UBT: Diddy’s Non-Apology Apology
Music mogul Sean Combs AKA Diddy offered a non-apology apology yesterday for beating his former girlfriend Cassie Ventura. The timing of his “truly sorry” just happened to coincide with a video CNN released of him flinging Ventura to ground, thug kicking her in the head, and dragging her off to God know what other set of horrors. Reportedly, the assault occurred in a hotel in Los Angeles hotel in 2016.
According to Ventura’s complaint, which cited the altercation as occurring “around March 2016,” Combs became “extremely intoxicated and punched Ms. Ventura in the face, giving her a black eye.”
After Combs fell asleep, Ventura attempted to leave the hotel room, but he woke up and “followed her into the hallway of the hotel while yelling at her,” the complaint said.
“He grabbed at her, and then took glass vases in the hallway and threw them at her, causing glass to crash around them as she ran to the elevator to escape,” the complaint alleged.
After Ventura got in the elevator, her complaint states that she took a cab to her apartment.
“Upon realizing that her running away would cause Mr. Combs to be even angrier with her, and completely stuck in his vicious cycle of abuse, Ms. Ventura returned to the hotel with the intention of apologizing for running away from her abuser,” the complaint claims. “When she returned, hotel security staff urged her to get back into a cab and go to her apartment, suggesting that they had seen the security footage showing Mr. Combs beating Ms. Ventura and throwing glass at her in the hotel hallway.”
Hey, Diddy would like to offer an apology now.
On Instagram he says: “I was fucked up. I hit rock bottom. But I make no excuses. My behavior on that video is inexcusable. I take full responsibility for my actions in that video.”
“I was disgusted then when I did it. I’m disgusted now. I went and I sought out professional help, I got into going to therapy, going to rehab. I had to ask God for his mercy and grace. I’m so sorry. But I’m committed to be a better man each and every day. I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m truly sorry.”
Truly! And you can trust a guy who (allegedly) paid $50,000 to the hotel to retrieve that video footage. Fortunately, the patented Universal Bullshit Translator eats non-apology apologies for breakfast.
This is hard on Diddy. Harder really.
I was fucked up.
I fucked Cassie up.
I hit rock bottom.
Alas, I hit rock bottom. A net worth of $900 million, celebrity, accolades, endless coke-fueled orgies. I suffered every moment. Pain I could only express by pulverizing my girlfriend’s face with my fist.
But I make no excuses.
But “I was fucked up, I hit rock bottom” are not excuses — they’re sad sausage mindfuck manipulations.
My behavior on that video is inexcusable.
I own my behavior!
Which is why I vehemently denied ever assaulting her, and settled a federal lawsuit last November.
I take full responsibility for my actions in that video
I paid her, after she sued me. I apologized, after CNN outed me. #fullresponsibility
I was disgusted then when I did it. I’m disgusted now.
It must’ve been a bad case of disgust that made me deny this ever happened. A toxic shame spiral that rendered me amnesic.
I went and I sought out professional help, I got into going to therapy, going to rehab.
I went and had a character transplant! Integrity veneers! Morality injections! The very best impression management money can buy.
Give it to Jesus (no tag backs)
I had to ask God for his mercy and grace.
I’m a religious man. In that thug-kick-your-girlfriend-in-the-kidneys kinda way. #WhatBitchWouldJesusHit
(God was unavailable for comment to answer if He had offered any mercy and grace. Spokes-angels from Heaven said the divine timing of the CNN video release, lost brand deals, and Diddy’s continued legal peril speak for themselves.)
I’m so sorry. But I’m committed to be a better man each and every day.
Indeed, in my quest for self improvement, I broke into Cassie’s home and raped her after she broke up with me in 2018, according to court documents. #betterman
Hey, I see a unicorn!
I’m not asking for forgiveness. I’m truly sorry.
Please don’t press further charges.
***
As CN knows from painful chump experience, forgiveness is meaningless without recompense and accountability. (I don’t think Diddy wants either.) Sorry is as sorry does.
Lock Diddy up. Forgiveness is not substitute for Accountability. Any apology should be to Cassie & every woman Sean Combs violently abused & assaulted. Remember he first denied Cassie's abuse charges against him before settling within 24hrs. Does that sound like someone who… pic.twitter.com/U2RmXwHlUl
— Dr Shola Mos-Shogbamimu (@SholaMos1) May 19, 2024
I am curious about the missing elements of a true apology. Should celebrities refrain from public statements? Should a victim’s pain and veracity be acknowledged? Should perpetrators impose sanctions upon themselves? Should co-conspirators be exposed?
I’d take him more seriously if he gave a sincere apology to Cassie in private and offered reparations. Him posting this on social media sounds like he’s still making it all about him and not the women he brutalized.
I may be in the minority here but I actually think this apology would have been pretty good IF (1) there had been acknowledgement of his victim’s pain, and IF (2) he had given it after it happened, or at least, well before the video dropped.
But the fact that he only gave it after the video leaked and was denying what happened up until then makes ANY apology from him ring hollow.
He isn’t sorry, he’s only sorry he got caught.
Right?
He initially told everyone she was LYING. That tells you everything you need to know.
I’m glad the video came to light because there are people who believed HIM and called her a lying gold digger. That video was hard to watch, but it was also extremely clear. There was nothing nuanced that could be read as anything but her trying to flee and him brutalizing her.
And he’s trying to save his career. But I don’t think that will work.
I’ve seldom seen a celebrity more deserving of cancelation.
My wife used a similar technique. “I’ve repented. God has forgiven me. Don’t you believe in God?” I’m not as religious as I used to be, but I struggled with that.
A good counselor helped me understand that Christian repentance requires admission of guilt, recompense and fundamental change. It is not just saying “Ooops. Sorry about that.”
Given his resources, I would believe:
To paraphrase chumplady, “You feel bad about your actions? Great. What are you going to _do_ about it?”
