Why Isn’t She HAPPY Now?
His wife cheated and left him to find happiness, so why isn’t she happy? Why did she blow up his world if she was just going to be unhappy anyway?
***
Hi Chump Lady,
So my wife had an affair and after being found out asked for a trial separation. She said she had been “struggling with her feelings for me”, that whilst I was a great dad and someone she admired, she had changed and we had “drifted apart”. Yadda yadda yadda. I told her to make it permanent since she evidently didn’t want to save our marriage. She at least had the humanity to agree.
So here’s the thing: She said, although it was hard to see me so hurt by her actions, she couldn’t allow my reaction to “emotionally blackmail” her.
Here was her logic:
- The fact she cheated must mean she wasn’t happy in the marriage (she couldn’t actually come up with anything I’d done wrong).
- If she wasn’t happy in the marriage, then she would only make the kids and I miserable and she’d just keep trying to cheat.
- Ergo, it was better we separated so she could at least be happy with her Twu Luv and I could be happy with someone else. (Not that she had much choice at that point, what with me saying “no more cake”).
Within a fortnight her Schmoopie had left his wife too. True Love Rejoice! They could finally date each other properly!
So why is it, three months later, I find our Switzerland Friends are sending her pity presents? That they are concerned because Drifting Wife is Suffering So Much.
I never got pity presents.
I never got cards saying, “You’ll get through it, Chump!”
I’m sorry, but didn’t someone say they wanted out because they were unhappy? And that getting out and being with their Twu Luv would take them straight up the road to Happysville? That’s the Perfectly Reasonable Argument, yeah? And, the kicker is, by all accounts they’re still all loved up with each other. Her Schmoopie’s chump tells me he can’t stop blathering on about her (she’s stuck living with him at the moment, sadly). I’m pretty sure crushing reality will emerge one day, but it hasn’t yet.
Am I being unreasonable to want to shout:
“HOW DARE YOU BE MISERABLE!!”?
I mean, she chose this outcome. She nuked our family, and that of her Twu Luv’s, because they could not bear to be unhappy. And yet, not only is she not happy, she’s apparently even more unhappy.
My brain would hurt if it wasn’t so furious.
Yours,
Billy-No-Presents
****
Dear Billy,
Ah yes, the If-You-Didn’t-Want-to-Go-to-Chicago-Why’d-You-Get-on-the-Train? dilemma.
I must go to Chicago! Only in Chicago will all my dreams come true! I have purchased a one-way ticket to Chicago! I have boarded the train! Behold as I embark on an epic journey of self-discovery! Farewell, losers! (Throws glitter to the masses.)
(Trains stops in Chicago.)
CHICAGO?!
It’s maddening.
You’re a chump, so you assume people who board trains to Chicago want to go to Chicago. And that people who leave their marriages to pursue Greater Happiness were unhappy and desired happiness. But the goal was never Chicago — which is a real place, with sights and smells and subzero gusts off frozen lakes — it was impression management. The promise of Somewhere Different. Of easy change without hard work. Of how one looks on the train platform in a fedora. Dashing? Mysterious? A star in one’s own biopic? But then the train actually leaves and deposits them.
And suddenly the reality of Chicago isn’t at all as it appeared in the brochures. It’s cold there. It smells like a stockyard. And they kind of miss Loserville. Chicago doesn’t make hotdogs the same as Loserville. And the taxes were lower in Loserville…
Couldn’t they just ask themselves why they got on a train to Chicago? No. That’s too honest. Instead, they feel dissatisfaction through the lens of injustice. Were they unhappy in Loserville? I’m sure that was your fault. Well, there’s unhappiness sometimes in Chicago too. Heads must roll.
So they start looking at other train schedules and deny they ever really intended to go to Chicago. It just happened.
How they discuss The Chicago Decision really just depends on the audience — and what they need from that person. To love them? To go away? Or try harder to please them? To give them pretty presents?
Charm?
OMG, I’m so fabulous to be living in Chicago! It’s been a journey of EPIC self-discovery and I bought a snow globe! Follow me on Instagram!
Rage?
How DARE you judge me for going to Chicago! That bad man made me buy a ticket! I was kidnapped! Forced against my will to board that train!
Self-pity?
I am so sad and alone. A little puddle of sadness on the shores of Lake Michigan. How did I get here? Won’t someone buy me a pierogie?
See how that works?
So why is it, three months later, I find our Switzerland Friends are sending her pity presents? That they are concerned because Drifting Wife is Suffering So Much.
The easy answer is because they’re fuckwits who don’t share your values. (Hey, public service announcement — people who cheat on their spouses and abandon their children do not deserve gift baskets!)
But also understand, you’re not the only one she mindfucks. Mindfuckery is her basic operating system.
And of all the channels on mindfuck TV (rage, charm, self-pity), self-pity is the most powerful.
Most people, especially chumps, are disarmed by self-pity. It can be hard to distinguish distress (Oh no! Someone’s in crisis! I must help!) from self-pity. (“I has a sadz.”) Self-pity is deflection from one’s own terrible choices. It’s not very deep as introspection goes, and its basic message is TAKE CARE OF ME! I CANNOT ADULT!
But as manipulation goes, it has hooks. The chump or Swiss friend or innocent bystander who swoops in can tell themselves they’re a hero who has a hanky/can save the day/has money to loan/can fix this just-stop-crying!
Fact is, a lot of people don’t stand back and look at the big pictures through the lens of basic moral values. They wonder how’d they look in a cape.
I never got pity presents. I never got cards saying, “You’ll get through it, Chump!”
You know why, Billy? Because you’re STRONG. And you’re not manipulative. Because you’re probably reacting to this adversity with private suffering and stiff-upper-lip-ishness. You’re doing things, like caring for your children and I hope calling a divorce lawyer.
And where fuckwits see strength and competence, they think “Hmm, Billy can’t be suffering that much.” And they also think, thanks to your cheater’s narrative, “Billy is the Bad Man who made Ms. Sadz unhappy!”
Ergo, no presents for Billy.
So Billy, here’s your gift — Freedom. It’s monogrammed and everything.
Quit untangling her skein, if she’s happy or unhappy, or registering over at Sparkletwats R US. The woman just isn’t that deep. “Unhappiness” doesn’t make you lift wallets or cheat on your family — lousy character does.
You’re getting her out of your life. Yea! That freedom looks good on you. Wear it proudly.
“Here’s your gift — Freedom. It’s monogrammed and everything.” YES!!!!! It’s worth more than anything else. Is she happy? Miserable? Who cares???? It’s not your circus anymore. You are OUT.
But here’s why your stbx is unhappy – she thought EXTERNAL things would solve her problems. But the problem was and is HER. Wherever you go, there you are.
The same happened with my exFW. He thought OW would solve his deep unhappiness. Clearly it was MY fault he was miserable. It was MY fault he hadn’t achieved his goals and dreams. It was MY fault he felt badly about himself. It was MY fault he had no money. So he left for a woman who flattered him and thought the sun shone out his ass. They’d had an affair for four years (lying to me the whole time) and they were finally out in the open and moving in together and it was all going to be wonderful.
Except it wasn’t. It never had been. FW moved in with her, and realized he was still broke, unhappy, and working a job he didn’t like that much (that job was also going to “solve everything” because obviously it was his LAST job that was making him miserable…). They fought constantly, they didn’t have enough money (because he was bad with money, not because they didn’t have good incomes), OW expected FW to pull his weight with childcare, housework is a thing, etc. FW was still who he was, which was an abusive, angry, depressed, miserable alcoholic. Except now, instead of a having a faithful, responsible spouse (me) managing things for him, he had a flighty, mentally unstable, highly anxious, much younger, alcoholic, cheating woman as his “partner”. Three kids instead of one. Her ex husband. Two custody schedules that didn’t always align to give them child-free sexy time. Legal bills for his divorce. The list goes on. He took his misery out on OW and she left him, three whole WEEKS after they set up their “happy” home and blended family. Even before they moved in together, it wasn’t all sunshine and roses. OW had tried to kill herself (she survived). They had an oops pregnancy and got an abortion, which damaged OW’s mental health. My son would report that daddy had kept him awake because he was on the phone screaming at OW. But FW and OW still thought the other was the answer to all their problems. OW said she left her husband because he was controlling and emotionally abusive. She jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire by getting with my husband.
FW just never connected the dots that it was his abusive treatment of me that cooled my romantic feelings for him. You can’t call your wife fat, stupid, and ugly and then be surprise she doesn’t want to have sex with you as much (especially if you never even apologize to her). You can’t corner her and scream in her face, throw furniture at her, break her belongings, and wonder why she doesn’t hold your hand anymore. Even when OW left for the same reasons, his response was “all women are crazy” and “why are these women both falsely accusing me of DV?” No personal responsibility whatsoever.
Happiness comes from within, and I think cheaters never understand this. That’s why they have affairs in the first place – thinking a change of scenery, or a fling on the side, or a new “honeymoon” phase – will solve their problems. Make them feel less trapped, less stagnant, more vital, younger, happier, whatever. It doesn’t work. And so they are miserable people still.
