Cheater Apology Fails
A main staple of the Universal Bullshit Translator’s diet are non-apology apologies. You know those waffly statements of vague intent, hinting in the passive voice that perhaps mistakes were made. They didn’t intend to offend you, but if you think there was a minor issue over this trifle, which hardly merits discussing… they’re sorry.
For what?
For all the things. Unnamed things. Fill in the blank.
(Chump proceeds to outline the multitude of crimes, cross referenced by offense, as a Hague war tribunal…)
Whoops! The remorse vibe is over. This is why they cannot apologize — you’re too ANGRY. Maybe if you could control your tone of voice (or that 30-slide PowerPoint presentation) they could find the sorry again, but you’re making this IMPOSSIBLE with your prompts and demands for specifics.
You want a reason? (Whirr goes the mindfuck blender…) You! You’re too (… here we suddenly have specifics.)
(Chump gives up. Gets a life.)
Hello? Someone is missing their centrality. They’ve had some time to think about it (Schmoopie dumped them. The calendar cleared.) And here’s a text. Apropos of nothing. They’re deeply… regretful… of how all of this pains them. They have a fond thought of you now and then. Boy, you really make good spaghetti/children/car payments! and they miss what you two (give or take a dozen Schmoopies) had.
No, of course it isn’t. It’s today’s Friday Challenge. Tell me all about your cheater apology fails. Did you get one? Was it at all satisfying? Utterly infuriating? Is it still stuck in the mail? Or purgatory? Did you feed it to a Lebkuchen-obsessed bullshit machine?
TGIF!
I still get them from time to time. It’s mostly when he turns on the self-pity channel. And then he’s oh so sad and remorseful about how he fucked up and how he misses his family. I used to go into explanations about how he had 10 second chances and blew them all and so here we are. And this always ended up in a fight, so I knew he wasn’t really remorseful, just a sad sausage because of the consequences and all the soft sweet cake that was taken away from him. Then I stopped participating. Or sometimes I just comment something like “go cry to somebody whose life you didn’t blow up, bye”. That works better.
The one common thing about these FW apologies is that they’re never truly sorry about what they did to you or what you went through, but always about where it got THEM and how painful the consequences are now for THEM. Boo hoo.
I agree it is primarily about the concequenceas and the hope to manipulate some way.
But I also think like in my ex’s case his letter said “I don’t know why I was such a dirt bag” it was in part an attemt for him to distance himself from the dirt bag he was, as in that dirt bag wasn’t me, it was some obscure thing that took me over. I can’t be that dirt bag. Even though he went on to be even more of a dirt bag to our son and sons family.
Yeah, he treated her like shit too once married. But honestly I don’t care about that; she knew he was a dirt bag, I didn’t; until I did.
Mine told me he didn’t owe me an apology because he’d already forgiven himself.
I’m amazed I didn’t beat his ass to death.
Wow. Unbelievable. He’s forgiven himself. Good for him. I wonder who’s been feeding him this narrative?
His ego. He’s so committed to protecting it that I’ve seen him repeatedly shoot himself in the foot rather than do the right thing, even when the right thing would benefit him… as evidenced by the fact it’s been 10 years since D-day and he’s still a hopeless fuckup who hasn’t moved up in the world one bit.
Ditto 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
You’ve hit the nail on the head there! I’ve not had anything resembling an apology, but he’s certainly pulled the sad sausage routine on me a fair few times. I did partially fall for it at first, but copped on before too long, thanks be to God, and from then on, he found my well of sympathy had dried up! Then he gave up!
But sympathy for ME? Nah, not a drop!
They don’t give a toss about anyone but themselves really!
I just remember the last apology I got. It was a classic. I sobbingly said to him, “It would help if you could just say you’re sorry!” He said, “I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time dealing with this.”
“I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time dealing with this.” This is EXACTLY how my ex dealt with any plea for an apology. (“I’m sorry this is your reaction.”) At first this response really insulted and angered me, but after a few weeks I got it: he would just always have this response, and thus I should never come to him again for any kind of moral reckoning or reparative gesture. It’s still sad, though, to have been betrayed this badly and then dealt with in this robotic way.
Robotic is a good description. It was very robotic. I think that is in part why I was thinking (at first) that he would snap back to who I knew. In hindsight and with financial forensics’ I realized he had been building a case against me for some time, and once someone dropped a dime on him, he flipped the switch to exit and the robot machinations kicked in.
The part about planning it for a long long time is true. My cheater had the rationale for his lies, >I drove him to it. He had the story line > it was my fault for not giving him what he needed. He had the thought process to punish me for ever saying No to him. It was my job that gave me PTSD so that I didn’t want to do what he needed me to do. Since it was always my fault, there was zero fault in him. So when I found out on D day, it was all my fault.
It’s helpful to me to read your comment, as I guess there’s a part of me that’s still struggling to accept that this “switch” was “flipped” in my own ex.
It is for sure painful.
What a piece of shit🤬🤬🤬
“I’m sorry I got caught,” is what mine said when we had this conversation
Probably one of the only honest things he ever said. 🤬
Klootzak only gives faux-pologies. Our entire marriage I always felt unsettled when he “apologized” yet somehow made it sound like he didn’t. My MOTH storytelling at Chumpalooza was about how I finally called him out on his BS. And now I hear him handing the same stupid fake apologies to our son.
Klootzak has never even faux apologized for fucking OW, though. He has no shame at all. Consequences will set in at the end of this year and then I expect he will pass self-pity and flip straight to rage. He couldn’t give a genuine apology if you paid him to so I will be quite pleased for him to not bother me with yet another faux-pology.
I cannot tell you how vindicating and satisfying it was to see FW’s face when the judge read the award giving me more than the 50/50 I asked for, and FW refused in two failed mediations. BOOM worth the hell and every penny of having to go to trial.
I think you’re spot on with that prediction. Knowing it’s coming is part of your superpower now.
Mine said almost nothing to me, but there was a whole sobbing apology before the church because he’d failed them as a deacon and ordination candidate.
It was always a show with that one, and I was the stage manager for far too long.
Yes, they always want you to help maintain their image, don’t they?
Read my comment on all my XH apologies before the church but never to me
Wow, how infuriating!
The flaming cheek of him apologising to them but not you, the person he’d vowed to be faithful to! Unreal!
I mean to say, he DOES owe God an apology if ye had a Christian marriage ceremony but for the love of all that’s Holy, the people at church are NOT God and he didn’t make and then break vows to THEM!!
What a thundering hypocritical git he is!
Mine was a beaut —
“First, I am sorry. I am sorry that we promised ‘forever’ to each other when we had no concept of what ‘forever’ meant. If there is fault in that promise, we both have that burden -— how can we blame each other for what we could never have possibly understood then? We were naive, we were clueless, we were still growing when we made our vows. We did not know that we would grow apart.”
In other words: “Shit happens. Not our fault.” (I was 36 when we married. She was 28. Mere infants, apparently.)
Ack! Ack! Ackety ack! UXworld, you win.
Unbelievable how they change the meaning of words to justify their behavior.
If it didn’t hurt so much, it would be laughable. That’s not an apology, that’s an excuse. And she’s still trying to figure out how to blame you, how to include you in her bullshit. These “apologies” are so worthless and they don’t make any difference anyway. They don’t change anything.
I think your basic first grader knows what forever means.
I don’t think my cheater apologized even once for the entire 10 years we were together.
We used to have huge fights when I would confront her about her controlling behavior, and after one such incident, she read me a diary entry she had written about it in which I was a pitiless monster who attacked her for no reason. She always had her own fictional version of what had happened, and I was always the enemy.
So no, she did not apologize for cheating. But I did get to hear from all of our mutual friends about how sorry and remorseful she was about the whole thing. I can’t get over that– she only apologized to the people she didn’t hurt.
I had felt that an apology would have made a big difference to me, but farther out I get, the less I care.
That is exactly how I feel. Absolutely no apology, just called the affair “a lapse in judgement”
Its hard as hell. I have been telling myself that this will help with closure, but I know it will not. And I doubt I’ll ever get one, anyway
Ugh, I can so relate to this. I never got an apology from my ex-wife when we got back together after her affairs. I was naive and should have seen that as a sign of her true character, not taking responsibility for her actions and not showing true remorse.
And like your ex, she was more willing to go to her friends and family and talk about our marriage and what her problems were with us, but not so much with me. Clearly, your ex (and mine) could communicate just fine, but not to the person to whom it mattered the most.
I’m glad that it matters less to you now. Trust that they suck helps with that, I hope.
She only wanted to impress them that she was still a good person at heart. Image management. Probably with a corollary that you are not.
“She only apologized to the people she didn’t hurt.”
This is just it, isn’t it? They put on a show, thinking we’ll never come out into the spotlight and expose them. They’re so sorry, and we’re heartless monsters who won’t forgive.
I’m sorry your FW never apologized. You deserved an apology. You deserve better than stage makeup and smoke.
“she read me a diary entry she had written about it in which I was a pitiless monster who attacked her for no reason.”
This deserves one of CL’s cartoons of the FW holding a book labeled; “The Memoirs of of a Perpetual Victim” and saying; “Here’s what my diary says about YOU, you monster!”
I found some notes my ex had written and it was ranting about how bad I was, but never any specific examples of things I had actually done. Playing the victim is classic cheater behavior, it seems.
Image management, dracaena. She didn’t feel she needed to manage her image with you because you had been ‘moved on’. But she could still use those other people and needed to keep them on side.
