UBT: “I will return with a fuller love for you”

Universal Bullshit Translator

There’s nothing like a good serving of cake to make cheaters really appreciate their chumps.

Shana submitted this gem to the Universal Bullshit Translator and says it was from an exchange of emails with her husband as he worked overseas. She asked him:

“Are you seeing someone, having sex, etc.?”

“I really appreciate the courage and strength it took for you to ask me this directly. I love you and respect you too much to lie to you even though this will hurt. Yes, I have met someone here that is important to me, and I have been together with her. The details of it really don’t matter. What matters is that I will return to you and the girls with a fuller love for you than I had when I left. You know how deeply I love the girls and how important it is for me to be in their lives. That hasn’t changed. I also still love you and it’s important to me to be in your life.”

Now to fire up the UBT…

I really appreciate the courage and strength it took for you to ask me this directly.

Busted!

I really appreciate the courage and strength it takes for you to keep being my chump.

 I love you and respect you too much to lie to you even though this will hurt.

But I don’t love and respect you enough to not cheat on you. Really Shana, the problem here is the truth. You insist on damaging honesty, even though you KNOW those mean, ugly words take courage and strength to hear and will hurt you with their polysyllabic cadences. I blame adverbs, participles, and the Oxford comma.

Yes, I have met someone here that is important to me, and I have been together with her.

And can you fault “togetherness”?

The details of it really don’t matter.

I don’t care to tell you the details. Like if I endangered your health in any way, or got an Important Person pregnant. Such trivialities, like your basic well-being, really don’t matter.

What matters is that I will return to you and the girls with a fuller love for you than I had when I left.

What matters is my entitlement. What matters is that I return to YOU! and the kids! My primary source of kibbles! Aren’t you the lucky ones to win the wonderfulness that is ME? Sure, I may fuck around with Important People I Just Met, but I always come home to you! With deeper wells of bullshit and mindfuckery than before.

My love is fuller. Riper! It swells like a fetid pustule on my ass and bursts only for YOU.

You know how deeply I love the girls and how important it is for me to be in their lives.

You know how deeply I hate consequences and how important it is for me to avoid them. I love being in our children’s lives so much that I work overseas and cheat on their mother. #fullerkindoflove

That hasn’t changed.

I’m still a douchebag.

I also still love you and it’s important to me to be in your life.

As an aside, I still love you how you are of use to me! It doesn’t matter if you don’t want me in your life, it’s all about what’s important to ME.

I didn’t say you are important to me. (Like the OW is Important To Me.) I said having you in MY LIFE is important to me. Doing stuff like raising my progeny, folding my underwear, and swapping out the AC filters. I need a chump so I can attend to the important work of ME-ness. You wouldn’t want to fuck that up, would you?

Shana? Fuck that up.

Sincerely,

The UBT

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Better Alone
Better Alone
7 years ago

Shana,
Exact same script from my STBX, except he wasn’t overseas. Run, show him some honesty and do teach “the girls” that a decent man would never cheat on the mother of the children he claims to love so much.
Chump Lady, how did you know about the AC filters???? No seriously, it is eery! 🙂

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Better Alone

Saw some research this weekend that suggests men with sons stay with the mother of their children longer.

(Not suggesting anything or failing to disclaim any other arguments. Merely reporting on a finding.)

HopeAndGloria
HopeAndGloria
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Yes there was an article in 1847 magazine last month about the findings. But I don’t think the conclusion was that men stay longer if they have sons — I recall it was that both men AND women are more likely to keep the marriage together for longer… not forever necessarily, just for longer (despite however ‘good’ or ‘bad’ the marriage might be) if there is a son, or more importantly that the first born isn’t a girl.

I love 1847 and the Economist, but I thought the article made fathers come off as looking stupifyingly immature, selfish and callous — the old ‘I wanna Mini-Me! That thing over there is a baby girl, NOT a Mini-Me! That’s NOT what I WANTED. Where’s MINE?’ And it sort of suggested that mothers were emotional limpets who were willing to bite the bullet on any crappy marriage just to keep Big Man engaged with Little Man just a little bit longer. It also hypothesized that mothers were perhaps quicker to get out of bad marriages when they had girls because, it was presumed, they didn’t want to set a bad example of womanhood for their growing girls. Hmm. Maybe, maybe not. Can’t say I was wholly convinced by how worthy they were cutting out the women to be, as opposed to the men.

This may be Chump perspective, but in answer to the why-marriages-with-girls-break-up-sooner conundrum, why didn’t they look at the distinct possibility that some mothers with daughters who start reaching a certain age and gaining new-found sexual attention from entire packs of teen boys and young men sometimes cannot resist competing with their daughters, which will lead to all sorts of shenanigans that will de-stabilise a marriage quicker than you can say Craigslist.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  HopeAndGloria

It was the Economist I believe. And yes, the picture of the father they painted was craven. They stay around because they get more emotional support.

Again, I don’t have kids, and I sincerely hope this wasn’t triggering for anybody.

I have one sibling, a younger sister, and my dad wouldn’t have stayed if he’d been nailed to the floor.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I had two daughters, but Hannibal didn’t leave soon enough in my eyes.

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Hi Ian, I saw that finding too, back in 2003, right before conceiving a girl. I’m a daughter of divorce and was furious but not entirely surprised when her father left us a few years later. Not because he was a cheater, but.

I think it is partly to do with a) dads not being able to see their own childhood or experiences play out in the daughter, and b) the perils of trying to protect a girl from some of the societal bad that just doesn’t happen to boys. And for whatever it’s worth, some fathers aren’t equipped to deal well with girls or women or the feminine at all. Like the guys who plow through hundreds of EAs, PAs, and online relationships with them, lol.

I’m sure something of it could be said of mothers also, and for sure we all bring our own FOO baggage and insecurities to the table. But yeah, I saw that finding back in 2003, and as a daughter whose father abandoned and never came back, I was really, really hurt by what I read. Thankfully my daughter’s dad is 100% present for her, despite having left me to myself. His love for her erases much of the pain he caused me, and I hope his influence helps her to steer clear of confused relationship choices in her future.

Untold
Untold
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Two sons no daughters here, and my wife’s the one that cheated. Maybe it works in reverse too!

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

[Sorry all, I just realized my response was a total derail!]

I agree with the RUN sentiment. Don’t let this guy shape your children’s relationship templates any further. (((HUGS)))

Patsy
Patsy
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

Two sons here, protected me from absolutely nothing.

just another chump
just another chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

Two sons, my POS waited until the kids were grown and his wife/nanny appliance had outlived her usefulness before leaving.

lostandfound
lostandfound
7 years ago
Reply to  Patsy

One son here. Didn’t make a damned difference.

just another chump
just another chump
7 years ago
Reply to  lostandfound

Only damned difference was my POS waited till our sons were adults before leaving.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago

And once again, the entitlement. The grand assumption that the chump will want to take the cheater back, that after a betrayal the cheater will be allowed back into the chump’s home and daily life.

He sounds like he thinks there was always a secret polyamory agreement in place — as in, he can be with others without telling you and you have already agreed to it. Still a douchebag, indeed.

Maybe his very important stuff should find its way into a storage unit while he is overseas. The energy he got from all of that fuller love he has for you and the girls should help him figure out where he is going to live next.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Amiisfree – Your post is spot on!! What is it with these cheaters and them thinking the betrayed spouse wants them and will always be there for them. Somehow these cheaters think they are so desirable, that we’ll hang around no matter what. He’s so convinced that Shana would take him back, like you said the entitlement. I’m SO glad Shana divorced his ass.

Alexa
Alexa
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

And yet.. isn’t that exactly why we are chumps? We do take the cheater back into our daily life. Sometimes more than once.

Shana
Shana
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexa

I did once before so I’m sure he figured I would again. Considered it briefly, then divorced him!

Chumpy
Chumpy
7 years ago
Reply to  Shana

Good for you!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

or like he’s Santa, doling out relational “gifts” if Shana is a good girl (don’t want to get on the ‘naughty’ list!)

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

Ami, you got it right !!! I did not get it right. I ate the shit sandwich while I should have been packing his crap to go into a storage locker next to this guys crap.

He was denying an outright affair but telling me he wanted space and time and was leaving for a trip (where he screwed Susan of Seattle) …he sat on the side of the bed reflecting that “we will likely have to get a divorce and get back together in the future” in order for things to go as he needed them to.

Of course this assumed I would sit in a a corner and politely wait while he relived his single days then he could return at any point he chose to.

Those are the memories that make me scream “Unicornomore!! what the fuck we you thinking!?? that people get THAT shitty and later recover and quit being that shitty?!!? NO!! That degree of shittiness is intractable and permanent!!”

But wait I did …living on a steady diet of shit sandwiches until the Creator of the Universe had enough of his foolishness and swooped him off planet Earth for a talk.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Because other people are not real to them. They don’t see others (including spouses and kids) as have feelings, needs, goals of our own, and this is often exacerbated by chumps making those feelings, needs, goals of their own smaller and smaller over time.

Not This Girl
Not This Girl
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Spot on!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Very well said Lovedjackass!!

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Bingo!

Stayin Strong
Stayin Strong
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I was told (as he was moving out) “I don’t think that you and I are finished yet, I’m sure we will get back together later”. Ummm “wrong”. Speed dialed my attorney.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Stayin Strong

Stayin – They think they will be dictating the terms of the courtship. He was “sure” you would get back together later. Yeah, like you don’t have an opinion about this whole thing and what he says goes. You’re like a toy he can discard and pick up to play with at a later date, because he isn’t finished with the toy yet. These people are unreal.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Kellia

Kelia, that is exactly how our daughter described how their father treated her and her brother. Like they were toys he could pick and play with when he got bored, then put down and ignore when he had other things to do, then pick up again, assuming they’d just lie there until he was interested again.

