He Wants to Introduce a New Partner to Our Teens
It’s not been a year since their divorce and her ex wants to introduce a new partner to their teenage children. Should she background check this woman?
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Oh, Chump Lady, help.
I was really starting to get my feet under me and feel solid. Today FW sent a message that he is introducing a new partner to our children (ages 13 and 15) in March, per the stipulation in our divorce decree that it shouldn’t happen before a year is up.
I’m rattled: angry, nervous, sad, self-conscious, mostly anxious.
I want to reply something snarky about whether she knows that he’s been on Tinder since Christmas Day 2015, or when his fling with the affair partner (his “soul mate”) whose thousands of pages of WhatsApp messages I uncovered through discovery dissolved, or etc, etc. I’m writing to you instead, because I’m sure there are many posts on the blog about this experience, but I don’t have the wherewithal to search right now.
I will keep being the sane parent. I don’t want this for my kids and I will always be their mom. Googling reveals she is an executive assistant at an executive search firm. He is an executive.
The agreement says he must give at least 30 days notice before introducing a new partner and that he will give the person’s full name, DOB, and address. He did give all of the information.
The agreement also says that no romantic or sexual partners can stay overnight in the same place as the children during custodial time.
I think that means I can ask the circumstances surrounding the introduction.
Should I get a background check on her?
I want to ask questions about how the introduction is going to happen. That’s legit, right? What other information is helpful for me to know? How long has he known this person? What is his purpose in introducing our children to a “new partner” who doesn’t even live in this state? I’m struggling to process this information and get my questions out, let alone figure out how to respond.
A Social Worker Who Failed to Enchant
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Dear Social Worker,
Lay your FW burden down.
You are divorced. He is following the court order. What he does in his dating life and with whom is his business. If you ever spent any time in the marriage police trenches you know how much it sucks. Divorce police is worse. How on earth do you expect to tether his dick?
Sure, you have a court order on how to introduce a new partner and overnights. How do you expect to enforce it? Stake out his bedroom? Hire sentries? Check the bed linens?
Lets’s say he violates the order (they’re FWs, they usually do) — then what? Do you have the finances and the will to go back to court about it? And do what? Ask for full custody? Punish him? I’m doubtful there would be any consequences. Courts see so much worse.
You have very little control here. And what control you think you have is mostly an illusion, IMO.
It’s natural to feel freaked out that your ex is introducing your kids to a new partner. Normal feelings would include:
- Rejection at the evidence he’s moving on with someone who isn’t an affair partner. MAYBE HE’LL BE DIFFERENT WITH HER! (He won’t be.)
- Fear that your children will grow attached to her.
- Fear that he’ll destabilize everyone further if it doesn’t work out, or if it does.
- Anxiety that she’s a glue-sniffing-cannibal-criminal-executive-assistant.
You don’t control anything on that list.
So, let’s focus on what you do control.
You control your sane parenting. I think your energies are far better directed at your teenagers, to help them learn and express boundaries. (I did podcast on this topic recently — check out my interview with Kirk Martin of Calm Parenting. We discuss how kids can communicate when they have issues visiting a FW parent and how to validate their feelings, but not overstep.)
You know what a FW he is, but your kids need to figure out their relationship with their father themselves. It feels unjust (it is unjust) but often their love is primal and they don’t hold his messy dating life or cheating history against him. They do care about how he shows up in their lives. And look, I’m telling you from experience, even if he’s the biggest of deadbeat FWs, your child may still love him anyway.
GO LIVE YOUR LIFE.
A child’s love of a FW is an unavoidable sh*t sandwich and your punishment for breeding with a FW.
I think that means I can ask the circumstances surrounding the introduction.
No. Do not ask. He’s a lying liar who lies. What’s he going to tell you? He met her at work? On a sugar daddy site? In an elevator? Do you need the particulars of where they’re going to meet? Over ice cream? In a park? No, you do not need this information. You just feel like you need it because your ex’s chaos makes you feel hypervigilant. Trust that he sucks and set the bar to “My children come home alive.”
Should I get a background check on her?
Sure. If you want to. Public search is about $30 a month. But then what? Return to our divorce police conundrum as outlined earlier.
My caveats for who your FW is dating are:
- Does this rise to the level of child abuse?
- Is anyone have a criminal record as a s*x offender?
- Is there addiction? Mental illness? Violence?
In short, is there anything that the court would see as a real threat of HARM to your child? If so, absolutely flag those things.
But he’s got a new Schmoopie and she doesn’t know he’s a serial cheater is a big whatever. Seriously, you will get to this point when you fully trust the suck. He’s a hot mess. He’s always been a hot mess. It fools people until it doesn’t. Rinse. Repeat.
