Holiday Coparenting Shit Sandwiches
How do you eat the shit sandwich of coparenting during the holidays? This OP isn’t feeling very jolly about dividing time with the children.
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Dear Chump Lady,
You know that radio show hosted by Delilah, where folks call in and request a special song for someone in a particularly heart rendering circumstance? I was wondering if you could be a Chump Delilah and let me request a special column for all the Chump Parents who are struggling with double-decker shit sandwiches now that the holidays are here?
Please write one for the Chumps whose kids are excitedly anticipating events with the cheater. Or extolling the virtues of the cheater’s tree/presents/cooking. Or can’t be reached while visiting the now missing half of their former family. Who feel replaced, out-classed, or silenced in their rage and fear. Write a column that reframes that narrative, and gives them an extra slice of super-mighty with a cherry on top.
Deepest regards to you and all Chumpdom,
NoMoreNarcs
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Dear NoMoreNarcs,
Oh dear, that’s a tall order, but I’ll try. This one goes out to YOU! And all you newly minted chumps trying to navigate the holiday season.
You know how I say over and over again here that the pain is FINITE? Well, the holidays are finite too.
All this crappola ends in a couple of weeks, so hang in there.
Kids excitedly anticipate Christmas, NMN. That’s a given. You don’t have to always read it as the kids are excitedly anticipating events with the ex. They’re anticipating going to the mall to sit on Santa’s lap, or going to Grandma’s and getting stuffed with cookies, or seeing their cousin who has the latest Xbox. Sure they love their other parent, but Uncle Daddy/Party Mom is usually simply the gateway to Fun Stuff.
From the chump’s perspective, I get that there is a feeling of How Dare THEY! How DARE they get to make precious memories with our children After They Broke Up Their Family! Well, they do. They get that right. I’m sorry. It sucks.
Try not to feel excluded because you get to make your own traditions with your kids too. Those are every bit as meaningful (or more) than a trip to Toys R Us with Uncle Daddy and his Guilt. This is your chance to bust out of the holiday rut and do the things that please you without dragging around the miserable carcass of a remorseless cheater. Just think how much jollier your holiday is without wondering where their cellphones are, or if they’ll be disappearing inconveniently for a few days/hours/weeks on a fuckfest somewhere.
You watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” too many times and it’s easy to romanticize family togetherness. You long for what you don’t have or thought you had. Oh, my ex is somewhere with my children having a Fabulous Holiday. They’re all wearing matching snowflake sweaters, and sipping eggnog, and breaking into choruses of “Silent Night” in perfect four-part harmonies. While (sob!) I sit alone. Unloved. Unmourned.
It’s just human nature to romanticize what we miss.
I live in Texas and I absolutely abhor 70 degree December. I loathe a holiday season in which I have to wear short sleeves. (I’m over 40. It’s never a good look.) Every day I want to yell at the entire state: “YOU’RE DOING CHRISTMAS ALL WRONG!” “In a Bleak Midwinter” comes on the Musak rotation in the department store and I think “You have NO FUCKING CLUE what BLEAK MIDWINTER IS.”
In the bleak midwinter, frosty wind made moan,
earth stood hard as iron, water like a stone;
snow had fallen, snow on snow, snow on snow,
NO Texas! YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS HYMN. You don’t know from snow on snow! Stop singing things you know NOTHING ABOUT!
Because I miss snow. I look at all my friends Facebook pages of their snowy winters and their Christmases that look like Christmas is supposed to look and I’m jealous. I romanticize snow.
Fact is, my cousin in Petoskey is probably pouring boiling water on her car locks about now. After she shoveled her driveway for 45 minutes in the face of a gale-force wind whipping off Lake Michigan. Everyone is probably dreading driving on the holidays and drearily watching the weather reports. Ever spent 6 hours on the Pennsylvania Turnpike in freezing rain? I have.
Okay… there is a certain suckitude to snow.
But it’s what I know. Wah!
There is a certain suckitude to spending the holidays with your cheater and their family. But it’s what you know. So, of course you’re going to miss it, and any new tradition (or climate) isn’t going to feel quite right for awhile. (Okay, let’s face it. 70 degree Christmas is NEVER going to feel right. It’s an abomination.)
You’re adjusting.
Stop worrying that the kids won’t see how much the cheater sucks. That’s their relationship to work out. If they have a good holiday with the cheater and their family, well, good for them. Doesn’t mean you have to hear about it. Deflect when the conversation goes there.
But they’ll think the OW/OM is a good person!
Children are gullible, NMN. I remember when I was about 5 years old, I used to collect frogs that I scooped up out of window wells. I’d keep them in a cardboard box for a day or so. But an older boy once told me that if I kept those frogs, they would grow and grow and get so big they’d step on my house and crush it…. And I BELIEVED HIM.
Small children are dim-witted. They’ll believe most any fool thing anyone tells them. Sweeten the deal with some toys and sugar? Okay!
But eventually you grow up and realize… hey! I’ve never seen one of these two-story frogs! That was… a LIE.
Your kids will figure out the lies too.
But meanwhile, you’re there doing your job being the Sane Parent. So keep on keeping on with the holiday coparenting. Make your holidays bright for YOU and forget what the Cheaterpants clan is up to. If they fail to inform you of their whereabouts? You document that. Give your kids cellphones, and insist that the cheater let you know where the kids are over the holidays. They don’t do that? Then you don’t agree to visitation. If he won’t abide by the order (document it) by being reasonable, he can explain it to a lawyer. You don’t have to accommodate cheaters Just Because. You have to abide by your custody agreement. Period.
No one replaces you, no one outclasses you. You’re the Mighty Parent! Go start a new holiday tradition of mightiness!
(As for me, I’m wearing long-sleeves and humming “In the Bleak Midwinter.”)
When I first wrote this, I lived in Texas. We’ve been back on the East coast, and now I enjoy freezing cold Xmases and frozen pipes too. But I’ve aged out of the coparenting nightmare. Hugs to anyone still navigating this.
How’s your son doing, Tracy? I think last we heard, he was graduating with honors from a Masters program?
He’s got a good job in data analytics and is getting married this spring!
A toast to the mightiness of our children!
You are reminding me of the one Christmas we spent at the house in Florida. We paid to fly the kids down for it. None of us liked it and agreed we wouldn’t do it again. We like our cold Canadian Christmases. Anyhoo, what is cheater ex doing this Christmas? Leaving on Christmas Day with schmoopie and her daughter(ie. new “family”) to go to Florida!! I guess sugar mamma dictates Christmas now. My daughter sees him Christmas Eve. They really do suck…but I will have a beautiful Christmas with her at home.
I used to have to wave the divorce decree to get him to comply with the time sharing for Christmas (alternate eve and day) because he would try to get more time. Now that my kid is a teen with his own opinions and he sees the bullcrap for what it is, this year my ex just said “Oh, Christmas is during your time, so, uh, you can have him. We’ll just celebrate on my next weekend”. My son is disappointed he won’t see his dad on either day, but I knew this would happen eventually.
Now that he can’t pull the wool over his kid’s eyes as easily and he isn’t a cute little toddler, he is uninterested. I’m sure his extremely young live in girlfriend (closer in age to our teen than to my ex) wasn’t feeling like playing mommy for Christmas this year. Their loss.
I bought my husband and son matching jammies and we’re going to have our ideal Christmas at home with all the trimmings together. I win.
This Christmas I’m having sinus surgery to remove my nasal polyps while cheater ex and his mistress wife take my kids to Hawaii.
I’d rather have the surgery!!!
I’m going to feel so much better once it’s done, and I don’t have to pretend to be anything other than me or suck up to a single soul for one second. Aloha!!
Haaaaa!!!! This is a beautiful reflection of true meh!! My Xhcheater #1 played Santa Claus 🧑🎄 and bought both kids starting with day 1 of daughters life and a 6 year old with my son. I didn’t have the money for trips and cruises. Plus OW did not have kids so it was 100% my kids were hers. My Christmass alone I worked as a nurse so when kids were with cheater any holiday, I always worked to supplement basic child support. I was grateful for ” free” child care and an OW step mom who had to put out in many ways I did not, to keep XHC bully happy. MY nightmare. was hers!!!!Cheaters mom and dad moved from NYC to KC to help XHC after he left me in true Switzerland family style. So I adjusted to 18 years of holiday tears by working and now no one can ruin my holidays, not even cheater #2 as I head to MEH with him. No kids with#2 as refused to marry without a prenuptial and vasectomy. I learned a few lessons. New chumpd, you’ll make it!! And sinus surgery is far better than Hawaii with a cheater.AMEN
I know this is a 4 year old comment, but I had to say, GOOD ONE! I, too, think I’d rather have surgery alone over Christmas than be in Hawaii with my cheating ex! The single life is a good, peaceful life.
The one plus about having the new cheater-free Christmas is that you don’t have to deal with their fucked up family members anymore……you only have to deal with your own fucked up family members during the holidays.
Agree! My ex’s family are BORING, my family are spirited & FUN. Thank gawd exMIL is a good cook & baker or it would’ve been unbearable! I don’t miss them but I sure miss her pies & cooking lol
Woooooooord!
Oh SuperDuperChump, I thank you for this reminder. This lead me down a snow covered memory lane to Christmas‘s Past. His family never liked me. I used to play a game in my mind to see how long it would take me to clear out a room of them. I would literally enter the room, note the time and watch them all fade away into other parts of the house. They are a bunch of racists and I am the “wrong” race. I won’t have to be there when they got drunk and openly hated me. I won’t have to deal with that Nest of Narcissistic Racists ever again.
