Took Him Back and He Cheated Again
She took him back and he cheated again. He seemed so sorry before. They did therapy. He says it was just a one-night stand.
***
Dear Chump Lady,
I find myself with nowhere else to turn as my life falls apart (again).
My partner cheated again.
I’m embarrassed to say that I am legitimately shocked. He seemed so remorseful, so full of shame and regret. Sobbing all the time about how much he loves me, how ashamed he is, how he would never do it again because cheating on me hurts him and he would never put us through that again.
We’ve been in couples therapy and I thought it was going well. Our therapist is constantly saying that I need to let it go, that I need the past to be in the past and move on because he’s clearly so full of regret, we can rebuild from there.
The first D-Day was in October, it was a slow trickle truth of bullshit that started with ït’s only been going on a few weeks, it meant nothing, just sex, I’ll stop” to, “Ok, maybe it started in February…” To me talking to the affair partner and realizing it’s spanned our entire relationship with various levels of frequency. I forgave him, I shouldn’t have, but I struggle with codependency, I’m in love with him, he seemed really sorry.
The second D-Day was in February. It was a one night stand and part of me (the pathetic part) almost didn’t even bring it up to him. A small part of me thought, it was just one time, it clearly meant nothing, we’ve been happy, it’s not as bad as what he did before, so maybe this is fine, maybe I can make it fine.
It’s the same thing all over again.
He’s sobbing, crying, throwing up. Begging me not to leave him and saying that he’ll change, he won’t lie anymore as long as I can make it a safe space for him, as long as I promise not to leave him or get mad. When he cries, I feel bad, how can I leave someone who’s so clearly distraught?
I know I need to leave, but the hope that we could maybe work it out is really killing me.
Serially Chumped
***
Dear Serially Chumped,
You need to leave two mindfuckers — your partner and your therapist. Let’s start with your Reconciliation Industrial Complex quack.
Our therapist is constantly saying that I need to let it go, that I need the past to be in the past and move on because he’s clearly so full of regret, we can rebuild from there.
He cheated on you THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP.
What foundation exactly was your therapist imagining? His practiced deceit? He seems “sorry”? Well, he seemed committed too.
I cannot with these people.
In fairness, you were there to reconcile, which is consenting to the cognitive dissonance of “letting go” of betrayal. But I’d like to think a qualified mental health professional would go with more than, gosh darn, he sounds sorry. Your experience just underscores the inherent victim-blaming of the RIC. It’s your job to Get Over It and he’ll do the big lift of acting remorseful. With qualifiers.
No talk of trauma or abuse? Personality disorders? Recompense? Transparency? Narcissistic Fuckwit Disease (or sex addiction, same diff)?
Please fire this person. After telling her exactly how that couple’s therapy for HIS wandering dick worked out for you.
Now to your FW.
He is not sorry.
He seemed so remorseful, so full of shame and regret. Sobbing all the time about how much he loves me, how ashamed he is, how he would never do it again because cheating on me hurts him and he would never put us through that again.
I believe you. If I hadn’t lived this myself, I never would’ve believed it. And like you, the operatic sobbing and faux regrets kept me stuck. Surely someone with such depth of feeling couldn’t fake this? He must care! Look how he’s torn himself to shreds over the pain he’s caused me!
No. Be very clear what he’s doing. He’s centering himself. Now it’s all about his feelings and grief. Fuck yours very much. Could you find him a Kleenex or a soothing compress? This is very difficult for him. No, harder really.
Think about what sorry should look like.
If he were truly focused on your pain, he’d ACT like it. Beginning with not fucking around on you. If it hurt him to hurt you, he’d be offering you that Kleenex. He would be serving YOU, not expecting you to stop asking questions and attend to his drama.
His crocodile tears are throwing you off the trail of his misdeeds. And that’s deliberate.
The first D-Day was in October 2025, it was a slow trickle truth of bullshit that started with ït’s only been going on a few weeks, it meant nothing, just sex, I’ll stop” to, “Ok, maybe it started in February…”
Trickle truth is an Orwellian concept of the RIC. It’s just lies of omission and diversion tactics. He’s not telling you the truth because he’s still on a power trip.
To me talking to the affair partner and realizing it’s spanned our entire relationship with various levels of frequency.
Stop with the spackle and the qualifiers. He cheated on you throughout your entire relationship. Which is another way of saying:
YOU NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP.
You had an abusive fucktangle with a liar. The partner you invested in is a figment of your imagination. He’s quite happy to continue this con at your expense. Sorry to be a cold bucket of water, but radical acceptance is called for. YOU NEVER HAD A RELATIONSHIP. He is a fraud.
I forgave him, I shouldn’t have, but I struggle with codependency, I’m in love with him, he seemed really sorry.
Stop framing this as a you problem and start seeing this as a him problem. He’s a fraud. You forgave a fraud, invested in a fraud, have feelings about a fraud. Sure, you can work on your codependency issues in therapy if you want, but that doesn’t make him less of a fraud. You keep investing in him because you refuse to believe he’s a fraud. All the evidence — HE CHEATED THROUGHOUT YOUR ENTIRE RELATIONSHIP — shows he’s a fraud. Believe the evidence.
You decide what you will tolerate.
The second D Day was in February 2025. It was a one night stand and part of me (the pathetic part) almost didn’t even bring it up to him. A small part of me thought, it was just one time, it clearly meant nothing, we’ve been happy, it’s not as bad as what he did before, so maybe this is fine, maybe I can make it fine.
Examine your values. Do you want a partner, any partner? Will you put up with abuse to live a lie? Being loved is a very seductive lie. We all want to be loved. But this man is wholly incapable of it.
It’s NOT YOUR JOB to “make it fine”.
He made this mess deliberately. With agency. He cheated because he likes you broken. Because he’s sick and enjoys hurting you. It makes him feel powerful. That’s either acceptable to you or it isn’t.
It’s the same thing all over again. He’s sobbing, crying, throwing up.
You’re not the puke bucket brigade. He can take his snotty, hyperventilating self somewhere else. Ask him to leave and watch how quickly that self-pity flips to rage.
Begging me not to leave him and saying that he’ll change, he won’t lie anymore as long as I can make it a safe space for him
I’d like to make a safe space for him at the bottom of a lake.
This is so out of the abuser handbook. He weaponized therapy-speak to mindfuck you. Nothing you do has any bearing on his deceitfulness. He’s an adult. If he doesn’t posses the courage to have an honest conversation, he doesn’t belong in a relationship.
Duh, Tracy. We kenned that at the serial cheating.
as long as I promise not to leave him or get mad.
Poor Timid Forest Creature. Nice how his honesty comes with qualifiers. I really feel the sorry.
He’s not sorry.
When he cries, I feel bad, how can I leave someone who’s so clearly distraught?
Imagine him fucking his affair partner. Funny how this remorse only shows up when he’s busted.
