Cheater Freak Christmas Contest

xmas6I’m a little late this year, but it’s time again for our Cheater Freak Christmas Contest! Like the 12 Days of Christmas Song, only we count down outlandish stories.

This is how the game is played. You determine what parts of your infidelity story make you Freak of the Week. I want the weird, WTF details.

For example, Mr. CL and I know a fellow whose (now ex) wife had special wedding rings crafted for when she and her OM had trysts. That’s a contender!

The object here is to be as SUCCINCT as possible. No essays! You can comment on other people’s submissions, but each submission needs to be three brief sentences, tops.

Some examples (crafted from actual past submissions):

  1. Ex left his six-figure job to become a dancing yeti.
  2. For Christmas, cheater presented her with a half-eaten box of Cream of Wheat.
  3. The Schmoopies stole the chump’s parrot. She found the parrot, by tracking them to a hotel and singing the Sponge Bob Square Pants song (the parrot’s favorite). The parrot sang back. Jig was up.

Every day this blog is gathering new chumps and new stories. You veterans are more than welcome to submit your previous stories, (we never grow tired of BarristerBelle’s story of her ex who jumped around furiously in a sleeping bag).

Winner gets a signed copy of the book. (Some cartoons below of winners past.)

So BRING IT ON, chumps! Let the competition begin!

Xmas1freakxmas7freakxmas3freakxmas2

freakxmas11

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Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago

Is that the famous Tango – the parrot?

Bruno
Bruno
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

I went to XW’s school teacher Christmas party. Ugly sweaters, etc. They had a gift exchange where you draw numbers for a gift and then you can swap/steal the gifts from each other. My XW made several swaps to get and keep a plastic storage bin, which seemed a little odd. She knew who it came from and exclaimed what a nice “ice chest” it was. She could stop talking about how special it was. On the drive home I told her it was not an ice chest, but a storage bin. She became extremely irritated with me because “I always had to be right!”
You guessed it. She was having sex with him and at least one other guy at her school.

Llamalu
Llamalu
2 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Love how she deflected and blamed you. The telltale ice chest! Lol! Glad you’re away from that brand of crazy.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

All the newbies need to be told that the stories in 1-3 (including the parrot who sings Spongebob and had to be found after theft) ARE ACTUALLY TRUE!! Yes, Cheaters are THAT fucked up !

Nancy
Nancy
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

Tango says; “Here, kittykittykitty_hahahaMEOWhahahah!GoodGorlSponGeBOB!”

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
2 years ago
Reply to  Nancy

I freaking LOVE both Tango and this story.

Whoooooo lives in a pineapple under the sea, indeed …

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

This is the funniest thing! I happen to love Spongebob and if I had a parrot it would know the theme song too.

SYPP
SYPP
2 years ago

He left us (I was 9 months pregnant and our toddler) on a snowy Christmas night to drive to his parent’s house to pick up a dog cage to then take to a “coworker” who got a puppy for her child as a Christmas gift earlier that day.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  SYPP

????

no-way
no-way
2 years ago

He snuck into the house whilst me and kids were staying at my parents for christmas (after dday) and stole my unworn brand new cherry red dr. martin boots that he had gifted me a previous year. He was skint and needed a present for OW#2. We were conveniently the same shoe size… #walkinginmyshoes

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  no-way

???? wow

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  no-way

my FW took the motorcycle jacket he gave me (and that I used on his motorcycle) because since I dumped him (and his motorcycle) I wouldn’t need it. He wanted it for his next conquest. I’m quite petite and none of his next victims would even fit in it.

RobinLee
RobinLee
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

You just know he did that to make the next girl feel “small”!

Doingme
Doingme
2 years ago
Reply to  RobinLee

Just as they rewrite history they’ll use whatever worked previously. For the Limited it was updating forty year old sappy poems he wrote in his teens. All included ‘Dream Girl’, ‘The One’, and ‘The dance; the kiss’. The duping is delicious.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpNoMore

When my Asshat abandoned me out of the blue he took a set of love stories he had given me years earlier. He gave them to his latest flatterfuck. When challenged about how he could do such a thing he simply declared that I never liked them. News to me, a total fabrication. Easy peasy for him, he just makes up whatever story he needs to justify his bullshit, blaming us for being inadequate in some way.

Like your jacket and the red Doc Martins, the things narcs give us are merely the accessories needed for whomever is currently in their stage play. When we are shoved off into the orchestra pit they keep the costumes and props for the next one. It’s nothing personal.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
2 years ago
Reply to  no-way

Well, what did you expect? You hadn’t even worn them so CLEARLY you did appreciate his gift!

#whatanasshat #hopethosebootsareupherassnow #regiftingdoneALLwrong

I bet you were eventually delighted to get rid of him. I don’t suppose there was a scorpion lurking in the toe for her dainty foot, was there? Would have been apropos.

Lady B
Lady B
2 years ago

He is petty and trifling as we say in our house.

Giraffy
Giraffy
2 years ago
Reply to  no-way

What????!!!! I have no words. Now after that, how could OW still feel “special”.

Emma C
Emma C
2 years ago

He gift me with a GPS device that I didn’t need while buying himself the most upscale one at double the price.

#should.have.shredded.the.receipts.youdumbass

Chumpawumba
Chumpawumba
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

First Christmas together (on and off prior). I got him an expensive GPS system. He got me not one, but two massagers… because I was pregnant and he couldn’t be bothered to massage my sore back.

Luziana
Luziana
2 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

1. No one would help him move out, so he stood on the sidewalk and cried on his phone to OM to come help load half our furniture in a UHaul. I warned him if she showed up to my property her face would meet an ice pick. She did not try me.

2. They told their entire work circle they only started dating the day he moved out. After three years of sitting on a couch I paid for he moved an entire apartment’s worth of furniture and supposedly impregnated his coworker in the same day. She inherited a 47 year old 325 pound Superman!

3. But the math doesn’t add up.They lied to everyone about the affair timeline. As my OBGYN later stated, ‘The Calendar doesn’t lie. A Uterus is not an Instant Pot.’ I was so diligent about no contact I didn’t even know about the baby until a year later. He conned a third woman into triangulation. She would watch the baby while she was told the Sluterus was now gay so they could get away for fuckdates. True Romance!

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
2 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Hahahahaha… that’s awesome.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
2 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

As they say (I’m pretty sure this is Italian), “The first pregnancy can be any length. It’s only the later ones that are nine months long.”

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

Instant pot Bahaha!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
2 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Uterus Instapot! Lolol! I will remember that phrase!

Shannon
Shannon
2 years ago

While on a ski trip getaway with OW, he agreed to get a matching heart tattoo about the size of a quarter in the most feminine of places – his crotchetal/pelvis area, about an inch higher than the penoose and three inches to the right. Then he had to play hide the tattoo from wifey until he made his confession.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
2 years ago
Reply to  Shannon

OMG! So ridiculous

OverIt
OverIt
2 years ago

He’s 30 and a courier for a package company. He met a 63 year old woman who would tell him how handsome he is during drop offs and proceeded to start a relationship with her and screwed her in the back of his delivery truck. She’s older than his mom.

Dee
Dee
2 years ago
Reply to  OverIt

My FW started an affair at 60 with a woman who was 86. After I finally kicked him out he contacted her to see if she wanted to see him again. They’re now 64 and 90.

christmaschump
christmaschump
2 years ago
Reply to  OverIt

OMFG whatttttt?!

