She Dumped a Cheater Immediately Thanks to CN
Thanks to Chump Nation, she dumped her cheater and didn’t fall for his manipulations. She writes to tell us where she is a year after D-Day.
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Dear Chump Lady,
It’s been a little over a year since I wrote you, as I was wading through the leveled city that was my life in the aftermath of D-Day. I wanted to give you (and your fabulous Chump Nation) an update.
Reader: I AM DIVORCED.
(Ding dong the witch is dead. Which old witch? Oh, my marriage.)
Not only am I divorced, I live 2,000 miles from my FW, in a gorgeous apartment in a lovely walkable neighborhood, closer to friends, family members, and business partners, with a big full life around me.
I felt alllllll the feelings. I took a lot of time to myself, I overshared. Then, I drank way too much wine, then traded that for a Xanax prescription. Then I went back to the wine …. then found a healthy way to taper. My mom died after a long illness. I gained 25 pounds. And, at a certain point, I picked myself up and focused on moving forward — physically, mentally, emotionally, geographically. Last month, I was walking around in my new life — one based on MY preferences and MY choices (which, it won’t surprise you, never held much interest for my cheater) — and I thought:
I wish I would have known that this life was possible, because I might have left my marriage sooner.
One of the very large debts I owe to LACGAL and this website was how quickly it allowed me to clock my cheater. It was like a bucket of cold water to the face. I thought my husband was my best friend, my home base, had my best interests at heart, and was just a little tricky emotionally. It took your book — and allllll the Chump Nation letters and stories — to help me see that, no, he wasn’t emotionally touchy — he was DELIBERATELY undermining me. He was adept at manipulating situations so that he was one-up and I was one-down. He wanted it that way.
That revelation cast everything in a new light. It exposed a dynamic where I kept trying to engage in good faith with someone who was not. It was a rigged game, one designed to keep me failing and on the back foot (but desperately trying to make up ground), using the best, most loving parts of myself against me … all while he did whatever he wanted.
LACGAL and Chump Nation helped me to see the devalue/discard loop for what it was and quit trying, permanently, pretty much overnight.
You gave me a fuckwit decoder ring right when I needed it. And it helped everything that followed make sense, which in turn helped me to navigate it, while still reeling from the worst shock of my life.
Oh, a non-acknowledgement acknowledgement followed by months of radio silence …. followed by artless hoovering …. followed by radio silence? Yep, that’s a fuckwit for you. Maybe Schmoopie was out of town for that middle part.
While I didn’t take your advice to go completely no contact (I know, I know), I only saw him a few times in between D-Day and the day the divorce was final 9 months later. And I had my eyes wide open the whole time.
When he tried to recruit me into a pick me dance (he offered to reconcile, but only after making it clear he was already sleeping with other people since, after all, I was the one who had filed for divorce….)? I could see the “you’re not the boss of me” move for what it was and declined.
When he spent the majority of a meet-up subtly cataloging all my faults — including, of course, how I had informed him that I’d learned about the cheating, which apparently was all wrong and highly offensive (“it’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it”) — I could see the mindfuck blender for what it was and just ended the conversation.
When he sent me an multi-page email detailing his visit to an urgent care that was designed to (somehow?) prove he had not actually given me the STD he gave me since men can’t be tested for it (?) in a weird attempt to force a reconciliation, I simply wrote back: Cheating is a deal breaker, no matter when it happened. It’s over.
Gray rock communication is a beautiful thing.
When my lawyer wanted me to ask him something, I texted him to ask it. He launched into a whole diatribe about how it was too bad that I was so hurt and bitter and angry ….. and I simply restated the question I had asked him and got an answer.
Clarity is bracing. It sets you free. “Trust that they suck” was the motto I needed to hear. I spent zero time searching for answers or demanding details. Sure, I can guess a lot but know nothing. I just picked up and moved on. And anytime anyone asks about it, I give full credit to LACGAL and this website.
Your mindset and worldview also helped me navigate any shame I might have otherwise felt. I’m twice divorced? At least I value myself enough not to spend one more second with a fuckwit who is only out for himself. Would I have liked to stay married? Sure. But not so much I was willing to put up with that kind of treatment.
Ultimately, I decided that the most radical thing I could do after years of being subtly devalued (and tolerating it) was to decide I was a high-value person and treat myself accordingly. That turns out to be a very useful yardstick with which to approach life; I wish I’d done it sooner.
In a recent post, you wrote: “It’s the rare superstar who gets this shit right on the first go and protects themselves and leaves. (Keep changing the narrative, CN.)” I am here to tell you that — thanks entirely to your book and the deep archives of your blog, which I mainlined for about a month straight — I got that superstar exit and a lot of peace of mind.
Thank you for everything you do — your work changed my life.
