He Says He Told Me Everything About His Cheating
He says he’s told her everything about his cheating. His Google history says otherwise. In fact, he was cruising dating profiles at their daughter’s birthday party.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
He thinks I should be wanting to have sex and not sleeping in the office because he’s told me everything there is to know about his cheating.
Here’s the highlights of what he said and it doesn’t make much sense.
(He’s a serial cheater, but he tells me he made a “mistake” one time.)
Him: I don’t lie to you. The one thing that I had to cover up I uncovered..
Me: You gave me three different versions
Him: Three different versions of what?
Me: Who you supposedly slept with that one time.
Him: Right, and that was the only time.
(His use of dating sites like match.com)
Him: All I did was what I had to do to just look for a minute and then get out of it. I never looked at it again.
Me: Actually you created your profile and looked at your matches. You had to find your lost password and everything so you could look at your matches and you had them regularly sent to your email.
Him: I never looked at the matches. I don’t know how you think that I did because I didn’t. Okay, I just got into it, slipped through it, looked at some of the gals, and then shut it. I don’t recall getting into it again. I just wanted to see what it was about.
(The best he had to say was about an hour later)
Him: I told you a while back that I would tell you anything you wanted to know, but what you got to remember is that my memory isn’t the best, and me telling you that I don’t remember something isn’t lying. I’m telling you what I remember and that you can probably help me with parts, and bits, and pieces of things.
You probably even talked me into shit that I didn’t even do or remember, and me saying that- like on that one thing, saying that I forgot the password, and get back in to check matches and shit, I honestly don’t remember doing that, at all, and maybe I did. I don’t know, but I honestly don’t recall doing any of that. If I did I would definitely tell you. You need to understand that. It’s not me — it’s not selective memory. It’s what I remember, honestly. Okay?
If you read this, thank you for your time. (Note: I am in the process of leaving and I don’t usually argue with him anymore because I mean what’s the point? 95% of the time I go into the office and shut the door on him.)
Morgan
P.S. The evidence I had about his dating site activity came straight from his Google Analytics history. The majority of it he did on our daughter’s birthday. (Of course he did. I’m busy managing the birthday party and he must have been feeling neglected.)
***
Dear Morgan,
Don’t stick your head in the mindfuck blender.
This is a contest of wills. His ability to bullshit is greater than your ability to withstand it. He’s not tethered to reality, so of course he has an answer for everything. It doesn’t have to make sense or be true. Call him out, cross-reference his lies, wire his dick to a polygraph machine — the result is the same. More bullshit.
The only winning move here is to walk away and go no contact. Let your lawyer enforce the consequences. You know enough. This relationship is not acceptable. Game over.
Confronting cheaters does not work.
Reality TV shows to the contrary, they don’t cop to their crimes or break down with confessions. No, what usually happens (based on a bazillion stories here and common sense if you realize this person doesn’t care about you) is the cheater doubles down on the manipulation. Cheating is an abusive POWER DYNAMIC. Truth-telling is power sharing and there’s absolutely nothing in that for them.
When you demand answers, like HEY WHAT WERE YOU DOING LOOKING AT DATING PROFILES AT OUR DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY PARTY? it’s kibbles to him. It’s centrality. You NEED him for something which he can deny you. That’s winning.
It only makes sense if you realize this person is your enemy. Yes, winning. His entitlement is at stake here and you’re questioning it. So he’ll do anything to weaken and destroy you. Exhaust you with circular arguments. Spin you up. Blame you. Send you on wild goose chases of conjecture.
Bald-faced lying works for him.
So long as you’re desperate for answers and looking to him, you’re still dependent and of use. The corollary is that your autonomy will enrage him. I’m glad to read you’re leaving, but please understand you’re dealing with a deeply deceptive person, so be very careful. Guys like this are dangerous. Here’s the part of your letter that gives me chills.
You probably even talked me into shit that I didn’t even do or remember, and me saying that – like on that one thing, saying that I forgot the password, and get back in to check matches and shit, I honestly don’t remember doing that, at all, and maybe I did.
This is some blunt-force gaslighting. Oh really, YOU made him create dating profiles? YOU put the idea in head? Which is really such an empty head because so many things fall out of it. He can’t remember! It’d be funny if it wasn’t so menacing.