You can leave him because his SELF-INFLICTED misery is his problem. It doesn’t outweigh your value. He is not more important than you. He keeps inflicting pain on you, and yet keeps wanting you to focus on HIS “pain”! Who is the Pain Master, here? He is. Don’t buy his DARVO victim act.
Put down the hopium.
I know I need to leave, but the hope that we could maybe work it out is really killing me.
No, he is killing you.
Go direct your hope elsewhere. Make better investments with your emotions. You’re worth more than a serial-cheating fuckwit.
I could have written this letter. I got the same type of BS from my ex husband. So very sorry, so ashamed, so many empty promises. I believe they are sad, that they got caught. I believe they are worried that you will force consequences on them. The fact that he cheated on you while you are in counseling shows the actual level of commitment, which is none. I went through 4 d-days before I finally left. They all followed the same pattern you listed. It is similar to a physical abuser that hits you and then sends you flowers. They will not change, you have to change and leave him. You can do it, it is hard, but oh so much better.,
Yep, it’s the same old song and dance with cheaters. It’s like there is some sort of “cheating for dummies” or some other “how to” book that they all follow, or something. But no, not sorry to cheat, lie, abuse, gaslight, etc., just sorry to get caught.
Serially Chumped, I am sorry you have to go through this. By now you know that the tears and grief are over being caught rather than remorse. I know the RIC wants you to let itgo. I tried the RIC as well for just under two months but I guess there was something wrong with me because I could not get past the whole cheating is wrong thing.
The longer you remain in the RIC and stay with the cheater, the more DDays you will experience. You don’t need that crap. If he has remorse or is sorry than he takes action. If he doesn’t take action then you know he is a serial cheating FW. I know all the tears will tug at your heart but that is what you need to get past.
Just remember a good partner does not cheat. Sure, he may irritate you and he may leave his dirty underwear beside the hamper rather than in it but cheat? Nope that won’t happen. You have a bad partner who wants to be painted as a good partner so you will continue to act as his appliance. Remove yourself from the triangle and find your way to a more peaceful life.
I am glad that I was never put through something like this. Once she was busted for cheating, Ex-Mrs LFTT was adamant that she was leaving the kids and I to be with her AP. This was her last shot at happiness apparently which – and here’s something I didn’t know – made it all OK and above board ….. well in her mind it did!
The idea of reconciliation was not discussed, although she did try to hit me with the “Open relationship after the fact” gambit, which I shot down. Overall, I’m very glad that I missed out on the whole “attempted reconciliation” thing, as I have no doubt that Ex-Mrs LFTT would have taken every opportunity to expose me to even more f*ckery.
Hopefully “Serially Chumped” will come to realise how toxic her FW is for and that she deserves so much more than he has to offer her.
LFTT
Like LFTT, I now realize I dodged a bullet in a way, by the FW XW exit-affairing me. I wasn’t given a chance to reconcile. At the time, I thought it was an awful thing.
With time, I realized it was an unforeseen blessing. No roller coaster of emotions that would come with reconciliation. Just a steady level of rejection and treachery/hurt from the original action of cheating on me, which calmed down over the years (but still lies smoldering).
That is not what Serially Chumped got. I’m so sorry she’s dealing with that fucktard, would-be husband of hers and his revolving door of “reconciliation.” As Inego Montoya (not sure that’s the correct spelling) of The Princess Bride might say to her cheater, “I do not think that word means what you think it means.” Or something close to that.
Get away from your scumbag husband, Serially Chumped. There is no hope with him in the picture. But there’s a beautiful scene that could develop for you without him. Best wishes to you. It’s not easy getting away from them and going grey rock/no contact, but it is SO worth it.
“Like LFTT, I now realize I dodged a bullet in a way, by the FW XW exit-affairing me. I wasn’t given a chance to reconcile. At the time, I thought it was an awful thing.”
I came to say something similar. I generally feel like when D-Day comes it just sucks regardless. But there are a few different ways it can go, and they both have their crappy aspects. The Chumps that get blindsided and left like LFTT have to deal with that specific brand of helplessness. The ones that get begged for RIC? If they go for RIC, they end up like this letter writer, or if they refuse RIC which is the smarter option, they may feel conflicted, like they are the one’s bringing on their own unhappiness, as if by refusing RIC they are siungle-handedly upending their life, when in reality the FW did that when they cheated.
I was treated to a bit of both sides.
I was unaware of his long distance affair until one day he announced it and said he wanted to be with her.
But there was a global pandemic, and she lived across the country. So there was this weird place of limbo. (I definitely contributed to that limbo, I was frozen). This lead to one helluva long pick me dance. And ultimately they didn’t work out and then he was giving the hard press for RIC.
If on D-Day he had said, “I’ve packed my bags, I have found my soul mate and am leaving tonight to move across the country”? Well that would have been hard. And the helplessness I’d feel would have been nearly unbearable at the time, but I’d probably have been granted a fast and less painful divorce.
Instead, things dragged out for nearly 5 years. And he didn’t even end up with the AP. I had to insist that I was not intrerested in RIC so many times, and it always felt so unfair because I definitely was put in a position where I had to be the one that felt like I was ending things, not him. I will say that during that time there were more lies and abuse that came to light, so in some ways that helped to fully grasp that he sucks and ending things was for the best.
Rambling now… but my point is, D-Days happen in different ways, they all suck, but sometimes for different reasons.
I agree, SOOI. They all happen in different ways, they all suck, and many times for different reasons. The end result is always the chump and the families suffering.
Learning how to deal with that suffering is key. No contact, or at least grey rock. Hard grey rock, in my case.
Best wishes to you, SOOI!😊
That must be in the Cheater’s Handbook (First Edition). I was also offered the concept of the “open marriage” after D-Day 2. I told them that I already had that but he just never informed me and I had no interest in that concept.
CFaNM,
I think that the “Open Marriage After the Fact” gambit is a “Busted Cheater 101” move.
Ex-Mrs LFTT refused to admit to Cheating, and then bridged into a rant about how she would have suggested an open marriage but that she knew that I was “too emotionally immature to make something like that work” …. almost as if she wanted me to contradict her and let her have what she wanted. As you say, I already was in an open marriage, I just didn’t know that I was!
And my emotional maturity is (and always was) absolutely fine.
LFTT
“then bridged into a rant about how she would have suggested an open marriage but that she knew that I was “too emotionally immature to make something like that work” …. almost as if she wanted me to contradict her and let her have what she wanted”
There is zero doubt in my mind that she was angling for that. I’ve mentioned this before but mine did something similar. He said he wished we could have an open marriage but he wouldn’t be ok with me dating. Please understand, this was post D-Day, so his affair was fully unveiled when he said this. I firmly beliee he was hoping I would say “Oh! That’s ok, let’s have an open marriage where only YOU see other people. Well ONE specific person actually, the one that is your soul mate”
In hindsight I think of that and am wonder “Sir, what made you think you were THAT special? What did you DO that was so great that you thought that I would just be fine with putting myself in such an inequitable space jsut to keep YOU around?”
