Rituals for New Lives?

Today’s Friday challenge comes from ChumpAsItIs. She writes:

My story is the same as many others, more than 20 years of marriage, ex-husband stepped away, did not know whether he wanted to stay with me, said he loved me but needed some time to think, you know, the usual tale. He was able to make me unknowingly dance for 2 years, when I found out that he was having a 4 years affair with one of my best friends and then after D-day I got divorced in 3 months.

I was thinking that, as for other bereavement (and the term really applies because there was more than one death in this process), closure can be reached through a ritual. I have been feeling the urge to bury or burn something physical to symbolize that it is all definitely in the past, in the other life. I was wondering if you or the other in CN have done something similar, maybe that could be a Friday challenge?

Consider it done!

When I left the cheater, the only ritual I can think of was raising a drink in a local bar, by myself — within hours of having moved out on him. But it retrospect, perhaps I should’ve done some sort of voodoo, protective spell to keep him from hoovering. Or washed oxblood on my door or something. Hmm.

I’m all for rituals and getting rid of bad mojo and welcoming NEW mojo — what’s Chump Nation been up to?

TGIF!

(And if you’re burning anything, be careful. Remember Smoky Bear — only YOU can prevent forest fires!)

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Bluecat
Bluecat
6 years ago

I bought myself an nice ring – one I had always wanted but couldn’t have. It wasn’t expensive, but he was too busy spending our money on fancy toys, whores and a dominatrix. The ring reminds me that I am worth better than he treated me and to never allow anyone to take my agency away again.

HAPPY
HAPPY
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

Because of everyone’s great idea of getting a new ring to wear, I just ordered a beautiful sterling silver ring (my preference to the gold wedding and engagement bands he picked) It’s got heart-shaped amethyst and garnet stones on it (my birthstone and my daughters) I cannot wait to get it in a few days and wear it!!!!
Thanks Chumps!

Waffles
Waffles
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

Felt naked not wearing wedding band. 6 months after leaving JAMF, had a replacement band made. Dye cut, said careful. Got caught on everything, wore it for 2 years until it finally fell apart.

99problemsbutacheateraint1ofthem
99problemsbutacheateraint1ofthem
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

Me too! I call it my ‘freedom’ ring. It’s made up of beautiful blue semi-precious stones that make me feel calm, safe and suppported. And stylish!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

I haven’t found the “right” ring for me, yet.

My engagement ring from the Evil One had been sold for scrap metal a few years before when TEoW was yet again unemployed and we needed food.

The “family heirloom” wedding band that was allegedly his great-grandmother, with him who knows if that was/is true, disappeared from my jewelry box months before DDay.

Those were the only two wedding rings I ever had from him.

He, on the other hand, frequently bought himself rings. Within months, he would find another “cool” ring. There was never any money for me to have a snazzy ring on his level

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

I also bought myself a ring… actually two rings! Both inexpensive sterling silver. One says “Love Life” on the outer band and “Stay Strong” on the inside of the band. I don’t wear that one any longer, because I’ve gained weight and it’s too tight on my finger now, but I wear the second ring, which has the saying, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one step” in tiny script weaving around the band.

And I got a tattoo on my ankle of a beautiful and colorful koi fish. Lots of people think a koi tattoo symbolizes luck, but it actually symbolizes struggling against and overcoming adversity. That was actually my second tattoo. I foolishly reconciled with the cheater shortly after getting the koi tattoo, and he found it embarrassing and ‘low class” that I had ankle tattoos. By contrast, my new hubby recently went with me while I got my third tattoo — this one is on my wrist and shows birds taking flight with the words, “Don’t be afraid” underneath, and new hubby got a beautiful tattoo of his own on his bicep.

A few small rituals I followed during the early days of separation from cheater:
Bought myself an inexpensive bouquet of flowers each week
Went to DivorceCare each week
Went to as many MeetUp groups as I could

One thing I did right after Dday which I highly DO NOT RECOMMEND was getting a big student loan and going back to school at one of those scam vocational schools. There’s a reason people are often cautioned not to make really big decisions right after a major life trauma, and I’m proof of that. Around halfway through, I realized I’d made a huge mistake and the career I was training for was totally not for me. I developed tremendous anxiety, ended up dropping out of the program, and am still paying off the student loan.

ChumpedTwice
ChumpedTwice
6 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

After D-Day #2 (July 2 of this year), when I took off my wedding rings, I started thinking of how I’ve been asking for a mother’s ring for years. Well, since I can’t afford it myself, I did mention to my girls that this is the one and only Christmas gift I want. And I can’t wait to get it!

But I do have a question…at first, I was going to wear it where I’ve worn my wedding band for the past almost 20 years. Then I started wondering if I should or not. The symbolism of wearing it on my left ring finger would have been a dedication to my children, and being the best mom I can be. But then I started thinking of down the road, and how I will maybe want to meet someone, though quite frankly the idea of dating is TERRIFYING!!

Maybe I’ll start of with it on my left hand, and can always move it to a different finger when I’m ready to “go fishing.”

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

Ha. The best I could come up with was that while he was spending money on dinner and theater tickets I was hoarding maple syrup and expensive olive oil. I also bought some Fandango gift cards so the kids and I could go have some fun of our own after finances were separated.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

You have good taste, Chumpinrecovery. I hope every time you enjoy either of those two things you remember that you deserved so much better!

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

I did the same.

When I removed my wedding ring, (he had taken his off years before because he was “worried his finger would get hurt while working on the car…” and stupid me believed him!), I felt–NAKED.

Over two decades of wearing a ring and I felt so vulnerable without it. It also had the effect of keeping unwanted male attention at a distance.

So I designed my own, with my birthstone, by a local artisan. It was beautiful and I loved it!
However, by the time I’d gotten it, I’d lost so much weight on the “infidelity diet” that it was falling off my ring finger.

I moved it to the middle finger of my other hand, which somehow seems just as appropriate! 🙂

Now I wear a new ring on my wedding ring finger which symbolizes my love for and commitment to my new man. It all feels just right.

Oh. And I DID rip apart all the more stylish, flattering clothes I got for GUBU after his complaints that he was looking “old”—that he ultimately used to woo his Schmoopie. I turned them into cleaning rags.

Cleaned his mess right up! That was cathartic.

lostntx
lostntx
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

Didn’t get a ring but I did buy a motorcycle. Riding it gave me a true sense of freedom. Never even considered one before, but after the split I gave it a whirl. BTW if any new chump thinks they want one, they are very dangerous. Mine experience had a bad ending but I had an awesome time until then!

marriagedetective
marriagedetective
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

This is a great idea. My wedding ring symbolized so many awful things – the fact that he never even asked me to marry him, though he had this amazing event planned in his head for the person that he decided to marry. But I was never special enough for that. I remember when we went ring shopping and he was unwilling to purchase anything that cost more than $300. So I found a non traditional ring that I liked and went with it. His ring cost more than mine did, which seemed to be a theme for our marriage. He wore his ring most of the time, even on his dates with MOW.

Once he packed his shit and moved out and I had moved in with my parents, I took my ring and threw it in a lake. It felt damn good to huck that thing into an abyss. It was a ritual of sorts. The name of the lake/pond that I threw it in is “Kid’s Pond” which seemed totally apropos as our marriage just seemed like child’s play. He was the biggest man baby. Wouldn’t mind if he threw himself in that lake. Just sayin.

FSTL
FSTL
6 years ago

I was going to turf mine in the lake at the family holiday home she forced me to go to each year…. but I just left it and wedding present with a note saying the kids can have it one day. Basically… it (ie the representation of our sham marriage) means nothing but hopefully our kids will find a use one day.

Total indifference hurts a narcissist more than rage…. she brought it up in divorce proceedings in one of her incoherent rants. She was so mad should couldn’t even say what her point was.

In addition to some new rituals (like breakfast with my kids on each Sunday morning without having to walk on egg shells), I just kept up the old ones …. but I just enjoyed them a lot more without her. I also went to places we used to go to – this bit felt weird at first, but they were my places and I didn’t want to give them up because of the taint caused by a self centred fuckwit – now I feel great going to bars/restaurants/cities/hotels/etc where I had been with her. I just enjoy them a lot more without her.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

Chucked into the abyss. I like that phrase. I didn’t feel the need to get rid of my ring, since I bought it and it was attached to a diamond ring that I inherited from a beloved older person in my life. The fact that cheater never got me a ring, and stopped wearing the one I got him, should have been a wake up call years earlier. He “lost” three rings, and the final one he stopped wearing because it got in the way of his work. Yah, right.

I took our wedding album and one by one, removed every single photo and cut him out of them. Then I stabbed each of his photos with a sharp scissor multiple times before cutting them in pieces. It was a very healing exercise. I don’t give a rip about that fake 31-year history. My grown and married kids have their own photos and don’t need mine. If they want to see or inherit any of my wedding day photos, well there I am, and all the lovely guests.

I don’t think there is anything left in my life that is cheater’s or reminds me of cheater, but if I ever find something, I’m having a ???? bonfire.

Life is so much better without a cheater.

FMT
FMT
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

Ditto to the rings! I ponied up the dough for a nice set of rings with a beautiful rose quartz stone. At the time I bought it, it really was an extravagance, but every time I look down at it I remember the strength it took to walk away from a toxic relationship and the promise of a better future. What a pleasure it’s been to watch that better future unfold every single day over the last 4 years! And, as Chumpfor21 says above, it also doubles as “pest repellent.”

Highly recommended, even (and maybe especially) for chumps who think they can’t afford it. The symbolic investment in self pays the most incredible dividends. 🙂

Chumpfor21
Chumpfor21
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

Me too! Never got a real engagement ring – my wedding ring was laughable. I’m not materialistic – I thought the real treasure was his love. Years rolled on and I never got a real ring. Now, I made a lot of money – no reason that shouldn’t have happened over 20 years. Plenty of money for what he wanted though. Jeep shit. Wood whittling tools that were never used.

Bought myself a beautiful ring with a pink stone to give to my granddaughter when she is older. It reminds me of what I am worth. And it is similar enough to a wedding ring that it can be used as pest repellent. Even better.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpfor21

Pest repellent… Good idea. And to remind me of my worth. Even better.

Crazy lady
Crazy lady
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Wow! Thought I was original with the ring idea. Took my wedding ring off when I found out he was cheating and brought several silver rings because I felt naked after wearing a wedding ring for 38 years. I love emeralds and am now looking for the right ring that says “buy me”. I didn’t realize so many chumps felt the same way I do. Thanks!!!

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpfor21

Pest repellent- been wearing one too when I have to go to trade shows, work events or networking. People still look at your left hand a lot of times. ????

