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I just discovered I was cheated on. Now what?

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Avoid feelings of paralysis

If you just discovered you’ve been cheated on, your job right now is to take very good care of yourself. You’re in shock. Most likely you either feel numb, like you’re having an out of body experience, or you feel searing emotional pain. (Sorry to say, you’re probably going to alternate between these two states for a while.) You need to devise a triage plan in the short term.

Sleep. You can’t function without it. This shit is exhausting. Call your doctor, if need be, and get on some Ambien. Get your rest – You need your wits about you right now.

Eat. People who’ve been cheated on joke morosely about the “Infidelity Diet.” It’s not uncommon to lose 10 lbs a week from the sheer stress. People in shock tend to lose their appetite. You may feel revolted by food now, or have terrible thoughts about the infidelity that make you throw up. This crappy stage will pass. But for now – make sure you’re downing something each day (not high balls at the bar, okay?). Protein shakes, soup, water. You not only require proper rest, you need physical stamina for the adrenaline rollercoaster ahead. Recovery from infidelity is a marathon. It’s a fucking, long haul. Fuel accordingly.

Do I sound like your mom? Is this very boring, basic advice? Well, I promise you, unless you tend to these very basic things like remembering to eat and sleep (all very easy to blow off given that you’re in crisis), you aren’t going to have the wherewithal to act in your own best interest.

Be a field marshall. Resist the urge to give in to feelings of paralysis. I know this crap is overwhelming, but you need to make a plan. If your spouse, upon discovery is falling all over his or herself in apologies and promises — don’t buy it. You need to protect yourself. Infidelity is an act of aggression. People who will cheat on you will fuck you over in a multitude of other ways as well. Financially, physically, emotionally. Now is the time to see a lawyer to find out your rights. (Yes, even if you have no intention of divorcing and cannot bear the thought — SEE A LAWYER. Knowledge is power.) Check your finances and move money (only half) into a new account. Make a counseling appointment for YOURSELF. (Not a marriage counseling appointment — that’s pointless until the cheater is out of the affair or has stopped lying. A state that takes awhile to achieve, assuming they ever get there.) And protect your health. You need to get STD testing. Sorry, this sucks. But you really don’t know where all they’ve been. And I promise you, they aren’t copping to all of it.

Get IRL support. It’s very normal to feel ashamed that this happened to you. You might feel at some level that you’re somehow to blame or that this whole mess is mortifying. You’re probably also on the fence about whether or not the relationship will survive the infidelity, and perhaps fervently want it to. So you may hesitate to reach out to people in your life who can help you, for fear of exposing the cheater — and also of embarrassing yourself or dooming a reconciliation. Please put those fears aside. You need to draw supportive friends and family close to you now. This isn’t your fault and this isn’t your shame to wear. It is the cheater’s. If you are to reconcile, the cheater needs to do the hard work of not only winning you back, but winning back the trust and respect of those who love you as well.

Find online support. Even with the most compassionate of friends and family, if they haven’t been cheated on before, they don’t know how you feel. A support group can help immensely. Beware, however, that a lot of sites skew toward reconciliation. Chump Lady is not optimistic about reconciliation — and would hate to see you stuck in a bad situation longer because of false hope.  The best thing about finding online support is that you are with other people going through the same thing, at the same time. A sort of Congress of the Fucked Over. The solidarity can’t be beat.

Know that whatever happens you’re going to be okay. Really. You will survive this shit. I did and you will too. Not only will you survive it, there’s an excellent chance that you will end up with a much better life than you had before. I swear, you’ve got a bright future on the other side of this nightmare — start moving toward it.

 

 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I have been married for 28 years to a wonderful man. He is a hard worker and good provider for us. We only have one child. She is in her twenties and recently married. Through the years, we have had our ups and downs but have managed to get through them. Less than a year ago, I discovered my husband had been involved with another women that he deals with in his professional life. He says it doesn’t mean anything and that he does not love her but they were involved with one another for over two years. He says that they did not have sex. My husband has a vasectomy and she is also married. He says he ended the affair but I have since come to find out other details that make me question even that aspect of his story. Someone recently told me that this other woman and her husband have been going to marriage counseling since about the same time that my husband says he ended the affair. I must admit this is not his first affair. We went through this about 15 -16 years ago. However, I think that this one is a lot different then the first one because of the amount of time and energy he put into this other woman. There’s just something different about the entire feel of this affair. I love my husband. Can a long-term affair not have physical ties? Am I being unrealistic in believing what he tells me about the relationship? Should I contact the other woman and hear her side? Is my marriage salvageable? I have vested so much into the life we have created. How can I throw away 28 years of my life?

    • Well Vickie, I wouldn’t throw away 29. It sounds like you have a serial cheater. This isn’t his first rodeo. Can a long-term affair not have sex? IMO, no. Grown ups like to have sex. They have sex. Men don’t invest a lot of time and energy in a young woman romantically unless it leads to sex. Cheaters lie and he’s lying to you. You want to believe him, but this isn’t someone you should put your trust in.

      Do not contact the other woman (OW). Contact her husband. Let him know ASAP what’s going on and share with him whatever evidence you’ve gotten. Your husband will scream bloody murder — don’t tell him you’re doing it, just do it. And his reaction will tell you exactly what your gut already knows — he hasn’t ended the affair. By telling the OW’s husband, you’re doing the decent thing (he should know the truth) AND he’s your best ally in outing the affair and ending things.

      But even if it ends, it still leaves you with a cheating, lying husband. You can’t reconcile (and I suggest you don’t but if you want to walk into that propeller…) unless you have honesty, transparency (he gives you all his passwords, computer files, cell phone records, etc. which makes you the marriage police), remorse, and no contact with the OW. That is your BASELINE and then it’s several hard years of slogging through therapy. IMO serial cheaters like cake. It’s a lifestyle. It’s their preferred Nirvanic state. (See my post in April on the theory of cake). I think you’ll be throwing away more years of your life if you stay with this guy.

      Some individual therapy could really help you. Don’t do marriage counseling, because he’s still in the affair and lying, so it’s pointless. Work on you. There’s a good life on the other side of this shit. FWIW, I’m happily remarried. My husband was also once married to a serial cheater (almost as long as you) — and he left. We couldn’t be happier, and thank God every day we didn’t waste another minute of our lives with one of these soul sucking cheaters. I’m sorry, it’s a rough ride. Also check out http://www.survivinginfidelity.com — nice community of folks, although biased toward reconciliation (I’m not.)

    • Hi Vicky! Im sorry about what you are going through…its been a year but I know you are still dealing with this one way or another. I dont know if you followed the advice that was given to you but I would not contact the husband. I would confront my husband and very very seriously give him “an opportunity” to be honest. Tell him you know “everything there is to know” (yes, bluff) and that theres SO much more than what he told you! So there it is…you want it to hear from him… but you KNOW. Now he might confess, he might still lie, he might get mad (wtf? But they do), you stay calm and look at him. If he doesnt confess, just walk out of the room and DONT say a word….not a word ignore him until next day and then:
      1- get a Spyware to control the computer he uses in the home and his cell phone, http://www.webwatcherdata.com is great.
      2-if he asks you to tell him what you know DONT say a thing…say that you gave him an opportunity and he made his choice.
      3- Go to sleep in another room, but other than that be cordial almost nice to him, as if u dont care anymore…
      4-be strong. He will demand you tell him but wait till you have more evidence… A couple of days. If he asks if you’ll divorce him say : “I wont make that kind of decision while Im in so much pain. Once I feel better, we’ll speak again , maybe by then you decide to be honest too.

      This works, is manipulation 101 but hey! They are not the only ones that know this game right? We women invented manipulation… USE it!
      Hugs!

      • Maria,

        Although, I think your advice is a little over the top on effort, I really really like it! haha. I recently found out my boyfriend had cheated on me two months ago and I have chosen to let it go and forgive him. The OW was an ex gf turned FWB, but when he confessed to her that he actually has a gf and he cheated on me with her, she was surprisingly sorrowful. She realized later that he and I had gotten back together and just said “I wish you had told me sooner.. I never wanted you to cheat on her.. we were just friends having fun & I always thought if either of us starting seeing someone seriously, we’d stop talking, but I didn’t hear anything..” So, now even though he is doing all that I request and then some, how do I know if he’s a serial cheater or just a sincere fuck up? To explain our back story a little more, we’ve been dating on and off for 6 years, the only reason it was off is b/c I joined the military and he couldn’t/wouldn’t follow and at my first base long distance didn’t work out for us. I would always find someone new to date where I was. So, when we reconnected in Jan this year, we became serious over the phone and skype. I found out about the infidelity while he was visiting me in person. He told me, what I believe is everything, and gave me the password to his phone long before I even found out. In my opinion, and he later stated in his own words without me mentioning my thoughts, I feel like he was worried about my intent and thought I wasn’t as committed to our reconciliation as I said I was. Which, I was and still am, the most committed I’ve ever been. After having the “down n dirty” talks that all couples need, in person, I believe that was a big mistake for him and he is beating himself up way more than I think I am.

        So, how can you be sure that someone is being genuine in their apology and regret, or if he will just do it again b/c it was so easy for me to understand and forgive? Also, even though I’ve forgiven him, it’s obvious he’s still cautious around me and sounds like an Eyour.. When will HE get over his own cheating and guilt? lol.

        It’s weird b/c I’ve been cheated on before by a serial cheater like some other have talked about and they are really defensive and non apologetic and deny deny deny, even with proof. I guess that’s why I tend to believe and forgive him so easily b/c he’s already doing so much more than those liars and cheaters ever did…. I know I had questions throughout my message, but now I can’t quite pinpoint them. It’s all a question.. lol.