Sort of Over It,
I am absolutely certain that – had I agreed – Ex-Mrs LFTT would have viewed this as being a “one-sided” arrangement where the marriage was “open” for her but not for me. All pretty much academic, as I was done with her BS by then and gave her a very clear “No” on that one.
LFTT
Serial Chumped – Your letter says so much about him and so little about you. You’ve omitted any details about your age or work or support system. He’s not interested in/capable of an exclusive relationship with you. Decide if that’s acceptable.
You need to determine your future and put your energy and resources there. Get a therapist just for yourself, find a support group which helps with leaving an abusive relationship, extract yourself from shared legal/financial entanglements. Go no contact to reduce your pain and speed your healing.
I’m 33 and he’s 39. Financially we’re both more than ok independently. I have a decent support system but this has been such a shameful and embarrassing experience I’be been isolating myself so I don’t have to talk about it to anyone. Which I guess, benefits him the most.
SC,
As someone who has been there, I encourage you to tell someone you trust asap. I hid my situation from everyone, including my closest friends for a solid year. It was the darkest time of my life. I have really great friends and they are so supportive, and I was denying myself that support out of embarrassment and fear. (I am afraid of my FW and I knew he’d be mad if I told anyone, so I just lied and said I hadn’t)
That support matters so much. If you really can’t bear to tell a friend, get your own therapist that you are comfortable with. I think it will be very helpful.
It goes without saying that you have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I had those same feelings for a long time. I understand that the feelings don’t have to be logical, they can just BE there.
Experiences like this can end up reordering your friendships and social set in the case any of your contacts are latent victim blamers. The same thing happens to victim-survivors of all grades of domestic abuse and, even if the social weeding out and rebuilding process often leaves survivors with much more solid support network filled with better ride-or-die integrity types, the risk of having people turn on you is a lot to face in the immediate wake of severe emotional abuse and betrayal. I kind of liken it to almost escaping the haunted house when a ghoulish zombie hand reaches up through the porch floorboards and grabs your ankle. You’re already so shaken and horrified that more horror feels like it will stop your heart.
In fact, the victim-blaming response of many bystanders and so-called helping professionals is sometimes called the “second injury” of domestic abuse and can grind the trauma in even deeper and make it harder to recover. This is why most abuse survivors socially withdraw and become cautious about who they open up to. This defensive instinct can confusingly read as “shame.”
Unlike guilt which is an internal response to feeling as if one has done something genuinely wrong, it’s interesting that “shame” is said to be more of a social instinct than an emotion –simply a lizard brain signal that there may be danger of being misunderstood and socially punished. The aversion of abuse survivors to being unfairly punished in understandable but also a catch 22 because, as you say, the resulting isolation benefits the abuser. In other words, the fact that victim-blaming is more common than it should be and recent survivors naturally wish to protect themselves from more injurious shaming is something abusers count on to keep their prey isolated and under control. It enables abusers to continue committing what is called “perspecticide”– destroying the victim’s normal world view and normal view of themselves and replacing these things with the abuser’s own nihilistic, hopeless and twisted view of the world and distorted view of the victim.
The fastest way to break this mental trap and stop being infected with an abuser’s sick perspective and bent view of you is to fully reject the notion that what you endured was not “real abuse” or that you were in any way responsible for it. Believe me, there are idiots out there who claim that it can only be domestic abuse if there are broken bones and black eyes but that view is debunked caveman crap from the bad old blamey days of “victimology.” If you can consciously reprogram your brain to understand that emotional abuse is still serious abuse with serious consequences and serious risks, the false lizard brain “shame” will be “returned to sender”– placed back on the perpetrator where it belongs as Giselle Pelicot famously put it. What will help is that, as you learn about these issues, you’ll start to realize that legions of defiant fellow survivors, veteran forensic experts, entire social science departments not to mention normal, nonabusive people stand with you and won’t minimize or whitewash what’s been done to you, call you “crazy” for being traumatized nor chastise you for “making too big a deal of it.”
A good place to start gathering that consensus and rebuilding your perspective might be looking through the archives of renowned British coercive control expert Dr. Emma Katz (https://dremmakatz.substack.com/p/abusive-men-and-sex-coercive-control and https://dremmakatz.substack.com/p/shes-not-innocent-either-actually?publication_id=1199193&post_id=153673865&isFreemail=true&r=381mk5&triedRedirect=true) and especially listen to CL’s interview with her on Tell Me How You’re Mighty in which Dr. Katz explains the relevance of cheating in domestic abuse. https://www.tellmehowyouremighty.com/73-coercive-controllers-an-interview-with-dr-emma-katz/
Katz often cites the work of the late/great spearhead of the coercive control legislative movement Dr. Evan Stark which is also a fund of information and further resources. From there consider gathering some experienced allies behind you to modify the risk of encountering negative reactions among bystanders around you by checking if there are any accessible support groups themed on coercive control either locally or online.
Last but not least, please dump that couple’s therapist. What they are doing by minimizing abuse is unconscionable and unprofessional and will definitely cause you a “second injury.” When seeking professional support, make sure the individual is well versed on PTSD and coercive control and doesn’t whitewash cheating as “not real abuse” which, again, is an absolute and utter crock.
Finding this forum was a good start and I hope you stick around to shore up your posse of allies.
It’s not our shame to bear, SeriallyChumped. I too put on a brave face, until one day I realized *I* had done nothing wrong. Instead, I turned my shame into congratulating myself for having stayed long enough to give the marriage my maximum effort. At least I knew I had done everything I could, so any shame was on him for being a lying, cheating loser.
Serially, there is NOTHING for YOU to be ashamed about. You were conned. You were lied to by a lying liar who lies. HE is the one who should be ashamed. And no matter how snotty he gets when he cries and how heart-broken he appears, the fact is that he wasn’t ashamed until he got caught. And when you start telling people, he will flip over to rage. Because that’s what these “people” do.
I initially felt ashamed and embarrassed too, SC, but once I started opening up to people, I discovered that some of the most amazing people I knew were also chumps. We are mighty bunch. The shame and embarrassment should be fuckwit’s to bear. He lied, deceived, and abused you. All you did was love and trust him.
I’m a little over 3 months past DDay now. I went no contact almost immediately. But, I spent about 6 weeks having to interact with the Limp Dick Piece of Shit to untangle 30 years if shared finances. Luckily, I never married him, which made it easier, but left me with few legal rights. LDPOS has the emotional maturity of an 11 year old and the boundless entitlement of petty dictator who inherits his position from daddy. Needless to said say, he was too disordered to be able to harm me financially. And he was busy sending death threats to his howorker’s spouse. But I digress…
Because we were primarily communicating via text, I noticed some interesting language patterns. LDPOS also expressed “regret” and claimed he felt “ashamed” (but not ashamed of those death threats!). Regret always rubbed me wrong. You regret not taking that trip to the Bahamas or not calling your great aunt for her birthday, you don’t “regret” fucking over the person you supposedly love and made a commitment to. If you truly feel remorse, not just a vague regret, then you are sorry for what you did. Being sorry involves taking responsibility for your actions, coming fully clean, AND understanding and acknowledging the harm you caused. But fuckwits are fundamentally incapable of that. Stay mighty, SC.