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  christmaschump

Hang on people, nothing wrong with being over 60. It’s a sign of life!

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

This space definitely indulges in age and body shaming stuff.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

An inquiring mind wants to know. Did Tom Selleck have to service Mae “Come up and see me some time” West in order to launch his career ? That was his first onscreen appearance. She was sporting a wig, lots of Max Factor pancake makeup and still trotting around on little stilts.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

Can’t help but agree. If she was 50 and he 62? But I’ve got enough battles to fight!

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

It was 30, not 50. And I’ve seen plenty of people on here be disgusted by old men with young women, as I’m disgusted by my ex husband screwing women our son’s age. We aren’t misogynists, try again.

Letgo
Letgo
2 years ago
Reply to  KatiePig

You know who bothers me? Clint Eastwood. He has cheated and double cheated on so many women. He is an old man and he is not dating an old woman. It would be news if he were. Maybe he has finished given up. It’s about time.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

I think this is a board for chumps to let loose a little and not be stifled like they have been for so long.

I have said several ugly things about his whore that I would never have said to her face, or really anyone outside of this venue except maybe my older brother, who is my best friend aside from my H.

That said I am 71 now and the thought of having any kind of intimate relations with a guy 20 years younger gags me. However, being intimate with my ten years older husband is great.

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

It’s disgusting to screw people young enough to be your child. I don’t care who that offends. I want nothing to do with people who do this. I don’t care if they’re men or women, it’s revolting. And it’s a clear sign to me that they’re stunted mentally and emotionally. Cougars and dirty old men are not cute, they’re repulsive and pathetic.

OverIt
OverIt
2 years ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Agreed. It has nothing to do with male/female and isn’t “age shaming” as someone said. If it were reverse and a 30 year old woman sleeping with a 63 year old I would still be disgusting. Not to mention the fact that this was all while be married. But whatever. Apparently we’re the inappropriate ones for thinking this way.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  OverIt

I agree it wasn’t age shaming. Come on George Burns looked like a skeeve with 20 somethings hanging all over him. I don’t care how funny he was, or how much money he had.

May West looked like a skeeve with young men hanging all over her. When a much younger person is with an old person you can bet that they are getting paid somehow. Some more than others.

This shit has been going on forever, and it doesn’t look any better now than it ever did.

The pay off may not always be money, but it usually is some form of money, be it a meal ticket, access to a career, or an outright wad of cash. Too many pay offs to mention.

MEJ
MEJ
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

To the people who are mad about what they consider ageism, there is nothing more devastating to a woman who has given her best boob years to her spouse only to be returned for someone 31 years younger. The need for a 53 yr old to seek out the attention of an 18 yr old is ABSOLUTELY about stunted emotional growth on the part of the 53 yr old, JS.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Oh absolutely the cheatings is the worst.

But, I am 72 and I still think May West with a bunch of young studs glomming all over her, and same with George Burns is skeevy. Thought it when I was 40 think it now.

We can disagree, but this is a site where chumps are free to state their opinions, and now we both have.

Phoenix
Phoenix
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

This is a bunch of age shaming bullshit, I’m sorry. The gross part is the cheating, not the age of the people. Using people for sex is skeevy- let’s not make it about age. Old people are not gross or disgusting.
I normally really like this site but these comments just piss me off.

OverIt
OverIt
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Well said!

OverIt
OverIt
2 years ago
Reply to  MightyWarrior

Definitely nothing wrong with being over 60! Just wrong when you very much know your boy toy is married with 2 young kids. And they’d send nudes to one another. She literally pulled her pants down at work and sent him a crotch shot at her desk ???? He moved on to his much more age appropriate 31 year boss from his second job he had to get because he got a DUI. It’s crazy how ridiculous you sound when you actually type it out and realize what you stayed through.

MightyWarrior
MightyWarrior
2 years ago
Reply to  OverIt

They all sound awful!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
2 years ago
Reply to  OverIt

????that’s worse than my ex; he’s 50 and she’s 62!
Mommy issues much?

OverIt
OverIt
2 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Agreed about the mommy issues! She even had the same first name as his mom. You can’t make this shit up.

Thirtythreeyears
Thirtythreeyears
2 years ago

1. He wasn’t happy.

2. He pulled a gun out as we argued.

3. I left him.

kit3399
kit3399
2 years ago

Hey! This happened to me, too. Except we’re in Texas, so it was two guns 🙁

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  kit3399

“Except we’re in Texas, so it was two guns”

Forgive me for laughing. I’m in Texas, and I get it.

LovedAJackass
LovedAJackass
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

You guys…you couldn’t make this stuff up.

kit3399
kit3399
2 years ago
Reply to  LovedAJackass

Well, since it’s all documented in police reports and court documents, no.

Although, he told everyone I was a lying bitch and I got blamed, shamed and shunned, as I said in another comment. It speaks to the power of society’s desire for cheap, easy grace.

The children and I are damaged in ways that can never be totally healed.

Dracaena
Dracaena
2 years ago

When she was on a business trip, the other woman gave her a hickey. She appeared to me and our toddler on FaceTime later that day and told this wild story about a random crazy woman who started kissing her at a bar and sucked on her neck for no reason.

Later, when the jig was up, I realized that the story was bullshit and confronted her about it. She said the other woman gave her a hickey “by accident.”

How do you get a hickey by accident??!

I pointed this out and she called me a stupid bitch.

ChumpyNoLove
ChumpyNoLove
2 years ago
Reply to  Dracaena

I also had a hickey story from my ex wife. She had them on her boob and chest and I confronted her and she said it was from our 7 year old climbing on her and playing to rough. I had already filed for divorce at that stage anyway. 3 kids and never once did their wrestling ever cause hickey type bruises. One was even exact size of a human mouth but hey.

Other was when she had warts on upper inside of her thighs and she said sometimes females just get that. I spoke to family doctor who knows what the ex wife did with the serial cheating and the doctor got annoyed over it and said, no those are genital warts!

Dracaena
Dracaena
2 years ago
Reply to  ChumpyNoLove

A friend of mine was once chumped by a fuckwit and found out because fuckwit was COVERED in hickeys. “There were even hickeys in between her thighs,” she says.

Fuckwit was a deeply, deeply disordered person who “really should not have been dating,” according to chump friend.

KB22
KB22
2 years ago
Reply to  Dracaena

My ex fiancee (way back) was in the Turks and Caicos (was still remote not yet a resort destination) and on the phone told me that a buoy snapped and hit him in the neck. He told me he had a hematoma and could have died! When I picked him up at the airport I said OMG it looks like a huge hickey…he got very upset because I made fun of something that nearly killed him. Nope the hickey was from some island girl he was fooling around with for months. She gave it to him because she was pissed he was coming back to me. She came up to the states within a month, pregnant with his kid. Of course we broke up, they got together and it did not end well. He has no contact with his now adult daughter or his baby mama.

Dracaena
Dracaena
2 years ago
Reply to  KB22

That’s the thing— a hickey isn’t even just evidence that they fucked someone else. It’s evidence that they fucked someone else, and that someone else wants you to find out. It is absolutely in no way possible for it to be “an accident!” At least your fuckwit seemed to know that, jeeeeez

Granny K
Granny K
2 years ago
Reply to  Dracaena

Hicky = A temporary way of branding your lover.