Signed,
Standing on the Shoulders of the Mighty Chumps Before Me
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Dear Standing on the Shoulders of the Mighty Chumps Before Me,
What an incredible letter! Thank you! You dumped that cheater and we all get to revel in your mightiness!
I had to run this on a Tuesday, of course. (The day the pain stops, for any of the newbies out there.)
Kudos for putting 2,000 miles of distance between you and the fuckwit. I love that your new life is full of the people and surroundings YOU choose. And that your FW is alone with his poxed dick.
CN, let’s give Shoulders a round of applause! And in the comments perhaps share your favorite part of this story. Mine would be how Shoulders navigated communication through the lawyer.
When my lawyer wanted me to ask him something, I texted him to ask it. He launched into a whole diatribe about how it was too bad that I was so hurt and bitter and angry ….. and I simply restated the question I had asked him and got an answer.
Oh, the poor sausage. Demoted to texts. How’s that devalue feel? Lost your centrality, sir?
Happy Tuesday, CN!
“Ultimately, I decided that the most radical thing I could do after years of being subtly devalued (and tolerating it) was to decide I was a high-value person and treat myself accordingly.”
Right now, sadly, I know that I’m not worth “relationshipping” because I’m still going through the whole “restrict, remove, rebuild, restructure” process.
Been a two year process and it sucks, and I find it….
….tiring.
This, unfortunately, lowers any value I have at least for the time being.
Like having a lien put on me until the stink of her goes away.
Clear up the metaphorical lien, and value increases.
Glad to see someone else who got through it.
Gives me some hope.
God willing my ex won’t swoop in to destroy everything like she did throughout our entire marriage.
Hi Matt
I meant to reply to you but posted a new one instead by mistake – but it is in response to you! 🙂 Big hugs.
ps the table thing – I once read a comment somewhere, about potential partners/dates wanting to know what you bring to the table. The response is “I AM the fucking table!)
😉 made me laugh anyway!
Hi Matt,
Someone shared with me this slightly obscure, very humane theory from a slightly obscure Polish psychoanalyst back when I working with abuse survivors. I think it’s poetically beautiful, sort of like the concept of kintsugi pottery. I especially like how it upends and inverts the ugly concepts of “baggage” and “damaged goods” that frequently get flung at survivors of all sorts of things. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Positive_disintegration
The theory of positive disintegration (TPD) is an idea of personality development developed by Polish psychologist Kazimierz Dąbrowski. Unlike mainstream psychology, the theory views psychological tension and anxiety as necessary for personal growth. These “disintegrative” processes are “positive”, whereas people who fail to go through positive disintegration may stop at “primary integration”, possessing individuality but nevertheless lacking an autonomous personality and remaining impressionable. Entering into disintegration and subsequent higher processes of development occurs through developmental potential, including over-excitability and hypersensitivity.
The theory also validated a sense I was getting that survivors, no matter what hot messes they may have been in when first reached out of the pit of abuse for support, so often ended up being sort of bionic: smarter, stronger, wiser, funnier and more fabulous than average. They glow. I once saw a former client of the network I worked for on Nancy Grace. She was a monosyllabic teen when I first encountered her but, as a young adult, was kicking ass like a boss, all synapses firing. It was extraordinary but it wasn’t the first time I’d seen this.
But none of that means that abuse is good for people, I learned that appreciating the personal evolution that can follow misfortune isn’t the same as “thanking” the forces of evil for any positive outcomes. I never thank evil for the “education” it provides because doing so would be like wishing the same first hand “education” on others. As a wise friend put it, I’d rather everyone else read about it in books and learn that way rather than go through it personally. But there’s no denying that the education– however it’s gotten– can sometimes make people wiser, stronger, more integritous, etc. Survivors survive and thrive in spite of evil and thanks only to themselves and fellow survivors who supported them through the process.
It’s not a boat anyone wants to be in but as long as we’re here, at least the company is stellar.
As always, love reading your clear-eyed wisdom x
Geez, I’ve had several “educations”.
The issue is that right now I can’t bring my best to the table.
And I don’t know when I will be able to.
This bothers me to no end for some reason.
And I know it shouldn’t.
Join the rest of us gloriously inadequate tossers.
Something someone I worked with said that’s stuck with me forever is that “harmlessness is the only glamor.” She didn’t mean “harmless” as in weak and defenseless. She meant simply people who don’t harm the innocent.
If you think about it, that’s not actually a low bar because harm can be caused by omission– failing to defend the innocent or what’s right, etc. It requires courage. But being harmless is ultimately doable and it’s reassuring to think this is enough.
Been where you are. It is not fun. May I recommend throwing the table, and this lingering idea of what constitutes “your best” out the nearest window?
You are water and bone, fluid and solid. What you bring to any given situation will continue to evolve as long as you continue to breathe.