Instead I will have a quiet wholesome time in my little sanctuary. Both of my adult sons will be here. We will play board games, cards and visit their only Grandparent. We will go hiking if the weather permits. My Alaskan son will tell us the weather is fine for a hike. We will listen to Christmas Music and read books.
Nobody will be pissy pants drunk, there will be no fist fights. There will be no cussing, screaming, the police won’t arrive. The neighbors will continue to speak to us. The furniture won’t get broken.
I am filled with gratitude envisioning my cheater’s extended family no longer a part of my life. I literally felt the resentment of being financially strapped fall away. My poverty is a temporary issue. He gets to deal with his family permanently. I won.
I hope all Chumps get to breathe the rarified air of freedom from fuckwits and bask in gratitude for a cheater free Christmas. You won!
33years–what a nightmare!! I guess your sons are the “wrong race” too? Wow. just wow. I am glad you are in a more peaceful place and your sons too.
NewLady15, you are entirely correct. I will despise them forever for rejecting my beautiful, talented, intelligent, kindhearted sons because of race. It is truly their loss.
I love this!
“I hope all Chumps get to breathe the rarified air of freedom from fuckwits and bask in gratitude for a cheater free Christmas. You won!”
It’s good to rehash these stories from the cooler perspectives of Meh and its vicinity. How much horrible behavior we were conned into normalizing!
NX and I alternate Christmas Holidays with the kid. We split custody 50/50, so the holiday is also when he comes back to my custody. I get him either right after Christmas/New Year’s if its the NX’s Holiday year, or right before, like this year.
NX LOVES to bitch about never ever being able to celebrate Russian Christmas in the village with the kid ever again. (For those who don’t know, Russian Orthodox Christmas in AK is 2 weeks after Dec. 25 and involves 3 days of parties and major gift giving free-for-alls.) NX isn’t Russian Orthodox, or Native Alaskan, but he sure loves to be able to walk into a house and try to scoop up as much loot as possible. I really don’t think the kid misses not being a part of Starring in the village anymore, as it usually ends up being a spectacle of greed, addiction and dysfunction, and since he’s a white boy, the visiting native kids treat him as an outsider in the village he has grown up in.
No matter what, NX always finds something to whine and bitch about. I’m totally GR, so I let it wash off my back just like rain off a fresh-preened duck.
Love that image, like rain off a fresh-preened duck! It’s our self-care and letting others also care for us that allows us that.
NMN
I felt exactly the same way. The cheater had the cool family with younger grandma and aunts and cousins and I am an only child that provides only one aging grandpa for them on holidays. The shit sandwich made me want to scream and even CL’s column couldn’t make me see past that one. But then one shit sandwich ate another…cheater had another kid with Schmoopie and blew them off for the holidays and both kids are with me. We have a tree and we’re having old friends over (I kept all the friends) –which means their childhood friends. Plus the kids are older now and see through his BS. So… give it some time and start your own traditions or bring back ones the cheater killed. Your cheater will find a way to show his true colors. Remember he can only do happy family for so long before he tires of it. Meanwhile, you have chump nation’s permission to complain about how unfair it is and be annoyed by people who act like he has a right to even one happy holiday season. ????????????????
thank you for this. I’m still waiting for my ex to tire of this other shmoopie/chump (he had a double life with me and she took him back). I don’t want him back but I wish she would see what a jerk he is and have the courage to dump him, out him and we could be chump friends and our kids could be friends too. urgh, shit sandwich with some shitty gravy for me this holiday season:/
Xmas is just another holiday, you don’t have to wonder if ex wants to be with you. Xmas is meant to be wonderful but that is just advertising.
Kids know who is sane, who is really there for them.
I’m many years into my chumpdom ????, so I can attest that all of your advice is spot on. We have our own new lovely traditions now. I actually really enjoy the “quieter” holidays with just the grown ups (we alternate yearly so this year he has Christmas Eve and I have Christmas Day etc) when the kids go with stbxh. It took MANY years to get to that mindset though!
Now as for me, this chump must go fight to get the ice off of the car and get the kids to school.
So I left the narc and moved to the DC area, took the kid with me. She would go back to New England to visit – not that he ever had any role in that but I would work with his parents and mine (who were both still in NE) to get her up there and back for the holiday season. So how great was it that MY OWN MOTHER wouldn’t communicate with me when she had my child? Had no idea where the kid was or what was going on? Guess when you are raised by a narc (oh and trust me, the reason behind it was very much “you can’t tell me what to do”), that makes you more susceptible to partnering with one ????♀️ Yay for me!
Good news is though: I’ve fixed my picker, leaderboard boundaries (thanks CL!) and I no longer endure that sort of bullshit from ANYONE. ????
yep… my journey getting away from the ex-fw included coming to terms with my narc mother and that upbringing. I’m no contact with both now and also can spot that a mile away in order to avoid those situations now. I think a lot of us could benefit from looking at why/where all this came from and how we ended up in these situations… often it’s our childhood. Good news is we can heal those parts of us and those parts in our children.
Yes!!!!! It wasn’t until marriage blew up and I went hunting for answers that I realized my mom’s a narc. Relationship with her is still dramatic and painful, since she criticizes endlessly and can’t be pleased. “Why do you do laundry so often?/ Why don’t your kids have any clean pajamas?” “Why are there all these leftovers (so wasteful)?/ Why don’t you have any food in the house?” “You put too many bananas in this banana bread.”
No wonder being with narc ex felt so comfortably familiar, even when he raged at me, tackled me, and even broke into my place to finish an argument WHILE WE WERE DATING. Yes, I’m stupid. I married him. But thanks to his indiscretions which involved jail time, I was freed, I slowly fixed my picker, and I learned to set boundaries (practiced on mom, and yes, she still throws tantrums with angry silent treatment). Seven years later I’m in a new and wonderful marriage with a man who gives me the benefit of the doubt, cares, apologizes, forgives, and has my best interest at heart. So grateful that I got another chance at emotional health and joy. Warm wishes to CN.
HM,
Im in the DC area too (NOVA). The good news is that there’s a lot to do around here during this time of year. Ice skating at Pentagon Row, iFly in Loudon county, and that winter thing at Nationals park looks great. just thought that i would throw a few suggestions out there.
*learned boundaries
(What the heck is a leaderboard?? Stupid autocorrect)
hahahaha…i was just about to google “LEADERBOARD BOUNDARIES”
and was already anticipating a cool golf-style “leaderboard”
on which i would track my boundary making
look! “communications transparency” is overtaking “no secret fucking in your car”
while “considering the feelings of our kids” remains in a distant last place
but alas NO
haha
stay mighty, people!
I love “leaderboard boundaries”! MIGHTY!!
As to do with golf… I checked because i sure wanted to know what a leaderboard boundary was! I want to learn about all kinds of boundary!
My kids are grown and gone. One overseas, one here, but married and spending Christmas with his wife’s family. They are coming this Saturday instead. My new husband’s daughters are coming next Saturday.
The point is, change comes in one form or another. Kids grow up and start their own lives and traditions. It sucks my family didn’t stay together, but I have started a new family, have new friends. I have no idea what the X is doing. Don’t care, don’t worry about it.
Joy and peace is all I need for the holidays!
I reject the notion that women over 40 should not wear long sleeves. But then again, I dismiss any notion telling a woman how to dress. Wear whatever the fuck you want.
Agree! That’s a perk of being over 40! Do what you want.
Oops. ,didn’t mean to post that as a reply to CTTM.
The Christmas Memory that always lights the path of never going back is this…On Christmas morning after the girls woke up, my X Sex addict covert narc said he would go make coffee for me. What a sweet surprise. I was exhausted from being the sole person to hustle and bustle. He disappeared for 45 minutes while I kept the girls upstairs with me waiting to go open presents as a family. When he returns 45 minutes later, we were all impatient and annoyed. He blamed me for my impatience and made look like a bitch. Afterall, his tummy was upset and I was so not understanding.
Fast Forward past DDAY I was untangling the legal porn rider I had at my house via the printouts and I discovered that on Christmas morning he wasn’t actually making coffee… he was clicking through porn rentals to find one that excited him to get his morning wank in before presents a few feet away.
This reminds me to be thankful for holidays without he and his sex addicted family. Needless to say we are aiming for different traditions.
OMG
This is a good reminding that it’s good riddance to A**hat. His “secret” Instgram handle was “De Wiite Wank”–the white masturbator.
Now I know what he was doing— Gross!!!!!
You gotta love them wanking off while we are adulting. Every Sunday morning I was the first to get up. I would first get myself ready for church and then wake the kids; feeding and making sure they were dressed nice. What a nice surprise to walk into our bedroom and find the cheater wanking off in bed. Now mind you, we had a very long and romantic night just a few hours before. Never in all those years did it occur to him to come help me. Lord only knows how many times he was worshiping he his little god while I was taking care of everything else. And then we’d go to church and he’d put on his Super Husband and Dad act. Oh, and carry his Bible into church that he didn’t read all week. And when we got home from church, he’d head straight to the fridge and reheat the homemade pizza I made every Saturday night. He’d take care of himself while I made lunch for the kids. I started feeding the kids before I sat down myself to eat with them. He was always finished eating before I sat down. Never once did he offer to help. And this was our entire marriage. Him and his needs first. I don’t miss him or his entitled, lazy ass family. Holidays are peaceful now and very little stress. No more catering to those who think they should be served all the time!
