UBT: He’s Sorry Now That His Mistress Dumped Him

Universal Bullshit Translator

Her cheating ex-husband is very sorry now that his mistress suddenly dumped him. The Universal Bullshit Translator digests his apology.

***

Hi Chump Lady,

I want to start by thanking you. You and Chump Nation have literally saved my sanity and I know I speak for many chumps when I say that without this group, I would have lost my mind!

Although it’s not Tuesday for me yet, it is very late Monday evening and I feel a peacefulness that I haven’t felt in a long time. I was married to an emotionally abusive narcissist for 38 years and our divorce will be final in two weeks. 🎉

For the most part, my story is like most of our fellow chumps and I did everything completely wrong after D-day including dancing and providing cake for him. We have five wonderful children and three adorable grandchildren, but my children were greatly impacted by their narcissistic father and by my staying with him throughout their childhood.

If there are any parents of young children reading this, please know that it is not too late to build a better life for you and your children. I am happy to report that my adult children and I are now very close and we are all in therapy.

I wanted to write you to provide some karma and to give the UBT a tasty snack!

Several years ago, I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis and have been in a wheelchair for the last six years. I continued to work (mainly because FW said he didn’t feel that he should have to support me — what a prince!) and was quite fortunate to have a job where I could telework when I needed to.

Four years ago, our youngest daughter became a single mother when her husband left her and their son. Our daughter has bipolar disorder and was not doing well. STBX and I discussed it and decided that we needed to move to be closer to her and help out with the baby. Since I could work from home, it was decided that I would move the 400 miles immediately and he would start looking for a job so he could move down shortly.

Of course, he told me he was applying for jobs, but in reality he wasn’t and was having an affair. Meanwhile, I was raising the baby while my daughter was getting the help she needed. I was so busy that I didn’t recognized the warning signs but I finally uncovered the truth and he said he wanted a divorce, never loved me, blah, blah. He had found his Twu Wuv and they were going to be together forever 🤮

Then came karma!

I was devastated and since I had no self esteem I begged him not to leave me. Even when I tested positive for an STD and when I told him his first comment was concern about the affair partner, I stayed. I stayed through humiliating comments, blameshifting, screaming, and all the crap that a 62-year-old man who is in ‘love’ with a woman half his age could dish out. He left me for her and I sobbed thinking my life had ended.

After he left me and rented a home for them, she informed him that she had decided to stay with her husband! Apparently he pleaded and begged, contacted her husband, and even made a scene at her work place and told her that she had ruined his life! Ah, accountability!

Meanwhile, I found Chump Nation, found a fantastic therapist, and started a new life. Out of the blue, I received an email from FW, and I would love to give the UBT some nibbles:

“My Dearest,

I want to let you know how truly sorry I am. Even though you left me to take care of (daughter) and (grandchild), I still should not have had the affair. It has been very difficult for me to deal with your illness and that along with a midlife crisis caused me to not think straight. I have broken up with (Schmoopie) because I realized that you were the only woman that I could ever love.

It is not too late for us to get back together. We could take that trip to Europe that you have wanted, wouldn’t that be nice? I want us to see a marriage counselor and discuss the issues in our marriage that made me cheat. We could have a happier marriage and isn’t that what is important? I would like for us to each to be accountable going forward and I am excited about our future together.

After I finished laughing, I blocked him and set my sights on Tuesday!

Thanks again,

Chumped for 38 Years

***

Dear Chumped for 38,

Wow, funny how he found his sorry after the mistress dumped him. I guess it was there jangling around with the loose change in his pocket. But hold on… wait, he’s found it and here it is! With lint, old gum and some sticky pennies, but AREN’T YOU SO HAPPY?! A gift! FOR YOU!

Yeah. Full-speed ahead on that divorce. Only two weeks to go, and it’s his hail Mary play to avoid consequences. Please deliver consequences.

Maybe as a Valentine. Does Hallmark have an I’m Sorry The Mistress Dumped Him section?

Well, the Universal Bullshit Translator always enjoys a snack.

“My Dearest,

Plan B. My chipped and dented wife appliance. My funny Valentine… you make me smile with your steady paycheck….

I want to let you know how truly sorry I am.

In that “Good luck with your terminal diagnosis! Fuck your health insurance!” kind of way. #trulysorry

Even though you left me to take care of (daughter) and (grandchild),

You left ME first!

I never abandoned you for my fuckbuddy. Really, I think you should be apologizing for leaving me.

#feelthesorry

I still should not have had the affair.

Here’s a kibble. Fetch!

fetch

Look at me being all accountable.

It has been very difficult for me

And… I lasted an entire half sentence. We’ve pivoted back to me.

Sad sausage weeps.

It has been very difficult for me to deal with your illness

Your MLS made my dick wander.

I’m sure it’s not been at all difficult for you to deal with your illness. #appliancestrong

and that along with a midlife crisis caused me to not think straight.

My mistress returning to her husband caused me to have a midlife crisis.

I have broken up with (Schmoopie) because I realized that you were the only woman that I could ever love.

Schmoopie dumped me and I realized that you were the only woman that could recoup my security deposit.

It is not too late for us to get back together.

Fuckwit

Call off the divorce! I’ve had an epiphany! It’s not too late for me to avoid consequences!

Wouldn’t that be nice?

We could take that trip to Europe that you have wanted, wouldn’t that be nice?

You could tip over face first into a pile of cow flop. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Excuse me, the UBT is acting up.

We could take that trip to Never Gonna Happenistan, and I could tie myself to a rock and let vultures pluck my spleen. Wouldn’t that be nice?

The UBT is being very churlish.

(Whack!)

Please accept my lame bribe.

$$$ Divorce settlement > $Trip to Europe

You drove me to it.

I want us to see a marriage counselor and discuss the issues in our marriage that made me cheat.

I want you to blame yourself for my abuse and find a mental health professional to sign off on that. Wouldn’t that be nice?

We could have a happier marriage and isn’t that what is important?

Schmoopie dumped me and a need a chump. Isn’t that what’s important? Back up plans?

I would like for us to each to be accountable going forward and I am excited about our future together.

I have all my things here in garbage bags and I’m excited about your paycheck your home cooking your veneer of respectability our future together.

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BackToReality
BackToReality
22 days ago

What a complete cnut. Still unable to accept that he is to blame for betraying you and your relationship. They all do this. Best that he has a slow, lonely and painful death. Preferably testicular cancer. Something along those lines.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
22 days ago
Reply to  BackToReality

I can only hope, Backtoreality. My friend says she is bringing balloons and confetti to the divorce proceedings. I’m sure the judge won’t allow it, but a girl can dream!

