UBT: ‘The Answer Is No’
Hi Chump Lady,
I am asking you to run something through the Universal Bullshit Translator. I am a chump, a mother of six, and have terminal cancer.
I was so caught up in the cycle of abuse with the man I was married to for 27 years and have six children with that I took him back SEVEN times over two years before I filed. I am more than a year out of that finalization.
He cheated on me with a co-worker. He had just switched firms and proceeded to have an affair with a married woman of three who is closer in age to our oldest daughter than to him. (He is still dating her, she is divorced now also.)
I was raising our six children at home and he was “working” longer and longer hours, while I was cheering him on. A few weeks after the first D-day, a year into the affair at least, I found a lump in my breast, was diagnosed with stage one triple negative breast cancer, and started a brutal cycle of chemo and surgeries. I, of course, did the humiliating pick-me dance (bald and sick and skeletal) while he swore he was done with her, and continued that dance for two more years.
I promised my parents I would leave him after the seventh D-Day, two years later, (I suffered through all the weird therapists and books and retreats) when my mom showed me what the cycle of abuse looked like it was a moment of clarity for me and I knew I had to leave.
I was a shell of myself but my older children, my parents, and my friends helped me. I got a great attorney, and three years later after he dragged me through a hellish divorce and appeals, the divorce was finalized. My cancer was gone, I got a full-time teaching job I adored, I had my house, my kids mostly in my care, and my finances in order, boy did I get my life up and running. I rocked it.
I learned healthy boundaries (he is and continues to be very angry I won’t be his friend), worked so hard at no contact, had a great therapist who reiterated this was now a business relationship, and rebuilt my mental, emotional, and physical health. I took care of my oldest daughter through her own shitty scary cancer diagnosis and treatment. I modeled healthy boundaries, and I try very hard to never speak negatively about him even when I hear the things he says about me. I have a peaceful warm loving home and I was thinking I might have paid my dues when it comes to hardships.
I found out my cancer came back at the beginning of this year. I was given two years. but have failed three chemo drugs very quickly, so it’s not looking good for me.
I told him (he already knows of my diagnosis and prognosis) that I am looking to spend a few more hours with all the kids together here this year (not easy with older kids working and in school) at Thanksgiving and Christmas because this is most likely my last holidays with them. I said if a miracle happens and I am still alive next year I will pay him back the extra hour or two. This is the response I received after he said no.
“I will continue to pray for the miracle. I don’t want you to die. I have been more than willing to be polite and kind to you for a long time now. I feel that it is you who continues to maintain this tension.
If you do have limited time, what is the point of all this anger towards me? Why are you still so mean? How hard is it for you to say thank you? All summer, I gave you all the extra time and you could not even thank me once.
(He asked me to take them more because of his work schedule and the kids and I were thrilled about it.)
If you have less than a year, don’t you think it would be important to at least talk to the person who is going to be the most influential in your kids life? To share with me what you want them to know and remember? To keep the great memories they have of you alive? That seems like what a normal person would do. You should set aside your anger for the good of our children.
To me, it feels like you have been trying to model a life of hate towards me for your kids to follow. What kind of legacy is that for our kids?
Maybe you should think about just trying something different. Try forgiveness. Maybe if you find true forgiveness it allows you to see all the good in others and not just the bad. Maybe it works magically and helps you heal from the inside out.
The answer is no. I have given you two extra hours. Say thank you.”
I just need to have this run through the UBT.
Love,
How Can Someone Be So Cruel
***
Dear How Can Someone Be So Cruel,
I really hate this motherfucker for you. I’ve been running this blog for years and I’m still astonished at the depravity out there. If I were you, I’d talk with my lawyer. It sounds like you have older kids. In many states there’s an age where they get to weigh in on the custody order. So if they’re older than 12, I’d let them decide their plans — and I’d also consider an emergency injunction so you can have the holidays. ALL OF THE HOLIDAYS. And fuck him very much. Forever and ever, Amen.
This guy is a MONSTER. And we’re all about slaying monsters here. Fortunately, I have a patented bullshit translator to do the slaying.
“I will continue to pray for the miracle.
That I find my conscience. Are there injections for this? Empathy fillers?
We need a telethon for sociopathy.
I don’t want you to die.
Which is big of me. #bitchcookie
Actually I’m indifferent to your death, as I’d prefer your living torment. But I find this last burst of neediness intoxicating.
I have been more than willing to be polite and kind to you for a long time now.
In that deny-you-your-last-dying-wish kinda way.
(The UBT is beginning to overheat and we’re only a couple sentences in.)
I feel that it is you who continues to maintain this tension.
I just cheat, lie, and deprive you of your children. Why so tense?