  • I love LOVE your writing here Lady but gotta disagree about surivinginfidelity.com. I was a member there and it was all great until I posted against their “beliefs” and from then on anything and EVERYTHING I posted was picked apart. The members who fall into line should do well but anyone with their own opinion isn’t going to last very long there. The Deeply Scared moderator/owner is a cheater so that explains a lot to me. I think maybe she should eat a little of that Mary Kay makeup she is trying to sell and see if it can help be pretty on the inside. Never encounter a more pathetic, hateful, narrow-minded, insecure assholes in my life.
    I should also add that I did a search for reviews from other people who were members there and seems they have a LONG history of banning without reason and then talking smack after the fact. and they also have a long history of treating the “not so popular” members horribly. Also seems if you don’t kiss the moderators asses and fall into line then you will be banned.

    I hate that site and the BS they push. They couldn’t care less about anyone in pain. However, they do need a good ego stroking so that is probably why I was banned. I’m not the typical “fall into line” kind of girl.

    I love reading you……keep writing!

  • Hi Brittany, thanks for the comment. Appreciate your perspective on SI. I do think there is a lot to be gained from the collective wisdom of people there, thousands going through the same thing, or having gone through it. As long as you are forewarned, straight up, that it is pro-R, I think a person should be alright. (The new ad is one on Saving Your Marriage…, so it’s out there). I know I wouldn’t have gotten through my infidelity nightmare without the help from some members there, who kept me sane. However, I also know it helped keep me stuck in the R cycle longer than it should, as I got a lot of encouragement to R in the face of pretty awful circumstances. As for banning people, IMO, it’s their site. They pay for it, they provide the service, they can do what they want. You disagree? Make your own site…. thus ChumpLady was born. 🙂

    • disagree about survininginfidelity. depending on whos responding it can run towards r or d. thats why the mantra is take what you need and leave the rest.
      generally speaking its tending towards d now.

      two of the most epic posts there are
      1: a lady who found out her H was cheating and invited the OW and H to a party. when they showed up the only things there were the printed emails and nude pics the two had exchanged, an empty apartment (she cleaned it all out), and a butt plug
      2: a guy who decided that a cheating W was a deal breaker and went into shock and awe mode and filed for d.

      ive fond it to be a supportive group of people

  • Well, talkaboutmarriage.com is also slanted toward reconciliation as well, and is only marginally better than SI. There are a lot of whiners that go to the site asking for help, but when they read what the don’t want to hear because they are in denial, they cry that they are being attacked. I don’t call people doormats or tell people to “man up”, I only tell them how it is based on the facts that they post, but the power drunk moderators feel we must coddle these people, as in “awww, I’m so sorry you’ve been betrayed, what can I tell you to make you feel better? Would you like a gummy bear? There, there, now, you should try and win your cheating wife back with hugs and kisses”.

    Despite what the the mods claim, they are still cheater-friendly. They allow unremorseful cheaters to post their stories and rub their affairs in the faces of the betrayed spouses of the forum, then ban longtime members when they violate some obscure part of the rules. In effect, they allow cheaters to troll the forums so that people will get banned. Some members, such as myself, have to really watch what we say because some of these power tripping mods have it out for us, while other people seem to get away with rule violations. All it will take is for some cheater or some whining newly betrayed spouse in the forum to complain to these power tripping mods (who probably have no authority in the real world), and you will be on the shit list Chump Lady, for people to watch. So I’ve been banned a third time and I’ve decided I won’t be back. My main purpose was to help others as well as the therapeutic value of reading stories there, but it’s more trouble than its worth. There will be no lordmayhem site/blog, I’ll just move on with my life.

    Loveshack is the worst of the lot of forums out there on the interwebs, as the mods there are cheaters and heavily biased toward wayward spouses.

    • Egads Lord Mayhem! Well, you just solidified my opinion that the world needs an oasis from the pro-reconciliation forces. If you’re not going to have your own blog, I welcome you to comment here. I totally welcome a tough love message for betrayed folks.

      No one wants to kick someone when they’re down, but IMO betrayed spouses need a clear, unequivocal message that they need to protect themselves.

      That’s too bad about TAM — it struck me as less Reconcile Or Die than SI. I still think there is a lot of wisdom that comes from community and group think. Especially from veterans like yourself who have BTDT.

      • Reconcile.. Hmm. Well I tried for at least 5 “chum awards” The urge to hold a family together can be strong. It was TAM that got be through. Without it I would still be trying to R. I did go a bit James Bond in the end to protect myself and prove to that idiot chump that he [me] really was a gullible trusting eejit.

        One, One night stand after 20 years. maybe.. Just maybe. Anything more.

        DIVE. DIVE DIVE

      • I have been cheated on too. BIG time. And I reconciled and it has worked out. Maybe my situation is the 1% that works out but it has. My H has been putting a tremendous amount of effort into gainingy my trust back, is completely open, attentive and The only drawback is that I can now see clearly how wrong things were before, for years. So R is not for everyone, is tough, you don’t forget and forgiveness is a BIG word…I still can’t say it but “I accept” what happened…and try to move forward. Right now -3 years in- is the best I can do. I start to feel that he is a good man that did a terrible thing, and if he continues acting like he has these 3 years, I will be able, at some point, to forgive him. I feel loved, cared for, even spoiled….by the man I fell in
        Love with 31 years ago. I love him just as much but my eyes are open and there will be no more chances. My love was blind, it isn’t anymore.

        • Your post spoke to me, deeply is the only word I can think of to describe it. I am only 3 months in, but I had the feeling that it would be quite a while before…

  • I have been banned from both the aforementioned sites, despite the fact that I was never told what rule Ihad violated. I just kept ringing the “divorce them bell” and , eventually, apparently, got busted on a trumped up Bunko charge.
    As for the original story here, Ifeel the betrayed wife is in big time denial. Who would classify her serial cheating husband as a “wnderful man”? Hilter liked his German Shepherds and was nice to little arayan kids… So, I guess he was a wonderful guy.

    • Hey Arnold, I just joined your ranks. I’ve been banned from SI with a pretty nasty sending off note. Considering publishing it here. Hmmm. Ringing the “divorce bell” appears to be a very unpopular bell.

  • I was banned from SI after having the audacity to suggest that a wayward who was repeatedly posting about his concerns about how the affair repercussions were negatively affecting HIS life, job, work might want to think about his BS for a change — total cake-eater, too. I suggested his focus was narcissistic and TA-DA, banned. Too bad, I had gotten a lot of good advise there.

    • Welcome Kelly! And join the club at CL. You’ll find several folks here on the black list at SI. And yeah, it’s a shame, because there are a lot of good people there. Feel free to bash cake eaters as much as you want to here. Sanity is always encouraged.

  • Hi Lordmayhem, Arnold and others I was posting on Tam (talkaboutmarriage.com) for awhile and was banned three times. Once for supposedly hijacking a thread when I was actually responding to someone who was the one actually hijacking the thread by demanding I respond to her questions and was angry that I ignored her demands.

    The woman demanding that I respond to her question, was not banned.

    The woman demanding I answer her questions is a member who had reconciled with her husband and becomes rabid if you mention any red flags that may pertain to her husband, even if you are not addressing her specifically and simply responding to another posters question.

    A second time I was banned because another member was livid when I expressed an opinion that suggested that forgiving a cheater is likely to empower them to cheat again.

    The last time I was banned permanently because I copied and pasted a rude post that was filled with curses and insults and other nasty remarks about me on the moderators forum (I pasted it there so that all the moderators would see it rather than just the one moderator PMed as a way to avoid bias).

    The pasted post reported a post in which someone who claims to be in a recovered relationship cursed me out in a post on a thread saying “damn you to hell Sara8″ and F U Sara8 for your posts,” and other really rude statements and insults. This woman’s post sounded as if it were written by a mad woman and was so off kilter it broke every board rule at TAM.

    Apparently she was annoyed because I don’t believe in forgiving a cheater and think they will do it again, eventually. It also sounded as if she had doubts about her husband, too, but didn’t want to be reminded of those doubts by other posters.

    I was banned seconds after copying and pasting the member’s rude post to the moderator’s forum. The message I saw when I was banned read: “You know where to report a post, you are vindictive, you are banned permanently, find another forum. ”

    I thought that was an immature way to ban some one.

    But, I am glad I was banned. The forum is definitely biased toward coddling the cheater and I was wasting my time there. Too many people there have their heads stuck firmly in the sand or up their buns, not sure which, but they definitely are not seeing things clearly, IMO.

    • It’s pretty easy to get banned at TAm and SI. “Almost Recovered” had a fit over my posts at TAM(Big Liam).
      I always enjoyed your perspective, sara.

    • I’m so sorry to hear that Sara8. Its strange how some people get away with the very offenses they accuse others of. If you are seen as Pro R, then the moderators tend to give you a lot of leeway. If you are seen as Pro D, then you will be walking a tight rope. For some reason, I’m viewed as Pro D, which is weird because I am in R. It’s just that I believe R is a precious, precious thing that should only be entered in to when the cheater has earned that shot at R by being completely remorseful, transparent, and doing the heavy lifting.

      I feel that forum is biased towards coddling the betrayed spouse into being a doormat and being emotionally abused by their cheating spouse. Some of these weak people, men in particular, need that wake up call.

      But it is what it is, which is why I consider it a waste of my time and effort. I used to spend hours and hours reading posts, looking back at previous posts, etc. Then it hit me: Why bother trying to help people who really don’t want to be helped? They just go there to whine and complain about their situation and want to read about how to successfully grovel and beg their cheating spouse back into the marriage. My time is too precious to waste on people who don’t want to helped and on a site which is very poorly moderated and biased towards a certain group think: Reconciliation at all costs.

    • I’m sorry that happened to you Sara. It’s a hard thing for people in R, or at the beginning of the painful discovery stage — their world is crashing down and a lot of them don’t want to see the signs, or can’t take a whiff of pessimism about the odds. The don’t want insight, or 2x4s, they want cheerleaders, or unconditional support.

      I get it. I know I was stung by criticisms in my early days post DDay. Those blows LANDED on me, and got me to sputtering lame defenses of my cheating ex. But they did register and build in time, and freaking morphed into the monster Chump Lady you see before you.