Mehitable
Mehitable
21 days ago

Congratulations on your escape from this loser and I hope you have many happy years with your wonderful kids and grandkids. Please keep looking into alternate health treatments for your MS, I also have chronic health problems and we just have to keep hacking away at them – I don’t have MS but I am finding things continually that help with my condition. I hope you do too. Sounds like you have the basis for a great life…him, not so much. My guess would be this is not the first time he cheated either, he sounds like a real piece of work. “Dearest” indeed!!!!!!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago
Reply to  Mehitable

After flying all over the country and beyond to find treatments, I used the Wahls keto diet to successfully treat my son’s debilitating autoimmune condition and related LD. Terry Wahls originally created the diet to treat her own MS which, though it’s not the same as my son’s condition, still hinges on inflammatory response. It worked so well for my son that I tried it to treat my own arthritis from compounded sports injuries. From there I think we’ve started a cult because then my accountant, the kids’ music tutor, his mother and geologist brother and his brother’s girlfriend are all on the diet for different reasons. After observing our progress and getting reports from other patients, our once keto-skeptical family GP is a fan and is going to conferences and recommending it for certain conditions.

Come to the dark side, we have sugar free, low carb organic cookies…

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
22 days ago

Courthouse staff might object less to throwing biodegradable flower petals on the sidewalk along with the uncorking of nonalcoholic sparkling wine. Freedom deserves some ceremony!

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago

They could at least go out to a good restaurant together afterwards – fancy or hole-in-a-wall, it doesn’t matter. But make it an occasion! You already have to dress nicely for court, after all.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago

I love that idea!

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
22 days ago

Pop the champagne! Get out the noisemakers!

Attie
Attie
22 days ago

Geez, the Emperor has spoken. He’s “excited about our future together” – like she has no choice but to accept the wonder that his him!! The brass neck on him!

Stig
Stig
21 days ago
Reply to  Attie

Yep, it’s inline with the entitled thinking that we are just an extension of themselves, a planet that revolves around their sun (Uranus, I’m thinking) and would welcome another chance to bask in their splendour. They’re delulu.

SortofOverIt
SortofOverIt
21 days ago
Reply to  Attie

Mine did this too. Years into his affair, I think Schmoops bailed but he says it was his decision. In any case, his stance was that we would get back together because “he changed his mind”. This was said many times, in many ways. And I don’t think I will ever get over how bizarre it is that he didn’t even ASK me if I had changed MY mind. (Spoiler alert: I had not) This whole thing where I refused to take him back once he changed his mind (6 years in!), is what caused the history to be rewritten to my choosing to end our marriage. He is incapable of grasping the fact that he made that choice when he started the affair, he reinforced it for years of pathetic pick me dancing on my part, and you don’t get to play sad discarded sausage when your spouse refuses to be Plan B, 6 years in. There was probably a point much earlier before so much more damage was wrought, that I probably would have welcomed a changed mind on his part. It wouldn’t have been a good outcome for me if I had, but I probably would have anyway as it took me awhile to find CL. But that ship had more than sailed by that point.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
21 days ago
Reply to  SortofOverIt

I was re-proposed to by my ex making a statement: “I want to be married to you again.”

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

“And I want everything in the settlement, but we can’t all get what we want, can we?”

Elsie_
Elsie_
22 days ago
Reply to  Attie

That hit me too. My ex said things like that, implying that I didn’t have an opinion.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago
Reply to  Elsie_

Well the performers in the porn channels they click on don’t have opinions or choice. Click, click, click! Why isn’t the chump behaving like a video figment??

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
22 days ago
Reply to  Attie

Yes, entitlement is something they all have in common. I never realized how alike they all are. I wonder if there is a playbook for FWs?

Orlando
Orlando
22 days ago

A friend of mine met up with her ex & she came back disgusted by him. He hit on her all smarmy like because “Schmoopie just doesn’t get me like you do”. She stood up & left because the urge to punch him was too real. This letter reminds me of that. When you get the post-positive proof that you are indeed better off without a fuckwit.

Last edited 22 days ago by Orlando
chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
22 days ago
Reply to  Orlando

I totally understand the urge to hit FW. But they aren’t worth the effort!

Orlando
Orlando
21 days ago

100%

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
21 days ago

Or the potential night in jail for DV because surely, he would’ver turned that opened-handed swat back on you!

Orlando
Orlando
21 days ago
Reply to  MyRedSandals

Yes I know my friend’s ex, he might have called the cops or challenged custody.

Bruno
Bruno
21 days ago

Punch a greasy paper bag full of shit?
No thanks!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago
Reply to  Bruno

Apt analogy.

SortofOverIt
SortofOverIt
22 days ago

Not a one is original. Doesn’t matter how crazy a FW’s behavior is, another has done the same.

My FW and the OW split up at around the time that he was looking at apartments and finally moving out. Pick me Dancing had ended from my side and consequences were looming. It was a long distance affair and he was staying near me and the kids.

He told me that he wanted to try to work on things and that was why he ended it, I’m fairly certain she actually dumped him. I will never know for sure because he’s a liar. But what I do know is that he never asked me if I wanted to work on things before he ended it with her. And I didn’t and that was extremely clear. There was nothing to work with. So it seems pretty farfetched that he was telling the truth.

What ensued were months of extreme discomfort while we cohabitated, as he looked at apartments reluctantly and constantly asked if I would change my mind. This is where the narrative was born that I “kicked him out.”. I was not mighty. Embarrassing as it is, I didn’t have it in me to demand he leave. The most I could muster was to re-affirm that I wanted him to, hope he would and eventually he did. If he hadn’t gone of his own volition, I’m not sure how long I’d need in therapy to insist he do so.

His demands that I become Plan B fell on very annoyed, deaf ears. But it will never cease to amaze me how he completely flipped the switch to ME choosing to end this relationship. He had a 6 year long distance affair. And post D-Day he pretty much tortured me with his stories of how I failed as a wife.

Then whatever actually happened with Schmoops happened, and suddenly my ONLY flaw was not being willing to take him back.

Mehitable
Mehitable
21 days ago
Reply to  SortofOverIt

The Sun isn’t the center of the solar system – HE is.

KattheBat
KattheBat
21 days ago
Reply to  SortofOverIt

Oh yes the lack of originality is staggering. Over ten years ago in my wee early twenties, my first cheater fucked off with his schmoopie (I found out later she was actually number 6) and after 7 months of no contact and me starting a relationship with someone else, he pops back up getting all nostalgic for our relationship and listing everything he missed about me. I’m wondering what happened to schmoopie, and of course he didn’t answer that question and avoided the topic.

Turned out she was pregnant and he was trying to escape. He figured I would be sitting there waiting for him 7 months later. He was shocked I was not waiting to fall back into his arms.

Schmoopie miscarried and he went back to her. Until she dumped him two months later. Because he cheated.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
22 days ago
Reply to  SortofOverIt

The odd thing is that the few times I broke it off with people I was dating before getting married, the sign that I was really, really ready to move on was how much I built these people up on my way out. My instinct was that they would move on more quickly (and leave me alone) if their self esteem was in good shape. Consequently, the typical scorched earth cheater tactic of attacking and ripping apart a chump’s self esteem seems like a transparent attempt to “hobble” the victim, a bit like cutting the hamstrings of a slave to prevent escape.It tells me FWs basically want the assurance that, if they change their minds and need a Plan B, the victim will still be lying inert and helpless in a pool of blood just as the FW left them, too injured to move on or form subsequent healthy relationships.

It’s exactly what a predator would two while chasing two prey animals– wound the first and then lope off to pursue the second to preserve the option of returning to the slowed-down but still live prey if the second target gets away. What scenario could be farther way from actual love than that? Cheating is all about predation, rapey from start to finish.

