The Smugness of Friendly Divorce

I loathe the term “conscious uncoupling.” From what I can figure, it’s a smugger kind of divorce without the gluten.

On the one hand, I’m thrilled this bit of word salad is getting the snark and derision it so rightly deserves, on the other hand the notion that divorce should be free of baser emotions like grief and anger is still a solid part of our culture.

In fact, “getting over it” has become a competitive sport. Did you have one of those ugly, sad divorces? Was it costly? Were there damaging custody disputes?

Oh not me. We mediated, because we’re adults who can talk out our differences. After all, that’s what’s best for the children! Not wasting their college funds paying those ghastly lawyers. Bob and I had many special years, but life gets complicated. People grow in different directions. We’re still just the best of friends! You’re not friends with your ex? Well you need to get over that! Forgive! Stop being bitter! Invite him over for Thanksgiving! Maybe take a cruise together or double date sometime with his girlfriend! That’s what evolved people do.

Oh goody. Where do I get one of those exes who want a fair settlement and desires my friendship? Are they all on back order? I got a disordered creep who sues me pro se.

People divorce for good reasons, like infidelity, mental illness, or addiction. Who are these people who “grew apart,” wandering off like your spouse was someone you got bored with at a cocktail party? I don’t know them. I know people who got divorced because the wife was a prescription drug addict who wouldn’t get sober or a woman who discovered her husband had a $20,000 hooker habit. Or someone comes out as gay after 25 years of marriage and she learns her husband has been having sex with guys on Craigslist for years while she was supporting his self employment. Or a guy married to a serial cheater who slept with her boss and his best friend, among others.

And these are just the people I know in real life. They aren’t the people who write to me every day at Chump Lady. (You ought to see my mail.)

So some lifestyle guru wants to tell me the evolved thing to do is “consciously uncouple”? Still consider these people family, closer than before! but just without all the real life headache of living with them? No, the healthy thing to do is get the hell away from anyone who wants to play you for a chump. Let them stay mired in their self destructiveness. You’ve got better people to bless with your friendship.

Does that make me bitter? Unevolved? Not over it? Let me ask you — are you friends with the guy who mugged you? Or the person who robbed your pension fund? Would you like to socialize with the middle school bully who shoved you in a locker? How about sit next to him at a ballgame? Attend a wedding together? Meet his girlfriend?

Look, I’m sure there are people out there who have drama-free divorces, who settle things amicably, and no one’s at fault and you wish each other well. Of course I’m wondering why if you have that kind of maturity and fondness for each other, you couldn’t just work it out. But I’m quibbling. What I want to say is — could everyone just please stop assuming that friendly divorces are common or even possible for others?

Let me speak for those of us who did not consciously uncouple. Some of us are dealing with abusive freaks. Some of are dealing with children whose parent won’t see them, let alone “friend” them on Facebook. We’ve got addicts for exes. We worry every week what we’re sending our kid into, and will it meet the court’s criteria of immediate danger to my child and if so, do I have the money to fight about it?

Some of us are just simply heartbroken. We loved with our whole hearts and got replaced in the most humiliating of ways.

The best we can do (and it’s an epic struggle some days) is to act with civility. To be the sane parent. To keep the focus on our own lives, and the welfare of our children, and move forward. We have no illusions that our exes are part of our family. Divorce is the severing of family. It’s often a painful act of self-preservation, taken after years of attempted reconciliation and accommodation.

So enough with the smug “conscious uncoupling.” You’re over it? Wonderful. We all want to be over it. And because most of us would like to stay over it, we don’t associate with our exes. Thank you for your understanding.

This column ran previously.

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LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

My problem is a serial concious “multi-coupler” who has had 4 subcouples (that I KNOW of) to our “primary” couple of 31 years.
“Uncouple THIS, beyotch!” My call. MY values. MY life. I’d rather be DIVORCED and face a potential lifetime alone than spend another second with the narc who couples enough to fit in at the train depot at rush hour.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Welcome back everybody. 🙂

Kathleen
Kathleen
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

CL

Tried for days to comment but wasn’t able. Said “enter UBT” when I hit post. I thought it was my phone but it wasn’t.

Happy it’s now corrected. Communicating with my fellow chumps is important to me. Thank you ????

Cactusflower
Cactusflower
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Yay!! Couldn’t comment for over a week- and I thought it was my technologically challenged brain! (And if this is posted, it means new spam filters are cooperating- DOUBLE YAY!)

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
6 years ago
Reply to  Cactusflower

Same! Nice to be back in touch!

meh.twain
meh.twain
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

I never got around to emailing you to ask to be despammed lol… but the new filter is working fine for me and I can finally comment on the ‘daily blog’ again. Thanks!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you!! I tried to comment on Friday’s Mixtape, but couldn’t.

I wanted to dedicate Twisted Sister’s “Burn in Hell” to my ex-wife….and AC/DC’s “Hell’s Bells” to my ex-Minister who she was screwing around with.

This Delivery Man of the Word actually banged my wife the night before he Baptized me on a Easter Sunday.

Rickb89
Rickb89
6 years ago

There’s nothing worse then the religion/cheater combo

DOCTOR'S1stWife&Kids
DOCTOR'S1stWife&Kids
6 years ago

thanks, I had a LOT OF brilliant and hilarious comments you refused to allow.

I guess it wasn’t personal…

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Thank you for ALL the you do and have done to encourage and support people at one of the lowest points in their lives, mine included. Glitches happen and it is certainly no reflection on you! In my experience, Tracy, you go out of your way to make this a safe and reliable place for chumps worldwide. You have literally changed my life, and the way I view it ; I am sure I am not alone.

It goes way beyond coming to terms with X’s shit. With the help of you and CN, I have explored why I became a chump in the first place and why I stayed stuck in the anger of the past for so long. I am fortunate to be further on this journey than some, but I think all of us owe you a debt of gratitude!

Is my life perfect? Far from it, but I I have gained so much insight through CN, insight that has permitted me to create a peaceful life for myself and my kids. I am now living a life true to my values and beliefs.

So, frustration and yes, sometimes even ingratitude, aside, thank you for undertaking this important calling. I hope your book is optioned by Reese Witherspoon, earns numerous Oscars, and you receive the recognition and financial compensation you deserve for your incredible labor of love! You have helped more people than you will ever know.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Wow. — a special shout out not only to you but to Tempest! You guys rock!

Let go
Let go
6 years ago

Your ex pastor is the reason my husband will not go to church. He said the hypocrisy he saw in his community, and in his church, made him lose total interest.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

There are at least 2 RIC sites that I know of….both sell the “How we did reconciliation and have a better marriage bullshit package.” They are ran by Preachers who cheated on their wives…with women in their congregation. Hell, one of them offers an expensive weekend seminar. What a crock of shit.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago

Oh wow! That seriously shocked me! Your wife with the MINISTER? I think there’s a special place in hell for people like that.

Leavingthecrapbehind
Leavingthecrapbehind
6 years ago

Lower than the lowest- a minster screwing a married woman in his church. The absolute lowest thing possible!

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
6 years ago

I won’t say what church I belonged to on this blog….but believe me…I am no longer a TCU Horned Frog Fan.

It just made my evening when the Oklahoma Sooners knocked them out of the title race last Saturday.

Sketchyokgirl
Sketchyokgirl
6 years ago

Go Sooners!!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago

Well, he’ll have a toasty up front seat by Satan’s anus in hell, won’t he? WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!!??!!

Ivy_Tech
Ivy_Tech
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

SuperDuperChump’s cheating wife will be seated right in front of him.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Plus one for the Jesus cheater’s.
Satan’s Anus must bea crowded place these days – maybe they can cozy up towards his Sweaty Balls…

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

Satan’s anus.
What is wrong with me that I’m laugh/crying reading “up front seat to Satan’s anus” ????
Right when I’m mad, reliving too much shit on here, I read Satan’s anus and I’m suddenly at peace again ???????? thank you.

I can’t think of anything that would get you to Satan’s anus faster than what Superduperchump’s wife and sociopath minister did to him. Absolutely evil. Hurts to even read it. I can’t imagine.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago

You really can’t make this up. That is so twisted and evil. I think your song choices are very appropriate. I’m glad you’re free of that.

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago

And you didn’t drown him in the baptismal font? Good on you.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Hey Doubtless, you’re back! We’ve missed you.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago

Testing ..I’m baaaack!

beenchumped
beenchumped
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Test

Freedheart
Freedheart
6 years ago
Reply to  beenchumped

Test

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Freedheart

Test

Thrive
Thrive
6 years ago

Test

Thrive
Thrive
6 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

Yeah!!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Another test.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I have been trying to comment, sometimes goes through, sometimes doesn’t, so here goes…

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
6 years ago

My dickhead won’t even attend mediation. What a joy that I’m going to have to waste money going to court for a settlement because he’s an entitled arse. Stuff the conscious uncoupling, I just want a divorce.

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

same here. will not engage in meaningful negotiation. forcing a trail even though things will now be brought uplike how much he spent on his whore. they really are selfish delusional toddlers.

Out West
Out West
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Walked out of mediation after the mediator told me and my team that my X wasn’t there to mediate. Got the exact custody agreement i had drafted, on my own, with good documentation three days later. If your marriage is based on a power differential, your divorce will be too. CL advocates for hiring the best legal representation you can afford. I will never forget watching my lawyer go meet with the judge and coming out with the results….totally side stepped my X.

Nanki Poo
Nanki Poo
6 years ago
Reply to  Out West

“If your marriage is based on a power differential, your divorce will be too. ”

This. Exactly.

chutesandladders
chutesandladders
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

X100!

middlefingersup
middlefingersup
6 years ago
Reply to  Nanki Poo

Spot on. This is why mediation didn’t work for me. Not to mention he was talking with his OW/lawyer gf (he has a law degree too) nightly for an hour during this time – paying the phone bill for months was totally worth it. Anyways, he had the balls to say to me that he felt betrayed when I got a lawyer.

