The Cheater Tactic of Cake-Eating

cheater tactic of cake eating

The cheater tactic of cake-eating is the situation in which the cheater has the affair partner (AP) and the main (chump) partner and tries to maintain power by keeping both. (“Having your cake and eating it too.”) It’s the preferred Nirvanic, narcissistic state of cheaters. In fact, cake is a preferred lifestyle for many.

Ideally, the chump is unaware of the AP, because that means the cheater has unfettered access to cake. After discovery, however, many cheaters will go to tremendous lengths to maintain cake. Cake eating is confusing to chumps.

Chumps mistakenly think there will be a winner and a loser.

Chumps tend to think of affairs as competitions – it’s me or him! Or what does she have that I don’t have? Chumps see marriage or committed relationships through their own lens of monogamy and honest choices. If they are not committed to me, a chump thinks, then they’re for Schmoopie. So who’s it gonna be?

Cake eaters do nothing to dissuade a distraught chump from this line of thinking.

Cheaters prefer a competition in which they are the center of attention.

And a catfight ensues over their fabulousness. They would prefer you not discover their cheating, but if it must be revealed, this is how they’d like to see it play out. You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you! (See “The ‘Pick Me’ Dance.”)

The goal of cake is not to choose.

Chumps often go painful round after painful round as the cheater “commits” to the marriage and then retreats. Swears to be faithful, and then is caught again with the AP. Makes promises to both the chump (and the AP), and breaks them. The cheater is NOT trying to decide between two people – the cheater is trying to maintain cake. Cake eaters are NOT confused. They are deliberately trying to maintain an unfair situation at your expense.

Cake eaters act vague.

They need time. They feel very, very sorry for themselves. Please be patient! They’ll assert that they’re trying very hard to appease you (they’re not, but they may throw you a bone like marriage counseling, or sex, or paying attention to their children), but you’re soooo unreasonable with your demands. Cake eaters are defensive when you question their commitment or the sincerity of their remorse. They really just want you to leave them alone and let them get back to the business of eating cake.

There is only one way to deal with a cake eater and that is to take away the fork and leave. 

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Ing
Ing
11 years ago

This looks like so many affairs. The cake eater promises to end the affair but just puts it on hold while they “work on their relationship” with their life partner.
At the same time they are telling their affair partner that they are “working on separation”
Marriage Counseling if very popular among cake eaters, this gives the a forum to tell their tale of woe and conflicted emotions. they are also keen on talking about pre-existing marriage problems and deflect away from the affair as the problem

Taking your fork and leaving is fine in theory but a committed cake eater will pursue you. If you have kids they will use the contact to try and open up the cake store.

But here is a warning.
The effects of this on a previously committed spouse are downright dangerous. The person who previously loved you is now abusing you. The longer you allow this to go on the more damage will be done to your psyche and with that your security. Your sanity is at stake
Anxiety attacks, panic attacks and even full blown PTSD are likely if you allow this to continue.
We are not encouraged to avoid things in relationships, but avoidance is a valid way of dealing with a cake eater.
Don’t engage with them.
Avoid them

ginger
ginger
8 years ago
Reply to  Ing

PTSD so important-many,many years since I got away. Biting me on the bum now

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The damage to me, my trust my sweet love and to my children IS FOREVER. But the sooner you shut the bakery down, the more MIGHTY you will feel. That shortens the recovery time.. my experience only. I got my self esteem back!!!

owl
owl
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

The cake is the golden egg laid by the goose in the fairytale ‘jack and the beanstalk.’

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

Why is it that a lot of cheaters seem drawn to the type of “word sald” deal that Claum uses? MY XW was similar. Phrases like “the chemistry became sexualized” or this “mist ” deal referenced by Calum would definitely appeal to her.
A good friend, an author and publisher looked at some of the things my XW wrote to me, where she would, in effect, justify her cheating with new agish sounding phrases that made no sense to me.’
I asked my friend, who is more literate than I am, to interpret.
He said that my XW seems drawn to “opaque language” and he felt it was because it allows her to lie to herself more easily.
One gets the feeling in reading Calum , as well as my XW’s stuff, that these folks consider themselves, somehow, just a little bit more evolved, above the rules that apply to the mere peasantry. They have an air of feeling superior, such that the rules do not apply to them.
Yet, if you really look at how they act, they act in a manner that is less noble than others, more dishonest, more selfish etc. How that constitutes superiority is a mystery to me.

Braken
Braken
30 days ago
Reply to  Arnold

That’s the thing, though; the additional complexity and opaque language create a pause, and it creates doubt. It makes us stop and think, “Are we too simple? Is there a grey area? Are we less intelligent or less intellectual?” Sometimes, it is a grey area we are looking for to try and explain or justify why someone we loved hurt us so deeply. We want a reason; we want to grasp at straws that it didn’t happen, and we’re not legally or emotionally bound to someone of low character.

It is intentional because simplicity has its place in terms of clarity. Terry Pratchett once said, “Simple isn’t the same as stupid.” Simple can also be direct; simple doesn’t leave time or space for excuses or continued tolerance. “They cheated, so we leave them.” It is what cheaters try to obscure and derail you from. Because that is a direct consequence of harm caused once the pretty language from the thesaurus is stripped away, it’s a smokescreen of words to hide the pain they cause and the clear consequences of it.

Marco
Marco
30 days ago
Reply to  Arnold

I refer to it as bullshit.