Elsie_
Elsie_
21 days ago

Same here. I was completely decent when I broke up with people or when they broke up with me. Even when I’ve changed jobs, I’ve been even about it “this isn’t working for me” or “I need to go a different direction.”

My ex wanted to completely humiliate and guilt me into reconciliation, but deep down, he didn’t even want me. It was all a power game. No way, given all that came before. At one point he told me in a restaurant that if we got back together, he’d have to take my phone and computer away from me in addition to other wild control measures. I told him to file for divorce and walked out.

Then came the burn-the-bridges divorce he kicked off. Why? It likely cost him 3-5x more than I paid because of the attorney he picked and how that attorney billed. For what? He got a lump sum from my pension. Net, that was all.

Yes, predation, but I got to the other side before he did.

Elsie_
Elsie_
22 days ago
Reply to  SortofOverIt

My ex had the same playbook. I was responsible for the crash of the marriage against all evidence to the contrary. His family bought that lie and circled the wagons around him.

Just weird.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
21 days ago
Reply to  Elsie_

It’s not “weird” that his family would believe his lies rather than your truth. That’s the usual outcome. (I sometimes read here about people whose in-laws actually believe and support them during and even after the divorce; I think that’s actually the weirder scenario. My ex-in-laws have not spoken to me once since DDay, and I got along with them very well beforehand).

Now if by “weird” you mean that it’s weird that your ex (who was in the marriage and presumably knows what actually happened) believes himself that you’re the sole person responsible for the crash of the marriage … that’s also pretty common. Unless your ex is a psychopath, he *wants* it to not be his fault, and many people can legitimately convince themselves of the veracity of things that they really, really *want* to be true.

I have often reflected that the dynamics of my post-divorce relationship with my XW would make perfect sense if I had been one who had the affair and nuked the marriage unilaterally (rather than the other way around). For a couple of years I explained this as “oh, she has to pretend I’m the bad guy to avoid at-fault divorce”, and then “oh, her boyfriend’s lawyers are telling her not to admit anything until his divorce has been finalized” … but now that all the legal proceedings are over and they’re married – and I obviously know about the affair, because her relationship is out in the open – the only reason for her to maintain this fiction is that she really, honestly has convinced herself that she did nothing wrong, and that *I* owe *her* for the ending of our marriage.

IMO it’s more likely that they’re good at lying to themselves than that they’re good at lying to us.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago

I think you hit the nail on the head. Genuine “zero empathy” psychopathy is supposed to be statistically rare and probably isn’t really necessary to explain most crimes of callousness. Studies of serial killers have found that even the latter tend to engage in elaborate justifications to destigmatize their violence and blame victims. Why would that be necessary if they had absolutely no conscience?

So the key for a lot of serial offenders may be the ability to switch empathy on and off via some learned, intense, self-spellbinding inner mantra involving blameshifting rationales. I can imagine some offenders might try to “seal” the fabrication by subjecting the victim to the blameshifting spiel. I also suspect triangulation is mostly about offenders trying to make confabulated narratives seem more “true” to themselves. Maybe it’s due to some fundamental nihilism in disordered individuals where “truth” is only what they can get others to believe.

Apparently this has something to do with why many rape victims end up internalizing the shame and guilt of the crimes done against them– because, during the crimes, the perpetrators seemed “mesmerizingly” convinced that the victims deserved it/wanted it/had it coming. It’s incredibly confusing to be faced with someone who has managed to convince themselves down to a cellular level that you’re so evil and bad that you deserve whatever vile aggression and punishment they commit against you. I think that explains a lot of the damage that FWs do. Their self-spellbinding blameshifiness is so intense that it’s nearly contagious.

Stig
Stig
21 days ago

I always love your insights Hellofa, and that appears to be exactly what this FW is trying to do with his offer – ‘I would like for each of us to be accountable going forward – asking for her buy-in as a co-contributor to his previous actions.

One last time
One last time
21 days ago

My ex called last night, as usual mad at me about something. Somewhat pettily I steered the conversation towards her sleeping with a married man, while still married to me. As you can imagine I got a lot of righteous indignation about how it was all my fault. Amazing, I don’t remember asking her to cheat on me.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago
Reply to  One last time

Guilt is ugly. I figure combo cheaters/mate-poachers end up with an extra load of scalding stigma and stinking guilt to externalize onto chumps and so are probably proportionately more nasty during the DARVO stage. If any children were betrayed in the process, DARVO doses likely increase exponentially because it’s really hard to pin the blame on kids so chumps have to inherit the overage. Ergo, you’re the devil incarnate.

unicornomore
unicornomore
22 days ago

This Chump has Mad Mighty skills !! Dealing with her childrens’ crises and a serious chronic disease and yet she supports the family and helps raise the grand kids.

You are awesome, woman !!!

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago
Reply to  unicornomore

ITA. Well done CF38Y!

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
22 days ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Thank you, but we chumps are all mighty!

Stepbystep
Stepbystep
22 days ago

Chumpedfor38years – You are a stronger chump than I.

I found that my healing really started when my divorce was final. The divorce followed a two-year separation (I left when I was 62 years old) and a 30-year marriage. I’ve been completely no contact for about three years.

It sounds like your STBX has nothing to offer, but you may want to share his letter with your lawyer. I can’t see any benefit to sharing it with adult children if it compromises any no contact they’ve accomplished.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  Stepbystep

As tempting as it is to share it with the kids. I have been very careful to let them decide his character. Fortunately, I don’t have to do anything, he screws it up all by himself!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago

When considering how much to share with kids, do factor how relentless and dishonest most abusers can be in campaigning to turn kids against the victim parent. Triangulation is the name of the game for abusers and many excel in it. Abuser parents also have the creepy advantage of triggering “captor bonding” in offspring since, if you think about it, who’s usually the most scary to cross– victim or perp? If you honestly believe your kids are beyond falling for this, then your instinct is commendable and protective. But if there’s any chance that one of your kids still struggles with a bit of Stockholm syndrome regarding exFW, consider being more forthcoming. It’s not “parentizing” if the goal is to prevent an evil divide and conquer campaign.

Elsie_
Elsie_
22 days ago

Parts of this reminded me of my ex, although the overall frame differs.

He had pitched the idea that “life will be different from now on” many times, and it never lasted. He also had a chemical addiction, and six times he quit. Six times, he went back. Our cycle was blowup, stonewalling, blame on me, and then “all better” because I had caved.

During the final pitch, we had been separated long-distance for a year. I didn’t know if he was sober or not. He was vague about how he spent his time and seemed “on the hunt” from what I knew. The pitch was via email, and we hadn’t talked on the phone in months.

He said I could pick out the house of my dreams anywhere but not here, where people knew what a mess he was. So he was buying my affections and wanted me to pretend like the past, including the last year, didn’t exist? We’d have to be the loving couple with a massive pile of baggage behind us. Nope. Dude, wherever you go, there you are. I refused, and we divorced. It was ugly, long, and expensive because of him, and I couldn’t wait to get to the end and move on. If he truly loved me as much as he claimed he did (“I will always love you”), why did he handle it that way?

