Other Woman Upset That Cheater Appears Happy with His Family
An Other Woman is enraged that her cheater ex-boyfriend appears to be happy with his wife and family since he dumped her. Apparently, she thinks this is a problem for Chump Lady.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
Maybe I’m not in my place, but I just want to be honest and search for guidance.
Currently, I’m in therapy since I was an affair partner (my first and last time).
Once he was caught, he called me after New Year’s day to tell me his spouse found out. The only thing I could say was “thank you for everything” and goodbye, while I was crying. We had been together 3.5 years and he is 20 years older than me.
Since that day, we’ve not been in contact. Seven months have gone by. He’s been married for 28 years. In our conversations he told me the typical things a married man says. He told me that he had multiple affairs and two of them lasted 10 years each, make the math!
I’m working with all the shame, guilt, and feeling hopeless and worthless.
Today I had a breakdown because I searched his daughter’s Instagram, only to find out that he is on vacation with his family, spending some quality time.
Also his wife changed her profile pic with a photo of both of them laughing and hugging. I don’t want him back, since I said goodbye and walked away. And I don’t know who is going to believe this, but I’m not a home wrecker. But when I saw the profile pic I just felt so much rage and anger.
I’m here crying myself out for some player (I take full responsibility for my wrongdoings) and he is having the time of his life with his family and his spouse looks very happy. How could that be possible?????
Sincerely,
The Chump Shameful Affair
***
Dear Shameful Affair,
How could that be possible?
BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL.
After 3.5 years of him cheating with you behind his wife’s back, what did you think was going to happen? Given his long history as a serial cheater, and 42 solid months of him not getting a divorce, did it ever occur to you that he’s a liar? And a lying liar who lies will lie to you?
But here’s what you came for.
His wife’s not special either.
That’s why you wrote to me, Chump Lady. You wanted me to tell you that even though the cheater appears blissfully happy with his family, it’s not true! All that wifely triumphalism is fake, and your rival is miserable. Anyone who wins the pick me dance is a really a loser because the prize — a cheater — is not worth having.
There, that’s your salve. You wanted to win the pick me dance, as evidenced by the fact that you spent 3.5 years on the project, but you got thrown under the bus. As he probably threw Willing Orifice 1 through 17 (and counting) under the bus too. For reasons probably only your therapist can intuit, you were A-okay with this side dish arrangement.
Once he was caught, he called me after New Year’s day to tell me his spouse found out. The only thing I could say was “thank you for everything” and goodbye, while I was crying.
Thank you for everything?
Uh, thank you for siphoning time and marital funds away from your family to spend on me?
Thank you for risking my health fucking other women who aren’t me? (I assure you he’s not faithful to you and he still sleeps with his wife and whoever else.)
Best wishes for your continued deception! Thanks for letting me conspire in the abuse of another woman! It made me feel superior, except for when it made me feel desperate. I’ll always think fondly of 555-FUCK-WIT, your burner phone number. (I have it tattooed on my ass!)
Tracy, OP already feels worthless. Why are you piling on?
Because “The Chump Shameful Affair” isn’t a chump. I’ve had to point this out to mistresses who write me over and over again. Somehow they feel solidarity. He mindfucks me too!
You are NOT a chump.
You signed up for this. Chumps are people who didn’t know, who were conspired against. You, on the other hand, are a co-conspirator. You knew he was married and were willing to be a part of this secret arrangement, so long as you profited from it.
Suddenly, you stop profiting from it. (He’s busted.) NOW you want sympathy? From me?
Maybe I’m not in my place
but I just want to be honest and search for guidance.
Since that day, we’ve not been in contact. Seven months have gone by. He’s been married for 28 years. In our conversations he told me the typical things a married man says. He told me that he had multiple affairs and two of them lasted 10 years each, make the math!
Darling, you do the math. He’s never been faithful to anyone. Why did you waste 3.5 years of your life on a creepy old cheater?
I’m working with all the shame, guilt, and feeling hopeless and worthless.
Be different.
Let’s start with…
I don’t know who is going to believe this, but I’m not a home wrecker.
Yeah.
Sorry starts with accountability for your choices.
I’m not here to help you with that. I’m just a snarky blogger delivering bitchslaps.
Today I had a breakdown because I searched his daughter’s Instagram, only to find out that he is on vacation with his family, spending some quality time.
Stop cyberstalking. It’s pain shopping. Does your cheater appear deliriously happy with his family? He’d be deliriously happy with a ham sandwich. He’s not that deep. He’s probably texting other women from the toilet. (I get hundreds of letters with these stories.) But WHATEVER. He’s not in your life any longer.
Also his wife changed her profile pic with a photo of both of them laughing and hugging.
She knows you probably cyberstalk her. And she’s in this pick me dance to win it. Do you feel terrible? That’s probably her intention. Sit with it. For 3.5 years.
Look, I’m the Leave a Cheater lady. I don’t recommend reconciling with FWs, but those that do tend towards smug social media posts. LOOK AT ME AND MY PERFECT INTACT FAMILY! It’s not enviable, as you well know. So why are you looking?
You want him back.
I don’t want him back, since I said goodbye and walked away.