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpfor21

Common theme, I also bought a ring- a ruby which goes along with proverbs a good wig has a value above rubies, it is coincidently my daughter’s birthstone. I had it flanked with 3 small diamonds on either side to represent each of my 5 children and one miscarried child- (the good that came from this horrible marriage)

I heard early after dday that people have parties to burn their wedding albums upon divorce. I am considering that. Also wonder about ideas for disposing of the dress.

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I donated my wedding dress to a charity. I dropped in a couple of hours later to drop off some more clothes and it was already gone. Hope someone else has a happier outcome with it. I felt naked without my wedding and engagement rings on and so bought rings and now wear 5 rings – I love rings! When I look at them I can’t help but smile. They symbolize my new life as well.

13 Years a Chump
13 Years a Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumpfor21

Pest repellent. Ha! Exactly why I wear my new symbolic ring on my left hand.

matt
matt
6 years ago

Won’t it just repel decent men whereas shitbag “pests” will be indifferent to it?

JBaby
JBaby
6 years ago
Reply to  matt

Good point, Matt.

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago
Reply to  Bluecat

I did this too! It took a year to save up but I aggressively wanted a real and lasting symbol that my self worth was not attached to him. And that I could floss my own bling!

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

I bought myself a ring too, one that I really liked although it’s not that expensive. I put it on layaway until it was paid for and now I wear it all the time.

I’ve always loved rings and while married I almost never took my wedding ring off. That’s why it hurt that my husband stopped wearing his. He told me that he didn’t want to get it caught while working outside, but I noticed he didn’t wear it to work either. Then I noticed that he wore his other rings, but never his wedding band.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

My cheater “lost” his wedding band. I was so innocent I did not notice because I never had suspicions. He called my attention to it, said he had been “twirling” it on his desk at work and must have forgotten it. Twirling….

Vastra
Vastra
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

This seems to be a common red flag (in retrospect). Mine also repeatedly “lost” his and gave up on wearing in. As much as I would have liked to not care, it stung to see him sporting a big wedding ring for OW/wife #2 which he never takes off – though no doubt after the rot sets in, he may need to “lose” this one too.

WhatAChump2015
WhatAChump2015
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Wow! I had completely forgotten finding Haggar the Whoreable’s ring in the ash tray of his car. He had some lame excuse that I bought at the time. Now I know so much the better. Also, the last time I found it in the washing machine (obviously in his pants pocket) and never gave it back to him. I still have it. Oh, what to do with it…..

Now the ring he got me years in (I sold it and paid off my car as he left me with all the bills) and given with a multi-page explanation of what it meant and a vase for flowers…..well I copied the letter and put it in the box of his crap that went to the storage locker so he could have the utter bullcrap and the vase he didn’t take it from the locker (although how it was stacked with other items I am sure he thought he could come back for, I’m sure he was planning on taking his “masterpiece” and giving it to Ankles), well, I put it away for awhile (he made it) and then one day I was up in the storage area and came across it. This was in the top of the garage. Picked it up, looked at the cement floor and let it go. Just like our lives, shattered into a million pieces. And like what he left behind to clean up, I went down, swept it up and placed in the garbage.

Symbolic and it felt great.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  WhatAChump2015

I am doing the same things you are WAC2015

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Nowdeadcheater always acted like his ring was kryptonite. Early in ourmarriage, he was deployed to Japan for 6 months and I found it in the ashtray and I didnt get mad, I dismissed any concerns with spackle.

At the end of his life, he bought himself a wedding band that he wore the last couple of years although he refused to have it blessed or to renew our vows as promised. He was buried with the ring on.

geekmom
geekmom
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Mine told people he didn’t like wearing his ring because it “cut off his circulation.” Hahahafuckyou.

When he left, he left it in the exact geographical center of his otherwise barren nightstand.

It would have hurt more, had this been his original ring. This was a replacement I bought for him ten or so years ago after his original ring had been “stolen out of his suitcase” while he was on a business trip. He had no answer as to why he hadn’t been wearing it, and the excuse for its loss smelled funny to me at the time but I made the Chump Fatal Mistake of trusting my long-time spouse. **facepalm**

Anyway, I sold his and my rings for scrap and financed a week in coastal California on the proceeds!

Risingchump
Risingchump
6 years ago
Reply to  geekmom

I like this idea, going to start looking for a ” new me ” ring …

What finger do you wear it though, I feel so naked without my wedding and engagement rings but feel I need to do this … xxx

MovingOnChump
MovingOnChump
6 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

My STBXH never took his ring off, but his dick pics included his left hand with ring on!!

NC
NC
6 years ago

Symbolic for me was wearing the same tie that I had got married in, to the religious divorce court session. I stumbled through that process. I cried afterwards, and threw the tie in the bin. 16 years of marriage done and dusted in a hour long meeting.

That Is Not A Thing
That Is Not A Thing
6 years ago
Reply to  NC

OMG. This right here. The grief and devastation. A relationship done and dusted. I’m so sorry. What does it say that this story can make strangers on the internet cry at their desks, but the unfaithful spouse is quite happy to inflict this suffering?

WAC2015
WAC2015
6 years ago

I remember going to the ceramic paint-it-yourself store. It was a week past D-day and I was a wreck. I received a call from Haggar the Whoreable’s parents checking in on me and asking if I wanted to meet them for lunch (I had a box of important papers, family heirloom jewelry, passport, etc. etc. that I didn’t want to just put in the storage locker – it wasn’t important enough to him to take to the slutshack) and I was in no condition to meet them. I sat there and just started to cry and the owner came over and asked me if I was okay and I verbally vomited and she was so kind (HTW and I had been in many times with or without the kids). She bundled up my outstanding projects and told me to come back whenever I could and that HTW was no longer welcome should he show back up. The kindness of strangers, who would have thought.

Newchump89
Newchump89
6 years ago
Reply to  NC

This made me feel so very sad… Omg I’m at my OBGYN appointment and reading this I just started crying. Like ugly cry… I’m so embarrassed people are looking at me lol.

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

“Omg I’m at my OBGYN appointment and reading this I just started crying.”

Omg….now you got me crying!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

Hugs, Newchump89. It gets better, so much better.

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

It’s okay, Sweetie. Go ahead and ugly cry wherever and whenever you need to. You will be amazed at how many wonderful, caring strangers offer you support at those times, and it can change your whole outlook on life. I snotted all over some mall kiosk guy in the early days, but he was so sweet and kind that I left knowing I would be okay.

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

Let them look the nosey bastards..my stbx did buy me a ring to replace my original one that got broken at work 12 years ago…he ordered it from Walmart for brace yourselves…13.00 bucks. Yep..he spent more money getting tape put around the handlebars of his 3,000.00$ bicycles..cheap prick.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

Wow, just reminded me of him buying me a multicolored stone ring that said I love you in the band. Size 15. I’m a size 8 or 9

Then he got.pissed because I took it to Walmart to see about exchanging it and he realized I found out how much he spent on it- 5.99. online clearance, size 15 was the only size they had.

He then got pissed that I was upset at how big it was, so he told me to wrap rope around it.

I can’t even

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

NC, I’m sorry you had to go through that. Reading about your tie made my own broken heart ache.
NewChump89, I’m sitting in a coffee shop and fighting the tears myself. 🙂 Yesterday, I paused to cover my face as I ugly-cried at the grocery store. You’re in good company. 🙂 Let it all out, man.

— HeChump

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Raising my cup of joe to toast you, HeChump. Coffee shops are great therapy Keep hanging in there, it gets better. The ripped-out heart feeling passes, and the coffee routine soothes. Every time you get to the bottom of your cup, say under your breath, “I am worth so much more.”

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

The ugly cries are cleansing! I haven’t had one in a while, which gives me faith that I am moving in the right direction. My tears were for the loss of my IDEAS about what our marriage was moreso than the reality, but it was a painful death nonetheless. I truly thought if him as the love of my life – called him as much often & to others. Also thought he was my best friend. The double loss brought those tears. My brain caught up & has surpassed my heart in knowing that a life love and friend would NEVER do to me what he had. I haven’t found that person yet. But in the meantime I will be both to myself. Thanks to the support hete in CN! Hang in there, friends, it DOES get better!

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

Newchump, so sorry that you got triggered. It happens pretty often in the beginning but gets easier as time goes by. Much love to you!

chumpychump
chumpychump
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

oh dear, you’ll be fine. Just take a deep breath. Everybody cries sometimes. No need to feel ashamed.

Newchump89
Newchump89
6 years ago
Reply to  Newchump89

that comment was to NC by the way

Capricorn
Capricorn
6 years ago
Reply to  NC

NC
That’s so sad.
For me I have a favourite skirt that has now lasted longer than the marriage. I’m fairly ashamed to admit that that makes the skirt 25 years old but hey it still fits and looks good and I love it. So every time I wear it I think about that. When people comment on it I tell them about it lasting longer than my marriage. It gets me some weird looks and extra personal space but makes me smile. I do love the skirt. Now I’m glad it lasted and he didn’t.
I am also saving up to buy myself a ring. I had my original rings cut off as I tried them on too soon after the birth of my second ????????‍♀️ Ex talked about buying me more for the next 16 years but never did. So I look forward to the day when I can buy my own. As they say, I’ve found the one and it’s me. ???? I’ll put a ring on it. ❤️

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I have a favorite skirt, too… I’m about to fit into it again! And that it’s outlasted my almost 30 years in this mess just amazes me. Thanks for the memory. There’s WAAAAY more about me that predates the STBX that I am uncovering every day; I’ve missed her and am excited about THIS relationship! I tell myself – and my braintrust – I WILL NEVER CHEAT ON ME! What comfort that provides.
Found myself looking at a guy I’ve found attractive in the past today at church, then nearly slapped myself – it’s way too soon and if I’m attracted, there’s a good chance he’s not healthy! I still have picker fixing to do. This was an example of me being true to me. I’m hoping there will be a safe, honest relationship in my future, but it’s too soon and I care for me more than I’ve ever known how to in the past. Thanks to CL & CN, I am walking into a new life one step at a time. Thank you all!

StaryEye
StaryEye
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I keep running into objects that have outlasted my marriage. Finished off the shampoo that outlasted him. Didn’t know when I bought it that it would be around longer than H.

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

Same here.
For the wedding, I went to Dollar General and found a skirt I fell in love with — earthly tones, Paisley print, and a nice cream colored top to match.

To this day, I still have the skirt. The zipper needs to be fixed, but I still have it.

Lasted longer than the marriage, hahahahhahaaaa, so true!

moominmamma
moominmamma
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

I have a skirt like that! I can’t do up the top button now but otherwise it fits.I had never thought of it, but yes it has been more reliable than my XH.
I can feel a quilt coming on…

OneDaySomeDay
OneDaySomeDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Capricorn

As they say, I’ve found the one and it’s me. ???? I’ll put a ring on it. ❤️

I love it! Thanks for that one!