This guy sounds scary. You have to be a disturbed character to be a serial cheater. But he’s also degrading you at significant family events, like a child’s birthday party. And then saying you did this to yourself. He’s a sicko.
You might think I’m being alarmist, but I wouldn’t wait to be buried in an oil drum (“She put herself in there, Officer!”) Don’t be the next Netflix special. Get OUT. Stop asking him questions and focus on immediate escape. We’re here for you.
Morgan,
You are doing the right thing by walking away. As CL says, this is the winning move. The sooner that you realise that Cheaters lie and gaslight as easily as they breathe the better.
Please don’t ever fall into the trap of believing a words that he says or trusting him and, additionally, don’t get hung up on waiting for an admission of wrong doing and the making of amends to get some form of closure for yourself ….. because either he isn’t strong enough to do it, or he will deliberately withhold it as a means of controlling/punishing you.
And isn’t it funny how a Cheater’s memory consistently fails them when they get caught out on a previous lie. Maybe your husband should get that checked out.
LFTT
An oldie but a goodie:
“In lying, one is identifying the other as one’s opponent, even one’s enemy. In marriage intimacy is developed through confessions, explanations, and soul searchings. But of course intimacy involves equality, and people who are telling lies are not seeking any aspect of intimacy, especially equality. Liars are hoping for advantage, which will be produced by disorienting and distracting the other person. The liar is stepping outside the relationship. The lie may be a greater betrayal of the relationship than the misdeed being lied about. It takes very little misinformation to disorient and destroy a relationship. I often point out to people that if I gave them detailed instructions on how to go from Atlanta to New York City, and threw in only one left turn that was a lie, they would end up in Oklahoma.”
-Dr. Frank Pittman
Private Lies
(p. 59)
“In lying, one is identifying the other as one’s opponent, even one’s enemy.”
This is so perfect.
My FW was awful to me even before the cheating. Had I not been caught up in a cycle of emotional/verbal abuse, I would have left long before the cheating. I was afraid of him. And ironically given this quote you shared, I used to actually think “this is how he treats me when I am on his team, divorcing him would be hell as them he would REALLY see me as the enemy and what would he do then?” We have kids so full no contact wasn’t an option.
But this quote, yes, once they are lying, you are the enemy. And you don’t even know you are the enemy right away.
Friday’s Challenge, re how long did it take you to fall out of love after D-Day? It was pretty quick for me because I found out about the affair years in. And that mistreatment I mentioned? It ramped up a lot during the affair, I jsut didn’t know that was why. So by the time I found out? l wasn’t exactluy broken up over “love lost”. I did do the pick me dance quite a bit. Out of fear. He didn’t break my heart by falling in love with someone else. He broke my heart by the cruel way he discarded me after decades of loyalty. It was his sheer meaness during that time that hurt.
Was he blackout drunk? Does he have Alzheimer’s or dementia or some other neurological condition which qualifies him to be admitted to a memory-care facility?
The deflection weapon of choice for a cornered liar is to claim they don’t remember.
It’s ok. Because all I need to remember is that, as with any other type of con artist or criminal, I can’t ever believe anything a cheater or a side piece says unless it can be independently verified.
And remember that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who lies. About anything.
If he said the sky was blue, I’d have to check.
“Leave at the first lie” is my post DDay standard.
❤️
I read that here and it’s a great motto. If I had left at the first lie almost 30 years ago my life would have taken such a different turn.
I wish I had left at the first lie..but I always feel sorry for their poor back story and terrible childhood. That’s what stopped me from leaving sooner..the sad sad sausage story. Plug your ears, they are still liars
My brilliant hard working ex only has memory issues when he is asked about the depth and breadth of his cheating. It is the universal cheater affliction.
My exFW apparently decided to write his lies down . He had a big spreadsheet where he was trying to track what he told to whom. Of course he saved it to the shared drive and it made for even more evidence for my attorney.
They will always lie! I don’t like liars and I keep them out of my circle. You do not have to have a good memory if you tell the truth. FWs do not understand that concept.
A lie spreadsheet! That is a new one in the FW playbook. Just when you think you’ve heard it all…..
How absolutuely splended a gift for Chumped’s attorney though!