      The kindest thing you can do, IMO, is tell it to people straight and not give them false hope.

      I’ve had no problem with TAM, but I ended my membership at SI after receiving a very rude, and very personal PM from “the mods” (but I suspect Deeply Scared). They’ve since gone on to block every mention of me and HuffPo article and say it’s because I was asked to be “kind and compassionate” and wouldn’t agree. (Yeah, that’s my M.O…) I’ve been tempted to post their fuck off note here, and I might at some point, but figured what’s the point? I don’t wish them ill. I got a lot of help from that site when I needed it, and I gave a lot of help, or tried to — just like you did Sara.

      They own those sites and they can rule their kingdoms however they want. I’ve yet to have a commentator here that’s tempted me to ban them — and I get called a lot of shit (especially in the HuffPo comments!) Bitter, hating — and my hair is “overgrown”!

      It’s a case of kill the messenger. People get ugly when they’re afraid. And infidelity and the chaos and lack of control and feelings of utter helplessness scare the shit out of folks. Codependents are hard core — they think they can “nice” their way out. Fix it. Manage it. Spackle it.

      My great grandmother used to say “If you don’t listen, then you must feel.”

      They have to feel it.

      • Perhaps, if you’d trimmed your hair, you would not be so “bitter” etc.

        I love the “bitter” accusation, just like the “judgemental” deal and the “being a victim” accusation.

        Look, if someone who goes through this is not somewhat “bitter”, I think they need an EEG to see if there is any electricla activity in either lobe.
        And, what on earth is wrong with using one’s judgement?
        And, WTF else would you call someone that was treated like this , if not a victim?

        So many of these epithets get thrown around as if they are negative, as if a person who is not Mother Theresa, and has some resentment about having been abused in one of the worst ways, is “less evolved”.
        I’ve been thrrough some serious crap in life, as have most of us. My son is severely disabled and almost died a bunch of times. My other son is fighting heroin addiction and has Hep-C. I have kept my sanity, succeeded in my profession, still have compassion for others etc.
        But, there is no doubt that i was a “victim” of an abusive jerk, and I resent her and I “judge” people who do this to others.

  • Hi Lordmayhem, Arnold and Chump lady.

    It is nice to hear from you all, and much thanks for the supportive comments.

    Lord Mayhem, I believe in attempting reconciliation. If the cheating spouse is truly remorseful in actions rather than words, why not. Everyone deserves at least one chance. But I also think people need to remain vigilant as you do. They need to ensure the reconciliation is a sincere one.

    I learned a lot from people like you guys at Tam too, as well as Big Liam who was also banned. It is sad that TAM seems to want to repress the message to stay vigilant once cheating is exposed. A serial cheater is a dangerous sort, IMO. Why would they want to suppress that information? How is allowing a serial cheater to get away with his/her shenanigans in any way helpful to a marriage? These are rhetorical questions. Just sayin’.

    I am really glad to see you guys here.

  • P.S. to prior post.

    Hi Arnold, I didn’t realize you are Big Liam. Glad to see you here.

    Oh and I forgot to thank Chump lady for defending me on my double betrayal thread I started at TAM, by mentioning the weird attack on me from the posters demanding over and over, in what amounted to spamming, That I respond to their questions, questions that were posed only as a way to bait an argument.

  • Yep, Big Liam was banned. Just kept doubting the claims of “recovery” by “Almost Recovered” a bit too much. That guy is a doormat.
    I did bait him a bit, I must admit.

    • If you baited him it was likely because his bouncy avatar drove you bonkers.

      The avatar reminds me of the bouncy cloud in the zoloft advertisments they used to run on the Telly, about five years back. The cloud was supposed to be a person on zoloft, just bouncing around happy and carefree….and well, to my mind frighteningly blissfully oblivious.

  • I completely get what all of you are saying.
    I have browsed through all of these sites but never posted there becuse i hate the whole R concept.Like yoy , CL , i also got sucki for a longer time because of this whole R gibberish.

    I sometimes think that this whole R thing was initiated and propogated by the counsellors , rehab centres etc etc for commercial motives.Once you leave the cheater you are going to get ok sooner or later and not need cousnselling permanently.But if you remain with him/her you can book a permanent seat on your counsellor’s couch.!!!!

    And yes, i too have been berated by various BS on blogs, forums etc.They say i take away their hope and courage.I tell them i just want to cut short their ordeal.When i see a BS buying the whole tear jerker routine of forgiveness and rediscovered love and bonding sex and recovery i just see RED.Its as if the cheater has once again succeeded in cheating the BS albeit in a different manner.
    The consequences are as devastating.
    CL i find your site refreshing nad brutally honest.And honesty is what we need from other peple because we sure as hell are not going to get it from our cheaters.

  • hi im 20 years old and was in a serious relationship for two years now, we were so in love happy as ever and recently have been the happiest we ever been. we had plans for our future and I know some of you may say im so young but i’ve been in relationships before, I relief felt he was the one. I still have unconditional love for his and so he says also, but literally there hours ago he confessed he cheated on me tonight and my best friend also told me (she witnessed it) he kissed “french kissed” another girl when they went out to a club tonight. im away for the weekend so I didn’t go out with him. he says he loves me and I don’t deserve that and there’s no excuse and our relationship wasn’t a lie and everythimg.. honestly I don’t know what to think anymore . to me if you love someone they are the only person in your eyes . you don’t cheat. I felt so loved and relief believed everything he said to me bc he made me actually feel it. I was happiest I ever been with him and he felt lucky to have me. I love him with all of my heart and I question why I even do after he betrayed me tonight. I know I cant go back bc I have given him a chance once before. I feel weak betrayed angry hurt and mostly destroyed. how will I get thru this I lost the love of my life

    • Hi Brit. You will get through this. It will suck, he sucks, but you’ll totally get through this. Lucky for you, you’re 20. I think betrayal hurts like a motherfucker at any age, but the good fortune of YOUR age is that you get a lot of time for a redo.

      Sounds like you’ve got your head screwed on straight, don’t go back. If you gave him a chance before, I take that to mean this isn’t his first rodeo — ugh — steer CLEAR of this idiot.

      Examine your picker. Avoid the sparkly people. Date for character, that means valuing the people who are good to you, who do for you, who want reciprocity versus a satellite to orbit their Planet Narcissist.

      Hang in there Brit! Better days ahead.

  • Hmmmm…well there are more sites for reconciliation than I had imagined. I was on one called “Divorce Busting”…pretty much left that site when I knew that my divorce would not be ‘busted’. Met a lot of great people there in the same situation as I. Surprising A LOT of them got banned for voicing their opinions regarding reconciliation.

    So glad to have pointed to this site by a good friend from that site. Wish I would have known about it (was it even in existence 4 years ago?) back in the day when I was left struggling naked in the wind.

  • I’m 28 years old and I’ve known my husband since 8 years now. We’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and been married for 2. He is a good person by heart. Provides for me and takes care of me in every way. But I’ve been having a feeling like the spark in our relationship has been fading; and I’ve been feeling this for about a year now.
    About 2 months ago, my doctor told me that I had an STD (I have never had physical relations with anyone besides my husband). It was then, that I knew that I was being cheated on. But to confirm further, I did some digging.
    And to my shock, I found text messages exchanged between him and some girl; he’d told her that he wanted to see her and then she’d given him an address of a motel and her room number.
    When I confronted him, he simply said he’d gone there for a massage, and that he knew i wouldn’t understand and that’s why he didn’t tell me. And when I tried to push him a little to prove what he was saying, he simply threatened to send me back to my parent’s house. Since according to him, if I couldn’t trust him, then we shouldn’t live together. I believe he did that because I wouldn’t let things go that far since i’m a housewife and dependent on him. I’m even new in the country 🙁 Moved here after my wedding, about a year ago.
    I’d thought maybe I could handle it and that I could forget it and that maybe it was a one time thing and that now that he knows that I know, he might stop this BS.
    But today I saw his phone lying around and I just couldn’t help myself. I checked his messages again and this time they were to some other number and about the same SHIT. He asked if $120 would be fine. I’d just started to trust him again 🙁 He’d told me last night that he had to go to the airport to pick up his friend and drop him home. And then he went to see her. And then he came back after approximately an hour.
    There is very little sex in out lives, say about once in a month or month and a half. And that’s how it’s been since the last whole year. I’d thought earlier that maybe he doesn’t feel like it because he has such long hours at work and because hez so tired. I’d even thought that maybe he’s going towards impotance or something. But apparently, he is just fine and he does feel the need to have sex. He just doesn’t feel that for me.
    I feel depressed that he needs to go to some whore for it and that he can’t even see me 🙁 and I don’t know what to do 🙁
    How can u be so strong? How did u manage? Can U please give me some advise?

    • The first thing you need to do is go to a doctor and get checked AND treated for STDs, you also need to make sure he gets treated otherwise he will just re infect you, that should be part of the discussion about his cheating, as Chump lady also advised, get your ducks in a row, speak to a lawyer, find out what your options are, try and get a support system, you’re a grown ass woman, so no, he won’t be sending you back to your parents house, he will be paying for a place for you and your kids to live, get a good lawyer and for christs sake, don’t worry about the lack of sex, worry about the risks that he will expose you to with his lifestyle

  • Hmmm. Ash, I don’t know how I opened my laptop and you popped up. Chump lady blog was open. But, I was not on this page. Your condition is really bad, Ash. But, thankfully, you are very young and not have kids together. I hope the STD is treatable.

    So, First thing or step: TRUST THAT HE SUCKS. This is surprisingly the most difficult part for chumps like us. Damn, it takes time. But, you’ve to continuously work towards it. You’ve had enough proofs about what he is doing. If you need more…you may snoop around more. But, I’d advice against it. I’d advice you to start seeing him from different lenses. In fact, imagine yourself as a prisoner in his prison and that he possesses the keys – keys (eg. your being dependent on him and new to the country) are in his hands. And imagine it often…start HATING him but if you can manage then being INDIFFERENT to him, would be still better.
    GRIEVE and let yourself cry over your state. GRIEVE for your impaired belief right now. GRIEVE for all the years you put together. GRIEVE.