My ex couldn’t take it, and took his own life. He never thought about changing his behavior, making amends, repairing what he’d broken, getting therapy. He blamed circumstances and other people to his dying breath.
Im sorry for your one child that he took his life. Beyond that Godspeed to better things.
They always blame others for their behavior. That is the hallmark of entitlement and narcissism. I did the pick me dance for about 3 years and mine always kept making excuses for what he did and kept saying, “I’m not doing anything wrong now! Why can’t you just focus on that?” He would not admit that his past behavior (his infidelity) predicts future behavior, especially since he not only cheated on me, but he cheated on his first wife too, and admitted he’d cheated on his girlfriends in high school and college too! Of course, for 26.5 years he promised me he’d never do that to me because he loved me and the kids. I believed them until he showed me who he really was. Maya Angelou “When people show you who they are, believe them!”
Exactly cheaters suck let them go and move forward!🌷
One thing that stands out to me from this very sad story is that your ex was on a downhill slide from alcohol alone. As someone who was married to a dedicated, lifelong alcoholic, I learned that their judgment can be so impaired by alcohol that they are literally delusional. Their executive functioning is often highly compromised. And the cheating may come out of the fact that as the addiction progresses, they prefer other addicts to their sober enablers. I’m sorry your ex committed suicide; that’s a kind of desperate last abusive act, leaving behind so much damage.
He was also addicted to prescription pain killers, though he would be furious if it was ever suggested (somehow he always managed to have another “accident” right when his last prescription was running out).
In the end it was sleeping pills and scotch that killed him. He’d been trying unsuccessfully to end his life for months. He’d severely damamged his body. It didn’t even take all that much in the end to do him in. He left a long note where he made himself out to be a victim of everyone and everything, dying a martyr to circumstance.
“FW just never connected the dots that it was his abusive treatment of me that cooled my romantic feelings for him”
One would think that should be SO obvious. Scream at me, criticize me, do nothing to help me with any of the workload and then you cheat and claim it was because you weren’t feeling adored. Well, I ran myself ragged while tip toeing over eggshells for a few decades. I was too exhausted to make sure your inordinately large ego was well fed. And god knows I was not feeling adored myself, yet it would never of crossed my mind to cheat.
I also do have concerns that mine will end his life too. I don’t want that to happen, but I also know if it does, it will not be my fault. I really think that when we actually GET to the divorce, and he has the freedom he so desperately wants, he will realize that he blew his life up for nothing. I don’t think he will regret losing ME (well other than him having to do his own laundry/errands/cleaning etc). I just know that I am actually NOT the cause of his unhappiness. But he won’t know that until he gets to the other side of all this. He’ll be the same unhappy person, but more isolated, and less financially stable. Being free to date can’t possibly live up to what his imagination has promised him.
Intimacy requires openess.
Cheaters are never honest, so by definition, are never open. It will never dawn on a cheater why they will always lack intimacy. They will just keep blaming the chump.
You certainly did see the light! A fine synopsis of the FW story with specific examples but can applied universally. I’m years out but this story, with different details, is my story and it would have made a world a difference if I understood then what you are sharing. This is a public service announcement to all new chumps – thanks ISawTheLight
Fern, I came here to say pretty much the same thing, but your eloquent comment is just perfect. I’m in total agreement.
I’m a bit confused by the letter writer’s narrative, though things are often unclear at only three months out. Sounds like the FW wife got the separation she wanted. Her AP’s living arrangement is unclear. No mention of where children are living. Is it in a hastily arranged rental with their mother? Is that the reason for the “presents”?
Presumably, it’s more sorted out now. A good reminder that FW’s happiness is not relevant when making decisions following betrayal. That also means there is no need to keep their secrets from family, close friends or lawyers.
Hi I’m the original poster and can clarify: when we split I moved into a flat 10 minutes away whilst she stayed in the family home (we mutually agreed this would be best for the kids). I took the kids 40% of the time as I was keen to coparent as much as possible (I worked full time, she didn’t). In a way, I felt this worked out very well for her, as she got to split her time being a full time mum with having free child care for a few nights to be dating schmoopy.
He moved in during the pandemic and has stayed there ever since. In fairness my kids like him which, whilst shit sandwich for me, is better than the alternative of them living with someone who they can’t stand.
But yeah… it added to the sense, at the time, of “everyone is adapting to suit your needs yet you’re the victim why??”
It seemed clear to me. Billy states that AP’s original wife was stuck living with AP still (when this post was first written). Who knows if he’ll actually ever leave.
If FW can’t furnish her own place, I guess she should’ve thought about that before she blew up two families.
This is a very timely. I just got a whole blame shifting email from FWex yesterday. His life is ruined and it is all my fault! They all have the same playbook, and I am sure there are multiple chapters that go into detail on how to play the sad sausage and blame the chump. He made his choices and he did what he wanted. I did not have a choice in it or agency. I have no blame in his decisions.
It is never their fault. I also like how they think their life will improve without the chump (in my case he also got no contact from his son) and then it doesn’t give them the happiness he thought. One of his mantras during divorce was how he deserves to be happy at this point in his life. Well he supposedly got rid of the problems that held him back but why isn’t he happy? I guess he has to live with himself and look at himself in the mirror.
I don’t know if cheaterX is happy nor DO I CARE. He has a million shallow friends that think he is cute and funny. I did too years ago. But when my Swiss friends come over to tell me of cheaters new found happiness with OW/ wife ..I tell them however happy he is…multiple that by a billion for how happy I am flying solo without a liar, BLAME THROWER,infectious disease transplant manager and cake eater extreme. Not my circus not my elephants. Be happy cheater but leave me outside your chaotic rodeo! The Swiss friends just melt away into X friends by my direct answer..good bye.. Chump lady has helped me with ALL my answers and has kept me 💪 on cheater tactics & play book. Always grateful 🙏 always.
Oh, the FW’s happiness! It’s central to all of our chumpy lives. We accommodate and accommodate and still, it usually seems to be the reason they cheat. My FW kept repeating that he realized how unhappy he was and didn’t he deserve to be happy?? Maybe if he’d said something before embarking on 7 YEARS of cheating we could’ve done something about it. But no, he finally confessed because he wasn’t as happy as he should’ve been and now he’s confessed so he should be delirious, no? Weirdly, he seems more depressed than ever. I.DO.NOT.CARE. I care about my happiness and our daughter’s happiness. Two things that never crossed his mind while he was out sleeping with everyone to find his own depraved version of happiness.
During the divorce my FW kept saying “it’s my turn to be a little selfish for a change,” which was jaw-dropping, considering that EVERYTHING in our almost 40-year relationship had been centered around his preferences and needs.
At the conclusion of legal proceedings, he proclaimed he was going to “win me back.”
This is not a game, and I am not an object.
FW blew up our lives because he couldn’t let go of Schmoopie, so I said, “Go. Be free!”
FW’s new life with Schmoopie didn’t work out – quelle surprise! I imagine it’s because she saw behind his mask and figured she’d be better off running back to her husband and children. OW’s husband had told me that he was going to fight for her, so I guess he won the pick me dance. It’s sad that his reward is living the remainder of his marriage under the cloud of betrayal trauma.
FW, alone and middle-aged, is apparently, very unhappy. Seeming to believe that I’d be delighted to be his backup plan, he’s reaching out to me with invitations for “just a cup of coffee”& “how about a friendly dinner.”
Oh FFS 🤦🏽♀️ The delusion, the entitlement!
I’ve been following an artist on TikTok @alanahdontwanna who is rewriting church music with therapeutic words. Each day I sing her song:
I love my life
And I celebrate
How much I’ve grown since I walked away
I take up space
And I choose my steps
All of me is beautiful
And I deserve rest
https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTR7f91g6/
🥰🥰🥰
“FW, alone and middle-aged, is apparently, very unhappy. Seeming to believe that I’d be delighted to be his backup plan, he’s reaching out to me with invitations for “just a cup of coffee”& “how about a friendly dinner.””
Oh lord, I got the same after schmoopie left him (she, too, eventually saw behind the mask and RAN for the hills). When I’d drop off my son, FW would invite me to stay for a barbeque, or he’d invite me to go bowling with them. I declined every offer. Why, oh why, would I want to do any of that with my abusive, cheating ex? But I’m sure he was surprised I didn’t want him back (I did pick-me dance in the beginning, but then once I got hard evidence of the affair, I detached emotionally from him, and found happiness on my own). I guess he thought I’d wait around for him forever. LOL.
Wow, this video is spectacular!!! Thanks so much for sharing it!
My ex was absolutely gobsmacked that our divorce did not immediately result in his absolute joy. A friend once told me it was because “No matter where he goes, there he is”. It is likely also why I was able to be happy again, and marry again, and find happiness. Because I wasn’t looking for it outside myself. Yeah, my husband is part of my happiness, but he isn’t my source of happiness.
My ex has had a string of “relationships”, including one engagement he managed to completely sabotage, but never seems to have found his “happiness”. Our child turns 18 in a couple of years and I don’t have to even entertain a single message from him again after that. I used to think it would be a day of celebration about that for me, but really, I just don’t care. At 50, I highly doubt he’ll ever figure it all out but it is no longer my concern. I’m busy being engulfed in a life I’ve built for myself and my family.