Regina
Regina
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

Arnold, I read that in another of you posts and it struck me a advanced mindfuckery, “the chemistry became sexualized”, it would have been funny if you had said “I know what you mean, the common whore spread her legs like so many low class women before her! I know I would not have thought that fast either, being lost in the hurt of how unique she is trying to make it sound.
As if to say this is not COMMON cheating, this is special…yeah, right.

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

Think I will go “validate different facets of myself” before the “mist comes down” because being without cake sounds as “scary as stimulating” and I might “dignify deceit ” along the way.
God, my XW has a soulmate.

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I did this since I was a marriage expert before 2 professional cheaters

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

That’s the thing , though, CL. When you really try to take a look into what someone like Calum is saying, the vague, opaque phrases, they really aren’t very well thought out. So, to call it “intellectualizing” may be gibing him too much credit.
Rather, it seems to me, that someone like this merely spews out a string of sort of catchy sounding little blurbs in the hopes of sounding hip and evolved and deep.
Look at what he is really saying, without the “mist descennding” or the “validating one’s full self” crap. It is just someone saying that, like everyone else, he or she , occassionally, sees someone other than his spouse as attractive and that there is a sameness aboutbeing with one person long term. So, wouldn’t it be nice to have an arogasm with that new person.
There is no “validating” through that. What does it even mean to be “validated”.Without even seeing or knowing Calum, I can “validate” that he or she is another run of the mill human being like the rest of us, dealing with the same issues and crap we all do.
It is just that some of us do not go for this gibberish that aloows us to fool ourselves into thinking we are special cases.

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

Liked your piece about this bullcrap. I hope Calum does not trip on his man purse and that his beret matches his outfit. Guy probably has a graying ponytail.

Duped
Duped
11 years ago

My Cake Eater told me, “There’s all kinds of truth,” when I asked him to be honest with me about his affairs.
When I found a condom in my husband’s toilet kit while looking for a band aid, I was knocked to my knees. We were in another country and he was out for a run. I called him and said, “I found it.” He figured it out and asked what I was going to do. I hung up, packed and left with the rental car. Drove about 50 miles, stopped on a beach and thought about walking into the waves but eventually turned around and went back. I should have kept driving, left the car at the airport and headed home. Instead I went back. I didn’t speak to him for 24 hours and he didn’t apologize or beg me or grovel. He was quiet. I gave in. I promised to be more everything. I look back at the person I was then and feel sorry for the poor thing. I’d like to go back there and give myself a hug. I never even asked who she was, never asked him to stop seeing anyone, just assumed he would because he’d been caught. I doubt he stopped for a minute.

” You try harder to win them back and maybe if you’re lucky, they’ll choose you!” I felt this way. I had won. He wanted me, not whoever she was. I clung to that for a few more years.
Thanks, Chump Lady. It’s will be one year from the last and final discovery. It’s been a shitty road but most days are good. I’m glad I found your site.

It didn’t last long.

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yes this ⏫️

BackToReality
BackToReality
1 year ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I got ‘the truth is somewhere in between’ a lot, too. I also got ‘It was bigger than me’; ‘I lie because I can’; ‘I can’t help it if we have different sex drives’; ‘People cheat on other people – get over it.’; ‘I’m bad you’re good. So what?’; ‘I’m having a mid-life crisis’; ‘I don’t believe in monogamy’.

Etc. Etc.

Debbie L
Debbie L
9 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My husband’s favorite is “Everyone has their own truth” or “That’s YOUR opinion of what the truth is, mine is different”.

nwrain
nwrain
9 years ago
Reply to  Debbie L

Debbie L, I hear you, sister.

“Everyone has their own truth”

Almost word for word.

And then eventually through gritted teeth, “You’ll never find out the truth!”

Oh, so there are more sordid details? Well, I’ve learned enough, thank you.

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  nwrain

Many people get suckered on this concept: Truth is not an absolute, it’s all relative.

Falene
Falene
11 years ago

One of the reasons I love you:

No it is not. Living your life with integrity is pretty simple. If you’re married, don’t fuck people you aren’t married to.

Mike
Mike
9 years ago
Reply to  Falene

Pretty simple really

Lori L
Lori L
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Oh yeah. I fell in love as soon as I saw that sentence too. Lol

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

Yeah, it is simple. But, with statements like that, you are going to have a lot of trouble looking cool and hip to the beret wearing, petulie oil smelling, hipsters who have evolved translucent cognition through resonating paradigms of consciousness replete with validation amidst the enfolding descent of the mist.
BTW, did you notice that Calum claimed, in his first sentence, to be too dim to understand the expression about one having one’s cake and eating it too? That expression has been around forever and is well understood by almost everyone. Yet, he was “confused” by it, as he only understands eating cake.
Well, if he is that dumb, it is no wonder he writes as he does.

Colors
Colors
9 years ago
Reply to  Arnold

For what it’s worth, the expression is “You can’t eat your cake and still have it.” Somehow or other it
got twisted around to “Have your cake and eat it, too.” The original expression better illustrates the idea.

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
8 years ago
Reply to  Colors

In French, “avoir le beurre et l’argent du beurre” (have the butter and the money to pay for the butter)

ww
ww
11 years ago

My cake eater is making cake (literally) in the other room as I write this.

I’m telling her I’m leaving on Monday, after my stepdaughter’s birthday party on Sunday.