I think a lot of the push to reconcile was to please his religious family. It was so hollow, and ultimately he didn’t choose women at all like me for his post-divorce social life. No surprise.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  Elsie_

It sounds like you dodged a bullet. Way to be mighty!

Elsie_
Elsie_
21 days ago

Yes, I did. I came to my senses and went on without him.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
22 days ago

Yeah. Been there. I didn’t get an apology, really. But FW’s mistress dumped him and fled the state only a few weeks after they had rented a (rather expensive) house and moved in together after a 4 year affair. FW started being nicer (he’d been extremely antagonistic and continued his abuse throughout our separation). FW started inviting me to do things with him and our son (“we’re grilling burgers, do you want to stay for dinner?”, “do you want to come bowling with us?”). I turned down every invitation because there was no way in hell. I spent years pick me dancing and trying to get him back, but by that point I was so done with him. He did acquiesce to our child changing schools (closer to me) which surprised me as I expected to have to fight for that. When we met up at a restaurant to tell our son about the new school, FW paid for my drink when previously he had nickeled and dimed me for everything. I have no doubt that if I had shown even a modicum of interest, he would have been willing to get back together. But only because he needed someone to take care of him and share the bills, not because he felt any differently about me. Schmoopie left suddenly and unexpectedly, and FW had no backup plan. So that left me. He was incapable of being alone. But I knew (aside from not wanting to go back to an abusive and disrespectful situation where I was basically his mommy and sex toy) that it would only last until he found someone else.

FW couldn’t take being on his own, and in the end he took his own life.

Elsie_
Elsie_
22 days ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

I’m sorry that you went through that. That well could have been my story. My ex had an unsuccessful attempt while we were married, and about four years of hints after we separated. He scared his attorney that way several times.

But we didn’t hear from him in 2023, and I’m still getting pension payments. From what a relative of his told me, he’s busy with a lady friend. Part of me hopes she figures out what she is dealing with, but he will be devastated if it ends.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
22 days ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

Some folks can’t handle the emptiness, it’s true.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
21 days ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Story I got from AP’s kids (via their mother). For context, AP is from 1200 miles north of me, so maintains his own house up there for the 50% (which is actually more like 30%) of his custody time.

AP hadn’t seen his kids for three weeks due to work travel. He lands, picks up his kids, feels ill, tests positive for covid, drops his kids back with their mother and hops on a flight down to stay with his new wife (my ex) and expose my kids. He spent less than two hours in town.

When his daughter asked why he was traveling with covid when he could have just isolated for 5 days in his own (empty) house, he answered “because I would be lonely”.

I’ve been alone for more than five years now, but he can’t handle five days.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago

FWs make a big deal about “needing space” from their partners, but they sure can’t seem to handle it, huh?

I hope your kiddos are okay. And his – the kids really do get shafted in these kinds of situations. I’m sure both you and his ex wife are being the best sane parents you can be, and that’s worth more than gold.

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago

😡 People like him should be charged with endangering the public.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago

Wonder how many elderly and immune compromised people on that flight ended up in ICU or dead to balm that big manbaby’s “wonwiness”?

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
21 days ago

FW used to cry to me on the phone during covid lockdown about how alone he was (our son was staying with me since I was able to work from home and school was virtual). Turns out schmoopie pretty much moved into my house for the whole thing (her kids stayed with her ex husband for the same reasons I had my son with me). I found this out when OW started a podcast and it was the two of them chatting while they cooked, and she said it was so nice to have someone to go to the store with when lockdown was going on because of her anxiety about it all. So FW was never alone, he just wanted me to feel bad for him.

2xchump
2xchump
22 days ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

Narcissists need kibbles by the dump truck full. Mine told our pastor he had to find an internet woman because he could not stand the emptiness of our big house without some one in it (between the sheets). The pastor affirmed him and allowed one of his many OW to sit front row for his rebaptism. Astounding how many men get out the big” I never got ANY” cry towel and all the men nodded. Yeah me either!! It’s very unoriginal.( not all men, but this crowd

Mehitable
Mehitable
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

Why don’t they just get pets? Oh….never mind….you have to take care of a pet.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  Mehitable

Actually, the way I was conditioned to meet HIS needs, I was the pet. A human animal set in place to meet his needs… a one way street. A pet would have been treated kinder.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
22 days ago

“YOU left ME!”

Imagine absolutely blowing the apology in the first two sentences. And of course it doesn’t get better. It never gets better with these types. It’s nothing but blameshifting. This is infuriating to read – may the carpets in his next house be made of legos! And blaming your illness… ooooh, that was bold of him. More lego carpets! More lego carpets!

I’m glad you blocked him. I’m sure Tuesday will be here soon for you!

Last edited 22 days ago by Chump-Domain Cleric
chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago

They all are masters of blame shifting and deflection. I wonder if there is a school for FWs!

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago

I get the feeling it’s a lot of practice, and none of us are their first victims. You’re so mighty, though! MS, caring for your grandchild, working… you kick ass!

Cam
Cam
21 days ago

Imagine absolutely blowing the apology in the first two sentences. 

I was shaking my head at this, too. I think narcissists are brain damaged.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  Cam

I think some of them get so used to having kibble supply that they stop trying to hide who they really are and what they really think

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
22 days ago

Thank you for sharing the nonsense, 38 – laughter can be the best medicine.

FYI_
FYI_
22 days ago

Wow. Wow, wow. He couldn’t even get to the second sentence before pivoting to blame and dishonesty. “Even though you left me” — ?!?! The whole thing is shot through with blame. “I would like us each to be accountable … ” while he is denying any accountability at all for his behavior! Wow.

Helen Reddy
Helen Reddy
21 days ago
Reply to  FYI_

It is blame and dishonesty, but at heart, it is baiting. Anything he can throw in there to get her to engage on his points is something he will use. So he says an outrageous thing: “You left me,” that they both know is blatantly untrue. Likely he’s hoping she’ll take that outrageous bait and reply to protest. Then his next step would’ve been the Charm channel. Some form of ‘of course you’re right, don’t know why I say these things, that’s just how messed up I am without you.” (Sliding into Pity channel).

Truly, it’s all just bait. Casting a line, seeing if you’ll bite. Once you see it like that, it’s not even outrageous or wow (in my view), it’s just pathetically predictable.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
22 days ago
Reply to  FYI_

That’s what stood out to me as well! Ugh, it’s so painful to get through.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago

It used to be very painful and still is to some extent. But I look at it through a different lens now and find it funny!

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago

It is definitely funny, as well! And you should laugh. I’m just caught at the sheer gall of this FW – this is ALL blameshifting. Not even a little pretend accountability. Could be because ex/FW was never that open with his blameshifting after I left – he went straight for charm and self-pity. I got the guilt-trips disguised as I’m sorrys, so I’m used to something slightly more subtle. But it’s hard to choke down just how bad this letter is. It’s near frustrating in its ineptitude and insincerity.

Good on you for getting away and laughing while doing so!