Tattoo near your private parts = A permanent way of branding your lover

Onandonandon
Onandonandon
2 years ago
Reply to  Granny K

I have the opposite story. I gave my longtime FW husband a hickey one night. I’m not sure why because I didn’t really normally do that, but probably I sensed there was an AP. I later found out that the AP dumped him over it because obviously his story of a loveless marriage didn’t hold up! Lol

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Onandonandon

Dang, I wish that I had thought of that

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

No, you don’t! That’s like competing to see who gets to keep the rabid dog.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  KB22

Your story remind me of about maybe three years before Dday, he showed up with a black eye. He told me he got hit with a baseball during practice. By that time he was no longer coaching a kids team, he played it off like he was just watching a game.

I wonder if that was true, or if whore had clobbered him. He did tell me once quite a while after he left that whore has a temper. Lol, he wasn’t used to that with me.

Dracaena
Dracaena
2 years ago
Reply to  Dracaena

She told our marriage counselor that she was feeing resentful because she was “too young to have children.”

He said, “How old are you?”

She said, “33,” and continued to look morose during the ling, sarcastic silence that followed.

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  Dracaena

That’s got to be the Five Golden Rings – Tooooo young for kiiiiiids.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Stig

LOL! I’ll add:

“Ferocious dog at kneecaps
TOOO YOUNG for KIIIDS”

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
2 years ago

LOL! I’ll add:

“Ferocious dog at kneecaps
TOOO YOUNG for KIIIDS”
Matching fish tattoos
Big bag of dicks
case of the clap
and a ….?

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
2 years ago

Ooh, a little revision–

Ferocious dog at kneecaps
TOOO YOUNG for KIIIDS
Matching fish tattoos
Big bag of dicks
Two Texas guns
and a ….?

Stig
Stig
2 years ago

LMFAO…you guys. Perfect

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Dracaena

I used to go to school on Mondays. This particular Monday was a Federal holiday so he was off. He came home with a broken kneecap BUT he called me at school )something he NEVER did to let me know that he was injured riding his bike (in a city where we didnt live) after being chased and attacked by a ferocious dog who he said he killed with the rock that he hit when he crashed.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I BELIEVED his story.

but I now wonder what jealous man caught him fucking his woman and hit his kneecap with a baseball bat.

Wow, maybe CL could use the “ferocious dog broke my kneecap story” if it rhymes with anything

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

A benevolent ER physician tried to gently explain to me that it takes a significant amount of force to break a kneecap. I didnt get the gist of her message that day…didnt get it for YEARS…then was like “ooooooohhhhhhh”

Chumpette
Chumpette
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

This is a great story. Can you even imagine making up such a crazy story after having your knee bashed in?! I love that dr for being honest with you.

My FW had a “car accident” then a just a few days later a window hit on his vehicle. He said it was random in a shopping parking lot that some guys hit his windshield with a baseball bat. I assumed that would crush a window, it did not. It looked more like 3 punches. I’m wondering whose husband/boyfriend he pissed off to do this!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

My ex has a scar on his chin from getting punched by the husband of a woman my ex was fucking when he came home and caught the two of them together in the shower. We weren’t together when it happened: he was an undergraduate student going to school on a tuition waiver because his father was a professor, and she was the secretary of his father’s department.

Shintoga
Shintoga
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

This reminds me, I used to talk to a guy who had cheater tendencies and he needed a knee replacement. Claimed he broke it falling over while on some kind of trek. I did believe him (long distance friendship and we never met) but now I’m wondering!

Dracaena
Dracaena
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

WOW WOW WOW this is a great story

HappyChump
HappyChump
2 years ago

He bought the OW a bee hive! I found the receipt.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago
Reply to  HappyChump

Kit3399, He is lazy, probably too much work to brandish two guns at me.

I’m still not over this. I think he would have killed me if I hadn’t left.

kit3399
kit3399
2 years ago

33, I understand. It’s been seven years and I’m still the definition of hypervigilant.

The guns (I wasn’t threatening you, I was just making a point!) cost him: a permanent protective order for me, lost custody of our children, a bench-ordered psych eval, batterer’s intervention program, anger management classes and a 55-45 property split in our no-fault state. And he had to give up his guns for 5 years.

But guess who got blamed, shamed and shunned? That’s right, me. Because he’s a good guy and “explained all that.”

Bag O Dicks
Bag O Dicks
2 years ago

I never had proof for years and D-Day happened because while I was putting a bag for goodwill in the trunk of his car I found his gym bag….but he hadn’t been to the gym in years. I opened it. It was full of dildos and strap ons….some of them were my personal toys. He had been meeting one of his APs in a hotel to get pegged.

A literal bag of dicks outed him.

BetterThanAWhoreChump
BetterThanAWhoreChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Bag O Dicks

Bahahahahahaha. EABOD! Wow. My FW loves that phrase. His ridiculous moment was when he tried to downplay the hookers by complaining that: 1-none of them really looked like their pictures
2-they only went for a few minutes
3-he came early during a BJ and she figured her job was done and asked for money for an Uber and he was pissed
4-another one wouldn’t shut up about the condom she provided that was burning (fire & ice or something)
Seriously! Poor guy fell victim to false advertising yet still used them. Hmmmmmm

Magnolia
Magnolia
2 years ago
Reply to  Bag O Dicks

haaaaaa! ☠️☠️☠️

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  Bag O Dicks

a bag of dicks bahahahahahaha

Chumpity-doo-da
Chumpity-doo-da
2 years ago
Reply to  Bag O Dicks

Tying this in to the ‘You’d like AP if you met him/her’ post from earlier this week, this could only be better if he had used the opportunity to exclaim “See honey, you two have so much in common since she likes to use the SAME dildos that you use!” Ugh, so gross.

And yes, yes, yes to the cartoon.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago

How to get an infection ? Use another’s dildo ????!

LifeIsGood
LifeIsGood
2 years ago
Reply to  Bag O Dicks

And we have a winner! #literalbagofdicks

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
2 years ago
Reply to  Bag O Dicks

Have you seen the company that will send a person a singing bag of dicks? You can pay extra for a version that is loud and won’t stop playing for hours. I am having a fantastic rage fantasy on your behalf right now. ????

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  Bag O Dicks

Now THIS I’d like to see made into a cartoon ????

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
2 years ago

YES, PLEASE YES!

Not this chump
Not this chump
2 years ago

1. He threatened suicide and then took off after accusing me of cheating. When I found him, he was at the woman’s home whom he had been threatening to sleep with for years. I then find out he has been for 6 years.

2. There is this sweet picture of him holding my baby niece at Christmas while she is sleeping. I later find out that the same time he was doing this, he was texting the same woman from above telling her how him and his son were all alone at Christmas and she’s inviting him over in these texts.

Claire
Claire
2 years ago
Reply to  Not this chump

When I’ve looked back at photos of FW to delete them, I’ve noticed that in the last year together in each photo and video he is in the background on his phone. He always said he was texting one of our daughters which I of corse accepted ????????‍♀️. In most of the photos she is there. I was such a chump! But now I’m limping to mighty ????

ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
ArtistFormerlyKnownAsChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Claire

Good for you Claire!! I bet you’re closer than you know. All the best!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

A few months before D-day, he and AP got matching, massive, upper-thigh fish tattoos.

KarenE
KarenE
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Fish tattoos? Now THAT is two lurv.

Bev
Bev
2 years ago

The day the cleaner told me she had found a huge tube of canestan cream under our bed with the ho workers name on it….game over.