Terrible, but what also stands out: that you didn’t put your foot down and have him get the kids ready at least half of the time and bake pizza. My mom was the same. I was also bad. I will never be in a relationship again.
Different details, same problem. You make the point so clearly!
My second xmas after separation here. I’m so excited to start new traditions. The kids were with me last year, and again this year. In fact, the kids don’t know what dad is doing this holiday season. He hasn’t contacted them in 6 months!! Oh wait…. He send cards tellung them how much he misses them and he hopes that they’ll reconnect…but no plans to do so or anything. No invitations. But it’s just a big mindfuck because he doesn’t want them over anymore he said last time, in May, they were too mean, he said. Yes, big mindfuck for the kids. Myself? Liberated! And feeling great in part because, I still have my children and friends coming over and also, the new traditions!!!
Ah yes, the Absent Father mind fuck. My mother divorced when I was 10. Dad was supposed to have weekly visitations with us (2 boys, 2 girls), but there was no way he could actually father with all 4 of us, or even 1 at a time. So, every once in a while he’d have me spend Sat. night in his sad little apt. with him. He wouldn’t really do anything with me. Sun. a.m. we’d watch wrestling and eat bagels. Even this little ‘bonding’ time with me peetered out after a while. A few years later my mother moved us to a neighboring state.
After that I never saw my father because he never made an effort to come see us, or send for us to see him. I remember going to see him one year in my late teens, I think my brother drove us down, and being told by his wife that it was MY responsibility to maintain a relationship with my father. I was gobsmacked, but even as young and naive as I was then, I knew that having a meaningful parent/child relationship was NOT the child’s responsibility!
And I make damn sure my child knows it too!
Remember that things are not always as they seem at the ex’s Christmas.
My kids are off to Italy tomorrow with XW for her parents’ 50th wedding anniversary. You’d think I’d be gnawing off my arm out of jealousy, wouldn’t you? But in fact
1. Her parents’ apartment is too small to accommodate them all. They’ll be fighting for the one bath and sleeping in shifts. Plus, the apartment is in the crummy modern exurbs, not the medieval heart of their hometown.
2. Their grandmother has been telling XW and her sister for 20 years that she wishes she’d divorced their father years ago, before he came down with a degenerative neurological disease. They have the worst marriage I have ever encountered in real life (screaming, fighting, days-long silent treatment, no emotional or physical affection).
3. Their grandfather is a horrible person. I don’t know how much is due to the disease, but he can’t (or won’t) talk, screams in his sleep, pees all over the house, and has some kind of emotional dysregulation (the grandmother had to confiscate his cell phone because he couldn’t stop calling phone sex lines).
4. The only other nuclear family member, their aunt, reacted to her impending divorce – I don’t really blame her for that, as her XH was in hock to the mafia and kept getting his car run off the road, and had acquaintances fall off balconies or be found chopped to bits and stuffed in garbage bags – by having an affair with her own brother-in-law. The XH’s influence lives on in their cousins, who have learned all the local racist soccer chants, which include binging bananas to the game to throw at black players on opposing teams.
I’m not too worried about my kids picking up on the dysfunction, as of the entire family only the aunt speaks any English (and only one of my kids speaks Italian, as XW couldn’t be bothered to teach our kids her language). The remoter cousins (for instance, the convicted heroin dealer) also don’t speak much English.
Writing this all out, you’d wonder why I’d sign on to be part of this family. In my defense, I didn’t find out about most of this until years into the marriage, plus the cultural cues (half her family is basically the Italian version of white trash) are subtle enough that they’re hard to pick up in another language.
My kids will be bored, cramped, resentful that they need to dress up, and frustrated that they can’t communicate. I spent 15 years going to stay with them every summer, and having to explain to people that I wasn’t going on a vacation to Italy – I was going to stay with my in-laws. I am SO glad I don’t have to go any more, and I mostly just feel bad for my kids that they’ll be subjected to it. The food will be good.
I am on my new computer, and it took me forever to figure out how to sign in, but reading this made my day because there is something really funny in the horror of it. I am so happy you are free from this and your children are so lucky to have you. I am having terrible day but it’s just a day and I thank everyone for sharing their stories here.
‘The food will be good’ ????????????
I’m with you on that one!
I no longer have to drive 2 hours away to spend the day with STBX’s stuck up family.
My kids are jealous that I don’t have to go anymore-when their dad comes to pick them up from my house-all 3 kids and him are arguing about who gets to sit in the front seat. That’s when I wave from the kitchen door and shut the garage door as they leave in a rolling ball of fight-like those cartoon scenes where all you see is a dust cloud with the occasional hand or foot sticking out.
Lol!! Once again I find a reason to tear up…laughing! I have envisioned the same rolling ball of family feuding and fisticuffs as they would finally pull out of my driveway..the feeling of relief..! Glad I am not the only one now I dont feel so guilty they dont bother any more..
“Rolling ball of fight” from cartoons – I LOVE IT! You win the best comment in the column today! Totally made me laugh.
Thank you Involuntary Georgian! This is a great story-reminder that things are not what they seem. Happy Christmas.
Thank you for this! I don’t care about cheater pants royal asshole #1…..been there done that and don’t care. It’s cheater pants #2 that I’ve caught myself reminiscing about and missing. I needed this reminder to STOP! Today is his birthday. A year ago on this date I threw him a big 50th birthday party that set me back a good $4,000 between food, venue, decorations, etc. A good friend came up to me at the party and said “I hope
He appreciates YOU!” Looking back on it now I realize why she said that, it’s because he blatantly was idolizing and giving props to the 24 year old nanny. He videoed her while she karaoked the most vile rap songs singing at the top of her lungs the P-word, the C-word and how she wants to sit up on the D-word. All the while he was telling everyone how amazing she was while I worked my butt off hosting that shindig. What a DICK & a WHORE! So, back to this article…..what a great reminder that they suck, time moves forward and so am I. A year ago I was not appreciated and today I surround myself with people who do appreciate me….if they don’t I don’t engage or have limited engagement and keep it cordial. Lesson Learned!
Good morning great Chump Nation. This will be my 5th post Dday Christmas. Things have changed so much. Dday happened the day after Christmas so for the first 2 years I was divorcing and feeling wretched. Last year was the first year with my significant other in and blending our 6 kids but we made new traditions and had a great time. My SO surprised me for an early holiday gift and we spent the first week of Dec in Hawaii, just the two of us, where it was a gorgeous 85 degrees — odd to see Santa and Christmas trees in what felt like high summer! Not a cheater in sight, though, and I thoroughly enjoyed every minute.
Our 3 grown kids who live out of state are arriving this week and my kids choose to stay with us. I hear some of my kids plan to go to dad’s (AP lives with him) new house on Christmas Eve. It’s fine. My eldest, who hasn’t talked to XH (her step dad) and I and my SO plan to hike in the mountains in the morning then serve food at a homeless shelter, a new tradition we started last year, which was wonderful! Christmas Day everyone will be at my house for presents and games and movies. I’m happy now. I will never forget what happened But I’ve accepted it and know that it was all XH, he lost out on me and our family, and he is not a compatible partner for me and never will be. Meh is wonderful.
((((MotherChumper99)))
YOU are an inspiration to CN!
❤️
Wednesday the 25th will be a high of 72 here in Texas! Love it! I just ignore Christmas. The day I found out while walking through our almost finished dream house she was banging a 26 year old!
DavidB, in 2017 when I was using my inheritance from my recently-deceased mother to build us a dream cabin on our dream acreage, Captain Douche was having a banner year. Divorce disclosures reveal he was banging prostitutes ($500 a pop, min) for the last five years. In 2017 alone, he racked up a mere $46,000 in hoes and hotels (often daytime). You can’t make this shit up!
This is my 9th(!) Christmas season since cheater ex left. The first 4, 5 were really, really tough (I got married when I was 20 and we were together 38 years so basically my whole adult life I’d lived with him.) But then the holidays started to get a little better each year. This year, for the first time, I am finally free of the nostalgia, regret, sadness and depression that characterized my holidays for so long. I realize fully now that ex actually did me a favor by getting out of my life. I was just a slow learner. But better late than never!
Today, I live in the same town as my daughter, son-in-law, and grandson. We see each other almost every day. We have a wonderful supportive group of extended family and friends with whom we celebrate every holiday. I live in my own little house with a great job and I lack for nothing. Ex, on the other hand, lives a 1000 miles away with his affair partner (now wife) who is a semi invalid. They are broke and have no family around them.
I won.
Yesssss!
You did. It takes awhile for it to come full circle.
Oh ughhh… my oldest son (24) wanted nothing to do with his dad at Christmas so he is spending it with his girlfriend and her family. My younger two are with me, and made no plans with their dad for Christmas, and I assumed he had made plans with his partner. Apparently not. He has decided to descend on us two days after Christmas. I know he is hoping we can “all go out together” so that he “feels like it’s Christmas” but honestly he doesn’t have that privilege any more! I am actively trying to make plans for the two days he is here so I don’t get sucked into his “we can all be friends (because it makes me feel less guilty and your feelings are of no consequence)”.
