Dear Chump Lady, I’m a cheater and my wife is such a chump

Dear Chump Lady,

I know I’m not supposed to read this site, as I am a cheater, but I have found it very interesting and insightful. You are spot on, and I do feel like I am a despicable cheater. And my wife is a super chump. I’ve been married to her for 25 years, since we were both 20 years old. We’ve always had a difficult marriage, but we also had some good periods, and divorce is ‘not done’ in our families.

Three years ago I fell in love with A. while separated from my wife. A. lit me up, made me happy, and I feel like she was the love of my life, we were perfect for each other. We had an awesome 6 months together (just us, no wife in the picture) and I was certain I wanted a divorce. But then my wife found out about A. and started the pick-me dance in full force (as I have learned from this website) and it confused me. Suddenly I saw her benefits, and her love for me. We have two kids together, and our families pressured us to stay, and our 6 months apart made me appreciate her, and I stayed in the marriage. Since that point I have always been clear with A. that I wouldn’t leave my wife.

Anyway, long story short, I never got a divorce, and I couldn’t give up my affair partner. I am the most indecisive person in the world. I had a 2.5 year affair, and I ultimately chose my wife and my kids. I’ve been broken up with A. for 8 months now and I moved back in with my wife 6 months ago, but I regret it every day. I made the wrong choice, but A. wants nothing to do with me anymore (understandably) and has not responded to any contact from me (doing the no contact as you also recommend on this website — it works — I hate that she’s moving on).

But now I am blaming my wife for being such a chump. I’ve been reading this site for a while, and my wife is the chumpiest of them all. Sometimes I wonder why she loves me and why she even still wants me. Our marriage is not great, we are just living day to day. I now remember why I wanted out of the marriage in the first place. We have lots of arguments. She’s been such a chump, and pick me dancing so hard, and throwing her love at me, and loving me ‘unconditionally’, basically refusing to divorce me. Because of her unwillingness to leave the marriage I am now stuck in it. And unhappier than ever. I have wanted to divorce her several times, and I told her that, and every time she talked her way out of it. If she had just left this marriage, I could have been with A. But she refused. Now I have to suck it up, and make the best of my situation (divorce will never happen — my wife will refuse), but internally I am heartbroken and longing for A. I resent my wife for not leaving the marriage. I guess I was too weak to do it myself.

Anyway, rambling on, I forgot my question. I guess you could always put it through the bullshit translator. Anyway, here’s a lesson for all: don’t cheat.

Yoyo

Dear Yoyo,

Thanks for the public service announcement. Not about cheating (DUH, this is a site of people who’ve been cheated on), but for being the sort of flaming fuckwit who thinks I give a single shit about his unhappiness. Really dude, you’re going to try the self-pity mindfuck channel on ME? Yeah, no. I’m running your letter because it’s a nice look into the rancid oatmeal of a cheater’s brain. If anyone was ever a poster child for “Leave a cheater, gain a life” it’s you. Try and save your marriage, chumps? Your reward is the cheater’s condescension, blameshifting, and revulsion.

Sound familiar, CN? It’s All Your Fault! What you do, don’t do, considered doing, or once read about doing — it’s WRONG. Don’t try and correct course, because that’s wrong too. The ONLY sane move with an asshole like Yoyo is to leave the game.

Yoyo, I’m not going to UBT your bullshit. The UBT is worn out from UBTing Robert Weiss yesterday. And I’m spending the morning under general anesthesia. So I’m just going to leave it to Chump Nation to UBT your letter. Maybe nuggets o’ stupid like “I resent my wife for not leaving the marriage” or “Suddenly I saw her benefits” (like she was a piece of quality livestock) or “just us, no wife in the picture.” (Nice how you conveniently erased two children.)

Have at it, CN.

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allfornothing
allfornothing
6 years ago

??? Burnt!!!

That anaesthesia has bought out the best in you CL. Too funny!

Sanity
Sanity
6 years ago
Reply to  allfornothing

Does anyone here think it’s the OW who wrote this one ?

The only one who comes out a little sane in the whole melodrama is the OW because yo-yo informs us that she left once he went back.Someone down thread also said that she is a good person for doing that.

There is so much self derision , which is totally out of character in a cheater ,right down to the name chosen.Yoyo , don’t you think that’s what an OW would think of this man once he went back to his wife.

And what he writes about the wife ,we all know that is exactly what these OWs think about wives.

I see this as pure vitriol spouted by an OW because the couple has reconciled and the man has gone NC on her.

The cheater was never going to leave his wife.See the reason given in the letter .We don’t divorce in our families.That sounds like the BS fed by cheaters to these OWs to get rid of them.

A cheater may not get off on the ridicule he knew he would face here but an OW left out in the cold would get vicarious thrills at all the derisive comments thrown at the cheater.

And all our sympathy and empathy for the wife and wishing for her to leave the cheater ?I can see the OW going into raptures .

So , OW fuck off.CN is too smart to fall for your drivel.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  allfornothing

We could all use some anesthesia after reading that letter.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

couldn’t we indeed!

Chumporama
Chumporama
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Ok so I’m a male Chump still not free yet of Sparkles the shitty Unicorn. But working my mind up to it – wish me luck I guess I need to catch her at another affair to push me over the edge,…That said, doesn’t publishing this idiots submission just provide him with kibbles? Negative attention isn’t as good as admiration but no attention seems to be the ultimate way to go – from what the site advocates in regards to no contact. Or am I missing something?

Thx

Your faithful Chump

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumporama

Hey Chumporama,

I think by publishing his letter Chump Lady is making the point that even if a chump stays and tries to reconcile/save the marriage, the idiot cheater STILL disrespects and blames the chump for not being ______________ [fill in the blank with whatever the cheater has convinced him/herself that the chump lacks that makes it okay to cheat]. No matter what the chump say or does, it’s never going to be right or enough for the entitled cheater.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumporama

Hey Chumporama —

You are in such a great place to be (for a terrible situation). You can make a plan. Other chumps on here can help. At a minimum, get your finances in order, separated from darling cheater’s. Figure out some boundaries to protect your emotions and your mental state.

You can tell people, not just anyone, of course, but one or two people who she respects and admires, and who might have influence on her.

You can demand that she quit her job.

Stay calm. Think clearly. Take your time. Make a plan. I have listed some options, there are others.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Please tell me this is a fake letter. A TROLL???

Surely no one can lack so much self awareness as to come HERE – and whine like a man/boy who stills wears and soils his own diaper, then stomps his feet that his chump wife won’t change HIS SHIT fast enough. And it stinks….

But then I think, YES there are narcs in our world! I’m not a DOCTOR *(but my soon to be x husband is)

And this guy has narcissist personality disorder, (for which he will seek zero treatment.) Talk abut blaming the victim. OMG…

What a hideous father figure he is. I Hope his chump wife gets a real man next time, b/c they are better lovers than man/boys who are this shitty. OR just leave the cheater and gain a life…

Mehphista
Mehphista
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Talk about earning your Percocet….

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wishing you a speedy recovery and great results!

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wishing a quick recovery! My daughter had a very similar surgery. It went quite well, she recovered quickly and it gave her quite a bit of relief. Post-recovery was much better than we expected. Being my child, she had a second nose injury (contact sports, so hopefully you won’t have that issue), so we are waiting to see if she needs a redo. The surgery really does help. Take good care of yourself and give yourself time to heal!

Tundra Woman
Tundra Woman
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Did you read the menu, Tracy? May I recommend a Super Shot of Demerol with a liquid Valium chaser as an appetizer? I call it, “The Happy Place”-and usually the last one I remember.

Unfortunately everyone else does remember-And they have extortion worthy pictures!)
Take care, have a remarkably uneventful recovery!

Penny Dreadful
Penny Dreadful
6 years ago
Reply to  Tundra Woman

When I had my last surgery, the anesthesiologist called it “Milk of Amnesia”…nothing like being loopy from the Valium and having a great belly laugh before you drift off!

Crimson Comet
Crimson Comet
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wishing you a speedy recovery!

Reading this letter makes me so glad I divorced my narcissistic ex. This letter clearly shows how there is nothing a chump can do that’s not faulted or subject to blame. I’m faulted and blamed by him and his flying monkeys, but I don’t care because I don’t have to put up with his nonsense anymore! Leave a cheater, Gain a life!

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Crimson Comet

Agree 100%! My X could have written this verbatim. Sick fucker.

I finally unchumped, took him to the cleaners in the divorce (I got 70% of everything), went completely no contact, have an amazing new job, a hot sweetheart of a boyfriend who respects me and wants to be with me and only me, my kids are finally doing better. I’m at meh. Life is great!

X’s life? Looks like it’s awful–his health is bad, AP treats him like shit, he’s cheated on her and she’s “openly” dating young guys her age (20 years younger than X) and rubbing his nose in it. Not my monkey not my circus.

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago

Ha ha karma kicked his ass

Patience
Patience
6 years ago

Yes!!!! You go@!