Sparkletwats R Us 🤣 I’ve always watched the “weeping females” get taken to dinner, brought casseroles, and shored up with happy hour cocktails; while I was always told “you’re strong we know that you’ll get through it”. It can be unfair because sometimes I would like a casserole too. I finally realized that I needed to tell people straight up “hey I could really use a casserole right now”. It’s more refreshing & honest than being passive & manipulative (which I’m sure is your ex-wife’s approach). Learning to speak up for your needs is a big part of slaying FWs too!!
I actually had one Switzerland friend tell me it was my fault my husband left me, I wasn’t giving it up enough, he was such a sad sausage, etc. Then he ended up crashing on THEIR couch and she started complaining about how him being there was causing issues in HER marriage. They divorced within a year and she ate some serious crow, but yeah, I never got the casserole. I’m good with that. I got the life. 🙂
That’s not a Switzerland friend, they’ve chosen a side
Also adding, that’s not a Switzerland friend. Having the audacity to tell you it was your fault your husband left you? That’s more like Vichy France
“I never got the casserole…I got the life.”
As a person who has spent her whole life as “the strong one” people count on, the person who just gets on with it and does the things that have to be done because, you know, what other choice is there, and who, like “Never Again,” has sometimes wanted someone to just bring me a casserole, I needed to read this sentiment, and I will store it up and remember it.
This bunch of Switzerland friends were not his friends. She had poisoned their minds for years about how unhappy she had been. Their pity gifts come from believing the lies. She moans about guilt. Generally speaking I think cheaters are chronic whiners who will never be satisfied.
This is magnificent!
Billy! Send us an update! Hope you’re living the dream of a fuckwit-free life!
It has been my experience that people who are unhappy have the choice to blame someone else, or to become self -aware of why they are “always” unhappy. If the unhappiness comes from within, they have to make changes. It is so much easier to blame someone else for all your problems and unhappiness.
I am not saying that being around someone who is toxic will ever lead to your happiness. I am saying you have a choice to leave the toxic person behind. If I am unhappy with my job, I can examine my reasons for unhappiness. If it is the actual work, and I feel the desire to do another kind of work, I must be qualified for that work, and it must be available. If it is the toxic personalities I work with, my only escape is to leave those personalities. I must be the one to determine if I am ready and able to change jobs. Those things can generally be fixed. I cannot fix a toxic personality. I can search for a way to leave the personality behind. Self-awareness leads to self-actualization. It is doubtful your situation will miraculously change without any effort on your part.
It is not your job to worry about why another person is unhappy. That is their job. Let them be responsible for their own happiness. I am sure you have plenty of other tasks that need your attention.
Portia, my therapist and I talked about this ‘unhappiness’ syndrome in relation to my mother. I identified my mother as a profoundly unhappy woman from a young age (which I’m told I would have been able to do from day 1 on the planet). Inevitably the ex was unhappy in himself in the same way as my mother. I’m a profoundly happy person. Both my mother and the ex consistently blame/blamed others for their unhappiness. My therapist explains this as you do. She says that they carry such significant wounds to their egos that they physically cannot bring themselves to the point where they look at how they contribute to and cause their unhappiness. They know the truth in a deep part of themselves. But looking at that truth is too painful because it involves probing the original wound. They can’t face that pain even for a long term gain. In my therapist’s experience, very few people who consistently blame and condemn others for their own failings ever look at the wound. They carry on blaming others, and they quickly believe what they tell themselves because it’s their defence against the world. It works for them internally at a shallow level, so they do it again, and again. The learned behaviour becomes part of the character. It becomes who they are. The unhappiness is the deep part of themselves which is niggling away saying ‘you’re not right’. That’s another wound to the ego, and the cycle goes on. How could you ever be happy in those circumstances. It is a horrible way to live. A red flag for me now is when I say to myself ‘I want to make you happy’, which I said throughout the 26 years of marriage and 63 years of life. I have to stop, and remind myself that I can’t heal anyone else’s wound. I’m responsible for healing my wound. If I make progress with that, I will be more consistently happy.
Relatives on both sides of my family tree have significant indicators for depression and alcoholism and several types of cancer. My dad’s side also contributes diabetes and weak bones. They were working class folks, who had to physically work hard to survive. Maybe their cultural problems made them more susceptible to those diseases. Maybe it was their attitude toward life. Oddly, there were few who complained. Most of them just got up every day expecting to work until it was time for bed. They were content to have a roof over their heads and food in their stomachs. They never talked about being happy.
My parents went to school and became teachers. They also had a strong work ethic that they passed on to their children. Neither of them ever seemed happy about anything. They expected to work, they provided for their family, but nothing the children did was ever enough. Nothing they achieved themselves was ever enough. They didn’t blame other people most of the time, but they were not really self-aware either. Neither was willing to define what it would take to make them happy, and then work towards that goal. Both would set goals for work, or goals for security, but not for happiness.
Discontent seemed normal to me. Dysfunction seemed normal to me. But somehow, some way, I developed hope and the desire to be happy. When I realized I was unhappily married, I looked for ways to make things better (fix it). I examined my parents and FOO attitudes, and decided I wanted change in my life. I was willing to work on myself and my goals. When I discovered I was a chump, I decided my marriage was something I could do without, and when I was chumped again, I decided I could do without marriage. All along the way I worked on ways to make myself happy, peaceful, content, and ultimately joyful. I believe in the Pursuit of Happiness. I don’t blame other people for my problems, but I did learn other people can cause problems I can live without.
I think you should praise your attitude and revel in your learned wisdom! Don’t worry about past mistakes, or your age. You don’t become wise without experience, and you don’t get experience without aging. You have learned some great truths, and you want to be happy. Bravo! Well done!
I actually spent my first years with my current therapist working on learning how to be happy. That also involved learning how to manage emotion in general–being aware of what I was feeling in the moment, learning to attach that feeling to what I was responding to, and finally learning that no emotional state is forever. Now, I’m not talking here about clinical issues like depression (which I am also prone to) but rather how to notice moments of joy (hey, look at those geese overhead! Or how great is it that I have a moment to walk outside in the sunshine?). Part of that work for me was learning to be grateful, even when things look bleak and (as the great country songwriter Pat Green wrote) “troubles pile up big in your own backyard.”
For me, I got to a happy life by living in the moment as much as possible, by taking control of my own emotional infrastructure, and by practicing gratitude. There may be other paths, but my own therapist encouraged me to pay attention, to notice those happy moments–and eventually to notice what Is “happy” for me.
And THIS is why I read here every day, years after my (at the time) traumatic divorce. Thank you both, portia and Mighty Warrior, for your words of wisdom and revelation. I get multiple phone calls daily from two chronically unhappy family members who are constantly ruminating on their perceived misery. After decades of constantly hearing the same old gripes, I finally limited each caller to three minutes of carping followed by a mandatory feel-good grateful comment. Hoping they will skip the griping isn’t realistic, but my insistence on the required good news has made me dread their calls much, much less. Not hopeful that they’ll miraculously become sunshiny personalities, but at least I’ve taken action and am now controlling how much I participate in their abysmally negative energy.
Thank you, Portia.
“…people who cheat on their spouses and abandon their children do not deserve gift baskets!”
Send this to my x! He feels 100% deserving of pity. He’s somehow incapable of appreciating that the one who tossed the grenade can’t complain that there was an explosion.
I knew that man for over 35 years and would bet money that he is still standing there, holding the pin, and feeling sorry for himself because he thinks he’s being unfairly punished for simply “falling in love” and “wanting to be happier.”
But relying on an externals for happiness and to fend off his internal demons may have backfired. He was willing to lose me (obvi), but he traded in his entire family and most of his friends for this much-younger AP. I wonder if it was worth it.
No doubt his internal demons remain.
Oof. I’m almost tempted to send him a gift basket.
Last words I said to ex when he came by 2 days after divorce decree was signed to pick up the last of his crap, “I just hope in the end that this was all worth it to you.” He sheepishly walked away. I have no idea if it was worth it as that was almost 11 years ago. I did learn through the grapevine that the OWhore dumbed him right after dday but that he when on to marry a woman who wasn’t born when we married.
You should send it to yourself because you deserve the gift basket.
Thanks, Fern.🤗 🧺
In my experience the character disordered are never happy with anything for long. A car/house/job/spouse. The lustre comes off and they start yet another search for the next ‘big thing’.
In the meanwhile they scapegoat other, and play the victim.
My ex left over five years ago to live many states away, and there are still two people I have occasional contact with who are all about what “a poor soul” he is and ask me about his well-being. Note that these two people also haven’t been at all in contact with him (I’ve asked), so the question is indeed a bit odd. These were not people we were close to. They knew that the situation was devastating to me but remain on his team — yes, despite not having any contact with him at all. The divorce was final just before the pandemic. I haven’t been part of a couple in a long time.
I came to realize that they have their own significant issues and keep them at arm’s length. In many ways, those who are close to me drastically changed post-divorce anyway. The people I have coffee with, celebrate birthdays with, and who text me that they miss me when I’m out of town are all post-divorce friends.