Anger management doesn’t work on domestic abusers. They aren’t motivated by anger itself, but by the need for power and control. They do get angry when that is threatened, but you can’t treat their anger without treating the entitlement and misogyny that underpins it. They are not just people with bad tempers and poor impulse control.
I think you’re right. A researcher who studied convicted batterers for decades concluded that the only thing that makes even a tiny dent in the recidivism of domestic batterers (from 99% to 97%– big whoop) is stiff prison time coupled with therapy. Therapy alone made no difference whatsoever.
I find this interesting. If the prison time is what makes the difference, that means that they must have some level of control of themselves in the moment. Maybe I am way oversimplifying it, but it sounds like they end up in a situation where they could abuse someone again, and they stop, thinking “I don’t want to go back to jail?”
How much you want to bet every one of those few that don’t get caught physically abusing anyone after they go to jail for it once, just become super controlling and awful, but in a mental and emotional way “only”.
Wow! 2% drop is NOT a positive outcome. An ex-boyfriend threw my briefcase at my face when I laughed at him (I thought he made a joke & he became enraged). I have a brother who waltzed me down to the police station to press charges. If not for him, this fiasco might have continued. The ex-boyfriend professed remorse & he got probation with anger management therapy. However, I heard down the road that he assaulted his BOSS. He clearly didn’t learn a thing!
Thank God for your brother. This is why I think “Abusoholicism” or “Assaholicism” is far darker, more deeply entrenched and much harder to reverse than addiction to mere substances.
I am very, very curious how a hotel can just accept bribe money from a criminal to hide criminal acts. Are they not then legally complicit? This was a crime. They had evidence of a crime. Surely they have corporate lawyers, who advised accepting a bribe? I’m perplexed and dismayed.
Did they actually accept the bribe though? I am too lazy to re-read the article, but I think it might have said he offered $50k. If they took the money, then how did the tape leak?
Though even if they did keep the tape, they obviously knew what happened and didn’t report it.
A good point. Can she sue the hotel for damages? And, Idk, anybody else who knew he was abusing her and did nothing? His manager? His security people?
To my mind the hotel should be under legal obligation to report a crime. I hope she files a suit against the hotel. But, she may have waived those rights by accepting a pay off. I don’t know the law.
This whole “Trump Trial” thing has educated me on the magic of “buying the story”.
I saw this thing on Twitter(the only thing in the world you will ever catch me dead-naming) when OJ died a month or so ago about how apparently in college OJ battered a couple of women/fellow students and the college paid off the women and had a bunch of NDAs signed so it would go away and he could continue sports balling for them. I don’t know how true that is but that certainly is provocative(and like with all fuckwittery-“makes just enough sense to probably be true”.)
I can only imagine the hotel got some legal intimidation in the form of “not wanting to lose business for being a bunch of narcs.” And physical intimidation-“if that is what he will do to somebody he theoretically likes(in as much as fuckheads can actually like things in their own twisted way) imagine what he will do to somebody actively getting in between him and his money.”
It’s good ol’ fashioned abuse-“you’re dirty for being abused and it will get worse if you tell anybody.”
“The only thing in the world you’ll catch me dead naming.”
I laughed, that made my lunch break.
Ew, FW’s first hotel spree with the AP was at the InterContinental in a different city.
Naturally I’d be happy to see the company dragged and made criminally responsible because covering up assault is evil but also because it would probably add another cringy associative flashback to FW’s memories of the affair. Aside from the fact the affair blew up his family, that particular hotel was also where his erections went to die. Seriously, on his first tryst in that hotel, FW developed extreme ED for the first time in his life and could never get it up again without Viagra.
Can tacky, unsanitary hotel decor do that or was it the tacky, unsanitary AP? Personally I never understood what’s so “sexy” about these cheesy, faux-swank hotel chains with their hideous synthetic and vinyl furnishings, weak showers and toxic air fresheners, not to mention the luminol test scandal that found even the most expensive hotel rooms were covered in bodily fluids.
Normally I’m not hypochondriac but, if I’m ever forced to stay in one of these chains, I make sure the windows at least partially open, put the TV remote in a plastic bag, pull the (typically sperm-covered) bedspread off, bring my own pillow and a bottle of rubbing alcohol to clean surfaces and light switches– but even then I feel like I need a hazmat suit, lay towels on the sofa and never go near any ottomans in the room because of porn fetish associations with anal sex.
NOT THE HOTEL WHERE HIS ERECTION WENT TO DIE, I CAN’T-
While I hate the idea of shaming people for their struggles with genitalia and sexual performance, and I know it’s an especially socially weighted issue with men, I feel like we gotta start talking about the issues some FWs seem to have with their penises (penii?). I feel like there’s a genuine pattern here. Lizard struggled with having any sort of sensitivity and couldn’t even reach climax on his own most of the time, and for most of our relationship, he blamed it on me. Which I believed for far too long. I wonder how many chumps end up blaming themselves for their partner’s performance?
“While I hate the idea of shaming people for their struggles with genitalia and sexual performance, and I know it’s an especially socially weighted issue with men, I feel like we gotta start talking about the issues some FWs seem to have with their penises (penii?).”
I feel like FWs are fair game for this as it just sounds way too much like karma. I’m sure some FWs had ED before cheating too. But in this particular example, it definitely seems like it started with the cheating. That’s kind of crazy timing. I feel like some mischievous angel was looking down and said “take that”. And poof, ED.
Huh. I had an ex (boyfriend) who was in his early 40s and sometimes had trouble getting an erection. Just a few times. But since he was a decent, sane person, he didn’t blame me. Nor did I make fun of him, of course. I just said “OK, don’t worry about it.”