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Speedy recovery, Chump Lady! We’ll miss you!

Yoyo is just like my STBX who the other day invited me and my mom to talk over coffee (I thought to discuss the points of the separation agreement) about his unhappiness with my indecision to leave him when he suggested it twice over the course of 12 years. Both times there was no specific reason but ” I am not made for family”, “we don’t have chemistry” bullshit. I asked both times, and for years in between, about the presence of OWs but he vehemently refused. So I stayed, begged him to work on the relationship and upped my dance until DDays 1 and 2. After I told it quits he then begged to keep the family intact but also resented me during wreckonciliation and his entitlement and fuckwitty attitude started showing off pretty much after 2 months of what I thought was saving my family. Now the cheater does not want me to divorce him but reunite and accept his minor peculiarities. He haz sadz. He actually told me he was very sad and upset with me that I “spent so much on legal fees instead of directing this money to our son’s college fund”. My chumpy reaction would have been trying to understand why he was sad and upset and then rationally explaining my actions = engaging. My CL-infused mighty reaction to his statement was: “Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh poor cheater. Sorry I upset you and you feel hurt” with an unquestionable “I don’t give a fuck” written all over my face.

That 5 hour conversation last Saturday would have burned the UBT app….

NOW-I-KNOW-WHAT-HELL-LOOKS-LIKE
NOW-I-KNOW-WHAT-HELL-LOOKS-LIKE
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

I may just be having an off day but for some reason my BS Sensor thinks that Yo-Yo is actually Elle fucking around because it’s bored. If I’m wrong and you are here reading today E, have a shitty day. ?

Darkstar
Darkstar
6 years ago

I smell a troll for sure

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago

I agree Now-I-Know – this entire post smells awfully fishy to me.

So, no comment for a troll.

Differently Chumped
Differently Chumped
6 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

Me too. My Sense-A-Troll was lighting up like crazy when I read this.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

Omg– this! “He actually told me he was very sad and upset with me that I “spent so much on legal fees instead of directing this money to our son’s college fund”.

I got that exact same manipulation before I went no contact. My ex earns $1 million a year and our son goes to community college. This is total bullshit. He just didn’t want me to kick his ass with my excellent lawyer. Which I did!

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago

Please share about the settlement. I’m in the midst of a fight over spousal support. He makes $400k. I gave up a $200k job to raise our daughter while he traveled and fucked whomever he wanted. (I was the big earner the early years of our marriage.)

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

Giddy, not mighty in this particular space. Sorry. Not fighting for assets. He was the main breadwinner when we lived together in the middle east. I did not speak the language so was limited in my job options although I worked full time as well. Here in Canada I have a good income while he shows a minimal one. I chose to not go after this because of the cross-country fights and legal fees and also out of fear for my son. If all goes well and we part amicably, son will spend christmasses and parts of summers with his dad who is great at setting up adventures. I will have him most of the time. If we go into a war there is international custody issues arising where he can just keep son with him permanently. I consulted with lawyers and there is no 100% guarantee. He would not do that because of child rearing responsibilities and efforts. He may also fear losing his canadian citizenship if he chooses that route. But his wires are different. Who knows what he may do or not do. So I am playing it safely. Not mightly.

Patience
Patience
6 years ago

Good for you!! I love ass kicking of these jerks.

Susan
Susan
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

OMG, my STBX said the exact same thing. “You are choosing to line the pockets of a rich lawyer instead of putting money toward our children’s college. I guess you care more about your attorney than your children.” Meanwhile, he is living with his OW and her children and hardly seeing his own children at all!

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Haha do they have a manual !! Mine had the line ” it would be pointless the enrich lawyers” while simultaneously lawyering up before we even got to our second mediation. I finally realised he has a totally different take on history when he started pronouncing that i made him do it despite having black and white proof ofhis legal bills before our mediation.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan

My STBX wanted me to just meet with his attorney to work out a dissolution. I told him I was willing to work toward a dissolution but wanted my own attorney. Then when OW#1 came back on the scene wanting child support for the kid he apparently fathered, he accused me of “letting OW#1 get more money and less for our kids because that child support order would get decided before ours would…” all because I had to have my own attorney and draw the divorce out.

And he was living with OW#2 and giving her a paycheck to try and hide income. But yeah…I am the one who is at fault for our kids having less money.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan

I’m glad my fuckwit didn’t try that argument. $30000 on a lawyer(because he gave zero cooperation) compared to the $400000 he stole from his family? That would have been fun to respond to but I would have refrained(now). It would have been tough…

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Cheaters are shockingly despicable almost cartoonlike in their words and actions

Sunflower36
Sunflower36
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Ditto on the girlfriend and kids. We’re both broke and just got a “divorce in a box” so no attorney fees involved. But yeah, a month later, he was moving her and them in…. her husband helped.

Fucked up.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunflower36

Probably helped to make sure she out. Wow.

Calgal1
Calgal1
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Susan, you and I are married to the same man! Does your cheater also try to spin it around that you are the “entitled” one because you are attempting to get your rightful share of marital assets?

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Calgal1

Calgal1, LTC here and of course I am the entitled one. Not even trying to go after his assets because whatever he has is in his home country where we lived for 6 years and I have no intentions for an international-scale battle. I have lived in Canada for the past 6 years in a long distance marriage while he conveniently enjoyed the perks of a bachelor life under the disguise of business and taking care of his sick dad and family properties in his home country. No assets here either. In fact, he has been showing minimal income here so he may potentially go after my pension plan and savings. But even with this generosity of leaving him alone and me agreeing on 50-50 custody I am still the “entitled and egoistic one that always cared about my needs and never cared for him”. This is a particular mindfuck because I have been the one carrying slack not only for his constant absence in our lives even when we lived together but also helping out (financially as well) my entire extended family. I ended up with no savings and no assets in my mid 40s because of that. But I have myself. I will recreate as I always have. I have a good job. My son is with me most of the time. I am leaving a cheater and gaining a life thanks to CL and CN. And also learning to be less of a people pleaser and more of a self-pleaser. Long road here but I am on the right track.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Susan

Proof that cheaters don’t understand the concept of investment!

CalamityJane
CalamityJane
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Ha ha ha ha….good one Vulcan…

Speedy recovery, Tracy!

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  Longtimechump

It takes a bit to get to the place where you would never give one of these assholes 5 hours. Not judging…..I did it MANY times.
You become like an atty in court thinking if you rephrase the question, your cheater will “get it”. They don’t.
I wouldn’t give my ex 5 MIN anymore.
They just are what they are….you can talk to them till you are blue in the face and there’s changing that.
Don’t waste your breath.

Anne Siegel
Anne Siegel
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

You have given some good advice. Save the time you would have spent talking/arguing with this idiot and do something worthwhile. Even doing the dishes or painting a room would be more productive than talking to the person who tried to ruin your life. I divorced 4 years ago, and I don’t think I’ve spoken 10 words to him since we left court. He has his mind made up about me and makes no bones about not wanting to hear my point of view.

Longtimechump
Longtimechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

I know, right? My mom is in her chumpy shoes now trying to get the points to him. She totally supports me but she is trying hard for him to “see” how wrong he was, how hurtful his actions were and how his shitty choices ruined the best thing he had in life. I keep telling her he is wired differently. He can say 3 contradictory statements in one sentence and while you start answering one and then responding to another you then realise you contradict yourself! Because you are responding to contradictory statements! This is why people who have not been affected by narcopaths would never understand this. Took me a while and lots of self education to get here myself and I am still engaging with the cheater. Although I am primarily no contact since he does not live here. He is here now for the summer so I am trying to get him agree on the separation and sign off before he leaves. Hence, engaging.

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago
Reply to  Paintwidow

True that paintwidow

Micha
Micha
6 years ago
Reply to  Rickb89

Funny how ‘divorce is not done’ in this slimeball’s family but cheating is no problem. Do they even hear themselves?

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

You are a BOSS
I’d send a card but it would probably get there weeks after you’d recovered! XO

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago

Sorry but all I have for yoyo is do everyone (especially your wife) a favour and piss off. Like yesterday.
What a loser.

notimportant
notimportant
6 years ago

This is some of the most delusional crap I’ve ever read. Wow. I feel so bad for his wife. I hope he has the “strength” to leave her.

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago
Reply to  notimportant

Oh but remember:
“every time she talked her way out of it.”
How can he possibly go?! ?

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

I can smell the self-pity from here!
How is it all his wife’s fault for not leaving? Why should she do the heavy lifting? Yo yo wants out he should get out…..so we can all watch him destroy his life thinking he found happiness in a fantasy, then being forced to live with his AP every day while pretending to the world he is happy but inside detesting he for not being as great as the wife. LOL when cheaters marry is the best comedy.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Except his AP has some dignity and wants nothing to do with him anymore. That’s the only reason he hasn’t gotten up the balls to leave his wife. He doesn’t have anybody else to run to so he might as well stay and blame his wife for all of his unhappiness in life.