You got this, my brother. You do.
Matt,
I hear you! Ye Gods and Little Fishes, I hear you, brother.
First of all, your ex CAN’T swoop in unless you let her. She is your ex. She betrayed you. Any further contact invites more hurt and abuse. I am going to guess that you didn’t see yourself as “lower value” before she started her bullshit. That should tell you…pretty much everything you need to know about any sort of engagement with her ever again. Let her destroy herself-it sounds like she is WELL down that path. You owe her nothing. She screwed all of that up when she betrayed you. She gave away the rights of your “give a damn.”
I know the feeling all too well. The phrase “damaged goods” floats around my pre-frontal about myself “after all that” in my darker moments. I know deep down it’s not true. My fuckwit did a lot of damage-true. Sounds like yours did, too. That’s what they do though. They devalue. They gaslight and crazy-make and keep us on their particular hook. We loved and trusted them like we were supposed to-and that says nothing wrong about us for being victimized. We come here to make the decisions to stop being their victims. I am finding that a big part of that is re-evaluating every single negative message they affirmed in us. We trust that THEY suck-we have to look at ourselves and remember that WE don’t suck.
I want to start dating again…but my life is still something of a god-damned mess. Any prospective partner deserves my best-I know I can’t give that right now. Because God help any poor soul that wants to share a heart with me when I’m functioning well, much less the little I can genuinely give at the moment. You really do have to love yourself before you can give real love to another.
You and I have a lot of work to do still, brother. And that’s ok! Love found us once-it will find us again. And we’ll be better prepared for it and be better lovers when that time comes. You are still valuable and worthy of love-even if you feel that value is lowered(as my father would say, “non-zero positive value is still value.”)
The neat thing is that you’re further down the road than I am. I know some cold Tuesday morning like today I’m going to see YOUR letter here! And I am excited for that day!
Stay Mighty! We believe in you!
I hear you.
Just wish it wasn’t dragging out so much.
And it often feels like I’m the one being punished because she couldn’t keep her clothes on around other men.
Believe me, I hear you on that one too. They ran around, left literal messes, were ABUSIVE, we supported them through their stuff, were faithful, and WE got stuck with the check!
That is the kind of thing that keeps me no contact. I am not ok being treated like that.
You have high value BECAUSE you are working to make your own life better. You are showing youself that you are worth the energy you gave to her.
This is the action of someone who has high emotional intelligence. You, working on your own life, are not making others deal with it. You are mighty and this just doubles down on that. Your value does not lie in someone wanting you. Your value is intrinsic, and no one can take that from you!
No! You are not lower value, you just don’t have a lot to give to a new relationship right now. That doesn’t mean you don’t value yourself or settle for others treating you as less than.
I know it sucks, and we all go through it. You will get there. Just because you’re not already at the end of the process doesn’t make you less. You know you’re worth putting in the work or you wouldn’t be doing it!
Dontfeellikedancin is right, Matt. You are not of low value, you are healing and you owe yourself and your future partner a healed version of yourself that will allow you to flourish in a new, safe love.
I reentered the dating pool a little too early (6 months after Cheaters death) and my nowhusband reentered what might be described as “too late” (basically one date in 12 years, but Im thankful that he did this because he was available for me when I became free to date). I suffered through the indignity of emotionally vomiting way too much to early dates and he healed well except for the part of you that can only figure stuff out in the context of a new relationship.
Here at CN, we know that women are FWs too so we dont assume that all Cheaters are male even when it does tend to be more prevalent for males to do this. I say this to point out that good men who are capable and willing to be faithful partners are like gold on the Dating Market among women who were faithful but betrayed. 100% of middle aged divorced/dating men tell us that the divorce wasn’t their fault and 80% are lying. Once a prospective partner figures out (by observing the overall virtue in your character) that you are part of the 20% (OK, my percentages are a guess but stay with me here) she will be thankful and value you for the treasure you are.
Living in a state of being devalued can play tricks with our minds. I remember seeing healthy loving behavior between partners and saying to myself “Quit even hoping, Uni, that will never be your life” and I was wrong. My now-partner (together 11 years) is human and imperfect but devoted and actually puts in the work to listen and strive for ongoing growth in our union.
Be kind and patient with yourself and dont settle for less than a person who will reciprocate the goodness you offer.
Way to be mighty!
As another ‘One and Done’ chump, I also attribute not getting my head stuck in that mindfuck blender to CL and LACGAL. I had some family members suggesting that I should perhaps give him a chance, it was his ‘first’ misdemeanor, but it just wasn’t sitting right with my gut. I have two teenage girls and by accepting his cheating what kind of example was I setting them?