MidlifeBlast
MidlifeBlast
6 years ago

Have a cocktail then give the social media a good cleanse, delete delete, block block.

Have another cocktail, put al their shit in bin bags. Put it on eBay, start a “spa fund” from the proceeds

One more drink, look at your contacts and re-connect with old friends, go on meet up and maybe make some new ones. Fill up your diary. (Don’t actually ring anyone drunk, not recommended)

*Clink* Here’s to your new life!! Ready for bed now, new start tomorrow.

Lioness
Lioness
6 years ago

It’s only a week since we are actually living apart. All I want to do now is clean the house, every inch of it.
I feel the need to get rid of every part of him. How can we really do that after 30 yrs of marriage?

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Easy bin it, burn it or box it if he asked for it and put it out on your front porch for him to collect by a precise date. If he doesn’t come and get it bin it or burn it if it’s burnable. My solution to all my X’s crap he left me to deal with. Burning their stuff is soooo carthetic. Or throwing their wedding ring into the Pacific Ocean under a full moon cursing them, while watching the lava flow off the big island while on the Hawaii cruise that was meant to be celebrating douchegags birthday with my Mum. Awesome ????

bepositive
bepositive
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Lioness, Go for it!
I put all of my exes stuff in a pile and told him if he wanted it, he should take it now. I also had it written into the divorce papers that he got certain specific items and they had to be out of the house by a certain time, anything left was mine to do with as I wished. Goodwill and some local charity thrift shops received bags and boxes of his garbage. I occasionally find something of his in the attic or basement depending on my mood I’ll have our adult kids take it to him or I’ll throw it out (I found photos of his deceased father, I would never be cruel enough to toss those) or burn – I love burning his stuff! He is currently asking (our daughter, he won’t come to me) for an item that I intentionally left out of his pile. It is a musical instrument that my father went to great lengths to get for him. He never appreciated the effort while he had it so he isn’t getting it now. Next I’ll smudge/cleanse/purify my home with lavender and sage followed by painting the whole interior. After that, it goes on the market and the profits are all mine.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Hard, Lioness, it’s hard. Lot’s of physical and emotional work, but I, at least, felt better doing the job. I am doing the same as MehMehMeh, making some cash as well.

MehMehMeh
MehMehMeh
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

You do this bit by bit. One I had that “ah ha” moment that my shitbag ex wasn’t coming back and I filed for divorce, I had such a burning desire to clean out everything he touched, owned, or left behind (nearly all of his worldly possessions, all he left with was his clothes).

So the day I filed the divorce and figured out how much I’d have to pay my attorney, I sold wood working tools he owned–that brought me several hundred. Then bit by bit, I got rid of his other crap–sold, threw out, gave away, whatever. I even held a party with a few friends to take saws-alls and other instruments of destruction to our bed. (I bought a new one with a new mattress and box springs). I eventually moved out of the house, got into a smaller place of my own when my youngest two left for college or live with roommates.

It’s a purge system I went through. I had an obsessive need to purge as much of his physical life out of my as possible.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Lioness, I completely understand how you feel. Considering the length of your marriage, you’ve probably accumulated a lot of joint possessions. I respect your need to “get rid of every part of him” but embrace the fact that it will likely take some time. Be patient with yourself and trust the process – it will get you to where are you need to be.

We were together for 40 years, and the cleansing is still going on. Sure, I got rid of all of his personal items right away (his side of the closet, winter coat in the hall closet, items in the medicine cabinet and bedroom dresser drawers)… all of it got put in a pile in the garage and he came to pick it up.

But then came the inventory process for the official separation agreement. That required my going through every single thing we’d had in our large family home (when the house was sold, it all ended up in 2 big storage units). Open a box, remove the contents, separate things into small groups, take a photo, put everything back, move to the next box. All the photos were emailed to him through our attorneys, and he had the chance to request certain items. I gladly gave him everything he asked for as there was no good reason to keep them (i.e. his high school yearbooks, many jars of screws/bolts/nuts from the garage, a picture of his late father). I also packed up most of the gifts he’d given me (I kept the diamonds!) and for good measure, threw in every photo I could find of the two of us together (i.e. dating in college, our engagement, on vacations, 30-year vow renewal). He hired a moving company to take it who knows where. When I moved into my new house, the rest of our items were put in my basement and I started the process of re-opening each box and deciding what I wanted to keep. So far, I’ve donated over 20 boxes of books to the local library, and have given at least 7-8 vanloads of stuff to various charities. I’ve found this experience to be emotionally draining and sometimes, I can only get through a box or two before having to quit. It’s now been 3 years and I’m still working on “the purge” as time allows. Thankfully, I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel and am determined to finish by year’s end.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

RedSandals, my cheater did not ask for a single photo of his children or of his side of the family (I was the repository, my MIL entrusted all her photos, I was the only one who cared about these memories).

I kept my children’s photos, sent his family’s photos to him together with his boxers and a sweater the cats had peed on in the dirtiest duffle bag I could find.

I am selling all of the two pieces of jewelry from him (a watch and my MIL’s gold chain). I know that schmoopie got a nice ring from him. I will by my own with the $.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

ClearWaters – “…and a sweater the cats had peed on in the dirtiest duffle bag I could find.” LOLOLOL!! That’s awesome. And these douchebag cheating bitches deserve NO less.

Thanks for the laugh! ????

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago

“Omg I’m at my OBGYN appointment and reading this I just started crying.”

Omg….now you got me crying!

Dave K
Dave K
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

I have done the same thing with my wifes stuff and also found it emotionally draining and only could do it for a half an hour to an hour at a time. Brings up many memories and makes you wonder how she could shit all over me, her son and her family like that, I have her stuff in boxes in the basement. She also is probably going to have someone else pick it up. Because she is to chick shit to face me and her son.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  Dave K

My ex (divorced in November) started off with a three page list of the things that he wanted from the house. After stringing me along for nine months, I sent a thirty day “drop dead” letter to remove items or they are deemed abandoned. Well, the chickenshit did not respond. I guess he could not face me (as he has never admitted to what he has done) and also, the humiliation would have been too much for him to handle. Now, he has nothing from the first sixty years of his life!

chumpsrushin
chumpsrushin
6 years ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Thank you for comments, reminded me that dismantling a long marriage takes time . I have people starting to tell me how exciting to move on and start over with new things. I am sorting through 32 years of a life where I didn’t know what I didn’t know . It’s emotionally exhausting , some days I open a box , start crying, close box up and just go sit outside. Other days I can sort , save and throw away . But I make sure I follow my new ritual of writing 5 thankful things every day.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpsrushin

chumpsrushin, I know how you feel. I was with my husband 36 years and it’s not easy to sort through a life time of memories. I’ve still got boxes of pictures that I planned to go through in my closets but can’t bring myself to look at them very long. They just make me sad. The other day I pulled out a family picture with our kids and me posed around my husband, who was sitting in the center like a patriarch. I couldn’t help but feel sad that he never really was.

Finally Free Heart
Finally Free Heart
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

33 years here. But I’m now 6 years out from our separation and 2 years post divorce and over time all memorbilia that included XH has gone. It did take time. I mailed him all pictures that he was in (a box full) and threw out things that would remind me of him. The funny thing is that now I can remember things from early years and there is no longer any pain around the memories (for several years I would wax between nostalgia and anger when I would think of the past – not anymore). So, time will make a difference. You will be creating new memories and life will just get better and better.

Been Chumped
Been Chumped
6 years ago

I was 32+ years too (and also went through the painful realization that the OW was a friend of mine–apparently, his too!) I did the obsessive cleaning and purging and getting rid of the bed and all traces of the charlatan… but I also did an intense cleansing smudge with a group of my closest women friends. We did the burning of the sage while walking clockwise around the house with the windows open and then counter-clockwise with the windows closed to keep the damn spectre out and away. I’m not usually one for woo-woo ceremonies but this did help me and the support of my friends was awesome to witness.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Been Chumped

Been Chumped – thanks for sharing your ritual. I will be smudging, too, but there’s still too much of him here. I’m also a 32-year refugee, just 99 days post DDay(#3!). I am filing, but have been slowed by eye surgeries and a week-long evacuation. The world is also being purged while I adjust my sails to the new winds in my life.
Thank you for sharing this. Your experience fills me with optimism.
I would really like to have a wake service after divorce is final. I’m a peofessional in end-of-life care and have become an expert in grieving. Now I see why: to prepare me for the death of this marriage. I think a wake would help me transition from mourning to celebration, with my closest friends who get it.
Also considering a small tattoo!

mil23
mil23
6 years ago

Longing-ForMeh-ca- did you have to evacuate for Irma? We did. Luckily our house was ok and all of our friends/family are ok. Very scary though and stressful!!! Hope all is well by you! Hugs

livefortoday2
livefortoday2
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpsrushin

I understand. 32 years here also. Right now all the stuff is in the basement, in boxes, under the stairwell. Not ready to face those memories yet. The head stuff is enough for now. Hugs to you chumpsrushin.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

Do it! Seriously, start with one room and remove everything that reminds him of you. If that means new furniture then so be it. Make that your sanctuary. As you move room by room you have a safe place to go where nothing will trigger you when you stumble on something or it gets to be too much. Soon your whole house will be cleansed and you can go about repainting or reupholstering or redecorating

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

The strangest thing about my situation (35 years married), is that NOTHING in the house reminds me of him except for the things that need to be repaired and the piles of debris he left behind! In all actuality, HE was never involved in the decorating or selection of anything in the home, from furniture to paint colors… absolutely nothing. I feel very fortunate for this. (The wedding album and wedding gown? Bottle of wine and in the garbage!)

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Lioness

I truly don’t know. It’s been 4 months apart in a 19 yr marriage. I figure I’ll do it when I’m good and ready. You’ll realize the further away you are from him, you truly start getting your power back. Cone here often and listen to everyone and how they did it. I suggest NC just because he can’t mindfuck you anymore. That in itself is powerful. Xo sweet

Scott
Scott
6 years ago

I went grocery shopping and bought everything I wanted without fear of her getting mad at me. She would always give me such a hard time about “not buying the right stuff” or “spending too much money.” I bought what I that my kids and me needed. I also used the plastic bags from the grocery instead of the reusable bags. I would always forget to use them and she would go ballistic on me.

ChumpedTwice
ChumpedTwice
6 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Oh my gosh! I did that, too! It was weird getting things that weren’t on sale, or something I just knew my STBX would think was a “waste of money.” Never mind he could buy whatever the heck he wanted, whenever he wanted…but if I wanted to buy a spinach dip full price!? Watch out! I’d hear all about it.