It’s been a shitty three years. I did all that you said a BS shouldn’t do, and now at last I realize that the reconciliation is a mirage. She’s narcissistic, is not accountable, and untrustworthy. She thinks that paying lip service to reconciliation entitles her to having us act as if nothing ever happened. This while she refuses to stop working with her AP: the lawyer that she retained to see to her daughter’s (my stepdaughter’s) custody case.

This is my second marriage, I was also the BS in my first. This time around, I’ve found the right group therapy, and have lived the last years mindfully. I’ve finally learned, deep down inside, how fucked up codependence is, and how my fantasies of reconciliation are unicorns.

The years aren’t a total loss, I’ve learned, and become closer to my stepkids. I am stronger for it, a healthier, happier adult, and a better father to my kids and stepkids.

Now let’s get rid of cake eaters.

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

A million cuts is a painting…it is true

Marco
Marco
30 days ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I dont believe in confrontation or telling them anything. Just leave and let them figure it out. 😂🤣

Jeanny
Jeanny
5 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Chump lady

Start a dating service “ United chumps “????

nomoJoe
nomoJoe
10 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I guess I need some serious counseling – I’m not attracted to nice, giving, respectful men. I’m seeing a great guy – former BS and a giver but there is no “spark”. Maybe it’s just too early, I just want to be friends. I’m so trying to improve my choosing skills and even stopped dating for a while.

anudi
anudi
11 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Dear Chump Lady,

Can we have a connecting wire among givers?

I mean, I find all the people out there looking for potential mates to be suckers! Maybe, the experience of being in a serial cheater husband’s trap for long 14 years with a 12 year old kid has made me “very skeptical” about ever being a possibility of getting at “truthful relationship”! I feel this happens to a lot of BSs! So, while the cheating spouses seem to get too many takers, the BSs seem to have a hard time figuring out, whether all the good ones are already taken. What is going on here? Do you see any common thread among BSs in this aspect? If you do, kindly, lead BSs in their quest for finding another giver like themselves. Since, you’ve successfully transcended this phase, this will be very insightful and beneficial to co-dependents or givers or BSs or whatever shade they wear, in one of the most uphill task in resurrecting themselves.

Anudi

Arnold
Arnold
11 years ago

Two time loser here, as well. First wife serially cheated for years. Second wife took it up about 4 years in(doing her old boyfirend and the frozen food delivery guy((these are the tip of the iceberg, I suspect)) )
For those of us who have been through this in more than one marriage, we need to really hone our selection skills. ANd, go really slow before geting physical(my second wife “accidentally, became pregnant).
My GF now was betrayed. She is a giver to the max. Best GF I have ever had. She is really good looking, to boot.

Duped
Duped
11 years ago

Arnold, your experience seems like too much to bear. I was relieved and please to reach the end of your post and see that you have a loving and lovely girlfriend.

A question for those who have survived and thrived…What if you’re older (early 50s) and not quite pretty? Who’s going to want me? Even if I did find someone, how could I ever be sexually intimate relationship with someone after learning everything he did–young Hong Kong prostitutes, a Russian mistress in her 20s…? Convincing me I was damaged sexually…It just seems impossible. He did a number on my sense of self, alright.
It gets better, right?

ing
ing
11 years ago
Reply to  Duped

Duped. You were gaslighted. This is incredibly damaging and rips your sense of self apart. One of the things you may not be thinking about right now is that there are an almost equal number of males out there in the world that were also gasighted Also in their 50’s and also not looking as gorgeous as we once did.

Forget the lies about your sexual dysfunction. Get yourself screened for STD’s for your own peace of mind and get fit.
It gets better!! Really.

Duped
Duped
11 years ago
Reply to  ing

Thanks, Ing. I was tested as soon as I found out and got a clear bill of health.Well, except for those precancerous cells and the HPV but you can’t prove that…

It’s surprising, but it shouldn’t be, how deep the damage can go. I didn’t imagine it would affect other areas of my life. While remodeling I had to be talked off the ledge a couple of times by the sweetest contractor because I was sure subcontractors had plotted to cheat me because they knew they could. It seemed so real and then so embarrassing. I also have caught myself thinking my dearest friends didn’t think about me like I thought they did. I guess it takes a while for things to surface and then you have to deal with them.

Anyway, thanks for your kind words. They help.

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago
Reply to  Duped

This is me. I.look at crowds even at church and pick.out cheaters. My 2 D days with 2 cheaters Then has ruined me. I even heard a sermon where a study showed how men are like goats that are put in pens with.100 female goats in heat. The male goat loved the variety of she -goats and picked a new one every time. He couldn’t stop until he almost keeled over. Are there any Good men left?.Hopefully they are not all goats.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
10 years ago
Reply to  Duped

My now ex gave me a parting gift of incurable STI and I’m in my 50s, tell me how it gets better?

Orchid chump
Orchid chump
30 days ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Mine did too. I’m in my late 40’s and I have HSV thanks to my ex. I started dating about 2 years ago. Your ex doesn’t have the right to rob you of your chance at love again. Many people have STIs, when you meet someone who respects you, and you respect tell them, just be honest. It is a good test. If they are understanding and caring about it, you know they could be a good match. If they aren’t they just showed you their true colors and you saved yourself a lot of time.

I have a wonderful boyfriend. Super understanding, reciprocal and caring. I never thought I would.

It does get better. Hang in there big hugs. You deserve to love and be loved.