Lol, yes, how’s that for corporate PR? Put that in an investor promo. InterContinental was where hard-ons went to die!! So sad, bwah-bwah, oh the epic tragedy. 😀
There’s a huge, huge difference between generally shaming people over sexual function issues that are no fault of their own and bringing it up in the context of the relationship between the entitled, unhealthy, compulsive sexuality of most abusers and related sexual dysfunction and the fact that the latter is invariably blamed on victims. If we’re forced to defend ourselves from unfair blame, the issue is on the table and open for discussion.
I was joking recently with a friend about the fact that FW’s dick might have been more ethical than he was. I can imagine FW was crushed and humiliated during that first hotel tryst when he found himself completely unable to function for the first time in his life. Of course he, in his FWitty, demented frame of mind, never stopped to consider that his body was telling him something– like, er, maybe don’t rawdog the office barfly petri dish, expose yourself and your wife to STDs, destroy your family and blow your kids’ college funds. Instead he ran out the next day to frantically research Viagra and got an emergency script from the doctor so he could continue the affair. And naturally he never told the AP that he had to take max doses of sildenafil for the rest of the affair so she’d think he was rock hard due to his “natural virility.” I think that’s why when, a few months into the affair, I found his secret Viagra stash with the label torn off and asked what’s up, he went into such an epic rage that I feared he’d become violent. No one was supposed to know his unmanly secret! But sadly the real secret is that, somewhere down deep, he might even have had a wisp of conscience that he didn’t like or value.
After that point, I think the sheer amount of drinking that he and the AP did during the affair as well as the cumulative desensitization and “sexual template rewiring” effects of chronic porn use ended up making ED permanent.
In a surprisingly honest moment after D-day, FW admitted to a therapist that he did the whole “It’s not you” to the AP and implied it was the ball-breaking bitch he was married to who had unmanned him… leaving out the part where he’d never once, in 20 years, so much as gone slightly wobbly with me lol. The therapist even pointed out that this might have started as a pang of conscience and then ended up being fallout from porn use and physical damage from alcohol abuse. But I could never get over being initially blamed and scapegoated for a problem that never once surfaced while he was with me. Consequently, I reserve the right to laugh at him over it.
Oh, you absolutely have the right to laugh about it.
I find it amazing that so many of them have the same template – your FW raging and lashing out at you when you found the viagra bottle was one that stood out to me. Lizard did the same, bowling me over with anger when I would start noticing clues from his infidelity. Heck, I’ve read so many stories about angry reactions over simple, innocent questions – I don’t know whether I feel comforted tjat I’m not alone or saddened that others experienced it too.
Sorry HOAC (and hugs of course that you endured this shit!!) but I’m just dying laughing so hard at your FWs penis adventures and the insanity of it all. The site of the “Inter-Con” — appropriate name, no? — as the epicenter of where erections go to die is next level. I can’t even 🤣
No need to apologize, lol. The humor isn’t lost on me. Having been intimately acquainted with is dick for exactly half my life, I almost felt like putting a memorial bouquet and teddy bear in front of the InterContinental like people do at the sites of lethal car wrecks or gang shootings.
Hahahaha perfect. RIP His Dick
“His” not “is.’ Typing while giggling is hard.
That was probably porn related. There is a huge upswing in sexual problems in men and it’s due to internet porn use.
I thought the theory was compelling that chronic porn use has the power to radically “rewire” the natural human “sexual template” from organic human experience to seeing 50 random videotaped sex acts performed in two minutes and projected from a metal and plastic screen.
I talked to my kids about it in an abstract way, just sharing current social science theories and news, and my two sons said this is why they always steer clear of porn online– because they don’t want to end up as “GM humans” lol.
It’s a hotel for the wealthy. They probably accept bribes to cover things up all the time. Unfortunately.
A point well taken. However, if people start suing them, that may change.
The Diddy incident is the tip of a filthy hospitality industry iceberg. InterContinental is among the hotel chains being sued for colluding in sex trafficking.
Top hotels sued for ‘industry-wide failures’ to prevent U.S. sex trafficking
Twelve hotel chains were named and accused of knowing and ignoring warning signs that women and children were sold as sex slaves on their premises, according to the filing, a consolidation of 13 existing cases, in U.S. federal court in Columbus, Ohio.
The filing marked the first time the hotel industry – which has long been accused of serving as a breeding ground for sexual exploitation of women and children – faced action as a group.
The case drew together 13 separate actions that had been filed in Ohio, Massachusetts, Georgia, Texas and New York.
Among those named in the 13 cases were Hilton Worldwide Holdings Inc., Red Roof Inn, Intercontinental Hotels & Resorts, Best Western Hotels & Resorts and Wyndham Hotels and Resorts Inc.
Ugh. I can believe it. Nothing surprises me anymore. I hope the victims get justice!
Choice Hotels (Raddisson, etc.) were named as well. Unfortunately, some of these class actions and individual cases are being scuttled and dismissed but it’s no surprise considering the power these companies wield. Makes me sick.
The entire society is corrupt and routinely covers up the abuse of others especially women and children. People may think I’m a crank but it’s fucking true, from top to bottom. The GOVERNOR OF MASSACHUSETTS deliberately put immigrant children into hotels WITH KNOWN SEX OFFENDERS. And yes, there were attacks. It is literally top to bottom filled with people who DON’T CARE or who are paid NOT to care. It is a societal problem. Plenty of people know what this asshole was doing to Cassie and other women (cause I’m sure it’s NOT JUST HER) and nobody gave a shit especially if they got paid not to.
I like logical cranks. Actually I passionately love and depend on them for sheer sanity. The 11th of July (my parents’ wedding anniversary, which is very fitting) is National Whistleblower’s Day. Light a candle for yourself on that day. 😀
I was really hoping you’d blog on this one, Tracy! It just boggles the mind that someone who truly has it all, can behave this way. But for these people, it is never enough it seems. That was definitely not a sincere apology and he never once apologized to his victim, just this general, canned, all-purpose flat-as-a-pancake apology. Sorry, not sorry, which is the typical apology a narcissist gives, one I have had thousands of times from my physically abusive narcissist. If I had a dollar for every fake apology…
No video exists of my backstage conversation with the producer (Chris McWatt) of Oprah when I walked on set and discovered I had been lied to and set up.