If you do have limited time,
How do I know you’re not making up a terminal cancer diagnosis for the sole purpose of denying me a few hours of custody? How can I be sure these experimental drug trials aren’t all about ME?
#projectionmuch
what is the point of all this anger towards me?
I fail to understand your hostility! Am I not a gentle kitten who occasionally litigates? A summer breeze with a wandering dick? A downy soft comforter of sociopathy?
Why are you still so mean?
Why are you still living?
How hard is it for you to say thank you?
Thank you for that much younger girlfriend/partner appliance who will raise your children!
Thank you for 27 years of solid abuse!
Thank you cancer!
WHERE IS YOUR GRATITUDE?
(Clean up in aisle 7! We’ve got bullshit spilling all over the floor. I don’t know if the engines can take much more…)
All summer, I gave you all the extra time and you could not even thank me once.
I fritter caked interns extra crispy all summer! and you could not swashbuckle my knob even once. Gracias, you petunia sniffer! I gave and gave! #extra
(The UBT is spent. This is going to take a lot of coaxing and Lebkuchen…)
If you have less than a year, don’t you think it would be important to at least talk to the person who is going to be the most influential in your kids life?
I need to gloat about your impending death. Can’t you schedule that?
To share with me what you want them to know and remember?
I alone am keeper of your legacy.
To keep the great memories they have of you alive?
If you do not see me, I WILL NOT SAY NICE THINGS.
Of course, I don’t say nice things now, but I might have some sort of impression management occasion to think of your sainted memory, squeeze out a pearly tear, and look heavenward in anguish.
That seems like what a normal person would do.
I’ve been impersonating normal people for years. Did you see my pearly tear? So human, right? #seemslike
You should set aside your anger for the good of our children.
Don’t be angry. For The Children. It’s my favorite cudgel to mindfuck you with.
To me, it feels like you have been trying to model a life of hate towards me for your kids to follow. What kind of legacy is that for our kids?
Don’t you model your life around me? Hate me, love me — isn’t it all about ME?
Maybe you should think about just trying something different.
Punt kicking him into an active volcano? Public stockades? Plutonium in his tea? The UBT has so many ideas!
(Sigh. I just fed it more Lebkuchen. It’s having a hard time staying on point.)
Try forgiveness.
TRY REPENTANCE, Motherfucker! Where’s YOUR cancer?
(I’m sorry, the UBT has gone off the rails completely. Wrestling. For. Control…)
Maybe if you find true forgiveness it allows you to see all the good in others and not just the bad.
Maybe if you put a tooth under your pillow a fairy will give you new breasts and better bone marrow!
Have you found true forgiveness? As a cheater, I’m an expert on forgiveness, magnanimity, and higher callings!
Maybe it works magically and helps you heal from the inside out.
Maybe this cancer is your fault because you haven’t forgiven me. See, if you HAD forgiven me, it would’ve magically healed you from the inside out!
But you’re nasty, so the forgiveness fairy didn’t visit you. #sosad
The answer is no.
The answer is I am a withholding bastard and denying you your dying wish gives me a throbbing hard-on. #FatherOfTheYear
I have given you two extra hours.
Say thank you.
Beg so I can say no again.
***
Please do NOT RESPOND to this freak. Put this exhibition of cruelty in front of a judge ASAP. May your FW spend every holiday alone and shunned.
On behalf of all of CN, prayers for your continued health. You are the mightiest. Big ((hugs)).
Wow. Just wow. The cheater in this case (and every case?) is the last person on earth to be allowed responsibility for the chump’s legacy.
The cheater is so outrageous that a judge, hopefully, will allow whatever flexible schedule is required by mother and each child. And not just for the holidays.
I feel sorrow and admiration for the work ahead, including the modeling the boundaries those children will need.
Thank you Tracy for running this through the UBT and for all your wisdom and for shouting from the rooftops that infidelity is abuse. I don’t know what I would have done without this site during all these years. I’ve copied and pasted many comments here into my Notes over the years because they’ve been so full of wisdom.
It makes me mad at myself for needing any validation but I think I might not be alone in times of extra vulnerability to need someone to tell me that yes this is psycho abusive incredibly narcissistic behavior. I have learned to hardly ever ever ask for an exception to anything – I know the only way to be with him is no contact because in the end I just end up hurting myself more with
his cruelty. I believed this time I would get an easy sure that’s fine. Why am I still surprised?
I am not worried about his threat about carrying my legacy and memories of me. I have always been present for my kids and they have scrapbooks and letters and are old enough thank God to have strong memories. We all have a very close relationship. He cannot say the same by any means.
