well documented planned at age 14 at the time and he still blames me for their relationship problems lol. Kids can do the math. This is not on you at all.
Me neither no apology at all or any acceptance of his wrong doings I just got Shmoopie shoved into my face!
No apology, not a single tear for 17+ years down the drain, he had “feelings” for someone else. Since then no child support, no contribution to our daughter’s extraordinary expenses. He’s taking his skank and her kids to Europe this summer on what was supposed to be our family’s vacation. But money on our daughter’s school lunch account? Nope. Payment to the orthodontist? Nope. And every time I drop off or pick up our daughter, he and the skank are posed out on their front porch (he moved in same day skank’s husband moved out) so I can see their coupled happiness, their fuckwit twu wuv.
Wow Lagertha… you have just written my response. 17 plus years got nothing. He didn’t even look back over his shoulder. Left while I was at work one day. Money for his daughter for the orthodontist.. nope. Actually spending any time with his own kids… nope. But a brand new house built for the skank and her two kids, horses, holidays. It is like they wipe out everything to do with the past. I am nearly 8 years out and it still floors me sometimes. How you can go from being this intact family then your just rubbish thrown out in the trash. Even his own children mean nothing to him. It is called no integrity or empathy.
Did you file for support?
Yes, and nothing has come of it so far.
He moved in the day her husband moved out?? On what planet and on what crack on these people on? You can’t cheat the process of life. This is just so inappropriate and TOO QUICK (not to mention fucking ridiculous).
I got the same thing Carol. And was told they were “just friends”. Then he put our 16 year old dog to sleep without telling anyone. Only after confronting him I got sorry by text. My answer to that was – you should be. POS ????????
Never got an apology, not surprised as he does nothing wrong, just ask him.
He did tell me he never “messed around” until after he moved out.
Why would I think he’d mess around while we were living together?
He’s a man of integrity., again just ask him.
After 28 years of marriage, never got an apology only a ‘never meant to hurt you’. Breaking our marriage vows by cheating wouldn’t hurt???? Or was it getting caught that you didn’t want?
I didn’t get an apology either after 18 years of marriage. An apology may mean actually admitting guilt or acknowledging that he was having an affair, instead of it all “being in your head.” and the usual, “You’re crazy.”
Me neither. I got no apology and his actions since have been the complete opposite of remorse and concern – 7 years of ludicrous post-decree courts filings for which I’ve just topped $20k defending.
His attitude is more “it is what it is”. I HATE that phrase. And him.
I got a “I’m sorry for anything I did to hurt you”
I got a “sorry for anything I may have done or said that hurt your feelings” many months after I busted him at the Asian Hooker Palace………..
That crappy, half-ass apology wasn’t worth the paper it was written on. It did however make a great cat box liner!
Current Chump, I had fantasized about busting my X at the Happy Endings place, but never actually pulled it off. I guess I thought it would finally give me the proof or validation I was seeking… end the gaslighting.
What’s the Asian Hooker Palace? My ex used to visit those Asian massage parlors behind my back. I couldn’t figure out how to bust him.
It’s where men pay to have prostitutes take what you would have gladly had at home. I know because that’s where my man was for 10 years. The other 10 years he just spent on pornography and lap dances. A lot there to be proud of.. So the Asian Hooker Place is where your beloved goes to have sex with some poor girl who got sex traded into this country. Most likely against her will. Nice gentleman aren’t they? High-caliber lot we have selected!
Well that should cover it. Love the lack of specificity.
Just found a wonderful quote
Remorse is a disciplined memory of the moral significance of our actions
Or
Remorse sleeps through prosperity but awakes bitter consciousness during adversity
I got in order…’I forgive you, I’ll pray for you, I feel like such a slut’…what the?? These people are so disordered (and devoid of basic humanity)
On D-Day #1, when I brought up the issue of forgiveness (as I was a traumatized benevolent Chump), before I could say, ‘I forgive you,’ my husband, said, ‘I forgive you.’ If I hadn’t been such a doormat, I would have said, ‘Check please” and started searching for lawyers THAT DAY.’ My husband had tried to impregnate his AP, had had sex with pristitutes, sneakily dissipated our assets, etc. he’s a living, breathing bomb waiting to be detonated at anything!
Wait, he TRIED to impregnate his AP? While still married (I think with most it’s an accident, or due to the OW’s gaming)?
Talk about a cheater with harem fantasies!
But it’s ok because he forgave his wife for all of that.
Frankly, I think they all have harem fantasies, which is why they try to tell us that we should get to know the other woman and we’d like her. Or, they say we should be happy for them. My first cheater even thought I might go along with some “Couldn’t you share me? scenario. Delusional.
The all-purpose vagueness of that is definitely lame. Right up there with “sorry you choose to feel that way,” and sorry “if” I offended you.
^This. After apparently feeling cornered and pressured by me into forcing an apology from him (I’m such a bitch like that after all), I got a long drawn out exasperated sigh followed by a very perfunctory “I’m sorry if you feel hurt by what happened.”
Um, what?!! “IF”??? And “YOU FEEL” – as though my feelings must be so unreasonably sensitive, because my being traumatized has nothing to do with what he did, no it’s only my reaction that’s the problem. The implication there is that other people wouldn’t make such a big a deal out of it, so I should just let it go… Not to mention that his whole description of his betrayal was summed up as an impersonal and detached account of merely “what happened.”
And that was the entirety of his apology to me for the longest time, up until one day when he somehow realized that such a fauxpology made him look like a douche. Well his ego couldn’t allow that, so he changed over to a more sincere **sounding** apology – however it was never followed by consistent change to demonstrate that he actually was genuinely sorry.
Sorry is as sorry does. And his sorry was pure Naugahyde.
He told me he was leaving over the phone. Me being the good Chump, asked why he didn’t come home to tell me so we could talk about things. At this time I Had no idea he had an AP.
He replied, well, I know how much you like to create drama so I thought it would be better to tell you over the phone.
I don’t create drama, if anything i’m too passive but if I had known the truth of his AP I think I”d be justified, and when I did find out I was calm and understanding. I was in a Chump coma, similar to a Stepford wife.
“fauxpology” needs to be in the Dictionary, like, yesterday.
Think you probably mean “sorry if you felt offended”. They never use the I word. People might mistake that for accountability.
Truth! Mistakes were perhaps made.
Yes, OUR mistake was marrying them in the first place! For that, I accept the blame.
I got “Sorry to have hurt you” in a birthday card three months after the discard. SMH.
I got this about 6 weeks after he called me at work to tell me he was walking away from our 15 year marriage and 12 year old son to move 10 hours away to live with his Internet girlfriend. *Schockingly* their twu wuv fizzeled after 6 short weeks of absolutely disappearing off the face of the earth. Then I get this by text—“I’m sorry I left, but I can’t help but think how things would be different if only you’d asked me to stay.” What the actual fuck??!! Just 6 short weeks prior he had laid the “I love you, but I’m not in love with you, I have to be happy, the other woman is the perfect person for me, we have everything in common” speech on me and literally walked out of our lives. I was traumatized and in complete shock. I had no idea he had been in a relationship with another woman for a year, I had no idea they had made plans to each leave their spouse in coordination with each other, I didn’t yet realize the extent to which he was a horrible person. But he suggested in his ‘apology’ that if only I’d begged him to stay, he would have just unpacked all his belongings from his truck and told his girlfriend he’d changed his mind. Right. . . He had one foot out the door before he even decided to clue me in. Dude you may have had me chumped for 15 damn years, but I had been six weeks free of your mind fuck and I was starting to see very clearly the games you’d played with me and at my expense for far too long. No way in hell I was going to let you back in my life! Best decision I’ve EVER made! He tried (without success) to get me to take him back for the next six weeks then he stopped contacting me completely. Figured he had another girlfriend and I was right. They weren’t even together for two months and were already sharing a phone plan and shacking up. I got the real prize in this mess of a situation though—custody of our son, my freedom and my life back! And I couldn’t be happier!