You’re the show up, sane parent. That matters. What flavor of Schmoopie du jour he’s introducing the kids to this week? Not so much.
The judge ordered the house sold and to be split in her opinion letter. The decree was not yet signed. I moved out at the beginning of August. Klootzak moved out in September and immediately moved The Latest in with him at his new house across the street from our child’s Catholic school. He and I split our child 50/50. Klootzak had The Latest set up her things in a downstairs bedroom of the townhouse as though she is a roommate. Kiddo just rolls his eyes to me and says, “Does he think I’m stupid?”
The Latest is nice to my son which is better than klootzak. I am grateful she is not hateful toward him.
Our child had already seen Klootzak texting the last AP and figured out what was up. I confirmed to him that this was the reason I filed for divorce because when you are married, you can’t have girlfriends/boyfriends. Dear son understood because that is basically how it was explained in school when they learned “Thou shalt not commit adultery.” It made sense to him. So now he understands that we had to leave home because of Klootzak’s f***wittery. Leaving the house was deeply hurtful to him. We used to live on the same block as his best friend. Our child eyes Klootzak with suspicion and I think he also takes The Latest with a grain of salt. He is 11. I told him that what happens over there is none of my business but if he is not being treated well from unkindness or any other harm, I want to know about it. I trust he will tell me. I don’t need to run a background check.
Yes, you have almost no control over this, and the kids need to figure this out on their own in the end. It’s good that they are teens, probably far more perceptive than we give them credit for. Your job here is to be a sane, peaceful parent.
I wasn’t plugged into Chumplady yet, but somehow I figured out that I needed to shut my trap about my kids’ father a few months into our final separation. They were commuter college students living with me, so no legal framework for that. I stopped any discouragement of their relationship with Dad. I listened, supporting them. They had their own phones and email addresses and were away most of the day, either on campus or at work.
Well, turns out that he largely went dark. It was over a year before he began to acknowledge the holidays and birthdays, passively, by sending a sizable check in a card. I told them that the ball was in their court as to what to do with that. Together, they decided he was trying to buy their affections, so they chose not to respond. I was no contact during the divorce, and they joined me in that. He continued to send cards and checks.
Four years after he left, and some years after the divorce, he finally invited them to visit over the holidays in a card. According to them, the card was all cheery, like nothing at all had happened. My older one actually tore it to shreds in anger after the younger one read it. I didn’t say much, but offered to drive them to the airport if they wanted to go.
No, they didn’t go. They figured he had a woman to introduce them to, and they didn’t want to spend the holidays with a father they barely knew by then. Of course, he blamed me, which was absurd. As if I could order twenty-something adults to get on a plane.
There were a few more cards and checks, then nothing. One of his relatives told me he had shown up at a family wedding with a woman he had been seeing for a while. Ok, but not my committee.
Blessed peace.
How does a person simply abandon their children in this way? It’s mind-boggling, really … weird.
Quite easily actually. When you’re a narcissistic sociopath hellbent on Impression management and your teen/tween kids know the real reason for the divorce? Well, they’re hardly worth performing for anymore are they?
On to a new audience / new con!
It is. And very, very off-base.
My ex had significant mental health issues throughout our marriage that got worse when he became an addict. He was supposedly sober when he left for the final separation, but who knows. I got very limited information about how he spent his time. He was retired, so a lot of hours there. We pretty much stopped communicating.
My attorney, of course, said there was very likely what he called an “insurmountable pile of guilt” there, especially given that my ex was a part-time preacher. In time, his own attorney shared some of the ick with mine, which was very unprofessional, but that got it settled because his attorney basically decided to throw the case. Going to court with so much garbage and a mentally unstable client wasn’t his thing.
I very much doubt that my ex’s lady friend, if they are still together, was ever told the truth. But from what I know of her, she was struggling financially, and he has money. A perfect pair, or something like that.
‘S funny, my working assumption is that whoever he’s with is another credulous, harmless sucker. I feel sorry for whoever it is.
Fraudster wanted to move in with his “sole mate,” who he’d met online; I quickly proved it was a catfish romance scam and filed for divorce.
Months later, he said he’d found “the love of his life.” He’d met her a week before, after the prior woman, who he introduced as his “life partner.” Fraudster told tween he wanted to introduce tween to his “new mother” via a phone call. Tween asked him if he knew this was a real person or not!
Tween told me that during the call, she told tween she’d seen pictures of him and was sure they’d be a very happy family. Three days later, she dumped Fraudster.
I hope our kids can see through your ex. Maybe he wants to be a decent parent and will put in some effort.
I would foster a good relationship between your kids, so they can support each other when they’re with their dad.