When you go up against a celebrity, be prepared to have YOUR life ruined, which is how these people get away with abusing others. YOU are going to be accused of a money grab. YOUR character will be assassinated. YOU will be labeled a lunatic while the celebrity skates away after abusing you and goes on with life unscathed.
Celebrity has the unfortunate effect of conferring character and benevolence on individuals who do not possess it.
This is the batterer “apology” as outlined
in the cycle of violence, but not even issued to his victim; he’s addressing the public, which makes it even more reprehensible.
Every story I hear about Oprah gets worse than the last. I’m sorry that happened to you. She and everyone associated with her sound like garbage people.
The surveillance video of Sean Combs assaulting Cassie Fine is what the cheater and their side pieces are doing to you emotionally psychologically, spiritually, mentally. It’s the physical equivalent of how they are treating you.
Watch that video when you are considering reconciling with the cheater. Watch that video if you think the cheater loves you (or loves anyone.) Watch that video when you think the affair partners are better than you. Watch that video when you think the cheaters are happy and riding off into the sunset and they’re so called better life.
Then imagine yourself making it to the elevator and successfully getting away from them.
❤️
If you saw someone doing this to someone, would you date them?
Being cheated on is like the wind. You don’t see the wind; you see its effects. The wounds therefore can be easy to deny.
The cheaters and side pieces are the Diddys, and the cheated-on is the Cassie.
Watch this video with that in mind.
I have to wonder what is going on with this asshole. To me, he is an obvious Intel asset just as Epstein was (and probably many others are). He has been allowed to exist with this “lifestyle” to compromise as many high level people as possible. Every room in his mansions apparently have cameras. They’ve known he does this shit (and probably worse) to women – and probably kids, I would not be surprised – on a regular basis, this is just ONE incident that was caught on camera. That he has NOT YET BEEN PROSECUTED – I don’t think he’s ever been charged with ANYTHING despite the spectacular house raid a couple of months ago – says something massive to me. I don’t think he’s GOING to be charged with anything, not for this, not for anything. For some reason, they decided to shame him, expose him, instead….like he’s not going to be an agent for them anymore. Don’t know why this is going on but everything that happens in our government and public life is bullshit and based on lies. So many of our pols and celebrities engage in the secret abuse of women and kids, I think that’s almost a prerequisite for rising to various levels.
I dearly hope I am wrong but I don’t think anything is going to happen to this asshole unless some people have the courage to sue him privately and the statute of limitations would not apply.
As for the “apology”…..I can’t even listen to fake shit like this. It’s probably along the lines of “things were done”.
Okay, I listened. It’s still me me me me me me me me me. I don’t hear any….I’m sorry Cassie, I was a raging violent asshole that hurt you, probably repeatedly. And I’m giving a (insert meaningful amount of money here) to you that might be some small amends for the pain and humiliation I caused you routinely. Something like that. Words without actions are meaningless and he doesn’t even say it to his VICTIM. Just another asshole.
It reminds me of the letter my ex wrote to me: “I don’t know why I acted like such a dirt bag”. Some vague “I don’t know why”. I know why, because you are a dirt bag.
Yup, susie, dirt bags tend to act like dirt bags. It’s one of those miracles of life.
Here’s the real truth. If Cassie brings a civil suit against him for whatever amount…HE WILL FIGHT IT. Just like in a divorce. Whatever bullshit they say, they say, and it means nothing. When it comes down to money and resources, they fight their victims tooth and nail.
What bothers me most about this is I think what’s obvious to everyone – HOW MANY PEOPLE AND ORGANIZATIONS KNEW THIS WAS HAPPENING – possibly for years and probably with other women too – AND DID NOTHING. This guy is alleged to have killed people and I would not be surprised and yet….he STILL has not been prosecuted, and they ALL KNOW what he is and what he’s done.
I believe he settled with her the day after she filed the suit. But he publicly denied any wrongdoing, of course.
Of course, I saw his apology again last night and what strikes me about him is his cold, dead eyes. The words are all self serving bullshit, of course, but this guy has truly dead eyes, like a zombie. He killed his own soul.
I have 2 friends who worked in Hollywood right after college in assistant jobs to big name directors who paid them peanuts. They said Hollywood is run by abusers and fanatics. Neither of them were surprised when everything came out about Harvey Weinstein. One said, “He’s just the tip of the iceberg. There’s a hundred other guys like him.”
She left Hollywood 5 years after she moved there, with everything she owned packed in the backseat of her car. She said she drove out of LA and never looked back.
I’m so glad she escape that without being sucked in or abused or worse. It’s a truly vile place. I’m an extremist but I’d like to see the fucking place burned to the ground. I think it’s THAT vile. What they do to people there, especially children is absolutely….it’s beyond words. I saw a movie recently, Silver Bullet – pretty good werewolf movie from the ’80s – starring boy actor Corey Haims, who was just adorable, and quite good. What they did to that kid and young man that caused him to kill himself. And we KNOW about Corey – how many others do we not know of. Since I’ve become aware of this, I basically have stopped going to movies as I don’t want to support this racket any more. I think they threw Weinstein in as a bone, let me know when they get to the Spielberg level. As long as I have opposable thumbs I can entertain myself, I don’t need the creeps of Hollywood and the “entertainment” industry.
Corey Haim’s story is a tragedy. The fact nobody stopped it is a testament to how abusive the entertainment industry is. It’s not an accident, there’s tons of people actively colluding to make it happen.
I used to think people exaggerated the abuse in Hollywood but with all the stories coming out in recent years, I now think that entire industry is beyond redemption. It is SCARY how many people there are abusers and how much unchecked power they wield. The lunatics are running the asylum.