Meanwhile I have been and will continue to fight like HELL to live. I just arrived in Florida today for an experimental treatment and I started a new chemo drug this week. I have my first grandchild coming next spring to my oldest and his wife and a wedding in fall for my daughter. I am scared sometimes, I try to never dwell in the unfairness but I try to take one day at a time. I love being alive. I am desperate to stay here.
I have you add that this incredibly selfish, arrogant, psycho man would have been zero support for you under any circumstances. If you had never filed he would still be using all the woman he did sexually and sitting on the edge of your bed pretending to care. I give you great applause for getting this incredibly abusing man out of your life. Even if I had one more week to live, however sad that is, I would still be so grateful both my cheaters are out of my life. I know they’d be having affairs with any nurse, CNA, home health worker, just anything that walked by if the nod was given. It is such a low life to be tied to in marriage. Freedom to live well however long we have is a reward in itself. You are free, now get on with chemo and life. You give me so much courage. Your legacy is here with us too.
I would ask the question “How can this Cheater try and make such a terrible situation all about themselves and sleep at night?” But I know the answer; it;s because Cheaters only care about themselves. I was going to use something a little more “forcefully Anglo-Saxon,” but I think that I’ll stick with “this man is truly odious.”
I can only hope that How Can Someone Be So Cruel (and her children) can find some peace in what time she has left.
LFTT
LFTT, Yes. I think this incredibly sad situation just goes to show that there is nothing that will change or shame a FW. The other day, a letter was asking “how can they be happy when they abandoned their kids?” and the answer is, they will do whatever they need to in order to get what they want. They will abandon kids, or allow kids to go without, they will leave a spouse of decades, they will deny a dying woman a few more hours with her kids. There is no “line” they won’t cross. That’s also why sometimes the cheater kills his chump spouse.
Write a legacy letter … one to each of your children (or a series expressing your thoughts on any number of subjects) and provide copies to a trusted and loving family member. Your words and their memories of you … their beautiful, sane, and loving mother … will shine forever.
That horrible excuse for a human being? Not so much. Sending love and support to you…
I also recommend recording something… audio at least, but visual is nice. They’ll want to hear your voice as well as read it.
That’s a great idea.
Obviously this particular situation is more extreme and stark than the usual, but in the bigger picture this is entirely consistent with normal cheater attitudes. To wit:
OK, but what about me? It is always all about them, even if you’re dying. Even if the kids are going to lose their mother, the most important aspect to them is always “how will this affect me?”Aha! An opportunity to extract concessions! Any change or chink in your armor is an opportunity for them to extract more. It may be time or money or, in this case, absolution.
This guy is a grade-A asshole with all the empathetic capabilities of a cracked half-brick, but I bet none of this is new behavior for him. OP’s mistake was thinking that there was some level below which he wouldn’t sink – that he would recognize this as a uniquely tragic situation and alter his behavior accordingly. He didn’t and he won’t.
How old are the kids? Can OP just explain the situation and ask them to come for both Thanksgiving and Christmas anyway, even though it violates the custody agreement? What’s her XH going to do about it? [I learned this strategy from my XW. I used to say her attitude was “better to ask forgiveness than permission” but then I realized she never asks for forgiveness either, so it’s more accurately summarized as “what are you gonna do, sue me?” Maybe OP needs to take a more relaxed attitude towards her legal obligations, given the circumstances.]
I pray that letter writer gets a LOT more time with her kids. No matter the cost, I agree to run this to a judge so a judge can formally tell this asshole to fuck off. This is the most abhorrent communication. May there be a hell and may FW long burn in it. I’m glad letter writer got some time away from this sorry excuse for a human being.
I am so so sorry. There are no words for someone so heartless. My heart breaks for you, for all of the folks I met last weekend, and for anyone who has to live the pain of being treated so horribly by the person we trusted most. Close your eyes and feel the arms of thousands of fellow chumps around you. You are not alone and your beautiful soul will live on in your children. Take care.
Dear HCSBSC:
I’ve been on this site almost since the beginning and I have to say, this is probably the most vile letter from a FW I’ve seen yet. I am so sorry you have to deal with someone who is so completely without any redeeming value as a human being. Please listen to Tracy take all the time you and your kids need to be together over the holidays and for whatever time you have left, even if it’s 40 years. And no need at all to worry about your legacy – your kids have seen you model strength and love and boundaries. Nothing the FW could do or say could change that.
This one struck me as the worst too. It is shockingly evil. I didn’t think FWs could surprise me anymore but apparently I was wrong. This guy found a new low.
Completely agree. His response absolutely shocks the conscience & shows his depraved heart. I have little doubt a judge would see it that way, too.
Wow, what a horrifically evil man. My ex was plotting to kill me and he is a pedophile who was caught attempting to meet an 11 year old for sex and that letter took my breath away. The evil is palpable.