    Second Thing or Step: What would you do if you are in a prison with keys in the fucktard’s hand? Try to flee or try to get back your keys so that you can set yourself free. Imagine, it could get worse, if you don’t try now. He might stop feeding you or supporting you as much as he is doing right now. You will become strength-less to fight. So, while you have the youth and vitality left, ASPIRE to be FREE. Work on yourself. ASPIRE TO BE FREE.

    Third thing or Step: When your subconscious mind aspires to be free, then what do you do? Get well. Get your energies back. Eat and sleep well. Try to enjoy whatever you have to get into a rather positive mind-frame. In short, WORK ON YOURSELF TO GET PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY FIT. FIT for the long haul to be free.

    Fourth Thing or Step: The keys to your prison are – your dependence and your being new to the country (knowledge of law in the country and friends n family for support). Right? You have internet. Use that. Get as much information on laws and lawyers as possible. Do your homework. Read up and register under pseudo-names on many such sites. This way you can get in touch with some friends as well. Then with your HOMEWORK done, you meet up with a good lawyer in your town. Do all this as much as possible without coming into notice of your husband. As much as I understand such narcissists, I believe your hubby would be too involved with himself to notice you. Keep being your normal self before him. But, when he is not around, you arm yourself with as much knowledge as you can. If you have people in your country, who can help you, let them know. Tell them that you would need their support in your escape. But as far as practicable keep these operations as undercover as possible.
    As far as dependence goes, Do I read that you’ve no ways to earn money? Does your home country or this country, give you Social Security Benefits? Find out. There must be some way. You might check up on some social service organizations esp. ones that deal with domestic abuse etc. Find out if you can have shelter with them in your escape, if need be. ANOTHER IMPORTANT THING. Invest in yourself to get yourself a potential to work. You might be good at kitchen work, for example. What about doing a food processing course? You might be good at picking up languages fast. What about doing an interpreter course and target tourism industry? Many such things, where you might not need a degree to earn. Arm Yourself. ACQUIRE THE POTENTIAL TO EARN.

    Fifth Thing or Step: Now armed with knowledge and potential to earn, you ESCAPE. Employ a lawyer and sue him. Engage embassies of both the countries. Take restraining orders etc. Do all these, so that the fucktard is taken aback. He has to part with his property, spend days in jail if he attempts violence, lose his job for adulterous behavior etc. All of these, to keep him from coming back to you. Get your share of alimony or whatever to support you.

    Sixth Thing or Step: When you are done and down 2-3 years, you are a 32 year old independent lady, with her own earning potential and a backdrop of knowledge and experience behind you, then you FIX YOUR PICKER. Get therapy etc., but fix your picker.

    Seventh Thing or Step: ENJOY. Find yourself a worthy partner. Help others in worse position than you. Have a family and way to “MEH”

    Hope this SEVEN STEP PROGRAM gets you going, dear!

    • ThankU so much for such an awesome reply. I really appreciate it. I don’t think anyone could have given me such comprehensive and useful advise. U know what, I think u r 100% right. I need to work on myself and stand on my own two feet and then finally get rid of him. Because of he has done this to me once, he can do it again.
      Plus, even if he doesn’t do it again, I’ll always have a doubt in my mind cuz my trust has been shattered. N no matter what I do or no matter what he does, it’ll be near to impossible to restore that trust.
      last but not the least, thanks again for the advise.

  • I am so sick of websites catering to married couples. The thought of marriage makes me sick because of my story.
    Started dating the most amazing man about 9 months ago. Its a long distance relationship, and that can be tough, but we get by just fine. This weekend he was at my house. I was in the bathroom getting ready, and his phone was in there. Hes said a million times that he has nothing to hide on it. Im planning a surprise for him in dec for his birthday.
    Little background on him, hes finalizing a divorce from a crappy marriage. They have 2 kids, which he has custody of. She cheated on him the entire marriage and left him to “have more fun.”
    So, i pick up his phone to get some names and numbers to invite. I see a message from his ex wife saying “Im only 4.5 weeks along, so it couldnt be yours.” I didnt read farther. I came back out calmly. He was sitting on the bed, and I sat down near him. I asked “so shes pregnant?” He was shocked, cuz no one knew that yet. I then said “Shes pretty sure its not yours though. Which would be obvious if you hadnt slept with her since you split a year and a half ago.” He broke down and told me that in August he walked her to her car after signing papers, she was crying, and somehow he was inside her. He stopped her, and they went on their ways.
    He has been doing nothing but apologizing and crying. And so have I. I feel like I have asked all I can ask from him. But now I am broken. My family says to drop him. But other than this screwup, he has been an amazing man who I love to death. Ive decided to give him a second chance. But it is so hard to fix things when he lives 5 hours away. I dont know what to do. Any suggestions from anyone? I am an emotional wreck.

    • Casey! I’m so sorry to hear what happened with u, I really am.
      The good thing is, that he apologied for his mistake. But ask urself this, would he have felt any guilt if u hadn’t read that text? Or would he have told u if u hadn’t found out? Or would he still be sorry if he didn’t get caught? I’m guessing, no.
      Let’s say u’re right, n he really is a very good guy. But he’s a guy still, u don’t know him long enough to say that he wouldn’t do it again.
      And even if he doesn’t do it, u’ll always remember that he cheated n ur trust level will never be the same.
      I’d advise to get out of the relationship if u haven’t really committed urself to the guy. As ‘Buried Alive’ said, “you’ve been through enough already”.
      I’m sorry for sounding like a glass half empty, but trust me, a thing like cheating, never just “goes away” on its own. The pain always stays with u if u don’t allow urself to move on.

  • I’m sorry, did I read this correctly? CL recommends the site – Chat Cheaters?? When I clicked on the link provided, it took me to a site raving about reconciliation!!?? This “expert”- yeah another one of those, making marketing dollars from our misery, is headlining her website by announcing that she will “100% guarantee that you will get your ex back.” WTF??
    Please tell me it was a typo of sort, wrong link?

    • What?! I haven’t been there in a long time. They must’ve changed drastically. It was very anti-reconciliation last time I read there. Expert quacks? OMG. I’ll take down the link. Thanks for the heads up!

      • Chat cheaters, when I used to go there, was a hardcore anti reconciliation climate, really tough on cheaters. I doubt it has changed, although it was so inactive that it may have been overrun bu some with a different view.

    • Dear all, reconciliation is NOT for everyone, but it happens to many, many people. Sex addicts or serial cheaters are essentially sick people and yes they can recover but is very very hard. As with any other addiction it affects the family, but this one in particular, perhaps even more than most addictions. Once the betrayed spouse decides to reconcile, there are many steps to follow by both partners and the road is very difficult. Maybe that’s why those against reconciliation are banned from R prone sites. Is very hard to move forward if you are constantly reminded of how Hurt you are. I’m not saying R means you become a doormat. Boundaries must be in place, and as I told my sex addicted husband, that wasn’t going through this EVER again and that ultimatum was for ME not him, he can do what he wants to do. So get better or get out. That was a year and 8 months ago. He is a different person and has done more for our marriage than the previous ten years. I’m still struggling and maybe always will, and the blind trust isn’t there anymore. But my family is together and I kept my promise: in sickness and in health. At least this time around it seems to be working.

      • Good luck with that, panama63. This site is not about being “constantly reminded of how hurt you are.” It’s about leaving a cheater and gaining a life. Staying with a sex addict, however, sounds like a real way to stay constantly reminded of your hurt. You live with the guy who hurt you.

      • I think panama’s view raises what is the real issue with these addicts and there are different views on the whole addiction theory.
        I was raised by an alcoholic dad, a really smart, abusive alcoholic(until he, finally stopped drinking shortly after I punched his lights out in response to being backhanded, yet again, across the face). I was married to a woman who claimed that her cheating was , largely , due to her chemical dependency(yet, after ” recovering” she has never apologized for cheating).
        I guess I view this addiction thing in very simplistic terms. In my mind, the analysis goes somethiing like this” I love getting high. When i was younger, I tried cocaine three times and loved it. It was the best feeling I had ever had. I also liked getting drunk or smoking dope(not that much).
        Sex , I assume, feels every bit as good to me as it does to the next person. Orgasms, I expect, are very pleasant for all of us.
        So, what is it about me, vs say my dad or my XW that kept me from going after these pleasurable things after I was married and had kids? Clearly, it is not that my dad or XW got more pleasure from them and, therefore, the temptation was greater. It is not like they had to resist something with any greater vigor than me.
        This is what I think it is that causes these addictions: they put themselves first. They have less empathy for others and their families. And, that is why they become addicts vs some genetic disposition beyond their control
        I have always found the ” addiction as an illness ” theory flawed. I thinkthe fact that there is such a huge volitional component to it, makes it , sort of , insulting to people who have bonafide illnesses that they did not ask for to call it an illness.
        No one put a gun to these folks head. The rest of us resist the pleasures of these things in consideration of others. So, why are these folks not just assholes.
        I read an article by a severely chemically dependent woman who was asking herself this question: Do I drink because I am a selfish asshole or am I a selfish asshole because i drink.
        She went to a lot of AA meetings and assessed her compatriots there. She noticed that even though they no longer drank, many , if not all, of them were selfish, egoists still.
        Think about how many of these folks ” recover”. For years before they stopped drinking or whatever, they neglected their families. The burden of raising us kids fell to my mom. She raised all six of us alone, virtually, and also had to deal with a raging, abusive husband almost every night, an infante terible.
        Now, he decided, after placing all these abusive tapes in everyone in the family’s heads, to take the cure, stop drinking.
        What does that entail?- Going to AA meetings with Dick Van Dyke and Jonathan Winters, yucking it up, smoking cigarrettes and drinking coffee 4 or 5 nights a week.
        Tough duty, eh? Think it releived my mom of one bit of the work raising us.
        And, for several years after quitting, he still had a hair trigger.
        Same with my Xw. She threw herself into recovery such that, just like when she was drinking and prowling, the focus was all on her. Kids still neglected. Still a selfish asshole.
        Good luck reconciling with a man who was, in the first place, capable of treating you like suchg crap.
        I submit that, while clearly imperfect, most of us are simply not capable of abusing someone so long and so devestatingly, as we are fundamentally different thant these folks. If you did a pet scan on them, i bet you could identify the undeveloped empathy section of their brains.