Finding and reading the book was like a refreshing breeze blowing through me, finally some solid advice to leave his cheating ass and build a life for myself. None of it was easy, I was such a mess, but somehow 2 years later, though not divorced yet (thanks slow clunky legal system) the end is in sight and my Tuesday looms. I couldn’t have done it without the Nation and my frequent walks with LACGAL on Audio repeat. Heartfelt thanks CL and congrats and Cheers to Shoulders. You are both truly Mighty!!
I’ve obsessively watched videos, read articles etc since D Day, mainly about NPD, but the one I’ve stuck with is CL. I think it because of the humour of CL (because let’s face it when the dust has settled many FWs aren’t overtly dangerous, they are just clowns), as well as the various insights and stories of chumps who comment on here and the shared resilience of this community.
If it weren’t for CL who would have known that shaved balls, bad breath and an oily scalp were red flags for a double life.
My ex had formal NPD/BPD diagnoses, so yes, I overdosed on that type of thing at times, trying to make sense of what I experienced. But I will never get that way of thinking or why my ex embraced it. Yes, there was childhood trauma and perhaps a genetic component, but at this point, it really doesn’t matter.
CL is forward thinking with a side of snark. That’s what I need. I got out of the marriage. Our kids are acing adulthood. I am happily semi-retired. All good!
P.s. but it still sucks to realise you married a loser, or bred with a FW.
YES. Sucks.
Yup. Several decades together and two kids. Ouch.
“Then, I drank way too much wine, then traded that for a Xanax prescription. Then I went back to the wine …. then found a healthy way to taper. My mom died after a long illness. I gained 25 pounds.”
Just a reminder that 12 Step programs are available on-line and in every community. While they do not replace individual therapy, meetings can offer a community of people who are equally focused on emotional sobriety. Understanding what you can’t control, doing the next right thing, replacing overindulging with healthy habits are all discussed.
I appreciate that OP didn’t edit out the struggle. After being interdependent with a source of active harm, sometimes there’s a period of reaching for supports that could harm if overdone. Ideally, we get to habits that one can indulge in with minimal risk; I’m glad OP showed the arc of her mightiness.
Very true. I know I drank a lot of wine after D day. It wasn’t good for me, but it did help at the time- in vino veritas!
Be more careful as 12 step ALANON groups may help you stay with the cycle of abuse also..but you can and do learn to get your act and life together first and then leave. I was helped and strength 💪 was given me but 12 steps takes time to learn and sometimes you must get out FIRST then find yourself respect.
Yes, like anything else, there are good and bad 12-step groups. Like therapists, if it’s not helping you, move on. Give it some time, but don’t feel obligated.
Elsie, the 12steps helped me stay but when it was time to leave….i talked to my sponsor and she helped me make the tough decision to run!
Good for you! Several of my sponsees have left as well. Only one of them is still in the program, and that’s perfectly fine. Use it for what you need!
This part was very succinct and sums up our journey so well : “It exposed a dynamic where I kept trying to engage in good faith with someone who was not. It was a rigged game, one designed to keep me failing and on the back foot (but desperately trying to make up ground), using the best, most loving parts of myself against me..”
Followed by this little gem…
“You gave me a fuckwit decoder ring right when I needed it.”
bc yes.. CL and Nation is like having a decoder ring. It saved my life bc the ex was indeed dangerous.
Mine 2..both of them.power over
All my exes were abusive bc that was my childhood. This group and a good therapist are the reasons I was finally able to step out of the cycle at 59yo. #forevergrateful
Blue wolf,,abuse felt like home and this time IM GONNA CHANGE HIM to be the man my father never was…..it didn’t work…no not x2…so I gave up on my choice of men..I am so happy and at peace alone
“I thought my husband was my best friend, my home base, had my best interests at heart, and was just a little tricky emotionally. It took your book — and allllll the Chump Nation letters and stories — to help me see that, no, he wasn’t emotionally touchy — he was DELIBERATELY undermining me. He was adept at manipulating situations so that he was one-up and I was one-down. He wanted it that way.“
Same. And the realization was the same. Deliberately undermining me for years. Well said our Might Friend! Sounds like you are FW free. While I am tied up in endless litigation bc FW doesn’t like the court order, I am happy you did not breed with a FW and can immediately move forward and onward and upward! Congratulations on gaining a life immediately!
same for me. it’s a thing to fully grasp the undermining, so slow, so subtle. my X then used my diminishing self esteem on the long list of personal failings he titled “you didn’t amount to much”. at the end of the diatribe, he asked if i wanted to talk about anything of the items, and i laughed and said, “if you ever go to rehab and work a program, maybe. but no.”
at the time, i believed his behaviour was rooted in alcoholism, but have since learned the extent of his narcissism. thank god for my therapist.
they use anything and everything as ammunition. that’s the thing that is striking to me now. and when i see it in other people, i turn the other direction and run.
my X claimed he had emotional intelligence but that’s not accurate. instead, he watched people for their strengths and weaknesses, cataloguing them for future use in devaluing and discarding them, whether it was friends, work mates, his partner, his family. true emotional intelligence involves working on oneself and as a narcissist, he would never do such a pedestrian thing.