Duped
Duped
10 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Dear datdamwof,
I was fortunate and caught it early enough that it should be no problem. I’m fortunate that I can afford regular health care. So many cannot.
I don’t know what I’d do if I’d contracted something in curable. That seems like the most callous of actions cheater could do. I’m sorry.
My “gets better” was meant as the layers of damage slowly slough away giving you time to consider each one. Iof i felt any twinge of sympathy or longing for him, i would imagine him in the middle of one of his most sordid behaviors and it was like pouring poison on what was left of my feelings for him. I’d imagine an enormous dandelion shriveling as I poured acid on it.
There was a time I did not believe I would be able to think about the cruelty of his deceptions and almost laugh in disbelief that anyone could be that fucked up.
Take good care of yourself.

buriedalive
buriedalive
11 years ago

New to this site, and I LOVE it! wondering if its ok to tell my story as I love the feedback from other posters?

Sadman
Sadman
11 years ago

I tried to win back my cake-eating WW for 3 years. Can you imagine lowering your self worth for three freaking years, believing all the double talk, lies, half-truths and false reconciliations? It’s the most painful, sordid existence that I’ve known. And I’ve been through close family deaths and tragedies before their time.

I’m going through D now, and while painful at least I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel, and I can believe it’s sunlight…no longer an oncoming train I’ve witnessed the past three years. Recently, I’ve started a tentative friendship with a wonderful lady, also who was a former BS (not from marriage but a 3 year engagement), and the giving character is night and day.

Dani
Dani
11 years ago
Reply to  Sadman

Don’t be too hard on yourself Sadman… Trying to “do the right thing” is what us chumps do. Some of us do it for 3 years, some for a lifetime. Just be thankful that you have recognized the unicorn of reconciliation for what is is and are moving on… It is still painful, but totally worth the walk through fire. At least that is what I’m hoping. You’ll get there… and I’ll get there… and all these chumps will be there with us. THANK GOD FOR CHUMPS!

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago
Reply to  Dani

You’re not ready till you are ready. Some of us don’t have the courage for years. It does hurt you a lot, to stay..but we all have our pay offs. I stayed 3 years with each cheater but D days were only at the very end. Before that it was the unknown pick me dance and I didn’t snoop. If I had, it would never have been 3 years.

Heather
Heather
11 years ago

Do you consider an emotional affair in the same light as a physical affair? My spouse keeps telling me “she’s just a good friend.” I’m not buying it but do I end the marriage because I think he’s lying to me? Is he just trying to pacify me by agreeing to marriage counseling? Do I really want to wait around while he “works through whether or not he wants to be married?” Seriously, I think he’s pushing me to file for divorce so that he doesn’t look bad.

Hazel
Hazel
10 years ago
Reply to  Heather

Hi Heather, this is how my husband started. Emotional affairs. And in my opinion it’s worse than a physical affair. They make you feel crazy for questioning it and then you question yourself. PLEASE, TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS. While he swore up and down they were friends and that’s not what he wanted with her, guess who he lives with now? I squashed my own gut and learned a lot from that.

My heart is aching for you right now. Please, get yourself a good therapist and a lawyer. Also know that you are a good person. No one deserves the bullshit he’s dishing out. He may be confused but he’s lying to you and it’s simply not okay. Start working on you and being the best person you can be. It’s a tough road but you will get through it, either way it turns. xoxo

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago
Reply to  Hazel

You can wait if you wish, BUT IT WILL NOT GET BETTER. From my experience my cheaters both observed how much “I let slide ” with their EA..(.Forgiveness grooming).then they up the transgressive behavior. I turned into a” let it go” whimp and he loved the cake of EA and keeping me. I call it the shopping phase. Still you have NO IDEA if an EA is not also a PAffair No idea at all. YOU HAVE TO TRUST A LIER. Go ahead.

Rose
Rose
11 years ago
Reply to  Heather

Heather, one more thing, you said, “Do I really want to wait around while he “works through whether or not he wants to be married?””
That is a line that buys a cheater time. He can continue to stuff his face with cake eating. He wants both. Why make him a priority while he treats you like an option? Don’t wait around on him. You deserve a good man that will love you. Respect you. Be faithful to you. Be honest. Someone you can trust. Find out the truth. And make the decision to make YOU the priority. Keep us updated Heather. We are rooting for YOU!!!!!

Rose
Rose
11 years ago
Reply to  Heather

Hi Heather, If I were you, I would put on my PI hat and start investigating. Your husband could be giving you trickle truth about what he is really doing. It is possible he is only involved on an EA, but more than likely is having a PA/EA.
He will gaslight you, manipulate you, and lie to you so he can keep his “friend” and marriage. Please, please please do not take his word for telling you the truth.
I tried every which way to investigate myself when I had suspicions, but everything was in lockdown. I bought a voice activated recorder (small device, inexpensive.. Best purchase I ever made.. Literally.). Went out one night. Caught him chatting w his mistress. For 2.5 hours. Found out everything I needed to know. He could not deny anything as I had evidence from his own mouth in his phone conversation.
My opinion is (not everyone agrees, but ultimately is really about you think anyway..), is an EA is just as damaging to the marriage/relationship as a PA because it is an affair of the heart. He is putting up a wall with you, you are his wife. You should be his confidante, emotional support, and friend.. Yet he is allowing some strange whore to take your place???? Hell NO!!! That means he has no boundaries in place. Disrespects you. And is giving his heart to someone else. NOT ACCEPTABLE! Ask yourself: Are you okay with that? And Heather, he should not have any secret friends. If the person is spending time with your husband that you do not know about (calls, emails, texts, meetings), she is no friend. A person must be a friend of the marriage.
Respect the boundaries in place. sounds to me he is scared of you finding out what he is doing. Cheating. And will do anything to keep you away from finding it. Marriage counseling? Cheaters love that! Do whatever you can to get to the truth. And ask yourself what you will/will not accept. How do you think you deserve to be treated? I say if you have proof he is cheating. Retain a good lawyer and serve him the divorce papers. Good luck Heather! We chumps are here for you!!!!!

