Dear Chump Lady,
The other woman is taunting me!
She’s been in an affair with my husband for over 18 months now, and I’ve asked her numerous times to leave my husband alone and she refuses. My husband and I separated 12 months ago, but want to make our marriage work now, but it’s very hard when she keeps popping up.
They break up, 4-6 weeks later she gets in touch again. This is very hard on my husband, as every time his feelings get a big hit, and then she disappears, and he’s depressed again. He keeps telling me that THIS TIME it’s final, and weeks later they are in touch again. I just don’t know how to get her out of my life!
She’s a young, 32-year-old gorgeous woman, she can do so much better, why would she want him? I have asked her, and her answer was that my husband is a separated man, and that she can do what she wants. And also, that I shouldn’t control my husband as we are separated. Also, she told me she is not interested in a long-term relationship with him. She’s just in it for the fun. She just wants him for a few months and then discard him. It’s a game for her.
It’s like she’s enjoying hurting me. She knows how much it devastates me every time, but she doesn’t stop, even though I’ve asked her so many times! I just want her out of my life so my husband and I can repair our marriage. She hates me, and I feel she’s using my husband to hurt me.
What do I do to get her out of my life once and for all? Neither me or my husband want a divorce. We’ve been together for over 20 years, since we were teenagers. We have three kids. Over a hundred mutual friends. Very close families. It would rip our whole families apart. Neither of us want that. We want to repair our marriage.
Thank you.
Annabelle
Dear Annabelle,
“We” don’t want to repair our marriage. YOU want to repair the marriage.
I’m sorry to immediately whack you with the painful and obvious. But that’s the issue here — your husband.
Did he write me a letter? Is he up at 3 a.m. buying all the infidelity self-help books on Amazon? Is he reaching out to therapists and online chumps to over-analyze a thousand things Annabelle?
Yeah. Didn’t think so.
Oh, I totally believe you that the OW is a wing nut. (BTDT, have the legal bills…) However, you must stop framing this as an OW Problem and start reframing it as a Cake-Eating Douchebag problem. (We will return to How Awful the OW Is momentarily.)
Now, I’m sure your husband doesn’t want a divorce. Cake eaters seldom do. But wishing to avoid a divorce, is NOT the same thing as repairing the marriage. You aren’t the first chump to confuse those two things. And I also bet your husband has had misty watercolor moments with you in which he has uttered, “I want to repair our marriage, Annabelle!” Maybe he wept it. Maybe he dripped snotty tears all over a shrink’s sofa as he said it. He doesn’t mean it.
How do I know? Because IT’S STILL ALL ABOUT HIM. And you accept his batshit crazy entitlement as totally normal.
They break up, 4-6 weeks later she gets in touch again. This is very hard on my husband, as every time his feelings get a big hit, and then she disappears, and he’s depressed again. He keeps telling me that THIS TIME it’s final, and weeks later they are in touch again. I just don’t know how to get her out of my life!
It’s very hard on HIM? Are his wittle feewhings hurt? Does he have a sadz?
He fucked you over, Annabelle! You’re the mother of his three children! He doesn’t get to destroy your life and then make it all about HIS FEELINGS about it. YOU MATTER.
The issue is NOT that the OW “enjoys hurting” you. It’s that your husband Does. Not. Give. A. Shit.
About your pain. About the commitment he made to you. About his family.
That’s the sad truth, Annabelle. He’s the Captain of Your Pain. Twinkie there is Skipper, but she could be pushed overboard the minute a new bimbo comes into view. (Land a-HO!) Please direct your fury at him.
That’s assuming you have any fury. (It’s down there, deep under many codependent chump layers. Please find it and deploy it.)
Now, back to the OW. Let’s UBT this crap.
She’s a young, 32-year-old gorgeous woman,
Yeah so? The world is full of gorgeous women. What do you propose to do about that? Cloak your husband in an impermeable gorgeous woman shield? Men with BOUNDARIES and character (which your husband lacks) notice gorgeous women, perhaps think some impure thoughts, and go home to their wives.
That’s a far cry from carrying on an 18-month long affair.
she can do so much better, why would she want him?
She can do better? No, it’s two cheaters with crap morals getting kibble contact highs off each other. Their shallow matches quite nicely.
Why would she want him? Same reason he wants her — kibbles. Narcissistic supply. An easy fuck. Thrilling feelings of deceit, triangulation, and centrality, topped off with some clandestine, sordid orgasms. Paid for at the expense of a chump’s health and welfare, but whatever.
I have asked her,
That was a mistake, Annabelle. Don’t beg the OW for your marriage or ask what makes her tick. She sucks. He sucks. Trust that they suck.
Your pain is more kibbles to them both.
and her answer was that my husband is a separated man, and that she can do what she wants.
Of course. You aren’t the Boss of Her.
Actually, she can’t do what she wants with your husband without the ASSENT of your husband. He’s giving it. THAT is your problem.
And also, that I shouldn’t control my husband as we are separated.
She has a point — you cannot control your husband. You only control YOU. He apparently cannot control himself. That’s either acceptable to you or it isn’t. It’s either okay with you that he disrespects you, lies to you, and breaks no contact, and continues his affair. Or it’s not.
You cannot make him recommit or treat you with respect or cherish and love you the way you deserve. That’s a very, very painful conclusion to draw. So instead, you’re focusing all your energies on breaking up a couple of fuckwits. Please, walk away.
Also, she told me she is not interested in a long-term relationship with him.
Well isn’t that wonderful? Let’s all be about HER needs and interests, shall we? WHO CARES WHAT SHE WANTS.
She’s just in it for the fun. She just wants him for a few months and then discard him. It’s a game for her.
Okay, she’s a wackadoodle who likes to seduce middle-aged men and then spit them out for sport. (Real OW swallow!) Your husband CHOSE her. He invited her into your life. And wants you to pick-me dance to compete with her. Shit got real with a separation, consequences loomed, now he would like to come back to a more favorable cake situation.
And you are LETTING HIM.
Examine that. This is your problem. Not Ms. Gamey McSluttypants there.
CL is dead-on correct. (as usual.)
You should be directing every bit of resentment at your husband. “Whay would she want him?” Fuck that — why would YOU want him?
Take particular note of CL’s words: “Wishing to avoid a divorce, is NOT the same thing as repairing the marriage.” We ALL played that game and lost. He’s clearly not vested in your emotional well-being, so ‘repairs’ for him would be strictly on his terms. PLEASE don’t fall for it.
Stay strong and review the comments you’re going to get today very carefully. It’s going to be difficult to accept but consider the misery you’re setting yourself up for if things continue as they are.
Word. This letter is all about them, all about controlling them, all about managing the situation. You can’t. He sucks and he’s invited another sucky person into your relationship. I’m so sorry you married someone who could do this to you, we all went through the hell of discovering that.
Is it the marriage you want to save or the life you built together? My bet is on the second. It’s incredibly hard to go from being part of a couple, part of a family with a home, routines, financial security and dreams and hopes for the future to facing down life as a single parent. Everything you ever thought about your life has been destroyed, every plan for the future is gone, it’s like being in a sailboat on an ocean with no breeze, we get that.
A marriage is two people working together as partners, one of the partners here is gazing over the edge of the boat and reaching down to the mermaids below while you are desperately rowing. Only one of you is in this and if he isn’t really, you need to drop the dead weight unfortunately.
“One of the partners here is gazing over the edge of the boat and reaching down to the mermaids below while you are desperately rowing.”
I go back and forth — is the cheater partner looking at mermaids below, or at his/her own reflection? See the image link below:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=0ahUKEwimm6G8xMDMAhUDeCYKHfr6AnEQjRwIBw&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.greekmyths-greekmythology.com%2Fnarcissus-myth-echo%2F&psig=AFQjCNEak-5xrsRrhhyJKrmDFxhLxwTEiA&ust=1462455235908509
I’m with mermaids because they aren’t real, just a fantasy that makes the observer feel “special”. All while his partner desperately rows in circles.
UXworld & FinallyAwake, good ones!
Reflection or mermaids?
Both interfere with rowing.
Nevertheless, dead weight always get tossed.
A breeze arises.
Chump sails into a crimson sky.
Delightful!
Delightful take on UX and FA, Virago.
Annabelle,
let him swim with the mermaids…after all it’s his special wittle feewings that he needs to assuage.
Meanwhile you book into reality, copy every financial document, get a lawyer and NC the shit out of an asshole who can’t control his dick in the presence of gorgeous women.
What the hell are you telling yourself. It’s okay for your husband to be swayed by any Thomasina, Dickina or Harriet who enters his world when good honest husbands only look at beauty (maybe pine for youth gone by) and go home to share the partnership they built with their spouse. Would you let your mother, sister or daughter put up with this BS.
The problem here is not this spoiled 32 year old who is spreading her legs for an old man. The problem is the middle aged ass who thinks he bagged that mermaid (didn’t she say she just wanted the shits and giggles for now not longterm)
Hey I’m a Thomasina…but I’m a (super chump) Annebelle’s situation is so simular to mine I just had to comment “this is my life” only difference is this is my husband’s second ow he’s giving a go. Oh there were other sluts in between. Now this bitch has stuck like gorilla glue! I’m so glad I have chump lady and all of you… 28 years. 3 kids 3 grandbabies all a horrible blur and counting with this creep!!!! Xoxo tracey!
What’s your plan?
Oh Annabelle, I wish I could give you a big hug and remind you of what a wonderful person you are! I know you’re scared. Divorcing with kids is a tough choice to make. When I divorced my narc and he ran off with the hooker, I felt so lost. Them they continued (and still continue to this day) to throw rocks at me when I was broken on the floor. I felt hopeless. I felt ruined. Who was I now? I didn’t finish college to be a wife and mommy, so how do I even wrap my head around starting back at square one with no ring on my finger and my sweet babies looking to me for answers?
But I did it and so can you.
Everytime I got a scathing, cruel message, I turned that pain into getting an “A” on my college paper. I collected every rock they threw at me and slowly built a castle for me and my children. It wasn’t easy, but the reward at the end is sweet.
You know what I drew my strength from? My daughter. I wanted to teach her that when a man treats you this way, you LEAVE. And not only do you walk away, you show those losers that you’re gangster.
My proudest day was having my kids watch their Mama walk across that stage with her degree, with honors.
Oh, and guess what? All the shit he put in my head about how worthless, stupid and ________( full in the blank with any insult, apparently I could never do anyfuckingthing right)?
Now I’M more successful than he is.
That’s right. The woman of QUALITY that he threw away. Eats his ass alive. That’s real revenge.
Live well and your kids seeing your strength. Focus on that goal. My kids always saw me as the girl scout leader, and just “Mom” before. Now they see that I can also be a top exec of an engineering firm.
The best part? I don’t have to take orders from him anymore. No more “covering” for All the times he embarrassed me in front of my friends. No more daily mean insults. Dobbie is free!! I slowly stopped drinking his koolaid to remember what I’m worth.
Oh, and I have a little whore (now wifetress) that was exactly like yours. And I agree…she sucks!! Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re “not allowed” to be mad at her…blah, blah, blah. Flick that noise. She knew exactly what she was doing. It’s a cheap shot for women to chase a married man because marriage is rough, because you’re in the throes of the non-glamourous child rearing years. She’s a troll, you have my permission to fantasize about punching her in the throat ( just don’t do it).
Remember who you are and the little people who are watching how you handle what Daddy is doing. You have the power to show them what Mommy is made of. One small step at a time, dear. Just breathe. Find your inner Mama bear and nail his ass to the wall in court. Then smile when you see them and kindly remind them not to forget to deposit the child support.
“Men with BOUNDARIES and character (which your husband lacks) notice gorgeous women, perhaps think some impure thoughts, and go home to their wives.”
Annabelle, I’m gonna echo that sentiment. I have a dear male friend X who is married to the love of his life and they have three children. I once asked him if he even noticed other women and he said, “Once or twice, but the simple fact is that where my affections, my love and time are concerned, it’s Mrs. X and the kids or no one.” A man with character will make that same choice. Good luck, dear.
Absolutely. It hurts Annabelle, but she’s not your major problem, he is. He’s allowing everything. Stop projecting his feelings because he is a lying liar who lies. I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
As I’ve often said, being married doesn’t mean you can’t read the menu…. it just means you can’t place an order.
“Actually, she can’t do what she wants with your husband without the ASSENT of your husband. He’s giving it. THAT is your problem.”
This. This this this.
Yes!
That’s the first thing that popped into my head (progress!) : The OW isn’t the problem – the fact that sweet, helpless hubby is there waiting for her and welcoming her back is the damn problem! No cheating husband = no OW.
Well, that’s awkward. Didn’t want my name on here. Damn.
I only see LoopDaLoop from my vantage point – I, too, value my anonymity, so I understand your concern.
Huge relief! I can’t explain why, considering the membership, I am nervous (?) about having my real name appear here.
You mean LoopDaLoop isn’t your real name? I knew some Loops – good people 😉
OK – this response was so flippin hilarious!
Just give up annabelle and trust HE sucks. Asswipe pulled that crap with me and i wasnt buying it. Cry, scream, rage i know it hurts im almost three years out still hurts. But after a time i gave up told asswipe him and whore juice deserve each other and i filed. On my way to meh and healing. Just dump his sorry ass you deserve better. Whore juice knows better than to come near me i wouldnt help her if she lay bleeding in the street. Or asswipe either. He walked away from 27 years like it was nothing to him into whore juices waiting arms and She didnt care either. Id walk over his prone body flipping my hair exactly what he did to me. Im sad to say lawyer up honey its over hes not worth it but you most certainly ARE!
Whore juice? I love it, but how did you come up with that?
Just came to me vulcan.
Annabelle, your commitment is with your husband, not the OW. She hasn’t broken any vow with you. Your frustration really needs to be redirected to the source of your problem, which is your husband. If it’s not her, it will just be someone else down the line. Sing like a bird and then run for the hills. He is willfully having an ongoing relationship outside of your marriage, and you need to find it in your heart to let him go.
It always comes back to ACTIONS verses WORDS. The fact the he will not shut the OW out of his life completely clearly says he is not invested in repairing his relationship with you. Walk away from the drama ASAP and lawyer up.
Word.
And tell ALL your family what’s going on…..
“And tell ALL your family what’s going on…..”
Yeah, this. Tell his family, too. I was such a mess by the time my marriage ended I don’t know if his family knew he was having an affair with C, the banker for the family business.
Will it help her any to tell her family? My family took my ex husband’s side because he was just too nice to do the things I said he had done and he must have had a reason because he was married to me. They now see the truth but I have never, ever had an apology from anyone and I don’t expect to receive any. Excuses are still being made for him. I realise that some people in life can do no wrong in other peoples eyes. My ex could have murdered someone and his mother would have blamed the other person. The ex is a protected species and always will be.
Maree – It depends on the level of maturity of the family. If her family dynamics are healthy, then they will support her. But if her very own family is dysfunctional, then they will side with the ex. And if your ex’s mom would have defended her son even if he murdered someone, then that sounds like a personality disorder to me and someone who is very dysfunctional. This is not normal. A healthy family supports the innocent, not the guilty party.
Kellia, your comment has hit the nail right on the head. My own family put the ‘dis’ in dysfunctional and I distanced myself from them when my children were born as I did not want my children to know what unhealthy environments my ex husband and I were born into but it backfired on me big time. Don’t get me started on the late mother-in-law. I agree totally with you comment, thank you.
I think it depends on family dynamics. I told MY family everything. One of my sisters drove across the country. I told her I needed to end and start the New Year someplace else so we flew to Puerto Rico and then went on a cruise. My dad and stepmom offered me money if I needed it. I didn’t, but it was an amazing offer. My sons came when I called and made a point to include me in some of their plans. I was unfortunate in a husband, but very fortunate in loving and supportive family. It suck when you don’t have either.
I agree Annie Get Your Gun… My family surrounded me the minute my exho declared Dday, once the affair he was having with his best friends significant slut was exposed, the members of HIS family that I am closest with supported me too…cheating (the accusations and proof of) can evoke such a visceral response, you quickly find out who truly is there for you. Anyone who has aligned themselves with my exho has been asked to exit left, allowing me to have more room to embrace the help from family and true friends… My relationship circle is smaller now, but fierce, and I am grateful…
Annabelle, focusing on the OW is keeping you from looking at your own life. You are trying to control her, instead of asking yourself whether living this way is what YOU want. You have a right to live life without such crappy people hurting you over and over. The OW didn’t pledge her fidelity to you, your husband did, and he obviously doesn’t give a damn about breaking that pledge over and over again. He is not some helpless toddler who has no control over his impulses.