Bullshit. He dumped you when his affair was discovered by his wife. He hasn’t reached out in 7 months. You got used. You’re untangling the skein and trying to figure out why he didn’t fight for you. (Duh, he has a family and 28 years of sunk costs he doesn’t want to pay alimony and child support on.)
But when I saw the profile pic I just felt so much rage and anger.
Because he gets away with it? Because he gets to be happy after using you?
YOU FED HIS ENTITLEMENT.
You’re part and parcel of the unjust system of FW happiness. That is until it stopped benefitting you.
Go away.
CSA,
You need to learn to read the room ….. and this isn’t your room, by a long chalk.
LFTT
Harsh. But the best lessons learned usually are. As adults, we should take our lumps, wise up & move on. The married man is a total douche and being propped up by some willing women. Users like him have an eye & no regard for finding victims or participants. And that’s why he can dump & move on so easily. Shout out to the people in the back: the guy don’t give a fuck for anyone, but himself!!!!
It all occurred decades ago, but the.memory of it all still hurts. The privileged, very entitled older player ( a surgeon in the hospital ER where my early 20’s RN wife worked) and who was my FW wife’s first AP, eventually dumped her by singing ” Go away little girl” whenever she tried to meet up with him. Eventually, he had to break the spell that he had caste on her by plainly telling her he was not going to leave his wife and three kids.to be with FW. No doubt, the thought of losing his 4,400 sq ft upscale home with large swimming pool, tennis court, etc on 5 acres of woodland in a canyon in the Hollywood hills, loss of access to his children, loss of social standing and a substantial alimony/ child support judgement focussed his mind, especially when there were.other willing single and married nurses, x-ray techs, lab techs, clerical and office personnel and candy stripes and assorted female volunteers to exploit and shtup to his heart’s content. I think he preferred the challenge of married women, he certainly made a beeline to.mine until he grew bored with her. FW went into a deep funk after being dumped, although at the time, I had no clue as to why she was so.moody and depressed.
Harsh, but it takes a certain kind of chutzpah to come on to a support site for the people you’ve harmed and expect sympathy and advice. It takes chutzpah to imagine that as a willing, knowing OW you’re a “chump.” She wanted guidance and I gave it. Perhaps not the soft pillow she was expecting.
Don’t get me wrong, I agree with the harshness!!
We are ALL glad you didn’t go easy on her! She doesn’t deserve easy…
Chutzpah? I always associated chutzpah w/a bold but basically good character. Apparently, I was wrong. Merriam-Webster online dictionary says for a definition: supreme self-confidence (also NERVE and GALL).
She just strikes me as delusional , incredibly selfish and stupid. That is, your classic fuckwit/AP characteristics.
No empathy for her. In the words of Animal House: Zero, point, zero.🙄🤬
I think you gave great advice, as always, and she needs to hear it. And maybe she came here because she needs a slap in the face with the Wet Fish of Truth. She’s still yearning for this guy and fantasizing over him or she wouldn’t be peeking at his life and she needs to hear the downside and what she needs to do to stop this, for her sake, and for the family’s sake. Cause I could see this starting up again if he approached her in the future and that needs to be shut down. I bet there are a lot of cheaters and APs who read this blog for various reasons and maybe it has a positive impact on them, especially the APs. I still have some dim hope that some of humanity can be saved, LOL! Chumps may not be the only ones you help.
Mehitable,
I do think that CL could help aspiring APs not BECOME APs. Sure, it takes low/no character to be an AP. But I do think that plenty of them actually believe the whole “we are magical soul mates that the universe crafted to be together and we can’t help it because the heart wants what it wants” dreg.
In the meantime, the cheater has had multiple affairs and the AP has no idea.
Please don’t read this as sympathy for them, because it most definitely is not. But if enough people read CL, maybe some future-APs will NOT fall for the crap. Even one less AP can be a good thing.
I think so too! My hope is that people in general will become more aware of how devastating adultery is to individuals and how damaging it is to families and society in general. The propaganda that everyone does it or that it’s not that big a thing, etc, needs to be countered effectively and this site is one of the few doing it right now, but I think the day is coming when adultery will be seen as destructive and inherently harmful as domestic violence is now – and that was a long time coming!
What she did was harsh. She’s lucky if the worst thing that happens to her in life is the public thrashing of her idiotic anonymous letter.
CL,
It’s ether chutzpah, or a stunning lack of self-awareness/emotional intelligence.
I suspect the latter …. but then I would say that wouldn’t I?
LFTT
I’m w/LFTT on this one. And as LFTT just said, that fits me as well, doesn’t it?🤷♂️ Sorry, not sorry.
My guess is that she didn’t want advice. She wanted ATTENTION. Given her genuine imitation Naugahyde remorse, like most cheaters and AP she thinks the right words will get her a pass. Unfortunately for her, CL’s response is not the sort of attention that she can feed on over and over, just a hard and well-deserved smackdown.
YUP.
You were just a sperm bank to him and someone who validated his disordered ego; that’s it, that’s all. You are not a victim, you are a perp.
I can tell you the happy pictures are window dressing because I get to listen to others that have engaged in infidelity, and the mess that surrounds their life, makes me grateful I am no longer married to someone like that.
“I’m not a home wrecker!”
I’m really a cheap side whore who’s trying to convince myself that I was anything but a cheap side whore for 3 1/2 years.