I never got an outright admission, never mind an apology, not even a “fauxpology”! Still haven’t!
I got blamed for not giving him the “Lurve I neeeed!” and for being “always on the computer!” and for his card being declined at a petrol station and that he “…couldn’t even buy a packet of fags! The SHAAAAME!”!
But yeah, nah! No apology whatsoever! And now I don’t even want one because it’d be a load of bollix!
My apology was in a letter. I only read it once quickly as I was on my way to my part time job, while living at the poverty line and all.
That night at work my wallet was stolen along with the letter I had tucked in it.
But, I remember the first line. “I don’t know why I acted like such a dirt bag” then some vague ramblings. It didn’t matter. D was well on the way, and he disgusted me by then.
He acted like a dirt bag because that’s what he is. A dog barks.
Yep, I do give him that he owned the dirt bag part. But, the only reason he wrote it was he was tryng to hoover me back. Not because he cared, but he found out I went on a date, and it pissed him off. Wasn’t supposed to play out that way. I guess I was to shrivel up and pine away.
Our D was also closing in after a long year of legal separation, and it is possible he panicked in an Oh Shit I am losing control way.
Who knows. Anyway I never answered the letter or responded in any way.
I never got an apology. Ex-Mrs LFTT knew what she did to the kids and I was wrong, but she was utterly unable to take responsibility; she just didn’t have the moral strength or depth of character to do the right thing.
In fact, the only time that I remember her using the word “sorry” in connection with our divorce was when she said (straight after swearing on her father’s grave that she was not having an affair) “I’m sorry, but we’ll have to get divorced … I would have suggested that we agree to an open marriage, but you lack the emotional maturity to make a relationship like that work.”
Not the kind of “sorry” I was looking for, but that’s a Cheater for you..
LFTT
“I never got an apology. Ex-Mrs LFTT knew what she did to the kids and I was wrong, but she was utterly unable to take responsibility.” Substitute Nurse FW for Ex-Mrs LFTT and I could’ve written this. FW would say that he knew he was a horrible person, he knew what he did was wrong, blah blah, but when I asked why he never apologized I got the lizard eyes and “What’s the point? It’s all in the past now.” As though my ongoing pain didn’t matter, I should just get over it like he has done. UGH
My therapist pointed out one time that if he was excusing himself from the consequences and effects of his choices and beliefs, no way would he apologize in a meaningful way. You have actually to believe that you did something wrong to apologize.
Sigh, though. So it was.
You just didn’t have the emotional maturity to be part of a harem. Shame on you!
Oh dear, “you lack the emotional maturity.” Horrid.
Ooooh! Another one with the cheek of the devil! Da bleedin” HACK of her, as they say in Dublin!
LFTT, the ex was the same and he really did not think he had done anything wrong. People have said, ‘he was ashamed, embarrassed, blah blah’. The truth is that, in his undeveloped, lizard brain, it was all my fault and he had always been in love with his exgfOW so what did I expect! He could have said at any time ‘you know, I’m still in love with my exgf’ and I would have said ‘ok, goodbye’. But, hey, my fault for not being a mind reader! You’ve got to laugh about it!
MW,
Ex-Mrs LFTT knew damn well that what she had done was wrong …… if she didn’t think that it was wrong she wouldn’t have gone to such lengths (and told so many egregious lies) to try and cover it all up.
LFTT
Their mind-think is just so bizarre that you have to laugh at all of the non-apologies. However, before I could do that, i.e., laugh, I had to distance myself emotionally. That took several years. The excuses they come up with to justify their behavior are just so absurd. Like Mrs. LFTT. She said that he lacked the emotional maturity to make an open-marriage relationship work. How freaking bizarre! And she probably believed it. I hope he can laugh at it now!
AC,
I laughed about it to her face as soon as she said it and I told her that whatever the problem was, it certainly wasn’t my emotional maturity. It was funny in a “how the f*ck can you say that with a straight face” kind of way back then. Now it’s funny in a “I was married to a lunatic” kind of way.
Anyway, she’s her AP’s problem now and he’s welcome to her.
LFTT
“Now it’s funny in a ‘I was married to a lunatic’ kind of way.” LFFT, this made me chuckle.
I wonder if he has the emotional maturity to be part of a harem…..
M,
I wouldn’t know ether way, but the poor bastard now lives with Ex-Mrs LFTT.
Sucks to be him whichever way you cut it.
LFTT
I think after they blow up their marriages for this bullshit, they’re kind of stuck with each other because they don’t want to admit they made a terrible “mistake”….that their bad judgment and behavior didn’t work out and they probably recognize that it’s not gonna turn out much better with anyone else either. My guess is they probably both cheat on each other but thankfully, it’s not your concern. I do have to laugh though, at the holes they so often dig for themselves while engaging in their fantasy lives. When you marry someone you cheated with….you always have to wonder.
FW never apologized for the cheating, never apologized for “waking up in his hotel room in Africa with a prozzie giving him a blow job and BTW we might both need to get tested”, never apologized for “almost cheating on me with that gorgeous woman in Brazil” (it was probably a man – ha ha, that would have been wonderful). Nope, no apology because as far as the skank went he had already rewritten history in his mind that we “had already agreed to split anyway”!!! Nor did he ever apologize for the repeated beatings he dished out. Nope never! Maybe a year after he moved back to the States I got an email asking him to write up something about “when he started to abuse me” (it was for his shrink), so could I take 10 minutes or 10 days to write something up? First thought was “yep, now you’re gonna hear it all AH”, followed by “no, I don’t want to push him over the edge because of my kids”, and then finally “go f yourself buster, I’ve got paint to go watch dry”! So I never responded and I’m so glad that was the path I took! But I never got an apology for anything!
Yet another one!?
I tell you, they’ve more cheek than Kim Kardashian’s arse!
Oh, I’m sure it would have been twisted somehow, someway to make it all your fault. I’m glad the paint was much more fascinating.
So glad you didn’t respond Attie. The entitlement of the alleged man!
“asking ME to write up something”!!!
Closest I got was when the ex said he was ‘saddened’ when I suggested that he seemed angry! He was giving off the aura of anger but, silly me, I was mistaken. He was ‘saddened’ by something that dare not speak its name. The ex was such a consummate liar that an apology would have been empty and you can’t apologise for something you don’t admit.
I got one “I’m so sorry for everything” when it was discovered the Ex lied about where he was and had spent at least 3 nights in a row at his COW’s house. It was self serving though as he realized I was not letting him come back home and was quickly followed up by a guilt trip because he had “nowhere else to go.” That’s the only one I remember since the rest of the time he was only sorry that he confirmed the affair because “I didn’t know you’d react so badly!” Like most chumps my being angry, crying, anxious, etc hurt him and his COW far more than the pain I was experiencing. His (and the COW’s) pain became more excuses for why he’d refuse to give up his affair while me and our child’s pain was ignored. He did apologize to the COW for their relationship/work being blown up due to being discovered. Thank god for divorce.
I suppose it counts as an apology fail if there’s no apologizing at all, only explanations.
It’s become really complicated for me to log into this site. I have to verify I’m a human first now, then it takes two attempts after to log in. My comments will sometimes sit in moderation even after all this. Oy. Hitting the up button is somewhat difficult too, or that may just be me lol.
Anywho, my ex never apologized. He apparently thought if he explained it enough about finding twu wuv… that that was good enough. It was all “me, me & me” with him. He’s seeing the repercussions now though: thinking he could just swap Schmoopie in hasn’t worked. His family & our kids don’t like her. Their opinion has nothing to do with me, Schmoopie is just phony & superficial. Just his type.
Please screen shot and send me anything that’s out of the ordinary. Some comments do go to moderation (often if there are links). I don’t control that, and unfortunately it’s necessary to keep out spam. If I’m not in front of my laptop, I don’t see the queue. I will approve all comments in time.
Thanks. Will do!
I got boatloads of them, followed by the usual disclaimers; “It just happened!” “I just fell in love!” “I didn’t do it in purpose!”
Then, of course, he tried different tactics, since those weren’t working. He tried admitting he was 100% at fault and it was 100% wrong. The trouble was, he would slip in passive aggressive little digs at other times about how “nice” OW was (she was actually a toxic, psychopathic bitch) and the standard ILYBINILWY, followed hastily by; “Not that that’s any excuse of course.” I can’t even count the number of “epiphanies” he claimed to have. There was lots of self pity, including alleged suicidal ideation. 🙄 I’m pretty site hat was meant to coerce me into forgiving him.
I wasn’t buying any of it. Cue the rage. When I left him, he went back to his demonization of me, exactly as he had done when he was cheating. Since he was doing it in his own head 99.9% of the time and raging silently in an empty house (it was only occasionally when I was forced to see him that it impacted me) it was just pathetic. I liken it to a crazy old man shouting and shaking his fist at the damage from a fire he set himself.
” damage from a fire he set himself.”
Such a good analogy. That seems to describe my ex. He definitely burned down his life as he knew it. Oh I don’t think he thought that was going to happen. My guess is he figured he would just switch out old wife for new, go through a few struggles and then reclaim his life as it was. Susie would fade away, (which she did). He would still have his cozy office, his captains bars and the respect of the community. People would get to know schmoops and love her because he loved her, after all I am sure in his mind that is why people liked me. Whoopsie. And I am sure he blamed me for it, then he blamed the mayor, then he blamed his own son, I am sure there were others.
“My guess is he figured he would just switch out old wife for new, go through a few struggles and then reclaim his life as it was.”