Stop looking at what your husband and OW are doing and take a look at yourself. Aren’t you tired of getting hurt? You are the only one that can put a stop to it. Give yourself the love you deserve.
On the whole “the OW didn’t pledge fidelity to you” — I get it, but I don’t think it helps newbie chumps.
It’s reasonable to not expect people to be complete ass-wipes, who are out to break up your family. Chumps have every right to be enraged. It’s appalling behavior and incredibly hurtful. Especially when you get an OW who truly relishes the pick me dance and taunting the chump. (I had one.)
That said, the larger point is that this moron would not be in your life were it not for the crap morals of your partner.
The whole the OW/OM doesn’t “owe” you anything, IMO, is counter-productive.
No, they don’t owe me. But they still suck. And I’m entitled to my fury and disgust.
It’s what you DO with it. I say, walk away from people who disgust you, and divorce cake-eating cheaters.
Agreed, cheating spouses suck, and OW/OM suck. They both suck cum laude. They both bear responsibility. They all deserve to have lightning bolts hit their privates. Even 7 year olds know deception is bad, and that it is good to behave with honor. Morals for dummies.
I think the cheating spouse sucks WORSE. The world is full of sucky people. You would never have met them were it not for your cheater.
You would never have NOTICED all the sucky people were it not for your cheater. Or maybe I’m too naive.
Yeah, I agree that being enraged at the OW/OM is justified, I just mean that the focus should be more on her husband. He’s the one who’s responsible for bringing the OW into the picture. I can’t stand the OW in my case, but I never saw my husband as her victim, or believed he was helpless to resist her charms. HE was the one with no boundaries, who brought her my life and tried to insert her into our family’s life. In my mind he was always the problem, more than she was. But I agree, they both suck.
I think Tempest just titled your next book, “Morals for Dummies.” She cracks me up.
I check in here every day because it is so therapeutic, thank you CL and CN. This letter and your reply CL touched a chord in me.
I too had a OW who got off on tauting. Don’t feed her Annablle. Please don’t. My XH owned a bar/restaurant, and she worked as a waitress there, and alongside my son. Every chance she got (before DDay for me and my kids) she would play head games with my son, antagonize me with an “in your face” attitude and strut around like she owned the place. I learned that it was all a game to her. After everything hit the fan I found out she was the one, who had put nails in my tires, left threatening notes on my car (stupid me turned them over to my ex), etc. She loved to preach that she lived her life through Jesus all while sleeping with her married boss while I was battling cancer. When I found out, my kids (especially my son) made me promise to stay away from her no matter how tempted I was to confront her. I am SO glad they saw what I couldn’t at the time! It would have served NO purpose, except to feed her ego. The two of them enjoyed causing us pain.
Let your sadness, anger, frustration wash through you, know that it will pass, if you work through it, you will make it out to the other side. Take it one day at a time, and before you know it, it will be “Tuesday”.
CL is right, so your OW is young, etc. so was mine, 30 years old (25 younger than my ex). Want to know why they go after married and/or older men? Because the single men their age, the ones with character and a good heart, can see right through them. One day you will get a good look at her and the ugliness inside. A year after my divorce, the OW tried to run me into oncoming traffic, when I looked over and saw her face, it was an epiphany. I saw what everyone else saw. I hadn’t laid eyes on her since way before DDay, hadn’t seen or spoken to my XH in over a year, and there she was attacking me ! Wow, That says it all. And HE brought her into our lives !!
Trust that they suck, you deserve better, your kids deserve better. Find what brings you joy, a smile to your face, know your worth, we do !
Kathy, your story is one of the most heart-wrenching ones I’ve seen on CN. Good riddance to your shithead ex and OW, and I hope you and your kids are doing awesome now! (PS–Aren’t you the Kathy who did her PhD while going through all this?)
Wow, Kathy, that is one seriously deranged, poor excuse for a human being. Bless your kids, you raised ’em right!
Thank you FMT and Fifi, we are doing better, and with each passing day distancing us from the past, we’re healing. My kids are in their 20’s, so they’re not little but the effect a cheating piece of garbage and the AP has on a family, has far reaching affects that “cheater apologists” will never understand.
I never could get a handle on why I always felt unsettled…so unsure of myself, my kids were the same. UNTIL the truth really did set us free.
I wish I had been working on my PhD FMT, I was a stay at home mom because he was never home.
Right now I’m finishing up the last repairs on my house, putting it up for sale and moving from Michigan to Colorado. I can’t wait to look this town and every memory of our 32+ years together in the rear view mirror. We are each taking a leap, but I’ve never felt more secure. And I have each one of you here at CHump Nation and Tracy to thank !!
Thank you for making me see my worth.
WOW! BIG HUGS, Kathy!!
Chump Lady,
Thanks for weighing-in on the “does the OW suck?” question. We’ve had this discussion before here, and I agree it’s a bit of a diversion for newbies.
Yes, the OW sucks. We live in a society that set expectations for behavior. Marriage is a legal contract. OW is in violation of that contract. She is liable.
But, Annabelle, you’ve got to take care of yourself first.
(Tempest, – “cum laude?” yuck ?)
Sure, Ian, “yuck” it up all you want; suckitude is serious business.
Agree on CL’s comment on OW. I too struggled with this. I think it’s okay for BS to hate the OW. As long as you don’t act on the hatred, and hold H accountable too. These women are POS.. the older I get, the more angry it makes me. There is a LOT of cheater apologizing going on out there.. I have even heard it from friends.. people who know what I went through… the ole “two sides to the story” defense. It’s bullshit.
Character, it comes down to that.
“Two sides to every story…”
Me: One is full of bullsh*t.
The OW thing makes me mad too because OBVIOUSLY the cheater is stupid and either already had loose morals or the morals needed very little loosening. And many many many affairs start as just friends. Well guess what stupid h she was NOT your friend. She was NEVER your friend. As soon as you mentioned ANYTHING about any kind of possible unhappiness she lost 100% interest in friendship! The whoremat in my situation is a train wreck with no boundaries who lets ANY man walk ALL OVER HER! Her ex fiancé gave her a rape baby. She’s been bankrupted and had her 401k stolen and he STBX is an alcoholic that hits her. She was NEVER looking for a “friend” she is sad and pathetic and manipulative and she was looking for her next “good guy” which my stupid asshat fell for. Especially because she was SO sympathetic to his “marital problems” (wife doesn’t bake enough cake for his liking?) that she “wanted to help him fix his issues with his wife” SO MUCH that she told him she LOVED HIM and opened her legs. Good going on that one. She’s even been cheated on. SEEN her own STBX fucking someone else! So she went and did it to me too! SLUT! WHORE! SEE YOU NEXT TUESDAY! BITCH! Any real human being would KNOW to back the fuck off of ANY married person no matter how much they claim the marriage is dead if there is no separation or divorce on the horizon. Nope! Not an excuse. STBX is to blame but that fucking bitch wasn’t an innocent by any stretch of the imagination!
Sad Shelby – YES, Mighty woman!! That’s the anger you need to move you forward.
People need to get that out more on this site.
Going thru the anger stage is one of the most important ones, as long as you keep it productive.
YOU GO GIRL!
Annabelle, the most telling thing in your letter is that your husband gets depressed after every time the OW disappears. He wants her in his life. He wants her to reappear. It’s up to you to disappear on him now.
Annabelle – I understand that you want to save your marriage – lots of history, children, family, etc. – but your husband is being completely absusive to you and your kids. He’s got all of you in all in Limboland while this whore bats ALL OF YOU around like a cat playing with a wounded mouse. Your husband signed up for being treated like that when he started up with this pig – you didn’t. And neither did your kids.
If you’re intent on staying with him, tell his to grow a pair and cut this off – TODAY. Not tomorrow, not the third Tuesday of next month. TODAY.
CL is right. This isn’t an OW problem, it’s your husband that is completely at fault. The fact that he’d let this raging bitch fuck with you this way speaks volumes about his character (lack of), his respect for you, his respect for your children, and the life you’ve built together.
I also think you should stop any form of communication with her. It’s part of her game and she obviously loves to torture you. This is one sick bitch. You need to have more respect for yourself than to even deign to acknowledge her existence.
If you can’t get enraged about this whole situation for yourself (some of us have major self-esteem issues) then do it for your kids. This woman and your husband have waged war on your children and you just can’t allow that. Stand up for your kids.
Don’t take this crap for one more minute. If your husband really doesn’t want a divorce, then make him prove it. TODAY. It’s as simple as him going NC with the cloven-hoofed one. He needs to be an adult and suppress the impulse to be in contact with her. There is no gun to his head to answer her calls. Tell him to suck it up or get out. He’s shining you on because you’re letting him.
I wish you much luck, Annabelle. Do it TODAY.
+1
Well said !!
Annabelle,
In my case my ex-wife choose the OM a co-worker in the end.
The OM in my opinion really enjoyed snagging my wife away from me, and enjoyed the power trip. Probably still does today! He won the prize! She won her prizes as well!
I asked her to stop seeing him, She said no! I asked her repeatedly to go to counseling with me, she said NO! I was gone 3 weeks later….It took me a while, but once I started reading CL, I realized I had already wasted so much time trying to fix a marriage by myself, so ….
I ran, and got out as fast as I could! It’s been a year since the Judge signed the papers. There is still unfinished business to deal with, but overall my life is just now beginning! A blank slate of sorts.
Read CL, and the advice from others here, go to counseling, and you’ll find your way.
Are his wittle feewhings hurt? Does he have a sadz?…haha.. this post had me LOL a few times. Hilarious and spot on advice! Go chumplady!
THIS! Annabelle, CL and Lyn are spot on! Remember, you do NOT have to live with the crap choices your husband and the tramp are handing you! They are feeding only thier needs, ask yourself, “what does Annabelle want, what does Annabelle need?” “Why does Annabelle want this type of man and marriage?” You have choices too! Don’t let these two control YOUR future. Forget about what these two idiots are doing and concentrate on yourself and your kids. Cut Mr. Cheater and his game playing Ho out of your life. Let your husband pursue the shit out of the Ho. She told you herself what her intentions are, let him get what he richly deserves! You and your kids deserve better!
You might want to believe if you take him back that he will be grateful, and learn that he needs to treat you better. What he will really learn is that cheating is ok with you. He knows the OW is hurting you, but does he shut that down? It doesn’t sound like it.
You really have nothing to work with. You married a disordered person. Get off the crazy train and rebuild. Others have done it, I am doing it, so can you.
I dunno. Knowing how many chumps block their cheaters… Husband could cut that contact off pretty quick from his side dish. She gets to him because he wants it. Instead, he says he wants to be married and only falls into bed with her every few months? My real question is who else is he fucking when she’s off the menu. People who want their marriage to work… Make it work. He’s making his seperation really entertaining. Everything you say about her- she gets in touch, she talks to him, she doesn’t care if she ruins your marriage… These all can be accurate statements for your husband as well.
CL is spot on, as always.
X-holes troll wouldn’t even answer her phone when I called her, cursed her out via voice mail. I could not fathom being taunted in this manner by such a disgusting excuse for a human being, I would probably have to slap the shit out of her as I don’t think I could refrain.
We become so complacent in our treatment after being brainwashed into minimizing our needs and expectations that we tolerate this shit.
Dear Annabelle stop believing his bullshit, educate yourself on Cluster B’s and find your strength for yourself and your children. No one should ever put up with this depth of treachery. Good luck xoxo.
NCStevie, I agree that we become brainwashed into minimizing our needs and tolerating the intolerable. Now that I’m in a healthy place, I look back and can’t believe what I put up with. For me it started when I became dependent after having to stop work to take care of two sick babies. That’s when his boss started calling our house asking for advice on her sex life. He seemed more supportive of his boss for going through a divorce, than his wife who was struggling with no sleep and two sick babies. That’s when his boss started calling him her “work husband,” and saying their relationship was “like a marriage.” That’s when he’d come home from business trips and tell me they practiced their presentation in her hotel room. (WTF?) Of course, he had his eye on her position, so he sucked up to her to gain favor. He did eventually get promoted to her job when she retired. Once I had the privilege of being asked along on a vacation/business trip he took. After we got there, I found out his boss was coming too, and bringing her husband. My ex followed her around like a puppy, leaving me to walk far behind with her husband. It was like I wasn’t there. He couldn’t understand why it upset me.
Lyn,
Among other things, that was my first indication that I was a second class citizen to him: he walked with slut puppet while I was relegated to the back with his mom. We were newlyweds!
I felt so dumpy and hurt. There were many other indications too, but that one sticks out.
Annabelle- I know it’s hard, it’s unfathonamable that someone you loved with all your heart did this. But he did. And he would do it again. I still suck on the hopium pipe too, until I realize he is channeling the three channels: charm, pity, rage. Yours may be stuck on a channel, because it is a huge success.
I always hate it when people tell me what I should do, but in this case, as painful as it is, you can always go back, but you are only delaying the pain. I asked myself if I could ever do to anyone what he did to me, his wife, and the answer was no. I decided I deserved more than to be in a relationship alone, and filed. He was pissed and still is, as he lives with ho.
I think in the initial stages, anger at the OW is natural. I hate slut puppet. In the end though, she will just be a victim. Your story could be different, but sometimes these sluts talk a big game, but they will still be hurt. Then you can applaud from 30,000 feet.
That hopium is a killer. I know it’s dead and done. And then BAM! I’m back on the unicorn looking around for wreckonciliation and that double rainbow! It’s so damn hard! And the worst part is he’s so damn wishy washy fucked up I’m pretty sure if he did come back if dump him anyway! What is wrong with me?! Love! You make me a dumbass. And the REAL kind. Not the stupid twu wuv BS with the whoremat! It makes me sick s real deep emotion like that keeps me wanting such an asshat!
Toss his ass out of your life, get a restraining order on her and never look back!!! He is not thinking about what is best for his family, he is only thinking of himself. GET OUT while you still have your sanity.
I think Annabelle is making the mistake a lot of women make when their partners cheat,namely blaming the other woman. Please take the advice of people who have walked this path and focus your attention on your husband.He is the one who is responsible to you,the one you deserve respect from.The wingnut OW keeps circling back around because he responds.If he wanted to block her out permanently,he most certainly could.I would also ask myself Annabelle,why you think this appalling treatment is acceptable to you?
Find a good lawyer and a good counsellor to help you enforce boundaries with the turd you are married to.
He needs to have his arse kicked to the kerb.
“Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, JOLEEEEEEEEEEEENE!”
Don’t do this Anabelle. Don’t be a sad, forgotten verse of a country song. It’s almost like you are Pick Me dancing for THE OW! This is INSANITY and has to stop immediately. No Contact w/OW and, if at all possible, go No Contact w/husband who keeps on lying to you about contact w/her.
Oh my gosh – EXACTLY – “Jolene”!
When we consider ‘Joleen’ and ‘Here You Come Again’, it appears Ms Parton was cheated on a time or two. Just goes to underscore what we say about it doesn’t matter who you are or what you look like etc.
A thousand times yes! No Contact is the best thing chumps can do for themselves. As someone wise said: the only way you can win this game is to not play.
Anabelle, part of the OW’s fun in this game is to make you nuts. Don’t give her that power! As for your cheater husband, part of the fun of the affair for him is the illicitness of it; the forbidden fruit; the secrecy, the triangulation. It’s all so dangerous and naughty and exciting. “How can this be wrong when it feels so right!!”, and all that. The minute you stop playing, 75% of their fun evaporates. And what are they left with? Themselves. Each other. Their relationship. *yawn*.
Withdraw from the competition, Anabelle. That’s your biggest power in all of this.
My sentiments exactly but i love the way you phrased this!
Deedee is spot on. Annabelle, all you are getting is faux wreckinciliation and continued cake eating. NC is the only thing that begins moving you through the necessary stages of grief. Let them have their “prizes.” I said as much to my STBX when I went NC: it won’t be nearly as fun when you aren’t trying to put one over on the wife. He took an “I’ll show you” tack, tried to force OW on relatives and it backfired. 5 months on, he is sitting at a family wedding wearing black and looking isolated, bloated and miserable. Even if your H sticks with OW, when he doesn’t have the adrenaline from the secret affair, reality will set in and it won’t be pretty.
Annabelle………..My ex did this same exact thing. I would catch him in contact with OW and tell him I was done and then he would fall on the floor (literally!) crying and pledge to never speak to her again and claim he didn’t want a divorce and profess his undying LOVE to me and only me. Problem was…..I continued to catch him in contact again and again. Of course my ex blamed OW and even once told me he was afraid of her and that she was crazy. Guess what??? He now lives with her! Yeah……sure…..he’s afraid of her?