Doing this to another adult is bad enough. To your own children is despicable.

bamboozled
bamboozled
7 years ago
Reply to  Stayin Strong

My twatwaffle, when asked why he didn’t just file for divorce if he didn’t want to be with me and wanted to be with other women, “because I always thought you and I would end up together again”. Umm no. I filed and I am 2 months post divorce, married for 15, together for 20. He bought a house, moved his girlfriend in, she thinks she’s got herself a gem… more like a piece of glass.

I crashed from not having the constant anxiety of what was going to happen next. I feel like a prisoner that has been set free and can finally see the sun!!

Not this Girl
Not this Girl
7 years ago
Reply to  bamboozled

So happy for you bamboozled!! Hearing that makes me want to keep going and get my sunshine!! Reminds me of the song ” I can see clearly now the rain is gone!! It’s going to be a bright, bright sun shining day!”

bamboozled
bamboozled
7 years ago
Reply to  Not this Girl

Not this Girl my anthem is “Time for me to Fly” by Reo Speedwagon. Man i turn that song up and sing my heart out.

Shana
Shana
7 years ago
Reply to  bamboozled

I felt like a prisoner that had been set free as well. Unfortunately, 19 years with him left me pretty empty. So the rebuilding and redefining of my life is the struggle now. Tuesday is coming!

Pondscumbgone
Pondscumbgone
7 years ago
Reply to  Shana

Bamboozled and Shana I too feel the same, it is as if you both read my mind. I am thrilled to be done with the divorce (1 month this week!!) but I am having difficulty adjusting because my mind (and body it seems) have been in battle mode for the past 6 months. I had to call off work this weekend because I had what felt like the flu, but I know deep down it was my body giving in to the past stress and I needed the break. I’m better today, my pains are gone (especially the one in my ass called my ex) and I’m gaining ground in the “do over” that is now my life.

Bamboozled
Bamboozled
7 years ago
Reply to  Shana

Shana, one day at a time. Do something everyday that is for YOU, no matter how small. We tend to lose ourselves, what we want, who we are, trying to please someone that could not give two shits.

I struggle with figuring out who I am too. Hard to think back to who we were 20 years ago. He was in half of my life, and I identified who I was based on how he treated me. I do however, find excitement in knowing that I can be whoever I want to be. Make plans with friends and stay busy.

LadyStrange
LadyStrange
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I got that too… We need to get divorced, then we can start dating again. Right.

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

I got that line, verbatim, as well. As if I were the dog, waiting at his chair, holding his pipe & slippers until he eventually deigned to return home. Yet another reason he was a jive ass muthafugger.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Waffles

lol @ being the dog with the pipe and slippers. Love the imagery. Yes we’re good ol’ faithful, who will always be there, waiting for them at home, no matter what disgusting and wrongful act they do. Since they believe we so incredibly want to be in their presence, we will always be there wanting them til the end of time. NOT.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  LadyStrange

Well, half right. 😉

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

Yes we should get divorced so we can both start dating….other people forever!

liveandlearn
liveandlearn
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I got the “I was going to return to retire with you” after his fuckfest was over. His moving out for unfettered access to kibbles was “temporary”. I was expected to sit and wait for him with supplemental kibbles.
Of course, he’s all that and a bag of chips, don’t ya know. Still denying the affair the whole time.
Such entitlement from such an asshat.

Lawyered up two days later to receive a rant like no other.

Not This Girl
Not This Girl
7 years ago
Reply to  liveandlearn

Why do they all think of themselves so highly?! Then insult our intelligence and lie about the affair. My STBX just took a random trip to Utah. I called him out when he was telling me he is always here to work on the marriage and missed me. His response, was that he went alone and just wanted to get away (because he has been so devastated about the divorce). He actually said he went there to look at mountains. We live in Southern California and have beautiful mountains just 2 hours away in a car. He doesn’t realize I will be getting his credit cards bills during financial discovery and his words will be proven as Lies, lies, and lies!!

HM
HM
7 years ago

When I discovered my cheater – he said to me “you don’t care about my happiness!! If you loved me, you’d care about me being happy!”

It’s all the same with these bozos.

Rosie
Rosie
7 years ago
Reply to  HM

HM,
I’m sorry we have to hear their jaded version of what happy is… Mine said “don’t you ever want me to smile or laugh again.” He’s aged 10 years and I’m 500 miles away from his fucked up version of happy…all he wanted to do was watch porn and try and wear me down to have a threesome. Let him have his non English speaking whore he wanted. I can finally breath.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  HM

“you don’t care about my happiness!! If you loved me, you’d care about me being happy!” Such a common mindfuck from cheaters…

A counter mindfuck I thought about and wish I had used in retrospect was along the lines of “Au contraire honey, I am divorcing you so that you will be free to find someone who shares your very inclusive definition of monogamous happiness. TTFN!”

Waffles
Waffles
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

Interesting how I was the source of his misery AND solely responsible for his “happiness”. Hrrmm….

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

How’s that working out for him?

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  HM

It’s fine to go “be happy”, if that is what you really want to do. You just don’t get to also be with me while you are doing it.

Let go
Let go
7 years ago

You now have a cheater on your hands. He is going to bring back the idea that cheating is way too important to give up. He will find reasons to “work out of town”, “go fishing”, “stay late for work” etc etc etc. “Gosh, this is fun! I get to have lots of sex with whomever I want and the little woman will stick around.” How about taking that email to an attorney and see if you can use it to prove abandonment. Get you financial ducks in a row and present him with a fait accompli when he shows up.

Let go
Let go
7 years ago
Reply to  Let go

If you have been married over 10 years and you live in the US you can have an income on his Social Security after he dies. I know a man who left as soon as his youngest became 18 so he wouldn’t have to pay child support. The jackass became deathly ill, died, and his chump ex is living nicely on her income and his SS.

Strad
Strad
7 years ago
Reply to  Let go

If you were married for more than 10 years you are entitled to a spousal benefit at retirement even if the ex-spouse is still alive.

onthehill
onthehill
7 years ago
Reply to  Strad

This is correct. IF your ex is still alive, you get 50% of what he gets. BUT you have to wait until you are at FULL retirement age (66). I am sure of this.

I *think* if the ex dies AND you are at least age 62, you get 100% of what he got. The details of that, I am Not sure of.

David
David
7 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

I discovered when I filed this year that my XW claimed both our children. Our MSA states clearly that each parent claims one child and specifically which parent claims which child. I wrote to the IRS and enclosed a copy of our Agreement. XW should be hearing from the IRS any time now.

It’s the karma bus’s little unexpected stops that give me pleasure.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  David

I’m laughing with joy for you. I’d love to see the expressions on these cheater’s faces. It would be hilarious. I prepared all the tax returns in our 28 year marriage. When 2016 tax time rolls around, he will either pay hugely or commit fraud. I suspect the later since we all know what known liars and cheats do.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  David

That’s awesome, David! Their entitlement knows no bounds (and now I’m starting to suspect cheaters’ reading comprehension).

hesatthecurb
hesatthecurb
7 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

Re: SS benefits—-I had NO idea I was eligible for ‘surviving divorced spouse benefits’ from my XH. I got an inkling of this fact from this very site and did some research immediately.

I am happy to announce that just this month, I received my first payment of his full benefit. It is over 4 times what I would have gotten if I had remained uninformed and taken my benefits.

It was a windfall of sorts that I am happy to attribute to just one more time CN has improved my life!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  hesatthecurb

Fellow chumps also led me to figure out that Match Girl admitted in writing that she committed tax fraud and forgery by filing jointly without my consent and claiming injured spouse status pre-divorce.

More rope = more spectacular hanging. I’ll use it as leverage to get my dog back. But I do relish the thought of the IRS kicking-down Match Stick’s door and carting her off to prison. For someone so smart, she’s acting like a fool (in twu lurve).

We shall see.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I can’t believe how stupid, or arrogant, some of these cheaters are that they actually put some of these things on writing. Tax fraud and admissions of adultery. They really do believe there are no rules that apply to them and are beyond not just the consequences of their spouses but the law.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

I know, right?

I’m seeing my lawyer this morning, so I’m catching-up on some notes.

I actually had a tinge of concern for Match Girl once I realized what she’d done with the IRS. I do fear for her mental health and safety. And, I’m not a fan of people getting locked-the-fuck-up. It’s set me off on another round of negative emotions for sure.

I’m really uncertain how to proceed. I was so close, so close, to texting her yesterday and asking her “what the hell?’ But of course I didn’t. No-contact is the way to the truth and the light.

From what I gather, she has surrounded herself with cheater-apologists and her new man. They are all undoubtedly telling her… shit, I don’t know what they are telling her. Monumentally bad advice to be sure.

It’ll work itself out, and I’ll rely on the courts. Thanks for your post, Annie.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I was going to make some humorous or snide remark about the twinge you felt, but I just can’t because I’ve felt it too. It’s because you have a heart and emotions and cannot turn them off because you married a bitch (or me a Fucktard). You’re a good person, and good people have a need to try and protect others from harm. But don’t. DO NOT CONTACT her.

She is a grown woman responsible for herself and her decisions. Talk to your lawyer and let him guide you but do not, under any circumstances, be a party to talking to her about a possible crime she committed. She can turn this around and use it as you having knowledge or helping her in covering up a crime, which is itself a crime. She will drag you into it Ian and claim you knew and assisted her, just by “tipping her off.” Trust me, I do lock people up for a living. Sometimes its good people who made stupid mistakes and that makes me feel bad for them. But other times I lock up complete assholes, narcissists, and sociopaths who have no regard for other human beings and that feels great.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

And I definitely remember what you do for a living. I’m one raw nerve right now so if that came off as a slight, it was in no way intended to be. My job is to defend the rule of law too, I just can’t see it for myself right now.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

You my friend never offend me.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Damn. I know you’re right, Annie. Thank you. I can’t thing straight still.