Three things jumped out at me, SC.
1. “cheating on me hurts *him*. Not you, *him*.
2. “make it a safe space for *him*. Not you, *him*.
3. “as long as I promise not to leave him or get *mad*”
1 and 2, it’s classic – everything revolves around him, you’re merely on the periphery. He’s interested in his feelings, what he wants, not yours. The situation he created. This is not remorse.
3 is classic too, his behaviour kicked into the long grass, because he doesn’t want to a) lose his wife appliance, and b) your entirely normal emotions upset *him*. It’s a combination of “it’s not what I did, but your reaction to it”, and it’s classic emotional blackmail too.
Please don’t fall for his histrionics, he doesn’t want to lose you because you’re useful, not because he loves you.
You’re still young, you have a lot of life to live yet, please don’t waste it on a self absorbed liar. As CL says, you don’t need it that bad. In fact, no-one needs *anything* that bad, if it entails putting up with lies and deceit and losing one’s self-respect. Hugs sweetheart.
He’s a truly major manipulator.
And if LW knows she’s codependent, she can’t afford do live with a man like this if she wants to get past that.
This is really good analysis! Unfortunately all too familiar for us. My ex did numbers 2-3, trying to get me to think it was all on me.
It can be hard to accept at the beginning, but you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Read the book. Check all the other stories on here and the FB group.
You are going through enough right now, don’t allow shame or embarrassment for someone else’s fucked up actions be your cross to bear.
SC,
You have nothing to be embarrassed about and no shame attaches to you from this. Finding out that you are a Chump is hard, and all of us have made mistakes at one point or another in our respective journeys.
LFTT
Thank you so much for replying, I really needed to hear this.
Years ago, my aunt passed away and her son sat at the funeral and cried.
My other aunt, her sister, looked at me and said, “Crocodile tears.” I was 12 and I never forgot that. Some people cry for image management. Some people cry to manipulate.
The person who has been betrayed throughout your relationship is the one with the right to cry. You must be heartbroken–and here he is hijacking your pain, that he cause. He is a very bad man.
Yes, they do it because they can. Maybe because I’m older, I’ve gotten just so cynical about these things.Just because someone is sorry doesn’t mean they’ve done the hard work not to do it again and make it right with their partner. And the partner has every right to cut them loose. That applies to both infidelity and addiction, which have certain common elements and, of course, other dissimilar elements.
I’ve been thinking about this because a childhood friend of my kids, now in his late 20s with a wife and baby, recently confessed to being an alcoholic, a private blackout drinker. And his family is saying, “All better.” He says, “All better.” He’s been sober all of one week. I said my piece and backed off, being the former wife of an addict. Both of my kids freaked out, having seen Dad quit and go back so many times.
Being sorry is not enough.
He’s sorry he was caught. But how delicious to continue to dupe Serially Chumped with his faux remorse.
I think there are different types of addicts. Hopefully that family friend is one of the less complicated types who aren’t using to snuff bad conscience over the heinous things they do to others and to pave the way for more heinous acts but because of unaddressed trauma, pain or victimization. A lot of abuse survivors seem to fall down that dark well for periods but somehow never turn into abusers and the process of getting clean seems a bit simpler if just because steps 8 and 9 involve very short lists of people they’ve harmed and need to make amends to and don’t involve grievous harm.
As people in DV channels always say, abusers don’t abuse because they drink/use but drink/use so they can abuse. It’s an entirely different kind of addiction because substance use is not just about escaping emotional pain but facilitates causing harm to maintain power. The same is true for terrorists. Norwegian mass killer Anders Breivek bragged in his journal about using a drug and steroid cocktail in order to maximize his own aggression (the same as minimizing residual empathy or squeamishness).
Yes, it’s hard for me to say what all is going on there, but it’s heavy stuff.
My ex was difficult from the beginning (mildish BPD), but the pills made everything worse. I realize that pills and alcohol are different, but some of the effects on those around them are the same. Trauma made things awful too. That doesn’t justify any of it, but I realized at some point that he was never going to improve. I had to let go.
Undoubtedly, he has spun quite a yarn about why we aren’t together.
Prescription pills can be different from alcohol in that they’re higher tech brain meddling and also come with built in sad sausage excuses.
As part of training to advocate for survivors, we learned a bit about the role of classic alcohol and street drug addiction in abuse. But I think something new and frightening was brought into the equation when abusers caught in the justice system started being prescribed (by poorly trained and disastrously incompetent psychiatrists and doctors who were brainwashed to provide medical and psychological alibis for abuse) the newer SSRIs and antipsychotics as if there was some magic bullet cure for being abusers. I think there was also a fair amount of pain pill prescribing on the idea that physical pain could make people become abusive.
Frankly I think the latter classes of drugs– due to being created in labs and studied for their ability to suppress dysphoric emotions– are much more effective in snuffing empathy aside from also coming with these ready-made sad sausage alibis to commit abuse (“My serotonin is out of wack so I can’t help what I do!”).
The deadly mistake is thinking that abuse is a “medical issue” caused by some brain chemical imbalance instead of a fatal and criminal disorder in thinking which has no magic bullet cure. It’s the same medical mythology that misled Carrie Nation– who lobbied for Prohibition as a remedy for domestic murder– to assume that alcohol was causing the epidemic of domestic violence in the last century.
Exactly! Being sorry doesn’t mean someone has the skills to behave differently and do better. I wish I had learned this earlier, but at least I’ve been applying it when I’ve occasionally dated post-divorce.
It would be certainly better for THEM if we believed “all better,” but life doesn’t necessarily work that way. And forgetting to buy their favorite ice cream at the store when we said we would is VERY different than cheating or getting blackout drunk.
The former is a minor slip and can be remedied by going back to the store.
The later requires way more mindfuckery to get there and isn’t as easily made right.
Sorry you are here Serially Chumped. I never got the faux apologies and remorse you suffered through. I now accept that my FW checked out long ago. I believe, but can’t prove, and she isn’t going to admit to anything that I don’t have concrete evidence for, that she tried and was willing to cheat for awhile, but it never worked out until her used car salesman AP sold her a bill of goods, that she was more than happy to buy. Just like a too good to be true deal on an old beater, it blew up on her, but that’s her issue. Absolutely no remorse. It was actually, “all my fault”, “I drove her to do it”, “a lapse in judgement”. Me being a narcissist you know, I made her do things that were out of character. But, I was the one dancing and smoking hopium for too long. She was happy to string me along, but never ever accepted any responsibility. To her, adultery is equivalent to forgetting the milk out. After we divorced, we were still hanging out, her dangling revisiting out relationship, when D-Day 2 hit. That finally opened my eyes. They do not change.