Buying what I want is liberating. I love it!

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Big grin from me on this.

When KK had our first, I started doing the Saturday shopping, taking the baby with me so KK could have a nap or do whatever she felt like doing. For 2 months she expressed appreciation.

At 6 months she demanded that I stop: “You didn’t get the right stuff!! You should have gotten X — it was on sale!! I don’t care if Y was in sale, you should have gotten the other brand!! I know I said ‘I don’t care what kind you get’ but I don’t like this kind.”

Shortly thereafter she resumed the weekend shopping and started complaining that she didn’t have any ‘me’ time in Saturdays.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I can relate. He would complain about the way I did things (especially laundry in my case), take over the task himself and then complain that he was stuck doing everything.

I asked him the other day if he ever considered how much getting his way contributed to his own unhappiness. He didn’t have an answer to that one.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago

I got one of those too! He would take on what he did not like how I did, and then expect major bitch cookies for doing “so much…” Post-separation and divorce, I realized that even at the heights of his “taking on more” he was still doing about 20% of the shared household and family chores…

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

In my case STBX certainly did his share, the problem was that he didn’t recognize all of the things I did to do my share. I was reciprocating but he never noticed and it probably wasn’t even what he wanted. He wanted hero worship.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago

Yes this exactly – mine wanted hero worship too!!!! And did not notice everything I did! Ugh!!!!

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

Douchebag would complain to his AP that I didn’t do anything and when he came home he had to make his own dinner and clean up the kitchen ect etc. when she told me, I said what after he had been fucking you and it was 11pm. All lies to make himself look good to her. I was always the useless one but still good to have sex with even after fucjing the whore and not using any protection!!! I couldn’t even make a salad apparently.

Interesting now he is all I still love you and you were an amazing wife and mother etc etc. hoovering much. I just ignore. But I wish he would take a long walk off those cliffs he likes visiting in the National park with his2nd AP. who incidentally he is cheating on. Seriously he is such a douche!!!

Nyra
Nyra
6 years ago

So similar, except X never took over doing any work for more than a few days! After his almost one week of tidying up the kitchen AFTER the kids & I did dishes, I asked him why he stopped helping. He said, “When I do something I like it to stay done!”

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I’ve done the shopping and cooking for the entirety of our 20+ years together. My STBX still felt entitled to kibbitz and complain, and, occasionally, to make the unilateral, unannounced decision to go to Costco and stock up on ridiculous quantities of stuff we didn’t need (and most of us didn’t like) and couldn’t easily store. She also felt free to organize the kitchen to her liking, despite the fact that the closest she got to cooking was making the occasional scrambled egg. She moves out tonight. One of the first things I’m going to do is clean out the fridge and cabinets. And I’m going to fill the dishwasher any goddamned way I want. Oh, yeah, baby. Color me mighty.

KibbleFree_MightyMe
KibbleFree_MightyMe
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

HeChump – Why wait?? Cook whatever the hell you want before that bitch leaves, and do your dishwasher how you want to, and then leave it OPEN for the cheater to see! This is YOUR home! When she has anything to say, just hold up the hand as you walk away. Bye, Felicia!

Scott
Scott
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

I was a teacher, so I would get all the kids off the bus, start homework, and get dinner going. She would always say “I wish you could pick up a little bit or do the laundry rather than cook” even though she did not have to lift a finger. She would also remind me that I liked to cook, so what’s the big deal about making dinner? She was so unappreciative. And I took it for many many years.

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Scott

Right with you Scott!
Most times I felt like the lone sock left in the dryer. Never felt appreciated, NEVER, aaaaarrrrrrgggggghhhhhhhh!

Wheels are in motion, her winter is coming

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

Love this “her winter is coming”!!
????????????????????????

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Dragonlady

50 Chump –
I love “her winter is coming” too!
I’m watching my STBX begin his winter. He has texted our daughter “I miss our family ” and plays sad sausage every time I see him, but I’m done. I miss a lot too, like thinking I could trust a cheating fuckwit. But I’m better now. Like a certain fictional character from Monty Python who had been turned into a newt: “I got better.” That’s me.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  50 Chump

“her winter is coming” I love it 50 Chump… Keep going…

My divorce was finalized over a year ago, and I say of my cheater X that he went from being my significant other to being the insignificant other… His winter is here.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

If Tracy drew one of those adult coloring books with her drawings, an image of a guy chump loading the dishwasher any which way he wanted in a truly “defiant act of exuberance” would be a great page! Color you mighty indeed! Cape billowing, muscles flexing, and a huge smile on his face!

Stay mighty!

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

Why couldn’t my ex-husband be like HeChump? HeChump did all the grocery shopping and cooking for 20 years? I remember so many time being at the grocery store and seeing the guys shopping and you could tell they were shopping for a family, because of the amount and contents in their carts. And I always felt, “that’s so nice they are grocery shopping for their wife.” In 20 years, my ex made dinner maybe ten times and that was only on New Years Day. And grocery shopping for our entire family? Never, not once. I will never understand how women cheat on guys like this! I will never understand why I was “never enough” for my ex-husband! My girlfriend said to ask myself, “Would I date me?” Well, I have asked myself many time, “Would I marry me?” And the answer is “Yes!” I tried so hard to be a great wife and do everything to make his life at home as easy and happy as possible and it was still not enough!

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

My STBX cooked most of our meals and shopped if he could when he wasn’t working. He told me before we got married that he would do all the cooking and that when we lived together the kitchen would be his kitchen. He then resented me for this later on and used it as one of the reasons to justify leaving me. It wouldn’t have taken much to have talked to me about this if it had really been a problem in our marriage.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  pregnant chump

Pregnant Chump, and what you said is another example how they will say ANYTHING to justify their behavior. He told you that he was the cook and it was his kitchen. You were like, “cool” or whatever you thought. You went along with what he wanted. And then he used what he wanted and turned it against you to make you look like the bad spouse who didn’t cook for him. My ex did the same thing in the end. He lied about me. He rewrote history. In the letter he gave me, I at times had no idea what he was talking about because it didn’t fit in with what I lived with him. None of what he said made sense! And that’s because he had to come up with a new narrative to fit why he was a pathological liar and serial adulterer. It couldn’t possibly be because he had poor character. No. No. No. It was Martha’s fault because she is so controlling and judgmental. 24 years we were together and the only thing I tried to “control” was him not seeing women behind my back. Besides that, I let him do what he wanted to do. And yes I’m judgmental. I think it’s wrong for married men to get emotionally close to women. To go out with women on dates. To flirt with ho-workers. If that makes me judgmental. Then I am.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Yeah, I feel the same as you — I was real and did the best I could. I wasn’t perfect and made mistakes, but who doesn’t? I just tried hard not to do the same thing again. It’s funny (not funny), but the Bible tells us about wolves in sheep clothing. I just always thought it would be a pastor. More like a tele-evangelist. Not my husband. Never thought it would be someone I was so close to. This has been a huge lesson learned in trusting my gut and my first impressions of someone. When I first talked with the pastor, and this was quite a few years ago. My first impression was that he was really full of himself. But then he had this “loving” side that he shows at church each week. I should have gone with my first impression, because I was right. Even in counseling with my ex and I, he would talk about himself and his marriage most of the time. Ugh. And the deception was deep considering that one of the lies he was in on it with my ex. The pastor said something and I was there, my ex and my sister. After the meeting, my sister even said something like, “Yay! He told ex it’s time for him to move out of the house!” A week later my ex said that the pastor never said that and then my ex called the pastor of the phone and I heard the pastor say he never said that. And he did!! The pastor from the very beginning was telling both of us to not leave the home (legal perspective?) and I think the ex in him were in on the lie together so the pastor could go back to telling my ex not to leave. I don’t know why else he would have lied. It’s just disgusting. I know that pastors are held to a different standard, so he’ll get discipline some day for what he did to me and how is church back the liar/adulterer. Anyway, thanks for chatting with me. I do hope I get up the courage to head to church soon.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I can understand your apprehension at finding another church to join. God will show you where he wants you to be in his own time. These pastors should be removed from their posts they are not witnessing and leading as Christ did at all. I agree it’s so easy to sit in church and pretend to be a good person. Friends of mine are disgusted that STBX could sit next to me in church whilst he was having his affair. During Christmas he was hugging people in the congregation who were congratulating us on being pregnant.
I don’t exactly feel lucky that he left but I’m thankful I only have 2 1/2 years of memories with DS in them and 9 1/2 years of a relationship in total. It still hurts like hell but it’s better than 20 or 30 years. I know I was real and happy in those times the fact that he wasn’t is on him and not on me. I know I did the best I could with what I had and that’s good enough for me.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

PregnantChump, things were not handled properly at my ex-church. I caught my now ex-husband out with another woman (now his girlfriend) on a very late drinks date. He had been seeing her for years behind my back for coffee dates (maybe more?) before work and he’s a predator of women and he’d email her Happy Birthday every year to keep in contact with her (he did this with TONS of women I’m sure). So after I caught him, we immediately went into counseling with my now ex-pastor. We saw the pastor for counseling almost two months and I always got this feeling that the pastor was trying to take my exes side. Lots of examples that I could write about. At one time he spend a half hour with my ex just the two of them and he was trying to “understand” my ex and why he thought he needed to be “friends” with women. I felt like I was going crazy with not only my ex, but the pastor! Long story short, no I did not feel supported at all in that church. I now know my ex was lying about me behind my back to his co-workers (the narc smear campaign) all during the time we were in counseling. My ex was plotting divorce all the while he was in counseling with me. He lied to me, the pastor, the guys in the church group he belongs to, family and friends. Tons and tons of lies. He then discarded me saying he wanted to be in a relationship with someone who “trusted him 100%” and I “couldn’t give him what he wanted. Trust.” All a bunch of crap lies to justify what he was really doing. He was throwing me away to start up with the woman he is now dating. He commmitted adultery with her. They dated close to a year and we were still married that year. I told the pastor all this, but the pastor said my now ex would tell him that he was “being pure.” All a bunch of lies. So ex goes to church each week and pretends to be this big holy guy. Also, my ex pastor lied to me three times. My sister was there for one of the things he said to me and he later denied saying, so it’s not me having a bad memory. My sister said, “That church is toxic and you need to leave.” So I have, but I’m having a really hard time going back to church. It’s not God in any way. It’s just trust. I never in a million years thought a pastor and church would do all that they did! And my ex has gotten 100% away with everything. I can only imagine how many lies he told about me. He told his co-workers that I was “crazy.” I’m not of course, but now after reading here at Chump Lady that is a very common thing for cheaters to say about their spouse. Anyway, I know I need to get back to church, but I’m having a hard time. Everything seems so fake now. Like I wonder what people are truly Christians or what people are wolves in sheep clothing. 🙁 It’s so easy to fake being a Christian. Even fruit is easy to fake. I’m praying for you PregnantChump. You were me 17 years ago. I wish my ex would have left me when he had an affair when I was pregnant (he would deny this of course, but all the signs were there). I know it would have been really hard to be a single mom with babies, but at least I would have all the what I thought were really happy memories of us as a family. It’s really messed with my mind wondering what was real and what was fake. 🙁