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Bev

That is horrible for so many reasons ????

WhenLifeGivesuLemons
WhenLifeGivesuLemons
2 years ago

One of the reasons my ex gave me for how we were “incompatible” was that I wanted to get a campervan and he preferred tents!

Claire
Claire
2 years ago

I also can relate. One of the reasons FW gave to a (then) mutual friend was that I liked ‘Love Island’ and he didn’t! ????????‍♀️ ????????????

lulutoo
lulutoo
2 years ago

When Life Gives u Lemons–I can relate to this! Heard similar nonsense!

Shouldveleftthen
Shouldveleftthen
2 years ago

He landed for his first deployment after I uprooted my entire life to move half across the country to be with him and instead of saying “hey I’m safe,” I was greeted with “I want an open marriage.” After being told absolutely now, his compromise was to buy a (very anatomically specific) sex doll. But it’s ok, because I was going to be able to pick it out with him and we could name it together #truelove ????

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

I’ve heard of a soldier’s “pocket pussy,” but an entire woman?!!?

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago

Sick.

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago

He came over to the house while I was away to get the rest of his things, with my permission. But he masturbated in my shower and left his ejaculate to harden on my shower doors. I had to scrape it off with a razor blade when I got back.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Oh dear Katie, he is the pig. Not you.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 years ago
Reply to  KatiePig

Uggghhhh!! My Cheating Bastard Ex jacked off daily into my guest hand towels so I can relate.

FuckWitFree
FuckWitFree
2 years ago

oh my living god…the fuckwit lived next door to me for awhile that felt like decades. I had a small dog he tried to steal. When that didn’t work, he tossed his used condoms into my backyard for the dog to find and almost swallow. It still makes me want to throw up. It was considered hazardous waste by the cops, but they couldn’t prove it was him. JFC.

threetimesachump
threetimesachump
2 years ago
Reply to  FuckWitFree

Yeah, because used condoms don’t have DNA on them. JFC.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 years ago

1) Nicknamed himself the Vagina Wrecker in texts to various hookups
2) Used Branson, Missouri as his favored hookup location. (Very Seedy underbelly in conservative America’s family friendly vacation destination)
3) Declared that box mix chocolate cake was soooo much better than my homemade from scratch cake. (Said with a huge mouthful of homemade cake that I told him came from a box so that he would eat it. Kept the same box of devils food cake mix in the pantry for years. Would take it out and put it on the counter so he would see it, then bake my own.)

beanie
beanie
2 years ago

Branson, Missouri: Christian Las Vegas 🙂

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago

Branson, Missouri.

The one place on the planet I associate with milquetoast white Christians who hate any kind of friction. Especially sexual friction.

sleepyhead
sleepyhead
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

I live in MO and Branson is my idea of hell. If you ever want me to reveal any classified state secrets, just threaten to send me there – I’ll sing like a canary! [I’ve been lurking here for years and I finally feel compelled to post!]

Stigchump
Stigchump
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

Low key racism and religious bigotry, just saying.

Milla
Milla
2 years ago
Reply to  Stigchump

Literally where.

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  Stigchump

Meh. I’m a white Christian. I figure I can criticize my own folk.

Regret
Regret
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

Branson, Missouri

“ Homer says it’s like Vegas if it were run by Ned Flanders”

As a former resident, this is absolutely correct!!

lulutoo
lulutoo
2 years ago

Love your ‘cake’ story!

Martha
Martha
2 years ago

I wonder how many chumps out there got devalued and/or made to feel off balance/crazy when it came to food.

When we first got married, I wasn’t that experienced in the kitchen. But I tried my best and made new recipes all that time. I tried all different kinds of meat, but he made a comment that he mainly liked chicken. So, I beefed up my chicken recipes at home, but when we’d go out to eat, he’d order anything but chicken. So many times, he’d say he didn’t like a certain food, so I’d never prepare it again. And then a few years later he’d say that he did like that certain food and said, “I never said that.” about not liking that food. On our last anniversary, we went to a hotel/restaurant that’s known for their great steaks. We had a package deal where you had to order from a special menu, but the menu was quite large and varied. Well, he had to have fish and paid the extra $20ish to order off a different menu. He was always moving the goalposts when it came to food. I just wanted to make him happy and serve him things he’d like, but that was hard to do when he kept changing what he said. So happy not to have to live with that anymore!!!!

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yes, 100% on the cooking for me as well! We married young and I was not an experienced cook, but I tried and it was never right. I spent so much time researching and trying recipes to please him. It was kibbles for him. Then he would use it as a way to devalue me. Sounds like a common thing.

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  Martha

My dad had this habit of eating the first mouthful of dinner that was part of my mother’s meal rotation (my mother didn’t like cooking, but she did it and her food was quite good), kind of squinting and saying “this tastes different.” My mother would explain she’d change none of the ingredients.

When I started cooking for my spouse, I realized how insulting it is to do that kind of thing.

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

My xh used to do that too. Champion goalpost-shifter.

TheDivineMissChump
TheDivineMissChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I actually went to culinary school and have a pastry chef certification … saying box cakes were superior to my own was definitely just another means to devalue me. Never saying thank you for a meal or acknowledging when he enjoyed my cooking was another way. It got to the point if I tried something new, I had to ask if it was OK for me to make it again.
He liked to tell folks he was not a picky eater. But where my food was concerned, he sure was.
Abuse comes in many forms, especially if they undercut something you are particularly good at. They seem to have the need to tear that down too.

KatiePig
KatiePig
2 years ago

I made my ex a croquembouche one Christmas. He couldn’t find anything to pick at about it, especially since other people had seen it and raved. So he told me I ruined it for him because although he had always wanted one, he thought the best part would be watching me make it and I had ruined that for him by making it while he was gone for work and welcoming him home with it.

He never watched me bake anything. He would’ve been playing video games anyways. But that’s all he could come up with. Such an asshole.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  KatiePig

And the ???? are always being moved by these disordered freaks. We were expected to dance harder…

ChumpMeGentlyWithAChainsaw
ChumpMeGentlyWithAChainsaw
2 years ago

STBX got angry with me, 2 years ago this time, when I brought home some of the Christmas goodies that vendor reps had been bringing to my job. We had TONS of stuff in the break room so we all divided it up. He was mad, you see, because I brought him a chocolate covered pretzel rod. I know. I’m such a bitch, right? I’d grabbed one for each of the kids and, of course, grabbed one for him. He was SO nasty about the stupid pretzel and I was SO confused by his anger over it when I was just trying to be nice. Went on and on and ON about how he hates chocolate covered pretzels and why would I bring him one, etc. I told him he’d NEVER told me he didn’t like those and told him he was welcome anyway since I was just trying to do something nice.

Do you know how many times I’ve seen him eat chocolate covered pretzels in one form or another since then????? DOZENS. And, when I’ve brought up what he did all I get in response is, “I never said that” and he’s also denied being an asshole about Pretzel-Gate 2019.

Literally can’t win with this guy.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
2 years ago

pretzel-gate 2019!

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
2 years ago

That takes getting “cake” to a whole new level. They’re such entitled babies.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago

1. She threatened to sue me when I wouldn’t allow her to take half of the contents of the house just after she’d just signed over all of the contents of the house to me in the Divorce Agreement.