2xchump
2xchump
22 days ago

Please please don’t take this python back, this cold as arctic ice reptile!! No no no! My #1xHCheater played me back and forth for 3 years with a mistress I had no idea about. He put me down and used verbal abuse and neglect then got us pregnant to renew our love ❤️ with a new baby, He’s just baiting the 🪝 and it has worked before so why not? Don’t weaken! Why? Because when you need this reptile he will be our playing and most of all..what all of us chumps need to have engraved on our foreheads is that THIS IS NOT LOVE WE ARE NOT LOVED AT ALL..We are of USE.Like CL Says..just like a good old toaster..Also,just when I thought CL Tracy could not get any funnier, I am laughing my socks off with Kibbles the dog and him snapping those treats up. That’s all we provide for our cheaters, cheap treats while they get their main dishes elsewhere. Trust is blown to smithereens and then you have NOTHING. Stand strong 💪.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

Thanks! The sad thing is that we tell ourselves that the way we were treated is love and think it is the best we can do. No more!

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago

32 years for me with cheater#2. Being alone on my own for one year so far and 6 months post divorce,has been heaven on earth 🌎. What a burden lifted and I am breathing again

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago

32 years…it is my perception that these guys start out with the best intentions but then d/t porn or whatever they tip toe into, then become enamored with themselves and whoever is shoveling kibbles and in my cheaters case..making him his favorite eggs in the cafeteria for breakfast at work. It never ends..like going wild, they never go back into a marriage with only one person. It’s next to impossible to trade lies, sex, variety, freedom of their bodies and soul’s, back into the heart of a sacred marriage. It’s like eating from the tree of good and evil and they pick evil and your love means nothing. Sad

Elizabeth Lee
Elizabeth Lee
22 days ago

Oh, man, what an ass. He sounds just like the ass I was married to. #25years

Why do they always want five kids? Is that the magic number of small people who will provide an adoring audience? Or do they always want to stop when the oldest child becomes less adoring? And why do we victims end up with auto-immune disorders? Why? It’s like the force of the narcissistic personality is beating us all up even if they aren’t doing it physically.

My fellow chumpy friend, you have done well. You have kicked the monster to the curb. Now lock down all sources of contact and go live your happy life. It’s so much better on this side of the divorce.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
22 days ago

I thought the series The Sopranos– in which infidelity is a driving theme– did a brilliant job of profiling, deromanticizing and exposing the ugliness of various criminally disordered types, including a variety of cheaters and “side pieces.” Most of it was written or shot before the Buss dark triad studies on “mate poachers,” yet the side piece depictions seem like they’re straight out of the research. For instance (spoiler) Janice Soprano, the sister of the titular character, seems to be a hybristophile who’s attracted to dangerous, sadistic, violently misogynistic men and blatant betrayers but, beyond engaging in some symbolically violent kink, it’s as if she draws a sense of specialness for being exempt from that violence and betrayal. She helps one psycho plot against her own brother but, when he turns his violence on her, she’s actually blindsided and kills him in a fit of rage. Then she gets involved with another murderous psycho who’s in a relationship with a close family friend. She gets off on the betrayal of the latter and enjoys having sex while the second psycho is on the phone with his girlfriend. But the instant the second psycho officially breaks it off with the girlfriend, Janice rejects him in a fit of revulsion and throws him down a stairwell.

There’s also an arc in the series in which Tony Soprano figures out that he repeatedly gets involved with affair partners who, no matter how much they mirror and exude girlish charm at the start, eventually emerge as dead ringers for his psychopathic mother. His therapist points out that his wife, Carmela, was the one exception to his pattern of fatal reenactments. Of course the therapist herself is eventually revealed as a collaborator who’s merely been patching up a mass murderer with the result of creating a better adjusted, more effective mass murderer.

Anyway, the side piece who quickly loses attraction to and rejects the cheater once there’s no longer a victim/chump around to punish and betray seems to be one of the stock tropes in cheaterland. I wouldn’t call it karma, more like a closed “no honor among thieves” loop of chronic betrayers who will invariably end up betraying each other in various ways.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago

There’s a lot of truth to this. Ex/FW had supposedly been chasing after ex/OW (I still need to think of a better title for her) before we started dating, but she only reciprocated AFTER we started dating. I used to think it was because she wanted him as a backup, but after reading so many of the stories on here, I’m not so sure. I’ve always wondered if ex/OW promptly dropped his ass after I disappeared from the scene. I have no way of checking, as I don’t have contact with anyone in his circle, and he hid it from his friends, as far as I can tell. (His friends hated his ex and wouldn’t have tolerated such behavior from him, anyways.) But I do wonder…

Mighty Warrior
Mighty Warrior
21 days ago

CDC, I was left by the ex after 26 years, no kids. I was dumped and blamed (usual list of my failings, vehement denial of an affair, suggestion that ‘we are holding each other back’ etc). 8 weeks later I discovered the long-standing, long-distance (across the Atlantic and half of Canada while he was in England with me) affair with his ex gf from school. She dumped him first when he was about to do his final law degree exams at uni. She dumped him again when she had found herself the man she ultimately married and moved with to Canada and then had kids with before becoming a – cue loud laugh – life coach. I call her exgfOW because that describes her perfectly. It’s all she is – a zero. As the ex has minimal gumption, and looking at what little I know, it seems that they were always in contact as ‘best friends’. I assume that progressed when her marriage broke down and she needed a willing fool to fill the gap. I was the collateral damage of their toxic relationship. I can now see that it literally poisoned our entire time together. I am pleased that I did not accept his generous offer to be the ‘closest of close friends’. If that offer had been attractive to me, no doubt he would have circled back round. Not least because time has told that he was holding me back even though I am now 64 (he’s 58 this year and exgfOW 57 – neither of them will be ageing well). His life is going less well. His supposed to be epic legal career has stalled. A close mutual friend, and parent to the joint godson, said, unsolicited by me, ‘that relationship will end in murder’. At which I shrugged. I’m 4.5 years out and nearly 4 years no contact. I post this to say that being left for an ex has its own special kind of craziness and self-doubt. And to chumpedafter38years, you are awesome and I’m so pleased that you find your idiot’s behaviour funny now. They are laughable people. Wishing you well for the future.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago

I have always wanted to watch that series, I will make it a priority now!

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago

It’s modern Shakespeare in some ways. Series creator David Chase uses a clever “Brechtian” device of at first seducing viewers into finding various criminal characters charismatic or funny or just dangerously charming, then he sort of flips it into a ditch and shows the hideous underbelly. The psychology of the characters is very complex and true to life, probably because Chase grew up around that macho culture and has a bone to pick to pick with it. He complained later that some viewers remained avid fans of certain characters even after the characters had been exposed as vile psychopaths so he’d keep trying to reveal more ugliness to shake off the admirers. I thought it was a noble effort and not his fault some people happen to be charmed by mass murderers.

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago

The scene where Janice kills Richie is one of my all time favorites. As much as I hated Janice, I hated Richie more.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Richie is even more repulsive than Ralph and that says a lot. But neither has as high a body count as the charming Tony who loves duckies and horsies (like Hitler loved dogs).