Wow. A gilt-edged invitation to the Pick Me Dance.
Nice.
‘I’m sorry about the hurt I caused but I don’t regret the affair’
Duh????????♂️
Hey! Is this the same RML from Infidelityhelpgroup.com? The site is RIP :/
Yes it is him. I think he got the RML somehow here at CL.
I am and I did get the name courtesy of Tracy
That’s a real bummer. That site saved me as much as this one.
Me too. Miss those awesome mods. Site seems to be back up but not the forum. Good to see the articles are still available, they really helped with seeing through the bullshit and manipulation. Thanks IHG, forever grateful.
Hey WTFH, hope all well in your world ????
The site seems to be there. It was a great place. 3 years on now and I think I’m pretty much in Tracy’s camp, viz leave a cheater, gain a life. I still have to deal with a certain amount of indirect fuckery from Ms Wonderful because one child is still under 18. This place constantly reminds me that she is a common or garden fuckwit of the type all over these pages.
I miss it! It saved me as well.
That’s Perel-speak. I got that too. I’ve realised he must have watched her TEDX talk as obsessively as the porn.
After D Day we earnestly analysed and discussed both her and Brené brown’s talks (ooh yeah I was hilarious in my untangling skein phase and he LOVED the centrality). Of course he introduced me to Perel (so I could “investigate the complexity”).
So after a while I realised he was quoting her chapter and verse. She handed him a script.
But here are some original lines:
Me: Do you regret anything?
Him: I don’t regret having my family for ten years.
(10 years of cake while hookers plus gay saunas. Not actually an affair, or even series of. Nup, hundreds of nameless strangers., then home for dinner and kids’ bedtime stories).
Me: it seems as if you don’t have any remorse.
Him: of COURSE I have remorse. Look at what I’ve lost!!!
Oh sadz. He lost cake!
Ah, yes. Ester Perel. I wrote a blog post about what life would look like if cheaters tried to use Perel-speak in other contexts, such as in a criminal courtroom after being brought in for auto theft. Spoiler alert, someone gets a face-full of pepper spray…
Click on my name, it’s the first of my recent posts. If I weren’t so un-meh, I’d suggest sending it to your ex. 🙂 Best to you, Mama-Meh! 🙂
The prostitutes. Strangely, I think that hurt me most.
I explained to the dimwit that she couldn’t have one without the other but I just got a blank look. Witless moron.
❤️ still awesomely funny!
????
Apology, ummm no. I just asked for one thru attorneys to see if it was possible for us to be on the same reality. The answer was no. Co-parenting is going to be so much fun.
Ha! I hear you, Freeholder. Whilst having to live with him after the discard, my lawyer wrote a cease and desist letter to his lawyer (she wanted to send it to the OW, but I was so chumpy, I thought it a bit unkind – yep, true chump) stating that the OW was not allowed in my homes. Either primary residence, or holiday home. Too late, as had already been in both. As had the previous long term AP. And others. I just needed to know my own home could be ‘safe’ for me.
I went away for NYE with my son and his mates. Came home to discover their fuckfest in a tent at a lake on her sister’s lawn was actually a fuckfest in my home. He denied and lied for an hour. Then I slapped him. I had proof she was in my home. His response? Pulling my legs out from beneath me, knocking me unconscious, then me waking to his hands on my throat (restraining me? Yeah, okay.) I fought back hard, and he told the OW I attacked him. Well, I did slap his face with an open palm after he smirked and lied for an hour. So, I photographed the bruising and lacerations on my upper body, solit tongue and deep cut on the back of my head, as proof, but did not report him as he was already twisting the narrative. My boss also has pictures of my injuries, and wrote diary notes in case he tried to prosecute me. She pushed me to report him. But I didn’t. I was scared his charm offensive would wirk on the cops. He’s good. Our two younger children were in the house when this happened. 21 year old son wanted to knock his father’s head off. 19 year old daughter moved out permanently the next day, asking me to come with her. Darkest moment of my life.
I asked him to get the OW to apologise for knowingly breaching our agreement. A widow whose own husband was a serial cheater, she sent me a text. Fab. Good for you. Not for me. (Thanks Amy P.)
I found that using a shared calendar removed much of the need for conversation with Mr. Sparkles. And, I only did that through elementary school. He now has to sign-up for all the school announcements etc. just like I do. Try not to engage – ask yourself if it is really worth it to your sanity before texting or communicating.
“I’m sorry I couldn’t express my needs to you in a way that you could understand”
– (Too bad you were too stupid to understand my needs)
“I’m sorry for my pain and for the pain I caused you”
– (My pain is more important)
“I’m sorry when I realized how unfulfilled the relationship was for me, I was too cowardly to approach you about it”
– (but I wasn’t about to give up my fuck buddy so I kept my mouth shut)
“I’m sorry for the many many things I did to contribute to the ending o our marriage”
– (many many many things. Nameless vague things. No need to go over details. And these things “contributed” , not caused. How did YOU contribute? Think long and hard about that
***Asshole!***
Omg struggling, I heard the exact same bullshit.
If X’s comments to me were run through the UBT the result would always boil down to: “me me me me…. no one else matters…. and _______ is all your fault and you deserved it….”
Thank you for cutting through the fauxpologies to the real sentiments being expressed. I needed that. As I was thinking about how mine transitioned over from an obviously douchey “apology” to some word salad that sure sounded to my eager chumpy ears like authentic remorse, I read your comment and realized, ‘nope those were actually just as douchey as the original.’ I had already determined on some level that they really weren’t sincere by his lack of consistent actions and follow through on his promises to change. Yet I was still holding on to my warm fuzzies of thinking about how at least he’d given me the pathetic kibble of some kind-sounding alternatives. But now I see what he really meant.
Oh my god, I got a few of those–sorry he couldn’t express his needs and his unhappiness to me earlier, sorry for causing me pain. Followed by “We BOTH know this marriage has been over for a long time.” And “I hope we can still be friends.”
Yeah right, asshole! I told him as I left that if God ever granted me the opportunity to kick him while he’s down, I sure as hell would relish it.
I love the line about the “marriage being over for years now.” The ex told me that too on dday which was news to me since I didn’t get that memo.
That’s okay. I taught him how to properly end a marriage and it officially has been over for years now!
I love that! Properly taught him how to end a marriage! Perfect!
F…er told my lawyer in court that our marriage was over 14 years ago and that he and I discussed it. That we were only sleeping and eating dinner together.
Right asshole, I was parenting our 4 kids alone and had no spouse for 14 years.
Loved your line and will borrow it forever….I taught him how to end it right.
Ughh. Mine did the “over for a long time” thing also. I was living in La La land evidently.
“We weren’t getting along” Brit you didn’t load the dishwasher correctly.
Yep! Mine used that line on me and continues to do so to this day. ????♀️
“We didn’t get along” was his excuse for leaving me after two months of marriage and my having to hire a PI to figure out why none of it made sense…. DD#1, PI found him in hotel for 12 hours!