Yes, things change.
I have met a few acquaintances like this. I think it’s strange that they seem to want to show how “caring” they are by asking about the XH but in reality they are dimwits who don’t realize that a divorce is devastating to everyone in the family. I don’t need to satisfy their curiosity. That’s all it really is – curiosity, and they are exceptionally impolite to ask ME about how he’s doing. As if he was my loving husband and was in the hospital with pneumonia!
“Most people, especially chumps, are disarmed by self-pity. It can be hard to distinguish distress (Oh no! Someone’s in crisis! I must help!) from self-pity. (“I has a sadz.”) Self-pity is deflection from one’s own terrible choices. It’s not very deep as introspection goes, and its basic message is TAKE CARE OF ME! I CANNOT ADULT!”
It is flat out stunning, just how very much I needed this message today, this very second. Just so incredibly timely. And not even in regards to an intimate relationship.
Chumps (many of us) still have a chump button that can get pushed, especially in tough times, no matter how much wisdom we gain or how mighty we’ve become. It’s a constant maintenance issue, lifelong.
I was making the right choices, but I lacked the self-supporting conviction I needed to feel
that sense of reasonableness that counteracts the constant soul-crushing second guessing so many of us know so well. This paragraph, in this time and place, is a balm to my soul.
Thanks, CL.
This is why I read every day even though my divorce was well over a decade ago and I have a happy life now.
Yes, this site and the people who come and go, as well as the long-timers, is really a kind of graduate school for healthy life.
Here’s an experiment: the next time someone starts a self-pity Woe Is Me routine where it’s clear their own choices are in play, calmly ask them “wow, that’s rough. What do you think you’re going to do about that?”
Watch how quickly the channel shifts to rage.
Just a thought, but if B-N-P’s Ex cheated because she was unhappy, and left him because she was unhappy and – shock horror – is still unhappy …. then perhaps his Ex should consider that she was the problem all along? But we all know that this won’t happen, because Cheaters are always short on self-examination.
B-N-P should remind himself that his Ex’s happiness is a “her problem” not a “him problem.”
LFTT
Message to all Chumps: you are entitled to have your ‘reactions’, and to express them, regardless of whether cheaters appreciate your ‘reactions’ and the expression of them or not. If they feel at risk of being ‘emotionally blackmailed’ by your reactions, that’s their problem to resolve with themselves. I am heartily sick of cheaters telling Chumps how they ‘should’ react, feel, express themselves, behave and so on, ad infinitum. Ex said that I made ‘other people feel very, very uncomfortable’. This was said to make me behave in a different way, to lose confidence in myself, to make life easier for him. It’s manipulation. You can’t cheat without manipulating a situation, second by second, to help you achieve your objective whatever the twisted idea of an objective in a cheater’s head might be. ‘Manipulation’ means ‘exercising unscrupulous control or influence over a person or situation’. Note that word ‘unscrupulous’. They lie; that’s manipulation. They will stop at nothing to get what they want; that’s manipulation. Billy was showing his cheater the door. She didn’t want to be shown the door so quickly and easily, so she tries some advanced manipulation by telling Billy what he means by his reaction and what she cannot allow to happen. This is unsettling because Chumps are characterised by fairness. They stop to think, ‘am I possibly emotionally blackmailing the cheater’ and they change their behaviour if they decide that they are (which they will because Chumps always blame themselves first). UNHAPPY CHEATER , BILLY DOESN’T CARE ABOUT YOU AND HE WANTS YOU TO LEAVE NOW! IS THAT CLEAR ENOUGH FOR YOU.
Found this on reactive abuse from Insider.com
What is ‘reactive abuse’
“Reactive abuse,” aka self-defense, is a term used to describe the behavior when a victim of abuse reacts to their abuse in a self-defensive way.
The victim might scream, say insults, or even physically harm their abuser, says Elizabeth Jarquin, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice and adjunct professor at Northcentral University.
The point here is that the victim is not instigating the abuse, they have reached a breaking point and are reacting to prolonged abuse.
I understand the reaction to the actual abuser. But what if the victim with RA starts abusing another person who did not harm them? I’m thinking about child abuse, or domestic violence, or lashing out at siblings. They perpetuate the original abuse, and don’t even seem to realize that the monster has consumed them and they are now the monster. At what point do they self-assess and take corrective action? Or, is it even possible for them to learn a new behavior if they have reached a breaking point?
I can understand the influences that create the problems and that it may well have a genetic link. But they have to become self-aware and choose to stop the abuse. In this case, I think it may be flight or fight, and in all likelihood, flight is ultimately better for them.
Chumps shouldn’t assume ‘happiness’ based upon the longevity of the FW’S relationship. After all character does matter. A teenaged adult (man child) paired with an explosive AP with a long arrest record isn’t bliss; it’s karma. Long live that pairing.
It’s been over 8 years and the oneness of a serial cheater with a bar ho alienated adult children and grand children. At some point the audience disappears and they are stuck in the grave they dug.
He will ALWAYS be a serial cheater and she will ALWAYS alienate healthy adults with her abrasive abuse. Freedom is bliss.
“At some point the audience disappears and they are stuck in the grave they dug.”
Love this!
Who in the hell gives pity presents to people who, of their own free will and for the sake of so-called happiness, leave their spouses?
That’s even crazier than being a FW.
Something tells me this FW told her friends a different version of the story than what really happened. Like;
“He kicked me out because he was irrationally jealous of Bob. Bob was just a friend then. After my husband callously threw me in the street, Bob was kind enough to help me out, and so we fell in love.”
Ding ding ding! We have a winner!!!!!
My thoughts exactly. The sympathetic people don’t have the facts.
When your core person is unhappy, and you dont recognize that, instead of focusing on yourself you focus on external stimuli. Thats what narcs do try to fill themselves up with others, and no introspection or self awareness. That would threaten them. The subconscious is in the drivers seat.
I think they can be distracted from unhappines if they are working towards a goal. Like hey once I get married and have kids, I will feel content. Once I get my Phd I will be happy and can really live. I know when I finished my post graduate work and training, I all of a sudden had alot of free time just working, and took me awhile to calm down not be flight or fight to baseline normal life. But I looked around and was happy. I liked my job I liked being married loved my kids. I felt happy and content.
Imagine you worked towards a goal, completed your goal then looked around and felt dissatisfied. You are like Im unhappy. This was supposed to make me feel complete and happy and I dont. So maybe I start moving around alot to try and feel whole. Move jobs, move people, and after few weeks or months the happiness doesnt kick in so you move again. Always seeking, looking for that elusive happiness, contentment. Its like an epic saga. Except that at the end of the story they dont realize the error of their ways they dont look back at the havoc they wreaked burning down villages, and have their AHA ! moment. No realizing the error of their ways.
I would pity them, I have pitied them until they start destroying me and my world and I have MY AHA! moment. Then you realize they are a hopeless case. You gotta let them go. There is no salvation for them. No redemption. They are not normal people.
You just described my ex perfectly.
“People risk everything on the hope that they can achieve joy by changing everything in their lives except themselves. They would like to press a button and have the old life go away and the new life appear. The human animal has an unfortunate tendency to identify the source of any unhappiness as coming from outside itself. The fault, as Cassius informed Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves. Our unhappiness is not in our marriages, but within us. Changing about our lives leaves everything important still the same, because we are the important factors in our lives, and we are the one thing left unchanged.”
-Frank Pittman
Private Lies
(p. 250)
Stick with the winners. If you find out your romantic partner is cheating, you’ve just been given hard proof that they are not a winner.
Side pieces are not winners either, nor is anyone who engages in deceitful harm to others.
Love the Pittman quote. Thanks.
All relationships have issues. There were things I was unhappy about. My responses were to look at myself and talk with him. His responses were to lie, ignore me when I spoke up, maintain a secret double life, or not say anything.
There was no relationship there. There was no chance for a successful marriage. It was a mirage.
I’ve had a therapist in my life since I was 22, both of whom were extremely helpful to me. When we got together, he joined me physically in therapy but evidently chose to behave deceptively in that setting. He was like a childwho doesn’t want to eat but wants to make it LOOK like he’s eating by pushing food around on the plate.
The credibility rating of a cheater is less than zero. This extends to their claims of “unhappiness”, as evidenced by their ongoing presence. There were no locks on the doors, firearms, or restraints keeping him here.
When I am unhappy with a restaurant, I don’t keep going back there.
Blame, as many of us know, is also the number one response from a cheater.
Last night I was watching a program about the Phoenix Sniper, Dale Hausner, local Nice Guy, who had shared custody of his toddler daughter. His arrest floored everyone who knew him. No criminal record whatsoever. One of the detectives said that it’s necessary for a serial killer to be very good at maintaining a double life so they can continue to offend. This is true for cheaters as well. The Nice Guy/Gal is the cover. The lying and cheating tells the tale of who they really are.
I know from experience that vacationing somewhere is very different from living there.
Illicit relationships are an escapist vacation from the real life, and very different experience of a legitimate committed relationship.
A unwitting chump is the most important piece of the construct of an illicit relationship. Without a chump, there is no more forbidden fruit dupers delight dopamine.