        • Really interesting points Arnold. I’ve often thought along the same lines (as someone who has addiction in the family). I’d love to see the Venn diagram on narcissists and addicts. I think it’s all overlap.

          I just had this discussion with my teenager, about a drunk driver story in the news. I said the problem with addiction isn’t that they fuck up their own lives — it’s that addiction puts a HUGE burden on everyone else. The addict can’t function and everyone has to function for them, raise the children, make sure the bills get paid, clean up the vomit, whatever. It’s colossally selfish.

          An addict’s pain is no different than my pain or your pain. The difference is they gave themselves permission to medicate out of it. Because they’re very special people who shouldn’t have to feel pain.

          I’m not dismissing all the brain science that shows that certain people are susceptible to being hooked on things and have a hard time quitting them. But I do believe there is an element of entitlement there — however you got hooked, you gave yourself permission to check out first.

          • Weird thing about addicts is that after they victimize people, they expect those people to help with their ” recovery”.
            I understand parents doing this for their kids( my son is an addict).
            But , hell man, you f me up and then reach out for help?
            Now that is “entitlement”.

            • This conversation is spot on about addicts. Arnold, I’m with you about a parent helping a child with addiction, with proper boundaries that don’t let the parent get leeched, of course. But these alcoholic spouses who abuse and leave pain and destruction and then expect their families to sacrifice even more time and energy into helping them recover from their problem? That is utter bullshit and straight up entitlement.

          • Dear CL,

            I can answer you right there on the Venn diagram. My PhD counsellor, specialising in addictions:

            ‘Narcissism and addiction are very closely linked. It is very easy to have a relationship with a bottle. Bottles don’t have needs’.

            • ‘Narcissism and addiction are very closely linked. It is very easy to have a relationship with a bottle. Bottles don’t have needs’. This.

  • I live with my boyfriend and our 3 children. I just found out that he had inappropriate relations with…. MY SISTER who rents out a room in our basement. And theu told me its happened on more than one occasion (while we were fighting) they didnt sleep together but gave back rubs, she showed him her tits and blah blah, I didnt want to know many details. But he saus hes so ashamed and my sister is obviously moved out now but I feel like the light inside me has died. I feel nothing. Im not mad, im not sad…. Ive had a tear or two but thats for my kids. He is the income, I am the homemaker and if I leave I leave with absolutely nothing. I am so mad they killed a part of myself that I dont think ill ever getback Can you say ULTIMATE BETRAYAL? my fucking little sister man. I just need to feel something. Like, Iis this real life?

    • Hey T, look at yesterday’s post on Escape Tips. Time to beef up the job skills and have more options. Consult a lawyer. And get a good therapist. You’ve experienced a double betrayal and that’s incredibly traumatic.

      He needs to do a hell of a lot more than say he’s “ashamed.” (Apparently not enough to not keep going back to your sister for sex repeatedly.) He can start with a post-nup promising you support. He balks at that? There’s your sorry.

      Make a plan, T. Take back control. You’ll start to feel a lot better.

  • As I said, is NOT for everyone. Not everyone understands addiction, and not every addict is willing or ready to recover. If my husband had been an alcoholic I would have been by his side through recovery. Yes he hurt me and my family, but not “just because’ he is a psicopath, but because he was/is ill. And he was willing to do the work, and change. I gambled I know, because I love him and my family. So far, 1 year and 8 months later, a new house and a new start, I see a new man emerge and prove to me, every day, how much he loves me. In my case, dragging myself and my kids through a divorce and going out with strangers, was not a way to prove my value as a woman. He didn’t do this because of something I did or didn’t. My self esteem is INTACT, I was a wonderful wife, mother, and lover….and I still am. I am beautiful in and out, and yes, would be very successful if I tried online dating….but I will probably find the SAME man, and if I found the right man, it would take years to get to know him…so I decided to gamble on love, compassion, and understanding not hate and shame.
    Not for everyone, but also, divorce is not for everyone. Not everyone finds another partner. My H is not perfect, but he is willing to work at it, and maybe, maybe, becomes close to that. These last year and 8 months have been a great start. My kids are happy and their view of their father didn’t change (he was always involved), and our family is together. We had really tough times yes, but MY pain ends when my childrens begin. I am willing to gamble, yes, and take my pain and throw it out the window if that would help me move on. IF, ever, in the future, my H relapses, then it will be a very different story, but I would not regret this chance I gave US. Not for a second.

    • For the record, Panama, most of the readers here had reconciliations. I’m sure they tried it for all the noble reasons you outlined, so it’s not like we don’t value our children or don’t care about their pain. Or that we’re just clamoring to get divorced. If R works for you, fine. Why you feel the need to post on my site, which isn’t about R, is beyond me. I don’t post on sex addiction sites and say “hey, a lot of people think this sex addiction thing is bull shit.”

      I find it weird that you tell yourself if you dated you’d find the “same man” — another sex addict. Not every man is a cheater, let alone “sex addict.” You don’t have to settle for this. If you want to, that’s on you. But I think the “every guy has this issue” is pretty thin soup.

      Best of luck in your reconciliation. I hope you’re the rare couple who makes it. I sincerely mean that.

      • Thank you, I hope so too. I didn’t mean to say people who divorce don’t value theIr families, but I see how it sounded like that. Im sorry. In the beginning I found your site very helpful but as I began true R the pain of others was very hard to handle. I wish everyone just to follow their hearts and be sure the cheating is a shameful way to reaffirm one’s value and only sick people do that. And by all means, LEAVE them if they are not willing to change. Life is short.

    • I wonder of you , really, understand addiction, panama, or if you have just bought into the illness model foisted on us by those trying to avoid responsibility.

  • Wow! I was feeling very alone until I read your opening comments. Yes, I am feeling all of those things, I have collapsed at work with knees that just gave way and compulsive shaking, I cannot eat, I vomit, I am scared and cannot sleep. My Dr gave me temazipam.
    I have come through the worst three weeks of my life.
    My husband and I met at 16 & 17 years old, we had an instant connection and knew we would marry. We did, and in 1986 at 19 & 20 years old. We were very happy. When we first talked marriage and children we were influenced by our own upbringings. He comes from a large family (6 children) and his parents have an amazing romance that has stood the test of time however, the children brought themselves up, they were neglected and my husband was left very scarred by this (forgotten birthdays and no interest in his whereabouts or health etc). He told me because of this he didn’t want to have children – I was honest from the beginning, I always wanted kids and that was a deal breaker, so I said I couldn’t move forward in a relationship. He decided that maybe with the right person eventually he would be ok to have kids, so we continued our relationship. My upbringing was with parents that should’ve divorced when I was very young, my father loved us unconditionally, but had a very bad temper, he hit us his kids but never my mother – but he constantly called us all names and verbally abused her – and still does today. My mother is a martyr, but she would always constantly prod him until she got an argument, something that now in her late 70’s she realises she shouldn’t have done. I have used my parents marriage as a model of how NOT to act. My husband however, used his as a model on how to act. But I didn’t know this until well into our marriage.
    When we got married my husband couldn’t make a bed and had no idea of how to cook. I am a natural home maker (and have a career) so I showed my love for him by ‘looking after him’. My own fault, he did learn to make a bed and can cook – toast and re-heats. However, he cannot use the dishwasher, washing machine or turn on the oven with out being instructed. Until 3 weeks ago this man was my world, but we’ve had some serious upheaval over the recent years.

    He has always been waited on hand and foot because I loved him – and enjoyed seeing his pleasure at being looked after. We paid off our first home; he is very very very focused on finances and started to investigate get rich quick schemes that went totally against my ethos (amway etc) ( I worked in Finance). We brought 3 investment properties and made some profit when selling them a bit later, so by the time we were 30 we were financially stable and decided to have a child, we did and he is now a beautiful 18 year old.

    15 years ago he was made redundant and we moved from our homeland to another country for his career. I had a middle management career and had I stayed, I would’ve been financially better off, but I forfeited my right to a company international transfer as I was 5 and 1/2 months pregnant with our second child when we moved (didn’t qualify for maternity program). So I resigned my career.

    Unfortunately, our second child was not so easy, he over a long period of time has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, ADHD, ODD & Auditory Processing Disorder and a serious Anxiety Disorder. His behaviour became extremely challenging from the age of 2 – he is now 15. I have been very lonely in my adopted country as any friends made through the boys have long since left as mothers judge his behaviour on my parenting and their kids don’t wish to be around him. We paid for and exhausted every possible therapy, often getting home from work/school around 7pm as we would travel to the other side of town for EEG Neurofeedback Therapy and the likes, our first son spent years doing his homework on the floor of waiting rooms! This child made it difficult to attend the likes of end of year ‘family picnics/parties’ and we often didn’t go. He is extremely possessive and very loving towards me, but my husband has only attended around 1 – 2% of all medical appts and therefore doesn’t really have an understanding of the primal behaviour that rules the lives of an Asperger’s child. They literally engage in ‘flight or fight’ reactions to anything they perceive to be a threat or something they simply just don’t like. They will fight to the death over a biscuit! Unfortunately my husband will not follow any of the behavioural experts instructions on how to manage this in the home and I quote “When I get home from work, I want to be the king of my castle, and if that fat bastard doesn’t like the way I speak to him, then he just needs discipline and a hiding”. I am exhausted from mediating, a hiding has resulted in 3 police call outs as our son attacks my husband right back.