Just remember the most useful sentence in the English language; No. Yup, it’s a complete sentence. You don’t need activities to use as an excuse, you don’t need to ‘help’ your Ex w/his image management (not the same as actual guilt, btw). I personally like ‘that doesn’t work for me (or for us, depending on the age of the kids).
IF the Ex asks, and IF the younger kids are quite young, figure out a single time period in those days he’ll be in town, and offer it to Ex; ‘The kids are free X day from Y time to Z time, Would you like to pick them up that times?’ And DO NOT NEGOTIATE. He’s can’t do that time? Oh, too bad. PERIOD, end of conversation! He doesn’t respond locking a time down? 24 hs after your message, message again repeating those availablility, and inform him that you need to know within 24 hs. After that? Too bad, kids are no longer availalble. He doesn’t like it? Ignore. He comes to the house? Open door, inform him you are all busy and about to go out, then close door in his face.
Kids are older? (From 12 or 14 is good, depending on their personalities)? Give THEM a time slot of availability, let them work it out w/dad. But give them the same rules as above; everything needs to be locked down by X date Y time, otherwise nothing doing.
Kids might be disappointed? Very sad, but REALITY. It’s so important that the kids of assholes learn to recognize and deal w/REALITY. The reality is, their father is a lazy ass, who can’t be bothered organizing himself to see his kids at the holidays.
Sappy Christmas movies aside, the whole holiday season both with my family and my ex’s family was NEVER a Hallmark moment. Families who get together because they think it’s expected, or worry what the neighbors will think if they don’t, are never going to have Happy Holidays.
I look back at the years when a sister in law and I shared duties and alternated locations so that the entire holiday work burden would not fall on one of us. We did our best to let the children know they had cousins, and have some semblance of a holiday that somewhat resembled what the kids saw on TV. It really didn’t work then, and I am so glad we both eventually divorced the dysfunctional brothers and got to stop the madness.
Meanwhile, all the children grew up, and so far only one of them has had children of her own. There is no attempt by anyone to have happy holiday memories. The ex sister in law and I remain friends, and we meet every now and then for a meal and wine, and to mutually thank God that we don’t have to do those holidays anymore. We each spend time with our children, see each of them at some point during the holiday season, and the rest of the year, usually have a meal out somewhere so there is no work on anyone, and are able to enjoy the visit. This may not make fodder for holiday movies, but it is sooooo much better! Our children have forged their own relationships with their fathers, or not, and we don’t have to deal with them, or their dysfunctional extended families. My own sisters and brothers all keep in touch, and keep up with my mother, and only see my own dysfunctional father if we absolutely have to in some social situation.
This is our reality. It is peaceful, and sometimes enjoyable, and we don’t feel the need to send out family cards or newsletters, and it’s really ok. We don’t worry about, or even care what the neighbors think. This is the season of peace and joy, and we finally found a way to have that. If the commercial traditions don’t work for you, then change the traditions to something that works for you and your family and friends. Have a Meh Christmas! And, a Happy New Year!
Thank you Chump Lady and NoMoreNarc. This is perfectly timely since my DD was picked up yesterday for her Christmas parenting time with CrapWeasel.
Big hugs to all my fellow chumps. We will stand strong and prevail through this season too.
Here is a winter story for CL. I went sledding last nite with my 12 year old son who has autism and his 15 year old sister. I had tinge of lament because the ex always went before. Not to bad though.
After sledding I was chatting with my daughter. I said, “We are going ice skating this weekend”. She asked, “Can I bring a friend?” I said, “Sure”. She said, “Daddy you are so much better than Mommy.” BPD/NPD’s make everything difficult. Kids figure it out.
That same evening there was another payoff from being sane parent.
As we talked she shared with me a post she made saying how she needed to do better by her brother than she had in the past and how she was trolled for it.
Her post and her response to the troll were beautiful and mature.
Then a coincidence hit me. Synchronicity if you will. The Friday before at a self help group, which shall remain anonymous, someone had been talking about something called “The Four Agreements” I realized my daughter had applied the first agreement, “Be impeccable with her words” and the fourth “Do your best”
It was a good nite.
This is so great, thank you for sharing and warming my heart
You should give her the book fir Christmas, she’s the perfect age.
I’ll take over for Delilah!!
I dedicate this song to all the loser scumbag cheaters and their respective dumb whores! My fellow chumps, we will survive!
NSFW!!!
https://youtu.be/VfLtiVGM6C0
Here’s my holiday love song to all the chumps waiting for Tuesday: I’m sitting on the other side of meh and it’s GREAT. My ex has the kids for Christmas this year. Know what that means? It means I get to WAIT till POST-CHRISTMAS SALES to buy presents! Everyone else will be returning gifts; I’ll be getting deals and snatching up all the stuff my ex forgot to buy that my kids are still wishing for. Right now, when everyone else is stressing over parties and shopping and annoying in-laws? I’m lying in the bath watching Netflix. All morning. And anticipating a whole week of sleeping in and watching Netflix every day. My parents are trying to convince me to do something with them for Christmas, and I’m trying to convince them that sitting home alone snuggling with my dogs is THE GREATEST CHRISTMAS EVER. I used to feel lonely on holidays, but now I truly cherish my rare solo time!!!! Eggnog and puppies, what could be better?!?
We’ll still have all the holiday magic, all the eager anticipation and gift opening. We’ll just do it on a different day. My kids get two Christmases and I get a solo Christmas AND a family Christmas! Best of all worlds. ????
You rock!
Netflix, egg nog, puppies… sounds like an awesome Christmas to me ????
I hope you get to spend some quality time with your parents over the holidays. Seeing our kids is our greatest joy.
For my fellow Man chumps
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3WrG5IBAjgs&list=OLAK5uy_n5T2au6TtE1qyiNXmK_eyQ-2Dz8thtaAY&index=10
I try to imagine what my X Asshat does for the holidays now and the possibilities are narrow: He is either in Europe eating cabbage and beets with a 26YO ho-worker twat and they are probably lying to her parents about exactly who the hell this 51 YO dude is (just a friend!) or;
He is back briefly in the states for a holiday visit staying with his pot-addled, stage 3 hoarded house of his 2 brothers and SIL, sucking in smoke, mold and dust with what looks like maple syrup dribbled from room to room on the pathways allowed. They will try to cook some ptomaine turkey with zero counter space and filthy dishes and trash and realize they forgot some vital ingredient because they lost their ambition in the bong water. The X Asshat will be pissed that they are not serving up the good stuff and will probably try to go find somewhere for them all to eat out and be a real dick to them all. There will be a lot of alcohol and shouty voices bitching about how The Man has held them down in life or;
He and Schmoops are broken up and he is wandering around whatever town he is in at midnight feeling sad sausage and angry and trying to figure out who to blame. Maybe he will treat himself to a hooker blowjob to take off the edge but; what he WILL NOT HAVE is:
His daughters’ respect and love or even their proximity. They will reject and ignore all attempts he makes to contact them and electronic gift cards will be refused. He won’t get my wonderful scratch cooking and doting on him while he lays around serving himself. He won’t get hearth and home with decorations and treats and the extra long couch we had made just so he could lay his 6’4″ frame down without hitting either arm. He won’t sit at the head of a gorgeous table I prepared as master and commander of all he surveys. He won’t get my warm bed as I fall in exhausted but peacefully proud that I pulled off a wonderful meal and hosting duties, still finding my energy to do sex because I love him completely and am happy with my life.
Though the life I thought I had is totally blown up I know that my daughters and I are creating our lives and traditions from the ground up and it will be BETTER simply because he is not the turd in our eggnog. We will not feel sorry for him because he chose this, he insisted on it, and we will never forgive him for his selfish choices.
My ex has been unable to round up a ‘slender young woman’ as his online dating site requests. So he will play lonely sad sausage, and loving papa, with the kids over Christmas. And they will cater to him.
As the kids are young adults I have no control over things. They will text him while they are here with me on Christmas Eve. And he will be texting them, to keep himself central. I will smile and carry on with my holiday dinner. He is nothing more than a gnat, a carbuncle, a dust mote.
It is so damn nice to not have to be subject to him and his schemes and miserable attitude any longer!!!
Huh. I put a Craigslist ad up asking for someone to bring me $100,000 and am having similar luck. Funny that.
What a difference a few years makes, Chumps!
–Proof that some things are indeed finite.
Happy New Year
This is my first Christmas since the separation.She’ll have my son on Christmas Eve and I have him on Christmas day. We used to go back to WV and I couldnt stand that. She has a big family and the entire holiday was driving from one place to another with specific times to be at each. I’m just going to make a new tradition and enjoy all the time that I can with my son.
My cheater conveniently showed our daughter what a piece of shit he is, all by himself! He surprise-filed for divorce in June, and has been living happily ever after with his AP, posting pictures of himself and his beloved all over the place. He has spent precisely two days with his daughter in all of 2019. And those two days were because they went to a funeral. Otherwise, he would have spent zero days with her. So, his mother rented a house in Cabo for him and his sisters and their families for Christmas. Our daughter was supposed to join them. She was excited. Having lost her nuclear family, she felt she needed to spend time with her extended family. Until Cheater announced that “I will be accompanied by my girlfriend.” Nothing that my daughter said to him regarding how she’s not ready to spend a week with the woman who blew up her family, how much this would hurt her, etc., had any effect. Her charming grandmother wouldn’t even agree to give her a bedroom far away from her father and his whore. His only offer of compromise was that our daughter stay by herself in a nearby hotel. Yes. He wanted to stash a 20-year-old girl alone in a hotel in Mexico. Because the whore MUST be with his family. So my daughter decided to not go. Fuckwit tells her, “I need you to go to Mexico. I will be HUMILIATED if you don’t go.” (Because of course it’s her responsibility to manage his family’s impressions of him.) She finally writes him a carefully worded email stating that she’s not going, reiterating her love but saying she’s just not ready. Daddy’s response? “You will be missed.” So thanks, fuckwit, you showed our daughter what a POS you are. You chose your girlfriend – who you see every day – over your daughter. Her heart is broken, and so is mine, for her. But you know what? We’re going on a cruise to the Bahamas. Fuck him, fuck her, and fuck his awful mother who refused to intervene, because she thinks her degenerate son shits gold. Which actually explains a lot. Truly awful people. All of them.