My STBX has brainwashed my 33 year old son so much that my son had the audacity to call me and yell at me telling me that I checked out of my marriage 10 years prior to the my husbands affair (I forgave him the first time after I caught him, then while trying to save the marriage the second time, I caught him again and found out he had been cheating with same married women the entire year we were trying to reconciliation after a 34 year marriage). So, having my son actually be the person after a year has gone by of separation and trying to keep the peace among the family, I almost fell out…. and Oh, yeah, it wasn’t dad who gave you HPV, it had to be someone else…(I’ve never been with anyone but my husband, btw!)… give me the name of your doctor so I can call her and discuss this with her! I could not believe my ears…. Not only was I infuriated by the audacity of the whole situation, but that he would have brainwashed our son so badly that he would think it would be ok to even THINK it would be ok to speak to me about this or approach me at all. WTF!!! My STBX has been acting like he can barely make it, he’s been making himself very weak to gain my grown childrens’ pity. What kind of man uses pity? Weak bastard!! But he was Mr. Buff body builder macho man when he was doing what he was doing with OMW while married… no weakness there!
SoDoneChump,
My 19 yr old son blames me for “breaking up the family” too!! His father’s words, not his. My ex said he was not planning on leaving me! Yeah right, he screwed around my whole marriage so I found out! I’ve been legally separated for 3 yrs and I went on a date. My son, who lives with me by choice, got pissed and said “dad isn’t dating anyone”. I said really?!? He dated our whole marriage and I didn’t know so how would you know what your dad is doing. Plus, it doesn’t matter anymore because we’re no longer married. I know I shouldn’t have shared that with my son but I can’t believe how his dad has brainwashed him into thinking his cheating wouldn’t end our marriage!! WTF?!?
Yes, it almost hurts worse than the the infidelity when our kids see us as the perpetrators of the family demise. Very painful.
So sorry to hear what he has done with you son. Time heals these kind of lies. Your ex is obviously off kilter and eventually your son will see this and rethink this false scenario. Meanwhile keep strong. —Take care.
Wow! You don’t deserve to be treated like that by your husband or son! I know that narcs badmouth their victims but to turn a son against his mother is looooow. And he wants to talk to your gynecologist? WHAT!? Now Ive heard it all.
1. If you are in the US, a doctor cannot speak to your son about any condition you have anyway, it’s a HIPPA violation.
2. It really seems your son doesn’t want to think his dad is a total piece of shit that could abuse his mom, so this must be the fault of “both sides.” Your son is an adult, your ex can’t brainwash him. Your ex can lie to him, but your son isn’t a child, he’s an adult man.
3. Do not speak to your son about his father or the divorce (if you decide to stay in contact). If your son breaks this rule and slips in his father, excuse yourself and get off the phone/end the visit etc.
Your “flaws”in the marriage are not equivalent to cheating, your ex picked his consequences, do not let anyone tell you different, not even your son.
Thank you. I can’t tell you how much better I feel to hear the feedback from you both…. because I swear I thought I was losing my mind..the guilt I have felt has been incredible and I didn’t do anything to end our marriage. Not to mention, I left him the house, everything, walked away with minimal things to get away and start again. I was devastated, and now this. I honestly feel like getting on a plane and never coming back. Where I can’t be found. I tried to be friendly for the sake of the kids, forgave him, stayed on talking terms. Even delayed the divorce to allow him a year to have benefits (I’m the benefits holder) to have two medical procedures. what the hell else can I provide for this damn man? This liar! Ugh!
Same story here. Son falls for his father’s pity ploys and he rants at ME. I am sick of it. It’s a continuation of the abuse.
Hang in there, SoDone. Every hurtful thing he does to you is because he hates himself. Deep down he knows he is foul and that these actions are unforgivable. And he hates himself.
It sucks that your son is buying his garbage right now. Time will likely show him how duped he is. I think eventually, all turds show their true colors.
You are beautiful, and you are not to blame for this mess. It will get better. I truly believe that.
SoDoneChump, I am so sorry. Do you have good friends or family for support?
Right now, I think you need to be grey rock or NC with your son too. Your son has no right to speak to you like this. Hugs
thank you, Kiwichump. Thank God I have wonderful close girlfriends that are supporting me. My friends said the same thing you said. It’s so heartbreaking! He was always a loving son until just this past 2 months. It has devastated me.
I got “I’m sorry about the (burner) phone. But I needed somebody to talk to.” Whatever dipshit. When my son found the phone – he wasn’t “TALKING” to these women…..
I hope your son washed his hands afterwards.
Needed someone to talk to? Or something else? What a great apology. Sigh….
I’m in the no apology camp. “I won’t talk about the accusations you are making”. I had emails, photos and the special STI.
No apologies to me, but to the kids and his friends there was the explanation that we were getting an “amicable” divorce because there was “a lot of unhappiness.” (Well, what could he say? “I fuck clients and I’m a felony tax evader?”) Oh, and of course that I had just hit him with divorce papers “out of the blue.” (That part was true, as far as he was concerned, but it was after a month of legal advice / lining up ducks after last D-day).
In the months following this, while I continued to monitor him and document his hiding of cash with primary AP, I found an email responding to a different out-of-closet married polyamorous fuckbuddy (she had actually emailed him with condolences about the divorce!) saying that he was “sad”, but “relieved” about it.
But though he’s not sorry, my particular asshat (and believe me I saw a lot of his email, at first) at least never tried to blame ME about the divorce — he’s probably too ticked pink to be rid of my boring monogamous self. Not being blamed is probably the closest ANYBODY ever gets to an apology from him, so I’ll take it!
I got no apologies.
But I did get the every popular “Can’t you forgive and forget?” **and** the special STI.
Fucker.
I was suppose to demonstrate an example of God’s grace. (Continue being a chump)
When I asked X what was in it for me, he gave me the ever common blank stare & was speechless.
Yes I asked the same. He had never even considered what was in it for me as it’s not relevant to HIM. Not on his radar.
We are just extensions of the narcs ego.
OMG, I remember hearing that too, about the accusations. For YEARS he told everyone I cheated, kicked him out and his OWhore was nice enough to give him a place to live. During his emotional trauma, she helped him & they ended up falling in love. He finally just fessed up to my boys that he “fell in love with [skank] while he was still married to me” and he’s “not proud of that”. WOW. Just wow. My boys are not stupid, they have known this since day one (because on DDay he told them pretty much everything before he decided to rewrite that narrative and try to save face. This was 5 years ago mind you! My boys have only gotten smarter as the years go by, but apparently fuckwit thinks they are getting dumber as they age.) SMH.
Oh yes, I got
“The insinuations of my misdeeds do nothing to foster some kind of mutual truce because a lot has been said”
The insinuations of your misdeeds?? So that baby you had 2 months after our divorce was final just insinuated that you cheated?
Insinuating Baby would be a great name for a garage band!
Oh you wicked insinuator you!
I never got an apology, either. It was all about him, his needs, his wants. Much like it was during our marriage, actually.
The closest he ever came to an apology was, “You were the best wife you could have been.” Whatever that means. Asshole.
Same, never anything close to sorry. When I asked do you think you have any responsibility , he replied “Maybe a piece”. Imagine someone showing you with their fingers how much I tenth of a millimeter is.
Pile of dogshit ex: I’m thinking about what I did to contribute to the end of our marriage
Me: what’s that?
Podx: none of your business
And I still wanted to work with that. Ugh. So stupid.
No apology here either. Nor did he beat me up (on a regular basis) – he did and I have the doctor’s reports and domestic violence convictions on him to prove it. Apparently I also used to attack him – must have been with I hit his fist with my head then, or his boot with my ribs!
My ex-husband, much larger and stronger than I, told the Court that I cornered him in our bedroom and attempted to rape him. Interesting. considering that I was, on a nightly basis, barricading kids and me in kids’ bedroom and spending the night att a safe house.