If you really want to turn a corner and become a stand up woman you’ll first acknowledge that. Then decide you’re not going to fuck men with partners.
Until then you’re just trash….but you can be better.
“I’m not a home-wrecker.”
“I take full responsibility for my wrong-doings.”
These things don’t go together. I mean, he has wrecked his own home for 28 years, but you were a part of that for sure. Just not sure how you can say you’re not a home-wrecker.
Also this — “I just want to be honest …” You’re a little late on that one. Four years late. Seriously. I’m not going to pile on, because you’re in pain, but you still have some reckoning to do with yourself.
What about home de-stabilizer? Would that work for her?🙄
“I just want to be honest.” Lol, right? Excuse me while I buckle over in uncontrollable laughter.
Exactly, ChumpDchump. I have another moniker for her to try on for size; how about, relationship entropy enhancer? Just woman-up and admit you did a horrible thing, and you’re looking for people to support your sadz. You came to the wrong place.
And it’s not even like she reevaluated her choices. She was just fine with it until he called to tell her his wife knew.
She’d have happily continued with this arrangement.
This is an important point, kim, she didn’t voluntarily make this choice. HE DUMPED HER. If he hadn’t dumped her, she’d still be doing this.
“I just felt so much rage and anger”
Lady, you have NO idea what rage and anger really feel like!
Try standing in any one of our shoes to see how gaslighting and betrayal feels. Then you will know.
You put in 3.5 years with full knowledge of what you were doing. Try 20+ of wondering where your spouse is or what they’re doing and with whom. Then finding out they’ve been stealing time, money, your love, the love of their kids and risking your health and sanity. Destroying any faith you had. Trust me, you know nothing about rage and anger.
You deserve nothing. Certainly not sympathy. Not even the time it took Tracy to read your letter. Go away for sure.
I am glad for any pain you are feeling.
She still wants him back. Delusional.
I’m sorry it hurts. But sometimes pain is just the feeling of stupidity and entitlement leaving the body.
💀
Mic drop.
**wins price for fewest amount of words packing greatest amount of comedic wisdom**
🤣 😂 🔥 🤣 😂 🔥 🤣 😂 🔥
You’re not a homewrecker? A side piece is a homewrecker. Infidelity is a hit job that requires at least three people; someone pretending to be in a committed relationship, their secret side piece(s), and an unsuspecting committed partner.
If you know the person is in a committed relationship and are a willing side piece, you are a guilty and very fucked up perpetrator of catastrophic damage to that wife and children.
On behalf of my shattered daughter, may you be nailed to a cross and set on fire, may the fire not go out and may you not die.
That’s what it feels like to be cheated on.
May you experience the indescribable pain and suffering and irreparable damage you helped inflict, multiplied, and indefinitely.
That’s what justice looks like.
I wish the wife had kicked him to the curb.
As for therapy, as someone who has been regularly in therapy since 1986 (aka How To Be a Decent Person class) here’s a free one for you from my therapist about relationships, which she taught me in 1988:
1) People in committed exclusive relationships are not available to date. They’re not even available until they are officially out of the relationship and have sufficiently processed the end of it, which takes time, even if they are the ones who wanted to leave.
2) If you’re getting divorced, you don’t date until you’re officially divorced. You don’t bring anyone around your children until at least a year after that. She also told me hardly anyone ever does that. I am doing exactly that. Thanks to my former so-called husband and people like you, I may never trust anyone ever again. My daughter now has massive trust issues and sustained serious permanent damage on many levels as well. It’s a wound that goes all the way to the core for both of us that will need tending for the rest of our lives.
People cheat because they want to and they feel entitled to. It’s about YOUR character defects and HIS character defects, ,and has zero to do with the deceived partner.
Your wonderful boyfriend poured gasoline all over his wife and children while they were asleep. He handed you the matches, which you happily lit without a second though and threw on them.
People who are capable of love don’t do things they know will hurt other people.
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
I’d like to believe that this OW will learn from her experiences and do better in future, but coming to a support site for the very sort of people her thirst for attention has harmed and expecting a warm reception is… some kinda self-absorption. I can’t say I’m hugely optimistic.
Even if people are not motivated by the pain of others, sometimes you can appeal to them to change their behavior because of their own pain….to come.
“I am not a homewrecker”
Just because you say something, doesn’t make it true. You ARE a homewrecker. You willingly entered into a relationship with a married man. You knew what you were doing. You may be able to sell that bullshit someplace else but not here. What possessed you to write to ChumpLady I’ll never understand. Perhaps you think you’re one of us? You are NOT. Fuck off with your self pity and get the fuck off our turf. You do not belong here.
“I’m not a homewrecker.”
Why? Because you weren’t the one who took the vow? Because the home wasn’t actually “wrecked” and they are still together? (I can tell you that even though they are still together, that relationship is NOT OKAY). If you want to win a semantics argument, then you can claim your little victory. Congratulations. Here is what you DID do:
Knowingly participate in an affair with a married manKnowingly engage in a years’-long campaign of lies and deceit against his wifeThreatened the stability and integrity of a family involving childrenInevitably contributed to the diminution of the long term mental health of his wife and kids. As a child of a cheater, I can tell you that his kids will never be the same after they find out.Diverted time and finances away from his family, which includes childrenContributed to a heightened risk of STIs to his wife.Maybe you didn’t shoot the bank teller and grab the money, but you planned the heist, drove the getaway car, and shared the stolen loot. You are not some snowflake who lacks agency or free will, and you are certainly not a victim. You. Are. Culpable.