Starry-Eyed
Starry-Eyed
22 days ago

“I’m sorry for cheating even thought it was all completely your fault, now how about we take that trip we always wanted?”

What is with cheaters and trips? It’s such a cliche in infidelity stories for the cheater to think that taking a vacation with the chump is somehow going to fix everything.

Stig
Stig
21 days ago
Reply to  Starry-Eyed

I think it helps soothe them to think that they couldn’t hurt you that much, because you were really in the relationship for all the ‘perks’ that they offered ie they use their own projection as a reference, and because their attachment is shallow/transactional (for whatever reason) they think yours was too, and appealing to your, ‘what’s in it for me?’ side will win you back over.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  Starry-Eyed

Sometimes it does …temporarily. and is cheaper than consequences

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago
Reply to  Starry-Eyed

FWs love vacations because it’s an escape from their empty everyday lives, and escapism is what FWs universally engage in. The novelty gives them a lift. They can play out a fantasy that since they are somewhere else, they can be someone else.

I used to know two couples who were constantly on vacations because that was the only time they could get along. They fought constantly. One of the husbands was a serial cheater and another was just a selfish, passive aggressive dick. The women were both extremely materialistic. They were friends and relatives of FW, so I no longer have to see any of them. 😀

I know FW was envious of their many vacations, being an escapist himself. The times FW and I would go away without the kids, he would start acting like a different guy. He would be unusually attentive, complimenting me way too much. Far from being pleased, it creeped me out because I knew it was just him using me for a fantasy. He would inevitably drop the mask at some point if his fantasy hit a speed bump. One time I went for a walk while he was busy doing something else. I ending up getting lost. When I found my way back at last, he was irrationally furious with me, as if I had intended to be lost. I got the silent treatment the rest of the day. After experiencing that, his changed behavior on those vacations signaled to me that I was supposed to be cooperating with his fantasy, otherwise he’d rage. It was just another form of control.

Last edited 21 days ago by OHFFS
Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
21 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

So well said. Their fantasies always do hit speed bumps.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

My last cheater treated me like a paid escort the last 3 years of our marriage. If he didn’t get exactly what he wanted 100% he would pout and mope around and tell me I had not hit his fantasy for our trip
The last year together I infuriated him with NOs even on trips. I had no idea he was doing strangers and getting massages etc and his expectations were rolling from those woman,to me. After 30 years together this was a more dramatic shift, though it had been there in a minor red flag, all along

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

Yes, exactly. You are there only as an escort and fantasy enabler, not a real person to share new experiences with.
I now consider it a red flag if somebody takes a lot of vacations and would not date such a person even if I was interested in dating. There may be other explanations for taking lots of trips, but why take the chance.

Cam
Cam
21 days ago
Reply to  Starry-Eyed

They’re egocentric and allergic to responsibility, so it makes sense cheaters’ ideal way of spending time is running away from reality to sandy beaches and resorts where they can be waited on hand and foot.

It’s also how they think of relationships. Why do all the work of building and maintaining a life together (and all that entails: paying bills, holding a job, taking care of kids and elderly parents) when you can just party all the time and have sex and drink cocktails?

Stig
Stig
21 days ago
Reply to  Cam

Yep, to FWs, life should be all about the payoffs. They simultaneously ask ‘what’s in it for me?’ before doing anything, ie are no keen on anything where they can’t see a tangible payoff, but then usually want you to do all the work so they can enjoy those rewards.

susie lee
susie lee
21 days ago
Reply to  Starry-Eyed

It is weird. I didn’t realize it at the time of course, but just before Christmas (right after TG) fw said he wanted to do a family visit sweet, my brother and dad, in TX and our son who was stationed in AZ. It was horrible, he was awful on the trip, acted normal in front of family but stone cold to me in private. He walked out the door New Years Day.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
22 days ago

As a veteran from my DDay and divorce over 6 years ago. it is “sad” to read someone’s comment who mentions that they are almost at Tuesday when their divorce isn’t final yet. If she was married to a true narcissist, like I was, she has years of hard work ahead of her. I was in therapy for years before DDay because I am disabled. So I was ahead of the game, so to speak. I filed for divorce 2 1/2 weeks after DDay. My psych, therapist, lawyer, church elders, and family got it thru my head that my now ex wife was a narcissist/BPD and I needed to divorce her. I am still in therapy and also did EMDR. I eventually rebuilt my life and remarried. So my Tuesday eventually came.

I wish you the best in your recovery. Your ex husband isn’t truly sorry for what he did, you are Plan B.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

I will say, some people just heal quicker. I think circumstances factor into this – age, time, support circle, distance from FW – but I think some of it is also just the individual and how they process things. 38 may very well be on the way to Meh, or not – it’s a little different for everyone!

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

They are never truly sorry. Just hate the consequences and need a plan B or C before they drop you again or keep you on for cake.

OutButNotDown
OutButNotDown
22 days ago

“I would like for us to EACH be accountable going forward”, “…discuss the issues in our marriage that MADE me cheat.”

Both classic blameshifting statements make my blood boil. I heard very similar statements from my ex after I left, an ex who was also shockingly neglectful towards me in the face of any health issues I had in our 26+ years together. And whiny because it meant I was not being a well functioning slave, couldn’t give him good supply at those times. Of COURSE I had tons of health issues, living with his abuse for decades – the body does keep the score.

P.s. Dr. Ramani says a test of how narcissistic someone is involves seeing how they do with your illness. Big fail in this FW of the original poster, and I suspect for many of us in CN.

Mighty Warrior
Mighty Warrior
21 days ago
Reply to  OutButNotDown

So true, OBND, and Dr Ramani is a wise woman! I also ask myself, what is it with the 25/26 years marker (plus the 10 years of not being happy but failing to mention it)? I was dumped in 2019. A few weeks after my father’s death. Early that year I broke my knee quite badly in a skiing accident. At that time I was a 59 year old woman who had never spent a night in hospital. My health was and still is robust. I’d travelled 1.5 hours each way by foot and tube to work full time with a broken foot in a boot for 9 months a few years previously with no complaints! I had to be tough. The ex behaved like a total pratt while I was injured and I spent the whole 2 months of recovery minimising what I was going through. He refused to take time off work to help, did tasks with such a bad grace that I tried to do them myself, moaned, did nothing to cheer me up. The selfish POS. During the discard that year he was talking about 2 women he worked with. He complained about their ‘work ethic’. Both had illnesses. His exact words were ‘I hate people who are ill’. And he did. I so enjoy the thought of how his ‘perfect’ relationship with his now very elderly parents may be going and, as a functioning alcoholic, his own health is standing up to the strain of being early 58. His parents were unpleasant people dressed up in charm so I imagine that they are now tricky customers. Of course, these types make terrible patients! Or impatients in the case of the ex. I am grateful every day that I do not have to be part of that world.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  OutButNotDown

After emergency surgery and removal of over a foot of my bowel, my #2 cheater was miffed i was not lined up for sex after 2 weeks. He thought that was plenty of time. I gave in and took the pain because I never believed he cared about me and I could be disposed of. Replaced. Fast forward 9 years and i was. It didn’t matter how much i did, gave or gave up. I was never enough. I struggle still being enough for me, but I see progress. He’s not the boss of me anymore

OutButNotDown
OutButNotDown
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

Oh 2xchump that’s horrible! I hope you can realize you are enough, and not let a callous, selfish person take up residence in your head that you are not.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  OutButNotDown

Sadly I had been conditioned and raised, nursed on the cycle of abuse from infancy, into my first and second cheater marriages. The amazing news is that NO CONTACT and no dating post divorce as yet, has provided me with steps towards my Healing and restoring my self respect, FINALLY. Weekly therapy with MOCSA ( for secually abused woman- free counseling and support)has saved me. Chump nation, Tracy all of you have taught me to stand strong in the face of abuse throughput my entire life. Groomed and conditioned to be hurt like this. . I’m getting better!!! NO CONTACT WITH ANY OF MY ABUSERS, father, first cheater second cheater, EVERY CHEATER IN MY LIFE IS BLOCKED..has saved me.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

Ugh. This reminds me that my ex felt sorry for himself that we had to abstain from intercourse for a time after the births of our three kids. It was all about his pain and suffering. He sulked.