Yes, that’s how they think. Of course everything will go smoothly, and you’ll go quietly, because they are speshul snowfwakes and don’t do hard stuff. They get an education when reality kicks them in the ass.
Why just yesterday I was talking to my son and he said that his dad told him, “It didn’t turn out like I thought it would.” They had been talking about his new life with the wifetress. Go figure. You wouldda thunk?!
I wonder how long it takes for these guys to think “hmm I wonder why it isn’t as exciting with schmoops anymore” I mean they will fix that, but it is kind of funny.
I can’t speak for others but my ex was for the last year, acting like a hormone crazed teenager, and I bet he thought he had found the mother load, and it would last forever.
Shocker of the year! OW isn’t a goddess after all!
Leaving is always like letting go of the tiger’s tail. There will be character assassinations. It doesn’t matter what goopy noises they were making right before– it always ends with demonization, the same as with batterers.
Yeah. FW gave a lot of lip service to blaming himself, but that’s all it was and I knew it. You just don’t do the things he did if you have the ability to genuinely be accountable for your actions.
If it only it was merely a deficit of accountability! But that “accountability” has to go somewhere. Like Khaled Hosseini wrote in A Thousand Splendid Suns, “Like a compass needle that points north, a man’s accusing finger always finds a woman. Always.” But for the sake of he-chumps, change “woman” to “chump” and it becomes more universal.
That’s a wonderful quote. Thanks for that.
My wasband had a single multipurpose recyclable Nopology he used whenever I tried to talk to him about something utterly cruel he’d said or done:
“I don’t remember saying that, but if I did I shouldn’t have and I’m sorry.”
Only after D-day it became clear to me the pattern: He’d have some liaison with a prostitute all set up and then his nagging annoying wife would NEED something like, you know, help with the baby while she was COMPLAINING ENDLESSLY that she couldn’t drive or even stand up with the c-section incision still unhealed!
So he’d unleash a barrage of the cruelest things he could possibly say and while I’m defending myself from this absolute shotgun blast of crazy falsehoods, he’d storm out of the house and disappear for a few hours.
Then he’d come home and act like everything was normal. I only understood the pattern after I’d endured over two decades of it, after I’d discovered his real agenda, and I saw him blow up at my daughter and do the exact same trick.
I no longer ask for his apologies. I’m not interested in hearing his phony-ass excuses.
This is what I got in my email right after he told me he was leaving me for his intern and left the house. He had written it the night before. It’s a doozy of an “apology”. Buckle up.
You may read this letter tomorrow evening, or maybe many days after, though hopefully
sometime. You may very well discount or disregard everything that I will say in this letter, which would be very understandable. Though I do hope that you read it, and I certainly know that I had to write it and send it to you.
What I tell you tomorrow afternoon will be the hardest thing that I will have ever done in my life, because I will be hurting you deeply. I was about to write that it will also be the saddest day in my life, though I think, rather, that my saddest day was the day not too long ago on which I realized that tomorrow was inevitable, that tomorrow was necessary. I do know that I experienced intense sadness today – I almost burst into tears several times during the drive home from SKI HILL and again when SPECIAL SONG played on the radio during our last dinner together as a family of five this evening. I am tearing up as I write this letter. I am not trying to elicit your sympathy, which I suspect will not be forthcoming, but I nevertheless wish to share with you what my emotions were and are.
“Why?”, is surely the question. Though “I don’t really know”, is nevertheless the answer. I don’t know why I fell out of love with you over the past two or three years. I don’t know why it seems that I always rather speak to everyone else in the room at a party or a dinner rather than to you. I don’t know why I rather do group events than dates with you. I don’t know why I often rather stay at work than come home. I really can’t explain it. For you remain the same beautiful, intelligent, witty and caring woman whom I first met in 2000. You have been and will always be the perfect mother toTHREE KIDS. You have lovingly and selflessly supported me, my career and my other activities and interests. I am proud of you and I admire you. We met when we were relatively young. We bonded and nested – as so many nascent New York City couples did – in the context of the horror of 9/11 and its aftermath. We travelled, we married, we moved, you sacrificed, we had three amazing boys and we grew and matured. I still love you and I believe that I always will.
But I am no longer in love with you. I have speculated a lot about why, and I will likely explain a few thoughts that I have tomorrow afternoon. As I have grown to realize that I have fallen out of love over the past few years, my initial reaction, of course, was to try to fix it. But I was immediately struck with a scary and unexplainable combination of not believing that it was fixable and not actually wanting to fix it in any case. I tried to consider what I was feeling as a normal “down” within the ups and down of a marriage. But I realized that it was more than that. Ours became more like a brother-and-sister relationship (and often a quarrelsome pair at that!).
This saddened me incredibly. I have basically been very sad and very unhappy over the past two or three years. And this sadness and unhappiness then grew because of the realization that I will not grow old with you. That our family unit will not remain intact. That I would break my promise to be with you until death do us part. That you will not be able to count on me in the same way that you once could.
I did not consciously go looking for new love after I fell out of love with you. (This will surely provide very little or no consolidation to you given the circumstances, but I wish to tell you that I never cheated on you or tried to cheat on you before VERY YOUNG INTERN WHO MARRIED HER HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEART IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AFFAIR. You are married to a cheater, I’m afraid, but not some sort of serial cheater the stories about whom will come out of the woodwork in the weeks to come. Pre-2015 CHEATING DICKHEAD never cheated on you or on any other woman. Though this is clearly but a historical footnote now.) But I suppose that my mind and heart were unconsciously open to new love and affection. And then it happened. My first reaction – and hers – was to recoil. “How could I even explore this?”, was certainly my first thought. But as I thought about it more, and thought about my unhappiness and my sadness, it became, in my mind, the only option. My only option for current and future happiness was this. I fell in love. I wanted and want to be happy. I wanted my relationship unhappiness to end. I contemplated me being on my deathbed reflecting back on me having passed up this love, and the thought utterly crushed me.
I believe that we splitting up will, in the long run, make both of us much happier. I’m aware of how convenient for me such a statement is. But as much as I am trying to find my own
happiness, I know that you deserve to be happy at least as much as I do. You deserve to be with someone who is madly in love with you, or at least to not be stuck with someone who is not. I want you to be happy.
You may ask how I can do this to our sons. I know that in our parents’ day (or certainly our
grandparents’ day), most people in my position would simply suck it up and forge ahead in an unhappy marriage. For better or for worse meant exactly that. But, ignoring my own happiness or lack thereof, would that really assure your happiness? And the boys’ happiness? As my growing sadness causes our relationship to disintegrate further in front of your eyes and theirs together with all of the consequences of that?
I have very recently read extensively about the affects of divorce on children. I’m cognizant of the disruption that I will be causing them (and, of course, you). But I know that as the children of two intelligent and caring parents who love them profoundly, and as children who have the benefit of substantial financial support, that they will continue to be great, normal and well adjusted kids. They will not be deprived of my love, affection and rearing. I dare say that they will likely see more of me in a pure fatherly role than they have before. The point of all of this is not a scheme for me to try to become a better father, of course, but I believe that it will likely be an unintended consequence.
Our relationship as husband and wife has come to an end. This is not the part of the letter
where I ask, “Can we be friends?”. But I know that we will continue to parent our boys, and we will surely be collaborating in connection with this all-important role for decades to come. I cannot think of a better co-parent than you.
Hurting you pains me more than you will likely ever concede. It has caused me to question my morals, my ethics, my character, my heart, my very essence. But I’m able to be at peace (I think) what I’m about to do (and what I have already done) because I believe that it is the only path of happiness for me over (I hope) the next four plus decades, and I believe that, indirectly, it will also improve your and the boys’ happiness.
This paragraph is miles from being sufficient. But I nevertheless want to apologize with
everything in my soul for having broken my vows, for not having it in my heart and my mind to continue being in love with you and for the hurt I’m about to cause you. You deserved better than this. You deserve better than me. And I want to thank you for your amazingly selfless love and support over 15 years. In the end, I didn’t deserve it, but I benefitted from it greatly and I will never forget it.
MAISYL, you are an amazing wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, ETC. You are passionate about your family and friends and about important causes. You are thoroughly genuine. You are a better person than I am, and I will likely regret that until a draw my last breath.
This brief letter certainly does not do our fifteen-year relationship justice. But it encapsulates a few of my thoughts and feelings on the night before I will do the most difficult thing in my life. I need to stop writing now. Although you are asleep on the couch, I’m crying my eyes out and I’m afraid you will awaken and see me. Indeed, I want to explain everything to you right now, but I cannot with the boys in the house.
Love,
CHEATING DICKHEAD
How many times did he write “I” in this “apology” letter? The whole thing is about him. I I I I I I met me me me – he sounds like a flock of seagulls. He’s only in love with himself. And always will be.
Wow, what a maudlin, pompous piece of shit. You can literally feel how impressed he is with himself. I laughed out loud when I read how you ascribed his “name” to the letter. The only truth in that letter is, you do deserve better. Here’s to wishing you well in your badass journey through life without him MaisyL.
You sound amazing!
You’re so sweet. I thought I was ok, but I guess i was also getting old. Just before emailing this letter to me he had told me that he was “too good to be married to a 40 year old woman.” I was 39, so time was ticking.
Too good to be married to a 40-year-old woman? What does that even mean? He ages but his spouse cannot? He will never be with someone older than 40? WHAT?!