The best response is to step aside and let them have real life.
In chess, the Queen has the most power of any piece on the board.
In an illicit relationship, the chump is the most important piece on the board, ironically exercising that power when you exit the game.
“A unwitting chump is the most important piece of the construct of an illicit relationship. Without a chump, there is no more forbidden fruit dupers delight dopamine.”
Great point. It explains why FWs get so angry when you leave them and give them what they supposedly want. It’s a huge let-down for them when the triangle is no more. Of course they are never going to be happy. Real life will always disappoint them.
That chumps are the “most important piece of the construct in an illicit relationship” fascinates me. And I love how VH points out that our true power comes when we exit the game, removing what made the affair so “fun.” A Queen’s Gambit of a different sort.
I’d be interested in learning whether cheaters realize this later one. But I suppose that would require some self-awareness….
Perhaps this is why so many end up cheating again. They want to recapture that frisson of excitement that comes from sneaking around.
I get my thrills in other ways. Recently, my 3 yo granddaughter grabbed my hand and told me she loves me. That’s the best “frisson” there is. ❤️
My daughter is sixteen. She is home from school with COVID. I am recovered and able to get to the grocery store. She called me to tell me she missed me and ask when I would be back. Beyond priceless. Traitor Ex will never get a phone call like that.
But then, he’s the person who cared more about whether the side piece missed him.
In 1995, Asshat was in the military and we were living in Hawaii. We got together with a bunch of other people for Thanksgiving. I brought a sweet potato dish that my mother always made. I was surprised when people were coming back for seconds and it was eaten all up. I remember getting a feeling in my heart when someone gave me a compliment about my cooking. I guess I’d been devalued by Asshat for too long and even a simple acknowledgment felt wonderful. Anyway, this person and I started talking and he eventually looked at me and said “You’re not mean at all. You’re very nice”. And I thought, Asshat must tell everyone what a horrible person I am. Of course, it was later confirmed (in 2012) that he was having an affair during this time.
Asshat has been playing the victim for years. I’m surprised we lasted 25 years. I think it has been a real shock to him that I’m not mean, but he has to maintain the facade. Mrs. Asshat is really the one who’s a demanding witch.
Agree with CL 100%. Asshat jumped on a train and took his character with him (I kinda hope to see him derail one day, but I’m not holding my breath). Good riddance.
“You’re not mean at all. You’re very nice”
WTF. Who says this to someone they don’t even know??
I’m tempted to think this guy was covertly trying to warn you, otherwise his comment is too strange and inappropriate.
Freedom is the most important thing. The freedom we didn’t even realize we were missing, when we were in the clutches of a Fuckwit. They were so charming, or needy, or bossy, we were just trying to get through each day and be loyal! To hell with that, grab your freedom and go.
I think most of these cheaters are narcissists, so once they leave, it can’t work out well, with their nasty outlook on life, and using everyone to boot. And after the presents, and the pity, their friends get sick of their shit, too. At least that’s what happened with mine, your results may vary.
‘Hey, public service announcement — people who cheat on their spouses and abandon their children do not deserve ……..’
Would make a Good Friday challenge
Even without the abandon children part!
“wherever you go, there you are”
Powerful words.
I was side swiped out of FWs life. Replaced by a younger model who he could lie to more easily. I’d always call him out on any blatant bullshit. Shame I wasted time dancing for him. I stopped that as soon as it was all clear to me what he was up to. In the detonation he lost the respect of my adult children. Two out of the three see him…. rarely. The other saw through his facade and called him out on it. He didn’t like it so refused to meet her newborn baby…. bad move on his part because there was no way she was going to engage in the pick me dance. She dropped the rope and walked away. FW tries to manipulate the children against each other, yeah good luck with that!!
I recently heard that while at work FW was punched due to him ‘touching up’ a woman. I guess once the mask slips it hits the floor and smashes. I’m sure he has a 1000 reasons why the woman was mistaken but it brings me back to “wherever you go, there you are”.
Hugs to you all ❤️
OMG, his coworker punched him?? Good for her. I hope he lost teeth.
‘Touching up a woman’ was met with 💥 👊🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
“I was side swiped out of FWs life. Replaced by a younger model who he could lie to more easily. I’d always call him out on any blatant bullshit. Shame I wasted time dancing for him. I stopped that as soon as it was all clear to me what he was up to.”
Exactly this.
Touching up a woman. Gross.
“I guess once the mask slips it hits the floor and smashes.” Yep.I second this. x seems to no longer give a shit. He’s alienated a slew of people, including an accountant, a financial advisor, and his own lawyer. And these are just the ones I know about, and I’m NC. I guess once he realized the jig was up, he stopped pretending and let his furious, I-don’t-give-a-fuck flag fly.
I’m so happy I’m no longer in that disordered person’s orbit. AP won that privilege. #notagbacks
I feel how being strong only gets you rewarded with neglect because “wE tHoUgHt YoU cOuLd HanDlE iT” while playing the victim and turning up the self-pity is seemingly what gets you actual support. It makes it tempting sometimes to throw in the towel and just start whining like a brat.
When this Chump wrote in, he was only 3 months or so into separation. It’s not surprising that he was still laser-focused on the cheater, the flying monkeys around her, and Schmoopie. But Meh (and happiness) comes from getting to the point where we don’t think about the cheater and the people around him or her and instead focus on ourselves, the life we are building, and the people we want to keep in our lives.
That’s one of the hardest things about the aftermath of D-Day. We come face-to-face with the fact that we have “friendships” with people whose values aren’t in align with hours or whose character is not what it should be. We learn that we have acquaintances instead of friends or our friends are more attracted to disorder and dysfunction than solid character and mental health.
I remember for a long time resenting that my XW couldn’t even be a good winner.
I understand being upset at losing (your job, your marriage, your kids, your life). But XW won: she got everything she wanted (new job, new town, new marriage) and lost nothing (still access to kids, and I am still picking up the parenting slack). And yet she is still angry.
I’ve come to see, though, that she is basically an angry person. She can divorce me, but she’s still the same person. She has years of unvoiced, unresolved grievances with everyone she ever worked with, and (as I found out during the discard) she had years of unvoiced, unresolved grievances with me during our marriage. I’m confident that she is fast accumulating unvoiced, unresolved grievances with AP-now-husband, because that’s how she operates. If she manages to line up someone better she’ll swap him out for someone new, but I’m sure I (and he!) won’t have any idea until it has already happened.
I’ve come to understand that people accumulate grievances like that because of a thwarted sense of entitlement. It’s about others not meeting their unreasonable expectations based on what they imagine they, in their specialness, deserve. There’s an old expression about people who think the world owes them a living which fits this type of person.
Billy-No-Presents, you need to put yourself on an information diet about your ex. Who cares if she’s unhappy? Who cares if the AP is her Twu Wuv? You don’t need to hear about, or know, ANY of this. All you need to know is 1) issues related to the kids (Family Wizard is good for this) and 2) information about the divorce and attendant legal obligations (this should be filtered through your lawyer). Her emotional state and her relationships are No. Longer. Your. Problem.
Anyone else telling you about your STBX and her problems should get cut off with “Hey, I don’t really need to hear about that” and a firm change of subject.
If Schmoopie’s chump is having Schmoopie’s twu wuv repeatedly shoved down her throat, I think it’s pretty clear Schmoopie’s not enjoying Chicago either. It’s like how the Nirvana song Come as You Are presages Cobain’s suicide with the lines
No, I don’t have a gun
No, I don’t have a gun
No, I don’t have a gun
In other words he had a gun. It’s not just excessive protest that cancels a claim but unbidden redundancy. You can just imagine the exchanges between Schmoopie and his chump:
But I love her.
I know, you already said.
But I do. This big!
I don’t need to hear it.
But I love her, I’m so happy.
Enough already.
But our love transcends the stars.
STFU.
I think on some level FWs know they’re juvenile fantasists chasing some fleeting “high” that will only last as long as “4-ever ‘n ever” with the new fuckbuddy is thwarted. It’s why they cheat and keep chumps around as a backup– to put off the moment when cheaters are stuck only with each other, the buzz fades and the epic hangover begins. It sounds like Billy’s FW has already crashed while her Schmoopie is licking the carpet trying to lap up any scattered bits of blow after a party.
Sorry for all the metaphors and analogies. Today’s post really triggered them. And I have more! As for why shallow people often clusterfuck around the cheater and negate the chump, you see the same primitive social fawning behavior towards aggressors in domestic violence situations and among chimps. Unreflective types knee-jerkedly cuddle up to the most dangerous individual in the mix as a way of groveling for amnesty. It’s a sort of boxer’s clinch in recognition that the aggressor’s impaired empathy probably means they’re capable of even scarier behavior. I think it’s proof that most people unconsciously recognize that cheating is abuse and that cheaters are criminally inclined. It’s also a great opportunity for Billy to completely escape the knuckle-dragging jungle along with the ape spouse and find more evolved friends. That’s one upside to the chump experience. It really separates the wheat from the chaff and the humans from the monkeys. When you encounter people who have a humane perspective on infidelity, it’s like a secret handshake indicating higher brain processing.