THEN I also find out he lied about his salary, lied about the down payment to our home, and just lie lie lie.

mavis
mavis
6 years ago

Unconscious coupling = no boundaries in place & the narc maintains control through ongoing manipulation. Same with mediation.
Kibbles & cake keep rollin’ in & the chump looks like a bitter loser if they don’t comply with this “enlightened” crap that is fed to us. No contact and a narc free life is the only way to go.

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Mine wanted mediation desperately but sat there and lied so that ended mediation. 4 agreements later( that he agreed to then refused to sign, leading to legal bills well over $30k when he had already stolen our retirement savings), he finally signed. They are evil POS!

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Mine did the same thing, negotiated and then changed his mind over and over again… Until our lawyers had enough and told him it was our last session to come to an agreement, otherwise we were going to have to go to court. And was he pissed!

During the session, my then-STBX lost is in front of 5 other people, he screamed and swore at me and had to be escorted out of the room. We finished the negotiation in separate rooms and were divorced a few weeks later…

Anytime chumpy me is tempted to remember the “good ol’ times” I remember that day… And I am glad the only contact I have with him is via a parenting software!

onthehill
onthehill
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

OMG – NewLady – were we married to the same guy??????

My ex did *EXACTLY* the same thing! Even the amount ($30k extra!). The judge got so pissed, she threatened his lawyer saying: “You better find a way to get him to sign or I’ll give her (me) more than she’s asking for”. That did the trick.

violet
violet
6 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Mediation can definitely been used as a weapon of manipulation. It is court ordered where I live. Every divorcing coupe must jointly appear before mediator (who has been certified by the court) before the divorce case can be set for trial. Essentially, the mediator assesses the case and bluntly tells each party what “typically” happens in their particular situation. There is also a presumption in favor of joint custody in many states that most people are completely unaware they will be battling from the outset.

Many people are totally unaware of what the law relating to custody/child support is where they live. They are shocked to learn that they will not be litigating on a clean state, or that some issue they believe to be very important will have no impact at all on the outcome of their case. The court is going to follow pre-existing law, even if that law seems unfair to you. Your STBX may be the biggest jackass in the world but, unless s/he has done something that affirmatively impacts the safety or well-being of your children, the judge is not going to vary from the standard order.

I do not understand why anyone would want to be “friends” with the person who screwed them over. I do think it is important to try to act in a reasonable way in front of the kids. Kids are like sponges on steroids. They soak up everything they hear, and many times, seemingly small events impact them greatly. So while you don’t have to be besties with your STBX, you also need to be aware that your conduct in front of the kids can impact custody and visitation decisions.

My point is that during divorce and custody proceedings, it is important to: 1. Leave the kids out of it, to the extent possible; and 2. Never, ever fail to take mediation seriously. It may seem grossly unfair that you are required to go through the mediation process but, in most states, it is now ingrained into the divorce process itself. If it appears your STBX is just running up the tab or rating abusively during mediation, have your lawyer shut it down and request the the mediator declare an impasse. In many states, though, you are going to be forced to go through the mediation process, like it or not. And yes, you will be required to pay for half of the mediator’s bill, unless there is a written agreement to the contrary.

Ispyacheater
Ispyacheater
6 years ago
Reply to  violet

I had to do mediation with Cheaterpants. Two hours and $200 later (my half of mediation cost) he changed his mind and said he didn’t agree with anything we’d agreed on. He then tried to tell the judge we couldn’t agree and we needed more mediation. My lawyer shut that down.

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  Ispyacheater

$350 wasted on 2 hours of “collaboration” only to have Asshat ignore ALL the mediator’s instructions. Light bulb went off and now he’s pestering me to go back so he looks good when we finally get to court. My response: crickets. He documented his bad faith effort in emails to me. I’m happy to tell the judge just how collaborative he was.

Ispyacheater
Ispyacheater
6 years ago
Reply to  Sunrise

How the hell do these mediators charge so much??

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
6 years ago

I hate people who say, “Why can’t you just get along?” What? I try to get along but he consistently derails that with his tirades, manipulation, lies, lies and lies.

You cannot get along with perpetually angry people.

Thrive
Thrive
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Right now I am perpetually angry and very hard to get along with. That is how I like it. Signed final papers and as he walked away I told him to go fuck himself. Was thrilled when he said he already did. Score!

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  Thrive

???????????????? Thrive

Let go
Let go
6 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

I had a long talk with a relative who is a therapist. She said there is so much info out there now about why cheaters act the way they do. They really do have arrested development. It can be anywhere from very young until full maturity. I never understood why my brother’s ex was able to desert her children. When I think about what she was like before she left I think she was about 8 emotionally. Your ex is a perpetual child. No amount of common sense from you is going to change that. Pit bull lawyers are your best defense and especially one trained in psychological issues.

Freedheart
Freedheart
6 years ago
Reply to  Let go

The big challenge for me is to focus on why I stayed so long with someone who was perpetually angry and depressed. What I am doing now is looking at my childhood issues and trying to address them…instead of focusing on my exes emotional issues…issues that ultimately harmed me.

Fern
Fern
6 years ago
Reply to  Freedheart

Good for you Freedheart. This feels like a much better use of your mental, emotional and physical resources. I’m years out from the divorce but this line of thinking still helps when I have to deal with child related issues with X – even though the children are now young adults he manages to find ways to make a fuss. When I focus on myself and what I can control and what is coming up emotionally for me, I feel much more empowered and peaceful.

coolbreezeout
coolbreezeout
6 years ago

I really agree with this. If we could “consciously uncouple” then we could have worked it out. This isn’t ‘uncoupling’, this is demolition. I wouldn’t blow up my kids normal reality of an in-tact family and staying in their childhood home due to ‘growing apart’. Growing apart means we could grow back together. No, for me – divorce is a last resort. It is when the only option left for my own sanity, my own self-respect, to stop the abuse of gas lighting, lying, deception, and failure to keep promises means I can never have peace as long as we are married.

Conscious uncoupling is like amputation for cosmetic or weight loss reasons. Divorce is like amputation due to cancer or a flesh eating virus that must be severed or it will continue to grow and consume the entire body.

Fern
Fern
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Growing apart means we could grow back together.

word.

Freedheart
Freedheart
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Absolutely…what a great summing up

Sharylk
Sharylk
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

Wow. Exactly. Thank you cool breezeout

Newlady15
Newlady15
6 years ago
Reply to  coolbreezeout

X10000! The last paragraph cool breeze out!

Twitching
Twitching
6 years ago

I don’t think anyone grows apart and nicely divorces. It’s just the narrative they tell to save face.

Awake
Awake
6 years ago
Reply to  Twitching

Exactly. It’s image control.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Twitching

There is no such thing as Growing Apart. It cracks me up when I hear that bullshit out of people’s mouths. Usually the people vomiting that out are in an image management campaign.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Yes, we “grew apart” because his penis GPSed its way to homeslice’s vagina…. repeatedly.
I’m looking forward to mediation….then court. Might need to bring popcorn; it’s going to be epic.
Attorney: do you admit to writing these emails saying:
1. I’m sorry for cheating on you and not using protection
2. You’re embarrassed I left you for another woman
3. Sex with her is fun and energetic but I cannot finish because I’m thinking about you
4.(Email to homeslice) We should try this: mold your own willie penis vibrating kit

Attorney drops mic and I smile.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago

Yup…products used by cheaters and their homeslices (new word for the Cheater’s Dictionary) Clone a Willie

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago

Dang, those are great! I wish I could get STBX’s emails into court. Unfortunately in my state I can’t — if he won’t disclose them voluntarily, and of course he has lied under oath about having an affair with Schmoopie — he could actually sue me for invasion of privacy for reading them. But my attorney has the flash drive with copies, including the one where he tells “sweetest dove of passion” (gag — lol!) where he’s going to be leaving her safe deposit box key after he deposits all the cash he’s hiding from me in it. We are saving that one as a nuclear option, in case negotiations break down and we decide it’s worth the risk to me to produce it. The law firm I hired has researched this matter, but are there folks out there who have used email evidence and gotten away with it?

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

Chickynot,
can’t your emails be used to prove his perjury?

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago

My attorney says definitely. That’s why we might resort to them if all else fails. But she says it’s a double edged sword, because since I read them on his computer without his consent (it’s not “shared”) he can still turn around and sue me. Plus he recently obliged us with an easier way to prove perjury. She subpoena’d his email correspondence with Schmoopie, which he declined to provide on grounds that (get this, he admitted it!) she’s his patient so it’s confidential! He didn’t realize the names on the airline tickets for all their vacations he got through frequent flyer are discoverable. He’s going to have a hard time explaining how 7 cruise vacations constitute patient care. Plus said patient’s appearance in 2 Nevada brothel ads are in the public realm. If they won’t negotiate a good settlement my attorney is set to depose her. Though that might be interesting, I hope they have the sense to skip the drama, settle, and go the hell away. Far away.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

If the emails are on your shared, home computer, it’s not illegal to access them. Especially if they were written while married. I had access to two of the ex’s email accounts ( saved passwords) and located tons of evidence.

Lost 220# Deadweight
Lost 220# Deadweight
6 years ago
Reply to  Chickynot

His attorney requested any correspondence I have between us where he admitted it. He also had his accounts synced to my tablet and it opened to it.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

So true, my serial cheater X was big on the “we grew apart” so I didn’t tell people what he’d really done. Oops, I did.

Lucky
Lucky
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My x wrote an entire sermon announcing to the congregation that we had just grew apart.

This after only two weeks from BD and “the speech”.

Made it sound like we were both on the same page and happily following our own paths towards happiness ( puke ).