Same deal here. Getting the crap beat out of you and then being accused of being abusive is Oscar Worthy projection.
I’ll add that he was awful sorry about what he did to his Pookie, and then gave me a lecture about all of the things I needed to do to fix the marriage.
Detoxing from that poison took along time but I think I’ve finally gotten it all out of my system.
Does “I don’t know what you’re talking about” in response to “why did you do this” count as an apology?
????
“I didn’t want you to find out because I knew it would hurt you. I never meant to hurt you.”
“It wasn’t about you.” / “It didn’t have anything to do with you.”
“I know you’re hurting, but I’m hurting too, and you don’t seem to care.”
“I said I was sorry. Why can’t you just accept me for who I am?”
Answer to all of these and all of the other lame apologies:
You lied, more than once, and the lying doesn’t bother you, only the getting caught bothers you. You aren’t trustworthy. You don’t care how your choices impact me. You are openly willing to do things that cause me harm. None of those things is ok with me. Therefore, you aren’t invited into my life anymore. Bye.
“I didn’t want you to find out because I knew it would hurt you. I never meant to hurt you.”
Translation – I didn’t want you to find out because then you would leave and it would hurt me. I did something I knew would really hurt you, but that doesn’t mean I intended to hurt you. I’m a good person who mysteriously does things that hurt people. Feel sorry for me. Hug me.
“It wasn’t about you.” / “It didn’t have anything to do with you.”
Translation: It was about me and how much fun I was having. Also it was about my genitals.
“I know you’re hurting, but I’m hurting too, and you don’t seem to care.”
Translation – this is all about me. I know you’re hurting, but I don’t care enough to do anything to make you feel better.I don’t even care enough to shut up about my feelings for a minute.
“I said I was sorry. Why can’t you just accept me for who I am?”
I want to keep cheating. Can we pretend you never found out about it? Consequences suck.
Loved this. Especially the first one—!
Do they all say this!? Geez. “Here! Let me run you over with a truck. Oh, whoops! Did that hurt? Oh come on. You can handle it. Why are you so upset? Why can’t you be happy that I’m finally fulfilled and have found true sexual freedom? No? Hmmm. That’s your problem, not mine. Well… go to therapy. That will help.”
Ugh so true!! Every time he runs into me (since we are in a small town) he states one of those phrases and I need to remember your translations to replay in my mind immediatly afterwards. Mahalo!
Spot on UBTing.
I definitely also got the “I didn’t tell you because I knew it would hurt you.”
After we got home from a therapy session one time, I said “I’m really not sure if you’re sorry you did it or sorry that you got caught.” “….I don’t know….”
The number of times I should have already walked out the door, yet I’m still trying to extricate myself from this shit show.
He will never actually be sorry for the lying and cheating, only for the loss of cake.
Same here. He’s not sorry, except for losing cake. I got it too: “I didn’t tell you because it would hurt you.” I also got this: “The affair gave us 8 more years of marriage, so you should be happy that I had the affair! ” (Talk about mindfucks)
Also said, “I am sorry for hurting you, but Im not sorry for the the affairs because I met two such wonderful women that I love so much.”
And today: “Sorry for taking so long to figure out what I wanted” (He has chosen to be with his hoho that he met on Craig’s list when he put out an invitation for a one night stand and she responsed—because that’s her thing and then they fell so madly in love —over bondage classes and sex clubs). True fulfillment, don’t you know!?
He also wrote just today: “I still miss you and our life so much.” But yeah, he was writing that from his mistress’s apartment.
So I’m with you SpackleKing! Ten years of two long term affairs— one on the East coast, one on the West. The number of times I should have walked is ridiculous… But
I didn’t know about any of it til a year ago Feb and then got sucked into the pick me dance. But done now. Done done done.
For your ‘doneness’ – and all others ‘doneness too!
https://youtu.be/PXRrySTujn8
This is so awesome thanks for sharing. While I am pretty normal for my age, I have had body issues after my now x told me I was disgusting. Oh, and for the thread the apology I got was he was sorry he was too scared of me to communicate how unhappy he was. This from a 6’5’’ blackbelt who cornered and towered and scared me horribly after I discovered the cheating and went Almost NC
I got:
“I am a man who walked away from a long dead marriage. Yes, I chose a bad way to do it. Yes, I caused more pain than necessary. But it was the right thing to do. I am an honorable man who made mistakes.”
UBTed: “The affair? It was magical. We explored undiscovered corners of our soulzzzzz! We laughed! We cried! We had amaaaaaaazing sex!” (But lest I look completely inhuman, I will throw you a few little kibbles of faux remorse.) “Yes, the little people were hurt. That was regrettable. But you now understands our paramount need for happiness! When the goal is happiness (who can fault happiness?), you’ve got to break a few eggs to make a happy omelet!!!”
I re-framed this outside of the affair and got:
“I don’t regret defrauding investors. We were honorable and just mistakenly committed fraud (You should see my yacht!) I regret that they feel hurt.”
“I’m not sorry I molested choir boys. I was honorable and just mistakenly fucked them in the ass! I feel so bad (that I’m under indictment).”
“I love money, so I mugged that old lady. I was honorable and just mistakenly hit her and took her purse (I bought this awesome bike!) I regret she feels pistol-whipped.”
I never got an apology from the asshole.
I was ghosted and when I tried to find out why, I was told ~ ‘See that’s what is wrong with you – you want to dissect everything and rub my nose in my mistakes’ …. Um no, asshole ~ just trying to find out what happened to the man who promised before God to love, honor and cherish me until death do us part….
I finally had to realize an apology would never come and to expect one was lunacy.
When I tried to get answers I got this:
“I do not like being made an incompetent, fool. I do not trust that given the full disclosures you are insisting upon that you will do anything but use that information against me in some negative way. I don’t like living like this…it’s getting harder.”
Owning up to your bad behavior is hard. Running away and starting with a clean slate is SO much easier.
Oh geez, Yep, just reminded me he would yell at me and say “stop talking to me like I’m a child!” This, when I would demand answers, or help of any kind, or…..
To which I’d say, “I’m not; tell me how I am talking to you like a child and I’ll work on it.” He never could give me a description or example. It was just his way of gaslighting me off whatever subject he did not want to be asked or held accountable for!
Translation – I do not being made to look an incompetent fool. If you find out the truth, you will know I am an incompetent fool and worse. Better to go hide somewhere.
That last sentence says it all. Ex knew he had hurt me many times and staying with me would require him to face his shame. Running off with her means he has a clean slate and an opportunity to not make the same mistakes. It pisses me off, however, because she isn’t worthy of that. I hope he isn’t able to fix himself for her although I would feel differently if he found a new girlfriend who wasn’t a selfish self-centered home wrecking slut.
Don’t worry, ChumpInRecovery, he will make the EXACT same ‘mistakes’ with her, and/or with whoever comes after her. Because they’re NOT mistakes! They are CHOICES, and cheaters make those choices because they LIKE it.
And I truly believe that most of these repeat and serial cheaters experience NO SHAME. They don’t like consequences, and they don’t like that they are no longer amazing in our eyes. That’s what they’re trying to avoid when they leave.
Mine seems to be making the changes I asked for so many times with his new girlfriend/baby mama.
I am unsure if I want him to make the changes for her or not. She got involved with him 4 months after he left me, during cancer. She was told I bullied, belittled and controlled him. I know she was lied to, yet she chose to get and stay in a relationship with a man who is capable of cheating and leaving a sick spouse to fend for herself. She also participated in keeping the pregnancy a secret for months. She insists to me that she does not have loose morals, but her actions suggest otherwise or if not loose morals, desperate to have a child and overlook huge red flags.