    Our son’s behaviour escalated over the last 12 months due to a very tragic and unexpected illness. Our older son, whom has never given us any grief, suffered a serious rapid onset clinical depression episode. It started in May. Between May and August there were 4 suicide attempts. I retrained and now work in the education industry and have worked for my employer for 12 years. I managed to take the better part of 9 weeks off to support my son, be on suicide watch, attend appointments, take him out, help him function, and to deliver the last units of his final year at high school, get him 3 scholarships and get him through the final exams that gained him a place in his uni course of choice. Whilst this was exhausting and stressful, our younger boy amped up his behaviour as mentioned above. What a pressure cooker environment, but I had my loving husband who I still managed to put a meal on the table in front of each night, make a lunch for him to take to work each day and ring him for chats about how ‘his’ day was going.

    By Christmas, I was feeling more myself as our older son was recovering well. However, my husband was constantly irritable with both boys, he’s never really had a lot to do with them, I really have brought them up single handedly, when ask to do the ‘dad’ outings he sometimes did them but let me know what an imposition on his time and that really I had more time on my hands due to my ‘little’ job and that I should be doing these things. I really wanted him to engage with them, but it is always with a ‘time limit’ as he’s ‘always busy’. He has no relationship at all with our 15 year old, who has told me ‘I know Dad hates me’ however, whilst our older child has been recovering from depression, they have started going fishing together (my husband loves fishing and goes once a week, has 3 different size boats).

    3 weeks ago, My husband and older son took a trip to our homeland to see relatives and to go fishing, I encouraged this trip as I just loved to see them doing things together. From the time they arrived my husband barred my calls and if I did get in touch with him, he was very rude to me. He told me he didn’t love me ‘like that’ anymore and was using the break to think very seriously about our relationship future. That we needed different things from marriage and had different expectations that I had ‘fucked’ our budget. He earns a big income, our mortgage is big as he’s been made redundant a further 4 times and we’ve had to put off things and borrow to get through, we borrowed to buy a holiday home – all mutual agreement. However, he took his superannuation out to manage it himself. Here started the get rich quick schemes. First it was $20,000 loan for a ‘horse racing’ “Scientific formula” to winning. It was a well publicised scam that I signed loan docs against my will for as it went against everything I stood for. Since then his super that should be worth over $200,000 has dwindled to around $40,000. He invests in foreign exchange trading, about $10,000 of computer and trading equipment has been bought so that the study resembles Wall Street, the graphs look impressive, but one company director ran off with all the investors money with one scheme, the others simply bleed you dry with little or no income. So, how have I ‘fucked’ the budget, 2 ways I guess, I set up monthly expense spread sheets and lost sleep over large mortgage payments and rising utilities costs. The state schools in our area weren’t the best, so I increased my hours at work in order to pay for private schooling for our older son (the total cost is less than that of even 1 trading scheme and it paid off, and also was less than the value of his 3 boats and equipment), I stopped my ceramics classes and restricted myself to staying home to make the financial sacrifice to send him to school. My husband meanwhile, still went fishing every weekend (petrol, bait, boats etc). My second mistake in ‘fucking up the budget’ was my ‘overspending’ – I had to juggle to meet electricity, water, phone bills and wasn’t able to put away the ‘agreed’ amount into our savings account – we always had big visa bills. Why? because my husband signed up for two superannuation foreign trading schemes and the packages he signed up to pay off over a two year period and also a monthly fee to access their charts and join their live trading sessions. $700 per month. Without consultation. He told me the final straw was the $800 tablet computer I had to buy for our son – it was a listed required item on his university requirements list – he had to have it – I was accused of ‘out of control, non consultative spending’.

    When they flew home from our home land I’d already lost weight, I knew his decision to divorce was coming. They had to fly home via another state and hubby was staying an extra night in that state to have some ‘trading training’ with one of the forex trainers he skyped often. When they boarded the plane, they were not sitting together, my husband had checked in separately from our son and was a number of rows apart. Our son felt ill and fell asleep, but awoke with a start just before take off and projectile vomited and the plane had to be evacuated and he was taken by ambulance to hospital with suspected food poisoning. My husband, his father, put his head down and pretended he didn’t know his own son. (My sons words). The plane was cleaned and took off an hour late, leaving my son in hospital and his father flew on without him. I managed to get our son home 2 days later, my husband had still not shown up. He returned later that night to say he’d had the extra night interstate to learn more about trading and think about his decision which was to press forward with divorce as he didn’t love me anymore due to our differing expectations in life.

    For three days I grieved so hard, what had I done, he’d told me the last 12 months he’d felt us drift apart, but at Christmas time gave me gifts (underwear) and a card with a beautiful message about being soul mates. After the year we’d been through I was exhausted carrying the weight of keeping one son alive and the other out of the way of his father, so I had been stretched, but I still waited on him hand and foot, told him how much I loved him and appreciated he was there for me after all we’d been through, I called him after work every day to see how his day was going……..maybe I was a little stretched but look what we’d been through. I greeted this year with a new optimism, we now have a social worker working with our younger son to engage him more in a wider social and outside environment and a school helping him to reach his goals, our older son has started university and is flying…….
    I wondered what I could have done to be a better wife, why he couldn’t wait to see how good it could be with these problems behind us, I grieved so hard it hurts physically and felt like a failure.
    3 days into my grieving, I was printing a university time table out in the study, for our son. My husbands i-phone was on the desk, no big deal, I’ve never been suspicious and still wasn’t, but sometime whilst he’d been overseas he changed the incoming sms sound from the usual beep to a really loud bugle call. It went off and I nearly jumped out of my skin, and looked in its general direction. The white speech bubble that came up nearly killed me: “I’m so glad you’ve done it. I cannot wait to start our long and happy future together, I cannot wait to feel your big strong masculine arms around me again. I love you Mr XXXX it seems so long since we were together”. Damning yes, I was shaking so violently but I scrolled back a few messages, yes he loved her too. When did all this happen, how did he cover it up, he travels interstate for work, but always has done and I trusted him with all my heart? I confronted him, his initial reaction was “What the fuck are you looking at my phone for” then he admitted it was a staff member of his from interstate (named the state) it was fledgling and only happened the week before he flew overseas. I have never cried so much, the utter betrayal. Then I thought that night – he didn’t go interstate that week and knew it was a lie, so next morning I checked out his iphone whilst he was showering (he had gotten into my bed that night!). New pin number, but hey after 30 years together, it was a doddle to work it out, first guess and I was in. I managed to trace it back for months. Confronted him again, didn’t deny but told me to stay out of his fucking business.
    He also at the same time was able to stony face present me with his ‘divorce’ settlement (financial) go to the bank on his first day home and arrange all the finance! Very cold and calculated. He is now in the spare bedroom, she is allowed to call our landline! They sext and text every 10 minutes, last Saturday night it went until 3am! He calls her from our home phone (interstate cost). Then I found her business card – no she doesn’t live in the state he told me she does, she lives in the one he flew home via – no wonder he ignored his sick son and stayed on for extra nights (so much for the ‘trading training). It is a long weekend here, so he’s been over there with her for 5 days now and flies home tonight. My last two pay checks have gone into our joint account – he is taking her out to dinner on our joint credit card, and generally haemmoraging money from cash withdrawals fancying up his car and preparing to move her into our matrimonial home – yes according to her texts she’s ready to give up her job and move here to my home that I built and have loved for 15 years, but I cannot afford to buy him out as education doesn’t pay well.
    Then I found the second mobile phone. Then I put 2 + 2 together. He employed this woman 12 months ago, she started to flirt with him quite overtly almost immediately – he told me is she being friendly or does she want my body? He said it in a joking manner. I told him at the time, ‘it doesn’t matter, she can’t have you, shame on her she shouldn’t be going after older married men with children’. It seems sometime he took her up on her offer, the story keeps changing, only new relationship, been a few months, none of my business etc, so who knows. I do know she’s 12 years younger than him. divorced four years ago (7 year marriage) no children – just what he wanted! All I know is that at some stage whilst I was at my most needy, scared and petrified and doing all I could to stop my son from committing suicide, my husband did the worst thing that anyone has ever done to me. He told his family back home before me, that he was leaving as he felt emasculated in his own home, that he had no authority because of the two boys going off the rails. But as usual I am left ‘holding the baby’. I am currently trying to hold down my job, look after two traumatised kids, and yes I am left with organising getting myself removed from any joint home titles as well as finding a new dwelling for my family, packing, and paying all legal fees – all whilst he is on a long weekend with his slut, spending my pay. I need to get out quick and need the prayers from the universe to help me get the legalities worked out so I can rescue myself and my boys from this situation.

    • Cathy,
      This is a terrible story. Your husband wants to escape from his responsibilities and is incredibly selfish. You obviously are a very capable person since you have been managing all that’s going on and the stress too for so long. Hang in there! Sending hugs your way (( ))

    • I am SO SO sorry for what you are going through! This is truly a terrible situation. Please take good care of yourself, and your kids who need you now even more than before! Seek out help, you need support from a professional, you need to think about yourself and your kids. I personally think that some people change for the worst, as it seems to be the case with your husband. He is not the man you married and in a weird way, thank God he is going to be someone else´s problem from now on. My mother had to take care of her second husband, who didn´t treat her all that well, and he died slowly and painfully, and my mother took care of him until the end. Well, my mother has lost 20 lbs, energy, was depressed..I tell you, I’m not ever taking care of a man that way if he did something like your H did, so again, think about the future, without someone pulling you down, but instead as being freed from his oppressive, unbelievable selfishness.
      Please get help, you and your kids need it. Get strong. I send you a hug from the bottom of my heart.

    • Jesus Cathy, what a complete shit fest, stop depositing money in the joint account and get yourself a damn good lawyer, you must be exhausted from all the major spackling you’ve been doing,Read through the archives, you need to start acting and stop re-acting.Your ex sounds like a major Narc

  • My name is claudette anthony from united kingdom, my lover dumped me for another girl, with the help of prophet tarsus love spell he is back after 8days contact him for any spell his accountability assured, contact him via:prophettarsus@gmail.