The members thought that was swell and I have not gone back to church since.

Ps – my Minister husband shagged another Minister plus a few divinity students ( for good measure ). Bitch Cookie communion wafers for all!!!

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Same here – I refuse to go along with the “we grew apart” BS narrative and Jackass is furious that I told the kids he had an affair. Obviously the real problem is my telling them, not his cheating.

GoWithYourGut
GoWithYourGut
6 years ago
Reply to  slowtolearn

My STBX, when I found out about his most current affair (back in July), and finally lawyered up, was so concerned about telling the kids. I actually got conned into NOT telling them the real reason we were divorcing. I “had to protect his image in front of the kids.”

I came to my senses though, and told the kids the next day. They were going to find out sooner than later, as he was staying in the relationship with the whore. And I rathered they hear it from me, in all it’s truthful glory, than some fucked up version he’d tell.

brandib
brandib
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My XH is still going around saying this “grew apart” bullshit to people who can’t believe we got divorced. I wonder if my XH would like this spin on reality if I had been the cheater & him the Chump?? Probs not…FUCK HIM.

NoKibble4U
NoKibble4U
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

My cheater said to friends: “We’re going in different directions.”

I told the friend: “Yes, one of us is going South to Hell, the other is going North to Heaven – that’s what happens when you choose to commit adultery.”

He also told people that we “grew apart”.

I fucking hate cheaters.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  NoKibble4U

He said ‘we grow apart and its complicated’
Twat

chump-tastic
chump-tastic
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Haha yes, @Tempest — that “we grew apart” thing always makes me think of that scene in the Royal Tenenbaums where Royal (arguably the most delightfully typical philandering jerkface in cinema) tries to minimize the fact that there’s a clear and simple reason why he’s been asked to leave the house.

MARGOT: Are you getting divorced?
ROYAL (gently): At the moment, no. But it doesn’t look good.
RICHIE: Do you still love us?
ROYAL: Of course, I do.
CHAS (pointedly): Do you still love Mom?
ROYAL: Very much. But she asked me to leave, and I had to respect her position on the matter.
MARGOT: Was it our fault?
ROYAL (long pause): No. Obviously, we had to make certain sacrifices as a result of having children, but no. Lord, no.
RICHIE: Why’d she ask you to leave?
ROYAL (sadly): I don’t really know any more. Maybe I wasn’t as true to her as I could’ve been.
CHAS: Well, she says —
ROYAL: Let’s not rehash it, Chassie.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  chump-tastic

Great scene, Chump-tastic!

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Yep same here, hope the smell of shit follows them around.

Khris
Khris
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Mine was telling everyone “we” decided to separate. No, I too told everyone what really happened – We are divorcing because she won’t stop dating.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago

I may be wrong but I doubt there are many divorces where both parties are just fine with the decision, as you say there must be a reason that you just want to walk away from the person you made a commitment to spend the rest of your life. I read a statistic recently that said 80% of men who announce they want a divorce have someone waiting in the wings. I suspect it’s similar for women unless it’s a physically abusive situation. I can’t imagine ever being friends with someone who betrayed me in such a cruel way. Yesterday’s post was about friends who betrayed by not telling about the affair. I think maybe it’s a similar situation pretend that your not completely gutted by the cheater to save face or like the friend that kept quiet if you don’t talk about it didn’t happen or won’t happen to you. Of course these days sleeping around while married seems a common theme so perhaps these “conscience uncouplers” really didn’t have much reason to stay together.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

I think it’s close to 0%.

Every single time, there’s someone else, whether the other spouse knows or not. My former friend (daughter’s friend’s mother) was going through a hard time. She had filed for separation (1 yr wait) and moved out with her daughter… her husband was a loser and IS a bigger loser now. Alcohol abuse/financial waste but functional. He was much older and admitted that he never had much of a sexual appetite. She was a single mom, doing it all on her own. We all helped her out… after some drinks one night, she excitedly told me how great it was that she could now fuck her downstate co-worker at trainings without guilt. ??!!! This is a month after my DDay, which she knew all about. Bitch.

I had a hard time wrapping my mind around it. She spoke assumptively, like he deserved it. Until I came her, months later, and CL nailed it:

Yeah- her husband was a dick. Is a dick. Alcoholism, even functional, is a great reason to get divorced. Lack of intimacy, with the lacker unwilling to change or work toward building it, is a great reason to get divorced.

It’s not a reason to cheat.

OhHellNo
OhHellNo
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

Lyndaloo, I’m with you. I don’t think there are many of those happy-go-lucky couples out there. I DO think that many people *want* to be perceived as such and so play pretend house on social media. “With my ex at our daughter’s sweet 16. Don’t I look pretty? Too bad I’m dying inside.”

Unfortunately, my ex uses these examples to tell me that everyone else he knows is capable of it, so why am I such a bitter, unforgiving bunny?

Answer: I’m happy for those people. They obviously didn’t go through the trauma of being married to YOU. I’ll still pass on “being friends,” thanks.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  lyndaloo

It’s like these men who won’t call out sexual harassment because they know in their hearts ‘there but for the grace of God go I’. Many have either sexually harassed a women or thought it was a big joke when they knew about it.

Let go
Let go
6 years ago

I hope it is sorted out.
I do not know a single good divorce. Someone always got hurt.

Jodi Lynch
Jodi Lynch
6 years ago

You can’t consciencely uncouple with someone who lied, cheated and just left you like a bag of trash at the curb.

If I had known he was lying and cheating or would have just simply told me ~ hey I’m not in love with you anymore ~ can we talk about how to end this? it might have been different.

But no, it didn’t go that way. What a coward.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

I think that’s what is ANOTHER thing I can’t stand about these assholes: their lack of courage.

Is that why I internally scream, ‘Grow The Fuck Up!’ endlessly when I have to deal with the asshat? My kids have more courage and a lot less life experience than this idiot.

Short rant.

MightyChris
MightyChris
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Oh rant away, baby!

My cheater wife at least had the decency to blurt out “I’m such a coward!”. Well yes, yes you bloody are. I call it moral cowardice – the inability to do the right thing whatever the cost.

Frankly, once you see it for what it is, it makes you realise what a sad, pathetic, sniveling shitbag you were with, & be glad to be leaving them in the rearview mirror.

FreeNow
FreeNow
6 years ago
Reply to  MightyChris

One night just before DD X said, well I guess I’m just an asshole aren’t I? Said drunk after being gone most of the night with prostitute.

Well yes, yes you are. Nothing left to work with.

Conscious kicking your ass to the curb!

50 Chump
50 Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Jodi Lynch

Spot on Jodi!

Joyce
Joyce
6 years ago

Ex turd is a covert narcissit, who dropped his charming, humble meek mask at the final discard. After that he wanted to be friend. All about image control with him, to let family know it was not so bad what he did, because chump and I are still friends. I went no contact and grey rocked his ass. When I see him now, which is in court I don’t see him standing. My kids are 20 and 18, so I dont have to deal with him.

Artemis
Artemis
6 years ago

Thank you for this. I am sick of the sitcom divorce, where everyone is now friends and they get along great. I should just get over it. I don’t know anyone who has divorced like this. He threw away 20+ years of investment in family and hard work for a fantasy. This is not conscious uncoupling. It’s just pathetic. Call me bitter. I am fine with that.

lyndaloo
lyndaloo
6 years ago
Reply to  Artemis

Artemis it is pathetic, when I think about the hours I spent looking after him, his health, his clothes buying special presents arranging birthday, retirement parties, ranging vacations, taking care of his aging parents before they died. All because I loved him and he was able tobetray me like you for as you say a fantasy. There is no way to ever forgive that betrayal or the pain inflicted on family. They truly are sociopaths that value nothing but their own desires. I’m just disgusted with this creep I thought was a decent man.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago

Ok. Here’s what I have learned from the pros:

Mediate the child custody part ONLY if your asshat covets facades like NiceGuy, NiceGal and you know without a doubt they need their kids approval. If you choose to mediate the rest NEVER go in alone, that is without your atty. Some mediators will only work with the spouses, no lawyers present. Don’t do it. Why? Well, you are disengaging from a person who is an expert liar and this is the highest stakes arena for them.

Also, make sure whomever you choose, the lawyer and mediator, has a lot of experience dealing with sociopaths. Finally, your attorney should ensure ALL paperwork is filed to accommodate not only mediation but also litigation in case everything blows up while consciously uncoupling from an asshole. It’s an extra step but covers the bases.

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

After father of the year left because he had the sadz (he forgot to mention the cheating, drug use, first wife and other lies about his past) I called a mediator. Although I was completely distraught and confused, I made the appointment because I finally was starting to realize he was an abusive asshole and not just grumpy and misunderstood;) I mostly thought mediation would be good because of finances…thankfully for me, he had a complete meltdown in the office and started screaming at me not 10 minutes into the mediator introducing himself and explaining the process. It was so strange because no one was being confrontational with him, he just blew up like a rocket. The mediator was appalled. X left twice and stepped back in to scream at me some more about nothing…he just kept screaming “wtf do you want from me?!” over and over and over again-when I would try to tell him I just want him to get some help, he would just start up again.
Well, once he left, the mediator basically told me that I should not go through mediation with him, but find a really agressive attorney because there is something very wrong with him. And voila, I did (as well as finding CL and CN).
I think with all this celebrity outing of predators it might be a nice time to out the term “conscious uncoupling” which has pretty much started with those types and their Hollywood MC’s most likely. Why have we aspirationally branded these people?!

Nejla
Nejla
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

So I looked it up. Apparently a celebrity therapist named Katherine Woodward Thomas coined the term “conscious uncoupling” and wrote a book about it. She also wrote…wait for it…

“The One. 7 weeks to find the love of you life”.

Of course she did.

MightyChris
MightyChris
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

“Celebrity Therapist” – it’s all you need to know.