Your daughter is doing a great job setting and maintaining boundaries. I hope she has a lovely holiday. No surprise that the EX chose the girlfriend–his daughter is past the age where daddy is on a pedestal, and rather than deal with her as an adult, he’s discarding her in favor of someone who will pretend to worship him.
Susan I’m so sorry that you & your daughter are going through this. Your daughter is extremely lucky to have you for a mother. I hope the two of you have an amazing time on your cruise.
My situation is the opposite of yours. I busted my STBXW again and I filed. She moved her Sparkle Dick and his 4 boys in the same day I moved out. My 21 year old & 17 year old sons want nothing to do with me now and act like this is totally acceptable behavior from their mother. It’s been almost a year since I’ve had any real communication with them. I reach out almost everyday but all I get is crickets. I still attend all their things they are involved in and I’ll continue to let them know I love them but it is extremely tough when you hear next to nothing back.
Please don’t give up ChumpTight. There is sure to be some misinformation coming from your XW , one day your boys will see how much you care.
Your daughter is a hero. Good job.
Would it be wrong to tell you the Christmas forecast for here is just under 100 degrees? ????????????
I for one welcome our snowless overlords.
What a chump I am! First Christmas since DDay and separation and ex sends me an abusive email about me having an affair and destroying his relationship with his sons.
I ignore the comments and tell him the boys would like to see him on Boxing Day. Reply that he won’t be here for Christmas and may not return!!!!!!!!
He plans Christmas without a care for his sons but blames me for keeping him apart from them!
Merry Narcfree First Christmas ????
Sorry for the rant it’s not just holidays. My ex who couldn’t lift a finger to help with kids or anything else for that matter the whole 15 years we were married. Laughs that he only changed 10 diapers. Suddenly has all the time in the world to play Wonder “Father”. Has to show up for every minute the court gave him and shows up at every school event to cause a scene(last year he threatened to call the cops on me because he didn’t have possession of our child during his time; she was with her teacher practicing for her show) and let everyone know he showed up. Its the shit sandwich that never ends. Sorry, super mad today. Ex who pays his child support and insurance never on time. Owes back child support and insurance. Showed up for our daughters 1st band concert last night and when they said parents could take pictures with the kids was the 1st parent on stage to take a picture. When I asked him about helping pay for band (before school started ) he told me I had a stick in my ass! I didn’t even get a picture with my daughter and I paid for all of it. All of ya’ll who your ex’s disappear you are so truly lucky!! I feel as if Meh isn’t in the cards. Oh and to make it worse his father who would never help us financially the whole time we were married- has made it his mission to pay all of ex’s bills-apparently indefinitely! Its been 3 years and ex hasn’t worked either.
I am so sorry for you and your daughter. For what it is worth, my EX behaved this way for two years–giant five-minute hugs every time he saw the kids with lots of loud proclamations about how he loved them and missed them and thought of them all day long when he didn’t have custody. Same guy who skipped their birthday parties when we were married.
I had the same threats about calling the police if he didn’t have possession of the kids (despite the fact he’d show up over an hour late so the school had called me to retrieve them when he wouldn’t answer his phone). The more bluster you get, the more confident you can feel that he knows he is full of crap. If his behavior makes you fearful, just document all contact/custody issues every day–it is a three minute task that will be very helpful if you do get dragged to court.
As the kids got a bit older he showed up less. Eventually, he moved out of state. At the time of our separation, I never imagined he’d leave–I thought I’d be stuck with his competitive parenting forever. His contact with the kids is sporadic now. It remains dramatic–all protestations of how they are the most important thing in his life, etc., but it takes a lot of energy to maintain the pretense of “best parent in the world,” and the fact that there isn’t much audience for it (other parents, teachers, coaches, etc. often see through it fast without you ever saying a word) means it will diminish over time. Keep your fingers crossed–if your EX was a lousy, no-show parent before, he will return to form over time. (The bad side of this is your child will suffer in new ways when Dad is too busy to show up for the concert.)
I know that “meh” will take a long time coming. At 9 years out, I am not sure I am there. But I don’t miss him. Ever. And that is worth remembering. You are doing the hard work, and the rewards for it aren’t captured in photos. He is just taking token trophies to prop up his self-respect and fake image. You are the real winner.
Eilonwy
You’re comment made me feel better. I am 3 years out and have 10 to go. I am lucky to be out as I am pretty sure my ex is a malignant narc. My life is 90% better without the verbal and emotional abuse.The children and I all have ptsd from the events that led to the divorce and the many years of abuse; the court system where I am is very ignorant. Didn’t help it was a small town and ex’s friend knew the judge. We left with nothing 3 years ago and I was a stay at home mom- who ran our business. I have acquired a good job, bought a house and we are starting to heal. But anything that he can be involved with is a nightmare. My oldest is treated as the golden child and my youngest is the scapegoat. I don’t know how bad my children will suffer when he doesn’t show as this has only been 3 years of showing up at things and he only shows if he can look important or cause a scene. I know this will end when the kids are grown. I have the best family and support system- The Meh is just a long way off. Thanks for reading my rant.
Finding Peace-
Meh is in your deck of cards. I promise dickieshithead is going to fold and his dad will tire of paying for image management and walk away from the table.
Let him be the freak. Everyone already knows he is.
My ex left on December 15th a few years ago, so really a sad Christmas for me. I always wore a heart on a chain that my husband gave to me. On Christmas morning, just my son and I, I opened my present from him and it was a heart pendant. He told me that he was my heart. Wow! I realized right then and there that we would be ok. All of you will be too. Merry Christmas.
On the years my daughter is with cheater, I try to remember that she is eating the biggest shut sandwich of all. She didn’t ask for this. She had nothing to do with even choosing a man to be her father who is an appalling lying sack of shite and a Part Time Ghost Dad.
AND YET she is making the best of that. Without being a doormat and occasionally torching him when required, my daughter is politely tolerating lovebombing from the latest StepSugarMama, going to see the only Nana and extended family she has left, and maintaining relationships that are none of my business and making her own memories. SHE IS MIGHTIER than any of us.
For my part, I’m sleeping in on a weekday, sipping a hot beverage before it gets cold, and putting a few gifts I saved back under the tree whenever. I will relax and work on my semi famous Butterscotch Gingerbread and Lemon Butter Cookies, with Royal Icing. The only sandwiches I make with be Linzer cookies with Lemon Curd and jam. I assure you they are the opposite of Shit.
When she comes HOME, because there is Dad’s House and HOME, <3, we’ll open up gifts, sleep in AGAIN. Then we will eat cookies, go to the swanky mall uptown, and have almost an entire week off work and school together.
During this entire time I will slave to make NO Welsh manwhore a 6 Course Roasted Duck dinner complete with canapes by myself. I will not watch anyone sit on my couch texting OW. No one will hit me or chuck a bar of green soap at my head bc I had the audacity to be allergic to it. On NYE, I will party with real friends.
Nothing about this is shitty. And you should see the cookies. They’re Baby Yoda and Mando this year, with edible pearl dust!
Luziana–
Thanks for this. It’s been too easy for me to fall into the “whoa, poor me victim trap” when truly, it’s the children that eat the biggest shit sandwich. We can aspire to Meh, but their whole lives will have to revolve around a completely different orbit then what they signed up for. It’s been very wobbly, but we’re getting there. It hasn’t helped that A**hat has made this torture, so parsing out my feelings for him from what’s best for my kids, has been difficult.
Both my parents died during this process, and I haven’t quite been able to pluck up enough strength to sort through their last two boxes of stuff. When I did sift through their two houses, I came across so many photos of my children with their Grandparents, piano recital programs, sports newspaper clippings, thank you notes–what mattered most to them was moments.
I recently came across a Mother’s Day card from my son dated May 2018 (#2 DDay April 2017, mom died Nov 2017, Dad died, divorce & 25 wedding anniversary May 2019).
“Mom, you’ll always be home to me”–that says it all.
CN at large.
Any advise for how to get through this while pre-seperation/divorce. While he’s still pretending we are happily married. And I am avoiding him as best i can.
I have told him I want a divorce. He refuses to take me seriously so I am letting him live in his dillusion. He is managing to ignore the fact that I haven’t let him touch me in any way shape or form since D-Day. I am in the background getting my ducks in a row and starting the divorce process with the plan of presenting him with the petition in January.
He has been home for 2 days with the kids and already the nice guy mask is slipping. Nasty comments galore to me and the kids. Face like thunder most of the time and woe is me complaints.
I have 2 weeks of this before he goes back to work (and his multiple fuck buddies/prostitutes etc) and I feel like crying. The thought of visiting his narc family and putting on a brave face for mine is soul destroying.