“I never looked at the matches. I don’t know how you think that … Okay, I … looked at some of the gals …”
It’s on par with how a seven-year-old lies. “I didn’t do it, but I did, kinda.”
Cookie crumbs all over there face or chocolate on their hands. Nope not me.i believe they believe their own lies??? 2 year olds..
Morgan should leave him just for using the term “gals”.
Gals is an old-timey misogyny expression but, because it remains in unironic use by certain types of antedeluvian goons who somehow think it’s gallant, it’s still too gross to use ironically like “dames,” “broads” or “skirts” (pronounced “skoyts” if you’re a NYer lol).
There’s also “dish”, “chick”, “duck”. I don’t object to most of these, but the one that ticks me off is “tomato”. Idk why.
I think calling women “tomatoes” is the old-timey version of “babes” or “bitches.” But I agree it’s particularly icky. It just sounds so squashable or something.
Yeah, I’ve never heard of “tomato” but it sounds extra offensive, like if I’m to be reduced to a fruit I deserve a less squishy ambiguous one, at least call me “apple”.
It’s a really old epithet like “broad.”
I dont blame any Chump for asking questions at first…we have so many unknowns and we have huge decisions to make; of course we ask questions.
It took me a while (way too long) to realize that in my situation, asking questions of my then-husband was like loading a gun and handing it to him; an attack on me was his default to any questions. He also never promised as yours did that he was willing to answer questions. (He didnt seem to get-off on lying as much as I have discerned others do)
The fact that your cheater presented himself as a person who WOULD answer your questions and then shovel shit with both arms is an indicator of serious dysfunction. He is actually lying about lying.
So again, I throw no shade on any newbie who asks questions …but please learn from the scores of us who asked and asked and asked only to be insulted, blamed, and gaslit. Any actual unicorn genuinely interested in truth and healing would not be acting like this. I cant remember anyone here telling us that they got actual, helpful answers.
Please know that everything does downhill from here and CL is right that we’re doing well if we dont and up a crime victim.
I got a LOT of cruel crap from my Cheater when I asked a lot of questions early on and he gave me almost no info at all while he abused me more and denied shitty things he had done. After he died, I found more clues which pointed to his entire cheater history being much worse than I had any idea of. Some describe this as the truth we all get as the tip of the iceberg.
Run like Hell and expect him to criticize you for doing so.
My FW also hid behind trickle truth and poor memory. My role of clarifier and reminder seemed familiar.
But his ACTIONS were planned and ongoing. He had a co-conspirator. He jeopardized our marriage and my well-being for months. Maybe for years.
Line up your ducks. Quietly.
Morgan,
Good job on 95% of the time. I can’t wait to hear about when it gets to 100%!
What gets stuck in my craw about things like this is that the Google Analytics, the dating site profile (on his kid’s birthday no less…yeowtch!)..that’s the stuff that you have a smoking gun on. And he still denied it when the evidence was put in front of him.
Gods only know what else he has gotten up to. Why is “I think he probably did some other stuff and that stopped working so he (sloppily) made a dating profile” such a red-hot knife in my brain when I read this?
I do agree with him one count-you should be sleeping in the master bedroom.
After you kick him out.
It’s just another flavor of the old Fuckwit move, “so let’s all just get really cool with this because I admitted to my wrongdoing…and pay absolutely no attention to the man behind the curtain.” The heavily sanitized version of what went wrong and he can’t even keep his own story straight.
We are here for you!
And a Mighty Monday to the rest of you!
The mind floggery is strong in this one.
I had to chose to step off Cheaty McLiarface’s ride. But while I was firmly buckled in I had a lot of questions. I had to wade through his deflection, equating, and minimizing to pick up the pieces of reality so that I could stitch my true history back together. Regaining my agency was part of reclaiming my power.
When I found out that SparkleDick had a Schmoopie, I didn’t ask any questions. Everything just fell into place as to why he was such a dickhead our entire marriage. No need to spackle any longer.
I didn’t want to know because if I knew exactly what he’d done it was going to be far worse than I could ever imagine. To this day, I have no need to know. Because it’s gonna be vile. Like, really, really, REALLY vile.
I didn’t ask many questions either. I never even asked “how long”? He told me about his affair and I went numb. At some point I was asking him how he could toss away decades for someone he just met. Basically teling him he was an idiot, so in order to prove he wasn’t, he said “I didnt just meet her, this started back in 2017” I know this sounds SO stupid, but it never even occurred to me to ask “how long?” when he originally told me.