Ignore for the same reason it’s a bad idea to take life advice from gossip mags.

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Nejla

Oh wow, 7 whole weeks to find twue wuv??! Why so long, why not seven days? Lol What a narc-tactic crock of shit!

Nejl
Nejl
6 years ago
Reply to  Jo

Oops. Not find. “Attract”. My bad. Lol

struggling
struggling
6 years ago

I too hate this “conscious uncoupling” bullshit. Thanks a lot, Gwyneth, for giving it such a ridiculous catchy fucking name. I’ll never forget the day my ex came to me with this idea. It was a few days after he told me he’d been having an affair that he had no intention of stopping and he was thinking about leaving (Cue the Pick Me dance!). At this point, it really hadn’t sunk in to me at all how serious he was about leaving and divorcing. It was just unbearably impossible for me to even consider that he had already planned the entire divorce. I’d been completely and utterly blindsided.

So he came home all anxious to talk to me. He’d been talking to his sister, and he needed to talk to me right away. He was very eager and excited. Grabbed my hand, took me for a walk around the block because the kids (who didn’t know yet) were in the house. And he very eagerly said to me, “You’re right, I don’t want an ugly family-destroying painful divorce”… At these words, I breathed the biggest sigh of relief, for a brief moment, thank God, he’s come to his senses, he doesn’t want a divorce… “We’ll have a great relationship and I’ll just come over for dinner, we can take vacations together…” blah blah blah I didn’t hear anything after the words “Come Over”… That’s the moment the terror/horror of what was happening sunk in… I dropped to the ground, crippled, vaguely aware of neighbors walking by with their dog… I ran back to the house… but I couldn’t go in because my kids were there so I jumped in the (passenger side) car in the driveway. My bewildered husband got in the car and drove me down the street to the community park where we parked. I was curled up in the fetal position. I was screaming, at the top of my lungs, a blood-curdling scream as though I were being chopped to bits with an axe or burned alive. I continued screaming for several minutes before I was finally able to articulate words… “YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING TO GET A DIVORCE IN A BOX WITH A BIG BOW ON IT? ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR GODDAM MIND? YOU THINK I COULD BE YOUR FRIEND AFTER YOU FUCKING KILL ME? YOU ARE DELUSIONAL!!!!”

Worst fucking day of my life. Worse than DDay. The understanding that he intended to abandon me. The next few months, he expressed his utter astonishment that he would lose ALL OF ME if he left, that I would not accept a demotion in his life from WIFE to someone he felt like being friends with when he felt like it. The day he left, he told his sister, “I don’t understand what’s the big deal…” After that when he would come to get more of his stuff, he would behave like he had graduated marriage and gone off to the College of Pursuing Personal Happiness. I also remember his mother, before I cut off contact with her, constantly saying that when I get a boyfriend, I will be all healed and happy and perfectly thrilled to come to family events with my new man on my arm. Fucking delusional.

Anyway, yes file all this under “The problem is not what I did, it’s your reaction to it” Yeah. Fuck you

Whodoesthat
Whodoesthat
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling…i could have written this . It was his script….take me out of the house so as not to ‘alarm’ the children and give me the speech. He was talking in terms of coming over at weekends to do yard work. My mouth was hanging open. It was surreal that he thought this would be normal. Also normal to take my credit card off me change the bank accounts and refuse to tell me where he was living. Totally compartmentalised. I thought he had a brain tumor. So the plan was i would look after our 3 kids and he would swan off for a fabulous new chapter in his life. Great I’ll get the champagne. Fucker actually thought i would cook his meals for him after that. Apparently my reaction was ‘over the top’ and couldnt believe ‘why i thought it was so unfair’ . Disordered fuckwit is now recreating his delusion with the new victim practically referring to her as the ball and chain. Because he has to play sad sausage down trodden spineless cretin . Well shes washing his smelly lycra now …good luck !

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  Whodoesthat

“I thought he had a brain tumor” lmao I think we all go through that, right? There must be something terribly wrong with him to be this crazy. Nope, just a giant asshole 🙂

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I seriously thought mine had a brain tumor, or possibly CTE from too many concussions because his behavior was suddenly so odd.

SadKoala
SadKoala
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

My EXACT same experience too Struggling. The disordered know no bounds. Mine had it all planned in his twisted brain and explained to the kids and I that he would be a frequent visitor to our home to help with gardening and general maintenance. He even offered up his greatness to join us for dinner once a week! Oh how could be baulk at such a wonderful offer??? His image has suffered greatly since then-,all three children have rejected him and have gone struck no contact. Disordered has the sadz to his family and friends, but continues on w his baby whore. They are truly disordered!

Kimmy
Kimmy
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I swear…….your ex and his family are twins of my ex and his family! My ex told me he wanted to stay friends and share a glass of wine every now and then! My mother-in-law wanted us all to join in Thanksgiving dinners after the divorce. These are people who do not have souls. These are people who just use you and walk away.

It is important for me to have a healthy life now that I am rid of my ex-husband. I distanced myself from his family after the divorce as well. I need to be healthy and happy. The comments and opinions of me were hurtful and untrue and were simply impression management at it’s best.

I have PLENTY of room in my life now for the people who love me.

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  Kimmy

Holy friggin cow everybody, I’m blown away by all your responses. Your love, your support, you utterly deep and profound understanding… I can’t even express my gratitude.

Don’t know about you all, but at the time I thought my ex was a special brand of crazy. Since I have discovered this blog, all you wonderful people here, and our hero Chumplady and her fucking fantastic book, I keep being AMAZED at how similar our experiences have been. It’s incredible how many of you commented above that this was your exact experience. Your responses mirrored my exact feelings and experience too. I was reading it all going “yes yes yes me too.” As per usual, these fuckers seem to be working from the same playbook. I seriously hope some idiots out there who are thinking “yay let’s consciously uncouple” google this stupid term and come across this page and read all of our REALITIES and get a big a big ol dose of “this is why that’s total bullshit and ain’t fucking happening”. Not that it ever does a lick of good to convince anybody of anything when their mind is closed and nailed shut.

To those of you who commented above that reading about how agonizing my pain was two years ago and seeing how much better I’m doing now gives you hope you can get through it: Hell yes you can get through it! I’m so glad to be able to tell you that. I remember the HOPELESSNESS of feeling like that pain would never fade. Yes folks not only does it fade, but lucky us, we have the whole rest of our lives to do whatever we want with our time on this planet, whether it’s being a great parent, looking for love, cooking, working, doesn’t matter what it is. Put that asshole behind you, go No Contact, and embrace the gift that is your life!!!

Peacekeeper: Sorry I missed your post, lol! I wonder what I was talking about that made you want to call me Victorious! What a wonderful empowering compliment, thanks! I don’t always feel that strong, (gave ex about a barrel full of kibbles the other day lol) but I guess I shouldn’t underestimate the amount of happiness I’ve found in my life. So thanks XXX OOO

Bales: Yeah I’m fucking tired of hearing about what’s best for the kids too. To the point where I just want to punch people who say that, be it my ex, his mother, or whoever. What’s BEST FOR THE KIDS has been DESTROYED. We have moved on to Rebuilding Shattered Lives. Call me crazy, but I don’t think I should teach the kids that you should be friends with someone who fucking killed you. I did the pick me dance real bad, I wanted the kids to know I was committed to their father and did everything I could to save the marriage. But in hindsight, and I have told me teenage daughters this, I would NEVER want them to allow themselves to be treated the way I allowed myself to be treated. What these asshole cheaters don’t get is there is no “best for the kids” in the reality that they have created for their families.

FreeNow: Loved your line about thanksgiving in the massage parlor with the sex toys. Funny as hell and really gets the point across how delusional and gross these people are.

TiredChump: Your comment about “he could not see himself related to my pain” struck a chord with me. In addition to his profound lack of empathy during the whole clusterfuck, I’ve come to realize that I spent twenty-three years trying to get him to connect with/care about my feelings. I thought it was a matter of communication, like that I was doing a bad job expressing myself. Nope, he is missing EMPATHY, that’s what I understood twenty years too late.

Love to you all! Be Mighty, everybody!

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Reminds me how much I related to Jennifer Anniston’s comment that her ex was “missing the emotion chip.”

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  Lyn

Lyn YES!!!!!!!! Although we’ve had to swallow Gwyneth’s “conscious uncoupling”, at least we got Jen’s “missing the emotion chip” line… I’ve thought of her a million times, what she went through, and how she came up with one great line that sums up these people’s problems quite nicely

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Although my ex was funny and the life of the party kind of guy, very intelligent, etc., I noticed early in our marriage that he seemed to be lacking in the ability to empathize. One of the first things that hit me as being really odd was when he asked why his grandmother was so upset at her husband (of 40 years) funeral. WTF? On the other hand, I was crying buckets after she laid across his casket when they started to wheel it away. I barely knew his grandfather, but I felt so much for his grandmother at that moment. His reaction seemed so odd to me. That was the first time I began to realize my husband was missing an emotion chip.

love and chumpiness
love and chumpiness
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

wow, ugh that’s horrible. I don’t get why they thing everything’s going to be sunshine and roses after this crap.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago

Is there a psychological term for this kind of crap? I’d like to research it.

My husband will say and do terribly mean things one night and then the next day, without apology or acknowledgement, act normally. He will do “nice” things (nice= things he thinks I want him to do, instead of what I actually want him to do).

It’s such mindfuck. Perhaps it falls under gaslighting? Denial of the facts? As in, “I don’t understand why you are mad. I see no conflict here.”

Then he’ll ask me why I’m mad. I’ll say, I told you last night. Then he complains that he can’t fix what’s wrong because I never tell him what it is! Aaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!