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

I can see why he is your ex pastor. Did you ex husband get to stay at the church? I have been very lucky with the support I have had from my church. Today’s sermon was on forgivness but their was not any mention of repentance being needed which confused me a bit. I am all for loving but the bible teaches that there are still consequences to sin. It doesn’t sound like the church treated you with very much love. I hope you have found a church that you feel welcome in.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

PregnantChump, “People quote the bible on this but even Jesus judged those who were acting immorally and asked for repentance of their sins.” Amen to that. My ex-pastor said to me that he “doesn’t judge, but only loves.” He wouldn’t judge my ex-husband, only love him. Whatever! That’s not what Jesus would do! If we don’t judge other peoples character when we meet new people, we will let bad people into our lives. Or we will let people into our lives that don’t have the same moral or values as us. And with the repentance, I 100% agree. I read Divorce Ministers blog every time he posts. I have learned I do not have to forgive my ex-husband as he continues to lie and says he hasn’t done anything wrong and everything is my fault. It was thrown in my face right away by my ex-pastor that I “needed to forgive right away” or I’d be a bitter bunny. Well, I’m working on FORGIVING MYSELF! Forgiving myself for not trusting my gut 26 years ago when I first thought he was cheating on me. Forgiving myself for not moving back to my home state when he was treating me like shit when he started his first job out of college. Forgiving myself for not leaving him when he had an affair when I was pregnant (I couldn’t prove it, but all the signs were there). Forgiving myself for being fooled by all his lies when I knew deep down his was lying to me and seeing women behind my back even if they were “just friends.” Forgiving myself for letting people walk all over me so that they would “like me.” I need to forgive myself. My ex could care less whether I forgave him, because I really believe he believes his own lies and his rewrite of history. He will never ask for forgiveness, because then he’d have to admit he did something wrong and “perfect and special” don’t do anything wrong.

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Well said Martha they are great at forgetting what bad things they have done but will remember ever little bad thing you ever did. They also never remember the good stuff you do either. It always about what you didn’t do. Another excuse for leaving was I asked him to do jobs when he looked after DS but I never did jobs when I looked after him. He forgets I was the one who had him 90% of the time and also worked part time. Sometimes we did stay at home and play but we also did the food shoppping, I did the washing, I cooked DS his dinner, I shopped for every single Christmas and birthday present and card, I brought all the clothes for all of us and all the toiletries. I could go on but you get my point. I also think it’s ok to be judgemental about certain things. People quote the bible on this but even Jesus judged those who were acting immorally and asked for repentance of their sins.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

The cooking thing is stirring me up. At his deposition this week, cheater made a point of saying he cooks for whore. He used to make a big deal about what a great cook he was. Well, his cooking was making a pot of chili about 2 times a year and kabobs for his mother on Mother’s Day and her birthday. He would grill burgers and hot dogs occasionally. The clean up was left to me so I assume whore gets that job. He would brag about what a fabulous cook he was but all I could think is cooking a couple special meals a year is a whole lot different than cooking dinner for a family of 7 every night of the year without help of appreciation.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

HeChump -that’s awesome you did that! Your wife is a shit!!! My STBX grocery shopped and cooked. In between running his “errands” he found plenty of time for quickies with his AP while our son and I waited at home for him!

I am three months out from DDay 2 and kicking him out and filing for divorce. I know I am better off w/o him and do not want to be with him but today for some reason I am so triggered I just want to call him up and scream at him…..but I know it won’t accomplish anything bc he does not care. He is living in fantasy land with his psychotic AP/girlfriend…..ugh!!!!!! Ok rant over!

I hate these cheaters!!!!! I am grateful for CN! Thanks guys!!!!

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

Hi Martha,
I am with you on this one,
I never knew there were men, who actually go to the grocery store, load up groceries and take them home, unpack, put stuff away, and then, some even cook, real food. That is truly amazing!
????????‍????????

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Yeah, when I first came to Chump Nation, I couldn’t believe that guys actually helped out around the house, cooked, shopping, etc. When we were dating, I thought he was this very helpful guy because that’s who I saw him to be when he lived with his parents. Once we got married, he would just sit when he got home from work. I remember going to get groceries week after week. Hauled the groceries up a flight of stairs. Put everything away. He would just sit there. One day I said, “Can you please help me?” And he did. And he always did going forward if he was home. It was the fact that he didn’t notice that I was doing everything by myself and it didn’t dawn on him that he should help if he was just sitting there. And that was the rest of our marriage. Unless I asked for something, it didn’t happen. I went for 12 birthdays and never got a birthday cake or out for dinner or anything. I’d pretty much get a card left someplace for me to find (like on the computer). No acknowledgement of Mother’s Day even though I went out of my way for my ex-MIL. No Valentine’s Day. Never took me out for our anniversary. I had to cry and pretty much asked to have my birthday and Mother’s Day acknowledged. He said, “I didn’t know.” Yeah, he “didn’t know” that normal husbands usually celebrate these things for their wives. He did “know” that he should celebrate his FEMALE college friends birthday every year by going out with her for lunch. He did “know” to send Happy Birthday emails to all the FEMALE friends that he used to work with and that he was close to in some way. Anyway……I’m rambling. Tough to see what looks like really nice guys who seemed like pretty decent, helpful husbands getting cheated on. My ex never saw my value and appreciated me. I would have done anything to make him happy and he didn’t appreciate that at all. And the cheaters did appreciate their chump husbands. I know it’s been said before, but it would be nice if they had a dating site for chumps to date other chumps. But it’ll never happen, because all the creeps would show up and ruin it for the good people.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

*DIDN’T appreciate chump husbands

Dave K
Dave K
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

I bought groceries, did laundry and folded and put away, she would fold and leave in the basement and never put it away.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Dave K

I would do the laundry for everyone, but when he would do a load, he would only do his stuff.

Upon finding out about his affair, he was surprised and upset that I was no longer doing his laundry.

Good riddance.

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Don’t stop there, wash the floors on hands and knees, wash and fold laundry,
do the dishes….things I always did between working 2 jobs…..while she stayed home and mostly complained

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Martha

“that’s so nice they are grocery shopping for their wife.”

Real men don’t “shop for their wife.” Real men shop because they know they are equals in the relationship and such tasks aren’t gender specific.

Or maybe it’s just me.

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Right on UX.
shared responsibilities so that not one person feels that they are carrying all the load. Fathers don’t babysit their kids. They are parenting. It’s called being a family and a good parent and as you said equals.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Dragonlady

Yeah babysitting was a favorite phrase of my ex. I don’t think he got the irony.

Martha
Martha
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Sorry, I didn’t mean to put anyone down. My ex never offered to help with anything that was once considered “women’s work”. I agree with you that all jobs are not gender specific. Some of us had husbands that rarely offered to help out. And in my case, my ex was always busy “working” and when he came home from work, he “had to” work at night, because he “had so much work to do.” So all the housework, grocery shopping, dinner making and even jobs that some would be considered “man jobs” like cleaning the basement, garage, taking care of all the landscaping which included using a gigantic electric bush trimmer (he bought that for me for the first Mother’s Day present he ever got me and I was already a mom for eight years before he ever acknowledge Mother’s Day for me — and I had to cry the previous year about it in order for him to acknowledge that day), oil changes, new tires, new brakes, pay the bills, etc. I did just about everything for 20 and he said to me, “You never took good care of me.” If I ever date or get married again. It’s going to be with a person who looks at me as their equal. That helps out with the house, grocery shopping, making meals, etc.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

It’s not just you. And real men clean the bathrooms too. LOL, it hit me after divorce that the exasshole never cleaned the bathroom after the first year.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

You were lucky @

Hopefloats80
Hopefloats80
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Uggghh mine never cleaned after I moved out but during wreckonciliation I went to his house before he sold it. It literally STUNK everything was filthy. Not my circus not my monkeys. ????

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Mine never cleaned the bathroom either and hated it when I used our small master bath. So I didn’t use it and told him that he could clean it. After he left it took me many hours and some nasty chemicals to clean that hole. How someone could use a shower so disgusting I will never know.

kaycan
kaycan
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

I love our guy Chumps! You make me laugh.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

” And I’m going to fill the dishwasher any goddamned way I want.”

This definitely was one of the small immediate pleasures of no longer having KK in the house.

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

You guys are awesome ????

bepositive
bepositive
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

One of my immediate pleasures was not having to walk on eggshells any longer. I could play any music I felt like at any time and the loudness I wanted. Additionally, I could watch TV or sit in the living room without feeling like an intruder.

Onwards
Onwards
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Same! disordered X would become enraged because one of the kids or I had loaded something the unspecified wrong place in the dishwasher. Yet another out of proportion, unreasonable and unnecessary stressor that I do not miss.

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  Onwards

What is it with the dishwasher complaining. ??? To teach me a lesson after i had cooked and cleaned up every day of our life he would deliberately crash around putting dishes away the following morning ensuring that everyone woke up to his rage about the misplaced dishes. Dick.

Scott
Scott
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yep – they’re martyrs who have to take care of the idiot husbands

Lothos
Lothos
6 years ago

Get laid with someone new!

That is a great opening ritual.

Just make sure they understand its just about the venting/releasing sex.

Next morning you start a new life with the jerk in the past!

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

I miss sex too but at this point I am so nervous about it and don’t think I’m ready for it. I haven’t been with anyone else in 20 years. I am scared of how akward it will be. I don’t generally have self esteem issues but I’m really scared about sex/dating. Hopefully as time passes I will be more into it. I do want to be with someone in the future!

StarStuffGoddess
StarStuffGoddess
6 years ago
Reply to  mil23

mil 23,

I was with GUBU for thirty years, during which he was pretty much sexually dysfunctional most of the time. Heck, he didn’t even really want me, nor could he get it up when I was a hot-and-raring-to-go twenty-something! Imagine how dismal our sex life was when he started to have physical erection problems due to age/health issues, instead of just his usual mental porn-induced garbage.

During the discard and his last episode of cheating, I was also going through menopause. (Asshat complained because I needed to sleep with a fan on me; the night sweats were horrendous.)

When D-Day came around, I really thought that physical aspect of my life was over. I thought the lack of desire I had for him was because of ME!
I never put it together that it was the way he treated me that made me get to the point of not wanting him, either. Still, it was the only physical contact I got, so I did what I had to do in order to satisfy some of those needs, even if what/how he wanted it was distasteful to me.