nomoJoe
nomoJoe
10 years ago
Reply to  Rose

Rose,

Love those voice activated recorders! After my XH promised he ended his PA, he started going into the office an hour earlier every morning. So, yep, went to Walmart bought a VAR and put it in the office. Bingo, he was going in early to talk sweet nothings with her and plan their weekend get away to New Orleans for his birthday.

Rose
Rose
10 years ago
Reply to  nomoJoe

Nomojoe,
Way to take your power back by finding out the truth! Best of luck to you. Hope you kicked Joe’s lying, cheating ass to the curb where it belongs.

anudi
anudi
11 years ago

EAs are indication of this person’s psychological problem! PA on the other hand would mean having some kind of “entitlement”, due to being more “clever”, “desirable”, “rich”, “gifted” etc. etc., more narcissistic. While PAs can go on without EA (so PA is less dangerous of the two), EA necessarily culminates into PA, if given a chance (for example a secluded place to meet up).

Whether EA or PA or both! How does it matter? Ur hubby is not committed into the marriage. His level of commitment is the problem…not you 🙂 .

At this point, evaluate how much investment you’ve put in to the marriage, already. How you can plan to salvage, a lot of things, what you built together (even if it means to dupe him into thinking that you are chasing the unicorn of reconciliation, while you are working on the other)! CL’s page on “how to leave a cheater”, is very instructive. Even if you decide on one chance at marriage therapy etc., kindly draw a time-limit. A carefully thought out strategy of investing in just as much, is desirable at this stage. After a threshold is reached, pull the trigger!

Your life is more important than all this shit!

Lori L
Lori L
10 years ago

I used to use the same theory when discussing the sitch with my ex. Except I used Donuts. Cakey, but not quite cake. Very entertaining read!

Karen
Karen
10 years ago

Just wanted to add; I realized my ex wanted to have his cake and eat it too – WITHOUT baking any cake, without bringing home any flour or butter or eggs, without earning the money to buy those things, so he could have cake at home. He wanted a great marriage, with NO effort on his part, no giving, no thinking of me or of his kids.

Then he tried to convince me it was MY fault he was screwing around. Yeah, right ….

Maria
Maria
10 years ago

Does he want his cake still?
After 16 years my husband started an affair with a girlfriend from 18 years ago who dumped him after 3 years because he was down (lost his job) and she was too young at 20 to deal with it. fast forward 16 years met him on FB and within 4 weeks he has said the I’m not in love with you I love and care about you but I have feelings for her.
He is now spending every weekend at her house with her children and coming back Monday night to our house so he can go to work and the gym.
We don’t really talk only hello/goodnight and I have started the divorce but every night he annoys the dog to get a reaction me I don’t cook or wash his clothes anymore he moved into the spare room and went and bought a new bed as the other one was hurting his back we are getting divorced and will be selling the house so why bother as he is telling friends he is moving in with her soon I am not working at the moment so he says you can go out during the week but have to stay at home at the weekends for the dog or get rid of him it’s his dog! It’s like he is reliving his 20’s going to bars where he used to drink seeing her and going around with the biggest ego he is happy for his work friends to know and family oh and FB friends but not our neighbours as they don’t need to know what the f@@k is going on is he a cake eater or is he just starting a new life ?

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  Maria

So sorry Maria! Is he a cake-eater? The better question is- do you want to be treated as the fall-back girl, dog-sitter, motel for the week? Don’t let him use you anymore!
You seem to almost know you want, and are making choices to help yourself, but you need to realize how much he sucks. He’s not who you thought he was, he’s this guy, the one that comes around as it’s convenient, is mean to his own pet, and clearly enjoys USING women. Very sad, you deserve better. Keep going on that divorce! He won’t change. Read everything Tracy writes over and over until your heart and mind align and you start to find Maria again!

kathy82513
kathy82513
10 years ago

I’m baffled. He had a EA not PA (yet) for 2 months, I found out, talked to her, wrote her letters, I think she ended it, and I think he hasn’t talked to her since March 2013. I monitor cell phone/house phone online, and I snoop alot. I haven’t found anything.
We’re getting along OK, sex could be better. He won’t say “I love you”.
I can’t tell if he’s recovering, trying to forget her, and we’ll get there, or if he’s lying, planning and biding his time until he’s ready to go.
I’m a pretty smart person, but I can’t figure this out!