Lily
Lily
2 years ago

Of course he can’t leave, he doesn’t even have New Supply yet! He needs to secure a shiny new Ego Kibble Vending Machine first!

WifeOfKingTantalus
WifeOfKingTantalus
6 years ago

I think is exactly why YoYo Noodle wrote in. No one on the hook to bitch about his wife to. Like many here… I’ve read the texts from my Narc to his lesser side trash. They lie and whine about how amazing they are and get attention and thrills with an audience listening to them degrade us. I think it actually gave my husband a hard on smiling in my face knowing he just shredded my ass behind my back while I’m doting on him. She loves him too much to leave lmao. Does she know he’s been banging another woman for 3 years. Doubt it.

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

He’s upset with her because he has not been able to manipulate her to do his biding. He wants her to be the one to pull the plug on the marriage. Then she’ll be the bad guy in his new narrative for leaving him & filing for divorce.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Nyra

Exactly. Impression management. It’s all his awful wife’s fault that he has lost his “true love.”

Micha
Micha
6 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

Exactly! And hey YoYo- here’s some advice to help move things along: Grow a pair & visualize yourself telling your wife and CHILDREN all about how much you love A & what a deep relationship you had with her… visualize your children’s shattered sense of security at the moment you tell them TO THEIR FACE how unimportant they are in your happiness equation. YoYo=no character whatsoever. What a cliche!

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Micha

Why would he care about how his despicable acts make his children feel? This asshole cares about only one thing. What he wants. Doesn’t what he wants matter more than those innocent human beings he brought not this world? After all, he has found his “true love.”

A friend of mine (and her very loving husband) are currently struggling with end of life decisions about their terminally ill child. When I compare their love and devotion to one another (and their child) with this cretin’s narcissistic babble, it is all I can do not to tell him to take a long walk off of a short pier. I am not that kind of person at all, but this guy does not deserve the love of his family. Not for an hour, a minute, a second.

He should do his wife a big favor. Get the fuck out of her life, after signing every single asset he owns over to her and paying her the maximum child support possible (including the cost of the therapy his kids are sure to need). Yes, it will devastate her and probably fuck his kids up, at least for awhile, but they will be free of this sorry excuse for a human being.

Dude, you don’t love anyone (except yourself). You have been genetically modified to be incapable of loving others. Get on down the road so that your kind, loving, and forgiving wife can find someone worthy of the love she has to offer. Indeed, even if she remains single, as I have, she will be better off alone than with your sorry ass!

As your parting “gift”, tell her the truth about what a lying sack of shit you truly are. It’s the least you can do, the very least. Once she knows the entire truth about you, I am sure her love for you will vanish quite quickly. Even us stupid, pathetic chumps have our limits.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Well said Violet, well said!
???

OutOfSparkles
OutOfSparkles
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Violet – this is so spot on! And is The Sprout exactly. What he wants is, by definition -in his mind, the only measurement of what is ok to do. Towards me this isn’t such big news, but the way he has done it towards his children.
Introducing OW (now wife, 5 months after he left) to them less than 3 weeks after he left was justified by “this person is important to me”. That was enough for him – the fact that it might be damaging (and has been extremely so, predictably) for his children, was negated by the fact that it was important to him. He is a highly trained mental health professional (including years of psychotherapy training) so he couldn’t possibly not know that his behavior would be damaging (anyway, anyone with the slightest bit of emotional intelligence could tell you this).
I think the point about them feeling completely entitled to forgiveness – and then despising you for it, is also so accurate. Again, The Sprout completely. When I finally stopped being so forgiving he was (and still is) very angry, and yet was so contemptuous of me throughout our relationship, I’m sure in part because of my previous generosity/gullibility. You can’t win – that is the point. The only way to win is not to play the game and, at least, mine leaving (after 20 years but not married), and marrying OW so quickly has definitely done that.
That is definitely what this fucker should do – but, if he does, he won’t do it for her. I’m also pretty sure he won’t be overly generous in his settlement. She will be so much richer for not being in a game she probably doesn’t even realize she’s playing though.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Exactly! This douche could be my X – his thoughts, beliefs, values are eerily similar. However, thank God I kicked X to the curb when I realized that we simply are not compatible. X’s values and actions did not meet my bare minimum standards for a friend, lover, partner. Boom. End of relationship. It hurt like a motherfucker but kicking X to the curb, suing him for everything I could get with the best lawyer there is, going completely no contact, building an excellent life…. all unquestionably the best decision I ever made.

X is dead to me. The person I thought he was was an illusion, a fantasy, and I’ve grown out of fairytales. I live in reality. Buh bye loser.

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
6 years ago

Recognizing that x and i were no longer a good healthy match somehow made it a bit easier to handle the emotional trauma of it all. Putting myself (mentally) through some of the decisions he’d made – I couldn’t believe how he could have made the choices to lie to my face continuously, expose me to STIs, publicly humiliate me.. then come home every single night, snug into bed with me, act as if everything was perfectly fine with his “little family” of me and our dog.. in our new house we’d just bought together. When I discovered the depths and lengths of some of his lies, it really shocked me. After processing what I knew, there was nothing left to do but sadly accept that we are no longer a match.

Good for you, MC99! Sounds like you got the best you could out of this painful, disgusting experience!

un
un
6 years ago

Dude, you’re a narcissist. Now just have a look at Donald Trump. That’s you, OK? Sad news is nobody can make you happy. That love of your life chick you cheated on your wife with is an illusion, a fantasy and a movie cliche simply because love isn’t what you think it is. And because you are a narcissist and very shallow therefore, most probably you won’t be able to experience true love either. But that’s OK. I feel sorry for your wife and kids though. You’re welcome.

Wormfree2017
Wormfree2017
6 years ago
Reply to  un

You hit the nail on the head un. These people are never happy, ever, no matter what and they have to make sure their partner shares in their wallowing…
The Worm had a gift for sucking all of the joy out of everything…..he’s like one of the Dementors on Harry Potter……if I stayed with him, he would have sucked all of the life out of me.

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago

Oh I do have an idea- hey yoyo, how about you direct the wifey here. To CL and all of Chump Nation. She might just start to rethink putting up with you. And I, for one, will happily cheer her on her way to gaining a life without a cheater.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

Or, set the devalued woman free (include a great settlement and CL’s website as parting gifts). Then, try therapy to figure out why you think only of yourself and decide to work to develop your character. THEN, as an honorable single man with something to offer, find a bonafide girlfriend.

Oh, wait, how about just write into a website about your sad situation and the burden of a loyal wife instead? Loser.

spiritwoman
spiritwoman
6 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

EXACTLY, he’s a fucking COWARD. She may be a CHUMP now but once she gets rid of his ass she will be a CHAMP!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  RollerSkater

Great Idea Roller! Besides helping his Chump gain a
life, this disgusting, blameshifting narcissist will even get what he wants (and needs, a dump in the trash).

Justine
Justine
6 years ago

UBT: Yoyo is a self-serving, self-pitying twit.
You’re welcome Yoyo.

ID
ID
6 years ago

OMG a Cheater with Insight! Except he doesn’t it’s still ME ME ME! Do your wife a favour a leave your internet history intact so she can find Chump Nation and Leave a Cheater and Gain a Life! p.s. The other woman probably realises that when you date a man that cheats on his wife you are with a man that cheats on his wife!

strong and real
strong and real
6 years ago

Rancid Oatmeal for brains! bahahaha! The STBX actually ate some rancid oatmeal while he was going vegan to “cure” his ED. It might take a while rewire his brain from porn but he’ll never cure his self-centered fuckwit character.

Fstl
Fstl
6 years ago

I got that from a gf who cheated on me…. “You were so persistent” as if it validated her in some way. I saw some messages from her to a friend in which she described me in very critical terms for trying to patch things up after she cheated. It’s a self esteem thing for them and horrible for the cheated on.

I think about that cheating ex-gf now and can’t believe I didn’t shit can her and, of course, when I did (like my cheating ex-w) SHE then did the “pick me dance” ! And they both try and hoover now. NC forever…

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Fstl

NC Forever!
Find the truth and the light, Fstl!

TryingToCope
TryingToCope
6 years ago

I’m moving for the 7th time in 2.5 years today, so my comment has to be short. Moving is stressful, expensive, and scary. I’ve moved so far I now live in another country. I could have stayed with Superficial McBetrayerPants and not moved at all. But when I am reminded of the standard narcissistic whining, blameshifting, and excessive self-absorption these entitled fucks all put out I want to lunge to pick up that next box and run out the door.
He brings a cold heart to his marriage. Maybe that’s why it’s not fun.
I hope his wife gets the courage to leave. And I hope A. Gets the fun of being cheated on herself someday.

Oneonefourone
Oneonefourone
6 years ago

I had some of this… my prelude to Dday weekend was the weekend before, where suddenly he “wasn’t happy” and dumped a lot onto me about my failings (I hadn’t written a book by age 30, I was too negative, etc etc).