“But our love transcends the stars” – Captain Awkward has a great insight about how when people are confident about their choices and their relationships, they don’t need to call in the Universe to witness. As soon as you hear someone blathering about how their love was fated, or that the stars were aligned, you know that deep down they’re aware things are on a shaky foundation.
Cough, “twin flames.”
“…Schmoopie is licking the carpet trying to lap up any scattered bits of blow after a party”. Oh wow, HOAC, that line is pure poetry, so descriptive! To think I had hardly recovered from yesterday’s CN gem of a quote of a distraction technique being described as a “suicidal ideation squirrel”. Keep on here please, I love reading your posts!
You’re a kind and lovely person. I totally died at “suicidal ideation squirrel” too.
https://music.apple.com/us/album/happy-people/1440870762?i=1440870763
And what about my happiness? Ripping me off and tricking me fails to convince me of cheater unhappiness.
They’re just socially accepted criminals.
My take is the cheater wife is “acting” like she is miserable to friends, acquaintances for sympathy, instead of derision. So you see, yes, she cheated but you apparently drove her to it by making her soooo unhappy…what else could she do? It’s really all the chump’s fault. She’s faking being miserable because showing that she is happy would put her in a bad light. All the world’s a stage.
This is so familiar! He wanted out, he wasn’t happy, he dumped me…. Then everybody felt sorry for HIM and supported HIM! It’s so bizarre.
A FW is gonna FW. That’s how I see it. My ex chronically has the sadz. When I met him, he was sadz that he was 29 and didn’t have a wife and kids. Then he got a wife and kids and he had sadz because of all the responsibility. He missed his freedom! Now he is free as a bird, and he has the sadz because he is all alone. He is just a miserable person. He is only happy when he is being entertained. He has zero ability to entertain himself. I’m just glad it is not my problem to keep him happy anymore.
Yeah, it takes a bit to internalize, “Trust that they suck!”
Yup, according to the FW XW, I was having a midlife crisis. Nope. It would be closer to say that she was having one, but that would take away from the fact that this has always been her M.O. in handling relationships.
She gets unhappy w/the state of things in a relationship, and finds a replacement for her partner, cheats w/the new partner, then leaves to be w/the new partner (relationships aren’t supposed to be hard, she must think🙄. Yeah, stop. Reverse that. Thank you).
And I’m the only one w/enough history w/her to see it. Her family is all screwed up like this. I just spackled and thought she was going to be the exception to her family’s rule. Wrong again, dear. That’s why I can laugh now when I think to just after D-day, and her nine years older sister telling me she (the FW XW) hadn’t been happy for awhile. And that’s why in their minds, the affair was a logical (and reasonable!) outcome.
Neither the FW XW nor anybody in her family can understand that it wasn’t my job to make her happy. I certainly tried not to make her unhappy, but I’m sure my depression and onset of diabetes, both of which greatly sapped me of energy and initiative, sucked for her (and my kids) to deal with.
But as CL says, she could have left me in an ethical and moral fashion, by telling me directly that she couldn’t go on w/our relationship, and was leaving me. Which would have killed me too, but which I should have at least eventually had to respect her for doing. She had choices. She just chose a cowardly, shitty choice.
So, seduce and/or be seduced by your letch of a rich, older, long-time married boss (forty years married, although he was fooling around or trying to for at least twenty of those years. The asshole), fuck around w/him while I’m working and you’re supposed to be, then turn cold as ice to your husband, until he has to question what’s going on. Then leave him for said boss. What fantastic choices she made.🤣
Then she expects me roughly six years later to be cordial/friendly to her. No apology or anything close to one, ever, to me or as far as I know, our kids, for the damage she/they did . Not that that would do it, but Jesus Christ. You want cordial and you haven’t even done that? That’s a fuckwit. And no, it’s not happening.
Be careful what you wish for, fuckwits. The chumps on this blog are aiming for you to get it, now that we know just how much you suck.
You wanted to cheat and/or your cheating partner so bad? Go. We’re leaving you behind, and finding worlds of our own. FUCKWIT FREE (FF? Or FWF?)! Either way, we’re headed for peace. You can have your pathetic circus you call a life. Leave us out of it. And don’t fuck w/our kids.
I don’t know how, but it seems I typed in my username incorrectly. That is fucking funny!🤣
Exactly 🙌🏼🙌🏼🙌🏼
Hi all – Billy, the original letter writer here. This was certainly a blast from the past! I just wanted to post again to say two things:
1. A huge thank you to Chumplady and Chump nation. You have no idea how much this response and everyone’s comments helped drag me out of the hole and help me through the following years. Honestly, I feel emotional recalling it.
2. I am proof that leaving a cheater gains you a life. I’m now with a new partner (who similarly spent a decade with a narcy ex) and it’s made me realise how imbalanced my previous relationship was and how much better things are now. Tuesday does arrive eventually. 🙂
I wonder what happened to Billy….
Would be good if the past letter writers wrote in again to update everyone on their lives. I’d like to see a “where are they now” post.
Mutual friend that were ok with het cheating are not your friends.
Definition of friend – trustworthy, honest and loyal. Dump them. No contact also means no indirect contact too.
Every bit of this is true CL shines the light. Cheater #2 gets filed on, gets restraining order inflicted on him. Then come the calls..Hey chump, oll makr Spaghetti for you at my hotel, we can talk! NO!.Hey CHUMP!! I’m here in the ER with suffering from my kidney thing,surely you don’t expect AP to come help me??? She works in the cafeteria and you are the Chump RN. Care about me.. Feel my pain!!! NO…Next call..come get me, I had a procedure and I need a ride to the hotel you sent me to. Your fault!!!YOU. I’m in pain!! You used to know what to do to help me! Just you!!! Then,Call from my step daughter…hey! I’m a single parent with 3 kids, you were married to cheater for 30 year’s. I cant go get him???! Surely you can! No I cannot, no. This is all after DDay
Expect fake tears, demands, rage..all the things Tracy said in this classic piece.. And lots more drama
It all means nothing. Stay mighty 💪
I posted on this one when it first came around, but it’s still true. I’m coming up on seven years since he left, and I STILL have a handful of people at church who ask about how he’s doing before they ask about me. And no, they aren’t at all in contact with him. Poor man, is he doing OK? I miss his preaching SO MUCH. Really? Seven years later, and you say that to his EX-WIFE?
I think some of it is that couples are the norm at church, so they still see me as paired up despite being single for so long now. It’s not voiced, but they probably believe he left because somehow I was so horrid. Never mind his desire to reinvent himself as a single studmuffin.
There are reasons why we still attend that church, but my heart isn’t there. Thankfully, it’s just a handful of disturbed people.
I would tell them “I have no idea, I don’t see him”. People should know better, but some just don’t.
I personally woulda gone scorched earth with “I don’t know. He abused me so I avoid him like the plague.”
If the way fw lived his secret life gone public was happy, I am sure glad I missed out on that. I don’t know about the first few years other than the demotion, I know that had to sting like a bitch. But, because we share a child I knew of his descent into major gambling, and yes cheating. I didn’t know the full details until much later when he/whore started treating my son/sons family like dog shit.
As soon as he left I extracted myself out of my entire life (except for church). I didn’t do it purposely so much as out of necessity. I mean my life was based on his activities, so those were gone. I had to get a part time job and also continue taking college classes, there was not time for it. I think that helped me a lot.
He had quit going to church, and if he had come back to the same church; I would have left. As far as I know he didn’t start going to another church until he moved out of the county. He needed a whole new group to con. When my son said he was going to school to be a preacher, I couldn’t contain the mirth. We both kind of laughed and didn’t speak of it until years later.
Yes I believe folks can become faithful and true clergy even after sin; but they have to deal with that pesky repentance and honesty stuff for that to be real.
Apparently the FBI became very frustrated while spying on and wiretapping Malcolm X because the former convicted pimp, thief and drug dealer was no fun at all, didn’t so much as cheat on or mistreat his wife. After his trip to Mecca, he never again even engaged in insurrectionary, separatist or violent speech.
Some people do change– or change back. X had the benefit of solid childhood role models and an extraordinary maternal figure. It seems he mostly lost his way after his activist parents’ unjust deaths. His return to ethics and character was arguably a return to self and a return to roots in a sense. Sadly some people never had a self or soul to lose to begin with, much less “regain.”
I feel that Switzerland and/or Cheater supporter family and friends really cause extra damage to a chump. As if we haven’t had enough pain and suffering, we have to be subjected to people who agree with the cheater that somehow the chump deserved it, that they had done something wrong to cause the shitty partner to go outside the marriage and cheat. I have several people in my family that are like that and it is insulting and infuriating to no end. It is downright wrong! And those people suck as much as the cheater! Both have zero morals and zero good character.