(I will open with “Oh, that idiot is still alive? Huh”)
“I take full responsibility for my actions in that video.”
Anybody else here remember the episode of X-Files where they played a Bill Clinton clip of him apologizing for human experimentation (or some such-it’s been ages) up until that point?
No promise it won’t happen again.
Or hasn’t happened since.
Or didn’t happen last night.
Just because there isn’t plausible deniability because there is video of it happening(was actually on TV at work as I walked in today-funny I sit down and see it here!)
It’s part of why the Free Space on my “Fuckwit Bingo” Card is “You Caught Me(This Time!)”
Pretty sure there are some other allegations against him as well and I doubt he saved too much money from his 15 minutes of fame. He’ll get his.
We’re sorry we experimented on those black guys at Tuskegee with incurable syphillis. We won’t do it again. Now take your vaccine.
Unfortunately……it works.
Ten years ago when I was doing research for disability rights attorneys, the website I mined for information on things like corporate and government guinea pigging of minorities, wards of the state, prison and third world populations was watchdog site The Alliance for Human Research Protection founded by Holocaust survivor and law librarian Vera Sharav. Apparently it’s still going strong and still blowing whistles though, if I’m not sleuthing for a specific purpose, I can only take this stuff in small doses because I end up feeling physically ill and developing nervous tics, especially when the inhumanity involves children. But I figure if someone has to endure this stuff, the least we can do is learn about it.
Will have to check it out when I get a minute. Thanks!
I think Sharav and the current board focus a lot on Covid controversies which I’m undecided about even though I believe this type of general conversation has to take place as I remember was explained very well in the site’s article on “Scientism.” If anyone’s going to tackle such sticky issues, I’m glad it’s that sober group. I did see some interview a while back where Sharav was asked about “chip tattoos” and thought oh nooo, not you too, Vera! But she was talking about quantum dot tattoo identification that some idiot at Rice University came up with, not the whole microchips in vaccines nonsense. It makes sense that someone who was tattooed in a death camp wouldn’t look kindly on tattooed identification.
But, back in the day, I was looking into something much different– how the disabled and other “disposable” populations are used as lab rats to test risky drugs and whether some of these treatment models could be ironically worsening underlying disorders, particularly in terms of mitochondrial damage. That site was a fund of information and led to lots of other authors and resources. As Rachel Carson warned about half a century ago, some of the mitocidal effects of drugs overlaps with the effects of agrochemical on human and animal mitochondrial function which Sharav’s site also tackled periodically.
My more esoteric question at the time was whether part of the reason that the disabled are treated so badly might be partly due to society causing more disability. A rise in disability rates has always historically triggered a kind of hysteria because of economic considerations alone but could this also be fueled by collective unconscious “guilt” that society may be responsible? After all, eugenics really caught fire in Germany– which, at the time, was the chemical manufacturing center of the world– following a steep rise in disability and birth defects in the industrial age and especially following a spike in disability rates following Germany’s use of notoriously mitocidal chemIcal weapons in WWI. Would a culture be so cruel to the disabled had a rise been caused by natural disaster or event beyond the control of that society?
Oh the endless philosophical ponderings… Anyway, who better to consult about this than a Holocaust survivor? Sharav always seems to naturally think along those lines and poke under those rocks.
“I take full responsibility for my actions in that video.”
What gets me about these apologies is the inane-ness of it. Well duh, who else would be responsible.
I’m sure it was written by a lawyer or lawyers and/or a public relations specialist in an attempt at damage control. He doesn’t mean it, of course.
He focuses on the logical because he’s a sociopath who can’t feel emotion. There’s a shocking lack of it in his bullshit apology. Is disgust really an emotion? I don’t think so. If it were me, I’d be dying of shame. Him? He’s just disgusted, or so he claims. He doesn’t mention how horrifying it must be for people to see that video, or how Cassie must’ve felt. He doesn’t feel anything, doesn’t empathize with others, and he isn’t sorry.
That line is what breaks my brain, and solidifies to me that there isn’t a verbal “apology” anyone can issue when an abuse has occurred that has any purpose other than image manipulation.
Taking full responsibility in this case means doing jail time.
For our cheaters to be sorry and take responsibly it means moving out, filing for divorce, making it quick and equitable, paying what support is due, being an involved parent if kids are involved… I could go on.
Maybe someone on this blog has an ex-spouse that did those things, but the vast majority of us got empty platitudes intermixed with toddler tantrums.
‘But only because I’ve been caught- yet again’
The Question for Me and for all of us chumps is, Cassie went back to
1. Get bashed again
2. Get raped
3. Apologize
4. Humiliate herself with pick me for a million
5. With glass still in her hair
6. To die or live with a brain injury
7. For STDs
8 for demeaning and more violent beatings
My question: did OJs wife go back?
Did I return from work to be verbally demeaned and intimately abused? Did I stay on my high horse and believe I was helping this repeat offender?. Did it take Tracy and you- CN a year for me to believe this creep could not have a character transplant and was a horrible unstable human being? Did I want to CHANGE yes Change him with prayer instead of prayer to change me to take back this treasure that was me? OK so I’m Cassie too and I know I fought off the human magnet 🧲 of dysfunction. We all can get mighty 💪and save our mental health and lives!!🫷
I sure hope CL got rid of the 🐝 🐝 bees in her office. Like cheaters, bees come back home to sting and protect their hives – cheaters protect themselves and their selfish needs….trust that they suck
Unfortunately predators like Diddy seek out people who are vulnerable to abuse, probably because they got some level of it, even just emotional, in the FOO. I don’t know anything about Cassie personally, this is the first I’ve seen of her and I don’t really know anything about Diddy either. So….the first thing I’m really seeing is him beating this shit out of of some helpless young woman and leaving her in a hallway and dragging her around like a doll, and if there were justice in this world, some men should be beating the crap out of him somewhere. Instead, this man, who looks absolutely dead inside, just issues a fake apology and hope it goes away. I hope Cassie is living a better life now away from abusers. But I know that predators seek prey. My father used to beat the shit out of my mother early in their marriage until her brothers beat the fucking shit out of him one day and then it stopped. It became mainly verbal abuse – at least until my teens when I had to defend her, but this is how they pick people. I’ll believe people care about Cassie and victims in general when a fucking piece of crap like this Diddy GOES TO JAIL FOR A LONG TIME. I don’t see that happening though. Cassie on the other hand, maybe gets a life sentence of trauma.