I suppose you are on this site and saying “I’m not a homewrecker” because you feel like shit and you want to put the culpability on him and save your own reputation. You will receive no absolution from this group. The only thing you can do is DO BETTER. You need to sit with the fact that there are people out there who will justifiably despise you for what you did. Is that painful? Well, we Chumps spend years being despised by spouses because we didn’t fold a towel correctly, or bought the wrong type of spaghetti sauce, or didn’t lose enough baby weight, or gave too much attention to the kids and not the FW. So, you can just sit there and get used to people not liking you. You can either learn and grow, or wrap yourself into your delusional cocoon. Your letter to this blog is not indicative of a good start.
Well…..Shameful Affair (cause you’re not a Chump)….where to begin. First, be honest with yourself….yeah, you want him back and YES, you would have broken up that marriage if you could have. You know it’s true and you need to be honest about this if you are ever going to change yourself so you don’t do shit like this again. You are a homewrecker who didn’t succeed. But you did aid him in diverting time, energy, and possibly money, away from his home and family. In the meantime….you wasted your OWN time, energy and money by not pursuing a single, available man. You thought you could hook this guy and he must have seemed like a better deal than anything else available in the past 4 years or so (including time since you’ve been dumped when you’re still obviously grieving.)
Learn to be honest with yourself about why you were willing to take this shameful role that helps to tear down someone else’s family. Why are you content to be the side piece? You obviously wanted more. You need to solve this for yourself to ensure that you never do anything like this again. And you need to stop pining over this asshole and yearning for his (actually HER) family life. I know you see her in those pics and you imagine yourself in them. Well, unless they have a mutually open marriage (which is a bizarre arrangement to me in itself) she’s not the happy woman she seems like, she puts on a face. And you wouldn’t be that happy woman if you were in her place either. NO ONE IS HAPPY WITH A CHEATER ESPECIALLY A SERIAL CHEATER. Ask me how I know. I tried for years to look the other way, but I knew on different levels….until he took off finally. You’re always on edge, always in a fight to try to keep Mr. Prize Package, always uncertain of the future, always wondering about other women you meet at parties….it’s a life based on constant anxiety, insecurity, jealousy, worry…..no one really WANTS to live like this and it’s not healthy, it’s just that some people can’t imagine any other way and they probably think they can’t do any better (which is what I thought). You would never be happy with this man if you actually had him full time BECAUSE HE’S NO GOOD. That rubs off on everything he’s involved with, including you. You are, unfortunately, just one in a long conga line that’s not gonna stop with you, whether you “won” him or not.
So stop feeling sorry for yourself, because this is a choice YOU made, and stop thinking you missed some great thing with him and his wife is a great winner in life, because she’s not. She’s made a shit load of compromises, probably for the kids. People will do almost anything to give their kids what they hope is a stable home. You really wouldn’t want to take that from children, would you? This is nearly 4 years out of your life that you lost that you could have spent trying to find an available man, building a relationship. You might be married with a kid of your own by now if you made that your goal. I know it’s hard to find, but this asshole isn’t the answer. AND DON’T EVER GO BACK TO HIM BECAUSE IF YOU GOT THAT CALL YOU KNOW YOU PROBABLY WOULD. DON’T. This story always has the same ending and he’s the only one who wins….the wife loses, the kids lose, and you lose. Try to understand what made you vulnerable to this, why you pursued it for so long, and what you can do better. Otherwise your dreams of homewrecking….and I know you had them….will become a reality.
“he must have seemed like a better deal than anything else available in the past 4 years or so.”
I’m sure there are plenty of people her age she could date who are a better deal than this guy. What she actually wanted was the thrill, excitement, and centrality of knowing that a man was willing to destroy his family and devastate his wife and kids for her.
Heck, I don’t even think she wants solidarity and sympathy from this group. I think she wants to be publicly flayed on this site because if she isn’t the center of attention, she will suffocate, so even bad attention is better than no attention. I don’t think she is enraged by the end of her relationship because she was betrayed or used – I think she is enraged because she wasn’t able to cause the destruction that she wanted.
If she actually felt remorse, she’d shut her cakehole and grapple with her shame in private therapy, and not come onto a cheater support group blog for “solidarity.”
I almost feel bad wasting the time and electrons writing this.
You might be right, but I try to start from the idea that someone is genuinely looking for some help, info, advice, way of looking at things differently, whatever, that might help them become a better person. Maybe that’s not true, but I’d rather risk, at first, that someone isn’t a total asshole and maybe can profit from good advice. I do think there are people who fall into affairs and especially with charming sexy guys like my long ago ex, they do think they can’t find anything better. Hell, I thought I couldn’t find anything better which is why I stayed. So, I’m hoping Shameful will read these responses and learn from them and become a better person. If she doesn’t….well, can’t say we didn’t try. Shameful…..it’s your choice what you become in the future….become BETTER!
You could be right! Hope so. Go forth and sin no more, as someone once said.
ChumpDChump,
THIS resonates SO hard: ““he must have seemed like a better deal than anything else available in the past 4 years or so.”