My God, woman, you must have the saintly patience of an early Christian martyr because I would have gone after this rotten son of a bitch with a blowtorch and machete. OMG, that letter is just the end. What that entire screed boils down to is this: I ONLY CARE ABOUT MY OWN HAPPINESS AND FUCK YOU AND THE KIDS. That’s it. You deserve better than me so I can escape with Schmoopie and the kids will be fine because I say so. What a total flaming asshole. If I received this it would have made me even angrier than the cheating and I’d tell him to go burn in hell with Schmoopie and I’d fuck him over at every turn. What a loathsome asshole.
This asshole should write for soap operas.
“Brief”? That was a brief letter?! What a dick! And he is so full of himself. I’m glad you only had 15 years with him. I somehow got sucked into 30 years with my former dickhead. But he’s so, so right. You are a better person than him. Oh MAISYL, if you haven’t found out yet (because you’re probably still fighting the dickhead), you are going to be so much happier without him in your life. Not dealing with fuckwits messing up your head makes life so peaceful. I’m so happy these days. (9 years post divorce.)
These cheaters will always say how much happier you will be without them. It’s the same as being given a little bit of poison every day and then one day the poisoning stops. And you feel better. Because the abuse stops!!!!! Of course you’ll feel better!!!
You win MaisyL. (sorry for that) This puts my FW’s drivel to shame.
LOL UXworld. That’s quite an honor I never wanted! 😉
MaisyL, that creep’s letter to you really takes the cake. You are so well rid of that self-serving, bogus to the core creep. You are worth a hundred of him.
Oooh, that one’s crying out for the UBT… and a high five across the face with a folding chair. You know what I read in it? Masked sadism and psychic cock-blocking. He can’t stand the idea that you’re going to move on and the kids might one day be calling someone else “dad” so he’s trying to gut and hobble you emotionally in the hopes you’ll be too psychologically injured to ever love again. He’s also trying to convince himself no one will ever want you. But he can’t believe it fully if he doesn’t make you believe it.
The reason I know this in my gut is because in my dating life before marriage I had broken it off with a few people who weren’t good matches but it was all about building them up because I genuinely wanted them to move on unscathed, both because I felt a bit guilty and also because, you know, it might cut down on any fallout or potential stalking. To do anything else in a situation like this belies the reverse of the stated intent.
Also a bit of a warning– people who mask dependency and territoriality this nastily can go apeshit when they realize former victims have moved on.
Could this be the one that breaks UBT? There’s a lot of high fructose corn syrup in that.
I’m not intimidated. I’ve seen this kind of “while I pretend to regretfully telling the hard truth, I so dearly want to amplify any pain, psychic injury and sense of rejection to my victim inorder externalize my own terror and self loathing” thing before. There are even historical political parallels for it. I think the UBT would pull through. Maybe it would require an extra cookie and some WD40.
An extra cookie has often pulled me through!
Well that was some bad grammar and spelling. But if I re-enable spellcheck, the word “duck” appears in my comments a lot. :/
If anyone is wondering, he played hardball on finances and custody during the divorce, we’ve been to court four times with another date probably coming up over child expenses he refuses to pay, and he’s recently called me “brazen”, “the worst co-parent in the world”, “manipulative”, “someone people can’t stand to be around” a “failure as a mother” …and somehow I’m not feeling all that “love” he apparently still had for me.
Please tell me it didn’t work out between this waste of oxygen and internBarbie. Oh, wait, she had gotten married, so maybe she stayed with her chump.
I hope you and your kids are thriving without this sadist.
They had a pact to blow up their marriages in the same weekend. I doubt she’d even finished opening all of her wedding gfits.
Six months after our divorce was final, he married her. On my birthday. Already pregnant.
Ooooh! He’s pure poison, isn’t he?!
I hope the courts can see right through him! I bet you can’t wait to get shot of him once and for all?
MaisyL, this chasm between the “self” he presents in the letter and the real self that came out when the mask fell is amazing! I’m just sitting here saying to myself “uh…uh..OH…”
He actually got me alone the day he told me he was leaving for the intern (the day after we had skied together as a family all day) by telling me we were finally ready to buy our dream home – he had the finances all together and wanted to sit down and go over our plan for our forever home. so…yeah…then it was “Actually all that was a lie. There will be no home because there will be no marriage because I’m leaving you.” He was a remains a seriously twisted individual. He enjoyed causing me more pain by having me crash down from the high I was on dreaming about our beautiful new home.
I think he and my ex sound so so similar. Incredible narcissists…every word and action is manipulative and he’s so so angry you didn’t slink away with nothing, and become his PR agency to boot so he still has good standing, with you appear to be his bestie, and he can still have his power and control. They FLIP OUT when their plan for us goes awry.
Yikes! As you say, this is just so twisted. And this cruel “gotcha” was less than 24 hours after he penned that soggily sentimental apology letter!
When I read the stories fellow chumps relate about their sadistic exes, and also when I think about my own two cheating ex-husbands (though only one of them was viciously sadistic, and the other was just a jerk), I often think to myself “I’m SO GLAD I’m not like these people.” It’s just hard to imagine how it would be to live as someone whose mind falls into disconnected “panels”–tenderness speaking at one moment, cruelty at the next, and so on.
Yup. Cue the rage when you grow a spine and call out this bullshit for what it is.
I knew it. I’m sorry.
I asked my attorney during the intake if people ever called these things off or remarried. I knew it had to be, but it just didn’t feel good sitting there with a stranger talking about ending my marriage of several decades. My attorney was a kind soul with me while being a giant in the legal community, but I’ll never forget what he said next: “From my chair, you need to see how this plays out. Sometimes, you find out just how little they think of you during divorce.”
Exactly. If they genuinely valued us like they say, they would be reasonable. But they aren’t. They project all of their guilt and ugly on us.
My legal team was solid and fair in their billing, but it did NOT need to be long and expensive like it was.
Wow! I am flabbergasted by this asshat’s ability to trot out that many hypocritical and false statements in one go. He could give lessons to politicians.
The picture he painted of him tearing up on the way home from the ski hill is insane. Yes, because that’s anyone would do when faced with the possibility of being blinded by tears- ski, then drive home.
When I think about the email apology I received, what I remember most was not the hollow apology, but that it contained an admission that I and my attorney needed to prove adultery and negotiate our settlement. At that point, nothing he could have said or done would have made one bit of difference. I was done.
What stands out to me now is how many people have commented over the years since as to how much he must miss me—how lonely he must be—or how I did so much for him that surely he must feel a void in his life. (insert eye roll here) I know they are well-meaning, but honestly, I do grow a bit weary of hearing it, knowing he was/is/and will always be completely incapable of the same range of human emotion and connection they know and understand. My pat response? Consequences are a bitch.
I still get some stray comments like this even though he’s been gone for years now. They think he must somehow regret what he “lost.” I don’t think he regrets that at all. I think he chose what he chose. He would have behaved very, very differently if he had truly regretted what he did, particularly in the divorce process.
It sounds more like other people are making statements about you than the exFW– that you don’t seem “leave-able” and you also seem very “miss-able” and they’re baffled why anyone would risk losing you.
I think this is very true – that’s how I would take it. It’s a compliment to TDMC.
I think it is hard for folks who have not had the experience of getting how hollow these people are.
For the most part if they had any real emotions or deepness it wouldn’t have played out the way it did.
I used to think that as well. But then I read a very interesting theory about how Cluster B types are so intensely and overwhelmingly affected by infantile emotions and needs that these eclipse all other perceptions, including basic empathy. As CL would probably argue, what does it matter if the end result is a self-absorbed piece of shit? But I tend to be interested in the minutiae on some geeky level.
Interesting.
I honestly didn’t think much about it after I was able to function and move forward. For years. But then he and wife tress started in on my son. Then I started researching. I just felt something was terribly wrong with this guy. It amazed me that he seemed to find someone right at his level.
And no it absolutely does not matter, not in his life 9he didn’t care) and certainly not in mine. While it hurt like heck, once I went on with my life I did very well.
I agree. These type of people don’t ‘regret’ the people they cast aside. They regret that their new lives didn’t turn out like they thought they would. That’s okay. They’ll just cast blame and go out and start another life. Why? Because they deserve to be happy. As you say, there is no depth to them at all. What you see is what you get. …. and then they get old and they’re not such the catch they thought they were.
The apologies were thin because he heaped 95% of the blame on me. He said that “if” he cheated during our long-distance separation (he took off), it would be my fault. As if I would be there to unzip his pants for him? Then he was vague about how he was spending his time and eventually, we stopped talking on the phone. I think he didn’t like some of the questions I asked.
When he finally called to say that he wanted a divorce, his apology was, “I botched up.” Then he changed the subject. The fact that he did that by phone spoke volumes. My attorney reacted strongly to that and said, “So what was your husband hiding?”
Yup…
Of course, a favorite nonapology apology “I’m sorry if what I did hurt you, but” first, any “but” after an apology negates an apology. Second, he was not apologizing for what he did, just that you were so sensitive that it hurt you!
Love this Friday’s challenge, chump lady!
In the nine years since Dday, I’ve received a few insincere “sorry” texts. He has NEVER been sorry he lied to me, devastated me and our four kids, abandoned our pets…. He’s a diagnosed narcissist with BPD/possibly a sociopath, alcoholic/addict, prolific liar. MOSTLY, he felt rage that I told him to GTFO, filed, got a court to award me 82% of assets and full custody, went no contact, studied for and passed the CA bar exam and got promotion after promotion, found someone new, am happy, got engaged, and the kids and I are super close. In addition to rage, he also feels self pity that that we (kids and I) continue to set boundaries. Too bad so sad… not!