I mean, he’s basically saying “fuck you and the kids! What about ME!” over and over and over again in that letter. There’s still a part of me that wants to believe someday they can grow up but no, they can’t. I should’ve learned that by now but it still smacks me in the face when I see it so blatantly exhibited like your FW did here.
I’m so sorry this is happening. I have a lot of cancer in my family and have lost a lot of people I love. It is such an awful disease. I hope you do get that extra time with your children and I’m praying for a miracle so that you can be around for many more Christmases. Please try not to let this awful man’s words get to you. He is scum. He will never have any bearing on your legacy. Your children know you and love you, they will remember your love for them and how you cared for them, even when you were struggling with illness. I hope you and your children have a wonderful Christmas.
I’m trying to wrap my head around this monster’s letter and the thing that makes most sense to me is that he’s mad that she’s taking attention away from him with her cancer. Like how dare you possibly die from cancer and make me look bad? I had all this wonderful holiday sparkly tinsel shit planned and now you’re taking it away from ME with your illness!!!! The anger and hatred here are palpable and frightening. This guy might be part of what made her sick in the first place.
What a complete dick. I have no words.
My heart goes out to you and your children. You rocked the sane parent and suceeded on gaining a new life. Your children had a front seat to your mightiness. They will not forget.
I wouldn’t respond. I would have your attorney file a motion to have your kids 100% over the holidays. Don’t tell him–just have your attorney send to his aattorney. Attach this BS and anything else he sends your way regarding the holidays. Take him to court, which might not even happen once his attorney gets involved, I bet he folds like a big tent. Expose him for the douche asshat FW he is. His own words will bring him down.
Get your legal documents in order as well. If your kids are old enough, maybe someone else besides their deadbeat dad can get custody of them. And make sure your finances are in a trust for your kids were FW can’t touch.
Hugs.
“the person who is going to be the most influential in your kids life”
I want to respond to the presumption the FW dad is making–that he believes he has influence in his children’s lives. HE DOES NOT KNOW THAT! Just because you are a sperm donor, doesn’t make you a de factor sane parent. Any of his 6 children might poke him in the eye, especially if this missive comes to light. I suspect this is indicative of a wider pattern of behavior, that I’m sure his children are aware of. I feel he’s going to get a big dose of reality thrown his way.
Children navigate their own relationships, especially as they get older. Asshat has been playing all sad sausage to my D27 about his S24 barely having a relationship with him. Can we say consequences?
She really needs to share his letter with the older kids. They need to see exactly what a vile piece of crap he is. If she does pass away, and I hope she beats this cancer, of course, he probably will whitewash himself and the whole affair and maybe even try to make her look like the villain. A monster like this is capable of anything.
Yes, and have copies of the letter made for the younger kids to read when they get older. Her children need to know what a monster their father is.
This letter will give her younger children some insight into who he actually is.
So sorry to hear about your health diagnosis. My heart goes out to you & your kids. I hope you will get to share many precious moments together. I would tape a video; along with writing a letter to your kids so they will always have your voice, your image, along with your comforting words. Your ex is a waste of space & I pray that your kids will overcome his obvious narcissism & have a beautiful life in honour of their loving mother. ❤️
Making a video is a really good idea! The last thing you’d want to be doing is leaving it to that monster to be keeping your memory alive for your kids HCSBSC! I hope and pray that you have all the time you want with your kids and that your passing is a peaceful and pain-free as possible. I bet they love you to bits and will want to be there for you as much as possible!
Bloody Hell! I read that letter with my gob so smacked, it’s a wonder I’ve been able to shut it again! It’s outrageous! He is EVIL!
I’d second CL and say yes, take that vile letter to a judge, or to your solicitors/lawyers and let them deal with him!
What a stinking, worthless, thundering pile of shite he is!
P.S How Can Someone Be So Cruel, I’m so sorry you are being put through this! His sadistic vindictive cruelty on top of cancer. I don’t know what else to say except I’m sending you hugs!
I mean … we’ve seen a lot of truly soulless people on this blog, but I think this may be the all-time champion FW. The mind reels.
Question: What happens if you just keep the kids for those extra hours? You know, just
defy the agreement. They gonna arrest a woman who is terminal? Take your kids?
That would take a long time to wind its way through the courts. I am not a lawyer, and this may be waaay more trouble than it’s worth, but I have to admit that the thought crossed my mind. The older kids get to decide where they want to be anyway. How old is the youngest?
I had the same thought. Just keep the kids. Probably not a sound legal strategy.