I’m sure there are plenty of people her age she could date who are a better deal than this guy. What she actually wanted was the thrill, excitement, and centrality of knowing that a man was willing to destroy his family and devastate his wife and kids for her.”
My FWs AP was 10 years younger than him and conventionally attractive. I’ve stopped trying to figure her out now, but for a long time I really was curious as to WHY she wanted HIM.
Sure, on paper, he is attractive, charming, gainfully employed and funny. But he also had 3 major red flags: Married, young kids, lived across the country,
A young woman looking like she did could have found any number of better options. At the very least a married guy with young kids that lived CLOSE. Honestly, I don’t think it would be crazy to suggest she could have found a single guy that lived nearby. Or at the very least a married guy with young kids that lived 2 states away vs the 11 he did. (You get my drift)
But I think your assessment is dead on. I think she perhaps liked the idea of “winning” him away from his wife and kids. Which, I suppose he has told her I am a terrible wife and deserve what I get. (which is hilarious as instead I am actually semi-fearing for my life and was nothing but good and loyal to that FW) . But what about the kids? What kind of monster takes pleasure in messing up a kid’s life?
I think another possible appeal is that she already knows he is capable of being a domesticated man as he already married, produced a family, has a job – that shows stability. An AP’s affair with a married man is the triumph of hopeful belief he will do the same for her….versus knowledge that he’s also a cheater and very capable of that again.
So.in essence she is just another disordered ego.mate poacher!
Yeah, the lack of agency is galling. I’m not buying the “I’m just an innocent little Bambi that was led down the garden path by a cheating monster” schtick. Is the husband a cheating monster? Absolutely. If he were writing in, we’d all rip him a new one.
She engaged in a 3.5 year long affair with a married man – Three and Half Years. This wasn’t an “oops.” This was three and a half years of decisions to engage in a relationship that most 8 year-olds could tell you was wrong.
She had options. She chose this.
And frankly, the whole dirge around losing the relationship is garbage. She invested nothing. She got all the attention, and fun, and sex without any of the bills, and kids, and mortgages. What a steaming pile of wet garbage.
Betting she hasn’t paid back her half of the tens of thousands in marital assets spent on the affair. All that bistro grub and bar binges add up, not to mention dirty weekends, hotels, etc. I’ve seen a lot of side piece “dirges” about regret and remorse but it’s funny how none ever mention plans to refurbish kids’ dissipated college funds.
If you want to hear real lament, if asset dissipation for affairs were ever legally categorized as “receipt of stolen property” and affair partners and escorts forced to pay it back to chumped families, the wailing would be audible from space.
Wow, I love that idea so much. If affair partners were liable for conversion of marital assets, that would be incredible.
I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for legislation to support it but it would make a lot of sense aside from being a coup for victims.
For one, something from nothing is nothing. A lot of cheaters put their families in debt through affairs or hooker habits and, even when ordered to pay back dissipated assets to a chump, this is going to diminish the overall assets that are split in any settlement. Therefore the most logical thing is to get back the Schmoopie’s share as well– half of all hotel bills, half of every bar or bistro splurge, the full price of any gift or payment, etc.
And, other than dickering over whether the schmoopie drank all those pink bubblegum cocktails or ate most of that overpriced gourmet pizza, there may be no way to wiggle out of paying. According to existing laws regarding receipt of stolen goods, pleading ignorance of the origins of property or assets is no defense so that, even if the side piece or escort claimed not to know the FW was married or wasn’t in an “open” marriage, they could still be ordered to pay criminal restitution for the value of anything they were given by FWs which wouldn’t afford the usual protections from civil debt collection like declaring bankruptcy.
Imagine how funny it would be if high end hookers demanded three forms of ID and a certified permission slip from spouses from every John and then, along with everyone on Tinder, doxed the hell out of every potential date’s marital status to ensure they wouldn’t end up on a legal hook to pay it all back and/or go to jail.
It would certainly be a deterrent to would-be side pieces, especially those in it for financial perks. When you have to go dutch with some old FW, the pastel filter tends to fall away very quickly and he’s going to look every bit his age. But that’s precisely why every FW in power would likely fight this kind of policy tooth and nail– because it would seriously thin the ranks of enthusiastic bangmaids.
I remember when I saw my exfw and whore standing on the little porch of their mother in law ad on to my sons house. The house used to be theirs but they filed bankruptcy due to massive gambling debts.
It was about six years after we D’d. I was walking by with my husband to look at my sons garden (he loved to garden). I did the cursory nod; but I know fw was humiliated by his circumstance. I assume all the dirty sex and conning was worth it.
I don’t get the commitment to something that was on rocky ground as it was. What did she expect?
I worked with a lady who had a series of work affairs, and none of them left their spouses for her. They’d eventually dump her, and then she’d go and find another job while the man went on. I finally lost track of her about a decade ago when she was in her early 50s, which is probably a little late for these types of dalliances. Who knows.