Mehitable– we are changing the narrative one Chump at a time. Thank you for your insights.
The late, great Dr. Evan Stark, one of the early founders of the DV shelter movement, coiner of “coercive control” and spearhead for the international movement to criminalize the latter, describes how it took him– a forensic psychology professor and expert– 20 years to fully understand that violence is not the worst, most paralyzing aspect of domestic abuse for most survivors, it’s the elaborate psychological coercion and entrapment.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yFce-GbOdsw
Victims typically leave only when the danger of staying exceeds the very considerable and statistically shocking danger of leaving. Coercive control expert Dr. Christine Cocciola, a former student and mentee of Stark, continues his legislative campaign with a special focus on “post-separation abuse” and weaponization of children and the courts. In other words, she focuses on identifying the very real risks, fears and dangers victims face when they try to escape which, of course, can’t be addressed unless named and can’t be resolved without changing societal and legal system response.
Anyway, it’s interesting that you’ll never hear the most profoundly experienced veterans in the field of IPV like this ask of an individual survivor “Why didn’t they leave?” but you might hear them ask “By what miracle or rare fortitude did they ever get out?”
An interviewer once rudely asked FKA Twigs why she didn’t leave Shia LaBeouf after he sexually assaulted and battered her. She smartly turned it back on the interviewer and said, “The real question should be why did that man terrorize me into staying with his abuse?”
For anyone curious, LaBeouf returned to the red carpet this week after several years’ absence after getting fired from his last film for abusing his coworkers (which he denies). There’s little accountability for abusers in the limelight.
But there’s a shit storm brewing in Cannes regarding LaBeouf and others being welcomed to the red carpet. Apparently there’s a cluster bomb of allegations that are about to be published regarding various bigshots in French cinema.
I am (sadly) utterly unsurprised by this. Here’s hoping Luc Besson’s at the top of the list. That bastard’s had rape allegations about him for years and is open about the fact he married and impregnated a 15-year old when he was in his 30s.
Ew, gross. I didn’t know about Besson’s marriage to an underage victim.
One thing that’s hopeful is how French women rose up en masse in sympathy to the #MeToo movement. Having lived, worked and studied in France for several years, I always sensed toxic gender politics were a powder keg. I had so many WTF experiences. But I also doubted whether French women in general (at least around the capital) were ready to stand up to any of it because pickme antics in France had become so artfully refined and over-processed for centuries that these the self-negating gymnastics had become iconic around the world and somehow representative of “ideal female conduct.”
Nothing makes me happier than being wrong about things like that. I was laughing out loud hearing about how French activists held signs saying “Balance ton porc” which roughly translates as “Rat out your pigs.”
Aside from there being powder in the keg, it seems there is a lit match being held to it. Good news.
I went to school in Paris and couldn’t believe how bad the street harassment was. Men would follow me down the street calling me a whore and demanding a fuck. It was constant. I couldn’t leave my apartment without having to face a tidal wave of angry penises.
I thought Rome was worse but you’re right that, in Paris, the harassment was angrier and the language much more violent. I had a boyfriend from Paris who didn’t fit that mold and was very mellow (unusually tall for France too) though it always irked me how he’d anxiously button or zip up my shirts to the neck before going out. I guess it’s easy to see why– because it would be impossible to zip up all the furious little dicks.
I’d love to hear some sociopolitical historical whatever theories on why some places are more “harassy” than others.
Thanks for the Evan Stark link, HOAC!
Yes Hell of a Chump, I know this. The counselor who got me OUT had to tell me he would NOT see me again until I got a lawyer and locked my husband out immediately and get a protection order. That woke me up that what I was experiencing was coercive control of the severest order. This counselor told me there was no excuse to stay and get shot, that I had agency that I had courage and the means to go and get out now. I feel like too much hand holding and ” understanding my fears” would have gotten me killed. The first 2 counselors were talking about my husband’s bipolar disease and HIS CHILDHOOD..too much of that and he wins, I get killed. OK ok we are magnets, we are trapped, we can’t decide, we are brainwashed….a million therapist will have you holding hands with these perpetrators and getting yourself sick and killed!!! I do not have answers but i needed tough love, not excuses of my victimhood. I’m sorry, I needed to be told to save myself NOW. I have no answers for anyone else..I’ve read those books but something has to give. If we are all stuck and cannot move, we will slowly or quickly die. If a building is on fire you have to GET OUT. You dont pipe in classical music and hold hands. 2x cheated on, both men with guns, both violent, I had to get our and hide, yes even with a 6 year old and newborn!! We cannot stay asleep, we cannot cry victim hood.. our lives are at stake.
You wrote, “This counselor told me there was no excuse to stay and get shot, that I had agency that I had courage and the means to go and get out now.”
Whereas I’m really happy to hear that whatever was said to you broke the spell of paralyzing terror and triggered you to take action and that you lived to tell of it, I’m a bit iffy about what that counselor did for many reasons. One thing I learned working in advocacy is that this kind of “bitch slapping” approach to abuse intervention can backfire quite lethally in the case the victim is shamed into leaving before getting critical ducks in a row or if the shaming or ultimatums “drown out” and override the victim’s life-saving intuition about specific risks and dangers (that only the victim in the situation can sense).