No worries. I won’t contact her. No-contact is too precious a gift to myself to ever slip, even once. Who the actual fuck did I marry?

I’d much rather have my eyes wide open like they are now, but it’s incredibly painful.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

@Tempest – listen, please don’t tempt me. I want my dog more than I can bear some days. If I didn’t think MG would go full-fuckturd on me, we’d be planning the mission right now.

@HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot & @gonegirl – nothing like the mean nasty ol’ IRS to bring some consequences. $$$???

@unicornnomore – That’s what people in a loving committed relationship do – sacrifice. (Or so I have been told.)

@Linden – I just came to this realization over the weekend. And yes, I need a CPA. It’s so tempting to tip my hand, but the best revenge is served ice-cold. ❅❆❄️❄︎☃?

@Kar marie – you know just what to say! Sounds like you got yourself some good dogs there. Hope you and yours are safe down there in the ?State.

@AliceUnderground – I hope I can get him out too. I haven’t seen him since he was 11 months. He’s what, 18 months now. I was with him since 8 weeks. He loved the snow so much this year, and I have some adorable pictures of him. I didn’t get to be with him in the huge storm this year, and it broke my heart. She’s a bitch.

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Oh yes Ian I hope you can get that poor dog out of there.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian d. Hug for you. Match girl is real bitch.

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Ian, did you file your own return for that year with an accurate reporting? You may need to do that. Get thee to a CPA and get some solid advice in dealing with this situation.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

I married a very nice man who makes a lot more than me and I gave up my “widowed head of household” tax status for love. This year he didn’t owe money for the first time in years. I “took one for the team”.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Well, my ex-POS filed his taxed and claimed the mortgage interest on our marital home that he no longer owned, did not pay mortgage payment and was awarded to me in the divorce settlement. He was audited and his business was audited and had to pay thousands of dollars to the IRS. KARMA! BEAUTIFUL KARMA!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Whaaatt? She filed jointly for 2015 without your signature or documents? That is some hubris. Match Girl must have kahunas the size of grapefruits.

Get your dog back, Ian. (We can always kidnap him by stealth if the tax fraud angle doesn’t work. What are friends for?)

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
7 years ago
Reply to  Ian Dubito

Speaking of tax fraud, my cheater received a Financial Records Summons for his company from the IRS. Funny how that happened. 😉

Sionara
Sionara
7 years ago
Reply to  hesatthecurb

Great going!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

Yes, that last point is correct. If you have been married 10 years and YOU DO NOT REMARRY!!! then your social security will be half of his before he dies and 100 percent of his after he dies. If you qualify for benefits on the basis of your own earnings, you get either your benefits or the ones based on his earnings, whichever is greater … not both. It almost makes one wish they were DEAD. Gosh, that isn’t very nice. I really shouldn’t wish he was DEAD. (All caps so maybe the great one in the clouds might hear me better …)

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Thanks DixieChump–I didn’t realize benefits go to 100% of his after he dies (is that true even if he remarries?).

X is 12 years older than me, is petrified of doctors, and has made 4x what I make for years. I may have a very lucrative retirement. Anyone up for a round-the-world trip in a decade?

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Me too….I’m going to be getting a pretty penny or two.

Maree
Maree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Keep me posted Tempest because I am in. The world won’t know what has hit it !!

strongwoman
strongwoman
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I just found out about ss benefits at a “financial workshop for divorcing woman” this past weekend. I loved hearing that! Count me in for the trip 😀

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

And what if cheater pants remarries? Where does she fit into the social security equation?

Strad
Strad
7 years ago

Additional marriages of the ex-spouse are not relevant to your benefits, only your marital status (if you remarry after divorce)

R Will
R Will
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

If you do not remarry PRIOR to age 60 (or age 50 if you are disabled and receiving Disabled Widow’s benefits, which you can get at age 50). If you get remarried at, say, age 62 then SSA will look at benefits based on your own earnings, benefits off of ex, AND benefits off your spouse’s record and you get to take the HIGHEST.

Source: my friend is an SSA employee and explained it to me.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  onthehill

I was told by a SS worker you can begin collecting widow’s benefits at age 60. I am actually collecting widow’s benefits right now to the tune of about half again what I would have gotten if I would have drawn on my own account. I snicker every month as my bank account is enriched by that extra money.

Shauna, hugs to you. I remember the trauma of D day. Ouch. Lots of good advice here. Getting rid of a cheater is not a fun trip, but OH so worth it. I’ll be keeping you in my prayers.

Tessie
Tessie
7 years ago
Reply to  Tessie

Oops, SHANA….. sorry.

Deedee
Deedee
7 years ago

I heard pretty much the same crap from ex as he set off into the sunset with OW.I was too important to him not to continue to be part of his life.Sadly I was so bewildered and grief stricken that I tried to be ‘friends’and maintain a level of communication with him.That was before I discovered CL.
The so called friendship was all on his terms and led to months of my suppressing my rage,feelings of humiliation and powerlessness,a truly soul sucking experience.Shana,your ex sounds chillingly similar to mine.Do yourself a favour and shut him down ,in the interest of your own sanity and emotional well being.
Things get better when you stop tuning into the mindfuck channel.

AliceUnderground
AliceUnderground
7 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

I did the same, including going no contact after finding CL

Shana
Shana
7 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

He’s gone.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Deedee

He packed his stuff and moved 3000 miles away to “work from” a town where OW was incidentally also “working from”. They lured both me and her fiance into agreeing to this arrangement. He had assured me that the affair was over and they never had sex.

I was so high on hopium I chose to believe him.

He lived there 18 months. Later, after he moved home, he was reflecting on his husbandly goodness and once commented to me that “I never left you”…uh except that you did. He was THAT delusional and had THAT degree of capacity to deny and contort reality.

I still harbor fantasies of running into her in an airport and screaming “Susan of Seattle !! I havnt seen you since you were fucking my dead husband!!!”

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I just burst out laughing because I’m a literal person with a twisted imagination. If I witnessed you running after someone in the airport saying she fucked your dead husband, I would have assumed she was a necrophilia and joined you in the chase. She would soon have a crowd chasing her past various gates with lit torches (I have no idea how we got the torches past the TSA since I can’t have even a nail file), weaving in and out of slower moving families with their carry on luggage and over-sized stroller, chanting, “Corpse Fucker! Corpse Fucker.”

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago

hahahaha!!! part of this imaginary conversation was “he wasnt dead when she fucked him, although it was just as disgusting to me”.

Chatty
Chatty
7 years ago

In the language of my people: what a fuckin’ dropkick. Shana, please tell him he can shove that fuller love where the sun doesn’t shine!

neverwouldhaveimagined
neverwouldhaveimagined
7 years ago

I’m sorry that happened to you Deedee. This letter sounds carefully contrived. This man is a master manipulator who skillfully crafts arrogant emails to insure cake. Thank goodness for the UBT! Let him be the center of someone else’s universe.

Movingon@51
Movingon@51
7 years ago

I got something similar too, and my husband wasn’t overseas ! He needed ” time and space” to let his affair play out , but had every intention of coming home , eventually! He never factored in how I might feel about it and that I might have a choice . Just like everything else in our marriage… I was just supposed to go along with all his plans. Did he ever undersestmate me! All his stuff got packaged up into the garage in a very messy heap and retained a lawyer right away and he did everything to slow down that process for 4 years! Eventually he married the Ow, who is an histionic alcoholic, but he had no other choice. No one else wanted his 350 lb entitled self! Don’t think he’s too happy.. But I am!!! my advice is to do the same. Once the blinders are off … You will see it all, and there’s no putting them back on.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Movingon@51

Movingon- Love it! It’s great he married the histrionic alcoholic, finally someone at his own level. It’s a nice outcome if I may say so myself. It’s unbelievable these cheaters think we’ll just go along with any of their plans, partly because they are SOOOO sure we love them and would do anything to be with them. So you see, of course they are going to speak on our behalf, in their minds we ain’t going anywhere, as in their minds, we can’t live without them. So we’ll agree to any arrangement they throw out there, until we let them know that they’re not that special and we don’t want them after all.

Flowerlady
Flowerlady
7 years ago
Reply to  Movingon@51

“He never factored in how I might feel . . . . . Did he ever underestimate me!” Same here. My cheater said on D-day “we will get through this and we will be better than ever”. I told him “Umm, no, we won’t “. I told him that if he thought I was going to stick around and let this be swept under the rug then he didn’t know anything about me after almost 30 years. I felt totally taken for granted, played for a fool and underestimated. We’re divorced now!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  Flowerlady

good for you Flowerlady!!!

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago

“I love you and respect you too much to lie”

Seriously what is with cheaters and their undying love for the chumps that they just disrespected in the worst way possible? How do their actions equate to love in their tiny little pea sized brains? Nothing says I love you like exposure to an STD or blowing up your children’s lives! Gimme gimme some more of that sweet lovin!!!

And if you call them on it, it’s like you just threw a grenade at their house. So defensive! I commented on a cheater apologist article and my comment indicated that the cheater in question did not love their spouse. I had like 50 cheater assholes attacking me and telling me I “was just assuming that the cheater didn’t love their spouse and I want everyone to be bitter and divorced!”

Hello! Their actions do not say I love you so I don’t have to know that particular cheater or any of them for that matter. I don’t know your husband either, Shana but please run, don’t walk, to a divorce attorney because the only thing your husband loves is not giving up half of his shit and part of his pay check to child support!

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

And of course, at other times we get the opposite side of that! It’s either ‘I love you and respect you too much to lie’, OR ‘I lied because I loved you and didn’t want to hurt you’.