Listen……IT STOPS WHEN YOU SAY IT DOES! She is out of your life…..WHEN YOU SAY SHE IS!! End it by putting distance between yourself and the love birds. She wants to use him…..let her. He is not the child you are treating him like. He is a grown man. He made a commitment to you and your children that he broke. Let him crash and burn!
It is VERY rare for marriages to heal from this type of infidelity. He sees what he continues to do to you and it doesn’t stop him. LET HIM GO and move on with your life. He is a boat anchor that will only drag you down under water until you can’t breathe. SAVE YOURSELF!!!!
Hugs to you. You deserve better and so do your children.
As Jenny said to Forest. “Run Forest! Run!”
“Run Forest! Run!” Is my mantra. Annabelle, as much as you wish you could fix this awful mess, you’ve got nothing to work with. If He’s a cluster B, there is No Fixing that Shit! I couldn’t (wouldn’t?) see the abuse clearly until I was out nearly 2 years of my 37 year marriage. All the lying, gaslighting, minimizing and mindfucking… Who knows how much he was getting away with for decades behind my back. I wasted years in celebate limbo, while he was fucking around or trying to with all sorts of women. I found out about more of them over the last 2 years, all the while he was pretending to try to heal our marriage. The hardest thing is to accept what you cannot change. But really, what choice do you have? It will never go back to the way you want it to be. Hurts like a motherfucker. I’m so sorry. “Run Forrest, RUN!!!!”
1. You and he had a contract. He broke it. Other than signing the papers it is null and void
2. You have wasted a year and a half of your life you will never get back.
3. He is enjoying the hell out of this. Being a teenager in love……aahhh…….there’s nothing like it.
4. His thrill is waiting for the text, phone call etc. to say the game is on again.
5. Even if this is the first time he cheated it won’t be the last.
6. Has anything you have done changed one thing? Nope!
7. Are your children doing ok with a mother this emotionally injured? Nope!
8. Do you want joy in your life again? Then get an attorney, get your finances in order
and kick the bastard out. Nothing else will work
The idea that your husband continues to treat you this way and that he lets her do so says all you need to know about him. He chose her to cheat with!!! When you were little you saw things in black and white. People were either good or bad. He is a bad husband, a bad father, a bad man. Your family would never have let you be around bad people when you were young. Why are you not looking after yourself and keeping yourself safe from a bad man?
CL—with all due respect, I need to correct you. You said “Please, walk away.” Nine out of ten doctors recommend RUN, RUN, AS FAST AS YOU CAN away from this toxic shit sandwich.
Annabel, darling. Listen to what CL says and take it from those of us who BTDT.
Thanks, Ian, I’ve never seen that video before…. I love me some Cee Lo Green. Justin Timberlake as the MC is stellar.
This breaks my heart because the hardest thing was to actualize that there is nothing you can do about your spouse’s infidelity but walk away. If they’re not invested you can’t make them. Then feeling like you have relinquish the person that you love the most to someone else, your worse enemy. But that person is not the person whom you loved. It was a weak mirage the entire time. They WERE the enemy. You feel dumb for going with it all those years. And it all swirls around and around in your head. A truly powerless feeling. It’s all very confusing and consuming. Until something settles and it comes down to clamping down on that bullet. Do you do or do you don’t?
But the key is to come to the conclusion that once you bite that bullet you can begin to heal. At that point you begin to focus on what you CAN control.
That’s a good way to put it and thank you for understanding it’s easy to say but not easy to do. My STBX has only cheated with the whoremat once and shit hit the fan right away. So this hasn’t been going on and on. His fence sitting has but the affair or cheat or whatever was a short thing. So I keep smoking the hopium thinking it is fixable. But I’m trying to listen to the multiple d-day false wreckonciliations and tell myself it’s done he’s dead. Even though he can do a VERY convincing impression of old him.
Annabelle, CL is spot on as usual. “They break up, 4-6 weeks later she gets in touch again.” Why is he allowing her to contact him in the first place? If he truly wants the marriage to work, he would have shut that shit down and blocked all contact. He gets depressed when SHE disappears? The fact that he has any feelings at all for this woman says it all. Nothing says depression like getting served divorce papers, breaking up an entire family and losing half of your assets.
This reminds me of when my teenage son was dating a girl that I didn’t approve of and told him she was bad news. You aren’t his mom trying to teach him what he should be looking for in a potential mate. He had one of those, until he cheated. You deserve better…they deserve each other. I hope you will find a good lawyer and find a better cheater free life.
In addition to all the usual blocking, phone number and email changes, etc., if cheater pants really wanted
“Gorgeous’ to stop disruptive his life and marriage, he would file a restraining order for harassment/stalking.
Cake, cake gimme cake…….nummmmnummmm num num
“Land a-HO!” Hahahaaaa, the genius that is CL! I’ll be laughing at that all day. Annabel, you poor chump, get out now. It will be hell for awhile, but you will get your life, your power, and some measure of peace back and that is worth everything. Annabel, you’re the first to know (besides me): I’ve landed on the shores of Meh, at last! Yesterday, as a matter of fact, I realized it (yes, on a Tuesday). Let me tell you, it is mighty fine. Even though I’m still blogging and writing poetry about what happened in my marriage, it’s from an emotional distance now. I was blogging about not knowing how many affairs he had while we were married, when I realized it didn’t matter how many, because I no longer cared. I invite you to set sail for Meh at once!
Love the sadz picture. Gave me a great laugh for the day. Annabelle listen to CL! Get out and don’t look back!
Annabelle, I read your letter and it pains me so much. Also, one of the things I noticed right away are the reasons you give for wanting to work on your marriage. You have kids, a gazillion friends in common and 20 years together…but you did not say YOU loved HIM. I believe you KNOW deep down that he is the one you should be angry at. And it IS scary as hell to make a decision that will forever change your life as you know it. But what you have right now is crap. Your husband IS cheating on you still. And he’s not stopping. He is showing you who he is. See him.
It’s time to take action Annabelle. Get a lawyer (but don’t tell him or the OW) and start making plans. Without him.
P.S. STOP responding to OW. As of right now. She LOVES the attention she gets from you. And your shitheel of a husband who allows it. If he loved you and wanted to save your marriage, he would be furious that she is contacting you and goading you. But he isn’t. Ditch them both.
I bet if you dump the cheater, it would take all the fun out of their affair. There would be no more triangulation. No more secrecy. No more pick me dancing. No more chump to torture. No more triangulation. They would no longer have their illicit affair. It would be _yawn__ a relationship.
So no more cake.
Love that Yo. Spot on!
Yo, you are so right about this. Like deflating a balloon.
OMG, yo, I just wrote the same thing (even the “yawn” part). I promise I only read your post after I wrote mine, lol.
True that. No sneaking, no triangle, no pick me dance. No cake…
Oh, and please quit “asking” anyone for JACK! Get a lawyer and “TELL” him how it is.
Damn right! Time to get ragey!
I was actually thinking about this little cat with The Sadz this morning. Only it was a pic ex saying Cheater Haz The Sadz.
Yesterday’s UBT brought up an old memory. It was maybe a year and a half into Wreck Con ciliation and I caught ex texting/calling the whore yet again. I got the blah, blah, blah We are only talking, Just Friends, bullshit. But that they weren’t seeing each other. I guess they were broken up or something and he actually said “She won’t see me.” Cheater haz the Sadz. I’m not sure what the purpose of saying that was, so I’d feel sorry for him I guess. Anyway, looking back this is the most mortifyingly disgusting moment of Wreckconciliaton I can remember. Why on God’s earth would I met my then husband sit on our bed, and act Sadz cause some whore won’t fuck him??I must have truly been insane. It’s truly just mindboggling.
Mindboggling indeed. What were you supposed to do? Cheer him up? Give him pointers?
he was hoping for a complimentary ‘get your sadz over soon’ blow job ;-}
The sad thing, hes at the curb, is that he probably got that blow job, lol. Ughhhh, ughhhh, ughhhh.
Mine did something similar during fake wreckonciliation. Laid on the bed and when I asked what was wrong, he responded he was feeling depressed, like he felt before he started seeing the skank. Im convinced they’re not sad/depressed at all. Just another way to try to
Manipulate us and mess with our head
Oh please, they’re not depressed to get their dick up and stick it in another woman. That they’re very well capable of, including all the steps which lead to that, e.g. , calling, texting, emailing and talking to the OW, meeting up in the same place, taking their clothes off, performing sexual acts, intercourse. They have NO problem doing any of those things while supposedly being depressed. Yeah right, they’re depressed.
Yeah I bought the midlife crisis for awhile, but the depression not at all. We chumps know depression. It’s debilitating. It makes you want to do self-harm. It makes you not eat, sleep, or get out of bed. What it does not make you do is flirt, finesse, and fuck.
Agreed Annie.
My worst moment in fence sitting so far is he MIGHT move out w/ the whoremat and if she takes this new job she’ll be gone 10 days of the month. “I’ll be alone 1/3 of the time.” Well motherfucker I’M going to be alone 3/3 of the time! Is this some sort of like sick joke?! ???
SHE can do better? No, YOU can do better. He tells you he’s sad and hurt after she comes back into his life and then leaves again? He’s flaunting his affairs right in front of you. That’s how much he cares about your feelings and your marriage. And your letting it happen, because right now your self esteem is shit and all you can think about is saving the life you know, the 20 year history, the mutual friends. The harsh reality is that stuff is already gone. Your husband destroyed it. Not the OW. He was not powerless over her, he willingly had an 18 month long affair (plus probably a lot of other shit you may never know about). Yes, she is an evil scumbag, but I think you are focusing on her because you think if you can just get rid of the problem – her – then you can save your marriage. But she is not the root cause, he is. His actions, his lack of character, his lying, his cheating caused all this. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. When she is gone it will be someone else. Letting go of what you’re holding on to for dear life will be the hardest thing you ever do. It will be a long, hard road. But you can do it. Keep reading here, learn from CN, go through the awful process and you will come out the other side stronger, peaceful and with a new, better life. How do you get the OW out of your life? By getting out of both of theirs and building a happy one of your own. Peace to you.
THIS: “And your letting it happen, because right now your self esteem is shit and all you can think about is saving the life you know, the 20 year history, the mutual friends. The harsh reality is that stuff is already gone. Your husband destroyed it. Not the OW. ”
My first thought exactly. Your husband already destroyed your 20 year history, your mutual friends, your close family bonds. And you can bet that he started destroying them long before you even found out about the affair by badmouthing you to the mutual friends and family who knew about the affair before you did.
And if he wasn’t trashing those bonds by trashing you before, you’d better believe he’s doing it now–narcissists simply can’t abide the thought that someone would consider them at fault for their cheating or for us leaving, so they blame us. To everyone who will listen. We’re crazy, we’re cold, we’re controlling, we’re abusive, we abandoned them . . . the list goes on. Believe it.
Please don’t try to “save” an unsalvageable marriage with a disordered spouse over things that have already been destroyed. For that reason and all of the many others that CL and CN have listed.
Wait a second, you’ve repeatedly asked the OW to leave your husband alone?! Are you fucking shitting me?!
Annabelle, please grow a set of lady balls and stop it. I’m sure the kids aren’t really digging the whole scenario; Mom trying to protect Daddy from some harpy’s siren song. It’s completely ridiculous.
You’re focusing all your energies on the OW when everyone here can tell you, the OW doesn’t matter. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else. What you should be focusing on is finding a kick-ass lawyer and start planning your life without this tool.
You don’t want a divorce? You think you can repair this? The thing is . . . you can’t. If you want to stay miserable, you’ll stay in this situation as it is. If you want to be happy again, you need to move your feet to do so.
Right on Rumblekitty – ‘..the OW doesn’t matter. If it wasn’t her, it would be someone else.’
When I first caught now-ex with OW, I really wanted to pack his shit up while he was at her house and dump it behind his vehicle in her driveway. But deep down, I somehow knew even then that it wasn’t about her, it was about him. So instead, I kept my mouth shut and lined up my ducks – and this was before I found CL. He cried the sadz too when I kicked him out with the help of my attorney. He sent a lame text to her sort of cutting things off but also leaving the door open just in case. He even told her SHE didn’t deserve to be treated the way he had treated her. And then of course, a few months later I find out that she was one of many OWs and other assorted hook-ups. And guess what? He was lining up a new one and tried to get me to play the pick me dance with that one. Ex is the ultimate example of your statement.
And until we find out the bitter hard way, we think our cheater would never be THAT bad. It’s been one shock after another for me. Still getting revelations long after it all.
Oh, Rumblekitty. “Lady balls” made my day.
Let me explain something. If you haven’t noticed it yet. The responses here are doing something you haven’t done. They are making this about you. Part of the problem is that you have minimized your needs so insanely that your letter is about your husband. It’s about the other woman. It’s about them.
Let me tell you what it’s not about, YOU, or the kids. You need to think about yourself here. Most of us have been there. It’s really hard after all those years of putting everyone else first. One lesson I learned was not to ask myself what I wanted. I honestly did not have a clue after all those years of minimizing my needs. So I started with what I did not want – to be a continual victim of infidelity. Since my husband made it all about him I realized I was never going to be a priority for him. My wants and needs did not matter to him. I did not know what I wanted but I was able to define what I did not want, so I filed.
Lastly…..do it for the children! The lesson they are learning here is not about sticking to your commitments but that you are either a predator or a victim. They are not seeing a relationship that is teamwork in action overcoming against the odds they are seeing that your husband’s behavior is acceptable. It is not! Do not teach them that lesson!!!!!
Excellent points AOOK.
+1
*!* APPLAUSE *!* for AllOutOfKibble.
Very … very wise comment!
Why are you with a man who refuses to stick up for you? He has the power to stop her from coming around, but he has clearly decided that the thrill he gets from still being desired by an attractive younger woman is more interesting than the pain they’re putting you through.
He may mean it (in the moment) when he says that he wants to save the marriage, but that doesn’t mean he’ll actually DO IT. I had such a difficult time parsing out what my cheater appeared to want and what he was willing to DO. I believe that my ex loved me (in a shallow, cheater love kind of way) and wanted to be with me, but only if it was easy. Anything that required effort (like, say, ME) was ignored. If your husband was willing to put in the work, he would have already done so. Ergo, he’s not willing. Cheaters remind me in SO many ways of my difficult (but VERY loved) preschooler: “I’ll poop in the potty tomorrow, mommy! I promise!” He means it with all his heart when he says it, but when tomorrow rolls around, he’s not willing to put the potty where his butt is.
I just had a brilliant idea, Chump Lady! We should have a little game on the blog called “Cheater or child: who said it best?” I’ll start with this little nugget from my son when asked to change his behavior: “I do what I do!”
“But this is who I am!”
Not a young child so much as a teenager.
I’m a bacon and chocolate caketarian, but, you know…judgment. And yes, that sounds exactly like what a teenage girl would shout at her mom just before slamming her bedroom and collapsing into tears.
When my ex cheats on her, do you think she’ll be okay with it because “that’s who he is?”
“I don’t wanna!”
“She cares about me more on my birthday!”
“I’ll poop in the potty tomorrow, mommy! I promise!” He means it with all his heart when he says it, but when tomorrow rolls around, he’s not willing to put the potty where his butt is.”
This literally made me laugh out loud. BTW, love the idea of a cheater vs. child quotation contest. So often the utterances really are interchangeable.
It’s because the cheaters ARE children. When someone once asked me how how many children I had, I replied “one”. My preschool son corrected me…” But you have two…me and daddy”.
@ Free Vixen “I had such a difficult time parsing out what my cheater appeared to want and what he was willing to DO. I believe that my ex loved me (in a shallow, cheater love kind of way) and wanted to be with me, but only if it was easy. Anything that required effort (like, say, ME) was ignored.”
Yes, this! When I called him on this, his response was “Don’t you f**king get it?! I have problems…I’m selfish.” I think that was one of his only truthful moments after D-Day. Well yes now I get it.
OMG I was able to decode this letter right away without even reading CL’s response, while 8 months ago I could have written basically the same letter! I feel like I’ve graduated a course and would like to receive some kind of CL certificate! I guess for now my cherished “meh” coffee cup will have to do. lol
Congratulations, ChumpPirate! I’m happy for you.
Well done, CP. Your new experience is the certificate, graduation gift and champagne!