Now while I say the X seems to be making changes, I mean he seems to be more involved with her than me and talk opening about issues. But he still reacts to me the same toxic ways he did in our marriage and I have caught him in many lies. So it will be interesting to see if the changes with her stick. Just this week, I removed myself from contact with him because I feel he is using conflict with me to fuel their relationship and distract from any of his shortcomings.
Oops, thats talk openly about issues.
^^^all of this
When I confronted X about the lies he was telling others about me, he demanded that I stop “mocking” him.
Mine accused me of “taunting” him. No apology here, either. “There are some things I will never discuss with you and this is one of them.” He did, however, call my mother and apologized to her. Image management, much?
Yes, that’s what it is.
People in the medical world are told that they are to be polite & can apologize for something, however, they are never to admit fault or responsibility for their errors or breaking their oath. After they apology, they smile, wash their hands, walk out the door, pick up a clean slate & move on to the new trusting patient waiting behind door #2.
“I’m sorry you’re upset. You’ll need to get on some pain meds. and make an appointment with our mental health professional so you can learn to deal with your regrets and live with your problem/disability.”
I got “So many mistakes were made that it better to start over with someone else than fix them” also “I couldn’t tell you all the things that were wrong with you because it would hurt your feelings”—so couples sex, hotel rooms with whores wouldn’t hurt me? He also said that I was incapable of self reflection. I told my therapist and she laughed…how do you self reflect on your behavior if all you have to work with were lies. I’ve self reflected my ass off (AKA spackled). That worm got away with familial murder. At least he is fat and unattractive now.
Fucker…I’m tired today…tired of trying not to give him mental real-estate.
Sounds like my last boyfriend. So much easier to run away than face the music.
The only vague apology I received was “I wasn’t a very good husband to you” talk about understatement, after multiple affairs, the last one resulting in the pregnancy of his howorker.
One other line he used was “I just want to behave like a gentleman” – in the middle of a bitter divorce from me his wife of 20 years and an abandoned pregnant mistress. I am not sure any of his behaviour qualifies him to lay any claim to the title of ‘gentleman’ – scumbag yes, gentleman….err let me think…. that would be a ‘no’.
I got this the other day. Can anyone decode this / why cheating on your wife is equally as important as how other people were affected?
“ I hurt a lot of people, I lied to people I care out and I deceived people; you, [the affair partner], my parents, your family. I regret it all deeply – I never set out to hurt anyone, but I am entirely conscious of the ways in which my behaviour and the way and I handled things caused such grief to people who were not deserving of it. For that, I will always be sorry and live with the consequences.”
Maybe the other people are important to him for maintaining his image?
You probably know too much to think well of him, but he might be able to convince them to forgive him. Plus, he doesn’t really have to do anything to make it up to them. He owes you a divorce with a favorable settlement, etc.
The “I’m sorry and I will always live with the consequences,” is a non-apology.
They view themselves as the victim & are brushing off what they’ve done to others.(There, I said I’m sorry. Now, leave me alone!)
Also, is it not a bit off that he put me RIGHT NEXT TO the affair partner’s name? Especially given the affair partner knew he was married, knew there was a newborn baby & a toddler, had a boyfriend of her own, who she cheated on?
So whatever minor lies he told to her are on a par with cheating on his wife- and only weeks after I’d given birth?
Please, anyone any insight?
Yes they think the APs are victims every bit as much as the spouse and that one pissed me off too. Apparently Schmoopie 2.0 cried when he told her they had to put their affair on hold while he tried to reconcile with me and I was supposed to feel sorry for her for that because she got hurt. The notion that he considered her well being more important than mine (or that of the kids) really burns. Even Schmoopie 1.0 was “another good person that I hurt”. Boo fucking hoo. They all knew he was married with kids.
Mine said they Schmoopie was a really good person that *I* hurt! By existing. Can you imagine the gall?
I received exactly the same “apology”. I also got the same “apology” the first time he was busted. Cheaters are losers, their words aren’t worth a damn and they aren’t worth grieving for. Grieve for the loss of your marriage, your dreams, for being naive and for your broken heart but never for scumbags and scoundrels. That’s where I draw the line.
This I am trying to do. I miss so much my partner. Not the man who turned himself inside out and displayed pure anger because he’deserved his happiness’. To hell with the wife and five young children. When I meet someone else I will realise’what happiness is’. Pity I didn’t get to write my life story as he dictated
My insight – He’s a piece of shit Off the Crazy Train.
Sorry if it’s too obvious, but his mind is a chaotic storm of emotions. He cannot clearly see or understand what’s right or wrong. He’s had a moral breakdown.
Or never had any morals to break down.
Yes, they are all lumped together in his mind; “people who may no longer be good kibble providers.”
OTCT, this is a reflection on his narc thinking, not on your worth or anything else about you. Of course your name and the AP should not be spoken together as if those stupid pronoun-less sentences (mistakes were made) apply to you equally.
Good grief he sucks.
I got:
“I’m sorry you had to live through
Lies, deceptions and betrayal.”
Never a pronoun for who put me through all that.
Thank you, all you wonderful people you. I really just needed to rant that at some people who would understand. Much love x
I think he is listing his consequences like you would list what you need to buy at the store. His point is that everyone should feel sorry for him for having consequences. Because he shouldn’t have to look so bad to everyone, and that makes him feel sorry for himself and try to gain everyone’s sympathy.
That’s how I read it, anyway.
It’s the self-pity in the narcissistic/cluster B charm/rage/self-pity cycle.
AmiisBRILLIANT. Just sayin’
Yes, he’s ticking off all the potential angry objects in one quick sentence. This is the type of apology that suggests he’s chosen the strategy of “Hold your nose, say a handful of things, and the payoff is you’ll have erected a righteousness barrier between yourself and accountability”. Some cheaters are too impulsive for this and go for self-righteousness right away. Others are too dim-witted to know that there’s a righteousness gain to be had for holding their nose briefly enough to sound generally accountable, so they let their inner snark show right from the start of the “apology”. This guy is both able to manage his churning infantile impulse and clearly aware of the potential payoff. So he’s more toward the antisocial end of cluster B.
I like how he focuses on “ways” rather than “whats”. “The way I handled things”. As though the underlying “handling” (of “things” btw, not human beings, rights, lives, etc) was valid, just not the “way” he did so. As though it’s simply an error in the execution, not the corrupt foundation itself (I am god, all others must meet my wants, but it might have momentarily looked better within their small experience of my existence had I achieved all this using less discoverable deception).
I also like the claim to benign intent. I never meant to hurt anyone, I just meant to intentionally betray and destroy and mock all meaning in their lives. It wasn’t my goal that this should hurt them. Rather it was my goal that they should never realize my theft of their lives. Therefore I’m not evil. I’m good. Because hurt was not the goal of all of my evil. My selfish wants were the goal of my evil. I was merely willing to cause their hurt by my evil, but not actually pursuing it. See? Plus I mentioned that I “care about” these people. Put this altogether and I’m really pretty good.
I like the “deserving” line too. None of you deserved this. How gracious of him. (I’m sure he thought that to himself too as he wrote this line.) As if his immorality may have been justified had you “deserved” it, but he’s big enough to award you with not deserving it, god that he is. Congratulations, you qualify for not deserving. As if this is even in question and it’s a turd’s place to determine it.
