He Says He Told Me Everything About His Cheating
He says he’s told her everything about his cheating. His Google history says otherwise. In fact, he was cruising dating profiles at their daughter’s birthday party.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
He thinks I should be wanting to have sex and not sleeping in the office because he’s told me everything there is to know about his cheating.
Here’s the highlights of what he said and it doesn’t make much sense.
(He’s a serial cheater, but he tells me he made a “mistake” one time.)
Him: I don’t lie to you. The one thing that I had to cover up I uncovered..
Me: You gave me three different versions
Him: Three different versions of what?
Me: Who you supposedly slept with that one time.
Him: Right, and that was the only time.
(His use of dating sites like match.com)
Him: All I did was what I had to do to just look for a minute and then get out of it. I never looked at it again.
Me: Actually you created your profile and looked at your matches. You had to find your lost password and everything so you could look at your matches and you had them regularly sent to your email.
Him: I never looked at the matches. I don’t know how you think that I did because I didn’t. Okay, I just got into it, slipped through it, looked at some of the gals, and then shut it. I don’t recall getting into it again. I just wanted to see what it was about.
(The best he had to say was about an hour later)
Him: I told you a while back that I would tell you anything you wanted to know, but what you got to remember is that my memory isn’t the best, and me telling you that I don’t remember something isn’t lying. I’m telling you what I remember and that you can probably help me with parts, and bits, and pieces of things.
You probably even talked me into shit that I didn’t even do or remember, and me saying that- like on that one thing, saying that I forgot the password, and get back in to check matches and shit, I honestly don’t remember doing that, at all, and maybe I did. I don’t know, but I honestly don’t recall doing any of that. If I did I would definitely tell you. You need to understand that. It’s not me — it’s not selective memory. It’s what I remember, honestly. Okay?
If you read this, thank you for your time. (Note: I am in the process of leaving and I don’t usually argue with him anymore because I mean what’s the point? 95% of the time I go into the office and shut the door on him.)
Morgan
P.S. The evidence I had about his dating site activity came straight from his Google Analytics history. The majority of it he did on our daughter’s birthday. (Of course he did. I’m busy managing the birthday party and he must have been feeling neglected.)
***
Dear Morgan,
Don’t stick your head in the mindfuck blender.
This is a contest of wills. His ability to bullshit is greater than your ability to withstand it. He’s not tethered to reality, so of course he has an answer for everything. It doesn’t have to make sense or be true. Call him out, cross-reference his lies, wire his dick to a polygraph machine — the result is the same. More bullshit.
The only winning move here is to walk away and go no contact. Let your lawyer enforce the consequences. You know enough. This relationship is not acceptable. Game over.
Confronting cheaters does not work.
Reality TV shows to the contrary, they don’t cop to their crimes or break down with confessions. No, what usually happens (based on a bazillion stories here and common sense if you realize this person doesn’t care about you) is the cheater doubles down on the manipulation. Cheating is an abusive POWER DYNAMIC. Truth-telling is power sharing and there’s absolutely nothing in that for them.
When you demand answers, like HEY WHAT WERE YOU DOING LOOKING AT DATING PROFILES AT OUR DAUGHTER’S BIRTHDAY PARTY? it’s kibbles to him. It’s centrality. You NEED him for something which he can deny you. That’s winning.
It only makes sense if you realize this person is your enemy. Yes, winning. His entitlement is at stake here and you’re questioning it. So he’ll do anything to weaken and destroy you. Exhaust you with circular arguments. Spin you up. Blame you. Send you on wild goose chases of conjecture.
Bald-faced lying works for him.
So long as you’re desperate for answers and looking to him, you’re still dependent and of use. The corollary is that your autonomy will enrage him. I’m glad to read you’re leaving, but please understand you’re dealing with a deeply deceptive person, so be very careful. Guys like this are dangerous. Here’s the part of your letter that gives me chills.
You probably even talked me into shit that I didn’t even do or remember, and me saying that – like on that one thing, saying that I forgot the password, and get back in to check matches and shit, I honestly don’t remember doing that, at all, and maybe I did.
This is some blunt-force gaslighting. Oh really, YOU made him create dating profiles? YOU put the idea in head? Which is really such an empty head because so many things fall out of it. He can’t remember! It’d be funny if it wasn’t so menacing.