So he left that weekend initially. I wrote him an email about some of my feelings, just mainly some insecurities I hadn’t voiced and what I appreciated about him. He responded with a huge word salad that included a lot of “what I don’t understand is why YOU haven’t left ME.”

A lot of what he wrote didn’t make sense to me. Looking at it now, I think there must have been a lot of things like this guy’s thoughts going through his head. He probably wished I’d just solve his problems and leave him so he didn’t have to make a decision.

I didn’t leave him because, while we had issues as any long term relationship does and could have communicated better, I loved him and thought we had a pretty good, stable partnership. I made and honoured a commitment.

The arrogance of a cheater calling out a pick me dance though. UGH. They have no concept of what it’s like to have a bond and have that bond threatened. We cheated on need to recognise this dance because it’s futile for us. Cheaters like this guy only see it as another justification of the failings of the partner. Weak.

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago

yoyo share this site with your wife.

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago
Reply to  Onwards

You,

Print two copies of this article; one on standard inkjet paper, the other on sandpaper.

Give the first copy to your wife. Shove the second copy up your ass.

🙂

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

ya made me laugh out loud!! 🙂

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

Whoops, that’s supposed to be addressed to Yoyo, not “you”

Fuck you, auto-correct! And fuck you, Yoyo.

🙂

YoYo
YoYo
6 years ago
Reply to  Onwards

I have! It makes no difference. She loves me and even an affair can’t change that (her words). I think she just wants a marriage and doesn’t care about whether it’s a good marriage. She just wants to be married. She just doesn’t care.

I understand I suck. Keep the comments coming. I deserve it.

Darkstar
Darkstar
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

I smell a troll for sure. Attention junkie. Big fake.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

You are such a troll.

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

“You’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you.”

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

Hahahahahaha! Love that!

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  kiwichump

When I first met my STBX this was his favourite song, he played it all of the time.

Diana
Diana
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

She cannot ‘stop’ you from divorcing her. Since when is a divorce she doesn’t want her responsibility? Divorce her and move on.

Diana
Diana
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

She cannot ‘stop’ you from divorcing her. Divorce her and move on.

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

YoYo, you don’t need permission to divorce someone. Do it anyway.
Give your wife everything and generous $ support. Then GO AWAY.
You are making a mockery of her life and your children’s. That is evil and cruel.
I hope you burn in hell for all the damage you’ve caused.

WIFE of YoYo, read ALL the comments and your husband’s statements. He’s a complete Con Artist and it goes without saying, a complete douche-canoe. He’s just USING you and then complaining about it!!! Um, No. No. No. Get a lawyer and end this charade.

WIFE of Yoyo is welcome here at CN anytime to “leave a cheater and gain a life”.

btw, Tracy, best wishes for the surgery and the drugs! Hope it’s a swift recovery.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

Tell her the truth. Every single, sordid piece of it, including the shit you haven’t even told your “true love.” Unlock all the porn on your phone, computer, iPad. Show it all. She will be gone before you get home.

I am very familiar with your “type”. You show the least of it, hide the worst of it and pretend that you have given full disclosure. You are a motherfucking liar and you deserve whatever befalls you.

Go look for your sparkly turds elsewhere. You don’t want advice. You want attention.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

Yah, Yoyo, tell her the truth.

Black Widow
Black Widow
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

Yo yo. You’re a pussy. You have the emotional IQ of a 12 year old boy. You are delusional. You think sticking your little dick in another woman makes you a man?!?! Well, obviously if you were a MAN you could at the very least muster up the courage to leave your adoring wife.

I think we are all forgetting something here. This immoral, weak, common, ordinary, run of the mill NARCISSIST wants our attention! Oh poor pussy ass, morally corrupt MONSTER- you are so sick and pathetic you need attention, whether it’s positive or negative. This really speaks to your disordered character. So I hope you’re whacking off that diseased pecker as you read our comments. Please don’t delude yourself. We are enjoying this too. So, unfortunately it’s a win-win. I know how much you hate that.
Btw. Just to let you know, your whore isn’t interested in you anymore because her brain is just as fucked up as yours. She only wanted you when you had a wife. Chew on that.

I could say more, but you aren’t worthy of any more of my valuable time.

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

Yoyo,

Here’s the touchstone on whether you are a shithead or not (and your comment above now really makes me think you are).

In my comment, look for it, from QueenMother, I laid out some steps that you can take to mend your marriage. Read and comment on it. That will let us all see what you are made of.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

Yoyo; you don’t need your wife’s permission for a divorce. If you are unhappy in this marriage, then file. Give her a decent settlement and support for your children, then go.

Give her the gift of a new life without your awesomeness. (snort)

AnnieAreYouOk
AnnieAreYouOk
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

YoYo It’s time to rip the band aid off, you have one life to live and so does your wife. Give her chance to find someone who actually wants to be with her, she is scared right now and so are you you, change is scary, but it’s time for you to be a man and step up, save everyone’s lives. Maybe if you show “A” that you have left your marriage she will respect you again or maybe you’ll find someone else you are compatible with, obviously you aren’t meant to be with your wife. Hopefully your wife will find someone who is excited about her and wants to spend their life loving her the way you felt about “A”. Your wife will talk you out of it and beg for you to stay, but you have to put your foot down and say no. She will thank you (maybe not out loud) one day when she is living a happy life. The first year will be rough, the divorce will be a nightmare, but eventually you all will come out the other side. You can do it, just do it! As long as she thinks there is a chance she will continue to do the pick me dance, much like a child who is in the toy store will beg for a toy until they get taken out of the store, once the option is gone she will have no choice but to think about what’s next and how to make the best of it. Help her gain her life, leave her. Honestly at this point you’re looking way more chumpy than her.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  AnnieAreYouOk

Oh she’ll go on to live a good life once he is gone, but there is no reason for her to ever thank him. It won’t be because of him that she lives a good life, it will be in spite of him. Whether he leaves or stays, he is still a cowardly selfish asshole for disrespecting her the way he did. Dating while married is cowardly and unacceptable behavior. This are no excuses good enough.

KK
KK
6 years ago

If this guy is real…he just comes off as such an ass, I don’t know if he is real. It isn’t even that he is dating while married. If the marriage is so bad, then leave. Somehow, he was able to leave before, so why not just GO?

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

You could try noticing the positive things about your wife and learning to appreciate her more. Focus only on the positives and ignore the negatives. If you do that long enough, you might actually learn to love your wife again. You married her for a reason. I don’t know if your wedding vows included “cherish” or not, but “to cherish” means to not compare your spouse negatively to others real or imagined. You failed in that one, but if you don’t have the balls to leave, thereby revealing yourself to the world as being the asshole that you are, then you should at the very least make an attempt to cherish your wife and not be an asshole anymore. Or you could just leave because you don’t have the strength of character to be a decent person.

Fragile Rock
Fragile Rock
6 years ago

I am starting to think his wife is a smart lady. He does need to reveal himself now doesn’t he….

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  YoYo

I was going to post a comment about your letter, then saw your response here. “I deserve it.”

That right there is the smoking gun in all this. You really think you deserve it all, including all these comments on a blog post that’s all about YOU YOU YOU. Even the criticism and the vitriol is just ego kibbles, which of course you “deserve.” You must be shivering with delight over how important you are. Look, everyone’s talking about YOU!

Enjoy your 15 minutes.

Cactusflower
Cactusflower
6 years ago
Reply to  FMT

I read right into that too. Yo yo is a troll, he must looove this attention. He knows what the right thing to do is… he just doesn’t give a fuck. How mighty you must feel to sit behind the keyboard and see all the chains you are jerking, all the buttons you are pushing. Sociopathic narcissist.

BVC
BVC
6 years ago
Reply to  FMT

EXACTLY, FMT. This guy is such a piece of shit that needs to have attention even if it’s negative. And the good thing is that even if he gets kibbles from this, the fucking hole in his soul will never be filled, and he has to live with that. None of us have to! =^.^=

Martha
Martha
6 years ago

Good morning, Chump Lady (Tracy)! Wow, you are up early for surgery! I hope all goes well with you today and I hope you update us how it all went today. Said a prayer for you and will check back later to read everyone’s comments.

KHar73
KHar73
6 years ago

Yoyo,
Have you given your wife all the facts about your cheating? Does she have a full picture of what you do when she isn’t around? No? Well then she can’t make an informed decision about getting a divorce.

As far as she knows, you dated someone while the two of you were separated. That’s it.

How about you tell her what you’ve been up to behind her back.

How about you take accountability for your own actions.

If you want a divorce, grow up, grow a set of balls, and DO something about it. Damn! Stop whining about how she made you stay in the marriage. That’s bullshit.

You stayed in the marriage because it was more important to you to not offend your family with a dirty deed like divorce. That is your CHOICE.

You cheated on your wife because your needs are more important than hers or your children’s. And THAT is your choice too.