Marco
Marco
30 days ago
Reply to  kathy82513

Living the life of a marriage warden sucks, You can’t change them or monitor enough l

KarenE
KarenE
10 years ago
Reply to  kathy82513

kathy, you need to read more posts here; he’s not recovering at all! And why on earth would it be YOUR job to talk to his AP????? Check out especially the posts on ‘Reconciliation and Remorse’ and the recent one on ‘How Can I Trust …’

You need your eyes open, and if you’re going to try the reconciliation route, you need to demand WAY more from him!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Yes, unfortunately you have become the dreaded Marriage Police. Are you happy? Wouldn’t a healthy relationship cause you happiness? Your guy sounds like he’s on the trail of other women, it doesn’t usually end well.
When my X was in his last, really huge and sexual, affair (EA and PA), we started having wonderful sex almost daily. He was high on cake!

mmburned
mmburned
10 years ago

AAH
The self-serving nonsense continues…

I got an acerbic email from my OMGP-STBX about how he had information about a situation between our 15year-old and myself which ended with the folllowing drivel:

“…My right to know as a parent about anything that may have had some serious emotional impact upon my daughter is important and just that – a right.” (I’m gonna hurl)

Well the fact was my daughter and I had an arguement about her demanding me be on-time-to-the-minute and the fact that she is always late and rude about it… typical teenage stuff.

After some serious editing – my first drafts always say exactly what is on my mind – I replied with facts a-b-c and went on to volunteer the tip of the iceburg regarding our daughter’s psychotherapy (2x a week). I closed by saying:

“Quit casting aspersions. You chose to lead a double life which continues to have, in your words, “serious emotional impact on my daughter” that you certainly weren’t forthcoming/inclusive about.”

His reply OF COURSE made no further inquiries into her wellbeing… “Thanks for being forthcoming and filling in the blanks that were of concern in this matter”.

WTF is wrong with this man? Filling in the blanks??? He obviously just wanted to stick his sun-damaged, pock scarred chest out and crow. No genuine interest in our daughter at all. Just his ego. Yum-yum.

KarenE
KarenE
10 years ago
Reply to  mmburned

mmburned, you have no obligation to provide this kind of info to your ex. Your daughter is 15, she can communicate what she wants. You’re right, he just wants to look like a good dad who cares about his daughter, AND to rub in the fact that your relationship w/your daughter is not a perfect one (just as nobody’s is! Especially when they’re teens!). He’s looking for ego kibbles!

You can reply just with; ‘I will immediately inform you when there is anything going on that could have any serious emotional impact upon your daughter, and I assume you will do the same.’ AND NO MORE!

PattyToo
PattyToo
10 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

He’s a control freak.

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10 years ago

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TheMuse
TheMuse
9 years ago

word salad: “You can’t deny me my truth.”

Tess
Tess
9 years ago

Mine says at a fast pace and high loud pitch “I’m not going to talk about it” so it is a shut out as to what is going on.

Only, wow, that I’m not going to talk about it sort of is telling.

Really don’t understand how that is supposed to not let me know the affair is going on when months ago me and our children were told it was over and he was going to stay in the marriage, only he still needed time, he just doesn’t know what he is doing.

He has said he doesn’t know what he is doing a long time, it brings to mind an image of him running down a sidewalk with a straight jacket on, not that it happened, but hearing that…I flash on the image.

I wish he was in a straightjacket, it would explain all this.

tess
tess
9 years ago

wanted to add, the statement is parrot like

he says it

then if I start to say something

it is repeated at a face pace

odd

chasing the sun
chasing the sun
9 years ago

Exactly..Don’t prey on somebody who is monogamous in thinking.. You would be effectively taking away his or her health or sanity to meet your needs….Pretty words don’t make an ugly dishonest soul any cleaner or easier to deal with…

Jayne
Jayne
9 years ago

Hi, 4 days ago I found out the father of my 18month old son is seeing someone else 10 years his junior! He says he still wants another baby with me and still wants to come round and spend time together as a family! (What planet is he on!!) The weekend, as you know, has been emotional but on Sunday I started to get my act together. I know there is life after infidelity as I’d already experienced it with my first husband who cheated on me with another man – that took me 4 years to come to terms with and have the confidence to go out dating again. I thought I had found the one this time but sadly once Id given him what he wanted – a son, he started to play around. Every time over the last 12 months he has managed to manipulate his way back in, usually by making me feel sorry for him (he was adopted and had a very unstable first 2 years of his life, which is his excuse for his narcissistic behaviour). So as this is the second time of being cheated on I started reading websites to help deal with the hurt and betrayal better. I came across the No Contact theory and apart from a very brief and matter of fact exchange when collecting his son for a visit 2 days ago, I have so far managed to ignore his texts, emails and haven’t looked on his twitter, instagram or fb. But today I felt a little down and came across your website – fantastic, everyone who has been cheated on needs to read your website! your choice of phrase makes me laugh. But what made it more so was my eldest son from my first marriage ( now age 7) gave his step dad 2 cakes when he came for his visitation and reading this Theory of Cakes, I just burst out laughing at the irony that the last I saw of the cheating pig was walking away with 2 little cupcakes!! He thought he could have his cake and eat it!! Not anymore ….

Ann
Ann
9 years ago

Reading Calum’s posting my first thought was this is a bunch of BS!

In an additional comment he says, “You are right enough. Your forum is your own so even if my question remains open it has no place here. Your strength is your black and white clarity. feel free to delete it.” —- Umm, CL doesn’t need your permission to squash your BS.

Michael
Michael
8 years ago

My adulterous ex-wife literally told me that she was confused and that she didn’t know what she wanted. She even convinced our marriage counselor that she was going through some internal turmoil about the kind of person she’s become, all the while continuing her affair. She even said out loud that she wishes she could have her AP and her husband too… very brazen. It took me a few days to realize what was really going on and I decided to drop her like a hot potato. But you articulated it so well in the last two paragraphs!