His therapist believes him, too. I hate that bitch. She told him they were going to “work on his awesome”. I laughed and said “no, you need to work on your sense of entitlement”. Dick.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

I think it’s a way of conditioning us to poor treatment. Its like smacking a dog and then giving it a treat. The dog probably wont bite you after the smack because a treat is coming. The dog lost its natural reaction and defense mechanism to use its teeth to protect itself. And its a rush for them when they have a power play to control accountability for their actions. Keeps us off balance and unsure of our reactions. It always kept me with a baseline level of stress and anxiety. They love knowing they are frustrating us. And when we do stay fixated on the bad behavior and don’t respond to the treats, they are testing us and now will either up the “mean” or up the “nice” depending, I think, on their level of intelligence. I think the term for this crap is narcissist. Normal people don’t do this. The last time I probably tested someone was my parents when I was 3 years old to see what I can get away with like all children do.

Paintwidow
Paintwidow
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling,
^^^SAME^^^
Everything you wrote.
They are seriously fucked up in the head.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling,
So much of what you described I experienced, too. Just some similar tidbits from my STBX:
1. We will always be connected to one another because of the kids.
2. I am stopping at Sam’s Club on my way to the house. Do you want me to pick up anything for you?
3. When can I stop over to see the kids? I have this 2 hour window or this one.
4. I’m sorry things did not work out between us.
5. Isn’t it better for the kids to have me in their lives even if it is just a ride to a practice now and then?

He thought that he could just pop over to the house when it was convenient in his schedule. He didn’t want any responsibility. He didn’t want any friction between us. He just wanted me to accept his choices and make the best of it for him. Clean it all up, GetMeFree…get us divorced without any effort from me, leave my side business out of the support calculations, fix the hurt I caused the kids, etc. And then put on a smile so we can sit together at their games so I am not seen as the douchbag that I am.

Bales
Bales
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

GetMeFree and Struggling,

I cried when I read your posts. I share your pain with dealing with the man who wants me to pretend like nothing happened but simply that he moved to another house. It was simply a demotion. I remember that I told him the first day that we talked that I felt like I had been given a bad performance review, was being terminated and needed to begin discussing my severance. I was right and he gaslighted me for 6 months that there was no one else.

I don’t want my leaves raked! I don’t want you to bring me takeout! I don’t want you to try to be nice to me! That hurts worse…

My husband actually expects me to act like nothing has changed. The reality is that he was not around before because of work and “other commitments”. Now he wants to be Super Dad. I am dealing with the 2 hour window shit and it is about to drive me and the kids crazy. Did Super Dad suddenly emerge from the ashes? It would be great for the kids, but I doubt it. And I am so fucking tired of hearing what I need to do “for the kids”. It makes me want to vomit.

struggling
struggling
6 years ago
Reply to  Bales

Bales,

Had to shout out to you about “I don’t want you to bring me takeout! I don’t want you to be nice! It just hurts more” Yes yes yes yes. Holy shit he drove me bonkers with that shit in the early days. Sending the kids home with leftovers. Inviting me to dinner with them. Offering to show up with chicken soup when he’d heard (from kids) that I had the flu. No no no no!!!! You don’t get to be nice! You gave up all your rights to me! They don’t get it. They think, “Did I kill you? Oh, uh, sorry. But wait! I can solve that right now! Here’s……..Banana Bread!” Jeez, ex, for a second there I thought you the most evil destructor of my life and soul, but then you brought me banana bread, and I realized you’re not such a bad guy. MORON! It’s seriously insane…

Bales
Bales
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling,
Image management is a curse. Fuck them.

LongingForMeh-ca
LongingForMeh-ca
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Bales, Struggling: #metoo!
I live the term sitcom divorce!
Mine is doing his sadz sausage pick-me dance: lawn mowing, buying pet food,…I don’t want it! He’s not my friend, not a husband or partner. He’s nothing…at least I’m meh-bound….he WILL be nothing.
You are SPOT ON: He has no right! Where do these assholes get their warped ideas? Sure – lawn maintenance will perk up that nuclear crater just beautifully. Won’t even notice it! We can pose for more fake family photos after the divorce, too.
But coming apart after 31 years together is not easy. Not as easy as his chasing his fantasy and tossing a molotov cocktail into my heart & our family.

NC is helping so much! I’ve finally filed & while he ducked & dodged, he was finally served on Saturday. Hearing is in 12 days. I know it’s just the beginning, but CL & CN are my touchstone for sanity, clarity each day to get through the days.
I love you guys so much! You help me laugh, cry, clarify, identify. You give me courage and help me see a cheater-less future where i can find a whole new happiness.
Thank you so much.
SO glad to see my posts go through! Yay!

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago

Buying pet food…that reminded me.

My STBX kept offering to do things around the house after my c-section (yep…he left when I was 6 months pregnant). I did not want his help and figured out other ways to get the help I needed. And he kept complaining about how I wouldn’t let him help.

I had the kids feeding the pets and they did not tell me we were almost out of dog food until we were out of dog food. There was no way that I could carry a bag of that stuff just 3 weeks after the c-section, so I actually asked STBX to pick up a bag and bring it to the house. He then whined about how he has offered to help and I didn’t take him up on and now I ask him without giving him any notice and he already had plans for the day (he was heading to the casino with a friend). Any offers of help are shallow.

Lyn
Lyn
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

My ex acted all hurt that I didn’t want him to help me move out of our house. Like helping me move after blaming, gutting, lying to me and abandoning would make him feel better. I told him to stay away from me.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  Bales

The whole ‘Super Dad’ thing? You are not alone. Prior to DDay, my ex couldn’t be bothered with the kids, even went so far as to tell me we shouldn’t have had Baby #2, while I was cradling her in my arms. Refused to take her to Accident & Emergency with me to get baby’s arm fixed – which she had dislocated whilst in his care (I do believe this was an accident). Couldn’t be bothered to get screaming toddler out of his cot after naptime, so sent a text to get me to come back from the park to deal with him – found ex sunbathing outside while toddler was screaming purple… You get the idea.

Suddenly, I discover and out his affair, and BAM! SuperDad emerges! And the nit-picking! And expecting to see the kids around his schedule! And telling me I wasn’t to make any plans until he’d informed me of his availability (i.e. he was allowed to make plans, but I wasn’t). The hypocracy!

It’s all about image management. Just gray rock the bastard. And no contact where you can. Not every message needs a reply. Create a schedule and make sure he sticks to it. Only have contact over email. And only the essentials. Let Grey Rock become you.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago

Crazy Train-

I winced while reading about your child’s shoulder dislocation and you partners’ refusal to go with you to the hospital. Someone needs to help YOU while your child is screaming in pain.

Document the heck out of that shit. Write down the facts: who was there, sequence of events. Include as many details as you can.

Document everything, including accidents. Take pictures. Keep medical records from the Accident and Emergency visit.

I am currently doing this. Any bruise I see, whether accident or not, I snap a picture.

Hopefully I will never need this. BUT:
Scenario 1: I don’t go to court so I don’t need the records.

Scenario 2: He starts to get violent with the kids right before trial. I cannot prove anything so my children have to live with their abusive father half the time. I stand by, helpless.

Even if the documents are not needed in court, the records help me resist the temptation to go back to him.

Protect your children and yourself by any means necessary. This man does NOT have your best interest at heart.
How do I know?

When someone dislocates a child’s shoulder by accident, they feel terrible. They do anything to make it right, including coming with you for treatment.

My mom tripped over a rock while carrying my one year old. She drove us to the hospital, stayed with us, and even paid the $200 bill. Two years later she still feels terrible and doesn’t want to talk about it.
That is evidence of a conscience.

Stay safe.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago

I re-read your post and realized this probably happened long ago, so you don’t need my advice.

Here’s hoping it will touch someone else who reads this.

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Bales

Just remember – everything they do is to lessen their guilt about being so horrible – but true character would have produced guilt when the affair started!

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

Is it really guilt though Tired Chump?

Personally I think its more a PR exercise, damage control of their image. Anyone truly capable of guilt and remorse could never day in and day out knowingly destroy another person

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Good point. Not so much guilt as a weird sense of responsibility – what they “should” do – almost like manners and being “nice” vs. being kind. I have a cheater like struggling describes who wants to stay “friends” and thinks we could still vacation as a family and tries to do “nice” things. It is super confusing until I realized that these actions were all to make himself feel better. If he cared about me at all – he would have stopped fucking the ho-worker and worked on marriage or divorced me vs. making me crazy with 2 years of lies and then a brutal discard.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  TiredChump

See, I think the only reason they do it is to get something out of it. By doing a few things for us, we smooth the way to seeing their kids when it is convenient for them or at our house. And that whole idea of going on vacation together? I think that is about getting us to take the responsibility of planning the vacation and doing the parenting while on vacation. Because if they had to do that on their own, then they would be solely responsible for it all.

At this point, I do not think my STBX does anything with altruistic motives. Everything he does is about what he can get out of it.

RockStarWife
RockStarWife
6 years ago
Reply to  Bales

Bales,
I can relate to much of what you say. Both Cheater Ex-husband and Lying Ex-boyfriend want me to just sweep all their transgressions under the rug. How dare I even calmly privately utter a fact, saying, ‘You committed adultery,’ ‘You are lying to me.’ I am now persona non grata–even after congratulating (not in a sarcastic way) my ex-boyfriend on finding my replacement (which he found before he broke up with me). God, I am a chump of Olympic gold medal caliber. Sick and tired of getting kicked to the curb and feeling depressed and angry about it. Trying to figure out how to do EVERYTHING in the world on my own as EVERY partner (there have been several) has betrayed me or shown some serious character problems (sex addiction, specifically frequent sex with prostitutes, chronic lying). Will likely remain single (dateless) for rest of life as I cannot find even one reliable, unattached, willing man.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife – I feel the same way. I am focusing on making a life independent of a man. One that is fulfilling and a future that looks bright on my own. I am not saying that I will never be open to another relationship, but I want to get to a point where I absolutely do not NEED one. I will NEVER let someone else determine my value or happiness.