His ass is sorry. He’s a sorry ass.
“I am no that person anymore.”
That’s it.
So I need to be over this pout and move on. Me holding on to old stuff is why we can’t be chums and reminisce about good times.
My D-Day was three months ago today. Apart from being reflective today, it’s still pretty fresh.
She was of course sorry that I was so hurt(parentheses: “I’m not sorry for the choice I made because I NEED TO BE HAPPY. I didn’t actually think that getting your heart broken would be so upsetting!) She told me it wasn’t my fault. And then proceeded to give a list of things she hated about me and that ruined the relationship. And then told me that she cheated because I wasn’t making her happy anymore but still wants to be friends but the relationship is over, no take-backs, and oh by the way good luck paying my side of the expenses effective seven days from now because I already have another place.
We had couples counseling about 10 days later (she had scheduled it without asking me first, apparently to break the news. I guess I inadvertently triggered D-Day ahead of her scenarios?) She ran back the apology on the basis that I had “two years worth of notice.” The mental gymnastics are strong with that one. I had received exactly one ultimatum and that was about a year ago(which by the way was the day immediately following my getting a life changing medical diagnosis). I didn’t win the Pick Me Dance, so I guess that adds another year?
Then she proceeds to double down on why I shouldn’t be so hurt and that she doesn’t feel like she should have to fix anything for us to still be friends. She did stumble when I called her out on that-she said that between the apology and her moving out (which, after all, she did for me even though I begged her to stay initially) I should be happy that she still wants to be friends. I…guess that makes up for betraying everything I believe in and throwing away 14 years of friendship and losing my best friend.
Summoning my newfound Chumplady knowledge, when she got smug and said she cheated because I wasn’t making her happy, she actually stormed out after I said “No, you cheated because you chose to.”
You know it’s bad when even the therapist says something to the effect of “you don’t just trip while walking and fall on some (perjorative for phallus).”
Have a mighty weekend all!
Similar to my story. Except she stayed in the house a month and a half post D-Day. And wants us to stay friends. I’m somewhat embarrassed to say I’ve been Dancing and taking hopium. I found CL about 3 months ago and this site LACGAL and Tell Me How You’re Mighty have helped me greatly. It’s still rough, my hopium addiction is severe and I still struggle with the lingering thoughts
And I bet that month and a half were awkward as all hell-the 10 days of mind games before mine unceremoniously moved out (ahead of the agreed upon schedule, no less) were not days I look fondly back on, even given the magnitude of the rest of the loss.
Three months on and I still get the occasional pangs(the rest of the day after I responded up there was a bit rough-I do not do well with any kind of negative anniversary, classically-and Christmas is coming!) No contact has helped pretty dramatically in that department overall-the rough days are fewer, further between, and less intense overall but still do very much happen.
Therapy and the lack of contact have given me a lot of the calm space and perspective to see just how abusive she was, that infidelity is abuse, and how I put up with way more than I ever should have(and help me work through my own hopium addiction and coming to terms with losing a Pick Me Dance I was never going to win.)
I come here for my daily affirmations and it has helped a lot. The last year of my life has been very isolating…coming here lets me know that I am (not) alone.
I think we’ve all had our shame of embarrassment concerning all of this…Heaven knows I do. I like how my therapist put it-“it’s not pathetic, it’s desperation.” Love is a wonderful thing that is worth fighting for. That being said…if I’ve learned anything in the last three months, it’s that my days of fighting for a love that I am the only one that really wants are over.
I wish you the best of luck with yours all the same. Stay mighty!
While I haven’t been treated so badly by a mate (my first cheater left me without a word and never heard or saw him again after several years together – no explanation, nothing. Up and left the state entirely.) I had a best friend many years ago who treated me very badly like your ex. She stole a new job (which would have changed my life) out from under me when I went on a 3 week vacation, and did some other really shitty things right after that (I went through a very bad period for several years of ill health, job changes, family illnesses/death). She also was screwing her married boss and got him to leave his long time wife after that. So a shitty person all around and not just to me…..shitty people don’t make good friends and your Ex is a shitty person. She probably shits on other people too but you may not know about it. People like this like to “stay friends” because of image management and they also think they can control you from telling other people just how shitty they are. A cheater and a back stabber always have to be aware of what’s going on around them because they can never really trust anyone. They see themselves reflected in others. NOT WIFE MATERIAL – NOT FRIEND MATERIAL.
Tell her your friends don’t lie, cheat and shit all over you and leave you when you have a serious medical problem. That’s what enemies do.
I’m glad you found Chumplady early, so you could counteract the mindfuck. I’m hoping you realize how much better off you are without her in your life. She was never your best friend. You just thought she was. Friends don’t treat their friends like that and then toddle off saying they deserve to be happy.
Hi JW,
I send you love & support.
I’m 5 months out of discovering my 35 yr marriage was full of call girls, sugar babies and embezzlement of 2/3 of marital assets. I received a difficult diagnosis 4 years ago. The month before DDay, on my 60th BDay he wrote me a beautiful love letter with promises for the future and then after dinner he showed me & our adult children the 3 homes in Hawaii he thought would be perfect for us—even though he knew all the money was gone.
BUT
I already see my situation is not hopeless.
I have no STDs (we were having sex 2-3 times a week and he was seeing a professional 1-2 times per week.)
I have a separation agreement in place.
My new doctors have a new plan that has made a huge difference in my function and my prognosis.
There is so much wisdom on this website. Practical suggestions for moving forward, hugs when needed, and a great attitude of reframing these awful betrayals as the tantrums of the dysregulated. I know I will be able to laugh about his comments—someday. Now I just seek support and send support.
GOOD LUCK!
“Tantrums of the dysregulated”! I love this!
I suppose if one is not so selective one could trip and fall on a pejorative for phallus. But what I’ve seen of the types of men who’d bang a woman in a committed relationship is… ew, ew, yuck, blech, retch, vat of bleach please.
My eX’s apology is stuck somewhere in purgatory. It never happened. Here is what I heard from him after my D-day and I sent him my “Dear John” letter of goodbye and doorslammed him (on D-day):
Responses from eX: (some are quotes, some are ‘paraphrased’)
1.I didn’t! Why would I do that?
2.I got hacked.
3.It’s not real, what you see there with your own eyes.
4.The computer scientist specialist in Netherlands said that someone was likely able to place the fake text conversations between myself and prostitutes, on my devices, in order threaten to expose me to the world to blackmail me for money. It’s a scam!
5.You have been keeping secrets from me for 35 years about your undisclosed childhood sexual abuse that has affected our marriage and made you sexually inhibited and resistant to my abusive sexual coercion!
6.You know that you have lifelong undiagnosed and untreated mental illness that you really need to address and everyone knows it.
7.Have YOU been having sex with anyone? What secrets are YOU keeping?
Mindfucker extrordanaire!
The only thing they can see in others are mirrors of themselves. It’s the way they think.
Gosh, these types have a playbook, don’t they?
My ex painted me as a crazy, dangerous woman to anyone who would listen, including his attorney. Thankfully, his attorney figured that lie out, even telling mine some months in that he knew that attorney to be very careful in choosing his clients and no way was I THAT bad if my attorney had agreed to represent me.
It was all your fault with all your secrets! Why can’t you see it and admit it!? Yep. He was a mindfucker extraordinaire for sure! I’m glad he’s not your husband anymore.
I feel you on this one, and I’m so sorry you dealt with that. It takes a special brand of FW to turn exposure into an attack. I have the same kind of FW, though the female version. Same tactics — everyone knows I’m crazy. Everyone knows her affairs weren’t affairs. She wasn’t still in contact with her AP partners, and the evidence I had was just somehow wrong (not as creative as what you got!). My refusal to believe her means I’m making up victimhood.
Because I worked in political advocacy for many years, I have a habit of extrapolating FW alibis into political apologias. You know, like alibis for genocide and colonialism. Those darned African slaves were just making up victimhood. They “manifested” their trauma through “negative thinking.” And Holocaust victims simply had “low self esteem” and imagined persecution.
I recommend taking all FW utterances to logical extremes as a means of exposing the absolute perversity of FW rationalizations, blame-shifting and minimization of harm. In the end, it’s exposed as criminal thinking. The end.
I never received an apology. He expressed regret, and thought I would be happy with the fact that he didn’t need the Viagra (which he secretly obtained) when he was with me.
Porn junkies and sexual exploiters/objectifiers always end up with premature ED and on Viagra. I’m not religious but I still find it to be hilariously like some kind of biblical punishment for sexual vapidness and userism.
After telling me he is in love with an engaged coworker more than a decade younger than him, and he was sad she was moving away and he’d never see her again, and then getting mad at me for not feeling sorry for him, I got a 10 minute phone call with:
“That was a lot to dump on you. Regardless of how I was feeling at the time I could have handled that better.
…that’s it.”
Wow. I feel so validated. *eyeroll*
Could have handled that “apology” better too…
From an official OFW email 2 1/2 years after DDay:
I wanted to apologize for what I said to you on {D-Day}. I knew the divorce papers would arrive on Monday morning and I was angry.
Anything that happened on {the day after D-Day} had nothing to do with you and you know it. I just gave you ammo to shoot me in court.