In thinking about how these affairs start, I bet it’s the idea that this is just a risky, sexy fun thing they do, maybe once a week or whatever…oh no, it doesn’t mean anything, it’s not gonna affect anyone’s life or marriage….it’s like having a candy bar on a diet. They call that cheating too. It’s a (very) brief interlude, and what people don’t know won’t hurt them, right? I think that’s often how it starts and how does it end up? With our letter writer. People are weak, sex is strong, people need to learn DON’T EVER START. Stop right at the flirting and making eyes and little jokes and then little hand touches etc. STOP. People don’t make a decision to cheat or be involved with a cheater like jumping into a death cage match with Tyson Fury. It starts with little exploratory things and builds on it until….you get trapped by your own heart and desires….talking about YOU…..Shameful Affair. Don’t ever let yourself get into a situation like this again, stop it right at the first wink or the first mildly dirty joke or the first staying a little later after work, or whatever. These are not innocent things, they are the build-up to a break down. Put your energy into positive things that build up a real life for you that’s not built on deceit and someone else’s unhappiness.
Oh and the chaos and waves of ever increasing pain that result from crossing the threshold of successive boundaries …it’s a deadly sequence of little steps, but once traversed there is.no return to innocence, it is lost for ever. The violation of your.partner is complete, even if the sex is a one off occurrence. Nothing is ever the same again, and soon the.PEA, Oxytocin, Norepinephrine, Vasopressin and Dopamine take control.of your emotions.The couple bond with your spouse is ruptured and everything falls apart, at which point the innocent get hurt, spouses, children, parents, siblings, nobody is spared.
This is how.my FW wife’s first affair started while I was away.on a six week extended business trip.A “little fling” with one of her doctor co-workers is how she.tried to rationalize it_ besides all the other nurses were screwing one or more of the Residents and Interns, as she put it, when trying to justify the unjustifiable. FW does, I feel, deeply regret her insouciant betrayal.of me, but it is too.little, way too.late.
This is so utterly true – you can’t go back to the beauty and innocence of the trust and belonging and uniqueness of what once was. When your spouse has an affair with another person, it just inherently shatters all of that. There are people who are able to make a new relationship with an ex spouse sometimes years down the road, but it IS a NEW relationship, it’s not what once existed. You can’t unbreak the Ming vase. Once you’ve shattered what you and your spouse have uniquely between you by bringing in someone else, you can’t get that back between you – there’s always the shadow of another person there….from the past or possibly the future.
Which is why 54 years later, I have filed for divorce. The kids, including the doctor’s son whom I raised as my child unaware of FW’s treachery are devastated, but all three adult children understand that I must do this for my own sanity and well-being.
As a very practical.matter too, once the chester has enjoyed that high, that thrill and illicit excitement of the extra marital sex and emotional connection, they are unable to give it up. When my FW wife’s doctor AP moved on, she.mourned the less of the kibbles, until a year later she started screwing doctor #2 at another hospital.
We’ve heard it all before.
What you both had was special- no ordinary love- correct, it was a shady, tawdry cheat a palooza that deeply hurt another woman- and innocent children.
He’s no prize but what about her and the kids?
You hurt innocent people who didn’t deserve the hell they went through.
Go away and stay away- do better and have some respect for yourself next time a man shows interest.
Is this letter even real? Doesn’t seem possible that someone wrote this to you given the very clear and shared life story binding us all together in Chump Nation. It’s almost too much of a parody of how I imagine the delusional thinking of an OW and easy pickings.
“I don’t know who is going to believe this, but I’m not a homewrecker.”
No one. No one is going to believe you. You are the very DEFINITION of a homewrecker — so your self-delusion is black belt level effective. Seek therapy. That is, if you’re real.
The OW in my story wrote me a letter post D-Day in which she so clearly saw herself as a victim, indignant over my very existence on planet Earth and parroted all my FW’s talking points — but revealed she very much KNEW she was having an affair with a married man (5 yr affair…14 yr marriage/16 yrs together). She tried to take the moral high ground throughout her writing and I laughed out loud in disbelief while reading it.
The day I found out she existed, I kicked my husband out of my house within one hour of discovery. Went no contact. Never looked back. Never responded to her. Then I found Chump Nation and felt validated that there was NOTHING I did to cause it to happen and NOTHING I could do to fix it. To this day, I marvel at the tone, warped perspective, self-delusion, moral outrage (towards me!), and virtue signaling of this woman who was leading a double life with my STBX for years. I don’t get it. To this day (17 months post D-day), I have never spoken with her. What would be the point?
” Then I found Chump Nation and felt validated that there was NOTHING I did to cause it to happen and NOTHING I could do to fix it.”
My FW had me so very deeply gaslit that while I understood it was his fault that he cheated, I still found moments where I took the blame. It’s been 4 years since D-Day. And 1 year post-separation and I STILL fall into moments where I blame myself.
But here is the thing, he cheated on his partner before me too. In spectacular ways. So how could his cheating on me be directly related to ME and my shortcomings? I am not the first person he cheated on. He has a long standing history of it that pre-dates ME and my supposed “shortcomings”.
You must be new here. I get letters from OW all the time. The archive is full of them. Usually they’re asking me if they should tell the chump (yes, even if your motives aren’t pure.) Or, like this woman, they think they’re chumps too because he lied to them. This is a gendered thing. Only once have I had a male affair partner write in.
Yes I am “new” here lol. Well…new in the sense that was my first post. I’ve been lurking in the comments for a year. 🙂 Love this community. It is particularly helpful when others put words to what I think is a complex, nuanced, and particular experience or emotion I had and I think…..”Perfect. Yes that explains things. Exactly the mess in my brain but more succinct. They get it” Happens all the time and helps with my healing.