His decision to move across the street from their school is interesting. If you can, put some of your time and energy into fostering a relationship with the school, so they don’t shut you out. Volunteer if you can. And right away, ask to meet with the teachers and higher ups, school counselor if they have one, to let them know that this transition is happening, the kids will no longer be at their long-term home full-time, and that half-time they will be with dad and the woman he now lives with, who the kids don’t know. Tell them that all of this can be unsettling and affect the kids at school, so you want them to understand what’s going on and support your kids. Emphasize that you want school to be a safe place for them. Also let them know that you should be the parent who’s called first when it’s your parenting time, even though dad lives physically closer.
Keep your calm and let them see that you’re a sane parent.
Well, there he goes again. Proving he can’t keep agreements and therefore his fundamental untrustworthiness.
As kids get older, they understand the concept and the value of trustworthiness, whether they can articulate it or not.
What has helped me in these situations are two quotes.
One, attributed to Napoleon:
“Never interfere when your enemy is making a mistake.”
Another, of unknown origin, which I tweaked a little:
“Keeping my agreements reinforces my position as the wronged party.”
Cheaters fail to comprehend that trustworthiness, a quality their behavior proves they lack, is gold. That breaking trust is throwing gold away with both hands. That trust is the foundation of intimacy and the glue of any relationship worth having.
What I see in this situation is former so-called husband proving who he is, thereby validating our letter writer and that divorce was a great idea.
Children’s powers of perception are very keen, especially when the trustworthy adults in their lives stand down, don’t interfere, and let them see for themselves who is what, and limit their comments to validating what they see and feel.
I know it doesn’t feel like it, but I think this is a good thing…..
♥️
I will add that Traitor Ex never once told the truth when asked about his intentions toward the primary affair accomplice or whether she was still around, despite being told I did have a right to know because we had a child together and were going to continue to co-own our business. I did NOT want to continue to co-own the business if he were still involved with her and it was a piece of information I needed for informed consent to make that decision.
When I discovered she was still in the picture, (what a surprise) I did have my PI, a retired FBI special agent, do a background check. I wanted to know if there was anything about her that would be a threat to my daughter or my business.
That was how I found out she was an illicit massage parlor worker and that she and Traitor Ex had opened their own illicit massage parlor, and that he had likely hidden hundreds of thousands more dollars from me during the marriage.
By then our daughter had aged out of the custody agreement and had stopped seeing him. Otherwise I would have gone to court and petitioned for sole custody.
So I have to say that I am an advocate of background checks if you can afford it.
♥️
My attorney used the Napoleon quote several times in my situation. As in, let’s be polite and firm and watch them fall all over themselves.
And kids get that trustworthiness and showing up for each other is gold. My kids are working professionals now, but they sometimes talk about how I was the parent who did what parents are supposed to do in these situations. Their dad did not. Not at all.
So I get the fun phone calls and dinners out. So lovely to be the parent who enjoys seeing what they’ve become. My ex gets nothing from them, 100% their choice.
Agree with CL. You could have a background check done, but unless this person presents some tangible threat to your children, there is nothing you can do about what you find out. I’m not quite sure what you mean about the circumstances surrounding the introduction. Do you mean asking when and where it will take place? I would say that’s a fair question, but again, if you don’t like the circumstances, what can you possibly do about it? You might prefer they were introduced someplace neutral, like a public place rather than at his home. You could certainly express that to him, but he doesn’t have any obligation to comply.
Whatever you do, don’t let him see that any of it bothers you because he will conclude you are jealous and gorge himself on kibbles from that.
Both of my attorneys were big fans of Bill Eddy’s BIFF method. The younger one helped me edit emails to my ex when I chose to handle closeout emails myself, rather than pay my attorney to handle everything.
It was so satisfying to reply to an emailed rant about my horribleness and the crooked attorneys with, “The car titles are on the way. I have enclosed a prepaid envelope for you to return them after you sign and date. Thank you.”
Being business-like and polite is the way to go in these things. And if your kids witness that, it speaks volumes.
BIFF is great. It is frustrating to toxic personalities, which is a side benefit. 😉
It’s difficult for me to hold back because I enjoy being snarky to those who deserve it, but it’s worth it. Snarkiness only gives them more fuel for their performative outrage.
There was a time that I gave it back to my ex via email, but not worth it post-divorce.
I had healed significantly when my STBX called to say that he wanted a divorce, far enough that I refused to engage in relationship discussions. He kept wanting to “hash things out” (aka make me responsible). No need if we are divorcing. At times I let him rant while I muted so I could pace and laugh. I got some good information from the rants.