🤣🔥😂
Wow! I thought my ex was heartless, this cheater takes the prize. What a reprehensible tool! I hope the OP can get her precious time with her children over the holidays. IMO her older children should take a stand and set the FW straight on his heartlessness. Her legacy is her incredible mightiness!
I truly wish that I could vigilante this piece of shit off the planet.
And I wish I could make you well and whole and healthy.
Your kids are smarter than you know. Set up a trust, legacy recordings, documents.
Shallow pieces of shit show themselves.
Well said. I don’t think I have ever been so affected by a post. To think how this evil, depraved man must fake his way through life, acting like he is a normal human being is so frightening.
He (and the fear of others like him) is why I don’t do online dating. The thought of being fooled into thinking this creature is a human being is terrifying to me.
This is why I think background checks into anyone you’re seriously interested in dating are probably a good idea.
Malignant Narcissism on display.
Absolutely! I think M. Scott Peck would have included him in his book “People of the Lie”!
Yes, he belongs in that (altogether depressing but illuminating) book!
I’ve been reading these stories every day for years and dayum this one take the cake. This guy makes my ex look like Mother Theresa, and he put me through hell. One shining happy thing in this letter, you divorced this monster, took charge of your life, parented your kids with grace and strength and modeled resiliency and morals and self-love for them. Nothing will ever take that away from your kids! Regarding the holidays, get it in front of a judge asap, and I’m inclined to agree with someone else here who said just big fat keep them for holidays anyway. What’s he going to do? Call the police? Drag them out of your house physically? On second thought maybe he would, seems there is no low he won’t stoop to. Look, if all else fails, can you celebrate the holidays with your kids on a pretend day? Complete with the meals, the stockings and gifts, the whole bit? The dates don’t matter, the memories do! Best of luck to you… you mighty woman
I’m so sorry. You didn’t deserve any of this bullshit. I hope the doctors are wrong and they find a treatment that works for you. I hope you know that your family and friends are the keepers of your legacy, not the asshole sperm donor.
Also, what Tracy said-show it to a judge. And maybe that judge will give partial custody to a family member when you are gone.
WOW. I gave up trying for the civilised divorce relationship over a 16 year old put on a train that was bound to end up as a rail bus for the last part of the journey.
Personally if medical treatments allow I would beg, borrow or steal some money and take myself and the kids to a cheap motel for Christmas and let Sir sue me after the fact.
Please block the *** on all platforms so he is not in a position to send another missive of this type.
I agree. Just TAKE the time with the kids and this a**hole can pee up a rope. Do what you have to get done and think about the consequences later. I guarantee there won’t be any consequences. Even this POS doesn’t have that much nerve.
How Can Someone Be So Cruel, I am so very sorry. FW isn’t just cruel… he’s a MONSTER. Probably a sociopath or psychopath.
I agree with others that you should write individual letters to your children. You can control the narrative and how they remember you.
Please seek legal counsel to get this before a judge so that you can have the time needed with your children. Hopefully someone will step forward and allow you to spend the holidays you and your kids deserve together.
He’s only saying no because he feels empowered and wants to control you. He wants you to thank him and beg him on your knees. FUCK. HIM.
And when it’s all over and you are gone, trust that FW’s letter with someone who will share with them how you fought to be with them and what he wrote to you. How he didn’t want to allow you that time. Because in the end, they will still have to deal with him. And they need to be aware of who he is and be protected from his abuse.
I am so very sorry for all you are dealing with. You are mighty.
I thought the same thing…the letter should be entrusted to someone and when the kids are adults, struggling with this thing of a father (and they will have problems with him) they should read this letter. It will let them know exactly who and what they are dealing with
HCSBSC,
I’m so incredibly sorry for everything you are going through, and I wish there was a way to say so that even remotely conveyed how much I mean it. I can’t truly grasp what you are dealing with, it’s just too much and so very unfair.
As many other have said, I’m certain this is the worst FW story I’ve read here. I hope that you read all the advice here and are able to implement it so that you can spend as much time with your kids as possible. If you need a lawyer, and can’t afford one, post a GoFundMe. There isn’t a human alive that wouldn’t support it. And yes, leave your legacy in the hands of someone you can trust so that as your kids grow, there is someone there who can hold your rightful memory for them.
We all want to say that we thought nothing could shock us after reading this blog for awhile, and yet there is always some FW that manages to outdo all the others. I think what we can all take away from this is that your ex husband is not special. He’s an abuser that only cares about himself, much like many others have experienced. The only real difference is that your specific and incredibly difficult situation gave your FW the opportunity to go lower than most of us would care to believe anyone could. When someone is truly that selfish, they don’t have boundaries. No matter WHAT those around him are going through, all he cares about is himself. No matter how absurd it sounds to rational and caring people, it’s a very straightforward thing for these abusers. Everything is about them. Even when their ex wife is dying and wants * a few hours* more with her kids. It’s truly disgusting. May that man live the life he deserves.