It’s easy to say you are not a HomeWrecker when he didn’t choose you or give you that option.
If he had instead shown up at your door, divorce papers in hand, and crying children left behind, would you still say the same? Or would you have let him in and been the one changing your profile picture to a happy/smiley couple selfie for his Wife to find?
ChumpLady isn’t being nice, but she is being kind. It is kind to be honest and tell you the truth about this man. That he is shallow and not a healthy partner for anyone. That he probably did you a quiet favor by not showing up at your door and then months/years down the road you start noticing he has hidden his phone notifications and is disappearing at random times.
You made some shitty selfish choices, but you dodged a bullet and are fairly unscathed. You are not pregnant, you don’t have to go through a huge stressful divorce, you don’t have to deal with years of co-parenting with a liar, and you are not paying alimony into his vacation fund; all things Chumps here are still enduring. Now you have a choice, are you going to continue to be this person who was content to spend years playing around behind another woman’s back, or are you going to figure out your shit?
Are you going to accept what you did, examine yourself to understand why, and keep working with your therapist to never do this again? Or will you make excuses and end up back under the sheets of a bed that isn’t yours?
You lost some time, but still have the chance to work on yourself and have a healthy, functional, and honest relationship with someone in the future. But only if you listen now and start being a heck of a lot more honest with yourself.
⏫️⏫️⏫️⏫️⏫️💪☝️This
One more thing Shameful Affair…..kim2003 below pointed out something incredibly important that I want to really reiterate and focus on for a moment: YOU DIDN’T END THE AFFAIR, HE DID. He dumped YOU. If he hadn’t dumped you, you’d still be involved with him and probably heading towards Year 5. This is why I warn you not to go back – ever – if he contacts you. Because YOU didn’t end this and you really have to come to a place in your head where you realize that YOU ending this is the best decision for everyone including yourself. YOU have to want to end this because it’s wrong, it’s bad for you, it’s bad for the wife, it’s bad for his kids, it’s bad for society….there’s nothing good or positive that comes out of this. If you got him, you would start regretting it, not the least of which is….he’ll cheat on you too. You must know he was still having sex with his wife. And he may have also been seeing other women in addition to you, too. They like back-up plans.
Come to the place in your head and heart where YOU end the affair because it’s a bad choice and destructive and you can do better, both practically and as a human being.
Imagine needing attention so badly that you engage in the destruction of a marriage and then come to a cheating support group for sympathy. I hope this person seeks genuine professional help.
I don’t get it. Dating a married man is just asking for trouble in my book. Sure, it’s secretive and exciting, but the number of those relationships that actually go the distance is very small. I watched several of those go on for years at work, and all of them fizzled.
Coming to a site for recovery from infidelity is barking up the wrong tree. The writer needs to figure out why they dated a married man with this level of commitment.
Maybe she needs to hear a hard truth and it’s hard to come by in our society. So much of our society is geared towards excusing or enabling or apologizing for cheating that she needs an honest answer. And she’s gonna get it from CL and this site. Sometimes you just need to get slapped in the face by The Wet Fish of Truth.
My.mother, when she heard of my wife’s betrayal.of her son, remarked ” That woman needs a wet kipper slapped upside her head”… which provoked the first good laugh I had enjoyed since the first DDay.
Love it. The Wet Fish of Truth. That made my day.
There are many ways that infidelity go…
Two common routes:
Chump finds out, Affair partner (AP) gets dumped.
Chump finds out, Cheater leaves Chump for AP.
So, Shameful falls into the former camp. When they say that they aren’t a home wreaker, I am genuinely curious WHY they think that? Judging by their letter, they knew he was married and continued the affair anyway. That is typically what defines a home wreaker. (vs an AP that had no idea the cheater was married and who leaves upon finding out.)
Maybe Shameful just never MEANT to be a home wreaker? But they were in the role all the same. Or the fact that he went back to his wife and hence, the home is not _yet_wreaked. (But give it time as these reconciliations don’t always last, that home may be wreaked yet)
Look, we aren’t here to support Affair Partners. But I can acknowledge that the AP’s frequently are also being lied to. My sympathy is scarce on that as the AP here had A LOT more info than the Chump.
Shameful, you knew he was married. So that means you knew he was a liar. And you knew he had two other 10 year affairs, so you knew that he was not only capable of cheating, but of term cheating. it is not clear if the wife knew ANY of this. She certainly didn’t know about Shameful until 3.5 years in.
He’s with his family because divorce is expensive. But don’t worry, he will be out there cheating soon enough.
“I am not a homewrecker,” insisted the homewrecker seeking sympathy for wrecking a home from folks who had their homes wrecked by similar homewreckers. #UmYesYesYouAre
😂Perfect response! 👍
🎵You say tomato, and I say tomata….
You say home wrecker, and I say family destroyer.
Tomato,tomata, home wrecker, family destroyer……
Let’s call the whole thing off! 🎵( PLEASE!)
Find another blog for your kind, ‘ Shameful Affair’.
Try looking under L for liars, or W for wreckers.
You don’t fit in the C for Chumps category.