2. Just after our Divorce was finalised and the Decree Absolute was issued, she got upset that I refused to provide care for her (up to and including me wiping her ar*e) after an operation in hospital left her bedridden for a fortnight; my suggestion that this was now AP’s problem was – I was told – absolutely beyond the pale.

3. She still (6 1/2 years out from D-Day and 5 years from the finalisation of the Divorce) gets upset that I do not make small talk when she comes to pick up/drop off the kids (AKA Hostage Exchange). Apparently I am a “bitter ars*hole who needs to get over himself.” Who knew, because I didn’t.

LFTT

Sanpoutofit
Sanpoutofit
2 years ago

Seven months after my divorce was finalized, the serial cheating ex found out the value of my house (that I was awarded in the divorce) had skyrocketed in value. Whereas the house he was awarded did not have a huge increase in value. He sent a long email to my lawyer saying that he wanted to renegotiate the settlement…. because he felt cheated. What an idiot.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  Sanpoutofit

Sanpoutofit,

They absolutely hate it when things work out for you “after the event” don’t they? Ex-Mrs LFTT was absolutely spitting feathers when I got a major promotion at work just after our Decree Absolute was finalised.

Best of all, because I got a “clean break” she knew that she wasn’t entitled to any of it ….. but that didn’t stop her telling all and sundry how unfair it all was and that I’d screwed her over.

F*ck her noise; if she wanted to benefit from my hard work she should have put less time and effort into hooking up a twice divorced and alcoholic old boyfriend who makes a third of what I do. She traded down and she knows it. 🙂

LFTT

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

????

I got several promotions within a few years after fw and I d’d. I am sure he knew it as my daughter in law didn’t get along well with him or whore so I am sure she bragged on me.

Reality is my retirement plan did really well. However, having said that if we had been together he would have gambled my money away too, (what he didn’t spend on whores) just like he did his own. The only reason he didn’t gamble whores money away was she quit work soon after they married (before she was 40) and she never worked again. So she didn’t have any to gamble away.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

SL,

Go you! Looks like your ex traded down too.

LFTT

ShieldMaidenLagertha
ShieldMaidenLagertha
2 years ago
Reply to  Sanpoutofit

I swear, if there is a god, they definitely have their hand in karma situations like these. Beautiful!

Goldilocks
Goldilocks
2 years ago

I can assure you that there IS a God and He drives the karma bus!!! Beep! Beep!!!

Emma C
Emma C
2 years ago

Another hospital story

Sometime after ex left our house and was dating his coworker, apparently he had a heart attack or something. Good person that I was, I dropped everything and hurried to the ER to hand over the insurance cards that were in my name. They wouldn’t let me go back to see him because only the wife was allowed. I rolled my eyes and said, ‘Guess someone is lying because I am the wife.’ I was relieved and left.

He had taken my niceness one step further and given my name and address as the responsible one for all the bills. You know how it is with a suspected heart attack — every specialist in the world stops in and bills $600. As each bill came in, I called billing offices to let them know the situation and gave the his address.

I was somewhat surprised when he confronted me several months later and accused me of doing something that made the bills so high. He had gone from his mom’s to the Navy and then back to his mom’s and then married me. He had never responsibly paid bills before that.

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
2 years ago

It took me 4 months, $4k and taking a whole lot of BS to take my X back to court for a modified custody agreement so our HS Sr. 4.0 GPA kid could stay the whole school year and graduate here, which is 110% better than the tiny school my X made us split school years between for the past 5 years. The new agreement was finalized in May. I have custody, he pays me increased CS, I now hold the Health Insurance policy for the kid and X has to pay his 1/2.

Of course I had to get Child Support Services to go after him to get the back CS he owed me, and to start paying the new support.

Two weeks ago I get an email saying we need to talk about the kid’s insurance and I should just let X claim him as a dependent and then he can enroll the kid in a cheap ACA policy and it will all be great! (X just wants the tax benefits). Also, what’s with the college application stuff? We need to talk about that, schools, financial aid…..

I was happy to respond with a polite Fuck Off – he ignored me for over a year when I tried to talk about the college process with him. So I did it all. X’s part is done, as usual far too late with far too little. All he needs to do is cough up the $ from the college savings account he has for the kid to fill in any financial aid gaps.

And if he doesn’t like it, he can tell it to the Court. LOL.

RossLucy465
RossLucy465
2 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

Nothing I hate more than a member of Dude Nation yawning in your general direction when there is Important Bureaucratic MattersTM to discuss regarding children or property, then conjuring moral indignation after the matter is settled and they fucking feel like the word ought to stop and genuflect to the debris of their arrested development.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  RossLucy465

“the debris of their arrested development”

Bam, Snap

Schrodinger’s Chump
Schrodinger’s Chump
2 years ago

#1, OMG. My ex once texted me that he was going to “re-litigate our divorce” because he was pissed I got half his pension (that he unsuccessfully tried to hide). He did NOTHING during the divorce settlement, and let my lawyer draft everything. He got a lawyer at the eleventh hour, who said the agreement was fair. Such an idiot.

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago

OMG, these FW are so alike! Mine is constantly threatening to drag me to family court all over again to get full custody this time, though she agreed with 100% of the settlement my lawyer drafted: she is currently free from contributing a penny whatsoever to schooling or health of our 2 kids, she only have to shelter and feed them during the 2-3 days they’re with her each week. But she thought she was also entitled to spousal support, though she earns more than me (ludicrous, I know). I proposed these terms as a way to speed up the divorce (which she was stalling) and to keep my kids safe from her never-ending financial turmoil (during the affair she amassed a debt of the order of at least 40k US dollars that I have seen proof of). Also to dissuade her from seeking full custody. I feel like I bought her out for the safety of my kids (her AP at the time was a quite creepy POS), but with hindsight I think it was a good move, even though I am financially in dire straits for some time now. I feel that her lawyer too struggled to convince her to take what was being offered and not push for anything else (she told me he said the settlement was “fair”), and he looked seriously pissed off by her abhorrent behaviour in front of the judge. Since her lawyer did essentially nothing other than to show up in front of the judge and say yes, divorce was cheap for my XW. I am still paying my lawyer. I know it does not look like a good settlement for me, and have second thoughts at the evidence of her continual irresponsible spending, girls nights out, fancy resorts and whatnots with her new boyfriend (not AP, that blew away in her face), BUT… at least my kids are safe and have all they need. Sorry for the long rant, guys! Long time reader, but first time writing. Love you all, CN and CL truly saved my life and my kids childhood.

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  BrazilianChump

BC,

My D-Day was 6 1/2 years ago and our divorce was finalised 4 1/2 years ago. I left the marriage £25K in debt and she took a 95% of the equity in our house and a lump of my pension pot too. I was in deep sh*t but … and it’s a big but ….. I was always playing the long game. I got what was important to me: a clean break and our kids stayed with me.

Fast forward to now: I am doing very well at work (major promotion just after the divorce was finalised); I am out of debt and will be buying a house in the next year; the kids (then 11, 16 and 18 and now 18, 22 and 25) are safe (by their choice they’ve minimised contact with her) and; when she’s finished burning through the money she got in the settlement ….. well that won’t be my problem.

Best of luck going forwards, put your kids first and play it long!

LFTT

BrazilianChump
BrazilianChump
2 years ago

Dear LFTT,

thanks for your kind reply!

Congratulations on what looks like a very near Tuesday, kicking ass at your job and taking good care of your kids. It gives me hope to hear from your experience, thank you!

