Stay for the Money or Go for the Sanity?
She’s separated and is wondering if she should stay in her current place for the money she’d save or get a new place for her sanity?
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Dear Chump Lady,
Your book has provided an incredibly helpful and eye-opening perspective on my situation. I’ve been with my husband for 11 years, marrying him 3 years ago after he proposed. Given his long-term affair with the affair partner, I’m still trying to understand why he even proposed. However, your “Cake Theory” perfectly explained his personality and was an actual light-bulb moment for me. He is 100% a kibble junkie!
For years, he, a contractor, deceitfully insisted that this woman was merely a customer. He felt sorry for her because she was losing her eyesight.
I was uncomfortable with their relationship from the start.
He was actively hiding their communication, doing things like changing her name in his phone and communicating with her on WhatsApp for years, yet I foolishly believed him. He has finally admitted to the ongoing affair only after being caught this last time. (Again, I feel like a dumbass for typing this.)
I have moved into his second home, located in the French Quarter in New Orleans, not a terrible place to be. We do not have any children, but a prenuptial agreement and no marital assets. Our attorney has informed me that we can use an earlier date — April of this year — to satisfy the required six-month separation period in Louisiana.
I initially separated from him six months ago after he butt-dialed me while he was with the AP, despite claiming he was home. As a condition of reconciliation, he installed Life360 on his phone and an AirTag in his vehicle.
In retrospect, I don’t want to be married to someone I feel I have to track.
However, he deliberately left his phone and removed the AirTag so he could meet with his AP for an afternoon. We also tried counseling, and the therapist’s advice was essentially the same reconciliation complex BS and useless.
My current dilemma is both financial and emotional, revolving around two separation options:
Option 1: Stay at his place for six months
- Benefit: Save approximately $12,000. I plan to use this money for a divorce/birthday celebration in Nashville with my nieces and sister-in-law.
- Drawback: This will prevent me from implementing a complete “no contact” separation and lots of memories of him, this home in located in the French Quarter.
Option 2: Rent a short-term unit
- Benefit: I can move near a park in a different part of town, which would significantly increase my happiness. I can also instruct our attorney to use an earlier separation date, allowing us to finalize the divorce much sooner.
- I’m torn between saving a significant amount of money and achieving a cleaner, faster, and emotionally happier separation.
What are your thoughts?
Nola
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Dear Nola,
My thoughts are this is a really privileged set of options. Usually I get questions more in line with: “I’ll have to live in a cardboard box for eternity, but I’d prefer that to another second of in-home separation. Tell me, how bad is wet cardboard?”
But you’re talking about second homes and spending $12K on a party. Clearly, you’re going to be financially okay either way. So, let’s focus instead on your sanity. One thing you wrote gives me serious pause.
“I can also instruct our attorney…”
OUR attorney?!
I am not an attorney, I’m a lady with a blog and this is not legal advice. However, this shared attorney situation sets off all sorts of alarm bells! I get that you have a prenup. But Girlfriend, you should have your own attorney. Cheaters do NOT have your best interests at heart. They are not honest brokers in mediation. And (I just Googled) Louisiana is a fault state! If you have proof of a long-term affair, why aren’t you leveraging that?
With a fault divorce, you don’t have to wait 6 months. You can achieve the sanity of permanent no contact much sooner! Please, get your own lawyer and explore your options. Do not default to whichever attorney he chose to do the prenup.
You may have more options than you know.
And when you’ve been emotionally suckered punched by the discovery of a long-term affair you’re not in your right mind. Which is why you need your own support team, therapist, doctor, and lawyer to advocate for you. People who are focused on YOUR well-being and not your FW’s.
Now, let’s look at the options you think you have now.
Benefit: Save approximately $12,000. I plan to use this money for a divorce/birthday celebration in Nashville with my nieces and sister-in-law.
You could have a party and not spend $12K. In my first divorce, I had a memorable evening with two girlfriends in a coffee house, listening to a blues guitarist sing “I’m Sitting on Top of the World“. Then afterwards we shot fireworks off the roof. I think the whole thing cost under $20. Maybe $40 if you include the firecrackers.
You don’t have to live under the thumb of a FW to have a good time.
Drawback: This will prevent me from implementing a complete “no contact” separation and lots of memories of him, this home in located in the French Quarter.