So to recap: it was my fault that he lost his shit on DDay and yelled, insulted, threatened, intimidated me, etc. And the “anything that happened” was him threatening me with the multiple guns he kept in the house. Which, unsurprisingly, I did think had something to do with me. So, yeah you better believe I used that to get a Protective Order, sole custody and a fault divorce. #Who’sSorryNow
Domestic batterer rule #358: it’s always the fault of the victim when batterers lose their shit. On some super-Freudian level, victims secretly really “wanted” their batterers to go apeshit and instigated a traumatic altercation. Because batterers aren’t bad and inordinately rageful and violent people all by themselves (no!), they require scheming instigation on the part of victims to cause them to be rageful and violent people! Not their fault!
I was an advocate for survivors of DV. All batterers have the same rationalization for “losing control.” It gets old.
I got “I’m really sorry about the mistakes I made BUT I was gonna leave anyway”. A sorry BUT is an apology bro.
I guess the plus side of being left abruptly on DDay is that there were no wishy washy apologies. I had no say one way or the other — he was leaving me. Other than in the very beginning where he might have had one “I’m sorry I hurt you” in there, it was only a manipulation said for something he wanted from me.
Mostly FW quickly re-wrote the script to make AP feel like she was saving him from his “horrible wife” and to tell everyone that I had thrown him out — image management. And FW bought into his own lies and gaslighting. When I was distraught and in trauma the first few months, if I asked why he didn’t apologize, he’d say “what for?!” It was crazy making.
But I’m so very thankful that I didn’t have to deal with sad sack apologies or make a choice over whether to reconcile or not. When FW’s mask came off, he went straight to his creepy cold revealed personality — including shark eyes. Sharks don’t apologize.
I have a bit of insight into the “Houdini” disappearing act because of the demented daughter of professional acquaintances of my mother. When she broke with several boyfriends, the demented chick broadcast to everyone that she’d blocked her phone and social media accounts immediately. The intimation was that these guys were “stalking” her and couldn’t live without her. But I actually knew the backstory on a few of those relationships and came to understand that the reverse was true. In one case she claimed she’d dumped one guy to be the next and, as a selling point, told the new guy that the old guy was “stalking” her to increase her supposed dating stock. But the former boyfriend– as it turned out– had actually changed colleges to get away from Ms. Cluster B.
Because of this, whenever I hear about the “disappearing act,” I tend to wonder if the “Houdini” was just trying to pretend to themselves– extra super hard– that they were pursued and in demand as compensation for some bizarre self esteem issue.
By the way, I worked with actual stalking and DV victims for many years. The case I’m recounting was dramatically different in definable ways. I chalked it up to the need for perpetrators to play victim and also this demented need of narcissists to feel “pursued.”
Apology? That’ll be the day. My FW expects an apology from me. The problem, she tells me even now, is that I won’t own my behavior.
See, I keep acting like she did something to me, and nobody, Miss “I screwed Colonel Mustard in the kitchen with a briefcase” tells me, is falling for that lie. “Everyone knows” I’m just playing the victim because… wait for it… nevermind the hard drive full of evidence of multiple simultaneous affairs… I’m a narcissist who’s gaslighting her.
As a lifelong feminist, it really pisses me off when abusers appropriate feminism as grounds for abuse.
I’m not sure what I’m missing here- she does do that for sure (“the patriarchy made me do it!”), but what up there qualifies? Not being snarky, just seriously wonder what you are referring to! I figure it’s clear that I’m a guy, but in case it’s not- I’m a guy! 🙂
You’re a strong independent woman – you can take it!!!
Mine former FW admitted to cheating for his entire life – then later said he didn’t mean that he cheated on me (we were married for most of his adult life).
Here’s the apology I got:
“Now with this, my failure, my loss of you, I am in such sadness. I am sorry, you are too. Two hearts, two souls, crushed at once. I am so sorry that it will be so hard healing.
Having to look at family, and friends thinking they have some story of what happened, and why I failed, and know I will never talk of it. I will just suffer it.”
As always, it’s all about his sad sausage feelings.
“I am sorry, you are too.”
Honestly, I think that is the most distilled piece of fuckwittery I’ve seen in a long time. So few words, yet manages to be dismissive, a lie, a projection, an attempt at control, perception management, leveling of the playing field, and a comma splice. All at once! Well-played, FW!
Well said, All a Blur! I’m laughing.
“Two hearts, two souls, crushed at once.”
🤢 How very effing poetic.
See – Hallmark cards CAN be useful!
‘Family and friends thinking they have some story of what happened’… Nobody but him knows the truth. Not even You!! Everybody else thinks it was as simple as sticking his dick where it shouldn’t be. But NO!!!! They didn’t know his struggle! Oh, this is so, so sad. Poor guy….
I barely got a ‘sorry’ and it definitely wasn’t a sincere one lol
The fact I had to mention after an hour or two of tears and confronting that he hadn’t said sorry nor had the word cheating come out of his mouth the entire time should’ve tuned me into his complete lack of empathy when he wants to stop masking. When asked if he felt remorseful or regret for his actions.. crickets. Wait no, it was worse than crickets.. there was a shake of the head saying ‘no’.
I think nothing is better then a phony apology, most of these pricks aren’t sorry anyway.
I found the half assed one I got from my ex insulting to my intelligence
My ex is the master of the non-apology apology. One of them was even featured here on CL.
https://www.chumplady.com/ubt-the-program-has-made-me-a-safer-person/
I was no contact with him for awhile but had to deal with him for some tax stuff from last year. During the brief period while I was forced to talk to him again he broke a major boundary that I set and I’ve since had to block him everywhere. I’m sure I’ve had plenty of non-apology apologies come to my phone and email but thankfully I can’t see them. Fuck this prick.
Never received an apology and never will, she told me she has nothing to learn from this. Making peace with this has helped me to move on, they’re mentally defective.
On a side note, sounds like there’s trouble in paradise. Going to probably have to step in and help the boys once the fairytale comes to an end.
Eh, most of the apologies are phony anyway….better to get nothing then an intelligence insulting phony apology.
I’ve never understood the obsession with apologies for this reason. If you have to demand one it’s going to be phony. My cheater tried to give me a half assed one but it was only to shut he up, and when it didn’t work he got nasty.
Apologies are so they can make themselves feel and look better than the shitty people they are and also to see if they can get anything out of you. Maybe improved financial/custody arrangements or FWB or something else. It rarely means anything that’s not self serving.
After finding the communications my ex had with his on her 5th marriage trash ex gf, he proceeded to lie and then change his story based on what he realized I already knew. He played dumb and magically couldn’t remember all kinds of things, claimed he couldn’t remember when he last talked to her even though I’d seen recent messages.
I kept giving him rope to hang himself and he kept taking it. Mr terrified of conflict and obsessed with phony image continued to lie.
Eventually he got as far as admitting that “maybe it was inappropriate” but kept lying and giving half assed apologies.
When I brought it up a week later he got nasty, claimed he’d already apologized, and accused me of wanting to be miserable. I told him that he and his whore could fuck off straight to hell.
That was a lot of……gasp…unpleasantness for Mr conflict avoidant. He then asked why I was being so ugly when I called her a trashy whore.
Evening he demanded a divorce, then backtracked and gave me a list of things that I needed to change, because HE was miserable. Lol
Eventually I decided to take him up on that as I realized thar he brought nothing of value to my life. He then panicked and proceeded to beg and plead. Apparently he didn’t actually want a divorce but was ok using the threat to bully…all because I “wouldn’t accept his apology” and stop making him uncomfortable.
Divorce was final 5 years ago.
Pretty sure his trashy whore is on marriage #6…not to him. I’m sure they’re still carrying on, but apparently neither one wants to be associated with the other in public.
Trash is bad for one’s image. Lol
I think sometimes these apologies, as weak and feckless as they are, are “real”. But they don’t matter. When someone runs a steamroller over your life and your childrens’ lives and destroys everything you have or hoped to have, no apology can be meaningful. It might make them feel a bit better to babble something, but it doesn’t compensate for the many losses and broken hearts. Something that shatters your children’s home and concept of parenthood and security is not something that can be apologized for. ACTIONS would need to be taken and even that may not help. Yeah, I do think sometimes they recognize they did something truly terrible and the decent part of them that may still exists feels bad but…..so what. And often an apology is just a cover for trying to get something ELSE out of you. Personally, unless you have intentions of reconciling and an apology might be the start of that, I’d just ignore it entirely and go back to the basics of what time will the kids be back. Try to stick to non-emotional issues about financial and custody facts. This is why NO CONTACT or contact only through lawyers or 3rd parties is good because it doesn’t create opportunities for these kind of personal, emotion laden comments. Try not to let the opportunity for this bullshit arise at all.
What amazes me now is how much his “apologies” morphed over the years. I can remember that on the first DDay (after 1.5 years married and I had first stumbled upon his secret sexual basement and his double life), I seemingly had a very repentant cheater on my hands. He was literally on the floor sobbing and grasping at my ankles begging me not to “give up on him”. He was soooo sorry,
Fast forward 15 years to the final atrocity committed by him while married to me – wherein I discover he has snuck off in the middle of the night to attend a drug fuelled sex party. At the height of the pandemic. Full lockdowns. No vaccines. Hospitals morgues overflowing. What is his apology?
”I already said I am sorry. What more do you want from me? Were some mistakes made? Yes there were. Would I do it again? You know…I am 61 years old. I am pretty sure I am not going to change for you very much more than I already have.”
It was this last “apology” from him that galvanized me into action. I have been 3 years separated and divorced from him now. No contact. Life is good. Better late than never.