SAP = Shameful Affair Partner
My #1 cheater married his AP and left me with a new baby and 6 year old. The Wifress has said, well he wasn’t happy with you but HE IS HAPPY WITH ME. So APs are good Samaritans Saving unhappy Married men from boredom, inompatability, and a horrible sunken lives. I think you can Shake & Bake this anyway you like but sad sausages are still in the pan. He’s shallow and uses people, so are you. Cheaters are like 2 year Olds happy with a rattle to shake, not deep, no real human feelings, just actors on the stage of life. Looking for whomever will get fished out of the shallow pond. OW are shallow too with no true human feelings except what benefits them. Case closed. Get your own life and leave us chumps alone.
“You are NOT a chump.”
“You signed up for this. Chumps are people who didn’t know, who were conspired against. You, on the other hand, are a co-conspirator. You knew he was married and were willing to be a part of this secret arrangement, so long as you profited from it.
Suddenly, you stop profiting from it. (He’s busted.) NOW you want sympathy? From me?”
This Bitch, who chose to be the OW and HOME WRECKER, needs to crawl back under the rock she came out from under. Affair partners don’t get sympathy here. Be gone.
I’m kind of a novice at untangling the skein of cheating but I’m an old hat at untangling the skein of domestic abuse because it’s what I did for many years as an advocate for survivors. Maybe my experience has a bit of crossover value since, in my experience, virtually all abusers cheat. So, for what my experience is worth, one of the big reasons domestic abusers cheat is because no one more than an affair partner is as invested in fully believing and enabling an abuser’s bullshit reasons why their victims deserved it and why the bitch had it coming.
Basically the main job of an affair partner is to say “Yes, honey, you’re an innocent, wonderful human being and s/he’s a diabolical, evil cunt who deserves to suffer, rot in poverty if not die!”
Affair partners– at least the ones who go into it understanding that they’re bonking someone in a committed relationship and probably receiving stolen goods if they accept gifts or amenities– are basically “hired” as cheerleaders for emotional, psychological or even physical abuse of primary partners that has probably gone on for years and years. What makes witting affair partners not exactly innocent dupes in this is the big hint that the cheater was cheating in the first place.
If a witting side piece were to get actually effective therapy, it would have to address why they were willing to participate in committing unjustifiable harm against another person or even a family because no normal person with normal empathy would ever get drawn into playing the role of proxy abuser.
I agree over all. I also think there are many (likely more women) who are struggling and are looking for someone to help pay the bills. If they can’t compete for a single person, they will go for the low hanging fruit. Oh they tell themselves it is the love of their life blah blah blah, but that paycheck and benefits is what they are after.
I have seen it many times over, it is usually pretty obvious. Whores always get paid, one way or the other.
But it does fit into your reasoning, if they had other options no self respecting person would go that route. Two low life’s find each other and off to the races.
When I read your letter I felt ick.
There is something about your attitudes in the writing that’s self centred and repulsive (even still, even after the end of the affair).
– You’re not reflecting on your role and sorrow in dismantling the well being of five innocent children.
– You’re not reflecting on your role and sorrow in dismantling the well being of an innocent chump.
Instead, you feel enraged and angry at seeing a picture of him and his wife on social media, which your stalky self has come across as you track this man’s poor family.
You are enraged and angry because (you still think, even still) that he should have picked you.
You, wonderful you.
He should have left her and those five thingamajiggies/ whatchamacallits and married wonderful you.
That’s what you’re really thinking.
He didn’t and you don’t like it. Whahh not fair..
Sucks to be you.
You’re a co- conspirator in very real abuse.
If there’s to be any hope for your future character development and therefore future actions it would be to work on developing true accountability and empathy for those you’ve harmed.
At the moment you are such a blinkered person, your ‘harm’ awareness only extends to yourself (why am I not surprised).
You are not special.
You caused harm.
Deal with that in therapy, and until you have, piss off.
ha! MY STBX AP was upset that it didnt look like we were ” separating” after I posted FB pictures of us on a trip in Nov. (he told AP we had separated). It upset her to see us “happy”. little did i know he was still playing both of us. My STBX still hasn’t made it to her place in Maine 670 miles from where we live. I threw him our 2 months ago. Many of our friends and family do not think he will ever go to her.The OW in this post is getting what she deserves in my opinion. She was not chumped! She is the Shmoopie! Doesn’t she know Shmoopies are out of place here?
I’m almost at MEH. Tuesday is almost here. Telling you how Im mighty…Stay tuned!
Dear “I’m not a Homewrecker,”
If you are still here—you’re a fucking homewrecker. The literal definition. Are you very young or perhaps stupid or gullible or shallow as a puddle of piss? All those probably fit and make you a fine target for a no character cheater. Is that why you commented for Chump Lady to do the math—because that kinda stuff just confuses you? Hey, I have a suggestion: walk out in front of a bus.
If this AP believes she’s a chump who’s somehow been wronged by a run-of-the-mill FW cheater, she must’ve been dropped on her head. DO BETTER.
Dear Hoe:
Imagine this…you do not even rise to the level of homewrecker. Epic fail. Also, you only lasted 35% as long as the other hoes. Guess your p***y is as unspectacular as the rest of you.
Oh the lying FW decided to lie to his sidepiece. His wife didn’t find out, he just got bored with Schmoopie and wanted to end it.