Yes, this quote. I generally told myself that he was “quirky” but still trusted that he had my best interest at heart. I was with him for 29 years (and he was dead) before I was brave enough to see that the “quirky” behaviors were HUGE red flags of ongoing manipulation.
Deliberate undermining and manipulating were his constant modus operandi …he “won” at every turn. I was forever trying to be kind, reasonable and supportive and he was out to get his way. My trust was grossly misplaced. I could give a thousand examples.
You are an inspiration. It has been a year and a half, and I still think of us as a couple, just apart.
You know…the discard- devalue years just broke me down with both cheaters. Like getting beat up in a wrestling ring and coming out for the bell each time, for MORE! THAT is exhausting and to walk away after being thrown in the trash- pulled out, ironed flat and ” fake loved ” then thrown in the trash again over and over, it is miraculous that anyone still has one last knock out punch from the ground. That repetitive abuse is staggering and to be able to say STOP NO MORE is nothing short of amazing. My second Chump I locked put due to escalation of intimate abuse. That took a willingness to die literally for my freedom. My first cheater thought I was helpless, but I moved out and got a job with 2 small children. CN and TRACY kept me strong for NO CONTACT through 2 years so far. I can’t go back. To build up from devalue is where I go to my spiritual God of love and keep.only friends who connect with me. A process I am FOREVER grateful for. I sadly cannot look at any man without fear and disdain, but I’m hoping to reach a point of me and look for character. Tracy’s not leaving me! And thank you CN.!
I like how Shoulders Grey Rock Texted and didn’t get sucked into Relationship Autopsy. I’ve been doing the same over the past year while navigating the divorce. Helpful CL strategies. I dont respond to texts about anything except the divorce or finances. Not even about the weather.
My ex had her brother contact me.
So I gave him the cliff notes and copies of her text messages and journal entries.
His response “Understood”.
Yeah, thanks for that Joey.
Still think he’s a massive douche sniffer.
Mine started out writing 5 page long email missives about whatever. I would pick out the applicable questions about our kid and ignore the rest. Took a couple years but mostly he sticks to the basics. After this year I never have to entertain an email from him again. 13 years and my kid and I are free!
Grey rocking was amazing. It worked even though my FW was an English comp major and thought he was undeniable in words. Nothing shut him up faster than me texting back “kk”.
As my attorney told me when we were closing the file, “Congratulations on becoming a hard target!” And you did it too!
Knowing that I could cut through pages of ick and reply with a few sentences gave me so much confidence. Now, the kids are grown, and he leaves me alone.
Favorite part:
“…..my new life — one based on MY preferences and MY choices”.
This is an important aspect of GAL!
My favorite part was her acknowledgment that what CN had given her was a decoder ring, and her courage to put it on and use it.
It’s always a great reason to celebrate when someone finally ‘gets’ it, be it on their first attempt, or after many tries.
Giant Kudos to you Shoulders!
What a superb letter. I was just the same, the cheating was a deal breaker. I discovered the incontravertable proof on a Saturday, walked out of his flat, and was in a solicitor’s office on the Monday. Like you, LACGAL was my bible, and this site, and all the wise and snarky fellow chumps, my support. I can never thank Tracy enough for writing LACGAL, setting up this site, and all the people who comment here.
What a bad ass bitch.
Highest marks my sister…..sad sausage can fuck right off
What she said.
My favorite is her walking around her ideal, FW-free world and reveling in her mightiness. That is a long and hard won battle.
Being free to live the life we want without having to always do what the FW wants because they always make us pay for having our own wants and needs. No more making ourselves smaller to lift them up and hope for some crumbs. I get to focus all my energy and love on me and those who truly value me.
This is just one year. Every year gets mightier.
LOVE this part of Shoulder’s mighty story:
“Last month, I was walking around in my new life — one based on MY preferences and MY choices (which, it won’t surprise you, never held much interest for my cheater)”.
Living according to our own preferences and choices helps our true selves to shine, which is bound to help make the world a better place. All that FWs do is try to drag us down to be with them in their own shallow, transactional little hells.
I love reading all these success stories! I am several years out of my long and expensive divorce and post-divorce process. I am thriving and loving my life, family, and friends.
To show Tracy how much I appreciate what she has done, I just signed up to give her a small contribution every month. I encourage you to do the same to show how much this site means to you. No one asked me to do this. I can only imagine how much work and effort it takes to create and maintain this valuable site. Let’s pay her back!