That’s the magic of the CL and the CN community. Chumps go from thinking it’s all about the Cheater and what the Cheater does, what the Cheater says, what the Cheater wants, to being advocates for our own lives, for our happiness, for our dignity and worth. And we get the tools we need to do that right here.
It took me a long time to come to this conclusion, but I don’t believe affairs are about the Other Person at all. I think ow/I’m are really just Secondary to the agenda of the cheater treating you like shit. The other person just emboldens them to do so.
In real life, finding true love is hard. Yet the cheaters find it oh so easy. This tells me that they are doing what is easiest for them. It’s basically find someone attractive enough to fuck (usually, although the standards are pretty low) that will engage in a commitment free fuck buddy arrange ment. An unpaid prostitute, if you will.
Anita- You’re post is brilliant! I agree with you. Affairs aren’t about the other person, it’s about the cheater’s low morals and values. The cheater decides he wants out and then executes that plan. It’s not like the OW appeared and lured him into temptation. The bastard wanted out and did was was self-serving. Otherwise, it would take a gun pointed at a man’s head to get him to leave his wife and children, and abandon the family he’s created. That’s how real men feel, and the bond to protect and love his family is unbreakable. There are noble men out there like that.
Anita, excellent point. And Kellia, I so hope you are right. Now that I’m at Meh, I would love to have a “noble man” like you describe in my life.
I know there are “noble men” and also “noble women” in this world because I was raised by a very good man. My friends have husbands who are great men, as well as my brother, etc. Just reading CL you can see not only great women but men as well. They wouldn’t fathom treating their family this way.
Annabelle, like so many of us, no matter the number of years, it’s important to step off the crazy train, walk away from toxic people who think nothing of affairs, and you will find sanity, happiness, and a sense of well being. You deserve that and so much more …you don’t deserve to be treated with such disrespect from someone you married.
+1 Anita. I was thinking the same thing.
I don’t think ow/I’m are relevant on an individual level, but I think they are worthy of attention as a group . And that’s really only because they do so much damage, on their own, to chumps. So the more you know, the less damaging I think.
I think the ow/om are secondary because the cheater DECIDES to cheat, first, then goes looking for a co cheater. I think they purposefully look for someone who will bother the chump and highlight to them their “deficiencies”. Whatever the chump’s concern is, they want to exploit it. For example, if your weight bothers you, they will pick someone thinner. So really the co cheater is just another tool or Appliance.
The ow is portrayed as glamorous, sexier, better, etc. by society and when the chump buys into this crap, the cheaters have you where they want you. So many chumps feel inferior to these sluts, when they are not. I fell into that trap myself and Ex was all too happy to take advantage and use that against me.
It was only after I confronted this skag that I saw it all for the hoax it was. She was just a vapid moral less whore getting her ego stroked by a pathetic middle aged loser. Just like herself. She was so hostile to me you would think I was whoring around with her husband. Educate yourself about these sluts, and see them for the bottom feeders they are. That takes back your power.
ONLY thing the whoremat has that I don’t is she is willing to have sex w/ STBX anytime all the time. I’m sorry. I need emotional connection to be into it. If STBX is ignoring me then no. I’m not suddenly hot for him. Maybe I’m an evil manipulating withholder but I can’t be ignored for porn or Facebook then just get on my knees or open my legs or do a sexy dance because you want me to want you. I want you. I do. But I need a LITTLE bit more than your expectation of me being like a Little Caesar’s fucking pizza Hot n’ Ready. *sad trombone* I’m not a pornstar. Just a human. That wanted love and respect. And got chumped instead. ?
I get the sadz sometimes — when I’m waiting in line at the grocery store and I read the headlines in the tabloids. Or, when I watch the news and see some new atrocity being committed somewhere in the world — often far too close to where I live for comfort. Or, when I watch an entertainment show to find out about new movies coming out, and all I get are stupid details about stupid things so called celebrities do to each other or say about each other when they Tweet, or get on Instagram or Facebook or whatever. Or when I consider how politicians spend their time and the peoples money. Seriously — this crap is EVERYWHERE!!!
I gave up trying to understand why these human impersonators do anything — they obviously have no morals, no character, no discipline, no logic, no redeeming characteristics at all in fact. Often they do not seem to have any clothes — or they refuse to wear them at appropriate times (like whenever they aren’t in the shower/bath) like a normal human would.
The point is the world is full of disappointing people that you cannot do anything about. Try to develop an imaginary shield to block their mutant bat shit crazy from spinning off and hitting you. Avoid them if possible. They have Virtual Leprosy. Pretend you have on a Virtual Hazmat Suit.
Women who will act like this OW is acting deserve everything bad that will inevitably happen to them eventually. Just believe that anyone who gives out that much negative energy is attracting a whole boatload of retribution from karma. You may not see it, but it will happen. Hopefully your moron of a spouse will be standing right beside OW when the karma bus runs over her, so that he can reap the retribution as well.
In the meantime — stop worrying about what you cannot control, and start focusing on what you can control– your actions. Stop dreaming about a marriage you do not have, and probably never had. Wake up and get moving — you have a lot to do to start your new life. One without your loser spouse and his demented OW. I promise, after you get away from their toxic spew, you will start to recover and feel much better about yourself and your prospects. You get the chance to create a whole new future for yourself. It will be different from what you have imagined, but you won’t have to put up with these depressed and depressing dipshits any more. That alone should make you VERY happy!
Annabelle,
Your best chance of saving this marriage–and I say this because it seems like you want to (though I don’t think you should) and this is what helped me to take action (when I still wanted to desperately save my marriage)–is to go on the down low, see a lawyer, file for divorce and go no-contact. Right now, your H has no motivation to do anything as he is still getting the best of both worlds. Only when he actually experiences real-life consequences to his actions will he be motivated to do anything.
Step out of the triangle and watch his relationship with OW fall apart (I would like to see this, too). Going no-contact is very important–it will be very hard at first, like weaning yourself from a drug–but will help you to see how horribly he is treating you and then you may realize that you don’t even want him back. It was only after I filed for divorce that my XH begged for reconciliation. And if I can go no-contact, you can, too. I have two young children–one in preschool now and one in elementary school–and I’ve been pretty much NC with him for almost 3 years (our divorce was only final a few months ago). 99% of communication is done by email (I’ve moved him away from texts, and it’s easier to keep emails as records), and we simply don’t say anything to each other at drop-off or pick-up.
Best of luck to you.
You don’t want to save a marriage with a cheating fuck-wit. Period.
Just what I was thinking. What if you were able to convince the OW to stay away from your husband? YOU’RE STILL MARRIED TO A CHEATER. His sense of entitlement and lack of respect for you isn’t going to evaporate just because OW is out of the picture.
I’m divorced, NC and don’t want him back, but I do want that relationship to break up. They’ve been together almost 3 years (that I know of anyway) and still seemingly going strong. 🙁
I agree with Young on the plan. My STBXW gave me indifference for months and then begged for reconciliation only when faced with the realisation I wouldn’t chase her anymore. She then refused to do the work to fix her own issues and tried to exercise her perceived powers in lots of places (to ensure she had the upper hand at all times) and I eventually decided I just didn’t want her as she was a lying, manipulative POS. I also have young kids (youngest is 4, was only 1 when she started her affair) and they have survived us telling them and seem to be very happy with their new life.
NC is the best – I refuse verbal conversations (even when provoked), only communicate by email and if she stonewalls (which is a manipulation tactic) I have my lawyer contact hers to deal with the issue (even really minor stuff). It’s showing her consequences and already I am seeing her behave like less of a dickhead as it costs her 350ph for every letter her lawyer reads from mine, plus a letter to her, plus any further attention. the basic message is – act like a rationale, reasonable person or pay your lawyer to fill your place at the table.
NC means I don’t have to deal with her manipulations and she knows that I am not interacting with her so eventually she’ll just stop. I also feel better as I am out of the emotional washing machine that was life with her.
Reading this makes me so sad. Because I realize now what I sounded like then. A therapist friend would tell me I was codependent and had no boundaries left, and I did not understand what she was talking about. My partner was hurting me but I did not matter. He would ask me to console him because whore had dumped him for another, and I was almost grateful for his trust. OMG it was horrible. I had to imagine our conversation in a Disney movie to see how inappropriate it was, that the princess was… abused.
“He would ask me to console him because whore had dumped him for another”
And he didn’t see anything wrong with that. You were supposed to be there for him, even while he turned a knife in your back. That isn’t just a piss poor excuse for a partner. That was no partner at all.
Direct quotes from my similar experience, after I confronted her about secret fuckbuddy #2:
Her: “I’m feeling really sad about what happened yesterday with N—–.”
Me: “Why is that?”
Her: “Because now I feel like I have nobody.”
Me: “Does that include me?”
Her: “Yes.”
Me: “What about [other guy that she was just “remaining friends with”]?”
Her: “What difference does it make? Sooner or later you’ll take him away from me too.”
I stopped short of calling her ‘fucking pathetic’ because i realized that the truly pathetic one was me, for standing ther and listening to this shit and not saying anything in response.
Wow, UXworld. Just wow. They leave no inanity unsaid, do they?
Right? She checks every box: selfishess, entitlement, self pity, lack of empathy. i will add one: gall!
What Fifi said. Geez, UXworld. I sincerely hope you’re either divorced or in the process of getting divorced. Hugs to you.
Have no fear friends, divorce is in process. Won’t be pretty but I’ve got an awful lot of documentation so hopefully the court will be swayed.
CL’s hadz a sadz is funny and so sad because it’s right on point. I heard that shit a lot! I have to help him get over her. She’s so loving. He misses her. He hurt her by coming home to me. He had to help her get over it. He lied to her like he lied to me. He had to make that right with her. He hadz a sadz! Fuck that shit. He has replaced you already but he still just wants a little cake. This will go on and on and you will waste a lot more than 18 months (I wasted 8 years). See this for what it is- he was/is a willing participant in an affair and he doesn’t really want to stop it. I do think the OW is a total piece of shit. Crappy people fuck people they know are married. So you have two crappy people finding each other- truly kismet. The thing is- you are married to him. He made the vow to you. He is perpetuating the affair. She has already shown you her lack of character, but so has he. Don’t waste anymore time, like I have. In my case, they would break up and he would come home and then years/months later I would find out they were in touch again. Please don’t do that to yourself. You have already seen the ghost of the future. Get out while you can. I am very sorry you are going through this. The most telling thing was that he was always worried about he felt (the sadz) and how she felt (he hurt her!) but he never worried for one second about how he gutted me and his son. What does that tell you?
Annabelle. It hurts to read what you’re going through. I’m sorry. What a callous and sadistic piece of shit this OW must be, to interfere in your marriage and then taunt you in this way. If she had a clue about the severe emotional effects infidelity has on a betrayed spouse, the last thing she would be doing is increasing your anger towards her. Ever poked a hornets nest?
More importantly, the fact that your husband knows she is doing this to you, and still has any interest in her, is just more evidence (as if you needed more) of the lack of value he places on you as a person. He is not feeling your pain, because whatever feelings he has for you are so far down on the list that they don’t register.
When you are where you are, it’s incredibly difficult to embrace the reality of what you know is the only healthy course of action. Your husband’s past infidelity, and his current behavior, have said it all. If you didn’t understand it the first time, just wait, he will show you again. I read somewhere, perhaps on this site, a saying that I have taken to heart. It goes something like, “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I think the idea is to eliminate people you know to be toxic from your life, in order to save yourself from being revictimized by them in the future. Its good advice.
There is pain that is inevitable in ending a long relationship. It takes a huge amount of courage, and no parent fails to think immediately of their children in this situation. I hate what is to come for you and your family, but you and your kids deserve better than this, and you will all be better in the long run. Clearly, your husband is tormenting you no less than the OW. You don’t deserve that. You deserve a man who you can trust, who recognizes that marriage is a privilege, who sees and appreciates what a magnificent person you really are, and who would never allow another person into your relationship – much less stand by in a relationship he supposedly wants to save and watch you be revictimized by the disordered POS with whom he’s betrayed you and your family. I wish you the courage and strength to get through this heartbreaking time.
Annabelle, try this exercise — re-read your letter BUT replace ‘OW’ with say ‘motorcycle’ or ‘bottles of scotch’ or ‘deep fried foods’ or any object.
When you do this you can see that the issue is not about you or the OW.
We all have power to choose.
Consoling your husband for being sad over the loss of his affair partner is insanity. It just shows how little respect and caring he has for you. And I did that so many times, assuring him he would get over it (he didn’t- he finally left me for her). It’s like falling down the rabbit hole- you will look back and regret giving him that, regret begging for your marriage, and regret trusting the very person who gutted you. Please don’t make my mistakes.
“That’s assuming you have any fury. (It’s down there, deep under many codependent chump layers. Please find it and deploy it.)”
Finding and experiencing my anger – this is yet another struggle I’ve been having that I had no clue was a commonality among chumps. I didn’t express anger much at all simply because my ex said she didn’t like it (it gave her a sadz). Twelve years later, I finally opened my eyes to how much my emotional spectrum had atrophied.
I wonder when I’ll stop being surprised by these discoveries!
The song Jolene by Dollie Parton used to annoy the hell out of me and it is now playing in my head. If only I could appeal to the better nature of this woman – tell her how much he means to me – how she can have her pick of men – then she will do the decent thing and leave my man alone.
Meanwhile he cries in his sleep and behaves like a lovesick puppy and would jump her again in an instant without a thought for his marriage….but let’s not blame him as we know he is under her spell, right. Wrong.
If he wants the marriage then he will cut contact with her and do what it takes to restore trust and rebuild a future together. Just think about it – even if this particular woman withdraws her on/off interest in him and he stays with you then just how secure will you ever feel? What happens if another woman is willing to take him on? What sort of marriage can be rebuilt while he pines for her? How disrespectful to you is that? Please remove yourself from this toxic mess with every bit of dignity you can muster.
@Mary King, sadly, even if he wants the marriage, cuts off contact with her, and does what it takes to restore trust and rebuild a future together–chances are that he will cheat again. I have lived it. My husband even got a vasectomy, apologized to my parents, and we moved to another state! And now, 15 years and many affairs later, he says to me in an email, “You knew who i was and what I did, and you stayed with me.” As though I should have known it would happen again! He was the world’s most cunning liar. Get out now so that you don’t lose decades in a lie. The only good thing is that our children grew up in an ostensibly happy, stable, loving home. They turned out well. But I am devastated, in my 50s with a faltering career because I stayed home to raise kids then worked part-time. I have a fucking PhD, and a BA from an ivy league school, but I was not smart. Be smart!
In their little reptilian minds, I think cheaters actually believe that staying with them after discovering an affair is some kind of acquiescence. You find out; they get a do-over. It becomes part of the entitlement menu. How cool is that? They get to keep their faithful, dependable spouse or partner, AND they get to do whatever and whomever whenever they choose. That must be why they don’t seem to understand when their chump has reached his or her limit and pulls the plug.
Annabelle –
First off, it is a great step for you to have found CL and to have written your letter. You know deep down that the situation you have been put in is so fucked up and painful your mind and heart can’t cope.
From one chump to another, it looks like your husband has brilliantly set you up for a masterful pick-me-dance, with a virtuoso performance on the “poor sausage” channel. CL is correct, the OW sucks to an unbelievable level, but your husband will always suck as much as the OW + 100% (he is the one who trampled your heart after promising to cherish you for life).
There is no good outcomes from what was done to you Annabelle. I hope that you have/will read the CL archives, especially the following posts:
Real Remorse or GINR – https://www.chumplady.com/2013/07/real-remorse-or-genuine-imitation-naugahyde-remorse/
Not Entitled to Reconcilitation – https://www.chumplady.com/2014/05/cheaters-youre-not-entitled-to-reconciliation/
Mindfuck comes in 3 stations – https://www.chumplady.com/2014/09/the-mindfuck-channel-only-has-three-stations/
From multiple stories on CN, here are a few next steps for you to think about:
(1) Cheaters hate financial consequences. Your husband has already shown that he does not respect you. I would suggest that you wire 1/2 of all liquid assets to a new account under your name – Half the savings, done. This will probably get your husband from “poor sausage” to “rage” in milliseconds, so please stay safe. Start keeping track of expenses today. If you both work, start putting percentages together to figure out how much of each salaries should go towards household and kid expenses, and then take the rest of your pay and put it into your very own account. This is a way to reassert your presence and the power structure within your family. If you are a SAHM, it is time to look for a full-time job.