Do your wife a favor. Tell her about the 2 year affair, and file for divorce. Do this ONE good thing for your wife.

Sincerely,

CN

FedupChump
FedupChump
6 years ago
Reply to  KHar73

Amen.
I bet my right arm A. was in the picture before the “separation”…

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago
Reply to  KHar73

If I’ve learnt anything it’s that chumps NEVER ever get the whole truth. So we know yoyo hasn’t disclosed anything he hasn’t had to.
It’s in “The Handbook” right ?! Yoyo keeps it in his pocket and pretty much knows it by heart (or the back of his hand because he doesn’t actually have a heart).

wasjustanotherchump
wasjustanotherchump
6 years ago
Reply to  KHar73

Ooh poor little cheater; his incredibly chumpy wife can talk him out of divorcing. It’s because you haven’t been dating your plan B or C or D yet!
So afraid to look bad in front of your non-divorcing families but so willing to forget you had children and a wife while boffing A for 6 whole months of unwedded bliss! Grow a spine and divorce your chump and fend for yourself. Live in the cruel chumpless world without somebody to wash your undies, cook your meals and be a blow up Nancy doll in between plan B and C and D….

seenthelight
seenthelight
6 years ago

These fuckwits look down on decent people as they themselves lack any shred of decency.

Don’t worry Cheaterpants because the day will come when your Wife will see the light and kick your cheating ass out the door. Then it will be woe is me from this idiot.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  seenthelight

>>”These fuckwits look down on decent people as they themselves lack any shred of decency.”

Yes. One of the first things I noticed about the asshole’s letter is that he uses the word “Chump” as a slur. Evidently (in his mind) it is better to be a cowardly, indecisive, narcissistic, mamma’s boy who wants what he wants when he wants it — and, damnit, everyone must revolve around him.

SerialChump
SerialChump
6 years ago

OMG! When I read the first sentence I wondered how this would go. My first thought was similar to your response, I was like I know he did not choose to write Chump Lady for sympathy! He claims to have been reading posts on the site, so you would assume he knew this was not the place for that. But I am still glad he wrote, it was so very revealing for me. Even though it has been rammed down my throat that this is how they think, I still wanted to believe that I could be wrong. But hearing it straight from the horse’s mouth. The nerve. Blaming the chump for staying, calling the chump weak, sniveling about how the chump did such an amazing Pick Me dance that it fooled you back into misery. I guess she should put on her dancing shoes every day and let you reap all the benefits. Now im not clear. I read and re-read your letter and couldn’t find it. What exactly are YOU doing to deserve her?

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  SerialChump

I hope his wife’s dancing shoes finds their way up his ass — they’ll go nicely with his head.

Elsie S
Elsie S
6 years ago

Do your wife a service, and send her here, Yoyo CheaterPants!

Traffic_Spiral
Traffic_Spiral
6 years ago

Wow. I would UBT this, but it’s just straight-up horrifying without it. This guy hates and despises his wife for loving him and trying her best to keep the marriage together, while he can’t even be bothered to screw his balls on to file for divorce.

This is why you don’t take a cheater back – because they know they treated you like shit, and if you let them get away with it, they’ll despise you for it.

Darkstar
Darkstar
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Misogyny at its best

Buddy
Buddy
6 years ago
Reply to  Traffic_Spiral

Truth.

I think the only way to successfully reconcile is for the chump to take 100% control of the relationship, of all decisions, of the way forward, and the cheater has to follow every rule set forth by the chump. That is the only way to show true remorse, and for the chump to garner respect. Anything less, and they will despise you for taking them back.

Uniquelyme
Uniquelyme
6 years ago

Yoyo, I feel so badly for your wife. She is married to the greatest loser and coward in the world. Eewww. Please, please direct her here so she can promptly leave you and realize that she is better off without you. Even a stranger would treat her a lot better than you have.

And you can’t file for divorce why? If you live in the US, she cannot refuse you divorce. Man up for once in your life and divorce her. She deserves her freedom more than you deserve yours.

CL, sending you white light for a speedy recovery.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  Uniquelyme

He can’t file for divorce because it’s a hastle!
“You mean I have to retain an attorney, pay a filing fee, fill out forms AND go to a parenting class?!?! That’s what I have my wife appliance for! I have the sadz. You should all understand my sadz.”

Honeyandthehomewrecker
Honeyandthehomewrecker
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Haaa!! Nejla, your comment is a thing of beauty.

Roaring
Roaring
6 years ago

Thanks, Yo yo.

I finally understand why Chumps are the worst and fully empathize with your terrible situation for which you are in no way responsible.

How dare she continue to love and support and forgive despite knowing who you really are? What a loser.

And I’m really sorry about A. She sounds like she was the Real Deal.

I wish there was something I could do for you, man. A blow job and a sandwich?

It’s so hard when you’re honest, amirite?

You da man.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Roaring, ?????! ❤️ this!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Brilliant response, Roaring. I object to providing Yo Yo any airtime or responses … it is all just kibbles. But your humor is spot on.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Serial, yeah, nothing like getting it straight from the horse’s mouth, err, arse…

This dose of cynical charm, self-pity, and blameshifting would be enough to keep CL awake during surgery if she weren’t so wise.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

LOL, Roaring, well-played!

LOL
LOL
6 years ago
Reply to  Roaring

Lol, he is just so sad….lol

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago

Yoyo, I think it’s pretty fucking rich that you can stand in contempt of your wife after what you’ve done. Honestly, who the fuck do you think you are?

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Mentioned this column to my boyfriend and he was wondering if it was actually Yoyo’s wife writing in – he didn’t mind that idea, though, he figured it can’t hurt to write out your concerns when you’ve been betrayed like this.

Should imagining our own cheats’ letters to CL be tomorrow’s game?

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Vulcan, I am smh. This HAS TO BE A TROLL…

I mean, please God, tell me there is no one this shitty to his wife AND who would come HERE to whine about HIS feelings….

I want to believe in humanity, but if this creature is real, then this is one of those moments that makes me question whether there is a God and if Karma exists…

If he is real, then this vile creature is ugly and disgusting.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

Oh he’s probably real. This wasn’t the first time nor will it be the last time a cheater narc came here looking for kibbles. They really ARE that character disordered!

LOL
LOL
6 years ago

This Guy! No one can refuse you a divorce. Please file. Your wife isn’t doing a pick me dance because she loves you, she is doing it because she is scared. I bet your wife doesn’t even like you. Be honest with yourself, what’s there to like? She has probably looked into good divorce attorneys dozens of times. You have really put yourself into a terrible spot. One day your wife will meet someone who will calm her fears and she will eventually divorce you. You will be left with no one. Alone. Which is probably a huge fear for you, but she won’t care and you won’t be able to talk her out of it. Also, she will take half of your money or more. At the end of this…she will be happy and you will be sad. Why? Because she was never this issue. It was never her responsibility to make you “happy”. That was your responsibility.

MotherChumper99
MotherChumper99
6 years ago
Reply to  LOL

Hahahaha … you hit the nail on the head! I woke up and did exactly this: I kicked him out, got full custody and 70% of everything, am divorced now with the kids, houses, cash, retirement, pets, reputation, community, dignity……

X? Not so good. The sparkle of the current AP has worn off. The kids despise him. His health is shot. He’s an aging, small-limp-dick loser — total cliche- using his money to chase young gold diggers. Shallow and rotten to the core. Too bad so sad.

My boyfriend tells me he is the beneficiary of the evil X perpetuated. My kids and I will never really “get over” the trauma but life is good today without X. Really good!

kiwichump
kiwichump
6 years ago
Reply to  LOL

That idiot probably thinks he deserves an annulment and his wife won’t play along pretending this wasn’t a real marriage he entered in knowingly and of his own free will, which produced children. Poor cheater!

Freeholder
Freeholder
6 years ago
Reply to  LOL

There is always the horrible possibility that his behavior will become so bad that it will make her decide that her fears can’t be as bad a what is actually happening. That is what happened to me. 3 years later, I am happy and moving on. She got married the day the divorce was finalized out of her fears of being alone. While I can’t prove that she cheated on me (and I don’t make accusations that I can not prove), the entitlement was certainly there.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  LOL

This is probably the big window into why he doesn’t file. He probably doesn’t want to have to give anything up (like a very reasonable 50% of the marital money and assets) or have to responsibly take care of his kids.

Sionara
Sionara
6 years ago
Reply to  LOL

Great response!!!

Finishline
Finishline
6 years ago
Reply to  Sionara

LOL , this is ABSOLUTELY the definition of the perfect response to this cheating piece of ickyness…

lost wishes
lost wishes
6 years ago

Hey Yoyo, we chumps take a lot of shit from our cheating spouses until we don’t. It took me 35 years of putting up with his secretary, his disdain, his laziness, his drunkenness, his Ambien use until I said “I’m done” I believed him for so long that nothing was going on with his co-worker until he answered his phone and it was a speaker and his secretary called him sweetheart, honey and I love you. I had my proof, I had no other options, but to kick him out. Cheating is a deal breaker, it is a loss of trust, it is proof that he just didn’t give a damn. We all deserve better. We deserve a better life. We deserve respect, We deserve compassion, We deserve a true life.