I’d love to make a contribution, but can’t find the Patreon button. Where is it now?
I needed this today. Thank you!
Way to be mighty Standing!!!! So many of us owe our sanity to Tracy and CN. I didn’t leave right away (not even close) but it was CN that helped me finally do it. To those who don’t yet have the strength to leave, please keep reading these posts. Buy Tracy’s book. Read read read read and see what awaits you on the other side. The grass really is greener over here.
I didn’t find Chumplady until after my divorce, but it was very affirming indeed. Pretty much on my own, I came to the conclusion that after my ex left, there was nothing left to work within our marriage. Admitting that and dealing with the wild emotions took a while, but there it was.
I certainly would have avoided a huge amount of pain if I had not hung in there for so long, but the important thing is that I got out. I’m glad Standing cut-and-ran sooner than I did.
I had just acquired 31 years of continuous sobriety when DDay hit. By some miracle, I just celebrated 38 years on August 15. No thanks to Traitor Ex. I have never experienced emotional pain like this in my entire life. I never guessed when I got into recovery that I would meet a man in recovery (that turned out to be a lie too BTW) that would cause me more pain and damage than I had suffered growing up in a good looking crazy alcoholic family.
Since DDay, I have not had the thought to smoke, drink, use other drugs, or get into a relationship. I know firsthand that lots of people drink themselves to death, or close to it, over the pain of infidelity. I met a man when I spoke at a meeting in a treatment facility who said he’d been drinking over the pain of his wife cheating for years. It amazed him and inspired him that someone could experience what we go through sober. He was an outlaw gang member…very tough…but being cheated on had ripped him open in a way no rival gang member could and he was crying when he told me his story.
Please be aware that alcohol is a drug. C2 H5 OH. Ethanol. It’s a depressant. It’s addictive. It actually prevents the emotional healing we need so desperately, actually repressing feelings and putting them into storage. IMHO, it’s not what anyone in emotional pain needs. 😪 Feel, deal, and heal as the saying goes.
I’ve used one of my favorite pieces of AA literature, Living Sober, for my infidelity recovery. Not just to shore up my sobriety, but thinking of the cheater as a drug, to help me relearn living without him and to heal from betrayal. It’s full of really good tips for taking care of yourself that can benefit anyone.
Anyone here can contact me directly through Tracy if you want to talk instead of drink or use other drugs.
I’m here for you.
❤️
With all due respect and cheers for Shoulders, I say the standing ovation goes to ChumpLady for all her work to make this tire-screeching turnabout possible.
I am beyond stoked that Shoulders had the need-to-know intel to smack that shat down with nary a second-guess. Every sentiment she wrote was so astute and on target, but my favorite phrases were
Yes! Pure platinum. Also:
And:
👏👏👏
I am 2 plus months from trial date and this letter was exactly what I needed today. I’m mired in the crazy as klootzak is still in the house. Logically I know life will get better without him, but it’s hard to see the me 5 years from now when I’m entrenched in the divorce. I feel like I am on mile 23 of a marathon. The end is out there somewhere. I’m exhausted so letters like this are very encouraging. Would love to hear more happy mighty people reporting the good side on the podcast!
Mr Wonderfuls Ex, I was wondering if you were divorced yet. It looks like you are on the final stretch (hopefully). Trust me, in house separation sucked (yes I did it for a while) until I drove him to the point where he felt he had no privacy and became paranoid of everything. I will admit to some useful investigating but the trash and a home shared network are considered part of the marriage in my state. So that drove him out.
Life gets better on the other side. Being free of a Fuckwit is the best thing that ever happened to me. I have friends, I can have my friends over, i can dance around my house in my underwear if I want to. You will love it!
My son finally has a girlfriend who seems to be very consistent and normal. So it looks like I may have grandkids at some point.
Take good care of yourself, practice self care and start healing as soon as you can.
Thank you. I have had my head down working on the divorce. It’s the unknowns that keep me from sleeping well. I have forgotten what it is like to not be anxious and filled with cortisol. I keep reminding myself that the judge can’t possibly give me a worse outcome than what klootzak was proposing. My focus is on the end of the year. I don’t know what my life will look like in 2025. I don’t know how much money I have or where I will be living or – most importantly – how much time I will have with my son. I DO know that I will not be living with a FW, though, and that joyous reality hasn’t fully set in yet.
I’m going to print Shoulders’ letter and hang it on my office wall. What they are describing is the fantastic get a life part. I’m soooo ready for it!
Many congratulations, Standing! I love your description of your new life. Leaving your FW has benefits you can’t foresee at the time your heart has just been broken.
Living the way you want to live, where you want to live and doing only the things you want to do are the best thing about living single. Thanks to leaving FW, I was able to get out of a fishbowl suburban street where everybody gossiped about each other and into a cabin in the woods, like I had always wanted.