(2) Go and interview lawyers, you can use marital funds to do this. If you feel you are not at a point where you want to file for divorce, go with the goal of at least setting up a post-nup that includes redistribution of the current assets, conditions for staying in the marriage, and a huge infidelity clause that will require him to cut off the OW, and give you sizable chunks of the marital assets, as well as good child support, time with the kids and alimony if he persists in his adulterous ways (with current OW or any other).
(3) I am hesitant regarding my last suggestion, given all you’re going through. So please only do this only if you feel really strong or are seeing a therapist by yourself to process all the shit that has dumped in your life by your spouse. Reading the Reddit adultery section was both the most validating and traumatizing of experiences for me. By understanding how adulterers cheer each other on and devalue their current spouse, I got validation for leaving my cheater, but also got traumatized by seeing how many screwed up people there are in the world.
You have taken a first step by writing to CL Annabelle, infidelity recovery is a long and very difficult journey no one wants to have to go through. You have been pulled into this situation by your husband, and you do not have any good choices to change this situation. Whether you choose to live or stay, it is only going to be tough choices that will involve loss, and a whole lot of horrendous pain for the next few years.
I hope you will take CL and CN’s advice to hear and find the strength to walk away from your cheating husband, or at the very least, that you will take steps to protect yourself and your kids by setting up a different financial structure for your family in this life-altering and horribly painful time in your life.
One thing I have learned on CL is that you must separate your finances. Take his name off your credit card. Also take your name off his, but first buy yourself something nice. I dont normally shop there, but I understand Saks has a nice selection of shoes. Im sure you could use a few pairs. And handbags. Dont you feel guilty. Dont you think he spends money on HER? Shes not some innocent girl who fell in love. Shes a whore. And whores dont put out for free. If your cheater complains, tell him that his choices forced you to start a new life, and a new life requires new things. I wonder why the whore shows up once a month or so. Like your period. Wonder what she does the other three weeks. She probably has other stupid men rotating in her orbit. So, your cheater is dipping his wick into a murky pool of mystery dna. Gross. Time to get a health check up, just in case. Keep coming here. We are here for you!
And check this out while you’re contemplating those new shoes: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LMOKlXfXn50
Fifi- lol! That’s exactly what I did just before the marital assets were split. Too bad, so sad, too late, sucker!
Love Saks as well as Neiman Marcus, not that I frequent either of them but buying a few items would be heavenly
Real men PROTECT their families. He sucks.
Ugh. This topic reminds me of multiple sad years (9) while XH went back and forth, telling me one thing and her (and the numerous other OW) another thing. These cheaters love having everyone doing the pick-me dance and never having to give anything of themselves. Annabelle, I’ve walked in your shoes and I know exactly how you feel. Denial kept me going. My mood setting was Anguish for too long. My life was hell. I felt bipolar with my feelings; multipolar to be exact. It eventually wore me out and I decided to sit out the pick-me dance for my own health. I finally realized that he didn’t love me and had never loved me. That made it easier to walk away. Then I picked up my paces and RAN for my life! Just ask yourself if someone who loved you would treat you like this. Forget that you love him. Someone who loved you would not keep the OW and force you to compete for his love.
Meg, me too. That’s exactly what I did, right down to finally having had enough. My default setting was anguish. Now it’s sadness but peaceful sadness.
Meg – Your quote: “These cheaters love having everyone doing the pick-me dance and never having to give anything of themselves.” Yes, these cheaters love having 2+ women fighting for their attention. They create a harem and want to keep wife + OW + whoever else in their circle. No thanks. I choose not to be in the harem and won’t keep it going, or participate in it in any way, shape or form. They’re not that special, nor does the sun shine through their butt. If they want a harem, they can move to the Middle East and get a camel. 🙂
CL is right on every point. Could not say it better. But can add to it just a small bit. Even if OW got hit by a bus and exited earth this very moment, it does nothing to change that fact that your husband is who he is and did what he did and does what he does. That world, friends, family that you do not want to breakup? They will still be yours upon his departure surely some changes and modifications to it but they have nothing to do with you two. And, I promise you, you will never trust your husband again nor can you trust his thoughts nor can you change he has built a world of sex and lust and kibbles with another woman forever a part of who he is now, forever in his heart, memory and deep seated in his soul for which you can no longer connect with.
Beautifully said.
Well said, JackiesDone.
” he has built a world of sex and lust and kibbles with another woman forever a part of who he is now, forever in his heart, memory and deep seated in his soul”
I remember saying to exH that I didn’t know if I could get over him having a relationship, making memories with someone else – most doing things and going places we’d done and gone to – in the middle (or was it end) of our relationship.
It wouldn’t change the past but the future might still be a little bit brighter. ??? STBX had the sadz yesterday because whoremat was playing around with him and it hurted hims widdle feewings. Not sure why I was supposed to care but I had things to do and left laughing to myself. STBX hasn’t even moved out yet and the perfect relationship of twu wuv is already having issues! ???
My husband ended up giving up me, his sons, all of our mutual friends we had for decades. Because she was ‘so wonderful’. So now they have their only little world. The point is that he severed all connections and is mad at everyone for supporting me and my son. So, in the end, what did the connections mean? Nothing when you are a selfish prick and care only about yourself. That life you built together- we all did that- in the end, it does not hold the marriage together because one partner already had a foot out the door. And cheating is a foot out the door.
My ex left me 16 months ago for the much younger OW with young kids. They now live together ( like moved in a hot second after he asked me for a divorce….whatever). Pick me dance went on for like 6 mo….. Not proud of it. Once I found Chumplady, pit bull atty was hired, MSA is signed, I got a great settlement……but the best part is i got rid of him. My kids too have NOTHING to do with him. We are all no contact. I speak to him occasionally if there is business to end the marriage stuff.
His story is that he’s soooooo happy, leaving me was the best thing he’s ever done…..whatever $ I got was worth his sanity……she’s sooooo amazing……blah, blah, gag…..
Even though it’s been 16mo, I believe he’s just now getting a taste of no contact and he’s realizing that the life he wanted is no fun now that it’s just the two of them carpooling kids. Keeps finding “business” to contact me about and tries to bait me into talking about how to heal the kids. They are 19 and 25……and don’t want any of your “healing”.
Want to hurt a narcissist? Make them irrelevant. Want to heal yourself? Make them irrelevant.
I’m the most meh I’ve ever been……this feels amazing. Clarity is a beautiful thing.
“Want to hurt a narcissist? Make them irrelevant. Want to heal yourself? Make them irrelevant.”
This is the absolute truth. I’m at the point now that I don’t even hate my X, I just don’t care. That’s meh. I don’t wish him bad or good or anything. And when I read stuff like today’s post, I would love to somehow impress upon her how much better it is to just fold and walk away. I’m not eating my insides trying to get my X to love me. No stress, no bullshit, no problems.
Nobody is that fucking important.
Paintwidow, your ex doth protest too much, methinks. It’s himself he’s trying to convince. Meh does feel pretty damned good! Rumblekitty, congratulations on reaching Meh. I’ve just landed on its shores after 18 months, haven’t built my dream shanty there yet, but working on the plans. It feels great.
Eh Rumblekitty, Kenny Rogers echoes your words of wisdom:
“Know when to hold ’em
Know when to fold ’em
Know when to walk away
Know when to RUN!”
Relationships are a gamble. But Chumps have experience that gives the house advantage!
I made the massive and deluded mistake od asking the OW to back off. It’s my number one regret. What I should have done is serve my husband with divorce papers.
Find your anger. If you can not find it, Fake it until you become it.
Focus that energy on the following:
Get all of your financial records, have copies or originals of them at work or a trusted friends house.
He sleeps on the couch until you have a lawyer hired and ready to go. (Tell him its a time out, make a dunce/cheater/douche bag hat for him)
With lawyer ready to go, pack him a bag, put it outside the door, tell him to go to the OWs/Parents/Enabling Friends house, and that legally you are seeking a divorce.
If he turns on the charm/sympathy or anger, ignore him it is all lies and manipulation.
The only things you worry about is you and your children.
When the divorce is done, then you can focus on healing, finding your new cheater free life.
For now, stay angry my friend.
Here’s a meme for LaughingSquirrel’s comment. First time doing this, fingers crossed.
Awesome meme Fifi1776, and on the dancing side of things…
Good ones Fifi and Chumptitude, gave me a hardy laugh!
I agree, ‘ hardily”!! (we’ll see if spellcheck accepts that!)
Hahaha, Chumptitude! Revenge of the Pick-Me Dance!
I had to block my ex-boyfriend (not a cheater but an emotional abuser) about a week ago. Blocked him on Facebook, G-Mail, and Google+. Went online into my Comcast account and blocked him from calling my landline. Blocked him from calling my cell phone, blocked him from texting me. Went to my blog and used his IP and e-mail address to ban him from commenting.
My blocking must have been really effective, because a few hours later, he tweeted me. I didn’t even know he had a Twitter account. Blocked him there, too. (What’s next? LinkedIn? Goodreads? I’ll block his ass there, too.)
Haven’t heard from him since. My week has been peaceful and drama-free, and it was easy.
Which is all to say: Annabelle, if your husband wanted this moonbat out of his life, she would be out of his life. He could cut off all contact in a heartbeat. He hasn’t because he doesn’t want to.
Please think really hard about what that means. Sending you ((hugs)).
Rarity, blocking is awesome…I’ve blocked ex, his entire family and Swiss ex-friends.
Here’s my funny story about blocking. During wreckconciliation, I asked ex in front of our therapist to block the OWs he had on FB, Linkedin, etc. He responded that he didn’t know how to block someone and he didn’t want to do it because it would hurt their feelings. Ha! He certainly showed right then that he wasn’t interested in my feelings or our relationship.
These cheaters are SOOOO considerate, aren’t they? They don’t want to hurt the other woman’s feelings. Yeah, I heard and swallowed that crap too.
POP had planned a date with a woman a week before he and I met. The woman had a rather bad car wreck and had to postpone their date. A week later, POP and I met and started our relationship. I was love bombed by a lifelong practitioner and soon I invited him to move in with me.
Two days before his stuff was to be moved into my home, he told me he had a business meeting for the early evening. I really didn’t know him yet, so it seemed normal to me.
In actuality, the woman had contacted him and told him she was healed from her wreck and they could finally meet.
He left my laptop open to an email between discussing their liasson the night before. When I asked him to explain the email, his reply was he didn’t want to hurt her feelings by turning down her overture since he ‘owed’ her the date.
Fuck me if I didn’t let the dumb bastard still move in.
Ha. Reminds me of something my then-husband did. I told him I wanted to speak with the OWhore’s pastor; I didn’t know for sure what church she went to, so I needed him to tell me. He insisted he had to get OWhore’s permission before he could tell me, and she insisted she had already disclosed the affair to her pastor, so there was no need for me to speak with him.
I was like, why the hell do you have to get her permission for me to speak with her pastor, but you didn’t have to get my permission to whore around with her?!
“Which is all to say: Annabelle, if your husband wanted this moonbat out of his life, she would be out of his life. He could cut off all contact in a heartbeat. He hasn’t because he doesn’t want to.”
True as that is, it is the hardest thing to really accept. But it is so painfully true! He is the one who invited the OW into your marriage, and he keeps here there. It gives him power and control.
The final nail in the coffin of my X’s tepid naugahyde attempts to reconcile, was when he refused to tell me grad-whore’s name because she had “privacy” rights as a student, and he would have to get her permission to tell me her name. LOL! I had already filed, and at the moment of the “privacy” argument, handed him the petition to sign & submit to the court. Bye Felicia!
I blocked my ex on Facebook and my cell phone a long time ago. He emailed me some harassment recently, so I looked into it and discovered I could block him there as well. Done. He then sent me SNAIL MAIL craziness, and not long after that, called me on someone else’s phone so the call would go through. These nuts sometimes just won’t give up.
LOL, around a year ago, I saw that my ex had checked out my profile on LinkedIn. Didn’t send me a message, thank God, although perhaps that’s next.
Yeah, the old excuse, “I don’t know how to block the OW.” Really? My Ex has been working with computers since DOS was “hot” and we all thought 256k was “all we’d ever need!” It took me two seconds to google how to block ALL your computer accounts in one or two minutes without changing any accounts (the other excuse he used!) It’s referred to as going “nuclear” and you can even send out a fake message that tells the OW/OM that the email no longer exists. Unless they are computer technicians, they will assume their lover changed his email accounts and all social media! Don’t buy that garbage from your cheater! It’s total BS!
Roberta – your X reminds me of the shoemaker who couldn’t fix his own kids shoes. He was a computer tech and claimed he didn’t know how to block? Well, I’ve heard it all now. I was the techy in my house. I did DOS, Linex, you name it. Taught the X how to use all his computers for work, including Bloomberg.
Set him up in many locations remotely so he could get access to work. For the life of me, I couldn’t figure out how he was NOT sending texts to his g/f – which he started the affair after he got the cell phone I gave him and showed him how to use.
He was one that always erased every email as soon as it came in. He had no history in his browser – even deleted history. If anybody could have found him cheating with tech, it was me. So, I didn’t have that as proof, when it was obvious that he super-glued his phone to his ear. I just KNEW! And, of course, he kept the affair entirely through his office phone so there was no track of it online – 3 yrs of this! Well, I didn’t find out until it was 2-1/2 yrs in.
Finally outsmarted him. He took my new iPad on a trip – he loved that thing – and I showed him what to do if he lost it since I now had the app, Find-my-iPad. I set him up, gave him a password. What a fool. He didn’t know how to turn off the function – probably never thought about it. (she is as stupid as bag of marbles so I know she wouldn’t have known either) And, I rather unhappily and ragey, watched him lie over and over about business trips and he was always at his horsefaces’ place. I mean, the guy is a financial wizard with a photographic memory, and he doesn’t remember when I told him our good friend found out her husband was cheating via Find My iPad app. Guess his head was in the ‘fog’. I later told him everything I knew he was doing and where he was at. He accused me of working for the government = HSD or CIA – lol.
Annabelle, please, please, please, put yourself ahead of these losers. Do you really want to repair a marriage alone? You are choosing to believe what you want to believe to stay married. At what cost? Be married to a man who is completely capable of having a long-term affair and is too “helpless” to break it off? He’s not helpless – he is choosing to continue the affair. I bet Mr. Sadz there is functioning quite well in other aspects of his life. His job, his social life, being a dad, etc. Where he fails miserably is being a devoted and faithful husband. Let him go. Create a new life for yourself. If he really wants you back, let him earn you back. I have a feeling that’s too much work for the fuckwit.
Annabelle, I am sorry for you pain and suffering. We know the caught-in-a-bear-trap experience.
1. You must face the awful truth. You are in a fog. Write out, on paper, every thoughtless, mean, non-supportive, deceitful experience. Every one. Keep adding to it. And read it. You’ll discover that he is disordered.
2. Assure the safety of you and your kids, as he may try to ‘anger-you’ back into line.
3. Skip the news. Listen to CN!
4. Act NOW.
5. NO CONTACT with him and her.
6. Secure your finances.
7. Get support.
8. Get a therapist. If you don’t like the one you find, find another.
9. Get medication, if needed. It’s temporary and can be essential to recovery.
10. Get a seriously good lawyer.
11. Care for yourself the way you would a very dear friend in severe distress.
12. Keep reading your list and CL/CN.
We are here for you. You WILL be fine, but there are some things that need to happen first. All the very best to you and your kids.
@Virago–
If I may suggest:
13. Go back to #1 any time you begin to waiver. Read and re-read every shitty, deceitful, non supporting thing he ever did. THAT will keep you strong.
About a month or so ago (?), Chump Lady asked us for the 3 douchest things our cheaters did. That was quite the list. It inspired me to keep a running list in my journal. I’m up to 38. I’ve never waivered but I add to it occasionally. Those times when it’s quiet and peaceful in the house and you suddenly remember that one more thing. The list helps. It reinforces that they suck.
One of my entries was STD testing. Remembering the embarrassment of having to ask for the full menu of tests. I asked the doctor what happens if it’s positive, does she call Fucktard? She said that’s up to me. The health department will call him and tell him a person he was intimate with tested positive for…..but they legally can’t say who the person is. My mood lightened. I told her that if I was positive for anything I’d be damned if I’d tell him. In fact, if he asked I would lie and tell him I had no idea what he was talking about. Let him try and figure out which skank gave him an STD. The tests were negative but the mental image of him trying to figure it out was very helpful.
Ugh I have to add the STD testing to my list to. Even more humiliating was that I was 4 months pregnant with his baby at the time
Hesatthecurb, you may so suggest. And what a good one! Thx.
here’s a boundary for you – either he files a restraining order or you file for divorce. Either he puts up or shuts up but you’ll see for sure which way he wants to go.