I will get through it but feeling very grim about Christmas right now. Not to mention terrified about the ensuing fall out/rage in January when I get the courage up to kick him out.
It’s tough. I too, had to fake while planning and building up courage. My advice is try even harder to think about all you want and need after the divorce. Its so hard to truly think financially. Don’t start at 50/50. Think 100/0 and negotiate down. Go to a certified divorce financial planner. Put in your decree things like: he has to pick up the kids, not you meet him somewhere evry time for the next however many years; any presents (christmas, bday…) he has for kids must be opened at his house; Ow/skank can’t be introduced to kids or go to school conferences, sporting events, etc., for at least a year and then only when kids say they are ready. He must pay for their therapy and get them to and from it and it must not interfere with school or your time. Put in that he must have life insurance and kids must be beneficiaries not OW/skank. Alimony equal to all years of marriage. (Its tax free now) Put in that you claim all kids, every year, for taxes. Look up what others have put in their divorce decrees.
Keep reading this blog for insight and support and also other places to get all info you can about the nitty gritty of finances and divorce. You may be hoping for a miracle, wishing the cheating was not real and can’t imagine what your life will be like without him and your family together. You may wish and hope you’ll stay together or reconcile but prepare as though for right now, divorce is happening. Plan.
Actually write lists of what you need and want.
Also, write lists of all the terrible things he’s said and all he’s lied about to you and therfore your kids. It will keep you rightfully mad and mightily focused.
Oh and keep it all very well hidden. I feel for you. I know how hard it is on your soul to go along pretending and feeling so sad and hurt and betrayed and sick with his attitude and thunder faces. I’ve been there. Just try, try, try to think “smart” while being in terrible pain. You’ll be glad you were a tough negotiator. Sending good, you are strong, sympathetic thoughts your way!
The above was meant to reply to the main post. Not sure what I did wrong lol
Sorry
Inspiring! I think I may have to try using lemon curd in Linzer cookies while I contemplate New Year’s resolutions to adopt some of your mightiness!
I want to let new chumps know this takes time. If anyone is feeling grief, frustration and pain right now, you get to feel that and work through in your own time. I’ve just decided that for me, divorce means separate lives, and choosing not to engage in every perceived slight and power struggle El Diablo lays out there as poison bait.
He’s an incorrigible Dumb-Dumb. If he weren’t, we’s still be married. But my daughter appears to want some sort of relationship with him, so that is the best gift I can give her to move the fuck on.
<3 <3 <3
You take the time you need to heal. You are a Jedi of Mighty.
CN at large.
Any advise for how to get through this while pre-seperation/divorce. While he’s still pretending we are happily married. And I am avoiding him as best i can.
I have told him I want a divorce. He refuses to take me seriously so I am letting him live in his dillusion. He is managing to ignore the fact that I haven’t let him touch me in any way shape or form since D-Day. I am in the background getting my ducks in a row and starting the divorce process with the plan of presenting him with the petition in January.
He has been home for 2 days with the kids and already the nice guy mask is slipping. Nasty comments galore to me and the kids. Face like thunder most of the time and woe is me complaints.
I have 2 weeks of this before he goes back to work (and his multiple fuck buddies/prostitutes etc) and I feel like crying. The thought of visiting his narc family and putting on a brave face for mine is soul destroying.
I will get through it but feeling very grim about Christmas right now. Not to mention terrified about the ensuing fall out/rage in January when I get the courage up to kick him out.
Oops! Responded to an old post again, but I’m leaving it up in case anyone else is in this situation.
Firstly, don’t go to see his family. Manufacture a bad headache to get out of it. It would be agony to have to put up a pretense for them that everything is fine. The last couple of years with my FW I never went to his family events. They are almost all completely insufferable narcissists and he was treating me so terribly that I didn’t feel I owed him the effort of putting up with them. Plus I was in no place emotionally to tolerate their bullshit. Naturally, after Dday FW used that as an excuse for the cheating he was already doing for years before I stopped going. You don’t owe your FW putting up with his family either.
Let your FW be as delusional as he likes. That works in your favour because it means he won’t notice all the steps you are taking to get him away from you until it’s too late. Grit your teeth and get through this time as best you can. A better life is waiting.
First cheater free Christmas here. This is a tough time of year. It’s when my mom died 12 years ago, when it was suspected my daughter has a brain tumor, when STBX left me, when after he came back I found out he was still in contact with ho-worker and hinting of wreckonciliaton to her… and now finally me having had enough but still all raw about all the lies that I can hardly grasp..
Daughter will spend Christmas eve and day with me and my sister’s family and a few other relatives, and then after that she’ll go with STBX to his sister and her daughter. His sister is divorced and gloating that he is finally divorcing me. It was very upsetting to her the last time STBX TOLD HER that he was certainly divorcing me, and THEN DIDN’T and she’d told her daughter we are divorced and everything so how dare he back out! Yeah. She can keep her “victory”.
My daughter is 24. She has spent every Christmas Day of her life at my FW’s mother’s house. I spent 31 Christmas Days there. My daughter will be there again this year with FW, his mother, step-sister and her family. She will be spending the day with the FW who cheated and lied and emotionally abused me and the grandmother who lied to her about me and told my FW that he should have “slit my throat”. I will be spending the day alone in my apartment. My daughter will get home to me late afternoon and we will share that time together. But I cannot adequately express how much I despise the fact that she will continue to “celebrate” this holiday with such hateful people. But it is her tradition and I have never told her all the horrible things they have said and done. She loves them…and I suppose they love her in the whatever way they are capable of loving. I will sleep in, read a good book, indulge in some comfort food and look forward to the time I will have with her when she gets home.
That’s horrible! I don’t blame you for staying away from those freaks.
My kids have to eat more of the shit sandwich with their FW Dad & Schmoopie than I do now. The Christmas shortly after D-day was a painful foot-long one, but I spit that sucker back out and I’m pretty good now. Their dad tries to recreate our Christmases with them, but it’s too late. He always had the “reluctant” father & husband act down & now our kids aren’t buying into his new act of Father Christmas, Father Involved. The guy literally wrecked every holiday & excursion by sulking, trying to show us he didn’t want to be there. I know he tried to impression manage that by swapping out their mother for Schmoopie, he was miraculously cured & “happy” now!! Except that fell by the wayside soon enough. “Dad is back” (being his real self) was the funniest words I heard my kids say awhile ago. Now Schmoopie & FW get to eat the shit sandwiches by staying together & pretending they didn’t do a huge colossal fuck up! Oh the joy of Christmas! 😆
As a fellow Michigander… laughed so hard at your description of your sister in Petosky as I’m contemplating running around for Saturday chores on this frigid morning. Spent college in Florida and that first Christmas was a gob smacker with no snow.. I feel your pain.
As far as the holidays go.. my daughter and I were just going over this very idea.. what truly makes a holiday good for us? For me, post ex.. it’s quiet. I don’t have a large group of friends now at my age and initially it can look really lonely. I can either choose to feel lonely or think about what holidays looked like with the ex. They were nightmares honestly. He “didn’t believe in gifts” which meant he spent his bonus on himself. It was left to me to explain to the grandkids why there weren’t any presents when they brought presents. It was gut wrenching and I internalized all the shame on my own.. he didn’t feel one iota of shame for being so damn selfish. During these holidays, I was a slave in the kitchen for days for these family get to-gethers. They weren’t my kids so they usually didn’t help bc they were too busy smoking weed in the garage with their father the ex while I tried to wrangle a passle of grandkids while cooking and washing dishes without a dishwasher for 15 people. Oh.. and to put a finer point on *that*… there was a brand new dishwasher sitting it’s box for 15 years because he didn’t feel like remodeling the kitchen after he bought it. You should have seen the rage when I hauled it into a spare room because his unneutered dog kept pissing on it… which he eventually harmed (una1ived) when it pissed on his work clothes. Yeah those are not the fun times I miss at all when I really look at it closely and don’t romanticize.
So I don’t miss one second of that even if I feel a bit lonely *some*times.. it doesn’t last that long when I think of all the bs that I could be dealing with.. so in that loneliness I find a whole dump truck full of peace and that is the most priceless gift I could ever receive.
Happy holiday to you all.. I wouldn’t have this peace without this Chump Nation and I am forever grateful to each and everyone of you! sending much love and peace to all.
I endured the torture so that I could wait until DD was over 18 when I filed. She hasn’t sent him in over six years. But the shit sandwiches were regular fare—a purposely tipped over tree leaving dozens of smashed ornaments, one sided arguments over detangling string lights that involved screaming inches from my face, throwing a pet against a wall, eating up food I’d prepared so fast so that he was done before we even sat down to start, then complain how slow we were, recording us decorating so he could show his “friend” to compare how hers were better…
I coped by lining my ducks and not posting his bail when he got arrested. Jail has big stock in shit sandwiches.
“Throwing a pet”?!?…how ghastly !! I also endured until fate stepped in and Cheater died. His last Christmas was bad as per normal with him acting like a dreadful cranky baby. He got mad at the Christmas tree for falling over and (although it was mid-demand we weren’t done with the tree yet) Cheater responded by dragging it through the house with all the delicate ornaments still attached to throw it out the back door (he had done this before). My oldest son (Then mid 20s) approached his dad and said “We’re not doing this”…it was the proudest moment ever.