This guy sounds scary. You have to be a disturbed character to be a serial cheater. But he’s also degrading you at significant family events, like a child’s birthday party. And then saying you did this to yourself. He’s a sicko.
You might think I’m being alarmist, but I wouldn’t wait to be buried in an oil drum (“She put herself in there, Officer!”) Don’t be the next Netflix special. Get OUT. Stop asking him questions and focus on immediate escape. We’re here for you.
Morgan,
You are doing the right thing by walking away. As CL says, this is the winning move. The sooner that you realise that Cheaters lie and gaslight as easily as they breathe the better.
Please don’t ever fall into the trap of believing a words that he says or trusting him and, additionally, don’t get hung up on waiting for an admission of wrong doing and the making of amends to get some form of closure for yourself ….. because either he isn’t strong enough to do it, or he will deliberately withhold it as a means of controlling/punishing you.
And isn’t it funny how a Cheater’s memory consistently fails them when they get caught out on a previous lie. Maybe your husband should get that checked out.
LFTT
An oldie but a goodie:
“In lying, one is identifying the other as one’s opponent, even one’s enemy. In marriage intimacy is developed through confessions, explanations, and soul searchings. But of course intimacy involves equality, and people who are telling lies are not seeking any aspect of intimacy, especially equality. Liars are hoping for advantage, which will be produced by disorienting and distracting the other person. The liar is stepping outside the relationship. The lie may be a greater betrayal of the relationship than the misdeed being lied about. It takes very little misinformation to disorient and destroy a relationship. I often point out to people that if I gave them detailed instructions on how to go from Atlanta to New York City, and threw in only one left turn that was a lie, they would end up in Oklahoma.”
-Dr. Frank Pittman
Private Lies
(p. 59)
Was he blackout drunk? Does he have Alzheimer’s or dementia or some other neurological condition which qualifies him to be admitted to a memory-care facility?
The deflection weapon of choice for a cornered liar is to claim they don’t remember.
It’s ok. Because all I need to remember is that, as with any other type of con artist or criminal, I can’t ever believe anything a cheater or a side piece says unless it can be independently verified.
And remember that I can’t be in a relationship with someone who lies. About anything.
If he said the sky was blue, I’d have to check.
“Leave at the first lie” is my post DDay standard.
❤️
My brilliant hard working ex only has memory issues when he is asked about the depth and breadth of his cheating. It is the universal cheater affliction.
My exFW apparently decided to write his lies down . He had a big spreadsheet where he was trying to track what he told to whom. Of course he saved it to the shared drive and it made for even more evidence for my attorney.
They will always lie! I don’t like liars and I keep them out of my circle. You do not have to have a good memory if you tell the truth. FWs do not understand that concept.
“I never looked at the matches. I don’t know how you think that … Okay, I … looked at some of the gals …”
It’s on par with how a seven-year-old lies. “I didn’t do it, but I did, kinda.”
Morgan should leave him just for using the term “gals”.
I dont blame any Chump for asking questions at first…we have so many unknowns and we have huge decisions to make; of course we ask questions.
It took me a while (way too long) to realize that in my situation, asking questions of my then-husband was like loading a gun and handing it to him; an attack on me was his default to any questions. He also never promised as yours did that he was willing to answer questions. (He didnt seem to get-off on lying as much as I have discerned others do)
The fact that your cheater presented himself as a person who WOULD answer your questions and then shovel shit with both arms is an indicator of serious dysfunction. He is actually lying about lying.
So again, I throw no shade on any newbie who asks questions …but please learn from the scores of us who asked and asked and asked only to be insulted, blamed, and gaslit. Any actual unicorn genuinely interested in truth and healing would not be acting like this. I cant remember anyone here telling us that they got actual, helpful answers.
Please know that everything does downhill from here and CL is right that we’re doing well if we dont and up a crime victim.
I got a LOT of cruel crap from my Cheater when I asked a lot of questions early on and he gave me almost no info at all while he abused me more and denied shitty things he had done. After he died, I found more clues which pointed to his entire cheater history being much worse than I had any idea of. Some describe this as the truth we all get as the tip of the iceberg.
Run like Hell and expect him to criticize you for doing so.
My FW also hid behind trickle truth and poor memory. My role of clarifier and reminder seemed familiar.
But his ACTIONS were planned and ongoing. He had a co-conspirator. He jeopardized our marriage and my well-being for months. Maybe for years.