This was why the advocacy service I worked for specifically banned this kind of exhortation towards victims, either from advocates or from fellow victims in group settings. It’s because the approach– which, at the time, was used by most state funded shelters and was based on the old, debunked “psychological deficiency” theory of battered women– notoriously failed most of the time aside from also increasing the danger some victims were in. Instead, the psychologist we consulted with advised following the tenets that Evan Stark and his wife and fellow forensic psychologist/advocate Anne Flitcraft laid out in the chapter on DV in Frank Ochberg’s book, Post-traumatic Stress Therapy and the Victims of Violent Crime and in other writings. Consequently, the service I worked with had a far higher “permanent escape rate” than the state funded shelters or other intervention services that used the old approach.
The idea was that, unless the helper was prepared to play 24/7 armed body guard and stop a bullet for the victim or take money out of their own pockets to pay for any unexpected fallout from premature flight such as medical treatment, housing or, say, lawyers to get the kids back from the abuser, etc., the helper should never shame a victim into “just leaving.” We were always gentle about telling survivors not to foist this kind of thinking on other survivors since it was clear many were just passing on the same age-old, standard, victim-shaming approach that had been used on them. But any helping professional who did this would be promptly let go.
Instead I think there are other, safer and more respectful and more permanent ways to break through captor bonding and Stockholm syndrome which are, after all, such hardwired survival responses because, in many cases, they promote survival against steep odds. One of the first things was to get the survivor to identify every particular fear and risk and then urge them, one by one, to take pragmatic measures to protect themselves against those risks “just in case.” As each individual risk was made less imminent by practical action, captor bonding tended to fade in increments.
I remember something very sobering that a veteran consulting trauma therapist said, something about how “You’ll always hear people say, ‘If she’d left ten years ago she’d still be alive!’ But, in my experience, sometimes if she’d left ten years ago she would have been dead ten years ago.” This wasn’t at all an argument to encourage victims to stay. It was simply to impress us all that DV intervention can be like defusing a bomb. It’s where angels should fear to tread too hard. We learned to be terribly careful about what “wires” we “cut” in the name of helping people. Even if someone got out safely and stayed out following the traditional shaming exhortations, it could saddle survivors with all the more burden of blame and shame that they’d already been inundated with by their abusers. The damaging psychological legacy of this kind of “helping” treatment was what Stark and Flitcraft called the “second injury” of domestic abuse.
Again, by hook or by crook it’s amazing you escaped but I still wonder if a different, more holistic approach might also have broken through the paralysis.
This !
If there’s any lesson I learned from working in advocacy is that “kind, kind, kind with a side of kind” is the best approach to survivors… along with stinky, hilarious mockery of abusers and their many sneaky, elaborate control tactics. How terrible the abuse experience must be that the victims of it are the ones who most need “forgiveness” and understanding for remaining in the situation.
But that forgiveness and understanding is incredibly liberating. I think the major “ballast” that weighs down and prevents many survivors from fleeing is the burden of shame and blame that not only abusers but bystanders and society at large heap on them.
That’s the first thing that attracted me to CL and CN. From experience, I sort of grasped that this community had nailed the perfect formula for salvation of victims of abuse.
Sadly, I suspect this is merely the tip of the “abuse iceberg.” It is what was caught on camera. That is what he is “truly sorry” about… getting caught. Plenty of people get high or drunk but never assault their significant others. Something inside him tells him that he can do this. Truly sick stuff! (Plus, the statement is incredibly manipulative using God’s Name to drive sympathy while denying making excuses while making excuses. Ick!)
My thoughts exactly. This man ran out of his room in a towel to beat her before she could escape. I thought, “My God, what was he doing to her behind closed doors?”
So glad you brought that up! That was something I learned in IPV advocacy– batterers don’t batter because they drink/imbibe but rather imbibe/drink so that they can batter.
It goes back to the disaster of Prohibition in the last century. Though Carrie Nation is largely blamed for setting this off, everyone forgets she wasn’t just some finger waggling marm who hated fun but an embattled activist on the front lines of domestic violence and domestic murder who was only following the prevailing medical view that domestic violence is caused by “demon whiskey.” So what actually led to the catastrophe of Prohibition was the stupid, whitewashing patriarchal apologia that violent men “can’t help it” and aren’t fully responsible for what they do.
Current researchers knows better now. As you point out, domestic abuse is its own kettle of fish involving its own pathology and is separate from substance use disorders. Instead, much like terrorists sometimes use substances to crank up their violent capacity and dull empathy and inhibitions (Norwegian mass killer Anders Brievek bragged about using a drug cocktail for this express purpose in his pre-attack diaries), batterers understand how substances can aid them in doing the thing they already wanted to do (abuse, commit assault) as well as serve as a handy alibi after the fact (“But I was drunk, yer honor…”).
People develop substance addictions for all sorts of reasons, mostly trauma related, which is why victims of abuse are at especially high risk of forming dependencies. Also as you say, the vast majority of addicts are not assaultive. With the exception of specific street and pharmaceutical drugs that can occasionally, all on their own, cause sudden radical personality change and violence in formerly non-violent individuals (some argue this is due to rare genetic susceptibility to certain chemical compounds or interactions), drugs don’t “cause” violence. It’s time society stopped letting batterers off lightly on this lame excuse.
So helpful, “batterers don’t batter because they drink/imbibe but rather imbibe/drink so that they can batter”. Now I understand why he started drinking uncharacteristically while he was abandoning us. Now that I read it expressed this way, it’s clear. Thank you.
Liquid courage for gutless wonders.
Also this!
He WAS fucked up???
Nothings changed- he’s just been caught and like all cowards is trying to weasel his way out of it.
I don’t know what that is, but it isn’t a man.
And save his career. But that’s probably a lost cause.