Stay strong. As little contact as possible. Always remember they weren’t sorry, just sorry they got caught or their exit plan didn’t work.
The AP was actually a USED CAR SALESMAN? 😀
Though there’s nothing enviable about what any of us went through, I do kind of envy your one-liner punchline. Anyone asks and you can just roll your eyes and say “Yeah, used car salesman…”
I love how disordered people all illicitly “diagnose” their own victims. Just thank your lucky stars you weren’t married to a disordered mental health professional. From all the harrowing chump tales, those types are blameshifting/projecting/psychobabbling freaks on crack.
Yes, absolutely true. At first I was like, “Fucking really. Of all the cliches I had to suffer this one.” I know it was just an exit affair. Could have been the milkman, whoever. But, it was Twu Luv, you know. Unfortunately for her, she found the warranty was about as worthless as you’d expect. For me, it took me a while, but I finally implemented the No Returns or Refunds section.
Wow, we can’t make these things up. Sounds like a parody version of Rickie Lee Jones’ Last Chance Texaco.
I think the “October 2025” is a typo, no?
yes I meant October 2024
Still, that was only a few months ago. That remorse wore off quickly, didn’t it?
Remember, to cheat he has to be in contact with an affair partner, set up a time and place, get there, get naked, do whatever they do, and come back to you lying about where he was and what he was doing. So it’s not just “cheating,” it’s planning to deceive you, betraying your and the marriage, and then coming home to pretend he’s Mr. Remorseful.
This is the worst part. (Well, all of it is bad.) YOU have to stifle yourself so that HE won’t lie!? As if you’re making him lie!? I think he’s done a lot more cheating than you know. A lot more.
Yes!!!
“as long as I promise not to leave him or get mad”
There are a zillion red flags with this cheater and the chump has nothing to work with but this stuck out. The idea that he (after lying and cheating) would dare to put this sort of boundary on her behavior and dare to tell you that you are not even allowed to get mad.
That is absurd and the timid forest creature metaphor works well. I fell for this a few times and I hate that particular memory…I wish I had been stronger.
Additionally, when I had learned of his cheating, it hurt so badly, I remember having a moment of clarity where I told myself “I have shown him how much this hurts me…if he can see this and do this to me again, then he and I have COMPLETELY different definitions of what a marriage even is”.
Bad news for me, my moment of clarity and resolve did not help me as it seems that his additional cheating was BEFORE and I didnt learn about it for years. DAMMIT
Before i found out, I was suspicious, of course. I thought if I can explain it to him in just the right way he’ll stop. Or if I ask the right questions so he knows that I know, he’ll tell me the truth, or stop. I remember sitting him down and saying “is something going on that I need to know about, I have the right to make decisions about my life that are based in reality and I need to know what’s happening.”
Once I found out, I thought ok he’s seen how much this has hurt me. He’s seen how much damage this has caused. He surely won’t do it again, he didn’t know before but he does now. I even tried to let go of the desire to know everything and thought ok, whatever happened, happened. I don’t need the details because it’s over now.
Wrong.
It’s so disappointing to be so wrong.
You are making a typical Chump mistake, You think he’s like you or me or Magnolia or Chump Lady. If only he knew how hurt you were and are, he would never to it again.
But Serially, he knew before he did it that you would be hurt. No one cheats without knowing they’re hurting their faithful spouse or partner. Good grief, even middle schoolers know not to “cheat” on their little boyfriends or girlfriends.
Your husband is missing some key human components: a conscience and a capacity to bond with a spouse. He is a con artist, not a remorseful spouse. He likes the double life. He LIKES deceiving you and then manipulating you so he can stay in control. It’s not the tears to pay attention to–it how he manipulates you into tolerating what he’s doing. He’s grooming you to be a victim of his abuse.
You write this so well, SeriallyChumped.
You’ve made me realize how, in similar situations, I’ve taken it on myself, being like, am I being too stressed, critical, reactive about them, about life, and they don’t feel they can share their full selves with me? Do I scare them into retreat with my exorbitant expectations of honesty and reliability? They surely know that my “demands” are for the good of the relationship, right? If I just gently explain that my standards are in fact good for both of us, he’ll get it eventually and calm down, right?
He would never hurt me, he’s just running from me! He’s scared! Whatever he’s doing to run away from me will stop if I just make myself a safer place for him to run to when he needs it?
He may indeed be scared of life, but as I’m learning, when people like this are with us, duping us, love-bombing or even fucking us, they feel powerful, not that they’re coming to us to let down their guard and be mutually vulnerable and human together. And when they run from us, they go to a new powerful-feeling scenario (kibbles). We can’t “safe space” someone who is not actually coming to us for that kind of safety. Anyone who feels safety in seducing and splaining to a devotee, to the point of telling them the lies I’m sure they think are the little lies you want to hear, will not experience your hurt as the shaking of a foundation of trust. They’ll just experience it as the blowback from not keeping their love performance up to par – you’re so judgy! People can’t be expected to keep a love performance going 24/7!
Im going to share a really sad moment with you guys…
You know that my Cheater died, but dont generally give too many details …
Well, he was sick for just a day at home …we both thought it was flu. It turned out to be the start of sepsis (from a latent case of strep throat he had before), so it was very fast. I found him dead on the floor…it took me a few seconds to realize he was dead then I started shrieking as one would when finding the one they love dead.
One of the first cogent thoughts that went through my mind was “I wonder if I gave him the message that he wasn’t good enough” in that last moment of thinking us both as living beings, I wondered if I was the problem – making him feel inadequate.
Good God, I gave him every single option to be a decent person…a new chance a thousand times over.
Isnt that just like a Chump? In the worst possible moment, I still tried to take responsibility for things that weren’t my responsibility …to find a way to explain why his meanness wasn’t the issue. Im glad I didnt fall into the “it was my fault” thinking for long.
I didn’t realize you were the one who found him. That’s incredibly traumatic and I think your reaction is totally understandable due to the shock. It just shows that you’re a responsible, normal person if your reflexive response under duress was to momentarily review your own conduct.
For some perspective, I would freak out and change the channel whenever cable news showed the moments before Saddam Hussein’s execution because his fear was unbearable to witness. In that moment, he was just a terrified old man and my knee-jerk reaction was “sympathy.” But it wasn’t because I thought he was some great human being. I never bought the official excuses to invade Iraq but there’s no question Hussein was a monster who committed atrocities and assassinations right and left.
Knee-jerk sympathy is hardly an offer of redemption since, by the same token, I wouldn’t be able to watch a shark being tortured and I don’t think sadists should be hired to guard multiple murderers. I don’t even support the death penalty because, for one, it requires the state to hire people to perform it and, if they’re not sociopaths to begin with (in which case the state should never sponsor and employ them) and if they’re anything like us, they’ll be scarred for life.