Annabelle,
Your husband must imagine himself a sort of Edgar Allen Poe. You are going to end up like Annabelle Lee.
Lol. That putz couldnt write a love poem like that about a woman. You have to understand LOVE for that. If he wrote a poem it would be an ode to cake…My beloved Cakeabel lee
Sister to Sara Lee.
Annabelle,
I certainly get the vibe from your letter that this woman is more interested in the power to cause pain and take control than she is in your husband as a person. I suspect that should she actually get him she wouldn’t really want him. If this is true than every time you engage with her, directly or indirectly, she gets a hit of that power/control drug. Please don’t give any of your power to her. I am with CL and these lovely folks, concentrate on yourself, your needs and your protection. Practice self care (I know, easier said than done).
I lurk here everyday for my hit of the truth/you-are-mighty drug.
Stay strong and take care.
*then not than
Having married and left two cheaters, I can tell you they just don’t have the capacity to care about anything but themselves and what they want RIGHT NOW. That’s it. The only person that counts in their world is them. Everyone else is just useful. Once anyone ceases to be of use, or refuses to be of use, or the cheater thinks they can replace the chump with a better deal chump…they are gone baby gone.
The hard part for chumps is that they not only screw us over emotionally, they take pleasure in screwing us over in as many ways possible, even if they cause themselves damage in the process. So many chumps have lost everything to malignant cheaters. When they can no longer con us they will do their best to destroy us, and our children right along with us. That is why you are being exhorted to separate out finances, make copies of all the important papers, and see a lawyer or two. I would also add get any family heirlooms or personal things that you are attached to out of the house and stored in a safe place.
Their game plan has nothing to do with love, it’s all about control. Control over you, and how much torture they can inflict on you before you say ENOUGH! It will go on as long as you let it.
A cheater is not your friend. They are evil to core. Trust that he sucks, because ….he does.
TRUTH.
Annabelle: The OW that got involved with my CheaterP was very aggressive and very manipulative… She used the Dumbsel in Distress approach and was adept at fishing and ‘chance’ encounters and ‘looking winsome’. At one point I said to CheaterP that it appeared that he enjoyed being ‘fought over’ and there was a flash of a recognition in his reptilian brain…it struck a chord, but not one that he REALLY wanted to admit to. The OW was monsterous, she quadranqulated, bringing her cuckold husband in to reason with my husband about my unreasonableness…I was transported into a very poorly written telanovela with plot twists that seemed totally unbelievable… In the end though, the best policy with any aggressive OW is to not engage with them…Unless she has threatened bodily harm, I’m not sure that a Restraining Order is a good Idea, because it gives miss OW the idea that she has some kind of power…My life was so much more peaceful when I stopped engaging with Schmoopie. Get Angry, stop trying to ‘see it’ from your poor sausages side.
During our brief MC episode Saddam actually said to the MC “do you have any idea how amazing it is to have two women want you?” He was smiling at her and me. Asshole.
Oh, you don’t want to know what I’d do to that shit-eating grin of his. Well, maybe you would, but he wouldn’t. 😀
I completely agree with the ridiculousness of the situations being like the worst drama TV BS EVER! And it makes me MAD! I love you. No her. No you. No both. No you. No her! He actually said “I wish I could stay here and see her to make sure that’s not something real” I yelled “WHAT KIND OF PERSON WOULD LET THAT HAPPEN?! Or be OKAY with their HUSBAND dating a whore?!” At least he had the presence of mind to try to look sheepish. I can tell you THAT is NOT real! You fucktard! It is a fantasy. No real human being over the age of 15 says “I love you!” After texting for five months BEFORE you’ve ever even had sex! Are you kidding me?! And now they might move in together. Because THAT sounds like the recipe for a long lasting relationship. Not my circus! Not my circus! Not my circus! OMG I hate them both right now! Why did this have to happen?! Grrrr! I’m ANGRY!
Annabelle,
“WE want to repair our marriage”
No, YOU want to repair your marriage. If your husband truly wanted to repair your marriage he would be DOING something to make that happen. Like never talking to schmoopie again.
I’m so sorry you are living this lie. When I finally stopped trying to fix my marriage (i.e. make him end his affair, make his stop talking to schmoopie), is when I finally started seeing reality.
So STOP!. Let go!
It’s like you’re on a merry-go-round and everything in your life/marriage is a chaotic blur. If you open your hands and let go then you will be thrown to the ground. And it will hurt terribly. But at least you will be off the merry-go-round and will finally be able to see things clearly.
Annabelle, the OW is not taunting you. Your husband is letting her taunt you. What happened to defending your wife, protecting her, honoring her and cherishing her. He’s not doing any of that, instead is porking another woman. If the OW died, rest assured your husband would find someone else shortly after. He’s not your husband anymore, he’s the enemy. Please see this.
Hi Annabelle. Since you are trying to save your marriage while your husband tries to stay married and act single I suspect you are seeing a Marriage Counselor (MC). I will bet my paycheck the MC has told you that your husband has feelings for the OW and that you need to be patient because it’s so hard for him to let her go… The MC may even have asked you to let your husband maintain text or email contact with the OW so he can minimize the pain he feels as he separates from her…Or maybe you are on a RIC forum where people are telling you to do this. Either way, STOP IT.
This happened to me, for a few weeks I bought the koolaid the MC was selling. Shortly afterward, no doubt capitalizing on the clueless MC advice; he was crying to me about how he couldn’t stand to hurt the OW and I actually sympathized with him. Then I realized the only pain he was concerned with was his own, it hurt HIM to give up the OW, it hurt HIM that I wouldn’t let him be “friends” with her. It HURT HIM because he wanted both of us. He could give a shit if he hurt me. He had no problem hurting me OR the OW, trust they suck, NOBODY is special to a cheater except themselves. I highly recommend recording conversations with your cheating spouse. You’d be surprised how often we hear something completely different than what the cheater is actually saying. Like this nugget “I’m so sorry this happened, I didn’t mean to, it hurts me so bad”. If I hadn’t listened to the whole conversation again I would still think he was sorry he hurt me. NOPE, he never once talked about my pain, nothing, he just wanted to be center stage with me telling him it was OK. It is NOT OK.
YOU are not responsible for getting the OW out of your lives, that’s up to your husband. All he has to do is block her on all media and walk away if she shows up in person. He won’t though, you’ve already taught him you will stay no matter what he does. The only way to fix that is to truly separate and file for divorce. He’s been testing you. BTW, even if the OW goes away, he’ll find another one, it was never about this one woman. Jedi Hugs!
Dat is spot-on here. Wise words as usual and learned from the school of the hardest knocks.
Dat, I agree–either Annabelle is in MC with a twit counselor or she is reading RIC advice about “saving” the marriage.
Listen to all these folks. It is soooo true. Mine was 25 years, only to find out he’d been cheating for 21 years- since I was preggers with baby #1- cause we weren’t having enough sex (excuse 1). But they were only “indescretions”. (i.e. I had my dick in 5 different women’ mouths, not their vaginas, so it wasn’t cheating..excuse 2). Then comes Adult Friend Finder whore and he “needed this to be able to deal with me…as I was too emotional”….excuse 3.
Fast forward, got the polyamory bullshit, made nice with his whore, tried to kill myself twice( he discussed it with her and they decided I was being “dramatic” and wouldn’t go thru with it), had him move her in when her 2nd married man lover was stalking her, marriage counseling where he totally snowballed the therapist, being told over and over again: 1. I was the damaged one in the relationship 2. I wasn’t thinking about the situation correctly 3. He couldn’t deal with how “emotional” I was and that it was just because I was “jealous and would have to “get over it” 4. That I wasn’t “evolved” enough to understand that he could “love” two women.
Yep, I pick me danced like mad, all to “prove” how much I loved him. To not break up our kids home. Because I was so conditioned to make my needs soooo small…. I disappeared…like Alice drinking the shrinking juice. 2 years of that fucking shit.
Guess what? He told me on a Tuesday (lol) that he was moving out on Saturday and turning off the utilities. Since I wouldn’t move out and leave him the house and the kids. Hadn’t been allowed to handle any of the finances the entire marriage, just started a new job and had no 401 left (used it to support him thru the latest job loss). Yeah, he really “loved” me.
My long winded point, I may be working 2 jobs to keep the kids and myself squeaking by….but so much calmer and at peace without him! I was mighty all along, it was just that my contributions to our family were so minimized that I felt powerless and without worth. Fuck that! You can survive this and you will! Be strong!
Question to the CN….when living pay check to paycheck, how do you afford to divorce their sorry ass?
Barbara: Head to the forums (Private: General is best; click Forums in top right & get an account). Let people know whether you are in a community property state, whether your state has at-fault divorces, etc. You can do a lot of the leg work yourself to reduce attorney fees, with some of the hard-fought wisdom of CN. And don’t wait; cheaters have been known to drain bank accounts, alter beneficiaries, etc. quickly (once a divorce is filed, that becomes illegal).
The reality is that both the OW and her husband are morally corrupt cowards that think the world revolves around their “needs.” Obviously, I personally think he can change his fundamental character depravities if HE wants to, if HE decides to do so. So could she, but she is not the concern here. I would not be reconciling if I did not believe that. The OW will likely NEVER make that choice and her life going forward will show that. Unfortunately, It does not sound like your husband has made that choice either. And, I think it is a huge misunderstanding of compassion to feel bad for him because he had contact with her again and it is just so tough – sorry, boo hoo!
Just because you love him, does NOT mean he is safe for you. If you are choosing to reconcile, you must first be given measures of safety. And, even then it is not an easy path. No path is easy, but even if he does everything possible to make you safe, he cannot take away the pain he has caused you. Though he can certainly make it worse. What compassion is he showing you? What measures of safety has he given you? What work is he doing to address his core fundamental deficits as a human being?
Annabelle, all the advice given to you today is great and you should really consider retaining an attorney and end the marriage. The OW is a classic borderline and borderline women attract extremely weak men and or narcissists that eat up the drama, hot sex and chaos. Maybe your husband has been cheating all along, maybe not, but he is now hooked on the borderline chaos and even if OW goes away he’ll always be looking for her replacement.
I tried to reconcile my marriage of 25 years after I found out about my wife’s affair. I did a major pick-me-dance, changed all the things about me she said were issues for her, went to MC and individual therapy. My therapist said in order for reconciliation to work, my wife would have to completely sever the relationship with the OW and be completely transparent with me.
My wife HATED the idea of severing and being transparent. She told me the OW makes her feel good and asked why I wanted to take that away from her. I bought into her BS and put up with them being “friends” until I opened my eyes and realized it was all an illusion.
I finally filed for divorce and my wife immediately moved in with the OW. They are still together 3 years later and our divorce is still dragging on (she has now become a gold digger).
Get out while you can. They will not change because they don’t want to change. You can only save yourself.
I doubt the OW “disappears” for several weeks before “popping up again.” My guess is the husband never actually stops contacting her. He’s playing the OW and Annabelle off each other, promising Annabelle the potential for “reconciliation,” while undoubtedly telling the OW something along the lines of, “Oh, I really want to be with you, but the timing isn’t right,” or, “I am trying to get divorced but Annabelle swore she’d take everything I’ve got,” or some similar bullshit to string along the OW while blaming Annabelle for the delay.
Regardless, the husband here is not really interested in reconciliation. Hopefully, Annabelle will give up on this farce of a marriage, move on, and leave the ex to the OW, who quite frankly, sounds like she has bunny-boiling potential.
When I finally spoke to the OW after I had filed for divorce the third time…she told me he had blamed every delay on me. I was fighting the divorce, I was keeping them apart, bad old me. I set that straight, but OW had already found out she was getting cheated on and she was done! I should have dropped him like she did! Oh yeah, married 30+ years with kids made it a little harder to drop.
Trust what CL is telling you Annabelle…satan did the exact same things your cheater is doing…right down to crying snotty tears…RUN ANNABELLE! There is an awesome authentic life waiting out there for you!!! I know it’s true cause I divorced a cheater after 36 abusive years and gained an awesome life!!!!
Let go or be dragged.
Love it!
Annabelle – the fact that you even have to deal with an OW should be signal enough that you deserve better than your husband. It really is that simple. Horrifically painful, yes. Fetal position painful, yes. Finite painful, yes.
I’m 18 months since Mr. Sparkles left for #4. I recently exchanged an email with her regarding his Adult Friend Finder ad for women/couples/groups that has been posted throughout their whole relationship. I tried to give her insight (that this wasn’t his first or last time doing this stuff.) She doesn’t want to hear it. She told me to stop protruding my insecurities on to her relationship with Mr. Sparkles.
You know what I said back – NOTHING.
These fuckwits deserve each other and their never-ending happiness fog.
You and your children, my dear, deserve so much better. BUT YOU MUST BE THE CHAMPION FOR IT. Stop investing in them and start investing in you.
It’s scary, no doubt. But you can get used to sleeping diagonal across the queen size bed… and even come to like it!
Annabelle,
I am so sorry. I have been where you are. You can’t see the asshole standing in front of you because you’re totally focused on the asshole standing behind him. You’re dealing with TWO assholes, but you happen to be married to only one of them. Stop focusing on the co-conspirator and focus on the perpetrator – your husband. Your husband isn’t a victim of the OW – he is her willing partner and co-conspirator. He doesn’t protect you from her because he doesn’t care about your feelings. Been there, done that, collected the trophy and went to the state competition for that one. You cannot make someone care about you who has decided that they don’t. If you stay with him, you will be breaking your own heart.
Your letter made me so sad. Please leave him Annabelle. What you’re living is only going to get worse. You are letting him know that him not respecting you, not caring about your feelings and not protecting you is okay with you. You’re letting him know that he’s more important to you than you are to you. We teach people how to treat us by what we are willing to tolerate. I thought I could not live without my EX. I took way too much disgusting crap from him and the more crap I took, the more crap he gave. Not only could I live without him but I have discovered that his absence is a blessing no longer in disguise. He’s still an asshole and I’m away from the assholery. An asshole-free life is one of the best things you can have. You don’t even know how much better your life can be until you remove the asshole standing in the way of what you actually deserve.
Chump Princess, asshole-free life is the only way to live. Doesn’t it feel amazing to be rid of the losers? Looking back, I have no idea why the hell I thought the cheater ex was worth fighting for. Definitely insanity.
OMG Yes! I still get pangs of what I thought my life was going to be with him, but then I realize that my life with him was never going to be like I envisioned because he simply was not that guy.
Annabelle
I never imagined after all the cheating and lying he simply loved the thrill of he chase. I finally dumped the thrill chaser after 41 years. You are tollerating abuse as he flaunts a beautiful woman whi is in fact just as disturbed as him. She is toying with you because it makes it more exciting for both of them.
The TRUTH I found out was that he couldn’t find anyone intelligent or attractive in his thrill seeking. He ended up with a woman equally deprived in every aspect of life. In the end the dusirdered find one another.
Give the fucker consequences. Divorce him and know you deserve better. He ended up with a disordered bar whore who cintinues to taunt me. I am classy and she the dog shit he can’t wipe off his shoe. She ran me off the road two months ago. Jealous rage because in reality she can never be me.
CL, this one had me in stitches “Land-a-HO”? ha ha ha Thanks for the laugh and the great UBT/advice. You are right on point.
Young and gorgeous she sounds used and desperate, otherwise the men closer to her age would be all over her. More than likely she is some chick with a vaginal orifice the size of Bat Cave. Kick hubby to the curb as he doesn’t mind playing in some other man’s seed. They are too gross. Once you remove yourself from the situation, the lust for super skank with Daddy issues will disappear.. Seriously what hot 30 something chooses chooses old grey sweaty saggy daddy balls…
Not attacking older guys now….but at 30 no way!
LMAO! “saggy daddy balls!!”
OMG I’ll need a lobotomy to get that image out of my head, Renewed!
No, Renewed, you need not appologize “Not attacking older guys now….but at 30 no way!” My trophy X who is 65 went for a 25 yr old girl-child. I guess she wadded through that limp dick and saggy daddy balls looking for the bank book!
So lets say that Annabelle or some other Chumpy lurker got through the 188 comments above here still hoping their sitch was different, that their husband would return and reconcile….well that was me. I could read things like this and respond “Yes, BUT….”
and I never did divorce him and we lived together for 5.5 years after the 18 months he lived away…
and somewhere in his live away time I might have penned a letter just like this
and you know what I got? a shitty husband who was capable of doing this to me in the first place, a blamer, a malcontent, a cheater, and a mean asshole.