Bales
Bales
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RockStarWife,
I deserved better than this and you do too. I am so angry and so sad, but I believe that I will make it through this nightmare and be stronger and happier on the other side. This blog has saved my sanity – made me laugh like crazy and cry a lot too. What I learned is that I am NOT alone and the commonality of our experience has really struck me. The cheater playbook has been exposed!

For both of us, it is going to take a lot of hard work. I keep telling myself that the only person that I can control is me. I need to take time for myself, figure out who I am and know what I want from my life moving forward. I can’t imagine looking for another partner now – that will come later, much later. First, I need to heal. You do too.

Love yourself first. XX

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  RockStarWife

RSW – so sorry you’ve had such a rough time. I remember your posts in the past, and you seemed quite fragile. I hope you are a little stronger now?

You might think I’m nuts, but maybe some enforced singledom might actually be good for you. Don’t think of your singledom as an affliction… that you’re lacking something. You’re definitely not. Maybe now is the time for you to be you. To build yourself up after the crappy times you’ve had.

Perhaps now is the time to invest in rediscovering you (apologies if that sounds corny, but I think it’s true!). Invest in the music you love, the books you like to read, your friends and also making new friends, that hobby you’ve always wanted to try.

Forget men for now. Now, you’re dating yourself (again, a bit corny – but it’s true!!). You need to heal, time to fix that picker of yours. But the end goal isn’t to find a decent man, the end goal is to be strong and content in yourself.

cashmere
cashmere
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Yes, this, exactly. And when we decline that lovely offer, the mask goes bye-bye once again.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  cashmere

His lease ends next March. I expect he will up the chaos as like most narcs he has no shame.
Still trying to come back and mindfuck with gems like ‘ it’s hard to move on when I still love you’
Yup, sorry that’s your issue not mine. Three channel pony all the way.
Getting myself in a good place before March as I know what’s coming.

Lady B
Lady B
6 years ago
Reply to  GetMeFree

Heres a good one. He suggested twice that when his lease runs out, as he can’t really afford that three bed townhouse and child support, that maybe I could rent out the spare room to him….
Silence of the crickets.????????????
Can’t make this stuff up. Im nearly a year out from discovery and getting way stronger but I realise he is dangerous and would happily drag me and the kids down into his patheticness given half the chance.
Feeling like the clouds are parting somewhat or that I can think straighter now Im not being blindfolded and spun in circles.

GetMeFree
GetMeFree
6 years ago
Reply to  Lady B

“Not being blindfolded and spun in circles…” That is a perfect description!!! And it made me smile.

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Wow, that’s just awful.

It’s very similar to how my cheater approached our splitting up. He said, “We’re such good friends, so I don’t see why anything has to change” except that he’ll be living somewhere else. He even suggested having keys to each others houses! He thought that would make it easier “in case the kids needed something”. He talked about holidays together, vacations, you name it.

But no way. Those are perks as part of a package deal called “marriage”. When you leave, you lose all of the benefits. No key, no family parties, no holidays, it’s over.

Betrayal ruins everything. That’s what these people just don’t understand.

FreeNow
FreeNow
6 years ago

Soooooo disordered! Mine can’t understand why I’m still “mad” and can’t “get over it”. I’ve been 100% no contact for 20 months. It pisses him off that he can’t “control” me anymore.

He’d like us all to be one big happy family. Him, his prostitute/masseuse girlfriend, their tru wuv newborn…

Maybe we can all have Thanksgiving in the massage parlor? Pass the turkey, kinky sex toys and spit up pad grandpa dad.

They are like a piece of poo ???? you can’t seem to get off your shoe.

JustAnotherStatistic
JustAnotherStatistic
6 years ago
Reply to  FreeNow

Ugh, how obnoxious. He sounds gross.

Mine tried to justify his cheating (oops… his words were “forming feelings for someone else”, not cheating) by saying that he’s “just human”. So when he’d question my grief and anger, I used his same words. I said, I’m “just human” and have feelings too.

Chickynot
Chickynot
6 years ago

They understand “we’ll be divorced, just keep that cake coming, by the way.”

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

The apple doesn’t fall far from the dysfunctional tree does it?

TiredChump
TiredChump
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

It always helps to remember them just stepping over you – when you are laying on the ground, sobbing, curled in fetal position after the fatal blow of D-day
A counselor friend told me that it wasn’t just that my cheater lacked empathy (couldn’t feel what I felt) – it was worse because he is what is called “ego-protected” which is a fancy way of saying – that while cheater could see Tired Chump was unhappy (but again couldn’t feel it) — he did not see himself as being related to my pain.
But his behavior – essentially summarized as : “I HAVE A 28 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND WHO WAS NOT EVEN BORN WHEN WE MARRIED AND I AM CHOOSING HER OVER YOU AND OUR 3 KIDS” has nothing to do with him
AGHHHH – they are nuts

Patti
Patti
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

I related to your description also. Exactly how I felt. And I have screamed and cried like that many times. It sucks and I felt it with your words. That awful pit in the stomach but bigger and more awful than a pit. Thank you for sharing. It helps me to know I can survive like you are.

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Oh my God Struggling the apple sure didn’t fall far from the tree. No wonder you felt heartbroken and totally betrayed. To have his mother think all you need to do if find yourself a nice new man, and have him say, “What’s the big deal?” just shows how shallow these people are, and how trivial they view commitment in marriage.

Sending you strength and big hugs xxx

BeowulfSabrina
BeowulfSabrina
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

My mouth dropped open as I read your words, could have been my hub word for word. Excitedly talking about how THEY would “stop by” and he’d come over and hang out and he’d fix things around the house and it would be the same but different cos HE WANTED TO BE POLYAMORY now. An atom bomb just when you think they might have come to their senses, they destroy over and over again. I’m so sorry. For all of us.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling,
The sheer agony of the pain of that horrible day in your life is so vivid in your post.
I am so sorry for all the pain you have suffered.
As others, I have not been able to post, but not too long ago, I posted a reply that did not go through to a post you made. In this post I rembember being amazed at your strength and determination. I said to you that your name should be changed from struggling to VICTORIOUS. You are a hero, truly a hero.
Fuck him in his Fantasyland. Partners with integrity will never fall for bullshit like he idealized! As if! Good for you!
Mighty Victorious, Struggling,YOU are!

Feelingit,
I follow your posts.
You and your children dwell in my heart.
I admire your wisdom and strength, and I am so thankful that there is a CL, CN in your time of need.
People like Struggling, Tempest, LAJ, Tessie, oh so many others.
All CN ‘s love, understanding and guidance is right there beside you just when you need it most! Along with your strength, your morals and just WHO YOU are, well Feelingit, you got this!
I believe in you!
(((((((Manyhugstoyoualwaysandthekids)))))))

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Peacekeeper, I am always so happy to see your posts. They are like the comfort of an angel.

I am trying to calm down right now. I decided to come here which I often do to get my dose of this too shall pass.

My senior in high school son called me a couple of hours ago upset because his fear of being served a subpoena for a deposition at his School had been realized. He was embarrassed and angry. He texted his father and said thanks for ruining his day. Do you think he showed one iota of empathy? HA! No, he blamed me and said ask your mother why this was necessary. It wasn’t. It is because his father is a disordered narc who takes responsibility for nothing and I have no idea what he hopes to gain by bringing the adult children in to testify. He is putting them in the middle. This is the son who was trying the hardest to have a relationship with him.

And I am supposed to consciously uncouple with him. I haven’t found a person yet other than Fuckwit who doesn’t see how horrifying that would be to be called down to your school’s office over the loud speaker to be served a subpoena in plain view of all around. This is a small school. Word travels faster than the speed of sound. Gee, thanks dad.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Feelingit,
I keep re reading your post about your son. I feel so angry and I am so sorry this happened to him.
I believe fuckwit did this to upset you with no regard to how a young man in high school would feel at such an embarrassing happening, and in a smaller school where everyone knows everyone. I am sure the support of your son’s real family-you and his siblings, and his true friends is a big help to him. His father’s actions are so self serving and disgusting.
I often think that, we, the Chump, were unfortunate to have said vows, married a cheater type person. BUT, innocent children, that are a cheater’s own flesh and blood. How the hell can they treat their own child this way?
I know we just have to trust that they suck, but the pain and bewilderness linger, always tugging at our heart. Our children are our most precious gift in life. Not so, to the cheater. The cheater is first, front and centre at all costs.
There is so much more I want to say about how difficult my cheater has been regarding our beautiful children, the not being there emotionally throughout life for them. The most recent being the sudden tragic death of eldest daughter’s husband. His response has been to buckle up. He goes on as though nothing happened. This girl is such a beautiful person, so strong in her struggle with two young children, working hard and having financial difficulties. I help, I do whatever, as much as, I can. I feel heart broken, also so worried, as the children are undergoing tests for hereditary symptoms.
I am accustomed to being the sane, present, loving parent, but sometimes it is so overwhelming.
The daily struggles that you face each day Feelingit, I understand. I feel for you and what happened to your son was so unnecessary and downright cruel.
Coming to CN is so healing for each of us Chumps. Sometimes all we can say is I am sorry and I understand and we feel so grateful to be able to do that.
Thank you CL, CN for allowing us to hug each other!
((((((Feelingit)))))

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

Peacekeeper and sunrise, thanks so much for your kind words. It is mind boggling to me how someone can be so angry toward his children. Why can’t he see it? He just has so much hate.

Son has been accepted to college for next year and is doing well in school. He will survive but it breaks my heart to see him forced out of childhood this way.