Don’t be a coward, file for divorce or start being a better person and husband to your wife. Those are the only two options open to you. Life is too short to keep lying, Life is too short to keep hurting your family. How much hurt do you have to inflict on your family? Why is it always about you Yoyo? Your choices stink, be a man.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  lost wishes

He can’t undo the damage, though. How good can he be to her? Not good enough to un-cheat on his family (because when you cheat, you cheat on the kids, too.) It isn’t that I disagree with you – I don’t mean to sound like that – it’s more that I truly hope he chooses the “file” option, for everyone’s well-being.

The only truly decent thing he can do at this point is admit that she deserves better than how he feels about her, file, share the wealth reasonably, agree to care reasonably for the kids, and get in with his life.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

And don’t marry anyone else. Save another woman the pain of being married to such a loser.

LOL
LOL
6 years ago

Clearly you are well read at chump nation. Have you read anywhere that people were sad to see fuckwits go?? If you honestly believe that your wife loves you, you are far chumpier that she ever thought of being. Open your eyes fuckwit!

chumper94
chumper94
6 years ago

As the cheater I read this site so there is no illusions of what I am and what I did. The comments and pain shared on this site replace what my spouse maybe can’t or won’t say. Sad that I need this for a reality check.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  chumper94

STBX is that you? Yes there are a lot of things I say here that I can’t say to you or anyone else without looking like the bitter soon to be ex wife, but I am trying to move on from that. I need to get along with you on the surface for the sake of the kids and to lessen the drama and conflict as much as possible for everyone’s sake. That is why I come here to this safe place to vent and get it all out. Please don’t take that away from me (or whoever’s STBX, Ex, or Spouse you actually are).

Thanks.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  chumper94

Illusions?! Really. Because that letter seemed pretty chock full of illusions.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  chumper94

When I married, I decided that as an act of love, commitment and devotion, I would see the best in my husband. I gave him the benefit of the doubt always. I was not jealous or suspicious. I was kind and decent. I thought it would contribute to a good, loving marriage.

He was selfish and resentful from the beginning. He assumed the worst of me because it made individual situations work out HIS way. He avoided accountability and hard work by blame. He ceased “growing up” the day he started in with that as his main coping tool..and it went on and on and on.

Selfishness is a poison that will ruin every part of ones character. By the time he died, he was a fucking asshole of a husband. He was mean, angry, blaming, immature, accusing and very very very very weak.

and he hated himself….deeply

so much so he refused to go to a doctor even though he didnt feel well.

I found him dead on the floor of our house and I wept the tears of grief, love, devotion and commitment.

It wasnt until later when I learned the real depth of his assholeness and I realized how much better my life was without him. I felt guilty at first but dont anymore…that he was such a wretched spouse that Im better with him dead is a profound tragedy…one whose seeds were sown with every act of selfishness over a long period.

Either leave your wife now or grow the fuck up and learn to be a decent person.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Wow! The first half is an absolute description of my marriage.

I have to admit, is like him to have his heart attack before the divorce is final. Status is all he ever cared about and I’m dreading the spousal support fight we are about to have. Although it would crush my daughter in the short term, she’s better off than an ongoing relationship with a master manipulator. I’m now trying to address the entitlement issues he’s instilled in her, which is difficult to do when he’s buying her a $20k car before she’s even got her license.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I refer to my earlier comment. It’s too late to be good to her and the kids. The betraying isn’t recoverable at this point. Please leave, share things equally, be responsible for your kids long-term, and let her move on. If you want to be good to her and your kids, do this. If you want the best for all of you, do this. If you want to be a person you can feel truly good about long-term, ever, do this.

RollerSkater
RollerSkater
6 years ago
Reply to  chumper94

Another one…really?! Please crawl back to the sewer you came from. No one here cares about your “sads”. Bye Felicia.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  chumper94

Glad you read this site. Why the fuck are you STILL using your victim as your facade, ‘chumper’94?

Start by being honest….weird concept for habitual liars.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  chumper94

That’s only the beginning of how sad, pitiful and pathetic you are, you selfish invertebrate.

OutofAshes
OutofAshes
6 years ago

The sheer audacity of this guy actually sending a letter in to CL speaks volumes to the self centered entitled mentallity of cheaters. I still can’t fathom that craziness sometimes. Then I remember we just have to accept that they suck!!! Applying logic to crazy just wont work 🙂

StillMarried ToAfuckwit
StillMarried ToAfuckwit
6 years ago
Reply to  OutofAshes

Amen!!
If we understood, we’d be just like them and none of us want THAT.
I’m going to hang on to and share “Applying logic to crazy just won’t work.” We all try to apply logic/understand their side and it’s just not possible for sensible, sane chumps.

OutofAshes
OutofAshes
6 years ago

I had a friend tell it to me one time 🙂 Share away!!

IHaveHate
IHaveHate
6 years ago

Yoyo, not sure where you live but in my state it doesn’t matter if the other party wants a divorce or not. It gets granted if at least one does!

Just one time why don’t you DO YOUR WIFE A FAVOR and move to my state.

I can’t imagine her pain!

JC
JC
6 years ago

Your wife will “refuse” divorce?

What’s that line from Seinfeld: it’s not like launching nuclear missiles from a submarine. You both don’t have to turn your key.

Don’t blame your wife for your lack of divorce. Just admit that you’re happy being married.

Spineless.

DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR's1stWife&Kids
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

well said JC. And there is NO state in America now that requires the consent of each spouse to divorce.

The old days of “Dallas” where Joan Collins screams she “will NEVER give you a divorce!” Are long gone.

No excuses left, you spineless evil creature. Other than paying child support on time and in the correct amount, I hope you won’t “father” the children you spawned. Yoyo,

You are a victim/martyr or hero in this (or any) story; you’re the villain. You’re the bad guy.

Cut HER losses and get the hell out.

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

Lol. Yes, great analogy. It takes two to do some things (like make a successful marriage). It takes only one to do others (like end a union and let the chump live an honest life with a chance for an honorable spouse).

You nailed the problem, JC. Cheaters are cowards to their core. Infidelity is cowardly and so is blaming your spouse. Yoyo will just cheat again because it’s easier.

Got-a-brain
Got-a-brain
6 years ago

Oh so much cheater speak in this “poor me” letter!

1) It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy
2) It’s not your wife’s job to make the decision to divorce. Since she’s apparently running the show, I’m guessing she told you to cheat as well? Oh, she didn’t ??? I’m confused … I thought you needed her to make those tough decision?
3) No wonder you are miserable, in your mind you’ve turned your wife into your mother (and from your post, sounds like your mommy/family is controlling) . My guess is your wife wants a partner, not a little boy who needs her to make him happy (and make all the tough decisions) so when it goes wrong it’s all moms .. err I mean, his wife’s fault.
4) Since you’ve been reading here, you know CN would tell you to give your wife her dignity. How convenient that you’ll probably blame CN for our advise, and whatever pain your wife will suffer. It’s all CN’s fault!
5) You were able to leave your wife once … and start an affair (I call bullshit, but whatever, it’s your story), but now it’s your wife and families fault for not letting you divorce? Hmmm… did your testicles shrink in the prenence of consequences?
6) consequences: the effect or result of something happening EARLIER. Cheaters seem to mix up this concept, because of course “poor them”. Listen dude, all choices have a consequence, by prolonging them you make the situation harder.

I could go on all day, but I’ve wasted enough time on cheaters, and I’m not going to re-parent you because your family failed the first time. Plus, you’d love nothing more than to have yet one more person to blame.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Loved your comment Got-a-brain, especially your “did your testicles shrink in the presence of consequences?” Brilliant!

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  Got-a-brain

Consequences – thanks for bringing up that word.

As I’m mentioned before (many times), my STBX is all about status and money.

Had he cut the cord with me 15 years ago — even 12 — I’d have been able to recover my career. He’d only be in the hook for child support instead of the 40% of his income he’ll need to give me until he retires 12-17 years from now.

Consequences.

ChumpChops
ChumpChops
6 years ago

Wanker.

Now back to the important people – hope all goes well today CL.

Drew
Drew
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChops

??. CN, you all have such good hearts. CL, to a fast and speedy recovery! ?

Saorsa
Saorsa
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChops

Well said ChumpChops, don’t feed the narc and sending all good wishes to Tracy.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChops

Right there with you ChumpChops & Amiisfree :)!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChops

? ? What you said. ??

SoClose
SoClose
6 years ago

Or maybe his wife is just getting her ducks in a row, knowing this fuckwit won’t ever see it coming. They’re lack of empathy and awareness make them easy targets for a self aware chumps.

DeserveBetter
DeserveBetter
6 years ago

In addition to YoYo being an entitled narcissistic cheater asshole, he’s also a COWARD!