You humanized him as a reflection of your own humanity, not necessarily his. I’m just glad that, when the smoke cleared, you knew that his behavior wasn’t your responsibility.
oh, this is so familiar. I remember thinking “if i can just make him realize how much he’s hurting me and our family, he’ll stop.” That breaks my heart for you. I know how that feels. I’m so sorry hon. These are good traits you have though, you care. You want to communicate, you want to put in effort and fix things and build stronger relationships. You love people and you bond. These are wonderful, beautiful traits that speak highly of your character. They were just exploited by a jerk in this case. That’s not your fault. I know I felt really stupid and was down on myself for quite awhile after my divorce. If you feel like that, please remind yourself that it’s not your fault, you did not deserve this, and there’s nothing wrong with you for caring. He’s the defective one. They go after people who are good partners on purpose. Please be kind to yourself. There is a much better life out there without these parasites. It just takes some time to heal and get there.
“I’d like to make a safe space for him at the bottom of a lake.” 😝
That was about my reaction too!
His Oscar performance is for himself. They want what they want with ZERO consequences. He is playing you.
And that RIC therapist is completely incompetent, make it a twofer and lose that one too.
I can relate to the agony you are going through and your willingness to accept the tiniest bread crumbs of hope that none of it is real, so not to have to lose someone you dearly love, it’s complete torture!! ( as you’ll discover story after story on this site, they have the identical play book of abuse, and that is what this is fully, ABUSE!)
The problem is, this man is not capable of the kind of love you are capable of. They don’t connect on the same level a healthy person does, it’s all superficial and fake. Although they can mimic intimacy and love like a pro. They just can’t actualize it in real life.
Sorry you got hurt so bad, not a club we’re trying to drum up members for.
But “ trust that he sucks” is essential and go full no contact with this very toxic man.
Let him take his crocodile tears to some other river. You don’t want them.
If you decide to stay with him, 30 years from now, after you’ve suffered decades of pain and your self esteem is trashed, you will question what the hell were you thinking?!?
You won’t have a clue on earth who you are, you’ll regret not leaving on first discovery of his complete mind fuckery.
It’s just too foggy to see it completely now, you will get it when you get it better when you escape the hold he has on your emotions.
So do the right thing for you and leave him , he’s no good and never will be.
It sucks, but it is the truth.
Your life will greatly improve when you take it back from a guy who doesn’t have your back and isn’t capable of loving another.
Dear Serially Chumped,
So sorry you have joined the club. The good news is that you can benefit from our experiences. Sadly, my experience was acquired by remaining with my cheating FW decades after the first, and many subsequent, DDays. I actually don’t know how many DDays I had – there were so many over the course of our 15 year marriage.
In any case, a year and a half after we were married, I had my first DDay. He is literally sobbing with crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks. He is crumpled on the floor in the fetal position. He is grabbing at my ankles begging me not to leave him. Begging me not to “give up on us”. He is professing his undying love to me and committing to do whatever it takes to “change”.
Second DDay – 6 months or so later he is doing the crocodile tears routine again, but now threatening to throw himself over the balcony of our 19th floor apartment. Apparently, my reluctance to forgive and forget what I had just discovered was robbing him of the will to live. He could not imagine living his life without me in it.
Oh how seductive is the need to be loved.
Fast forward to my last DDay on April 13th, 2020. I ask him what his plan is now to make things right. I tell him that we have literally tried everything and nothing has worked. His response was to give me the shark eye look and say: “I already told you I am sorry. What else do you want from me?” No tears. No emotion. No plan. I don’t think he even said sorry. Now that I think about it, he was gaslighting me on that as well.
I guarantee you that there is no upside to staying with a lying, cheating Fuckwit. These FWs do not get better with time. The veneer of remorse cannot be sustained. The tears don’t mean what you think they mean. Their words are only spoken to manipulate you. Leave and don’t look back.
Long time reader, first time poster as this post encouraged me to comment. This was me as well – we had about 4 d-days over 18 months and after each one the apologies and tears would flow – each time I felt sorry for him because of i told myself “of course he cares, of course he is devastated he might lose his family- how could he not be” (3 grown kids) so I kept taking him back. At the time the nightmare started we were married about 24 years; did 2.5 more years of wreckconciliation/pick me dancing. I turned into marriage police checking everything all the time, early on we entered marriage counseling (where he lied to my face), and after about of year of where we seemed to be on the right path to fixing things he decided he wasn’t committed and couldn’t put aside his feelings for OW. Wow…after convincing me he was all in even days before dropping that bomb.
What struck me most was how every conversation always seemed to center on HIS FEELINGS; not on how much pain he was causing me. HE was so ashamed, HE hated himself, HE was not a good person; HE didn’t deserve all he had – never once did he ever make it about ME. What I have learned is that I never really trusted him after the first DDay and as much as I wanted to keep it all (family, kids, home) together I was probably never going to get past it. In the end he did me a favor by leaving…I am not totally over it yet…divorce will final in a few months….but on the road to Meh…
If he loves you so much, why did he betray you again?
This is who he is. He’s a liar and a cheater and a traitor. What are you planning to have “work out” again? You gave him another chance. He (literally) fucked up. He is going to continue to hurt you and put you through this cycle until he finally gets tired of the crocodile tears act.
Take control. Leave. Kick him out. No contact. He has lost his “you” privileges. He made that choice when he cheated the first time. He affirmed that choice when he kept doing it. He has justified hurting you gravely in his head. Do you want that? Aren’t you worth more?
And for goodness’ sake, if you find yourself in couples counseling again, GET A BETTER ONE (and give the old one a bad Google review.)
Couples’ counseling isn’t recommended for people in abusive relationships. If you subscribe to the tenet that cheating is abuse, don’t go to couple’s counseling with a cheater. In general, I don’t think couple’s counseling is a terribly effective medium. Way better use of time and money to go to individual counseling instead.
Oh I agree-I tried it. It sucked and my fuckwit stormed out crying. I agree that individual therapy is a much better application of one’s time. That said-I feel like there is a place for couple’s counseling-“after betrayal” is not it. I heard a similar statement about bringing in consultants to save a business-by the time most reach out it is already too late.
