My Wife Cheated and I’m Stuck Blaming Myself

His wife cheated and he’s stuck in a loop, blaming himself instead of leaving her. Why is he stuck in limbo when she hasn’t even apologized?

***

Dear Chump Lady,

About 3 months ago I caught my wife in a lie about her whereabouts. She said was at a Halloween party with friends, when the location sharing she enabled on our phones gave away her true location. (Nowhere near the mentioned party.)

Fast forward about two weeks, and the same thing would happen repeatedly.

My suspicions grew and my nervous system felt like someone lit it on fire.

Without going into every single detail, I found out whose house she was going to. She was using an elaborate method of hiding it by parking her car in a different neighborhood, turning off her location, then riding with the other man to his house.

However, one day, she forgot to hide that, which led me to gathering enough evidence to confront her. I felt like I was trickle-truthed until I showed her I knew who lived at the address she kept going to.

Eventually, she owned up to the lies, but she said nothing intimate happened.

I naively tried to believe that. But feel I feel like it doesn’t matter. Why would she go to such lengths to hide whatever she was doing? It’s not something someone who isn’t cheating would do, right?

In fact, she didn’t even think what she did was wrong or that it was infidelity. She said she just didn’t want me to be mad about where she was. In spite of her knowing that I would be upset about the lies if I found out.

She admitted she had feelings for this man after I had asked a few days later.

She has barely apologized. Many conversations later, she was still hanging out with this guy, just “not at his house.” And she hasn’t put any effort into working on our marriage. I made it a point for us to try and spend time together, to work on us. But instead, she spends more time hanging out with her friends (of which this guy is one).

We haven’t started marriage counseling because I’m doubtful it will actually fix the problem. When we spend time together, it feels awkward, and I’m sure she is still with this guy, but goes to even greater lengths to hide whatever’s going on.

I don’t understand why I feel stuck with not being able to end my marriage.

(I’m 30 and we’ve only been married for 5 years). Despite what has happened and my wife’s lack of repair effort, I feel like I’m stuck in a loop of blaming myself. I rationalize and intellectualize her behavior instead of respecting myself. Frequently, I think it isn’t actually as bad as it could be and maybe I’m just overreacting?

Am I just crazy?

Am I just in denial when she said nothing “intimate” happened between her and this other person? Or am I just stuck in the same loop so many people get stuck in where they see the exit but can’t seem to make the move to walk right on out? Could she be manipulating me, where I’m just being taken advantage of through subtle means?

I’ve left out a lot of details for the sake of keeping this brief. I am in therapy actively working on myself so I can unlearn some of my bad habits, but think at this point I probably need blunt advice. I just found your blog today and think I am slowly coming around to the idea that I am probably better off leaving my marriage sooner rather than later.

Shattered_Skies

***

Dear Shattered Skies,

You wrote to the “Leave a Cheater” lady, so you probably know what my blunt-shovel-upside-your-head advice is going to say.

Go. You have nothing to work with.

She’s not sorry, transparent, or invested. I’m skeptical about reconciliation, but you at least need the raw materials. You have none. Instead, I’d say you have a coward, but it’s worse than that — you have a cake eater. Her behavior says she wants both the security of what you’re providing, plus the excitement of dating (screwing, holding hands and chastely watching Little House on the Prairie or whatever they’re up to). All at your expense. Because that works for her.

Your pain is not part of her calculus.

But your paralysis and disorientation are. Sure, Chump-o, book that therapy appointment. Go work on your faults. Chase down every lead on where she is. Stick your head in the mindf*ck blender. Then do it again. Collapse in exhaustion.

No biggie to her, she’s got a party to attend and you’re not invited.

I found out whose house she was going to. She was using an elaborate method of hiding it by parking her car in a different neighborhood, turning off her location, then riding with the other man to his house.

What’s the most likely explanation for this behavior: Is she a spy? An undercover FBI informant? Or is she a cheater?

Does anyone innocently behave this way? You are not her jailer. Or the mean, mean parent issuing a curfew. But she’s casting you in that role — an oppressor to rebel against. You, with your mean, mean requests that she be transparent. Or act with consideration. How unreasonable of you to insist that she not date other men while married to you.

However, one day, she forgot to hide that, which led me to gathering enough evidence to confront her. I felt like I was trickle-truthed until I showed her I knew who lived at the address she kept going to.

There is no such thing as ‘trickle truth’.

Call it what it is: further lying.

Trickle truth is some Reconciliation Industrial Complex bullshit to reframe continual lying as timid, but incomplete, truth telling. Oh, the poor sausage is trying! But the SHAME!

No. She knows exactly what she’s up to, but telling you would disturb the power imbalance that is currently in her favor. So why would she do that?

In fact, she didn’t even think what she did was wrong or that it was infidelity. She said she just didn’t want me to be mad about where she was. In spite of her knowing that I would be upset about the lies if I found out.

She’s blameshifting. The problem isn’t what she’s doing, it’s your reaction to it. And even your potential reaction. You’re the controlling ogre, she’s the timid forest creature. Next, she’s trying to move the battleground to defining infidelity. Refuse to engage.

You know enough.

You know that she unilaterally changed the terms of your marriage to behave like a single person. Whether she gets to first base, third base, or they’re watching Mary go blind from Scarlet fever while knitting potholders for the church bazaar — she’s checked out with another man. And doesn’t care how you feel about it.

I don’t understand why I feel stuck with not being able to end my marriage.

(I’m 30 and we’ve only been married for 5 years). Despite what has happened and my wife’s lack of repair effort, I feel like I’m stuck in a loop of blaming myself. I rationalize and intellectualize her behavior instead of respecting myself. Frequently, I think it isn’t actually as bad as it could be and maybe I’m just overreacting?

You’re not overreacting, you’re in the bargaining stage of grief. Betrayal is traumatic. You thought you were in a committed relationship and had a future with your wife. Bonding is what normal, loving humans do. And now, abruptly, and painfully, you have to un-bond.

One way we chumps cope with that is by untangling the skein, or as you say, getting stuck in a loop of blaming yourself for your wife’s affair. We try to decode our cheaters, and decode ourselves to figure out where it all went wrong — instead of doing the critical job of self-protection.

She is HURTING you. GET OUT.

This person is not your friend. I’m sorry, because I know it hurts like a mofo, but you can sort out your feelings later. Right now, you need to sort out your finances and living situation. Talk to an attorney, freeze your credit, and do all the things people who end marriages do. You’re not being hasty or unkind. She unilaterally changed the terms of the relationship to act single. You are just mirroring that. You are living in the reality SHE created. Single people are not financially vulnerable to each other. They don’t share a bed.

She won’t stop the cake-eating. You must stop allowing it.

Is that fair? No, of course it isn’t. But we’ve all survived it and you will too.

You’re not crazy, you’re heartbroken. The good news is you have a heart to break. You loved with your whole self and invested faithfully, and those are beautiful qualities. Sure, work on your faults, but don’t lose sight of why this relationship is broken. She broke it. We don’t control other people. There’s no loving someone without that terrifying vulnerability. Fixing your faults doesn’t control her investment in you.

Your devotion is a GIFT. She’s not entitled to it. Invest your energies in people who reciprocate and treat your heart gently. But right now, focus on getting free and investing in yourself. That pays dividends. Further fealty to a cheater, not so much.