Man, I imagine £25K in debt was hard to get rid off while taking care of childrearing expenses and childcare itself. I had to incur some debt myself in order to properly line my ducks and don’t expect to be debt free for the next 5 years, if my math is right.

But also clean break here, she won’t touch my pension and the kids are with me more than half the week (she’s got the weekends but usually waives the Sunday). First DDay was July 2020, divorce was final last month.

Still far away from Tuesday, as you sure can see, but playing it long and putting my kids first just like you said. Thank you for the encouragement!

LookingForwardsToTuesday
LookingForwardsToTuesday
2 years ago

SC,

You are right; they are idiots.

Ex-Mrs LFTT ended up in a massive dispute with her legal team. She had misled them on a couple of issues (AKA told them a couple of barefaced lies) that they repeated to the Judge without checking them ….. which left them with serious egg on their faces when the truth emerged. She then compounded this by trying to argue that it was their fault she hadn’t understood the Divorce agreement when she had signed it and, therefore, that she wasn’t bound by it.

I think that her legal team were as glad to see the back of her as I was!

LFTT

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
2 years ago

FW was called The Great Dave (TGD), and our two kids and former BF two kids were his disciples in the Church of Dave. On Good Friday, TGD accidentally sent his disciples a text meant for Schmoopie HoWorker, professing his ????, emojis and all, so excited that he “slept” with her. It was his last church sermon.

After, he actually got himself into a pretzel explaining how they only “slept” together and didn’t have sex as “she’s a good Catholic girl”.

Still I Rise
Still I Rise
2 years ago

1. Fucked ho-worker in our bed the same day we had taken our annual holiday family photo

2. Shortly after my late December D-Day, he told me (and some family members) that starting on December 1, he had decided we were already divorced (in his mind) so it “counted”…which means he wasn’t exactly cheating

3. Said he should get credit for all of the years he didn’t cheat

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

What is it with these divorced in their own mind types, SIRise? Mine said the same thing – even told his family members – some were down with it – sadly some agreed with it. The funny thing is he is a serial cheater who cheated at least 19 out of our 20 years together. To this day I am not sure that we were EVER married in his mind!

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

oops should say – sadly some were down with it, some thought he was crazy.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Still I Rise

Yup. The day we were taking our annual holiday photo, I got pressured into staying at work (from 7pm to 11 am the next day) extra because of limited staffing. I slept like 3 hours before the photo and did my best to look human (being the super mom/nurse who didnt need sleep).

After Dday, he told me that he “knew” that I wasn’t at work and instead was fucking a coworker after my normal shift. No dude, I was actually caring for a critically ill baby in the ICU.

He used this event to convince himself that we had “an understanding” about cheating being OK in our marriage. I did tell him “If you had sex with other women because you thought I was doing likewise, you have made a terrible mistake”

Chumpasaurus45
Chumpasaurus45
2 years ago

Open up our insurance acct on line one day we’ve had for over 35 years together. Another woman’s name is on there?!?
I question him and he very nonchalantly says to me, well of course they need rental insurance, they share an apt together. ( that was my d-day)

Driving to his retirement affair with our 3 adult kids. I pull a pack of mints from the car door and show him as he’s driving.
He chuckles and makes a very loud car announcement. Hey look guys, mom thinks these tick tacks are another woman’s, hahaha! Like saying what could possibly be more absurd than that?!
( d day shows up soon after, he’s been living last 5 years with his minty breathed whore)

Martha
Martha
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

The XH changed the beneficiary’s name from my name to “person I’m married to when I die” or something like that. Changing the beneficiary generated an automatic email to our shared family email account. Well, I got the email and of course he denied making the change. He said it was always like that. He went so far with this lie that he didn’t change it, that he said he called up the insurance company and they backed up his story that he didn’t change it. Even gave me a name that I could ask for who would verify his story. I didn’t call, because he’s a lying liar who lies all the time. I saw the email! It said the beneficiary was changed on X date at X time!! More lying and gaslighting by The Disordered One! Life is so peaceful not living with that mind f*cker!

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Martha

He was retiring from the military and reconfiguring our finances and had me sign away the (more expensive) Spousal Survival insurance through the military. The policy he got cost half as much because it was only good for 20 years. When the policy arrived, I ripped into it to see 1) if I was the beneficiary or Susan of Seattle 2) his HIV status. It was the only decent responsible thing he did that whole year. Little did I know that 7 years later, he would drop dead.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpasaurus45

“Hey look guys, mom thinks these tick tacks are another woman’s, hahaha! Like saying what could possibly be more absurd than that?!”

When he used his Blackberry to communicate with Susan, and he knew I was on to him, he held it up in the kitchen and said (in the same mocking voice) “You think I use this phone to talk to SUSAN!!!” Yea, fucker used it to talk to Susan

T-t-t-uesdayhascome!
T-t-t-uesdayhascome!
2 years ago

Him: “Take this ammo and hide it from me.”

Me: (Brain-drained from caring for our beautiful 3 month old solo and exclusively breast feeding)
:::worries. Hides ammo:::

A phone call after brain recharge:

Me: “You should bring me the guns. You can always buy more shells.”

Him: :::screams at me::: :::never brings me the guns:::

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Sad stories and scary stuff.

I hope all the Chumps involved are away from or moving swiftly away from their abusers.

HurryUpTuesday
HurryUpTuesday
2 years ago

He started a journal in 2020 all about me that has only entries about how much this is my fault, how much he hates me, plus examples of my abuse and he created an INDEX at the back of it. In one entry, he alluded to keeping track of how many times I changed the empty paper towel roll in the kitchen versus how many times he did it and apparently he did it more often. That journal entry is indexed under: Microcontrols, Manipulation

For the record, his crimes are sleeping with 24 prostitutes and stealing money from my parents

Stig
Stig
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

I didn’t realise there was a category in the olympics for competitive paper roll changing. Huh.

damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
damnitfeelsbadtobeachumpster
2 years ago
Reply to  Stig

ha!

double flip and dismount from the pommel horse, holding the empty paper roll in one’s teeth. or 4 X 100m relay race using the empty paper roll as baton.

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

Wow, that is so messed up! When we were still married we found my gxh’s grandfather’s diaries after he died. Page after page of criticising everybody and hateful things about his wife (predeceased him) and daughter. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.

Martha
Martha
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

Wow! That is one sick man!

HurryUpTuesday
HurryUpTuesday
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

Thanks all! There are several more stories that could have told that equally crazy but this was the most succinct.
BTW, he can’t get over how “bitter” I am about all of this.

Lady B
Lady B
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

Tonight I have read CL and just been like WTF. Thank god we got away from these fuckwits. This time of the year makes me nostalgic but glad I’m free. Latest for me is zero child support from ex as he quit his job not taking the mandated jab. (Aus) New year will reveal his plans but sure he is on a downward spiral.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

This is some fucked-up shit.

The false equivalencies they concoct are so absurd but this one…theft and hookers = paper towel rolls.

My Cheater said that his betrayals were equivalent to me using bleach to clean at the kids socks and underwear (he had forbade me to use bleach and told me I was “defiant at every turn” for doing so).