    • Have you no shame, these are real people with real pain, and you’re here spamming the website with your bullshit like you have done on so many other websites

  • This is in answer to Panama. My cheating husband is an alcoholic, and the ow he found is also an alcoholic. You said something about if the betrayed decides to reconcile, it almost makes me laugh. I am living with the most ludicrous situation two cheaters not even able to make it through a day sober. Oh yes I hear that garbage about they are sick, I am at the . no excuse. mode. Anyway, as far as ME deciding to reconcile, when this first came out I had to go to a mental ward as for years I tried to deal with his drinking and then he did this. So all the while he thought the ball was in his court, his decision, his wants, and the ow wow was like a contest to bring me down and all I stand for. Which snark, is really not that hard to do, you just live your day truthful and don’t cheat on your spouse it really is not that hard, also you are sober, you are there mentally for the day.

    So, our great fake 2 reconcillations, heart wrenching for me, thought about them ahead of time, but no it was just for his ego so he wouldn’t look bad and I got this speech

    “I have needs”

    “It was something I had to do”

    I don’t know, the only thing I can think of in life I would “have to” do would be to feed my baby, if I didn’t, a lot of karma consequences, and why would I not feed my baby when I decided to bring them into the world, sort of like my decision to marry, and be true in it.

    Infidelity is hard enough, a person has to take themselves to a very horrible place to do this to their spouse, and if they are checked out on alcohol or drugs, it is all excuses, all excuses.

    It is sort of funny, each time I was in the fake reconciliations, I was just about to think no forget it, as looking at him and thinking what he did, I would have come to the conclusion to not, but he bolted each time, all about him.

    I think you reconciled because you are the only one who will put up with his garbage, and you will also the the excuse why he was driven to his actions.

    It is a lot to sort, a lot of your life on a person who isn’t there, they can be in front of you only not there.

    • I´m sorry about what you are going through. I agree that there is NO excuse for cheating, maybe, only, an explanation. Forgiveness is not a black or white situation, is different in every situation, and is definitely not for everyone. My H never drank or abused alcohol, never found another woman, never even lingered with another woman longer than the time it took to have sex, then he was on to someone else. By the time I found out he had stopped 7 months prior, and I know this for a fact because I had access to every single account, file, profile he had, it was ALL in out home computer with secret passwords which I decoded (he calls me “master hacker” for a reason, but in reality it wasn´t that hard, and it was by pure chance (he forgot his email account open so I went to check on April 2009 when I knew he had cheated, and then I found everything else). Ever since (almost 2 years) he has been a model husband, he has gone back to being sensitive, which is a huge step for all of us, he is considerate, shows empathy and every single day thanks me for giving him another chance, sometimes with words and sometimes with actions. Whether this would be the last time he cheats, is up to him, I am not in control of his actions, but I know (and he does too) that this is the last time he cheats on me because I will not “forgive” him another time. I gave myself an ultimatum and I will honor it, if the time comes.

      Forgiveness is a big word. So many people forgive the person who killed their loved one, but they don´t have to live with that person or ever see him/ her again. So in our case, relationships, forgiveness is a big word. I always thought the closest I will ever be able to get to true forgiveness is “learning to live with it”, with this pain. But about 2 weeks ago, out of the blue, something came over me, this peace….can´t really explain it, and I felt that maybe, I will be able to truly forgive him, maybe.

      Again, I don´t think our situations are similar, and I don´t think I would have been able to forgive my H if he was an alcoholic and left me for another woman, also an alcoholic. You definitely deserve much better and have for a long time, especially if you have children. This man is really sick (and sickness of this type is a good reason to leave someone, after you forgave them before), and I think that the reason he probably went with this other woman is because of the drinking, I really don´t think it was the sex, or romance, but the drinking. So don´t beat yourself up and even think about reconciliation, try to remain strong and keep moving in the opposite direction. Your future will be better and brighter once this heavy weight is lifted from your shoulders. Good luck!

  • I was supposed to be married on the 4th of july this year but about two weeks before the wedding my fiance started staying out at it his friends house and wouldnt call or text till the next morning there was rumors going around about him and a mutal friebd of ours but i asked him and he denied it and told me how much he loves me well i called off the wedding because he wasnt acting how a husband should. Last week i went through his phone and found messages between him and this so called friend. They said i love you to one another and talked about sex. I freaked and woke him up he sais nothing happened and it was just them talking. He broke down in tears and told me he loved me and i deserved better. We have bwen tryong to work on things but she continues to text him he swears he hasnt text her back but idk what to believe i just feel so lost and hurt i just need advice he says if he didnt love me he wouldnt still be here with me

    • Shalie, Go through Chumplady’s very informative archives,seems to me you’re playing his game, and doing the ‘pick me’ dance,you called off the wedding but you’re still living and sleeping with him, where are the consequences for his behavior?

  • I was IN A relationship with an arrogant self centered man for 4 year and had no idea of the kind of man i was living with. What am about to write now, is not a mistake its something am proud of cos i will never stand to see some irresponsible man rise my child. Until now i use to say i am the strongest woman on earth i mean no matter what a man throws at my face in a relationship i will always not let it affect me. Well i was wrong when you have a child with that man every thing he does that is not in your interest hurt you so bad that it feels like your heart is bleeding not cos of you something but mostly because of your child. The name i’m using here is a fictional name cos i don’t want anybody talking about me. Mike and i,were together for four years and we had a child a son together but we weren’t married. Our relationship was just as fun as it usually is in the dating stage i mean we went dates we text all night he call me on the phone just to tell me i love you. It was the best moment of my life aside from the birth of my son and he was right there with me in the labor room when i put to birth he never left my side i mean my life was a fairy tale with the happily ever after theme. When i look back now i ask myself why?Why did he go through all that trouble when really he didn’t love me as he use to say. It was hard for me cos he went from being perfect to being ruthless he made sure i knew he was cheating on me with another b**ch and went i was tried to go away with my son, he threatening to take him away for me that i came with nothing and and also leaving with nothing . I wish i can put this in film to make it more clear for you guy i mean he made me pass through hell. And he was really going to take my son from me cos he was wealthy and the law was on his side cos i had nothing to offer my son i mean i work three job and hardly had time for myself he used that against and i was losing cos i could not even afford a lawyer. Everything was spinning out of hand. All i had with me was the hate and pain in my heart i would stay up all night crying my eyes out cos i had nothing to do. But like they say a desperate woman is a dangerous one. In my quest for help on how to make the scum bag stay away form me and my son i contacted a spell casted i found online i have seen a couple of good remark about him and some most highly recommended him as the best in spell casting. Like i say am proud of what i did if wanting to be with your son by all mean necessary is crazy then i am crazy to have contacted Mutton Osun the spell caster. It made me calm when mutton osun told me he can help me and that he was not going to charge me but how ever he asked me to get the materials we use for the spell and i also paid for the delivery of the parcel he sent me with instruction of how to make the spell effective. Just weeks after i did what he asked me Mike dropped all the case and left the country with his new b**ch i didn’t really care cos i had my baby that is alright for me though i love him i don’t want a monster as a husband or a father of my child so i let him go. I highly recommend you contact Mutton Osun for help if you need any on his email godsofosunx @ rocketmail. com

  • I’ve been in a relationship now for 12 years. We still live in separate homes, but he stays at my home most of the time. We’ve talked about moving in, but he doesn’t want to move into the home me and my husband who passed away shared and his house is very small and old. We are both in our 50’s so were not kids. He has never been married but has a son who is 14 and has a relationship with. Only a couple years into our relationship I found out he was cheating with his the mother of his child. He ended it and said he was having regrets about not being with his son all the time and worried about another man coming into his sons life. Over the years I have suspected that he may be cheating but never could prove it. About 6 months ago, he bought a second phone, said it was for personal calls and didn’t want to use his work phone because his company could see his emails. I was suspicious of this second phone but didn’t question it. Just a week ago, I had an opportunity to look at the txt messages and phone log and found a few txt messages from a women and several phone calls back and forth that were going on over the last few months. The phone calls were only when he was away working. Her contact information was also in the phone, so I took and number down and decided to call her. She told me the ugly truth and that he picked her up in a bar. She was single but she said she didn’t ask if he was. She said there was no emotional connection, it was just sex…She was appalled to hear that we had been in a 12 year relationship and told me to dump his cheating ass. She apologized and told me that he had called her and asked her not to tell me and say they were just friends. Before I called her, I confronted him and told him I looked in his phone, he said she was just a friend and that he didn’t have any relationship with her. I didn’t believe him and had to phone her. She said he also told her that he didn’t want to loose me and said we were on a break when he was with her and that we weren’t having sex because I had a hysterectomy and was a bit crazy from the hormone imbalance….OMG. Of course I didn’t go through a hysterectomy. Anyway, I haven’t told him that I phoned her and since I confronted him has been doing some major kiss ass! Do I stay with this guy? How do I go about confronting him. We both live in a small town, I own a business her and we are connected through friends and family. I know he will try to plead with me if I try and end it. What do I do? Hurt and confused….