I checked the links, read the definition of abuse, and even copy/pasted from the list of emotionally abusive behaviors: blaming, criticizing, guilting, ridiculing, dismissing, accusing, verbally berating. I notice LW’s cruel former husband’s letter hit her with all of them. He is still abusing. (Of course he is: Lying liars lie, abusive abusers abuse.)
I am so glad she has access to an excellent therapist to help her navigate FW’s sadism.
This scenario also sadly proves rule #1 I created for myself when dealing with an abuser: Never, ever let them know something is important to you. I join CL and CH in sending nothing but love to LW.
“Never, ever let them know something is important to you.” This is such great advice!
OMG. I almost wish I didn’t read today’s post. I really want that psychopath to suffer. Calling him a psychopath is actually an insult to psychopaths. I’m not very religious but I swear I am going to pray for a miracle for you.
Triggered by the cancer diagnosis. I was 40 when diagnosed with stage 4 and told to put my affairs in order because if chemo didn’t work, they had nothing more for me. My daughters were 8 and 10 at the time.
My FW and I had not custody/visitation agreement — he didn’t want one. He never took them on vacation unless his current squeeze thought he should. Still, they adored their fun-loving dad.
I was warned it would be a brutal chemo and likely to hospitalize me for a couple of weeks. The dad did not want to commit to that level of taking care of his daughters, so I asked my sister-in-law, a woman with 4 children whom I knew to be someone who loved children. She had them for 6 months.
The chemo left me bed-ridden 5 days out of 7 initially which eventually tapered down to 4 days. So chemo on Thursday, in bed Saturday and Sunday, back to work on Monday.
The kids returned but now their dad was asked to pick them up from school on Thursday and keep them until Sunday evening. Even he saw how selfish that would be.
The first Monday I dropped them off, I was called into the Heads office. Apparently my ex didn’t want to pick up the kids by 6, so there was a substantial fine because he was an hour late which was to be paid in cash to the staff person who had to stay. A fine for both Thursday and Friday. I explained my situation and asked if I could pay the fine each Monday morning to the staffer who stayed late.
About a month into this year long nightmare of chemo and not knowing, he told me he couldn’t take them for a weekend because he was exhausted from childcare and he needed a weekend vacation.
I told him to either take the kids or drop the vacation because I was too sick to safely tend to kids. He found another solution.
It’s now years later and obviously I’ve survived cancer.
My older daughter (now in her 40’s and with 2 kids of her own) told me she thought her dad had changed a lot and is a much better grandfather than he was a father. She said she still can’t get past the fact that he wouldn’t take care of them when I was so sick. She can’t get past that he didn’t love them enough to focus on their trauma of having a mother close to death (she said no one told her I was dying; it was something she deduced by how quiet other adults and her teachers became around her.)
OMG, Emma. This is horrific. I’m SO glad for you and your kids that you are a survivor. I thought it was bad enough how many FWs walk away from their kids altogether but this type of behavior when the other parent is *dying* is next level. I’m just gobsmacked. I said about the OP’s story that I’m speechless and I feel the same here. On your behalf, I want to scream in your FW’s face that you are a million times better parent than he can ever dream of being, but we all know that he would still think he was the best. This is worse than man-child/not wanting responsibility behavior. This is pure evil.
Dear How, sending you and your children warm thoughts from the UK. It’s hard seeing that the person you loved is, in reality, a monstrous replicant of a human being. It’s time to put yourself firmly first and do what works for you. If it works for you, it will work for your children. As for the replicant, I suggest that you ignore him and do what you want. I would celebrate the various holidays on every day when the children aren’t with him and do something special with others on the days when they are.
I completely agree with this – I would ignore him entirely and just keep the kids for the holidays. Tell the older ones – show them this letter – and then just keep them. He can and will go to Hell.
He wins the award for biggest douchebag in the universe. Talk about perspective! Healing thoughts for the mighty Chump and an endless itchy patch in an unreachable place for this prince of darkness.
Wow – and not in a good way.
Firstly, I am so sorry about your diagnosis. I realize the odds are poor, but I also hope that you beat them.
Secondly, I suggest making photo albums for each of your kids; video and audio recordings too. There is something about hearing a loved one’s voice that really brings them back. If you have the time and energy, a book of memories for each of them too. Funny stories about yourself, them, recipes, friends, family. Even some of the astounding gaffes you survived. Discount FW – he should be significant by his absence. You don’t have to cut him out entirely from everything unless you want to do so – but he’s not THE STAR.
