Dear Chump Lady,
I usually follow your advice, but I did engage with my FW husband tonight after he disappeared for a week. It turns out he was on a luxury vacation for his birthday-that he “deserved” by the way. I got into a back and forth with him. He has the nerve to call me a bad parent while he REFUSES to make any type of schedule to see our son.
He then had to nerve to have his affair partner send me a text. I did not engage with the AP, but the whole thing made me want to vomit. My FW and I have been together for 15 years, and I have never heard of this great friend.
Plus, this woman with all of the degrees and money, is a fitness model. I caught my FW sending her $1000 via Zelle before he even breathed a word about wanting a divorce. He has also been spending obscene amounts of money on this woman like it was water. From looking at some of his finances (of course he has not handed them all over), he has paid for EVERYTHING. He has paid for first class plane tickets, luxury travel, expensive gifts…… you know the routine. I would love it if you would put it through the UBT. I am currently in the very early stages of my divorce.
By way of context, the AP is insinuating that I was looking for someone to raise my son when I met FW. I did not introduce my son to FW until we had dated for a year. My older son’s father was always involved in his life, unlike my current FW. He helped me co-parent with my ex for 13 years, but now I somehow duped him into helping me raise my son.
My FW had this woman watch our son the week after he moved out. She then never showed up the second day to watch him. I did not know about my FW’s new nanny until my son came home and told me about his dad’s new “helper.”
A huge fan and new chump,
Dear Unicorn Queen,
A fitness model? Is that what they’re calling prostitutes now?
Anyway, make sure to document the theft of marital assets for your attorney. That’s money you can ask for back in the divorce.
An educated guess: I’d look back over your last 13 years of finances too. This is probably not the first fitness model your husband has been supporting.
I don’t see why he (or nanny-model-orifice-for-hire) is watching him. Talk to your lawyer about this as a custody issue. There are often clauses so new paramours can’t be introduced to kids. So, grey rock for you and Junior with this FW, okay? And consider some therapy for your son. I’m sure this must be a hard adjustment for him, plus he’s probably dealing with the guilt of outing FW’s “helper” to you.
Now then, let’s feed your FW’s helper friend to the Universal Bullshit Translator.
(For all her money and degrees, OW apparently never learned to use punctuation or paragraph breaks, so the UBT will be inserting some. You’re welcome.)
Hi, this is (Fitness Model), FW’s friend that you’d like to call a “whore.”
I don’t just take Zelle. I also take Venmo and ApplePay.
I just wanted to sent this message to you with no expectation for your response and once for ever.
I’m just sending you this one singular time. But also forever. So I’m in your head. Like an ear worm. 🎵 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer...🎵
You need to know what I know FW for as long as I know myself and he was always simply just a friend until AFTER FW was separated from YOU!
You’ve been with him 13 years? Yeah, well I’ve been with him since BIRTH! I can’t imagine why we’ve never met or he never mentioned me. His luxury cruise, cubic zirconia tennis bracelet, high-thread count bed sheets friend!
Nobody was cheating on you and nobody needed to do so!
FW has said all along, since my birth, that you’re separated. In that living together, co-parenting kind of way.
I’m not sure why you keep dragging me into this situation as I asked FW millions of times if he thinks he wants to go back to his previous life and he answer to everyone including me was NO!
Everyone knows but you that you’re separated! And he doesn’t want to come back! I am the pick me dance winner! A gladiator in the fuckwit thunder dome. Do not challenge me!
Why are you dragging me into this situation? I will send you an unsolicited text. #stopdraggingme
We were witnessing his problems with you as a friend before and the time I wasn’t in touch with him I heard about it, none had anything to do with me, Amore.
People just sent me breaking news on the status of his martial relationship. As friends do.
I have no idea why you hurt yourself, your child and want to hurt FW because your imagination is telling you I am a “whore” and I need FW to take care of me and I need to get on my knees to make money!
Sometimes I get on my back. Or dangle from a trapeze. Or pole dance.
Why you would wish to do so? Just because I’m beautiful and fashionable and independent?
In that independent wire-me-$1000 kind of way. #beautiful #WesternUnion
You think I’m not a woman at the age of 41 and I don’t care about children because I don’t have one?
No, because you’re fucking a married man, you nitwit.
(Excuse me, the UBT slipped.)
Because I was responsible enough to not bring a child into this world before I’m sure about the father of my child to have to look for the next husband to take care of my child?!
Come on woman you need to respect me because if anyone should judge, it should be me!
I judge you.
And I worked too hard in my life to be called a “whore” like I said I know you wish but one day you’ll open your heart and mind and will see the reality, no hard feelings!
You call me a whore. I call you a bad mother, conspire about your marriage, and squander your assets. No hard feelings!
Also I have enough degrees And assets on my name to not ever need anything from anyone in life but a good heart and soul and confidence and class!
I have nothing but love for you and I wish you all the best.
Just go away and leave his bank account to me.
I just want you to know the day I took care of (your son) when FW had an emergency call, I took care of (child) with my whole heart and soul and I went above and beyond to make him happy and laugh cuz he deserve to be happy and he is incredible and too innocent to have to deal with any drama.
We had extra cheesy crust pizza. I put my whole heart and soul into those pizza toppings.
I hung out with a boy for a few hours. Feel my noble spirit.
I want you to know I totally understand your feelings as a mother
In that never-had-a-child-but-I can-order-a-pizza kind of way.
and I respect that and if you don’t want me to be around your child it’s totally understandable and I won’t, but you don’t have to disrespect or assume or imagine things to hurt yourself and everyone else.
I fuck your husband. I feed your kid. #R-E-S-P-E-C-T
I want you to know again I have nothing to do with what happened between you two and it just happened that we started to be closer after you guys separated and FW have moved on and made me sure he will never want to go back to his previous life.
Now that everyone’s lawyered up, this is the timeline and I’m sticking to it.
I want you to know that I am always here if you guys needs any help
Because that would be your first call for validation and support — your husband’s mistress.
Just ready to lend you a helping hand. Inflate a flat tire. Jumpstart a dead battery. Call you a bad mother.
I wish you both fast healing and recovery and easy moving on and a great coparenting ahead.
Disappear already. I won the turd.
I’m sure time will prove everything eventually.
Fast-forward to when I discover his other fitness models.
All my love!
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