My older son seems to be afraid to go into work now. A group of managers is visiting his branch today because it is well run and he has to be ready that someone may come in the middle of this to serve a subpoena.

Oldest daughter dodged the server yesterday and has a kind boss who knows the situation and says she will lock their usually open door today.

Crazymaking!

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Good lord your ex is a real jerk. The serving of subpoenas can be COORDINATED. I did this with my ex. Of course I had to threaten him with serving him at work if he didn’t set a private time and place. But I have his the option.

Again, tell the judge the cruel and unnecessary measures your ex took. Even though they’re adults, I doubt the judge will be happy with it.

Sunrise
Sunrise
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

I’m so sorry for you and your son FeelingIt. My son graduated in June, no longer a minor. I can imagine him getting served at school. How horrible. How unnecessary. Be sure you and your attorney mentions this to your judge at every opportunity.

My son is thriving in college, away from his father’s ongoing ugly family dynamics. I hope your son finds some peace and enjoys the rest of his senior year.

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  struggling

Struggling, your description and words are amazing. Every word rings true.

Your sharing your pain (sorry to say) helps me.

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago

Howdy, y’all!

Two years ago today my wife of 10 years slithered her cum-dumpster ass through our front door after a purported girls’ night out. I instantly knew in my gut that she had fucked another dude. I finally got up the nerve to ask her to confess, and in response she pummeled my face with her tiny never-once-did-a-load-of-laundry fists trying to get me to raise a hand to her. I wouldn’t play her sick game, so she stole my dog and bailed. I wrote to Chump Lady after I picked my dick up out of the dirt, and she answered my letters. Spilling my guts here and seeking solace in the joyful commiserating was about the only relief I could find for the longest time. I thought I might die from the pain of my broken heart; I was absolutely certain I would die from the pain; I didn’t die from the pain.

Wise chumps warned me the cheater would circle back – I was dubious. She circled back. Six months ago she ghosted me again after six weeks of tenuous wreckonciliation. Once I’d seen the evil in her I never could look at her the same. She told me she feared I might be too angry for us to really ever make it work. She was right. Fucking bitch.

I spent some time this last week lurking and reading the latest posts. It’s been empowering to see so many familiar faces doing so well. It’s been heartbreaking to see so many freshly-chumped faces doing so poorly. Chump Lady never ceases to amaze me with her ability to weaponize snark for good. Believe me when I say that it gets so much better, y’all. Meh is real and it is spectacular.

Trudge on, mighty Chump Nation.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Welcome back Dubious-now-Doubtless!

There are so many times in this post-Dday journey when I thought “of course my X wouldn’t do that” and then… Well, trust that cheaters suck… nuff said.

I’m so sorry for the pain you have been enduring Doubtless and glad to be reading your witty comments again!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Wreckonciliation sucks for sure. Been there. Done that. Eight months and my dignity were lost during that debacle. You deserve better than that cheater!

Aletheia
Aletheia
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Hey! Good to see you and as you well know, sorry about it at the same time.

I spent 13 years swallowing my anger and trying to be ok with the mess. I’d never judge anyone for trying to be with somebody they love. Eventually the pain will help us stay away.

I hope you hang around, I have always loved your comments.

Star Tingover
Star Tingover
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Hi Ian,
I am glad to see you back. You “welcomed me to the club” several years ago. I’ve missed your wit and insight. And, I am sorry that you were hurt again. (The “gift” that keeps on giving…)

Jo
Jo
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

In defense of Doubtless, it often takes multiple attempts to leave an abuser. This is a well-documented phenomenon to any student of abuse cycles. It’s not always about “learning the lesson” or whatever, sheesh.

Doubtless, posting this took guts. Keep the faith, brother!

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Yeah, well. Chump Lady is where I come to admit the shameful stuff. I take comfort in knowing that I am not alone if falling for love bombing.

No, she got the dog.

What did it take for you to learn your lesson?

Doingme
Doingme
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Doubtless

Good to have you back where the hope is real. Missed you.

Hold your head high. You saw the evil. We love way to much. The journey is getting our power back and it’s worth facing the pain to finally detach. We don’t beat ourselves up over wanting to believe. You survived. That’s what’s important. MEH.

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

“What did it take for you to learn your lesson?”

If this hasn’t already been a Chump Lady topic, inviting people to comment, then I reckon it should be!

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Shes is a disgusting excuse for a woman. If you reached Meh i am very happy to hear. Sorry for your pain and struggle. And your dog. I’m gonna lose mine too. It took realizing that the pain of staying was more than the pain of leaving. I hired a forensic accountant after i left and realized he was stealing hoards of cash for years. And after years of reading everyone’s advice and experiences I realized he wants me back so he can “finish me off” on his terms since I filed without him knowing. I’m not letting this mf finish me off. No one is completely destroying me physically, mentally, and financially. I wasn’t born to be abused. That’s not my purpose on earth. I would rather cry alone in my own house bought with my own money watching Lifetime movies than let that man rip me apart for another day. When I got weak my friend locked me in her house like a crack addict. I had to go back and listen to my recorded convos and read the God awful texts and read the police reports over and over. I kept forgetting why i left. I was sick of adrenaline rushes and jumping up when I heard his boots. Had to convince myself the man i married “died” in january 2015. That’s some of what kept me from going back.

Peacekeeper
Peacekeeper
6 years ago

Whatringofhellisthis,
Buy that friend flowers!
????

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Peacekeeper

???????????????????????? true friends are such treasures

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

So sorry you experienced that pain … been there on several occasions. But also glad you were too angry to truly accept her back, as she doesn’t deserve you and wasn’t any more committed the second time than the first. Hugs!

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Anger is a powerful force for change. Thanks, Dixie. You were one of the people I was glad to see kicking around the place.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

I will be kicking around your city the week after Xmas … 🙂

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

“Cum dumpster”- love the poetry. Good name for cheater’s whore!!

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  Feelingit

Gracías. Chump Lady brings out the wordsmith in me.

Current Chump
Current Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Welcome back Ian-
You are an Olympic gold medal wordsmith.
I have missed reading your witty responses.
So sorry about the dog
Glad that you have reached meh!

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Current Chump

Ian, did you get your dog back???

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  SheChump

No, darling SheXhump, she kept the dog. But the life of a 46-year-old bachelor has its perks! ????

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Welcome back, Chump-formerly-known-as-Dubious. I hope you’re finally divorced from that skanky MG, with a good settlement.

Doubtless
Doubtless
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Divorcing an NPD lawyer with a thing for guns and violence has changed my perspective on humans to be sure.

SheChump
SheChump
6 years ago
Reply to  Doubtless

Doubtless….so nice to have you back. You’ve obviously reached the other side. Congratulations!

JC
JC
6 years ago

Even my friends still forget and occasionally ask, “Have you heard from your XW?”

And I’m floored by it. At this point, I haven’t spoken to her in more than three years, except for a one-off coincidence where we attended the same professional networking function. I live 2,500 miles away from her. She has a baby with her OM, and she and I had no children together.

So WHY would I keep in touch with her? Why would we be friends? What sort of world do people live in where they assume I’d maintain a friendship with a former cheating spouse when I have no obligation to do so?

I’ve got enough friends.

Battle-Tempered Lionheart
Battle-Tempered Lionheart
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

The bank metaphor comes in handy here. Would you do business with a bank that took your savings of $10,000? or $1,000? $500? What about $100 or even $10?

C’mon. It’s not their fault. They lo-o-ost it. They didn’t meeean to! Give them a chance. It was only $10. No, they aren’t going to pay you back. It’s only money.

Why can’t you get over it? No one is perfect. You’re overreacting, like you always do.
YOU certainly aren’t perfect. You lost your friend’s $20. And that’s TWICE as much as the bank lost.

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE? Accusing the bank!?!! You’ve got some nerve!

Whatever.
*bank walks away with head down. Another sad sausage browbeaten by women who expect way too much*

Star Tingover
Star Tingover
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

I get this, too: “Have you heard from [him]? Or, better yet, “What’s [he] up to?”

Even after 5 years, it always feels like yet another punch in the gut.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

lol … my ex lives in Florida and my family got all concerned about his welfare before and after the recent hurricanes. They were so surprised that I wasn’t carefully monitoring his situation and perhaps driving over with bottled water and peanut butter! SNORT!!! It would be far more appropriate for me to apologize to all those Floridians who just happened to be in the path of what I wished on my ex … a category 6 aimed directly at (BAM’s address here!!)

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Lol. I was in that path, and you checked on me. ❤️
I cannot even tell you the glee I feel every time you call him BAM (Broke Ass Mountain)! Those no-good cheaters underestimated us big time. We are NC masters, and we are mighty!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

Yes, and I now have high standards for my friends. Cheaters don’t cut it.

UnflownKite
UnflownKite
6 years ago
Reply to  JC

I know, right? And it’s not like I enjoy knowing that we live in a world that people can “ghost” or “forget” people that they once knew and even had an intimate relationship with, but being cheated on is not the same thing as ghosting an old high school friend or an employee that you used to have drinks with. There seems to be a little spill over into other relationships that I don’t really like. I think I’m saying people are blurring the lines and in some cases total no-contact makes complete sense (as in being cheated on), yet being ghosted by someone such as a friend is unacceptable (especially if there was no argument, etc). It’s like ghosting is becoming socially acceptable.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  UnflownKite

And it shows cowardness, IMO.

UnflownKite
UnflownKite
6 years ago

I can tell all and sundry, I will never be that smug divorce. Actually, I often check myself to determine if I am the lady who protested too much. If I knew he didn’t have a receipt and couldn’t prove ownership and it was “his,” I tore it, broke it, hammered it, gave it away, and/or sold it. You don’t get to cheat on me and then financially abandon us the day after I confront you. No. Did I spend (and owe) quite a bit to an attorney. Yes. Because I was not going to just walk away as he wanted me to. And, when I leave this upside down mortgage house (that he had to have in his name only), I’m not sure that I’m not going to leave posters in the window facing the street with words written on them such as, “LIAR and CHEATER.” Because he has the bad case of impression management. I’m blowing town and won’t see any of these people ever again. None of any of it is my shame and I’m not wearing it. I just wish that I wouldn’t stop being shocked that he didn’t pay attention to who I am for the last 20 years. Because if he had, he would’ve known I wasn’t going to protect him.