It sounds like at least one or two of your kids are old enough to tell FW to go piss up a rope and spend absolutely NO time with him if that is what they want (HS and a job = bugger off, Daddy Dearest). They may go with the younger sibs just to stare rays of death at FW and Schmoopie and to run interference when he slanders you, but they should be able to choose to stay with you if they wish.
He needs to have a spiked dildo that has marinated in ghost pepper juice inserted where it will hurt him the most. May life provide the opportunity and means.
I am speechless. I want to cry and scream for HCSBSC. What a FFFW. I sincerely hope a court will see this cruelty and allow her all the holidays with her children. We all know FWs are the only ones who matter but WOW, I guess I’m naive, but I would have thought the FW here would want to get the kibbles for gratitude from HCSBSC and the kids–you know, so he can brag about how magnanimous and wonderful he is. There’s a special place in hell for people like him. My mind is blown.
This this this!!!! I write as I cry human tears..THIS IS HOW FAR AND HOW LOW THEY GO!! This would be true of any cheater given the opportunity. My two cheaters would have zero trouble sinking to the bottom of this human emotions lake. It takes my breath away. But a sociopath -like person? This is nothing more than robotic feelings where the brain of a caring human could never go.
First, you are more than mighty and I applaud your mighty life. You live on here with us at CN and in all our hearts. What you lost in this crocodile 🐊 spin you in the water this drown my loving x wife now– man”reptile, .what you have lost is a sperm donor without a brain or a heart. Let your family keep your memory alive. Give the oldest kindest child what you want her/ him to share with the others. They will help you. A good friend can do this too. Writing letters to each of them, recording your hopes for them…dreams for them. Put this in the hands of someone who can forward them when the time comes. At 35 my daughters brain matured and she could hear me. Your legacy lives on. Plenty of saints died before things changed, your beautiful life lives on as mighty. What an example!!!! Your reptilian former jerk is not even human, I am sorry. You are free from him and you can leave forgiveness totally in God’s hands..he reads hearts( IMO) and will deal justice. I am only a Chump but I appreciate the front row in hell scenario but there may be worse. Hold your head up. You forgave, you did not smother him with his own pillow during the D day dances. He had zero love then and has not changed at all. Sending you Healing showers of true love and admiration. Be at peace, you have done amazing!!!!
I think recording things for the kids is a great suggestion because one of the things you miss most with the dead loved one especially a parent, is the sound of their voice. To be able to hear that again, would be a great blessing for so many.
Dear How Can,
Like some others, I find this the most poisonous note from a FW I’ve ever seen on this site. As I was reading it, I actually thought, “HOW is the UBT going to isolate and spit out the poison in this one?” The note is that craftily designed to hurt. But the UBT, despite some amazing (actually brilliant) hiccups, prevailed.
My own experience with an insidiously sadistic FW is that the fewer words you ever have to exchange with this person, even over email, the better. So you might consider trying never to ask your ex for anything, even something as precious as extra time with the kids. (Use the courts instead, if the courts can help.) But it’s your call in each instance, as the time with the kids is indeed so precious that might be worth it to you to just make the request and then deal with the ensuing venom by ignoring it.
When someone is this cruel, “believe that they suck” means “believe that nothing will soften their sheer intent to hurt.” I’m so sad even to be writing these words! (And I’m reminded of some awful moments with my ex, even years after we divorced.) You deserve so much better.
I think The Divine Miss Chump’s idea of writing a legacy letter to your children is a great one. But even if you decide not to, you’ve given them your legacy, including the model you’ve given them of someone who exits the abuser’s field of play and rebuilds a life based on love, perseverance, and integrity. I send hugs and wish you all strength.
It really is hard to imagine the level of sadism and malice intrinsic in this poisonous letter. How truly evil this man must be. Some people really ARE just as bad as we think they are, with no redeeming qualities. This letter should be revealed to as many people as possible, and this man should be shunned by all decent people. I’m tired of seeing so many truly bad people go unpunished, skating through life.
It takes a lot to shock me these days, and yet I am totally at a loss for words here about the horrific abuse he’s still heaping on this mighty mighty mother and her children! The complete depravity and lack of humanity of this cheater! Absolutely galling! I am so damn pissed off about it and I seriously cannot even begin to imagine how upset, mad & sad your whole family must be right now. Oh my soul, honey.