Onandonandon
Onandonandon
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

You can only be defiant if you are a child or an employee. I don’t know about you, but there were no ‘obey’ clauses in my marriage vows and I expected a true partnership. My ex FW always thought he was so superior. He did not realize that any control or deference he got from me was because I volunteered it. He got a rude awakening when I finally left his cheating a$$ and his opinions became irrelevant. The only control he ever had over me was because I loved him and wanted to make him happy and he lost all of that irrevocably after DDay. To this day he is still confused.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Onandonandon

“The only control he ever had over me was because I loved him and wanted to make him happy and he lost all of that irrevocably after DDay.”

That was the case with my fw. Once he left and I had just a few weeks to get back on my emotional feet, I do think it confounded and confused him that I didn’t jump at his every comment. In fact when I called him and told him he needed to file asap to get our finances separated, he said “I know you don’t have a reason to trust me, but if we use my (his) lawyer it will save us a lot of money” I said nope, then he told me my problem was I can’t think for myself. I said, you are right; so I hired a lawyer to do it for me.

Then he said well I hope we can be friends, I said “no, I am particular about who my friends are”.

After that he only called a couple times to try to tell me how the settlement will go. I just told him to have his lawyer call mine. Once he got pissed and said “If we don’t do it my way, I will sell everything” I said “knock yourself out big boy” and hung up.

He called back a few minutes and apologized. He never called to threaten again.

eirene
eirene
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

WINNER!!! You had me at “index,” HurryUpTuesday.

ChumpNoMore
ChumpNoMore
2 years ago
Reply to  eirene

changing more paper towel rolls = sainthood

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

Holy shit

OverIt
OverIt
2 years ago
Reply to  HurryUpTuesday

This has to win.

Goldilocks
Goldilocks
2 years ago
Reply to  OverIt

OMGOSH!!! Run Forrest Run!!! This guy is certifiably a nut job!!! I think we’ve got a winner here!! Sad to say, pretty scary dude!!!

Sarah
Sarah
2 years ago
Reply to  OverIt

I agree with the win. PSYCHO!!

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago

1. He insisted on coming “home” from ho’s house for Christmas(“the kids want it”)and acted like it was a normal christmas( including trying to kiss me and hold my hand) then left before dessert because we were all so unhappy , texting “ I know when I’m not welcome”
2. Gave my daughter a jar of olives( she hates olives) and a small gift card for Starbucks while spoiling her brother with expensive bed linens and a comforter ( because said daughter had expressed her disgust at his behavior).
3. Took one of our cats without telling us leading to 3 days of searching fir kitty and daughter finally telling him we thought coyotes had killed him, when he then announced oh I took him.
Asshole!!!!

Mowmowface
Mowmowface
2 years ago

In addition to being a cheater, my soon-to-be-ex-husband had a raging porn addiction that included playing various online hentai games. One of the games he was playing involves supernatural beings like succubi, demons, sorceresses, etc. On one of many D-Days I had with this man, I asked him what drew him to this game in particular and kept him paying for a subscription to it for 3 years, and he started talking wistfully about this purple, big-tittied hentai succubus character like it was his real-life lover! He got all misty-eyed and very tenderly said, “Being with her was like having an older female lover showing me the way and guiding me on how to be a better man.” I guess he never told his beloved purple, big-tittied hentai succubus lover about being registered for 15 dating apps, having 10 escort numbers in his phone contacts/countless Google maps searches for random addresses and bars with a reputation for being hookup spots in our city, or about carrying on EAs with two different women while being married to me. Definitely what a good man does! Ugh.

chumptimes2
chumptimes2
2 years ago
Reply to  Mowmowface

Mine too…his favorite was a game called “Second Life”. (There is a great documentary about this game on Netflix that follows two people who met there, had virtual affair and left their spouses, didn’t turn out well lol). Anyway, gamers can make an avatar of themselves or a creature and have virtual sex with other gamers this way. Apparently gamers can go to a virtual store and buy genitalia of their choice for their Avatar. I just boggles my mind how this all goes down. Soooo…you meet someone or begin a relationship, and go to a designated adult sex room in this game and whip our your virtual thingy and then what? Do you oooh and ahhh? Make sexy noises while moving your mouse around? I just don’t get it.

Martha
Martha
2 years ago
Reply to  chumptimes2

I was just thinking of this documentary a couple of weeks ago. I watched it when it first came out, before the last D-day. Good to know it’s on Netflix. Thanks! Yeah, it doesn’t turn out well for the couple who left their spouses. lol. “Life 2.0” is the name of the documentary if anyone is interested. 🙂

Sarah
Sarah
2 years ago
Reply to  Mowmowface

How the hell do people get so sick and weird like this??? I know that’s untangling the scheme of fuckedupdness but truly-what the hell? It’s like they fall into the depths of wicked evil disgusting-ness.

Me
Me
2 years ago

Took her on a Christmas Cruise – while we were still married. Process of getting divorced at that time…but yet no shame with these FWs.

Idiot left the SD card in the camera – got to see all the vacations photos. Gag.

Promptly stomped that sucker into the ground.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
2 years ago

Made a nude video of himself for Schmoopie and “accidentally” loaded it to the family shared photo account. My son found it a few days after DDay. The attorney loves it.

BlueChumparoo
BlueChumparoo
2 years ago

That is so disgusting and sad for your son.

My exfw was uploading masterbation videos……to completion…gag…in our basement right out in the open. I walked down and found him in the dark, bright light of his phone shining at his crotch as he wanked away. Barf

I had given my attorney a huge file of all his gross sex stuff that I had discovered, and her poor new, very young assistant quit after having to make copies of it all. Family law is ugly.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
2 years ago
Reply to  BlueChumparoo

Sorry, we were married to the same type. No one really wanted to see a 68 year old man dancing naked. My son went no contact after he told FW what he saw. FW said he was doing it because 32 years younger Schmoopie was turned on by that kind of stuff. ????

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago

They really believe that. Ex is 63, whore is 30 How sad is she, that you’re the best she can do? He said thanks for that, that hurts.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
2 years ago
Reply to  Sandyfeet

The truth is that these Schmoopies are in it for the money so they serve up the cake. They feel great about themselves and then are inclined to spend the money. I am sure it is not their “hot” bodies or their sparkly personalities that motivate these types. The FWs are much better off living with these types rather than honest, authentic real adults.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

Oh my God…the visual of imagining how this unfolded. He likely STILL denied shit.

Xioba Xioba
Xioba Xioba
2 years ago

She paid her Twu Wuv’s delinquent tax bill— $28,000. I got a text from the bank asking if legit. She would yell at me for a $5 tea, but this guy gets a $28,000 tax paid off. Merry Christmas to him he’s a keeper.

Tony
Tony
2 years ago

Used our youngest child to schedule ‘play dates’ (his oldest and my youngest are same age and friends). She tactfully got me to run errands with our oldest. There’s no way they didn’t fuck while the kids were playing downstairs in our home

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
2 years ago
Reply to  Tony

Klootzak has tried to get numbers of mothers of DS’s friends to organize “play dates.” I cannot help but notice he doesn’t try to get numbers from fathers or from mothers he finds less desirable. I have had my son come and give me the phone number saying the mom wanted me to have it. Klootzak creeps them out. Pretty sure. He’s so gross.

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Tony

That is so creepy. In what universe do they dwell to think that is ok?

BlueChumparoo
BlueChumparoo
2 years ago

EXFW walked in the house and said, “Here, you left your lipstick in my car”. Not my lipstick. (Nice color, expensive brand, so I kept it.)

Brought the dry cleaning in (rare event) and prominently hung a woman’s blouse on my side of the closet. Not my blouse and I don’t use dry cleaners, like ever, never.