Line up your ducks. Quietly.
Morgan,
Good job on 95% of the time. I can’t wait to hear about when it gets to 100%!
What gets stuck in my craw about things like this is that the Google Analytics, the dating site profile (on his kid’s birthday no less…yeowtch!)..that’s the stuff that you have a smoking gun on. And he still denied it when the evidence was put in front of him.
Gods only know what else he has gotten up to. Why is “I think he probably did some other stuff and that stopped working so he (sloppily) made a dating profile” such a red-hot knife in my brain when I read this?
I do agree with him one count-you should be sleeping in the master bedroom.
After you kick him out.
It’s just another flavor of the old Fuckwit move, “so let’s all just get really cool with this because I admitted to my wrongdoing…and pay absolutely no attention to the man behind the curtain.” The heavily sanitized version of what went wrong and he can’t even keep his own story straight.
We are here for you!
And a Mighty Monday to the rest of you!
The mind floggery is strong in this one.
I had to chose to step off Cheaty McLiarface’s ride. But while I was firmly buckled in I had a lot of questions. I had to wade through his deflection, equating, and minimizing to pick up the pieces of reality so that I could stitch my true history back together. Regaining my agency was part of reclaiming my power.
When I found out that SparkleDick had a Schmoopie, I didn’t ask any questions. Everything just fell into place as to why he was such a dickhead our entire marriage. No need to spackle any longer.
I didn’t want to know because if I knew exactly what he’d done it was going to be far worse than I could ever imagine. To this day, I have no need to know. Because it’s gonna be vile. Like, really, really, REALLY vile.
I was also chilled by this bit: “You probably even talked me into shit that I didn’t even do.”
Read: “I’m a psychologically battered man, yer honor! She harangued me with accusations until I became confused! The consequences of disagreeing with her were so terrifying to me that I was spellbound into confessing!”
I think he’s partly demonstrating to you the crap he’s going to tell other people if you dare follow through on the divorce. In other words, this line of bs is likely to be part of his smear campaign in the post-separation abuse stage and/or part of his strategy to deny you a decent settlement or weaponize the courts to threaten your custody.
If you’re forced to interact with him in person or by phone in the future and happen to live in a “one party consent” state for recording conversations over the phone or in real life, it might be a bit of protection to have some of these exchanges on tape just to demonstrate to others that any bs he attempts to spin about you being a crazy aggressor are empty.
But that’s only if you’re somehow forced to talk to him, otherwise CL and others are right that going as NC as possible is the safest thing to do because this guy is criminally disordered.
I don’t mean that he’s necessarily broken the law (yet) but the “confabulation” and “reversing victim and offender” are textbook marks of serious personality disorder (Wikipedia has an okay article on “splitting” in psychology which describes how they may fabricate lies about victims and then believe their own lies). So is the “spoilerism” or “desecrationism” he engaged in by being creepy on your daughter’s birthday (and worse, he may be incestuous/pedophilic since he was “desecrating” a child’s milestone event).
Because this stuff is all over the web these days, you’re probably aware that personality disorders are not the same as “mental illness” since actually mentally ill people don’t have the wherewithal to manipulate others or evade consequences the way “Cluster B” types do. The latter skill set is more akin to criminal mentality.
In short, he’s showing that he shares several key traits with domestic batterers and serial killers so taking any and all safety measures just on principle might be wise.
Wishing you safety and strength.
The sicker the FW is, the more they gaslight, lie, deceive, deflect, project, make excuses, rationalize, blame shift, etc. That’s just my opinion. But FW#2 for me was way sicker and did way more of that shit after D-Day than the first one. I bet if I asked him today (and no way I’m gonna do that or talk to him) he would still give me the bullshit lines of “I don’t remember” and “I was going through something” and “I blamed you for me losing my job, I wasn’t in reality”…blah, blah, blah.
Disordered people suck, that’s a given, but some of them are dangerous, like mine (#2) who almost strangled me to death over his phone. Mine also said things like Morgan’s did (blaming me, trying to say I did things to “trap” him, etc.) and it’s scary. You never truly know what a person is capable of until they show you. This dude is showing his true self and it is ugly and worrisome!
Tracy is giving sage advice, as always. Get out asap (stay with family or friends if need be) and get away from him. Cut the umbilical cord, as they say.