I had to do a double take to make sure this wasn’t an older letter from the late Catherine Kassenoff, another custodially-challenged mother who lived with terminal cancer – and she lost custody of her children because her FW litigator spent $3 million in legal fees and allegedly bribed family court staff. It’s clear to me now that this is not Catherine Kassenoff at all, but I’m learning that these horrible stories of FWs taking the kids away from mothers with terminal illness are sadly, not as uncommon as one might expect. Again, I really am speechless at the FW’s depravity here. My god.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-12510195/amp/Allan-Kassenoff-sues-TikToker-Robbie-Harvey.html
Thank you for posting about this horrible case. This evil POS Allan Kassenoff was forced to resign from his job because the outrage over this case of abuse of a dying wife was so intense – people kept contacting the firm and didn’t want to do business with them. There’s more but people can read about it here (it’s a good synopsis): https://msmagazine.com/2023/06/12/allan-kassenoff-resigns/
I’d love it if this POS never ever lives this down.
This evil – and I do mean EVIL – man is going to Hell. His reservation is already booked. You can’t talk or even deal with someone who shows so little compassion and basic human kindness towards a person who is likely to die soon. A life companion of decades. The mother of his children (who hopefully now shun this evil bastard). Dear Lady HOW CAN – make sure all your children see this missive from their father. They need to know what this man is like. That is truly one of the most disgusting things I have ever read and he is a vile person.
As for you, death can come for any of us at any time and sometimes it holds off longer than we think. I will pray for your miracle. I’ve had cancer, husband has had it, so many of us have – you’re not dying with cancer, you’re living with it, and you may have longer than you think. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that so many Chumps end up with cancer and I think it directly relates to enduring marriage with an evil person like your husband. Abusers like him I think are one of the root causes of cancer and other serious illnesses in abused and abandoned spouses. Getting them out of our lives may actually be part of the recovery process – maybe even a cure.
Don’t have anything to do with him, don’t even respond to him. If they’re old enough (or when they’re old enough) show this message to your children and let them decide who they want to spend the time with. In the meantime, tell it to the judge. This man needs to be put in his place.
This is one of the most appalling letters I have ever seen, this cheater truly is one of the most vile creatures In existence. The posted idea of a legacy letter for each child is a great one. Leave them with your words, not venomous ramblings or whatever this pustule spews out. Get the lawyer on the phone, you have nothing there to work with.
Basically, this pile of excrement wants her to use her time to white wash his cheating, lying self.
HCSBSC, I am so glad you gave this poppycock to the UBT. It is the ONLY place for this nonsense, and the UBT did not disappoint (thank you, CL!).
You are so mighty, truly LEGEND among CN. Thank you for sharing this latest mindfuckery with us. We are all stronger together.
Long live you and CN. <<BIG HUGS>>
This letter from the ex is beyond extreme, but it strikes at what I wrestle most with now . . . forgiveness and being friendly “for the sake of the kids.” I try to explain to my children (all now in their 30s, married, and beginning to have kids of their own) that this is just something I cannot do. I have tolerated being in the same space with my ex and his (still) girlfriend for weddings and birthdays, but I will not do more. It is an eternal shit sandwich that my ex attempts to use this against me, presenting himself to the kids as such a nice guy, ‘cuz he is so eager to be my buddy now and let bygones be bygones. (And . . . “See? I was right to leave such a bitter and angry person.”) No one would expect me to be friendly with someone who abused me physically. Yet few people understand that the emotional abuse and trauma of years of lying, gaslighting, betrayal, and fighting me tooth and nail on $ can be equally (near-equally?) damaging. It is just not healthy for ME to be near or have any contact with my ex. Period. And I also feel like I actually would set a bad example for my children in becoming his “friend.”
[Interestingly, apparent the girlfriend has become more friendly with her ex and now spends time hanging out with him in his (their former family) home. Hence, my ex’s increased desire to do the same with me. He presents this to the kids as the girlfriend and her ex being so sane and mature for the sake of their kids. But, as my daughter confirms, he actually is quite bothered by it – and now wants to use me for retribution in a way.]
This woman (HCSBSC) is incredibly strong and has set an amazing example for her children (and all of US!). (Thank you for your letter.) I hope she well understands and can find solace in that. I wish her peace and the support and comfort of family and friends in the days to come.
And thank you to all for letting ME vent this morning . . . 🙂
This FW is horrid. Doing an early dance on your grave while demanding forgiveness and gratitude from you.
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and praying for your health. In the little time you have left, please block this FW out of your thoughts and focus on you and what gives you peace and happiness. HE IS NOT WORTH WASTING A BREATH ON.
Fuck this guy. I think this might be the first time where I want to know a cheaters name and address. I’m so angry for HCSBSC.
Me too. I wish she would blast this story all over SM with his real name and his area of residence included. The negative reaction might get him to change his mind about giving her the extra time, just to try to salvage the tatters of his reputation.
This story is beyond heartbreaking. 😢
“You should set aside your anger for the good of the kids” .. maybe you should have set aside your D!ck for the “good” of the kids. FW.