I am not sure that I asked any questions at all..other than the few times he kinda baited me. I asked how old she was, but only because he implied she was younger. (I guess he wanted to make sure my 50 something self knew I was being replaced by a woman in her 30s)
I am shocked at how little I know. But I also am glad because those details do not matter. What I know was not acceptable to me, and more details is just more foddder for pain. Though I will admit, it is really weird to know there is a woman out there that knew more about the state of my marriage than I did for years.
Unlike you, it took me a while to connect the dots. I went through a few years of emotional abuse which I internalized as my fault. It wasn’t until months later when I learned the cheating went much farther back than the initial evidence had shown. Therapy helped me process what had been going on, but what a deep scar.
Deep, deep scar. Sending kind thoughts of healing and hugs your way.
I was also chilled by this bit: “You probably even talked me into shit that I didn’t even do.”
Read: “I’m a psychologically battered man, yer honor! She harangued me with accusations until I became confused! The consequences of disagreeing with her were so terrifying to me that I was spellbound into confessing!”
I think he’s partly demonstrating to you the crap he’s going to tell other people if you dare follow through on the divorce. In other words, this line of bs is likely to be part of his smear campaign in the post-separation abuse stage and/or part of his strategy to deny you a decent settlement or weaponize the courts to threaten your custody.
If you’re forced to interact with him in person or by phone in the future and happen to live in a “one party consent” state for recording conversations over the phone or in real life, it might be a bit of protection to have some of these exchanges on tape just to demonstrate to others that any bs he attempts to spin about you being a crazy aggressor are empty.
But that’s only if you’re somehow forced to talk to him, otherwise CL and others are right that going as NC as possible is the safest thing to do because this guy is criminally disordered.
I don’t mean that he’s necessarily broken the law (yet) but the “confabulation” and “reversing victim and offender” are textbook marks of serious personality disorder (Wikipedia has an okay article on “splitting” in psychology which describes how they may fabricate lies about victims and then believe their own lies). So is the “spoilerism” or “desecrationism” he engaged in by being creepy on your daughter’s birthday (and worse, he may be incestuous/pedophilic since he was “desecrating” a child’s milestone event).
Because this stuff is all over the web these days, you’re probably aware that personality disorders are not the same as “mental illness” since actually mentally ill people don’t have the wherewithal to manipulate others or evade consequences the way “Cluster B” types do. The latter skill set is more akin to criminal mentality.
In short, he’s showing that he shares several key traits with domestic batterers and serial killers so taking any and all safety measures just on principle might be wise.
Wishing you safety and strength.
OP, read this multiple times. This was the exact thing my ex did.
Before the final dday. I had the classic “i can’t remember” and the trickle truth of “I might have done that” also paired with “I must have framed him”.
In a few of our last arguments, he would say I was making wild accusations. However I never actually accused him of anything (thanks to voice recording).
He did go on into the divorce and smear campaigned me that I was the abuser. He alleged I abused him in every way. Which was untrue. But he sure did twist events and situations.
But then he tried to use that to back me down on settlements and tried to use that for more custody. What I didn’t know at the time was he manipulated me into finding all my hidden evidence. And then deleted most of my evidence. I had a good portion backed up. But not enough.
Listen to us. I never thought my ex would do this. But he did.
To quote someone wise, “That f*cking guy.” There’s no hell deep or hot enough for someone like that. I hope you’re laying in wait for him to document anything he does wrong so that you eventually get full custody and can cut off all contact forever.
Personally I think most cheaters have the exact same MOs as domestic batterers so that the best bet to predict what any cheater will do post-separation is to look at forensic research on how batterers behave in the same circumstances… give or take black eyes and broken windpipes.
Any difference in MO may simply be that some abusers prefer less legally risky and less athletic methods to produce the same catastrophic damage in their partners. Call me crazy but it’s hardly like the latter is somehow intrinsically better than the former. According to Evan Stark, even the most severely battered victims still report that it’s the psychological abuse, coercion and control that are the most devastating. So I think they’re all demented killers in their hearts.
