I need help. Preferably the bitch slapping kind. I’m hoping just writing this will help. Your site was a breath of fresh air for me, with all the kid glove handling I’ve been getting.
My now ex and I had a child 9 months ago. I found out he was cheating on me right (and I mean RIGHT) after giving birth. He’d done it before, years prior, and I left after much on and off pain and the fun dance of pick me!!! He popped back up with his talk of therapy and trying again and I was foolish enough to listen.
Naturally it’s all my fault. I’ve moved on past trying to figure out WHY. Now I’m just trying to figure out what’s wrong with me!! He’s left me with the hospital bills for our child and moved in with his Schmoopie. He hasn’t seen his kid in months. And yet, every few weeks when he pops up, I see him. We hook up, he pays lip service to fixing things, (obviously I don’t believe that), denies living with someone else, and then we go around the merry go round again.
Can you or someone please just be harsh to me? My friends have been nice, understanding (you’re still in shock!) and acquaintances don’t know the details. I’ve never thought of myself as codependent, I’m an extremely logical person usually but clearly there is something wrong! Why do I keep allowing this to happen? Why can’t I just move on from this fuckwit? He has nothing going for him! I’m seriously concerned at my mental state. I’m hoping if I can get some true harshness or judgement I’ll have the shame I need to move the hell on!
Please be mean,
Dear Bitchslap Needed,
Am I bitchslappy? I think I need a moment of reflection here. I never thought of myself as an advice dominatrix.
Just answer the letter, Tracy!
See what I did there? BN, I think you’ve got analysis paralysis. Figure out your motivations for doing stupid shit later, just STOP DOING IT.
We often think that better understanding will lead to better actions. When really it’s the opposite — lead with better actions, understanding will follow.
For example — I need to see him one more time, for closure. To explain to him how his fuckwittedness hurts me. And maybe if I see him one more time, I’ll understand, really understand why we can’t be together. And THIS time will be DIFFERENT….. and…. (mindfuckery ensues. Pick me sex… the cycle repeats…)
Versus: Tough it out and don’t see him. (ACTION) The fog lifts. You see him for the fuckwit that he is. Over time you’ll have zero desire to ever touch him with a barge pole.
This is the beauty of no contact. You don’t get the clarity without the no contact. And clarity comes AFTER no contact, not before.
Right now, you’re allowing this guy in your orbit. And despite all your protests to the contrary, that he’s a loser, that you don’t believe he’ll fix things, your ACTIONS tell a different story — you’re hooked on hopium.
Why do I keep allowing this to happen? Why can’t I just move on from this fuckwit?
You can move on from him, you just don’t want to. You’d rather take a hit from the hopium pipe. You’re pretty sure he’s telling lies, but in that moment, would you rather walk into a wall of pain? — that he’s a fraud, and he abandoned you and your child when you were at your most vulnerable and literally left you with the check? OR will you take the fantasy offered right now, that’s he’s sorry and he’s going to to fix it?
This hopium shit can kill you, and the hangover is brutal, but you’ll take the short-term neurotransmitter high of sex with your ex. Of promises (I SEE A RAINBOW UNICORN AND IT’S BEAUTIFUL!), a dream of magnificent potential. (HE WILL FIX EVERYTHING AND MY FAMILY WILL BE RESTORED!)
You know he’s full of shit. But you’re really hoping against hope that he’s not.
And here’s the sicko part — he gets off on it.
That’s the part that should really anger you. Your hopium works for him. He can cheat, stiff you with bills, ignore his child — and you’ll still fuck him. You’ll reward him. Because you’re vulnerable. He made you vulnerable, and now he will happily exploit that vulnerability.
Know your worth!
How do you escape this cycle? Stop being vulnerable to him! Start seeing him as the agent of chaos, not the agent of your salvation or an easy orgasm. (You aren’t “using” him back — a stupid thing chumps tell themselves when sleeping with their exes — you are performing the pick me dance naked. He HAS a live-in girlfriend — the OW. And probably others.)
Starting DOING. Start enforcing child support. Nothing like presenting a fuckwit with a bill to kill the mood. Start DOCUMENTING the times he sees and does not see his child, using parenting software. Start COLLECTING on that bill in small claims court (or via child support enforcement).
And most of all? STOP BEING AVAILABLE. You’re very, very busy right now. Getting your life together, clipping your toenails, catching up on that Netflix series on the hidden lives of dogcatchers. Really, anything is more improving than spending time with a fuckwit.
Next, expect him to rage about it. He will not like this new unavailable you. (He might not notice at first, but when he circles back for kibbles, he will). He’ll flip through the mindfuck channels — rage, charm, and self-pity…
Oh, but hey, you can’t hear him — BECAUSE YOU AREN’T ANSWERING. (That Netflix documentary is very engrossing.) See, that’s an ACTION.
And when you feel hopium withdrawal upon you, look at your baby, and vow that you will NOT model chumpdom to this innocent kid. You will NOT set your precious offspring up for the cycle of abuse and rejection and pick me dancing, because you love your baby more than ANYONE. More than HIM. Your child may be a blob of inchoate potential that just barfs in your hair now — but trust me, the kid is watching you. Learning from you.
Consider yourself bitchslapped.