I saw that opportunity right away and set out to find what I was looking for. Clearly, so did you.
The way you FW made you an offer to get back together on the condition you accept his cheating would be considered remarkably delusional if it was anyone but a cheater. Among his peers (fellow FWs) he’s no more delusional than average.
Omg! I LOVE this! Hats off to you shoulders! I am SO grateful to Tracy’s book and this community too! It literally saved my life and I am HAPPY 😃 .
My favourite part was how poorly you handled telling him you knew about his cheating. What a crass, cruel, artless woman you must be! 🤣 No wonder he cheated 😂. FW gold!
Tuesday’s here! 🙌🙌🙌
I loved the whole post but think my favorite part is simply the alias that the OP chose because I’ve always felt that way– like every bit of wisdom and understanding we squeeze out of survival experiences is collective and we’re all standing on the shoulders of others who are standing on the shoulders of others stretching back to time immemorial and even cross-pollinating ideas between different struggles.
Viva la revolución. There’s a beautiful sense of continuity and history in this as well as feeling part of something important. Survivors are the main instigators of humane change throughout history.
And there are more nuanced and personal remedies in this as well. For one, when “meaningless” things like abuse happen to people, part of healing is to insert meaning back into life by sharing what we learn and maybe even helping others. Equally powerful is the sense of being helped by others. The collective way that survivors process, amass information and wisdom, trade data, critique existing concepts and polish up theories is the ultimate reassurance that we’re not alone right when many of us are in deadly danger of perceiving ourselves to be so, especially when this follows years of the typical systematic isolation that abusers engage in.
I so agree. I found reading other chump stories, sharing what I have learned and supporting other chumps, both here and elsewhere, was the key to healing. As you said, giving it meaning is essential.
I just found out FW is moved in with a girlfriend and the only thing I feel is a bit sorry for her. I guess I’m in the glorious state of meh. 😀
I feel a song parody coming on…
Meh, glorious meh
No skeins to untangle!
No dissipation or debt
No more STD panels!
Just imagine us fuckwit-free
Waltzing into sunsets
Oh meh
Wonderful meh
Marvelous meh
Glorious meh!
Chuckling out loud!
Wow Standing, you are indeed mighty! Nice job!
It warms my heart to hear the success stories of chumps who got away, with a forward and hopeful view and their kick ass attitudes and beliefs in themselves. So so powerful to share!! Wish you continued success with that. You don’t need him for anything and you are 100% headed the right way without him. You are mighty!
It is incredibly difficult to do, as we all very well know.
But the longer you are out from under that level of abuse and the many invisible oppressions they cause in your life, the more gratitude you will have for the gift of knowing you needed to escape and doing it.
I find myself imagining different scenarios now and comparing being alone getting through them vs having the ex FW still around to go through them with me.
It’s usually light years better going through it by myself.
He was extremely skilled around the house,when he felt up to it. I do miss that perk, but I can do lots of home repairs myself too, way more than I ever knew I could.
One example of how I’m better off now would be on a long car ride, for instance, or any car ride in truth.
If I were with him, the music would be off. Not my preference.
He’d be complaining about how I was sooo boring to him as the passenger and didn’t entertain enough with some tidbit or other. ( hard to tap dance with your seat belt on!) I am far from a boring person, anyone who knows me would readily say. I have a curious mind and am always pursuing interests. Not exciting enough for him I guess. 🤷♀️
He would not let me ever drive, which I do enjoy, but he would not let me rest either.
He would complain about the quality of the roads, the traffic backed up due to an accident, construction. How bright the sun was in his eyes, weather conditions being unfavorable, no good places to eat. His back was always itchy or hurting. Then he wanted me to contort myself around his seatbelt for a seated massage or back scratch.
Then he would complain when I attempted to scratch his back that my nails were not long enough.
It would be difficult to find that many things to complain about in life, but he was very very good at it. He was simply unpleasable.
He saw himself as king of the car and I needed to cowtow to his every whim and need. ( crawl in back to get him a snack, etc and so on) It was exhausting and I was made to feel like I was failing him even just sitting in the damn car!
He would yell and scream unpredictably and was just out of control if another driver annoyed his little entitlement bubble. ( once slammed his fist so hard into my dashboard while demonstrating to me how a custom agent was stamping his passport, not to his liking, that he actually cracked my dashboard and it was a new car!)
That was a pre-marriage red flag that I chalked up to “ Italian temper”, sadly for me. I didn’t come from a family of emotionally out of control people.
I’ve asked him countless times over the years to control his anger in the car, as the ONLY person that suffered from it was me, not the person who slighted him in some insignificant way 10 cars in front of us.
Why did I need to be abused with his rage for it?!