The sicker the FW is, the more they gaslight, lie, deceive, deflect, project, make excuses, rationalize, blame shift, etc. That’s just my opinion. But FW#2 for me was way sicker and did way more of that shit after D-Day than the first one. I bet if I asked him today (and no way I’m gonna do that or talk to him) he would still give me the bullshit lines of “I don’t remember” and “I was going through something” and “I blamed you for me losing my job, I wasn’t in reality”…blah, blah, blah.
Disordered people suck, that’s a given, but some of them are dangerous, like mine (#2) who almost strangled me to death over his phone. Mine also said things like Morgan’s did (blaming me, trying to say I did things to “trap” him, etc.) and it’s scary. You never truly know what a person is capable of until they show you. This dude is showing his true self and it is ugly and worrisome!
Tracy is giving sage advice, as always. Get out asap (stay with family or friends if need be) and get away from him. Cut the umbilical cord, as they say.
Morgan, good for you for using Google Analytics, but it won’t tell you everything. After discovering the infidelity, chumps often also discover that cheaters have or have access to multiple accounts, multiple phones and multiple laptops. These may be at home, at work, in their cars, their friends’ and family’s homes, or public sites like libraries.
Search the archives for “trickle truth” and you’ll see that many cheaters will only admit to what you already know and can prove, and sometimes not even that. My ex denied giving an money to his online AP. When I asked about the gift card he gave that day, he admitted to just one for $5 or $10. It was $250. He claimed he didn’t remember. I found evidence–email photos, purchase receipts, and actual cards–showing he’d sent her tens of thousands of dollars and allowed her to charge $5000 on a credit card he got for her. He still denied giving her money, and when I told him I’d found the print receipts for $7000 and $14,000 he sent by Western Union, he claimed they didn’t go through, although there was nothing to support that claim.
And there were even bigger thefts of money he stole from me, kids and even my parents.
I don’t know about your “process of leaving” and why you are going when he’s the one who cheated. I hope you have moved what assets you can out of his reach, have gotten a good attorney, and are reading about about how bad it can get, because it so often does. I’m glad you found Chump Lady and Chump Nation. Keep reading. There’s a lot to discover.
Agree with CL. He is disturbed. When they realize they are no longer in control is when they are at their most dangerous. So now that you are no longer giving him a sense of control by looking to him for answers, he might take back control by force. You need to be out of that situation.
I also had a FW who conveniently “forgot” sooooo many things and who seemed to particularly enjoy soiling what should have been happy family celebrations with his cheating filth. That’s an indication of a cluster b disorder IMO. Fortunately, he is a physical coward, I’m trained in martial arts and could kick his ass anyway. Your situation may be more perilous. Please give us an update later on so we know you’ve left and are safe. Try not to stress about his brazen lies and gaslighting. It’s to be expected from that sort of person. Just concentrate on getting free.
Sounds so familiar. I got this remark after opening our shared computer to find an escort page opened to the contact details. After confronting him he said: I was just looking at these photos to jerk off. Clearly you don’t know how guys work.
Except the page was open to the contract. If he is jerking off to a contract he’s worthless as a husband, but may have a great legal future.
My mindfck blender from DDay to FW departure (7 months). I’m now happily divorced.
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT PHONE? YOU HAVE A SECRET PHONE. WHY DO YOU NEED A SECRET PHONE?
FW: It’s not mine. I found it. I’m just charging it in case the owner calls it.
Me: Did the phone’s owner call?
FW: No, but here are all the combinations I tried to get into it. (Shows me a written list).
Me: Where is the phone?
FW: It is in my knapsack.
(I look in knapsack, removing all items).
Me: It’s not in there.
FW: Then we have a problem.
Me: We sure do.
Next day I look again for the phone in his Knapsack and find condoms.
Me: WHAT THE FCK IS THIS?
FW: No answer.
Me: Where is the phone?
FW: No answer.
FW: I’m not doing anything bad. Look, there will be no more strange phones. If I find any, I won’t pick them up.
Me: That would be good.
Me: I can see online that you have another phone.
FW: No I don’t.
Me: I can see that you are using it to WeChat.
FW: That isn’t me. Someone must be spoofing me.
Me: It’s funny that they know exactly when I’m not home. I want a divorce.
FW: OK. It was me.
Me: Who are you communicating with?