Crazy to look back on it all and see the blatant selfishness and utter disregard for the impact of childbirth on a woman’s body.

marissachump
marissachump
21 days ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“This reminds me that my ex felt sorry for himself that we had to abstain from intercourse for a time after the births of our three kids. It was all about his pain and suffering. He sulked.”

This. My story isn’t as profound as luckily there were no children or childbirths. But cheater would blame me and talk about cheater’s pain and suffering when we had to abstain because of the infections cheater gave me through the cheating. Then used my constant super painful infections as justification to cheat further.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Looking back now, I see the muddy boot 👢 prints all over our 30 years together. I am in therapy and get these shocks like….it that what he was doing?? Is that why he said this or that. I have ah ha moments and not in a good way. My poor abused 🧠 brain is now allowed to report to my confused 💔heart, the truth it knew all along. The dissonance with the lies and wanting to believe was short circuited and now the connections are coming together. I’m sad alot at what I thought was acceptable.

Mighty Warrior
Mighty Warrior
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

2xchump, sending warm thoughts. My 71 year old neighbour was chumped 30 plus years ago. She lives happily with her ‘new’ partner of 23 years or so. She was a great support to me. And she still says that, occasionally, she has a lightbulb moment about her ex and thinks ‘ah, that’s why he said that, did that bought that …’. I assume that this will be happening until I die. That instant of realisation is not always pleasant.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  Mighty Warrior

I call these spiritual awakenings. Ahha moments. I am safe to have those now. Brilliant insights into my participation and his use of me in a very sick dance. It is a beautiful thing to be free and ZERO CONTACT so I can recover my sweet and tender self again.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

On my end, my crappy immune system and later gallbladder removal were treated as character defects I had, and he often refused to help except to threaten to take me to the ER because I wasn’t recovering fast enough. We didn’t have ER money – I’m in medical debt as is. And I’m not sure what they would have done for me, anyways.

…mistreatment when ill and cheating really do seem to go hand-in-hand…

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago

Don’t you think it is all a package deal with devaluing and objectifying a person ? Your illness, headache, major surgery, fever,pregnancy, childbirth…removes their centrality..the kibbles are slower and the unknown pick- me- dance slows to a crawl. Hey what about my needs??? Where’s my back rub??

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

Oh, absolutely. They hate paying attention to other people and providing for them. Unless, of course, it results in immediate praise and kibbles.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago

You know, my #2 XH cheater, took such good care of his dad when he was ill and aging. His dad died at age 92 in 2019. As soon as his dad died my XCH started seriously devaluing me and taking on and off his wedding band, threats and the basement was active etc. My therapist said I was “used ‘to help him with his dad for 32 years and raise his kids( my steps). After the kids left home and his daD died, i was no longer useful. My therapist also said that people like this can appear to be caring but it is surface. Even Jeffrey Dahmer was nice to some family members and could appear caring. The acting is what gets me

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

That’s very true as well! As I said, they won’t do it… UNLESS there’s kibbles or some other benefit involved. Being nice to you meant he got to reproduce (and make sure his offspring had a good parent) and got help in taking care of his elderly father. I can’t imagine what it feels like to have someone fake it for so long… stay mighty!

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago

I do believe these abuser cheaters cannot be happy no matter who they use or how much they demand centrality and kibbles to survive. It must be its own hell to never ever feel you can get enough to satisfy your desires. They cannot ever have true inner peace, true love or true happiness. Is that not hell?

KattheBat
KattheBat
21 days ago

“ You could tip over face first into a pile of cow flop. Wouldn’t that be nice?”

I’m thinking of that scene in George of the Jungle:

“Bad guy falls in poop! Classical element of physical comedy. Now is the time we throw our heads back and laugh. Ready?”

“Ready!”

(Three guys together) AAAAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  KattheBat

Remembering this made me smile. For anyone who needs the clip, here ya go!

https://youtu.be/UNXy3z_NfCI?si=c3U7h5EwgzImBiEL

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  KattheBat

Hahaha!

All a Blur
All a Blur
21 days ago

…discuss the issues in our marriage that made me cheat. 

I am seldom astonished by FWs anymore, but damn, that’s breathtaking chutzpah.

The real mystery at the heart of all cheating is really –how did we chumps figure out how to take control of another human and force them to commit adultery? We are indeed mighty sorcerors. You’d think these FWs would tremble in fear at coming back into the orbit of our awesome powers.

Cam
Cam
21 days ago
Reply to  All a Blur

For real. If we had control over our fuckwits, they’d actually fear consequences.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  All a Blur

Right? Like I could control him or would want to!

susie lee
susie lee
21 days ago
Reply to  All a Blur

If I had that much power, I would have used it better to my benefit.

Cam
Cam
21 days ago

Even though you left me to take care of (daughter) and (grandchild), 

OMG, fuck this guy. He’s still blaming you for his cheating – for you doing your duty as a mother and grandmother, no less! Any normal person would love you for that, not use it as an excuse to hurt all of you.

After he left me and rented a home for them, she informed him that she had decided to stay with her husband! Apparently he pleaded and begged, contacted her husband, and even made a scene at her work place and told her that she had ruined his life! 

comment image

Congratulations on your divorce! Enjoy the wonderful new life you’ve built without the idiot.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
21 days ago
Reply to  Cam

It tells me that the FW cares very little about his children and grandchildren. Heartbreaking, honestly. Most people would be rushing to move with their partner, desperate to help support them.

At least we chumps can cackle, just a little, when we see natural consequences boomerang right back. It feels like we don’t see it enough, and it’s never guaranteed, but it is good to know they do occur. (Obviously, your Meh should not depend on this – disentangling your happiness from your FW is very big step on the way to Tuesday!)