Cheater coins; they win whichever side it lands on. Until we dump them, of course ….

Martha
Martha
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I got, “‘I lied because I loved you and didn’t want to hurt you.” And even better. Our pastor that we were in counseling with back him up on this line!

Raging
Raging
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

“I love you and respect you too much to lie”

Three lies in one sentence about not telling lies.. that’s some five star chef word salad right there.

How about:

“I lie too much to love you and respect you”

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago
Reply to  Raging

“I lie too much to love and respect you.”

Can I get this on a t-shirt in time for Father’s Day? ‘Cuz it’s this or NOTHING!

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago

Love the t-shirt idea for the perfect reconstructed sentence.

Buddy
Buddy
7 years ago
Reply to  Raging

Raging, you should write the book “Disordered for Dummies”

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Raging

Raging,

five-star-chef word salad – man, you are cracking me up.

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago
Reply to  Raging

“I lie too much to love you and respect you”

Brilliant!

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  Raging

Nailed it!

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago

Millions of cheaters, millions of lies god i hate what we go through. And then the ones who wont leave us alone, like asswipe. Crush, kill, destroy. Isnt it enough theyve blown up our lives with their treachery the mind fucking contines. Even from afar. I hope every one here comes out smelling like roses and the cheaters and their him/she hoes rots in hell and have miserable lives. Lie to me, bad partner but my kids? And blames it on me! Be honest no way so much more fun to create havoc and hell. Thank god my children are all grown but dads lies hurt them too as they no the truth he used to be their hero not anymore they just think he is a sad example of a man. Hes the new hero to the whores family keeps mama from being lonely and her grown kids thought nothing their moms hero was married. What goes around comes around. Anyone who does what these cheaters do to their families is a fucking coward they cant tell or handle the truth. They are the losers. Tired of your family…get a new one…special rates…on sunday, sunday, sunday! Makes me sick we go through this shit. Thank you my rant for the day is over.

Not This Girl
Not This Girl
7 years ago
Reply to  Kar marie

Amen!!! I couldn’t have said it better myself!!

fbi
fbi
7 years ago

The colorful metaphor for his malignant kinda love is too funny: ‘it swells like a fetid pustule on my ass and only bursts for you’….that is so hilarious! Also I did notice he never said Shana was important to him, however he does insinuate she is useful to him since he wouldn’t want to lose his role as full time father figure to his daughters! Lose the two-faced fucker….he doesn’t deserve his family and his important harlot!

Carol39
Carol39
7 years ago

This guy sounds so much like my Cheater. He beams benevolence at you, and he is bursting with reassurance while he twists the knife. Oh, don’t worry, Shana, you are Brave to Ask, and yes, you clever girl, you got it right. But never fear! For he will be back with even more Love!

What he really means, of course, is that when he dumps this convenient pussy overseas, who may or may not know he is married (he can tell her ANYTHING since his wife is too far away to be seen), he expects YOU to receive him with more love than ever. You should fix yourself up a little, put a bounce into your step, be thrilled that when he had Other Options, he still came home to you!

This is code for “I am so awesome I can do whatever I want, and Shana will love me more than ever! It turns me on to think of her waiting patiently at home for me while I fuck strange pussy. If she’s lucky, I might come back once in a while and fuck her too!”

cheaterssuck
cheaterssuck
7 years ago
Reply to  Carol39

Overseas is a very convenient locale for strange too. My ex used to work with someone who had an affair while he was overseas. If memory serves, he was a weekend warrior of sorts with one of the guard units but every now and then he’d have to do 6 weeks of service at a time and he would go to different places, like England where he met his AP.

Anyway, this awesome catch of a man believed “if you had sex with someone else while overseas it didn’t count as cheating because it wasn’t on American soil.” He told my ex this who pontificated about what douche bag this guy was.

Mr. Pot won’t you say hello to the black kettle!

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

I thought it was a time zone thing? As long as they cheat east of you, it doesn’t count because technically it’s in the future, and you can’t hold them accountable for what hasn’t happened yet.

Alexandra
Alexandra
7 years ago

That’s funny…..

Shechump
Shechump
7 years ago
Reply to  Alexandra

I also busted a gut over that but couldn’t see where to reply.
Yep – cheater logic for sure.

Confused123
Confused123
7 years ago
Reply to  cheaterssuck

“if you had sex with someone else while overseas it didn’t count as cheating because it wasn’t on American soil.”
That sentence is the most ridiculous thing I have EVER heard. Good Grief!!!
Forget the cheating! If that sentence had come from my ex I’d have divorced him for the simple reason that he was a MORON with a pea for a brain.

Beth
Beth
7 years ago

In addition to the always accurate UBT, maybe we should develop a mirror-image machine who can take a cheater’s nonsense and turn it around on them.

“I really appreciate the courage and strength it took for you to ask me this directly.” to:
I really don’t appreciate the cowardice and weakness it took for you to hide the truth from me.

“I love you and respect you too much to lie to you even though this will hurt.” to:
I no longer love you or respect you so any pain I feel from this is purely temporary and I will be fine. Triumphant, in fact.

“Yes, I have met someone here that is important to me, and I have been together with her.” to:
I have met someone here who [“who” not “that” since I’m referring to a person not an object, you moron] is important to me too and I have been together with her. That someone is ME. I realize I am important. I matter and I am enough and I don’t need you or anyone else to be “together” with me.

“The details of it really don’t matter.” to:
The details of my decision to choose me and my kids don’t really matter.

“What matters is that I will return to you and the girls with a fuller love for you than I had when I left.” to:
What matters is that you will not return to me and the girls because you are full of something but it ain’t love.

“You know how deeply I love the girls and how important it is for me to be in their lives.” to:
I know how deeply I love the girls and how important it is for me to show them they need to know their own worth and not let someone treat them badly. If it was important for you to be in their lives you would have treated their mother with the respect she deserves.

“That hasn’t changed. I also still love you and it’s important to me to be in your life.” to:
Everything has changed. It’s called consequences. Thanks for the “I also still love you” afterthought but it’s too little, too late. You will be in my life as the father of my children but only as much as absolutely necessary for the sake of my daughters. That’s also called consequences.

Allie
Allie
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

This was a problem I had for SUCH a long time. Since Mr MidLife Crisis and the OW were DEEPLY entrenched in their New Age bullshit, I found all the language of self help to be so triggering, as it was the things they said to me in order to justify their behavior. But after a long time, I finally woke up to the fact that I didn’t have to take the self help crap to mean what they wanted it to mean. They talked about being “vulnerable” and “trusting” to mean I should accept their bullshit behavior and wait it out and triangulate and pick me dance. But what I realized was that if I took “trusting” to mean trusting my own instincts and values had worth, took being vulnerable to mean I should dare to stand up for myself, no matter the cost (i.e., the pain and trauma of separation and divorce and trying to imagine a new life for myself and my children), then all the advice I was getting from their self help articles that they’d send me actually made PERFECT sense. It just didn’t back what they thought it would.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Allie

It really bothers me how these hyenas hijack important words. “Vulnerable” doesn’t mean to make yourself a doormat and as you say “accept bullshit behavior.” “Vulnerable” is exactly the opposite of a cheater. A person who is vulnerable is open emotionally, has the capacity to feel emotions and empathize with others. Cheaters use their affairs, their triangles and their various destructive behaviors (e.g., substance abuse, hoarding, job hopping, using religion as a cudgel with which to abuse others, etc.) to avoid being vulnerable in a healthy way.

One of the best outcomes of being chumped for me was giving up the need to be bulletproof and put on a “perfect” facade for others. That coping mechanism goes way back into my FOO days, but in the wake of betrayal, that facade cracked and then the need for it did. Being vulnerable means to accept that I am imperfect; I will make mistakes; I am still learning; I can be hurt. But the other side of that is that living in that more authentic way (not having to have the house, the clothes, the car, the job, the hair be “perfect”–as if) made sparkly, narcissistic people just disappear from my life. Poof. Gone. I am not sure why, but the corollary to vulnerability is to be selective with whom you share the deep part of yourself and I have big-time radar for cluster B types now. We learn to trust those who cherish us and behave in ways that don’t hurt us. It’s astonishing, really, that Cheaters and APs have the gall to talk about “vulnerability” and “trust” to the people they are betraying. That’s mindfuckery on a massive scale.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

LaJ,

This is it exactly. I let no one see inside to the real me. I was “bulletproof.” It wasn’t that I didn’t feel but that at times I felt too much and if I let others see what was inside they would exploit it. The one person who I opened up completely for exploited me beyond measure. After that, the shield was gone and it was just too damn hard to put it up again. I just didn’t care who saw what or what they thought about it. Most scampered away like mice. But the best stayed. Being vulnerable isn’t the worst thing out there. In fact, it feels honest.

Lynne
Lynne
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Oh my Beth. What an absolute gem of a way to look at the craziness and fucked-up mess that cheaters create in our lives.
Your take on this is nothing short of brilliant.
I just love the idea of Chumps having the Mirror Image Machine together with the UBT to cut through the BS. It makes total sense looking at it this way – I am several years out and I have reached a point of meh – on occasions I still have moments of WTFhappened? – it’s almost surreal. At these times,I get stuck in my thought process of his blameshifting he threw at me (even after all these years) and I have been thinking hard at how I can change this pattern. All of a sudden, it’s like a light bulb just went on for me. In typical chump fashion, I took all the blameshifting on and I realize now that I never truly sifted through it – it just became a thought pattern and I seemed to be stuck in it. Thank you for the post.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Beth

The “also” gives away the game. The spousal bond should be primary in the family, the glue that knits it together. The spouses are equals and partners. If I could paint a picture of this situation, the cheater would be arm in arm with the OW, but with the OW slightly behind so she has to walk fast to keep up. The kids would be 6-7 steps behind the OW, and the chump would be 2-3 steps behind them, carrying the luggage.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Based on the language alone and not on the CL UBT deep knowledge of Cheater-speak.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I agree, he place her last amongst his list of important relationships.