You hit the nail on the head Tracy!

divorceat25
divorceat25
8 years ago

Oh wow. I think I believed that my STBEH was actually just a confused nark. I think he is also a cake either, he keeps saying “this is not about X” but then he has acted exactly that way. At least I need to be grateful for his honesty because he has been very upfront about not being able to offer me fidelity if we are separated.

sadlady15
sadlady15
8 years ago

I was the chumpiest! He cheated for a year with a mutual friend. Begged to stay then re-proposed. I fell for it fully. Wedding in central park–puke!! Fast forward 4 years in which he financially abused me ( to the tune of $400000), emotionally verbally and mentally abused me, then wouldn’t work and when I insisted on collecting pay cheques from the business, discarded me within 5 weeks moved in with the new woman and (Much younger than our kids)daughter within 3 weeks. She has a high paying bank job plus child support from her daughters european dad–perfect score@!@ good riddance to him and I am actually starting to feel sorry for her-the love bombing was epic and she has no idea of the raging narcissist she is with. It is hard to accept he likely did not love me at all in our 34 year marriage.

Tyler Cody
Tyler Cody
6 years ago

Know this is an old post but I’m totally going through this as we speak.

Found out fiance was sexting a man, confronted her and she came clean that they didn’t have sex but “something happened” (as in, most likely sex but ehhh). Few days later, after feeling like I was going crazy from how she wasn’t prioritizing fixing the relationship, still talking to her friends from the gym (the place she lost her mind at and found the guy), and just thinking about how I’d been used and abused over the last year ever since she was begging me to get her a ring, I just left in the middle of the night when she was away. No word of why I left, just texted her the next day saying leave.

Eventually I had to contact her to ask when she was moving out, she accused me of cheating and was telling everyone on her side I cheated which is why I left, I laid out in full why I left (never cheated, was always good) and she wanted me back almost immediately. Turns out, not 3 days after leaving, shes eating her “cake” out of revenge (and fulfillment I have no doubt).

I agreed to try and fix it, but at this point its definitely looking like a no go. She pushed back on wanting to cut all contact with the guy by phone, still has him in her phone as “Papi” (its literally only been 2 weeks…..we had 5 years lol), but luckily she’s moving out because she believes the space will reignite our relationship. Already moving on, started thinking ahead, will have one last talk with her more of less saying for her own good and for her own relationships, she needs to cut contact with that gym and everyone from it because she’s become a much worse person ever since hanging out with those people (she’s incredibly impressionable).

Thanks for writing this, never knew about this site till this week, really helping me comes to terms with things and not making me feel like the bad guy in any way (she’s definitely trying to make me the villain, luckily even all her friends agree her decision was the bad on).

FYI_
FYI_
30 days ago
Reply to  Tyler Cody

This is an old post, but Tyler does not need to have “one last talk with her” — let alone to tell her what she should do next at her gym or anywhere else.
That’s what’s great about the “Gain a Life” part of this site. Let the cheater be to make allllll the bad decisions she wants to.

OHFFS
OHFFS
30 days ago
Reply to  Tyler Cody

Edit; got fooled by an old post yet again.

Last edited 30 days ago by OHFFS
Doingme1
Doingme1
30 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

As an update I have to say I wish I’d found CL 11 years ago. At that time I reconciled. The finally came three years later thanks to finding this site. While in the bliss of infatuation he bragged about it always being about the thrill of the chase.

I’ve been no contact since then, not a word. There were attempts when he told adult children he’d talk to me. How I love where he landed. I think the thrill of the chase has no takers. It was replaced with stuck with it.

Leaving the cheater was the best thing I ever did for myself.

Alan M
Alan M
6 years ago
Reply to  Tyler Cody

TC – I had a similar situation to you but in 1980 (no sexting then but she did screw two other guys while engaged). I married her. I finally divorced her for her serial cheating on 7/5/17.

RUN LIKE YOUR HAIR IS ON FIRE!!! .

OHFFS
OHFFS
30 days ago

After Dday my FW came right out and admitted he liked having both of us. He didn’t seem to think there was anything wrong with it. But then, he’s an imbecile with the EQ of a dung beetle.
Now he has nobody and has only my daughter to text to about his problems, texts to which she never responds. My other daughter, the one who chose FW over me, her sister, and the rest of my family, is too selfish to care about his problems and he knows it. So there is nobody who gives a damn about his problems, since his own family is all narcs, borderlines, and just regular self-centered jerks. How’s that cake taste now, FW?

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
30 days ago
Reply to  OHFFS

I imagine like cheap perfume, stale bread, and frustration.

braincramped
braincramped
30 days ago

Mine suggested that he start dating publicly so his AP would stay his AP and not dump him,but he wanted to tell tell our friends and family that we were separating so we could both explore dating but that were committed to staying married and loved each other unconditionally. I said NO, he then unilaterally just stated dating his AP in public.I filed for divorce the next day.

Chump-Domain Cleric
Chump-Domain Cleric
30 days ago

Ex/FW was an open cake-eater on my end, and very much resisted cutting ex/OW out of his life – they had soooo much history and she was his friend, how could I be that controlling! (Despite the fact that she was a garbage friend. I was too nice back then, but now I wish I had pointed it out… and then immediately left him to rot.) When we went on a two-day break, early in our relationship, he said we couldn’t see “other options” during that time. I didn’t have any other options, but even then I thought it was weird – I was certain he was seeing the ex/OW while he “figured things out” and sure enough, he later admitted to it, and to telling me that because he didn’t want to risk anyone else having me!