You do not want to be beholden to a FW. If you do explore this option, have no contact written in and spell out the terms of your “free” rental. He doesn’t get to come and go in “his” home. It’s yours until your condo is available. I have a feeling this was an offer from your husband to extend his cake privileges and will disappear off the table the minute you call an attorney of your own.
Also, I know from personal experience that the French Quarter is a great place to obliterate bad memories. I think you can take back the French Quarter quite easily with some fried oysters and a go cup.
Getting rid of him is a mental exercise not a geographic one.
Benefit: I can move near a park in a different part of town, which would significantly increase my happiness. I can also instruct our attorney to use an earlier separation date, allowing us to finalize the divorce much sooner.
Reiterating: GET YOUR OWN ATTORNEY. And sure, try the oysters and go cups in a different quarter of New Orleans. The divorce is going to take as long as it takes. You can start evicting him from your head and your life right now.
I’m torn between saving a significant amount of money and achieving a cleaner, faster, and emotionally happier separation.
I would always choose sanity over money, especially if you can afford it. And even when you cannot (which is usually the case here). As Mr. CL the trial lawyer says “Some money is too expensive.”
But you haven’t yet explored the option of more money AND no contact, which your own lawyer could help you with.
Either way you go, you’re getting rid of him. Which is ultimately the right choice. God speed on the divorce.
From my perspective (which I accept could be seen as privileged), I would suggest that the $12K that Nola would save by staying in her FW’s second home will be hard earned. Much better for her to cut her losses and make a fresher and cleaner start. Were the $12K for what I would term “Survival Costs” then staying might make sense, but for a party I would gently venture “Not so much.”
When I look back at “Ground Zero” after my divorce from Ex-Mrs LFTT nearly 10 years ago (and I left the marriage with in excess of £35K of debt and having taken a significant hit against my pension savings), I remember telling myself that I could always earn more money or save “better” to get myself out of the financial hole that had been dug for me by Ex-Mrs LFTT …. but that what I could never get back was the time of mine (our marriage was 26 years long) that she had wasted and that the psychological damage done to myself and our children (then 11, 16 and 18) would take time and effort to repair.
While I became very careful with my money in the aftermath of the Settlement, I became even more careful with my time and my mental health. I suspect that Nola would do well to do the same.
LFTT
Yes, get away from the dude and legally make him your ex-husband. You can do a lower-key party and go on with your life. Get your own attorney to ensure your rights are appropriately protected.
It took a while for my ex to let go, but once we were about eight months in, I found the whole thing strangely satisfying. All his disordered thinking and misbehavior were coming to light, and I was beginning to grasp a future without him. So I hit meh about when the judge signed off.
I didn’t have a party, but my bestie took me out for dinner. All good.
I posted this elsewhere, but want to respond to you with Quote of the day by Fyodor Dostoevsky: ‘The greatest happiness is to know the source of unhappiness’
Unfortunately I had a crappy lawyer but I also pushed through the divorce quickly same as you, as I found more and more evidence of FW narcopath betrayals I just wanted OUT versus tracking down every penny stolen.
Guess what, my physical and mental health as well as love and social lives have all improved since removing that toxic source of Unhappiness.
So true. When you can name the truth and live in reality, the rest becomes easier.
At this point, I feel sorry for my ex. We haven’t been in touch at all for awhile now, but what a wreck. I doubt that he ever got truly better.
Nola, “our attorney” stuck out to me to too. You should not be getting divorce advice or services from someone you aren’t paying yourself, who doesn’t see you as the sole client.
You also mentioned that there are no marital assets after 11 years together. “Allowing you to stay in his second home” likewise was a red flag for me. First, why isn’t this already your second home if you’ve been married three years? Was the prenup written so you’d never get any part of premarital assets? He may be planning to take that $12 K you supposedly are saving to look like a nice guy to the judge, then take it off your settlement. Or charge you for it. Or perhaps to claim you are still cohabitating and resetting the clock. Or something else a lawyer of your own could figure out and advise you on.
I’m also concerned that he’s using your absences from the primary home to gather and hide evidence that could be used against him in your at-fault state. It may be important legally to know when he started cheating with that client, or with anyone else.
Please use some of that money you’re “saving” to get your own lawyer. Don’t tell him. And see if you can find a divorce support group. You might also look up Second Saturday Divorce Workshops, which usually have presentations by an attorney, financial expert and therapist. If they don’t have one in New Orleans, you might be able to find something online.