Thankful
Thankful
7 years ago

We are never important to the cheater.

Mine liked the social freedom our marriage provided for him, being raised as a christian who has exceptional music skills his life was all laid out for him. Marriage, kids, ministry, work. Little did I know that while I was doing all I could to make sure that his expectations were met, he was living a double life. Yet he came home every night, tucked our kids in, did all the things one expected in a marriage, prided himself on doing the laundry and putting the bins out. To all onlookers we were the perfect family.

At night after the kids went to bed we would engage in small talk and then he would amused himself with the computer or would get on the phone and sit in the back room so I could not hear him. it would really piss me off when he would leave me to watch a movie by myself and then in the last ten minutes of the movie he would come in and want me to have a chat with him and miss the ending. If I refused to engage with him, he would get the shits and sulk. But engage or not most nights he would go to bed before me (more and more he would get up in the middle of the night but that is another post) if he was up when I went to bed I would find him sitting there rubbing ointment into is cuticles (he did it every night I shit you not) as I got changed, and as I climbed into bed he would either reach for a book or turn his light out and go to sleep. Fuck my life was empty but I was supposed to be grateful that he came home every night. Maybe that is why after d’day he just expected that routine to continue. He felt secure, while I felt empty.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

During his affair (when he spend whole evenings emailing Susan in Seattle from DC, he never came to bed with me. I begged, pleaded and implored…no matter when I went to bed, I was alone. Fast forward to him dying and I was getting ready for be just a few days in and I thought “Damn, Im used to going to bed alone already, this isnt as hard as I thought it would be”

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Hi,
Did your husband ask for forgiveness? I know it may a lot to ask, but I know of men who have died only to have the affair partners make a scene at the funeral. I also know of guys at funerals that sat arm in arm with the affair partner at the funeral. I could on, but I’m wondering if the thought of death resulted in a change of heart.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

No, he lied and lied to his dying breath. His OW likely wasnt told he died until later, thier affair was pretty far underground and she was out of the industry by then. Another howorker made a point to come to his military retirement but was decent enough not to come to his funeral.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

Wow, he willingly left this world maintaining his innocence? Going into the afterlife with lies not a good look, he was a special kind of cheat. Hopefully now you are finding comfort in being able to build a new life. He on the other hand can’t lie to the One who knows all and his fate is forever set.
Hoes will be hoes and now that your ex is dead they are just used up old hoes. My ex had a LTR with a woman who wanted a kid. She wasted her last fertile years with a man who used her and is embarrassed to let anyone know of her.
If Susan was so great he would have wanted to spend his last moments with her. Instead he denied her existence. No lasting love stories there.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Renewed

“Wow, he willingly left this world maintaining his innocence? Going into the afterlife with lies not a good look, he was a special kind of cheat.”

yes, which is quite a consideration in that he was a life long Catholic who ostensibly believed in Purgatory. I am, rather sure that he confessed his sins to a Priest and saw the sin as gone, but without amends and contrition to who you sinned against, there remains temporal results of sin. He lied to me and never admitted to any sex at all. Had he cleaned out his stuff better, I might have continued to believe his lies, but those lies led me to ask his mentor who dished on the other affairs.

Im not sure how Purgatory works, but Im thinking he might have had a ringside view of me finding the crap he had left behind…so in a place where his heart could be pure and he likely found abounding love for me (I went to daily Mass to pray for his soul for 7 years) , he could have been witness to me finding things HE created that left me believing that he was a disordered selfish asshole.

I found an old hard drive in the storage room of our basement…fired that puppy up and found an anger management worksheet where he wrote “I never loved my wife”. Found a notebook from a long ago work conference and in the corner of an obscure page was a phone number (it was OWs)…I am sure he never ever thought I would find this stuff or figure out where the pieces fit.

One of my hopes is that OW thinks of him as her great lost love…the one she cant even tell anyone about, the one she weeps for at night alone.

LuckySeven
LuckySeven
7 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

I’m bordering into meh (thank God), but not long ago I was really hurting over what I’d ever endure at a funeral if he died. At first I thought there wouldn’t be many people; he’s a misanthrope and has only a few true blue connections. I was one, probably the truest. Also the bluest. :/

Then I realized he’d really gone full tilt into MLC and probably also pure sex addiction? And reading the boards and CL and other resources these past months, I’ve realized that he’d probably have a more significant turnout than I had ever imagined. Mostly women, probably a few men, and …probably several she-male hookers.

What a massive correction that’s been for me. I couldn’t face it, even for his child.

Renewed
Renewed
7 years ago
Reply to  LuckySeven

Hi L7,
He may have a huge turn out, people love a show. Ultimately if you have any responsibilities with funeral prep, shut that shit down!
The circus can have their own memorial service.
My ex has a huge family that would lie just to make him look good. I will not be a party to that. No way!

Shana
Shana
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

I hung onto empty for so long.

Special snowflake ha!
Special snowflake ha!
7 years ago
Reply to  Shana

We all have, Shana. All in the name of keeping the marriage together. But better is out there. Run towards it!

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Mine would watch movies (ones he knew I wouldn’t like) waiting for me to go to bed. If I tried to be companionable and come watch with him, he would suddenly get extremely tired and go to bed himself. In either case, I was alone. I always thought it was pretty transparent that he could stay up til late at night every single night except when I was in the room with him … then 7:45 pm and off to bed he went.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  Dixie Chump

Mine would stay up late watching a movie he’d seen 1000 times or a ball game. Most of the time he would fall asleep on the couch and not come to bed until the middle of the night or sometimes sleep there the whole night. Then he’d tell me that I go to bed too early for us to have sex. When I get up at 6am and work hard all day and take care of my family in the evening, I’m ready for bed at 10pm. But of course, it was my fault.

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

I honestly can not remember the last time he slept in the bed for an entire night. He would wake me up getting out of bed around midnight, every single night. And that’s if he even came to bed at all after falling asleep on the couch. I think back of all the times I’d wake up and he wasn’t in the bed and I would go downstairs and find him dead asleep on the couch with the TV blaring and all the lights on, and chumpy me would turn off the lights and TV and cover his ass up. If only I had known then….

ChumpFromF
ChumpFromF
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

Sounds so familiar. I had forgotten about that. How I ended up alone watching that movie. Whatever the movie.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Thankful

You hit on an essential question that panicked chumps should ask: Is my life with this person empty, in terms of emotional intimacy, physical intimacy, respect, support and engagement? If not, you are in it alone anyway.

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

An insightful question indeed. Esp wbe X made noTtempt to fill the emptiness therefore

happily ever after
happily ever after
7 years ago

Sorry about the typos. I’m stuck on the highway

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Summed up perfectly, LAJ! We were in it alone anyway. Yes and yes and yes and yes and yes. Why did I hang on to empty?

Elisa
Elisa
7 years ago

I’ld like to know their (cheaters) reaction if we (chumps) answer something like : “I really appreciate your honesty. Indeed I took the “courage ” to ask you that question, because I’m living a similar experience: I met someone that is important to me. Nevertheless you and our family are and always will be the most important things of my life. Now I know you can fully understand my feelings. ..”

Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
Now-I-Know-What-Hell-Looks-Like
7 years ago
Reply to  Elisa

I’ld like to know their (cheaters) reaction if we (chumps) answer something like : “I really appreciate your honesty. Indeed I took the “courage ” to ask you that question, because I’m living a similar experience: I met someone that is important to me. Nevertheless you and our family are and always will be the most important things of my life. Now I know you can fully understand my feelings. ..”

This is genius and hilarious! The only problem with it is that it would only cause an “ah-ha” moment if one was dealing with another normal human being. These cheater idiots would either use it as a green light for their reprehensible behavior or they really wouldn’t care at all.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Elisa

At any time when he wasn’t cheating, I’m sure my ex would have FREAKED if he’d found out I was cheating too, or even was close to it. But when he was eating cake? He would have LOVED to find out I was involved with somebody else. It would doubly get him off the hook; confirm that ‘everybody cheats’ and therefore what he did wasn’t so bad, and reduce any tiny bit of residual guilt he might have about abandoning me.

That’s why I think ‘revenge affairs’ are a really bad idea. ‘Revenge leaving their asses’? That’s great!!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

They are manipulative in strange ways. Mine tried to convince me to have an affair twice–once after he “re-committed” to the marriage after his affair with gradwhore 8 years prior to D-day (I didn’t know he’d had an affair at that time, only that he had initially asked for a divorce and changed his mind), and again after D-day when he thought my having an affair would make me more likely to forgive him. I declined both times because that is not who I am.

8 years prior, though, he warned me that my feelings for him would change if I kept screwing the same person. So he knew the danger to the marriage of cheating, acknowledged it, still kept up his serial cheating, and then had the audacity after D-day to claim that we “merely grew apart,” and that I had 50% responsibility for the demise of the marriage. SMH; these blameshifters will say anything to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions.

Thankfully, I stopped expecting rationality or fairness from him.

unicornomore
unicornomore
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

He used a variety of methods to rationalize his actions and one of them was convincing himself that I had affairs also. I had shared with him that a guy at work was flirting with me and one day I had to work a 16 hour shift…He really thought I had worked a 12 hr shift with 4 hours of howorker sex after. He apparently thought that for YEARS and used it as an excuse numerous times.

At Dday, he said “well you had an affair with that lab guy ” and I think he fully expected me to fess up and admit it. My response was “that guy tempted me, but I never did anything because doing so was a terrible idea. You cant fault me for temptation, its up and down the road everywhere you go”.

I think it was shocking when he faced the reality that I had been a faithful spouse while he used invented affairs I never had to justify his betrayals.