Life is so much better now
Yes, threw the cat against the bedroom wall because I dared to ask why he was so angry at me trying to untangle some lights. I was not angry at all, so unaware at the time Re his raging reaction. I’m horrified that your cheater would drag the ornamented tree through house to throw out? He was also an angry abusive fuckwit with an anger disorder. I am strangely comforted by the idea that he now takes all that shit out on his “new” duplicate family as there is no such things as character transplants. Your son sounds like an amazing upstanding man, unlike his father.
Anger was his default reaction to everything. I dont know why he and Schmoopie broke up, but I wonder if she got a dose of his anger.
My son gives me challenges but he is decent to people and (from what I understand) honest with the women he dates.
SIGH!!!! My kids are early 20s. Not little anymore. I am currently MOVING out of the marital home. FW is buying out my share and I just got an apartment. FW moved out 2 years ago and dragged out the divorce for a year and half. Looks like we will be signing final papers within the next week or two. FINALLY!!!!
Moving as a person in their 50s feels sort of terrible. Moving in December? I mean, its not ideal. It’s like 12 degrees outside. (But a bit exciting too! At last, moving forward!)
I am working full time and with the moving I just don’t have the energy to “produce” Christmas. My children are somewhat oblivious. In their minds, it’s good that the house is “staying in the family” and they can still live here rent free. Never mind that mom is leaving home for the holidays!! I know that by Jan 1, life will be better and I will start building a new chapter. But, right this very minute I’m trying to book movers and getting an apartment set up. Any encouragement is welcome.
Cheers to all the Chumps out there! It’s going to be OK! I hope!!!
Plenty of us here in our 50s moving out and setting it all up again- right there with you xx
You are going nowhere but up from here on. I moved out in my fifties as well, in the dead of winter not long after my birthday in January. After all the unpacking was done I realized that a new sense of peace had come upon me. It started small, as I was still recovering, but it grew and became better all the time.
I think it’s one thing to know you will feel better, which you clearly do, but you can’t really appreciate how big a difference it makes until it happens.
Also, check out your new town, starting with the immediate neighborhood. Meet your neighbors. Check out the local coffee shop, see if the library or the Y has classes, or if there’s a hiking group you can join.
Personally, I got a lot of mileage out of joining women’s hobby groups. It was a nice way to meet people without any pressure.
Hang in there. I’m sorry your kids are oblivious. In my experience, kids start to wake up to the broader realities of what their parents have dealt with around their mid-20s, usually when they start paying rent on their own and life knocks them about a little (or they have their first heartbreak, or the blinders fall off regarding the narcissist in the family).
My siblings were in their mid to late 20s when they each called me in the same week, purely by chance, to remark on the amazing job our parents did despite their mistakes. I think struggling a bit as young adults gave them perspective.
As to the new place, my suggestion is make it cozy. This doesn’t have to mean expensive. Get throw rugs, a nice blanket, new linens for your bed, houseplants, wall art. Furniture can be found cheap at Goodwill or Facebook marketplace. Where do you spend the most time, and what do you need to make it yours?
For me, that was the kitchen. I got a bread machine cheap on eBay, an indoor herb garden, a Dutch oven (I love one pot recipes), and a spice rack with all my favorite spices.
I got also got a new mattress, new linens, and weighted blankets.
Yeah, I thrifted some nice pieces, plus I got stuff from around the neighborhood people were throwing away. I scored a solid cherry dining table in great condition with only some scratches, a rocking chair, some side tables and two dressers, all right on the street and all good quality.
The tradition around here is to put out anything in good shape that you no longer want a few days before garbage day.
I’ve even seen a few incredible antique pieces, which unfortunately were too large and heavy for me to move myself. A neighbor scored them.
it’s 4 years since D-day, and i’ve had 3 Christmas’ without the FW, so it’s peaceful. i have adult kids. we’ve made new traditions that are meaningful to us, and it feels good, you know? i live with my 2 adult kids, who see their dad every 1-2 weeks for a quick meal, and will visit him on Christmas eve for a couple hours.
we started a tradition of SOPRANO’S Christmas (all Italian food) and that was fun, but this year we’re shifting to a LEBANESE Christmas for something different (dips + pita + lotsa roasted vegetables and meats, etc. etc.) it’s a collaborative cooking event which is enjoyable.
no more tense 2 hours meals with the in-laws (only a sister remains), who were drinking and squabbling and putting me down. i was the one who set boundaries, thus unpopular. the last several years of the marriage we only visited the in-laws at Christmas, and went to their house because they couldn’t really tolerate leaving their own home.
the X hates his sister, so there’s that misogyny. i won’t get into the family dynamics of their FOO except to say that my X got all the emphasis/adoration/glory, and his sister was used for her service–but she repeats the family legend that X is wonderful/walks on water/godlike. he is not. it’s profoundly weird.
i’ve adjusted to the new reality that all the “friends” have disappeared in the wake of the divorce, and have a few good friends that i see over the holidays. it’s meaningful. i feel sturdy these days, from an emotional perspective, and try to do all the things required to stay that way.
it takes a long time to calm down after a narcissist leaves your life, and it’s only lately that i recognize my fight or flight response has gone away, replaced with real feelings. this is a new phase for me. these feelings are not big or dramatic, they just roll through my life. i’m thankful for this, as i was emotionally “stuck” for many years–therapy continues helpful.
You’ve come such a long way- and you’re right- it does take a long time to get some equilibrium.
This last paragraph is the TRUTH!
I used to think I hated the holidays. Turns out I just hated my dad’s narcissistic family!
(They’re now all dead or estranged. The last few years of holidays and birthdays have been heaven.)
I think this deserves a seasonal parody for the newbies. To the tune of Winter Wonderland:
Doorbell rings, can you hear it?
Oh shit no, it’s your fuckwit
A hideous sight
S/he’s got kids tonight
First year holiday coparenting
Send kids off with their backpacks
Now begin acid flashbacks
Of past holidays wars
With a disordered whore
First year holiday coparenting
[Chorus]
Remember how s/he’d never build a snowman
And how s/he would refuse to trim the tree?
When asked to help with dinner s/he’d scream “No, man!”
Then watched three gloomy documentaries
That Christmas in-laws descended
You couldn’t wait till it ended
The acrimony and strife
Could be cut with a knife
Thank God for holiday coparenting
[Chorus]
Remember how s/he negged you all through New Years?
Then snuck off with a phone to text Schmoopie?
And how you’d paste a smile on and fake good cheer
So at least the kids had better memories?
Now no more spoilerism!
Divorce is like exorcism!
Imagine the fun
Of creep-free traditions
Thanks to holiday coparenting
Just wait until your walls begin to sing
Thanks to holiday coparenting…
I’m past this point now, too, but I can still appreciate it. My son, the only minor left in our family when the FW whore XW exit-affaired me w/her boss is now nineteen going on twenty late next year.
There’s no more schedule to be followed, thank God. My son and two daughters decide when and where they want to interact w/me or the FW whore XW, and that’s fine.
They were all w/me at my brother’s for Thanksgiving, which was nice. Thanksgiving weekend, I was able to set my son up to get his old tires on his mother’s old car (now his) replaced with new winter tires at a Costco near Boston where he goes to college.
He was very happy I was willing to get him the snow tires, because he knows I wish I could afford to help him get a car that is not the car his mother immediately got after exit-affairing me (by trading in a used car I got for her, that she never appreciated, when I was at my lowest point in life so far, both financially and emotionally, and relatively shortly after which started her affair w/her rich, married boss😠).
A car he understands I will never ride in w/him because of its link to how his mother abandoned me and our family to try to find/create greener pastures (boundaries!). I don’t have a rich new partner that makes that possible like his mother, buying her a new EV (image management! Look! I’m green and I’m your local politician!) so she can hand over her old car to our son for him to use.
But I could give him fresh new snow tires for that car. Because it’s for HIM, despite it going on his mother’s old car.
So, to all the newbie chumps out there, I’m very sorry you’re here, but HOAC is doing a great job, trying to boost your morale. Excellent parody, HOAC!
Newbies, it will get SO much better. The shit sandwiches get smaller and easier to handle. Most of the time, there are no shit sandwiches at all. Grey rock and no contact are major reasons for this. Use them, please. They will save your sanity and bring peace.
Best wishes to all of Chumpdom! Hope you can enjoy this Saturday. Even a little bit.😊
I understand the whole car thing.
I’m so glad your boy understands why you’ll never get in that car.
Well, Bluewren, he knows I won’t go w/him in his mother’s former car, but I don’t think he really understands why. To him, and probably also my girls, if their mother isn’t around, I’m not sure they understand my boundaries regarding anything related to me.
I guess I was mixing my reasons for not going in that car with him understanding those reasons in my previous response. Sorry for the confusion!😬
I relate to how you react to objects associated with cheating– with total revulsion, as if it were possible to contract syphilis from mere proximity.
From what I’ve read, that sense of revulsion may relate to social science theories that monogamy is partly an evolutionary strategy to avoid deadly STDs and so-called “biologically intuitive” fears of contracting these diseases due to infidelity. Whatever is the case, you’re not alone in feeling that way. Just ew.
Thanks, HOAC. I just associate it so much w/what she is and did to the family and me with her scummy, treacherous actions. It triggers me to a certain extent whenever I see my son using it.