I hope you’re far away from this asshole now. This story made me so angry for you. Lied to you for 15 years and then put your family at risk DURING LOCKDOWN. Holy shit.
Thanks Cam. I am physically over a thousand kilometres away from where he now slithers. Emotionally, I am so far away light takes a thousand years to reach me. I think I really feel that “meh” is around the corner.
Yes…the pandemic laid bare many things that were broken in our world. The pandemic did not break everything…but it showed many of us where the cracks were. There was no denying his entitlement and selfishness after his last and final violation of me.
In his book “The People of the Lie” M. Scott Peck says that people become evil by a process over time- they don’t want to feel the pain of their own guilt so there is a gradual hardening of their hearts.
It does seem that’s what could have happened to your FW Ex! He really did become evil!
Interesting theory Shadow. Unfortunately, I now believe he was always disordered. Like many here, I spent a long time after our separation trying to figure out what the hell I had been through over the past 20 years. Is he a narcissist? Covert narcissist? Asshole? I don’t know…the label doesn’t matter. Not acceptable to me. That is all that matters.
When I broke into his secret sexual basement, I found over a decade of carefully archived and cross-referenced emails and photos he had exchanged with a multitude of fuck buddies and fuck buddy prospects. All indexed by date and theme. These emails went back long before we even met each other…all during the time we dated..and the time we lived together. He even sent his fuck buddies pictures of me, of us as couple. He described restaurants we went to for Valentines Day, wedding anniversary etc… I felt so violated. I don’t know why I didn’t leave then and there. Of course, I was never told any of this before we were married. He mirrored me. Love bombed me. I thought I had married the most decent man in the world. I really wanted to believe he was real.
I smoked industrial strength hopium. I used industrial grade spackle. I faithfully followed all the RIC recommendations to reconcile. I even pick me danced like a whirling dirvish. Stupid…I know.
No he did not BECOME evil on my watch. He was deeply flawed and damaged long before he got his talons into me.
Since leaving him I have never once missed him for a nano second. I missed my lifestyle, I missed my imagined future life, I missed the money I had to pay him (equalization and support). But never him.
They only apologize if they have something to gain from it. They dont do it for you or because they feel remorse. If it fits their agenda. Like maybe you will tell his kids, friends and family that he apologized, see hes such a great guy! He feels remorse like any normal person.
They look at you with cold dead eyes as you are laying on the floor in the fetal position wailing. They are lizard people.
A girl friend of mine is married to a man who cheated on his first wife for 10 years or more. Then wife #1 decides the abuse was too much and files. My girl friend marries this x cheater guy years and years later. He says he’s reformed from his selfish ways. However, he gave me insights into the brain of a cheater now that he is 80 and nearing his end. Yes Tracy remains the sage. My ” former ” cheater friends husband said he was never even sorry until NOW 50 years later. He apologized to his X wife THIS YEAR. He ALWAYS blamed her for forcing him to cheat by her pure horrible nature, but he stayed married to hortible wife and cheated throughout the years for the “sake of the kids”. He told me my now XCHEATER was never sorry. Cheater to cheater they had talked and my X CheaterH said to him that if I had gotten into therapy and solved my PTSD he would have given our marriage another go. Given up all his woman because I had driven him into OW arms due to not giving him everything he needed. My” former “cheater friend said that he himself remains self centered and arrogant but he has given up cheating* (because nothing works.). Sigh* I never got a semi decent apology, just blame from either of my cheaters, but that made it easier to get out. I’m grateful now.
That old bastard hasn’t reformed….he just ran out of energy.
Yes and he might just be getting a bit scared about coming face-to-face with the God as well, so he’s trying to see can he convince himself he’s “sorry” so he can avoid being sent Downstairs for eternity!
We can’t fool God though-he’ll have to really BE sorry!
So true, you can’t fool God. However people see it, I do believe there is an afterlife where you do have accountability for what you did (or didn’t do) in your life. Deserting your spouse and kids has to be near the top of the list. It’s a primal thing – your first obligation is to protect your spouse and especially YOUR KIDS. God doesn’t give a shit about your personal “happiness”.
Oh part 2!! I did DEMAND an apology right at D day with cheater#2. I was told he was NOT SORRY and that I had driven him to it
He asked me if I had learned my lesson yet.
“He asked me if I had learned my lesson yet.”
You obviously did, since you left his dumb ass.
I got the typical Cheaterspeak of “I’m sorry YOU felt hurt”.
So I guess it was my choice to feel hurt for absolutely no reason other than I had a lot of chutzpah for letting his serial cheating bother me in the first place.
A few weeks ago, I was speaking with one of my triplet sons. Son said that a number of months ago, when FW was in his town for a 3-day visit (with Married Howorker in tow), the subject of our divorce came up. It seems that FW is still trying to convince people that he’s dazed and confused over my decision to remain 1000000% strict Zero Contact for the last 9 years. FW tells Son, “I have already apologized. I don’t know what more I can do.”. So Son says to me, “Dad said he apologized. Is there something more he can do to fix this?”. I told Son, “Your dad has NEVER apologized for cheating on me, lying to me, betraying my trust or exposing me to who-knows-what pu$$y diseases all of his wh0res may have carried. I don’t know who he thinks he apologized to, but it wasn’t me… I may be old, but I’m not senile and that is definitely something I would have remembered. And at this point, even if he did apologize, I wouldn’t believe a word of it because I have no idea what over the course of our 40-year marriage was the truth and what was a lie, so I have to assume it was all bullshit. If he was standing here right now and told me the sky is blue, I would step over to the window and look for myself.” I have no idea what Son has since told FW, but I’d have no issue with him quoting me verbatim.
Then, yesterday, as we were discussing getting together next week for Thanksgiving, my other son’s wife (a truly wonderful DIL who can’t stand FW) told me that last weekend, FW and Married Howorker came for a short visit to see the grandkids (they live about an hour apart). FW now knows I was invited to Son/DIL’s house for Thanksgiving Day, and he and Married Howorker were invited for the Day After Thanksgiving **to have leftovers**. He lamented, “Do you think there will ever be a time when we can all put this behind us and celebrate as one big happy family?” My very astute DIL knew what he really meant to say was, “Will there ever be a time when MyRedSandals can rugsweep what I did to her, break Zero Contact and pretend I’m her BFF? I sure hate feeling uncomfortable when we have to share the same space at family events or feeling inconvenienced when I get a second tier invite for the holidays”. My DIL responded to FW’s comment with exactly what needed to be said: “NO!”
Good on your DIL.
Does your first son understand that he’s allowing his father to triangulate him against you? He needs to mind his own business.
Cam:
Yes, this DIL (I have two) is fabulous and she absolutely “gets it”.
For many years, the son I mentioned was FW’s “Mini Me”… they were very close, and Son referred to FW as “My BFF”. When the nasty truth about FW finally came out into the open, I was concerned just how many of FW’s disgusting behaviors had rubbed off on Son. But lately, I’m thinking they haven’t as much as I once feared because Son is getting a much better picture of who FW really is and he acts as if he finds them detestable.
I was talking with Son last night (today is the triplets’ 40th birthday and I was calling to wish him a Happy Birthday) and he told me yet another story of how FW has stepped over the line into someone else’s situation that’s none of his fucking business just so it looks like he’s somehow saved the day; FW has done this multiple times with both family and non-family, and I know (1) it is never welcomed or appreciated by the recipients, and (2) it’s clear it’s all about FW’s efforts to preserve his image. Anyway, while we’re on the phone, Son tells me that FW called him yesterday to say he’s sick and tired of waiting for Son to buy himself a new car (yes, he needs one, but shit, Son is FORTY and can make his own decisions) so he tells Son he found an $80,000 luxury car and put down $1,000 deposit until Son can fly to OREGON and then drive the car all the way across the USA (Son lives in Washington DC)!! WTF?? Mind you, Son never asked FW to do this, he never said he’s willing/able to spend $80,000 on a new-to-him car, never said he even wanted that kind of car, and he certainly doesn’t have the inclination to spend who-knows-how-much for a one-way ticket to Oregon and then 4 days off work to drive the stupid car cross-country by himself. FW’s expectation is entirely ridiculous and I told Son as much. I pray Son doesn’t follow through with what FW wants him to do.
Your DIL sounds like a top bird, the sort of woman I’d love for a wife for my son and DIL for myself!
Shadow:
Yes, this DIL is wonderful. She’s the perfect mate for my son (not the son in my OP). She keeps in touch with me just as much as my son (several times a week at minimum), regularly sends me videos and photos of the grandchildren, and we can talk about anything. I hope my third son (the son in my OP) finds an exemplary wife like this.
I have another DIL but sadly, I have almost no relationship with her. She’s made it very clear she has no interest in me, and my son has changed a LOT since marrying her 10 years ago. But I figure if my son is happy, she’s a good mother to my grandchildren, and having a relationship with me is optional, it is what it is.
Frankly FW and HoWorker are lucky to be invited to anything familial after breaking up the family. I’d throw their food out on the driveway for pickup.
Me\hitable:
I feel exactly the same way, especially about tossing their food in the driveway!
I’ve known for some time that my DIL’s parents are of the Switzerland Friend ilk (they know what FW did), and somehow, they still feel obligated to invite FW and Married Howorker to selected family events, I think in part because they love and respect my son so much, they want to keep things as “normal” as possible. These are salt of the earth-type, small town folks, and I’m honestly not sure they know what to do…
Anyway, if FW/MH are invited to Thanksgiving Day, then I’m invited to the Day After Thanksgiving. Ditto for Christmas. Then the next year, we switch. What’s interesting is that DIL’s parents live in Michigan, and Son and DIL live in Kentucky, so these family events typically take place when Mom and Dad drive down from MI and stay at Son/DIL’s house in KY. As long as I don’t have to be in FW and MH’s presence, I have to accept how Mom and Dad conduct themselves when it comes to FW and MH; it would be difficult to block them and would most certainly create issues between me and DIL.