Finally, you plan to use the savings for a very expensive party with your nieces and sister-in-law. If this is HIS sister and HIS nieces, you may want to rethink if they will be “for” you or just using you after the divorce.
And if it’s so important to you to save $12K in rent, maybe your finances aren’t as great as they should be long term, and you should save that money for necessities or a future celebration after you’re reestablished. If you’ve been with this guy for 11 years, you may need that money to furnish your new home with necessities. Starting with a new bed and toilet brush.
Good luck!
If Nola can’t afford a surprise move and a new apartment – or at least, things are so tight that 6 months of “free” rent is this tempting – then I would argue she can’t afford a $12k party in Nashville either.
Nola, do you have emergency savings? As in, 6-12 months of living expenses’ worth of cash sitting in your own bank account?
If so, use that to get your own attorney and move out ASAP.
If not, building that fund is your priority, in addition to any marital assets YOUR attorney says you may be entitled to.
OMG! If you are considering a $12,000 party versus your sanity, your head is not where it needs to be right now! You are lucky to be living in a state with FAULT divorce and proof of cheating with a 10 year history between you. While it’s true that you’ve only been married for 3 years, how could you not want to find out all options that are best for YOU? You have no idea of what you may be entitled to! How could you focus on a party and not your options to jumpstart the next phase of your life?
I think that CL was very kind with her response. I would have hit you over the head with a much larger 2 x 4.
You absolutely need your own lawyer. I am not sure what you thought or what he said to make you think that a joint lawyer was a good idea for YOU! Scrape, beg or borrow enough to see the best lawyer you can. Protect yourself!!
And don’t tell your cheater your plans. And don’t use any lawyer your cheater may have suggested at any point. And don’t use the lawyer who prepared the pre-nup. Find a lawyer that only does matrimonial law and ask them in the consultation how they feel about cheating. If the answer isn’t close to “they suck” keep looking.
100% agree with your assessment. I became very careful with my spending post separation even though technically I could have afforded a $12k party, that was the last thing on my mind!
Wait. Is it even possible to be married for three years and have NO marital assets? (I’m not even counting the eight years before that.) You two really commingled ZERO funds during all that time?
The money spent on the affair partner (does he pay her rent too?) is in fact a fraudulent use of marital assets.
Don’t just get another lawyer. Get a pitbull lawyer — because you don’t sound angry or clear-headed enough about this. How long was this affair? The whole marriage? $12k for a party? Agree with CL that there should be no such thing as “our” lawyer — whoa.
I say this with love — you aren’t thinking clearly. Get your team together. (And I hope SIL is your brother’s wife and not your FW’s sister.)
Great points. But I assumed they kept their money separate. But yes, if he’s been spending any marital funds on his “client” ask for that back in the divorce!
Saving the $12k for an apartment security deposit and rent or down payment on a home makes sense to me, not a party and I love parties plus I was plenty privileged when married in terms of household income.
Another factoid is OP’s “no marital assets” to split or fight over which does not jive with the above mention of casually blowing $12k, on a party. Truly a confusing post.
Time generally equals money. You are compensated at work for your time and your expertise. You will continue to work therefore continue to generate money.
Sanity? Sanity is priceless. That regenerates at a far, far slower rate wherein it can actually be measured.
Let’s talk about how you are actually paying your rent here if you decide to move into/stay in HIS second home:
It’s still his. He owns it. Nothing other than a piece of paper prevents him from dropping in whenever he wants. You may be friendly with his neighbors, but they are HIS neighbors. Nothing but a piece of paper says he has to permit you to live there. I am not a lawyer and am not clear on what constitutes occupancy in Louisiana-I would imagine that after the divorce is finalized he could more easily, you know, evict you. And probably move Schmoopie in.
I will repeat that: “Nothing but a piece of paper stops him.” His ethics thus far have included marrying you knowing full well that he was winking and nodding through the vows(I did read the phrase “long term affair”, yes? Like “started before we brought the federal government and Jesus into the relationship?), cheating on you, changing Schmoopie’s name in WhatsApp to cover his tracks, only copping to the affair AFTER getting caught, agreeing to the Bomb Collar, again winking and nodding as he took it off.
Having read all of that: does that seem like the kind of person that you would trust not to be standing over you in HIS house while you sleep? Is that worth $12,000 to you? Fuckwits as a species do not classically move to balance ledgers unless it is in their favor. You read a lot of fuckwit stories around here-the same logic that governed betraying you WHILE married…do you believe that it will protect you when you are not married to him?