Dear SC, If I ever met you, I would pour you a cup of your favorite warm drink, wrap my arms around you, give you the most gentle hug and show you what REAL TEARS look like. We could both cry real human tears together. Now, let’s use CL analogy to help put what you are going through in the light of truth. Let’s put you at the top of a beautiful stair case, hmmm let say, on the Titanic- you remember that one? Or the Gone with the Wind staircase at Tara plantation. Both were lost causes so it doesn’t matter. So the man who you say loves you, heave you hoops and pushes you down the steps. Oh no, he cries, rushing down to help you up again..oh IM SO SORRY, ARE YOU ALRIGHT? Let’s take you to the ER and ask the doctor how you can avoid me bumping into you. 6 months later, trusting your sorry partner, you feel a firm hand on your back and down you go. Bam!! Uh oh your partner yells, it was a mistake, oh I am sorry. This time, on the way up the stairs, he has a tooth pick and he gives you a sharp poke. Let’s go to the ER and talk to the staff about you tripping just when I walk by. It’s probably due to your FOO issues and I am here to help. He is so sorry!!! He drives you to the ER..repeat this as your life story. How long will it be before all your bones are bruised and broken and you can no longer walk.? Ot you hit your head on the way down and can’t make decisions anymore? Or think for yourself. This was almost me, emotionally and soon physically until I knew nothing except my cheaters needs and never ever my own treasured body and soul. I was very close to death but I was a last minute rescue x2. Guns and rage came with the years. Remember the staircase was on the Titanic or Tara, both went down no matter how tall the staircase. If you are writing to CL, I have hope for you. She has buckets of titanium for all our spines. She speaks the truth to the lies you believe about someone who DOES NOT love you. Who has put you into the spin cycle of abuse where you can’t feel your own heartbreak nor recognize the pain of a thousand cuts. My cheater cried until the snot ran out of his nose. He cried giant tears at my feet where my feet felt wet. He was sorry, for what. ? For loss of cake, loss of me as his front for normal, my cooking, my job, my beautiful cheerful positive spirit, for sex on demand because maybe he won’t stray if I act like his girlfriends???? All that and more. But it was not love, I was of use. Stay with us and learn. You’ll need courage and you’ll need to go against your very personality…but in the end, NO CONTACT with this abuser will save your soul. I’m crying real tears for you and I’ll keep my heart open in the hope that you will RUN FOR THE LIFE BOAT OR leave the city before it burns.
Oh, the crying. I’m going to share a story about my ex that I hope puts the crying into perspective. My ex was a crier. Not when we were dating, only after we married and had a child. He actually came to me and told me he had cheated and sobbed and cried. How could I leave him for caring so much that he decided to be honest when he wasn’t even caught? That makes me want to barf now. Anyways, later I thought he was unhappy, two years before our divorce, and I actually offered him an out. An amicable divorce since he seemed so unhappy with me. I was only going to take my inheritance. He sobbed! He screamed! How could I think that?! It was like weeks of crying on and off. I’m not a big crier. The crying would make me uncomfortable. I wanted to make it stop.
So, during the divorce I’m taking laundry out of the dryer and crying. I cry quietly so just tears falling down my face, no sobbing. He walks by and sees me. He comes into the laundry room, enraged, and starts screaming at me “This is ABUSE! You are WEAPONIZING your tears to abuse me! I don’t have to take this! THIS IS ABUSE! YOU ARE ABUSING ME!” while he towered over me, flailing his arms at me. He’s already a foot taller than me, it was terrifying.
It was also confusing… because he constantly cried…. Any time we had a fight, he would cry… If he didn’t get his way, he would cry… But he sees crying as abuse? He thinks tears are weapons? He can’t imagine I could be crying for any real reason while going through a divorce of a 20 year marriage? Because he only sees tears as weapons to be used to manipulate and abuse other people. That was the chilling realization that hit me.
It was always manipulation. Always. There may be men who just cry a lot for whatever reason but when you couple it with serial cheating as well, it is purely manipulation. Every time he cries, he’s abusing you. He’s just trying to manipulate you, none of it is real. That tidbit of info was given to me straight from the abusive serial cheater playbook by my own FW ex.
Wow that explains a lot about the night I saw the shark eyes as he raged at me that my tears were bullshit 🤯
Gosh. My ex was not a crier but he sure accused me of trying to manipulate him when “I” cried. I hated that shit.
Dear RIC therapists everywhere:
Question – is lying/cheating/endangering my health abusive? If you say “yes”, why are you encouraging me to “forget the past” & stay in an abusive relationship?
Oh, right, the bills won’t pay themselves.
“he won’t lie anymore as long as I can make it a safe space for him, as long as I promise not to leave him or get mad. ”
This is a set up. It means you’re not allowed to ever criticize his behaviour or even be mildly displeased with it, because that makes him feel “unsafe.” When he feels unsafe, he gets to fuck around. He’s pre-excused himself for next time, and there will 100% be a next time. Run. Run fast and run far. This is a serial cheater and the dramatic display of remorse is fake. If he feels anything genuine about it, it’s horror at being found out for who he really is. Please leave him. We can all assure you that nothing good will ever come from this. Keep in mind that as a serial cheater, he has cheated other times that you didn’t find out about.
For future reference, and I hope you don’t need it, if they trickle truth you, there is no remorse. In fact, the rare cheaters (if they even exist at all) who feel remorse about it will confess, not wait to be caught.
The “safe space” lingo — he got that from therapy, I guess. Be sure to thank that RIC counselor for that one. 🙄
Also, love how CL pointed out that another word for trickle truth is lying.
Give him a break…the guy is trying his damnedest to keep his wifey & side dish appliances! If it takes theatrics & empty promises, so be it! Sarcasm aside, our families really fail us when they don’t teach us the spectrum of human character. Not everyone has good as their baseline, not everyone means us well, not everyone is kind & loving. In fact, I remember being gaslit by my family “oh it means he likes you”, (in response to a boy pulling my hair, brushing his hand by my boob, etc). No family, this boy was grooming me to tolerate his shit in the future & seeing how far he could push it. My family should have reported him & told me to punch him. This is where this tolerance & suspending our beliefs for Fuckwits bad behaviour comes from. Look at your own FOO for answers. I’m sorry to say your marriage was built on a house of cards. Mine was too. Your husband & my ex are the Joker of Marriage. I sincerely wish you a clear path forward.
My exFW is the king of the snotty, tear filled apologies. He’s literally gotten down on his knees, blubbering crying, asking for forgiveness. It’s all bullshit. He’s in therapy and SLAA and all that those things have done is teach him new ways to abuse me and new ways to forgive himself and call himself a hero. Run away SC. I doesn’t seem like you’ve been together for too long. Please don’t be like me and other chumps here who found ourselves wasting decades with our FWs. (I had three decades before I left and FW was cheating the entire time) Leave. Run. Get far far away. There will come a day when you will wonder what you ever saw in him. I promise. It’s hard now, but later you will see your worth and you will shudder at the thought that you even considered staying with him after this.
To SC, I just saw your response regarding your age. I was with my FW for your entire life. If I can get over mine, you can get over yours, I promise. It feels impossible at first, but it gets easier with time. You just have to believe in your worth. You are worth it. He is not. And if you don’t feel mighty just yet, borrow some of the mightiness from Chump Nation! We’ve got it in spades here and we’re happy to lend you some strength. Big hugs to you!!!!
Here’s the thing, my friend, you need to examine the situation and understand what he is getting out of it and what he enjoys. This guy ENJOYS lying to you. He gets an extra special thrill every time he has sex outside of marriage because of the lying that surrounds it. In fact, I would not be surprised if the side piece he’s been cheating with throughout your “relationship” is not the only one. He has probably been with other, random women, too. Because the cheating and lying is part of the excitement. The long-term side piece feels too much like a relationship to him so he needs to spice things up by lying to her, too.