And yes, to skip over the myriad ways and depths of his harm, distinguishing you as unique from a skank OW by nothing more than a comma, reveals everything about this piece of shit. It is in the upper echelon of cunning “apologies” and yet it is still so totally transparent. These idiots have no capacity or skill for dealing in human reality, only the capacity for appearing to do so. When no longer aided by our projections of normal human motivations and decency upon their act, they become easy to see for the pathetically empty counterfeits they are.
TKO, wow….you nailed it – all of it. Wish I had your clarity and understanding.
TKO
Your decoding powers are mighty. Very well analyzed!
They’re just delusional. I got the, “I lied to her, too!” deal, as well.
Sigh. And he was concerned that she was “showing signs of stress.” SMH.
Yeah. I guess flitting about on dates with him while my life and family were getting nuked was stressful. For her.
Snort.
OMGosh… I have been dying to tell someone this – BECAUSE you CAN NOT MAKE THIS SHIT UP…..
“I thought you would take me back again”
Translation:
“I thought I could do what ever I wanted – even though I promised you, our kids, our daughter on her wedding day at the father/daughter dance (when I held her close and said I would never her mom again), your parents and our best friends that I would never hurt you again. I just thought you would love me that much that you would look passed all this and we could still grow old together like we promised each other. I thought you were so weak and in love with me that you would die without me.”
Guess who is stuck with a cheat? the cheat. guess who is dating (after 4 years of mind fuck-up-ness), the chump. Guess who is starting to feel good in her skin? ME baby, I call the shots in my life now. ALL OF THE SHOTS, I choose what color for the bedroom, I choose what to do on a Friday night, I choose who to sleep with (or not), what to plant in the yard. Married for close to 26 years and I have never been single but now I am. Thanks Mr. Ding Dong.
This is the part where I didn’t choose this life but I am choosing to make lemonade otherwise the lemons are going to rot on the vine and be of no use to anyone.
Not yet to meh, but getting there, CN thank you so much for this website and community.
Hugs to everyone going through this, your Tuesday is coming.
Lemon squeezer. =)
I got the same.
Ex narcopath: “I just figured one day you and I would each get out shit together and get back together….”
This after 5 Ddays and betrayals, lies and disrespect.
They are delusional.
No apology but just yesterday, Bozo did tell me…’if you had only been a good and loving wife’. Thats as close to an apology I’ll ever get!
You should tell him: “If only your dick could stop falling into sewer trap vaginas…”
I got that too.
“I wanted a wife who knew how to show love and how to accept love. After years of trying, i now know that you are incapable of that.”
Oh, my. The ultimate blameshift–“I didn’t cheat because you _folded laundry wrongly__paid too much attention to the children___(fill in the blank)__but rather because YOU do not have the capacity to love, whereas I, the great Don Juan, have the capacity to love multiple women at the same time.”
SMH
???? lol right…. blameshifting at it’s finest…. it was puzzling to me many times “ you don’t love me, you are not kind enough, you were never open with me”——- all the projections while mr. amazing was fucking around, giving me shark eyes and cold comments, preserving all the charm and sweetness to his paid ho’s, coworkers, women he dated( while married)
Funny part? I’m a fun loving, kind, human being .
Ex narcopath to me: “I can’t help but love women.”
Me: “Too bad none of them love you back.”
(He has been dumped by EVERY person he has dated and none remain friends with him.)
Blah ha ha. Oh my what an idiot!
Eff him. What the hell is wrong with people?
Mr. Sparkles gave me this standard one (it should be on a t-shirt for these fuckwits): “I’m sorry for the pain I caused you and the kids.”
BUT… a real cake topper for me after he moved out to be with the OW came from his first wife. We had always had a contentious relationship in which I chose to not engage as much as possible. I always tried to respect her role as the kids mom (even after they each subsequently came to live with us.). I bought school clothes, paid for class trips, even help pay for them to go to Disney (Yes, I know, I know, I’m a chump.) SO… imagine my surprise when she tells my stepdaughter to ask me to call her… she has something to tell me. She CONFESSES that she and my husband continued fucking each other over the course of the first six or so years of my marriage (pretty much whenever she came upstate to see the kids or he went down there for graduations, etc.) YUP… one of his many OW was his first wife.
Her apology went like this: “I hated you so I was getting back at you by fucking him. I’m sorry. Now I see how much you have done for my kids and how Mr. Sparkles cheats on everyone. Just so you know, I did stop fucking him about three years ago.”
My response: “Well, I know Mr. Sparkles is a whore. Guess you’re going to have to decide for yourself what you are because you weren’t the only person he was fucking throughout my marriage.”
UGH. SO glad to be away from that Jerry Springer show.
No words … except let that be fair warning to us both! I knew mine cheated on his first wife before I married him! Chump in the making blinded by sparkles
I found out my fuckwit had cheated on his first wife 2 years after we were married, as unbelievably I learned it from…her!
I cried so hard and backed away from him, as he made excuse after excuse, why his first wife didn’t meet his needs
12 years later, I backed away from him when he did it to our relationship too
Backed away and did my own divorce, prose
Put it in front of him and said sign it fucker, and he did
He then spent the next year trying to Hoover me, date me
Ugh, go, just go, and while you are at it
FO
Right?!? Fool me once… not twice.
“You will never forgive me!” So no need to appologize?
“I’ve appologized many times!” Never. Once.
“Our marriage has been over for years!” So,…back to no need.
“I never tried to hide it from you!” After I caught him, he denied, I pressed with *some* evedence. So, it wasn’t wrong AND I MEANT TO HURT YOU?!!!
He SUCKS!!!
I got that same weird one about how he had apologized so much.
I said, “name one time.”
He was baffled. Actually baffled. Then he asked me “I’ve never apologized? Are you sure?”
“Yeah. Not once. In fact all you’ve done is be really defensive and and me.”
“Oh. Well. I am sorry.”
I got : “I wont apologize for falling in love”
much later, in wreckonciliation:
” I shouldnt have done this to the mother of my children ”
Is there enough distance in this statement to keep him safe from all accountability?
An apology that will never come…no point to wait for it! What is the cheater going to apologize for? The cheater made a conscious decision committing adultery equals disrespecting your life and everything you had together.
You will grief but eventually you will be in a better place within yourself with honor and respect on your own!
It was a non-apology followed by a blameshift.
“I never intended for you to get hurt” and “if that psychotic bitch hadn’t blown it up on social media you never would have had to find out”.
I’m sorry for the parts of what happened that were my fault. WTF!!’
KAR, This one is my favorite. He’s an asshole.
Oh my. He sounds allergic to responsibility.
“I’m sorry you’re upset with me”
*facepalm*
“I’m sorry to have hurt but you know it’s not all my fault. She texted me TWO times”
What did I ever see in him..
Early on, I got an “I’m sorry” with a very intense look (so I would know that he was serious).
Also, “at least I never lied to you.”
What about the “business trip next week?” (That was actually a motel an hour away)
“I meant I never lied after you found out.”
Gee, thanks. Because I saw freaking everything on your phone.
2.5 years later, right before DD went to college, he apologized to her “for my role in what happened between your mother and me”. Umm…I think that was mostly a soliloquy, buddy. She saw through the non-apology, to say the least.
My youngest daughter (17) recently got back in touch with her cheater father after 3+ years of NC. She has suffered daunting psychological issues ever since then. All Hannibal Lecher said, was “I’m sorry for the divorce.” Not for being a serial cheater, not for behavior that puts him at risk during the #MeToo movement, not for emotional abuse throughout the years…just for the divorce.
That makes only one of us sorry for the divorce, because it was one of the best decisions I’ve made in my adult life.