It brings back how callous, destructive, dismissive and disrespectful the FW whore XW was around D-day towards the family. And continues to be to this day, though the kids don’t see it, I think. She hides it well. She’s very good about that. Very high functioning when it comes to impression management.🙄🤬
I don’t think it has to do with the thought of getting STD’s from her for me. Although that definitely hit me on D-day! When I confronted her about that, she said, oh, he’s married, he wouldn’t have any! Hand to God.🙄 Gotta love fuckwits (or maybe the opposite?). She really thought that, I think. I later found out he was hitting up every woman he could convince to fuck him that wasn’t his wife of forty years. Scumbag that he is.
I realize that wasn’t exactly what you were getting at with the studies. But, I really appreciate you confirming it’s not me alone that feels this way about fuckwit stuff.
And yeah, growing up teenage-wise in the 80’s definitely enhanced my already pretty solid desire for monogamy. I really don’t care for fucking around, and I also really don’t care for getting diseases I can avoid by being a trustworthy person in a monogamous relationship. Go figure!😂
Thanks again, and I hope you’re having a good weekend, HOAC!😊
“When I confronted her about that, she said, oh, he’s married, he wouldn’t have she had the any! ”
These FWs are SO dumb. If he is married and cheating with her, what makes her so sure he hasn’t been cheating with others? My FW had a long distance affair and at one point found out his AP had another boyfriend. He was shocked and devastated. I mean, he knew she had the type of character to be involved with a married man with kids, was cheating on him that outlandish of a next step? Nitto mention HE had a wife and kids, so her bf was not that bad in comparison.
What you wrote is exactly what I meant by mentioning the studies. Bringing up the research always prompts details like what you shared which aren’t discussed often enough on the issue of infidelity. Not an unimportant “sociopolitical” issue since infidelity is now the most common vector of HIV worldwide.
Plus it brings it up under the aegis of “science” and sociopolitics which– ha ha– acts like a shield against anyone calling the discussion “bitter.” Personally I find it hilarious to foil cheating apologists’ usual attempts to pathologize and silence chumps and, for that purpose, science and history, etc., come in very handy. Plus it’s all very interesting. There’s actually a whole constellation of studies related to the above issue including one finding that cheaters are far more likely to contract and pass on STDs than even those in open relationships.
I’m sure they’d find the same is true for serial “mate poachers.” On that score, there are more studies about how cheaters and poachers tend to be high in psychopathic traits, are delusional about their own attractiveness (so possibly also delusional about disease risks) and one very telling one about how cheaters tend to have an abnormally high threshold for “ick.” They apparently just aren’t as grossed out as normal people are by fetid, slimy, filthy things and are, say, more likely to eat spoiled food, forego washing hands after using a public restroom, etc.
Fascinating stuff, really. And entertaining. For instance, if you encounter negative bystanders who either make apologistic noises about cheating or badger you over your “unforgiving” attitude towards you’re ex, just shift the discussion in a sciency direction and watch their faces contort as you rob them of the fun of negging you or strip them of their rationales. Then you can blink innocently and say, hey, it’s just science, no need to get bitter about it. 😉
This is art! Fantastic!
Hope it’s a morale boosts for new recruits. 🙂
I remember the sharing of the holidays and all the BS when the kids were young and letting those two cheaters blow happy family glitter bullshit all over them while being assholes to them the rest of the year.
You’d figure when kids are adults it’d be done, right?
Nope.
I became a grandmother a few short months ago and as wonderful and amazing as it is, along come those two cheaters again to be the turds in the punch bowl.
They are the last people I want that beautiful child exposed to .
My son knows his dad and isn’t having them over until much later in the evening but probably like last year they’ll be a bit earlier on purpose and we’ll all have to dig into the tray of shit sandwiches.
I’ll sit back like last year and think look at that pathetic specimen of a man and that skanky old ho who he’s also cheated on- get away from my family and especially this innocent child.
It’s the gift that keeps on giving, unfortunately.
But I’m determined to have a special day anyway- I’ll make sure it’s a great day.
Trust that they suck.
Your kids will figure out the lies too.
Trust that they suck.
Your kids will figure out the lies too.
Trust that they suck.
Your kids will figure out the lies too.
These mantras cannot be stated enough! Every time I am certain that my kids, who I adore, are having the best time with their dad, I (eventually) discover the truth of those times that I was certain were oh-so-sparkly. Their dad is nothing but a turd wrapped up in twinkly, shiny sparkles.
“The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.” – MLK Jr
Thank you, Tracy, for your endless wisdom!
💯💯💯 Lying liars who lie get found out in time. FW once told our then-8 year old and teens to lie to me about where he took them over the holidays. They chose truth instead because they had figured FW’s weird behaviors out by then. Lying and undermining Sane Parents is funzies for FWs. Stay unbothered & focused on your own life & future.
This is my first Christmas without FW. My little guy and I are living our best festive lives! FW always managed to shit on anything I had planned and I never felt comfortable decorating the house for more than a few days.
My son and I are creating our own Christmas traditions. We put the tree up on 1 December, we listen to holiday music whenever we want, and we are stocked up with candy canes.
Son and I won’t have to put up with FW’s whirlwinds of anger that come out of nowhere. And I won’t have to pretend that gifts from MIL are exactly what I was hoping for and that I am so so grateful.
Of course missing my son while he is with his father will be very hard. But it’s healthy for him to be able to compare how he feels at his father’s house compared to home with me. It’s a shit sandwich, but my son is the one who suffers the most.
My kids are grown, but I have young grandchildren. FW sees them once a month and I see them never, so the holidays are not my favorite time of year to say the least. Unfortunately, I think my eldest is as fucked up as FW. She dumped me, her sister and the rest of the family when I decided to leave FW. No explanation, but we weren’t that surprised. She had been getting colder, ruder, more self-centered and more dismissive for some time. I guess I spackled over that, hoping it didn’t mean what I was afraid it meant. The breakup was just a convenient excuse to get rid of the family. Her birth father was diagnosed BPD so the genetics are there for this kind of behavior. Since FW is a narc, they are simpatico. She knows he will not hold her to any standards but the ones he has for himself, which, needless to say, are very low. So she uses him and he lets her because he’s doing the same. That’s the covert way he took her away from me.
So that’s my holiday shit sandwich.
I do have the rest of the family, including my youngest, who is a darling, despite having FW’s genes. It’s almost like there was a custody dispute and we agreed to split the kids between us. I did get the better end of it because I have authentic relationships with my loved ones, but no grandkids is still a bitter pill to swallow.
I didn’t have custody issues, but there was a year that I only had one carefully chosen present for each college kid. Dad sent large checks supposedly to make up for the previous year when he sent nothing and that year. I took a deep breath when they told me the amounts, knowing that I had at least done my best and was the show-up parent.
I had nothing to worry about. They still talk about that Christmas, how I made everything work on a very tight budget, and how wonderful it was. We decorated sugar cookies together and enjoyed a food basket our church sent.
He didn’t even invite them to visit over the holidays until he had been gone for four years, and they were just so over him by then. The way he worded the invitation made it seem like he just “happened” to have dropped out of their lives. I kept my trap shut, but they took it as an invite to introduce them to my replacement and show them off to her. They didn’t go.
Yes, be the show-up parent, and they’ll usually figure it out.
Perfect clip on you tube Tracy!! A Bleak midwinter ..sung in a cold and dark Cathedral maybe? Singers wearing winter coats and hats!! That’s my winter here in The bleak midwest!! Fiits the mood of co- parenting with a 17 year old (mentally)cheater. Thank you for that interlude of my 18 years of, as you say..unmourned post Divorce holiday kids hand off. I’m so grateful 🙏 but pray for all of you as you go through that exchange. It’s finite for the holidays and it will be ok.
Our daughter was at his new groovy Greg Brady pad for the second post nuclear Christmas in 2019. He called me in distress because she suddenly went to her room and would not talk to him. She has not talked to him since. She was almost twelve.
I don’t know what happened for her. All she has ever said is, “something snapped.” I do know she could not take the combined cognitive dissonance of him and his parents saying and acting like his new place was something wonderful to behold, oblivious that she was in profound grief and that the new place was not the least bit wonderful but a symptom of a terrible intentionally inflicted fatal gunshot wound to our family.
I was a completely traumatized shell-shocked moron and let him come over to the house and family he left behind to open presents the first post nuclear Christmas. Once was more than enough and I regret that.
Thankfully holiday divorce executive orders did not disrupt what she and I normally did, and she quit going at all in 2021.
His family has strange ideas for gift giving, which goes right along with their strange ideas about conduct in relationships.
No love lost and no more holidays harshed, thank ya Jesus!
“I don’t know what happened for her. All she has ever said is, “something snapped.”
This is so much like what my older child is dealing with. FW moved out and for nearly a year, she went to his place for 50/50 visitation. More recently, she did start to complain and didn’t want to go..but she DID go. Then one day, on switch off day, she said “I am not going”. And it was like a switch flipped. She very much meant it. That was a few months ago. She has not had visitation with him since. I’m not sure how this will play out. We have a divorce decree signed, and are waiting for our court date. We both agreed to 50/50 and signed. But since a judge hasn’t approved it yet, I’m not in contempt by not forcing her. Once the judge approves it, that will no longer be the case. I am worried about that. But she is nearly 15. It is not exactly easy to force her to go.
And the holidays are a whole mess too. She doesn’t want to see him at all. And I actually feel bad for the FW. In the meantime, he blames me.
Loved your “Greg Brady Pad” reference. My FW’s place is more Quagmire from Family Guy.