(Funny thing though, I found out he’d gotten Viagra to use with with Co-Ho-Worker. Guess there was a bit more to THAT story.)

My point is this: Once I’d gotten some distance from him, and got out more, I started to learn that other men found me plenty attractive, even if he didn’t. He’d tried to convince me that it was my pathetic self that made me so uninteresting to him. Well….nope!

Then I started to notice that I was attracted to some of the men out there, too.

In my new relationship, the sex is better than it EVER was, with anyone, at any time in my life.
Hot, steamy, fun, adventurous… and guess what? It’s because we are both so into each other and the chemistry is great. We adore each other. Amazing how all that works!

Here I am, post-menopausal, and he’s in his mid-sixties. I never thought it possible.
So if it can happen for me, it can happen for you, too!

PS: Maybe TMI for the Man-Chumps here, but I started on Estrace Vaginal Cream asap after GUBU dumped me. It’s made all the difference in how I feel “down there” and my partner often comments on how amazing I feel… and it’s great for me too. I’m still on a very low dose of HRT because of the night sweats, and I think that helps too. I’m weaning off the hormone replacement slowly, because I need my sleep…
But I had had pain with GUBU whenever we did manage to have sex; I assume most of that was psychological.
But as they say, “If you don’t use it, you lose it!” so it’s important to “use it” however that works for you and hopefully the right partner(s) will *come* along.
Sorry for the pun. (No. Not really sorry! 😉
I hope you get the chance to find this out for yourself.
Best of luck!

mil23
mil23
6 years ago

I loved reading this!!!! Thank you so much!!!! I am so glad you found happiness and hot sex with someone else!!!! That makes me so happy that there is hope I will find this too!!!! Thank you!!!! ????

LoveDay
LoveDay
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

I agree! ☺️But there is one caveat. If you sleep with someone who is terrible in bed or is just a total gross weirdo it can make you long for the monster . The cheater and I had many problems but sex wasn’t one of them. I also just loved his body physically. His smell, the way he kissed.
It can set you up to do a comparison and you might break no contact. Ask me how I know this tragic consequence.
In fact even thinking about it is dangerous. New ritual -no ruminating how great he was in bed. ????

Hopefloats80
Hopefloats80
6 years ago
Reply to  LoveDay

I hear you. My ex was the only person I have ever been so attracted to. Sex was amazing. I’ll never find that again.

FooledMeTwice
FooledMeTwice
6 years ago
Reply to  LoveDay

“New ritual -no ruminating how great he was in bed. ”

Made me laugh out loud! No such worries here!

Dragonlady
Dragonlady
6 years ago
Reply to  FooledMeTwice

Me neither in the end I found out he was on Viagra. His first AP called him limpdick when he husband confronted her about the affair. His 2nd AP put up pictures of herself on Insta with only two halves of a peach in front of her breasts. So I refer to them as Peachtitties and Limpdick now ????????????????????????????

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
6 years ago
Reply to  LoveDay

If you really think about it, may realize that you are the one that made sex great and you can do it again.

ChumpChris
ChumpChris
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Amen to that. The best thing for me was my date for the night cosying up to me after the act, to declare; “why would anyone ever want anything but you!?”. This woman and I had precious little in common beyond physical attraction, we both knew the deal, but I will remember that with gratitude for the rest of my life.

UXworld
UXworld
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Much easier for women to make this suggestion happen, Lothos.

Twitching
Twitching
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I can’t even find someone to go on a date with, much less sleep with. Very frustrating.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Easier for some women than others. I have the problem of having a hard time being physically intimate with someone I am not emotionally attached to even if I find him handsome. I sometimes wish I could be into the one night stand, enjoy the sex and not care about what happens next. I daydream about that sometimes. In real life, however, that has just never worked for me (at least not in the past, I admit that the last time I tried was over 25 years ago). STBX was the only one who could ever get me to climax because I felt safe with him. I thought he loved me. I could fake it and make it happen, but I wouldn’t get much out of it. Maybe it’s just a psychological block or anxiety issue I need to get past, but in the meantime I am torchered by desire but there is nobody who can currently quench it.

Nobody2U
Nobody2U
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I don’t think so..I have been off the market for 23 years. I sadly haven’t been kissed since before my daughter was born she is 17…I don’t have a clue anymore not to mention I seem to have misplaced my self esteem…

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  Nobody2U

You are somebody. I’m sure you had about 16 years without sex before your very first time and when you finally did you figured it out. In the right arms it’s always easy. I haven’t since 2015. Not as long as you. I’ve come to realise that there are more people not having sex than those who do. I’ve also realise those who obsess about it are pretty screwed up otherwise.
Just love you! Sex never did nor will it ever define us.

Shechump
Shechump
6 years ago
Reply to  Mandie101

nobody – ‘I don’t have a clue anymore not to mention I seem to have misplaced my self esteem…”

And, HeChump.

I can totally related to you both. I haven’t had sex for (shamefully) over 20 yrs. And, I figure the future is celibacy. Not that I want that anymore! My lack of sex life was the X. I satisfied him twice a week regularly – orally, etc. but didn’t even get a back rub in return. I have wet dreams! (not to get too weird here) . I crave a man so often it’s embarrassing when I catch this old broad oogling.

HeChump
HeChump
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Right, UXWorld. I’d love to sign up for this particular brand of therapy. It’s just a little tricky to make it happen. (Plus, I’m not sure I remember how.)

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
6 years ago
Reply to  HeChump

I’m told it’s like riding a bike; you never really forget, so don’t worry about being a bit wobbly at first!

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

It ain’t tough. That said, it will make you hate her even more when you realize how unnecessary and cruel the sex game she played with you was. Even kissing made me hate her more because I knew everything she did, or didn’t do, was just a mind fuck intended to hurt.

sweetChumpgirl
sweetChumpgirl
6 years ago
Reply to  Lothos

Same here Lothos!!!

Cancer Chump
Cancer Chump
6 years ago

I bought myself a new ring–my birthstone, amethyst which I guess is a healing stone (if you believe in that stuff). I also took our large family photo off the wall, ripped it into pieces and stuck the piece with him through the shredder.

mavis
mavis
6 years ago
Reply to  Cancer Chump

Ha! @ Cancer Chump
The first year was extremely difficult as I spent too much time trying to make sense of all that had happened. After that, I went through a crazy, fun time hanging out with a friend with benefits who happened to be a chump as well. I feel stronger now and I have begun to tackle the years of family photographs cutting out the X and putting him through the shredder as well – very therapeutic!

SarSen
SarSen
6 years ago

After the divorce was final and the personal property was divided, I burned every last thing that reminded me of him–every picture of him and I, newspaper articles with our engagement/wedding announcements, my entire wedding album, pictures with him at my family holidays, vacation pics, mementos such as ticket & concert stubs, all the pics of me with his screwed up family, every single gift he ever gave me, cards he’d written to me, my wedding dress, etc. I poured gasoline on the pile of garbage, threw a match, & watched it go up in flames, and I raised my glass to making wonderful new beginnings from the ashes. I lkept the fire going strong until all of it was nothing more than ash. I highly recommend doing this if it’s legal to burn where you live and you can do it safely. It was incredibly therapeutic!

Cactusflower
Cactusflower
6 years ago
Reply to  SarSen

yes! BURN BABY BURN! The photos of the decade together, along with cards and letters. Because of my diagnosed PTSD (from covert abuse) sometimes I would look at photos and not be able to recall the situation of where the photo took place. Why carry these memories (if you can remember!????) of a person who never really existed.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago

Oh Boy. My rituals are on two fronts:
1) Getting rid of every single thing in the house that reminds me of or came from cheater and his 7 cheating brothers and family in general;
2) Changing habits that I knew were not good, but kept to avoid constant bickering and arguments.

The first thing I sold was his mother’s antique Singer sewing machine with cast iron legs. Ironically It went to a cheater and his schmoopie; schmoopie arrived complete with tons of makeup, stilettos and décolletage at 10 AM; they told me they were decorating their “new home”.
Now I am auctioning a painting that I bought from ex-BIL to help him (BIL is 77 and perpetually in debt), who ripped me off on the price. Etc. The walls in my house sing every time something is sold. And I make a little cash.

On changing bad habits, I keep a perfect balance of expenses, am building up savings, and cultivate my many friendships (all have been so kind to me). Cheater has not a single friend and would drag his feet about visiting mine unless it was an opportunity to spread his peacock feathers.

chumpsrushin
chumpsrushin
6 years ago

I started a nice cozy fire in the fireplace , had a bottle of wine that I had been saving for our anniversary and proceeded to toast the photos of Cheater as I burned them. They were the 10 year time period when I thought we were happy family; launching children, marrying off children , becoming grandparents. It was really the 10 years of his double life (crack whore, extra child, home and vehicles , you know the usual double life stuff)
Now I pick up a pretty piece of broken glass in the desert every time I walk and put it into a container to remind me that I’m picking up pieces now rather than watching my life burn.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpsrushin

I love this idea!

Nora
Nora
6 years ago
Reply to  chumpsrushin

Picking up new pieces…love this idea.

Tamara
Tamara
6 years ago

It’s been a year since he moved out. A friend going through a similar situation suggested we re-arrange my bedroom. At first, I declined thinking it wasn’t really worth it but she insisted. I’m so glad she did. Even though I wasn’t ready at the time it made such a difference to make it MINE. I found a couple of inexpensive chairs, moved my yarn for knitting to his dresser, eventually bought new sheets, & finally a new mattress. I stopped dreading going to our bedroom because it was now mine. Sometimes I will hang out upstairs at night & my teenage kids will come in to tell me something, snuggle or just stop in for a few minutes. I think they can feel the difference and that this is my room & it’s going to be ok.

CJ
CJ
6 years ago

In addition to throwing items away and making things mine again, I also did something a little more holistic. I happened to be at the shore for a vacation and was walking the beach early one morning. I went down near the water and wrote my ex’s name in the same, along with the OW’s name, and some words like betrayal, lies, pain, hurt, and The Past. Then I sat and watched as the tide came in and slowly washed it all away. I did the same thing each morning for the remainder of my vacation. So cathartic.

CJ
CJ
6 years ago

Whoops… *in the sand

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
6 years ago

I cleaned and redecorated the whole house once he left. It kept me busy when I could not sleep because it seemed every time I slept I would jolt awake at 3 am with a new connection my brain made and hence a new D-day.

I also took every breakable thing Narkles the Clown left here to a outdoor gun range and blew it to bits. It was a good amount of stuff. When people asked what I was doing, I told them. They were very sympathetic and some helped me with the destruction process.