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  DeserveBetter

Ha! I call my ex the cowardly liar. 🙂

StillMarried ToAfuckwit
StillMarried ToAfuckwit
6 years ago

Yoyo – grow a set of balls. Tell your wife she doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like you and go suffer a lonely miserable life on your own. Your wife and kids deserve a better, happy life.
Pay her attorney fees, therapy fees, and sign divorce papers that give her and the kids everything they would have had monetarily if you weren’t such a fuckwit and move on.

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago

If Major Cheaterpants weren’t dead, I would swear he wrote this….this was the channel his self-pity narc self would have gotten stuck on.

After years of him being HORRIBLE, cheating, lying, abusing, he said to me “for so many years, I just hoped that someone would just come steal you away” …he wanted the marriage over without the guilt or work of dumping me. So OF COURSE his cheating was my fault !!

DDay, I told him the divorce was his to take, just go get the paperwork in order and he refused…he then proceeded to be the meanest bastard he could possibly be….to get me to throw him out…so he could claim victimhood.

All along, we could have ended the marriage if he had simply said “I have decided I don’t want this anymore and I am proceeding with a divorce. You are a decent person, wife. I will be fair and I wish you well but this decision has been made” ahhhhhhh but THAT requires strength and integrity…something sorely lacking in the cheater.

I am the Chump.
I am the Chump.
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Mine said something along the lines of “For years, I prayed you would meet someone and not be my problem anymore”.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Come steal you away? What old-time fairytale was he living in?

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Well sometimes things like do that happen. I mean, if she had wished he would just drop dead…

(Jk, unicornomore, I know you wished he would have changed and done right by you. Me too!)

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Isn’t he cool, he can come to a site where I am guessing most of us are struggling with self esteem and brag that he has two women with low self esteem fawning over his sorry lying, cheating ass.

Even if you don’t have low self esteem and you are here, you probably have this crazy idea “do unto others as you would have done to you” but these assholes don’t get that.

Funny me and my cheater both come from families where there was no divorce until this geration. I have a cousin who discovered her x was a narc cheater after 35 years of marriage and my stbx’s brother is divorced and I am pretty sure infidelity was involved but I wouldn’t know because surprise, surprise my stbx and his brother were estranged for most of our marriage and I am now sure stbx isn’t forthcoming with information anyway. Stbx mil would also be hush hush- image management.

Here is a crazy one though, sometimes I feel bad because it took stbx leaving and pretty much ghosting for me to figure out who he is. Sometimes I am jealous of chumps whose husbands come back for the pick me dance. I know it is better that I know he sucks and I need to get rid of him but sometimes it hurts that his new supply is that filling.

Oneonefourone
Oneonefourone
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

“Here is a crazy one though, sometimes I feel bad because it took stbx leaving and pretty much ghosting for me to figure out who he is. Sometimes I am jealous of chumps whose husbands come back for the pick me dance. I know it is better that I know he sucks and I need to get rid of him but sometimes it hurts that his new supply is that filling.”

I feel you. OW is, as far as I can see, a horrible, cruel, narcissistic individual. And I think: how can you “fall in love” with someone like that? And not even give our history the respect of trying and letting me do the dance? Then I think: of course I won’t understand it or their “love” – I’m the opposite of all those things.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Oneonefourone

Oh yes, same!

Although I have never met OW, based on her actions, and social media posts, I feel like she is the covert bad girl he wants. Outwardly he can say look at me, I got a lawyer. Reality, she is a cheater, a barfly, a gol digger and someone who posts tons of snarky comments. As a friend of mine said, she is the mean girl in high school making funeral of the fat kid.

She is nobody I would want to be Or be around so I don’t get why I feel jealous sometimes.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

It just irks you that he found that piece of sparkly shit more attractive than you. I have that same problem. We have a tendency to think that means there is something wrong with us, but it is really just another example of what is wrong with them. If they like trash and they don’t want us anymore then that means we aren’t trash. It is so hard to accept that the person you were married to for so long prefers trash.

These dim witted idiots have traded tarnished (at least in the eye of a cheater) silver for gold painted shit. The latter might look nicer at first glance, but the former is worth so much more and could have sparkled again with a little effort on the part of the cheater. That gold painted shit will start to stink soon enough. Too late now, they made their trade.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago

“Tarnished silver for gold plates shit.”

Awesome. I truly did LOL.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Hope all goes well today CL!

Seems like what IS transparent is Yoyo’s inability to assume any responsibility for the disaster he created with his wife. Agency. He won’t own it. It’s all about sad, sorry him and how after losing his side piece, wife won’t divorce him.

He blames his wife! What a coward and selfish twat. Yoyo, your are NOT a GoodGuy or GoodFather. You alone are the napalm in your marriage and family. You alone have chosen to be deceitful, selfish and immature- absolutely a shitty role model for your kids.

Because you no longer FeelAlive with your wife, the mother of your kids, YOU, Yoyo need to honorably proceed with the divorce. This means a generous settlement so your wife can continue to be the single, sane parent to your offspring. I know denial is your friend. However, you are the shithead who chose your own path. Your wife will not ‘fix’ you. Your fuckbuddies won’t either.

WifeOfKingTantalus
WifeOfKingTantalus
6 years ago

I’m going to call bullshit on his first cheating being while “separated”. This whole letter is a pile of crap pity party to convince himself and others that he had good reasons to do what he did. I think he is also bragging that he is so amazing (gag) that his wife is flailing around trying to keep him. Guess he needs his hairy Narc sack tickled that people stop what they are doing to discuss him. They are “just living day by day” but she’s “throwing her love at him” so basically he’s a monster. My STBX SirLiesAlot would say “you just can’t seem to figure out how to get my attention”… shakes carrot… “if you wore a garter and heels to make me dinner maybe I’d have noticed you” … dangles carrot and steps back … “I hate you because you don’t text me fast enough so I need TinderWhore, NightclubWhore, ProstituteWhore, MarriedWorkWhore because they amuse me and you don’t know how to”. Interesting to read a Narc’s story but it’s like staring at a turd in a toilet bowl. Just flush it and get on with the day.

Buddy
Buddy
6 years ago

Yeah, the they ‘were separated at the time’ is no where near the whole truth. I’m sure A. or B. or C. was in the picture prior to his “separation” and I’m sure the ‘separation’ was sold to his wife as something other than a true separation.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

“….staring at a turd in the toilet bowl. Just flush it and get on with the day.”

Quote of today.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago

Centrality to just your wife isn’t enough for you, you want to try and be central to a whole bunch of chumps?

How cluster “B”. Kibbles, kibbles, kibbles. Me, me, me….

And the cherry on top? On a site devoted to helping others to heal from the damage inflicted by those of your ilk, you have the nerve to come here to complain about your chump who you have betrayed over and over and are currently using the shit out of.

I wish I could say I’m shocked, but, honestly, you are just another run of the mill, character deficient cheater doing what they do.

Dime a dozen really,…… yawn.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

There really is nothing new under the sun with these people.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago

Although this guy ticks me off, he rings clear in what CL is trying to help us all understand…these types are as deep as puddles. I wish I had the wisdom that I have now back when I was married! They are not worth it!!! It is not good for the kids to be with a person who treats their parent with such cruelty! We will never fix things or make our needs small enough for these shallow black holes!

Strad
Strad
6 years ago

Hey YoYo: want some cheese with that whine?

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Yoyo

The indecision must be so taxing. Let me give you a few suggestions. See a divorce attorney. File. In your settlement give your wife physical custody of the children, the home and its equity so she can refinance, half of all assets including your retirement, the better car, alimoney for life so she can send your children to college, health insurance, and child support. I’m sure she will get over her loss over time. We all do. Be humble, and then live the life you deserve.

One thing I have learned is that regardless of what others say, I know the truth. You know the truth, she deserved better. Leave her with that.

Goodmazal
Goodmazal
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

It actually worries me that he is on this site and knows that chumps can get their ducks in a row. I have no doubt he would not give his wife a good settlement, but rather try to get the best for himself and leave her penniless since he reviles her as she “ruined his life” (gag). Let us not fool ourselves with bestowing right advice to a snake.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Exactly. And Yoyo, this can all be started UNILATERALLY. You don’t need your wife’s permission to file for divorce. And in 6 months to a year she will realize how much better she is without you, while looking forward to half your retirement funds.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Exactly Tempest. He stated, “Divorce isn’t ‘done’ in our family.”
The CONundrum: Maintain the good guy image my wife provides or enjoy the excitement of having no responsibilities with the OW. We know how that goes as they opt for delicious cake and lead a double life.

Yoyo, come clean. We are well aware you seperated after finding the OW. It’s what narcissistic cowards like my X did repeatedly. You aren’t unique; the dream girls aren’t special. Yet the deviant really do belong together. You are predators. Divorce your wife and give her a generous settlement. Stop being a coward and own you story.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
6 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Boom. This. ?????????