One of them is my adult daughter (there are others, but this one hurts me the most), who still sees the cheater as “daddy” (he actually is only her step dad) and pretty much blames me, said I was “controlling and mean to him at times”. I told her he abused me in many ways over the years and I didn’t tell her about all of that because she was a child when a lot of that happened. When I told her the things he did (and it is a long list), she was sort of silent and shocked, but then gradually over time, just sort of started being on his side again. I have come to feel she is a misogynist and hates all women, me and herself, therefore she blames me by default. I wonder if she blames herself for the boyfriends that cheated on her, too? Maybe I should tell her she was controlling, or acting in some manner that caused them to cheat on her? Every boyfriend cheated on her, and I was there when she’d come home crying at 3am, but she isn’t there fore me. She blames me.
This is the type of forever damage infidelity causes. I tears a marriage and the family apart and for what? A cheap in the moment thrill and then like Billy’s wife here, the cheater is still not happy! Mine actually complained once with an all out sadz, “I don’t think I will ever be happy again.” Wait…what? You have the nerve to complain about losing happiness??!!
Fuck these crappy people!
TRUST THAT THEY SUCK!
Me too, KC. My oldest daughter supports the cheater and is estranged from me, and he is only her stepdad. At least we are not alone in experiencing such massive suckery. I’m sorry you are going through that. ❤️ Bottom line is they will tell themselves lies in order to justify continuing to believe in the cheater. They don’t want to think that they were also fooled and taken advantage of, so it has to be our fault. To face the reality, which is that the cheater actually doesn’t love them or anyone else and is a wretched excuse for a human being, is untenable. Your daughter likely knows for sure that you love her no matter what. She takes that for granted and is being selfish. She feels like you are the giver and she gets to be the taker. Otoh, she’ll always be insecure about FW’s love. So she has to show him she supports him and believes his bullshit. She has to give in order to get anything from him. My daughter doesn’t want to give to anybody but her husband and kids, so she dumped me and her sister (plus the rest of her maternal relatives, even her allegedly beloved grandmother) instead. Sadly, she doesn’t have enough giving in her for anybody else. She now uses FW and he uses her. They pretend to be a family. It’s shallow, sickening and I don’t want any part of such fakery. It is the life she wants, so the people in her life who are not willing to be fake had to go.
You are quite right that the family and friends who support the cheater can do as much damage as the cheater. I was flabbergasted to discover how little a couple of members of my family really cared about me. They are supposed to have our backs. It’s maddening.
Then again, if you’re lucky, there are people who do have your back, and they make up for the ones who don’t.
Nothing pains my heart more than hearing about a victim parent losing a child to the grooming of a perp. I was so scared for a close friend who’s very covert psychologically torturous cheater big shot husband began grooming her daughter to side against her after separation. It almost made me glad that FW in my case had let the kids see his some of his cruel DARVO behavior during his cheating spree but not really because that clarity about who’s the real controlling shithead comes at such a price.
I’m glad coercive control expert Dr. Christine Cocciola is putting a special focus on how abusers weaponize children against victims though I find the anecdotes she shares– including about her own near miss where she almost lost her daughter– nearly too harrowing to listen to. There are few evils greater than that.
Pay attention to the deceptive harmful behavior they exhibit (lying, cheating, stealing) and try to de emphasize the appearance of togetherness. They’re a couple! Yes, a couple of jerks. They got married! Yes, and everyone here knows how much that means to people who cheat.
Maybe we ignored stop signs. Maybe we didn’t see them. Maybe we couldn’t see them.
Cheating is the biggest red flag made by the Red Flag Factory. Cheaters bring it out at their first encounter, wave it in each other’s faces, and they happily and obliviously and idiotically skip off together, proving their total lack of healthy relationship skills and broadcasting their lack of character and zero credibility ratings.
If you need a reminder how much coupledom or marriage means to a cheater, check out this Dateline crime documentary.
https://youtu.be/WelajqALkt0?si=g_9lXs1SegqufyZU
Being in a relationship does NOT mean the same thing to you as it does to those without integrity. That’s why your relationship ultimately did not work.
Yes! This:
“They’re a couple! Yes, a couple of jerks. They got married! Yes, and everyone here knows how much that means to people who cheat.”
Thanks for stating it plainly, Velvet Hammer.😁
VH really nailed that one. So perfect and TRUE. It did make me laugh “yes…a COUPLE of jerks”
Recalling the day my cheater X sent out wedding announcements 3 weeks after out Divorce was final. My neighbor, Who had heard the whole story and had helped me with the move to escape DV..this same neighbor said..hey, cheater was a nice guy and he has the sadz, so I’m going to say yes to the invite!! I shout texted her, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?.After all.you know ❓️ Tell me this is not true. I used CLs words of.. then we do not share the same values and I am very hurt as is our now out in the open switzerland friendship. She texted back.her reconsideration and said..
But but cheater is still my neighbor with his nice new wife who.didnt do anything!!! She didn’t go by why did I have to blow up??? Get all upset about treason!!!
I had wanted to.see pictures on FB of all the Switzerland friends who.attended but later decided I didn’t want to know. I know who my real friends are. Billy, stay strong. Cheaters have the play book and they gather the shallow folks around them, in Chicago or Tao, or churches, jobs Or anywhere. You gather too and get out however you can. FREEDOM from liars is worth it all. I know this from my heart to.yoirs
People who cannot self-validate will always be unhappy and unhealthy, seeking others to give that to them will only lead to disappointment in the end.
Take the time to sit in and feel the loneliness and learn to be content with yourself, so that one day, you may find a good and healthy partner if you choose to do so.
That’s it exactly. They get all their validation from externals, which is not a viable life strategy. Naturally, other people always fall short of making them feel as fabulous as they think they deserve to feel.
Seems to me that the answer is to dump the Switzerland friends. Then you don’t have to hear about her pity parties. Just your own life without her BS. Problem solved.
I agree with you but if I’m reading this correctly, this guy is only three months into this new normal. It’s a stage in the process, when you actually really need friends and you need to know your friends are on your side.
In my case, when it was all first coming to light, I had no idea who I could trust. I didn ‘t know who knew and who honestly didn’t know at all. There was also so much self-blame happening; aided by the Reconciliation Industrial Complex I felt I must have been “in denial” and if it was that obvious that he was cheating on me, that meant everyone else could see it too. So at the point where you really desperately need good honest friends, you are unable to distinguish good people from complicit people. Add to that the notion that you’re not allowed to “out” your cheating spouse because somehow that crosses a line? That means you never get everything out in the open. That means you never regain the confidence to trust your friends.
Definitely, cut contact with bad friends and rebuild your social circle — but feeling betrayed by friends is tough when the wounds of your spouse’s betrayal are still wide open.
” It’s a stage in the process, when you actually really need friends and you need to know your friends are on your side.”
This is imperative. Early on post D-Day I was very isolated with the FW. Ands he was DARVO-ing like it was his job. I had not found CL yet. And hadn’t told anyone. When I finally did tell a friend what was going on with me, I said something like “No one is perfect. I was obviously not the perfect wife”.
She said, “fine no one is perfect but you were as close as it gets.” The fact was, he wasn’t just a cheater. He was a jerk in other ways. I had made myself tiny while making every decision on what he’d want. For decades. And he was and is a deeply unhappy person. Then he had the nerve to cheat and say it was because I didn’t make him happy? If he said “my leg is sore”, I would have ripped mine off for him to use instead.
Without good friends, I might have believed it really was my fault.
Greetings Billy,
(Also, before I start: good name!)
I see yours explained away her fuckwittery using the same logic as mine did-“we grew apart, it’s ACTUALLY BETTER FOR YOU THIS WAY, etc.” Must be like Chapter 3 in the Infidelity Playbook(I hear it’s short and has lots of illustrations to keep their attention.) So I deeply, DEEPLY empathize.
I am fortunate that there have not been the Switzerland Friends(though apparently she got “cute” on social media-I blocked her on most of that before it gave me any more ulcers).
Sounds like yours just needed to be attention seeking and theatrical in her self destruction.
And like mine, it sounds like yours has a fundamental disagreement with the notion of discomfort. “Anywhere but here”, “here is my goofy ass ideal of how things should be which is in NO WAY grounded in reality”, “I’d rather break promises than grow, etc.” And of course the matching “your feelings are invalid because I don’t like the way that they make ME feel”, “I’m upset that you are mad-never you mind that you have every right to be.”
She fucked up. YOU didn’t. You are in no way responsible for her implosion. All bets were off when she left.
She used and abused you(and the rest of your family-and probably a few other nameless poor souls on her quest for self aggrandizement.) And rather than fall on her sword, SHE is playing the victim in all of this.
Switzerland is a great place for chocolate, skiing, and those little knives with the toothpick that you lose instantly. Not for friends. If they are OK with what she did, you shouldn’t be OK with them as people. Pure and simple. I personally have no room in my life for people that are co-opt abuse and abandoning their families and responsibilities.
As others have said-the real gift you got was freedom. You don’t have to weather her disrespect anymore and it sounds like you are a good man and an awesome Dad. Might I add-you also saw who is in your corner and who is worth weeding out.
And regrettably, most people don’t understand what real betrayal and abandonment feels like. We’re not really a “Hallmark” crowd around these parts. It sucks but it gets better and you get STRONGER-for your kids but most importantly for YOU. I bet you already know that as noting the timing of the original post that your D-Day preceded mine by about half a year-but it is worth repeating.