Unfortunately, on Thursday, I found out from DIL’s mom (we were discussing the Thanksgiving menu) that she and DIL’s dad have been to the new $1 million McMansion that FW and MH bought a few months ago. Maybe my thinking is skewed on this, but I think it’s one thing to have FW and MH over for a meal with multiple other family members but quite another to proactively accept a singular invite to go to their home. That seems like more of a betrayal to me and now it’s got me rethinking things about DIL’s parents and I hate feeling this way.
Question I am seeing little share symbols on the comments, does that mean others can share my stuff I write on Twitter?
Mine wrote something like the following. It was a weird mix of apology, blame-shifting, and self-pity. The cheater triple lutz.
“I made mistakes blah blah I regret blah blah I lied about One Thing (for almost 3 years), but you have to admit that we had a bad dynamic.”
Oh, and for good measure, he added, “You’re not so perfect either. I always knew you (meaning me, Spinach) could be vindictive.” And then the self-pitying ending: “I’m sad every day.”
🙄
Mine like to say that I had never been a good wife, and that if people knew what I was really like, they’d never like me. In his eyes, he HAD to take off and then whatever with whomever.
None of my friends, work supervisors/colleagues, our young adults, or my relatives agreed with him. Then both legal teams decided that he was a horrible person and that I had to be a saint to have stayed so long. OK, that was my closure.
I moved out after DD2, had filed for divorce, and was living in another state but was still in touch with my estranged husband and miserable and wondered if I had made a mistake. I was seeing a therapist who suggested I see him in person and have a clarifying talk about the feasibility of a future together. So I flew across the country and we had that talk.
When he said “I don’t know if I can be the person you want me to be,” I realized he was essentially telling me he couldn’t/wouldn’t promise not to cheat again. Thank god for that clarifying moment.
So I let the divorce go forward. I don’t doubt he loved me (and at some level, still regrets losing me), but he didn’t love me enough to be faithful. I spent way too many years with regrets, but with added years, maturity, and experience, I came to understand what a terrible partner he was. I came to realize that the reason I mourned for so long is that I felt so inadequate thanks to his half-assed apologies and a long history of shitty behaviors that left me feeling unimportant. I certainly have no regrets now about divorcing him (only regret that I mourned a mirage for so long).
And I am not surprised that he has two more failed marriages under his belt.
I never received an apology but our daughter got one tangentially ‘for me’ that implied he was apologetic. She is 12 but he felt it appropriate to tell her that when she was in preschool he knew he didn’t love me anymore like a husband should love a wife but he was afraid of my temper and how I’d react so he stayed with me. Until he met his “girlfriend” and fell in love and needed to be with her. He told our daughter that he was sorry it happened that way but he couldn’t help it. And that now he really wanted our daughter to meet the gf he loves so much, but I was standing in the way.
Naturally, he left A LOT of the story out. For instance, that he was a serial cheater long before he found the child mistress (his “gf”) whom he kept as a sugar baby for 4 years. That I was “standing in the way” because I had literally just found out about the cheating. That he is a big fat liar.
Our daughter, always trying to please everyone, said, “But he said he was sorry, mom! Doesn’t that help you feel better?” I had to share some of the real story with our daughter so she could understand why I am not forgiving her dad.
I said that if he was apologetic he would have said something TO ME. I said that it doesn’t matter if you love someone anymore or not, you have a responsibility to have the difficult conversation to end things with them before you start a new relationship. I told her it was inappropriate to be sharing these details with a child.
FWs are just the worst.
This is why I tell people to ALWAYS tell their children the truth, in an age appropriate way. Not only because they deserve to know what really happened – and they do – but they have to know who to trust. Especially a girl like this needs to know what happened to Mom so it doesn’t happen to HER in the future. She needs to know what is possible even from Daddy Dearest and how to handle a situation like this, which alas, is all too common. She sounds like a sweet, forgiving, gentle person and those kinds unfortunately…..can make the best chumps. So if we can save them from that with the truth, we have to try. Kudos for telling her what REALLY happened!
Still waiting for mine! Don’t think he’s sorry for a damn thing he’s done! When he needed me to bail him out, he was sorry for the gambling debt he racked up behind my back. Amongst the few people that know about it, he has since backtracked and minimized all that. Haven’t heard anything close to feeling sorry about any of the other stuff.
Not really an apology but an omission of guilt. So I’ll accept it.
I have tried to be collaborative with you but you have shown me that it does not work. At first in our marriage, but also more recently:
You don’t intend on doing any collaboration with me, you only want to figure out a way to force me to do what you want and guilt me if I don’t. Yes I got handjobs and blowjobs from prostitutes while our marriage broke down. you wanted to hide it. you asked me to lie about it, and I did for a while, but I am not anymore. if you think bringing it up in an e.mail will guilt me or shame me, and make you able to control me, then you are wrong.
I didn’t respond, no point but I do liked that he admitted to the prostitutes. Small wins, LOL.
Klassy guy
When I found out about the 3 year affair, and that he decided to leave, I was stunned. I remember asking if he could at least apologize. He responded emphatically, “I’m not sorry! I did what I needed to do to put me first.” So that, at least, rings true.
Not only did I not get an apology, but he did his best to mentally abuse me on the way out.
I had changed the locks after I kicked him out, but I let him into the house to fetch his things. He only took essential oil burners, intimate adult stuff, and cufflinks when he first moved out. I did have company with me for protection when he came for his stuff. (He didn’t fetch all his things until I started throwing them out after 6 months of them sitting in the garage and me asking him to collect them, but that is another story, they do this on purpose).
While packing his clothes he planted all sorts of notes for me to find, the last of which was halfway down in a stack of printer paper and I only found it eight-plus years later. Behind cupboards, in drawers, in books, under cushions, randomly thrown on the floor.
The notes included poems about how I was the cause of all his pain, articles about taking people for granted (I didn’t), emailed love letters that had been sent to him by some of the (5 that I found) teenagers he turned out to be f$#%king. Restaurant slips with drinks and meals that he wouldn’t have been eating that clearly showed two diners. Invoices from the massage parlours he had been sending the teenagers to (lovebombing much!?). The invoice for the expensive engagement ring that he eventually gave to the neighbours wife (our friends). I sometimes wonder if he had picked who he was going to give it to yet. I am told that the new marriage didn’t last. She went into it knowing he cheats. Evidence of the fully furnished cottage he had been using to take the children to wine, dine, and f$#%k. He had the audacity to take me there when we were discussing divorce arrangements.
He then pulled flying monkeys by emailing everyone we knew (including the neighbours and my parents) with a laundry list of my perceived faults. Some of which I have had to call bullshit on when the neighbours have mentioned some of what was in there.
There was also about 6 months of telephonic stalking about 4 years out. At least 30 calls a day before I found blocking software.
Bearing in mind that the morning of the bomb drop he was still love-bombing me and being affectionate and telling me that he loved me.
The subtle death threat. The recommendation smsed to me to visit the divorce lawyer on my birthday (he never forgot details like this), which he then denied sending.
I told him by text that I didn’t want to speak to him again and that was the last time I heard from him. Fifteen years ago.
I wish it didn’t take me so long to get really angry, instead of sad, because that is when I started to heal.
Mine thinks he is Shakespeare. I received long, long emails of word salad. He uses “psychology speak” to try and seem insightful and self-aware. I would have absolutely believed it had I not seen and spoken to decades of previous partners and affair partners who received the same “soulmate” garbage….vomit.
” All I wanted was for you to be the best version of yourself and tried my absolute best to support you in that everything you did. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Do I fail, make mistakes and bad decisions? Do I lose my way? Absolutely. I am human, I am fallible.”
So apparently 20 years of cheating on every single relationship, Ashley Madison, affair partners, sexual assault and severe abuse within the relationship..makes him “human and fallible”. Okay mate.
Gross!
You just reminded me of FW on Dday, blurting out petulantly; “Okay! So I’m not prefect! I’m human!”
They twist what is actually their inhumanity into being “human.” It’s not human. It’s monstrous.
I reckon what he wrote in the sample above more accurately describes you, because supporting our spouses and trying to help them is what chumps do, not FWs! Talk about projection!
Furthermore, he does indeed chat absolute shite, hehehe!
Yep, when I tried to talk reason, I said but I supported you, he just threw back and I did you to. After a couple tries, I just clammed up.
He supported me? how is cheating and lying to me for all of our marriage supporting me? He didn’t sacrifice for what I wanted, it was the opposite, I sacrificed for what he wanted, and worked my hiney off for him.
pardon my awful misspellings and errors.
When we were doing marriage classes( pure waste of time IMO!) we had to write each other a letter that we’d not open until after we’d got married. He used to keep his letter from me in his folder full of official documents such as P45s and his birth cert., etc. but I took it out and burnt it after DD! I can’t find my one from him, but all I can remember from it is that’s he’d written “You always support me.” and I certainly always did, up until I found out he’d decided to stab me in the back! I think he thought I should support him in that as well!!
They’re feckin’ unreal, aren’t they?
I got many “I have already apologized to you” without ever getting an apology.