KeepItMoving
KeepItMoving
6 years ago
Reply to  UnflownKite

I poured a decaying salmon into my ex’s gym bag because it was more important for him to go play tennis the morning after DDay than to talk to about what he did. Felt good. #sorrynotsorry

Off the crazy train
Off the crazy train
6 years ago
Reply to  KeepItMoving

Oh man, I wish I’d done this! I had a similar dismissal. A couple of days after DDay (we’d barely had any contact, as I’d kicked him out), I called him. We’d barely had contact. But instead of talking to me, he had to “go and play football.” When I protested, given what was happening, he just said “I can’t let the lads down.” I shit you not. He let down his WIFE and mother of his kids in the worst way possible, he’d not seen us for 5 days, but a game of football was more important?!

Jojobee
Jojobee
6 years ago
Reply to  KeepItMoving

I poured skunk scent into the heater of my ex’s prize camaro. I would have loved to see his face when he turned on the heater. people are always extra horrified by this. I seriously wonder why? People never seemed horrified that he cheated, got hookers, never used protection, exposed me to diseases, abandoned his children, never paid child support, let the house be foreclosed, and drained marital assets down to nothing before his abandonment–but my one little act of defiance (that did no permanent damage) seems totally “out there” and “vindictive.” WHY?

JeepTess
JeepTess
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

…wow…wish I’d thought of that Jojobee 🙂

…course satan probably would have liked the smell 😀 kroger ho = skanky skunk

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Jojobee

That’s awesome, Jojobee.

Another member of CN put shrimp in her X’s car vents (can’t remember who; anyone raising their hand?). He never got rid of the smell because he couldn’t find the source & had to sell the car.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Here’s to stinky shrimp ! A friend appeared very classy and not crazy by packing up and leaving his cheater. Before departing,he very carefully removed the curtain rods and packed them full of shrimp shells before reinstalling the curtains. Madame Drop Trou had to move out of her apartment because of the stench ! She couldn’t figure out where the smell emanated from-not the sharpest crayon in the box !

Ispyacheater
Ispyacheater
6 years ago

I mixed Nair in with his face lotion and shampoo. I also wiped down the inside of the washer with bleach when I left. Petty maybe, but it felt good!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  UnflownKite

I am still waiting for those rare exotic diseases to kick in from his tooth brush being used in the toilet bowl for months!! Still waiting …

Natalia.B
Natalia.B
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Dixie Chump you’re so funny. Just what I needed today. Thank you for making me laugh.

I did the toothbrush thing too but I decided to use his for my 13 year old dog first then a quick swish around rim of toilet. He’d always resented how much I loved my dogs, so I can’t tell you the pure satisfaction of standing talking to him as he brushed his teeth, knowing where his brush had been. Poetic justice

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Makes you wonder where their mouths have been that they have a built up immunity to shit and older dog tartar.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago

LOL, Whatring. Immunity, indeed. (I think we know where their mouths have been, and it ain’t pretty.)

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  Natalia.B

Gives new meaning to “shit eating grin”!!!

UnflownKite
UnflownKite
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

LOL! I actively looked for poison oak/ivy. I had all intentions of rubbing it all through his sheets. There was no stopping me. What prevented me was him not coming home the day after I confronted him. I was on a mission and had already prepared what face I would use when everyone wondered what was breaking him out so badly.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
6 years ago
Reply to  UnflownKite

lol! I was wondering if a mushroom omelette using a few mushrooms from the backyard would be tasty. I concluded I wouldn’t look very good in orange … 🙂 Fire ants were also watching me nervously …

wasjustanotherchump
wasjustanotherchump
6 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

x came home the Fri before Canuck thanksgiving (which would have been that Monday coming up) and announce that “this no longer works for me, I’ve rented an apartment across the country and will be back to get my things in a couple of weeks.”
My son talked me out of leaving the turkey to defrost in the trunk of his car (we still have to eat Mom and it’ll stink up the garage not just his car) He also managed to convince me using golf clubs on his Harley would be bad (not paid for Mom, you’ll end up paying the damn thing off).
x trusted me so much he actually left his beloved possessions behind … I hadn’t even found out about the 2 decades of hookers, AFF, AM etc yet and I still wanted to destroy his “precious”! Once I found out he was warning me not to touch his toys. Never touched them.

bouncing back
bouncing back
6 years ago

Mediation is a tool specifically built for narcissistic sociopaths and cheaters. Is another way for them to manipulate the process, drag their feet, and keep cake going.

I absolutely hate the pressure that Tracy mentioned in this article about friendly divorce is. Because now the legal system is caught up in it forcing a lot of people to go through mediation where it is dangerous for the person who has been abused. The abuse gets worse during mediation.

ANC
ANC
6 years ago
Reply to  bouncing back

The disordered will never play fair, even if they say they will be fair. There is a tremendous amount of covert competition against the chumps by the cheater. Do NOT listen to the BS of the cheater. Get a great atty and get out of the abuse.

Yes. I want to save money in the process. NO, I will not go away and leave my personal welfare or the welfare of my minor kids on the table to be Nice. Then watch the facade slip and the cheater venom run.

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  ANC

Any illusion that they are playing fair really just means you have them by the short & curlies.

Mine didn’t balk at settlement (including coughing up a large chunk of his retirement) because (a) I had access to all the documentation, having thrown him out weeks earlier; (b) community property state–50/50 division, baby!, (c) state-mandated amount for child support based on his salary, and (d) any public trial advertising his adultery with students could have cost him his professorship.

His initial attempts at mediation (read, trying to trick me into a paltry settlement) were an indication of the mindfuckery I’d have been subject to in mediation.

Out West
Out West
6 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, similarly I wielded what I fondly call ‘leverage’ over my x. Worked great on image control. Several people have told me they wouldn’t want to divorce me…a high compliment!

Tempest
Tempest
6 years ago
Reply to  Out West

I love it when chumps have leverage! Well-done, OutWest!

Feelingit
Feelingit
6 years ago

Amen, Amen, Amen!!! I put this in the best column ever category. I think this needs to run on the front page of the New York Times and get lead billing on the Huffington Post. Shout it everywhere. Divorce is hell and you don’t do it unless you have been betrayed on a deep level and that causes pain.

Gwyneth Paltro, what kind of alternate universe do you live in?

About 5 months into separation when I finally came to my senses, fuckwit told me that he wanted to be friends and my knee jerk reaction was to tell him “if we could be friends, we would still be married”. He looked at me like he was considering but he had no response. What the fuck is wrong with these people? Oh, I know, they have been somehow programmed to deny emotion their entire lives. Their lives are run off a societal script and they can pull out whatever role they want to play at the drop of a hat. Image management. I guess that explains why Hollywood is full of these sociopathic narcs. Acting is their forte.

“Oh goody. Where do I get one of those exes who want a fair settlement and desires my friendship? Are they all on back order? I got a disordered creep who sues me pro se.” This was exactly the role my cheater was scripting for himself but it didn’t match his actions. His idea of a fair settlement was to walk away paying Feeling it $50 dollars a month or so and friendship means feeling doing on demand whatever he wants and taking care of his kids full-time until he needs them for a publicity photo or a scene in his latest movie that is his glamorous life.

What!, Feelingit can’t just play her role as the good little chump and go away telling everybody that we just grew apart and are divorcing better than everybody else because we are (I am) superior to everyone at everything (even divorcing). Then I am going to have to start a smear campaign that she is mentally ill and I will fight her every step of the way. I am going to Win at all costs because I am superior and I am never wrong.

By the way, I think loss causes sadness in emotionally healthy people. When something dies, they feel the pain and then recover. I don’t believe death was meant to be a happy occasion, neither is divorce or amputation. We deal with it and move on.

NoMoreNacrs
NoMoreNacrs
6 years ago

conscious uncoupling = pyramid scheme

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

When your spouse repeatedly tells you how he is going to violently kill you there is no uncoupling. That’s war. Sleeping in your car and spending hundreds a week in therapy so you can just barely function. That’s a crime in my opinion. Feeding your dog canned beans and threatening you if you throw out that uneaten food there will be consequences. That’s a psycho. So good for the uncouplers. I’m happy for them. They didn’t accidentally marry Satan.

love and chumpiness
love and chumpiness
6 years ago

I’m so sorry you had to go through that.

Whatringofhellisthis
Whatringofhellisthis
6 years ago

????thank you for your comforting words. It’s nice to come here and get understood by people that lived and know the same struggles.

slowtolearn
slowtolearn
6 years ago

Thank you for this post, CL, it’s exactly what I need to read today. Every instinct tells me that no contact is the only way to peace and healing for me, that there is no way to be friendly with someone who has willingly and knowingly inflicted so much pain on me. But my Jackass, along with a couple of “well meaning” family and friends tell me to “think of the children.” Guess what? I *am* thinking of the children: I’m thinking that their mother deserves to not have to interact with a lying, cheating, gaslighting, disordered Jackass!

pregnant chump
pregnant chump
6 years ago

I can’t imagine being friends with ex ever again. We were a normal family on New Year’s Day teaching our son how to use his scooter. Fast forward 48 hours and ex was walking out the door never to return. He allowed me to go through pregnancy, childbirth and having a newborn baby alone. His actions could have caused harm for his unborn child and he didn’t care. Yes I’m angry and perhaps I could be called bitter but I think I have enough reason to be those things..