There is no such thing as a free lunch or free rent. You pay in other ways. Again, Money=Time, time is relatively infinite. Your sanity is priceless. Please treat it that way.
Have a Mighty Monday!
And we all see how well that worked out with the marriage certificate.
I agree. I was still basically in poverty income-wise when my divorce was going on, working three jobs with college kids at home who were also working. It was still worth it, and we were prepared to move into someone’s basement with the dog if that was necessary to keep life going. I paid no taxes for several years and used an informal food bank to keep going.
Post-divorce, I did very, very well self-employed in an industry that was gold during the pandemic and then was fine as that dropped off.
Getting it over with was essential.
I *did* live in a (fire-trap, unheated) basement with my cat for 6 months due to some financial hanky-panky with respect to the mortgage and HELOC on the part of FW #2 (long story). It totally sucked at the time, but in retrospect was far preferable to the several months I had to share the condo with STBX during the first stages of divorce. I still shudder when I think about that. Luckily, I had a job at the time, although most of my earnings went toward just keeping myself alive and repairing the financial hole I’d been left in. I eventually scraped together enough cash to move – that was the happiest I’d been in ages.
One of my kids and me plus dog stayed in one for about five days at one point. It was dark and buggy, and I didn’t like not having any kitchen facilities. It worked though.
I later told both kids that we might have to go back there or somewhere else if paying rent became an issue. The place we rented was cheap for the neighborhood but very run down. The water seeped through the walls in places when it rained, trees fell down at times, and after having to call the landlord almost weekly for everything from the fence falling down to the icemaker freezing, we started Youtubing to fix some things ourselves.
But we went from there to a house that I bought, so all good. Nothing falling apart now.
$12,000 for “Sanity”, Alex.
LW, get your own lawyer and financial advisor.
Have them advise you on the long term financial impacts with either decision. You know your life and finances better then any of us.
I would also caution about living in a place he has legal and physical access too. Cheating requires a degree of selfishness and lack of empathy. When you add in a divorce that may have financial consequences for him, it can become very unsafe, very quickly. Women especially are far more likely to be killed or harmed as part of the breakup.
I’m not saying he would, but you have years of evidence that he isn’t a safe person and is capable of far more than you ever thought. It’s hopefully not needed, but it’s always a possibility to consider and take safety measures for no matter where you end up living. Better to take precautions and not have needed them then the opposite.
I’d feel much safer in a place rented under my name that I held the only keys to (except the landlord.) Better safe than sorry.
I recall a medical colleague who was seeing the wife of a local physician for recurrent vulvar stinging and burning. He had referred his wife to his good friend the urologist who was telling her “it is all in your head”…..while covering up the fact that the husband had infected her with genital herpes. My colleague had the unpleasant experience of having to explain this to the chumpwife. Get your own attorney sweetie, just so you can be sure your attorney is actually on your side. And maybe file an ethics complaint with the bar association about your husband’s buddy.
On a related note, I recently read a Facebook post from a nurse who works for a gynecologist who frequently has to inform patients that they’ve caught STIs from their husbands. Of course, since it’s Facebook, no telling if it’s a true story. But after several years of frequenting this site, I wasn’t surprised.
That was 100% the worst part of my professional life. I’ve actually had a threatening phone call from a man whose wife had been told by two doctors before me that she had an STI. If he’d been innocent, he’d have been asking her where she got it, rather than threatening the ER physicians, right?
OMG holy malpractice batman
I suspect the FW husband manipulated LW into using one attorney; possibly that person is “mediating” — never a good idea with someone who lies and cheats.
Yes, something about the “We can get this done quick!” Energy from the shared attorney is suspicious.
Did you have your own attorney handle the prenup, or was that overseen by your joint attorney as well? If the latter, it may not be worth the paper it’s printed on. You need your own attorney. Start making phone calls today.
I feel like I’m missing something? You don’t need a $12k roadtrip, and it sounds like your basic needs are covered, so GTFO immediately.
For perspective, I was making below the poverty line when my cheater abandoned me. I was suicidal, waiting tables, almost homeless, and $30k in debt. I might’ve sucked it up a little longer if there had been money involved, to get me back on my feet. But then again, maybe not. Every day with him was torture. I’m pretty sure I would’ve chewed my own arm off to get away from him.