And, also, in a twisted way he enjoys the drama of getting caught and pitching a big old snotty hissy fit. When he puts on his performance of fake remorse he is still the center of attention. And if he cries and begs hard enough, he’s betting that you will let it slide. Because he doesn’t want any actual consequences for his actions. And if you stopped him in the middle of one of his dramatic shows and told him that you have filed for divorce and he needs to leave the marital home, he will switch to rage. And the rage will be real and scary.
First Dday while married, he said was a one night stand. Crying rolling around on the ground. Yes crying because the thought he would loose everything, Not remorse. One night stand? I guess, but your coworker doesnt fuck you when drunk unless the groundwork has been laid, ie emotional affair. Not sure what her intentions were, but desperate women are real.
Promised to tell me in the future if he were to have feelings for another person. But you see they lie. To you to themselves. You realize its a decision they have made, not uncontrollable not a sex addict. Even addicts have free will. Some stop cold turkey. That was devastating when I realized he made a choice to cheat. You also realize they do enjoy the lying, dupers delight is a thing. Its thrilling for them to lie and cheat. That was another aha moment for me.
Next coworker emotional affair. Did he tell me like he promised? No! Would they have fucked? Yes! Maybe they did, maybe it had gotten to that point. But after a few Ddays you are done.
This was me minus the exaggerated and prolonged crocodile tears. I got one display of sadz, followed by a whole lot of inaction on showing his sorry – or better yet, action completely contradicting his sorry. Think about this: his excessive crying and begging is a grown man employing the tactics of a toddler. Take away the waterworks and he is showing you through repeated offenses and inability to see this from your perspective or make this about how he hurt YOU that he is very much going to do this again and again as long as he can get away with it – as long as you take him back. He needs a swift dose of reality. Actions have consequences. You don’t need to suffer for his sins. You deserve so much better than this asshat taking your heart for a ride. Break it off, put some distance between you, and it will all make sense.
Or I should say it will all make as much sense as something so senseless can make. These people do not operate like us. Our difficulty in grasping this is a big part of why we get stuck.
I found that my ex was excellent at manipulating me with his emotions. I did not realize this until after we were separated and I started seeing things with new eyes (thank you chump nation).
I was in a place where I’d think – oh no I can’t do that, it’d make him angry. Oh he’s upset today I need to keep the kids quiet and out of his way.
It was a slow process to realize that I chose my actions oh so carefully all the time to try to control his emotions. What an abusive dynamic. Walking on egg shells all the time. His emotions were never in my control – it was just a manipulation tactic he was very good at using.
In my experience, I needed space and separation to finally see things as they truly were. I was invested in a con artist. It never was what I believed it was. Save yourself from more heartache and being controlled – no contact is the path to a much much better place. (I wish I could go no contact – but kids make that impossible).
It’s still so much better to live in the real world instead of in a fantasy where you’re being manipulated to prioritize a selfish adult/child… just take one step at a time to free yourself.
I was also hesitant at first to share with others about his affair – but I think that was actually the hopium. If I told everyone, I would look stupid reconciling. Put it down. Tell friends and family. It is not your shame, it is his. I found it so much better to share – it actually led me to form new closer friendships because some people are more willing to share their trials and tribulations when you’ve shared yours.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Big hugs.
Tracy’s response is brilliant. It’s as if all her accumulated wisdom from years of reading these letters and digesting the ensuing comments is condensed into this one response.
The only thing I’d add, speaking from my own experience, is that I don’t think every FW who sobs and vomits with remorse is just producing crocodile tears. When I discovered my first husband’s cheating, I’m convinced (I won’t go into why) that his tears were real and that he felt searing guilt and remorse–and even great empathy for me. But this point of Tracy’s proved to be too true: “Ask him to leave and watch how quickly that self-pity”–and, I’d add, empathy–“flips into rage.”
My main point is that this question whether the remorse is real is irrelevant to whether you should leave. I’d say this to any fellow chump: even if your heart is moved by what seems your partner’s true, deep remorse and guilt, you must just steel yourself and GET OUT OF THERE. Even if you’re sure this person loves you tremendously, get out. And find whatever support you can so that you can withstand the pain of separation. This person has poisoned your life, no matter how much you think you to have to work with.
Serially Chumped, best of luck to you. Sending hugs.
CL gave us a great response to this letter about a guy so remorseful he’s cheating again 90 days after getting caught cheating during the whole relationship. If this is remorse, I’m a linebacker for the Pittsburgh Steelers.
“…he won’t lie anymore as long as I make it a safe space for him.”
Let’s UBT that gem: He won’t lie anymore so long as I don’t confront him about his infidelity–no questions, no raised voices, no threats to leave, no tears. He needs a safe space from which to cheat on me.
Oh the histrionic! My very own limp dick POS (love this apt description and borrowing it from another poster). My FW screaming cried and faked multiple suicide attempts including in the middle of marriage counseling sessions AFTER DDAY 2&3. It was all bogus as I later found out. RUN as fast as you can from this master manipulator!
I could have written this letter too 10 years ago. Get out before it gets worse. It will 100% get worse. My ex also cried and threw up and begged and I tried to make it work. One day he woke up and was a completely different person – cold as ice and ready to discard me and our three children. It doesn’t get better with these people – it only gets worse. He continues to do the same things to new partners.
While I’m now fully past him, the continuous betrayal haunts me. Even if you stayed, you will not forget. You will never be able to trust him and without trust, there is no genuine relationship.
<<<hugs>>> Serially Chumped, I’m so sorry you are going through this. Chumplady and the community here are giving you great advice. From our collective experience, we feel certain that your cheater is not going to reform.
Personally, I do believe change is possible, but I also know that people rarely change their stripes. So, from where I’m sitting, the odds are overwhelming that your cheater will not change, especially given that he was given a precious second chance and blew it (as did my ex-husband), and given that he continues to center his feelings. I suspect those are not tears of remorse but come from a fear of consequences to him.
When I had my D-Day #2 (having thought my marriage had survived D-Day #1), I, too, was shamed and embarrassed and isolated myself—which was so unnecessary! When I finally told friends and family, they completely understood and were very sympathetic. Please ask yourself how you would react if a friend confided this experience to you—you’d be caring and sympathetic and supportive, right? You wouldn’t judge them; you’d judge their cheater. And Chump Nation stands at the ready to offer our caring support.
You said you are 39—which from my perspective is a great age. You’re a capable adult, you’re financially stable, you know how the world works. You’re also clearly a caring person—if you weren’t, his self-serving tears wouldn’t affect you so much.
A much better future awaits you! Please get your ducks in a row (consult with an attorney and make arrangements as needed with respect to finances, options for places to live, etc.). And while you’re doing so, allow yourself some pleasant fantasies about the beautiful life you will build for yourself. For example, do you have a bucket list trip you’d like to take? Plan to honor that as soon as possible after you extricate yourself from your marriage.