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

One time I did meet someone I was attracted to. The ex egged me on to have an affair, but in the end I declined, because 1) the other person was also married and I’m not that type of person, and 2) I knew it would be impossible to put that genie back in the bottle. Ex wanted me to get involved with someone else so all his subterranean affairs could be brought to the surface. I didn’t bite, but I do look back now and wonder at myself. If one of the reasons you don’t have an affair is because your partner will then get the greenlight to fuck around all he wants, isn’t that a clear sign you’re in the wrong relationship? But I had small kids at home, and thought my desire for an affair was simply a wake-up call for us to reinvest in each other. What a chump I was.

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I did this once, countered his constant EAs and online cheating with a very short-lived and torrid retaliatory PA. First he called me everything you would call a cheater. Nevermind that it was the pot calling the kettle black.

Then he said he was really happy for me, and felt relieved that I had someone else.

TOTAL BACKFIRE. NEVER use this tactic, even as a lie, to get back at the cheater. They ultimately don’t care and it changes nothing for the good; in fact, in my case, it made things much worse for my own heart, and just gave open excuse for him to do as he pleased, just as he’d been doing.

I do get some small satisfaction that four years later, even while he now lives with some new OW and “loves” her, he is still pissed at me about what I did that one time. But I really wish that instead of countering his cheating with my own experiment, I had just left, cut and dry.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Elisa

Note that the cheater never, ever said that the wife and kids were “most important,” just that it was important for HIM to be in THEIR lives. Not even that they would be in HIS.

Free Vixen
Free Vixen
7 years ago

Here’s another far less entertaining translation:

“Ugh, busted. Now I have to deal with your ‘feelings.’ Yeah, I’m cheating, and I’m enjoying the fuck out of it. But it’s none of your business, and you’ll still be waiting for me when I get home, so deal with it and get over it. I still hold the adored daddy card. I’ll deal with you when I get home, and you’d better not make a big deal out of this when I do.”

Big hugs to you. You don’t deserve this.

Sadface
Sadface
7 years ago
Reply to  Free Vixen

Haha, Free Vixen, good one, that’s exactly what he meant to say. This son of the bitch is scary!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago

Striking absence of empathy. Striking absence of remorse. Stinks of entitlement.

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago

“The details of it really don’t matter.”

This is another way of saying the cheater does not want to take a hard look at what he did. His discomfort of actually naming it trumps the chumps discomfort of imagining all sorts of horror because she is not in the know.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago

Great new avatar, DM!

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Thanks, Tempest! I was doing some doodling on my phone and came up with this “branding” image. Glad someone else likes it, too.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago

Dear Shana,
Read what CL wrote: FUCK THAT UP.

I represent people (legally) on death row and who have long federal drug sentences. When it does not involve my own dumb ass when I am in luv (I was with a cheating meth addict) I have developed prickly arm hair skills…i.e…..I can spot scary people from time to time.

That email scares me. Your husband…..he is speaking to you like he is a King and you will be waiting on the tarmac with white rose petals for his return, even if he fucked 1000 whores and gave them your savings account passcode.

***His revolting self righteous tone and flowery language….while describing how he is disemboweling you…it reminds me of Hannibal Lecter***

I AM NOT JOKING.
He will eat your liver with a nice Chianti and fava beans.

It is chilling. Pack up all his belongings and put them in a storage. Charge a full year rental to his credit card (FIGURE IT OUT).

Go full no contact. Give him some taste of that mind fuck. Not to get him back, but to save your sanity. Believe it.

Shana…you do not want to know any more details. I know you THINK you do…but it is only this:
HERE COMES THE PAIN.

Hire the best connected, blue blood, plays Golf with the Judges lawyer you can find and-

NEVER SPEAK TO HIM AGAIN. I mean it.

If he wants updates on the children…he can find out through his lawyer.

That man has lost his goddamn mind or he is a sociopath. Either way….your life has now irrevocably changed. (I am sorry…I know).

Don’t waste time trying to analyze why, or how or who or what. Read this site and unpack what it means. It means that you cannot be with a cheater, if you want a shred of dignity or happiness.

Abandon all hope for this freak and get started. Get a loan, get in your savings and hire the lawyer this week (interview several to find the best one).

Not only does he suck…he scares the hell out of me.

He belongs in a cage. Proceed with care and caution.

(((HUGS))) Sending you strength.

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Wow: something still has not activated in my mind yet. I’m distressed that many of you are seeing Hannibal Lecter level psychopathy in that letter, where I just translated it as garden variety cheater speak and fairly well written, if plainly cagey. I usually write off letters like those as “denial” “asshole” “liar” “hiding something”. It never occurs to me “psychopathic” or “dangerous” unless X, whose language is technically impeccable, has said something truly garbled or mangled.

SabineSavoy, thank you for making it clearer and from the perspective of dealing with this character type professionally. I hope what you and others have said here *sinks in* for me, because I realize now that this particular thing — the language — was my worst blind spot.

(Not in the case of the dating profile I discovered this year, though. It blew my mind, how transparently he identifies and presents himself as a psychopath. AND STILL GETS DATES. I’d never seen text like this from him, and once I did, I got that this man was openly dangerous. So that was progress. Seeing your assessments of UBT subject today, I hope will bring greater progress, and soon.)

Shana, I am so sorry you’re going through this. Please definitely cut it off at the knees, as soon as you can. You deserve to be free of this, and safe. Not just from psychopathy, but from ANY continued hurt. I’m glad your letter was shared today, and thank you.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

His screed is almost perfect. By my reckoning he missed one comma.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  Lucky

It’s that other people aren’t real to him. He talks about “being in their lives” but not about what his role will be, other than “being” there. It’s the spouse is someone he wants in his life but there is not one word about her needs, her feelings. It’s that he talks about betrayal like he talks about changing ties. There is no affect here, just language gauged to keep her on the hopium while he plays overseas. It seems like that he will ditch the OW when he returns, then come home to wife and kids and start looking for the next AP.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

As far as him ditching the OW when he gets home, I don’t buy that. He is going to be sweetness and light so he can escape financially unscathed. I learned the hard way…Gasp!…..CHEATERS LIE CONSTANTLY.

He might have 10 other women. He might be a with a man. He may be buying a home in Belgium. Shana is now in the terrible position where she cannot believe anything…..ANYTHING…this cockroach says.

Shana- that is why a BOARD CERTIFIED FAMILY LAWYER is the person who can sort out his lies. NOT YOU. It is too much pain.

Annie Get Your Gun
Annie Get Your Gun
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Anyone (men as well as women) leaving an abusive relationship,

Please, please, please be careful. The most dangerous time is right after you leave an abusive relationship. If you are afraid, you can (in most states) file for an order of protection through family court without a police report or criminal charges. Your local domestic violence shelter has a hotline and they can provide you information on how to make a plan for leaving. Also, some states have a system in place for DV where you may register with the state and all mail goes through a central processing system so that you use that address on everything so that where you live is confidential. I suggest anyone in a violent or potentially violent relationship call their local police department and ask to speak to the “victim’s advocate.” They are your best resource for rights within your state and access to the Crime Victim Compensation through the National Center for Victims of Crime (which DV qualifies in certain cases). Some states also made DV victims a protected class, which means you may not lose your job, housing, etc., because you need to make court dates for protection orders, or the person throws a rock through a window, etc. In some states you may also legally break leases if you are a DV victim and need to move.

There are many resources out there it’s just a matter of knowing where to start, which usually start with a good Family Court lawyer, police victim’s advocate, or shelter hotline.

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Thank you, Annie.

I am just today realizing I will need to avail myself of some of the DV resources. Better safe than sorry with these malignant narcissists.

November 16th turned out to be a very good day to gain a life!

Rage on, friend.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Lucky,
I wonder if you were steeped in so much bullshit with your X, that you just became immune to bullshit. Because you are sharp as a box of needles. You became so normalized to it, that your limbic system just burned out, like Christmas tree lights used too many times.

I imagine…the first time you found A BIG LIE..your heart was pounding, your mouth went dry…your brain was kicking into Fight or Flight mode. Your body was shouting RUN! RUN! RUN! and your adrenal glands were pumping. And then, each time your X was caught in more lies, and you did not obey your body, it just finally said: Okay, no more warnings.

This is fascinating. When I was first with Maggot as adults (he was my 5th-8th grade crush/puppy love) …..I would just burst into tears. We would be driving, or in bed, and I would just start to cry uncontrollably. My therapist said (and I agree) that my body was telling me

PAY ATTENTION!!! This person’s actions are not matching his words!!! SOMETHING IS WRONG!!!

But I was so immersed in fantasy, lust and probably some type of real love, that I brushed it off as emotions, hormones or me being a dramatic clown.

Think about it like this: Cheating is a willful act to DECEIVE someone. No different than Bernie Madoff or the guy who steals a Snickers from the 7/11, just degrees.

A smile hiding a dagger.

A hug hiding a cleaver.

A kiss hiding a .357 Magnum.

Cheating is serious business. I think that is why we are so drawn to CL. She does not whitewash it.

It kills you.

LuckySeven
LuckySeven
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

SabineSavoy, your comment about the box of needles made me cry. I went six years loving this weird man who never could acknowledge my smarts beyond admitting — usually after a paid expert or the harem of support gave him the same truth I gave — “You were right” “You’re usually right” or “You’re always right”. I didn’t have any need to be right, and it would have been nice to hear just once that I was sharp like you’ve said, or, also, taxed and overused and burned out by the antics, like you’ve also said. But I guess that is asking far too much from these types.

I am still sitting with what you and other commenters have said today, but wanted to acknowledge that I’ve seen your words (all) and they’ve touched me deeply. Thank you.