$12k would’ve been life-changing money for me back then. Over a decade later, I’ve cleared all my debts and have a net worth of six figures. I only got here because I cut my losses back then.
Don’t focus on the $12k, focus on how much bigger you can build once you’ve cut the dead weight.
Is it even allowed in Louisiana for one attorney to represent both parties in a divorce? If so, that’s absolutely nuts. It puts the lawyer in a conflict on interest. The lawyer could decide s/he likes one client better and proceed to screw the other party over. A FW (or a chump, for that matter) could even start a romance with the lawyer in order to accomplish that.
So I strongly reiterate what CL says about getting your own lawyer. I cannot emphasize that enough, plus what CL said about being in a fault state. Use his cheating to get the best possible financial settlement. Gather your proof and give it to that new attorney you are going to hire, and make sure to choose one who will go balls to the wall for you. When you’ve been brutally treated it’s time to stop being nice to the offender and start playing hardball.
As for where you live, don’t be FW’s tenant. He’ll use that to his advantage, perhaps making bogus claims of property damage in order to squeeze money out of you and coming over frequently to “check on” the property. That has disaster written all over it. It also makes it look as if you feel that what FW did wasn’t so bad since you are willing to live in his house. That could possibly be used against you in court. Get angry and get what you deserve.
It could be legal in Louisiana. I’m not a lawyer, but I’ve read that Louisiana has many laws that are unique and unlike other states. I believe it’s because those laws are based on old French law.
That said, you’re right that the OP should have her own lawyer.
“It also makes it look as if you feel that what FW did wasn’t so bad since you are willing to live in his house.”
THIS. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but this is the vibe. He is undoubtedly “letting” you live in his house because he can leverage that.
OK for $12,000 in “Savings, “will you be putting out CAKE and doing hysterical sex. Sex should never be left out of this “STAYING”conversation. SO you would opt to be a kept woman? You would opt to be a married sex worker..Oh that is harsh you say? Not at all. I was a married sex worker but didn’t know if. My ex knew it but I had no idea except his excellerating intimate abuse. Once I knew I was sharing INFECTIONS with OW and getting STIs over and over again for 2 years..I put my cards down…and per abuse advice per my attorney and therapist, locked my Ex out. Packed my house got my own apartment and moved out in 4 months, leaving my house which I did not want at all…to my Ex and his lovers. I know I could not have allowed myself to be touched ever again ever ever by this gross disturbed man. To be in the same house and continue contact would have caused me a huge mental breakdown and how effectively can I divorce someone while in a mental health faculty. I vote for sanesnes!
what everyone is saying here about getting your own attorney, get angry, use the cheating against him, and get out of his place. I feel like you are also still stunned and considering that he had you monitoring him as a “this will work to keep you less worried” or whatever is proof of serious brain washing. I, too, and really all of us, have to reckon with serious mental health issues from being convinced to think that things like this were ok. You are not in your right mind, and you are not alone. It will take time, but the sooner you found this place after realizing he was not who he said he was, the better. I unfortunately found this place much later in the game. You married a monster. You will have to get rid of Switzerland friends, etc.. and hone in on self care and deal with serious shock as more will get revealed about his character as you proceed. This man is your enemy and do not take anything lightly. He is someone you need to be very far away from in every way possible, and I add possible because I know some people can’t manage a relocation of any kind. I am so sorry this is happening to you, so happy you are here, and for me processing the shame of having been so manipulated and so wrong about who I was married to has been a thing that kept me from healing and taking care of myself. You are a victim of terrible person and like most of us, we don’t want to think of ourselves as victims. Please take all the legal and logistical advice here and let us know how it goes.
So sorry for the long term deceit… playing marriage police with trackers etc is a complete mindf*ck. Good on you for pulling the plug.
I find myself a little bit stuck on the $20k party. I just can’t imagine that much spent on A Party. I agree with the others, in terms of headspace v $$. If you do opt to save $12k, maybe don’t spend that much on a party? That’s like a six month average salary where I’m from. Maybe scale down the fun, put some into a rainy day savings, and donate 10% to a charity like a food bank / women’s refuge to help others who have found an extra raw deal from being chumped? Donating is good for the soul, boosts our mood and well being, and benefits the recipients physically, mentally, and emotionally, knowing that people care. X
Sorry, that’s $12k Party..