You’re Getting Through It, CHAMP!
People who do bad things generally are unhappy – and they SHOULD BE. That is the natural consequence of leading a shitty life. You can try to distract yourself from it repeatedly by getting newer, brighter, shinier objects….but they always end up rolled under the sofa. Unhappy people are unhappy, they make others unhappy, and they should be avoided as much as possible. Toxic substances should not be ingested.
What’s interesting, especially since I have dipped my toes into the dating pool, is seeing how unhealthy people actually are. The masks people wear and the lies they tell themselves to justify their poor behavior is sad. Change and growth is painful, and many people avoid that at all costs. Yet, change is also interesting and can be fun.
Yes- so many don’t learn .
It really puts me off trying to date again.
Not going to lie, I am trying to enjoy dating again and stay positive, but it’s been a slog. It’s probably due to my location as I am in a very rural state.
💯%
Speaking of the Swiss and those who cuddle up to known perpetrators of various things… In my experience, the worse the shitty deed and the more obvious the guilt, the more frantic the bystander cuddling. I have friends who’ve also seen the dark side of bystander response and our shorthand for it whenever we hear about another situation where the innocent party is sent to social Siberia while the shithead gets cards and flowers is “Forget it, Jake– it’s Chinatown” ( in case anyone hasn’t seen the old movie: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uSz0mEtEsQ).
It’s my impression that this is the general rule, not the exception. I think I had some unusual opportunities to test certain theories in that regard. In fact, that’s probably mostly what I got out of my former career in the media industry– a big lab rat behavior study on negative bystanderism. As I’ve mentioned before (sorry to be repetitive but there might be newbies), back in the day I prosecuted two men in criminal court on both coasts for workplace stalking and harassment. Quite tellingly, one of these perps had nicknamed his dick “Barabbas” (how I happened to learn this was part of the charge sheet). Not that I think I’m Jesus but what could possibly better express that part of the whole reason someone became a violent perpetrator was because they intrinsically knew they could count on bystanders voting for a culprit over an innocent party?
At that point in my career it was sort of like the millionth (and millionth and first) car to cross the new bridge. The perps got the “prize” for all the endless crap I’d encountered since college. I think I had also internalized blamey bystanders’ suggestions that the reason this was “always” happening to me (the implication being that it wasn’t happening to other people) was because I seemed like an easy target. Ergo, if I make myself a hard target, it stops, right??
Nope. The big prank was it wasn’t only happening to me or even especially to me, it was industry wide and endemic but, before #MeToo, nobody reported it and my experiences made it obvious why. “Telling” in both situations quickly created flying monkey gang pile ups where I was being attacked by coworkers who sometimes hadn’t even formerly liked the perps in question or, even weirder, people who were contradicting their own stated “woke” values by trying to silence the victim. But, whoops, the second it was known how dangerous the perps were– cuddle, cuddle.
The real key seemed to be bystanders’ knowledge that the perps actually did the deeds and are dangerous, not lack of clarity on this. I’ve seen people being falsely and not even credibly accused of harassment or worse but innocent stooges never, ever get the cuddling bystander treatment received by genuinely culpable types. Instead their false accusers do! Most interesting of all, the dynamic may even defy the usual rules of patriarchy where a female false accuser will get more coddling support than her innocent male target and certainly more than any truthful whistleblower ever gets– probably because falsely framing others for crimes is a signal the accuser is especially psychopathic. This made me wonder if patriarchy only exists simply because of a general statistical gender skew in psychopathy but that dynamic can quickly be flipped if a woman happens to be exceptionally, cold-bloodedly evil.
It’s all so WTF. I ended up concluding that “hybristophilia,” i.e., “pathological attraction to known liars, felons, cheats or killers,” isn’t only sexually motivated and isn’t rare but probably default thoughtless human impulse. From my perspective at the time, bystanders kneejerkedly siding with perps and siding against victims wasn’t due to bystander “innocence/ignorance” again or even the smooth, influential “charm” of perpetrators. Everybody knew what really happened and the self-exculpations of the perps in both situations were hardly credible-sounding. They both came off like gabbling, self-contradicting liars while I was consistent and had mountains of evidence (enough to actual prevail in court which rarely happened then). So I thought the bystander behavior was more about humans having a hardwired instinct to go into an automatic “boxer’s clinch” with the most dangerous, criminally-inclined, sociopathic monkey in the room which probably evolved from our feudal ape ancestry where survival depended on placating and groveling for amnesty from violent alphas.
Of course many perp-cuddling bystander rats will do 180s, jump ship and distance themselves from culprits in the case the culprits are prosecuted and publicly pilloried (as happened in my case) but that’s only because the state then becomes the “loudest” monkey. It doesn’t actually redeem the negative bystanders since it’s still all about being on the winning side and their self-fulfilling, monkey assumptions that evil usually wins.
I did have allies and defenders in both situations and a few didn’t even harbor ulterior motives (that’s another discussion– the “protection racket” effect of reporting crimes like this and how it brings faux-rescuers out of the woodwork). I noticed what defined the latter was usually higher than average intelligence or just an unusual capacity to reflect and self-reflect, mostly because their families of origin were more consciously ethical or sometimes they’d been tested by dire personal experience. Sadly, people like that seem to be the outliers but they make up for relative rarity by being solid gold.
Anyway, I think I had a rare “litmus test” for extreme bystanderism and I want to share that clarity in case it saves fellow survivors even a minute of lost sleep or more heartbreak over Swiss antics. My experiences cured me forever from internalizing Swiss behavior, cured me forever of wondering what I’d done “wrong” to lose “mob” support or of ever straining myself to give the benefit of the doubt to those who cuddle up to guilty parties. There’s no point in being tormented over it or trying to be diplomatic since I’m convinced negative bystanders are generally not innocent and confused dupes but something a lot darker and more depraved. It’s one thing to be fooled when there’s no evidence a culprit is a culprit but another thing entirely when, on seeing ample evidence, some instantly move toward evil. They’re really mostly what’s always been wrong with the world and humanity since, while psychopaths are relatively rare, their eternal fan clubs are not. Dispose of them without qualms or second thoughts if just because it makes our waters safer and more inviting for the solid gold type of friends.
Cheaters are people who seldom portray any resemblance of the unvarnished truth to their friends family or even strangers- it wouldn’t do to be thought of anything less than a ‘nice’ person or the poor hard done by victim of their villainous spouse.
Image management is hard work, y’know.
They can’t be happy because they have no love for themselves- the way they continually take from others or have an ulterior motive for everything they do is proof of that.
Honesty is for weak people and the truth is what they decide it is in the moment.
They might look good on paper or on social media but we know who and what they are- and none of it is good.
It’s always we grew apart or mistakes were made by both of us, or blah, blah, blah.
Haha yes!
Never ‘I cheated’ or ‘I behaved like the lying asshole I am and they decided they deserved better’.
the main reason you don’t get sympathy baskets or any support from so-called friends is because you are a male chump
and while it’s certainly not right, nobody here can deny that female chumps and male chumps are treated differently…not surprising really, given that there are many aspects of modern American society that have gendered assumptions and asymmetric outcomes depending on gender
to be clear, our society is quite comfortable blaming women for *other* behaviors, like being overweight, or being poor, or addiction issues, or choosing not to have children…but when it comes to cheating, women get the benefit of the doubt, by which i mean people combine “she must have had her reasons” with the convenient justification “i don’t like to judge”
and the bottom line is that outside very special spaces like this (where the gender-neutral wisdom is borne from the pain of experience) our society is simply uncomfortable placing blame on women when they choose infidelity behavior…personally, I think it’s because some people believe that any judgment of a woman’s behavior is a kind of “toxic masculinity” or “patriarchy” and those people are VERY vocal about that belief…but i am interested in what other folks think, because it’s a paradox that’s quite striking
at any rate, it’s just one aspect of chumpdom that is different for men and women…but all we can do is be mighty and get through it, no matter what our gender
The crazy thing is they convince themselves they will be happier with someone that they know can’t make them happy. My ex had it all – a thriving horse training business, a beautiful horse farm (let’s just say I almost dehydrated myself with how much we fricked in the first month after we bought the farm). I knew how to pay for the horses, but the further I stay from the horses, the better for everyone’s safety.
The affair partner? Smokes like a chimney, drinks a 1.75L bottle of Popov Vodka every 2 days, no teeth, has not had a real job in over a decade but, knows his way around horses. Oh, he was also her second cousin. Found out later his hobby was to weasel his way onto horse farms and do chores / training in exchange for a roof over his head. Then he would sleep with the wife. He had done this a half a dozen times in the past. He was a true sociopath.
I got I love you but I’m not in love with you two days after I got a vasectomy. That she and I talked about for months. She said she settled for me and was never happy with me. That she’s changed and I can no longer support her ambitions as a horse trainer.
The fallout?
Only thing that broke her out of her cycle of self destruction was the AP dying. 13 years after D Day. She told everyone who would listen that she was sooooo happy. Sure Jan.
You should focus on eliminating any unnecessary contact. Learn to ignore if you want a drama free life. Your happiness has nothing to do with you X’s unhappiness.