Bamboozled
Bamboozled
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

This ^^ perfect!!! My therapist told me that my tolerance for bullshit is way to high and we have to work on that. My body always felt off, I always felt off balance. After the divorce and more discovery, my body shut down, it was all just too much.

It’s a detox of sorts, I’m exhausted all the time now, I think it’s part of not being in fight or flight ALL day, EVERY day in a constant state of HIGH ALERT, that I can finally relax.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Bamboozled

Bamboozled–go get your TSH levels checked to see if your thyroid has decreased its efficiency.

The emotional abuse before D-day had me feeling exhausted all the time, and the 2-hour sleep nights after D-day didn’t help. It wasn’t just psychological–turns out the stress had triggered an autoimmune system response, and my TSH levels were too high. The ramifications of betrayal include physical symptoms, too.

Bamboozled
Bamboozled
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, thank you for that. I actually am on thyroid meds, but it didn’t dawn on me to see if they could up it. I also have an autoimmune kidney disease, endometriosis and fibromyalgia. Right now I’m on the low end of normal with the thyroid meds and I do best mid range. Actually have an appt. Friday. Thanks for that, it was a very helpful reminder!!!

I’m curious to see if in a year my body can handle things better and feel better just from getting dumbass out of my life. I’m sure it hasn’t hurt anything!

KB22
KB22
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

So true. This guy is way beyond narcissistic, he has all the characteristics of a psychopath. While I have been extremely annoyed or disgusted by some of the UBT letters, this particular one made me queasy. Shana should count her blessings he is out of the country. She can get a head start on severing all ties with this lunatic.

AllOutofKibble
AllOutofKibble
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

SS, I felt it too. My stomach tightened and I also thought of Hanibal Lecter. (I have also spent some time in criminal court-hmmm) The ease at which he shames her, takes her for granted and sweet talks all at the same time feels horrifying. The problem is so many of us learn how to ignore our instincts in these frog boil relationships that they don’t feel right or send us the wrong direction. It’s only after we go No Contact and work on ourselves that we begin to recover those instincts.

So, since your instincts may not be kicking, Shana, let us tell you, RUN!!!!!

The only thing fuller when he returns will be his ego and his sense of entitlement. He is not entitled to your life.

Shana
Shana
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

I ran! I appreciate the insights though. I never saw him as scary, probably because in the moment I was completely and utterly devastated, but I can see it now.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  AllOutofKibble

Frog Boil-brilliant! That is what is is, AllOutof Kibbles!

I was actually asking people (prepare to know the depth of a TRUE MORON)

“Now….is it wrong to ask him not to smoke meth in my house? Am I being too uptight?
Do I have a right to ask him NOT to show up at my house high?”

So high that he would bring me breakfast and gifts (always arriving at 6AM???) set the breakfast down, and I would nervously eat alone, and would watch him tweak around my house, picking up objects, his pupils dilating, acting like a freak.

I was serious when I asked that question. Let that sink in. I have never had a speeding ticket, and this moron was bringing illegal drugs in my home. An amount the size of your small pinkie nail is usually a mandatory 5 year sentence.

I still have moments where I think..what did I do wrong?

He actually said to me:

“You hurt my feeling by running me off so much.”

He would show up at my home, HIGH ON METH, I would ask him to leave. When he left, he would cheat on me with meth whores

AND THIS IS MY FAULT. He said, verbatim: YOU DROVE ME TO IT.

When we are in in, we can’t see it. My friends would look at me with pity when I would want to analyze it.

Hmmm…cheating meth addict? Not much there to explore, Dummy. Meth addicts are actually clinically insane. I was trying to please an insane person.

Shana…let us see for you. As KB22 sensed “lunatic” and implored: RUN!!!
Anyone who would write you that email is as scary as a meth addict, or worse.

I am sorry this has happened to you.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

I would love to hear it. I was not being dramatic. When I was reading his email, I felt nauseated and unsettled.

He is bludgeoning her with a lead pipe and reading Shakespeare Sonnets to her.

Maybe I will be a celibate nun….only half joking.

Maybe me and the dogs will just have a fat, peaceful life with no “mans.”

My mother and I were at a restaurant the other day and we saw a “couple” eat for one hour and never speak and the woman had the look of someone bound in the bowels of Tehran prison. I thought…being alone…maybe not so bad after all.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

As a friend of mine used to say, nothing is better than some things.

Let go
Let go
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Sabine, I thought the same thing. He could be dangerous. I think, if she has time, she could get him almost totally out of the picture. Even if they split custody 50/50 there is no way his entitled ass is going to do the dad routine for long. I don’t buy one thing he says as truth. He just wants her to shut up until he can get home and screw her financially. She needs a lawyer ASAP.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago

My cheater said this kind of stuff, too, of course. Must be in the Cheater Playbook. During Affair #1, he told his mother ‘don’t worry mom, I’m not leaving her’, and she had to tell him it would be more likely I would leave him When he told me that, I asked what he thought he was doing. His reply was ‘I was happier (while eating cake), and because I was happier, I could be a better father and husband!’.

O.M.G. They believe what they want to believe because they want to believe it. And they’re entitled to believe it! We’re so mean to question their logic!!

Allie
Allie
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Samesame. “It makes me a better husband to sneak around with her.” No, no it does not. Scoreboard, I knew something shifty was going on. That’s how I caught you, you ignorant motherfucker.

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

KarenE, mine said that everything in our marriage was great except for the sex so he thought he’d get his needs filled from that perspective outside our marriage. I know now that was him simply justifying being a serial cheater. Of course when I didn’t buy into that, his tune changed and I was this horrible person that drove him to cheat. Such entitled liars.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

I agree 100%

I went on a date after the first D Day. This D Day was murky to my raped mind, and full of bull shit spackle and I was in shock. (Like real shock).

So, I went on this date as anesthesia to the misery I was in. (What else do you do when the love of your life is living in motels with a meth whore…BUT THEY ARE NOT HAVING SEX, he says).

This DUMB ASS says to me over our calamari…You have to ask yourself…why did he cheat? What were you not providing?

He meant sex.

This was my date meant to assuage my pain!

I said, You have NO IDEA what you are talking about. He has to sew his pants shut to keep me out of there. I LOVED having sex with him. He seemed to love it too. We were like teenagers. I was a sex machine.

Lesson: ***I DO NOT BELIEVE CHEATING IS ABOUT SEX.*** Or the lack of sex, or the lack of kink or weight or looks or what kind of nightgown you wear to bed.

I think it is about cheaters being fucking selfish shit asses who have the impulse control and ethics of a pack of hyenas at a fresh kill. ( I feel okay with the hyena analogy. Innocent animals, but they eat their weaker siblings in the den).

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Ex father-in-law also thought the marriage must have gone south because I wasn’t putting out. If only he knew.

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

This is where reading more about Dr. Simon’s research into Cluster B personality disorders can help chumps involved with someone understand that, regardless of how awesome or not-awesome we are, someone with a true personality disorder of this type comes to a point in relationships where they can’t sustain the facade required for them to appear “normal.” It’s not just selfishness; it’s that other people are fundamentally “appliances” to them.

Mandie101
Mandie101
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

Mmm. These folks fancy themselves far more interesting than they are. Mine figured he’d do sex outside because for some inexplicable reason with two children under 3 and both of us working and him being a lazy ass ,our sex life was not porn level. He would use that sex to fill in the gaps. Fast forward four years he is leaving but he wants us to keep having sex cause you know it was always good…fuck that.

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

It is true. When I first started my therapy for Pathological Relationships, I thought my therapist was over the top (if you have a hammer, everything looks like a nail.)

But with all my homework and checklists, I realized that the Maggot is a Cluster B sociopath. I don’t say that glibly. I erred on the side of extreme caution when we were doing the Hare checklist, and all of my worksheets. She said, “I have never had someone score so high”. Talking about Maggot.

It helped me, some, because it is just like you wrote well, “LovedAJackAss” (hee hee) he could not sustain the facade.

I have not heard from him since June 2 (you can see I am still not Meh) and I believe he feels a sense of relief that he can just be his drug fiend baboon self and not have to pretend with me. He can just get down and dirty in the ditch, be high and fuck around with women who will crawl on the floor for a hit.

He has a trust fund that most of us would be so happy to have 1/100 of, and it keeps him protected from real consequences of his constant desire to be high and be around scum bags.

Here is a grotesque, sociopathic snapshot of the first inklings something was terribly wrong.

We went to check on his parents graves (the ones he drove to an early death with all of his drug use and related consequences). This was my idea (what a bitch I was!).

As we cleaned off the graves, and I put some little Poinsettias out for Christmas, he was overcome with the “SADS.”

He KNEW he should be crying…talking about how horribly he treated his parents (he did) and how they set him up for life. And he talked and he even squinched his face so the tears would come…they never did. The tears never came. I checked again in the car and his handsome face was a dry as cardboard.

Was it an act…trying to muster up some emotion for his hardworking, dead but clueless parents?

I don’t know. I almost think he KNEW he should feel SOMETHING, but as CL said, I don’t think those synapses fire.

Robert Hare wrote: They know the words to the song but not the melody. They do not have normal emotions of empathy, compassion or even love.

They mimic, pretend, mime and act…but if I pulled back the mask and peered in his head…I think I might see a howling black hole of nothingness.

I was having an intense, life consuming relationship with a cardboard cut out. It is deeply sad.

Lucky
Lucky
7 years ago
Reply to  SabineSavoy

Agreed. Maybe to “normal, sane” persons who are too ethical or moral to consider cheating, it’s hard to believe anyone would ever cheat without some sort of neglect or provocation from the betrayed partner.

But if you ask me, cheating is about the cheater’s inability to say no to opportunity (another way of saying “poor impulse control”), and about the adrenaline high of strange, with the added adrenaline high of secrecy. And oh: those amazing unimaginable fireworks of drama, if/when they get found out.