Im now incredulous that I couldn’t see that he was a terrible husband much more time than I was willing to admit to myself.
In reality everyone here is right, he is CHOOSING this and even if you “won” and he returned tomorrow, you wouldn’t have won anyone worth having…
and I get the kids thing and I get the 20 yr thing (BTDT) but you need to get the “he sucks” thing
He really truly, seriously, no kidding, honestly, completely, totally SUCKS !!!
Annabelle,
I am in your situation as I type this except I never contacted the OW. My husband tells me she is the one contacting him but I know better than to believe that. Part of me is having a hard time accepting that my husband could be so disrespectful, selfish and uncaring regarding my feelings. I have come to accept that my husband doesn’t care that he is hurting me. Even though he tells me all the time how sorry he is for putting me through this, his actions show something completely different. After 28 years I have decided today to think about what is best for me. I have contacted an attorney and will be filing for divorce. As this is a very scary move for me, I have come to realize it is my only option. I will never trust him again and he is not even putting in any effort to gain my trust either. I have never given my husband any consequences for his terrible behavior so I have to own that part and realize he is not going to respect me because I don’t respect me. It is time for me to stop lowering my standards to keep him happy (which is apparently not working). We just have to realize we deserve so much more than the BS our cheaters are putting us through. I’m sorry but my marriage is too crowded so I have decided to leave the party. I wish you the best in your situation.
It’s amazing how many people are relating to Annabelle. Some excellent advice but, I think of how she must feel if she is reading this. She probably wasn’t planning that response from C/L or C/N. Not one person here saw her side. Nobody can because we all know she should get out of this relationship. She must be struggling and I just want to say, Annabelle – I hope you are still with us and accept what we say here as just trying to help. I know your expectations were much different than what you heard here today. The truth is tough. But, we have all been through this journey, more or less, with similar circumstances, and that’s why we’re such a strong united group. The Pain SUCKS!
I wish you all the best and hope we can hear your feedback some day.
((((Annabelle))))
I really sympathize with this post because I was feeling the same way about a month ago. I was discussing my situation with my sister and she told me “do not come to me thinking I’m going to tell you what you want to hear because I’m going to tell you what you need to hear and you may not like it.” That day my sister explained how my husband may still be there physically feeding me a few kibbles but he had abandoned me emotionally. That the way he was treating me was emotional abuse and even physical abuse because of possible STD’s. She pointed out the characteristics he display of entitlement and selfishness. It was some hard truth that I did not want to hear and it did not appeal to the advise I was searching for. But it was the Truth. That conversation with my sister encouraged me to really look deeper into my marriage situation beyond OW.
It was nice that you remembered her feelings, that was nice. When everyone told me to dump my thenhusband, I felt isolated when I didnt. Oddly enough, I have a friend who dumped me because I wouldnt leave him and now she is a chump clinging to her marriage…you NEVER know how you will react.
unicorn – I’ll never forget the time the then-hubby caught one of my g/f’s cheating on her husband (3 little kids) and he told the husband. He didn’t have any proof at all. It’s debatable whether he should have done that and I was never comfy being that close to the sitch, and of course, he had no idea how the hothead would react. And, nope – he didn’t react well, kicked the wife and kids out and the X got blamed for it all. Boy, I sure thought he was a stand up guy. (btw, the woman wound up with her cheater and he wound up with many – I guess that marriage wasn’t meant to last – both cheaters).
Many many friend relationships soured after that.
Anyway, I finally was in contact with the wife who cheated on her then-husband and gave her his email so she could write him something nasty. Really! I really encouraged it.
She laughed and didn’t take me up on it. DARN!
Unicorn, you are so right you never know how you will react until you are in that situation. I have taken my husband back 4 times, truly believing he would change each time. I also felt isolated when I did not respond by divorcing him as others encouraged. This time I just discuss my marriage situation with my sister and on this site so right now very few people know that things have not worked out this time around.
Noel, I’m sorry it did not work out. After.4.times. We believe in them too much. Please share if you care to. Your story is important.
I was lucky – I found C/L immediately and got out quick but it’s not been an easy transition, by any means. The emotional trauma probably comes out later, after you’ve quickly made your decision, the affair was a deal breaker and I filed. No time to think of emotions. For me, they came out after we divorced. So, I’m still in some quick-sand but that’s because our house hasn’t sold and we need to do that to cut the umbilical cord. It is torture, believe me. Bad enough living under the same roof for 4 mos while he text4ed away.. Now, we have to email daily about business and I always make a swipe and a snark at him – he ignores me. I get pleasure out of it. 😉
Shechump, I feel pretty luck to have found CL/CN. Otherwise I think I would be learning a whole new dance routine of pick me dance. I just today scheduled a consultation with an divorce attorney for next week. So things are still fresh as far as me realizing I am chump that has been chumped. I will share my full story one day.
Hugs to Noel. You are just starting on this journey. It sounds like you’ve had a LTR with your spouse and you have a story to tell us – we can all learn from it. All in your good time. And, nobody will ever think you’re an idiot here, even though you may feel like one yourself. Wishing you STRENGTH, Noel!
I beat myself up for not throwing his ass out but deep in my heart I hoped for him to return and beg for forgiveness, we would have just cycles through a number of fake reconciliations…as it was I only had one giant fake one. I will never know how long I would have really stayed if he had lived.
Noel, one of the worst things I realized was that the X had his foot out the door for a long time. I was devastated when the reality set in.
I guess my point is, when devastated and 200+ppl tell you you’re an idiot, (I know I would) because it’s the truth. I guess that’s a hell of a lot better than putting up with 3 yrs of trickle truth and umpteen therapy sessions. I went to IC for a year and it was helpful, but ultimately, C/L was much better and healthier for me, and it was free. I believe in the power of groups that have something traumatizing happen in their lives. And, Annabelle is there. Hope we can be here for you to lean on, Sister.
I denied and denied for such a long time, I still feel like an idiot!
Annabelle,
Your husband feels entitled to the passion and romance he is experiencing in his ongoing relationship with OW. When she is not around, you provide a stable presence and companionship. He would ultimately like the best of both worlds – the woman who excites him sexually and the woman who is useful to him as the wife and mother of his children who cooks his meals, does his laundry, makes a home for him and helps the children with homework and transportation to their extracurricular activities. He does not take into account the length of your history or what you have shared with him- his mindset is that she makes him feel a certain way and that you do not and that he is entitled to that feeling and is not going to miss out on it – he deserves this level of happiness. If anything, he is irritated with you because you don’t make him feel that level of excitement. He may feel that his mere presence in your life – the fact that he is with you although he does not feel excitement for you – justify him finding “happiness” outside of your relationship while continuing to reap the benefits of your relationship. Don’t be a narcissistic enabler – don’t settle for less than you deserve.
Wow – this is probably the best post I’ve ever read on this subject.
But then, I also hit Meh last Tuesday – officially. I couldn’t believe it.
Love you Chumtacular – you are spectacular!
Shechump, congratulations! I also hit Meh on Tuesday (yesterday). Woo hoo! And you’re right, Chumptacular’s comment is awesome.
Yes! This! STBX told me he is 80% happy but wants to “look for the other 20% to be 100% happy. Because other people in relationships are 100% happy and you shouldn’t have to work at a relationship or tell the other person what you need to make you happy.” OMFG! The freaking 20%! The problem with disordered is that they find the 20% but don’t realize the reason they are so HAPPY is because 80% of that happiness is your freaking wife and kids and house and having all the money. You stupid asshat! So once STBX leaves and realizes what the 80% was I’m fairly sure the 20% isn’t going to sustain that real real real true true true love! Sadly. They already aren’t getting along and he hasn’t even moved out yet!
Annabelle, I’m late to the party today, but I hope you’re still reading. I want to make three points:
1. No one in this situation is concerned with your feelings. Not the OW, for sure, who seems to love taunting you. Not Cheaterpants, who is focused clearly on maintaining his delicious cakey triangle. And not you. Your focus is on “three kids. Over a hundred mutual friends. Very close families…[and how divorce] would rip [your] whole families apart.” The heart of a marriage is the bond between two people. Creating a life to share with the kids, the friends, the extended family depends on the integrity and respect of that bond. So when your Cheaterpants husband began and continued an affair, and when he decided that his “feelings” about ending the affair were in any way germane, he showed how little he respects you or cares about the devastation he’s caused. That’s what any person outside the situation would see–his lack of respect or caring for you, his wife. If he wanted to save the marriage, he would be rebuilding your trust in him, starting with going no contact with the current OW or any other AP.
2. If Cheaterpants wanted to save the marriage, he would be furious that the OW was taunting you. He would shut that down totally and go no contact. What he wants to save is the triangle.
3. You will never be in a better position in terms of the power you have to control your own destiny. If you get your ducks in a row financially and file for divorce, you make a statement that you won’t put up with cheating. If you file and go no contact, you can take a year or 18 months to get some individual therapy with a good therapist and get your mind clear. Whatever went on earlier in your marriage, you’ve been abused for the past 18 months. You need to remove yourself from these two people so you can see more clearly what so many of us see, based on our own experiences. It’s natural to hang on to the life you built and care so much about. But you are doing that at the expense of your heart, your dignity, and your integrity. No marriage is worth losing yourself. That’s should be the first rule of marriage counseling.
I am SO SO tired of these looser male cheaters who supposedly can’t be MAN enough to simply say, “I’m FUCKING MARRIED you SLUT, leave me alone.” And if they CAN’T say no, then shouldn’t we get away quickly anyway? They fall victim to the whims of the Siren’s song, right. Laughable. Tell him to grow up. (we know he is not interested of course)
Years of pain and I promise you – no gain. When it is over and it will be over, your biggest regret will be that you didn’t end it sooner. And it will be the ONLY regret you will have.
FYSA, my loser ex-wife cheater had the same problem saying no. On behalf of the male chumps (there are millions): #aintjustaguything
Less number than female chumps
And for a billion female chumps.
And they’re the one who ask us to married them in the first place.
My cheater soon-to-be-ex wife asked me to marry her.
#aintjustaguything
Ha Ha Ha…she is priceless.
Seriously? It’s not a competition.
If you got mugged by a male at gunpoint of a female at gunpoint, they’d be an asshole either way. As if the gender of who is holding the loaded gun is important to how traumatic the circumstance is. Sheesh.
Thanks everyone. I have read every comment. My brain agrees with you. Even before the affair (for the past 10 years at least) I’ve contemplated leaving him as he’s emotionally abusive. I know that. Even my kids don’t really like him because of how he treats me. They (teenagers) actually support the divorce!
But my brain and heart don’t agree. And my heart always wins. He’s my whole life. Together since we were 16. Married at 20. Now in our forties. I love him more than anything. And I’ve accepted the mistress as it’s the only way to keep him. But I want her gone now. And I hope my husband will cut her off soon once and for all so she goes away. And I know how stupid this sounds. Even the OW has told me I’m pathetic. She says I must love the drama to stay. But we are moving to a different state for work and surely she’ll get tired of this game.
Please. Follow your brain. It will take a long time and be very hard but your heart WILL catch up. It doesn’t matter if you move. There will be another OW. Your marriage is tainted FOREVER. The person you want to keep is not that person! Teach your children the right way to respond to betrayal, dishonesty and abuse.
Hi Annabelle –
Keep reading. Stay with CL. One day, your brain will win the fight with your heart. Once upon a time, Chump Lady was you:
https://www.chumplady.com/2016/02/where-did-chump-lady-come-from-2/
One day, I hope the Real Annabelle will break out and start taking action.
I do think you’re in love with a wonderful man, but unfortunately he doesn’t exist in real life. He’s an imaginary version of your husband with all the bad bits left out, and heavily idealised, and full of happy memories that somehow hide the present awful realities.
I would suggest that you have been hiding behind this imaginary husband for years, and investing all your energies in living through him.
The Real Annabelle inside you knows this, and she is trying very hard to get out and start living. I think one day she will succeed, and your life will really begin.
I just got goosebumps reading this. True Chump wisdom!
Sweetheart,
You are still in denial. The problem was, is and never ever will be the other woman. You married a lying piece of excrement. Nobody treats another human being with such disdain as your husband has treated you unless he absolutely has no respect or love for you.
He was your whole life. No, the illusion of what you mistakenly thought was a decent person was your whole life. Your “husband” died the moment he fucked another person. Give up your dream of a lovely marriage, because he obviously torpedoed the shit out of that. He FUCKED another person. Just keep repeating that to yourself. Good people don’t do that.
You say you are moving to another state. Please for the love of your children tell us you are actually divorcing this asshole. And screw the OW. She’s not even worth the effort of hating her, but your stupid ass of a husband is worth some dissing.
And take the piece of shit to the cleaners when you divorce. Don’t mediate. Fight FAIR.
Wow. So you’d be okay with your this happening to either of your kids. Encourage them to stay in the marriage because that is “love”. Yes, honey it’s okay to be emotionally abused and cheated on. Just pack up and move and life will return to the status quo.
My parents were married over 50 years with zero cheating. She would advise you to re-think your definition of love and that’s just for putting up with the emotional abuse. My Dad, too.My Dad took his Mom to the courthouse to get her away from his abusive cheating Dad. Your heart is a big fat liar like your cheater. You’re either scared to be wrong or a masochist. You stated your concern about breaking up the family yet your own kids are telling you to get away. I’ll bet there are other family/friends who share the same sentiments.
Love starts with you sister. I pray one day you get some therapy and self-esteem.
Oh and here’s my final thought on being involved with a emotionally abusive cheater. I liken the experience to getting head lice. It’s no shame in getting one it is a shame keeping them, lol
Annabelle,
OK so no one is telling you how to get rid of the OW. And that’s really what you want to know. Right?
So here’s the answer: you stop playing the game. The most sure-fire way to make the OW lose interest is to let her have him. Stop trying to fix the marriage. Go no contact with your husband and the OW. And she will dump him and he will come back to you – begging to reconcile. It’s not 100%, but I would give it 80% odds of working. It took 3 months for this to happen with my cheater/OW (not that I wanted that to happen, and it certainly was not why I stopped trying to fix the marriage/went NC).
Seem counter intuitive? The harder you fight, for your marriage/against the OW, the more triangulation/kibbles you give them. OW was projecting when she said you like drama. No, in fact, the OW and your husband like drama. Otherwise he would leave you and marry her.
Every word CN has said above is truth. Hopefully once you are NC and away from the emotional abuse you will begin to gain clarity about what has really been happening in your marriage. (((Hugs)))
Annabelle,
I can truly say I know how you feel when it comes to the brain and heart being in conflict. I have been with my husband since I was 15 we have been Together a total of 28 years. Him and the children have been my life for many years. I have taken my husband back 4 times believing each time he was going to do right by us this time. The problem was he never showed any real signs of change and I let him come back based on his words verses his actions. It was not easy for me to see his character flaws and see him for what he truly is(cheater, liar, manipulator,selfish). I still love my husband very deeply but has made the decision to divorce him. I have always done right by him and I refuse to share his heart or compete for his love with anyone. He doesn’t have to share my heart or compete for my love because when you truly love someone you don’t put them through that pain. I wish you the best and will keep you in prayer.
Annabelle–do you want to model for your daughter that staying with an emotional abuser is okay? There are 100s of us on this site who stayed with abusive cheaters because our mother/father showed us that was normal.
Break the cycle. DO NOT MOVE WITH THAT MAN. You are erecting your own prison. You’re not in love with him, you’re in love with who you thought he was. HUGE difference.
I cannot stress enough that you owe it to your children to model self-respect and boundaries. And you owe it to yourself to exit that sham of a marriage. Harsh, I know, but I’ve been where you are–emotional abusers don’t change because their zip code changes.
Annabelle–Tempest is right. I left a 23-year marriage to a cheater I met with I was 21 and married at 23 and with whom I had 2 children. I understand sunk costs and just wanting to “edit” the bad stuff out of what I though was an otherwise good life–the only life I’d ever known. Leaving my serial chewing ex-wife turned out to be by far the most painful thing I ever did, and also the best. Turns out . . . leaving was essential.
You are the boss of you. If you tolerate the pain and abuse, it will continue. The pain stops when you say it stops.
WELL SAID.
I have been reading for a while and made an account specifically because I needed to respond to you Annabelle. Tough love incoming. Your heart is wrong, or at least you are wrong in thinking its your heart speaking. Your grief is speaking. Grief for the death of a marriage and a life and the passing of the man you were married to, because you sure as shit are married to a different man now.