Found a woman’s workout shirt in my dirty laundry. Not my size or shirt.

While unpacking my son’s bag from a visit with his dad to Trump Towers ????, found a woman’s black sweater. Not my or my son’s sweater.

Proves that his skankawhoreus, now wifetress, is a scatterbrained cotton-headed-ninny-mugginz who can’t keep track of her personal possessions.
And my ex FW is either very cruel, or one woman is the same as the next as he couldn’t distinguish and keep such glaring affair evidence out of our home. He’s a coward, so I tend to think it’s both, and his way of hurting me and rubbing his affair in my face.

BlueChumparoo
BlueChumparoo
2 years ago
Reply to  BlueChumparoo

Oh, and he put coal in my stocking after never putting anything in my stocking ever. Having our young son ask why I didn’t have any presents from Santa, he put on a sickening Grinchy grin and said I must have been bad.
This, after 5 affairs that I had proof of, and he admitted. Ugh I was such a chump.

I never said a word about the above things I listed, just took deep breaths and hid them away for solid evidence. I think it bugged him that he didn’t get me to blow-up or react. Gray rock then, NC now. It’s the magic weapon against a FW.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  BlueChumparoo

She’s a lint-licking Cootie Queen!

Triplfyr
Triplfyr
2 years ago

Oh, my God. I’m laughing so hard at that comment.

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

I don’t think I’m a winning horse, but here are three of mine:

1) Continued to wear his wedding ring on a chain around his neck after he left “to honor our marriage”. ????

2) A year after buying a new Toyota Tacoma, he suddenly needed a new Dodge Ram Laramie “for the tax credit”. With the darkest legal window tint available. He who had never tinted the windows on any vehicle in his life. Turns out he really needed a mobile motel room, which is why I call it the Dodge Ram hookup truck.
(The strawberry flavored lube which I found in the secret compartment in the floor behind the drivers seat was “for us”). ????

3) I ordered t-\shirts from a friend’s company which say Do Good Be Kind. The day they arrived in the mail, he came home as I was opening the box and he asked if I had gotten him one. I later found out he had been with the Craigslist Cockroach that same afternoon. ????

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago

Oh, and the silicone cock ring in the driver door pocket was also for us.

And that weird plastic thing in the rear seat pocket of the passenger seat? I actually did not know what it was but upon examination I had a hunch and Googled it. Bingo.

A urine funnel so a woman can pee without splashing like a guy.

You really do learn something new every day.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Velvet,
1) Continued to wear his wedding ring on a chain around his neck after he left “to honor our marriage”. ????

How noble of him!!

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

It is beyond bizarre.

I said, “You could have honored our marriage by keeping your wedding vows.”

Ultimately there is nowhere but up after divorcing a disordered wingnut.

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago

Holy triangulation!! It seems like he was going out of his way to torment both you and the craigslist cockroach with that one. What a sorry excuse for a human…..

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

I have to hand it to you Velvet for not ripping it off of his cheating neck – I don’t think I would have had the self control not to…..

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

They use those in the military.

I guess they would be useful if their meet up places were out in the woods or random parking lots.

What is a cock ring used for? I am afraid to google it.

Thrive
Thrive
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

One use is To keep the dick erect when it is engorged. So my dday began when I found one and a half empty bottles of
‘Viagra’ in his truck when I was looking for the keys to my car (which he obviously had been driving her around in when I was traveling). He said he used them to beat off…..the rest is history

IamTheCavalry
IamTheCavalry
2 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

I wonder how many male FW’s are found out by the Viagra bottle being discovered? This was just another discovery of mine eventually and of course it got turned around into “it being for us”… uh, no. We hadn’t had sex in years at that point. And the funny thing is that he paid for that using the HSA card that was tied to my insurance/job. Of course, I really was the one paying for Viagra for him to screw everyone else!!! Classic!!

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago
Reply to  IamTheCavalry

Mine refused to use Viagra for me- said they gave him a headache – he would however, expect me to take him to climax and all I got was a limp noodle. However, he did have the pills in his drawer in the nightstand – I never noticed that he was refilling the prescription. On DDay when he left to rendezvous with his whore, he took them with him. Checked the insurance claims and he had been refilling for years. It did make me feel better to know that even his 18 year younger schmoopie could not get him up and running without pharmaceuticals.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumperella

The porn slobs always need pharmacological assistance, fried arousal synapses and all.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
2 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

And sometimes the ring is hard to remove so an emergency room visit is required ! ER docs share stories… Light bulbs, Buzz Lightyear doll, etc. shoved up a guy’s rectum ➡️ surgery.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
2 years ago

That really is beyond.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago

Yep, I always wondered about what they were. An ER visit would be humiliating I would think.

My time was pre internet, (so I never saw the term cock ring), and pre Viagra days. Up until about three months before Dday, the ex and I were having regular sex and we didn’t use anything like that. But, we were both 40.

Whore was likely just giving him better thrills than I was. I couldn’t provide strange.

Sarah
Sarah
2 years ago

God Almighty.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
2 years ago

The last Christmas before the final D day I was so excited; I got a $26 coffee pot! He listened to what I like! Price doesn’t matter because it’s the thought that counts!

Then I found out he paid for the Howorker “Not my girlfriend”’s divorce. He didn’t pay for our divorce! His parents did! That’s a whole other Friday challenge.

z.
z.
2 years ago

1. He says “You’re not sexy even when you are trying to be.”

2. I ask”Do you have a girlfriend?” He answers “I do and I don’t.” wtf

3. We were shopping at Victoria’s Secret. I bought a bunch of new panties. Next day they were gone. He gave them away. To whom, I do not know.

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
2 years ago
Reply to  z.

#2: Schrodinger’s girlfriend.

FuckThatShit
FuckThatShit
2 years ago

????????????
Any chance she dies if you open the box?

Trawna
Trawna
2 years ago

1. In early December, he said he needed until December 31st to think things through.

2. December 31st, he texted that he wasn’t coming home that night. He needed a break.

3. I sleuthed and texted back a photo of his newly mostly empty pack of little blue pills. Busted, you infantile lying coward.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Trawna

Our story reminded me of my fw.

He moved out the day after New Years day. He said he thought it was going to work out, but he needed to get away and get his head on straight. So, for a week or so, I was flying high on hopium (the word had not been coined yet).

Then he came back and told me he had cheated for ten years, he never loved me; and the only thing he couldn’t come up with for his reason was I wasn’t a good enough house keeper.

I guess fucking your direct report eases the pain of having to live with a woman who works full time, does all his volunteer work and all his laundry, and cooking and any cleaning that is done. But, hey you look aat that dust, missed that spot; take that.

UsedByGayInDenial
UsedByGayInDenial
2 years ago

He brought home a box full of butt plugs, jockstraps and erection pills he’d been using with my best gay friend and put them in MY closet.

Daddybod2000
Daddybod2000
2 years ago

Listen to the podcast on the recovering narcissist man who cam out gay in his marriage. Phenomenal! So healing.

SeenTooMuch
SeenTooMuch
2 years ago

UsedByGayInDenial, my ex also lived a secret gay life. I hope you have found the support of OurPath (formerly Straight Spouse Network). They have really helped me.

NewChump
NewChump
2 years ago
Reply to  SeenTooMuch

Me too.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  NewChump

Me three.

SheChump
SheChump
2 years ago