I am laughing just now, because, who the f*** even are those people. What a way to live. Like constantly being electrocuted.

Raging
Raging
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Ah yea, the classic “I’m happy sneaking and telling lies, so it makes me a better person and the world around me benefits.. especially the folks I’m lying to and sneaking away from” That’s on page one of the cheater handbook. If they are happy, how can anyone be upset?

Magneto
Magneto
7 years ago
Reply to  Raging

I got that BS too! A popular “male only” book pushes the “Put yourself first! If you don’t take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of anybody else!”

Well, well. Quickly leads to entitled thinking…. Very small jump to “If I can’t be HAPPY, I can’t make anyone else happy.” Thus, “I get to do what makes me happy FIRST.”
Cheater logic. Comes with the new math…

Linden
Linden
7 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Ha, that wouldn’t be “Don’t Be Nice, Be Real” by Kelly Bryson, would it? My god, how fast our tanking marriage hit the bottom after the ex started reading that book and tried to get me to read it, too. I read a little bit and had to stop because it was making me sick to my stomach. It did make fun fodder for hilarity at my knitting circle, however.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
7 years ago

Shana – use this time with him being oversees to get your ducks in a row, file and change the locks. He lost the right to come home to you and the girls when his penis fell into togetherness with this OW’s vagina. Cheating is a choice.

I travel frequently for work, both overseas and domestically. Throughout my marriage, I managed to make it up to my hotel room alone every single night. Shocking? No. I was married. I was faithful. I protected my family and myself.

Mr. Sparkles, my STBX, goes on ONE overnight business trip and couldn’t help being amazed that a beautiful woman in hotel bar in Atlanta found him attractive and ALMOST seduced him (his story being they got as far as her hotel room and then he left her there. (Um… I don’t think so.)

You and the girls ALREADY LIVE FULLY without him… they’re used to him NOT BEING THERE. Just keep it going.

Be strong. Be their role model of a chump who will NOT accept his infidelities and mindfucking minimizations.

He will not change. He’s too wonderful (in his own mind).

Chumptitude
Chumptitude
7 years ago

Excellent points ICanSeeTheMehComing!

Shana, finding out that our spouse did not respect us enough to do the honorable thing (whether that means stay faithful or divorce before starting a new relationship) is on the of the most painful thing a chump can go through.

Use him being abroad and his entitlement against him!

Gather as much evidence as possible via email about the details of his affair. He is so stupid to put all this in writing, please give him more rope. Whether it is to bring adultery charge forward if you live in a fault state or to have proof of what is going on in his own words to show your girls when they are old enough to ask questions, please use his own entitlement against him. Email him questions, using a lens of wanting to understand him, what that means for the future of your girls. Don’t package these questions in any way that makes it look like you are willing to reconcile. Instead tell him how helpful this will be for you to understand what you are dealing with, how to process the pain, or know how to move forward. The more you get him to open up about the details, the more his entitlement will push him to put it all in writing, and give you as much proof you need as possible.

At the same time, secure a lawyer that specializes in high conflict personalities, and work with your lawyer to put all your ducks in a row while he is abroad, and then hit him with the divorce papers when you have done everything here that will benefit your daughters and you.

This is going to hurt like crazy, but I am glad you found CN early in this process, we are here to help, forge on Shana!

Terrie
Terrie
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

That is an absolutely BRILLIANT plan….I used one much the same, with my own entitled idiot.
It helped me to keep my purpose, and helped me not to falter as I made my escape!

SabineSavoy
SabineSavoy
7 years ago
Reply to  Chumptitude

And get evidence that he used even a cent of marital funds to support his affair. Good advice big time.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
7 years ago

‘It’s important to me to be in your life’ = I will be in your life (cheating, Duh!) and keep you out of the dating pool! You are the Wife Appliance, and so you have value to me, lucky you! So, I will do just enough to lock you in, and dazzle you with bullshit, so you won’t leave me, OK?

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

I got something similar – “I want us to be friends. I want to be the first person you call when something good happens in your life.”

Translation – I want to know when something good happens to you so I can 1) take advantage of it and you 2) tell everyone that we’re friends so I retain my image (what I did must not have been bad if she’s still friends with me) 3) point out all the negatives to whatever good happened to you so I can continue to erode your self esteem.

Needless to say, I said ‘hell no’ to being friends with him.

Kar marie
Kar marie
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Byebyecheater, sounds exactly like asswipe. He wants to be best friends and hang out and catch up. Barf, puke, vomit! Told him you fired me from caring i dont want to hear about your sad how many women can i fuck before i die life and when you fired me my life became none of your fucking business asshole and no matter how many times i state this he just says i dont mean it and we will be best friends cause he feels he can talk to me about his love life problems. Motherfucker!!!!!! where were you to talk to me when our life was being blown up. He wants me to talk to him if im having man problems! One ive no desire to date and when and if i ever do if wont be for marriage or living together. Uh uh! Not this girl not no more and what the hell makes him think i would EVER ask him for relationship advice when he sucks at it. He cant even maintain a great relationship with his own kids whores kids yeah his kids no. What the fuck is wrong with these effing people!!! Arrrggghhhh!

ChestnutMare
ChestnutMare
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

During a strained conversation about the problems are children were having during our divorce, Crapweasel leaned back and blithely said that he “couldn’t wait for things to normalize once the divorce was final”.
Hmm. A case of magical thinking, perhaps? In any case, I am no contact.

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Mine WAS the first person I texted after something good happened to me–as soon as the judge stamped the divorce papers, I let my X know it was official. ; )

ByeByeCheater
ByeByeCheater
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

LOL Tempest – I wish I had thought to do that!

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
7 years ago
Reply to  ByeByeCheater

Got the “friends” thing too… “It’s my greatest hope that we can one day be friends”. Yeah, I had “hope” once too on our wedding day. Now my hope is to get the best settlement I can, tell him to kiss my ass, and ride off into the sunset with real friends.

renewed
renewed
7 years ago

Shana ask
“Are you seeing someone, having sex, etc.?”
and he deflects
“Yes, I have met someone here that is important to me, and I have been together with her.”

And

” What matters is that I will return to you and the girls with a fuller love for you than I had when I left. You know how deeply I love the girls and how important it is for me to be in their lives. That hasn’t changed. I also still love you and it’s important to me to be in your life.”

In other words “Yes I’ve been sleeping around, found a new strange that I sex on the regular. Please don’t divorce me, take half my shit and force me to pay child support.”

If you’ll notice he mentions his love for you last on his list of relationships.

JK
JK
7 years ago

“What really matters is that I will return to you and the girls with a fuller love for you than I had when I left.”

In response, I believe I would have to say something to the effect that, “No dear, what REALLY matters is that when you return you and your ‘fuller love’ will be living at a different address, your belongings will be in storage, you will find me divorcing you, and you will be visiting the girls the first third and fifth weekends each month and paying child support. I love and respect you too much to lie about what’s going to happen.”

nomoreskankboy
nomoreskankboy
7 years ago
Reply to  JK

BOOOOOM!!!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  JK

Excellent, JK!

HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
HeLovesMeHeLovesMeNot
7 years ago
Reply to  JK

+1 awesome!

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago
Reply to  JK

Burn!! Awesome response, lol.

Kellia
Kellia
7 years ago

Great translation by CL. He will not return with a fuller love. Maybe with fuller STDs or other diseases, but certainly not fuller love. It’s highly likely, he’ll return with the FULL intention of dumping his wife for the OW. It’s just a matter of time. If I were you, I’d gut punch that sucker by divorcing his ass asap with the FULLER love for yourself and your children.

Dixie Chump
Dixie Chump
7 years ago

I think we are all being kind of hard on this obviously sophisticated and evolved guy. He was considerate and respectful enough to provide his wife (who by the way he “also” loves as a complete throwaway after thought) with a very nice documentary confession. Take advantage of his continued time out of the house … pack that sucker up and see a lawyer!!!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago

Dear UBT,

My goodness, you are getting more snarky by the day. Your polysyllabic vocabulary never ceases to impress, and your hashtag haranguing is second to none.

While I could have done without the gag-inducing image of a “fetid pustule on my ass” to go with my coffee-break, I’ll let it slide because you get me. You really get me.

Love,

Ian

p.s. where exactly does the UBT stand on the Oxford/serial comma debate?

p.p.s. Shana – fuck *him* up!!!

Tempest
Tempest
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

And rightly so. An example to illustrate the need for the Oxford Comma:

Cheater Rupert found himself in bed with his co-worker, a dominatrix and a vegetarian.
Cheater Rupert found himself in bed with his co-worker, a dominatrix, and a vegetarian.

Without the Oxford comma, we would suspect Rupert of perhaps only bedding one person (a co-worker who was also a dominatrix and a vegetarian). And, of course, that is what Rupert would claim if his wife found his text messages. But Rupert was really in bed with 3 separate people (which he will, of course, deny).

Karma Express
Karma Express
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Brilliant example! Funnier than the classic one in favour of the serial comma, supposedly from a book dedication: “I’d like to thank my parents, Ayn Rand and God.” Book must have been written by a cheater, thinking they were the child of God, and worshipping libertarianism.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

I, too, am deeply enamoured with your beautiful mind, Tempest! Thanks for the guffaw.

KarenE
KarenE
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

Tempest, as a great fan of the Oxford comma, and of chump snark, I hail you!!!

Ian Dubito
Ian Dubito
7 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

UBT, stop – I can’t handle the funny. Serial cheaters. ?

That Rupert sounds like a dirty bird.

JK
JK
7 years ago
Reply to  Tempest

That’s pure greatness! Dear God. Please give me one hour of my life when I’m as clever as Tempest.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
7 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

Brilliant. 🙂