He’s well known for throwing sex parties with hookers provided, and the word is that some are underage, may even be prepubescent trafficking victims. The celebrities who attend those parties must be scared that it’s all going to come out. He’s also suspected of sexually abusing Usher when he was a teenager. Fifty Cent claims he ordered the hits on Tupac and Biggie. Then there’s the curious story of the dancer Twitch, who some people think was murdered by Diddy and the death made to look like a suicide.
The bottom line is that a lot of people hate this guy for a lot of other reasons besides this incident. It’s pretty clear that he’s a predator.
Maybe he’ll get killed by one of his enemies at some point, or possibly even a celebrity “friend” who’s afraid of being exposed. His security people could be bribed to look the other way. If he ever goes to prison, he doesn’t have a prayer. He’ll probably get it the way Epstein did.
As with many of CL’s posts, this one is personally timely for me.
Just yesterday I came to conclusion I am done with accepting apologies from full grown adults who did something purposefully to hurt someone else. Adults to what they WANT to do, they aren’t toddlers who accidentally knocked over an expensive vase.
I am tired of the accepted cultural trope that someone can just drop a few pretty words and be absolved of something they deliberately did with malice. I’ll believe Diddy is “sorry” when he turns himself in, signs a full confession to all of his crimes, and does his time for them.
As tracy says in so many words, the only way to show true contrition is through your actions.
Too many of us have bought too many “apologies” that are followed with zero actions. I am done with it. “I’m sorry” are not words I will entertain anymore unless you accidentally spilled your iced tea on my new dress. It’s not for when you have committed a grievous physical, emotional, sexual or financial abuse.
“Adults to what they WANT to do, they aren’t toddlers who accidentally knocked over an expensive vase.”
I also noticed he kept say “in that video”. I was disgusted when I did those thigs ….in that video. I’m still disgusted by what I did…in that video. We here at CN talk about FWs saying they “made a mistake”, even when referring to a 2 year affair. It was a mistake, as if it was one singular thing.
Same here with this abuser. That video is not footage of the one and only time he abused Cassie. If it were, it would still be horrific. But it’s not. It is the one time we have video footage of and can see with our own eyes, but that is just ONE incident. And it’s interesting to me that he kept referring to it that way. (It’s probably coaching from his legal team or PR Firm)
Also, just a general comment on abusers and apologies. My FW will instigate fights where out of the blue he sends long angry emails blaming me for everything that is wrong with his world specifically, but also the world in general. And then the next day,or even an hour later he will apologize profusely. Only for this to happen again 3 weeks later. He’s done this more times than I can count. And will continue.
If he truly meant any of those apologies, the angry emails would stop.
Absolutely agree. I’ve been told that I’m being bitter, but I am being vocal about the fact I don’t care about the motivations behind other people’s behaviour anymore. If someone hurts me, I don’t care about an apology. Words are cheap. What are they actually doing to make amends?
I don’t really care if someone didn’t mean to hurt another person when they did something terrible. They still did it. I don’t care if you can explain that their family effed them up – they are still responsible for their actions.
I am sick to death of people getting a pass because they didn’t mean it. Or they have a difficult background. We all have FOOs. And most of us still manage to be good people who don’t harm others.
Precisely. I am watching the second season of the Jinx, and Durst uses a FOO defense so full of lies it’s astounding. He also purposely makes his voice sound more feeble and he fakes disabilities to curry favor with the jury.
That’s the thing about liars, even their excuses are usually lies designed purely to manipulate.
I so agree. Some things are just unforgivable, anyway. So even if they do show true remorse, we don’t have to forgive people who do terrible things.
I don’t know how I feel about forgiveness – it’s a complicated topic for me.
But life has relentlessly reminded me this week that remorse can never be believed when conveyed only in words, it must be backed up in action.
Plus, there is often a type of DARVO inflicted with apologies, “I keep telling you I’m sorry! Now you’re going to be mad at me for ages, and everything is going to be ruined! I just want us to be happy and get along!” …and just like that, the tables are turned and they are some team player who wants everything to be cheery if it wasn’t for my doom and gloom. Forget whatever abuse went down moments ago.
Now they are the victim, and somehow, I am the one that is making the situation bad. It’s the classic, “it’s not what I did, it’s your reaction to it.”
If you can’t tell, I let my head dip too far into the mindfuck blender this weekend.
I hear ya, Notanymore. I’m happy to say I’m now immune from FW mindfuckery, but it takes time and distance. According to my daughter, FW has rewritten history and taken back admissions of fault he made. I’ll leave him to his fantasies and self-delusion.
Not that anyone needs to be a “body language expert” to see what an abusive lying narcissist this dirtbag is but…on u-tube The Body Language Guy did a video on this yesterday…
I remember this guy getting arrested in a nightclub in the 90s for shooting someone in the face and wondering how the hell he still had a career after that. I’m horrified at the stuff coming out about him now and am appalled he’s been allowed to get away with it this long.
Just … ick. I am sparing myself the experience of clicking “play” to hear the apology or to go see the video evidence; the UBT play-by-play is the only way I want to ingest abuser faux-pologies. NPR has a timeline of allegations that shows a pattern of violence dating back decades.
https://www.npr.org/2024/02/29/1234684758/sean-combs-diddy-allegations-timeline
Love all the comments above that are understanding about the cycle of abuse. It may just take mighty to leave a narcissist, but when you add blatant abuse and/or when the Cluster B has a different flavor, it takes so much more. These people literally will not let you leave them. That is part of the reason it takes a victim on average 7 attempts to leave an abuser.
I saw that video, and I was appalled. He knocked her down, kicked her several times, and dragged her around – it looked to me like he was dragging her by her hair, but I’m not sure. That was a felony assault!
AND, he denied he ever assaulted her, so he’s a liar. And he settled her lawsuit although he claimed he didn’t do it.
What a psycho!
Ah yes, he’s not asking for forgiveness. He’s just oozing the demand out with every word he says without actually demanding it. Very well scripted, wonder which of his buddy abusers he had write that for him…