    • No kids???? Absolutely dump him! Life is TOO short to give one more minute to this guy…he is taking you for granted, disrespecting you, and he won’t change. No need for this drama….please dump him, enjoy life…

  • If you have been cheated on……..LEAVE………you need to take care of yourself. ….
    this ass##$/^&is not worth another moment of your time……..not an accident……

    He didnt fall and have his Dick land in her V……..
    but first you might want to have some fun try mind fucking with him screw with his head granted you need to be in a place where you’re thinking to do this next thing to do even if you don’t really cheat I wish I had I would feel much better about it now many years later if I had cheated on him to pay him back but the next best thing is to make him think you cheated on him just be in the safe place when you do it and again being a place where you’re thinking straight just to make him feel what you felt you deserve so much better you will find so much better than through it my ex was a trans cheated with both lied about both just absolutely amazing completely controlling didn’t want me to have a life made sure I couldn’t go back to school I left I am so much happier that I leftafter I left he threatened to lock the door I almost laughed out loud I left a big beautiful house I now own my own home that I love with no financial assistance from him you’re better off being by yourself and with someone who would cheat on you and believe me you probably will find someone who is decent its just your choice if you can still maintain a relationship and believe me it will be up to youyou can be much lonelier with someone that doesn’t care about you communicate with you or love you and you can by yourself no matter how much he says he loves you and I mean when he says he loves you that you’d be in parentheses is a joke because that’s not love anybody who cheats on you doesn’t love you just get out get your head straight go back to school get a great life maybe meet a great guy and respect yourself take care of yourself and love yourselfsorry this is so wrong I’m using voice recognition software and its a little difficult to punctuate so believe me honey life is too short to spend it with somebody who is nothing but a fuck around find somebody decent who loves you and adores you and will do anything for you they are out there I do have one best to you and blessings

    ..

    • is this like a super loooooong run on sentence? The structure and grammar are atrocious. Have some respect for fellow chumps and post something more coherent next time.

      • Again, I apologized at the beginning based on the fact that I am using voice recognition software and it is very difficult to punctuate, read the sentence no matter how long it is ,get with the content, I am aware that the structure and grammer are atrocious, just get the point , and again here we have another judgmental person who is giving an unsolicited opinion , none of her business, why would I waste 3 hours sitting here trying to punctuate something on voice recognition, I am NOT here to please your angry self if you have issues, anger management or otherwise,direct them at the source of your anger…..or get some help…….not my problem, you are not the point of my comment…….toxic people ate not welcome in my life……….

        • Your response is kind of blame shifty , I’ve got a right to be annoyed. To me it’s a matter of respect to use proper grammar and sentence structure. I didn’t notice your disclaimer that you were using some device though.

  • My husband went to a strip club with my father and my son. He came home wasted with his wedding ring in his pocket and some strippers phone number saying he still has it. My 18 th anniversary is this weekend and this is what he does now he tells me he was really drunk and cant remember if he cheated on me or not. My husband and father just keep lying to me. I guess they think im stupid. My husband also made $100, $60, $60 deposits while he was there. This was at the end of their night. I feel so much pain and confusion i dont know what to think or feel anymore. The worst thing is my husband knew how much it would hurt me just to go see strippers as i grew up with a father that went to the stippers regularly and a very hurt mother because of it. Just wondering what others think of my situation. How can i stay with someone that i loved and trusted so much and now cant even look him in the eye.

  • well this is my long story i a have been married for 21 years. i thought as a young woman that men cheat (but not mine) but when my daughter was a baby a woman called me and said she had a baby with my husband. i clicked over and dialed him on three way calling. he acted as if he did not know who the woman was . “wow he has been messing with so many women he does not know this woman i thought.” i actually felt sorry for her. anyway. i stayed married to him. we were young. he was young. this is a thing he is going through i was told. dont give up your relationship for this. it may not be his child. the OW got married her husband told my husband to stay away from his family. He never went back to see the child. i stay because i loved him. through the marriage we always had problems, drugs, abuse, financial discord but i nevery left him. i am in my forties now and i feel like he is taking advantage of me….

    fast forward i decided that his financial irresponsibility was enough so i am going to leave him. then his daughter from the affair called him since she was out of high school and her parents could not stop her from starting a relationship with her bio dad (as she calls him). she found him on facebook. it brought back the emotions from long ago and more questions. “who else did you cheat with i asked him?” just as casual he says his high school sweet heart’s name. throughout the years i thought he had too much of a connection to her but it was his first love so i get it – i guess- but the problem was i was not comfortable with him being her friend on facebook, he did repairs at her home, she visited his mother with her children. it was too much- keep in mind i was not cool with this eventhough i did not know she was one of his APs- he called me jealous and insecure- but now i am very hurt– he was a cheater – i knew he was a cheater- but when he said he did not have sex with her i believed him—

    “Lets work it out give me a chance- i have never tried before but i will now” he told me- btw, he had an accident at work and almost died. now he has had an “aha” moment he want to be the father he needs to be- all of the love and suport i gave him was not enough as he repeatedly went to jail, rehab, me working not him- now only he almost died and “aha, I have been wrong and need to change my life” he says.

    He told my oldest daughter about his other child and my daughter called me a loser. “why did you stay with him?” she was sad and upset too.

  • I have been dating the same guy for six years. He is the most wonderful person. I never thought in a million years that he would cheat on me. I found out last night that he had sex with one of his girl friends (I was also friends with her but she was closer to him). He told me three days after it happened and cried his eyes out. They were both very drunk and he says it was a mistake. He has cut off all contact with her and the fiends he was with that put him in the situation. He has also agreed to stop drinking until I am okay with it again.

    I have no idea how to handle this or what to do. He is my best friend, the love of my life, and I know he is sorry but this is still obviously unacceptable.

    help!

  • May 2012 Chump Lady:

    There are so many good people in the Chump Lady archives. To anyone reading this email, Chump Nation needs you.

    Could you spare a few minutes to help drum up support for Tracy’s new book? Go to this post and see if you have anything to add.

    http://www.chumplady.com/forums/topic/advocacy-for-chump-rights/

    If nothing else, could you come over to the forum, start a thread, and give us new Chumps an update on your Gain a Life goings-on?

  • This is absolutely, completely, perfectly spot on.

    (1) You won’t sleep. Get sleeping pills. You probably shouldn’t use them for years on end, but a crisis like this is exactly what they’re for.

    (2) Try to eat. You won’t want to. Just think back on how much a normal person eats at a meal and shovel that much into your mouth. I failed to do this and lost 5 lbs/week for 8 weeks.

    (3) Do something constructive. Weed the garden. Recycle old newspapers. Purge your inbox. Aren’t you pissed off? Don’t give your cheating SO the satisfaction of collapsing into a pool of jelly.

    (4) Make a friend. I knew literally nobody in my new city. I went to the neighbors’ house and collapsed crying in their kitchen. Five months later I can’t think about how wonderful they are without tearing up. People are nice if you open up to them. They have a friend who was screwed over like you were, and they will sympathize with you.

    (5) I never used online support, but I called every family member and emailed every old friend I wished I had kept up with. Your friends will rally to support you even if you haven’t kept up with them since college. You may be confused, but people who are less overwhelmed know that cheating is not acceptable. It is not your fault and you having nothing to be ashamed of, and normal (non-cheating) people will rally round you. Talking helps. I don’t know why but it does. Don’t keep it bottled up inside or you will lose all perspective and end up paralyzed by grief, pain and doubt.

    (6) Everyone will tell you it will get better. I believed them but it didn’t make it feel better. Keep your shit together for two weeks and you will see that – although you still feel like you want to crawl under a rock and die – it’s better than it was two weeks ago. Repeat this every two weeks until you notice that the sun is shining. Keep repeating until you laugh at a joke. Keep repeating until you enjoy an afternoon alone reading a book. Keep repeating until you notice that someone at the supermarket is kind of cute. I don’t know what happens after that, but people tell me that eventually you find someone better (which, if we’re being frank, isn’t that hard. How about just someone who is loyal and honest?)

    Context, for what it’s worth: wife neglected to tell me marriage was over and she was having an affair with a colleague. I moved three kids and house 800 miles for her new job; she told me two months later that she could never love me. She refused counseling, moved out, was enraged by my pleas to *attempt* to save our 17-year marriage (but, strangely, is angry with me for filing for divorce). Attempted divorce yesterday but she had a panic attack and her lawyer called time out. Apparently it’s not as much fun getting divorced as she thought it would be. I’m not sure why her boyfriend couldn’t be there to support her; maybe he’s busy with his kids from his previous busted marriage and couldn’t make it.

  • This is to good people, i suspect my wife is having extra affair…. So I decided to seek the consent of Grey(greyhackitall@consultant.com) he helped me hack into her phone and I got all necessary info needed thanks to him. It sucks when you give your love to just one and realize your been taken for a fool. I can’t stand it she already moved in with the young guy but I’msure I will overcome this soon. Try him sure he will do anything on hacking .. Pete

    • Pete,

      If you’re not here just to sell something, go to today’s post and chime in. You can also go tinted forums. In a guy chump and I feel your pain. Likely nobody else will respond on this old post so try the other resources. You got this.

  • Dr Mack is the truth…. He is the only man who can…turn your heartbreak to joy…. he is the right person to contact Email:dr.mac@yahoo .com if you want your Ex-lover…

  • Dear, Invisible friends. I have been suspecting my wife for a while. I think she is been having an affair with a neighbor. I found some evidences, and those evidences always points out to the same direction, all the time.
    We haven’t had sex for a while, almost a year but, 3 weeks before the incident, we had sex. and because of her condition of vaginal dryness, she needed a lubricant.
    That particular day, when wed had sex, we couldn’t find a lubricant around the house, for her to use. I suggested to her to use some coconut oil solution, that she uses on her feet for dryness. Because, it’s all pure coconut oil, we decided to use it as lubricant, and it worked. One day, three weeks after we had sex, we got into a big argument and she left our bedroom to sleep in the other bedroom, that bedroom has access to the backyard. That night she slept in that room. the following day and early in the morning, she left the house to buy some stuff at the grocery store. when I got up from bed, I went into the guess bathroom down the hallway, I went inside the bathroom, I noticed that in the trash can were some wrapped toilet papers (4) of then, packed with coconut oil and water, she normally does that to clean herself after sex. I also found that inside the jar, containing the coconut oil was a fingermark with a distinctive large finger, a large index finger. My fingers are small and also hers fingers. I confronted her with this evidence and she denies it and she couldn’t give me a convincing answer. What is your opinion?, as I am getting very confused and I seeking counseling therapy. I have been married for over 35 years.

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