I challenged ex on calling me a c*** in messages to OW that I found. He didn’t actually apologise, just said I was overreacting because it doesn’t mean the same ‘down there’ – where he had been working away/living a secret cohabiting life. Told me to look for Mickey Flanagan videos on YouTube to see how it’s used much more casually, so I really shouldn’t be upset about it.
When I brought it up again a few weeks later, and that he hadn’t actually apologised for it, he said he’d said sorry about everything else enough times, so that should cover it and he shouldn’t have to say it again.
Chumplaura wow. The ow can be certain she will be called a c**t too.
But you know, its all just part of the regional slang. In hell. What a spectacular c**t he is.
It was all, “sorry, but . . .” up in here.
Sorry but:
—I didn’t know how to stop.
—You should have stopped me.
—I never really loved you.
—You never really loved me.
—Everybody gets divorced so nbd.
—You are so judgmental that it was impossible to be honest.
—Look what happened when you finally knew the truth! You kicked me out!! Sniffle!!!
—You did lots of things worse than this. Lots! So I had no other choice.
—You were not a good companion.
—You are unforgiving.
—I did try. I distinctly remember trying. For awhile. A long time ago. And you were not sufficiently grateful that I didn’t cheat. That one time. Way back then.
—Yeah, I cheated when you were pregnant, but I mean everyone has babies, so bfd.
—You should have magically known things and fixed them all even though I was a scary, abusive liar.
—You would not even go with me to all of those things that I never told you about, didn’t invite you to, and brought the schmoops to instead. How was I to cope with that level of anti-social withdrawal?
—You spent money on things. For our home. And our kids. MY MONEY. Bitch.
—You just do not share my deep and abiding connection to family. You’re too busy being the only present parent ever to grasp TRUE family.
—Yeah, you stuck with me through DUI and sexual harassment charges, but I just did not feel really appreciated and loved, and you are awfully judge-y about those little things.
—Badically, sorry you suck too much to worship me, sorry I got caught, and please be a doll and just smooth things over with the kids for me, okay? ‘Cause that’s what a decent person would do.
Heh.
Fuck all that.
My ex told me he just wanted to be with someone who didn’t get bored at horse shows.
Poor horses. 😉
Ha, “you wouldn’t even to with me to all the things I never told you about”! Oh boy, that is great!
Our cheaters were separated at birth, Cashmere.
Indeed!
I also got “You are so judgmental that it was impossible to be honest.” I said “If I’m not in control of who you screw, how can I possibly be in control of when you lie?”
Crickets.
My ex wrote this letter to me after we went to mediation. He actually says he isn’t apologizing… at least he’s sort of honest.
Dear Coolinmn,
I went to confession yesterday. I spent 2 hours with Father – told him everything honestly. As part of my reconciliation, I’ve been asked to write you a letter of apology.
I’m not apologizing for thinking all the words I have for you. I’m also not apologizing for telling you exactly what I think of you. Christ teaches us we are to combat evil in the world.
I am apologizing for screaming at you in the parking garage (after mediation). I’m sorry I lost control. No one should have to listen to that. I’m sorry.
Losing my family has been the most difficult thing I’ve ever had to deal with in my life. I will always hate you for doing that.
Christ also compels us to forgive. I don’t know how I’ll ever forgive you for what you did. Father tells me a hand written letter is a good start. I agree. I have to learn to forgive not for me, but for myself. I have to learn to forgive so you can’t continue to take my family
away from me.
Despite what you think, one day each child will marry. I will need to be in the same room with you for the sake of the kids. I will always hate you for what you did. I will never understand why you did this, but I will one day, forgive you for this. I will also refrain from calling you names as this demeans me. I’m sorry for screaming and calling you names.
The Troglodyte
I’d send that letter straight to his priest. Geez.
I did. You can read the priest’s reply above. ????
OMG! This wins the Non-Apology Trophy! That is so aggressive! What a world-class asshole!
I’m so sorry you had to receive that, Coolinmn.
It’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it that is the problem, classic
No. He. Didn’t.
You broke the family! Not his cheating lies and abusive behavior, but YOUR actions ????
I got something similar at some point
“ why are you bringing the stress and causing the harm to our family? I trusted you when you told me, that past is the past, but now I know you were not honest. You are destroying our family”
That was after I came across another evidence left on his laptop, not the first time, and yet somehow, his actions were not breaking family…. my questions were
Ah the majic of confession (I was raised a Catholic and attended Catholic school, so my apologies to any other Catholics out there) It’s that thing that fixes everything. Not only did mine tell everything to our local priest but he also went on 2 pilgrimages.
2 pilgrimages! Well that’s a double get-out-of-jail-free card right there!
I was raised a Catholic and somehow the teachings I received were interpreted as don’t cause others harm and feel remorseful for hurting others. SMDH
My X converted to Catholicism in his 20’s and was constantly telling/teaching me about what being a good Catholic was. Like he was so much better at it than me.
Somehow, he didn’t think to much that he lived with a woman for 14 years and never married her– and future faked her until she didn’t expect anything– was part of being a good Catholic.
“I have to learn to forgive not for me, but for myself.”
He doesn’t specify “I” — so of the “Me, Myself and I” triumvirate, only “Myself” gets the benefit of forgiveness. “Me” and “I” get no such consideration.
On behalf of me, myself, and I, this guy is a mental termite.
Excuse me … just to confirm .,. You need to be forgiven for not overlooking his cheating and letting him keep cake??
The guy is insane.
That was my impression too. “I will never forgive you for what you did to me.” You mean like holding you accountable?
My mistake. It was “I will always hate you for what you did.” Still lunar.
“I’m also not apologizing for telling you exactly what I think of you. Christ teaches us we are to combat evil in the world.”
Whoa! DARVO much? Jesus cheaters are the WORST.
Yeah, the priest made me write this. You suck. But you know, Jesus said I have to tell you how much you suck, combatting evil and all.
He’s a scary troglodyte. Watch your back.
Well, I did write our priest…
It just went downhill from there.
Dear Fr,
I am enclosing a letter I received from my soon-to-be ex-husband Troglodyte. I’m thinking you suggested that he write a letter to me as part of his participating in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. To say he missed the point is an understatement. To receive this letter from a man who dishonored our wedding vows through infidelity was humiliating enough, but to add insult to injury I have now received his forgiveness. Hmmm
I’d be glad to speak to you about any of our many issues, but I know that isn’t the point here. I guess what I’m asking you is that if it is your idea to write a letter to someone asking for forgiveness, that they send it to you. I have tried to remain above this kind of written communication, as I have received too many filthy, foul texts/emails that have had to be forwarded to my attorney for cease and desist messages to him. I really am unhappy to receive this as well. “
Here was Father’s response.
“Coolinmn, I can’t share what is said in Confession, but trust that I often tell people to write a letter to whomever . . .then burn it. Not it send it.
Obviously, those instructions were not followed in this case.
f.”
(I don’t attend that church anymore.)
Coolinmn, this shows the depths of his depravity. To treat the sacrament of confession in this way, to knowingly make an insincere confession without the required remorse and repentance, and then use that act to inflict further harm on another innocent person is to have engaged in several grave and mortal sins. This does not concern him because this beast thinks that he is God. But, he is wrong. As a believer you can take some comfort that God’s UBT is operating fine and your cheater’s final judgement and punishment will reflect his continued evil.
Sounds like there was more than one person in that confessional lacking in empathy, compassion, or basic common sense.
No.way. ???? <— this is my exact face when I read your comment! What a nutter!
This is really amazing. I’m glad he got this off his chest. #whatanasshole
Wow. Somehow, I expect that is not at all what the good father had in mind.