It is your life and your decision to make, but for the love of Bob SNAP OUT OF IT. You are being treated like a doormat, and you’ve not only accepted this, but asked for more. Your self respect is zero, so your husband will never respect you and his sidepiece sure as shit isn’t going to respect you either. You’ve given them no reason to at all. You’re taking his punches to the face and asking for more.
He is not worth keeping, he is not your whole life. Your primary responsibility is to your children and to yourself. You were alive (and presumably happy) before this piece of shit came into your life, and you’ll be alive and happy once this piece of shit exits stage left.
Moving isn’t going to fix anything. It doesn’t matter if you move to the moon, he will find someone else to fuck. This situation is going to get worse and worse. Because he has zero respect for you and you’ve essentially told him that’s ok, it could get horrifically monumentally nasty. How are you going to feel when he makes you lie in bed beside him and watch him fuck someone else? How are you going to feel while he insults you and laughs at you the whole time? How are you going to feel when he brags to other people about it? That’s where you could end up. With this guy, there will always be another woman with more on the wings. This shit will never ever ever end. You need to accept reality and forget this fantasy you’ve created in your head that moving will take you all back to magical happy land. It won’t.
What are you teaching your children in all of this? You’re teaching them that you are worth nothing, that marriage means nothing other than abject servitude, that other people’s feeling don’t matter, that they are there to be used and abused. Is that what you want for your kids? If you can’t create an argument for yourself to be rid of this relationship, then you need to realize the damage that you are doing to your children by staying. And frankly their best interests outweigh your feelings. That’s your job as a parent whether it hurts you or not. They come first. Their father doesn’t put them first. You’re the only one left that will and you HAVE to.
The above is harsh, and I’m really really sorry for that, but you NEED to get yourself away from this man and into therapy RIGHT NOW. Treat this as a life and death situation because it really is. You may think you’ve reached rock bottom, but in reality you are dangling on the precipice. Shit is going to real nasty, and when it does, you’ll look back and long for the days when you feel like you do today.
Perfect.
Annabelle – I don’t know you. I have never been you one day of my life. I can’t possibly know everything there is to know about your life and family; what makes you happy; what is and is not important to you; and what you find to be a satisfactory marital relationship. Only you know that. But after all you’ve read, you must know that you are in for more of the same if you stay. If you make that election, the answer to your question of how to keep your husband’s affair partners from taunting you is, “you don’t.” You simply accept that it will continue and resign yourself to live with it and endure the disrespect and abuse that people who allow others to use them as doormats can expect to receive. This is one of those universal truths, and will apply whether or not you move out of state.
I’m sad for you, Annabelle, but I truly wish you joy and happiness, and the courage to demand for yourself a basic level of respect that all human beings deserve.
Annabelle, not sure if you’ll read this but you have to face that your marriage is going to end, basically it is already over. Do you want to waste another 10 years on someone that is just going through the motions with you and will always have one foot out the door. The current OW may not have financial stability or there is something else lacking which is why your husband has not quite left for good. The next OW (and there will be a next OW doesn’t matter where you move) may have financial stability or the requirements your husband needs to finally leave for good. He is going to leave you and in the meantime why would you want to tolerate his disdain and emotional abuse? You are only in your 40’s you can still start over and go on to a much happier existence.
Oh, Annabelle. I’m so sorry that you are so stuck. Being with someone since you’re 16 makes you so enmeshed you probably don’t know where you end and he begins. The said fact is, though, he obviously doesn’t feel the same way. He leads a very separate life.
You should be able to expect and require that your husband stand up and protect you from this psychotic OW. He should not allow that pig to speak to the mother of his children that way. The fact that he doesn’t says so much about who he is. He doesn’t want to rock the boat with Skankenstein because he enjoys being pursued by two women.
It is very obvious how much you love him. But, frankly, your love for him seems enormously co-dependent. You are blinding yourself to the fact he invited this malignant bitch into your lives to screw with you. It may be a good idea for you to pursue individual counseling to help see yourself as a whole person who deserves respect, especially from those who you’ve given your life to.
Wishing you the strength and determination to stand up for yourself through this mess.
Annabelle: In the immortal words of Cher in that wonderful classic “Moonstruck” – SNAP OUT OF IT! He is playing you. Playing you like an old used upright and at the same time is pounding on a new keyboard – the OW. He doesn’t want to fix this, he wants the cake status quo he’d been enjoying before you found out. How dare you have a brain and find out and ruin his perfect balancing act?
You’ve been married 20 years? So what? I was married 25 when I found out about my ex and his four year whore. I’ve read comments from women who’ve been married 30, 35, 40 years. Time investment and marital equity as an investment means nothing to a douche who has decided you just don’t do it for him anymore. And it’s not you – it’s HIM. He for whatever reason has decided he needs a new source of kibble and sex. She’s younger – but she didn’t need to be. It’s more about the challenge, the danger, the compliments, the centrality. The focus she has for HIM alone.
You are very dear for wanting to save your marriage. I did too. Chumps always want to do the right thing – save the relationship. But you can only pull your half of the load in a marriage. If he doesn’t want to stop his affair, nothing you do will change that. And even if he stops with this one, do you honestly believe he won’t cheat again? IF so – I’ve got swamp land in Florida for you to buy.
This is the hardest thing you will ever do – but you need to recognize that he isn’t in this relationship with you anymore. He’s dead in this relationship. Quit trying to reanimate the corpse. It’s rotten and will just want to eat your brain. Save yourself, save your kids. The extended family will sort itself out. You deserve better. And frightening as the prospect may be – life on your own honestly and above board is infinitely better than living with a lie and a liar and all the ill he brings to your life.
Char, brilliantly said:
If he doesn’t want to stop his affair, nothing you do will change that.
This is the hardest thing you will ever do – but you need to recognize that he isn’t in this relationship with you anymore. He’s dead in this relationship. Quit trying to reanimate the corpse. It’s rotten and will just want to eat your brain. Save yourself, save your kids.
And frightening as the prospect may be – life on your own honestly and above board is infinitely better than living with a lie and a liar and all the ill he brings to your life.
Well the other women is not going to go anywhere, she is here to stay and it’s up to you if you want to share your husband with her. Once they get a taste of the other women it’s no turning back she will always be in your mind is she better does he love her more etc. Every 4 to 6 weeks he runs back to her how do you know thats’ true why would you want to believe this lying cheater, I don’t think they never were apart he was just trying to get more supply from you if you try hare he will stay or maybe wake up and remember he loves me sorry he loves nobody but himself. You her are all second best nothing will change it will get worse you want her to go away and if she does he will have her replacement it will never end. So now you want him cannot let him go she is a package deal it’s up to you to be the third party. Get ride of his sorry ass and find a true man, not a the scum of the earth.
Dear Annabelle,
a. If your husband does not indulge the whore, she stays out.
b. Is she a co-worker? If she is socially not accessible, what does she specifically do to re-appear?
c. Tell your husband to tell her to get the fuck off.
d. Many hugs. I understand you being in two minds. How are you so sure that you never want to leave your cheating husband?
Men, like women do not respect weakness. You showed weakness by taking him back. And by begging the slut to leave him alone. You deserve better. Go find it. He’s no prize and once you drop him, the slut will find another dick to scratch her itchy pussy.
I am going to say something a little bit different. Yes, your husband is a cheater and is a huge problem, but I think you know that. I just want to say a few things about the OW. I felt concerned when you wrote that you believe that she hates you and wants to hurt you. No contact (ideally with both of them) is a good idea for ‘stopping the game’ as others have suggested, but no contact (blocking, changing phone numbers, and when you move, leaving no forwarding address) is absolutely essential if it turns out that the OW is mentally disordered and has begun to exhibit stalking and harassing behaviour. It might not just be your sanity that is at stake, but your safety as well. Take care.
Annabelle, She can do much better? How about YOU? For you to even make a statement like that, you can’t think very much of your husband or yourself! I’m sure your worth more than what your getting?! Start believing !!!
HI Annabelle. I hurt for you. I’m sorry, but you will not win trying to avoid this pain that awaits you. And yes, it will occur for you. It will occur when he DOES meet the person who is will be the catalyst for dumping you flat on your face. By that time he will have absolutely no qualms about your welfare or suffering. I’m pretty sure he doesn’t now, but I don’t think he is so out of his mind to give up the cake entirely YET. He needs you for the moving logistics. He isn’t capable of exerting any energy for that major event. Narc’s are using bastards, and they lie, lie, lie, lie. Everyone here knows your position, your pain, and the torture you feel. We also understand you are simply not ready. There will be a time you will have no choice in the matter, because he will leave you. There will be another OW. your attempts to keep him piss him off (in reality). YOU are the cause of his miserable life. YOU will be discarded at some point. YOU will have no voice at that time because you will no longer influence his poor widdle depressed life. Everyone here wants you to avoid all of that. We want you to have some self respect. We are trying to give you community strength to take tiny baby steps to stop this abuse for your own good. Regardless if you heed any of the advice, a baby step IS finding this blog. You will see yourself and see your husband in many sad stories. Read the archives. Start by educating yourself on narcissism. I can say that in my own case, when I did investigate my own situation, it made total sense to me. I became angry. I am no longer a chump. I was a big fat chump. I am ashamed at my behavior at trying to keep a complete loser in my life. I was finally dumped and discarded. I can assure you it’s no fun when you finally have to face that pain. It is excruciating. I am 8 months out. The first four months were the worst. I am getting better everyday. This site was my savior. And still is. I read and re-read everyday. There are lingering moments of missing him and asking why, why, why? But I stand firm and forge on. I won’t ever be in the position of facing that kind of agony again. I could have had him back. I probably still can. I thoroughly enjoy knowing that is is aware (by now) what a piece of shit he traded me in for. I am a brilliant, resourceful, attractive, sensitive female. I am a survivor. Probably a warrior after all this. BUT I was also you more times than I can remember. I so love that he had no idea he was done. Now he appears angry and confused. He did not expect me to LEAVE him while he was off having his fun. As soon as I removed myself and shut down communication, it was obvious that the wind was knocked out of him. The fun of his affair was not so fun anymore I guess. I don’t ask, I don’t acknowledge, I ignore.
Annabelle, my heart aches for you. Please take some baby steps, and at the very least acknowledge the possibility you need to protect yourself. The best advice I have? Let him go to her. He will be back, and the beauty of that is you might have some clarity and discover you don’t want his sorry ass back. We can all collectively only hope for your sake. In my case, that’s what happened. I am so happy to be rid of him and his daily abuse, constant bitching, negativity, whining entitled fucker self. I know, without a doubt, his whore has the worst possible thing (him) that I could ever wish upon her. He will not change, he is all sparkly now, but the whore is in for the ride of her life. Please open your mind and protect yourself.
This is a amazing post. Anabelle, read this over and over.
Take control and recover your dignity. It’s not too late.
I used to be angry with the OM, until friends pointed out that guys like him were always out there trolling. It was her lack of boundaries and her choice. Now he’s the step dad and only 4 months after they got married, she regretted it (last September when she first told me). Last night, she sent me a Facebook friend request on the FB account I made for the kids. I had blocked her on my old one that I later deactivated. I’m ignoring. I have zero interest in seeing her weirdness.
I was asked to be the other woman once. I declined. It did take everything I had not to slap that guy silly. I also remained faithful during my marriage to cheaterpants. Once, I was ringing bells for the Salvation Army. It was cold, so I had gloves on covering my ring. This one guy came up to me to put money in the kettle FIVE times. Once he brought hot chocolate. The last time he gave me his number. I knew I was in a vulnerable position because my marriage was on the rocks. So, I decided it was better to not hang out with another man. Some men and women feel the same way I do. Some of us care. The sad thing is we worry so much about the cheater’s feelings or what the OW or OM is doing and we forget that they couldn’t care less about us.
The really sad thing is that this letter was written by the OW who takes pleasure in pointing out to the ‘wife’ how pathetic she is. The OW despises the weaknesses of the wife. The wife is too forgiving, over and over, and over again. This annoys the OW. How can anyone just accept this dysfunctional situation? She just doesn’t get it. The OW ‘gets’ CL and CN. She totally agrees with all the advice on here. She, herself, would never be a chump. Why on earth would she fight for someone who betrayed her, or is in love with someone else? She will never understand the chumps. But she reads this blog, and her feelings did get hurt. Long ago.
Every time the husband spends time with the OW and then ‘ends’ things, the wife consoles the husband and tells him he will get over it.. Or she tells him: “It’s ok, she will be back” when he says he misses her. And, so far, the OW has always been back. After each weekend the husband spends with the OW, the wife goes into a black hole, but once the husband returns to her, she soon forgives the husband and tries to make him happy, show him she cares, sending him sweet text messages “hope work goes well today” etc. Not knowing the husband is texting (or sexting) the OW at the same time.
The husband loves both (he says). He keeps upsetting the wife, lies to her about where he’s spending the weekend, but as soon as she guesses, he sends sweet texts “I still love you, you know”. And this is like a drug to the wife. And it enrages the OW. The wife loves the husband. Despite what CN says, she will stick by him. Forever and ever. The OW is not made of stone. She once loved the cheater, but now she just wants to hurt them. Both. She wants to her her more, as she detests weak people. She wants to find out how far she can go. The cheater is like putty in her hands, and does everything she tells him. They still get along well. She wants to know how much this wife can take. She wants to hurt the wife. But she knows she will have to give up one day. There will never be a divorce. This wife does not give up. This cheater does not want a divorce.
After reading this comment, i will repeat what wrote above. please pay attention, ‘Annabelle’, if you are indeed reading on this site:
I just want to say a few things about the OW. I felt concerned when you wrote that you believe that she hates you and wants to hurt you. No contact (ideally with both of them) is a good idea for ‘stopping the game’ as others have suggested, but no contact (blocking, changing phone numbers, and when you move, leaving no forwarding address) is absolutely essential if it turns out that the OW is mentally disordered and has begun to exhibit stalking and harassing behaviour. It might not just be your sanity that is at stake, but your safety as well. Take care.
Any decent husband worth his salt would put anyone through a wall if they called their wife “pathetic”. The fact that he cavorts with the slut says everything about his real feelings.
There’s nothing to save here.
IF he wanted to be with you, there would never be any question of another woman.
Have some self respect; all the cheater wants is someone to keep house for him while he screws around.
Get out now.
Annabelle, you indicate that your heart is preventing you from leaving. That you love this person with all your heart. I believe that what you are really saying is that this person gives you your identity. And if you are not married to him, you will no longer exist. You feel that leaving him will be like killing yourself. So you are resisting leaving just as you would resist picking up a pair of scissors and stabbing yourself. Yet, by accepting his abuse, you are killing yourself slowly.
I have been in a similar place to where you are. I learned that these family and friends whom you cite as being so invested in your marriage already see what you don’t. They see his abuse and disrespect of you and they are not invested in that. Because of it, they are not enjoying great times with you, nor are they seeing you as a respected matriarch.
You apparently want to take the risk that this will all go away if you get away from OW. The most accurate advice I’ve seen here is that he has not fully left you for OW because there is something lacking in that relationship, perhaps financial stability. However, he likes certain feelings he gets from her and doesn’t want to give them up. He has no empathy for your pain and you’ve taught him that there is no need for him to have any. What do you get from him being in the house on a holiday and texting her? Or being married to you, but spending Xmas with her?
I put a stop to such abuse in December. It’s been lonely at times, and I wasn’t invited to a family wedding on his side last week. However, I am stronger and more serene because I stood up for myself, filed, took his key, and pressed forward. I remembered that I had an identity apart from him. And family at the wedding knew why I wasn’t there. It felt far better than showing up somewhere with him and endorsing my own abuse.
Well, Narc that I am I think this post is actually about me.
The Disgusting, POS etc etc Cheater.
Mannabelle, well if that’s true, then you certainly picked the wrong screen name because a real man wouldn’t destroy his family. He would care for, cherish and protect them.
@ Mannabelle. This post IS about you. It’s about you and every other man who failed his family. It’s about every man who rejected a wife who truly loved him. It’s about men who, in trying to ‘have it all’ lost what was really important. It’s about you, the man who was given a parcel of good things in life, but chose to see them as a burden, and threw them away and instead took up a dark sack of nastiness, dishonesty and heartbreak. You forced your wife and children down on their knees in the dirt, forced them to eat filth and ash, treading on the backs of their heads and for what? So you could have a bit of fun on the side? A bit of excitement? So you could get some good feelings from the kind of woman who stands by laughing at your broken wife and children as they lie suffering on the ground.
Only a truly disgusting person can cheat on a spouse.