I have new rituals now. They’re small but comforting. For example, I use fabric softener. I no longer have to be concerned with Narkles theClown’s delicate skin so all my sheets and towels and clothes smell so nice.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

OMG love this!!!!! You are mighty!!!!

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I never tire of hearing the gun range story. I hope people there remember you for a long, long time. I just love the visuals this brings to mind. So mighty!

free2bme
free2bme
6 years ago

One thing I did was throw my boxed and preserved wedding dress into a dumpster, along with an expensive canvas huge pic of our “family” of 6. I had moved that box around for 26 years during multiple moves for the Great One’s career, thinking maybe one of our 3 daughters would want to wear it. I was cleaning out a storage unit- a tough job physically and emotionally- to move into my new home. There was no way I would bring it, but even to lug it around to sell it seemed gross. Plus, too much bad mojo there. It was a quick decision, drove around to the dumpster and in one heave- that and the pic were gone. No tears (1.5 years by then), but I knew that toss was significant.

Now that I am reading the burn post, SarSen, maybe I could have made it more ceremonial!

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
6 years ago

I had The Burning. It was supposed to be a post-divorce celebration, but as we are still in settlement I had The Burning instead. I invited a ton of people, bought two fire pits, hired a jukebox/karaoke machine and partied it up. One fire pit was to burn things you wanted to get rid of, both literal & symbolic (had paper with textas so people could write stuff out), the other fire pit was to burn wishes and lists of things you wanted to attract. Had an absolute ball. When my divorce comes through I’m going to do it again and call it The Wake.

marysocontrary
marysocontrary
6 years ago

We bought a Welsh love spoon when we were in the U.K. in our first few years of marriage. Its supposed to symbolize the love in your marriage. I burned it in the chimenea in my back yard. Unfortunately, I nearly burned my backyard as the grass was dry. Lucky I had a garden hose handy!

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  marysocontrary

Hm. We had a New Mexico ceramic pot thing that was supposed to symbolize our marriage. It broke a few years back. We got a new one. I guess that was symbolic of our future.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago
Reply to  marysocontrary

Hey, we had one of those! It was a wedding gift from friends who bought it in Wales for us. His dog chewed it up a few years into the marriage. I was annoyed at the time because the dog was undisciplined and always destroying stuff that the EX left lying around. Suddenly, I suspect the dog was trying to tell me something. (And why the EX took the spoon off the wall and left it on the couch was never adequately explained.)

Trying for Mighty
Trying for Mighty
6 years ago
Reply to  marysocontrary

OMG. We did the same, and that love spoon has been hanging in every kitchen of every house we’ve lived in for 35 years. In thinking over what I’ll take when I leave (I am to meet with a lawyer next week) I had never even considered that spoon–but maybe I’ll do the same as you and burn the damned thing.

Dee
Dee
6 years ago

My ritual was to sit down with my kids and re-think or re-imagine every ritual/tradition we’d had during the 19 year marriage. As a result, I now do something very different and wonderful with my kids for Christmas and it minimizes stress for all of us. I totally changed up my Sunday morning routine. We celebrate birthdays differently. All those “firsts” after a divorce are tough. Actively changing these patterns has really helped the kids and me move forward into a kick-ass new life that better fits who we are now.

mcfiesty
mcfiesty
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Dee – I have been thinking about the same thing. I wanted to change the way we celebrated everything in order not to be reminded of the Ex.

For my birthday I rented one of those inflatable water slides – like you do for kid parties – and we had a blast. I really wanted the kids to have fun and just not think of their dad not being there with us. It seem to work pretty darn good. All day long we did nothing but swim, slide, and laugh.

I have been thinking about the upcoming holidays – trying to figure out some new fun things. My kids are older – teenagers and early 20’s. This will most likely be the first year without dressing up for Halloween. 🙁

I may start a post under General in order to get some help on coming up with some fun ideas for celebrating. I want the kiddos smiling during the holidays instead of remembering how it use to be, and what they have lost.

Dee
Dee
6 years ago
Reply to  mcfiesty

Love the watersliding idea McFeisty!
I think the trick to new traditions is to let all your pre-conceived notions go. Just let shit go. I’ll use Christmas as an example. It was always stressful for us even before divorce because we shuttled frantically between extended family, trying to get the best of all the celebrations. No way in hell was I going to fight my ex for time on a day that is always stressful for my kids. So I have declared Christmas at my house to be Dec 23. My teen/college kids are off school and they are still excited about the upcoming holidays. We invite over friends (theirs and mine) and we do appetizers and Shabu Shabu (Japanese style fondue) . It’s relaxed, fun and no one has to rush off. Ex takes them Christmas Eve and most of Chirstnas Day, and then I take the kids for the rest of the days including New Years, which usually allows me to travel somewhere fun with the kids. They love this!! So by walking away from the Christmas drama and not fighting ex for time, I have actually gained SO much. I now look forward to this time of year! Shh! Don’t tell my ex.????

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  mcfiesty

My older teens like to dress up to hand out the candies at the door! Sometimes they invite a couple of friends over to ‘help’. (And of course, I have to buy double, so they can gorge themselves, too ….)

Luziana
Luziana
6 years ago

Cold Slab O’Meat didn’t leave much behind. He was very careful to take everything that meant anything to him. His daughter’s Christmas ornaments and cookie cutters and baby dishes? Not so much.

He left behind a couple of shirts, some socks and the wedding ring he’d painstakingly had engraved ‘My Love Forever’ in Welsh less than a year before. He has never said a consoling word of apology to his now former stepchildren. He was encouraging his daughter to no longer be friends with mine.

So we piled his shit on our barbecue grill and MADE S’MORES over them, mummafunka!

The stepdaughter’s things went in the shed. I guess he thought he’d be able to swing by later and say hello to get them. Bisch you can swing by sometime no one is home and collect them from a shed. He had exactly ONE DAY to move his shit from my home. He was mistaken if he thought he’d ever cross my threshold again.

I gave away whatever he never came for. Down to the last plate and salad tong. If I had to do it again, I wouldn’t have gone into debt to replace everything with brand new. But it was cathartic to not put silverware he’d touched in my mouth. I could only use towels watched in super hot water.

I highly recommend s’mores made over the ashes of betrayal. We laughed the entire time. They were delicious!

UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
UnsinkableMollyXinAlabama
6 years ago
Reply to  Luziana

You got that right, Luz!!!!

Same here.

Over the first year after The Evil One left, I would find things he had left behind and would quickly chuck em into the burn barrel.

I love the smell of campfires, lololol

The only Christmas ornaments he worried about were these purple and gold shiny ball ornaments. Why, I have no idea. I gave those back to him, but burned the rest of the crap his mom gave me that I always hated.

I burned our marriage certificate (I’ll spend the $15.00 to get a new one if I ever need it), put all pictures of us and his family in a box and tucked it away, just like I did with exh#1, and moved on with my life.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago

The way our custody order read the kids went to his house every Thursday night and then every other weekend.

Every Thursday morning the kids and I went out to eat breakfast before school and work. I wanted to end our time together on a good note.

ChumpOnIt
ChumpOnIt
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

I have a similar arrangement in that my daughter is picked up from daycare one day a week and goes to his place every other weekend. I have trouble getting out the door with daughter in the mornings right now, but I’ve done dinner out the night before on occasion or a special dinner/breakfast food at home. Typically, I make sure I spend extra time reading (or re-reading) bedtime stories with her the night before, and give her an extra hug before I leave her at daycare that day.

Stronger
Stronger
6 years ago

D-day was 6.5 months ago, I filed about 5.5 months ago. It’s gonna take another year to be divorced I think. He’s fighting me for everything and the bitch wants alimony.

I shredded our pictures together, and then moved all his stuff in the house into the spare room, including pictures, ornaments, clothes etc.

I went through FB and deleted pictures of us together.

All the above made me feel great! I want him gone. He gave me my kids and I guess that was the purpose of our 9+ year relationship.

When we are officaillly divorced, I plan to have a party where I burn the wedding albun and my wedding dress. Some people say my kids will will want these things in the future and I should keep them, but to me, it’s bad juju.

He was recently arrested for hitting me. My friend is planning the cake for the divorce party and is having his mugshot put on it.

I feel like I can’t really move on until the divorce is over and I have as much custody as possible with my kids. But in the meantime, the above steps have been cathartic.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

I am so sorry he hit you!!!! What a horrible POS!!!! I am happy he got arrested! I am glad you are getting away from this monster!!!! Sending hugs

KellyP
KellyP
6 years ago
Reply to  Stronger

He was recently arrested for hitting me. My friend is planning the cake for the divorce party and is having his mugshot put on it.

This right here wins the Internet for the day!

Hopefloats80
Hopefloats80
6 years ago
Reply to  KellyP

Yayyy Kelly mine is getting away with strangling me. So good for you having a mug shot! I only have his first mug shot from him hitting his first wife. My screensaver is a pic of him and ow kissing the night before she came over to give me closure. FUCKERS

nomar
nomar
6 years ago
Reply to  KellyP

Yes, hilarious! And hella spunky. Though I could not eat a piece of cake that had my cheating ex-wife’s face on it. Literally. Just the thought of it is putting me off my lunch. Urp.

Tessie
Tessie
6 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar, you gave me the best laugh I have had all week! Love your wit!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

New bright colors throughout the house–RED!! Polka Dot rugs in the main living areas (whimsical!). Purple & gold bedroom, with an Indian-themed, sequined bedspread. I put up more art prints on the wall (Hannibal had been a minimalist). Same house, my space.

mil23
mil23
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I love this!!!! My STBX had the nerve of buying a new house with me for us to live as a family w our son during wreckonciliation only to go back to his AP!! A couple weeks after we moved in he went back to his AP and I threw him out when she called to tell me!!!!

We literally were furniture shopping together while he was screwing his AP!!!! We agreed that my son and I would stay here for a year before we sell bc it’s too hard to move again right now. He is helping to pay for it for the year – I can’t afford it on my own. The house feels strange but at 3 months post DDay 2 I have been here longer on my own then with him.

I took down all pics that had him in it and replaced them with pics that make me happy! I changed the bedding and I really am having fun with my son just the two of us!!!! I know I’m better off but It’s getting over the person I thought he was, and the amazing family of three I thought we had that’s so painful!!!!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

SO MUCH THIS! Mine wanted to believe he was this sleek modern sophisticate. Every room should be white/cream, any surface should be cold and hard, every piece of furniture an unornamented cube. Any art? If you must, it should be black/white, abstract and bare (Think framed black and white print of straight line shadows on a bare sidewalk, grey plain ceramic bowl, single black sphere on totally bare marble tabletop). My furniture became carved, my wood floors a deep glowing oak with oriental rugs. My bedroom was transformed into a feminine garden with sage walls and floral patterns. I hung Pre-Raphaelite art everywhere. I lived in my home and made it a visual feast for my eyes. I did it on a shoestring from thrifting, fleamarkets, and DIY but it was beautiful. I got to decide that “Less is not more!” He liked his environment as cold and empty as his chest with the charcoal briquet rattling around where a beating flesh and blood heart should be.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

It sounds so beautiful, Jojobee. Good for you.