DesertGuy
DesertGuy
6 years ago

The saddest thing is that we are feeding this dipstick by commenting to him. He’s probably getting off by reading the comments – after all they are about him – just like the world should be….He couldn’t grow a weed in a vacant lot – much less the balls to do anything right.

NC to you….

Beautiful day we’re having….Get well soon CL….stay cool CN!

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  DesertGuy

Agreed! Prime time for this dip shit! He’s so sad that he’ll take a bashing to get his fill of attention. Character disturbed on full display today. Hope CL never gives a POS like this any attention again!

UnderConstruction
UnderConstruction
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I had a boss once who paid a therapist each week to verbally flog him. He’d hand his therapist a list of his faults and pay this “therapist” to ridicule him and point out his failures and to yell at him. When my boss told me this, it was clear that he felt his sessions were a way to absolve himself from any guilt or feelings of inadequacy. He didn’t want to take the time to do introspective work to be a better person. Just wanted to be shitty, feel punished to feel relieved from guilt, then continued to be an ass daily. No different with this person. I think he’s only wanting to be publicly flogged so that, in his twisted mind, he feels like he’s admitting his faults to, therefore, shed his guilt.

Could be wrong, but feels like he only wrote in on a public forum for betrayed spouses/partners so that not just ONE person could flog him – but have HUNDREDS of betrayed spouses/partners flogging him instead! Oh, the kibbles! Oh the freedom from guilt because I’ve already been punished!

Gross.
This person needs to take responsibility and leave his wife with a fat settlement and a link to CL.

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago

Have a speedy recovery Tracy!

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago

Sense of entitlement – check
Demanding centrality – check
Blameshifting – check
Lying to avoid accountability – check
Lack of integrity – check
Lack of commitment – check
Shiny Bauble Syndrome – check
Emotional depth of a sea slug – check
Destroying the lives of people around him (including his kids) — and still being unhappy – check
Master of the Pity Party – check

Yep, he’s been reading from the Playbook. That, or he’s related to my STBX.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

Great analysis, JesssMom.

YoYo showed up at CN with the sole intention of feeling better about himself.

I bet a million bucks he expected at least one compliment from someone in CN.

Blames his chump and brags that he actually has sent her to CL and CN, but she refuses to visit us.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  JesssMom

I’m pretty sure sea slugs everywhere would protest being compared to him if they could.

JesssMom
JesssMom
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Haha! Excellent point. 🙂

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago

Hey yoyo, I fixed these for you.

“I am the most indecisive person in the world.” -> I am the most indecent person in the world

“I guess I was too weak to do it myself.” -> I definitely was too weak and characterless to do it myself.

You’re welcome, douchecanoe.

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago

Yoyo..

You are a disgusting piece of crap! Your writing on this site for pity & understanding?

If your “chump wife” has any brains..,she should throw your cheating ass to the curb!!

Grow up & go find another lowlife that would screw a married man. Your excuses are disgusting. ?

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

YoYo,

It would seem that your bullshit and lies know no bounds.

You don’t need consent divorce, it just takes longer without it.

If you’re real man, YOU FILE. You GIVE YOUR CHUMP EVERYTHING. You walk away, pay your child support and try not to fuck them up even more.

If you’re a coward. You stay, you continue to judge a woman who is trying her best to save her marriage to a cake-eating fuckwit, and read this site.

So, what’s it going to be? Trust me – Chump Nation knows which way you’ll go.

Beth
Beth
6 years ago

“Suddenly I saw her benefits” so… you have a “wife with benefits” situation and you want us to feel sorry for you. Go fuck yourself Yoyo. I sincerely hope your wife reads your letter, recognizes her story and dumps you on your sorry ass, you whiny piece of shit.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yoyo — print this thread and give it to your wife. And be man enough to admit YOU are the Yoyo.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Wife with Benefits! Yes Beth, that phrase sums it all up. Because these cheating fuckwits can look at a loving, self sacrificing, devoted partner of 25 years and treat them exactly like a “friends with benefits”–no real connection, no real commitment, just useful when they might need a little something-something. Whether the “something” be sex, vacuuming, childcare, or ego stroking.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Beth,
Just a quick look at today’s post topic.
My mouth is still open, trying to come up with proper words to respond to yoyoyoyoyoyo.
As usual, Beth, you took the words out of my mouth.
Fuck off yoyoyoyoyoyo!

Just going to take my lovely, faithful, dog for a walk. When I scoop her poop I will think of you yoyoyyoyoyo. My dog’s poop smells like a wonderful Paris perfume yoyoyoyoyoyo
You stink!

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Beth

We are all pulling for the wife to find out what a low life she has for a mater! Sooner she dumps him like the girlfriend did the better. He will be all alone and sadz then!

Beth
Beth
6 years ago
Reply to  lostntx

I have this image of sad sausage sitting alone in a dumpy apartment playing with a yoyo. Full of sadz that he is so misunderstood. Oh please let it happen…

QueenMother
QueenMother
6 years ago

Chumpos and Chumpettes, I see it a bit differently here, than I think many of you see it. I actually Yoyo and his wife have something to work with. I do.

Look, he’s not in contact with his former AP. He’s not hooking up with new. He’s not hiring prostitutes. He’s not having online sex, online emotional relationships, not looking for Tinder as soon as wife has a coffee date with a friend, not masturbating to porn, not voyeuring through the windows, (Did I get everything?)

He’s not all re-connected with his wife, but he’s not totally disconnected either. He actually lists many fine things about her. And she is trying.

America has to be the most family-unfriendly, marriage-unfriendly nation. He has very little social support for staying together. There are some things that can be done, and I think his heart could turn towards his wife, and they could be reconciled.

Here are some things I would consider: a change in some other area to offer growth and discovery. Perhaps religion / spiritual; creative: art / music / writing; sport; travel; develop male friendships; connect in a stronger way with children and parents, siblings.

Look for ways to explore sex with his wife. Take 3-day vacations in town and go to a great hotel. Sex it up. Really focus on trying to please her. Emotions will come up, let them play out, and see what sexiness results.

I don’t think the marriage is dead. I think they are both doing a lot of things right.

One last thing, I would ask him to find a way to let that relationship go, the one with the co-cheater. I could go into that process more, but can’t now.

Alexandra
Alexandra
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

Another thing he has to offer his wife: nothing but CONTEMPT for her.

That, and total disrespect for her investing in the marriage despite everything he’s done to abuse her and put distance between her.

It’s not that HE’s not having contact with A. It’s that A wont have contact with him.

What marriage?

This guy is just waiting for another Mommy-figure to come rescue him from himself again.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  QueenMother

My considered view is that virtually NO marriage is worth saving after infidelity. Healthy Relationships are based on reciprocity, respect, trust, and a certain level of equality. Once a person has cheated, none of those things are present. The cheater has tipped the balance of power so strongly in one direction that no recompense can be made. The chump is forced to suppress their rage, depression, horror, in order to make a sham Marriage continue (notice I did not say “work”). And I believe this to be true even in cases of true remorse on the part of the cheater, and even when there are children involved (children do not benefit by having one parent, usually the sane one, broken).

Game over. Choose self-respect over a relationship every.single.time.

Giddy Eagle
Giddy Eagle
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I’m able to understand one brief affair. One where the spouse wakes up and says to him/herself “what the fuck am I doing?” Seeks counseling to determine what’s driving their behavior and either recommits to the marriage or gets out.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  Giddy Eagle

I can’t understand an affair. Any kind of affair. Sorry.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, I believe you are right. Once something is broken, we can glue it back together but it’s never like it was before it was broken. I took my cheater back but I didn’t trust him any more, even though I really wanted to. Without trust, there’s nothing to base a good marriage on. Wish I’d known this back when I was engaged and my ex called off our wedding because he thought he’d “seen someone he liked better.” It came out of the blue, I was in shock. Then a few days later he begged me to take his ring back and said he’d made a mistake. I was so young and confused, and I was crazy about him. I chalked it up to cold feet. Long story short – Took him back…30+ years later guess he what he says as his reason for leaving? “I just saw something better.”

They don’t change. It’s who they are.

Hopeful Cynic
Hopeful Cynic
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

So many wedding vows with the unspoken “until something better comes along” clause that us honourable people don’t know about.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

I took my cheater back too. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust him. I just didn’t care.

Didn’t care enough to pick-me dance.

Didn’t care enough to police.

Just came to realize I didn’t care.

Not a good way to continue a marriage. And if I hadn’t had a Dday, I’d still care. So foolish.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest,
It is that one word, RESPECT, everything evolves around that one word, every yesterday, today and tomorrow.

As a Chump who pick me danced, stayed with the cheater, the years have been difficult even though I did not knowingly suffer thru another DDay. ( that I knew of ).

It is that “R” RESPECT word! Once broken, it leaves scars that keep ripping open.

I see it every day in Chumps’ post. I live it.

Hugs to fellow Chumps with big strong shoulders and overflowing hearts!❤️