Last edited 21 days ago by Chump-Domain Cleric
OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago

Even for a FW, this guy is an extra special level of evil. He refuses to support a wife with an illness? Wtf? Then he claims she “left” him, though they had made an agreement to both move there, with him arriving later? CF38Y, (whose immune system can particularly ill afford to take the hit) gets an STD from him, and his only worry is the whore he got it from? Then he blames her MS for his cheating? 🤬
I want to punch this guy repeatedly, until my fist is covered in blisters. FWs who cheat on partners who are ill or disabled are from the same school of creepery as those who cheat on their pregnant wives. There is nothing lower.
Block this subhuman bag of garbage from sending you any more of this tommyrot, CF38Y.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
21 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

100% agree!! You nailed it.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

And who knows if your MS wasn’t triggered by this moron bringing viruses home to your body.
We’ll never know the cost to our precious selves and to our health story when we are connecting with a cheater. It defies logic. Our bodies keep score.

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago
Reply to  2xchump

Good point.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Thanks! He even had the nerve to quit his job thinking it would get him out of paying any spousal support. Fortunately for me our judge, whose husband cheated on her, told him exactly how things were going to go down!

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago

Omg! It just gets worse!
I love that judge. Sadly, judges who truly understand what justice means are pretty rare.

susie lee
susie lee
21 days ago

” You could tip over face first into a pile of cow flop. Wouldn’t that be nice?””

Honestly that is how I see what happened to fw, he threw himself face first into cow flop, no question. I think he didn’t realize that he had to take himself with him when he left me. But of course if I was the problem, then why would he worry about that.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
21 days ago
Reply to  susie lee

“I think he didn’t realize that he had to take himself with him when he left me.”

I TOLD FW this. That wherever he went, he’d take himself with him. A new relationship wouldn’t solve his issues (I was pick me dancing hard at the time). FW wanted a “fresh start” because he couldn’t forget the things he’d done to me and neither could I. And I said that him leaving didn’t mean those things didn’t happen. His real reason was that he wanted someone to look at him with stars in her eyes, and I couldn’t do that after all the abuse he put me through. I’d seen his true face and what he was capable of. He needed someone who was ignorant about all that. (Funny thing – once the mask came off, schmoopie left him so fast he didn’t know WHAT happened.)

susie lee
susie lee
21 days ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

Yep.

My fw’s schmoop didn’t leave, she had no job, and no prospects so she stayed. I bet those stars dimmed when she was staring down the barrel of a bankruptcy and moving to a one bedroom apt with a tine kitchenette.

Spaceman Spiff
Spaceman Spiff
21 days ago

I’ve never tried heroin, but if this type of karma came for my ex I imagine it would be a similar feeling.

Cam
Cam
21 days ago
Reply to  Spaceman Spiff

It’s the middle of the workday where I am and I’m seriously trying to refrain from breaking out the bubbly over here.

marissachump
marissachump
21 days ago

“It has been very difficult for me to deal with your illness.”

This threw me into sheer rage. Poor sad sausage. YOUR disabling illness has been hard on HIM. What an ableist POS. That line alone tells me everything one could possibly need to know about the depths of his selfishness and depravity. I am so glad to hear you got away from him!

Samsara
Samsara
20 days ago
Reply to  marissachump

Nice catch Marissa. Exactly this. This FW is all shades of wrong and completely FUBAR.
Love those consequences though! 38 is a legend for surviving this heinous individual.

OHFFS
OHFFS
21 days ago
Reply to  marissachump

Me too. That alone made me livid. Combined with the rest of his filthy actions and selfish complaints, I can in all seriousness say that he does not deserve the gift of life.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  marissachump

Character doesn’t change, it is only revealed!

Anna
Anna
21 days ago

What a shallow and delusional POS. Abuses and discards his wife of 38 years who is ill. Assumes that she will take him back after he has humiliated and treated her so badly. Obtuse POS.
So glad that LW blocked his sorry ass. Cheers to your new life. 🥂

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
21 days ago

Chumped for 38 Years:

My advice would be to share FW’s totally unoriginal (oh yawn) email with your attorney just in case he tries some monkey business in your last two weeks of wedded bliss (never sell their 11th hour desperation short).

Mehitable
Mehitable
21 days ago

“I want us to see a marriage counselor and discuss the issues in our marriage that made me cheat. “

Nobody makes you cheat. You cheat BECAUSE YOU WANT TO. I bet this was not the first cow he rode at the rodeo. Enjoy your wife and family-free life, CHEATER!!!!

Mehitable
Mehitable
21 days ago

I love how POS makes it seem like his wife LEFT HIM to take care of daughter and grandchild instead of a mutually agreed arrangement to move in phases to take care of them. He probably was cheating with this OW before our LW even moved. These cheaters rewrite more history than Stalin.

chumpedfor38years
chumpedfor38years
21 days ago
Reply to  Mehitable

Absolutely!

Mehitable
Mehitable
21 days ago
Reply to  Mehitable

It’s the shit eating….DEAREST…..that brings it all to life for me.

Viktoria
Viktoria
21 days ago

Get out the bullshit spray!

Velvet Hammer
Velvet Hammer
21 days ago

This is the emotional and psychological blueprint of people who get involved in affairs. Whether it’s the party pretending to be in a committed relationship and deceiving/abusing a partner, or the secret side piece, who is also deceiving/abusing that partner, they are all the same.

Prior to the Internet, we did not have the ability to compare notes about our experiences on such a large scale. Thankfully, with the miracle of modern technology, the days of feeling unique and alone in anything one can imagine suffering are over. If I was alone with my thoughts and feelings and experiences, I have no idea where I would be but it would be an endless fresh hell daily.

The behavior, the thinking, the rationalizing, the justification, the words that come from those who participate in secret sexual double lives is so stunningly similar, I am starting to think there is a DNA strand.

I had to take the time I took to process all what happened, but I arrived, body, mind, spirit, heart, and soul at the simple conclusion that people who do this are degenerate dangerous losers that are best avoided.

Stick with the winners, as we say in 12 step programs.

Cheaters, liars, and thieves are by definition not winners.

Ka-chump
Ka-chump
21 days ago
Reply to  Velvet Hammer

Yes!! And those of us who walked away based on our instincts got shunned and punished by the unwitting ignorant enablers.

The Internet saved me from the isolation of saying No to abuse before I could even dream of naming it ‘abuse’.

Mehitable
Mehitable
21 days ago
Reply to  Velvet Hammer

“Prior to the Internet, we did not have the ability to compare notes about our experiences on such a large scale.” Brilliant point!

Cam
Cam
21 days ago
Reply to  Velvet Hammer

I remember the first malignant narcissist I met in college 20 years ago. Nobody was talking about personality disorders then. I thought abuse meant obvious stuff like beatings. I’d never heard of gaslighting, smear campaigns, or even verbal abuse.

ThreeTimesAChump
ThreeTimesAChump
21 days ago

Good thing that you didn’t take him up on that wonderful European vacation offer…probably would have ended up at the bottom of a ravine or Eurail tracks.

2xchump
2xchump
21 days ago

A cruise you accidentally slip!! But that happens more than we know

Bluewren
Bluewren
21 days ago

Sorry….
Sorry they are left by themselves.
Sorry they’re not getting sex.
Sorry they don’t have anyone who’s of use to them.
I’m glad you have more respect for yourself than going back to that.

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
21 days ago

$$$ Divorce settlement > $Trip to Europe

C’mon, we all know who would actually pay for the trip to Europe 🤣