Note for next time: saying “I will always hate you” multiple times counts as a total fail in the apology genre.
First apology, articulated very slowly, with pauses between words and phrases, as he tried to construct the most amazing mindfuck of a sentence he could:
I’m really, really sorry. . . that you feel like. . . my family and I. . . didn’t treat you. . . as well as we could have. . . at times.
Second, award-winning apology:
Him: I’m sorry I lied to you, but EVERYBODY lies! all the time!! YOU lie too!!
Me: Okay, I’ll bite. Please tell me about a time, ANY TIME, when I’ve lied to you.
Him, after a pause: OK!! What about that time when you organised a second, surprise Christmas in the middle of the summer and you didn’t tell me anything about it! That’s one of your ‘lies of omission’ if ever there was one!! I just woke up one morning, with the kids jumping up & down on the bed with CHRISTMAS STOCKINGS, in the middle of JUNE, and I had NO IDEA what the FUCK was going on!!
(I planned this second Christmas after DDay, because that destroyed real Christmas that year for my children).
Me: Let me get this straight. Me not telling you about surprise presents and a surprise Christmas dinner is the same as you not telling me you were fucking the trainee at work?
Him: YES!!! That is EXACTLY what I’m saying!! It’s the SAME THING, but you don’t like it when I point out YOUR shortcomings, now do you?!
:’) :’) :’)
Good grief. I get this blameshifting tactic from the manchild exactly like this!
Surprise Christmas! You sneaky bitch!
Omg hilarious ????
You are such a con artist!!!
You win.
I can relate. For every horrific choice he made he could find one I made and in his mind it was “equal”.
So glad he’s gone.
I’m wondering if you could stuff him in a stocking. Or stuff that stocking in his lying mouth.
Actually, I was thinking about putting a very prickly cactus in one and stuffing it in another of his orfices, one where the sun don’t shine.????
Actually, I was thinking about putting a very prickly cactus in one and stuffing it in another of his orfices, one where the sun don’t shine.????
You are clearly diabolical. ????
????
I think I need a lobotomy after reading this!
“I am sorry for the hurtful things I have said to you especially in this past year 12YW. I am sorry for the cowardice way I ended our marriage. I am sorry I never sought the help I needed earlier on. You were strong enough to seek help and I should have done so too. It may not have saved our marriage but it would have helped me have the strength to tell you I was unhappy and wanted the end the marriage. I’m sorry for giving you reasons for feeling so much anger and hate.”
This came 3 months after D-day via email after a blow out between us regarding something or other. I had been telling him for years to go to therapy to deal with his childhood trauma among other things. I helped him find a therapist before D-day (she was actually one I’d found for me because of his mind-fucking). She apparently told him to go find his happiness. I mean, I guess if he had gone to therapy he could have had the STRENGTH to tell me he was unhappy instead of finding a ho-worker to fuck. Cause using words is harder than starting a whole new relationship when your wife and 6 year old child are home waiting for you. He’s right about the cowardice though. He was always a coward.
“I’m gutted for my actions and yes I need to own up to it all. I’m a piece of shit. The only peace I have is that the boys will grow up with a positive influence being around you. I only hope that one day I can look you in the eyes again. I don’t know what to say and I know that you will be better without me. I’m so sorry.”
Barf! The AP was still with her husband at this stage, but preparing to leave him. They moved in together soon after.
I look back on this message occasionally and see that he had every intention of ditching his kids too, not just me. And that’s exactly what he did.
Like a good friend said to me soon after this message: “He’s not sorry. He wants what he has now.” Ouch. But yes, exactly.
I was as given several apologies to chose from:
1. Im sorry you don’t trust me staying out all night wth some woman you never met.
2. Sorry you think I’m cheating with her, she’s just a friend you didn’t know I had.
3. You never forgave me for the first affair in 2011 which caused me to cheat. I made a mistake. Ps there were 7 woman total but I only told you about one.
5. I hate you. This is all your fault. You’re disgusting, I’m not happy with you. You make me miserable, I hate who I am when I’m around you.
6. You look old, your boobs have taken a major plunge since you hit 44, and your ass…. what the fuck happened to your ass….it deflated.
7. You don’t take care of yourself ( after I worked for 2 years to lose 100#’s).
And Finally the truth: I’m NOT SORRY, I’m NOT REMORSEFUL OR REPENTANT, I will NEVER apologize to you ever again for the whole,rest of my life.
He really could have started with that last one.????????♀️????✔️????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????
I don’t chase ????????
I got the, “I don’t like who I am with you” also.
I appreciated his honesty there. I think he doesn’t like who he is with most people.
What they don’t like is that the Chump SEES who they really are. They cannot pretend that they are this spectacular guy because the Chump now knows they aren’t. When they say “I don’t like who I am when I am with you” they are telling the truth–because that is who they really ARE. What they mean is “I don’t like to have to see myself as I really am.”
“I’m sorry it took this kind of situation to make you realize what kind of husband you’ve been and how you’ve made me feel alone all year”.
That’s cold!
The standard line seems to be “sooooorry” dressed up in regret … regret for what everyone else made them do, feel, react etc….. a total playbook of blameshift and if only you could be relieved they were happy now… narrative. My kids got a special email …group one so it took less time. … I’m sorry i was a bad father to make you into money grabbing kids” …#sorry not sorry
Never mind they were morally the most ungreedy people ever…. never mind. ..dad of the year had to “uncouple” himself from any obligations to his offspring while giving them a load of unsolicited advice about living a productive happy life. BTW i dont give ‘handouts’ …so noble now u say it like that…. I’m sorry ..
He just gives me too much ammunition these days.
This was when she was still lying to me and that the doctor really was just a friend. Still trying to make herself look like a good person who just had a guy friend while I was the one who was a terrible husband to her all year.
It takes a different kind of person to say that to someone when you know you’re lying and cheating on them.
I think they really believe it. That’s how they resolve their cognitive dissonance.
She gave me a few. I’m sorry I made a mistake! I’m sorry I hurt your feelings! Post dday, when I discovered she was still lying (shocker) she stated it was because she didn’t want to hurt me more by telling the truth!
Ah yes the non-apologetic apology. I got, “I’m sorry you got hurt….” this was said days after I figured it all out, had printed out the cell phone records showing evidence over a 4-month period of time and him laughing at me. That day he told me, “We are just friends. I should have told you so you wouldn’t be over-reacting.”. You only wish I hadn’t have “over-reacted”. Losing cake suuuuuucks.
Happy Friday y’all!!!!
From fuckwit – “I’m sorry BUT you act like your blameless.”
From OW – ” There are not enough words in the English language to express how sorry I am. I shouldn’t have overstepped like I did and for as long as I did.” The day he moved out she posted pics on Instagram of her “waiting for him to bring another load” … and divorce date a pic of a bottle of wine saying “I can’t wait to celebrate tonight!”
Apologies mean absolutely nothing when there is no true remorse or they continue to do what they are apologizing for.
Those 2 fuck ups are absolutely meant for each other. My life is better without dealing with him and his moods and lies and feeding him kibbles. My job now is looking forward and making sure he doesn’t fuck up our children. I provide consistency and love for them and try to not change a whole lot of things in their life. They were young when it happened so for that I am very fortunate.
A few days after my ex left his howorker was posting new decorating ideas for our house on Facebook.
The most uncouth behavior I have seen.
Ex never apologized because he ” didn’t do anything wrong “. I did get an ” I didn’t mean to hurt you ” every now and then, but mostly I got a bunch of crap about how I caused his to cheat. All conversations about the cheating were quickly reversed to being caused by me, which I guess means he thought I should apologize to HIM.