He told me which attorney he was going to use, which spoke volumes, and what he planned for the settlement. He planned “quick and easy” and to give me more than the law specified. He claimed he was still “in love” with me.
Thankfully, I knew what a lie all that was.
Dear Social Worker,
I know this new phase of life is stressful and hard to navigate. It hurts that your former spouse of many years is acting like none of that mattered and now the schmoopie of the month is going to meet your kids. Sadly, after divorce we have no control over what the other parent does. It’s a bitter pill to swallow.
Here’s the thing…if the father starts introducing a new woman every month, the kids will be over it real fast. If he marries again and they form a relationship with the stepmother and then he cheats and gets divorced again, that will be another strike against him.
But also, I’m surprised that you had any rules put in the divorce decree about the kids meeting FW’s girlfriends. It sounds like he is sorta following the court order and has provided the information required. That’s unusual. Most FWs do whatever the heck they want. It’s not uncommon for them to introduce the kids during the marriage when their spouse doesn’t even know they are cheating. And frankly, even if the language is in the divorce decree, a lot of courts don’t care. They usually assume that a loving parent would not have their kids around somebody who is dangerous. If you take this kind of violation to court they feel like you are wasting the court’s time when they have abused children who actually do need protection.
My ex introduced my kids who were over 18 to the other woman while we were still married. After they broke up, he ended up moving a married woman into his house while she went through a divorce. When they eventually got married, he didn’t tell our kids. They had to hear from someone else.
One of the hardest parts of parenting is letting go. You have to recognize that you have no control here and trust your kids to navigate this new part of life after divorce. At least he waited until the divorce was final. It could be a LOT worse.
“after divorce we have no control over what the other parent does.”
Sadly, we also have little control over their parenting even before the divorce, we just don’t know it yet.
I had a lot of insights about that after my ex left that I missed while we were together.
My parenting was all about relationship. I talked a lot with our kids, and even when they were little, I’d point out things like, “Big boys don’t have tantrums, they use words,” when we were in a good place.
My ex was all about control, a very rigid parent. No wonder they didn’t like being around him in general, even if they couldn’t express it.
Having been divorced from #1 cheater while I had a newborn plus a sweet 6 year old to raise TRUST CLs advice. They are teenagers without brains..act accordingly.
Do not make ⛰️ mountains out of anything that you can’t do anything about without
1. 24h survalence cameras at cheaters house .2. That you don’t have a court order for. 3. That you are not willing to pay your lawyer more and more bucks to enforce. 4. That you don’t have a police escort to enforce 5. That you don’t have the nervous system for 6. That you don’t have someone enforcing your requests in cheaters house.
It is a no win battle. My 6 year old told me one day, how he heard cheater having loud sex with OW! Was I furious, YOU BET!! Could I stop my teenager Brained cheater and OW from having Loud sex within ear shot??
Choices were..
Talk to my lawyer, scream at cheater over the phone STOP MAKING NOISES !!! Yes indeed, I did all that! It accomplished rage in my direction and advice from my lawyer who did not mind taking my money but didn’t want to go there with a letter…SO….TRUST THAT THEY SUCK and pick the hill you want to die on or pay for..and ask yourself, what control is in your corner. Go with CL, she’s got the answers! And by my long long years of experience SHE IS RIGHT ON!
SW,
To use a very English cricketing metaphor, I’d advise that you play this with soft hands and a straight bat. As CL says, there is a lot here that you can’t control, so don’t over-reach yourself by trying to.
A couple of things that you can do, however are: firstly, be the sane parent and make sure that you create a safe environment within which your children can discuss any concerns or worries that they have without fear of judgement and; secondly, trust your children’s judgement. You mention that they are teens, and so they will be developing an understanding of what is right and what is wrong. I’m willing to bet that they see their father (and his choices) far more clearly than you think they do.
Lastly, just encourage them to talk and really listen to what they say without ever trying to put words in their mouths. This takes conscious effort, but it will be worth it.
LFTT
An amusingly typical anecdote about FWs and meeting new partners; apparently my ex FW was asked by a relative of his why DD has not yet met his current GF. His response was; “Because she (meaning DD) is uncomfortable with change so she doesn’t want to.” In reality FW has never once invited her to meet his GF, never even suggested the possibility, and in fact he hid the reality that he had a GF from her. DD only found out by seeing GF’s name and number come up on the call screen while she was in FW’s car.
This is an illustration of how a FW’s instinct is to be dishonest and refuse to be accountable, even when an honest answer would make no difference. He could have just said; “I haven’t actually invited her to meet GF yet, but hey, that’s a good idea.” and the relative would have thought nothing of it. But no.
So he ended up being caught out for lying because the relative mentioned it to DD, who told her what was really going on. 😄