FW: A couple that owns a massage place.
Me: Why?
FW: No answer.
Me: Obviously your communication with whomever is more important than I am. I want a divorce.
FW: Can you see online what I’m doing while I’m doing it or afterwards?
Me: No answer.
Nude photos pop courtesy of Your Memories From This Day while he is checking his email.
Me: What was that?
FW: Nothing.
He runs to his computer to look for where the photos came from.
Me: Look at this (photo of a masked blow job). Looks like you were having fun.
FW: I don’t remember that photo.
Me: Look at this one.
FW: That isn’t me because it didn’t happen.
Me: This one is definitely you. Your penis is in her vagina! I know your stomach.
FW: That does look like me.
Me: I found your phone in the garage. You were lying about throwing it out.
FW: Have you seen me turn it on though?
Me: No response.
When he was finally leaving:
FW: Can I have my phone back?
Me: Why do you need it?
FW: It has all the massage places that I’ve been to.
Me: I don’t have it. I threw it out.
I absolutely loved reading this because it perfectly illustrates how absurd and frustrating it is to talk to a cheater. You want answers and all you get are ridiculous lies that go round and round and round. I think we all have lived some version of this, just with details changed here and there. The denials, the silence when you say something they didn’t expect, the ludicrous explanations that insult your intelligence, etc. I’m so glad that I got out and divorced him.
Yep, all that and the bizarre contradictions as well. My FW contradicted himself constantly, sometimes he would even say the reverse of a previous statement in the same sentence. He got genuinely confused when it was pointed out to him. They invest so deeply in their lies that half the time they probably can’t even accept the reality that they are lying.
Holy Toledo! That FW is one inept liar.
Once you know your FW is a liar, you might as well let him think he’s getting away with it. I say this because your goal should be to learn the truth, and when you know for a fact he’s lying it’s easy to figure out what the real truth is.
When I finally sat my ex down, his response was “This would be easier if you tell me what you’ve found out” to which I responded “You have a longstanding history of only confessing to the stuff you know you’ve already been caught at, so I’m not going to talk about how much I know or how I know it.”
By that point, I already knew what he sounded like when he was either lying or stalling for time to figure out a good lie. I had no interest in “confronting” him, I was just there to let him know exactly what my conditions were.
“Me: Who you supposedly slept with that one time
Him: Right, and that was the only time”
This right here is DEAL BREAKER. Wow, you bring up actual sexual infidelity and this is the callous, dismissive non-response he can muster? No protest, outrage, shame or remorse, just flatly throws it back in your face. He means to hurt you. This to me is sociopathy, and I lived it too. You need a quiet, safe & effective exit plan. Don’t threaten or serve him divorce while you’re under the same roof. It will escalate to scorched-earth real real fast.
Friendly reminder that the only one who gets to decide how you feel about something is YOU. It doesn’t matter if they think it was no big deal, or that you’re over-reacting, or if you’re stupid for “throwing away” the relationship over some teeny tiny little mistake, or that you should be a grown-up and “get over it already.”
Your feelings are yours to manage. In case nobody else has told you, I am giving you permission to nurse that grudge and (decades from now) to die mad about it.
He thinks you should want to sleep with him after a fundamental betrayal? I think he should go fuck himself off the edge of a cliff. Looks like we’re both disappointed.
Kudos to you for realizing you can only win by leaving. This lying liar will never cease his lies – it’s a power trip, or a way to keep you guessing and therefore sticking around longer than you should. The dissonance of being their spouse while simultaneously realizing there is something truly wrong with this person keeps you stuck for a little while at least while you try to be the understanding and/or helpful chump that you are. I felt like I knew better and still stuck for a few months before being at my breaking point. I thought I could be understanding or a help to him while he went through…whatever it was he was trying to make me think he was going through. He lied though, and his lies were evident on paper records and by his actions (which never seemed to match his words regarding wanting to work it out/get better/[insert admirable goal here]). It’s like a light goes on when you realize that there is nothing to be worked out or won here. As CL points out, they are the enemy, as indicated by the fact that you do find yourself in the position of needing to “win” something from them. At least with some time and distance you will be able to look back at this bullshit and laugh. The lies are truly, truly horrible. I don’t think it’s an insult to your intelligence as much as it is an indication of theirs. Blech.