There’s no “confusion” in the cheating when it comes to the cheaters. Just us chumps who are confused.

Anna
Anna
30 days ago

During one of our many arguments about POS cheater’s betrayals, the POS looked at me and asked,”Are you not glad that I chose you over her?”.
Like he actually did something good.
I’m your wife, you POS, I should not feel happy because you chose me. This is not a fucking competition you moron with the disordered mind.
When I FINALLY realized that he was a two-faced fake and made it clear that the POS must FO, he was truly stunned and still believes that the consequences outweighed his despicable behavior. 😄

Chumpty Dumpty
Chumpty Dumpty
30 days ago

It’s a “preferred lifestyle to many”, ha!! Nothing I’ve read has telegraphed the mindset of these people better than the phrase “preferred lifestyle”. When you look at it that way… makes sense! It’s a great setup as long as you can get away with it! Thanks for framing it this way.

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
30 days ago

So true. I didn’t understand this. Once I saw the pattern, I couldn’t unsee it. My situation was lots of emotional affairs. One howorker he got drunk and banged her at a company party. I thought oh one drunken one night stand I can get past. But he had been grooming her for years. If you have an existing relationship with someone and it’s flirtatious, yes eventually something happens, especially when booze is involved. Women just looooove attention. All you gotta do is give them attention and say open sesame. You don’t even have to pay women! And sure men of character don’t say open sesame. And women of character don’t open. Always had some woman he was friendly with. There were different degrees to the friendship. Some I didn’t know about. His excuse was oh it’s networking I may need to find another job. He had a best friend female who got divorced. Yes I wasn’t his best friend, what an Ahole. I think she thought she would sail off into the sunset with FW, or thought there are so many eligible men out there at 58 that I can get another. She got tons of plastic surgery after her divorce, looks like a different person.

I think he just liked the dynamic of having his loyal wife appliance. Offered stability to him. Then he liked the dynamic of having these other women friends. He liked to seduce them emotionally and intellectually. He liked making women fall in love with him. He lived abroad for a year when we were first dating. I should’ve broken up with him then for good. But silly me said let’s date other people. He dated a woman, for a year, she fell in love with him. He can’t feel love, so he didn’t fall in love with her. He says they didn’t have sex. I wouldn’t have cared because I was dating others and having sex. I think he realized if he had sex with her, she would’ve lost her mind if he came back to America, she would’ve had to go with him or he stay there. Very catholic country. I heard his telling his last emotional AP howorker all about this woman. How she was totally in love with him, and it broke her heart when he went back to America and he was with me again. She had to get counseling to get over him and the situation. She should’ve understood he was telling howorker a cautionary tale. He was basically telling her the dynamic and what he likes to do to women. Seduce and discard. It’s a pleasurable game to him.

So for people who don’t think emotional affairs are damaging. They are wrong. Investing in another person is damaging to primary person. Am I being cherished? No. Am I being loved? No. Adored? No. Respected? No. I am doing those things for him, but it’s not mutual. And yes after many years of marriage its harder. But there are old married people who still love each other and hold hands. You can have that if you pick a person of character. That’s why choosing wisely treat kindly is so important.

Chumpolicious
Chumpolicious
30 days ago
Reply to  Chumpolicious

And it’s amazing how many women there are out there, billions, willing to line up for a married man. If you live or work in a large city the supply of AP is endless. You meet them everywhere.

Marco
Marco
30 days ago

A cheater can only eat cake if you feed it to them.

2xchump
2xchump
29 days ago

This This is the most staggering truth. It can go on FOR YEARS..5-10-20. If a cheater can maintain the #1 wife and the Ap(s) What a glorious set up for 🎂 cake and ongoing cake..forever. My two cheater tried hard to hide their secrets in the deepest basement buried from view. But the truth seeps out and it my case, the truth came out in demeaning me, DEVALUING,rages, depression sessions, complaining about me to others,even my children were targets.🎯🎯 of the smack downs Grow up,my first cheater told our 6 year old, you need more discipline!!! He checked out alot but then alas, some conscience and regrets would leach out of the ooze of an umbaked cake and I’d get the charm, trips to B&BS Marriage Encounter weekends, increasing prayer and church attendance…yes even more gentle sex. All a cycle of abuse which I had no idea was the secret cake eating behind my back. D day was only confirmation of cake eating as the crumbs and frosting were EVERYWHERE.

Stephen
Stephen
29 days ago

I read this article last night. I honestly do not think people who cheat actually think about much of anything when they cheat. They don’t start reasoning with themselves until they’ve been caught and then they say the quiet parts of their reasoning out loud. I think cheaters compartmentalize their lives so much that everyone around them is actually part of a compartment. Like athletes or movie stars, their home is their home, their work is their work, their fun time is their fun time – and never the twain shall meet until the twains meet. I think that is how they process continuing their shit too. “Hey, it is my life and you aren’t going to tell me what to do when we aren’t together.” That was actually said to me after D-day for the affair and then D-day for the drugs.

One last time
One last time
29 days ago

I guess I’m lucky that my FW wasn’t a huge cake eater. She definitely was before D Day, stringing me along, but her heart was set on the AP, convinced he would whisk her away to live happily ever after. He didn’t, she was just a little bit of fun for him, but she hung onto hope with him and threw me to the curb. So for a while we were both playing pickme, and both got shot down. This site is teaching me that I actually won in the end by losing my pickme dance.