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Thank you. I hope this for every Chump Tempest and Finding Bliss.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

“He liked his environment as cold and empty as his chest with the charcoal briquet rattling around where a beating flesh and blood heart should be.”

Great quote, Jojobee (and I love Pre-Raphaelite art, too).

Dee
Dee
6 years ago

Ex’s affair with a family friend ended my marriage. We were the talk of the town. So the first Halloween after d-day, I ripped up my wedding dress and splashed it with fake blood. I went to our annual community party dressed as a zombie bride. It was therapeutic for me and my friends and neighbours loved it. ????

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  Dee

Love this!!!!

And WordPress says my comment is too short, so here I am making it longer …

Mandie101
Mandie101
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Hate when that happens.

NorthernLight
NorthernLight
6 years ago

When I was ready, I took down all the photos and gifts and things that reminded me of my ex and stuck them all in a box and shoved it in the bottom of a closet. Later, as the one year mark after dday approached, I really started doing major spring cleaning. I had already had two rooms repainted and bought new bedding and done some rearranging/replacing of things after he moved his stuff out. But I wanted all the last things and his tax and other paperwork OUT of MY house. All of it out before one year mark. So I bit the bullet and went through it all and gave it all to his mom to give to him.

Then, on the one year mark, I burnt sage. (I lit it over a stainless steel sink, then blew it out and placed it in the shell that came in the kit and then smudged the house.) I had gotten the sage for my birthday a week after dday (a friend had gotten it from a reserve by their house), but I hadn’t felt ready to use it. But I was ready by the time the one year mark was approaching, and it was a healing step. I had done the research on how to use the sage and had chosen a sentence/prayer/thought to repeat throughout the smudging. I got that stuff out before and cleaned the house a lot, and it felt like the end of one horrible chapter of my life and a welcoming of the next year, that would surely be less bad than that first one. I continued to do this on key dates (our ex-wedding date, New Year’s, dday, etc.). I missed dday this year but didn’t feel a big need this year either… But I plan to do the sage again whenever I feel the desire/need.

KH73
KH73
6 years ago

When he moved out, I rearrange the bedroom and got new bedding.

When I found out that wreckoncilation was over, I invited friends over and we used a shotgun to blow away some of the shit his schmoopie bought him.

When the divorce was final and I was moving to my new home (we lived next door to his mom so I insisted he keep the house. I was NOT going to stay there) I bought two totes, one for each of our daughters, and but anything that reminded me of our marriage in those totes. Dishes and other wedding gifts, family pictures, Christmas ornaments, wedding photos, etc. I then left them in the basement with the girls’ names on them.

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago

I actually was given a spray called “Bitch Be Gone” from a good friend when I told her my husband had betrayed me!
She drove through three states to take me to lunch and give me some survival gifts and told me that I was way too good for him.
I keep the spray, and a photo of a New Mexico museum sculpture “God of No Fear” by my bedside.
Didn’t leave for another year, but having friends and family reinforce that I deserved better was the “ritual” I needed.

ChumpChris
ChumpChris
6 years ago

I wouldn’t say a ritual per se, but there are several ‘rites of passage’ along the journey, and each one you pass makes you realise that you’re A-OK without this person being a millstone around your neck.

The ones that occur to me
-Moving her stuff out
-Sending off the divorce papers
-Seeing someone new for the first time
-Going to social stuff on my own (and having a good time)

I’m about to go on holiday on my own for the 1st time since, and (deliberately timed) at the same time having my 1st birthday alone since. Christmas is the one i’m still dreading slightly as it was always a big thing for us (we would go and visit her family in Denmark) and it will be weird to be alone for that.

C and B
C and B
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChris

Very similar ‘rites of passage’ here.

– Purging the flat of all his stuff, very therapeutic!
– learning to be comfortable on my own.
– first holiday on my own was scary at first but then I realised I could enjoy myself and thought…it would have been waay worse if he was there.
– turning up to parties and events on my own, pushed me out of my comfort zone and has given me the opportunity to meet new people.

Around three months since D day but I don’t think that’s bad going!

KarenE
KarenE
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChris

ChumpChris, don’t spend Xmas alone! Spend it with other people who care about you, or go serve a holiday meal at a homeless shelter or some other place filled w/people, where you can give of yourself.

It’ll still feel weird, but Christmas should be about caring, and that you can have WAY better than with your ex!

ChumpChris
ChumpChris
6 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Hi Karen, thanks for the concern. You know, i’ve never been a big Xmas person. My family is a bag of spanners, my parents bugger off to the Caribbean for the winter, my siblings are, well, my siblings. We stopped doing xmas years ago because we all argued too much.

When I got together with my STBX, I really embraced the Danish Xmas, and it was something different and special that i’d never really experienced before. I really enjoyed it, but a big part of the enjoyment was doing it for my partner, since she loves Xmas. Last year we stayed in the UK rather than traveled, and I cooked a whole 12 course Danish Xmas lunch for all of our friends, but again. something I did because I knew it was special to her. I know I said i’m dreading it slightly but in a strange way i’m looking forward to not having to travel, not having to cook, not doing anything to make someone else happy (though, it’s not like I didn’t enjoy it), but rather spending some time with myself. I’m one of those people very happy in their own company. 🙂 I am sure I will be just fine.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChris

We, the kids and I, are planning on Iceland. Something absolutely different and it will still be polar vortex cold like home.

New life, new traditions.

Thea
Thea
6 years ago

I also did something symbolic. First thing after he left what is now MY house, I bought a new recliner chair for my living room. It is one he NEVER would have approved of or allowed because the fabric is patterned and mostly a rusty red with browns. But mostly reds! He would have hated it, but I love it. Every time I look at that chair I feel happy and remember how much better life is now I no longer stress about what he will/ won’t like. No more walking on eggshells!

I also cleaned all his crap out of the house, sold a ton of stuff on kijiji and eBay ( made a good pile of money) , and gave a truckload to Value Village. Rearranged the master bedroom and took over the entire walk-in closet for myself and both dressers!

Bought new dishes too and kitchen towels and accessories ( cause he took his 1/2) but bought everything new in RED, my happy freedom color!

unicornomore
unicornomore
6 years ago
Reply to  Thea

Doing stuff I know he would have hated me doing was so freeing…I spent 26 damn years trying to make him happy it was SO good to do what the fuck I wanted

I am the chump
I am the chump
6 years ago

I drew a picture of X on a flat rock then threw it into the ocean. My sister and I picked a spot of water that was next to a freeway, so it was loud. The pier we threw it off of is in a part of the city that isn’t particularly clean. The view from that stretch of water is industrial and there are a few oil tanks off in the distance. At low tide, the area smells pretty badly. I love to think about how much X would hate that spot. I took a picture of the view and that is what appears with his name on my phone.

Soaring
Soaring
6 years ago
Reply to  I am the chump

The description of this awful spot made me laugh! Awesome.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago

My ritual started early. When reconciling I had 2 redlines. 1) No lies of any kind 2) No seeing or communicating of any kind even “accidentally.” She made it 4 months. I lawyered up, got a plan together and began implementation.
My ritual was a hobby. For me an athletic one. It brings new people into my life and gives my day structure even when it’s been hard at home (in house separation, fucking ducks).

ChumpChris
ChumpChris
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Yes! I forgot about that in my comment above, but I’ve started hitting the gym religiously. During the first month, I would often hit 5pm feeling wretched and insecure, go to the Gym, and leave feeling awesome, and that feeling would carry me for the next couple of days till the next visit.

DunChumpin
DunChumpin
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChris

Thanks for your agreement. I think this can often be triggering for many here because it reminds us either losing weight or whatever pick me type of shit we did, but getting over that was one of the best decisions I’ve made. It’s about me. It’s really my time and something I bond with the kids over too as they participate in kids versions.

ChumpChris
ChumpChris
6 years ago
Reply to  DunChumpin

Exactly that, it’s not about my shape and i’m sure as crap not doing it for her, it’s about the release of endorphins from exercise and the help focusing the mind. I personally found physical activity gave me a mental break from the self torture, and a nice little positive uptick of brain chemicals.

Chumpelstiltkin
Chumpelstiltkin
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChris

The Gym absolutely.
I started to crawl into a bottle after DDay, decided the hell with that.
Hit the gym 6 days a week, nice to be around other people even though I just listen to podcasts while work out, but I always leave centered and grounded.

And after a month of that feeling great and getting some tone back.

ChumpChris
ChumpChris
6 years ago

Podcasts also utterly invaluable. I would listen in the gym, take long walks and listen on those. Listen on the bus. Lots of stuff to just have some voices around and to fill the void left by not having another person around. +1 for podcasts.

Dan
Dan
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChris

“The iron never lies to you. Friends may come and go but two hundred pounds is always two hundred pounds.” – Henry Rollins

Lady b
Lady b
6 years ago
Reply to  ChumpChris

Same I discovered my inner yoga nerd!

txmmw
txmmw
6 years ago

I did not keep the house as he brought his girlfriend to play in our house with while I was on vacation. He didn’t understand. I moved to an apartment and took only the spare bedroom some of my family pictures and some kitchen appliances. I left all his memories behind. I bought new furniture for my apartment and decorated my way. Ex would never spend any money on new furniture as ours was 20 years old so I left all the old stuff behind including him. Everything in my apartment is mine and I love it!!

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
6 years ago

We had one of those frames at our wedding that everyone signs and I had our engagement photo mounted in it and it hung in our bedroom.

The morning after he announced he was moving out, I took it down from wall and put it out to the curb with the trash while he was showering for work. He saw it as he pulled away from the house to go to work and texted me “WHY?”… I responded… “WHY NOT?”

I still picked me danced for almost a year, but looking back, it was an early sign of my burgeoning mightiness. Sometimes we have to fake it – or just take ultra bold moves to ignite it… but we are all mighty on the inside. It is in there. We have to give ourselves permission to get angry and let it out.

Since then, I’ve burned sage in every room. I’ve changed the furniture in 3 rooms, redid a bathroom, installed a patio, bought a new car (over 3 rooms) and I take the kids on great annual vacations. Funny thing, always felt broke when I was married. I have less household income now, but seem to have more money than ever. Funny that.

ChumpChris
ChumpChris
6 years ago
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