Can’t remember is the SAME EXCUSE alcoholics use, drug addicts use people with no memories on the witness stand for murder??? I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT. WHY?Because it works and we keep asking and asking trying to make a peach pie out of a puke of cow manure. My #2 Ex abs serial cheater told me I MADE HIM DO IT TO OTHER WOMAN because I didn’t accommodate his every urge so he was teaching me a lesson! He showed me his gun collection that was located under the bed, in his closet, in his dresser drawer, behind the bed. He could have shot me,,said he didn’t remembered and then believed I drove him to it. No contact 3 years. Cheaters never get better, they only get more stealth and wise to your buttons and know how to help you lose your mind. RUN
💯
Yep it went from just a hooker one time to a few weeks then I found out the alleged pregnancy and then hookers #2, 3,4,5 to infinity. It enraged FW narcopath that I didn’t just buy his lies and contradictory stories even though I was so abused and gaslighted I didn’t know which way was up.
Covert narc tried to twist it as I was not a loving or respectful wife by demanding answers! In between fake tears and fake suicide attempts (oh if only he’d actually succeeded!) and then finally DV to shut up this “disrespectful” wife.
I hate seeing advice columns and online articles that always spew BS to chumps like communicate with your spouse if you suspect cheating.
If you suspect, it’s already time to lawyer up and /or hire a PI.
To add a very long perspective on the cluster B personality disordered… They will never get better only worse. The only way to escape is out of the marriage and go NC.
Nearly 3 decades ago FW narcopath lied to me about a few things that I stupidly brushed off as immaturity, then about D day 1 (I’m still steaming mad at the incompetence of the counselors).
Decades ensued of mask wearing and taking things further underground because FW only got better at lying and stealing.
I am not exaggerating when I call him a narcissistic personality disordered sociopath.
I am in as limited contact as is feasible. My attorney tells me I need to be civil and respond to information requests.
Anyway, my FW asked me something he should have known and then said, “You know me with my terrible memory.”
It took every ounce of willpower I had not to respond, “Yes, must be hard to keep things straight when you are leading a DOUBLE LIFE!”
He has no idea what I have found out about the past and continue to find out about his present. I send it all to my attorney who says it may come in handy if, say, he wants to go to court.
I have a daydream that if he does, he will enter a room to be deposed only to be faced with enlargements of the screen shots I took of his multiple dating-app profiles among other things.
Just watching the GRINCH that stole Christmas while scrolling.my phone..looked up Dr Seuss and found out his First wife Helen, having been ill the last years …took her own life by overdose after realizing her husband DR SEUSS was having an affair.
She left a note saying she was a failure and mentioned the affair. Helen needed to lawyer up and take Dr Suesss bucks and let him go so she could live her last days surrounded by family WHO LOVED HER and at peace. Dr Seuss went on to marry AP quickly and lived into his 90s. Sometimes for Karma to hit, the chumps need to take their finances seriously rather than taking their lives. I just get infuriated when I read stories like this! Murderer walks free. Please none of us! Trust that they suck!! File!!
Mary Richardson Kennedy killed herself over the FW’s cheating https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2025/01/robert-f-kennedy-jr-richardson-divorce-polygamous-secret-recording-suicide-department-health-and-human-services-trump/
It’s sickening how the flying monkeys are dismissive of chronic cheating. It literally sometimes kills
Yes Archer!!Just saying….LEAVE and do not drink, obsess, yell on the phone, text obscenities, take drugs, sleeping pills, do not scream, yell, curse, email, text, try to make sense of, beg or in anyway try to rationalize with a cheater. Do not take your life for a cheater. GET ALL YOU CAN and go live your best life! THEY. ARE.NOT WORTH. YOUR. LIFE OR SANITY.LEAVE. thank you Tracy
Repeat: “Get OUT. Stop asking him questions and focus on immediate escape.”
He knows I’ve gone cold towards him and keeps trying to apologize in his dysfunctional, toxic ways. Last night, he was trying to apologize by saying he’d gone astray. Astray? I find the choice of words interesting, but other than that, I really don’t care anymore. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie or a manipulation. His words never match his actions either.
I appreciate all the insights (you have no idea how much).
I don’t think I’ll walk away from this dumpster fire. I’d better run.