He would just tell me I was too sensitive and he should be able to express his anger without me getting so anxious over it. ( didn’t know about gaslighting back then)
I would put my fingers in my ears so I didn’t have to deal with the yelling and that would make him excessively more rageful.
I really felt like a trapped animal in the car, trying my darndest to keep the peace when I knew whatever I did, it would blow up sooner or later. Was just a matter of time before he would just go totally tilt.
Compared to a car ride now. I load in a few podcasts or books before the trip, I pop my pup in the secure car seat next to me and we hit the road. Nothing bothers me at all!!Traffic, delays, bumps in road, weather, etc. It’s all part of the journey and I embrace every bit of it.
I stop when I want to stop ( not being yelled at because I have to pee) I walk my dog in interesting spots, I pick acorns for my daughter’s visiting yard squirrels back home. I don’t have to please anyone, I love road trips now so much!
My pup doesn’t complain at all, he doesn’t find me boring one little bit. He gets his head scratched from time to time and it makes us both feel happy and loved.
The car is soooo relaxed and peaceful, it becomes so apparent to me how awful it was to drive with him now. I don’t miss that at all. I just wonder how or why I tolerated it.
Then I realize how peaceful it is to have my extended family stay with me for a week at my beach house every July. If FW was still around I would get all these stressful side talks while they were there. “ What is your brother doing to the boat?!”
“ Why is your sister washing her dog in the shower and getting water all over the place?!” I would be frantically trying to make everyone tow some unseen line that doesn’t need towing in the first place.
None of that nonsense bothers me, we have great fun together and a very relaxed visit now, completely drama and stress free.
It’s palpable to everyone how much more relaxed it is post FW.
He was a complaining annoying entitled know it all whiner and he is not missed one bit by anyone at all.
So many areas of remarkable peace have opened up. In my dealings with my adult kids, who I have the very best visits with, to cooking meals alone ( I was always in his way in the kitchen) and even the stress of Christmas shopping by myself, peace on earth now compared to the drama and stress he would dump on it.
Sure, I’m lonely sometimes and I feel sad my family imploded. I thought what we had was something to deeply treasure, he obviously didn’t.
It will always be a completely surreal experience in my mind and I will never understand how you can discard your family.
But I didn’t realize how unsafe and stressed I felt so frequently with him around that I am completely free of now. You can’t see it all until you are fully out.
I get to do things my way and be ME for once and no one that loves me complains about that.
I get along fabulously with everyone, it was never me causing any of the drama at all, imagine that?!
I see many parts of the old me showing up in my life now that I didn’t realize was absent for so long and they are parts that were well worth holding onto. I am free of abuse I was never fully able to see.
My kids love who I am without their cantankerous, impossible to please father. And I love me too!
Life is way way easier, even though I still feel sadness for so many loses as a couple and family.
It is so traumatic and really no one gets it but CL and CN. Thank God for you all!! You are always in my prayers. All your posts have been life sustaining bread crumbs to a better life and I gobble them up on the regular!
There is something really wrong with someone that can so seamlessly replace a family that loved them. 44 years together and now he sees only one of his three adult kids every year for just a few days.
Blows my mind what he’s become! Jet setter with the younger mistress turned wife and they have no time for anyone in their thrilling lives but themselves.
Let’s see what happens when he’s old and incapable and his Schmoop has absconded with his money and left him in some dilapidated nursing home. He will call on his kids no doubt and I hope to God they don’t pick up the phone.
He is a mentally deranged and sick man and they owe him nothing. But I stay out of that space and I don’t tell them how to handle him. I just don’t lie about who he is.
Mighty, mighty! Congrats on GTFO & getting such an awesome new life! 🎉
“I didn’t take your advice to go completely no contact (I know, I know)”
It’s never too late to go NO CONTACT!
Ditto Matt
“Ultimately, I decided that the most radical thing I could do after years of being subtly devalued (and tolerating it) was to decide I was a high-value person and treat myself accordingly. That turns out to be a very useful yardstick with which to approach life; I wish I’d done it sooner.”
For me this is SUPER important because it applies to EVERY SINGLE RELATIONSHIP in my life. Not just past/potential partner category.
Matt, it took a LONG time (I’m 7 1/2 years from Dday, I reckon I didn’t even start feeling valuable until the last couple of years, and even then it’s been a slow build). I love the TPD mentioned by HOAC … disintegration (hurts like a MF) as evolution.
This very basic fixing of my picker, after the COLOSSAL pain of being devalued, diminished and discarded – not just by Ex (22 years married, 4 kids); but by many so-called friends, and to a degree my siblings – means I no longer have ANY niggling voices in my life maintaining the “low-value” status I had in their eyes.
Which is ridiculous because OBVIOUSLY I’m Super High Value!